The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 29 – Customer Service

Episode Date: November 30, 2016

Coming hot off a poorly received premium episode, the boys save face by getting back to basics.

This is a letter to the editors. Oh, no. Long-time Comptown fan Seth Dickfield here. And I would just like to say that I am outraged at the last episode. There were zero jokes. It was all arguing. And that's not why I listen to the podcast. I spend $5 a month on this show.

Do you have any idea how much money that is? listen to the podcast. I spend $5 a month on this show. Do you have any idea how much money that is? First of all, think of it in terms of pennies. That's like 5,000 pennies. Yes, it is. You know how long it would take me to enjoy each and every one of those pennies? How do you enjoy your pennies, Seth? I'd say you give it 20 minutes each before I come in my pants from holding a penny.

Times 5,000. We're talking about a lifetime that I wasted on that terrible episode. We got a lot of complaints about it well Kurt's back yeah Kurt's back so hey Kurt I guess it's like you know it was just it was fucking last minute we had a shitty yeah yeah it's like 1130 a fucking night yeah I don't want to throw Kurt's like I still the Kurt's one of the best comics oh he's funny in the city he's the city. He's an amazing comic. He's a very good comic.

But we just had a boring conversation. The problem is, I didn't... I felt bad about doing all those premium episodes where I'm like, yeah, we're just going to do us. And I didn't bother to get any guests. Because early on, I was getting pretty big guests. You got some nice guests. We could still do it.

Who cares? Bonnie was good. The Norton one, there wasn't too many jokes in that. The problem with the Norton one is anytime I'd say anything that I was trying to joke, Jim would be like, what do you mean by that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be like, I was kidding. Yeah, yeah.

But no, why it's actually good that people don't like that Is because now it justifies Never getting guests again Yeah The listener lost their privilege It's not the listener didn't lose their privilege It was our fault It was your fault

It's Adam's fault You were supposed to be kicked off the show That was a test to see if you could handle it without me, you instead of me. One's got to go, Adam. $5,000. We promise the listeners. Well, I'm off the show, but I'm just here right now. You're our guest.

Adam's actually just our guest right now. Well, that's how it initially was. Former gumboi. Great to be back, boys. You were supposed to be the guest the first time. That first time we had you on, you were just the guest. Yeah. The first episode, this was just supposed to be my show, and supposed to be the guest the first time that first time we had you on you were just the guest yeah the first episode this was just supposed to be my show and stav was the guest that is that is true and then we kept adding people yeah you asked me on the podcast if i want to do a podcast yeah that's how that's how we got engaged it was a surprise i had a big i had

a big kiss cam i had a kiss cam broadcasting st Stav's apartment. And I said, do you want to be on the podcast? And he's like, don't do this to me in public. That's how it happened. And then Stav's got, like, you got one more road date. And then, yeah, we're coming nonstop. And I'm jealous. I want to go down to Maryland. We should fucking, we should do a little tour.

Yeah. Well, I just want, I want some feature weekends. Yeah. I got a headline in like two months I just need where you do it where Cap City

oh nice yeah um you should try and book some shit that was a fun trip to DC that was a lot of fun

hold on me and Adam we were laughing about when it's like one of the hidden gems in DC is when you go to the Lincoln Memorial

and you see people doing they think those are the Rocky steps. The best. They do it. I love it. And it's always like Indian guys. It's like, Vikram, Vikram, look at me.

I am like the movie star Rumpman. Vikram, take picture. Yeah, people always get it wrong in Philly too. They do the City Hall instead of the Art Museum. There's not big steps at City Hall, though. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. You said that because somebody called the Art Museum City Hall.

That's right. They do the right steps, but they don't know what that fucking building is. I saw a clip of Rocky without the music running up those steps, and it sucks dick. It's not very good. It's just like, it's just like some guy running up steps or like grunting. Dude,

I was in Philly one time and I saw a guy doing the Rocky steps which is already just like, I don't understand how you have, you can embarrass yourself to that degree.

It's crazy. You know, that's like, Was he in sweats? Yes, that was where I was going with that. He was wearing the outfit. Oh no. He had like the outfit. Oh, no.

He had the scully sweats on. Oh, dude. Just some completely out of shape middle-aged Italian guy. He's like, yeah, like in the movie. I'm like Rocky from the movie. He stops halfway to drink a cup of marinara sauce. Yeah. Just powers himself to the finish line.

Yeah. Italians, stop pretending like you know anything about exercise. You don't. You don't fucking know shit about it. Yeah. You're all on steroids. You do some garbage five-day split and do your steroids. They do get jacked, though.

I'll give them that. They do steroids. God, if I did steroids, would I get jacked? No, because you wouldn't go to the gym. Maybe I would. How often would I need to go to the gym on steroids to get jacked? Like once every couple days? Well, I mean, you don't really, yeah,

if you put it together like a little four-day split and started doing steroids, you could probably get in pretty good shape. Dude, fuck yeah. Where do I get steroids? Do you actually talk to the guido at my old gym who would give people, I saw him one time,

he had the guy doing like the sample, uh you know the sample session this is you know not a guy that's maybe he was his client but it was his first fucking day oh he was a personal trainer personal trainer this like meathead personal trainer who's really dismissive and shitty to all his clients just like douchebag bro and he's like training this like you know dude the whole day and then towards the end of the day i hear him too and he's like i hear him like talking to the guy he's like you know honestly like you know i'm not gonna lie like uh yeah i did cycle but just to get to where i am and now i just maintain and now i just maintain you know what i what i built up by doing this by cycling yes so to be to be completely honest with you to be if i'm being completely

honest with you yes you know and then like i'm like i don't know why you would just advertise that if i tell your clients like does that's the one group of people who should lie about using steroids as personal trainers absolutely professional athletes i guess because there's like a legal issue there but if you're like a professional wrestler or some shit or a fucking bodybuilder like everyone knows you're not. But if you're like a professional wrestler or some shit or a fucking bodybuilder, like everyone knows you're not fucking, you know, you're allowed to use drugs. Right. They don't just say that you use drugs.

But a personal trainer, I just, you know, there's no reason to fucking advertise that. And then like, you know, maybe 45 minutes later, I heard him again. He's like, well, you know, for someone your size, I would recommend, you know, maybe like maybe just a very short cycle. He's like telling the guy how to do steroids. Like 110 pounds. Yeah, it was like, yeah, it was some fucking guy in his like late 30s who probably made a bunch of money in finance or whatever. Right, right, right.

And he's like, yeah, I guess. Trying to go from date rape shape to regular rape shape. Now I guess I'm going to be a different kind of douchebag. Yeah. Now that I've made my money. The only time I ever saw that guy ever get excited about any one of his clients, he was training this 6'5", 6'6", this kid with Eldis's body, but even bigger, like a pear-shaped man. Right, right, right. A man with a woman's hips? Yeah, well, he had a huge ass, so he was very naturally strong due to his huge ass so you know he had this like

dopey looking like baby huey kid in there and the kid was like you know his first day in the gym dead lifting 500 pounds and so uh he had the kid uh doing likeifts with six plates on the bar and shit. And the trainer's just like, yeah, boy! Every rep, he's like, yeah, come on, get it! Yeah, boy! Man. And then they were going set for set on the fucking leg press machine and just maxing out with 1,000 pounds.

He's like, yeah, that's fucking, that's fucking 1500 pounds right there. And he's like screaming at the top of his lungs. That guy just shatters his fucking knees. It's just like a small neighborhood gym. That's so funny. Dude, the fact that fucking douches were using Flavor Flav lingo

is so funny. I remember the yeah boy era. Yeah, it became a Borat kind of thing. Absolutely. And boy did I, that was a funny show though. And I loved... Flavor of Love?

I loved fucking... Yeah, I beat off to almost every woman on that show, I would say. What? Yeah, for sure. You were started. Hoops is my favorite. Hoops. Oh, yeah, she was cute.

You know she was dating Shaq? She was? Shaquille O'Neal. Hoops was like five, whatever, four, and like a small... Yeah. Like, you know how big Shaq's cock is, dude? It's probably humongous. It has to be pretty big.

Shaq is 7'4", right? 7'2". 7'2". 7'1", yeah. He's probably got a nice fat hog, dude. Yeah. You've seen that picture of Kevin Hart and Shaq, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Can you imagine, like, what he did to Kevin Hart's asshole? Kevin Hart making his, Hart making his comedy face. Apparently Kevin Hart's got a real big dick. Yeah. How tall is he? He's like five, three. He's like three foot four.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's three, four. Three, four. He's in great shape. You guys never beat off anyone on Flavor of Love? No No, come on It's just you

Are you kidding? No, I actually beat off these people You just thought they were hot That's like a huge difference I definitely would look up I think you're lying a lot I'm not lying, dude How fucking dare you?

How fucking dare you? I don't think you beat off to these unbeatable, offable things Dude, you can't beat off to a naked picture of Hoops She had some nudes out there, dude. All right. I didn't know about that. Yeah. Everyone I beat off to has nudes or fake nudes.

Yeah. I can't. Who the fuck is beating off to fake nudes? Sometimes for old time's sake, dude. You got to be. Sometimes. No. Even when like old time's sake, there was never.

You never beat off to fake nudes? No. I'd be like, this is bullshit. You're 11 years old. No. Well, you know, maybe I did by accident because I didn't know. Exactly. But, I mean, it became pretty clear

pretty quickly which ones were real and which ones were fake. All I'm saying is... Beating off to fake nudes when you're an adult is like if you still... If you, as an adult, in your apartment by yourself, like, wrote presents from Santa to yourself. You're like,

what did Santa get me this year? Yeah, sometimes you want it. The family's dead, they don't speak to you anymore. Just open the wrapping, it's like, oh, it's a box set full of nudes of the cast of Gilmore Girls. It's all the Gilmore Girls nudes. Thank you, Santa.

It's Mandy Moore smiling while some guy's fucking her in the ass. There's nine dicks surrounding Dakota Fanning's face. Thank you so much, Santa's elves in your Photoshop workshop. Look, I'm not saying I finish to fake nudes, but

you know, I'm stroking my dick for a while. It's an appetizer. I'll search, you know, and I'll be like, oh, that's fun. There's still titties. I guess beating off is know, and I'll be like, oh, that's fun. There's still titties. I guess beating off is more utilitarian for me at this point.

It's something I have to do three or four times a day so I don't kill myself. What do you beat off to? This is never, you've never admitted what you beat off to? Just whatever on fucking

X videos. Yeah. You know, first page, maybe second page. Sometimes I'll go just hit, go in there deep just to see what we got. Get crazy with it.

Get 14, 14, 22. I beat off. You know what I've been beat off to lately? The beginnings of pornos where they, like, first get naked. What the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah, I'm tired. You know what I beat off to, guys? The interview where they're, like, on the side of the road and the bank bus guys are offering them money. I beat off. What's the sex dice? I beat off to all the legal interview where they're like on the side of the road and the guys are offering them money.

I beat off. I beat off. What's the sex size? I beat off to all the legal disclaimers at the beginning about the office of record keeping. Yeah, exactly. What? That's Miami, Florida. There's a good there's a job.

There's like some fucking state government job. You get fucking 60 grand a year to just like sit around and be like, what's that? Oh, that girl. Yeah, she's 18. All right. Thanks. grand a year to just like sit around and be like what's that oh that girl yeah she's 18 all right thanks you know and like that's all you do is you just make sure that the people getting fucked on camera aren't children that's a good job that's a cool job yeah can i get that can i quit comedy and get that job yeah all i'm saying is sometimes you know the first time you know it's fun to see some titties pop out of a shirt well for the longest time when i was a kid i used to beat off to like hbo stuff late at night and then the naked boobies thing that was on all the time was the fucking stanley kubrick uh well there was real

sex which was like sex sucked which was a documentary about sex yeah i want to see sexy fat hippies unless it's me that's the thing man. It's I I really can't fucking stand sex nerds. I don't know what else. Oh, I know. I was on a date and a girl said, oh, my ex-boyfriend was a real sex nerd. He just like fucking. Yeah. Well, no, 90 percent of the time that doesn't have sex.

90 percent of the time a sex nerd is like a fat woman that loves masturbating yeah yeah yeah that's oh I'm like a I'm like a very sexual person

one of those odds that gets you inappropriate wedding gifts you know what I mean yeah anal beads well I hooked up with a girl who said

she was in Baltimore who's like oh I'm a sex nerd and I think it's like I really do think it's like autistic people because it like makes sex. And I think it's like. I really do think. It's like autistic people. Because it like. Makes sex like.

A series of rules. Like they're all like. Dominatrixes. And shit like that. And like. There's no emotion in it. It's just like. Oh what do you enjoy.

Having sex. And then it's like. It was weird. I hate being asked. That question straight up. It's like. Can we just fuck. Yeah right.

I'm in the same boat. Do I have to ask for. Yeah. Like when you suck my penis? It feels weird. And then she did suck my dick, and it was cool. But, you know, it was real. You had to ask questions?

Yeah. And also, she was real bummed. She was, like, in an open relationship or whatever. And she broke up with her boyfriend who was bi or something. Because they, like, met some dude at a bar. And they would bring people back and fuck them together or whatever. And she was like, look, I don't really feel like fucking this dude. So we can just hang out or whatever, but no fucking.

And then she goes to the bathroom and she comes back. And her boyfriend's getting her dick sucked by this guy they just met at a bar. So the boyfriend's just gay. Probably. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, that's so fucking funny. You leave and you come back and a man is sucking your boyfriend's dick.

You're like, I told you, you can't get your dick sucked by a man. I was dating a girl a couple of years ago and she like came home one night and she was like, oh, I got so wasted at the party. And I was like, I fuck these like two girls or whatever. And I'm like, yeah, I don't wasted at the party. And I was like, I fucked these two girls or whatever. And I'm like, yeah, I don't care, but you should have asked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just assume that you can just go fuck other people.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I mean, good for you. Although I would like to date a girl who fucks girls. Yeah. That sounds fun. I dated a lot of them. Pretty much in Brooklyn. Stop bragging. Well, in Brooklyn. In what? A lot of them pretty much in Brooklyn stop bragging

in what? a lot of them I'm from the all hoses lesbians school of thought you know what I'm saying a lot of girls that were just dating a girl that kind of looked like me right right right

I've been in that position multiple times I think we both could be in that position yeah if i put on a bowling shirt i'm like 90 of lesbians i'm like a good transition back into cock it's not that scary of a penis it's like a it's a starter cock it's a welcoming penis yeah absolutely if you're if you're afraid of them it's like not that's yeah it's not scary um we're both very gentle boys that's why like with lesbians like i really split the room with lesbians when i meet them they either oh they absolutely fucking hate me fucking hate me of course or they love me and a lot of them hate me because i think some of them see me as a threat. There was like a trans coffee shop in my old neighborhood.

Like a trans lesbian bookstore coffee shop. And I would go in there to get coffee sometimes. And I really felt like a fucking OSS agent in East Germany. You know, like a dunker. one coffee schnitzel dunk. Were you always dressed? Was that in your fucking sea captain era? Well, I know. I would wear an SS outfit to blend in.

That's what I meant by I felt like an OSS agent. I was in a coffee shop when I first moved to new york and i remember there were these it was just me and these two lesbians that were breaking up with each other and i noticed in the middle of it that we're all wearing the same pair of teva sandals six tevas i love that shit i think i already said this before, but when I dropped my lesbian cousin off at a Burning Man potluck, there were literally five Subaru hatchbacks. It might have been six. It had to have been. Just there.

It was awesome. That rape victim clown I used to live with brought me to a Burning Man party one time. It was Burning Man friends. And I heard the gayest shit I've ever heard in my entire life in the backyard. There was some fucking snooty douchebag from like, I don't know, the fucking Bay Area in the backyard and he's like very cuntily saying

to this girl he's there with, he's like, you know, the thing that I've noticed is like West Coast Burners are like more sort of free spirit, you know, like sort of chill people. Whereas East Coast Burners are like, it's very like Ren Fest vibe. You know?

It took everything I had not to just be like, no, you're also a faggot. If that's what you're trying to say, is that everyone here is a faggot. You especially, actually, because you're somehow a snob about being a faggot. But no, make no mistake. Yeah, you're absolutely a piece of shit.

Truly gay. Yeah, fuck, fuck it. I mean, I don't think anyone thinks Burning Man is cool at this point. I have a friend who thinks it's really cool. Trevor thinks it's very cool. He goes every year. That makes sense. Yeah.

It's just, the problem with fucking Burning Man is just like, it's people who are like, oh yeah, it's just like there's no economy and it's like you just trade goods and shit. Not anymore. Now there's like rich people. That's what it is. Now it's like you just trade goods not anymore now there's like rich people now it's all now it's all silicon valley right they all fucking put go in there and they spend oh there's no economy but you spend like fourteen thousand dollars to make a restaurant for three days yeah it's like oh it's like anarchy and then a couple years ago some guys set the burning man

on fire early and they called the police on him they had him arrested what a bunch of fucking pussies no yeah yeah fuck burning no we just want a different society like this is it addresses all the problems in society by making the people who are gay in power instead of people we disagree with They have to be gay and white and rich. Yeah, fuck Burning Man. It's gay. All the friends I had as a teenager were all like that. They loved music festivals. That's almost acceptable as a fucking 15-year-old, though.

Yeah, I know, but they didn't grow out of it. Right, right, right. It'd be funny. I've said this a million times before, but it'd be funny to go to Burning Man dressed as Bernie Mac and be like, now what the hell is this? That would be a good bit. I ain't even his foolishness. I thought this was the Burning Mac Festival. How do you dress like Bernie Mac?

I don't know. So you just mean a blackface. Yeah, you'd have to be a blackface. Yes, full blackface and then linen pants Linen shirt Oh you should get The outfit from the I ain't scared of you Motherfucker

Oh of course Yes The airbrushed pants With his face on them That is quite the outfit Fuck Now how many of y'all Like sex

Woo I do It's like I'm celibate Boys I decided I'm not fucking anymore It's a choice Yeah Andibate. Boys, I decided I'm not fucking anymore. It's a choice. Yeah. And if anybody wants to fuck me, they can try.

But it's not going to end up the way you want. I like that. I like that. That's my new stance. I'm playing hard to get on the world. Yeah. I would stop having sex if I could just not have acid reflux. Every day of my fucking life.

What have you been eating, bro? I don't know. I ate it, like I drank like a quart of milk last night before bed. And that didn't help? Is that supposed to help? No.

A quart? Yeah. That's a lot of milk. Isn't that shit basic or whatever? I don't know. No, I woke up with like searing stomach pain again and it kept me up for like 30 minutes and then I woke up this morning

and I'm like almost throwing up in my mouth. Damn, maybe you can't eat that fucking dairy bro yeah i was doing a fun little open mic bit last couple weeks about how acid reflux sounds like way too cool for what it is it sounds like a hacker from the future it just means you throw up in your mouth yeah acid reflux sounds like a cool manga. I get it from drinking. And cocaine. Doing cocaine? Yeah. I get it from smoking cigarettes at night.

And smoking cigarettes. And also going to bed on a cool drink. Yeah, I've never had it. I've never had acid reflux or heartburn of any kind. The thing is, my diet's been shit forever. I'm like, I don't understand. I didn't change my diet. I continue to smoke and do blow.

I know, dude, that's, I had such a depressing realization that it's like, uh, like in my head, I was like, you know what?

I don't, I'm never going to not be fat, whatever. But then I was like, Oh, wait a second. I don't have to like, you know,

I was like, Oh, I'm not going to lose, try and lose weight, whatever. But it's like your body just keeps getting worse. There's no, like I'm going to have to do work to just maintain being, like, sort of

fat instead of, like, obese. Really? Yeah. Yeah, dude. You're just going to fuck up your ankles and your hips, too. Yeah. You're going to be like a French bulldog. You're going to be like a golden retriever.

Yeah. Damn, I'd love to be a French bulldog. I'm an English bulldog. Who's kidding who? You're a chihuahua With a dick in its mouth Adam A Chihuahua? Yeah

And you're a Gay Other dog Yeah Woo woo You got him dude I'm all 101 of the Dalmatians I'm every single one of them

Fuck I don't know about dogs enough to make this joke. I just picked Chihuahua because it was the gayest dog. No, Poodle. Poodle's gayer. They had that website where you could put somebody's face in it and it told you what dog you were. Really? Yeah.

And I put in Carly Fiorina and it came back with Collie, which is great because that's what all the fucking mass holes were calling her at the Carly Fiorina rally in New Hampshire when I was there. They're like, where's Carly? We came here to see Carly. Put her face in. I love that you can just be a rich person and then run for president as a Republican. Now? Well, I mean, fuck.

Yeah. You love it? You love Trump? I think it's funny that I said that in a world, thinking about a world where they get out. Yeah. You love it? I mean... You love Trump? I think it's funny that I said that in a world... Thinking about a world where they, like, get out. You forgot Trump. Yeah. I keep forgetting he's president, dude.

Me too. All the time. Although those Mitt Romney pics were so awesome. Amazing. It's like, he just, like, got caught with a side bitch look on his face. Yeah. Poor Mitt Romney. Yeah.

Poor, handsome, rich... Yeah. Well, no. It's like, you know, when a guy gets, like, a guy gets fucked in jail and then he has to become the wife. Yeah. And I'm like, no, actually, I enjoy being in this position. Why is he doing that, though? Actually, it feels good to be Mrs. Trump.

It's powerful. It's powerful. Why does he give a fuck? He's rich. He's fucking, he's out of public life. Why does he have to hang out with Trump? Why does he have to hang out with Trump? Why does he want to? Because you get a lot of fucking money by doing speeches and shit after you're out of office.

You can make a shit ton of money. No, but why is he fucking hanging out with Trump? Why does he just go fucking speak at like, you know... He could be like the... He never can have enough money. Yeah, you're right. Dude, look at this. Because of this podcast, I am now literally a thousandaire.

You know, I mean, we're making okay money. We're in a steady clip. I bought a new laptop the other day. Did you? Yeah. What'd you get? One of those small MacBooks. Oh, fuck.

Oh, you got one. Yeah, I'll get you this one. Because I need it in my laptop. How much was it? Like $16? Yeah, it's about that. Yeah. Yeah. I bought a damn PS4, baby. Yeah. Oh you got one Maybe I'll get the cheapest one Cause I need it My laptop's fucked How much was it Like 16 Yeah it's about that Yeah I bought a damn PS4 baby

Yeah In a blender bitch But now The next thing I gotta buy Is I need a I need a Toyota GT86 You know

You can't That's $26,000 So Looks like I'm gonna have to Double my money. And then once I get that. What's after that? A fucking blimp.

I got to buy a fucking Zeppelin to fly around Manhattan and throw pennies at orphans. What happened with blimps? You know, like. I think they just exploded a lot. The Hindenburg exploded. I don't fucking know exactly what happened. No, no, no. So like the Hindenburg explodes.

And before the Hindenburg, they were like, this is how people are going to get around. But it gets fucking know exactly what happened. No, no, no. So like the Hindenburg explodes and before the Hindenburg they were like this is how people are going to get around. But it goes real slow. Like why do they think that was a good idea for how people were going to get around? It's very comfortable. I mean it's like it probably feels awesome. Boats didn't go out of fashion. People still take cruises. The reason the real... And then they're like

no we're going to only have them but for sports now. That is true. It's because of the lifting gas used in a lot of the blimps that caused the Hindenburg disaster was hydrogen. They had to use hydrogen because only the U.S. had access to helium. And during the war, we weren't giving helium to the rest of the world. So most non-U.S. blimps were using hydrogen as a lifting gas, which was really dangerous, which is what caused

the Hindenburg to explode. And then that sort of destroyed the market for it elsewhere, and then the U.S. eventually stopped, you know, What were they doing

with the helium? Were they, like, prank calling Hitler? Yeah, yeah. Like, with really high voices? Mm-hmm. That was it. That would have been fun.

Nah, but, I mean, that's, like, the one thing I get annoyed with. I think I would have gone a little something like this. I see people riding like dumbass motorcycles and shit. With the two wheels? Every type of technology comes back. All these steampunk assholes, but they don't bring back the best one.

Which is a full-size like ZL1 Graf Zeppelin, which I would love to... With the swastika by the way of course it is so funny to see something so like fun and benevolent looking and then having a fucking swastika i'm telling you man like if i had enough money the two things i would want is to live in a big nazi zeppelin above manhattan where no one there's no rules up there. Yeah, it's like international air. How far up do you have to be? I would literally sit up there, and I would fucking gamble, and I'd cuss. Fuck children.

You'd wear an eyepatch for no reason. I'd wipe my ass with child pornography. I don't even like this shit. It's just fucking how much money I got, and I'm using child porn as toilet paper. Emptying the toilet from the sky all over the city. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Like Dave Matthews Band?

I guess. Their tour bus like emptied out the shit into the Chicago River and there was a boat like under the bridge. And they like fucking covered it. But it was so funny it was Dave Matthews who did it yeah that's hilarious what's Dave up to

these days did you ever listen to Dave Matthews producing more shit you said they emptied all the shit out of the tour bus

you mean they had a concert yeah woo yeah I've always been pro Jack Johnson the other goal if I had money by was it anchor watt what's that that like him yeah yeah yeah that jungle house yeah yeah it's those old like Thai like you know like very ornate like jungle temples uh-huh have one of those and then have a bunch of fucking monkey

servants like King Louie. That'd be dope. Yeah. Well, I don't know if they would be servants. I would just like to live among them and establish some kind of society. Get fucked up on hallucinogens all day long. They'd have to be servants, dude, because then they'd fucking overtake you otherwise. Well, they'd get overtaken.

That's why it has to be democratic. Oh, I see. I see. Well, maybe not. Maybe you have to establish dominance i'm forgetting his nature isn't uh you have to fucking shoot the strongest monkey the first day you're there you show up you fuck up you rape the strongest monkey man i'm reading i'm reading blood meridian and like oh i'm reading it as well yeah there's so much good shit in there so like

they're like they just you know it's a gang of like Like scalpers You know In the fucking Old west or whatever Yeah yeah The cattle guys I literally am reading it Well it's based on Bitch

It's based on like Are you? I am for real Oh okay So I don't need to set up But did you get to the part yet Where they're like They're traveling

And they go to that like Cantina And they meet the guy That has like a retard In a cage No I can't wait Yeah yeah yeah He's got his like Retarded like a retard in a cage no i can't wait yeah yeah he's got he's got his like retarded brother naked in a cage and the retarded brother just like eats shit and smears it all over himself and they're like what what you planning on doing

with that and he never read i'm trying to read to be not stupid anymore dude well it's good for like it's not good for not being stupid you always be stupid but in terms of like making shit i mean it's definitely easier to be creative when you have more inputs right yeah yeah but i don't know man reading books makes you smart it's what i what i remember no it doesn't when i used to read books i was smarter than i am now i'm stupid as shit all i fucking do is play now i've just played playstation 4 that's because you got to play smart games dude oh really played bioshock that's fucking that'll open your mind really i'm I'm Rand and stuff. Okay, yeah. I'll check it out. Objectivism and more relativity.

It's a fucking really cool game. Plus, you get to shoot children. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Bioshock is one of the best games of all time. I know I say that joking, but holy shit, that game is good. I've never played it. I usually just play Dead or Alive Volleyball. Yeah. Where it's those big titty Japanese ladies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's pretty good. That was a good one. I legitimately am going to download it on the PlayStation Network. Do you remember Virtua Tennis? Hell yes, I remember Virtua Tennis. One of the best sports games ever. You remember when you could hack Lara Croft Tomb Raider to get her titties out?

No, I don't remember that. Wasn't that fake? No, no. That was real. That was real, dog. That was like a very pixelated conversation. Hell yes. Yeah, it was like the quality was so low.

They were terrible. They didn't look like titties at all. They were just like cones. And the... Yeah, that's what tits look like, dude. They look like cones. Bioshock seems like it's too fucking hard, dude. It's too fucking involved.

No, it's actually pretty easy. Really? Yeah, it's... That's like the one thing that's disappointing about it is it wasn't particularly difficult. I hate that shit where there's so much inventory and shit. I just want a Grand Theft Auto-style

open-world game. That's kind of what it is. It's not like an RPG or anything. Oh, really? Yeah, no, it's a first-person shooter. I didn't know that. Yeah, I mean, inventory in the sense that you have five or six guns.

Tight. Yes. Yo, Mafia 3, have you guys seen the fucking shit for that that looks awesome i want to play that shit i'm about to download so many games i'm gonna quit comedy and just play playstation i i fucking i gotta get a couple more truck jobs before the season ends so i can buy a tv dude i really want one of those 4k tvs i want to watch that new planet earth well actually here's my here's my goal is a download new planet Earth.

Dub it over with G. George and make planet Earth. And it's like, you know, like elephants, you know, going to the lake to drink or whatever. And then you just say, how many y'all like sex? And then the elephants start fucking. Hell, yeah, dude. Planet George. Planet Earth. Planet Earth. That's the joke, folks. It's how. Planet Earth. George. Planet Earth. Planet Earth.

That's the joke, folks. It's how they say Earth. Yeah. Isn't it? It didn't... Everyone would, when they quoted Will Smith, say, welcome to Earth, would be like, welcome to Earth. But he never even said Earth.

Yeah. He says Earth. In Independence Day? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I remember that. And then they would add the N-word at the end Yeah

He didn't say that either I don't remember that part of the movie Oh, fuck, dude Remember, you know I loved There was Comedian Earthquake Yeah, of course And then there was a guy in D.C. That was Comedian Hurricane

Was there? I can't just be Oh, the fat guy The fat white guy Yeah, that fat white guy He was Oh, yeah, John. The fat white guy. Yeah, that fat white guy. He was natural. Oh, yeah. John Hur.

Yeah, yeah. John Hur. Hurricane. Yeah, his name was a pun, which makes it even shittier. Yeah, yeah. It's terrible. No, he looked like Family Guy, and he had a joke about that. He did.

Yeah, that was his opener. He had a joke about it. He's like, and he would carry around fake glasses, and he's like, yeah, I obviously am Peter Griffin or whatever. It's like, that's, come on, man. So bad. Yeah. But he looked exactly like him. Yeah, obviously am Peter Griffin or whatever. It's like, that's... Come on, man. So bad. Yeah.

But he looked exactly like him. Yeah, he did. To his credit. He did, yeah. That was his best credit. There's a guy that goes to, like, anime conventions dressed as Peter Griffin. I've seen that guy. Yeah, yeah.

Actually, that guy... He's pretty good at it. Legitimately looks exactly like him. He looks exactly like him and he does the impression pretty well. Yeah, Hurricane couldn't really do the impression. Was that guy in a fucking lobby or something? DC was so fucking weird, dude. You would get rich people that are just like, yep, I want to fucking do stand-up.

Oh, yeah, there were a bunch of rich people that wanted to go into it. Why the fuck are you doing that? You have a good life. Did I mention the Sit Down comic? Yeah, yeah. The Sit Down comic? Did we talk about him? No, I don't think so.

Oh, that was... Oh, wait. Yeah, yeah, we did. Yeah, we talk about him? No, I don't think so. Oh, that was great. Yeah, we did. Yeah, the handicapped guy? Yeah, yeah. There's only so much I can pull out of those Wise Acres days. Did I mention Tom Flood? Tom Flood, the severely autistic guy?

If you take this on the road, that guy? No, no. Yeah, Diesel said that about him. I'm telling you, if you brought him on the road, he would murder. Diesel just wanted to put him in that cage like the retard. He's like, I'm taking him to California, and I'm showing him to people for a nickel. Taking him to California. Who else was fucking...

Have we talked about Irwin? I'm sure we have. Yeah, we talked about Irwin? I'm sure we have. Yeah, we talked about Irwin. I had to bleep his name. Yeah. Someone immediately found him. We need more inputs. What about the fat doctor?

The fat doctor. Yeah, legend. Just homophobic. Yep, definitely. Was he a doctor? Yeah, he was a doctor. He was an OBGYNn yeah oh the best kind my friend growing up he was like black and his granddad was like one of the most successful black gynecologists

in dc so he had this really fucking swanky house in like bethesda the house yeah it was like a real nice house but the guy bought it in like 19 did i mention this already no no he bought it like probably like the late 60s decorated it and then it was like yeah this is what the house looks like so he had like this but it was like gorgeous it was like a swingers palace it was yeah it was like a fucking it was on like a hill so it was like split level and uh the all of the back of the house like opened up to this like pool in the backyard. And it was sort of like a greenhouse style kitchen and living room and stuff. But even the light fixtures were coffee black with weird oval-shaped switches. And a lot of that was like poppy luxe sort of look to it.

What's that? It's like a style of graphic design. Like boomerang coffee tables and shit. Like all that owl shit. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Vintage owl stuff. A lot of mahogany and shit, like dark woods.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That stuff. An interior stone garden. Oh, hell yeah. Any velvet? A lot of black velvet. A lot of black velvet. Sculptures of likeof do they have sculptures of like

like black onyx sculptures of jaguars and shit oh hell yeah like this was yes that's so awesome yeah and he had

this old rolls like an old like silver wraith this guy's the best yeah yeah and he was this old black gynecologist

and he looked like in the pictures he sort of looked like Don King in around the house and it was me and Brendan would laugh so much about him like just like yeah i only use my mouth that's how he made all his money

he's buying being the number one pussy eater in dc would it be funny if there was a hand list and arm was gonna have chinese shit uh i don't remember much chinese shit. I think that's maybe more 1970s. Their next door neighbor was fucking James Brown from Fox Sports. Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah, JB. Hell yeah, dude. I didn't realize JB fucking lived in Bethesda. Yeah, I guess he does. Damn.

We went to watch the Super Bowl one time at their house, and JB pulled up in the driveway next to us, and we were like, what the fuck? Yeah. And he was like, you guys watching the game? It us and we're like, what the fuck? And he was like, you guys watching the game? Is this a magical TV? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks so real. Yeah, yeah.

Dude, I saw Berman. Chris Berman. Chris Berman. He lives in Baltimore, right? No, I don't think, I don't know where it was. I saw him, I was in Providence, and he just had the flattest ass I've ever seen him on. He has a total fat guy, just out, straight, and just flat ass. Like Hank Hill. Like total Hank Hill physique, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was kind of a dick. Really? He was taking forever at the Valet. Well, yeah, he's a New England guy. That's right. It makes sense he's up there. Rhode Island.

That's really bad for you to have a shitty ass. Yeah, dude. Bad ass. A shitty ass? Yeah. To have a weak posterior chain, that's where you get a lot of mechanical problems in your body. That's why I'm a strong ass. Strong hammies. Strong limber hammies.

Good strong ass. Yes, baby. Yeah, that's what's important in life. Strong ass cheeks. I'm fucked. Yeah, you're a weak bitch, dude. You are a weak bitch. Sorry. We should fuck Adam up and steal his shit. I'm going to steal your coat.

I didn't bring it. By the time the winter's through, that'll be my coat. That's my look, dude. I know it's your look, bitch, but I'm stealing it. I'm going to get the Timbs and the Yankee fitted. I'm going to steal it. And I'm going to get NBA jeans. That's going to be my look.

Fuck, I forgot about those. XL'm going to steal it. And I'm going to get NBA jeans. That's going to be my look. NBA jeans. Fuck. I forgot about those. XL North Face sleeping bag jacket. Yes. Tim's Yankee fitted NBA patch jeans. If you get the NBA jeans

I will not steal your coat. Otherwise I will steal your coat. Well I'm going to get them. Okay. That's fine. Do they make these in skinny? Do you guys have joggers? Yeah.

Can I get that? I'd love a more tapered... Skin tight NBA jeans? I'd love like a more tapered NBA jean. You should get skin tight apple bottom jeans with like an extremely loose ass. Just hanging like a fanny pack

off your fucking shitty body. Oh, God. Oh, fuck, dude. That was a very 1990s look. That was the last good thing Steve Jobs did, is those bottom jeans. Half of bottom jeans, yeah. We're rethinking what black women's asses look like. Was Steve Jobs on that stage in a turtleneck?

It's not enough to just have ass. You've got to make the booty pop This is what consumers want This is what we're thinking about Steve are you gonna take your cancer medicine No Smoothies I'm taking ayahuasca for it

I'm gonna text my way out of this I'm gonna rethink cancer Boo Boo Hell yeah dude cancer. Hell yeah, dude. Dude, a bunch of years ago or whatever, we had Jobs, Cash, and whatever. You know the fucking meme.

That's it. Yeah. But yeah, 10 years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Bruce Jenner, and the Twin Towers. Woo. Woo. Goddamn. I feel good, dude. I had a smoothie today.

A green smoothie. Oh, what did you put in that? My man, I put some damn spinach, some kale. I put a tomato in that, bitch. I need some produce. Put an apple in there, too. Amber's got a blender. Amber's got a blender, and I'm thinking about blending some shit up.

Getting the juice. You know what I need, though, is glass jars to put the juice in. You don't need that shit. They don't keep well. And you know what? Glass jars really don't keep well. That's why I started using these new stuff from the Container Store. Are you doing Adam's thing where you steal the thing that someone says right before?

No, no. I was doing a live read for our sponsor. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Continue. Use promo code COMETOWN at the container store. Or just go in there and if you go up to the cashier and say, where am I?

That's part of the promo. You have to say it. Call in the N-word at the container store and get 15% off all now go in christmas special just go into any store really scream the n-word say come town give me the come town discount for our sponsors every our sponsor every store in the country A Jimmy Jazz Go to Jimmy Jazz Go to Apple Bottom Jeans Applebottomjeans.co And say Let me get a

Let me get a free sample Let me get a taste test And then try and sniff the The sales girl's ass Yeah Do you remember when like It was hot for girls to have Fake tits and no ass

Like Adriana LaServa No From Sopranos. No, I never thought that was attractive. But that was a very 1990s thing. Not no ass. See, that's the thing. When people say no ass, it's just a small ass. 90s women were trash.

Just like stringy, blonde, bleached out, shitty hair. Yeah. Fake tits and no ass. I certainly prefer a thicker woman. I used to be friends with this guy, Connor, when I was a teenager. And Connor was telling this story one time. He's such a no ass. I certainly prefer a thicker woman. I used to be friends with this guy, Connor, when I was like a teenager. And Connor was like telling this story one time. He's like such a funny dude. I wish I kept in contact with that guy.

You fucked him? He was like, yeah, I was down in Florida a couple weeks ago. And I hooked up with these two really meth-y looking chicks. Just fucking platinum blonde hair. It looks like they cut it with safety scissors. He's like, we spent the whole week there. I like they cut it with safety scissors. He's like, we spent the whole week there. I guess they were Freon addicts.

So they were showing me how to, you know, rip the pipes out of an air conditioner. Jesus Christ. They're like raccoons. They're like, the fuck? Yeah.

Freon addicts. What do you even do with Freon? You suck it? You huff it. Yeah. You suck them tubes. Girl. My friend that used to do a lot of drugs told me that one way to get really high for not a lot of money is gas.

Like gasoline. Yeah. Really? Have you seen Love, Liza? No. Oh, man. That's such a good movie. You'd love it.

It's Philip Seymour Hoffman. And he plays this guy whose wife, she's just killed herself at the beginning of the of the movie she's left him a letter and he like can't bring himself to read it so you know he's at work and he's fucking up and he just like can't stay focused and they're like man maybe you should take a break and he's just sitting in his house and like it's like half cleared out and uh he's like trying to clean the house to get ready to move out of it because he just can't deal with it and he just takes picks up like the rag you know he's like cleaning with he gets into huffing yeah eventually graduates to gas and then he needs a way to justify his like gas addiction so he gets really into like rc planes and then it's like him getting really into rc planes and becoming like progressively more and more retarded

from the gas yeah what did the letter say? You read it at the end. I forget. I haven't seen the movie in like 10 years, but it's really good. What if the letter was like, I fucked all your friends? Yeah.

Don't be sad about me. It's like, whatever you do, don't do gas. Wow. Deep. Whoa. Whoa, dude. That's like sort of like... Came full circle. ...momento profound.

Yeah. What's your guys' favorite movie? Mine's Memento. Is it? No, I don't have... I don't't know what i saw a guy on a bus once that had like tattoos from memento on his body what a douchebag right that sucks yeah yeah i was on a bus in manhattan and that's terrible terrible yeah john q killed my wife or whatever yeah that's stupid as John Q what's his name no not John Q my son is going to get a heart transplant all right listen to me Jake Jake okay all right all right ha ha ha ha ha ha so yeah Denzel how yeah, Denzel, how about just don't laugh in the movie?

It's not convincing anyone. You think he had the worst laugh? I still think Ray Liotta's got the worst laugh. Yeah, that's a terrible fake laugh. Yeah. I think we all have really good laughs. Yeah. Those are real.

I'm talking about fake movie laughs. Yeah, actors who can't laugh. Who else? Who else can't laugh. Who else? Who else can't laugh, boys? People listening to this podcast. Oh, snap. Whoa, what the fuck, man? Shut up, bitch.

Shut up, Nick, you motherfucker. I'm just being honest. You little bitch-ass bitch. You're the fucking bitch here, pal. Dude, take it back. Do not try me. Take it back. I'll fucking stuff that dumb shirt right up your ass.

What dumb shirt? You're wearing your fucking comedy knockout shirt you've been wearing for eight days. This is a free shirt, bitch. That's laundry week. I'm also wearing shorts. Yeah, you... I gotta fold all my clothes and put them away, then I'll change. How many clothes do you own?

A decent amount. Two pants. I don't have many pairs of pants. Eight shirts. I got into... I bought a pair of, like, Levi's, like, Dickies. Like, I don't have many pairs of pants. Eight shirts. I got into, I bought a pair of like Levi's like Dickies. Like I guess Chico's or whatever. And I found them again. They're great. Chino's.

Chino's. Chico's? Yeah, I don't know what the fuck they're called. Chico's. Bitch, they're not called Chico's. That's a place. It's a fucking place. It's still a word. It's a woman's clothing store. It's a word I say once a year. I'm allowed to fuck it up. My aunt used to work at a say once a year they have like fucking tropical what the fuck are they called that they're called work pants why did we decide we're gonna let a different race

tell us what our pants are called it's latino for chinese for chinese the hardest workers latinos got too many damn words they call it they call like that's like a excuse me but i am chicano it's like well you're not latino it's like yeah i'm not too i'm like well which one latinx yeah latinx i like that oh yeah spanish robot yeah here's here's you know what is anyone still listening to this episode here's uh here's a good photoshop challenge for you uh i came up with this one. If you want to try and draw R2-Chu-Tu. It's a Chinese robot covered in ants

and slime. It's Arthur Chu. R2-Chu-Tu. R2-Chu-Tu. Just put his face covered in ants. He got a divorce. I think we shit on him for that already. This is what sucks

Is that like There's nothing really To talk about Except those bullshit Politics stuff That Adam likes And it's not funny I don't want to talk about it

You always want to talk about it No I don't You always try and figure out A way to bring it up That's why we had to Kick you off the show Yeah dude I know I'm sorry

I'm really glad You guys had me back No you're the guest this week Yeah I'm glad We won't be back We don't know Who we're going to book next week It's going to be Weave We're going to replace gonna replace adam with weave and he's gonna be the third chair

on the podcast we're all gonna move to serbia is that where he lives yeah he lives in exile really yeah whoa yeah he's like bobby fisher if he has a twitter instead of instead of chess bobby fisher was just initially good at being racist as well. He's a prodigy? There's no term. He just cut out the middleman. Just went right for racism. Just went right for Jews control everything.

He's a weird ass dude. Fucking Bobby Fischer, man. Have you seen that documentary about him? Finding Bobby Fischer? No, I think that was a movie, right? Yeah, it was. That's where You're the Man Now Dog comes from. No, no, that's Finding Forrester.

That's Finding Forrester. Yeah. You're the man now, dog. You're the man now, dog. You stupid motherfucker. That revolutionized the internet. That dumb website. Yeah, that was like a huge thing is You're the Man Now Dog.

That's a website? It was a website. Somebody made a is is you're the man now dog that's a website it was a website somebody made a website you're the man now dog and it was just a picture of sean connery repeating oh yeah yeah and then like text coming out of the screen that says you're the man now dog and on a loop him saying you're the man now dog you're the man now dog and then the guy who owned that website set it up so other people could create that where you'd like pick the image pick the right right right oh yeah i remember that shit and that was like you know before memes or whatever that was a huge website where people would create those you're the man now dog things right right right and uh and the guy that owned that website also owned dustindiamond.com

and uh it's like official website of international sex symbol dustin diamond and this was before like the sex video had come out. Right, right, right. So it was just like he was just Screech. Yeah, he was just Screech. And it was like home of the international sex symbol. And fucking Dustin Diamond sued the guy that owned the website for control of the domain. And the guy that owned the domain was like 24.

His name was Max something. I forget. And he like represented himself in the suit and like successfully convinced the judge he's like no it's obviously a joke He doesn't own the domain. He didn't buy it. He had plenty of time to buy it Like nobody thinks of him as a sex symbol, so it's clear parody and the judge is like yeah I don't see why anyone would want to fuck this man, so I guess Dustin diamond I this might have changed but as of like you know 10 years ago he was the only person to ever lose a suit like that

that might have been the shit that sent him spiraling dude losing that suit maybe and he's fucking those prostitutes in that sex tape have you ever seen his rider dustin diamonds right here it's like legend it's fucking hilarious yeah yeah it's like there must be six Miller Lights in my green room. Exactly six. I'm in a bucket. You know, it's always bullshit. But, you know, he has that rider and then half the places he plays don't even have a fucking green room. Right.

Because I remember seeing that rider and literally the next week, Eltringham was opening for him at Lestroni's, which is like an Italian restaurant that has comedy. which is like an Italian restaurant that has comedy. So instead of a green room Dustin Diamond just has to stand at the bar waiting for his turn to go up. Yeah, that shit's so annoying that comedy clubs book people like Dustin Diamond. Who goes out to see Screech do stand-up?

I mean, you can't put Screech on the posters either because he doesn't own the rights to it or something. And he would probably be one of those guys like don't say Screech. Yeah, yeah he can't i'm a novelist uh was it jimmy jj walker yeah from uh good times good times yeah he does stand up and like he won't say uh he won't say that he won't say dynamite yeah he won't do it damn yeah that's the only reason anyone's going to see that dude i saw you know who I would go see always? Michael Winslow.

Hell yeah, dude. He's awesome. Well, he's got an actual skill. Yeah, yeah. There's a video of Michael Winslow. It's a great skill. There's a video of Michael Winslow doing the first five minutes of Star Wars. Really?

Where he just does all the sound effects of Star Wars. The first five minutes. And it's sick. And it's amazing. Yeah. Dude, the fact that he nails all the scene changes where it will cut to a TIE fighter for half a second, and he's just like...

And he just has all the... Back to the lasers. He just doesn't miss a fucking beat. But that's just black autism. Yeah, oh, absolutely. Black autism. He's OG black nerd. You know about that.

That's black nerd magic, dude. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's OG black nerd. You know about that? That's black nerd magic, dude. Yeah. Black retard magic. That's what's going to get Hillary elected is black retard magic. You saw that thing. It was on, I guess, The Blaze or something, but she's considering Hillary. Oh, my God. That was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.

I so hope that. I so hope she's- 2020, dude. Yeah, yeah. Then life stops funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. I so hope that. I so hope she's... 2020, dude. Then life stops being real and I'm like, yes, let's root against her. It'll be hilarious. It'll be so funny.

I wish I could just fast forward four years and watch that happening again. Or if we could just have an election now and she loses again. How funny would that be? It'd be like,

all right, some electoral college loophole, there's another election and she still loses. Holy fuck. Oh, what if he just, what if Trump passes a law that says that they have to have an election every month and Hillary has to go against him again? And for the next four years, they just keep redoing the election. He's like, looks like you lose again. He probably would. Dude, he loves elections way more again he probably would dude he would love elections way

more yeah yeah president i would love that that would be great that's what he likes it would create so many jobs you know how fucking hard it would be to have an election every month yeah that's true that would we could just be a country that lives off elections oh big election what jobs the counting they don't get money for that yeah they, they do. Why the fuck does Jill Stein need fucking $7 million then if people don't get paid to count? I don't know. They definitely get paid. No, it's because people need to count all this ballots back in. I guess the people at the polls don't get paid.

No, they get paid too. Everyone gets paid. They get paid. Yeah, they do. Really? Yes. Everyone gets paid, dude. People are just doing it for fun?

I thought that people do it as volunteers. Nah, dude. No, then only rich people would be able to control or to count votes. Yeah, which is definitely... I'm sorry. You fucking idiot. You fucking moron cocksucker. This is what the people want.

Keep going, guys. Fuck you, dude. I'm taking your shoes. I'm taking Adam's fucking shoes. They're just bullshit shoes. Give me the shit, bitch. Why are they so tight? They're ironic Kirkland shoes.

They're not Kirkland. I went to Costco and I got ironic shoes Shut the fuck up, dude If you want a pair, let me know Next time I go to Costco I'll get you ironic shoes like me Do you want a pair? Yes

You actually want some They're $17 Yeah, we said we want some, dude I used to have fucking Walmart Velcro shoes They were $8 Oh, hell yes And they were great Oh, fuck, dude

That's awesome I want those Yeah I'm gonna copy your gay ass Yeah, fuck, dude. That's awesome. I want those. Yeah. I'm going to copy your gay ass. Yeah, do it. I'm going to copy that. And I bought a blender. Did you buy the Vitamix?

But I didn't get the big one. I got the fucking standard one, the 52. I like that it has Vita in the name as if you assume I'm going to put vitamins in that bitch. As if it's not just going to be ice cream and peanut butter. Fucking almonds and shit. Brownie mix. You can make your own almond butter? I fucking almonds and shit brownie mix you can make your own almond butter I can't wait for that shit

yeah you can make your own almond milk you can make your own gazpacho oh yes bitch I'm going soup crazy I'm making fucking

all kinds of shit did you buy the Vitamix I did wow you really did you did legit it's coming tomorrow to my house

which ones you get I just said this what the fuck the 5200 the base level one oh yeah that's the one my roommate has that's the said this. What the fuck? The 5200, the base level one. Oh, yeah. That's the one my roommate has. That's the gay one.

That's the one that's bad. No, it's... You want the one with like texting on it? It's very highly rated. No, I don't want the one with texting, but I want the one

with like the two and a half horsepower motor. No, this one has that. See, look, you have to understand... They all have the same motor. No, you have to understand I'm coming to this Blender game

from the power tools world. I understand things in terms of torque, horsepower, settings I don't give a shit about. I want to press that button. I want the electricity bill to sky. I want to be able to accidentally put

my hand in there and have to go to the hospital. You know what I'm saying? If I don't lose a finger, it's for gay guys. Does Milwaukee make a blender? Because if DeWalt made a blender and Milwaukee made a blender, you better believe I'd be drinking wood milkshakes right now. Oh, fuck, dude. I can't wait to blend that shit. Wait.

Oh, you're getting it tomorrow. Yo, you should put fucking weed in there. Oh, my God, yeah. Can you imagine if you put a pound of weed in a blender and turned it into juice? Yeah.

Oh, my God. What would happen if you drank a pound of weed? Let's find out. Like, real quick. Let's find the fuck out. Real quick? Yeah, like,

if you put a pound of weed in a blender and put water in it... You'd go blind. No. You wouldn't go blind. No, you'd just get super high. Would you transcend levels of cool?

Well, have you smoked Dab before? Dabs? No. They fuck your ass up. My friend Ari's obsessed with Dab accounts on Instagram. There's this guy, AZN Dabs, D-A-B-Z. You would probably die if you did that, the pound of weed thing. No, you wouldn't.

No, no, no. So like Dabs- There has to be a toxicity level for THC. No, no, no. You wouldn't die. But this is- What would happen? So what Dabs are, they're- Stop talking about Dabs. Tell me what would happen. No, no, no. So like dabs. There has to be a toxicity level for THC. No, no, no. You wouldn't die. But this is. What would happen? So what dabs are there.

Stop talking about dabs. Tell me what would happen. No, no. I'm getting to it. So. I don't want to get to it. Just tell me what would happen. Their weed concentrate.

I don't give a shit. You just get insane. You get insanely, insanely stoned. And then like once you're an addict or like once your tolerance goes up, you can like, you can handle it. For us. What if you put a pound of heroin in there? Yeah, you would die for sure.

No, I don't think you would. There's no toxicity level to heroin. People die from heroin overdoses because they forget to take vitamins. It's like AIDS. AIDS doesn't actually kill you. It's from fucking a guy with a dick too big. Oh, it does that a little internally?

It's an opportunistic dick Interesting Interesting I didn't know that It weakens your sphincter Yeah It's not the AIDS that kills you It weakens your sphincter so much

That all your organs come out of your ass Yeah No it's opportunistic diseases Which is a good name That sounds like That sounds like Nazi propaganda It's all these opportunistic diseases taking over the finance industry. Yeah, Tay-Sachs.

Hell yeah, boys. Oh, also, we had a great show. We didn't talk about that at all. Thank you to everybody who came to the damn show. That was awesome. The shows are getting better and better, and we appreciate everyone who came. Funny mom. Especially my man who came from staten island

who i talked to after the show for real yeah he was like i just want you to know i'm a big fan of the show and your willingness to constantly humiliate yourself this guy's at home right now and he's like that's not what the fuck i said yeah it's not even close to what i did i gave him an earnest compliment and he contorted my words to turn it into a funny bit for himself. Nope. Nope. He probably didn't say that

and now you're doing what he said in the story by doing this. You're humiliating yourself. Hell yeah, dude. Bitch. This is Inception. Shouts out to also Ben.

It was a compliment. That kid in the front row. I think his name was Ben. Shouts out to him. Ben's dying of cancer and he came to our show. Oh, no, wait. Am I thinking of my friend, Benny?

Every dollar of the Patreon goes to this four-year-old boy. Yeah. Who has leukemia. So if you're not donating yet... We're going to get him Batman costumes. Yeah. We're going to do that Bat Kid thing. Man, that kid's life is going to suck.

You know he's fine, right? Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I want to bully him right now. No, I don't want to bully him but he's imagine him dude he lived he's he's gonna at 27 years old go shoot up whatever office he's working in yeah in a batman costume yeah because he's never gonna he's gonna turn into the joker that's the joker's backstory he had childhood leukemia and they let him pretend he was batman And he grew up and no one gave a fuck about the Joker anymore. He's like, you want to know how I got these scars?

I had leukemia. Experimental surgery. They had to make my mouth bigger so I could eat the pill. The big leukemia pill. My friend Nate, One Ball Nate I call him, OBN, he had cancer as a little kid and he beat it. But he got a Make-A-Wish shit and they gave him a fucking guitar and a fucking studio and shit.

He got hooked up, dude. He knew what he was doing. If I was a Make-A-Wish kid and they were like, what do you want? I'd be like, cigarettes. To die Yeah They're like Kill me now

I want a carton of cigarettes Every day For the rest of my life And then Some five year old boy Smoking Like we did it I wanna have sex

I wanna eat pussy I wanna eat I wanna eat Fucking Scarlett Johansson's pussy I wanna fuck Lisa Ann. She's like crying. Some five-year-old eating her out. I'm going to die, bitch.

That'd be great if parents took advantage of their kids' cancer to get themselves shit. Yeah, like a stage mom. I'm a cancer mom. I want to go and say it. Now come on, Sarah. You're going to have to cry more. Mommy, stop pulling underneath my eyes. You need bigger bags.

Where are we going to put all the money if not for those bags under your eyes? Come on now, be a star. Mommy needs a new set of veneers. I want fake tits for my mom. Now, quick, inhale all this secondhand smoke. Ah, fuck. Cancer moms on TBS.

That would be a good one, dude. Well, when we found out Shireen had cancer, at first I was sad, but then I thought, we're getting right out of this double-wide. Like Skinner plays or something. They're tour bus shots. We're going all the way to Los Angeles, California. I have my retard daughter here in a cage, and she's smeared in feces, and I'm going to show her to people for a nickel.

Take it to California and show her to people. All right, well, that was a good one, I feel. Yes. Hopefully that's redemption for the one everybody hated. They're referring to as the politics episode. But the truth is, guys, every episode is a politics episode. Yeah, the personal is political, guys. The thing is, is we're artists.

So this is all allegory. Absolutely. If you think these are all just dumb jokes, and you're not really analyzing how this is about, you know. Every slur is on purpose and means something meaningful as fuck if you think about it if you really think about it we're not gonna tell you

cause that's not what artists do but you gotta read between the lines we're not stupid or offensive yeah you just don't get it yeah you're a bitch you bitch ass piece of shit thank you for listening come to the next show also Monday after Christmas Yeah You're a bitch You bitch ass piece of shit Thank you for listening And

Yeah Come to the next show also Monday After Christmas Yeah 26 Stav will be at Magoobies all this weekend

Oh yeah yeah yeah He's hosting for Ben Creed All weekend I will be opening for Bobby Kelly at Magoobies Actually yeah come out A couple people have asked me On Twitter

Come say what's up If you're a come boy We'd love to see you At the live shows Timonium Timonium, Maryland. I'm there Thursday, Friday, Saturday. A fake city. It's not even on the GPS.

It just sounds like a fake element. It sounds like a robot named Tim. Hello, greetings. Y'all live in Timonium? Yeah, just don't thought it was getting too much for me, so I moved out to the country. Fancy Timonium. They got a storage plus, a batteries plus, plus everything. Yeah, they got a Chili's right by our back out there.

They got a Chili's plus. You know what that is? That's where they don't yell at you for taking food out of a dumpster. So, yeah, come out. But, yes, goodbye, everyone. Later.