The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 291 – they do exist

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

he does exist.

And give me a fucking little join a Rooney. Yeah, we're good. All right. Check, check, check. Watch the peptide. I got the fucked up crinkly mic cord, but I'm going to do it like a professional. You mean the one at the bro?

The one at the bro? Could you drop the volume like a little bit? No, I fucked that. Make it louder. Yeah. Loud it up. Loud it up. They're hanging out at a ball.

Yeah, you guys are getting the experience. How do I sound your guys' cans? You sound good. You sound good. Maybe like, can you turn my cans up? All right, you sound great. Thanks, man. How's that good?

I don't think I need to make the difference at all. Whoa, that's too much. That's too loud. Yeah, yeah. Are we showing the same earphones? I think. No, no, dude. I just cranked them off.

I don't know where they're at. Yeah. I'm feeling good. OK, I love you. I'm feeling good and my dick is hard. You want to hit record? It's already going. Oh, OK.

No, listen, you've used every part of the buffalo. Yeah, I got you. This is the Native American pocket. So for all of you who have been following the plot line of us being in the cabin, it's taken a turn for the worst, I suppose. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Yeah, tell the people what happened.

Elders died trying to get marshmallows. That's what he says. Elders disappeared. He was lured into a gay sex den. We've reached the now we need guests to get through an hour portion of the show. Yeah. We've got the crew up here.

We've always been in that position, though. Yeah, we got damn. This fucking, you had to break the mic cord, didn't you? I didn't break the mic cord. It's all right. I know what I'm doing. I see. See how I'm handling it?

Like a fucking gentleman with a hard-ass dick. OK. Well, fuck, so shit. Whatever. Maybe switch cords with Adam. Yeah, it's only right. Yeah. It's only right that you use the shitty one.

I don't give a fuck, actually. We got our boy Ian, little dick fight ants in the middle in the building. What's up? Opposite day. It's actually not. It's the same. It's the it's real day.

It's a real day. It's real day. It's not opposite day. Yeah. And that's the size of your dick is. But nice try, chief. Damn you. Nice, dude.

What? I see what you guys got going on there. Oh, yeah. Made a nice little dent. I saw some of that in Ian's ass. Ian's got pajamas on. You do look awesome. Thank you.

Yeah, you're wearing like a. Ian came to the slumber party with a whole costume switch. Yeah. He's here for like 18 hours. And he came in. And I brought pajamas and a robe. Pajamas and a robe. And I am at comfort level, infinity and beyond.

Yeah, we got elders in the kitchen making us a chili. Our bitch is cooking in the kitchen. We've got the Albanian in the kitchen making chili. We've got we've got our. We have my dog. We have your dog. We've got some some fun. Will's just watching basketball.

Yeah, I beat Will and that's right. That's right here. And which is it's a real towel. You could tell they it was they did rock paper scissors. It was either an intellectual debate or battleship for who gets to be at him plays and he blows up the liberty and then says you're not low play the rest of you. Would you do that at him?

That's how you know. No, that I wouldn't do that. Actually, I would I would play and then I would close my, you know, battleship laptop little thing and say that I'm not into war. You're a pacifist. I'm a pacifist. Right.

Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, well, you know what I'd say. What? Here we go. Hold on. That's a huge bitch. Oh, that was a doos bigelow male. Go ahead, Ian.

Do I try it again? Do it again, yeah. All right, Adam, hold on. Say you're a pacifist. Say what you're going to say. I'm a pacifist. Wait, what is it? All right, I'm a pacifist.

One second, hold on. Ready? Hold on, hold on, ready? Wait, you're what, Adam? OK, what are you, Adam? I'm a pacifist. That's a huge bitch. You got to turn it up again.

It's the volumes all the way up on it. Try it again. OK, one more time, Adam. The volumes all the way up on this. OK, wait, apropos of nothing. You're what? I'm a pacifist. I'm such a bitch.

There we go. Close enough. Wait, did you pull a 7th, 8th times the charm, brother? Nice, dude. Where else? Bitch. He's just a YouTube link. Also, if we get bored later, I brought Marlboro playing cards.

Nice, dude. Nice. And I brought this book that maybe we could have some fun with. It's called Italian Without Words. Oh, my God. Are you going to have fun with that? He's actually, you treat this like it's a Tonight Show.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Look at that. He's like, this is a boa constrictor named Larry. Hey, you know what I'm saying? Oof, I just let a fart out. It's brutal.

You're nuts. Look at that. That's awesome. You're nuts. And you want to? I couldn't smell you like shit yourself earlier, and I couldn't smell it. I didn't shit myself.

Well, he made it seem as such. What? I was worried I had COVID, because I couldn't smell it. No, no, no. Just smelled bad. But I could smell the pork ribs. Why did I make it seem as such?

I don't know. You said it was terrible. Oh, I thought you were saying that you made up a rumor that soft shit himself. I've been letting him rip, and I've been afraid I will have been found out. So I've been getting up and leaving to fart. That's nuts.

Did the president shit himself meeting with the Pope or no? A couple of months ago, yes. Yeah, a couple of months ago. Back in late October. In early November. Imagine your job at the CIA is to control the media campaign to prevent people from finding out. No, yeah.

And you're like, I want a secret service. Does it change Biden's diaper? Shit diaper. Honestly, if they have a heart attack gun, that's proven. What? Yeah, the heart attack gun's real. So they have to have a shit-yourself gun. They absolutely have a shit-yourself gun.

Well, that's what that brown note was, right? Yeah, the brown noise. Makes you shit-yourself. Which is awesome. The brown sound. Imagine every morning you get in a squat. Honestly, did you play that? The shit-yourself gun should be like a children's toy.

Yeah. That would be better than laser attack. For constipated kids? Yeah, nerf. That would be awesome. Yeah. Why do you both look at me? I need you to pick up the sack.

I got a fucked up mic. OK. OK, so you know a terf's? Yeah. What does nerf stand for? No. It doesn't stand for that. Is that what nerf gun said?

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Women should be able to do whatever they want except talk and movie theaters. And that's a nerf. Yep. Yeah. That's good, man. So Ian, what's your finger hovering over there?

You got something else? We got another do-spick-a-little clip? No. I was just, to Nick's point about people talking to him, I went and saw the movie Titan in theaters. And it was in a part of town where it was like Mystery Science Theater, 3,000, for people who can't read.

And what? What are you talking about? What do you mean the can't read part? This person yelled something out. And then this other guy- But it's a French movie with subtitles. They can clearly read. No, not these. You saw a French movie in a black theater.

Yes. Yes, at the Magic Johnson Theater. So in your attempt to not be racist and say black people, you claimed that all black people can't read. Those are your words, chief. That's what you said. I didn't say that. You said Mystery Science Theater for people who can't read.

He wasn't talking about black people, he was talking about babies. He went to an infant theater. And this woman got up in the front row and some guy was like, what? He called her a bitch. There you go, Ian. That's what the guy said.

He did that. Hell yeah, dude, that's awesome, man. That's what he said. Yeah, I couldn't believe it. I also couldn't believe I recorded it. That's crazy. That's such a good stroke of good luck for our show. I know, man.

And I have something, actually, you can stroke as well. Like I'll tell you after the show. Why don't you show me? I will. I will absolutely show you. Show me on the stave where you want me to touch you. You should make dolls to sell. Yeah.

Of myself? Yeah, you should have dolls. Stop dolls. OK. And you pull the cord and it says a stop phrase. You can squeeze them. Yeah, that's good. OK, stress roll.

And it laughs and says, hell yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's like, yeah. Yeah, that's actually a really good idea. A stave arm strong. How much the overhead cost might be hard on a doll? Yeah, it's not like a t-shirt. It's not a t-shirt. It's not a calendar.

Well, we got to take a trip over to Beijing meet with the manufacturers and stuff. Manufacturers of this looking good. I'm about to take a shot of Pepto. Why is it called Beijing? It's like yellow. Yellow, zheng. Well, they're beige.

Oh, sorry. It's Beijing. Yeah, why don't you take that for a walk a little bit? What happens there? I'd say we go somewhere else. What happens in Beijing, Ian, or is it? There's slaves of love today. So I do have Gasex if you need it.

I don't want Gasex. I want Pepto. That's not Pepto. That's top care. Eldest bought the fucking generic shit. Yeah, dude, he's on a budget. Look at him, dude. They were out of Pepto, you say?

All right, fuck you. Eldest and I had the best drive up, dude. What happened on it? We had multiple pissings on the side of the road. It's a two and a half hour drive. Yeah, that seems completely unnecessary. Well, I have the world's worst. I have the tiny bladder over there.

That was you, Eldest? Yep. I kept offering to check out his prostate. He said no. So Ian and I, you know. Oh, boy. You know, in the house, there's a lot of testosterone, especially with me and Nick, and Stop.

We're always firing. Yeah, me and Nick, there is a lot of testosterone. We're always firing shots at each other, and it's equal. We all fire an equal amount of shots. And, you know, it's not, you know, whatever. Of course. That's just our dynamic. Boys will be boys.

Boys will be boys. But when Ian got here, I was like, oh, another soft boy is here. So I said, you want to come? He's not soft. He's just gay. You got the wrong one. Isn't that what? Whatever.

Wow. I meant that in a, fuck him up, Ian. Fuck him up. You remember when I walked in, I looked at Adam, and I was like, come on, dude. Anyway, I'm trying to tell a story. God damn it. You don't even have a sound bite.

You have a YouTube video. You keep buffering back over the part. Yeah, he's out. That's the bit. No, that's the bit. Yeah. That's the bit. He's scrubbing over a cam rip of Deuce Bigelow.

That's all right. Anyway, OK. So what were you guys up to? I meant like, I was like, Ian, you want to come walk the dog with me? So we were having, as we tend to, the gayest conversation. Of course. We were talking about how nice it was to be in nature

and to be out of the city. It is nice. What were we saying, Ian? We were saying like, dude, it was just such a moment of like, dude, look at all this beauty. Everything is, I mean, like, look at these rolling hills. And it's so nice just to hear these sounds. You're not in the city.

It's so nice to be out here. And then what happened? It's nature. And I think Ian was saying, if you look at these houses, and you look at the way people live out here, there are so many people in this country that live exactly like that. Maybe we're more similar than we really are.

Wow, that's such an interesting perspective. Which I thought was a really interesting point. He was wearing pajamas, too. Yeah, he was wearing a smoking jacket. And I was twirling my robe belt around. Yeah. And he was skipping. So anyway, all of a sudden, my dog just like convulses

and then just dives her head into like a pile of leaves. And then she pulls out this, she has this thing in her mouth. There's like long black, black, like thing. I was like, why are you eating that? I was like trying to get it out of her mouth. And he got all this black shit all over his hand. I got all this black shit all over my hand. And then like, basically, a carcass falls out.

What? It was a snake. Yeah, it was a dead snake. Oh, fuck. Yeah, right, yeah. I know. As we were in the middle of having that conversation. Yeah, it's just like what happens on Kroger with these guys.

It's a fucking retard. Yeah. That really, I feel like that actually did bail me out of the story. It did, but it's not the right thing. Like it's not, stop pretending you're some Andy Kaufman level genius. I am. That's some asshole, like trying his best with some sound cues. That was perfect.

That was perfect. That was fucking perfect. Oh, fuck. Well, that's awesome, man. It was gross, dude. Just a gross black snake carcass. Yeah, so I pulled and like, like it was like a sleeve was coming off of it. And it was, it was the, it was the skin of the snake.

She had saw the carcass in her mouth. Yeah. And then I had to wrestle the carcass out of her mouth. Wow. Yeah. Did you get it? I think I got most of it. She ate some of it.

She did. But yeah. No, he doesn't have to pay for dog food tonight. That's right. $5. It's a happy story. That's awesome, man. Yeah, it's a pretty good story.

I was hoping, honestly, you kind of built it up a little too much. Yeah. Dude, just what, just you wait till we get me and Ian can tell this story on the phone. Honestly, I should have just walked in and told you guys what happened. Yeah. I thought you guys, but it is true. At least can you fucking hold your, hold it near the, hold it near your mouth, dude.

You're so, you're so amped to do these sound cues. You're not even talking on mic. Sorry. There's ads. Huh? Okay. Hold on. I mean, you are right.

At least Adam gets to save on dog food. Oh my God. He's playing. Yeah. Well, that's, that's where you would do the curb your enthusiasm. That's awesome. And what point are you kind of getting across with that musical cue? What?

It was just my YouTube playlist. That's what came up after curb your enthusiasm. Yeah. So will you tell us more about the pajamas where they from? Tell us about the jammies. Oh, also can I just say, Stav, what you missed was we were outside admiring nature, looking at the stars, trying to figure out where the North Star was, what planet that is. And young Adam was like, Hey guys, what are those streaks in the sky?

And as we're trying to figure that out, we all witness is also boring. A shooting star. Oh, that was nice. It was beautiful. I saw some cows earlier today. Yeah. I'm sad. I'm sad.

I missed the shooting stars. I was shooting my nuts off. No, you were sitting in that chair on your cell phone. You just saw your big DMing girls and calling elders. This is like the inverse of being like I went to New York and I saw Elmo and Spider-Man. Yeah. It was a coyote and a shooting star. Ian, what did you wish for when you saw the shooting star?

Just so we can all be friends forever. Really? Yep. It's not going to happen. Yeah, that's a fucking wasted wish. What? You just said it out loud. Yeah, you can't say.

You're right. Good thing I knew it and I didn't say the real wish. You'll never get out of me. That's awesome. You told me the real wish. Adam stop. You don't have any secrets. No, Adam.

Adam stop. Ian? I don't have any secrets. Do you think you have any secrets left? You're only as sick as your secrets. Oh, is it AAA thing? So I don't keep the secrets. That's awesome.

Is that one of the AAA rules? Yes. How does that keep you sober? Like, if I drank and didn't tell anyone, it was lying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or you're like, you know, so you have to say everything. So I can guys off without telling your wife. Certainly I have secrets.

It's called boundaries. You do have secrets? Boundaries is the bar, he hangs out. This is a good ass episode. It's always a good time when Ian's here. It's always a good time. I believe are one of our most popular guests. It's very, very fun to be here and I appreciate everyone being nice and kind and saying hello

and coming to shows. It's very nice. That's cute, man. Yeah. That's a good experience. That's a good experience. And I get feedback that my homosexuality has helped other young homosexuals. Oh man, that's awesome.

It gets better moments. Wow. Someone looking at your life and being like, maybe one day that's how I can be. Hey man. That's so mean. I mean, it's the same. I'm just saying that sounds awesome. Yeah, it sounds cool.

Fat people, fat motherfuckers say that to me too. Do they? Yeah. When they say one day I'll get pussy like you. I'll just like, dude, thank you. Which I actually think is hilarious. I'd never meant that, but I like it as a positive side effect. Ian is doing a lot to make people feel better about themselves.

Yeah, that's nice. The work you're doing, talking about second cock and eighth grade, it's more important than what I'm doing. It was fifth grade. No, it was dry humping. He said it was dry humping. He figured it out. Just doing a couple of rough drafts.

But he showed us the guy and he's pretty good. The guy is hot. And he showed us his cock too. You have pictures of a fifth grader's dick on your phone. No, no, no. It's his, it's his... No, they kept in touch. Years later.

They kept in touch. They're pen pals. They call each other by their name. That is true. Oh man. So you want to tell your book fair story? I mean, I know I'm not unique in it. Oh.

I know other people have... Having gay sex at the book fair? Most people don't even buy books at the book fair. Dude. Yeah, we just use it as a cover. Dude, the book fair pissed me off when it was a fucking picture from a movie. And then you would open the book and it would just still be a gay ass book. Wait, you thought inside of the book was...

I don't know what I was expecting. You thought there was gonna be a movie, the movie was gonna play? I don't know what I was expecting, dude, but I was pissed off. They should have had like more pictures or something. There wasn't even like a picture, there would be like maybe three pictures in the middle from the movie. They should have had more pictures through it, even if it's still the fucking book. Yeah. That's all I'm saying.

I don't think that's a ridiculous point of view, in fact. No, I just, now I understand. I think you were like wanting like a pop-up movie. Yeah, that would have been sick too, if it was one of those flip books. And you just went, it was the whole movie? That'd be a fucking awesome book. It would be a thick-ass book. Like that wasn't disappointing.

What? Like I'm the asshole for thinking that. No. Thank you. No, you're an idiot. Did you ball out on book day? No, not really. When they set the library out with those scholastic books.

But that was always a hustle where you'd have to send your mom to work to sell your ship. Yeah, but then you'd get all your family members, their Christmas gifts for the year. You'd get like your grandfather, like world's best grandfather pencil, and you're like, my job is done here. Yep. I don't think I got, I think my grandparents were in Greece, or dead. So they didn't get shit. Yeah, my grandparents too.

I remember I got my dad tools from like the school. From the book fair? No, there was like, they would do like a secret Santa workshop at John Ruron, where it was like little kids would spend, it was just like a place for you to buy gifts for your family. And I see you over there getting a fucking clip together. You don't know what I'm doing. Just tell you a little story. Come on.

Let's hear about your barter system for tools. Your barter system and also cushy dreams. Shit, should we achieve some cushy dreams right now? Where's the copy? In your mind. Yeah, dude, this is what you've been training for. This is what you've been training for. This is what you've been training for.

It's been months. Just pass me the copy. I think it's under battleship. Anyways, it's a website you can go to. Here, hold on, Nick. You should do this over like music. Okay. That'll like set the mood for like cushy dreams.

No, because maybe they didn't license the music for their ad. We don't want to get them sued. Yeah. That's cool. Chill, cushy dreams, it's really good. I'd like to smoke then eat some food. Hang out with my friends all day. Let him go.

Adam's on the mic and he's really good. I got a copy right here. It's right here. He's gone. He stops my friend, but he is a queer. I'm sitting here with Nick at the table. That's right. He's mentally unstable.

He's in the kitchen. He's frowned. He's frowned. Sometimes he can't rap well. Kick it. That's all. Cushy dreams. I mean, he's been told that's better than anything I've ever done on this year.

Nice round of applause for Ian. Did you write that or that's you? That's off the dome. I mean, look, man, it's off the dome. That's straight off the dome. It's straight off the dome. Thank you. I ever tell you that story about doing some show at the crown?

You know how we turn into a karaoke bar afterwards? And that black guy and those two fat black ladies that came in after the show to do karaoke and the black dude did, it was like money for nothing. He did a freestyle rap about drunk driving. Who taught the kids to drink and drive? I was drunk out of my mind. I'm like, this is amazing. And then like 30 minutes later, no one's doing karaoke.

He just goes back up again, does the same thing. He was saying he had written this drunk driving song. Do you remember any of the lyrics? No. Oh, dude. That's sick. The only other thing I remember about that guy was he was the same guy that came up outside. It's people standing outside and he's like, how are you doing?

I'm on em perks, I'm on em deans. I will not ask for money, but I will take a cigarette. Just letting you know it could have been worse. All right, turn that off. Cushy Dreams offers a full lineup of premium smokable CBD. They specialize in extraordinary CBD, rich hem flower, a.k.a. bud, and pre-roll CBD joints. So join the group of adults who are sick of vapes and gummies. I'm so tired of that shit.

Me too. Me too. I hate vapes, I hate gummies. Same. I love smoking my fucking CBD. Yes. The group of adults who are tired of vapes and gummies and want to smoke their CBD. Smoke it.

So, it looks like high quality marijuana. It feels like high quality marijuana and it tastes like high quality pussy. Oh, why? Seriously? Yes. Did they make a new addition? They changed it. Now is Cushy Dreams sober?

Yeah. It's CBD. So I could snort Cushy Dreams and be sober. No, you would fall off. Yeah, you would fall off. You relapsed on hand sanitizer. Oh, you're right. You can't do Cushy Dreams.

No, I didn't relapse on hand sanitizer dickhead. Hand sanitizer was the last thing I drank. You can't even brush your teeth when I'm going on a bed. I haven't brushed my teeth in six years. Scope. One day at a time. You can't do scope. Uh-uh.

I used to do that. That was it. A mouthwash? Woo. So did Stephen King. Good company. I don't understand that part. We mentioned that, but I don't understand why he's a millionaire.

Yeah, he was doing Robotus and all that. Because it's mental gymnastics. You convince yourself, well, I'm not really drinking. You know, I would put it in my mouth and walk in my room and go, I can't spit this out. I'm in my room and I drink it and just do that like 12 times. That never stopped you with cum? Yeah, because it's not a sin to drink cum.

It's encouraged by our Heavenly Father. Um, Cushy Dreams. Oh yeah, Cushy Dreams. The CBD content is up to 20%, which is some of the highest in the game. The attention to detail is noticeable in every beautiful flower. Smoking CBD is the most efficient and quickest way to deliver CBD to your system. Well, actually, that's not true.

Boofing it. You could boof it up your ass. You can boof it actually. And that's what we've been doing. We've been boofing it up our ass. Yeah, we've been doing gravbongs in our asses. And boof it. We've been boofing it.

We've been boofing it. Yeah, we put a roar up our ass. The roar dude. Oh my God. Yeah, you know, you know why you guys are doing that? Because girls just want to have fun. Okay, all right, all right. You can't play a song and then say the fucking title.

How are you explaining your fucking sound, dude? All right, do a freestyle rap to this. Do another freestyle. It's not a sing-to-drink con. It's not a sing-to-drink con. Here it comes. Here's your verse. I woke up, went to the book fair and who do I see, but him standing there is.

We go, we look at the books we have fun. I went and drank Marty's con. I went and drank Marty's con. Went at the track in the grade school, we held it up, and then it blows the hangout later. Then I felt sick to my stomach and I didn't do it for two more years. Oh, wow. Do you think maybe you just, that's what you get off on is the humiliation? Oh, interesting.

Now. So it never feels freeing. It's just like I'm disgusted with myself. Nick's one too. Wait, wait, what do you mean? No, don't let him, Nick's doing a little check on you. Oh, I'm just checking in on you. And yeah, he's wondering.

Nick's doing a little reconnaissance. A little research for his next move. Nick's doing a little research. Next life move. I've got opera binoculars. Yeah. Because multiple times the conversation moved elsewhere, and then Nick would go, let's go back to the book thing.

He loves books. Nick's going to start loving books. Yeah, he loves reading. Nick's going to start bringing you over to look at his library. Yeah, I've been purchasing thousands of books from this scholastic book. I've been going to scholastic book fan.

Getting sucked off by the fucking drama teacher in these elementary schools. Yeah, Ian, I have all the goosebumps. If you're interested. You want to come over and check out my goosebumps? Grown in California and Oregon, each plan. Stop the music. Yeah, we got to do advertising.

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to guarantee maximum freshness and preserved flavor in cannabinoids. It's organic. It's all that shit. Anyway, why don't we spark up some fucking cushions? We're living in a single room with three other individuals. One of them was a male and the other two of the other two I love this song.

I only knows what they were up to in there. And furthermore, Susan, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to learn that all four of them have betually smoked marijuana lighter. You have a lighter. Refers. Thank you, Ian. Dude, best man.

You got to stop with the music. Yeah, but also best band. Hell yeah. Here's the deal, guys. They have two lines of products. They have a 3.5 gram and a nitrogen sealed can of marijuana, but or CBD, but that you can mix with anything else you like to smoke.

You just put his asshole up to them. And they have a pre-roll of CBD joints that are a gram each. Lot of mercy. Both of these products come in three different lines in order of quality. Three different lines, man. Be careful there. Private reserve, ultra premium and premium.

And of course, there are six different choices of specific strains of full flowers. Don't smoke in that loud pack right the fuck man. That can match any of your different moods, like relax, peace, create, hustle, energy, and dream. And it's good to smoke on the beach. And our boys, our boy, Big Dick Bill Menaker, he's actually smoking cushy dreams right now.

Is that cushy dreams that you're smoking? Yeah, you want some? No, it's not. I mean, it is, it is. Oh, give it to me then. Anyway, all right, let me finish it. Hold on, we just go ahead. I want to get a celebrity endorsement.

You go to how good is the cushy dreams? Pretty fucking good, bro. You're in here first, folks. From Big Dick Billy Menaker. Nice, Big Dick Bill. So you go to cushydreams.com. Oh, we did what you do. Oh my god.

That's very funny. Get his ass in. No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't turn him against me. Don't turn him against me. It's been 10 episodes with him. You've never figured out that you could do that. I've been waiting for that.

Oh my god. The final chess moves. All right. The final chess move. Cushydreams.com is spelled K-U-S-H-Y dreams, and a checkout use promo code come down for 20% off. I'm gay. Smoke your CBD because you can.

Thank you. Want to hit the loud pack? Cushydreams? Whatever. Yeah. Yeah, I love Cushydreams. And you know what else I love is you guys coming to see me do stand-up comedy and buying the 2022 Stobby Baby calendar, which is on sale now.

Yeah, I don't exactly know what I'm good. And I'd like to thank you all for always being nice and great. And I appreciate the love. It means a lot. You mean us, not the people who listen to the show. Oh yeah, shit. You're right. So come see me.

I don't know exactly everything yet. I don't know the exact dates, but I'm coming to San Diego, Las Vegas, San Francisco, Sacramento, Austin, Dallas, fucking everywhere, Chicago, I think Missouri. So come go to Stobby.biz slash tour, new dates announced. Go check it out. Yeah. I'm opening a COVID vaccine truth or substack. That's awesome.

Oh. $100 a month. Oh, yes. Not tall like it is. Everyone. That shit gives you AIDS. Yeah. What?

That's post number one. Yeah. Unlocked for $250. Holy shit. Yeah. Dude, I have cash. Can I just give it to you now? Yeah.

Dr. Fauci might have fucked those dogs also. He probably did for $300 to hear the story. And I actually have an exciting announcement. I am. Say we go somewhere else. That's a huge bitch. That's nice. It doesn't even.

It doesn't even work. You should isolate it to that's a huge bitch. The line before it fucks the whole timing up. It's a YouTube clip. Anyway, when you come back, don't you dare unplug it with your delicate little fingers. You do screen recording and get the parts you want next time you come back. For next time you live and learn. Yeah.

True. Whatever. Okay. I love you. Now that's a sound kit. That's exactly. Strong. Yeah.

Nick do the cues. Okay. No, let's let Ian do it. That's fine. You're right. We've still got probably 40 minutes to scratch here. So let him do whatever the fuck. You want to tell us a little bit more about the book that we don't have to say his name,

but what is it? Tell us. You already said Marty. Oh, that was a made up name. Oh, okay. Let's go Marty. Let's go Marty. Oh, wait, when is this episode coming out?

December. January 30. January. It's like late December. Yeah. Oh, is it? Damn. All right.

Well, I'm going to be at the 930 club in Washington DC with the pie tasers, cat bite and kill Lincoln. It's going to be dope. December 26. Oh, nice. Yeah. I'm going to be in Laugh it Up, Poughkeepsie. I'm going to be in Maine, Providence and Vermont with David Tell.

Love it. And I have more dates on my own, Ianfinance.com. Subscribe to my Patreon. I don't have one, but that'd be dope. Nice. Ben Moe. Can you close the window? It's pretty cold.

No, I like the stuff. You will sure. It's nice. Yeah. It keeps you sharp. It keeps you sharp. You know, I was uncomfortable also. But now that I know it bothers you.

All right. Do it. Get him. There you go. No, you didn't even do it right. No, you're just kidding. Bitch. Bitch is good.

That's a huge bitch. Bitch is good. Huge bitch. That's a huge bitch. Adam, you're a huge bitch. He was screen recording already. Uh-huh. Good job, buddy.

I'm learning. Good job. That's what I say about Ian. He continues to learn. He works. He works. I'm willing to evolve. He loves to evolve.

Well, I love to evolve. I love doing the work to evolve and push forward. That's so very true. But some other people would say that people never really change, and there's no such thing as evolution. Who says that? Probably. That's a huge bitch.

Nietzsche. What? What was that word? Nietzsche. Nietzsche. Oh. Did he say that? No, but I imagine.

Did you learn that at the book fair? Yeah. All right. Damn. He must have sucked a cock for a long time, because you definitely aren't checking that book out. You're going to every section of the book fair to suck cock? Ian, just tell us about, like, you saw him at the book fair, the positions that you guys

did. Jesus. No, come on. Let's get his smell. We have a lot of closeted gay guys. We have a lot. Do you want to help these gay guys or not? Help them out.

These people are on the verge of suicide right now. Describe Marty's cock in detail, or somebody's going to kill themselves. Ian walked up, and he said, you know, I always hated when there's a picture of a movie on the cover. And he opened it up, and it's a book, and he was like, it should have fucking pictures. I'm not crazy. Books have pictures on the cover. That is true.

That's it. I never realized that until Ian said it to me, and then he put down the jungle book. He's not necessarily reading that. He happened to in this case, but he didn't necessarily have to have an autobiography. Yeah, Ian looks over his shoulder, and he's like, man, is it just me or does Baloo look hot? Yeah. And that coconut bra.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. That must have been... It's almost like guys can be girls sometimes. That must have been a big moment. And if they're technically girls, you can suck their cocks, and you're not gay. Yeah. In fact, you're super straight.

This is Delaware in 1987. Right. Yeah. Yes. Ian was like, you know, because we're in Delaware, we can blow each other. We don't have to pay sales tax. We can start an LLC. He's like, this is really good.

Oh, fuck. God, I didn't even know that loophole. That's an awesome loophole. You're blowing my mind right now. Oh, yeah, brother. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That would be...

Yeah, Elders, you got the cumin going crazy over there. Yeah. What are you cooking? A fucking chicken tikka masala? You're smelling cumin-y like a bitch. Yeah. That's a bit much, Elders. Smells like new faces in the kitchen.

Very nice. It smells like a writer's room. Smells like a very funny TV show. Why are you shaking your dick like that? Yeah. You have your hand on. Yeah. You're what you're pitching.

Specifically your penis. You're pitching the head of your dick. I can't see it. I'm over here. He's like waving his dick. Because I'm like, I'm laughing so much. I'm sweating. So I was like trying to...

Well, maybe you should be wearing a full pajama. Yeah. You're the asshole on full pajamas. You could have worn a t-shirt and shorts. Well, you're right about that. But I was very comfortable. All right. And why is your penis, though?

That still doesn't explain why you're gripping your penis. No, no, because I was airing my crotch out. You know? Okay. Because around my boys, I like to giggle. That's true. I love to giggle with the fellas. Right?

There's nothing better. Nothing better than giggling with the fellas. It's also okay if you're nervously shaking your dick. That's fine. Yes, I do that too. Is that your tick? No, no, my tick is I shake my leg. I have seen that before.

Yeah. And with your hand, you shake your leg. No. I was just doing that with my dick. My leg is constantly going. My leg's always... Yes. Like a fucking grasshopper.

Yeah. You know, Adam was like, Adam left the windowsill. I left that seat because I'm right next to the window. No, you really are. He's obviously warm. He's hot from his pajamas. If you want to, you scoot closer to Ian and the friction of him rubbing his leg against you.

Sit on my lap and I'll warm you up. We can have a book fair of our own, boys. Yeah. I think that's really desperate. Why don't you sit on his lap? So that's so here's Ian and his friend having gay sex with each other at the book fair. You know what you call that? What?

A reading rainbow. There it is. Nicely done, brother. Nicely done, my friend. Yeah. That was excellent. That was great. Well, I can check out.

All right. Well, we're done now. Yeah. Put into your time card. Time to just kill about... I'm going to get seven more minutes until the next day. Oh, no, brother. We're cruising.

We're cruising. We're cruising right along. We got probably a book fair story, and then we're good on the read. Yeah, we get to read. Hit the book fair again. Come back to the book fair. Yeah. Yeah.

He hasn't given us a lot of... Come back to the book fair. Like I want to... What was the... The homosexual foreplay and then the homosexual sex and like the topping and the bottoming and the power dynamics. There's no penetration. There's no penetration.

There's no penetration. No, no. And... Now, are you guys prepubescent at this point, or are you... What are you when you're like 11, 12? I don't know. That's a gray area for some people. I was jacking off at 11.

Yeah, I was. I wasn't. I couldn't. Yeah. Adam was definitely a child until he was about 17 years old. Yeah. He didn't have pubes. Yeah.

I got... Where'd you get pubes? I got pubes 24 years old. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I couldn't grow up years until I was like 30. I got right after I got my license.

That's 24. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. And right after my mother saw breastfeeding. Yeah. He's loving it.

Yeah. He liked the second tag. Yeah. I love it. He just loves to support stuff like that. How do you guys... Adam loves to support super organics. Yeah.

Wow. That's great. Not only super organics, but also their new websites. Delta. No, diet smoke. Diet smoke. Diet smoke. Diet smoke, which is Delta 8.

The good shit. Which is not marital. Which is weed you could just buy legally. Yeah. Delta 8 is getting to the point now where it's like... Wait, what is it? The fake weed is like that soaking thing Mormons do. Yeah.

Delta 9 is definitely you with your dick in a bitch's pussy. And this is a certain type of smoke? Yeah. So these guys super organics. Smoke on the water? All right. You want to know the answer to the question or not? Can you cut the thing?

Yeah. Cut that for a second. What is... That's got to be a euphemism for book fair action. Book fair action. You want to go have a smoke on the water? Yeah. Yeah.

We're going to share a cigarette on the river boat. Your dick is the smoke. Yeah. The water is you piss in a little... Piss in a little bucket. And your dick is floating on the piss. And the bottom sucks your dick. That's a smoke on the water.

Oh, yeah. Smoke on the water. Yeah. Nice. I'm sure you've been on both sides of that. Smoke on the water just getting your dick smoked while you're sitting on a rock. Okay. I would like that too.

Yeah. Diet smoke is super organic. These guys... These are some good guys. Yeah. The Kratom stuff. They have like nine different websites. And I'll tell you something.

I'll tell you something as a lover of their product. I was the first to jump on the diet smoke bandwagon. Yeah. I take it and I took it to be like, well, kind of, I don't want to go the full bore. Took one of those bitches. Let's just say I was having a good old time. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

I was basically... And maybe when I was supposed to say this, I was essentially high on marijuana. I haven't read the copy. I don't know what we're allowed and not allowed to say. Wait, what is this thing? You're basically buying weed for real. It is not marijuana. He says, feel free to riff on the entrance.

Well, we're riffing. We're riffing in a major way. First of all, the super organic, the main thing is the Kratom, I guess. And you want to do that? And will this show up on a drug test? Kratom? As weed. No.

This Super 8 stuff. I mean, I have... Oh, that's a great question. I have no way. Delta A metabolize in the same way that Delta 9 does in the human body. Therefore, there's no way for drug tests to tell the difference between the two cannabinoids. If you're regularly drugged, we recommend against using Delta 8. This is straight up weed, bro.

Oh, my God. They're basically like, yeah, you'll fail a drug test. Skycheck Xander. You've got to be kidding in Italian. That's nice, bro. Most of this joke is visual. So you wrote a book that has funny pictures. But you could speak it.

Skycheck Xander. That sounds nothing like Italian. Yeah. And you're Italian. You're really forcing this. Can I just say something? You're forcing the whole Italian thing in. No, I'm embracing it.

You're Delaware trash. You're a white trash from Delaware. I'm Italian. When was the last time a relative came from Italy? Bro, never. When was the last time they were receiving a relative that came to visit? Have you ever met? Have I ever met any relatives from Italy?

Yeah. No. Do you have any? They're all dead. Okay. Wow. So you stop. That's all backfired for you.

Yeah. No, I'm trying to keep their memory alive. He has them. He just doesn't know them. They didn't all die. I have a question for you. Let's talk about super. Let's stay on topic.

Cratom is like, so heroin would be actual Italians and Cratom is Ian. Ian. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Cratom is a metagon. Yeah. It's the gay version that only kept the loud part of the culture.

Yeah. Everything else is, you know. A disgrace. To the old stuff. He doesn't even talk with his hands because they're always filled with other man's cocks. Because they're always reading. Hey, listen. Half the time, a woman's pussy.

Yeah. Or a woman's cock. To give you full, all the, they're always full. Because I'm not trying to paint you as a homosexual. You're a bisexual. No, I'm not. I'm a bisexual. Yeah.

I'm with a gal. Cool. Yes. That's great. Yeah. And at any minute, that hunger cock, that cock hunger could strike. I feel like you're not. You're a werewolf.

Yeah. Like, you know. No. What? I'm not doing enough for the buy visibility. Yeah. There's a lot of buy erasure. Yeah.

You don't. There's a lot of buy erasure that happens and I do speak out about it. Well, real quick. Super organics. Right. Which you can go to get super. Get superleaf.com to get to. Slash.

Slash. Come town. Is a thing. These are two completely. Like separate companies, even I think. Okay. But there's one guy I talked to. He asked me about buying separate reads for the, and I said, I'm too tired to figure

that out. Right. So I'll just give you free reads for both of your companies. Perfect. Same thing. I said, I'm going to check with the cushy dreams guys. Yeah. To see if they're okay with the competitor.

Right. And I forgot to send that. Hey, what are you going to do? Oh, well, they're not. They're not competitors because cushy dreams is for the adults. Yeah. That smoke. And they're sick and tired of vaporizing.

And this is for the babies. They chew. They want gummies. So they're not competitors at all. And say, you know what? My problem, you know, my problem with animals. This is actually weed. Sometimes you get so high, it can be difficult to control, to dose it right.

There's nothing worse than being baked out of your mind when you didn't plan on it. Right. I'd say being violently raped in prison. Yeah, that's probably way worse. Just dying. Yeah. I actually do that quite a bit. Actually, I get way too highly raped.

No, I get high all the time and I've never, it's never felt like getting raped. And you know, once you eat it, there's no going back. You sit there suffering. Stoned out of your mind. That's when I decided I needed the perfect medium high. I hit up my friends at Diet Smoke for their delicious Delta 8 THC gummies. Diet Smoke isn't light, it's just right. The Goldilocks of, you know, smoking weed.

Fake weed. Yeah. And also, that is psychoactive. And cushy dreams is non-psychoactive. It is not. What's the difference? I just said it. We should probably not mix the two.

Right. We particularly shouldn't say the other brain's name. We definitely probably... And if anyone has a problem with that, we have a gun. So try this fucking piece of shit. It's also... Suck our fucking dick. Fucking KS companies.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Well, you do want an assortment, right? You definitely do. Because if you're a fan of this show, when all of your friends come over, you're going to want to have options. For sure.

And not just your friends, but the girls. You're fucking... Yeah, you're going to want to have... Go to dietsmoke.com and use the promo code COMTOWN. C-U-M-T-O-W-N for 20% off your order. And also go... Wait, hold on. Then it says that's 2-0 off.

20%. So I think they... I think it's 20%. COMTOWN, well, it says go to dietsmoke.com and use the promo code COMTOWN for 20% off your order. That's 2-0-O-F-F. So they spelled the discount. So you know how to say it. Yeah, smart.

Yeah, nice. Cover all their bases. And also we want you to go to getsuperleaf.com slash COMTOWN for 20% off your entire order. Right. And the promo code for that is also COMTOWN. So that's getsuperleaf.com slash COMTOWN promo code COMTOWN for 20% off your order. Yeah. And that's so fucking true.

Yeah, that's true. And so back to that book fair. Yeah. Let's hear the rest of the story. So you see him. He's looking hot. It's fifth grade. Yeah, he's looking hot.

What is he wearing? He's wearing a beautiful boy. Pre-pubescent or is there a split? He's a fully grown man. You're a child. You're a child. No. No?

You're the same at the beginning of puberty. Totally same. Awesome. Totally same. And the vibes are right. And you guys left the blue library. Did you guys in grade school have to shower with other guys? Absolutely not.

No. No. Just with the guy teachers. Yeah. Yeah. Watching you? No, shower with them. Oh.

Yeah. Naked. I don't know. No, the only public. No, no, don't make a sound cue. Yeah. If you had it, you should have done it. It's off too.

I know. My battery is dying. You can't take a seven second beat. Take the cord away. Take the cord away. Just repeat it again. Which one were you going to use? That's a huge bit.

You had to shower with other children. Dude, we went to like an all-boy school. And as part of the health code or whatever, you had to shower after gym. And that was part of it. It was a Catholic school. Yeah, like you changed. You went to an all-boys Catholic school. Was it a Catholic school?

It was. For a couple grades. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we... What's the deal with Catholic school? It's like... Hated it. It's private school or...

It's private. Okay. We all hated it. So we would just like wash our heads in the sink and then put our clothes on and be like, we showered. And then you would get a detention if you got caught, like not showered. It's like very weird. When my mom was like...

Did you go to church in the school? Well, you have like religion classes, church services. You have probably a chapel. Yeah. And then during like Lent and Advent, they'd have church before school at like 7.30 in the morning on the Tuesdays and Thursdays. And some of us would go that we're trying to repent for this. I always wanted a uniform.

I thought that would be cool. Yeah. Just all black suits with little caps with skulls and bones on it. That would be a cool school. Like a Nazi uniform. Like, yeah. Well, I wasn't even thinking about it. I was kind of an SS uniform.

I was imagining it was like... It's an SS uniform. Now that I think about it, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like big runes, yep, that's what I was thinking of. Yeah, they had skulls on their hats. Maybe a different uniform.

Yeah. Yeah. But that is the one you were thinking of. Maybe it's just a baseball cap with a swastika on. Yeah. Daniel, you turned my... I had a sound cue. Oh, well, that's just a baseball uniform.

Go ahead. I'm sure it would have been perfectly timed. Wait. How did I not? Just a luminosity ad place for five and a half minutes. Go ahead, Ian. No, never mind. No, no, no.

You have to do it. Okay. So it turns out that your private Catholic schoolboy uniform is a Nazi uniform. What? Oh, okay. All right. Just go back to... Oh, my God.

Okay. I love you. Just get back to this hot gay story that we're asking you about. You look like a Chinese guy that's really good at karate. Have you? Is this story technically... No. But I did ask.

Let me do this. Do me a favor. Fuck a Korean guy. Let me know how it is. You all right? He just hit his funny bone. I'm sorry, dude. Have you ever fucked a Korean guy?

He was Asian. I don't know if he was Korean or Chinese, but he was... Dress as a girl overseas. You can't tell by the asshole. No, no. We didn't get that far. Oh, that's a shame. We didn't get that far.

No, we fooled around and I came very quickly. Oh, yeah? So, Ian's behind him, and then the Asian guy goes, Chinese fire drill. And he runs around and fucks the Indian. Fuck. That's good stuff, man. Yeah.

Did you guys make the dragon together? What's that? You know, the big dragon they walk around. I thought there was like a sex move. No. Oh, okay. Okay, so that's a Chinese guy. Wait, hold on.

Question. None of you guys ever fooled around with a guy when you were younger? Because it's a very normal childhood thing for boys to fool around once or twice, and then just never again. I've told the story before, but I asked my neighbor when we were both five to show me his cock. So I shot my shot at being gay, but I failed. And he didn't do it?

And he was like, I'm good. Really? Yeah, yeah. How did you feel? Like, rejected? Whatever, I don't give a fuck. I did it mostly as like a rebellious thing because my, we had just that day in school, they had told us,

don't show your privates to a stranger. They taught us it was like bad to show people your cock. So I was like, maybe me and this guy could show each other. They're not fool about it. Yeah. They're not telling us about all there is. But yeah, unfortunately, dude. Yeah.

After that, my, my confidence was shaken. I never did any gay shit. But see, I think a lot of kids do that, a lot of guys do that. And then they think that it makes them gay. And then they have that in their head. Yeah. Like the rest of their life. And it totally does not.

Yeah. No, I mean, I, I, I've told the story before. You just, I don't want to blow up anybody's spot. But there was like a older, it was like his aunt lived in the neighborhood. He would come visit an older kid and he would be like, let me suck your dick. Right. And I let him do that a bunch. But then he would be like, he'd be like, you know, you do it to me.

I'd be like, no, I'm not doing it. Yeah. Right. And then I dodged the bullets. Yeah. Yeah. He was like your bitch, right? Yeah.

Yeah. And the, the, the, I think I mentioned this board one time he like, he had like a little sit because that kid must have been getting like fucking molested or something. Probably. Yes. And he had like a little sister. And I remember one time like he like had her squat over his head. Oh no.

Unlike a transformer. You know, there's like transformer boxes. Yeah. Yeah. And piss into his mouth. Whoa. Broad daylight. Whoa.

And, and then he was like, try it. It tastes like beer. And it's like, you shouldn't be drinking beer. Yeah. Damn. This kid was getting fucked. Yeah. Yeah.

Poor fucking kid. But he probably liked, he probably thought you were a cool guy if you wanted to suck your cock. Yeah. I mean, it made me, you know, give me the opposite. A lot of confidence. Yeah. I wish some guy wanted to suck my dick when I was a kid.

And then you get older and you're like that. Then you find out that's gay and you're like, damn. Wait, that doesn't count. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. It just seemed like an awesome thing.

Yeah. Like an awesome little trick. Yeah. So many guys. I know, I mean, I know what you're saying, but I, I know a bunch of people that have been like, yeah, I've sucked the dick one time. Yeah. Well, I think straight people also did fuck with me.

But I remember, of course, there was like an anonymous confession website. Like like long time ago, like 2000. Yeah. I forget the name. Remember post secret? I don't. But that wasn't it. And the girls were really like 95% of them were just, you know, yeah.

When I was like six, I sucked my cousin's dick and now I want to kill myself. Right. Yeah. Just a lot of people like that. Yeah. Yeah. And then I was like, oh, I think I was just a coward. Yeah.

Because I tried with that one guy and then I never tried. And then I never, I had a weird like my partner. I think I mentioned this before. My partner in kindergarten. So you had a husband. Yeah. Like a husband. No, no, no.

Like she was a white trash girl, like a civil union. I wish. Like woke. So you called her partner. We called each other partner. No, she was like my girlfriend. She was like so partner. Yeah.

Yeah. And then she found out her clip was bigger than yours and she broke out with you. No. My dick was the same size as it is now. Thank you very much. A fully adult man. I don't have a child penis. I don't have a baby penis.

I had a full grown penis as a baby. That has to have happened to somebody where they had like a small adults penis growing up. Yeah. Yeah. Just like never having a growth spurt. Yeah. I mean literally that.

Yeah. That's true. It probably definitely has. Dude, I remember a kid I knew, like a girlfriend was like, oh my God, he has a huge penis. It's like an adult. And then you just turned into like a dust cloud outline. And then I heard a rumor in high school that he had like a massively small penis. I was like, oh, I guess he just had an adult.

They should say it that way. That sounds cool. Yeah. He's got like a massively small penis. He's got like a monster. Yeah. It's a creep. It's like a Nosferatu.

He's got a monster small dick. Oh, cool. That's fine. That's cool. That's me. Also another weird thing that happened. There was like this rumor about this girl that was like a slut and she like ate M&Ms out of this guy's ass.

And I was like, oh my God, she's such a slut. What a gross fucking slut. Peanut or regular. I don't know. I don't know. But it's like, why did everyone hate her? I think she was a slut. Here it is.

And not going to tell, why are you asking someone to eat M&Ms out of your ass? Massage. Yeah. Can you dress up like Santa and eat M&Ms out of my ass? Massage me, brother. And say, they do exist. There's a red and yellow M&M being like, how the fuck are we going to get out of here? They're just in an ass.

They're like, what is this commercial? And he's like, well, in high school. I thought that was common. My friend told me a lot of people blow each other. So I figured it was pretty common that people ate M&Ms out of each other's asses. And now I'm a creative director. And we're so happy to have you here. What?

I was going to say my name is Bethy. You're bad with a microphone. Oh, sorry. Your job is exclusively on microphone. I know. You're both a standup. Pull away because when I laugh, I move my hands like that. Yeah.

We were a funny story about, say his name or not, but stop. What guy? About what? I would say no. I'm going to go with no. Our friend blowing some set because he held the mic. Oh, yeah, I don't want to. But it's funny because I've always, when I did stand up, before I quit to explore

what happened in elementary school with my friend. Did you do some deep thinking? To re-read your past. Yeah, because I would always just hold the mic on my chin. So I know I'm talking into it. But then I would tape sets and you can't see my mouth. And it kind of fucks up. So anytime I saw somebody that could hold the mic, you know,

I should figure out how to do that. I used to do that because I used to hold the mic in one hand and like walk around and I would hold it down and kind of like yell. But now I hold. What are you laughing at? I used to be a hand free to do fucking the somersaults. Yeah, now I'm hands free so I can be as Italian and gay as I want. Now you can bring your own Janet Jackson style microphone.

Yeah, I have it at your set. Choreograph dances. It's amazing. Yeah, man. But I'm sorry to cut you off for you. No, it's all good. That chili smells so good. Elders are getting busy in the kitchen.

Well, Elders is gone now. Are we going to go get marshmallows? Yeah, we're going to make a fire in the back yard. I can change out of the pajamas. He's got a robe and boots he can put on. I got robe and boots. That's true. You're going to get on the pajama train, dude.

I'm going to fuck with pajamas. I'm not anti-pajamas. It feels so good to shower and put on like clean pajamas. We have multiple sets. I really don't like. I don't like. You don't like pajamas? No, I don't like the idea of them.

Why? I'm with you. I have to sleep in like just underwear. Actually, I'm with you. But I think in terms of evening loungewear, I like the idea of being in my house at 8 p.m. Nothing to do. Fresh shower.

That's what men used to do. And I like it. I feel like I'm becoming an old man. Take them off and fold them before I get pussy. And I have a big coffee thermos I carry around with. I talked about it, but I don't really like it. Sometimes when I get too comfortable, I feel like claustrophobic. Yes.

I love getting. Because that's when the thoughts come back. Yeah, but more like I feel like I'm in like a coffin. No, it's home. Yeah. Yeah. Nick is the shoes in the house guy. Yeah.

Fully closed. Yeah. Even at home alone, I'm like. He can't really chill. I'm never. Yeah. That's crazy. I think a shower I get dressed immediately.

What about slippers? Would you put on slippers? Wait, what do you do? Yeah. After I shower. When you're wet. Yeah. Like you're splitting a hotel room with a friend.

I do that. Unless it's nighttime. But I immediately get dressed afterwards. Yeah. It's kind of weird that guy Hugh Hefner, he only wore pajamas. But he didn't leave his house. So he was only at home. At home.

He was a shut-in. He was? I don't know. He didn't really leave. No, when he left his home. He lived with a bunch of whores. That's pretty sure. Would you leave?

He had everything he needed to do. Yeah. He would just send a whore on an errand. He'd wear pajamas and fuck his whores. My favorite thing about him was that he had like scheduled relationships. Like this is my girlfriend for like six months. Jesus. And then you get traded out for somebody else.

The main model. The main one was Heidi. I remember. Yeah. Yes. And I jacked off to Kendall as well. Kendall? No.

You jacked off to a Kendall? Yeah. She was a woman. He's like, wow, finally a man with a smaller penis. There's, I've seen at least like a couple pictures of people. Instead of fat Barbie, they should have just done fat Ken with money. Yeah. Yeah, baby.

But he's nice to Barbie. He's cool. He's nice. He knows good restaurants. He gets you. He gets you an Uber home because he's a good guy. Yeah. Fuck this mic, man.

Dude, have you ever tried slippers? Yeah. Would you wear slippers? I don't like them, dude. No. You got to wear shoes. Well, yeah. I have to be fully dressed.

I don't like, yeah, not having. Yeah. Right. Nick is a zipper down sex guy. Yeah. What's that? Yeah. I put my dogs through the zipper.

It's fully dressed. Yeah. When you're doing it in public or at home? At home. At home. What? He would never do it in public. He's not a degenerate.

Yeah. I'm not a degenerate. In fact, I, even at home, I often don't. Yeah. Wait. He doesn't have slippers. Even when you're doing it missionary. No.

Yeah. You leave your jeans on. Yeah. Shut up. He is. He is. He is, dude. He is.

Why are you laughing at him? Why are you laughing? I'm laughing with him. Why are you laughing at him? We've never laughed at him. I'm laughing with him. Because he's a hole in the front. We've never laughed at any of your stuff.

We've never laughed at any of your stuff. I have a zipper in the back. When I'm laughing again. Yeah. I hate like a nice sweater. Like we have to wear a sweater to like Thanksgiving dinner. Right. Yeah.

Really makes me uncomfortable. What would you rather wear? What's that? What would you rather wear? Just a t-shirt? Yeah. I guess. Yeah.

Just, you know, jeans and a t-shirt. You never like to throw on a nice little sweater? No. You might have to wear like when I had to go to the last time I had to wear a suit was for Racine's wedding. I think. And yeah. Just super.

Oh dude. A suit. You feel fucking awesome. No. I hate it. I don't like. You feel like a fucking James Bond. Keanu Reeves.

Fucking mafia guys. A lot of cool guys wore suits. You never feel like jet fucking, not James Dean fucking, Dino Martin, Dean Martin. Hey. Mambo Mambo Italiano. Go, go, go. That's awesome. That's a Rosemary Clooney.

Yeah. I believe so. Yeah. That's not Dean Martin. Yeah. It's a little bit. Dean Martin does Mambo Italiano. I'm sure there's a recording.

I'm sure he's covered it. Well, you are Italian. I guess. Yeah. I would be the one that knows. Yeah. Mambo Italiano is what they called their relationship. Yeah.

It's a book. It's a book. It's a book. It's a book. It's a book. It's a book. It's a book. It's a book.

Wait a second一下. With the book fare guy. His african boyfriend. That's very good. That's the only... I can only riff on that topic until we mind the book fare. We have so much, we've barely taken a bite out of the book shipment. It's a giant turkey mic and we...

Nibbled. You got to leave them one more. No. You've got to be, no, you've got to leave them like... Yeah, you just dive into the book. You dive in. You're right. We've got to have a back.

Who's at the Book Fair? What? A bookmark. Nice. That's good, man. Yeah. We're doing good. Woo!

Yeah. Nice. Yeah, we're good. Yeah. That's awesome. Well, Ian, thank you for being on the show. Thank you for having me. Thank you for the sleepover, too.

This has been fun. Yeah. Thank you to you, the listener. Thank you for being on the show.