The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 3 – The Sleepy Boys

Episode Date: May 25, 2016

Dan Soder (@DanSoder) is our first bonafide guest. He’s got a real radio show on Sirius XM (the Bonfire), and he’s on television folks (Billions, Showtime), but you can tell from our friendly rapport that he considers both me and Stav to be contemporarie

🎵 Come Town 3. This one we already – okay. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Come Town. Come Town 3. This one, we already, okay, so. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Comptown. Comptown 3. This is the big one, guys. The pressure's on because, uh, you know, we got a huge shout-out on NPR and on, uh. Terry Gross.

Terry Gross. Shouted us out on Fresh Air. More like Terry Gross looking bitch, dude. Hey. Hey. Take that, you fucking. Hey. Short hair, haircut having ass bitch.

Yeah. Ah. Uh, no. We recorded a backup one in case we couldn't do this one. And it came out as garbage. Adam ruined it. We had Adam come back and he ruined it. He wasn't talking in the mic. He wasn't paying attention. Just trashing Adam.

Well, I mean, that's how I defend himself. I mean, it was partially my fault, but, you know, I blame him, too. So this is the third one. We got Dan Soder as our guest. Yeah. Which you're the first time we haven't had a real guest. Adam doesn't count. Why doesn't Adam count?

He's just our friend. He's our friend. He's a cowboy. He's guest third mic on the show anyways. You're going to get a lot of train in this podcast. I love it. That's the fuck train. Guys, we are live at the top of the Empire State Building

in the new Anthony Cumia Studios. We are live from the Baba Booey Studios. In the torch of the fucking Statue of Liberty. The button to get to the new Anthony Cumia Studios is just an N. And you press that one. Did you ever hear that

Russell Meneve joke? Where he's like, did you guys hear that story about the Asian delivery driver getting trapped in the elevator for four hours? He couldn't find the R for Robbie. Classic. That might be the best joke I've ever heard.

Yeah. Russ Meneve is hilarious. Yeah. We should quit comedy. Yeah. Because I want to quit right now? Yeah. Let's do it.

You want to play WWE No Mercy? Fuck yes I do. Do you have that? I haven't played a wrestling game since like 1998. Well, guess what? This one came out in 2000, right around that same time. No Mercy on 64? Oh, yeah.

I probably played it, yeah. Okay, well, how about this Sunday? Why don't you bring your ass over here and jump in the mix with Stav's new character, Admiral Sex. Admiral Sex is my creative character. Dude, create a wrestler and create a skater. That was the greatest innovation of all time. Are you talking about Tony Hawk? Tony Hawk, yeah.

The only thing better than create a skater was turning off gravity, where you just do 49 million points. Oh, yeah, you do that, and then what's the point of even playing the game at that point? I would finish, and then the score would be going off the screen. I'd be like, yeah, that do that, and then, like, what's the point of even playing the game at that point? Like, I would finish, and then the score would be going off the screen. I'd be like, yeah, it was a good afternoon. Couldn't you buy, like, jean shorts or something? Yeah, you could buy different stuff. Right, right, right.

Yeah, I remember mine in American Wasteland. I had, like, a blue genie guy that had a parrot on his shoulder. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah, we used to get super high off really terrible pot my freshman year of college, and then we dominoes. And then we would try to see who could get the most points in one trick. Yeah.

Because if you did the thing, what's it called where you keep the balance going? Rail? Manual. Manual. If you manualed off of like a trick and then you got to like another. Yeah, you could keep those chains going forever. Yeah, so we'd get to like 49 million, 50 million. Yeah.

And it would be like when someone would fall or fuck up, it would be – it was like ice skating. Yeah. It's the only way to feel like someone would fuck up and we'd be like, oh! It would be like heartbroken. You'd cry. Oh, it was so bad. Me and my friends used to play the first one and it was like both – it was so easy. We had it down to like muscle memory to where you hit like start and then reset or restart the fucking like uh immediately we had like a five second rule like within the first five

seconds you could restart yeah and you would just sit there and it would be two people playing and you know whoever loses you pass off the controller right but on the that first like warehouse level where you double back around yeah and like grind on that half pipe and then do the come back down into the yeah yeah yeah it would fuck it up every time and so he would sit there for like 45 minutes being like oh fuck oh fuck oh no let me restart no no yeah no dude if you fucking restart one more time the school in the uh there was like a bus stop that was on like tony hawk three yeah we would play and I'd always put on Ace of Spades. Hell yeah, dude.

And I'd just be so high. My favorite line in that song is when he goes, and don't forget the Joker! He's just like, oh, that's another. And by the way, there's another card that's cool. What about the Jack of Hearts? I'm playing poker! I'm glad that's cool. What about the Jack of Hawks? I'm playing poker.

Hey, Lemmy. I'm glad he's dead. Whoa. I'm sorry. Is that too far? Lemmy's definitely. Dude, by the way, we are in some heavy train time. Yeah.

It's back. Every time you hear that train, a woman is coming off of the train to fuck us, guys. I love that there's always a train running when I'm trying to have a conversation and never when I need to ride the train. Should I do that? Is that a good bit? That's a good one, dude. That's a really good bit.

Yo, I'll be on there. I'll be trying to get on that train, yo, and then it ain't ever there when I need it. Have you ever noticed this? That's a good bit, too. You like that? I don't know if Dundalk Guy would make that observation. Yo, yo, yo, I ain't never been on a train. Too many different kinds of messicans on there, yo.

They got too many different types, yo. Too many flavors, yo. I know about Puerto Ricans, and I know about Mexicans, and that's it, yo. I ain't learning no Uruguayan motherfuckers, yo. It's always funny when they have, like, with dumb shitheads like that, always have, like, one or two really funny lines. Oh, yeah. Because then you're like, how dumb are you? Yeah. Well, that's Walt, basically. Remember Walt Ostrowski? Oh, yeah. Because then you're like, how dumb are you?

Yeah. Clearly. That's Walt, basically. Remember Walt Ostrowski? Oh, yeah. Walt. Oh, man. Yeah.

So we bring up like, I don't want to call him a shitty comic. Because for where he is and- Yeah, he's shockingly talented. He murders. He fucking murders. This Dundalk, just Walt Ostrowski, bro. Yeah. The guy looks like a fucking Twitter egg with a goatee.

If you put a goatee in the middle of the Twitter egg. And then you give him a Raven's hat and camo Raven's pants. The first time I met this guy, we did a show together in Federal Hill at some bar, one of those Color Me Funny shows. Oh, yeah. And I go into the bathroom. He used the bathroom before me, and I go into the bathroom after him, and he had taken a shit and not flushed. And it was just steakums floating in the toilet.

Yeah, I'm just going to do it like it's at my house. I'm going to do it house style, take a dump. But now, hold on. Not only did he not flush, no toilet paper next to the turd. So he just had shitted and then. He would drive? Yeah, yeah. But now, hold on. Not only did he not flush, no toilet paper next to the turd. So he just had shitted and then... He would drive? Yeah, yeah. That's a lot of problems.

I'm going commando. That's not what commando means, Walt. Yeah. I'm going to do it Rambo style. Oh, hell yeah, yeah. How did you not call this podcast the Baltimore Boys? The Baltimore Bad Boys? Because Comptown is the best podcast name.

Yeah, we wanted to have a lot of crossover appeal. Also, the theme wasn't going to be Walt Ostrowski every single fucking week. It should be, though. You guys should do a fucking homage to him every time. A deep dive. We do get pretty deep into shitty Baltimore comedy personalities. Yeah, we mentioned Tom Myers in the first one. We apprised a bunch of people of the great Tom Myers.

Oh, yeah, dude. If you don't know about Tommy Myers, we won't cover it now. Yeah, we already did that one. But he's one of the best, dude. Yeah, Tom might be the best shitty comedian oh yeah i put him up against any anybody shitty comedian was anybody in like denver i didn't start oh you started in arizona right yeah yeah yeah who yeah they're like there was this uh mexican dude that was from the south side that he'd just get up at the open mics and he'd go

he'll like people they always be like speeding murder he would murder and he wouldn't be saying anything i think his name is smiley or something of course his name is smiley white people are always just like fucking annihilating. Dude, it was annihilating. They always have names like Smiley, and they always have airbrushed t-shirts. Oh, yes. Smiley, Spider just got shot, isn't he? Dude, there was a spider where I grew up.

He was like that, but he was like a... So here's the weird thing about Denver. It's Mexico. Right, right. But only 200 years of whiteness. Right. So there's a lot of Mexican people there. And there's a surprising amount of black people in Aurora.

Oh, my door's opening. What do we got? Oh, hey, guys. But there's this kid, Pueblo, is like a huge Mexican city in Colorado. Pueblo, Colorado. Really? This kid, Jerry Garcia, moved to Aurora when we were in middle school. And he was like straight, stereotypical cholo.

Like blood in, blood out. Had the unibrow, hair slicked back, always wore wife beaters. Was oddly muscular in eighth grade. Like man body in eighth grade. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those kids had hit puberty at like four. They had a mustache. Yeah.

Like the little shimmy mustache. He was like super into like fingering girls. It was crazy. Yeah, what am I into yet? Fingering girls. No, but he'd be like, dude, I'm telling you, man, like Laura's pussy gets all wet and shit. I just had a big head and I was like, I want to see boobs.

I just want to see their boobies. Their lady parts scare me. Yeah, dude. These kids were just talking in gym class in eighth grade. And they were talking about fucking a girl. And I was just like, I was doing the cartoonish leaning over way too close. They were talking about sex. And they were like, hey, yo, he listening, yo.

He listening. He ain't never fucked, yo. And I was just humiliated in gym class i was like well no i'm not listening i'm not i've never and the girls laughing at me like yo you never fuck yo it's so it's funny when you see like uh uh a lot of black dudes are much more liberated sexually than white dudes like yeah i ran a train with that on that bitch and then guys are like i would never be in a room with another man. Yeah, but then they're also homophobic in different ways.

Yeah, that's what's weird. They're like, I don't eat pussy because the penis went in the pussy at one point. Like, dude, you were touching your boy as you banged him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your balls were clacking together like one of those fucking, what are those machines called? Those endless motion, perpetual motion machines. Wow, dude, that's such a smart reference. Balls clacking like those are pretty funny.

Oh, those things. Oh, the Newton? Newton machines. Yeah. Yeah, I remember in sixth grade, this girl, Mike Yell, Biggie just came out. Ready to Die just came out. And I was like 11, and I was trying to be cool. Yeah, yeah.

But I still wanted to go home and play with my X-Men action figures. Of course. Like I was like waiting to get home to be like, I'm going to set up a fort on the stairs. I'll probably turn the couch into Magneto's lair. Don't know if I'm really going to.

Did you actually like do that with the action figures and toys? Because I remember like toy commercials as a kid. The kids were always like setting up scenarios with the toys and I'm like, who actually does that? What? My does that my dumb ass i did it too hell yeah yeah i didn't even have that i didn't do action figures ever so you can't imagine i didn't have an imagination

well i think you did i just think you have the emotional reins of a lizard that's never your action was just murdering each other that was the whole thing thing. Or it was just a trial for a murder that happened. You didn't even get the joy of smashing your action figures into each other. You're just doing a high-ranked, high-pressure, OJ-like trial of Wolverine. All I'm saying is, if the blades do not come out of his hands, he clearly did not do it. He's just shredding the glove with his paws. There you go go bub but i was in sixth grade and mikey l was like i did that thing where and this is a life lesson i should have learned that day but it didn't stick until i was about 28 but i go oh yeah that new biggie

album it's awesome she goes is he a person or a group? Oh. Got me stuck. Oh, so you were just talking out of your ass. Because it was notorious B-I-G. And I was like, there's no indication of singular or plural. I was like. She said, is he a person, though? I know, I'm dumb. No, she goes, is that a group or a person?

That's what she said. Oh, she was checking it. Yeah, she checked it. She caught me. I go, it's a guy. She goes, okay. And I go, that's the right answer? She's like, you don't know Biggie.

I was like, no, I don't know Biggie. Can I please finger you? I just want to go play with my eggs, man. But then when Jerry Garcia moved into town, and he was fingering all those pussies. That's right. One day in eighth grade, my best friend byron was like hey jerry garcia where's the rest of the grateful dead wasn't even a good zing right yeah but you

just don't disrespect like a young cholo like that yeah dude he lit byron up with like six punches quick like that turns out he was fucking a golden gloves champ at a pueblo so he just fucking blasted him everyone was like dude the two toughest kids in my school that were Mexican were both Golden Gloves fighters. And they were like John Casados and Jerry Garcia. Geez. One time there was a straight mini race war where this black dude named Carlton who's in prison. Get Carlton out of prison. Free Carlton.

Free Carlton, everybody. Carlton out of prison. Free Carlton. Free Carlton, everybody. Jerry, or John Casato, it was John Casato's Carlton and this Asian dude named Solomon. And they all fucking fought. Everyone was like, this is crazy. It was a three-way fight?

Yeah. It was like all minorities. Yeah. Well, then the white teachers can't step in. They don't know what to do. They probably orchestrated it somehow. They didn't like me because that day i wore a a throat a fucking crown i just sat at the edge and i did the sideways thumb and then i gave him the thumbs down like yo man i feel like this white dude's controlling all this that's my evil intention race wars do you think uh different minority

groups would team up if there was a real race war? Yeah. Patrice has that bit. Does he? Yeah. Whoops. My bad. So you're a hack.

Yeah. So way to be a hack on your own. But no, I think it would. I'm deleting this one, too. We're getting Adam back. We're bringing Adam back. Bring Adam back. Yeah.

I think it would be. Yeah. I think it would be like Asians would go with white people. Mexicans would go. Mexicans would team up with the blacks right yeah i think mexicans and like indians oh no no no indians that'd be 50 50 you don't know which way they go because dude i'm in midtown i see a lot of like young indian kids and they're just like they act black like they drop they do it they act they act black in the way they drop the n-bomb they act

black in the way the white guys act black see See, we don't have wiggers anymore. Indians stole that from us. So they're like... They culturally appropriated our cultural appropriation. No, no, because the Indians, because all their families are like affluent. All their families are like doctors that make millions of fucking dollars. So they're rich kids. All the Indians are rich kids.

Pretty much, dude. The average income for an Indian family in America is like $100,000. Nice. That's the average. Yeah. Get it. But, yeah, no, they stole Wigger to them because there aren't any more. They don't have them.

Oh, there's a dude. I don't know, man. I think you got to go. No, that's just like a clothing style. Dude, I'll tell you this. Northern California, like Podunk, Northern California. Yeah. Like, oh, some good Colorado trash.

But, I mean, like a guy that's like, nah, I'm saying, nah, I mean, you know, like one of those. Those guys are still. Very few. No, but you're right, though. As a culturally, though, there's way more like Indian dudes doing that right now. And just Indian people in South Asian, I would say. There was a kid that I remember from middle school that would walk around with like a very affected pimp limb like that from class to

class. There was a terrifying white kid. People were like that's just how he is. That's his thing. I guarantee you he's not doing that now at whatever bank he works at. I don't even want to say this guy's full name because he was legitimately terrifying. Yeah. His name was Andy and he used to wear, I don't want to say his full name, he wore Afro sheen in his hair.

That's how big of a wigger he was. Yeah. Straight up. He'd be like, what's up, dog? But he was also a live wire. Yeah. That's why when Chappelle put out Killing Them Softly and he did that joke. Yeah, the joke about that.

Let me tell you about the most dangerous motherfucker in them groups. Immediately I thought of Andy. I was like, yeah, I know who that is and that he's fucking crazy. Yeah. Dude, Spider. We were talking about Spider. That's how it all got started. I was like, yeah, I know who that is. And he's fucking crazy. Yeah. Dude, Spider. We were talking about Spider. That's how it all got started. Yeah.

One night, me, my friend Mike and Byron are sitting on Mike's driveway. Right. And we're just hanging out. Suburbs. Upper middle class neighborhood. Middle class. Upper middle class neighborhood. Straight up suburbs.

And we're sitting there and this fucking Cadillac just comes rolling down and takes a hard corner. And Byron goes, I think that's Spider's Cadillac just comes rolling down and takes a hard corner. And Byron goes, I think that's Spider's Cadillac. And I was like, yeah, but where's Spider going? He was going up the street towards our friend Joel's house. All of a sudden, the Cadillac just fucking turns around, flips a bitch, and starts driving towards us. And we're like, well, this is kind of getting weird. Right.

Fucking across the street, over the street, up the driveway. We're like we just take off go around the side of the house to mike's house jump the fence get into his house and shut the sliding glass door and lock it and fucking spider and andy are just at the door fucking beating on it we're like oh wait why were you afraid of them because they were gonna kick the shit out of us for what what did you do i don't. They just started running at us. Dude, they just broke out at us. We were going to stand there and be like, let's figure out what's going on.

Right. These two dangerous dudes. And they just chased. Obviously, they were going to try to fuck us up. Holy shit. They chased us in the backyard. Dude, that was. It was so crazy because it was one of the things where I ran in the house being like,

we didn't have to do that. And I looked at them. They were there. There was this guy that was a wig looked at them And I was like They were there And I was like There was like this guy That was like a wig That I remember When I was a teenager A wig Yeah

Because that's You know You get to say that word So I want to fucking You really get it Yeah get your money's worth Out of it Yeah definitely

So no But he's One of the And he's like a dumb guy That said Had like a great line Yeah And it's still

One of the funniest things I've ever heard. We're like sitting around like a table and like these two girls were talking about like IQs or whatever. And one of them is like, well, my IQ is 120. So that's like really smart. And the other one is like, oh, really? Because mine is 121. They're like doing that back and forth. And this kid who's white bandana bandana white fitted cap you know like

big white t-shirt where they dress like black guys but then the clothes all have to be white like they have like a white air force ones so it makes them all look super pale yeah yeah yeah well they have to match their skin tone they just do like a fucking you know like uh where they take like uh sub-zero and make them scorpion yeah so they look like a black guy like they just change they do that where it's like the alternate outfit. Where you were like, oh, dude, check this out. This guy's got a white guy filter. Oh!

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so he's sitting there at the table. Light blue, too. They like a lot of light blues. Carolina blue, baby. He's Scar Heels. He's sitting there at the chair, like as completely slouched as possible. It's like pants basically pulled down to his ankles.

Like he's fucking, you know, just as relaxed as possible and they're talking about iqs and he goes man i ain't even gonna bring my q up because you wouldn't man y'all wouldn't even believe me if i told you and i was like what's your iq he goes he's like 472 what a dipshit dead serious what a dipshit 472 what a dipshit I was like hyperventilating

I think cause they delivered it in a way where it was like the funniest fucking thing did he was he trying to be funny or was he trying no he was dead serious oh yeah all those dudes he was dead serious

all those dudes thought they were so smart yeah no he was gonna I remember he was always like I work for BMW man I make six, I work for BMW, man. I make six figures. I work for BMW. And he was like a detailer at like a BMW dealership. That's so funny.

I totally forgot about those kids that would brag about adult stuff. Oh, yeah. There was this white girl who was a wigger. And she reached out to me on Facebook. Nice. Because she saw me. Yeah, she saw me on Showtime. And so she was like, oh, my God, you doing things.

And I was like, you're in your 30s. Yeah. You're still doing this? You're in your 30s. She was, like, hot. I'll show you a picture. She was hot. But she would just fuck with, like, thugs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, hardcore thugs. Right. And she, we were in math class, and it's so funny you bring that up with people just straight lying. She'd go, yeah, my dad owns Bally's. And I was like, what? Did the company go out of business? Yeah.

Yeah. But this was back when they were, like, kind of the hot thing. They kind of were the hot gym for their first time. She goes, yeah, my dad be owning Bally's. I was like, why do you live in Aurora? She was like, because my mom's from here. My dad wants me to, like, grow up like my mom. Just, like, dumb shit like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, always a lie, always a bullshit lie. Yeah, my friend told, like, a fucking great lie when we were, like, teenagers. He goes, I wasn't there for for it but he told our other friend he's like uh yeah when i'm like high and shit i can like understand german that's the language i can't speak it but when i'm high i can understand he's never taken german it's just the similarity between english and german you think about all those like shithead middle school high school lies that you would tell. Yeah. Do we reason my mom's old forerunner to take out trash cans? Hell yeah, dude.

I used to fucking I used to my first car was a fucking Chevy Blazer. And we would we would set up in the pizza hut. There was a pizza hut connected to like a fucking giant and a fucking just a shitty strip mall in in Dundalk actually we would just set up like shopping cart obstacle courses and I would just smash once you get through the actual thing of like oh no I shouldn't be doing this once you've committed just smashing shit with a car. Yeah. So we had my mom's 4-0. I didn't have a car.

I think my car died or something. So we're driving around and I was like, hey, we should take out. I thought it was funny. I was like, let's take out these trash cans. It was like boom. And then it just became the whole night's activity. Of course. We were just like running shit over.

But we were trying to push a port-o-potty over. We were trying to push it over and we drove by it. And We were trying to push it over. And we drove by it. And I tried to push it with my hand. But it fucking didn't. It just jammed my hand. And I go, oh, I broke my arm. I broke my arm. And my friend Joel is recording me on his camcorder.

It was back in the day at camcorders. He goes, I don't think you broke your arm. And then like five minutes later, he lost the videotape. We watch it as adults. Five minutes later, he's sitting there he goes hey soda has your broken arm i go shut up it was one of those lies i was like no guys i really did i broke my arm i'm not fucking around guys i definitely didn't dude yeah fucking middle school kids lies yeah the bet actually the car thing i kept doing that into well into my 20s. Really? Yeah, me and Jake Flores.

Jake used to have this piece of shit Ford Focus, and I had a shitty 96 Explorer. One time, Chris Cubis, another comic, he had to move, and so he asked me and Jake to help him move, and within 30 minutes of helping him move his stuff, like one of us just dropped something and it broke. And then we were like, oh, and then we just started trashing all of this stuff in his former apartment. We like took his bed frame and threw it through the wall. And like Chris didn't get it.

We were just drunk. It was like noon. We were trashed. It was Wednesday. And we're doing like a bit. We're like, like, this would be a funny sketch. It's called like quality movers. They just destroy everything.

But there's no camera. So it's not a sketch. We're just trashy. It was destroyed. And so he had this old computer monitor. And we're like, I'm taking the thing over my head and throwing it at the wall and shit and smashing holes in the wall and we're throwing it all over the the parking lot trying to smash this computer monitor but uh so crts those like cathode ray tubes yeah the screen is like an inch and a half of glass yeah those old

computer monitors are thick as fuck they're hard as shit to break but inside because the way those things work is it's this like gun that shoots electrons at the screen real fast and that's what makes it light up and you know it's like precise but so it's got to be a vacuum on the inside so when you finally break that screen it fucking implodes and it's like a really cool thing to see so you know and i know that so i was like we gotta i had been in that previous situation yeah yeah so i'm like i'm like guys we gotta destroy this thing and we're trying all these ways to get it to smash and we can't do it so eventually we took like just the cord to it and tied it to the back of jake's car and then i was like riding it and he was just driving it through the fucking parking lot and i fell off and he's like going around corners and smashing into like fire hydrants and shit. But yeah, no, we were like.

What finally did it? I think that did it. It like hit a curb and it popped and shit. And it was kind of underwhelming. Chris had another TV. Chris had like a 36 inch CRT. Yeah. That we brought.

We moved into our new, the one, the apartment me and Chris moved into. Yeah. With the intention of we're going to fucking destroy this thing. Yeah. And there was one night I was drunk and i was like either i'm buying ps4 or a shotgun from cabela's so i can shoot this fucking tv and i ended up buying the playstation which is still a waste of money but uh i don't know i think the shotgun you would have done that i would have killed myself yeah i would have done the tv and then the next thing would have been like or you would

have hit someone with a buckshot yeah and been like i don't know now you have to do a comedy benefit once a year for your friends in a wheelchair because you decided to fucking to play fucking sarah connor trying to do a one-armed cock of a shotgun which is the one that you spin oh no wait that's a repeater yeah you don't want to repeat it you'll fucking blow your goddamn foot off best case scenario yeah um no we had fun that was yeah the those stories of the fucking i the alcoholism days are pretty hilarious yeah austin no i want to start drinking again just like this kind of decisions man i got pulled over one time i had to like fly back uh to see my family for christmas it was the day before christmas eve and i went out to a bar with like

joe stats and i had like nine beers and i got me and jake had fought the night prior to that so i had like a giant black eye and i had nine beers and then i took a beer somehow they just let me take a beer with me from the bar, which is not, I don't know. So I'm driving and Joe's trash too. And I'm like, I have like a tall boy on my lap.

And then I, I passed by this cop and I'm like, immediately I'm like, fuck, shit, fuck your cop. Fuck. And then the cops following me,

I'm like, shit. And then I like, there's a red light and I pull halfway into it. Like while the light's still red and I'm just like fucking up. I'm like up like god damn it and then joe's like just take a left here take a left here and he's like you know in my ear and uh light turns green i turn left i've turned left onto like a divided highway so i'm like going the wrong way down and dividing and joe's like just jump the curb just jump just jump the curb and i'm like i no, man. I'm like, I'm fucked.

So I'm like, I'm going to jail. And I fucking just pull off in the first side street. I put my hazards on. And I'm like, I can't believe this, dude. Wait, the cop lit you? I pulled over first. Before he could light me because I had fucked up. So I put my emergencies on.

I just pulled over. And I was waiting for him. And then I threw the hazards on. I'm like, I'm going to jail. I'm fucking going to jail. But then the cop pulled up behind me and threw the hazards on and then like somehow he comes to the window i'm like i can't believe this shit and i roll down the window and the cop's like hey how you doing tonight i'm like yeah i'm real sorry about that and then like me and joe were just we did it first of all a lot of it is just white privilege but yeah like uh you know immediately i

was like yeah i'm fuck i'm sorry about that um you know i'm driving him home he's giving directions and he's fucking trashed you know or whatever and uh joe's like screaming already you know he's like just hamming up how drunk he is or whatever and i had given the beer in my lap to joe beforehand he just poured it on himself and crammed it under the seat so the cop's like okay so you know why you're pulled i'm like yeah obviously he's driving the wrong way down the thing he's like okay uh he's like have you been drinking tonight and i was like i had like two beers you know um i was like i had one with like dinner and then another one you know just right before we left the bar you know but i'm like drunk or anything he's like okay well can you get out of the car just so I can make sure all that smell is coming from him?

I was like, yeah, sure. And it's still in my head. I'm like, I'm going to jail. Yeah. Yeah. And so the cop brings me around behind the car and he's like, just hang tight for a second. And then he like talks. Just beats the shit out of you.

Yeah. I'm going to whoop your drunkard friend. Ah! Yeah. So they talk to Joe and they come back over to me, and the cop looked just like David Bowie. Oh, weird. He looked like a buck, like a jack, David Bowie. Yeah, yeah.

Like a cop, David Bowie. He's like Major Tom the Grand. We've got a couple of black guys wandering around the back of the bank. Young Americans. They were black, and they were driving. Yeah, and they were driving. And they deserved it. Yeah, so this cop looked just like David Bowie

and my drunk part of my mind is like tell him he looks like David Bowie. He'll think that's like cool. You'll ingratiate yourself to the cop. He's going to be like, oh, for real, man? I love the star child. Luckily, I didn't. You know, he was like, okay, like, for real, man? Oh, yo, I love the star child. Luckily, I didn't.

You know, he was like, okay, like, you know, I do smell alcohol. And he's like, you only had two drinks. And he's like, are you telling the truth? And I was like, yeah, it was two. It was like one with dinner and then one just now. He's like, okay. He's like, I do smell a little alcohol in your breath. I don't think you're lying to me.

You know, if you'd said you hadn't been drinking, then we'd have a fucking issue. But, you know, he's like, I'm going to let gonna let it slide so he's like um what you want to do and he like brings me back to my car and he's like you just go around here you know uh take a right and then you know make sure you get on the right side of the road you know coming around i'm like all right thanks you know and then he um i'm like just sitting there with joe i'm like holy fucking shit i can't believe that worked and as i saying that the cop was, he was back at the window. He's like, yeah, you forgot your ID. You know?

And I was like, thanks, man. You know? Peace. And I really have no idea how I got out of that one. Holy fuck. Yeah. I was, when I was 16 or 17, we did mushrooms. Me and my buddy did mushrooms and we ran out of cigarettes.

We just ate the mushrooms. We were like We're gonna need cigarettes Cause when you trip When I used to trip in high school I used to love to smoke Like two packs You must have been cool as hell

Oh dude I was so much pussy Actually I wasn't I had sex once in high school And that was it But uh Nice dude Drive fucked a lot

So Yeah I came in my pants a lot We figured it out That's what first base is It's a walk If you come in your pants Oh yeah I we figured out that's what first base is it's a walk if you come in your pants oh yeah it's a walk yeah i walked a lot um i didn't fuck at all but we uh so we ate um we both ate an eighth of mushrooms but i ate mine first like probably 30 minutes before he did and i ate it and then he came over and ate his and i was like yo we gotta get cigarettes and he's like all right but his mom dropped him off

he's like i don't have a car i was like drive my car drive my car we'll go get we'll go get cigarettes he's like all right so we're taking like this back way yeah something something and i'm like i'll take it right here and he a red light, like barely runs a red light. Fucking cop right behind us. We're like, fuck, pull us over. That's how I knew the mushrooms started working because the red and blue lights on the inside of my car. And this is like dusk. So it's just starting to get dark. And it's like they were like hitting each other.

And I was like, oh, man. Oh, man. And he's like freaking out. My buddy Mike's like, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. I'm like, just wait. So it's a lady police officer comes to the door. I'm like, miss, officer, I'm so sorry.

This is my car. I'm planning on drinking tonight. And so I wanted my friend to drive it just so I can make sure when I was sober that he could, and I'm just like mushroom talking yeah she's like okay can i see both of your licenses and i was like yeah yeah we both give her our license and she's like okay and then goes back and we're melting down my heart i can't go to jail i'm fucking mushrooms i'm gonna fucking die in there i can't do it he's dude, it'll be all right, man.

I don't know. Like, I'm going to, they're going to take my license. Like, she better not look at my pupils. We're waiting for like five minutes. It's starting to get fucking pretty, like, are they, what are they doing? Are they calling for backup? Right, right. You just don't know.

Because you're selling mushrooms. And she comes back and she just hands us both of our licenses. And she goes, you boys are having the luckiest day of your life. There a shooting that we need to report to so you guys are good to go get out of here like he drove away i was like i'm so glad that four-year-old got shot apparently there was something at the batman movie Aurora baby A-town Yeah that's what it's known for It's James Holmes

Yeah James Holmes By the way Not even from Aurora It's from San Diego Why was he there? Just for the shooting? No He heard it was a really nice

Shooting theater He's like I heard the acoustics is awesome The bounce off Saw it off Really I want to do my live album. Aurora.

You ever see those cedar chains that are, it's like, I think they're called Tinseltown. Yeah, that's always great. They have them in Texas. These like ridiculous movie theaters with this fucking, you know. I like to think of it like shooters do shootings like they're doing an album. It's like, where are you going to do your mass shootings? It's like, ah, I was thinking about Santa Barbara. But I feel like that's hack. I want to do colorado like a lot of good

shootings there yeah yeah i know it's like columbine's the classic how am i gonna do columbine i don't know what it's not about doing it's about doing your own thing with it it's like playing with it you know maybe dress up like the Joker yeah I could not stop laughing at that well the Joker thing that you know the shooting happened and it's like yeah he he thought he was the Joker that's also that shows you he's he so he was a med student at the University of Colorado and University of Colorado built two hospitals in Aurora to get of, like, build up Aurora. Because Aurora's, like, it's a dilapidated suburb.

A little meth-y, you would say? Not really. It's just kind of, it's like, you know, middle class. It's the evaporating middle class. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. The lower middle. It's like, have you ever seen the movie Suburbia with Flea? No.

It's this, like, early 80s, like. It's in the same vein as River's Edge. Have you ever seen River's Edge? Yeah. But yeah, it's got flea in it when he's 16. Okay. He's like punks in suburbia. Yeah, that's basically what it's like. But it's all worn down.

All the houses are vacant and shit. Yeah, they're not like, yeah, close to vacant. Which is not what it used to be type of thing. You could tell it was super nice in the 70s. Right, right, right, right, right. All the architecture, you're like, this was super nice in the 70s. Right, right, right, right, right. All the architecture, you're like, this was really nice in the 70s. That's weird about like, we all live in New York, like big cities. You watch, like I've watched all these old buildings come down and new buildings go up.

And they try to update it. But suburbia motherfuckers just keep, especially in Colorado, just keep moving where there's untouched land. Like, oh, we'll just build. So you can actually see the decades. Right, right, right. Especially in Aurora, where you're like, oh, we'll just build. So you can actually see the decades. Right, right, right. Especially in Aurora, where you're like, oh, this was big in the 80s. This was nice in the 90s.

This was nice in the early 2000s. And now it's like, you know, the McMansions. Oh, yeah. It's like starting to move out. So the University of Colorado brought in hospitals to like stimulate the economy of Aurora. And James Holmes was like a medical student there and I think he was either schizophrenic or

bipolar but he was off his meds he actually he's an agent of chaos what if he was the Joker the entire time this guy they should get him for the new movie I mean let him out of jail because let's be, he was the best Joker.

Heath Ledger was good, but James Holmes was the best. I'm still sticking with Nicholson. Nicholson's like, I want to go meet the guy. I want to see how he did his role. If a guy shot up the movie theater acting like Jack Nicholson. Remember when he was Jack Nicholson? God damn it, Chief I'm gonna kill all of them

Why don't we broaden our horizons? Lawrence? Are you playing bat dance? Carol the waitress meets Simon the fag He's playing bat dance while he's shooting Then he's got his own boombox Lawrence? That's all they hear before he starts getting shot Party man! got his own boom box yeah there was like that was that was super fucked up so i gotta make i

gotta make good to bring aurora back into the spotlight yeah dude and you're doing it you're killing it right now you just had the special drop. Album drop. Special drop. And you're on the award-winning Paul Giamatti show. It hasn't won any awards. I hope it does. I just thought that was just a thing you say about things. You don't realize those are based on actual things?

It's won some kind of independent spirit award or something. Yeah, you've got to have. That'd be cool. Paul Giamatti is an award in and of itself. Yeah, he's like of those things. Some kind of independent spirit award or something. Yeah, you got to have. That'd be cool. Paul Giamatti is an award in and of itself. Yeah. He's like a little trophy. I've won the Paul Giamatti, which is a handshake from Paul Giamatti. Good to see you, Dan.

That's my Giamatti. I don't like it. Dan, how's it going? He's just an asthmatic nerd. I'll tell you. I am always about to have a heart attack. Yeah, it's almost a Richard Nixon meets Paul Giamatti. Yeah, yeah.

I'll tell you why I like him so much. Yeah. Besides him being a super nice guy, at the premiere, Judah Freelander was there, and Paul was saying hello to everybody. Then he saw Judah and lit up. He was like, Judah! And I was like, anybody that likes Judah Freelander that much, I'm way on board with. That's great. Any famous person.

He's a litmus test. Alec Baldwin and Paul Giamatti. Oh, yeah. Alec Baldwin is a guy. Do you know Phil Burke? The kid that does mics and shows around New York. But he did some bar show on the Lower East Side, and Alec Baldwin was there. And he's like, I want to make you famous.

He said that? Yeah. And he gave him his agent's info, and Phil was beaming. He came to Cabin afterwards. He's like, yeah, I can't believe it. And he's still just doing mics. He's just never heard from Alec Baldwin. Two years later, nothing happened. I did a movie with Alec Baldwin, and I got a picture.

Nice. That's all I wanted. Yeah. That's great. I don't do pictures ever. You never ask for pictures? Well, because they're celebrities. They make me look like shit.

Why would I want a really shitty picture of me? You know why I wanted a picture with him? Because he was so nice. I was going through a breakup, and he just sat there and talked to me about it. Really? Dude, we- Get out of here. We ate a plate of french fries and gossiped about girls.

Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Wow. How have you not told this story before? I can't believe it. It was awesome. He sat there, and he's like, she wasn't for you. He would fuck out of here. Wow. How have you not told this story before? I can't believe it. It was awesome. He like sat there. He's like, she wasn't for you.

He would say stuff like that. Where he goes, I'm telling you, someone got near here. Dude, how much more does advice from Alec Baldwin land than from like even your best friends? Your best friends could tell you something. My dead father could come back and it wouldn't be as much as Alec Baldwin. By the way, talking about it, here's the weird thing. He was talking.

He was like, you know, I went through a, he's like, I went through a tough divorce in 2000. I want to be like, yeah, Kim Basinger. Yeah, we all know about it. Everybody knows about it. You called your daughter a rude pig also. Rude boy. You called your daughter a rude boy. Yeah, be real.

Yeah, boy. But it was so crazy that he was just like, here's what I'm going to tell you. Don't get married before 35. He told me all this awesome stuff, and I was like, yes, Alec Baldwin. Thank you, Alec. Well, I feel like that applies if you're Alec Baldwin. Because Alec Baldwin at 35 was right around when he started swelling. You know?

Like he became like a very. Oh, you're saying when he was like super handsome. Oh, yeah. He used to be a beautiful man, then something happened he's still a good looking older man he's killing it for he's good looking buddy yeah he has that thing where like some guys just start to expand they never get fat they just take up more space yeah it looks like they're taking on water yeah well yeah but the way the way a corpse does it's's like Alec Baldwin was on some boat that disappeared, and then he washed up on the shore six months later.

Are you a gypsy curse? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you almost enslaved by pirates, by Hong Kong pirates? Oh, no. Hong Kong pirates. We are not African pirates. We are Hong Kong pirates. Listen to me.

Listen, I am not African Pirate I'm Hong Kong Pirate I live with those people I live with All Hong Kong pirates Is that what you call Chinese people Yeah Hong Kong pirates What a great name

I'll be my Hong Kong pirate The grandmother doesn't speak any English at all Does she like you? I could call her Hong Kong Pirate I don't know That's also a great band name Hong Kong Pirates. Yeah. The grandmother doesn't speak any English at all. Does she like you? I could call her Hong Kong Pirates. I don't know. That's also a great band name. Yeah. Hong Kong Pirates. Yeah.

And then I have to open every show with... One, two, three, four. They got a hype man that just plays the gong. I think I'm too. The beginning of the show. That's so woke. Yeah, I can't tell if she likes me or not. I love being woke.

Nothing on this podcast is woke. We don't do any kind of woke. We're the anti-woke podcast. You should call it the asleep podcast. Yeah, my girlfriend. The sleepy boys. The sleepy boys. We ain't woke.

We ain't never going to be woke, bitch. Yeah, we're sleepy boys. I'm on Xanax. I'm using slurs. I'm using slurs. I'm on Xanax. I'm using slurs. I'm using slurs. I'm on it. That guy's a boy on Ambien. You're telling stories about white privilege getting me out of conflict with the police,

but I'm acting like it's intelligence. You know what I hate is wiggers. I can't explain why, but there's something about them that pisses me off, man. Why would you? They're just traitors. I see them as traitors. I see them as traitors. Yeah, they're traitors. Sleepy boys.

Sleepy boys. Yeah, no, I can't tell if the Chinese people I live with like me or not because the language is so harsh that like, I love you in Chinese

is like, He say he rip your face off Oh but it was so tender Oh no He say he not like you at all He find you to be disrespectful Yeah no one outworks immigrants Like you live with an immigrant

If you live near immigrants You're like that guy works oh yeah like i remember this dishwasher i worked with yeah the restaurant uh he was from ghana his name was lasa and he wouldn't sleep yeah he was this african dude and he would like always brag that he never slept i'd be like lasana where do you sleep he'd be like i do i go to a park i lay down for 10 minutes on the bench i go to my next job and then I come here. I was like, oh my god, I got sex and I am beat.

For energy, I crush spider in a bowl and drink blood. I don't know if you know this, but I take the vapor from the dish machine and it gives me power. I'm like a locomotive. I am steaming junk.

I burn it. He only gets tired when he can't find albinos to eat. I consume the whitest people. In order for me to be the king. I am the king. Yeah, no, it's because immigrants don't know about happiness yet. It's always there. I'm the shitty kid.

I don't think it's happiness as much as immigrants don't think they're worth – or they don't feel entitled to being uncomfortable. They don't feel entitled, and it's also like if they're a straight-up immigrant, less of the culture is really for them or accessible. Like what is the old Chinese grandmother I live with going to do this weekend? Go see the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie? She's going to go see Lady Ghostbusters? That's not going to happen. I don't think it's called Lady Ghostbusters. It's called Lady Ghostbusters.

It's not a fucking college team. It's called Miss Ghostbusters. Miss Ghostbusters. Sorry I got Ghostbusters pronouns wrong. It's okay. Don't worry, it's the Sleepy Boys. You don't have to be woke. But also it's that thing of like,

I think even children of immigrants and an American thing is you think you have the right to not be uncomfortable. So when you're uncomfortable, you're like, I'm uncomfortable. And you take that as like pain. Where like immigrants work like 100 hours and their hands are bleeding from their being dry. And they what's that pain that's uncomfortable right yeah it's funny because

i mean i live in a tenement with these this chinese family yeah and it's close quarters and the hot water's off all the time and they have no recourse they can't i mean i've complained to 3-1-1 it does nothing and they just have to live like that they do all their laundry in the fucking shower and they live off pennies and uh so when you plan on moving out well that's the thing is like i'll tell people about it and like even ari was like yeah human beings aren't supposed to live like that and it's like but referring to me i'm like no plenty do plenty right plenty of them do and they're fine with how i like how do you do how do you do that it's like well i mean the chinese do it like yeah but you know they're different somehow they're not people and you know it's funny i love uh but because it's on the lower east side is there's all

these like you know people like tourists will come and we'll go to the tenement museum and go on walking towards the lower east side and they'll be like walking past chinese families that live in the lower east side and they're like yeah can you believe how hard um immigrants used to struggle in this neighborhood but i mean like like the good kind of immigrants. Not the kind that had the soupy language that we don't understand. Like, you know, the suspender mustache guys, the organ grinders, the kind of immigrants who like to romanticize. Remember the guys who used to wear paperboy hats? Yeah.

Not the ones that spend all their time squatting and smoking illegal cigarettes. It's contaminated with fucking Chernobyl radiation. Russian old Moscow cigarettes. Not those kind of immigrants. Boiling chicken hearts. Yeah. cigarettes it's contaminated with fucking chernobyl radiation russian old moscow yeah not those kind of boiling chicken hearts yeah no but they do it and i mean i i actually like have a lot of respect for them um yeah yeah and they've been like super cool they they kind of almost like my heart melted when the fbi came to my apartment looking for me and i wasn't there and the fucking dad was like even if they come back we tell them we don't know you it's like are you my new dad yeah he had no he had no clothes on

when he said that too he was wearing his boxers eating fish eyes off a plate with chopsticks and he's like yeah we tell him we don't know you it's okay it don't matter I tell him fuck off yeah don't leave Parisis we call transporter send you to hong kong we get transporter to bring you back to hong kong i've been hired by your chinese family is your name nicholas mullet well here's the deal i've got about 15 minutes to put you in the back of this bmw before the triads and the FBI come looking for both of us. So get in right now. Hi, I'm the transporter.

We call transporter. Yeah, transporter. Transporter. I see him right there. The casual conversation. How you doing, Ling? Yeah, I'll come pick up your boy. Where are we going?

Oh, HK. Nice. Hope you don't run into Hong Kong pirates. That's a trailer for the movie Callback with Jason Statham. It's a tall callback. Something I didn't get from SNL. How does Jason Statham not have a podcast? That would be the number one celebrity podcast.

That would immediately be... Jason Statham puts together IKEA furniture. It's a frustrating podcast. You're listening to What the Fuck with Jason Statham. I listen. I just go through the newspaper and go, what the fuck is that? Hey, look.

Donald Trump ahead again. What the fuck is that? Speaking of Donald Trump and British guys, I saw Jeff Leach at Stand Up New York the other night. And he was doing a bit and his rings fell off. Did he disappear? No, no, no. It was so funny though. He just waved his hand and all of the rings came off and then went into the audience.

What's your policy on accessories for comedians? Harsh anti. Yeah, it counts as a prop. Yeah. If you have a leather band on your wrist, I'm going to gun for you to chop your arm off. You should have machetes. Shreyaa-law. Yeah.

My friend Ruby was telling this story one time. She was like, yeah, when I started comedy, I would always have to have my sunglasses on my head because I wanted to be like, that's the girl with the sunglasses on her head comic. And I was like, that doesn't make any sense. That's not how that works. You're not a smurf.

Yeah. You're a fucking comedian. Yeah, it. You're not a smurf. Yeah. You're a fucking comedian. Yeah, you're not a tertiary smurf. Yeah, you're a fucking. Sunglass smurf. That's how they notice me. I'm a sunglass smurf. Yo, fuck boys.

I got to get going. All right. Yeah, no, normally we do like a break, but that was like, that's enough time. I think, yeah. Yeah, you got to go do. Fill the quota? Yeah, fill the quota yeah i'm gonna go do a show i forgot about that one went well i think that was a good one we came up with jason statham's podcast that's hilarious that i feel like that was good i don't think we let any of the listeners down uh we also created a better name for come town the sleepy boys sleepy boys That would be, yeah, the Elmo crew.

I'm telling you, you could change it now. You're still in the game. No, I'm not changing it. Do you know how much time I spent on that logo? It looks exactly like Cum. If you zoom in on it, dude, there's a cloudiness to it. I like the design. There's like four different layers.

Not only is it like embossed, but in different areas it's lumpier. This is how Dan, you know, Dan's a good friend. He's trying to gently push us to change it. He's not going to say straight up, change it. It's stupid to have a podcast with the word cum in it. He's like, oh, we got a better one. I think it's smart. I think it's a smart thing to do.

Look how mad Nick is. Yeah, but I think you're not going to get people that want to hear this. You don't want to hear people talking about cum or fucking. We're number 25 on the comedy charts two episodes so i'm not even on the charts my album is out though go to itunes yeah yeah no let's plug all the dan stuff because dan's great uh one of the best comics working absolutely yeah no dan soda on twitter and instagram and go buy my album not special on itunes yeah and check out the new special on Comedy Central. Thanks.

Yeah, I think it's on like when this comes out you'll be able to download it on iTunes or the Comedy Central app. Yeah, I mean I've been like a huge fan of yours since we did that South By

years ago. Thanks, man. That's when I met the girl in my dreams who has a boyfriend and I think she's married. The other one with the nice juice

that I run into. And that's how we end on a come note. But yeah, thanks for coming, dude. Thanks for doing it. Thanks, coming dude so much better than Adam alright goodbye folks thanks cum boys Thank you. electric guitar solo Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Well, what do you think? Can we get the kids to come in? Yay! Thank you.