The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 30 – Copycats

Episode Date: December 7, 2016

We covered a lot on this one. Lindy West. The new Apple products. Lindy again. I got a macbook. I really hate lindy. What the fuck is the Apple Watch anyways? It should be like one of those novelty clocks where every number just says “im gay”

Where can I get help hiring people with disabilities? There are hundreds of thousands of Canadians with disabilities who are ready to work, and many local organizations are available to help you find qualified candidates and make your workplace more accessible and inclusive. Visit Canada.ca slash right here to connect with one near you today. A message from the Government of Canada. Okay, we're starting now. And uh stop said he had something prepared i have a really good song for us all right let's hear it go for it my boyfriend's black and i'm gonna say the n word

when he gets home i'll say that word pretty good right that's good i thought it was gonna be like a gay thing or sucking your dad's dick but uh I guess, yeah, we'll just jump right into it and start with M-word stuff. Cool. We're branching out, yeah. You know, I worry that the show gets repetitive and stuff. But then I look at stuff that's like some of the most successful shows in television, like Barney and Friends or Teletubbies or Sesame Street. And they're all pretty repetitive.

In the same format, it opens up. There's a puppet. The puppet is like, you know, this is what a square looks like. This is what a triangle looks like. So I'm not really too worried. Nah, we're fine, dude. Having any kind of depth or

I don't know the fucking word for it. I never actually finished Sesame Street. There's a lot of words I don't know. Seinfeld is like the Barney of sitcoms, right? It's a show about nothing, you know? Why is it... Hold on. You know, I was trying to do this new thing

where maybe I have a list of things that happened in the last couple days. That way, you know... That's some gay shit. Now this thing's making noise why you don't fucking keep the conversation going you'll just do it will you'll draw a blank and then be like who's fucked yeah that's my that's my role here yeah the guy checking in on who's fucked adam have you thanks you know what thanks for reminding me nick adam have you fucked recently yeah i don't want

to talk about it no you have to i don't want you have to talk about it i don't want to what happened all right i met this girl um her name was stav's mom what the fuck and her dick was bigger than oh nice oh yeah yeah my mom does have a nice fat hoggeroo yeah and uh you know we had some uh some pretty quick sex for me. It was about three and a half. Because you came fast? Three and a half to four hours. But my mom pounded your ass for how long?

Do you do a bit? Adam, do you already have a bit? This seems like a thing you would do where, like, the girl comes immediately and you're like, gross. No, but I used to do a bit. It never worked on stage. But it's like What if you were like Eating a girl's pussy

And then you look up at her And you're like I'm about to bust She's not touching her dick at all You're about to come straight for me Oh I'm gonna fucking cum Say what? Yeah

And that got a lot of silence at open mics for a couple months. I thought it was funny. I got booed off the stage at an open mic this week. Oh, yeah? I don't blame you. Right, right, right. First of all, I haven't done an open mic in like a year and a half probably because, frankly, I don't need to.

You know? I'm better than that. Yeah, well. But professional podcaster. I wanted something to go do at night, so I was like, all right, I'm going to start doing mics again. And it's like, you know that scene in The Wire where like Marlo?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like he wants to take the corner back over, even though he has all the money, but he's like wearing that suit and he goes in and he stabs that guy. Right, right, right. He's the cornerback. So that's kind of how I feel going and doing mics. Instead of stabbing somebody, it's just offending an entire room of new Brooklyn. No, so I go up, and everyone's bombing.

Everyone's doing terrible. It's over the eight, and that happens. It's Brooklyn people, so they were like, I'm the weird one, right? No, it's just people doing shitty open mic comedy. I'm sure some of them are probably great at comedy, but it's shitty open mic comedy. I'm sure some of them are probably great at comedy, but it's shitty of my comedy. And unless people are like, fakely being into the fucking open mic, it's going to be shitty.

Of course. They're always almost always shitty. Yeah. So I went up and I went up maybe like seventh and, uh, I was like, uh, wow. Hot Mike, huh? And I was like, you know, I'm trying to get back into doing open mics. And this is like the first shitty one I've done. people are like oh boo what a dick no i mean it's going shitty and you know why that's not how you get better at comedy to fucking just say jokes to

silence yeah but in an open mic you know what i mean you're in a no i don't know what you mean no that's not how you fucking use an open mic you should try to you try in every situation to figure out how to do well in the room and not just say your joke might as well fucking stay home you're doing absolutely nothing for yourself yeah by going on stage and telling a fucking poorly written joke to silence stand-ups like performance and half of it is done on stage if you're somebody that's just strictly writing unless you're doing fucking one-liners it's a waste of fucking time right you're not developing any no you're wrong if you're using a new if you're trying a new joke it that there's a point to go in an open mic just say it out loud see how it goes

everyone's bombing right unless you break that unless you change the energy in the room no matter how fucking funny your joke is it's going to tank no matter what that is a way to sometimes get the energy back absolutely yeah it would normally work but i guess they're all fucking uh just they're they would rather just delude themselves and they're pure mike was going well yeah yeah so they they were like boo you know and i was like yeah i was like all right well i guess now there's energy in the room yeah so you won dude you got the you got the sounds like that word i'm listening no and then i was like all right well you know i just got on stage because i wasn't gonna do that set and then uh oh you just went off i was like fuck that i'm not gonna fucking you got you self apollo'd

yourself you self sandman yourself well what's Again, like, I've been doing comedy long enough to know that you're not getting anything out of fucking going on stage and just saying a joke. Right. That does nothing for you. It would have been fun to just keep getting into the booty for two straight minutes. What is the functional difference between going on stage and saying a joke to silence

in a room filled with other shitty comedians than just saying to them, what do you think about this? It's actually better as a comic to just say to another comic, what do you think about this fucking joke if people are going to sit there in silence? I don't know. But by saying that, you're saying it's guaranteed to be the silence.

If the joke's really good, who knows, man? Maybe there's like a fucking chuckle or some shit. I know. I know enough about comedy to know that it's guaranteed to be the silence. If the joke's really good, who knows, man? Maybe there's like a fucking chuckle or some shit. I know. I know enough about comedy to know that it's not going to go anywhere. The other thing is like the sort of the economy of laughing for your friends at mics, which is like you can't really gauge if a joke is good or not. I don't mind that. That is supportive because that at least like sort of simulates what should be happening

if the joke's going well. No, you laugh at your friends and then you look at your phone for yeah you're not friends with you know yeah if they're very funny you ice out people well if they're funny if the joke's good enough you'll pay attention that's how i feel about that's not true i guarantee you you can take look and then this is retarded idea this is retarded idea that like comedy isn't based on audience participation that you can take the best comic in the world and put them up in a shitty room and they'll crush no matter what and that's absolutely not true you can take any fucking comic and if you go up before them and say to the audience like don't laugh at his jokes no matter what they're totally capable of doing

that yeah no one no one has control of it's not fucking you know hypnotism it's not magic tricks they the audience absolutely has to be participating dude when i crush dude i just i go up there and i just fucking level the fucking place no matter what dude you put me in a fucking laundry man you put me in a fucking long john silvers dude i'm gonna eat a couple shrimps and i'm gonna fucking crush that fucking room dude that's the school of comedy i come from all right well good luck with that no i mean i know what you're saying but it's like open mics are fucking gay shit dude they're terrible horrible they suck yeah they suck i did have like an attitude like an ego about me which i needed to get rid of when i moved

here because we were in dc like we're doing the shows were good we're doing the big hunt like a mic on a wednesday night and were like a hundred Audience members there Right right right You know so I definitely had to get Like shed that When I moved here Yeah

You had to learn I mean but also Yeah that's the thing Doing well at a shitty open mic Is different than doing well At a good show Right but it does It does help train you

To like understand How to work a room Yeah how to work with audiences True Because it's something You should work on You should be trying to kill No matter what

And there is another Class of comics in New York That crush at mics and that bomb at shows. They suck dick at shows. You know, and I don't even think they're necessarily not that funny, but I do think that potentially the mics aren't helping. Yeah, they aren't helping them necessarily work with audiences, you know, so that's my two cents folks yeah well i'm glad that you had to argue with me instead of just listening to the fucking story this is a good story no you you had to side with those shitheads is there more no it was it was a good story well it's great to be back guys yeah i guess adam's back now because we got the5,500. It's almost like I perfectly predicted

by this time this week based on all the financial software I used to figure out the SMA on Adam's departure. Nick has a whole team at Goldman Sachs. They can predict certain benchmarks. You know what's funny

about this podcast? I pretend to be a dumb guy and stuff and nobody has like any idea that i'm like the extremely successful day trader oh yeah yeah you are yeah that i'm i'm worth billions when the brexit happened nick made three million dollars in 20 minutes yeah from computers well no here's i actually it had nothing to do with with brexit really is I saw the word Brexit, and I didn't know what it was. I didn't know what it meant. And I thought, how many guys like me are there out there that don't know what Brexit means?

And so I bet against the knowledge of Brexit. Yep. You shorted it. By investing in Trump hats. And I made $38 million. Damn. Dude, I went on Sunday to watch My friend's a Buffalo Bills fan And I'm a

Oakland Raiders fan So I went to his friend's Apartment In the West Village Like right next to West 4th Like subway Fucking

Maybe 3 million dollar apartment Two stories Roof deck Who is this person Insane His friend from high school The guy you fuck Adam's boyfriend

Anyway So you sucked him off And then you watched football? Yeah, but like, that dude, he was like- Adam calls him sir. He doesn't know his name. Guys, we were watching football. It was straight.

And there was- Were you wearing a collar? Did he have the leash in his hands? I was wearing a jockstrap, obviously. He was wearing white gloves. I was wearing a sporty- Delivering Adam's asshole to his dick. Anyway, dude had a-

Is it one of those things where he watches you fuck other men? He gives other men permission to fuck you against your will, and that's your relationship? Well, I don't want to be in an argument the whole time. I just want things to be smooth. With me and daddy. His friends fuck you. Yeah. Okay.

Anyway. I found this. He had a Pulp Fiction poster in his $3 million apartment. I was just like, Jesus fucking Christ, give me the money. So he likes art. I'd be tasteful. Well, my favorite is from the 80s, like luxury apartments from the 80s that have the giant telescope. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's the best. Why did every rich person have a telescope in the 80s? Yeah. They all love the starburst. They're all pervs. Yeah. I wanted a telescope when I was a little kid, probably from seeing that shit in every movie. Yeah. They all love the stars. They're all pervs. Yeah. I wanted a telescope when I was a little kid

probably from seeing that shit in every movie. Yeah. Well, stars suck. Space is fucking stupid. Anybody that likes NASA is an idiot. Yeah.

Looking up at stars is good. No. Why? Just in a park looking up looks kind of nice. Yeah. It's cool, dude. What do you look at for...

What's your favorite view? The wall in my room. Yeah. Nick has cool, dude. Nah, he does shit, dude. What do you look at for... What's your favorite view? The wall in my room. Yeah, Nick has lived in two windowless rooms since moving to New York. Yeah. You had a window in the one with the family last time. I did, it was to face a brick wall. Yeah, it was... It did.

It was... Finally, you got a window and it faced just a brick wall three feet away from the window. There was some light they got in there occasionally. I don't know if I could handle an apartment that had it. Remember when we had to shoot that gay sketch for that company you work for? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That apartment? Oh, my God, yeah.

That had a gorgeous view. It was incredible. I don't think I would like living in that apartment. Why? I don't know. You don't like a beautiful view? No. You don't want an objectively good thing in your life?

Nah. No, not really. It would be too distracting, or you just wouldn't like... No, I just think it would feel like not enough, that apartment, you know? But this feels like enough. Yeah, this is fine. Because there's no luxury here. You know what I mean?

Nick is an aesthetic. It's utilitarian. So you don't want anything nice. It's a purpose. Why have something halfway good? You know what I mean? Nick is an ascetic. It's utilitarian. So you don't want anything nice. It serves a purpose. Why have something halfway good? You know what I mean?

Like why do you eat the regular Reese's if you can have the tree or the Easter egg? I do find the tree has more peanut butter which I like. Adam, did they make

Hanukkah? Did they make a Hanukkah candle? What's it called? The menorah? The Hanukkah oven? The menorah?? What's it called? The menorah? The Hanukkah oven? The menorah?

What are you talking about? The menorah. Yeah, yeah. Do they make a Reese's menorah? The candelabra? Yeah. The Jewish candelabra? Yeah. Do they make a Reese's one?

No, they don't. Do they make any candy, any Jew candy? Yeah, gelt. Yeah, they make a money kind. Gelt is the funniest. They literally do, right? Yeah. That's so funny.

It's like... It's so funny. Stereotypes are so mean. Anyhow, right? That's so funny. Stereotypes are so mean. Anyhow, we make our children eat coins. We get them started young on a taste for coins. Listen, it taught me fiscal response. But no major like, there's no Hershey's Jew coin candy, right?

It's like made by a specific. Oh yeah, you know. Well, it's got to be kosher. Hershey's isn't candy right it's like made by a specific oh yeah you know what's gotta be kosher hershey's isn't gonna fuck around true true don't have time at that hershey's is kosher you know how many children die a day at the hershey's factory from touching the wrong shit yep you fall into the um river of chocolate yeah you eat one of those things and you become you blow up like a blueberry what's the moral of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory it's scary but it's not scary

that rich children should die in the factories and not the poor ones I remember it's a working class story it was such a powerful image when I was a kid the fact that his two sets of grandparents slept in the same bed I remember thinking like wow that, that's fucking crazy.

Well, that sucks for the grandparents. That's so weird. They're separated by like two generations and then they like, I guess we have to fucking all share a bed. I don't know who these people are. No idea who these people are. That is some old school poverty shit.

Yeah. Didn't they just do that? One bed for four old people. Sleep in three gas beds. Yeah, according to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And that Bill Cosby bit. Yeah. Yeah.

Where they all sleep. That river part used to scare the fucking shit out of me. The thing about Bill Cosby's bed is people don't even give him permission before they have to sleep in his bed. It's not just the family. It's all of his rape victims. Nice little sloppy, but I'll give it to you.

Yeah. I made a mistake ordering the pizza before we started the podcast. No, now you don't have the opposite. You like to do

comedy on an empty stomach, right? I bought it, though. This is having a conversation with two people I kind of resent. We're doing comedy.

Yeah, that's kind of. But I have to have a nice meal doing comedy. Yeah, that's true. Kind of. But I have to have a nice meal. Yeah? Yeah. If I'm on an empty stomach, I'm going to sleep. You know what would actually be great for me? A nice glass of red wine. And a bubble bath? How close are you to a relapse, do you think?

Two years. That's why I told myself I'd start drinking again when I turned 30. Why was that the goal um i don't know it seemed like a far away it seemed like it would take forever to get to 30 when i was 24 yeah and now i'm like you know getting closer and i'm like oh i guess not you're 27 28 20 well i'll be 28 next week next week yeah what are we doing oh shit bro doing anything yeah we gotta get buck ass wild yeah i i can. What part of not until I'm 30? What about coke? Oh, here's a good sober guy birthday thing.

Let's go to batting cages. Yeah. You like that, don't you? Yeah, actually, that would be pretty cool. Batting cages are cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Immediately change the rule. No, that's not a birthday thing.

I would go to a batting cage whenever. No, we're doing it for your birthday. We're doing it for your birthday, baby. We're going to make you wear a little birthday hat. We're going to have fun. It's going to be cool. You do have to wear a little birthday hat. We're going to have fun. It's going to be cool. You do have to wear a little birthday hat. And then we're going to do come boys karaoke.

It's going to be the three of us in a private room. Just singing for the other two people. Dude, one time I did karaoke with my ex-girlfriend and all her friends growing up. They're all Korean. You cannot imagine how many N-words were screamed. Koreans love using the N-word. That's the thing that's true about them. They love the N-word.

Did I tell you about the first public time I said the N-word? I love that you remember it. Not in a song? It wasn't well, sort of. Okay. This was just... I've never done it not in a song. you remember it. Not in a song? It wasn't well, sort of. Okay, here's, this was just. I've never done it not in a song. I sing it. Well, let me explain here.

No one heard me do it, but it was, so I was at a Wu-Tang Clan concert, right? In Baltimore. I've heard of them. And it was just like, it was one of those situations where there's like everyone make as much noise as you can

everyone I want to hear you get louder and I just thought it was too good a joke not to scream the n-word at the top of my lungs

because no one could hear me because it was just like I was being completely overshadowed by the rest of the shouting yeah so yeah at a Wu-Tang Clan concert I shouted the n-ed by the rest of the shouting. Yeah. So, yeah, at a Wu-Tang Clan concert, I shouted the N-word at the top of my lungs.

Well, it was part of the moment. And it was a pretty good bit. I still stand by that as a bit. Oh, the best bits are bits that are just for you. It was 100% just for me. One time I had my friend redo my OKCupid profile. This was a couple years ago. And he saw that i was like messaging girls

with like huge fake tits like girls that would never date me like rut girls that came from russia to like guys with money why were you doing that i just thought it was really funny okay he was like and then he saw all these messages and i'd be like um yeah we should probably date and they'd be like no and then he's really and he was just like you psycho i was like but it's funny he's like yeah but you're not doing it for anyone you're doing out of your private dating profile if they said yes would you have dated those big fake titted women no i wouldn't have been able to please them at all i would have had enough money they wouldn't they're here for one reason you know just you just women that would never date me i thought it'd be funny if i was like, yeah, we should probably date.

Women that are taller than me. Whatever, I'm a creative. Do you still do that all the time to every single woman you meet? No. I thought that was your move. No, my move is called the stop and frisk. That's what I do. Stop them, frisk them down.

Yeah. Pull the gun out of my hole. I do broken windows. That's when I lean too hard on the glass outside their apartment. Just completely topple over. It's not illegal. You broke from the outside. Technically, it is your fault.

I'm suing you. Goodbye. Just run away with my things. Just have lacerations all over your dick. Legally speaking, this is your fault. Goodbye. Good afternoon, ma'am. What did we get on the list?

We got on the list here the trial of that guy that shot that dude. Mistrial. Mistrial. Yeah, but they're going to try him again, right? They're going to try him again. Yeah. How do you fuck that one up we all saw the video

have any cops got in trouble was that in South Carolina it was in yeah South Carolina yeah Walter Scott yeah

I've been paying attention to all that one was like clear that's so funny that one was like there's no who's the guy

oh no man I don't think it was a hung jury I think it was like a procedural thing, right? No, it was a hung jury. There was like one guy that they couldn't reach a consensus. I just like that it's like 12 angry men, but instead of like the one guy that's not a piece of shit, it's just one guy. God damn it.

It was just like, I don't care. This is my year. It's my year now. Yeah, like, come on. We're taking it back yeah that guy there's no way there's no way that guy didn't just feel like no a trump hat there's definitely a trump guy definitely just like yeah sir can you take your hat off in the courtroom i like when they interview juries after those things and like it's usually

people that are like no i'd never heard of this shit before. You know, I still work at Blockbuster somehow in 2016. The last one. If I want to use the Internet, I have to go to my friend's house. I love in that OJ documentary how the jurors were just like, yeah, I just wanted to go home. I knew he was guilty, but I just wanted to go home i knew he was guilty but i just wanted to go home i was on that fucking jury for like two years they were kept in that hotel for so long it was torture yeah yeah what happened they just they were sequestered for like 18 months yeah no it

was like over a year was it eight months jesus christ dude they couldn't watch tv you know have you ever they couldn't watch tv no TV movies the 90s that's when TV was good yeah yeah you can know Frazier name is the fucker Niles and Daphne up to will they won't they speaking of TV we got this on the list here uh Lindy West has a TV show someone optioned her memoirs yeah so he optioned her memoirs to become a TV show so they're gonna get like was it the she's not gonna act. Yeah, it was the Food Network. It's called Westworld. Thank you.

Executive produced by Guy Fieri. Yeah. Lindley Westworld. Yeah. They just... He put together the meals by the specs of food on the manuscript that she turned in. Well, I kind of want to beat him to the punch. I want to read her book and then write my own speculative script.

You know, or just option it myself and then put my version of what that show would be. Dude, that could get big. I think that's a great idea. It could get big. It's a lot of work. Like a certain fatso. Who, Stob? Yeah, no.

What the fuck? No, I mean. Maybe when me and Stob first met, we were going to, it was right around when they did that rape joke debate on W. Kamau Bell's show. Oh, with Jim Norton? Yeah. And we were going to do a rape joke debate

at Wonderland Ballroom. Oh, at Funny Mom's. Between Lindy West and a rapist. And I was going to wear, like, a mask and gloves. Why didn't we do that? I was going to eat a sandwich. No, a bag of cheeseburgers. It was burgers and fries.

A whole bag full of cheeseburgers and wear a dumb wig. And that was the plan. Why didn't we do that? Is there still time? We were supposed to do that at Funny Mom's. Same reason that nothing else happens. You know, we say we're going to do a thing. Yeah, yeah.

Until I go buy the gear. It always requires some sort of gear purchase on my end. Someone has to go get gear. I would have bought the cheeseburgers. No, you wouldn't have. I would have eat it, I'm due. Yeah. Well, the only thought I had written down for the Lindy West TV show

is that they were going to have Pixar animated, but they ran out of hard drive space. While designing a character. Woo! Boom. Now that is a good one, my friend. That bitch is fat. They're like drawing her

and then like the fucking, there's just a noise on like the desk and the hard drive had dropped out of the bottom of the computer onto the floor. The hard drive weighs so much. The fucking, the lights are flickering in all the rooms. Her book is called Shrill.

Oh, man. She's taking it back. Her book is called Trill? Shrill. Oh, I thought you were like Trill. I was like, well, maybe you could just go with fat. She's like, I'm not just fat. It's like, okay, well, it's 17 chapters about how you're fat and how you're better than everyone because you're

fat but then they hate you for some reason did you see they someone put a list together mashable or something 23 comedians and accounts you have to follow during the trump era yeah and it was like lindy West, Paul Krugman. It was like, none of them were, they were like, this is hilarious. People that you need to laugh at.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. People that'll help you laugh. Yeah. Yeah. It was really bad. By laughing at, not with.

Maybe if that was the objective of the article, then I think it achieved its purpose. People only laugh with Lindy. Woo! W-I-N-D-T-H. My man on fire today. Get her ass.

Cook her ass. Mm-hmm. Cook that bitch. Woo! Yo, come on the podcast, Lindy. Seriously, though. I love you, girl. Yeah, but please don't break or eat the microphone.

It's not an ice cream cone. That's my favorite. I have so many problems with Lindy, but it's just so ice cream cone that's my favorite i have like so many problems with lindy but like it's just so much fun to only go after her for being fat to do the mean middle school version yeah yeah they're perfectly legitimate critiques oh yeah no they don't involve she's a fucking narcissist as you get paid to just talk about herself and then relate everything to herself totally yeah and uh but no it's just so much more fun. Do people still read her shit? I guess they do.

Yeah. She wrote that awful thing about that Mona movie. Oh, yeah. She's like, this is how we're going to fight racism is by taking up nine seats at a children's movie. We're going to end racism. Yeah, the tagline was something like- Take that, Donald Trump.

I went to see a Pixar movie. I went to go see a Disney movie. What is Mona? It's Native American or Hawaiian? No, it's probably the same exact movie Disney's been making for the last 60 years. They're just choosing different ethnicities? Yeah. Whatever the rock is, that's what this is.

Samoan? Samoan. Cool. I think so. They're going to go through all of those Pacific Islands. Yeah. The Cook Islands. I'm sorry, but Tallulah is Tonkin, so it's a completely different movie from Mona.

It has nothing to do with Lilo and Stitch. That was a different island. That was Hawaii? Yeah, that was Hawaii. And the next one is Capri Sun. It's a country. They got one of those? Yeah. You know that's a drink. They got one of those? Yeah.

You know that's a drink. Really? Yeah. No, I didn't know that. Them little silver pouches? Yeah, dude. You know what I do? I put that shit upside down.

That's the cool way I drink it. You know what sells so well is fucking wine coolers that come in those pouches? I've been saying this for years. No, I just said it right now. No, no, no. Yeah, of course. First time I ever heard Nick saying it right now. All right. Franzia and Capri sun pouches yeah you know how many fucking college freshmen

you'd kill with that they would think that's hilarious you know how you know like first of all we would completely undo all the work we made with our work we got done with mattress girl and all of the campus sexual assault activists erased overnight with Capri Sun Franzia. Would you give a cool name? Assaults will skyrocket. One in four? More like nine in four. I don't even know how that math works.

And you won't either because you're going to miss all your classes. So everyone gets raped two and a half times? Yeah. Is that what nine in four is? I don't know the statistics. I think so. Yeah. Is that what nine and four is? I don't know the statistics. I think so. Yeah, I would love that.

Or alcoholic gushers. Eat a little gusher. Ooh, that'd be nice. Splashes some fucking booze in your mouth. Yeah. Did you see that fire in Oakland? Yeah. How did people die?

I thought it was like a warehouse. Were they living there? It was a warehouse. Yeah. It was like any one of these Bushwick loft spaces. Oh, it was like one of those. a warehouse yeah it was like all any one of these bushwick you know lost spaces where jake lives basically yeah yeah oh there's one of those but uh so the landlord they first the media went after the landlord and the landlord's like i haven't been there in a fucking year and a half there was squatters yeah it was some vietnamese woman she's

like i don't i don't know it wasn't squatters she's like i like trusted that the guy who had the lease was using it as like a art studio or some shit she's like i wasn't squatters. She's like, I trusted that the guy who had the lease was using it as an art studio or some shit. She's like, I wasn't saying anybody could live there. And then the guy who leased the property, who was offering subleases out to artists or whatever, he was turning a profit off of it. I'm sure. He went on the news. He went on the Today Show.

And he's like, I've lost lost everything i've tried to build a community here and like fucking matt lauer is like uh do you think you should be held responsible for this for violating all those codes he's like i'm not even gonna answer a ridiculous question like that and he's like uh i he's like i've refused i've never I just want to say that I've lost something here. You're alive. Yeah. Something like 26 people died. Yeah, a ton.

What do you mean you've lost? He's like, I had some sweet-ass records in there. And then this asshole went on the Today Show wearing a fedora. No. To talk about how sorry he is about all the deaths. So he just completely was a fucking slumlord yeah everything was out of code yeah got on fire and he thinks he's not a slumlord because he was you know

exploiting artists other people that with the same you know stupid outfits as him there's no possible way he could be a guy that's a piece of shit Matt how can we talk about this and this was we've lost so much experimental dance poetry because of this incident. Yeah, he's like, what a loss. Yeah, and then you can tell he was obviously trying to position himself and do PR, but he's a fucking moron.

Right, right. He didn't understand how badly it would play. Right, right. And he goes on TV and he's like, you know, how could this happen? He's like, what do you think? Did I, like, move my family into a hotel right before this happened so that this wouldn't happen to them? He's like, no, which he did.

He did move them into a hotel right before it happened. He's like, no, I did that. So they get a nice, a nice quiet night's sleep while they had this, you know, concert at the, you know, at the venue or whatever, uh, which wasn't, it wasn't permitted for that. Jesus Christ. Yeah yeah so like he's i hope he goes to jail for murder i hope there's like you know multiple god damn no dude i used to be diy guy and diy till i die no you're not fine dude buy your own fucking shitty you know space live in it but don't offer leases to people if you're not gonna like those laws exist for a fucking reason

yeah it's real shitty you were but your diy space was nice the basement yeah and also we weren't like making money off of it we gave all the money you also had a you also had you were like allowed to live there yeah it was a it was a residential space right exactly this was a fucking shitty old warehouse and this guy was like converted into living spaces by letting people put up, I mean, again, that bushwood shit. I went to Jake's one time, and the stairwell was missing. He's like, oh, yeah, they took that stairwell out. So you have to go to the roof and then go back down on the other side. It's like a toilet, but...

Did you ever go to the copycat in fucking Baltimore? No, never. That place fucking sucked, dude. It's like a toilet, but... Did you ever go to the copycat in fucking Baltimore? No, never. That place fucking sucked, dude. Didn't Petey used to live in like a warehouse kind of space? Who? Pete Muth? Yeah.

Yeah, he lived in a fucking tight one, though. The mansion in Hamden. That place is tight. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was just like some old fucking... It was like a converted factory, but it was really nice. Yeah, yeah. It was not DIY at all. It was like a fucking...

It was a nice fucking spot, but they had good shows there. Yeah. The copycat, though, was just fucking terrible. It was just like... I don't know what it was not diy at all it was like a fucking it was a nice fucking spot but they had good shows there yeah copycat though was just fucking terrible it was just like i don't know what it was some printing company i don't know what it was and it was just like infested with bed bugs there was like one fucking bathroom for these huge fucking floors my friends that lived there just pissed in deer park like huge deer park gallon it was disgusting they were brand loyal yeah they were brand it was just deer park um brand loyal. It was just Deer Park. I lived next to a Vietnam vet when I was a little kid, and he kept all of his piss in jars in the garage. Just indefinitely? He just liked it? You never know when you need it.

No, I don't know. I mean, I don't even remember him being a garage guy. I just remember seeing those jars of piss. Good for him. I pissed a lot. I'll piss in Gatorade bottles. Just leave them laying around. My mom found one.

And she's fucking... I just had it for years. And I just wrapped it up. And I was like, oh, I just... That's like mental illness, dude. I never, never fucking... Just go to the fucking bathroom. I know.

It's not mental illness. It's being a lazy piece of shit. Yeah, but it's being a lazy piece of shit to the degree that you have a mental problem. You do this as well? Justify it. Yeah, why were you just questioning? You brought this up. I think it was weird that they did it.

Yeah, but theirs is real far away. Mine is much closer. I do it for different reasons. I do it. It's cool, though. I did it like a couple times And Yeah sometimes I'll piss in a

Big Yankee cup Or I pissed on the way up To Not to stop at rest stops In the car that's fine In the Not to stop at rest stops

I pissed while driving on the way up I can't do that dude I always get messy I've done that twice You need a wide mouth You need a wide mouth cup You need a wide mouth I tried to do Gatorade

Not me actually But yeah Yeah I have a really big ass fucking dick So when I piss in stuff You need a wide mouth. You need a wide mouth cup. I tried to do Gatorade. Not me, actually. But, yeah. Yeah, I have a really big-ass fucking dick. So, when I'm pissing stuff, you got to have a wide lip. I've never pissed. I've never needed to piss in a bottle. I've always been able to not piss myself for long enough to make it to a restaurant.

Wow, Nick. Frag, man. That's why I qualify for the astronaut program. You motherfuckers don't. Wait, they have diapers in there? Yeah, astronauts dipe up.

They dipe it up? They dipe up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why a lot of guys become astronauts. Get a diaper fetish? An excuse to wear.

Well, you know, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a guy that had a diaper fetish and he was real embarrassed about it, so he went to school

to become an astronaut so he could wear the diaper. Yeah, so he became like a doctor and an engineer and like think about all those guys are geniuses that's think about the guys that are fucking pedophiles where they have like who becomes i don't know uh the star of seventh heaven like now my secret is safe no one will find me out i guarantee you like half of all astronauts are people with diaper fetishes. And they just went through all the schooling and stuff to cover up the fact that they can only come if they wear diapers.

Dude, those are probably... In space where no one can hear you come. Damn. That's like a pizza gate for the space industry. Did you see some guy went to the pizza gate place and started shooting at the building? Yeah, the guy from North Carolina. Yeah. Did you see the picture of him?

No. He's perfect. Straight out of Central Casting. First of all, the guy from North Carolina. Yeah. Do you see the picture of him? No. He's perfect. Straight out of Central Casting. First of all, he's right. He's right. He's self-investigating, guys. Yeah. No, I mean, he's absolutely right.

That sealed the deal for me. I mean, because I was kind of on the fence about whether or not Pizzagate was real, but when I found out someone brought a gun there and shot at the store, I was like, it's real. That's what made it real in my head what percentage of them do you think really believe it the alt right

what do you mean the pepe frog guys I don't think any of those people actually believe anything yeah they think it's funny that guy did he fucking went in there

with a gun I'm saying so there's like has to be a percentage of them that actually thinks it's real 15 yeah you think 15 it's a fat percentage

well I'll tell you what percentage of me which is a lot thinks it's real. 30. Which is something like 15%. Yeah, I think it's kind of... I think there's something fucked up going on there.

After the British Parliament thing and the Catholic Church, it's like, yeah, probably. The amount of times that there's some suspicious thing going on in a powerful group. Why wouldn't? There's got to be the same amount of pedophiles in any population, any sample. I don't think Hillary is a pedophile. I think Hillary is trans. She's a trans cocaine addict.

Oh, man. There were so many. Didn't somebody say that Obama was gay and like yeah he's a gay prostitute he was a gay cocaine addict yeah and then during

the Benghazi attacks he was in a limousine sucking some man's dick Will Will was saying to me that that's so awesome dude

the president well you know I tell you it would be awesome and very funny if it wasn't true but it is it's

Will was saying like on his last day in office he's gonna like be standing in front of the chopper Well, you know, I tell you, it would be awesome and very funny if it wasn't true, but it is. Will was saying on his last day in office, he's going to be standing in front of the chopper, and he's going to be like, all right, well, that's it for me as the president. Now I'm going to go back to being a gay prostitute. That would be like a Monopoly man sitting in the fucking limo. It would go back to sucking him off immediately. Yeah, dude, if you were a gay collector of the finest prostitutesitutes the president the United States would be the best prostitute I mean that's that you could probably charge like that's the whole literally five million dollars

yeah to get some hope the Pope right now gay prostitute the Pope probably rape oh no Benedict the way you make it up that far in that organization it's like it's like you know cops they have to be racist yeah you can't be you can't be an anti-racist cop and and make it up to like the the white shirt level benedict yeah there's a a gay underground oh yeah that's why they have like a hot wasn't there like a hot like he's smoking hot boyfriend that was like helping him or whatever yeah yeah and he just sucked him there was a gay prostitution scandal in like the rome archdiocese all right which like came up basically

he had to go and that's why they got this like nice uh argentinian socialist guy yeah yeah yeah this guy this guy loves this guy right this guy if he if he wasn't in the in the fucking uh priesthood he would like be a very gentle lover to women for sure yeah i mean i think everyone says he's the good one but like still like the baseline of his beliefs are stupid as shit right he believes in like the mama and that you know yeah i mean he believes in the he's a catholic yeah so he's fucking stupid yeah but i don't think it's dumb you think it's cool the holy trinity i think it's way cool think about it dude is that him oh look at that amber's producing for us yeah yeah

he is sexy oh i'd i'd fuck rat singer that old Nazi, that old gay Nazi's boyfriend. Is he still the Pope, the Nazi? No, but he's alive. He's like just some fucking scary... Did he quit being gay? He quit. Why'd he quit? Because he's gay. Because he's gay. That's what we're talking about. He has a sexy-ass boyfriend. He sucks off in Germany. Oh, this is like open. He's openly gay?

No, no, no. No, I think he lives in the Vatican. Yeah, but you could figure out a way to do it No, no, no. No, I think he lives in the Vatican. Yeah, but you could figure out a way to do it. You know, you could stay pope and figure out a way to... There was a gay prostitution scandal where a bunch of the cardinals were like getting gay prostitutes in Rome and stuff. Arizona cardinals or St. Louis? Yeah, Arizona actually. Carson Palmer fucked a bunch of gay prostitutes.

Him and Larry Fitzgerald fucking double teamed a twink. St. Louis cardinals straight as fuck. They stood up when that Mike Brown shit happened. Yeah. Dude, they stood up for the blue lives. What's his fucking name? Darren Wilson. Darren Wilson, yeah.

I got into it with some back when there were still teacots on Twitter or whatever. Yeah. About the Mike Brown thing. How have they gotten worse? Well, I would tweet at them and I would be like, no, Mike Brown was the officer. Darren Wilson was the kid that was shot.

And like two or three of them were like, I stand corrected. Have a good day. Just like wouldn't check. Like, my apologies. I messed up. They're just so quick.

You're right. Darren is sort of a black name. He could have been him. Mike Brown could be him. I was laughing. There was a murder in Aurora, Colorado last year. In a movie theater? No.

Where they're showing? No, no. Was the guy dressed as Bane? These two black guys killed somebody in Aurora. And it came up on some news feed of mine or whatever. And it was two black guys that were cousins with each other. And it's like Aurora Cousins indicted in murder. And then there was a picture of the two black guys.

But I scrolled past it and it said Aurora Cousins indicted in murder. And there's a picture of the two black guys, but I just thought they were the same black guy. And I thought it was one black guy named Aurora Cousins. That is a fucking cornerback's name. That's what I'm saying. Aurora Cousins. Aurora Cousins. That is a fucking cornerback's name. Aurora Cousins. Aurora Cousins. Aurora Cousins, Eastern Tennessee University.

Dude, he runs a 4-4-40. The combine, he runs a 4-4-40. Great ball skills. Great ball skills, right hands. He'd be a first-round talent if it wasn't for smoking weed one time. I was laughing the other night we were talking

about the Vitamix again which Stav got by the way he copied me bitch I got a Vitamix bitch I think

I have it so if you get it now you copy me you didn't even know what it was until I said I'm gonna get it I own it

I am the owner of Vitamix first of all I think Stav is probably an expert on blending technology

I know all about blenders bitch even before I was into smoothies he has an immersion blender yeah first of all we've discussed this i have blenders solely for mayonnaise and dips and shit yeah but i wanted to buy them i said i was gonna get the vitamin and guess what bitch you dragged your feet on it i have it now if you get it you're copying me

that's how the rules of copying work your paycheck's cut off for this one i'm going on strike i'm calling your fucking credit card company and disputing that. No, I'm disputing it on his behalf. No, he copied me. Do not hang up on me again. I will kill you. I will come to that office with an AR-15, a fully automatic AR-15 on November 18th next year at 5.50 p.m.

This is a specific direct threat over international over state lines. This is a 100% real not satire threat to kill you if you hang up on me. No way shape or form could be interpreted

as parody or joke. Them just playing the audio at your trial I was kidding again I would like to reiterate this is not a joke in the event that they

play this at the trial and I claim I was kidding tell the fucking judge look at my defense attorney's face right now you see how fucking pissed he is

because he knows this is real. Motherfucker. Do not let him get that Vitamix. You cancel shipment now. He will not copy me. Not on my purchases list. It's been on my wish list for a year and a half. You know what's next on that list?

Your fucking head. That'd be a fun sketch. Don't fuck with me. I am in ISIS. I support ISIS. I'm a member of ISIS. That's a good bit we could do on the show.

Just call people up and tell them we're going to murder them. Whoa, you're listening to Danny Dickhead in the morning. What's up, bitch? Hello? I always thought it'd be funny to do a morning radio bit You're listening to Danny Dickhead in the morning. What's up, bitch? Yeah, yeah.

Hello? I always thought it'd be funny to do a morning radio bit where they go through the obituaries and we found a family whose four-year-old drowned last week. He drowned last week? Yeah. So let's call him up. And it's like, toilet flushing sound. He's like,

hello? Hello? It's like, my name is uh randy uh jefferson um i went to school with your son and i was wondering if i could have his toys because he's dead like excuse me i want his i want your dead son's toys i'm four they're like what they're like I'm just kidding You won two free tickets To see Rush Next weekend At the Fuck You Dome

Oh fuck Oh that's great Yeah Unfortunately All those All those local radio Prank phone calls All fake

Oh Yeah because it's illegal To record Yeah yeah Unless you're in Vegas Dude Really? Yeah

Las Vegas has different laws. That's where I grew up, dude, the Wild West. Shut the fuck up. Vegas is the only place. Vegas and then there's one other state where... Only one party needs to know? Yeah, only one party needs to know. But the thing about prank calls is anytime you call customer service,

because it says this call may be monitored or recorded, that's implied consent on their behalf. Hell yeah. So you can prank call may be monitored and recorded. That's implied consent on their behalf. Hell yeah. So you can prank call those companies all day long. Now, they probably would be able to sue you if you make their company look shitty. Right. But who gives a shit? Right.

Or you can even just beep out the name. Yeah. I guess. But then it's also, you know, I don't know. Who knows? I don't know. 97 does a bit. Well, now it's probably fake, but it's called Ride or Die.

So they're like, yeah, I want to prank my boyfriend today. And I want to be like, yeah, I'm cheating on you. And then if they don't hang up on the phone in 60 seconds or something, then they win tickets to Summer Jam or whatever. One time this guy calls he's like yeah i'm trying to i'm trying to prank my girl uh i'm trying to tell her that like i would put like peanut butter on my balls i've been getting i've been getting a dog to lick it stuff because like we haven't been like really like connected in the bedroom recently and like yeah like this

is my thing now like i put peanut butter on my balls and like this and they're like saying they're like what do you want her to say and like the point is to have them say oh that's all right um and then they're like oh ding ding ding that's your ride your rider not a right what not a what rider die not a dyer or whatever so uh he calls his girl it's clearly just a guy who just likes fucking dogs keep in mind again as i just said it's probably fake no they're 100 fake so go ahead and continue telling this story despite that disclaimer at the beginning and you're repeating the bit that they wrote that you thought was real after i just told you it was fake. I think it's real. This is like me beating off the nudes.

This is your beating off the nudes. You loving these fake ads. But Adam also beats off the nudes. People said that Nick says David Blaine isn't real. I say David Blaine is real. What do you mean he's real? They say it's not illusions. I think it's real magic.

Some of it's real. That skewer through the bicep thing. How the fuck does he's real? It's not illusions. I think it's real magic. Some of it's real. That skewer through the bicep thing. How the fuck does he do that? He created a fistula. Over the last five years in secret, he just kept stabbing himself in the arm a little bit. And through his hand, too. Yeah.

He just kept doing it slightly, putting it maybe a millimeter in every time, and created scar tissue all the way through his fucking arm. Oh, my God. Yeah. So then he just pushes it through all that scar tissue. Yeah, they x-rayed him, and it was like, you know, you have a fucking scar. Did you see what he threw at them frogs?

Oh, yeah. That shit was crazy. For Kanye and Steph Curry. No, no, it was Drake. Drake, Steph Curry, Kanye. Oh, Dave Chappelle. Kanye wasn't there. Dave Chappelle, that's right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Barack Obama. Barack Obama. Colin Powell. Colin Powell. Just every player. Lando Calrissian yeah I watched

the last David Blaine special and like so he does like magic for celebrities and one of the celebrities was Stephen Hawking nuh uh

yeah really it's so funny he's just sitting there like yeah it's amazing Stephen Hawking is like can you please make me walk again

I've given up on science. Please help me, magic. My dick doesn't work. Please, magic, help me. Oh, shit. And Evelyn has to be like, listen, Stephen, it's not real. And he's like, I got you, bitch. I got you to admit it.

I am the smartest man in the world, you fucking retard. How dare you do magic at me Fuck Yo that guy just I love that Stephen Hawking Just cheated on his wife Yeah in the chair dude Yeah he got his fucking

The nurse that bathed him and shit I guess he just like He couldn't even speak And he was cheating That's so sick Imagine being able to What a ledge What an absolute legend You think he's got a fat hog You think his dick works No way right He couldn't even speak and he was cheating. That's so sick. Imagine being able to... What a ledge.

What an absolute legend. You think he's got a fat hog? You think his dick works in that way, right? Stephen Hawking? Yeah. Of course not. Actually, you know what? That's the only part that works. It does.

It's an independent system. Yeah. Really? Yeah, the dick is separate. Like, paraplegics can still get hard and fuck. What? Yeah. Lieutenant Dan, dude.

Yeah. That's true. He's fucking all them whores. Yeah, it doesn't... It's not like... But does it feel good when he gets his dick sucked? No, I can't feel it at all. Oh, wait, no. It's Stephen Hawking? Yeah. Lieutenant Dan, dude. Yeah. That's true. He's fucking all them whores. Yeah, it doesn't, it's not like. But does it feel good when he gets his dick sucked? No, I can't feel it at all. Oh, wait, no, it's Stephen Hawking?

Yeah. Yeah, he could probably feel his dick. Hell yeah, dude. Well, he cheated on his wife. That's what I was just saying. Yeah, we were just on the podcast talking about it. Sorry, I was going through. Your text. No, I was doing something important for the show.

I had to look up these show notes that I keep. Yeah, so on your text. I wasn't doing what you do. On your text message page? Dude, I don't have my phone. When I run the show, you're fucking, we work for you.

Oh, stop. Do you want to talk to Nick about what we were talking about before? What? Come on, dude. We're about it. Quote about strike,

putting a union. We've, you form a union. I would fully support you guys for me. We're union now. We're, we're a local, uh, 69, 420. Yeah, that's fine. No, when we talk, now we're all right we're uh local uh 69 420 yeah

that's fine no when we talk do we is that what you were doing yeah i haven't signed anything with your union so independent contractors you can't start a bit by stop you can't put the onus on me to create a bit out of nowhere no that was literally what the i wanted to talk about you literally guessed a bit no No, I swear to God. We have such good chemistry. I'm just like, oh, what are you talking about, Adam? You know. I mean, like, there are context clues.

Nick was talking about how he was the host. You're right, you're right. Yeah. I want to talk about Stephen Hawking fucking, though. Yeah. So he fucked his maid or some shit, right? Didn't he fuck his nurse? No, his nurse.

She was like speech therapist. Damn, dude. Has anyone seen a picture of him? I bet his wife walked in like nine times while she's sucking his dick and he's like, this is part of the therapy. Close the door. She's like, Stephen, I don't know if this is normal, but I'm just some woman that went to science school with you,

according to what I remember from that movie. We watched that together, Nick. Dude, fuck that movie. That movie sucked. I love all those scenes where he's dragging himself up the stairs, and it took like, you know, because it's all a montage, so it took this family seven years before they're like, maybe we should just put the bed downstairs.

They made him drag his fucking shitty body up the stairs every night for years before they put the fucking bed downstairs. That movie was garbage. Yeah, that movie sucked, dude. That's how fucking stupid the Academy Awards are. You can win an Academy Award for just wearing your glasses stupid. Yeah. That was the other thing, too.

Academy Award for just wearing your glasses stupid. That was the other thing too. That should have disqualified him from any kind of award for his performance is that to sell being Stephen Hawking his glasses had to be cockeyed on his face. And it's like, bitch, his glasses aren't retarded.

It's just his body. The rest of him is retarded. Not the glasses. Someone would fix his glasses and not have them on his face. No, they were trying to be like, look at this retard. He's such a slob. Yeah, yeah. He can't even put his glasses on.

Then they made that Turing movie. Oh, yeah. Didn't they like, I didn't see it, but didn't they take out the part that he's gay? They did. What? That's like the whole fucking. That's the whole point of it is that England chemically castrated him for being gay. That happened later.

That happened after he cracked the code. Oh, I thought that's what the movie was about. I thought they were doing some kind of touchy-feely shit. No, no, it's about how he helped crack the Enigma machine. Oh, true. The code word, you know why they call it the Enigma machine. The Germans are like, we will encode everything with a word that they cannot say,

but we can say it is racist. Well, they were saying it. Well, yeah, that was state policy back in the day. That's the bit, dude. Of course, I know that. The Nazis didn't use the N-word. No N-words were. Other people are like,

it wasn't just Jews. They also killed handicapped people in Roma. It's like, maybe a couple. And gays. They killed 5 million other people. Really? Yeah, but you have to combine all of them together. Gays, political enemies, Romanes, gays. Gay was a big umbrella term yeah it was like

artists intellectuals if you talked guys who cross their legs that way like I'm literally the way you cross your leg

the right way I'm just smashing my dick right now that is a woman's leg cross we gotta give you some balls and stuff we're down here tips on power

mannerisms look at the way me and Stav are seated yes you, our feet are pointed at you. You look more powerful than both of you. Right. Stav's shirt is halfway up his torso. Look at his sweatpants. They're rolled up.

They're rolled up. I'm aired out. You should take a picture and put it up on the website. Yeah. He's currently getting bed sores from a brand new pair of pants. That's a powerful move. You can sit down for 45 minutes and come away with what looks like Kaposi's sarcoma. Like somebody glued a bunch of pepperoni to your ass.

That's the kind of guy I am, dude. I got that type of skin. I got that power skin. Oh, man. How funny is it that you can get hurt from being in bed? If you're enough of a slob, you could actually get injuries from it.

Yeah, that runs counter to what I believe about longevity, which is if you just game forever, eventually they'll invent a new medicine to cure whatever problem you have. You just stay in bed gaming, and then you don't have to worry about anything. I'm about to start gaming, dude. I got that PS4.

Shouts out. A listener told me that Mafia 3 was bad, so now I don't want to get it anymore. I'm thinking about buying that PS4 Pro. You should get it, dude. What's the pro? What's the benefit? The Pro does 4K TV. Do they make anything for 4K? Not yet, but it's coming. Is it like DVDs? What is 4K TV. Do they make anything for 4K?

Not yet, but it's coming. Is it like DVDs? What is 4K? 4K is like resolution. You know 1080p? 1080p is like a thousand lines of vertical resolution. 4K makes 1080p look like your mother's asshole. It's a thousand lines of

horizontal resolution. Whereas 4K is like 2,000 by 3,000 something. So it's like 4,000 lines of resolution. It's like four times the resolution of 1080p. So the little pixels on the screen, they're a quarter of the size as they would be on a 1080p television. Okay.

Dude, that bugs me so much. Pixels. I can't stand them. I see them all. The nipples will be smooth. It looks like a Mondrian painting. Nothing looks as good as film does. Like, film is still... Like, 70mm film looks better than... I think it has a higher resolution.

Yeah, but it's retarded to use film. Well, I'm talking about home video. Yeah, yeah, sure. I mean, like, home media. Sure. You know, if you want to watch something and have it look good, you want that resolution that high. You can get close to the original. Mm-hmm.

What are you looking at? Nothing. But, yeah, no, if you get that $400 PS4, you can get a... I got that $250. Yeah, yeah. Which isn't even $250 anymore. That was a Black Friday deal. Oh, really?

Yeah, it's back up to $300. Oh, nice. Oh, yeah. Which isn't even 250 anymore. That was a Black Friday deal. Oh, really? Yeah, it's back up to 300. Oh, nice. Oh, yeah. Fuck you, Adam. So, for $100 more, you get the 4K one. True. Yeah. Yeah, and you can... Do they make 4K porn? We should just do the podcast over PS4. I want to play FIFA. Yeah, dude. We're sponsored by Gizmodo.

And Kotaku. Imagine having, like... Imagine the lack of self respect you have to have to type in Kotaku.com read shit on that website and then

even be able to get an erection and masturbate is it that's Gawker yeah Gawker bought it that sounds like us doing

like Kotaku yeah yeah sounds like being racist I get all of my news from unfuckablefaggot.com. It's a video game website. Yeah, dude.

So right now, I'm fucking playing FIFA, and I don't know what other games to get. So I don't know. It's basically a $250 FIFA machine. It literally is. This is why you can't start playing video games Because then all you can talk about is video games Yeah

That's the thing They really are the pinnacle of like Entertainment Entertainment Yeah It's immersive And you know Fucking

You're making decisions Ebert was right It's not art And like people fucking get They're like Oh fuck This isn't art This isn't fucking art And it's like No it's not art and like people fucking get like oh fuck if this isn't art this isn't fucking art and it's like no it's literally you wasting your entire life like nobody there's

nobody out there that like smells bad because and it can't fuck because they watch too many movies right you know you can argue with me about that i'm right you know there's probably i mean yeah that's true yeah i know people that's like people that have seen every movie that are bad. They probably just... They're shit together. Yeah. But no, it's just... My friend had to repeat a year of college because of Call of Duty.

Right. That shit doesn't fucking happen with people that like... I got way too into music. Right. I started listening to too much music. I listened to the White Album for 48 hours straight, and I missed my final. Yeah, and my parents are pissed because I looked at too many paintings last semester. I had to fucking repeat a semester of college.

You have the bug, though. If you get going... He does have AIDS. Well, with literally everything. HIV. Yeah. No, I mean, I can't do cocaine. I can't drink.

I'm not eating. If I buy a box of oreos i'll eat the entire fucking thing but if i if you have a consumption call of duty you just like sit down yeah i wasted six months of my life on call of duty modern warfare 2 that's why i had to stop playing video games damn yeah i made enough money to quit my day job and just focus on comedy and i did nothing of the sort i'd fucking wake up at 3 p.m. I'd go to the beer store I would get three tacos and a 12 pack and I would sit there

and I would drink and play Call of Duty until like 4 o'clock in the morning and then pass out and do it again. That sounds pretty awesome though. It fucking ruled.

That is the best thing you could do. It fucking ruled. God that sounds so awesome. I don't know it doesn't sound very funny. It does you fucking nerd.

It sounds fucking tight. I like falling in love. Shut up. Holding your lover's hand in the sunset. Yeah. The touch of a woman. I'd love to slap you.

This end of a woman. Come here, let me slap you. All right. Dude, look at my power stance, dude. Are you going to not let me slap you? You can literally see the outline of your penis when your legs aren't crossed. That's not his penis. No, it's just the whole ball's penis and everything.

Yeah, I see your testicle, your dick. You want to give it a little suck? He's on commando. Not today, but I do in these sometimes. I think penis is new. I bought some great Reebok sweatpants Are those? BJ's With my mother And I love them You have such an interesting body

Yeah it is You really have the proportions of a baby But like a jacked sexy baby You know what's funny You read You're reading Blood Meridian right Like when they describe the judge And how he has like a baby's features

And it's like oh that's stop Yeah but It's not gross But I'm like But I got this little body But the judge is cool You're not cool like the judge No I'm cool i

can squat a lot so what's the last time you hit a squat rack i mean it's been a while but like if i did it would be a lot what was it like yeah a ford f-150 like six thousand oh yeah i put it there was some fucking when i when i was in community college i was taking like automotive technology and there's this kid that like you know um i i guess i i the way to classify him would be skateboard shoes fat oh yeah you know those guys they're like etnies but they're like 400 pounds like somehow sagging their pants over their giant ass yeah like oh the pants are too big for me it's like where did you even find size 96 waist, you know, fucking dickies

or whatever. But it was one of those guys. And we were talking about the gym and he was like, he's like, I'm actually like surprisingly strong. Like a lot of people

don't think that I'm like in good shape or whatever, but I went to the gym and like, you know, my legs are really strong and I lifted, I swear to God,

not even lying, a thousand pounds. Which he could have, he could have very well. What does he mean by that? He probably means like the fucking leg press machine. Yeah. Which literally anyone can do. It's not hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Especially using the wrong form. Yeah, right. You're just like using all your weight. Well, you know who leg presses 2,000 pounds? Pat Robertson. Really? Yeah. The guy from

The 700 Club? What? Well, that's why the show is called The 700 Club. It's because 30 years ago he fucking squatted 700 pounds. And it was originally

a weightlifting show. It was a powerlifting show. But then he lost one of his testicles to steroids and he found God. And then it became about shaming minorities.

People who want to get abortions. No, he like leg presses like 2000 pounds. Really? He's like a leg press machine in his basement. What? He has like videos of him leg pressing. So does it just not do anything for you then? No, not really.

I mean, it does something, you know, like a lot of, if you read gym blogs, like they're all fucking, you know, everything's like black black and white with any kind of gym blogging. If you don't squat, you're a fucking pussy. You're a faggot. You deserve to get AIDS. If you have some kind of condition where you have to use the leg press machine, or if that's the only thing available to you, they work fine. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I remember I used to do that shit for that exact reason in high school. I couldn't lift anything. My upper body's just fucking terrible. But I was just like, oh yeah, I'll just do to do that shit for that exact reason in high school. I couldn't lift anything. Like, my upper body's just fucking terrible. But I was just like, oh, yeah, I'll just do the leg press to feel cool. And they'd be like, put another plate on. I was like, yeah, hell yeah, I'm strong. Because I didn't.

I was fucking weak. Yeah. Well, you're still weak. No, I'm strong now. Let's focus on that. I'm strong now. I almost did 10. I did 10 push-ups today, boys.

10? I'm on the 100 push-ups. 100 push-up plan. Yeah. You're never going to get there. Maybe I will. The most I've ever been able to do in one set is 65. Yeah.

Okay. Well, I will get to the... How about this? I'll get to 69. It's fucking really hard. It's really hard. After 50, it's really hard. After 50, it's really hard to add reps.

Okay. Well, I'll get to 69 yeah yeah and i'm pushing up like 10 pounds yeah what the fuck you weigh how much do you weigh adam 115 holocaust yeah 109 pounds like a bergen belson why the fuck are pounds you know what my dumbass roommate one time uh said out loud he goes like, that guy probably weighs like 300 LBs. It was kind of like an Eric-y sort of thing. Yeah. Why are they called that? Well, then what was confusing to me is that the pound symbol looks like a cursive L, right?

Yeah. And then the dollar symbol is an S with lines through it. So I thought the LBs was because of the pound Symbol But that obviously was just a connection I made in my child brain What the fuck does the S stand for I thought it said for Scrooge as in Scrooge McDuck Yep

S For the dollar sign Skrillex I have no idea It's stupid it's fucked up Trump should really change that That's something you should look into Okay

Well We're out of time I guess There's nothing else I really wanted to bring up Other than these New These new Macbooks Oh yeah

How's it going buddy Oh yeah I got one actually You didn't get the touchpad though No no I got like the The lower tier Whatever the Mac MacBook is now Did you say they got a new Star Wars movie

That they came out with Yeah Rogue One Yeah Rogue One What the fuck is that You're stealing the plans for the Death Star It's between It's between New Hope And then Episode 3

Oh That's okay That's where they get the plans for the Death Star Well I saw the I saw the trailer for it I thought it was the next one And there's like shots of the Death Star I'm like come on

Yeah Are you fucking serious Yeah Darth Vader's in it again They're shots of the Death Star, I'm like, come on. Are you fucking serious? Yeah, Darth Vader's in it again. They're like, remember the Death Star? Well, this time they can check this out. They get a super Death Star. We got a lot of changes for you. This time R2-D2, now he's a cone

instead of a fucking ball. We got girl Chewbacca. Bad guy's lightsaber is a thing Xena used to throw. They just changed the lightsaber. Yeah, yeah. They make somebody a girl or a black guy. Mace Windu. Mace Windu.

Only purple lightsaber for a Jedi. Only purple lightsaber for a Jedi or a Sith. Yeah, because he just asked for it. That's what he demanded. That's what he demanded. He wanted a purple lightsaber. He actually thought it was grape juice flavored. That's why he wanted it to be purple.

I want the purple one. Grape drink. You know, I was at the comedy store in L.A. one time, and I was doing this, it was like the open mic, so I was trying to work out a thing about how people get as mad about sexism as they do racism, and they talk about it in the same way, which is kind of unfair. Because, I mean, not that sexism is okay,

but if you're a heterosexual, you have this biological impulse to interact with people of the opposite sex, and it puts you into fucked up situations with them. It's not like I have an organ that tells me to fucking live with a black guy I fight with constantly. I'm having to deal with this bullshit complaint. It's like, hey, Nick. Nick. I'm like, what is it?

And he goes, what color are my eyes? Well, let me see them. I don't have to deal with that or whatever. That's not a bad bit. It's not a bad bit. But this black guy goes up after me. And he was like, well, that was some racist bullshit, huh? All black people talk like that?

And he's like talking like that. And he's also wearing a shirt for grape soda as he's saying this. It's like, you can't, you gotta be kidding. That's awesome. Yeah. God damn.

Well, he just didn't follow the logic. Clearly. Well, they have problems with that. Well, you know, they do.

And then he goes, he's like, anyways, you know, when, how many y'all like sex? That'd be great. All right. Hold on. And then he goes, he's like, anyways, you know, how many y'all like sex? That'd be great.

All right. Hold on. Shouts out the come boys that came out to McGoovy's Joke House. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Thank you for coming out, bros. Thank you for Comptown fans. Yeah. And actually, you know, we are doing well enough now that we could put together a tour.

Well, three of us are professional comics. I have enough connections to actually do. I would prefer to do like a small East Coast thing. Hit us up if you know about venues on the East Coast and that kind of shit. Let's do like rock clubs.

Yeah, there's a couple I know already, but that would be fine. Stav has gum on his shoe. Stav's actually filled with gum. He's not fat. He's a gumball machine. I'm Stav's actually filled with gum. He's not fat. He's a gumball machine. I'm the bubble boy.

He didn't know you couldn't swallow gum until he was 13 years old. It just stays in your colon. Is that true? No, it's not true. No chance. You shit it out the next day. It's not true. That has to be.

Let's eat nothing but gum and see what our shits look like. That's what happened. That's how the Mythbusters died. Really? They had a cum eating episode They were like Jamie says that I can't live off of his cum Do you see that episode of that guy's asshole? Or that picture of that guy's asshole?

No Is that a fake? What are you talking about? Like the Mythbusters guy Adam? Holding his asshole open The Goatsy? No, no, not Goatsy

Yeah, actually the guy in the Goatsy Was the guy from Mythbusters Was Adam from Mythbusters. Jamie has the most interesting look. That fucking, like... Beret mustache? Oh, no, it was the guy with the mustache. Yeah, the mustache guy.

Jamie's asshole. I think that picture's out there. They're like... Those guys are like... They're like the kind of guys that would be friends with Walter White in real life. Walter was real. That's who they would hang out with. Just the cool guys of the hobby store.

Right, right, right. If you just get old enough, people will forget that you were a nerd their entire life. Like, I have a mustache now. I've got to be cool. I've got earrings. Yeah.

Things that are horrible. Old men with fresh earrings. Yeah. Well, we've already filled the time. I feel like we're having fun now, so I don't know If we should cut it off Or We're not gonna have fun

Once you hit unrecord Cause in real life We hate each other's guts We're not even best friends With each other Yeah it's actually Important to say that That's why everyone

Was so mad at Opie and Anthony When they split up Is cause they Pretended like they were friends That's what Jim explained to us Yeah yeah Yeah

Which is And that's It's smart for Jim to do that because I went on Jim and Sam and he made it very clear that he had no interest in anything I was saying. Nick fucked my wife. I fucked your wife. Stav had this fucking investment thing that I put a bunch of money into. Yeah, it was a Ponzi scheme.

And he fucked me over. I'm fucking broke as shit, but now we just sit with when the microphones go on, then we're friends again. That's called show business, folks. Yeah, we're professionals. Alright, well, I'm gonna cut it off then. Thanks, guys.