The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 303 – Austin 4/3

Episode Date: March 16, 2022

I will be at the creek and the cave AUSTIN 4/3 only one show left, almost sold out, go here for tickets: http://mull.dog/creekaustin/ I forgot to plug these dates at the beginning of the show

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You started? Yeah, because we're on a tight schedule here. Just a glass of water, please. We're on a tight schedule here, boys. Stav please we're on a tight schedule here boys uh stavros gone gone again stav's gone uh we got a special guest filling in for stav today but he's barely barely those are i i think uh i don't know what to say. Say what? I think that you and I combined are a staff. Yeah, weight-wise. Yeah.

Because we both weigh about 115 pounds. Yeah, we're both skinny legends. Yeah. I don't know if that's an us problem or a him problem. Oh, nice, dude. You got the Comptown branded merch. You sold mugs, too, on the website? The original iteration, because I used to just do drop shipping.

So that's when I did those mugs. That's also when I did that gayest kid in school backpack. That one was pretty cool. That was fantastic. Yeah. I saw someone took a picture once of a guy going through customs with that backpack like an Australian guy that was the peak of this thing

it was truly just absurd the ways we could print money we make more money now but now it's like now we make money the way Netflix makes money nobody loves Netflix it's like I signed up for this thing I fucking forgot about it

we gotta give Obama a $50 million producer deal to get some new content up. But the gay... Charging people $70 for a gayest kid in school backpack. A plastic backpack. It's a $70 backpack that was

drop shipped from China. We were hanging out one time and you're like, I have to go, I have to autograph the gayest kid in school for a guy in Brooklyn. I went to Prospect Park and I signed someone's gayest kid in school backpack. You met him in the park? Yeah. In the bathroom?

I didn't even know they had bathrooms at Prospect Park. I don't know if they do. It sounds like you do know. I think they probably do. Ian knows the exact area of the park. I can give you the longitude and latitude of it right now. The men's bathroom with the luxurious stalls are in the Brambles. The good ones.

Yeah. They call me the Brambler. Yeah. I like to bramble around. How does that song go? I'm the kind of guy that sucks off guys in Central Park. They call me the Brambler. Is it the Rambler?

No, the Rambler. The Rambler. They call me the Rambler. No, that's a George R.R. Martin. Kenny Rogers is the Rambler. Yeah. Kenny Rogers is the Brambler. The Brambler, yeah.

Yeah. On a midnight train to nowhere, in the middle of Central Park, I was going to the bathroom, and a guy looked at me. He said, son, I made a lie. I'm sucking another guy's penis. Tap twice under the stall. Let me know. So the sign is two taps of the foot. So I handed him my bottle, my penis, and he drank down the last swallow.

Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light. Yeah, after you come with a guy in a bathroom, you slide a cigarette under the stall too. You do. To say a job well done. I don't know if it's taps. I don't know. I've never done that. Did you ever do the handkerchief code? No.

But I do carry a hanky. Well, that could have really intersected with your scar days. Do you know the codes? No, I don't know the codes. Yeah, it's like... The codes to Zion. I want the codes, Morpheus. You have the codes.

If you hold a... What does the red handkerchief mean? I think that meant you were into like rough. Like being rough. Oh, like bloody. Water sports. Isn't that just all gay sex? It's not like...

No one's having like fucking like... Tender? Tony Scott billowing fucking like satin curtains gay sex wind machine sex that's not happening no one's doing this two men is that tom cruise and and fucking val kilmer having take my breath away oh so well the way i imagine is one fellow's on a motorcycle then the other guy's sitting on his lap, but he's doing, like, cool teacher style over the chair. Yeah.

So he's facing him while his daddy or top or bull takes him around on the motorcycle. You know, you say no one's having that kind of sex, but you can be the change you want to see in the world, Nick. Yeah. Yeah. Nick's a romantic. That's why he's never crossed the threshold.

What threshold? Of sex with a man. Cool threshold. Oh, I guess. I'm retired. I feel like your dick should fall off when you turn 30.

I feel like that's it. I mean, your sex drive does. No. You still have a sex drive, but you don't want to use your dick. No. I mean, I guess I...

Well, I don't even know. I don't feel like I've been horny since I was probably like 17. You just sort of like fuck is something to do. You don't jerk off. Nah, almost never.

Do you jerk off at them? Out of necessity. The bare necessities. Yeah. I only have to do it... Bare necessities. I'm trying to get another revenue stream

because the podcast isn't going to be here forever. Yeah, we got to do something. I'm thinking maybe selling another revenue stream because the podcast isn't going to be here forever. Yeah, we got to do something. I'm thinking maybe selling pasta sauce or starting a moving company. That seems to be the way to go. I don't know. I've been wearing a... I've been doing

some chatterbait. Would you do Omegle or chatterbait if you were like a ski mask and no one knows you well omegle is just that's free right or i guess chatterbait is too but you can get a tip on it oh oh yeah yeah chatterbaits yeah yeah chatterbait is like you get tokens yeah yeah but you know if you're not into tipping, they still let you look. That's what I like about it. I like how it's tipping optional. Tipping is optional.

Yeah, that's what brings me to their service. This is the hottest apartment I've ever been in my entire life. Well, you just rode your bike here. Yeah, it's really not that bad. It's probably 67 degrees. Really? Yeah. I have a thermometer in the kitchen.

I can fucking look it up. Yeah, yeah. I'm sweating. Ian came from a doctor's appointment. Everything's all good. Yeah. It's from the... I have a thermometer in the kitchen. I can fucking look it up. Yeah, yeah. I'm sweating. Ian came from a doctor's appointment. Everything's all good at the doctor? Yeah. It's 75 degrees in here. Oh.

Oh, it's like... On like a 65 degree day. I guess so, yeah. It's a slight temperature shift. Some like it hot, you know? That's what we call it, this place. I think that was the name of my high school yearbook. Some like it hot, you know? That's what we call it. I think that was the name of my high school yearbook. Some like it hot.

Yeah, that's right. Because you went to a cross-dressing high school. Did you guys have names for your yearbooks? I have no idea. I never bought a yearbook. Well, I was the class of 2005, so it was a foo-poo theme. Really? Yeah, we did a for us by us oh five style theme damn

no i don't think it was i think i'm making that up i wish i was uh i wish i was black yeah i wish i was black i got in a late night drunken argument with a fellow comedian friend of ours because i was it the night drunkenly said that said that and he he was like you're fucking mentally ill bro wait you said you wish you were black i was like yeah more than anything yeah yeah he was angry have you seen him he didn't like it no but i called him i was like is everything chill he's like yeah sorry i was drunk oh okay yeah wait was it the night I saw you? Maybe it was the night I saw you. Adam had a rough trade tryst with a fellow comedian.

Yeah, you know. It got weird, folks. Remember that? There was like a decade of Los Angeles comedy that's like, not to be weird. Yeah. Sorry for being super awkward and weird right now. Well, that was the Pete Holmes weird. Yeah. Sorry for being super awkward and weird right now. Well, that was the Pete Holmes podcast.

Yeah, and then all of those people turned out to be sexual criminals. Predators. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They really made it pretty weird. Not to be weird, but I happen to be a huge fan of zombies in Batman, and I have raped 15. Not to be weird, but I am going to rape you by the end of the night. Not to be weird, but there's a cute girl who's doing Improv 101,

and I chokeslammed her onto my futon mattress. And then, you know, I had my way with her. Yeah. And then I went to immediately did an open mic and did a bit about missing my bar mitzvah. Missing those salad days of my bar mitzvah. Wait, so hold on. my bar mitzvah. Missing those shallow days of my bar mitzvah. Wait, so hold on.

Is it the... Dude. What? I mean, I think that's a pretty PG-13 or PG kind of like, oh, we're just hanging out. We're doing wild takes. And I was like, oh, we're just hanging out. We're making wild,

we're doing wild takes. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I wish I was, I wish that more than anything. Yeah. And what was his response? He was like,

you're fucking weird, man. That's fucking weird. What? Yeah, it was like, not a serious, I don't think I'm going to meet a wizard one day who's going to turn me

into a black man. I don't think it's something that's possible in the material world. You know, how when you meet a genie and they're like, you could have three wishes, but you can't wish for this. One of those, like, you can't wish to be black.

You can't wish to be black. I wouldn't switch any. Definitely being white is the best one. Yeah, of course. We all know that. Yeah, that's why. For coolness, black. No, I've always said if I could change form,

I would have to be some kind of nebulous sort of gas or energy ball. I think I said literally before I'd prefer to be like a poisonous cloud. Like in the show Lost. That just sort of seeps under doors. A murderous cloud.

Like an Alex Mack of evilness. What is that? You remember Alex Mack? The hot chick that could that? You don't remember Alex Mack? I remember him. The hot chick that could go into silver goo and go underneath doors. Damn. Remember she was running from school and she stepped in nuclear sludge? It was a Nickelodeon show. I loved the silver glue.

Yeah, she was hot. Never pulled your... Dr. Eugene Goo. Remember that guy? Yeah. He was a big... Mr. President, you're a freaking dummy people like get goo him goo that guy when he'd goo trump he got good trump just got goo he just got goo is such a funny name dude

there was another goo that like defected. There's that goo that... Eileen Goo. Yeah, Eileen Goo. Another goo over there. Eileen Goo. Yeah. She's, she's, I'm saying this only because she's 18 and of legal age, but she's a... What? She's a hot traitor. Who?

She's this girl that's really good at freestyle skiing. Adam, 35 years old, describing an Asian 18 year old. That is one hot traitor. That is one sexy Benedict Arnold. This is weird. I'm 35 and I'm attracted to an 18-year-old skier. I'm not 35 for the record. If I could get a look at that pussy, that is one cool customer.

Yeah. What's her name? Irene Goo? Eileen Goo. She's really good at freestyle skiing. She's really not particularly attractive. She's pretty hot. She's like Brooklyn Normal. Yeah. She's really not particularly attractive. She's pretty hot. She's like Brooklyn Normal.

No, she's not. This is just... All these pictures are her wearing goggles and a helmet. Adam's like, she's the hottest. She's not. Come on, bro. It's not from the goggles. She's not unattractive in the slightest.

But to like... She's a good looking girl. To publicly label yourself a borderline pedophile for the sake of this woman. Being attracted to this woman who's in parkas and ski gear. I'm saying that she's attractive. You got spiders in your brains, dude.

You do. Why spiders? Because I've just been thinking about being a black guy my whole life. I can't think about a girl's age. Yeah, you got the green mile. You want to be a black guy so you can punch her and get away with it. No, Ian, you didn't have to take it there. I tried to make Adam black, boss.

This is how Adam becomes black. I tried to make him black, but the flies couldn't do it. They couldn't do it, boss. He killed me with flies. It's okay, John. Anyway, she's this girl from California who basically competes for China. She competes for China in skiing.

We have Chinese people. We have Chinese traders. California. We're gay. And a lot of people are pissed off about that. Wait, because she's from California and she's skiing for China? She skis for China.

She defected to go ski. So you're attracted. I think she lives in America. You're attracted to a 17 year old. The State Department fucking took away her citizenship. I'm attracted to the fact that she's playing for the winning team. That's what I'm attracted to. No, she didn't even win, dude.

What are you talking about? She got the fucking gold, bro. No, she didn't. Yes, she did. No, you're just... Here's a picture of her biting her gold did. No, you're just being great. Here's a picture of her biting her gold medal. Your eyes are clouded by love. No, it's not about love. It's about the fact that she's smart and she knows. You want her to go skiing and grab onto your pole.

No, she's trying to eat the medal. I thought these people were supposed to be smart. She read the tea leaves and she knows that America is in its decline. She's now skiing for China. And I'd love to podcast for China anytime. She's an American-born freestyle skier, two-time Olympic gold medalist, and model. Native name? You can't even read her name.

Oh, she's a model. She's competed for China in half-pipe, slope-style. Oh, no. In big air events. Zipper run. Yeah, right. Oh, no. Slope-style. Zipper run. Oh, no. Slope style.

Well, we're clicking on that. And it's a winter sport where athletes ski or snowboard. Yeah, it's like where you do rails. It's ski slopes. Yeah. Okay. I was confused. Well, it's where you do like tricks and stuff on the slopes.

Can someone Photoshop a picture of her on skis in Tiananmen Square? Very funny, because you know what? Half pipe is also sort of a slur for a Chinese guy. You know? I don't know about that. So half pipe, slope style. You can go, there's a lot of stuff. There's a lot of stuff in here.

That's very funny. Well, I just think... What other teenagers are you attracted to adam um you know that's that's about it i just said that she was uh that she was attractive i didn't say that i was attracted to her and i don't know why i'm still defending this point because i feel like i it's not really a hill to die on. That is weird, though, hanging out and just being like, yeah, whatever. And someone would be like, not cool. Fuck you. What do you mean?

Oh, for saying that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know, man. I didn't mean to really bring it up. It's kind of, but yeah. I got, I, yeah. I got... Yeah. I apologize to everyone.

I apologize to the people of China. She got $30 million in Chinese endorsement deals. Yeah, that's why she did it. She did it because she knew she'd be a massive celebrity there. Yeah. It's smart. Very smart. And she'll probably get a book deal.

Aileen Gu, very smart. You think she did the voice? What? You think she did the voice while she was Gu, very smart. You think she did the voice? What? You think she did the voice while she was over there? Yeah, of course she did the voice. They're like, oh, thank you. You know? No, I don't know. What voice?

Do you think she did the voice? Of course she did the voice. All right. She speaks Chinese. Yeah. You know that NBC show, The Voice? I finally got around to watching that. Not what I thought.

Completely different. I was fucking, you know. You thought Shane Gillis won season two? I thought Shane. But Shane doesn't do The Voice. He doesn't do The Voice. He just said chink. He just said the slur.

Yeah. He goes to Shane on that show being like, yeah, what is this? Where they keep the chinks? And then fucking Howie Mandel is like, I got it, dang you. It's close, but you're supposed to do the voice. That's the premise of the show.

It's not the word. It's not the word. The show isn't called the word. It's called the voice. Yeah. Yeah. And then Simon Cowell was like, the word it's called the voice yeah yeah and then simon cowell was like that was positively absolutely one of the worst examples of a bad thing so it's the reverse that i've ever seen

it was good a surprise twist from simon quote, the fag cow. My new, and then he has a cape that he just holds over the bottom of his face. Yeah, dude. Yeah, he's still doing his thing. I know I said it on the show, but old men, like old white guys, who were never in the military but love wearing like a hat, like they'll wear like a Navy hat for a specific ship. Like the medals on it, be like the USS Cavalier like like oh were you on that boat they're like now you know there's like the fans of the

old stolen Valor guys they love doing surprise twist reviews or like when they give like a tip to a waiter they love are you talking about those old guys love being like they're like I would like to speak to the manager, please. And then make the waiter stand there and the manager comes over and he's like, this young man gave us the best service. And I want you to shake his hand. That's totally a kind of guy.

They love doing that. They're like this all gravitas towards, you know, yeah. Just wasting everyone's time's just wasting everyone's wasting everyone's time this is like dumb reveal thing because they have to like getting him scared also yeah right getting him thinking that he's gonna lose his job those guys love that the fucking and then and then it's like that's just that's like another day at bob evans they go try different you know they go to bob evans do that there bob's a big boy

dude i miss that i miss our old pal the fucking the gossip of hardy's yes fbi i would like to report uh uh i would like to report the waiter at bob evans i like for what and he's like for making the best damn meal they're like oh it's just this is ronnie isn't it he's like yes it is good to hear i'll talk to you tomorrow all right i'll we'll talk to you later ronnie that's so funny dude thanks thanks for saying that i love just in case the people at home are like why am i still paying for this show well this is the free episode it doesn't matter for it they do i've got i've hacked into the why am I still paying for this show? Well, this is the free episode. It doesn't matter. They don't have to pay for it. They do.

I've hacked into the bank accounts of everyone that listens to this show. It is true. If you want to keep continuing the free episode or enjoying the free episodes, we do need a little bit of personal information. Yeah. Yeah, we got really tanked quality of this show, so people aren't, you know, I don't know more of that they're like why is the show ending how long are you gonna keep the show going for uh about the month yeah

trying to yeah we're trying to do maybe we want to be out by the end of the year maybe three weeks because it's like we did the math on it and with the amount of money the show makes we're gonna have to do it for another decade to have Eileen Gu money. To have... To have Gu Chinese... She wouldn't even... To have the Puku Gu. At this point, she wouldn't even look at me.

Yeah. Yeah. She'd be like, I'm dating a... She's like, I'm dating a... A peasant? No, just like a fucking...

One of those like royals of like a small... You're like a Luxembourg duke or something yeah yeah you know what could be cool is like learning chinese and going over to china and like living in like you know some like fucking chinese ass place oh no one speaks english woods no one speaks english yeah just like an ewok village basically and but you know you nailed it and then you hire a film crew to come over and do like a documentary on you and then you're going around you've already established a relationship

with like all the chinese people so you speak chinese to them but then to the film crew you're like yeah this is my best friend we hang out all day and then you're just doing the voice in english to the film crew and no no one's the wiser and it's just four and a half hours of that. Have you explained your life in fucking Chinese village? Those little teddy bear people? Could you go? Could you have a rudimentary knowledge of Chinese, go over there, live in one of those villages

for like two to three months and survive? Yeah, probably. Yeah? What do you mean survive? Would they be all right with you being there yeah they're human beings yeah of course and they'd be doing pranks on you the whole time they'd be dying of laughter they might think you're like fucking yeah weird and make fun of you yeah you know they'd be talking shit on you but they wouldn't fucking kill you very few people

are actually evil you know most people are assholes. The vast majority of people are fucking mean-spirited assholes. But very few people are actually evil. You know what I mean? I think the majority of people are good, but the assholes get the magnifying glass on them. The magnifying glass.

Society's magnifying glass. Society's magnifying glass. Go off. Hold on. Go off on this magnifying glass. Society's magnifying glass. Yo, listen. Go off. Hold on. Go off on this magnifying glass. But somehow work in my bookies. They get the magnifying glass and the rest of us are the ants. You know?

The good guys. Right? No. And they harness the power of the sun. We see them through the magnifying glass, which makes the ants look bigger. Yeah. But at the end of the day, they're just ants. You know what's funny?

Is it like money can't buy happiness or whatever? But now that I'm rich, I'm definitely a nicer person to people. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I used to be way meaner when I didn't have money. Now, you could say that's just a function. Because you were bitter? You could say that's just a function of emotional maturity, so that I got older.

I think that coincides with you getting older. But I have friends that have gotten older that have continued to struggle, who have become even more bitter and angry. Of course. Of course. And worse people. Yeah. Like less, yeah. So money can, in a roundabout way, buy you happiness

because it allows you to, you know, have more patience with life. So this is your argument for universal base income? No, it's my argument for being rich. If you want that, you've got to make yourself. You've got to find a way to produce something that society needs. Yeah, and you can only be rich

comparatively. Or you go to mybookie.ag. Okay, that's how you get rich. And that's how you get happy. You go to mybookie.ag. Okay, that's how you get rich. And that's how you get happy. You go to mybookie.ag and let's see if they sent me. Oh, I just want to say I was rich in retweets. Thank you for mentioning that tweet of mine on the podcast or whatever.

We still got to pay you. We owe you a lot of money. Yeah, you do owe me a lot of money. I'll be taking Stav pay for this episode. Yeah, might as well. All right, so here's the deal, guys. Yeah. You go to mybookie.ag, you get 100% sports welcome bonus.

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You ever do VO auditions, Ian? Yes. I used to love doing those. As much as I hated... I hate... When I had... Were you with... Was it CSD?

Yeah, CSD. No, no, no. I was with Abrams. I was with CSD. Yeah. And I hated doing on-screen camera auditions i despise them i love in in room on camera yeah i booked the room if i don't get the gig the director or producer would hit me up later for something else amazing and now everything's self-tape you get sucked you would

get booked a lot but i hated that but doing voiceover stuff i loved i loved it's fun yeah it's voiceover is way more fun doing like a fun voice yeah because i feel like i would look absurd if i did a voice like on camera but when it's just a voice you know and you're alone in your room no i would go in oh you would do oh i thought you meant during the pin no dude i would always go in no they dropped me. CSD dropped me. It's funny because I had different representation for onscreen and voice. And then after the IBM thing, that agent never spoke to me again on camera.

But the voiceover people were always way more chill anyways. Would you still do voiceover? Yeah, it's not worth it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's like the amount of money is... Did you ever get those reads for where it was like, this is a product

that makes you happy? MyBookie.ag. Dot A-G. Dot G-A-G, by the way. Because, sorry, what were you saying? They, it's,

with the voiceover stuff, they would be like, this is a product that makes you happy, grateful, and excited. This is something that brings you together with your family and makes you go, and excited this is something that brings you together with

your family it makes you go huh life is simple but life is sweet these tostitos are you like what yeah no i love when they make you do like the quick reading stuff uh you know like with like you know like like uh like insurance spots or whatever oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, yeah, you got to get all this in. Yeah, in like 30 seconds. It's like two pages of stuff. With double your money, and you can double your winnings with Best Bookie Buddy, but you need to be able to, you know, like that kind of shit.

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Place your bets and get ready for unmatched excitement of the Super Bowl. It was a month ago. Bet anywhere, anytime. I can't find the new copy. Adam, please. Do you have... For next year's Super Bowl. Do you have other ads? Your team... Your team might have missed the big game

this year, but my bookie's double deposit bonus. You could just do stuff like that. Can we hear Adam? Who would you use? Sign up at mypenis.info. My bookie from war, me or Nick? What do you mean? All right, Ian, you try.

Your team might have missed a big game this year. No. But my bookie's double deposit bonus. Make sure you won't. Sorry, that's $2,000. Sign up at my bookie now. That's true. First of all, I can immediately pinpoint that you're from the Mid-Atlantic.

Sign up at my bookie now. Can I tell you? Fucking, it's like, there's no, no. You gotta, you gotta. I've gotten so many emails that are like, can you please get rid of your Mid-Atlantic accent? Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah it's hard it's fucking hard because it's not so hard yeah oh my god unless you do another accent you know

yeah i did dude i got a heineken commercial during the pandemic voiceover heineken beer tastes fucking really good yep Yep. I had to... They had to coach me through it like a million times. Don't miss out. Head to MyBookie and double your first deposit. Up to $1,000. Dude, I'm crying. Up to $100,000 using promo code Comptown.

I've gotten so many fucking messages. I'm just looking at Eileen Gu's Instagram. This is Adam chasing Eileen Gu around China. She goes to Stanford. She's not in China.

Eileen! Yeah, I mean, just like legs wobbling on a set of skis. You've been waiting to send that, you know, to use that fucking Benny Hill theme the whole time. What's that? You were like, your plan coming here was like, I'm going to work the Benny Hill theme. Yeah, I got a whoopee cushion in my house,

but the cat bit into it and wouldn't blow up. The cat bit into it. We learned last week that the Whoopi Goldberg's name came from her literally shitting her party. Yeah, she said that sometimes when I was on stage, I didn't have time to go to the bathroom.

So I would just bust out my ass. I would fart out of my ass. It was because she farted so much Legitimately we're not making this up They called me whoopie They said you whoopie That's not a character you made up I swear to god

It's on her wikipedia Is there a clip of her saying that No it's on her wikipedia It's on her wikipedia Someone had to have made that up after her whole recent debacle. There's no way that's real. No, no, it's... For her to use that as her professional name.

And thank you, Ian. How I got the name. Alright, let's hear it Doreen wants to know How did you come up with the name Whoopi Goldberg Your name is something really beautiful as I remember Well no my name is Karen Karen that's right

Karen Johnson like the Tupperware I'm so pleased to be here I've brought the most wonderful Tupperware for you. No, I'm a farter. We had a small theater in San Diego called the San Diego Rep. And it was that big. And there was no backstage. And so if you had to let it go, you had to let it go.

Oh, that's funny. And so people would say, you're like a whoopee cushion. And so I was whoopee cushion. That's hilarious. Whoopee cushion. And then my mom said a whoopee cushion. And so it was whoopee cushion. That's hilarious. Whoopee cushion. And then my mom said, you know, whoopee cushion. Nobody's going to take you seriously being called whoopee cushion.

And I said to her, oh, great neighbor of the stars. What should I use? She said, well, you might as well use one of the family names. Use Goldberg, see what happens. So Goldberg is a family name. But Emma did that. My mom did that. She said, try that.

Your mother was great. She was great. I really liked her a lot. I'm a foreigner. Her name comes from... I'm a foreigner. And then using a Jewish name to get further in the industry. Yes.

That's what her mother is saying. Sucking dick and eating ass. Your last name can't be Kashan. It has to be Goldberg. I will name you. Don't miss out. Head to MyBookie and double your first deposit. All right, give me another read.

MyBookie.ag, promo code ComptownComptown20. ComptownComptown20. They get a 100% bonus up to $1,000 plus 10 more dollars. I want you to imagine this little website was white. It was a whites-only website. Sorry, I just took a sip of water. You took a piece. I took a piss of water. I took a piece.

I took a piss of water. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Damn. My CPA dropped me, and I got a new one, but through my bookkeeper and i've never talked to this there's somebody that just did my taxes yeah and then took money out of my account i have not spoken to them directly and i don't know if that's like good or bad did they do a

good job i have no idea i never look at my tax return Read this commercial copy for deodorant. It's comedic tone. No, no, no, no free, no free. It's not a real product. Don't say the name. Teen slash adult commercials on camera. All right, let's hear it. Showcase. Let's hear it.

Commercial copy, serious tone. Headaches. We all get them. We all wish they would go away. There is a solution. Boop! I just take two and there's no more tension, no more throbbing, no more pain.

My headache, completely gone. Okay, and then here, this is a sneaker company. It's a mindset, a focus, a deep-seated spirit. It's an inner strength to keep your feet planted firmly on the ground, no matter what presses against you. It's confidence. It's belief. It's a way of life.

It's the brand. I don't want people knowing about Nike. I don't want people finding out about Nike. I can't. No. I'm not giving Nike free reads. This one's for Pine Sol. I'm not giving Nike free reads This one's for Pine Sol

Whoever said that a smell Can bring back a flood of memories I'm a little too hot Can I try one? No Let me send this to you What are you guys saying? Would you hire me? Yeah of course I'd hire you bro

Nike You like sneakers? I got a pair of sneakers for you right here, faggot. I'm going to sneak up behind you and fuck that ass. Let's do this one again and maybe not the don't say the faggot part. Hey, you bunch of fucking. Yeah, yeah. Nike.

Sir. Nike. Yeah, we got shoes that aren't just for guys that fucking line up outside the mall. Here, I'll do Nike. Ready? It's a mindset, brother! A focus! A deep-seated spirit! Fired. Fired. Fired.

Please! I can do it again! It's a mindset, bitch! A focus! A deep-seated spirit! You might get it. An inner strength to keep your feet planted firmly on the ground. It's a mindset. You should bring me and we should do competing auditions.

Dueling auditions. Go in at the same time and just frustrate the sound engineer. It's a mindset. A focus. It's a way of life. It's a mindset. A focus. A deep-seated spirit. It's an inner strength. It's a mindset A focus It's a mindset A deep seated spirit

It's a mindset It's an inner strength It's a focus It's a mindset It's a belief in a real life Alright can I try? Please senor You have to wear the sneaker

Please Please senor My car You make it a sneaker Neither of you get the job Okay can I try? Yeah Listen up, brother.

No. You already did Macho Man. You already did Macho Man. Oh, fuck. And it bombed. No. If I recall correctly, it bombed. No.

You thought, you were like, hey, Nick, why don't you fucking softball it to me? Why don't you do your read? And I'm like, all right, I'll try it out. Oh, yeah. Watch this. It's chess. It's not chess.

Yeah, I was planning my next move ahead of time. No, that's checkers. Oh, fuck. Okay this. It's chess. It's not chess. Yeah, I was planning my next move ahead of time. No, that's checkers. Oh, fuck. Okay, here we go. Chess is that I already secretly have a deal with Nike. And then I was like, don't worry, I'll gaslight Ian into thinking he's replacing Stobb this week. You just have somebody send him the copy, and we'll work the Nike reading. Yeah, this has been a ruse.

This is never being released. Here, Adam, read a deodorant. I'm going to do the wipes one. Oh, the wipes. Ever sit on a toilet and have that never-ending wipe? Well, those days are over. Morgan Freeman? No, that's not a very good one.

Well, those days are over. Do that, but talk quieter. Ever sit on the toilet? No, talk quieter. Quieter, bring it down. Ever sit on the toilet and have that never-ending wipe? You're making your voice crackle. You're like a frog in his throat.

Ever sit on the toilet. Ever sit on the toilet. Ever sit on the toilet. And have that never-ending wipe. The first time I sucked. Hello, Clarice. Well, those days are over. Have you ever sat in a toilet? Have you ever worn a pair of Nikes?

It's a belief. A focus, Clarice. Okay, I'll do the Pine Sol one. Pine Sol. Do Pine Sol's Ace Ventura. Pine Sol's a cleaner. Okay, this is my Ace Ventura. And what could be cleaner? Whoever said that the smell.

The ovens at Auschwitz. That's good, Jon Hamm. Yeah. What are you saying, Don? We need to do a Nazi version of Pine Sol? Pine Sol is the gas they use in the gas chambers. No, that's just a line from training day. He says the gas smells like Pine Sol.

I don't know. I was pretty pissed off watching that movie. That a white man would have a black boss. I didn't get to the end where you find out the black boss is bad. Yeah. I would have felt better. Yeah, that movie is about how you can't have a black boss. Sucking dick and eating ass.

Getting fucked in my mouth. All right, I'm going to do deodorant. This is how I would do the read. All right, do it. Whenever I feel like a sweaty slob, there's one assurance that gives me peace of mind. Deodorant. Just one wipe under each armpit,

and I'm good to go for days. Heck, I don't even need to shower for one whole week. That's how good this shiz is. This shiz. This shiz? Would you buy deodorant from that man? Huh? Would you buy deodorant from that man?

Uh, no. What? I wouldn't buy it from an ad. No, no, man. My mind is too strong. I was on the street and spoke to you like that. Would you buy it from an ad. My mind is too strong. If I was selling it on the street and spoke to you like that, would you buy it from me? Yes.

That's how good this shiz is. Actually, I smell pretty bad right now. Dude, I had to do one read where I was like a gay bear in a children's story. Like a 300 pound guy? No, no. Like a stuffed bear that was like gay out and proud

and one of the lines was like goodbye felicia it was like so stereotypical what they would think like a gay character would be wow bye felicia who's like that's the thing that's what i love about commercials the people that make commercials are the most out-of-touch, fucking overpaid, untalented losers in the entire world. Totally. Oh, yeah. The worst. Well, it's the creatives at the company.

Yeah, right. And you go in there, and it's all like fucking like, yeah, Cheerios are on fleek. It's like, yeah, it's 2021. How are like fucking like yeah cheerios are on fleek it's like yeah it's 2021 how are you fucking like yeah nick and i well nick nick brought me on a couple jobs so we used to pa on commercials uh-huh and uh yeah those people that are running the show there are just the absolute worst people i had to drive some bitch there's some like estee lauder like fucking global marketing or i forget which makeup company was but she said you know we struck up a conversation she's in the car and it's like you know she's only a car 30 minutes and you can tell that this is like this is someone that has never once in their life thought like

how's the bill gonna get paid ever right right just fucking she went to some bullshit school got like a communications degree yeah fucking had a job i had like a girl like a fake rich girl job set up for her like i just well i like makeup and skincare so then i got the job as you know like a c-suite fucking job like immediately is like you know saying like i like this makeup yeah i like it let's do yeah we'll go and like what if the commercial is in milan and it's a woman and she's wearing makeup we'll find an we'll find an ad agency to do it let's just use one of the three biggest ad agencies there is and they'll make the same commercial that they've been making for 50 years and then milan and it's in Milan. And it's in Milan.

And I get paid $600,000 a year, which is good because I'm like earning my own money now. I'm like 32 and I'm finally earning my own money. My dad cut me off. Oh my God. And it was the best thing that ever happened. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Because it's like, you know, I mean, it's like, yeah, I asked my parents for support. I understand a lot of people don't have that, but how am I supposed to afford $8,700 a month in rent? For a one-bedroom in the West Village. Yeah, to live directly on the park. Dude, I was just talking to a friend catching up,

and I was like, oh, how's so-and-so? And they're like, oh, they just bought a house. I'm like, huh. What are they doing? So I'm like, oh, they just bought a house. I'm like, huh. With what? What are they doing? Well, I go, did her, you mean her parents bought it? Did someone die? Yeah, I think that goes without saying.

I was like, oh, well, that sucks. And this is a person that's very like. Useless. Yeah, but also very like left on the side of like, we need to, you know, people. Yeah, you can't fault it. You can't say like that's not hypocritical of need to you know people yeah you can't you can't fault you can't say like that's not a hypocritical of them to have those opinions that's good if they're a rich person they understand those things that's good that's not the people you fault it's this fucking like makeup lady that's like you know you know shit i mean i don't know

you know i'm also just probably just fucking criticizing i have no idea what her politics are we didn't have any conversation about it but yeah i mean if it's like well no no i'm like this person also uh in like a taiwanese owned coffee shop years ago in a taiwanese coffee shop listen to me i know but i'm trying to understand what words you're saying like like it was a small business this guy and his dad owned this like coffee shop. Really small. This guy is Taiwanese. Yes. The people that own the coffee shop.

Everything I said, I take back. She is not Taiwanese. Oh, okay. Taiwan trash. Taiwan is China. Taiwan is China. You mean a Chinese-owned coffee shop. It's a Chinese coffee shop.

No Taiwan. Yes. And so... I saw the voice. Coming up next on The Voice. Taiwan. Okay. Vietnamese.

Yeah. Fucking just Howard Mandel. Nailed it. Perfect. Randy Jackson Fucking just Howie Mandel. Nailed it. Perfect. Randy Jackson. You got the sauce. You putting the sauce on the flavor. You know what I'm saying?

You got the flavor. You putting the sauce on top of it. I love what you're doing, brother. Oh, man. So what happened with this girl that has a house now? So it was this coffee shop. And I used to go there a lot. I saw her in there.

I sat. We talked for a little. And then I left. And the next time I went back, the guy was like, hey, do you know that girl? Yeah. You were talking to her. I go, yeah. And he goes, can you do me a favor?

She wrote a really long negative Yelp review on our shop and it's, can lead to like hurting our business. Can you ask her to take it down? And I was like, Oh Jesus Christ. Yeah. But it's like, she's rich and purports to like be this,

you know, we need to help out these la la la. And then like, she's writing bad Yelp reviews about... And she's Taiwanese? Am I being punked? No. She's white.

Is she hot? Also, real quick, is she hot? Yeah, bluechew.com. What? Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. Well, good for her that makes sense right yeah yeah uh so that's not that's not somebody that's who would describe as a leftist yeah you just she's just a woman

you know these fucking feminist radicals. How does Randy Jackson continue to lose weight? He lost the weight 10 years ago, and every time... He looks sick. Yeah. How Randy Jackson lost 114 pounds after losing 382 pounds. He weighed 1,000 pounds. My man weighed 11 pounds. He weighed 1,000 pounds. My man weighed 11 pounds. So, BlueChew.com.

Yeah, BlueChew.com. What a company. What a website. BlueChew.com. Certainly wouldn't need BlueChew.com to smash... The Patriarch. Eileen Good. Eileen Good.

If you love sex, you're going to love this damn website bluechew.com and you can go there to find out if sex with a with a chewable tablet is right for you now you might be confused by that copy you're not having sex with the tablet you're having sex with a woman or a man but you're chewing down this sildenafil and tilatafil which are generic versions of Viagra and Cialis. What's included? You talk to 100% U.S. licensed medical providers. Prescriptions, they give you a consultation for sildenafil or telatafil. Professional ED-focused medical support, no waiting rooms, no appointments. additional ED-focused medical support, no waiting rooms, no appointments, 30 or 45 milligrams of sildenafil or 6 or 9 of tidalafil.

We still can't say those damn words. Tidalafil. And listen, guys. I got to re-up the Bluetooth. Do you use it? No, I used to. I felt like it had a positive effect on my circulation. Really?

Yeah, in general. Huh. Why don't they talk about that in the copy? Because you can't say that, because it's a medicine. So it's for a specific thing, I think. In fact, I should probably not even say that. Yeah, that's a claim that Blue Chew does not stand by. I only took the Sedena. I took the Cialis one.

Which is the 36 hour guy. The Viagra one, I took one time and it felt like I was having an allergic reaction. Because it makes everything kind of swell. It felt like my nose was trying to get hard. I get hot ears from blue shoes. Do you take the black or the gray? I'm so afraid of having a heart attack if I take it. No, I think it does the opposite.

Huh. Dude, I started taking... Do you have high blood pressure? Yeah. I have to fucking, like, really manage my shit, but I started taking that, like... I have high cholesterol, too. That COQ10 shit?

Just daily? I don't know. It's some fucking enzyme. But, like, immediately.'s like it's like on average like it's like a four or five you know point drop really yeah yeah it really works huh yeah that in a combination with like i really like cut down coffee like i only do like it's in the morning a couple of coffees in the morning that's my. I stopped vaping. Stopped vaping and then like, I mean,

obviously no more cocaine. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, here's the deal,

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It doesn't have to be expensive. It doesn't have to be embarrassing and it doesn't have to be inconvenient. You have it shipped directly to your door that means no visits and awkward conversations with the pharmacist it comes in discreet packaging which you can hide immediately the second your your girlfriend wants to go check the mail you could push her back into

the apartment and then run down to the mailbox and tell her that you were waiting on a gift for her. But in some ways, it is a gift for her, and it's a gift for you too. So, I don't know. I don't really have the copy, but you may have heard of this product on Pardon the Interruption or the Love Hour podcast or Comptown podcast, which you're listening to right now. So, go over, talk to a licensed medical professional, come up with the plan that suits you the best. I would suggest it's the 30 pills a month plan. Oh yeah, brother. And that's, what is it? That's the pro deal. And so for only $120 a month, you can get a 45 milligram, you can get 34, 45 milligram sildenafil chewable tablets, which is more than the days of the month.

So that's great. So if you use our promo code, it's Comptown or Comptown20, what you get is you get your first month absolutely free. You just pay for the shipping. Tell them Comptown sent you. And tell your girlfriend or boyfriend that Comptown sent you. Gave you that rock-hard confidence in the bedroom that you've been lacking your entire life. Is that good? Your entire life entire life yeah that was good yeah i've been i've been lacking that just suck my dick and eat my ass so ian what do you think about this uh fuck my mouth and fuck my ass about this war. Man. It's controversial, but I think it's bad.

Yeah. The Ukrainians or the Russians? Oh, I thought we were talking about against the feminists. Oh. Right, fellas? I didn't realize. Someone bump my mic. Yeah, bump.

Woo! Anyway.? Yeah, bump. Woo! Anyway. All right, cool. So that's Politics Hour. Let's go through and read some of Ian's tweets. Oh, no. Wait, how did that tweet come up? Because I sent it to Nick and Sam.

I said, you made a good-ass point. I said, look at this good good ass point our boy made. For a second, I was like, oh, cool. And then I realized I was being mercilessly mocked. I was like, oh, fuck. No, we just told them to retweet it. I loved all the responses.

We just told them to retweet it. I thought it was so funny. It was very funny. Yeah. The best tweet you ever did was the one with the pen and legislation dude

you fucking fag because of Republicans whatever all jokes aside true I don't know I don't know. I don't know what the point was.

Like 2015, it'll just randomly show up on someone who'll be like, like. The pen and legislation. Nah, I thought that was so funny. Having a hard time daily trying to process what a vile piece of shit shake is from Love is Blind.

Yup. I'm not watching that show right now. Are you? No, I'm not watching it. Why? I am watching this other show with my girlfriend currently on Netflix called Byron Bays. What?

And it's a show about... It's like Hype House, but Australian. What's Hype House? It's a show about influencers in America, but this one is a australian uh-huh and uh these people are great they're like yeah they like they're like they're accused like we know your followers are fake we know you bought them like i ran your i ran your

account through our software and you have 600 000 followers in turkey and they yeah and then they live together no they they all live in different places but they yeah they all go at each other and it's just on top of all of that like they don't have the i mean even i think american influencers have some sort of process shame about like behind like using that as an identity as being like an influencer i think they try to like say it in a different way but these guys are australian so they have absolutely no shame right and they think that it's really cool yeah so it's really uh it's it's very entertaining what's it called byron bay byron bays yeah they all live in this uh

like what looks like the most stunningly beautiful place on earth. And, yeah, they're just, like, they're constantly accusing each other of being fake and stuff. So, wait, do they endorse products? Or, like, what is their social media presence? Yeah, they do those. I don't know. Yeah, they have, like have hookups and drama and uh it's it's really it's it's it's great because it's like a culture that's consuming american culture and then regurgitating it in like like it went through

like some sort of like ai software like there's something like alien about it like kind of off about it and so yeah it's just great like hearing them talk about like their followers and how they made everything to them. Followers and fags. I don't even know what you're talking about. I just heard the accent

and I jumped in. I wasn't paying attention. I've been taking care of some emails. He just goes into accent mode. It's a show I wasn't paying attention I've been taking care of some emails I was just popped up He just goes into accent mode Yeah, no It's a show about Australian influencers Coming up on Australian Voice

The Voice, Australia Hi, my name's Clint I'm from the Gold Coast And, you know, yeah I guess I'll go ahead and give it a shot here So Oh, good day, mate. Good day, mate.

Good day, mate. Croaky bimbo. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hard to do Australian Chinese even for us which is what we hear normally. Australian African. Oh, I don't know. God damn it. It's

really good. Really good. Coconut Kangaroo. Really, really good stuff. Yeah, great stuff. Really just a heaps. Yeah, that was smashing. Heaps.

Heaps good, yeah. I would say it's, you're just doing the regular American, you know, African guy, and then saying, you know, crikey, bimbo, kangaroo, which bimbo, that part doesn't, that doesn't make any sense. Yeah, that doesn't track. It doesn't make any sense. Yeah. Why would you say bimbo?

Why would bimbo be in there? Well, you think people are over there in Africa just slutting it up. Well, no. I mean, we don't say it's not like bimbo is something we're saying. But like phonetically, it could be African. You actually call that in British? It sounds African. Hold on.

I'm going to cut you off right there. Adam is completely, he's fucking up the bit. No, I'm not. He doesn't understand. It's not that fucking Africans would say bimbo it's that you're doing

African voice and say Australian stuff I know so it doesn't make sense because bimbo is not Australian well you threw me off when you said coconut

you know because that's also African but that's what makes it African right so I thought the bimbo aspect

was you no I thought the bimbo aspect was you. No. I thought the bimbo aspect was you. Crikey, bimbo kangaroo. Yes. That's the Australian part. Okay. Coconut banana, that's just normal African guy stuff.

Or it could be Australian too. Sorry. I think I might go to Joe's Shackline a little bit. Get some soupy dumpies. Yeah. What if I did a reverse Mel Gibson and I just spent the rest of my life pretending to be Australian?

Yeah, would they get pissed off at that? No, but then I could like just deny... What if I did that? Now I'm Australian, but I guess I kind of already blew my load because I'm already a racist. You're ready to die in the Holocaust? Yeah, they already see me as like a...

But if I had been like... What if I had been Ryan Seacrest? Yeah. And then I'd start doing an Australian accent, and I'm like, the fucking Holocaust is fake. It's not real. Yeah. That's my opinion as an Australian man.

Right. And they'd be like, that's messed up. Where the fuck was Mel on all this shit prior to doing a racist impression of an American? Have you seen that video where the Cholo guy, like, taking a cell phone camera video of Mel Gibson changing his tire? Yeah. It's the best. It's amazing. It's the best.

I love it. Why are you out here alone? Why are you out here alone? Mel Gibson! Are you Mel Gibson? Are you Mel Gibson? Yes. Do you want to see an amazing photobomb?

Yeah, sure. Just suck my dick and eat my ass. But it's you photobombing Mel Gibson? No Wow, it is? Yes Wow, that rocks I'm on the record as being a big fan of his

I don't care what he believes in I just rewatched Apocalyptico Apocalypto? Apocalypto, yeah That movie is badass What did you call it? Apocalyptico? Apocalypto? Apocalypto, yeah. That movie is badass. What did you call it? Apocalyptico? Where's that from? Gayest kid in school comes through.

What is that? Mel Gibson's backpack? Apocalypto. Where's the photo bomb? It's in my favorites folder. I'm looking. I'm looking. Yeah, Apocalypto rocks, dude.

I am Jaguar Paul. It's so cool. Just suck my dick and eat my ass. Did I tell you? Wow. Wait, where are you? Wow. How'd you pull that off?

That's great. I was at a... Oh, and his liaison came up to me and was like, That's great I was at Oh and His like Really fun Came up to me And was like I just want to let you know

Mel loves your jacket Like he wouldn't compliment me What's the jacket Where was this Was it a wedding I think you told me this story Wait Mel Gibson was at the wedding Yeah

It was an anti-Semitic wedding Gene Simmons was there Whose wedding was this Taylor's Taylor Swift Uh huh Taylor K Taylor who K Why was Mel Gibson Gene Simmons was there. Whose wedding was this? Taylor's. Taylor Swift? Uh-huh. Taylor Kay. Taylor who?

Kay. Why was Mel Gibson at his wedding? Because his father-in-law is friends with Mel Gibson. Wow. Like a bunch of celebrities. Taylor's family knows Mel Gibson? Yeah. I didn't know that. He just seemed like a regular old guy to me.

A regular guy, yeah. Yeah, I should have given him a little bit more respect when he moved to New York. I miss that dude. Yeah, he's a cool guy. Yeah, he's... We talk every day. He's the best. Really?

Yeah. Chad, say what up. I'm fucking... Yeah, I just... He could fucking cry. I can't remember the last time I saw him. We had like lunch... He's like the funniest unintentional...

Yeah. One of the funniest things I've ever seen. He's like bad rich now, right? Yeah, he made like a bunch of money off like halfway houses. Halfway houses, yeah. Yeah, he made like a bunch of money off like halfway houses. Halfway houses, yeah. Yeah. Sober living facilities.

He moved out there and like started a business. Yeah, he owns a couple of halfway houses. They're great. Yeah, yeah. It's a great business. Yeah, that's like the thing. If you do get sober and you go through the halfway house system, you then understand how that business works. And it's just like, I guess, mad money.

Yeah, it's also you could have a business in a residential area because the americans with disabilities act yeah so you're like you and also it's not a rehab facility too so you basically just drug test them and then you have like a proctor it's a very regimented house like everyone has chores they go out and they like do volunteer work they go on these like you know like so i guess i lived in i lived in a i worked in a halfway house and i lived in it was called like a three-quarter house it was an oxford house so like we didn't have live-in managers but we all had like set times to be home and like

curfews yeah and like different roles in the house and weekly meetings and like you know certain rules and everything yeah and uh i i lived there for two years it's like super cheap too it's such a fun the halfway houses are very weird because it's like it it's it's like well they work obviously there's a difference between that it's like a very unique form of treatment like like substance or behavioral treatment. Yeah, it's like a step-down reintroduction society house. It really helps. And I think there should be tons of halfway houses

for people coming out of jail, people coming out of rehab. It's like a way to be... Probation is absurd. It's just like, we're just going to annoy you. If you're on parole or probation, it's like... Probation sucks. You're just going to live your life in fear. It's like more regimented, like, understanding long-term care.

All probation and parole are is like, we're going to make you spend two to five years having extreme anxiety about bus schedules. Yeah. That's it. That's all it does. And if you fuck up once, you're done. Exactly.

And then you have to go back to jail. Right. Yeah. It's terrible. But, like, the step-down unit is huge. Right. And, like have to go back to jail. Right. Yeah. It's terrible. But like the step down unit is huge. And like, dude, I saw guys,

we guys that lived with us got out of jail, whatever. And like, they got their lives together and the house gave them the structure that they, and also my house is like really good. So we had a lot of support from the other guys and everything. We called our house the,

the diamond of the North. Wow. Because if you lived in these houses in the city there'd be a guy like shooting dope in the room next to you smoking crack and you're like i don't feel oh so you did one outside the city i did one yeah i did one uh in newport delaware and the house i lived in was directly across the street from the house my mom threw me my 18th birthday surprise party at a bowling alley oh wow which is oh you're across the street from the bowling alley yeah so i had like an 18th birthday there with like all my friends the whole future ahead of me and then i

ended up in the halfway house across right across the street yeah you made it half a block yeah but uh no it was it was i guess there's a difference between halfway houses and sober living facilities. Yeah. I was in like, it was, well, they called it a three-quarter house because it was between a halfway house and like a full sober living. Sorry, continue on. What the fuck is this? No, no.

Nick and I were watching videos of the guy from Color Me Bad. Brian Abrams. Why? Brian Abrams. Why? Brian Abrams. I might buy a little cameo to promote. Oh, fuck, yeah. I'm in Austin for all the shows. Oh, dude, you sold out, right?

They sold out, but we're adding Sunday shows. If you're in Austin, Texas. Damn, I forgot. I should have done that. It's April 2nd, probably. Yeah, but can't you record and then cut it in? No, we're not going to do that. Come on.

We're not going to do that. I already sold out all the shows. We're adding Sunday shows. Well, can we do it with my dates? Sunday, Sunday for... Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! April 3rd, Austin, Texas. I'm at the Creek in the Cave. There's a 7 p.m. show. If that sells out, probably will.

We'll add a 9 p.m. show. God damn. If both of those sell out, then we'll see about maybe doing like a late show Thursday if that's possible, or maybe late show Friday, Saturday.m. show. God damn. If both of those sell out, then we'll see about maybe doing like a, like, either Late Show Thursday if that's possible or maybe Late Show Friday, Saturday, figure it out. Yeah, so go check that out.

But this is your big return, too. Yeah. Awesome boy does good. We'll see. We'll see if I can even do an hour. I have no idea. No, you'll be great. You could literally go up

and talk and people would fucking love it. I know. That's the thing is like, is... Which is good and bad. Now that, yeah, exactly. I'm like a YouTuber, like a youtuber basically yeah i mean it's like fucking bullshit it's not art yeah yeah it's what what people pay for is afterwards they get to like come out and repeat things to me from the show yeah the vip experience yeah call me gay or something okay

okay and then i smile and there's nothing in my eyes and take a picture. Yeah. And then, you know, I wake up and I say, is it worth it? You wake up screaming. Is it worth it? And you know what? The short answer is yes. Ultimately, yes.

Ultimately, yes. It is worth it. So, yeah, come out. Is it not a gift to bring joy to others? No, not even bring joy to others. I mean, it's like, you know, I definitely prefer to be doing this and, like, still, you know, working. Banging a hammer. Well, not even a hammer.

I never had, like, a fun hammer job. I had some fun hammer jobs. Yeah. Which one call it? Oh, I just, when's this coming out? Today. Oh. Today, yeah.

Cool. Next Friday, March 25th, I'm in Elmsford, New York. April 1st and 2nd, Vermont Comedy Club. Me and Jordan Jensen. Going to be a lot of fun. That'll be a good show. Yeah. She's great.

She's the best. She's been on the podcast. Yeah. She's a really good host. She's done a lot of fun. We love her. Yeah, she's fantastic. So me and her.

Love is a strong word. Okay. We love Eileen Gu. We like Jordan. I've met Jordan once. Respect the stand-up. We respect her as a comedian But not as a woman Whoa hey not cool

Why she's not gonna hear this shit April 1st and 2nd Vermont Comedy Club come on out Gonna be a lot of fun And Sopranos Prima Volta With me and Sam Roberts And Bye Guys You guys should come and do Bye Guys

That sounds great What did you say come and do bye guys. That sounds great. What did you say? Come and do black guys? Yeah. Where is that? Central Park. All right. Which one do we call?

Oh, iAnimal69 on Instagram, Twitter, Twitch. Yeah, check out his. Oh, and I also want to say thank you to everyone for being cool. The Comptown fans. That's where you go wrong. You can't do this. Don't do this. Because then they're going to start not being cool. The Comptown fans. That's where you go wrong. You can't do this. Because then they're going to start not being cool. Give any bum a cigarette

and ask me for a light. I'm just looking at pictures of Rihanna pregnant. And his face lost all expression. She's hot always. She's my number one. She might be my number one too. You gotta learn to play it right. If her and Eileen go...

You got to know when to hold them. You got to know when to fold them. You got to... How's it go? Yeah. Then you suck the dick and fuck me in my ass. That song is about embracing your boys. Yeah.

That song is awesome. I love that song because the song is about justbracing your boys Yeah That song is awesome I love that song Because the song is about Just being on some Bullshit train And the guy next to you Is like Can I drink some

Of your alcohol He's like Let me tell you something I've been a gambler My whole life And it's all about No one want to hold him No one want to fold him

And then he just sits there And dies That's how the song goes He dies in the song The fucking gambler Just dies on the train Sitting next to Kenny Rogers Yeah but that's what he's doing

He's imparting his wisdom That's his final act His final breath So Kenny Rogers could write a famous song about it I'm trying to remember the exact lyric And you know what The song's not just about poker It's about life

I didn't realize that I thought it was going to be a poker song And you know what? The song's not just about poker. It's about life. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't realize that. I thought it was going to be a poker song. Yeah. But really what it... And the flushes when you... It's about the game of life. The gamble of life.

Remember when I came over here and beat all of you in poker? It was great. I don't remember that. Is that when you shit your pants? I didn't shit. I sharted. You sharted. I sharted.

Which has happened to all of us. I sharted. And I sharted. About a year after. changed my underwear, and took everyone's money. Yeah, so every gambler knows the secret to surviving is no one wants to throw away, no one wants to keep. Because every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser. And the best thing you can hope for is to die in your sleep. Jesus. And when he finished speaking, he turned back toward the window, crushed out his cigarette, and faded off to sleep.

And somewhere in the darkness, the gambler, he broke even. But in his final words, I found an ace that I could keep. Damn. Yeah. Yeah, you're sad now, aren't you? No, I'm inspired. I thought that guy kept living. I want to get that tattoo. No, that's the gambler. I thought he kept living. No, when he breaks even. And he got that.

He won the binions. He breaks even when he dies. Somewhere in the darkness, the gambler, he broke even. Because he can't take it with you when you go. I would be down to play poker sometimes. Yes, I love poker. I like playing, yeah. I like it a lot.

The best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep. That's the best line in the song. I love that part. That's true. That is absolutely true. I don't really like poker. I like that part about dying in your sleep. That's true That is absolutely true I don't really like poker I like that part about dying That's your one take away

The best that you can hope for Is to meet a guy in the park How are we doing on time? Oh we're good When he finished sleeping He turned back toward the window Are you done Adam? Crushed out his cigarette

And faded off to sleep can you imagine how worse that song would be if it was an Australian song oh we're done what about