The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 305 – gays anatomy

Episode Date: March 30, 2022

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Oh my mama, oh my hood, I look fly, I look good, touch my dick, wish you could, touch my dick, wish you could, damn, I wish I could, I wish I could be put into a time machine and transported back to the glorious year of 2009, yeah that's when it was good, I was drunk out of my mind I had a dollar sign shaped into the back of my head, oh nine, yeah, Nick had his Shepard Ferry Obama Hope t-shirt on, dude I was a huge Obama boy, he was a big Obama head, I literally was, I remember the night he won when I was in college, like running to the White House, I actually didn't give a fuck at all, no I thought it was cool that Bush was in the president anymore, I was so hyped on that, you know I was a, I was a,

I was a poli sci major at the time, yeah, but I was in DC at the University of Maryland Baltimore County, we ran to the White House, we were shouting at the building we were like fuck you Bush, like fuck you, you have to leave now and then girls were showing their tits. I'm sorry, can we go back to what mine was? Okay, yeah go back to it, yeah. Modern Warfare 2, basketball sports. It's awesome.

Yeah, like, you know. You're in those shitty apartments, right? Yes, yeah. Comic's apartment. Yeah, H-E-B fucking door deal, they had the coupons at the door, the coupons would be a whole meal, so you get, you buy the fucking bread, you get the bologna and the mustard and the miracle whip for free. Okay, so you were a smart shopper.

I was a shopper smart. Even though miracle whip can suck my dick, you know, I'm not a miracle whip guy, it's too sweet. Back to me now. Wake, blacking out, waking up, having fucked with no recollection of it. Oh, that's cool, just smelling. Dick smelling mad. The night.

There's some beast on the floor of my rowling, also lying in a pile of clothes on the witch I slept, right, making up words left and right to sound poetic, that's fucking sick. Back to me 2009, all black fraternity, only white guy, flip up sunglasses over my glasses. What else? Wow. That's what you wanted to be called. Step team practice. Beta data, Jada.

Oh, fucking fraternity. God is that if I was the one hosting the Oscars instead of Chris Rock, I'd be like, he's got it wrong. There's actually three types of black people. There's damn and will Smith folks. Damn Gina. No. Yeah.

Damn Gina. They're damn Gina's will Smith and Chris Rocks. There's damn liars and politicians stomping the yard. Okay. Finally, he got it. What else was I doing 2009? Stopped the law. You were applying to grads or to law school.

No, I hadn't. I was gearing up for my second time taking the LSAT. Oh, were you? Oh, that's right. I forget you're seven years older than me and Nick. We're not seven years old. You're like, you're a senior citizen. I was born in 1987.

You were born 1989. Nick was born 1988. That's why we're the perfect trio. That's why people call us the perfect trio. It's funny that you are the older one because it's like, you know, when you're younger, you think you get older, you get wisdom and people respect you more, but it's like, no, the world is a young man. You do respect me in your own way.

In your own way. You do respect. I have baseline respect for every human being. I guarantee you don't lump me in with that if humanists, secular humanists, nonsense stuff. I do, and you can go plus or minus, depending on my humanity that inspires me, if I've met myself now, it doesn't look back at time. You think I go back in time and give myself advice.

If I could meet 20 year old me, I'd be like, listen, here's what you got to do immediately. I passed me would make this version of me cry. Yeah, yeah. Just relentlessly. Absolutely. Oh my God. Old you would have destroyed. See, that's this is a very, you're so sad.

You're getting sad at jackass because if I found 19 year old me, he would love me. Oh, now he would be like, he would be here. Oh, yeah. I would. He would start crying. Be like, what? Our life stops being gay. It's like you get you get to get pussy.

No. Now you get to do me would start crying and he would listen to everything I say with a notepad. Hold on. Let me. Let me make it clear, though. You don't. There's the separation between the two.

It's not like. Oh, you mean they're just guys. Yeah, I mean, if I went back and I told myself at 20, it's like, yeah, you know, like, you know, oh, you mean, you know, it's you. It's just personality wise, personality wise. It would not, you know, I think little me would love me. Honestly. Why?

Just because little fat guys love me, dude. Little 19 year old fat guys fucking to look up. Oh my God. It wouldn't just be like you're just fucking all the time and you have this absurd look. Used to be like kind of clean cut. No, he think I would look cool. You know what? I always had this in my heart.

I just didn't have the self esteem. You were kind of clean cut. You were. You were more Baltic. Like more Maryland. Yeah. Sure. Yeah.

You were like a nice shirt. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. You only you only let your hair grow out like two years. Pandemic. And that. But I was toothless for years.

Let's not go crazy. Yeah. That wasn't a choice. That only started. It was absolutely. It was because of John. What do you mean? You you were trying to get a tooth for years.

Once it was gone. It just wouldn't take. Once I was gone. Oh, you lost your temper. I waited for a while. You lost your temper. I lost my temper. I replaced it.

You lost your balls. That the house of cards comes. Don't even try because they didn't you. You lost. What is it? Did they come stumbling or tumbling to make your fucking mind up? Tumbling. You said stumbling, bitch.

I said he stumbled. He's a stumbler. You know, I'm a stumbler. You don't have me on the hook, bitch. Don't even think. You know, I'm a stumbler. Don't take this as criticism. Don't get defensive.

But at a certain point, younger you, if you continue this way, you're going to hit. You're going to hit. You would hit younger you like Jeff Ross does. You know what I mean? Sure, if you still got this aesthetic you're pushing 45 years old. Yeah. Yeah, fuck it on the road We won't discuss that and it's gonna happen. It's not gonna happen. I mean, I'm not saying that you're gonna you're gonna age into Into yourself. Absolutely. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? I don't know life is a fucking highway. Yeah, I Know it. I just want to know what the more mature

You know, I've become a an uncle a family man. Yeah, you know, no, but aesthetically Aesthetics is a good. I will aesthetics. I probably will keep a track shoot the rest of my life No, you need like a more grown-up. I don't think so. No, yeah, Charizard type of a star. What is the Charizard of? I've been thinking about mine for a while more of a blast toys You are I think by such as cool You are a you are a bubbasaur right now. It's funny. His name is blast toys. I'm squirtle They're not squirtle turns into blast toys. No, no, no, wait, we're missing one war total. I'm war total But that's anyone touched on the squirtle and blast. No, definitely not. This is virgin territory for sure

No, no, I don't think well folks if you're going to see Nick that he will be doing 17 minutes on squirtle versus blast I can only hope I got 17 minutes out of that would be a nice job We got I'm gonna have to I get in late. I get in late. So I got a quick I got a run around Austin real quick and take Stock of what used to be a checks cash place. And now it's a whole food There's now a whole actually everything used to be old foods really. What is it started there? I don't know. I haven't been awesome a long now. It's a Joe Rogan experience. Yeah a ride Yeah, no, it's the Joe Rogan experience experience. Wow You get to strap in smoke weed

Why don't you give away free ideas on the pause like that? Right the Joe Rogan experience you could have sold that to Rogi's for two million at the text Ari I'll be like I have some your friend is gonna want to hear your yeah, but I need to get him in a room We need to get on we need to get on Rogan and then just get the patreon up to five hundred million dollars Yes for one month, okay, and then kind of and then we keep listen We're gonna let the patreon keep going. Yeah, they're not gonna cancel their credit cards That's we're gonna have a list of understand how we're gonna have two or three months of living good. It's the planet fitness model Right. You pay five bucks a month. You forget you have a

That's why you do Nick is every once in a while go in there Put like a five-minute video up or something do something just keep them on the hook Something yeah, and we'll get six months easy. Yeah say working on something big working on something big We're gonna come back stay tuned. I've got it. We got I think you're gonna be really excited for an animated series coming Right, right, right. We keep lying Javascript fucking. Yeah, we're working. We're working with Dan Harmon Yeah, it's gonna be like a come town Rick and Morty. It's gonna be one of those like big mouth style Things where it's it's it's somebody with a raised eyebrow, right and every joke is I'm I'm horny Yeah, which is a good way to write comments

As long as you keep your eyebrows down It's about for my from my estimation, that's about a good 33.3% of a nice stand-up act is that yeah Being fat is another 33 my mind instead of big mouth is big nose. That's good. Yeah, that's good, right? That's really good. Well, I think a big mouth kind of is big nose already because I think those characters are pretty Jewish If I and big mouths are a Jewish trait. Yeah, you know, I got a big big wet mouth Transition to having like a travel log show, but I'm the worst. I'm the worst fucking People. No, it's just like I'd be like tell me about this restaurant and how you guys

The war yeah, tell me about like where you got the idea for this where the meat comes from Yeah, and yeah about some is the background of the restaurant and then it's like well me and my wife, you know We moved to We moved to Cincinnati in 2004. She got a different job Then we opened this place and then there's the wide shot again. I'm like clearly not listening You're looking at your phone. Yeah, I'm like nice. Yeah Jake Flores is fucking humiliating himself right now Excuse me. This is good. Yeah

Yeah, they'll send you over to koala lamp or Malaysia and you'll ask people if they've been a checkers before somebody sounds awesome No, it'd be cool. Have you guys been at Bob Evans? Somebody subscribe me to Seth Simons fucking Newsletters like paid the money. Yeah, I think so. Oh, that's worth it How much is it five bucks emails now and here's here's his latest his comedians hate violence not he's reminding everybody that comedians love when when people are hurt And now they're being hypocrites. I'm gonna skim through this real guys if you want to get our instant reaction to the Oscar thing Listen to the patreon. I've said this Sunday because as you know, we record the patreon first because it's more work I say I don't I don't I don't want to ruin it. It's still funny to listen. We got some good Oscar content

We start riffing and I hit it with the eventually I get into it. I'm like, yeah, they should call Will Smith Oscar the Grouch Oscar grab the grouch of the yeah, I remember that that was a great day. Yeah. Yeah, and I say I say hey You know where Oscar lives? Yeah, and his wife's pussy, right and his wife the garbage Mm-hmm, and then I had that good one that you guys were dying at where I was like he should win the No, yeah, that was wild when you said that. No, I didn't say that I said he should get What the fuck? No, that was no We should do what I said he should get Skruffer

Awkward On TV The most awkward moment He should get the Oscar for most awkward moment At the Oscar That was very funny. Yeah, that was weird. I didn't think you needed to call him the n word seven times But I thought the joke was funny But if there was an Oscar for most awkward moment, right, right, right, right, right, man

You know that would have gotten right to him. Yeah Mm-hmm. I'm gonna let you finish Kanye, yeah, I'm gonna let you finish You know why have you this shit doesn't happen at the award show for like, you know the annual biplane convention Or like right famous award show. Yeah. Well, I put put golf tournaments or the fucking me come auto shows The events that are still thoroughly like Low-T white men only right still civilized, right? Yeah, no closeted Yeah, it's true. It was there was an absolute mess. Those guys are all sexless. There was an absolute mess that no

I'm saying the Oscars has a ton of closeted homosexuals. Oh, yeah, what are you doing regular homosexuals? They're all just pure perverts. They're pedophiles and they don't uh That you know, they're not allowed to they get the island was taken away. Well, I I know they gotta take everything back to the island First of all, you know, they got other islands. Yeah, that's like when you you say one lie. Yeah, you get caught in a lie It's right. It's like when Eddie Murphy got pulled over the trans prostitute. I said, this is the only time ever I understand there are other islands. Yeah rich people. They're very rich people and they love convenience You think that was the most convenient island, you know when a star box opens up next near you Yeah, there's a coffee shop right by me now. It's awesome. I know exactly. It's the best

I won't buy my flip-flops even in the cold imagine imagine if that closed. Oh my god, that would actually suck That's what I'm talking about. You're gonna hit me with this other. You gotta go an extra block But hold on how where's where's little st. James? It was in the u s virgin islands. No, no passports. No passports get your dick wet. No passports stand Well, isn't there there's got to be something by the west coast Yeah, closer. Oh, yeah See what I'm saying Or they might have a subterranean

Pedophile fuck basement other than Epstein's island is for sale and it's only 120 of 25 million dollars We can almost for the whole island for the whole island We we really can't I wish we could do come fest over there. Come fest a little st. James If we ask Lewis, we probably could yeah We could get we could get the buy guys podcast We could buy headline two nights buy guys headline two nights. Yep. Get the whole squad out We should start a podcasting out on the way that the other pedophiles turn Puerto Rico into like a crypto currency Yeah, right paradise. Is that was that what Puerto Rico is now that guy Brock?

Brock, what's his name? Lesnar, Brock, Osweiler, Brock Osweiler Turner. I think that's rock Turner. That's rapist. That's the Stanford swimmer. Oh, that's a different kind of rapist Dude, that that's still I'm loving that swimmer. That story is still wild. Which one Brock? Yeah, just like walking around. There's some drunk bitch and he just fingers are behind the dumpster and things that's like Chill he thinks it's not only does he think it's it's like it's chill. He thinks it's pimp. Yeah, it's something He should tell his friends. Yeah guys check it out But he didn't even go to jail, right? He did six months And they apparently he was like the hard coolest guys in there

Everyone's like he's gonna have a bad time, but they don't understand the hot this a high rock. He's sexy Yeah, they they respect swimmers There's more than anyone in on in the yeah, I haven't grown up. Yeah in in uh, Phelps country public school Phelps country Phelps country. Yeah, there was no one we respected more It's true. What's he's doing? He's doing commercials for therapy now Phelps. Yeah. Yeah, because he has ADD and Something else and his mom wanted to slice his little fetus ass up She got fucking prego like Kanye because they did the ultrasound. They saw his fucking skull. So how big his dick was Yeah, she saw she was like, well, we can save him then right they saw his kooky jar head and they said

There's no way we can let this what is he tear that? Yeah, either he's gonna be a like the great swimmer Or a freak right and either way he's gonna destroy your pussy, man Yeah, and it's really the off chance that he might be a great swimmer worth wrecking that little fucking And you know mama Phelps had a nice tight little fucking Box and she was like, you know what? I'm not gonna abort him I'm gonna let him wreck my gun cunt

And and then here we are now the most gold medals of since whatever the fuck Damn, I wish I could blow off spots and rewatch the sting dude. Here's the thing You can't you're literally rich and famous. There's nothing better than canceling a spot It feels so awesome. It does feel good It really feels good. I had spots canceled on me and I was like freedom Yeah, dude. It's the best freedom Freedom freedom

I'm gonna take a nap and then stand up my phone for seven hours Watch 10 minutes Of the fucking movie I've seen 50 times This is why it's just days and days Do do do do Nick, can you play the gambler? Is that song also called the right train to nowhere? And old somebody

The entertainer. That's the entertainer But they sound the same The entertainer he wore blackface Played the piano and asked me for oh, I was laughing I was laughing to myself about um And then he got death and quiet a penis old me is penis. Oh, yeah No, I interrupt the good so it's all right. I'm gonna fuck god damn think I'll give a fuck about your instincts never will get better about that Oh, that's what I mean. Did you get older people don't change stuff? People don't He did that he did he did a long gambler. That's why I felt like it was

But but well, I haven't heard it. I still should I haven't heard it your virgin years deserved. I haven't heard it Yeah, it is final words. I found an ass that you can fuck. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah, no, but the people don't change It's right. You're gonna be 45. You may dress like this You'll get you will get get hair plugs at some point. That'd be yeah once the technology is there But then no the won't you know, yeah, but then you continue to bald even after No, I'm gonna get them for a while feel what it's like. You're gonna have the job I'm gonna cut them off. Why you just get a very obvious rug. I'm thinking about it Just like go down to the bodega where listen listen listen no matter what happens

I know now that I can grow a giant beard right and that's it. I'm good. I'm good true no matter what happens Even if I'm homeless, you never see a homeless guy with a shitty beard You see that's a good point. We've you see a homeless guy with a shitty beard. That's a cosplaying teenager You're getting turned out getting this butthole for heroin, which sounds pretty bad I'll tell you what that is. That is a low-price woman. Yeah, right That is a toilet. Sure. That is a sexual toilet to be used and abused It sounds bad though still cuz you kind of said it like cuz the if I could imply where you were going with that It's like hey, you might be homeless, but at least you got a fun cool beard

At least you got a cool beard. So now we're talking about the guys. You don't have cool beers. Yeah, that's right They're getting their assholes turned out. It's the worst kind of homeless to be Just destroyed. Yeah to oblivion. They're I'm gonna be I'm gonna be homeless Huge beard that people respect that right and clause six pairs of sweatpants somehow the shit on the outside of every single one Every one of the six layers Outside this webpancers feces. Yeah, I've just had I've had diarrhea osmosis go through them Fucking North Face North Face or South Pole denim fucking big bubble coat. Yep post it up

You know, yes, sir post it up in the in Bryant Park, right? Mm-hmm fashion week Bryant Park. Yeah At the library. Yeah, they got good pussy over there Brian Park. Oh, yeah, they got good pussy. Yeah, not as good as Madison Square Park got the good that's good really good during the lunch lunch break pussy. It's crazy. Now on a nice day Women in the world signs used to have reasons they were homeless on it. And now the signs just say I'm homeless True and it's like hey guys. We got that. Yeah, you're trying to make it identity You know that you're you're homeless. I want to know this you should go up to and be like, hey, it's unhoused. Yeah. Yeah You're unhoused

No, no, I don't have any money I need this. I'm gonna go get chicken at a cash only place No, it's I don't have enough for do you feel I feel like something like the exact amount of money I needed To go to Popeyes. Yeah, the machines down. I called their literature. It's happened a couple times Anyway, I can't help you now. Sometimes I feel like the head of my dick is unhoused True. Yeah, you got a little home for you on circumcised. Yeah, I always thought of it more like a nose What do you mean like a nose tip of your penis? No, like if you got a hood, it's like a helmet. Yeah Oh, no, like the force game for skin is a nose the force is so every on circumcised person's like the red

scope like snake like no Voldemort idiot Voldemort. Yeah, Squirt a miss Snape. Sorry, dude, dude You know I'm a big fucking Harry Potter. You know, I'm a HP fan to I I've recently been getting into She's awesome. I didn't like the books, but once her ideas on she's got good ass Now that I know gender and sexuality start trickling. Why is she so obsessed like how I got into C.S. Lewis after I found out of Christianity, yep, and I only I only started liking You always know it's the best lovecraft after I heard his cat's name. They always got names the best authors names like that JP McDade H JP McDade one of the best authors HR McGonigal. Yep. Yeah, W.C. Fields. Yeah, HT Puffin stuff

All right, yeah, he Brad Hudson he Brad Hudson. J. J. T. Lorenzo That's an I actually is an awesome name. Who's that? He's he writes like like urban erotic fiction That's a great name JT motherfucking Lorenzo. Oh, and you know what the time it is to talk about what I say my bookie blue tune my bookie Bluetooth and my bookie one at a time about my bookie first. My bookie is a gambling website. That's so the website is you put it In your browser my bookie dot AG my bookie dot AG and I know what you're thinking a gift that sounds my bookie dot a gift That sounds bad AG. You're saying what the fuck is that all good? It's some a German word that I think it means it's a company that's registered in

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All of my documents gone for the wall I cleaned them up for you and I put them in your desk. All of the war plans are missing Hitler the Russians are advancing I don't know what the plans are cuz Fran, Fran moved them But I love her, but I'm not in love with Fran. She showed me that I'm not gay Yeah, yeah, a British man finds out he's not gay by by getting horny for For a loud mouth from flushing. Why does Hitler have a nanny if he didn't have kids? That was confusing about that show Well, his his wife, wasn't she sort of a child Ava brawn was an Ava like much younger than her Oh, sorry, my bookie. My bookie. Not AG. Anyway, it's a great website. You can gamble sports guys

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And you know, here's how good my bookie is actually that I am actually gonna go back to Vegas for something Later this month, I believe and I'm just gonna pull up my bookie on my phone I'm gonna go to the scene you're gonna sit at the sports, but enjoy the comfortable chairs watch the big screens But play on my phone. Take that mr. Wynn Like, you know people who don't like gambling or drinking what are you talking about to be a place for me to go Place for you to go. What do you fucking like the gay bath house cast Castro district San Francisco in 1981? Yeah, but that's that's the drugs and drinking there. I mean like a sober fun place, right? The bath house exactly for

The steam room at Equinox. Yeah, the steam room at the Mormon temple Yeah, I went to Equinox not for me. Why not for me. Yeah, you're more of a David Barton's man. I got pissed off Too much eucalyptus. It's outrageous that they charge the amount of money they do I'm loving my new I was gonna go the other day and it was like hurry up closes soon. They close at 7 p.m What that's ridiculous. That's not true. It is true. Yo, I did hear this gym I did hear this fucking 24. I don't know which I don't know which equinox it is But there is an equinox in the city that has an IV drip room so you can get fucked up the night before So regular and get and they get a fucking IV drip and then just be yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we are we get it. We heard it. We heard we know what an IV get it We understand maybe Nick was a little extreme, but you were being long-winded and we've heard this before from you And I by the way, I've done a ton of IV drips Have you ever asked me about my experience? Because you got fucked up the night I got fucked up. How'd you do it? It was awesome. They got a nurse come over Sometimes it's a nurse sometimes way. It's a place you can go. Yeah, you go so in Denver I tried it for the first time because there was an IV place, but what do they do? They put weed or something No, they put fucking

Towering and shit like that and fucking be 12 and shit in your shit. Anyways, I'm with now. You're just leaving you know I have to We know when you he has to go fucking always got his purse out. He's got his purse out. He's got to go give a guy a check Anyways because he went on prep for Adam so Adam could fuck him in the asterol without worrying about getting AIDS I'm giving it to his girlfriend. So he's paying the guy $4,000. That's all true. No The regular equinoxes like to 25 and that only gives you like one of them you pay the 250 for all access, right? Except the good equinoxes get the fuck out of here Yeah, if you want to go to the ones the ones that like kind of sell the brand I guess they're like printing house and there's another one. That's like

Excelsior right fucking Midtown, right? Those are like $500 a month get the fuck out of here Yeah, so those are the only real it real right ones and everything else is like, you know, they're dumb ass poor people thinking right they might Work out with Kathy Griffin. Well, it's for people with like rich parents. Who's like, well, we'll get you a gym membership, right? Well, you work on your Instagram account When you build up your Instagram account, you're she's pursuing being an influencer, right? Yeah, so fuck that sucks, dude. Yeah Because I would love a fucking I would love a nice fucking a gym that yeah, you get a drip you get sucked off I gotta do this cardio bullshit now for my gay ass heart. So what's going on with your heart man? No, it's flaring up

Yeah, I mean, you know being sedentary and then vape Of course, okay, not sleeping and drinking a bunch of Red Bull You know that kind of that's a problem that kind of stuff sort of dovetailed and No, I'm just trying because I've never really done cardio, but you know, you are supposed to get your heart rate up over like And what is it the target zone? Yes, like three times a week, man the fuck having a Fitbit on And then like going a little walks, but then fucking Yeah, I'm going to die if I don't do something soon my shit skyrockets when I when I what skyrocketing for you

What's a high hardware like 180, okay, that's high. Yeah Because I mean I get my shit like if I'm working out hard like the thing is like apparently you're like I don't know. It's 30. I'm 33 She subtract that the target hardware zone is like 145 for me, but that's like pretty low effort. That's pretty low Yeah, yeah, 145 is not that high. So when I get on the bike, I try to hit like 165 And that's a good workout. I can nice one I can maintain that for like 20 minutes And if I really push it it gets up to like 151 85 and then I can get over 190

But that's for like a brief second or you know something. Yeah If I do like a hundred burpees in a row your dick gets really for time. Yeah, then my heart rate will get up that high But I'm trying to I'm trying to see the last that's fucking hard Well hundred burpees in a row. Yeah Yeah, it's a good workout and it's quick you get it done in like six and a half minutes I got this new app that I've been using fit bod. Yeah, it's been kicking my kick in my ass. Yeah That's pretty good. It looks it looks cute outside the Sun said. Yeah looks like today is like the Yeah, but it feels like the last blast of wheels like his pussy. It feels like a nice fall evening. It's not well

It's very cold. It's very cold. It's been snowing. I don't like how cold it is. Honestly, I don't either I'm hoping that Well, I'm gonna have some hot temperatures at hot Atlanta this weekend where I am performing at the Earl I think most of the shows are sold out and I'm trying to add a couple But if you're hearing this and they're not sold out go get your tickets now I'm also in Toronto on the 16th and then Providence the 28th through the 30th Um DC and San Diego after that I'm making up San Diego the 19th through the 21st, I believe

So yeah, come get your dick sucked everyone Signed on my so you suck everyone's dick. Well, I'm just saying in kind of theoretically come get your dick sucked I mean may make me so there's a chance you'll suck some may fit through seventh. I'll be a laughs laugh, Boston Yeah, I don't know if they have to take it link up yet. But if you pay attention to my social Cinco de Mayo I'll be a laugh boss Cinco de Mayo weekend. Everybody who gets the keyless shot gets a free Lewis and helium may 11 through the 13th And in July, I think I said June last episode. I'll be in Los Angeles. I'll get the dates up and In the next couple of weeks, I will be I I will be having you will be having I will be having merch I'm making how about I'll have merch in a few weeks. I'm doing a guy will be having my merch is only available at shows

Okay, so if you want the t-shirts that were available to buy for years that they didn't want yeah now the leftover stop well, I'm I'm moving into the apparel game and I think this is an exciting Word for that. Don't we stop Rose. It's called the Schmatte trade. No, it's Jews have been in the Schmatte trade for years when somebody does something and then another person hears it is. Yeah, and does it also. What is that? I think you know what it is. Mm-hmm. So if you want any of my t-shirts that say what's the word I have some t-shirts that say Savi in the Greek yogurt font. I gotta show you. I gotta say says the New York ass times. I don't. I don't. I Got a shirt is Adam's face on. It says if you need me, I'll be in the break room using the copier

That's good using the Xerox machine to make copies. Well, that's because of other people's behavior. That's because I do secretarial I'm copying people's behavior to my own fine. No, that's well. Yes, because all on the job because I do a lot of administrative work because I don't have a read the back. I don't have a big chip on my shoulder. I'm happy to do administrative work because I like keeping the team together. One day I will have a big chip on my shoulder copy because now the big chip look is in the big. Here comes me. I'm gonna say that's a lot of words on a shirt, but and they'll be like shut up. My shirts will have no words on them. They will be some of the paintings that I've done as handpainting each one. No, I'm more important screen, screen print more importantly than Adams copy. They will be in very high quality t-shirts. They're I'm doing something. I forgot the name of the heavies. No, I'm not doing guilt. I have a single color

I'm not doing. I'm not doing gilding. I'm $47. No, I'm doing. I'm doing. I'm doing something colors or something. Comfort colors. Comfort colors. That's the one. No one gives a fuck about your gay ass t-shirts at him. Everyone please go subscribe to youtube.com slash stopby baby. No, and it's no and my special will be coming out there. I'm finalizing the date, but it'll probably be in about a month and I would never attack your business and say no one gives a fuck about it because I give a fuck about you actually make sure a lot of people that give a fuck about it. You you if you want to take that back real quick and say the shirts look cool. Okay, you know what? I am happy for you, but please be less long winded about it. Be more brief. I thought the objective is to eat up time on the show until we're done not with your plugs. Okay, not with my plugs. No, because you don't want to brief. You don't want to see anyone eat. I love to see

you. You don't want to see anyone. The thing is I'm worried about you. I'm worried about you more because when the fat man sees the skinny man eat, he thinks. No. Why can't that food and by the way, by the way the wrong winded? That's true. Yes, he's like a gay Chinese guy. That's a slow leaky. And by the way, by the way, Adam, you're fucking falling right into Nick's plan here. What is this? Because he wants us at each other's. So the Ritt, the boss was I have been saying that one to set each other's throat saying that to you for years and you have walked every single time. I said nothing to either of you. The boss wants us against each other. Sure, but not in this way. First of all, there's no there's no mechanism. He's not the boss anymore. I agree with him. Yes, the goal is to eat up time. Sure. Guess what also eats up time. You criticizing him for being long winded. That's true. This is one of

our classic me eating up time. You criticizing me bits. Okay, and this is why people tune in every week. Okay, that is fucking true. And you know what I said earlier on the show, and I think this is kind of a case study in human nature. After six years of this crap, people have been listening to it, you know, whether or not they've listened from the beginning or if they've listened to the entirety of the whole show, people don't really change. I think that that is the point of this show, right? The point of this show is that it's a smoke. And if you got him, smoke him. If you fucking got him, suck him. If you thank you, fuck him. If you suck me, if you find me very nice. They know that me very nice, baby girl. It ain't over till the fat ladies. Nick, what do you think about this one? I was saying it in the car. Yeah, penis rock is in my ass tonight. It's one party rock solid, but it's

penis rock is in my ass to do and you're going to say this is a hater statement. You're being a hater. You're going to be a hater. You've never been good at the song. No, come on, dude. He's not wrong. Unfortunately, Adam, you've now. Every time you brought me one, it's like when a cat is like murdered something, right? But you know, when it's not even a bird, it's like a little fucking piece of garbage. Yes. It's not even you're not proud of your man. Right. It's not a vermin. It's okay. We all have our own fucking. What do you think stuff? What do you think about penis rock? I think it's fine. It's fine. But you know, like, but it's all kind of about the vibe. Hold on. First of all, the art form, my coke zero back. I already had it. No, yours is there. I'll give you back to you when there's zero coke left. Come on. It's diet coke for men. Anyways, back to criticizing your

performance on the song. The form has evolved so much now with the work me and stop have done. It's true. We've advanced it. It's not my land. It's not my land. It's not my land. It's offensive. I see what you're saying. What you should be going for is sucking on the midnight train to Georgia, something along. So yeah, sucking on the midnight train to penis, something like that. Exactly. Oh, it doesn't really make sense. Miss a good one when you're out of town. I've been laughing to myself about that. Nick, what one about Judge Steve Harvey at the Nuremberg Trials. That wasn't a song. No, but you were saying they took they took them on trains. He said the judge Steve Harvey. Yeah, he's saying he's a judge at the Nuremberg Trials. Yeah, and he's and he's like oh they took them on trains. What was it? They put them on trains to where to do what when I was young. There was one train. It was a

midnight train and it went to Georgia. Yeah, pretty good. That's that was fun. We missed it and I said I thought to myself stop. What a like. Anyways, you're not going to get out of this. No, but I want to remember it. Tell you some instructive criticism directed at you. Okay, you know, keep going. Tell me. So give us give us a song and it's got to have a verb in it. It's got to have a verb and an actionable noun. It can't be penis. Rock is in my ass tonight. No, you have to be doing. It has to be something doing something. So it is. But this is a parody song, right? Or is it an original song that has a verb and it's an original song. It's just the way we do it. Come on, man. No, but you guys do pair. Pick any song in the fucking world. Okay. All right. Okay, I think I got one. What is it? My penis, my penis. This song, you remind me of what just what's the song. Oh, okay. It's Maria Maria by Carlos Santana. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. And you wanted to go my my piece. My penis is in the bed. You suck. Yeah, it's you and say Maria Maria. You suck me on the West Side penis. That's awesome. Yeah. That is you. That's why you are really good at this. But that that's how you are really good. Or even you could do something like Maria's hard penis. Yeah, it sucked me on the West Side penis. I get a little I get a little overly technical. So you're getting sure I'm in my Ying Wei zone. It's too. That's my yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just showing off for no reason. You're right. You're shredding. It's not as accessible even though the other masters right can see it and say well that's a nice piece of work. It is nice. It's broke. Right. There's no modality to sure. Sure. Whatever that means. Mm hmm. There's no inner. What was it at him? Inner. Inner. Interior. Fucking loser. Okay. Why don't you read how to write a

screenplay? I think it's too fat to do shit like that. You can't even write a screenplay. I guarantee you won't even read that. That's part of my body. Is my dick part of my body or is it not? No, but that doesn't mean you could you have a very is it part of my body or not. You have it. You have a very thin penis, very fat body. It's not that thin. It's thin. It's not that thin. In fact, it looks quite long because of the thinness, which is a nice, which is a nice optical illusion. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I a crop to cool a crop crop to cool. Okay. Um, okay, how about I'll give you another song. Yeah, try it again. Fast Balls the way. What song is that? Everyone can see the road that they're coming down. Is it the wall flower? No, it's from that same era. Who is it? It's by this band. Fast Ball. It's a great song. That is a

good song. That's crazy. I don't know that one. Yeah, that's you think I know kind of music that actually is right up your alley next music. That's why I actually tried to find one that was tailored for you. No, you don't need to be tailored for me. What? No, but it's like doing with anything. No, but it would make you happy. And how does it go? It's a great song. Oh, blue shoe. Right. And I want to take a chewable tablet to make my dick hard. Is that the song? Is it gonna start? Yeah, there it is. It's got a little Spanish flair. This is a beautiful melody. It's a perfect song. It's honestly one of the best songs. Damn, who's where he gives his girlfriend? She's not he's got a girlfriend. I think so. She's wow.

Good for him. Anyway, you know what that song is about. It's very sad. I don't care anymore. Okay, never mind. So blue shoe.com. If you love sex, you love blue shoe.com. Nick, we are starting this at 45 13. If you love sex, you love blue shoe.com for years now. Blue shoe has been providing a gentleman with the some would say the priceless. Mm hmm. Right. Experience. Oh, right. Maintaining an erection. Listen, who amongst us hasn't been there? They've got a nice wet, juicy pussy or asshole or asshole in front of them. Uped up puckered right to go begging for cock. Fuck. Please fuck me, dad. Yeah, but you're looking. They say that to you. Yeah, whether they be a woman, a man, or an end be a woman with a they or a woman with the fucking they cock. Yeah,

and she's got to put her in that case. It would be the puckered asshole we were talking about. Anyway, how which how how many amongst us, whether it be that situation, whether it be a you're a gay man and you're fucking, um, uh, but Buck Ryan, we're Buck Angel, Buck Angel, whether it be a stone cold looking motherfucker with a pussy. Either way, there's a whole someone wants you to fuck. That's right. And you're fucking dick. And it's not hard. Your dick comes out like a wilted fucking tool. You can't get blood to rush into your penis and make it hard. Exactly. And in that, and in that moment, it's just crazy. So factory is selling tickets to a show. I did not specifically said no. I don't want to do that weekend. That's fucking

a day. Here's the thing. If you're, uh, do not buy tickets to this stress factory show, I will be Caroline's two or three weeks after that. You can see me in Caroline's do not buy tickets to the stress factory show in the same market. Right. Right. Anyway, I will be at the stress factory on those dates doing Nick, Nick hour, and it's called the hero of Allentown. Yes. Nick, cancel your sponsors. Just come to funny moment. Just keep, keep, keep hanging. Okay, I got to do village underground anyway. Okay. Anyway, the point is I hope you get raped. Okay. Wow. That's kind of extreme. People are attacking. People are attacking comedians. It was funny. People are attacking comedians now. That's true. That is true. People are attacking

comedians. You are unsafe. Will Smith could have raped him. It's possible. Yep. That's true. Anyway, guys, if you love sex, you love blue two dot com and this is a service. Basically you go to blue two dot com. You sign up. You talked to one. We had this whole build up. Oh yeah. What's the build up? So you have a puckered asshole or a juicy wet pussy. They then pussy a stone cold Steve Austin, whatever it is, a she penis, whatever the fuck your eye to eye, some that wants to get fucked. Whatever your cock just doesn't have the mustard. Remember the animal king in that moment. No, no, not that in that moment. You would you would say my kingdom for a hard cock. Yes and pal good news because it's not going to take your kingdom. It's not going to take

your kingdom. It's going to be a lot cheaper than that. In fact, free. Just pay shipping for the first month for the first month. We've got your solution. Yes. It's called blue chew. Doc. They're called chewable fucking tablets. Okay. And the and it's called sildana fill or to down a fill, whichever one and you I go back and forth. I that's that's the thing about you stuff. You're worldly. I go back and forth. Sometimes I'm in a to dial a fill mood. Sometimes I'm in a Sadella film. Sometimes you're on a thirty six hour fuck odyssey. Oh my God. Sometimes you want to just you have you want to quick you want to get the poison out of your body. I get a little hard cock and whichever one does that you. That's the one you. That's the one I think here's the thing guys. You go to blue

ju.com. They're no awkward visits to the doctor. There's no doctor. I mean like doctors like unzip show me it. Oh that looks good. You never have to take advantage of the relationship you've built up with your Italian and American doctor. You're pediatrician that you still see even though you're thirty two years old. Yes. You know that's over. That's over. You go. You you talk to one of their licensed medical professionals in a professional setting. This is not a cam style setting folks. This is a licensed medical professional. They write you a prescription. You don't have to go to the farm. I'm looking promo code. Yeah. Come down or come on. Yeah. Yeah. You don't have to go to the pharmacy folks. Do not buy tickets to the stress. Okay. All right.

They send it to you. It's not. Don't worry. It's not that big a deal. It's not that big a deal. They fucked up. You're the talent dude. Start acting like it. Fuck them. Start acting like a fucking celebrity. That's right. Okay. I am. I'm mad. Okay. That's not a celebrity act. No. I will be Caroline's June twenty third to twenty six. As soon as I email Lewis Faranda back. All right. Make sure you have email Lewis. Make sure you have a deal lined up. So you're plugging your book. You're plugging your plug in. You ever. Right. Well we got to figure out the deal. They have an unspoken thing. I want to do the guarantee. There's something about the boyfriend. It's there's something. There's something about Lewis that Nick hasn't come.

Yeah. Yeah. Anyway folks. It's so funny. Yeah. Right now I'm banned. Stop saying your boyfriends with Lewis. No Lewis would love that anyway. So guys you go to blue shoot dot com. You talk to one of these licensed medical professionals. They send over your medication in discreet packaging. Okay. And women are under the the the the law laws. The bylaws of the nation of the biden administration. Women are not allowed to say your breath tastes like candy right now. It's kind of like a listen like how are you had some tell you had some dip it. You're some. What's it called fun did some smarties perhaps. Yeah. Whatever. Whatever. Say I had to go do my candy in the other room, but then shout at my penis and then come back

in the room. Rush back in the room crying with a hard ass being a guy. I didn't think 20 minutes later, 20 minutes later, punching your beautiful hard to feel something pumped full of medicine that you definitely need. Yes. And and and at this age, they definitely need and there are not other solutions that are healthy medication that was only marketed to members of the seventy five and older community up until recently. People might be saying why are people younger and younger taking this medication. I don't know. I have a fucking cell phone in my pocket. Maybe it's the five G five G has zapped my nuts. Maybe the five G is at my turn them to raise. Do not buy tickets to Nick show. Not by the stress factor. You go there. You

put in come down. I understand why it's named that. Yeah, because you're stressed. Okay, you put in come town folks. Okay, and then all you do is you pay five dollar shipping or whatever it costs. Okay, and then you get your fucking color to have incess factory. Yeah, that's back to have sex and the promo code is come down. Correct. Who fucking cares around town 20. We figure it out. You fucking you figure it out and you want you. You want a hard dick or not mother fucker. You want to spoon feed you fucking everything a lot of that. You know that what I was thinking recently. I was watching Tucker a lot of these kids these days. They don't want to work. They don't want to. They don't want to hard

cock. They don't want to. They don't want to find the. They don't want to figure out through trial and error, even though you could take candy or fucking promo code. You can take candy to get a boner. It is the best deal on the planet as deal on earth. Can you think stuff? Can you think of something better than a candy that makes your dick hard? No, I literally cannot think of anything. I'm trying really hard. It's something the Joker would come up exactly. I think maybe maybe and that's why he's cool. Maybe if I want you can see your dick and see that it's small. They're laughing at you and laughing at your balls. I'm only doing it to calm down. You know what the song's about? I can't believe

the fucking stress factory put those dates up. I'm sure that's removed in an hour, but you know how I am. They probably won't even be up when this comes out. I'm fucking hard now. I get pissed off too easily. That's why I'm blind. Now everyone can see your penis and everybody's laughing at it. They're laughing at your balls and at your tiny dick. Oh, man. So yeah, folks, go to fucking blue G dot com, but you didn't fucking the parameter. Fucking enjoy your hard cock and think of us every time your dick gets hard and think that just just imagine while you're stroking someone that you clearly do not love. Do not love or else your dick would get hard. You're paying 300 for the half hour, 500 for kissing for

the VIP. Think of stuff being there and saying that's awesome. That's awesome, dude. Okay. That's nice pussy. You know, you want to know what that song's about stuff? Yeah. Yeah, we have about what for? Yeah, this is a good story. Okay. Oh, wow. Yeah, the stuff. The song is a story about an old married couple, right? That they they they're like, all right, let's go on a trip. Right. They made up their mind. They started packing. It's like, okay, and they left before the sun came up that day, right? Okay. And then was the song called the way the way, right? So they were like, okay, we're an old couple retired. Keep my fucking New York area dates out your mouth. Me? No, that's like the meme. That's the

name I'm doing. And it's the stress. So it's Vinny brand is Chris Rock. Yeah, and you're Will Smith. You're slacking your will Smith and you're coming on stage and I'm saying, keep my fucking New York dates. Yeah, out your wife. My Metro. Yeah, you fucking and you're saying welcome to earth. Now you moving you we moving up now you're the remember that scene and yeah and independent say welcome to earth. Beep now we're white and you don't actually remember that. Yeah, when he opens the spaceship up. Yeah, he said now the black people are white. Yeah, and all humans are watching and the aliens are the people. Yeah, that's why he's like, man, can you believe this shit the world ending? And who they sacrifice

to fuck in a guy to go in there? Nothing not, you know, a white person, Stuart, you think it'd be a Chinese guy maybe. But no, it's just a couple of Oh, it's two black people. And now there's Yeah, there's another one in there. Also, you know, I haven't seen that movie in a very long time. I don't know. I don't remember the movie at all. My favorite thing about the sequel is when they just sort of retcon. I never saw the second. Yeah, it's really funny. It's bad. It's it's really depressing. It's got no the one that like just came out. I mean, it came out like five years ago now. No, really? Yeah, independence. Oh, three years tops. You might be you're usually pretty good at this kind of stuff. But in my mind,

it was your stuff is good at sometimes at yours. No, like if something happened in the past, it's such a good description of what I'm good at. Sof is really good at that. I thought that. Okay, I thought that now it's not that will as it's got to be this. It's usually I thought Will Smith beats the aliens. Either he's either he's wildly wrong, right? Or a fucking, you know, independence. I thought Will Smith beats the are you right is two thousand sixteen. Yeah, you're right. Sixteen. So that's eight years ago. Jesus fucking Christ six years ago. It was that long ago. That's so long ago and no one cared, right? I could have swore this shit was like recent yet. I would have bet that it was the last three

years. But what can I say? My dick is fucking delicious. I am really stoked about the fucking sequel to top. God. No, that looks like shit. Yeah, dude. He flies the planes for real care. Shut up, bro. Fuck you. I hope you get right. You wish. I'm sorry. Anyway, so okay, this old couple stuff. Okay, they wake up on my left, Nick. Um, I don't know. We got two minutes, two minutes. All right. I got other shit going on. Nick, just relax. We're doing our show. Can't relax, dude. I got to go out tonight and perform for people after being mildly inconvenienced for 20 minutes. We're doing our show. The ticket links have already been removed. They already have been. So you've settled. You've settled the annoyance

and now you're choosing to still be. No, because I lost a package got lost three weeks ago. And I just remembered that happened. Yeah, that's true. I'm fucking. I'm a loser. I'm fucking gay. I'm gay. I'm a fucking loser. Okay. I've become even more of a loser every fucking year. You're not. Oh, let's return to the thing about meeting our little versions of ourselves. You're saying that I see what you're saying. No, Nick's guy would be such a prick. Absolutely. Yeah. Nineteen year old Nick. Yeah. Nineteen year old. You would be like you're the coolest guy of all time. Nineteen year old me would start crying because he's like you. You mean you're not the president of the United States because at that point

a little Israel. You were you wanted to be. You want to be bees job. I wanted to be king of Israel and do the coat zero is hitting today. They taste so good. I do taste like real coke. I'll tell you what tastes real good. Nice piece of pussy dude. Amen. I was going to say that, but I didn't want to take your fucking out all the time. You're eating the wrong kind of pussy. Then you got an Inuit wife, little chubby Inuit wife in a wood shack. It's a frozen lake. You go out there ice fishing all day long. That's really good. You know, maybe hit the dab, come back in. You take fucking snow shoes off. Get your dick sucked. Eat some fatty tuna. Yeah. Next to a pot is just a pot. Yeah. Lake. Lake ice

tuna. Do you have a phone charger Nick? I'm painting a picture. Keep going. You just realized you're a charger. Yeah, we got to leave soon too. What time is it? 7 30. Oh shit. We got the show shows over folks. Yeah, we got I want to tell you this. It doesn't matter.