The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 307 – Better Late than On Time

Episode Date: April 15, 2022

I think thats what they say. its what I say at least

Um, as I'm sure all of you are aware already, uh, you know, I mean, we'll talk about it, but, uh, Stav killed himself this week, and so we'd like to just, uh, obviously it's going to be the last episode, but, uh, yeah, I mean, we will, but I'm saying, I'm saying, I think this should be the last episode, and we'd like to do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do of a dodecaid where I, what the fuck is wrong? I had dedicated a dodecaid like to adodecaid I'd like to adodecaid this message to mental health. Yeah, we got to be talking about mental health because when I wrote donda seven, the donda seven was on the way out. Yeah. I said I love the way it says is my whole name donda. Don Da don't yeah. Also the guy. He's got

got a weird the guy in the documentary it's he's like hi yay yeah the emphasis is on the second when you when you write a song when you write a hey when you when you write a song you're not thinking about the music you're thinking about the way the language is related to your subconscious yeah yeah he's got I mean he has like a weird accent yeah I don't know what it is he's got like a weird accent right I don't think sorry I'm like guys I was having the gentrified urge to open the third coffee shop on the same block in Brooklyn when you when you get when you have the gentrified urge when you have the gentrified urge to open the third coffee shop on the same block in bushwick it's the same this is good I'm

going to do Kanye reading his tweets I think it's just like a little mentally ill a little gay you know how Ian in five years was this where you animal so yeah but you're awful pun doesn't make any sense in animal 69 in the mall and you're gonna want to go check out you know it only makes sense if you have like a fucking big Atlantic animal yeah my name is Ian when you post a picture yesterday with someone that someone is Dave Chappelle and we stand together as comics but I do not agree with him on transgender issues wait it's so funny yeah I'm trying to do Kanye if he were had all of Ian's thoughts I see but a secret like him isn't done evolving please see the thread from our full apology

thank you oh that's he was making fun of the gentrified in the gentrified urge tweet which is so beautiful everyone is all the boys and thank you to all the boys are being like this is this is your you know this is the best tweet I've ever seen in my life go ahead listen if you haven't retweeted that just go ahead and do it again I want to get it to 150,000 life viral when you have the gentrified urge when you have the gentrified urge what is called a sound like I don't know so anyway but he he is literally just responding to every single awesome you know I'm gonna let you just retweeted Adam I'm gonna let it breathe for a couple days and then I'm gonna retweet it to kind of I retweeted it today stop doing

it and I'll give it a couple days I'll give it four days four days and guys if you're listening to this go look it up he tweeted on the tweet is on January 14th 2022 a moment in Twitter history the jet and Ian fight 90 day for down say 95 dance the tweet is the gentrified urge to open the third coffee shop on one block. He just doesn't get cleaner and more concise it was that it was at 442 p.m. on January 14th Twitter for iPhone you know I'm like am I living in another timeline the pandemic started in 2020 how the fuck are people saying three years of a pandemic not really what does he sound like you got a little something there you got a little piece of it but I don't

know exactly how am I so dumb this is just somebody else people responding I'm Ian and I'm gay Kanye and I'm Ian five days and I'm gay gay and I'm Obama someone did a perfect show than 30 rock unfuck with a bull yeah it's a good show he's right about that he's right it's good lol Chris Brown beat the shit out of Rihanna in 2009 and won a Grammy three years later save the crocodile to use you're going a little like it's a little southern little southern he is he is southern no it's from all black people are southern no I don't think he is this dad from like southern Maryland his dad opened an oxygen bar in like Charles County or some city or Calvert County yes we're some really strange but the where the

where a lot of the like the black I think like mid-Atlantic accent comes from his people from like South Carolina yeah moving to the mid-Atlantic sure but still you went a little so little you gave it a little too much when you poo in your pants if you make poo in your pants then you've done doo-doo you've you made yourself a doo-doo you done doodooed yourself you've you've doodooed yourself you're done doodooed yourself boy you've become a done doodoo gentleman and then do the gentleman crocodile everybody's talking about crocodile done D but how about crocodile done do how about crocodile doodoo how about crocodile done doodoo and he's going doodoo in his pants because he's scared of the alligator Joe

Rogan that ain't no shit because he's a shit because he's scared of the alligator Joe Rogan and that's when I with the latest album down to 19 I was thinking if I meant which you could only play on a Nintendo DS which it has to be played you yeah you got to get a an automatic letter box and you put the CD in the side and the sounds it makes when it breaks yeah that's the album the only it only plays on the zoojirushi rice cooker when it's done I thought what if you spent thousands of dollars on appliances and it's still didn't bring your mom back that's what I was thinking about it when I did this I said if I met an alligator I would I would do do my pants myself I would do I would

do do do I'll be crocodile do do do you and has it well go ahead no it's not funny enough well you have to have to give us something they have the aboriginal people good and that's an interesting word to me why not say original people this is good this is him retweeting himself from December a long to not just December and there's a reason to believe 2019 girls are like cats give them too much attention they'll run away but ignore them just enough and they'll show you their butthole very good it's not a bad tweet really awesome to retweet it three years later for no real reason he just can't give him so he can't even just take a rare dub he has to be like I need I need 40 more likes on this damn I need some

water we had a very salty lunch we had sushi we have fucking miso soup he and fried ants on tiktok he's being very biphobic for a buy me because it reminds me of a boy who's like all the silly dating shows that I like to watch so I thought it would be fun to use this as if I was on a dating show you got the full experience folks you watch tiktok at home and now you can watch tiktok on a show you can listen to us you can listen to tiktok by the way my tiktok is the algorithm works my shit is all girls with huge tits really just nothing else it's awesome they know what you like they really though for the Chinese habits figured out I'd let Trump dig up my grandmother grab her by the pussy if he lowered

the gas prices ready in yeah he didn't judge he didn't just tweet that yeah three twenty six three Trump grab her by the president and climate change don't start it oh fuck that's so that's a good one that's awesome that might be better than that might be better than the gentrified urge no it's not you're right the gentrified urges I wish I was just good incredible by whiskey but thrown in grab her by the pussy twenty twenty March twenty twenty two this is funny that with the Grammy thing about Lucy getting the crocodile tears and realize there was a tweet thread that goes on oh nice hey morons of Twitter Chris Chris Brown physically assaulted Rihanna didn't spend a day in jail got probation broke it didn't

face cons okay what did I have to do we pulled his dick out and was a creepy pervert never been clutches or pearls and thinks he should be banished from society forever nothing will ever be a good enough to make up for you don't care about Louie and you can't even name the woman he quote unquote abuse miss like a michelle Obama you can't name her don't care about what is that I mean literally like quite literally like if if there's a sexual assault on location you shouldn't name remember when Ian was like remember when he was like there's a real good documentary about the Michael Brown case that was made by all black people and he listed off it was it was just nothing but like like yeah classic black conservatives that were just like

it was awesome it was it was what he just saw Thomas soul Samuel all Jackson from Django Darth Vader yeah yeah yeah yeah it was like a bunch of black leaders doesn't want you to know the truth about Mike Brown it's politics are so awesome they rock he's doing a bit where he's shitting on by people as a as a part of the most bisexual person ever actually it's not most yeah the thing is is like you know like people like people say like oh like a woman can be by but if a guy gives a bite then they're just they're fucking gay yeah and the thing is is like the reason people say that is because of guys like he right you know yeah instead of instead of being so biphobic you should just be you should be out there being less

gay this is great this is great it's a it's a quote sweet of someone saying at Ian animal sixty nine saw you outside the Montrose stop the other day just wanted to let you know that you were looking nice so then Ian says thank you and next time say hi instead of observing me from afar and tweeting about it days later crazy face oh man observing me you're listening to Ian podcast you're listening to us thinking about our friend Ian in podcast by Dan oh they just solved the the zodiac killer on a nest bridges yeah we're watching TV right now he made this an animated gift just him just pointing at the camera and that's awesome it could just be a regular photo could be a picture he does not know why is it again he made this again

in fact it's confusing as a kid in retweet of this post it's just a picture of Tony Soprano and it says you wake up as Tony Soprano what do you do yeah this is there we go I will say okay this is I want to wow this is insane they arrested will Smith today in Los Angeles hashtag will Smith will increase JK y'all you just got five danced happy April fools oh my who fell for that he says okay what the fuck I thought this is a pick why is it a jet how did you accidentally make an animated jet I don't I don't I don't know how to make one I know it's awesome it's also like being the guy who said who said fake links on April fools day yeah come on man he's in a rick roll oh I love him I know I wish he was here because

I do want to just I want to I want him to I want him to defend exactly this is unfair we just call him dial him in yeah I've missed all his guest appearance because he's been filling in for me unfortunately yeah oh shit nice bridges giving the zodiac killer is gone I love nice bridges dude yeah it's a good show you got cheech cheech hanging out cheech is a fucking awesome day one more isn't anything to me it should blast his ass Nash oh this is good conflicts with Russia question mark sheesh why are we putting up with this folks is Ian retweeting a compliment on his joke from little miss B I can't stop laughing it's so wrong and perfect the LOL will Smith will take his wife so wrong and perfect as his

tweets are like a little piece of dark chocolate for the fattest secretary you've ever seen it's so wrong and so fucking perfect I would say that's all Ian's writing yeah all LOL the idea that Chris Rock made fun of somebody with a disability for being bald if that's true I'm very quickly becoming disabled oh boy you are Ian my dad would like that he would that's Bill Maher right there level yeah that would be awesome if you can start writing for Bill Maher I was the store manager at Sunglass I was the store manager at Sunglass I was like hell yeah dude that's awesome he's so nice he's so nice oh my god oh my god that's so cool you're the store manager at Sunglass right that's awesome

That's awesome. He's so nice. That's so nice. That's so nice. That's really, really good stuff. Fuck. Yeah. Oh, fuck.

My stomach hurts. My stomach hurts. That's so good. Oh, fucking Ian. You're just an awesome guy. You're going to have an awesome time around Ian. That lady was smiling all day. Hey, you're so happy.

Thanks. You got to talk to the comic. Oh, my God. Yeah. I'm on vacation. She was talking like she was in an Oprah, in an Oprah audience. Yeah. I'm on vacation.

Fuck. Yeah. Dude. Fuck. Yeah. Dude. That rules. Manage your sunglasses.

Dude. I'm trying to get me some Oakley's. I'm trying to get my crap arounds. Fuck. Yeah. Dude. Oh, God. There goes Monk.

You guys ever watch Monk? Yeah, dude. Shalube with the big shalube. Shalube, you can fuck my bitch. Would you let Tony Shalube fuck your bitch? I think probably. Here's a good one. It's musical notes.

It's got one little fight at the Oscars and the world got scared. Now that is a fucking masterpiece. That is a fucking masterpiece right there. Yeah. Somebody just replied, I prefer to fight with pen and legislation. Pen and legislation. Oh, fuck. That was a little fight at the Oscars and the world got scared.

Doesn't even sort of. He starts off with a joke that's already bombing and then he makes it worse because he tries to like make it a society thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's always like, knock, knock. Who's there? Orange. And it's like an orange shoe.

And he's like, uh, aren't you glad it took 20 years to get out of Afghanistan? Bob, a boo, a big, big, big, big, long. Yeah, what's happening? You know, massive weapons, a mass destruction. I don't see any. Okay. All right. Here's a good one.

Quote tweet. So this is a bill to make daylight savings permanent has passed the US Senate. It's knock knock. Who's there? Oh, not, uh, the weapons of mass destruction because they don't exist. You're right. Right. That's good.

Yeah. Give me it at him. All right. So this is okay. First of all, getting rid of daylight savings is a great idea. It's stupid. It's stupid when shit gets dark at four, whatever. So breaking a bill to make daylight savings permanent just past the US Senate.

Ian's quote. Sweet US citizens. Can you erase student debt? Give us health insurance. Make sure we don't go to World War three or at least lower the price of gas. US government. No, but we can do this to prove that time isn't real to prove that time isn't real. I don't get that.

That's awesome. I love him. Dude. Fuck yeah. Dude. Yeah. And we're going to go buy some merch off Ian's website. Go see Vermont Ian.

April 1st. Oh yeah. That's already. We'll just plug it in the States. We'll make up for it. We'll make up for it by plugging it in the States. I was a manager at a sunglasses. Fuck yeah, dude.

Fuck yeah, dude. That rules. He's such a like purely good human being too. Oh fuck dude. Yeah. I gotta find it again. I gotta watch it one more time. Just one more dude.

Just one more, please. One more time. Oh hell yeah. We're back to the JJ. This is a commercial where they have him with the weirdest green screen background. You ever see him do stand up? No, I did never have. I remember when I was like young comic.

That was a guy that would come to your shitty clubs. Yeah, Irwin would book him. Yeah. And you'd be like, wow. Yeah. Like in your mind because like the celebrity is just one sphere. Yeah. So that's like to me is a retarded young man.

Yeah. That was no different than if they were like, we have Bruce Willis coming. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which by the way, shout out to Bruce. Something's fucked up with his head top. And we're praying for your big Bruce. Thank you for the, for all the years. I actually just quit my job.

My last day was two days ago. No shit. No shit. Oh yeah. What work did you do? I was a store manager at the time. Fuck it. Fuck, that's awesome.

That, ooh. I remember being in a, in a new place. Oh shit. This is brought to you by my bookie. Wow. My bookie. My bookie.ag. What a really old fucking excellent website.

An excellent website that's on the up and up with all of their financial transactions. I met the cushy dream. I know this is not a cushy dreams read, but I met the cushy dreams guy. He's the guy that said that I tanked his business. No, no, no. That was his brother, but the other two guys, two guys that you met. Oh, and feet were in Phoenix.

No, they were at the stand. They were in town. Oh, they were in town. And I don't know how it is. Like there's like a way that fucking only people that are in the weed business know how to wear a bandana and like a fitted hat. It's like a specific, yeah, like a flat brim. Yeah.

But then they also have like the bandana that I've only seen weed guys. Kind of an X games like moto cross look. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how Travis Pastrana style. Yeah. My bookie.ag is a gambling website for those, for the gentlemen of the, of the card.

That's right. For, uh, you know, if you're somebody that works at sunglass hot. Yeah. If you're a full man, if you have your sunglass hot severance package, you want to gamble? Well, no finer place to do it. My bookie.ag. I was, I was, uh, I was just a clerk at Radio Shack.

Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. That rule. He's so nice. I was the shift supervisor at McDonald's overnight shift supervisor at McDonald's. Fuck yeah, dude. That rules. Bet on anything, anywhere, anytime.

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You can cash out all this crap. And we got some big stuff to gamble on coming up. Yeah, the NBA playoffs are starting this week, in fact. I'm pissed off because I'm, oh, by the way, I'm going to be in Toronto this weekend. There's still tickets available for the Friday late show. All the other ones are sold out, but I'm pissed because I wanted to see the Raptors play the Sixers. But they're going to be affiliate.

The Raptors didn't have home court. You fucking Canadian pieces of shit. You blew it. You blew it. You fucked my ass. I wanted to watch a playoff game. But if you're from the comfort of your own home and you want to wager on these games, we got incredible first round matchups.

We got the Celtics will likely face the Nets. You got fucking Dallas. Now Luca's hurt. You know, they're playing the fucking jazz. The jazz sucks shit, but with Luca hurt, does that open the door for them? You know, Milwaukee's playing Chicago. They're going to fuck their asses. No questions asked about that.

But then we've got some potentially nice second round series. I mean, Memphis could play Golden State in the second round. That'd be something fucking wild. There's a lot of great stuff to look at. The bitch ass Lakers are out of it. All their fans are gay. Was it called Adam or did you shoot things diagonally? Like the movie Wanted?

Yeah. What's that called? I don't know. Bullet Bending? Something like Tilted or something? Yeah. They do that. Nash Bridges would do that a lot.

We're doing it right now. He's always at an angle. Yeah. Well, because they're in San Francisco. Yeah. Everything's on an angle. To show that it's downhill. Yeah.

Now that's a good directing. Yeah. Yeah. That's my memory of the show. This is Don Johnson being like, I'm still a piece of ass. Yeah. I mean, he is. He's still now.

He's probably like 85 years old and he looks better than I do. Yeah, dude. His daughter is also hot. When he's pounding down, he was looking good back then, too. His daughter's all right. I stop. Have you seen Dead Bang? I haven't.

You should watch that, dude. That movie is amazing. I should. You keep that. We've had this conversation. I always am like, I'm going to watch it. I never do. Yeah.

I was blown away. I thought it was going to be a piece of shit. Yeah. And what is it? Is it Frankenheimer? It's Frankenheimer. I think it is. Yeah.

Yeah. The trailer made it look like. Yeah. That actually had big tits. So anyway, guys, if you want to bet on the NBA play, Oh, this pushes a building over. Yeah. It's not attached to the ground in any way.

Cars empty. How did he do it? Oh, it's a child. Little kid. Wait. Who is that guy? That guy's an actor. Yeah.

Yeah. Wait. What is he in? I don't know. He's really familiar. It's Justin Gurini, I think. He does have a gorilla type look. He's got the green eyes.

He's light skinned. Don Johnson. Yeah. Look at this. Look how dated this intro is. I know. This was like everything. And I remember this looking like new as shit.

Oh, yeah. I was a kid. I don't want to look like this in the future. Don John. I respect Don Johnson being like, yeah, let me just do old version of Miami Vice. Dude, they're bringing, you know, they're bringing Nash Bridges back, right? With him. Yes.

That's awesome. He was like, I always loved the character. He just won a bunch of money in a lawsuit too. For what? He owned like half. Louis CK jacked off. Yeah. And you know what?

Save your crocodile tears. Chris Brown also beat the shit out of him. And that was 20 years ago. And though he beat his own dick. Chris Brown beat Rihanna. And that's a real equivalency that makes a lot of motherfucking sense. What do you do? I'm a defense attorney for men who mess up in front of women.

If you go to fuck. Yeah, dude. That rules. If you go to my bookie dot A G and you sign up, sign up with promo code come town or come town 20 either works. So if you try one and it doesn't work, do not try the other one. Give up. No.

Try the other one. Try the other one. Don't listen to Nick. Now listen to me. You could play Baccarat, American roulette, European roulette, war. Well, there's different kinds. You play fucking a high card, low card on the line with a stranger. Caribbean.

That's awesome. Yeah. Crap for money. Triple A is really just a fucking degenerate. They need to feel something completely randomly. Imagine doing that. It's a cartoon on a computer. It's a digital coin flip game where you play a hundred dollar hands.

Yeah. There's a game called Red Dog. Look at this guy's name. Robert Richard. Robert Richard. Three-card rummy. That was great. Maybe that's Robert Richard right there.

It might be. Asia is not Richard. No. It said Robert here. Are we one? E in the end? No. High gal for all of our Chinese listeners.

Leo's big score is the episode. This is the episode. Pay attention here. Guest starring Robert Richard. Oh, Richard. I said it. That's great. Very funny way to spell your name.

R.I. Apostrophe C.H. R.D. Hell yeah. Yeah. This kid's been a lot of shit as an adult. I mean, he's older shit now. What's his name?

I don't know. Turd Kressler. We can check. We can look it up. Leo's big score. Turd Kressler. Anyway, listen. I'm in Toronto this weekend.

The tour for me is finally ending. I'm fucking tired. The road is sucking my dick. But we've got a couple big dates left before I take a whole summer sabbatical. Toronto this weekend, Providence, the 28th through the 30th, Washington, DC, the 12th through the 15th, and then Philadelphia, the 16th through the 18th. For some reason. Oh, in San Diego, San Diego, the 19th through the 20th.

Ian will be there. He will be saying fuck. Yeah, dude. People have been asking me about t-shirts. The merch is going to drop at some point in the next two weeks. Keep an eye out. It's going to be on a website, adamfreeland.com, probably. La Jackpot de Leo is what Google calls this episode Leo's big score.

I don't know why. And also subscribe to my YouTube channel. I am dropping my special there in May. I still have to tweak a couple things so I don't have the exact final date, but it's happening for sure in May. I promise. I've promised a hundred times it's actually happening. Probably middle of May.

Oh, it's Robert Richard. It's him. That's it. Yeah. Leo. What else has he been in? Coach Carter. Yep.

Yes. Yes. Wait, that's where that's where he taught him how to play the game, but he also taught him how to play the game of life. Right. House of Wax. I don't remember. Cousin Skeeter, of course.

Yeah. Famously on the show Cousin Skeeter. Yeah. Oh, one on one. I should have something called California. You ever watched one on one on UPN? That's where I know him from. I thought his name was Michael Glue.

No. Oh, okay. Well, who is Michael Glue? I don't know. One on one was awesome. It was supposedly set in Baltimore. One of those UPN shows. That show really bothered me.

I loved it. I thought the daughter was hot. I think it was just like it was at a time in my life where I think like when I was younger than that, I was like, every show is good because it's on TV. Right. If it's on TV, then they're right and I'm wrong. I think that's still right. And then when I saw that, I was like, I'm not laughing at it.

It didn't make me laugh. I wanted to fuck the daughter. She was hot. Well, who the fuck is Michael Glue? This guy. You know who Robert Richard is, guys? There's a white version of him who's evil in every movie. Here we go.

If you look at, there's a guy that looks just like you. This guy. Microsoft most valuable professional business applications. Michael Glue from Canada. I don't think that's it. I get how he's confusing the two of them. Robert Richard is in a dynamics three, six, five business central developer since 2001, beginning with Navison 2.6.

Oh, that's probably they don't really look. He kind of looks like Jim Norton. He does. So maybe I was confusing Jim Norton with Michael Glue. Right. Right. And then who the fuck did I? I guess I thought the other guy was Patrice.

We should watch this movie. It's called chocolate city, colon Vegas, but it looks like it is. Okay. Chocolate. That's the. It is like a Adam Friedland story. It's about it's. So it's like a black version of magic mic.

Right. So in this one, the exotic dance. What do they call it? My black chick Mike, the dancers from chocolate city get back together for a trip to Vegas and a chance at $500,000 in prize money to save the nightclub from foreclosure. That's it. They decide to enter a national stripper competition.

They must travel to Vegas to try their luck at winning. There's also this guy. Michael glue from Cheltenham, England. No, that's pretty. Oh, my name is Michael glue. I'm single. I'm 26 years old. Water.

I'm fucking dying over here. I'll be right back. You are cute. Sacred. I love this video. Michael J. White is in this movie and Vivica Fox. I love your voice.

Mel B from the spice girls. This is a great cast. Oh, this guy, Keith Carlos. I just wanted to say thank you so much for your support. I'm here with Casper from the band. We're the airport in Paris. So we're on our way to LA now. And hopefully we'll be on our way to LA.

I will be so cool. What is that? I don't know. Cigarette Brazil. Fonte Bracelera Sobre Cantora E compositora. No reguesa secret. So she's some British singer. That's pretty cool.

What is this? I don't know. Some Brazilian. I hope we get sued by this awesome cup. That's pretty good. You know, Dave. I forget is it right? I think it's a Greek guy.

Magic. Right. It's been listening to show forever. Greek guy. Some Greek guy that does real estate. That's been like he's been writing the show since it started. Huh? I don't know.

Some guy. He got you this mug. He sent it to me. That's nice. Dave Wright. I think his name. I forget his name. I want to talk more.

I think it's like maybe his right. Right. Right. Yeah. Right. So right. So a bunch of child porn. No, we don't do that.

Right. Yeah. Right. What do you mean? Write it. Yeah. If you're describing it in like a novelized. Yeah.

Lolita is not. I want to see this movie. It was a good book. Chocolate City. Colin. Dude, this sucks. That's why she made me feel weird, dude. Yeah.

Who is this bitch? This is the worst music I've ever heard. Honestly. This is like truly offensive. This was on the late show with the fat British guy. James Corden. James. Yeah.

James Corden, who is, by the way, the host of come town. He's our favorite late night host. Who is secret? Who is secret? Secret? Secret. Like cigarette? I don't know.

I don't know. I mean, his music is bad as comedy. Probably. No way. No, I mean, you know. No way. Not even close. Damn, I'm in trouble breathing.

Music is awesome, dude. Music is like my life. You're right. There was a lot of salt in that. Fuck it. Dude, this usually makes me feel bad. I want to throw up. This is what I get for not getting a bodega sandwich.

I'm never not getting a bodega sandwich for lunch ever again. No, it's suck dick grid. It's a secret. It's bad, dude. That's CIA bullshit. She's bad. Okay. I like this one.

Hey. It's got like K-pop vibes. Yeah, exactly. Hey. Should I try and enroll in K-pop Idol School? Yes. You think they'll take me? I'm trying to go over to Korea and be the Michael McDonald of K-pop.

That would be so awesome. I would just have Korean barbecue for every meal. I'd die in like four weeks. Man, they put you on that crazy diet. They get you so much plastic surgery, too. I would look like handsome Squidward. You look very gorgeous. No, I would have a big chin.

Squidward. I'd look like handsome Squidward. The Bogdanovitch twins. Yes, exactly. Yeah, they're dead, right? The Butchiks of Itch Twins. They're dead? Yeah, they both died at the same time.

They both died together. Dude, that's beautiful. Yeah. That's the kind of... It's not much they love each other. Yeah, no woman could ever love them like they loved each other. They probably hate it having sex with women. Oh my God.

How could you be the perfect man and then demean yourself by having sex with a normal woman? That's such a good question. That's a really great question. Those poor fellows. They even have to talk to women. Anyways, I guess back to Ian's Twitter. Okay, let's go back to that. Oh boy, I'm sleepy.

We don't have to go back to Ian's Twitter. I don't even have the fucking... All right, I guess I'll keep looking at Seagrid's Twitter. Trying to figure out who this is. What the hell is this? I'm red-pilled, I'm blue-pilled, I'm black-pilled. Hey, gang, I'm addicted to pills. That's pretty good.

This tweet is based... I don't know if it's pretty good. Should I move to Scandinavia and be the Michael McDonald of K-pop? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. Well, you got to... Flour from Ian. Flour from Ian.

You got to... Sneaking them in. Sneak a couple in. You can always sneak a couple in. I do want to go back to Korea. I only went that one time. No, man, chill. What?

You know what? What? What part about sneaking a couple in? That's not really... I wouldn't call that one a sneak. That's not really a sneak. No, stop. I'm trying to sneak a couple in.

Well, I didn't hear it, and that's fine. As long as I didn't hear it. No, stop doing it. Damn, she's hot. Beverly Johnson. Secret? I don't know secret. I don't give a fuck about that, bitch.

And secrets. You've got a new single coming out? Yes. Is she hot? She's pretty. She's not as hot as Kyla Pratt. She's very pretty, but... From the show, from UPN's One on One.

She was also on Dr. Dolittle. I like secret. No, no, Kyla Pratt. I'll knock people points down if they're just hot. The standard issue hot of their ethnicity. She's lovely. You know what I mean? Who, secret?

Yeah, I'm falling in love with her. Shut up, dude. You already have a... Girlfriend? No. I said a small day. Secret. Secret is not that hot.

She kind of looks weird. She looks like a real girl. She looks like a disgusting piece of pizza. She looks like a real person. I don't know why women do that. What? They post pictures themselves eating the worst slice of pizza I've ever seen. Yeah, you were complaining about Chelsea Manning on Sunday, which will come out soon.

Yeah, the Sunday episode, Nick, really goes in on Chelsea Manning's first post after jail. I guess she looks like a regular bitch. Which, you know what? That means... That's nice. But here's the thing. If you look regular, then you... But she's not regular.

She's a famous person. Right. So you'd have to put up with... Yeah, but she looks like a regular person. You'd have to put up with all of the... But she's not good enough at singing to look regular. Seagrid, if you're listening, we've already decided we're not dating yet. Seagrid, we're not...

I mean, listen, hold on. I'll let you suck me off. A couple times, even. But no, I don't want a relationship. Seagrid, I would treat you so good. Shut up. Here's what I would do. I'd invite you over to my apartment.

Stop kissing up to Seagrid. And then I'd explain Ian Fydance to you. And then I'd say, you know what? I just got to show you. And I'd play the video and you'd watch me sit here cackling if the sunglasses hut crowd work video. For hours, then we'd watch Natch Bridges until my dick gets even softer than it was in your rise. I was like, what you don't realize is like, this is like... The Ed Trader show is like a Baltimore history show.

And then they put this guy, Tom Myers. Is this Seagrid? Yeah, I don't know. It's just European enough that it makes me feel like it's like a fake thing. No, I'm not interested in Seagrid. Yeah. Well, it's like the music and all of it. It's like, it's like, it's like fake music that's created for like the Sims or some other

alternate reality where like this is a pop style. It doesn't even sound like she's saying English. That's right. Wow. She's with... But now I'm kind of hooked on the idea of being the... The Seagrid of a boyfriend? I don't know.

If you ask that question again, I'm going to spin kick your head off. You really want to fuck Seagrid that bad, dude? No, I just think she's nice. Shut up. She just looks like a nice person. She doesn't look nice. She looks like a standard issue Danish type bitch. Honestly, she's not that hot.

Or Norwegian, whatever the fuck she is. Compared to the pussy that we get, the three of us, she's nothing. Oh, she's kissing someone. She's a fucking war. Fucking slut. Nikolai and Thor, Nikolai Shermer. Oh my God, now I clicked on his profile. He's doing aggressive skiing.

Your voice sucks. You're ugly. Fuck you. I hate you. Adam's scorned now. Nikolai. From the time... Look at this guy.

He's so extreme at skiing. Damn, I want to cut this guy's head off with a fucking katana. You want to kill Nikolai? I've never seen him, but if I could eviscerate this man. You want to kill Nikolai for having sex with Seagrid? He soaked the slopes of Norway with his fucking gut blood. Fuck you. And then have a nice big fucking reindeer pie afterwards.

I'm so mad. I would honestly love to go on a massive killing spree through Scandinavia. I don't want to go there. Imagine a killdozer, but it's got chains with blades on the end. Fly around like a helicopter. Like a ground bitch. Go to the hospital, bitch. You get free fucking medicine.

Why don't you use it? Fucking cunt. That's the kind of shit I would love. That place seems like, you know, like it would be pretty, but it's also... Did you ever really find out this girl's 12? That's a great point. She's very likely underage. This is just a 12-year-old.

You're talking about letting her suck you big. I'm like, I want to kill her boyfriend. I don't want to see how old this bitch is. Oh, okay, 96. We're good. Oh my God, she's too old. She's fucking an old bitch. Oh, a cigarette.

Cigarette Rob himself. That's her last name. She's related to himself? Yeah. She's a member of the himself family? I think that's her accent. She's from fucking Pennsylvania. That's an interesting accent.

Are you from Pennsylvania? She's from Alisson, Norway. I'm from the... Oh, you know what though? That fucking movie, the Norseman or whatever. My dick is on titanium. My dick is on 10,000% of that one. You're naming it.

Oh, by the way, Bluetooth will get your dick on titanium. If there's not a cool movie about viking revenge to get your dick hard, then you need chewable tablets from our friends over at Bluetooth.com. Oh my God. It's been really nice. That's why they call him the king of the Segway, this guy. And the thing is, guys, I've been on tour. I've been living really unhealthy.

I've been getting fatter. My circulation is getting worse. But due to Bluetooth, my dick has stayed hard. The pussy don't stop and the dick keep getting hard. Just because I'm slowly dying doesn't mean I'm going to stop getting pussy. And Bluetooth makes it possible for my cock to ignore the warning signs from my body and get hard. Quite literally, the way that nature intended it is how life should be, because you should lose your ability to get a boner and then come to terms with your mortality.

Exactly, but not me. And then you become a bad person. I keep getting chewable tablets. But you can now take these damn pills from our friends at, or these chewables from our friends at Bluetooth.com. Thank you. And they may work faster. And they may. It's possible.

Talks theoretical speaking. You can get them the generic ingredients behind Viagra. Yeah, let's tell them. To Dallafilx and Dallafilx. Exactly. You can get them in different strengths. You can get it at different amounts per month. And all you have to do is go on and talk to one of their licensed medical providers online.

No awkward visits to the doctor. Nothing. You don't go to the doctor and say, Doc, my dick gets softer than fucking Fed-a-Cheese. Bulgarian Fed-a-Cheese, which is softer by the way. In Greek. Yeah. Wetter. Secret is a brand ambassador for Gore-Tex.

She is? Yeah. What's Gore-Tex? Well, I'll tell you what it is. It's certainly not a chewable to get your dick hard. Right. Maybe she should be a brand ambassador for Bluetooth. In fact, we'll say Bluetooth officially sponsored by...

By Secret. Secret. Secret soba-crab. Who's dating a Nikolai skirmar, professional skier from Grumso. How the fuck did we start talking about this, man? I don't know. I looked up Michael Glew. Oh, Michael Glew.

You thought that black kid actor's name was Michael Glew. And then you found a British guy named Michael Glew. And I guess he's a fan of secret. He is. Wow. Okay, that makes sense. Fuck yeah, dude. You're a fan of secret.

Fuck yeah, dude. That's awesome. Michael Glew? I'm a really bad singer from Norway. Fuck yeah, dude. That's awesome. Fuck yeah, dude. Follow Ian on Ianimal69 on Twitter.

Follow him on Twitter. Follow him on Twitter. I guarantee you he fucked secret already. You think so? Probably. That's the kind of shit you find out. He does randomly fuck hilarious. He's like, yeah, I fucked secret 13 years ago.

Yeah. You know, bathroom and fucking there. Yeah, I fucked Lisa Ann. Yeah. Did he? No, I know it would have been awesome. She was around when I first moved. Yeah, I met her a couple of times.

Yeah, I just missed her, unfortunately. You missed your chance to nail Palin. I would have loved to nail Palin, honestly. She's much smaller than you think. She's a tiny. Yeah, because they film. The actors are a lot smaller. Lexington Steel's penis is actually three inches long.

Yeah. You know, he's actually Chinese. There's a lot of cameras. He's an airbrushed Chinese guy. Yeah. It's something like Olly Jeanine. She's like tall. She's like a baby.

Right, right, right. That's true. Anyway, guys, you go to Bluetooth.com. You talk to one of their licensed medical providers online in this in your own home. And guess what? No, you don't have to go to the fucking pharmacy. They send it in discreet pack.

To your door. Your neighbors would be like, what the hell is this? What is this little brown? What is he a spy? Getting a dossier? He might know what is this fucking James Bond? I should suck his cock because he's a spy. And guess what?

It'll be hard. Hard. It'll be hard. It'll be hard. It'll be hard. It'll be hard. It'll be hard. I just want to get my cock hard.

Maybe I can get your cock hard for you. Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. That's awesome. I'm part of two minds where I really love to see where it goes, but that moment is also so beautiful and pure. I don't want to spoil it. I'm never playing the rest of that clip.

In fact, I'm going to encourage people to take that clip, cut it off there and repost it. And try to get that viral is like this is the best comedian I've ever seen. Yeah. Different variations on just just fuck. Yeah, dude. That's all.

Yeah, dude. That's awesome. Great. Just make that like a very popular. You go to blue shoe.com. If you love sex, you love blue shoe.com. If you love sex, you'll love it. You put in promo code.

Come down. Guess what guys? You just pay the shipping and you get your first month free. That's right. You believe it? You just pay $5 for shipping and you get a hard cock for a month. That's awesome. Keep going.

You can keep giving them money. If you don't, if you want just one month of hard cock, it's also what is Oh, this is a really big thing. I found a really bad cigarette of deep, not even deep fake shallow fake. People are making that dude. I guess it was famous. The secret is huge dude.

Cigarette. Please come on the show. I will pop a chew before you're on. Yeah, dude. Anyway, it's promo code. Come down or come down twenty for five dollars. Just you just pay the shipping. You get your first month free.

It changes your fucking life. How many times do we have to fucking tell you this? That's awesome. Now in the cigarette people also search for there's somebody named Griff, who I would fuck easily. She also appears to be a singer, so Griff. This is the Griff, the Chinese one. She's half Jamaican, half Chinese, according to this Wikipedia question

that says what race is she? See which brands won't quit Russia. A quick little boycott guide for people that still. That's a sick combo, dude. Half Chinese, half Jamaican. You know there's a lot of Chinese people in Jamaica? I one time, I was in one of my jobs out of college. I wrote like a teacher of the year award in Montgomery County

and somehow I like. You won? I know. I wrote the profiles for them. One of them was a lady called Miss Chin. Her name was like, I don't know, whatever the fuck her name was. Michelle Chin or whatever. And I go there expecting.

Cigarette getting deep peed. Cigarette getting deep peed while guys are in the background just beating off. Damn. So it's Montgomery County and her name is Michelle Chin. So I just assume it's going to be just a fucking Chinese American lady or whatever. It was a white woman with a Jamaican accent. It was a white lady that grew up in Jamaica who married a Chinese guy from Jamaica. Wow.

Yeah, dude. It threw me the fuck off. She had a Chinese accent? She had a Jamaican accent. Jamaican accent. She was white. And her husband was a man. It was named.

White lady named. Hear me now. Who's trying to do a little bit of math? Yeah. Who's trying to do. I think she was a math teacher. I tell you one, I tell you two, I tell you three. She was either a math teacher or a bio teacher.

I forget. But yeah, that's what I was like on my, I was a little freelance writer. Have you seen that video of that white kid that grew up in like China? Yes. Of course. In Singapore. In Singapore. Yeah.

That video is hilarious. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. It's really good. I grew up in Singapore. That's awesome. Yeah.

He talks really good. Damn. Who's this old bitch on that cheats fucking? There's Paula Dean. That's not Paula Dean, dude. Did we see promo code come town? Yeah. Yeah.

Come down. Come down 20. First month. First month. Yeah, dude. First month free. Just pay the shipping and get your dick harder than it's ever been in your fucking. Fuck.

Yeah, dude. That's awesome. Show me your fucking penis. Fuck. Yeah. Dude. Um, cigarette can suck my dick. What are you playing?

This is the Chinese Jamaican recording. How the Chinese influenced Jamaican reggae. This is good. Why'd you stop it? My phone. My phone. My phone. Fuck you, dude.

Fuck. Yeah. Fuck you, dude. I guess Texas charged a woman with murder for having a self-induced abortion. Damn. That's fucked up. Good. If you have an abortion, get out of Texas.

You can move this California. Um, I say it's not good, personally. Starr County Sheriff's Office arrested 26-year-old LaZell Herrera on Thursday. LaZell. Yeah. Damn. That little motherfucker in the wheelchair is acting a fool over there. Who's that, Richard?

No, no, the governor of Texas. Oh, yeah, he's in the wheelchair. Look at Richard. Do you remember who he plays in Coach Carter? He plays Coach Carter's son who goes to the private school on a basketball scholarship and he's like, no, I want to be coached by my dad. So he de-enlists from the private school without his parents knowing. And then signs out for the public school.

He just shows up. And he shows up and he's like, have you lost your damn mind? Right. You know, he gets mad at him. Right. But then he's like, all right, come join the team. And he's like, oh, fancy boy from the private school. You know what's always funny about guys?

And he's also light-skinned. Guys in wheelchairs always sit gay in the wheelchair. Huh? You know what I mean? Guys in wheelchairs always sit gay. Because their legs are small. Yeah, they sit gay. They're like, I just don't think you should be allowed if you want trans people in schools,

you know, with a thing. Yeah, yeah. That's why they're being homophobic. Yeah. Because they're lectures. They look so gay. Yeah. They should honestly, they should make a movie like Dallas Buyer's Club, but it's just

a guy that loses the use of his legs when he's sitting like that and he's trying to go to his cowboy bars and they're like, get the hell away from me. You fucking queer. He's like, I'm the same damn guy I was. Dallas Gay Sitting Club. Dallas Sitting Really Gay Club. Dallas Sitting like a fucking, like a British debutante. Look at his dumb little legs.

That's funny that he's fucking handicapped. Texas is open for business and closed for abortion. And you better deal with it. Yeah, he looks stupid. Fuck him. Yeah, dude. Greg Abbott can suck my ball, my little ball sack. Yeah.

He's a loser. My legs don't work. I lost the use of my legs. How do you do it? Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. I heard he was, he lost his legs managing a sunglass.

A sunglass? Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. That's awesome. Fuck yeah, dude. We gotta listen to that. Fuck yeah, dude. Damn, dude.

This sums up with this sushi. I'm going to go take a nap after this. Yeah. I might have to put a little diaper on. I feel sluggish now. Lay down in bed, get the diaper on. Take a nap and fucking let nature take its course, dude. Dude, diaper in bed sounds nice, dude.

Have you ever got a nap? Have you ever? I mean it, dude. Have you gotten into diaper naps? I've never taken a diaper nap. So I put a diaper on. I hit a couple of poppers and then I fucking taken a nap. Also let your ass cheeks fucking clean themselves out.

Fuck it. I keep a trash can right by the bed. Just wake up, kick that shit open, diaper off. Right. You know, maybe wipe myself a bit, pants back on, go about my day. That's awesome. Yeah.

Because I hate having to lose a half hour of sleep to shit. You got to get one of those trash cans with like the lid on it though. Of course, because you want to keep the shit smell. Because yeah, it smells fucking, yeah. I try doing, I try just leaving them like by the dirty clothes. And the fucking, you know, the... No, that makes sense. But you know, that's trial and error.

The upstairs neighbor complained and fucking 3-1-1 came out. Right. They do a welfare check because they thought, you know... Your parents were abusing you? Yeah, something like that. No, I'm just trying a new thing. I'm trying to do it now. This is natural.

We weren't meant to shit in toilets. I'm like, okay, so when I do it, it's a fucking municipal crime. Meanwhile, the governor of Texas lives his life that way. You want to get the city involved. This guy's out there calling trans people freaks while he's literally shitting himself. He shits himself all the time. Sitting like a princess. But I can't shit in my own bed.

That's the craziest thing. You see him there. I can't get myself in my own bed of my own volition. He's perched there with his tiny legs. You know, he's got a diaper on and he's like, children shouldn't be exposed to men holding hands. Right. They shouldn't be exposed to your legs than either, chief.

Yeah, you're disgusting. A lot of people are saying like, ableism, it doesn't matter if you're taking shots of fascists. Ableism is never okay. And my answer to those people is, you're going to have to speak up because I'm hard of hearing. There's a little uno reverse on you. Very nice.

I'm actually fucking deaf. Right. And then they sign something to you. You're like, what? I didn't learn sign language. I didn't learn that. Well, just because I'm deaf, I got to know sign language. I'm illiterate.

What's next? Black people got to eat fried chicken? Is that what, that's the next thing? And then they're like, that's not even close to the same thing. What's next? You're bigoted ass pun. You're bigoted fucking stereotypes about the deaf that they all know sign language. Piece of shit.

Who's this guy? Oh, it's this guy. Oh, that's, yeah. Yeah. He was the bodyguard in true romance. He was also in that, he was also in a sitcom. He plays, maybe it's according to Jim. Is he Jim?

That guy used to be around all. Was he a wrestler? No. He just had a wrestling look. Yeah. He had the ponytail. He was the blonde ponytail bodyguard in true romance. That's a movie dude.

Great flick. Dude, Don Johnson is such a piece of ass. Yeah. Tony Sopranos is great in it. He really is dude. Yeah, it's great. It's almost just like. I feel bad I gotta hurt you, sweetheart.

It honestly just feels like young Tony Sopranos. He's great in there. I'm gonna make it hurt. I'm sorry, but I gotta fuck with you. Do you remember that movie, the Mexican? He doesn't do Tony. He doesn't do Tony voice in there. Not Tony voice, but the character is like a mobster.

No, but he's not doing that. Yeah. Do you remember the Mexican? He doesn't do his own voice. I gotta suck you off. He doesn't do his own voice either. Cause his own voice is kind of like. I gotta put your penis in my mouth.

I gotta suck your penis. I gotta suck what? Now I gotta suck your penis. Oh, look, it's this guy. The guy from the David Lynch movie. Which movie? I don't fucking know that one. Why this guy's in a fucking wheelchair?

Get the fuck up out of that fucking chair. Get out of the fucking chair. You look like a fucking frigate. Get out of the fucking chair. Stand up like a man. Stand up like a man. Stand up like a man. Oh, yeah.

Look at his tiny little legs. Look at his tiny little legs. It's the diner. Yeah. The dumpster. That's the scariest thing in any movie ever. In what movie? In fucking Mulholland Drive.

In Fuckly's Day Out. Yeah. This guy's scary. You know what's really scary? What's that? You suck at my dick. That's awesome. You know what?

You never see a Chinese guy in a wheelchair. They never have. I think you do. Yeah. They've never. Why? Because they do harakuri. They do seppuku.

Seppuku. Yeah. All right, guys. So it's been a great episode of Come Town. Really? That's awesome. Fuck yeah, dude. Well, in 765.

Dude, this one flew. This was a great episode. Two. Shout out to Ian Fiden. Thanks a lot, everyone. Thanks for watching.