The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 31 – The Birthday Bitch

Episode Date: December 14, 2016

It’s my birthday. Or it was my birthday. I’m old now, and I’m sick. And children have to respect me. And I’m allowed to be racist now because I’m old and I beat the Nazis.

Is the music picking up? It is. Yeah, but it would make it better. It doesn't matter. Guys, I don't know if the music's picking up on the background or not, but Celebrate is playing. Celebrations. Why are we celebrating, Nick? I heard your complaints about the audio quality the last couple of episodes, so as a special treat,

we're doing this one in the basement of Caroline while music is playing. And there's some kind of weird resonance on one of the mics from a cell phone. Bitch ass. Yeah, it is my birthday. This is a birthday spectacular.

Yay, happy birthday, Nick. Happy birthday, bitch. Thanks. I'm fucking old now. The birthday bitch. I'm fucking old as shit. The birthday bitch. Adam's still the oldest one on the show.

Really? How old are you, Adam? I'll forever be the oldest one on the show. That's how time works. How old are you, bitch? I'm 29 years old. Oh, look at Neil deGrasse Tyson over here explaining how time works. Neil deGay Tyson.

Neil Dick suck. Yeah. Damn. Neil deKyke Tyson. He. Neil Dick Ike Tyson. He's a Jamaican Jewish guy. Hey, man. It's Neil Dick Ike. It's Neil Dick Ike Tyson.

I got a lot because of him. I live right near the bank. Oh, fuck. Good start. That's the episode. We didn't have to joke in. Happy birthday, Nick. That was my present to you.

It was great. Me being anti-Semitic to myself. My present is just not doing the podcast anymore. I did buy, I bought like one of those 4K TVs today. You did? Yeah. Oh, hell yes. It was on sale for Black Friday, the one I was looking at.

For like $200 off and it was already pretty cheap because it was last year's model. Nice. And then it went right back up and I was like, oh, fuck. Well, I guess that's the ship's sale on that. Then I Googled it today and it was back down $200 for some reason. Ooh! Yeah. It's that.

And I was like, damn, girl. Are you getting, when's it coming in? Thursday. White glove delivery. Nice, dude. Yeah. You know what white glove means, right? What?

It means those piss shit fucking salesmen, the delivery men, aren't allowed to touch my electronics. And so use a white man's hand. White motherfucking glove. You gotta buy a PS4 now, dude. Eventually, I guess. I gotta. You know what? I was helping Norman Hormones Wilkerson move one time.

Yeah, yeah. Or not move. He just had to move a bunch of shit in and out of his house. Him and his wife bought this house and remodeled it themselves. So they were moving shit in and out of the garage. And while we were moving, I found this pair of white gloves. Very fancy white gloves. And so I put them on.

And then I was just pantomiming lifting stuff like a mime which was initially a very funny bit but then after like 20 minutes i still wasn't helping at all i was just you know like pretending to carry stuff and they're like seriously why are you even fucking here if you're just gonna keep doing that and then i left the patio door open they're like close that the cats are gonna get out and i just pretended to close it and the cats ran outside and they just weren't amused lulu thought it was very funny lulu was there who's that his wife no lulu is part of the uh uh oh stanhope's girl sort of yeah no no no that's uh what's her name but lulu and i'm his name is Nemo? No. Bingo. Bingo. They were, Isaac and Lulu were my first roommates in Austin.

And they're like, they're part of that, the old like Stanhope Panamint crew. Right. People that would go out to the desert. Just go do drugs and shit like cool. Someone's smoking a cigar in here? Yeah, it smells like. That's me. It smells like a fucking black black and mild when you when you

turn 28 you become old you just smell like cigars and you're racist but it smells like the pipe do you guys ever smoke the pipe uh brand of black and mild that had the wooden tip no but nick used to smoke pipes in his windowless room in chinatown dude i just cleaned out my pipe and i'm gonna start smoking it why that is? That is fucking disgusting. You're just sitting in smoke? Yeah, just smoking my Briarwood pipe. My English blend tobacco. Taking showers in a big ass utility sink in the hallway?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's this old ass woman that would make soup in that disgusting sink. A big rectangular sink. It was always clogged. You'd go in there and she'd be like, I have no idea what you're saying. She's like, I'm like,

we're not going to get anywhere. I don't know what you're saying. How many people did live on that floor? Nine. Nine? Nine, yeah. Nine people occupied it. I don't know how many people stayed there. There was? Nine. Nine? Nine, yeah. Nine people occupied it. I don't know how many people stayed there.

There was somebody, you know what's great? It's like, because I guess the doctor wanted to rent it out to other businesses. So the first two rooms were like rooms before he gave up and was like, yeah, you can just live here. So the first room was another acupuncture massage guy. And that guy was great I would go bump cigarettes from him and he would always be sitting watching Chinese movies on the shitty little TV while there was like a naked man behind him on the table like a naked Chinese man just lying face down with his ass out and he

would like just sort of like yes and then like slowly closed the curtain behind them to cover the new Chinese man. Be like, can I get a cigarette? Imagine going to a business where it's right next to just you in a windowless room smoking a pipe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like three children. And for my troll blog career. Yeah, that was Nicole Mullen headquarters.

Those were good days. My favorite thing about that place is that you had a lock on the door, but the door was basically like shutters. It was like Venetian blinds, kind of. Literally, if you wanted to steal Nick's $12.37 worth of possessions, you could just karate chop your way into this room. Well, what's interesting is they built the place with karate. That's true.

That's the secret to breaking it down is they karate chopped all that fucking equipment up on the walls. There was no, like, fridge or anything, right? I bought a fridge. I bought a mini fridge and put it in the- There's no, like, common fridge, right? No. And then I had to sell that mini fridge on Craigslist. And some guy, like, called me at, like, 2 o'clock, 2.30 in the morning on like a Wednesday,

and he's like, you still got that fridge? Who needs a fridge that bad? These are real fridge hours. Yeah. Oh, fuck, man. Yeah, well, you've made it now. You have a 65-inch television. Yeah.

You're 28 years old. No one thought this was ever going to happen. Never thought you'd make it past 25. Joke's on you. He's still alive. He's still alive, bitch. And he's never going to die. When you were making fun of retarded kids in high school,

in your remedial high school class, which was just a step up above being retarded. I wasn't making fun of retarded kids in high school. You were laughing at people. You were laughing at people. You were laughing at the junior high. Were you talking about some retarded kid eating berries or something? Oh, yeah. That wasn't me making fun of them. I was just observing.

What was that shit again? You were fucking, was that in high school or middle school? It was it was yeah, high school. High school. Sorry, I got a weird I got a phone call from New Hampshire.

So I'm worried. Live free or die. Right. I'm worried it's some libertarian. Dude, it's Bernie. He's going to challenge me to a duel. That's all they do.

They call people and challenge them to duels. Fucking yeah, no, my friend used to we had like open lunch and he and him and these other guys would sit outside of like the wing of the school that was like a special education school built into the high school right and they would like nickname all of the developmentally disabled kids and like you, so there was one that was like Squirrel Boy. And then Frog Girl.

Oh, God. They're just different animals? Yeah, well, there was one kid that they called him like Scary Face or something like that. He was just like, he was probably Mexican. I don't remember. God damn it, now they're leaving me voicemails. Oh. Hey, Nick, happy birthday.

Not fuck, fuck, fuck my phone, so I called the phone my monthly time to go through. I'm reading the transcript. Wanted to tell you I love you with happy birthday at work. Safe, bye. Oh, yeah, I just tweeted out your phone number for people to call you and tell you happy birthday. Did you really?

No. That would be really funny. That birthday did you really no that would be really that would have been a good bit it's probably it's probably my mom that's why that's why there's three fucks that's why she said fuck fuck fuck fuck she's dtf yeah uh no okay so these guys uh sorry i can't deal with with random phone calls after that f thing. Yeah. I was watching, when the FBI called me, I was watching The Big Short. Oh, man. The scene where, you know, they're fucking,

like, you know, the investigation is growing or whatever, and then I get a phone call from the fucking FBI. And this guy, you know what, I'm just going to play the voicemail. Who is it? It's Coach from Friday Night Lights, right? The FBI guy? No, that was in uh he was the fbi guy in wolf of wall street oh that's wolf of wall street yeah i forget big short big short was like

the worst wolf of wall street yeah it's just wolf of wall street but with nerds yeah guys who fucking bought fuck it like wasted all their money on like rock climbing gyms when they got rich like fucking whores and shit yeah which i'm trying to see the Quaaludes and prostitutes one. Honestly, that made, I want to be a Wall Street guy, dude. That shit is so cool. Yeah, it's cool, dude. You get to be one of those baseball bats. They throw a midget.

Hi, I'm trying to reach Nick Mullen. My name is Jim Mahoney. I'm a special agent with the FBI. It's Monday, January 18th, about 445. Just looking for a time to talk to you, answer some questions in regards to something that we're looking into. I'll give you a call probably tomorrow or the next day to see when you're available. All right?

Talk to you then. Thanks. Bye. What day was that? It was January 18th wow 2016 what a wild ride

yeah yeah no sorry but anytime I get a phone call now from a mysterious number I'm worried it's going to be that voicemail I got

while watching the big short from an FBI agent with like a with a mid-Atlantic accent too which made it seem even more like a that guy

kinda yeah a little bit I thought he was like New York. I think because I was reported by my uncle or whatever that it went to probably the Philadelphia... The Dundalk? Yeah, the field office, yeah. No, he's like, look, I get a chance to talk to you. If there's any opportunity, I got some questions that I want to ask you. Did you ever describe that story on the pod?

I've told it on other podcasts. This is more of, we like to keep it loose here. So let's get back to this story about the... Scary face the retarded child is. Sorry, I keep getting distracted. No, he was this guy, I think his name was Edward. He was like Mexican or something, and he had the most intense cholo face.

Edward's safety scissors hands? Yeah. He was like Mexican or something, and he had the most intense cholo face. Edward Safety Scissors hands? Yeah, they... Oh, fuck, I'm mad that wasn't me. Fucking, yeah, he had the most intense, just pissed off cholo face. Did he have the full mustache at like 12? No, but I made friends with him in Spanish class, which was so funny. Because same level of spanish um and he was like the sweetest guy he's like a really nice guy he was really into jan hammer and i remember like like you know like talking about like jan

i'm like that's cool that you're into like sort of a weird thing to be into that's cool jan hammer is very talented i don't know jan i don't know what that is jan hammer is uh he was like a synth artist he had like a synth artist. He had like a background in like orchestral music or something. Yeah, he was a symphony artist that got into producing theme songs for TV shows. So he did, I think. Oh, is that John Tesh? He did Miami Vice.

Oh, hell yes. For sure. He did the theme for Cocaine Cowboys. Yes, bitch. He did, I don't think he did Knight Rider, but like, you know. Knight Rider's so good. He scored Miami Vice. So there's all this shit that's specifically Jan Hammer stuff. But he had that scary face.

And then there was a kid they called Re-Tank, who I don't even think was disabled. Because he had a barbed wire tattoo around his arm. And he was like 19. And he would just drink Bailey And he fucking, uh, he would just drink Bailey's minis at lunch. You just get drunk during school or whatever. Um, but yeah,

it was like the first day of spring and there was like a bush behind school. Me and my friends went to go have a cigarette and they're all out there eating the berries. What kind of berries were they? I don't know. Probably the kind that resulted in like diarrhea yeah yeah yeah the teacher has to deal with that just all everybody all special ed just starts diarrhea yeah yeah that fucking poor teacher they were all like i mean none of them were like seriously fucked up it was like a main streaming program so they were kids that were like maybe they were dyslexic or something that makes this story so much better yeah they're going out and eating berries yeah yeah yeah yeah and not fully disabled i mean they were like you know they were they were they had like

developmental problems so it would be a special ed it would be extremely cruel to make fun of them to their face and not you know right sort of just snickering from an alley adjacent to the classroom that they used where they tried to learn a defiance of science. I mean, just the image of them huddled on the... Like, I just picture them not even using their hands, just going mouth first and just sucking berries off the tree. Like deer. Yeah, exactly. That's some good shit. A couple of white-tailed speds.

I can't bring myself to call actual disabled people the R word. I got you. You know? I think so, too, yeah. That feels wrong. If you're calling a person that I just disagree with that probably suffers from some kind of mental illness, a retard in a harassment campaign online to make their life worse, that's okay. But if it's a development, it's an actual person with a disability, that's a little cruel.

That's mean. You know, if it's a blogger that just cares about social issues and they happen to go about it in kind of a hysterical way, by all means, harass that person until they kill themselves. Despite the fact that they have great intentions and they just want to make the world a better place. So he's playing piano now, which is hilarious. I wish I knew how to play piano, dude. Dude, I have no good talents. I was just thinking about one of my best friends growing up turned out to be like a he got a phd in fluid dynamics and he goes around the world like lecturing he's like an extremely smart guy and i think it's because he learned piano and i didn't

that's it dude yeah as a kid piano and that made him smart whereas i i uh didn't i think it does make you smart i was too busy being awful at dodgeball. I was so fucking bad at dodgeball. You know what's funny? When they made dodgeball illegal, I'm like, oh, these fucking pussy kids. And then secretly I was like, thank you. Thank you. Is it illegal now? You can't play anymore?

Yeah, I was terrible at dodgeball. Every ball I threw got caught. I would always get fucking dinged. I'd jam my fingers. I was terrible at dodgeball. I could whip the damn dodgeball around. I was pretty good fucking dinged. I'd jam my fingers. I was terrible at dodgeball. I could whip the damn dodgeball around. I was pretty good and pretty agile. Actually, I used to be like one of those asshole kids that just hit in the back until other people were out.

So you were bad at dodgeball. I would go right up to the front lines. I had a very Saving Private Ryan attitude towards you. I was a front lines guy. Yeah. No, no. I was in charge. And then get somebody out

quick as fuck I would definitely I would definitely be like a Purple Heart Medal of Honor kind of guy in the war not so much

like a Silver Star I'd be one of the guys that they name a bridge after because I'm such a hero but bad at shooting fuck I used to love deflecting the ball

with the ball yeah that's the coolest fuck dude let's play dodgeball me and my friends used to go toing the ball with the ball. Yeah, that's the coolest. Fuck, dude, let's play dodgeball. Me and my friends used to go to this parking garage and play at night when we were in our late teens. We could probably get a fucking nice crew of people playing dodgeball. It was actually pretty cool.

The cops came by one time, and they were like, what the fuck are you guys doing in this? They saw we had all the balls and shit, and they were like, oh, you guys are just playing dodgeball? And we were like, yeah. And they were like, all right you guys are just playing dodgeball? And we're like, yeah. And they were like, all right. Yeah, sure. We're not going to do anything about this. I was like the one-time cops. You know, it's funny.

I love when people are like, hey, that cop was actually really fucking cool. And what they mean is like, wow, that cop didn't rape me. That cop wasn't a complete asshole like they usually are. I know. So being a good cop just means you like are have the courtesy level of a normal human just a guy in behind you at the grocery store yeah right exactly oh fuck yeah one time me and my friend tommy were driving onto an off-ramp of the freeway like completely stoned with a lit joint we got pulled over and i just told the cop uh i'm we're trying to meet my family at P.F. Chang's.

That was the first thing that came to my mind. He's like, well, you're going to want to go down that way. It's P.F. Chang's on Charleston. Goddamn, man. Just stunk a weed. What a fucking idiot. Yeah. No, I mean, I told you that story about me almost getting that dui yeah yeah

god damn what a lucky i'm such a fucking lucky that's like the thing where swm where people are yeah when people are like that's what white privilege i work in fucking radio shack and it's like well that that that's a perfect example yeah yeah we're in a nice neighborhood anyway anyway i could any there's no possible way i could disregard the law more in that situation and walk away scot-free did you tell have you told on the podcast though that story yeah i think you did okay yeah yeah dude i don't know i got fucking pulled over one time just for like not having a seat belt i've never like really yeah i don't know what the fuck does that have and then he he wanted to get my brother my brother was like 14 at the time it was like some it was

like some jamaican cop i just remember it was very weird and uh he uh he just insisted on my brother writing down his name yeah i don't know what scam he thought i was pulling but just not having my seatbelt on i don't know i i had a cop give me a bullshit ticket a couple weeks ago. For what? I was driving the truck for work on West End Avenue. And it's not technically a truck route, but I've never driven on truck routes doing a job. I'd stay off roads that say no trucks, but I've never used the truck routes. And he pulled me over.

He's like, yeah, I've been following you for like 10 blocks. This is not a truck route. There's like signs posted everywhere. And I had another guy with me and we're like, what fucking signs? You know,

there's signs everywhere. I'm like, but what? You know, which, what does the sign say? Yeah, yeah.

And, stop. Yeah, right. One way. So I got two points on my license for that shit. Really?

Yeah. Damn, dude. That just sucks, man. Yeah. One time I like, when I was like running the music space like our final show ever like i was moving out that weekend we had like a we had a big show and like uh i i took mdma oh yeah the cops came and i was

like on molly i like dealt with the cops and uh i like sort of was able to like get them i was like oh i'm about to move out you know you know you guys have come a bunch of times this is probably going to be the last time they're like all right all right all right and they're like leaving and i was just like such a piece of shit like on so many drugs that i like made them stay you're like go get your fucking shine box what do you mean you made them stay? No, I made them stay to shake all their hands. Oh, yeah, you're a fucking idiot, dude. I wish you had gotten arrested for that. I should have gotten arrested.

That's the kind of dumb shit that, like, when I got pulled over and I had been drinking and the cop was, like, running my shit and I was, like, trying to be cool as possible, the cop looked like David Bowie. In my head, I was like, tell him he looks like David Bowie. I'm so glad I didn't. Because you imagine immediately, it's like, all right, you're going to jail. Because even if I was right, it's like the cop doesn't want to hear that. Right, right, right, right.

No cop wants to be compared to David Bowie. They want to be compared to Ted Nugent. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Cat scratch fever Ted. Has anyone ever told you you look like Ted Nugent? Intensity, intensity, Ted Nugent. Fuck, yeah. Oh, yeah. Cat scratch fever Ted. Has anyone ever told you you look like Ted Nugent? Intensity, Intencities, Ted Nugent? Fucked like a 14-year-old.

That's the greatest tour name of all time. What is it? Intensity, Intencities. Oh, that is incredible. I didn't know about that one. Well, Chris Cubis went on tour with Ralphie May a couple years ago. Jesus Christ. And I was lobbying.

The XXXL boys of comedy. Right. I was saying, you guys have to call it Obesity in Obesity. Dude, San Antonio. Obesity in Obesity. San Antonio is a fat city, right? It's the fat city. It's the fattest city in America?

Yeah. It's the fucking fattest city. That city is nothing but restaurants. And it's like all military people, which is weird because I thought they had to do push-ups. But apparently... You can just go to San Antonio and get some shit. Yeah, but you just need like air force stuff or some shit. Well, they also all love the rodeo.

So they dress like fucking cowboys. But it looks like Halloween costumes because you're too fat to sit on an animal. You can barely fucking walk. So it looks like a bunch of fat people that dressed up for Halloween as cowboys and then ate all the Halloween candy.

Oh, fuck me. They have the fucking Alamo there. They're real proud of those old churches. They're pretty cool looking in San Antonio. Well, the Alamo's like right in the middle. The Alamo's like

the pyramids are in Egypt where it's where you see those shots of the pyramids, but then if you just turn the camera slightly, there's a radio shack. Right, right, right. So the Alamo in San Antonio is in the middle of this downtown area, and it's like the house from up, just wedged in the middle of the city. San Antonio is actually, the older parts of the city are pretty nice architecture. Yeah, there's a river going through it and stuff. Yeah, the river walks

is kind of cool, I guess. The river walks are gay. Yeah, I went there, my aunt came to visit me. My cousin came to visit me when I was living in Austin and they were like, let's go down to San Antonio

and I was like, why? Yeah, yeah, you're in a better, you came to Austin. You're in the better Texas city. Yeah, well, because my cousin was like 12 at the time

and it wasn't like, let's go get him drunk. Yeah, yeah. Let's go down to East 6th and teach him how to fuck a girl who wears suspenders. He's drunk off $35 gin and tonics out of a mason jar.

Real Austin style. Damn, I want to move to Austin. Dude, I'm so glad I lived there in my early 20s. I'm so jealous. It was so cool. That's the perfect place. It seems like it's just like...

It's probably not cool anymore because Facebook and shit is there now, right? Well, it's... It's probably like... It's more expensive. Yeah, it's not like San Francisco. The thing about... The thing that protects Austin from being too yuppified is that it is in the middle of Texas.

Mm-hmm. Right. So, the closest city is like, I think, Dallas or Waco. Mm-hmm. Waco sucks dick. Right. You know, Dallas... San Antonio is what, an hour away?

Dallas kind of sucks. Yeah, San Antonio sucks. Yeah. Yeah, San Antonio sucks. Yeah, San Antonio's an hour away. Yeah. And, you know, you're in the middle of a fucking red state in a relatively small city, comparatively. I mean, it's got like a population. I mean, it's probably more now. It's probably over a million now, but.

Yeah. Yeah, this shit keeps growing. Yeah. They have some good-ass fucking donuts. In Austin? Yeah, dude, I fucking, we should go to Austin. Yeah, dude, Gordo's. Gordo's. Yeah, yeah. Gordo's became a restaurant, and now it sucks. Oh, really? yeah they had some good ass fucking donuts in Austin yeah dude we should go to Austin yeah dude Gordo's

Gordo's but Gordo's became a restaurant and now it sucks oh really Gordo's used to just be a donut trailer I went to the trailer it was good as shit

yeah but they got the restaurant now and I went there last time I was in Austin they have food that kind of sucks maybe the donuts are still alright

yeah but they got those places here that's the thing man all that shit everything about Austin I'm like oh I miss that and then like if you want it in new york they have it here right it's as good um i yeah they have those fuck they have all those weird fucking birds there too they have these little fucked up the bats and bats yeah why is austin proud of bats dude i don't know

bats are fucking there's that bridge where all those bats yeah there's a bunch of bats under the bridge it's just fucking a rodent problem that flies i don't fuck with bats dude yeah but bat almost killed my sister a bat fucking uh a bat flew onto the train when me and amber were riding the train here yeah yeah amber like picked it up yeah yeah but so like the bat such a fucking hillbilly the bat flew into the train and lands on the fucking ground she's like that's a bat. And I immediately opened the door to go to the next car. I'm like, do you want to, you know. And she was like, you're afraid of bats? I'm like, I'm afraid of rabies when I don't have fucking health insurance.

Right, right, right. You know, if that thing bites you, you have to go get a fucking rabies shot. You can get it from guano, from the poop. Yeah, you know. Really? Yeah. And it's also. That's my sister.

It's also, this isn't a bat in a while. It's a bat on the fucking subway. Like, something is wrong with that bat. Right. That it's also... That's my sister. It's also... This isn't a bat in a while. It's a bat on the fucking subway. Like, something is wrong with that bat. Right. And it's on the subway. And she's like, oh, I can't believe you're being a fucking pussy about the bat. Shut up, dude. And it's like, I don't care about the bat.

Amber probably had raccoons as pets in fucking Indiana. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh... What? She's asked not to talk shit about her. Okay. We're not talking shit. She's our friend.

I'm not talking shit about her. I'm defending myself in this bat story and then so some other guy sees like the girl you know fucking helping the bat so he's like I'm gonna be the tough guy

and like pick the bat up or whatever and he's like you know he goes and he gets it in his hands and his hands are shaking because he doesn't want to pick up this fucking bat

but he's already seen her call me out for being a pussy so he's like well I can't be a fucking pussy and he's holding the bat and he's like oh it bit me. And the fucking bat bites this guy.

And I'm like, yeah, dude, you need to go to the hospital. And we get off the train and he's like, oh, okay. And, you know, they put the fucking bat outside

or whatever. Jesus. And I watched that guy walk away. That guy's Jesus Christ, man. Yeah. That's how you become Batman. You just get rabies and he's foaming at the mouth in a Batman mask.

He's insane. Have you ever seen a video of a bat masturbating? Yeah. Very funny. What does it do? Uses its wings. Beats itself off. Beats itself off with its wings.

It's very, very funny. That is awesome, dude. Yeah, pretty cool. What's your favorite video of an animal beating off? Well, it's all the same. The walrus sucking his own dick. The walrus sucking his own dick. Because he's got a mustache.

It's so awesome, man. He like stops for a second to look around. His dick is incredible also. He's got such a long, thick cock. No, he doesn't. I hate it when people do that with animals. They're like, wow, look at the dick on that horse. And it's like, yeah, it's bigger than your dick.

But in terms of horses' dicks, is that a big dick? I'm not going to compliment this animal for having a big dick. Why are you such a hater, dude? I don't know if it could be an average. What if he has a small dick? They're good for horses, dude. They don't have big dicks. No, they don't.

Some of them have. You can't fucking compare it to your own. You're mad at a horse dick. Because, you know, I don't fucking. Like gorillas all have little dicks and it's funny. Animals aren't complimenting me for being smart. I'm a particularly dumb human being. Yeah.

But I'm smarter than them. No, they are, dude. Fucking dogs. People are like, wow, look how fucking smart he is. No, dogs are retarded, dude. No, but dogs think you're smart. No, they don't. Dogs think you have access to food.

There's this guy I saw on YouTube that has like a collection of monitor lizards and there's this video and his wife's filming him and he's sitting in the living room in a lazy boy chair and he's laying back and there's a like a komodo dragon just resting on him you know shooting his tongue in and out she's like there's dave and big boy just hanging out in the living room. What are you doing? They're like, just sitting here. And it's like that thing thinks you're a rock. It's cold blooded. You generate heat so it's sitting on you to keep itself warm. It has no emotions.

Absolutely not. It's a fucking dinosaur. That thing will try and eat you so quick too. It evolved like 10 million years before anything resembling you existed. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's facts straight from the old Akai Taisen.

They're one of the most dangerous predators, right? Komodo dragons? No, dude. No, mongoose. Mongoose is the most dangerous. Is it? I've often been compared to a mongoose. You're the mongoose of comedy?

You're like the Bobby Slayton Pitbull? The Puerto Rican mongoose. The Puerto Rican mongoose of comedy. You you know mongooses do kill rattlesnakes you're actually the most dangerous predator the fucking white man the most dangerous game puerto rican white man oh fuck man so what are we gonna do for your birthday dude you're gonna hit some batting cages i would like i kind of want to go to d birthday, dude? Are we going to hit some batting cages? I would like... I kind of want to go to Dave and Buster's. Let's go to Dave and Buster's.

I might do that. Fuck it. I said I was going to go see a movie after dinner, but yeah, I could go to Dave and Buster's. Let's do it. You want to do that? Yeah, let's do that. Fuck it. Let's do it.

It's my birthday. Let's get a little crew. Where's Dave and Buster's? Times Square. It's right here. Right here in the heart of the city. But you've got to go to the West Village. Don't tell people where I'm going, dude.

You know how many people I get following me around because of this podcast? Snapping my pictures. Trying to say very well. Snapping pictures at me. They go, eh paparazzi, paparazzi. Eh,

a mommy pop, eh paparazzi, tortellini spaghetti. And then we get into that, you know, car chase and that tunnel where they have to do

the princess dive. Yeah, yeah. When you and Dodie are fucking. You know what I was thinking about, folks? Her name is Princess Di and she died

that's what the lizard people don't want you to know I can't really do Alex Jones that's not bad that's a good Alex Jones did you see this conspiracy theory that Bill Hicks is actually just Alex Jones yes yes yes we've all seen it okay I'm sorry. Adam's like, do you guys know about like McDonald's has their own Monopoly now that you can play?

And with headphones. They have it. My favorite McDonald's conspiracy theory that I would see my like really stupid but woke black friends from high school was they had these videos going around about how Jews abduct black children and put them in McDonald's food. Oh, in McDonald's? The chicken nuggets as black kids. That's just an update of an old one about matzah.

And they have this super Jewish rabbi. I got to find the video. It's one of the most funny and hateful things I've ever seen in my fucking life, dude. It's so fucking good. Well, you ever see that one? Which one? Jews steal black children and put them in McDonald's. Well, it's the matzah one.

It's Einstein bagels on McDonald's. Yeah. That's like sort of a where you grew up sort of thing. In the West Coast, it's In-els on McDonald's yeah that's like sort of a where you grew up sort of thing in the west coast it's In-N-Out Burger In-N-Out

In-N-Out's an evangelical Christian company oh speaking of In-N-Out me and my friend me and Max my dick went in and out

of a person me and my friend Max were talking about this gay Dominican guy so it's In-N-Out of the closet who's allowed and who's not allowed

in the restaurant go ahead finish your story I was just telling Nick before the show we were talking to this gay Dominican guy

that works at the front desk at his storage facility and he was like yeah I'm just ready for vacation I'm trying to go out there California I love it there

like the food is so good I went I went to In-N. California. I love it there. Like the food is so good. I went to In-N-Out Burger. I went to Panda Express. Did he suck his teeth? You know what I'm saying? In-N-Out. He's great, dude.

People that love In-N-Out is just like, come on, man. It's fucking Five Guys. It's like, it's whatever. Five Guys is better. In-N-Out is just not a shitty burger. You know shitty burger you know how easy you gotta get an animal style me and tim dylan who is uh way overdue for an appearance yeah we gotta get timmy d on here tim me and tim were talking about it he's like hey i feel like i could just make a good burger at home right you know he's like why would i you know go out to a restaurant it's 100 true i feel that that's something you could totally

make by yourself i made some fucking good ass pork. I feel that 100%. That's something you could totally make by yourself. I made some fucking good ass pork ribs, my dudes. That's the thing, man. If you get enough, if you had a couple of friends in food blogs where you're like,

look, I'm opening up this bullshit gourmet chip restaurant. Right. Where we just have kettle cooked chips. We just re-bag fucking lays. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we serve them to people. $85 a plate. Small plate chips. And all we do is chips and french fries. And you get enough buzz going, you'd have idiots lining up for you. I guarantee it. We could do that.

I guarantee it. You're going to like the way you look. 1,000, yeah. Did you see that? People forget that his name is also George Zimmer. What was that guy's name? The men's warehouse guy? The men's warehouse guy, yeah, George Zimmer.

His name's George Zimmerman? His name's George Zimmer, I think. Oh, I wish he was Zimmerman. But when the George Zimmerman thing happened, everyone was like, the men's warehouse guy? You're going to like looking like the president's son if he had one. They fired him. Guaranteed. From those commercials.

They fired Obama? They fired Obama. Not only was he the spokesperson, he was like the CEO. He was the CEO and spokesperson. They fired him because of the Trayv, not only was he the spokesperson, he was like the CEO. He was the CEO and spokesperson. They fired him because of the Trayvon Martin thing. Yeah. You know what?

Stop. Move your cell phone away from the mic. Oh, sorry. I was looking up George Zimmer. It is George Zimmer. It's George Zimmer. Yeah. Stand your ground, baby.

Oh, boy. So what are you guys going to do with your next check? All that shit has to go to taxes at this point. Dude, fuck taxes, dude. Let's Wesley Snipes that shit. I think I want to buy an even better blender. I actually was saying that. That I'm hoping that a new blender comes out that's better than the Vitamix.

And then I get it and stop stuck with that bullshit Vitamix. With the second best blender. Useless blender that you can't use for anything. Because that would be pathetic. Yeah. And he has to come over and I put his blender in my blender. You blend up his blender. Fucking destroy his blender. And I drink it in front of him.

Dude, that would be so fucking, that would be getting cucked on a whole new level. Yeah. That would be such a beta. I went outside of my apartment last night. And this old lady walks by and she's like i just gotta say i love y'all and i was like why is that she's like every time i come by here i find the best shit out front all right well thanks for just being up front about going through our garbage why are people so sensitive about their garbage because i have important documents in there

well you should shred your shit up or tear it up. I don't have a shredder. I got yelled at straight up for throwing my dog poop. What? You shredded a Vitamix? It's a good look. Actually, that would be a good use for the Vitamix if I got one. Yeah, yeah, it is a shredder. Someone got mad at you for throwing dog shit?

Yeah, I was like throwing my dog poop. Like, I tied the bag up in this guy's garbage and he comes out of his house. He's like, you throw, hey, you throw your shit in my trash can. I was like, I'm sorry, dude. It's trash. It's trash.

And he's like, oh, no, no, take that shit home. And he like made me, he made me open it up and reach into his garbage and take my bag of poo. In those situations, all you ever need to do is go, call the police, and then you walk away. Always. So call the police. That guy would have beat the shit out of Adam, dude. He was pissed.

Not if he thinks that you're the kind of guy that has no problem calling the police. It was like an old black guy with a USMC t-shirt on. Oh, he would have beat the shit out of you. So, Dark Gran Torino. Yeah, exactly. It was a reverse Gran Torino. Cedric the Entertainer rebooting. I was one of the Hamung kids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was one of the Hamung ruffians. Instead of Gran Torino, it's Coop DeVille. El Dorado. Oh, fuck, man. That would be a much better movie. It would also be easy to defend if it was a black guy instead of a fucking old white man. Absolutely.

A black guy who white kids have been racist towards. I love that scene in Gran Torino where he brings the kid to meet the Irish guy and he's like, What's up, you McFuck? He's like, Nothing, you Polack son of a bitch. And they laugh, and they're like, Hey, so a black guy and a kike and a fucking chink walk into a bar. And the bartender goes, Get the hell out.

And they laugh, and then he looks at the Chinese kid, and he's like, This is how men talk. It's like, I guess, if you say so. That's a a solid joke that movie was such a piece of shit no i mean it's actually a good movie it's just morally bankrupt it's fucking you know it's a racist it's a star vehicle for fucking slurs no one's used since like the donald duck fights the nazis he said he says dragon lady he says Yeah, yeah. He calls the Chinese girl Dragon Lady.

That's pretty funny. Yeah. I used to stack Spooks like you three feet high in Korea. Gooks. Gooks.

Gooks. He says Spooks when he goes... Gooks to blacks. First of all, this is the only movie I know I have the entire script

memorized. He goes up... We used to make bunkers out of you. He drives up in his pickup truck to the black teenagers harassing the kid

and he's like what are you spooks up to they're like excuse me and then the fucking white kid's like yeah go old man and he's like

shut up pussy not really yeah yeah yeah that is so good the funniest part of that movie is the closing credits he decides that he's not gonna get

his own song he's gonna just sing his own song yeah yeah yeah and it's just in my grand Torino

you tell me my friend Brendan his dad my friend Brendan's dad like got a copy of that song and he was like oh this is such a beautiful song

he was like listening to it casually my grand torino he's singing I love my car and I love driving and using slurs it doesn't run on gasoline

it runs on slurs drink spook dragon lady uno dos tres shut the fuck up pussy The funniest ones, I think, are slurs against Italians. Yeah, those are all good. Well, those ones all came back, sort of, I feel like. Yeah, Dago, Guinea, WAP, Spaghetti Dick, Greaseball, Meatball. Because they're fully white people now in this country. Yeah, they have been.

Well, the anti-Irish ones were always fucking stupid. Like, get out of here, you damn potato eater. Yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, what? Everybody eats potatoes. There's no good ones for Greek people either, really. Yeah, Mick is stupid. That's just part of their name.

What is WAP? Without papers? Without papers, yeah. Without penis, actually. A lot of the Italians that came over didn't have penises? Well, they all had vaginas. Yeah, we've they got their wait wait wait let's let's run it back because i i always get confused on this so they they got rid of their sausage on the way on the boat on the way over here are they just to make more space well all italian oh because there were

so many people on the boats yeah all italian men. Basically, the Moors came up to Sicily. From North Africa. From North Africa. And the Italian men had very minuscule, because of the Renaissance, they were all castratos. They were all castrated at a young age. Oh, the church was doing that. So they could be better at singing. Yeah. Well, they were doing it by their own volition.

Oh, they did that in Altair. Singing and painting and kissing each other. Yeah. When the Moors invaded, all of the Italian women are like, oh, finally, it's a man who actually has a penis. A big penis. I can actually feel it instead of it feeling like a slight breeze under my vagina. My vagina chichi.

Wow. Yeah, so the original Italian men were almost bred out of existence. So that's why they call them moolies, right? Because it's an eggplant, which is the penis emoji. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the Italian-Americans that came over were all penisless. So in Ellis Island, the Irish who were just doing their jobs were like, let's call them all without penis.

They didn't know what gender to put down. Yeah. That was before being trans. Actually, all Italian men were trans. That's disrespectful. I mean, they're both papists. They should stick they should stick together the irish and the italians they should they should no well okay that's your opinion they should fight each other i have my opinions i want that to come back i would love it i would love it if there was such strong irish italian

resentment going on in america that both groups who were responsible for racism towards brown people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of all kinds. Didn't have time to hate people of color. I don't know if they were responsible, but they were definitely champions of it. They invented it. Definitely, dude.

I think there were some Anglo-Saxons that were definitely... They fucking invented it. That's why I love people that are Islamophobic or whatever. They're like, oh, these Muslims coming, people that are Islamophobic or whatever. They're like, oh, these Muslims coming over here and, like, they're doing terrorism or whatever.

And it's like, at least terrorism is connected to some kind of, like, global ideology or something or they think God's telling them to do it

and it's such a minuscule number. If you compare, like, the draft day riots and what the Irish did because they're like, oh, I'm not fighting in no war. Let's go burn down

the orphanage yeah they murdered like little black girls yeah yeah yeah we're not fighting in this war you're not making me do anything new york was the most racist city in the north by far and it was partially because and now it's boston now it's boston now it's boston yeah i've often said that the only word that ends in E-R that people from Southie can pronounce right is the N-word. I bet they do say it funny, too, though. Yeah. You know Trump's having them play at his inauguration.

The Mighty Mighty Bostons? No. Boston? Chip it up to Boston. What's that? Dropkick Murphys? Dropkick Murphys. I'm going to record the national anthem now.

Anybody who's ever liked that song is an idiot. Is a fucking piece of garbage. That shit sucks, dude. It's like fucking open-ass E-chords, bagpipes, and just some gay chanting. Check out Music Theory Stavros. Yeah, do you play guitar and stuff? Yeah, I play guitar, bitch. You do?

Oh, yeah. Really? I think you never told me that before. I shred. Really? We should jam together sometime. I know four chords. Yeah, now I feel left out.

Nick, you don't play any musical instruments? I play guitar. I started playing trombone in fourth grade Faggot And then Well those are the options dude That was like the least stupid one Trombone and saxophone

Sax is cooler than trombone Sax is sexy dude Trombone It was too complicated Trombone There were too many buttons I thought the slide It was like

Trombone has three buttons No trombone has a slide Just the slide So it's just a big slide whistle Yeah That's why I chose that Trombone has three buttons and a slide. No, trombone has a slide. Just the slide. So it's just a big slide whistle? Yeah. That's why I chose that one. Is that where the Tim Allen grunt came from?

It was a trombone? Yeah. Well, originally it came from Al's ass. And there was no way for them to edit it out. So Tim was like, fuck it, we'll do it live. And it just came from him. Nice. I tried to play guitar for

like when I was in ninth grade and my fingers were literally too fat to play guitar well. Short stubby fingers.

But you know I got the beginning of the Godfather theme and I learned that part of Sweet Child

of Mine. Oh nice. Yeah so. Nice. I got a lot of fucking head in, nice. Yeah, so. Nice. I got a lot of fucking head in high school, honestly, off that shit. If you go back to my childhood room, if you go back to Baltimore, it's just like the fucking wackiest, just tackiest 10th grade white kid posters. It's just like.

They're still in there? They're still in there. No one's touched it. It's a shrine. It's a shrine to me. I turned my room into like a little office guest bedroom area. So so there's all these she's painting the room pink there's flowers everywhere it's like uh like all of her all of her religious shit so there's like you know a moral compass and like pictures of jesus and shit he just erased all traces of you existing there

yeah kind of a resentful way she just needed the space. Right, right. To have her Holocaust denier meetings. She doesn't do that anymore. That was the fault of her church. She was in a cult. That's not what my mom did. My parents were in a cult, too. Yeah. Your parents were probably also Holocaust deniers.

That's a big part of any cult. No, it wasn't a Holocaust denier cult, but they were in it for... They thought they were too Holocaust. They were in it for years, and then they were at a retreat in Colorado, and then it was like the Sunday morning of the retreat, and they're like, all right, now, has anyone here heard of Jesus Christ? And then literally they mentioned Jesus, and my dad snapped out of the cult trance, and he looked at my mom, he's like, Joanne, grab your bag, we're going.

It was Jesus this whole time? This whole time? That was like the only thing. whole time you know that was like the only thing what was it it was just like a group that like got together and hung out

it was like a swingers club it was presented as an ontological organization studying being you know that's how it all is I found out my dad

was in a cult too really my dad's very he plays everything close to the chest he won't tell you anything about his life in the 70s

everyone was in a cult yeah my dad was like, I kind of got... Because he was like, I didn't talk to my family for like three years. And I was like, why? And he was like, you know, that was actually my fault. It wasn't really them. He's like, I got involved in this organization. I guess the Sullivan Group or something.

Yeah, it's always some very non-descript, weird... Well, he was like, it wasn't really a cult so much, because there was all this emphasis On like psychoanalysis So it was like some Freudian cult Oh that's like Just like Scientology Yeah

Like Sounds like the losing Competitors to Scientology I don't know Yeah exactly It's all answering The same basic question That any religion

Is trying to answer Which is like Oh it's really sad That we're just gonna die And like You know I'm trying to see some titties in the afterlife. Yeah, exactly.

That's why you got to get into Zen. Zen doesn't make you excommunicate anybody. What's that? Yeah, you got to get into Zen. It doesn't make you excommunicate anybody. I want to get into Zen, dude. Zen's pretty cool. I had a mental breakdown like 10 years ago.

That was the only religion I had growing up. It was like Buddhism. Do you get to fuck hot Chinese women? You're actually not supposed to do anything. Really? Yeah, you really don't? I'm out. I'm out.

Full Zen, I guess, is you fucking, you like to have construction projects you fucking work on. I used to go to Descendo and the guy like built the whole fucking place himself. This old Chinese guy ororean guy built the fucking so your your woodworking is just a uh pretty much yeah gateway into zen yeah yeah and that's what my motorcycle obsession is what motorcycle obsession well so he's making a joke about zen and the art of motorcycles well i'm not making a joke have you ever ever read that? I'm really into motorcycles. Yeah, my dad gave it to me. It's amazing. Well, what is it? It connects the canon, like Western philosophical canon to Zen.

Yeah. Yeah. And it does through. I'm so jealous. I mean, Stoicism is essentially the same exact thing as Zen. Similar. Yeah. I'm so jealous you guys had dads that fucking read books and shit.

My dad didn't really read books. my dad read books in the 70s and then my dad was suggested books in the early 2000s my dad's exposure to art was because he was a photographer so he knows like a decent amount about visual art but you know i've talked to him about literature and he hasn't really read much he's read he's read the russians which everybody fucking reads right and then like maybe tropic of cancer and then cold, which he read 25 years ago. And he brings up any time you mention any book. Man, my dad's fucking stupid. And I always said it was because...

I always thought it was because he was Greek. And then his, like, childhood friend from Athens came to visit. And we're just like... He knew everything. He was, like, talking about the election. Yeah. And I was like, oh. My dad's just fucking stupid.

Yeah, he's European. He should be smart. He's Plato. He knows about, like, Bernie's fucking tax plan and shit like that. And it was like, oh, my dad's just fucking... Yeah, he's European. He should be smart. He knows about, like, Bernie's fucking tax plan and shit like that. It's like, oh, he speaks better English than my father did. It's fucking bullshit, dude. I hate having a dumbass dad. Yeah.

Maybe he's really good at something you just don't know about. He's good at woodworking. He's good at cheating on my mom and woodworking. Does he cheat on your mom? Let's get into that. Probably. Stavros Halkis Sr. Notorious,

Emmanuel, Philanderer. I love that Philanderer and Philanthropist are so close. Yeah, it's true. I consider it to be the same thing. What I do is I pledge, I'm going to cheat on my wife-a-thon, and every time I fuck a different woman,

you pledge $50. Whenever I imagine you and your father, I imagine the yellow M&M and the red M&M. Wait, you're yellow. No, your dad's the yellow

and you're the red one. Is your dad big for sarcastic? Actually, you know what? You and Eldis are a lot like the yellow M&M. Yes, that's true.

Eldis is 100% the yellow M&M. Holy shit. You're the red one. We're doing that shit for Halloween, dog. That's true. Adam's the green one. Adam's the green one.

I was going to say that. Don't you ever fucking step on my line. I'm sorry. Don't ever do it. I started the bit. I get to finish it. You better believe I know where it's going. You're going to fucking trust me to say a fucking line?

Piece of shit. I just thought that maybe it's good chemistry if we go to the same place i'm the pretzel eminem which is the one with autism which they had to take out of the commercials because people got mad didn't they used to have a tan one that they got rid of they had a brown one the brown one's a poc eminem because do you remember those commercials the brown one would show up and they would all be like oh. She's like, I'm not naked. Remember that? Oh, yeah.

It's a girl, right? Yeah. Green and brown are girls. Red and yellow are men. Wasn't there another one? There was a blue one. Blue. Blue.

He was clinically depressed. Get it? He's feeling kind of blue. He got the blues. I'm blue. How about that song, I'm blue, dab-a-dee dab-a-die I like that Yeah Eiffel

Eiffel 69 Oh really? 65 Oh man Yeah Fuck dude I fuck I'm blue dab-a-dee dab-a-die

I'm gay I had another one for We gotta record our Christmas album Yeah I know I had another one I came up with For the Christmas album Why don't you come to my place after Dave and Buster's?

Hold on, hold on. It's not Dreaming of a White Christmas. It's, oh, yeah. It's beginning to look a lot like it was. I'm beginning to suck a lot of dudes off. Everywhere I go. There you go. That's it.

We'll throw that one in there. Pretty good stuff. Thank you. So I think they're kicking us out here Yeah they seem to be Yeah it seems to be like There's a lot of angry stares There's a Christmas party

I keep There's something setting up And I keep hoping That it's a surprise party for me But it's Looking like Some kind of corporate event Guys

What's going on? They're like just setting them up And they're like Yeah ignore those guys And we're over here like And then I said I fucked her In the app What if it's the grinch but he's got a dick on his face that's pretty good excuse me whatever what if his nose is a bank america

corporate retreat we paid good money to sit in this basement or the top part top part of his head that's like pointy what if that's a dick yeah seriously guys let's think about this dude that would have fucked up movie yeah did we talk about that I don't think we have Thai Semitism well yeah not only is that anti-Semitism but it's some guy some poor guy

that like you know can't afford to live in the town yeah everybody lives on the outskirts of town everyone's mean to him they hate him because he's a different color yeah he's green

yeah he wasn't a bad baby Grinch yeah so he goes down there and fucking you know appropriately redistributes the wealth in that society

and then they fucking shame him for it and they're like you know they're all happy anyways because no matter what they're still gonna be rich you know

rich people don't need money to be happy they're just better than you and then he's like I guess I'll give this stuff back to him because there's no point that's the point of that

fucking hoes yeah Cheryl from it's all from Larry He's like, I guess I'll give this stuff back to him. Because there's no point. That's the point of that. Fucking hoes. Yeah. Cheryl from Larry... People got mad at the second Batman movie because it was anti-Occupy. Was it? Yeah. I don't remember. Because Bane is an Occupy guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bane was an Occupy guy. Yeah. Oh, all those Christopher Nolan Batman movies are super right-wing. Yeah. I mean, the whole concept of vigilante justice is kind of a right-wing... Oh, let's have justice without a trial or... I found...

Do you follow Ilya Ilyin on Instagram? No. He's a Kazakh weightlifter. Okay. No. He's fucking hilarious. But what's funny about him is he's hands down, pound for pound, probably strongest man in the entire world at least when it comes to olympic weightlifting but he doesn't like he obviously doesn't train for like body composition so he's not fat he just

looks like shit he looks dumpy he looks like you know yeah i mean he's kind of built he's just wearing sweats all the time yeah you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between him and like uh you know like a guy that just loads the back of a fucking garbage truck, you know, and he's like balding all shitty. Oh, yeah. He's from Kazakhstan, so his tastes and things are retarded. Yeah. Of course.

But. Oh, I would love to see his like going out pics. Yeah. No, it's all that shit. Yes. You know, like fucking puma track pants. Yes. A polo on top.

And a silk polo. Yeah, yeah. And then like a headband, like a tie-dye headband. But he has a picture of him in the Joker makeup. His thumb is like three inches wide. Wait, him in what? The Joker? He has like Joker makeup.

Now, the guy with the three-inch wide thumb is Denis Saplinkov. Oh, the, yeah, yeah. Who is like the Russian, he's a bodybuilder, but he's like one of the number one arm wrestling guys. Ooh. He could be Larry the Cable Guy, that's for sure. Nah, dude. He'll snap his fucking arm. Yeah, there's a video of Ilya Ilyin,

Dmitry Klokov, and then another guy, and they're in Long Island City. They came in, they're going to some CrossFit in Long Island City or something, and all of them live in former Soviet, like, you know, Klokov was in Long Island City or something. And all of them live in like former Soviet, like, you know. Right, right, right. Just the worst places.

Fuck off, listen, Russia. Yeah, yeah. How do they get that big just eating fucking cow meat and shit? Well, it's not. You need the protein to like build muscle and get big. But as far as like weightlifting goes, strength is like mostly neurological and it is a sport. So it requires like coordination and like optimizing your mechanics of how quickly you move the weight up your body so like a lot of that is they're just you know they are very strong but they're better at

like doing it than right you know but dude how the fuck do you get nutrients isn't that isn't that isn't like georgia isn't just like a bunch of you should see what the fucking chinese weight lifting team eats they eat like fucking generalso's chicken and bullshit ramen, like top ramen and stuff. There's like videos of like, yeah, those like... Damn, that sounds tight. Yeah, those Chinese guys like Lu Xiaozhang and shit eating lunch and it's like garbage. But those guys are fucking jacked because they do bodybuilding stuff in addition to, you know, their regular... I can't wait to be jacked, dude.

Any day now. I'll be doing push-ups. Well, okay, so there's a video of them in Long Island City or whatever. I've seen this video. Yeah, yeah. I showed it to Adam. It's great. And they're all in, like, the car, and they're, like, you know, somebody's taping them, and

it shows the backseat, and they're all dressed like idiots, you know, like track suits again, you know, like fucking... And, you know, they're, like, waving at the camera. They're like, what's up? You know, and Ilya, who, like, doesn't even speak at the camera they're like what's up you know and ilia ilia who like doesn't even speak english he's like what's up nigga and then the camera moves away or whatever and then in the comments on the youtube video in like russian it says like dimitri uh nigga is a very offensive word in english you need to tell ilia that you can't say that and then in like dimitri responded

like in russian like i will inform him that is so good yeah yeah that's the one word he picks up he just gets that one immediately yeah yeah well he's like muscle borat he doesn't fucking know anybody right right right yeah talk about something for a second. I'll pull up his Instagram. I would love to fucking... Do you follow the guy, the Chechen, like the leader of Chechnya on Instagram? No, Kadyrov. Is he good? Yeah, yeah, Ramzan Kadyrov.

Yeah, he like thinks he's like a medieval king. He probably is though in his world, right? Sort of. I mean, he's also... It's weird because Chechnya is also Muslim, so, like, all the women are wearing, like, hijabs and stuff. Oh, he doesn't get to just fuck? No, but, like, he has, like, parties

where he gets, like, celebrities to come to the party. Oh, my God. There he is. Joker makeup, Ilya. He gets celebrities? Yeah, he got, like... I mean, I guess it's sort of like putin gets the gall and shit but who'd he get i forgot who he got but it's like uh it was like fuck do you

remember nick who katarov got to go to that party for him was it like cindy crawford or something no i don't remember i remember uh to be honest you, Kadyrov's not as good on Instagram as the other guys. He's pretty good. He's sort of tough. Is he a warlord? Does he have guns? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he's a...

He kills people. Well, basically, there was a civil war in Chechnya. He's Chechen, so he's evil. So there's separatist Chechen groups that want to leave Russia. Yeah. So he's the guy that's installed by the by kremlin by the kremlin and by putin to like uh you know like crush any resistance but his dad was like one of the freedom fighters and then they sort of signed a deal with the devil like to take over for putin but like the

thing is is like he's not necessarily that easy to control and like he's like he's also a maniac tell putin to fuck off at some point at potentially at some point and then Trump is gonna have to go in and by himself just gun shit just by himself Trump fired a gun you think Trump's palms have to be so pillowy soft he just has breasts for hands he has 14 year old breasts for his hands but like fat fat man breasts

he's he's literally yeah I don't know that dude has not done oh hell yeah dude there's some good content yeah

yeah good for the pod guys check out what's his face's Instagram what's his name sorry I'm just going's Instagram. Ilya. Sorry, I'm just going through it now. Ilya. Yeah, Nick is just looking at Instagram now.

Yeah. Well, Denis Cyplenkov is the best of all of them. Denis sucks men off. Denis sucks kids off. No, that's a throwback. Igor sucks kids off. Oh, yeah. Damn, it looks very festive in here.

It's an early Comptown hit, yeah. People are very mad that we're here. Yeah,'t matter no here's dennis this is the kind of shit he puts on him yeah him wearing like a speedo thong and then dressed as like a viking otherwise dude that's good i'm taking that yeah i'm taking that look yeah you should i need an armor and sword baby yeah at stoppy baby Instagram, baby boys. So we are at Caroline. Oh, congrats to Stafi who's just featured in Gay Guy magazine for being Chris Gay Instagram. What was it? In Out?

Yeah, I'm in Out magazine. I already announced it on the pod, but... Oh, you did. I am one of the 11 men redefining male beauty. So, body positive men. Well, who are the other men? You know that guy from the Hispanic friend on... Chewy?

No, no, no. The Hispanic friend on fucking... Wow. What a fucking reference to pull out when someone just says Hispanic friend. It's Chelsea Hand handler's gimmicky midget assistant that's where you go with hispanic that that's kind of like i might internalized racism i really meant someone says hispanic and the first thing that pops in your head is chewy from chelsea lately no i've met fluffy not like caesar chavez i meant gabriel iglesias no no no no it's from

half baked the hispanic oh cuban b yeah i when i had a uh he's one of the first manager i ever had in show business when i was getting my start in show business the first manager i ever had real piece of work this guy real fuck uh shitty manager and i talked to him and i was like yeah so i want to write for television and you know i have some samples i can send you he's like yeah yeah that's great what we really need for you is a website it was like yeah i don't think people need a website nobody goes to websites anymore he's like well we're gonna get we're gonna get on it we're gonna get a new website for you. And we're thinking of something like Gabriel Iglesias' website. We love his website. And I go to it and there's animations of

popcorn. It's all fucked up. It's like shit. And I'm like, yeah, you're fired. I have no interest in working with you. We need Flash animation. We need Homestar Runner where it just starts playing for eight straight minutes and you can't stop it. Yeah. Here he is doing the tire exercise. Oh, man. You know what I want to do?

I want to sign up for Planet Fitness and then be like, okay, great, yeah, so I can start working out whenever. And they're like, yeah, and then just leave and come back with my own giant tire. Just trying to get it through the door. They're like, sir, sir, what are you doing? I'm like, excuse me. I was promised I could bring my giant tire just trying to get it through the door they're like sir sir what are you doing i'm like excuse me i was promised i could bring my giant tire like we actually never said that you're a lunk sir stop trying to get jacked bring my giant tiger tire to yoga i love flipping giant tires dude. Felix uses the battle ropes. Oh, yeah?

I was trying to joke around with him one time. I'm like, yeah, what are those dumbass ropes for? And he's like, yeah, I use them. And I was like, oh, all right, I guess they're cool. You know, they're not weird. You probably feel powerful as hell, dude. It's good for range of motion stuff. It's probably good. It's good cardio and probably a good workout for your shoulders or whatever.

Dude, you tell me you're not going to feel powerful, dude. Like you're just fucking whipping some big ass horses with that shit. Yeah, I don't need to pay $45 a month to go wave my arms. Yeah. Fucking pose. I use like a big rope and then I just pull a Boeing 787 Dreamliner. Instead of the ropes, I bring my own extension cord to the gym, and I just fucking whip it around all over the place.

Sometimes I hit people, but they can't say shit because I'm working out, dude. I'm improving myself. And if you fucking criticize me after I brought my extension cord here. A heavy-ass one. That dude, Herschel Walker, who's absolutely jacked, has never lifted a weight in his life. Really? That's how Bo Jackson was.

Bo Jackson never worked out, and he could fucking fuck your wife, Adam. Well, Herschel Walker has a push-up. Well, he can if he wants. But Herschel Walker has a push-up and sit-up regime, but one of the other things he does is he lives on a farm somewhere, and he just has a mountain of dirt, and he just takes a shovel and just moves the mountain of dirt to another location. That's like a tall tale like John Henry said.

And he carried that ox until the ox was grown. And then he could lift that fucking, you know, he was strong then. And he went around the country planting seeds. And those seeds grew up into the Transcontinental Railroad. I wonder how easy it is to just pretend to be a tour guide and just hijack. Probably pretty easy. Hijack tours. At museums.

Oh, at museums. No, I mean not being a tour guide. I mean like going to a museum. Being like, guys, if you want to follow me around, we'll go around. You just need a clipboard and a fucking little-ass skinny tie. This is interesting. This exhibit is where they actually planned the fiction was the Holocaust. This is Hitler coming up with the numbers.

Now, they didn't actually kill anybody. You notice Hitler, a lot of people don Now, they didn't actually kill anybody. You notice Hitler, a lot of people don't know this, he was Jewish himself. And the entirety of World War II was a Zionist conspiracy to create Israel. What, my name? I heard that. Oh, I'm sorry. My name is Adam Friedland.

Yeah. No, I work here. My name is Adam Friedland. I I live at and then I just say your address on the podcast blank seven blank blank blank H blank blank

well tell you what folks we are out of time we are out of time blank blank do you want to do the birthday thing for now no don't do the birthday thing I just want to say

if you haven't Subscribe to the podcast On Patreon We did two bonus episodes this week And that might become a regular thing Start doing two bonus episodes And one will not be that good probably Actually people like the one

They said that one was better than the other one I told you it was fucking good man I didn't say it was bad I just said it was Not as good as the other one Anyway Who cares Yes subscribe to Patreon.

Come see us December 26th. We got Funny Moms. Yeah. Also, we are at Caroline's right now trying to bang out a Caroline's Live show, which is going to be the same format as Funny Moms Live. It's just going to be called Come Town Live. And it'll be at Caroline's, and we're going to book comics. And we want to get an idea of what the numbers are going to be.

So, yeah. I mean, I don't know. If you have any interest, let us know. caroline's know i mean they'll book it whatever yeah if and if you're a comic listening and you want to get booked uh send nick a facebook message she's not on facebook right now actually email me you can email me at come down at icloud.com uh but uh yeah if you want to get booked you know we'll book any comic in new york it really doesn't fucking matter um and then uh yeah but if we can get get booked, we'll book any comic in New York. It really doesn't fucking matter. And then, yeah, but if we can get an idea.

We have to figure out what the numbers are going to be for Caroline's before we figure out what the door price is going to be and the drink minimum and stuff. But we're going to try to keep it low, down to like maybe $25, $30, $75. The concern is we want to make sure all the comics are paid. So we need to figure out a price point where they get paid. But we don't get paid. I mean, I don't take a cut. Adam and Stav do.

But I'm the magnanimous. We take a pretty big cut. We probably take 70, 80, 95%. We command a big cut. The entire time I've been doing comedy, my dream has only been able to get to a point where I can pay comedians fairly. That's more important to me than being a better comic. Dude, well, you're about to live your dream, baby.

Yeah, dude. I would love it. I would love to have a fucking production company where I can give mean, straight white men money to follow their dreams and never hire any WOCs in any capacity whatsoever. They're not even allowed in. Thank you, everyone. Thank you. All right. You guys are great. Bye. Happy birthday, Nick. whatsoever I dreamed a dream when I was a boy thank you everyone thank you alright you guys are great bye happy birthday Nick

happy birthday to me