The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 315 – stop me

Episode Date: June 10, 2022

im out of control

I'll get the levels right once we have to restart Fidel blast hole is what we did on here. I wanted to oh my bad Yeah, you Take you start over. No, it's all right. I mean, I don't want I don't want to use it Oh, I guess that's true. This comes out before I don't want to risk. Yeah. Well guys take it. So we're continuing our too far Series It keeps doing that Don't play it up just talk normal it's bad enough you guys have to listen Yeah, why does it every time you reset me

For me, um, keep it keep talking. Hello, hello, hello, hello Keep talking All right, go again check check. All right, that's good. Okay No, we haven't it's been a while first of all we've done it like nine times And remember that song it's been a while since I say you see a person What I like about this is it makes Adam interrupt himself, right? Yeah. Yeah. Now you know how This there was yeah, there was a Jewish guy listen to show he's like Adam I made this spreadsheet You were the one

He just was yeah, I'm just saying what happened. Well, what do you describe that about other types of people? No, no one can understand what you're saying. Yeah, what? He would behoove you to be quiet Put him in the box Oh put his ass in the box But Adam we have all your favorite things in there jars full of calm jars full of calm and pictures of men Dildos covered in shit already I'll preach it's named shit and shoved in his ass

What did we tell you about singing from the box we take away a dildo every time When we talk, what was the thing with that like my top five rapes? I don't remember they should write like a list to call about like Jesus She wrote a BuzzFeed article about like I don't This is off Mike, but my top five rapes or whatever. I don't believe that's the title of the article It wasn't the title the article that was I can't hear you're in the box

Sucking a penis until it gets hard There's a few My butt cheeks and holding me down calling me ma'am and slapping my face I'm putting a gun to my head making me wear lipstick Running a train on my face in my ass These are a few in my career Wow feels good. It's June guys. Good morning penis

I believe this is the last week of my tour. I believe I'm in Philadelphia this weekend If there are still tickets available go by them. If not What are you saying Adam You're in the box Let's give him let's instead of the box we'll put him in the we'll put him in the the bird cage Hello, hello, no, no, take the echo off and just make him sound like weird Is that good Thank me busy

You disgusting That's fucking gross Yeah, what are we listening to red scare? Is this the red scare podcast you do sound like a dumb bitch right now Joseph McCarthy He was gay really I think so That's why I did it. He was gay. He was fucking Yeah, he turned him gay that makes sense if he was a gay loser, he probably was a fucking fan

Now this is cool Tell us some truths that I'm act like you're a fucking spiritual guide, okay, that's like he took it away Here's the truth No, you're not yeah, I'm ready sire. Yeah Fuck my ass with truth I'm vindicated by the truth teller Guys you're gonna This actually is a pay off that actually is it's a call back to it's a call back to it

It's happening Sunday. This is part two I Am gay I'm gay I'm gay I'm gay I'm gay I'm gay

I'm gay I'm gay I'm gay That's awesome That's That was really good shit. I was that was tight. Yeah Anyway, what the fuck were we talking about I don't know threadel cash Dude, that's awesome. Mister. Did that?

He's a roof. Oh I saw saw Adam you were you were taking a nap earlier on Wednesday last Wednesday last Wednesday which I like that you're in the tin can yeah I saw that of thieves you've seen that right yeah it was awesome it's about how the cops are also a gang dude Gerard how good was Gerard Butler that movie he's badass he's so sick he's so bloated he looks horrible yeah it would have been cooler if he had sick abs like no no no no no no he needed to look like that he needed to look like a guy who used to be fucking ripped it was fat as shit now yeah and they got my guy from the wire I think it's true that's like a real thing that like the

LA county sorry I was trying to say whatever the sheriff's department yeah they have like they have like names they have names they call like the fucking Los Lobos yeah yeah yeah Los Locos conky I bet you there's some conquist conquistadors if I was a part of a racist ass organization I would call myself the conquistadors if I was a part of a gang I'd call it the nick haters why the bust queefs to doors why would you call it the nick haters because there's this guy not nick mom but different guy yeah dude I have been such a good friend to you I have done nothing to build you up but suck his dick I mean yes he does suck your dick every day you haven't told that to people that's disgusting also coming up this

Sunday it's disgusting some claims that a woman actually sucked his penis oh my fucking god that sucks that's such a bitch representation Okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay. Okay play it play it play it play it play it play it play it. Damn i love making electronic music. it is actually the biggest fun. Yeah it's cool. You're a fuck around with a good synthesizer.

No but i want to. You should get one. I will dude. Yeah like a little analogue synth to play. That's what you should do with your time off this. I'm gonna come back with a fucking an EP. I'm telling I was gonna Adam plays guitar Norman's Norman's old and We're gonna start a synth band. That's awesome. Yeah, we're gonna start a band Yeah

Suck suck suck my dick and bones. They aren't pretty tiny Do we have anything to talk about in this episode? No, I want to talk about oh, what about road to perdition? You guys see that movie. I remember it being boring Revolutionary road. It was good. It was good. You're stupid. You ever see Revolutionary Road? Yeah, I saw it. Michael Shannon Yeah, he really stole that scene. Yeah, what scene? It's like don't you know one see their lives they're gay with each other He's in one scene. He won best supporting actor. Well, good because he crushed it so hard. Yeah, that's awesome Where he plays like a guy that's like crazy, but maybe he sees the truth. Oh

That's awesome. Yeah That's a fucking interesting kind of guy. I'm gonna see Top Gun on Wednesday. Hell yeah Yeah, I'm pretty excited about that guys. Why Wednesday? I saw the Nick Cage movie It sucked. Yeah, it's not good. Really? It looked kind of fun. It's exactly what you think it's gonna be It's like if a Chuck Norris meme was a movie. Yeah, basically that. It's like fucking cashing it on the Nick Cage thing Which I gave it kind of room to you know, it's like if you're making like Nick if you're like observing Nick Cage now Yeah, you're late to the fucking party. That's true. You know and And but you think maybe they can do something with it. Yeah, but it's it's there's nothing there

There's literally nothing there people are kind of sucking it off like it's good. I know they're stupid It's people being tricked into thinking it's good. It's not good I think people like the trailer, but I think once it came out everyone's like it doesn't do anything What's the what's the plot people are like? Oh, there's a movie where he plays Nick. It's Nick Cage. He's Nick Cage He's struggling. He needs like a he needs cash. He needs something. He needs something big and like it's sort of like, you know Is his struggle between fucking you know, like there's another Nick Cage He's like fantasizing about another version of him. I guess it's him from what's the first movies Valley Valley girl. No

Maybe it's like supposed to be a good Valid is valid in Arizona You know about being like he's like, you know, he's like, you know, I like I work for a living I make movies. It's like, you know, it's like he's not being selective with roles He's up for a big Roy doesn't get it. He's alienated his ex-wife and his daughter Then this guy invites him to Mallorca Like I don't even I was I was already kind of checked out at this point But invites him to Mallorca to stay at his like villa and then the guy turns out he wrote a screenplay

He wants Nick Cage being it. Meanwhile, the CIA is like this guy's a drug dealer. We need Nick Cage the spot under a cover go under cover But then he's like, I don't think this guy He stole the president's daughter and then I went to the bathroom for like 30 minutes. Yeah, are you thinking of national treasure? No, this turns out the guy's a Nick Cage superfan It's like he didn't really kidnap the president's daughter. Some about your feet and calves are disgusting Yeah, I don't know what it is. I'm wearing pants right now, but I know what it is. It's like you kind of in my mind I read you as a woman and if a woman had feet and hairy legs like that

I hate to say my this feet especially in my mind. I read you as the ugliest one No, you don't I'm a man. I'm clearly a man even though I'm a fat man But you have a woman's body You have a woman's body. I'm a bald-ass woman And you're like, I have a forehead of hair. I go to Wellesley No, I go to an all-women's college That's not me at all and you on the other hand weigh as much as a woman But you have feet like a man. I'll give you that. You have a man's feet. You have women's legs

I have candles. I have candles. That's the answer. I don't have I don't like my ankles And you're now calling them out on the podcast I didn't know this was a point. I wish I had a slender ankle. I didn't know this was a problem for you I got them from my mother. She was a beautiful woman, but she had also the same really. Yeah It's not it's fine. I mean they're worse. I will say Nick's ankles are better. He has a slimmer leg Yeah, when an ankle comes down, that's what it is. You're right. It's like fuck it up. I hate it Yeah, and literally you do now. Let's not get crazy. There's plenty of women that look like you don't pretend there aren't which women Name one. Thank you. You couldn't name one. I don't know them

Accusations you couldn't name one bitch plenty of like librarian bitches are look exactly. There are a lot of women They look like you not really like the Drew Carey show Not really. She doesn't look like me at all. Yes, she does. You just keep talking about fat if you put if you put if you mean There's plenty of fat people. Yes, that's true. Okay. I'm just saying there's plenty of bitches that look like you or like you Kathy Bates you look like no again. Just a fat lady. You're just naming fat people Okay, how about this you look like the fucking bitch from blossom? You look like Lena Dunham again just fat Don't really have a similar face You have basically the exact same look

Not true at all. You know who Nick who you look like? Tom Cruise. Wow. I don't really look like Tom Cruise. I'm dividing and conquering right now. You can conquer my dick and balls You can divide my dick and balls and suck them both individually. Yeah, I'm sorry I'm starting to look like an old woman. I look like a breast cancer. Yeah, you don't you look like an old man No, I look like a fucking I look like yeah, I'll tell you I get a little bow from my head and I'll put it on You'll see I wasn't got too much facial here. I've been doing that home I've been wrapping the towel around my head and being like, don't cry for me Just to see what it looks like

You'll do that for hours Just out of curiosity There's nothing further than that. Don't cry for me, Mr. President. It's not even a song. Don't cry for me Argentina and happy birthday, Mr. President. Yeah, that's good. Don't cry for me, Mr. President. This is brain parasite. This is all the holes in my Swiss cheese brain. This is fucking all these legions and just a melting pot of references and I have no relationship to each other I've been capable of fucking any kind of like any kind of actual thought

It's just noise. It's just fucking constant noise And then I'd spew it out and then the absurdity of it for some reason makes me laugh. That's good. Yeah. I think it's funny dude. Yeah, pretending to be a woman with breast cancer saying goodbye to the president. Don't cry for me, Mr. President. You're a woman that used to fuck the president. You want to let him know. I'm gone, but don't cry. Don't shed a tear.

I'm sorry I called you the ugliest woman I've ever seen. That's okay. It didn't really bother me, but I could tell my comment. I don't care if it bothered you, but I just don't want to be that kind of friend. I guess we got to do these faggot ass reads. That's what I was asking if we had to talk about anything. Oh, that's what you meant. SuperSpeciosa.com, Adam, you want to pull it up on your little phone? I don't have my phone.

Your little Cricut gate boy phone? No, I don't have a Cricut. A little butt plug phone. You do have a phone that goes up your ass? No, I don't. SuperSpeciosa, huh? Yeah. Is that the Kratom?

Yeah, it is. Kratom leaf is from Southeast Asia, Indonesia or something. Really? Yeah. It makes you feel damn good in this website. SuperSpeciosa.com. SuperSpeciosa.com slash Comtown or Comtown 20. Moving on.

They have capsules. Well, what I like about it is that it's a lab verified, clean and safe GMP compliant. Yeah. If you go to the smoke shop, you get Kratom. You don't know who's touching it. SuperSpeciosa is an American Kratom association, GMP qualified brand that has been verified to meet strict GMP quality standards by third party auditor. Our selection of Kratom capsules for sale features popular white, red and green vein Kratom strains.

Basically. Incased in gelatin-free, 100% natural plant-based capsules. Wow. No little piggies had to die. There were no fucking horse ankles going fucking walking down. Why'd you have to say horse ankles? Just got something about it. After we talked about my issues.

Something in my eye line just told me to say the word horse ankles. I'll tell you what's in my eye line. Fat stomach. Fat guy. A couple of fat balls that are about to be down your throat. If you don't fucking watch your tone is what's in your eye line. Fat guy. Get super specific.

Get super specific. So basically, listen, this company, SuperSpeciosa, they have a plantation in southeast Asia that's run by American ex-patriots. They're all there. They're all there for just getting you high on Kratom. They're not doing nothing else on their downtime. Listen, they're just running a plantation. Don't do not check out where they spend their money.

And they are on the porch of the plantation. I am wilting in this heat. Can you give me a favor after you're done doing the reed? Can you go fill up the Brita thing again? It's full. Okay. When you're done with the reed, can you fetch me? Can you fetch me some water, please?

Can you fetch it for me? No. Go fetch. No. Fetch it for us. I don't want to. I have to pay soon. Maybe I'll fetch some water.

No, I want Adam to fetch us some water. Why do you want me to? Don't cough for me. You're a president. You're a towel. Yep, wearing heels. Oh, dude, I just let out a noxious fart. Then I'll go get water.

Oh, that's fucking erotic. Oh, yeah, whoa. Well done, Stapros. Fuck. Ew. Okay, anyway, guys. Kratom is inexpensive. Well, this is all relative to one's personal budget.

What are you telling us about it? Kratom is oftentimes less expensive than alternatives, like heroin, and can usually be purchased in larger amounts at a discount. Speak on that. Kratom is widely available. This green leaf has grown tremendously in popularity over the last few years. Once upon a time, it was only available in specialty shops,

but that is no longer the case. And get this, no insurance required. No, it's... This applies to all natural products. Kratom can be purchased at a good value without insurance. This makes it more accessible to many Americans. Without insurance? That's a great selling point right there.

Yep. I agree. It's a controlled substance, folks. It's a fucking controlled substance. Oh, I just got a text that the Philly shows have all sold out. We're adding Sundays. So this weekend, if you're in Philadelphia, please buy tickets. Hopefully those...

They probably won't be sold out yet. But what week is it today? Wednesday or something or other? Today is Wednesday next week. Today is Wednesday the fucking 8th. Oh, wait. Is that... No.

Is that right? Oh, so I still have... Oh, so I'm in Providence this weekend buy those tickets. I'm in Philadelphia next weekend. Anyway, let's hear about this Kratom shit. Fuck Kratom, dude. It's over.

So they got tablets. They immediately feel better after drinking a bunch of water. They got pills. Isn't that so funny, dude, when you're like... Howters, teas. I was eating them. Shut up. We're talking about something.

We're talking, dude. Sorry. Stop for yourself. The point I wanted to make is, isn't it cool how good water is sometimes? I kind of want water now. The doctor says I've cancer of the breast disease. The breast disease. So anyway, Kratom is a fucking, you know...

Yeah, water thing. But I drink a lot of water, dude. I drink like fucking six liters of water a day sometimes. That's pretty stupid. You measure it in the metric system. That's not a bottles labeled. Four of those essential bottles. So go to fucking Super...

Look at you Mr. Fancy pants in the metric system. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to fucking take a hammer and flip it to the nail removing side and fucking dig it under your fucking kneecap. Oh, okay. How many meters away will I be standing? That's a good question. Yeah, well I'm metering my fucking anger and I'm going to stop doing it at a certain point.

And I'm going to be the meter and you're going to be the maid, pal. Oh, the meter and the maid. Oh, Mr. Yorubo here. Mr. Yorubo here. The classic story of the meter and the maid. Yeah, when the meter made you suck my fucking dick. No, dude. Yeah, well it's going to...

I thought you're the meter. I'm the meter. So the meter makes him suck your dick. The meter's dick. Yeah. They call me the meter man because that's how you measure my dick. That's cool. One eighth of these.

That's still huge, dude. You're bad. You're funny. I'm off today. You're off. You fell off, so... Wait, let me see what's one eighth of a meter. Fuck, dude.

It's still big. Not for me. One eighth of a meter in inches. One meter is close to a yard, right? A yard meter about the same. 4.9. Alright. 4.9 inches is huge.

4.9. That's so big. It's 4.9 metric inches you dumbass. No, no. Don't even try and gas like me. Metric inches. Your dick is less than five inches, which is still small, but I would like to have called it smaller.

I would like to say one sixteenth. But you live, you learn. You live, you learn. Sounds like the hammer's going to be getting a lot of work in. I'm going to put the hammer... I'm going to flip it and put it up your ass handling first. How about that? Anyway, Providence this weekend, Philly next weekend.

My special is already out. Keep watching it. Keep telling your friends about it. I'm trying to get fucking 100 million views on that bitch. I need to make back $40,000 in YouTube revenue. So it's a tall order, but I would like you guys to watch it. And I hope you're enjoying it. SuperSpeciosa.com, promo code COMTOWN or COMTOWN20.

We're not sure, but you want to get that. It's good. It's made by ex-patriated Americans living in Southeast Asia. Who are always some of the most trustworthy, not sketchy guys at all. Who are really on the up and up. You know how all the Americans in Southeast Asia are never hiding or running from anything.

So yeah, that's that. Go see, go buy Adam shirts. Go see Nick on the road. I'm going to take a piss. I will. I will be in Ross. Sorry. Did we say get superleaf.com slash com?

I think we did. There are shirts, but guys, they're also... Hold on. Shut up. Promo code COMTOWN or COMTOWN20. I did say it. Yeah, we said that, Nick. We said that.

We said that. Now we're going to do... Now we're going to do my reads. We are selling shirts and I am selling signed limit. I don't know why I said faggot in such a venomous way. I apologize. We're going to blow that up. I apologize to you.

We're going to get that. Let's get that trending on the internet, folks. Maybe for a while we can hate the good boy of the show instead of the kind, sweet woman with breast cancer. Mr. President. I'm selling signed limited prints also on the website. So you can go get those. Anyway, let's start the show.

Raleigh, North Carolina, Good Nights, June 9th through 11th. Tickets, a few available. I think that's what Lewis told me to say. A few tickets available left still. I'll be in Portland the 16th, whatever the next weekend is after the 9th through 11th. Look at the calendar. I'll be in Portland after that, the weekend after that. I think I have that one off and then after that I will be at Carolines.

No, you know what it is next weekend. Carolines on Broadway, 23rd to 26th. Woo, boy. Check that show out. Damn. What was that from the water? Yeah, it was burped. You drank too much.

Too fast. I drank too much water. But it's good for me. It makes my chest pain stop. Which those just continue on all day long. That's true. So what else is new? You coming to Funny Mom's tonight?

Very nice, brother. I have to take a nap. I really fucked up earlier today. I feel really bad about it. What are you fucked up about? No, you know what I did. I forgot the date of something. Oh, the date of your transition surgery.

I know. I'm going to have to reschedule and they are backed up. It's the 35 year anniversary. No, you can't transition the day you're born. No, you can't. Is that what you did? No. You know, from being a bitch?

Sorry, I don't know why I'm so spicy today. Can you accept my apology? I mean, I don't even give a fuck. What do you mean you don't give a fuck? I don't listen to a fucking word you say. I'm not listening to a word you're saying, are you? Yeah, you are. No, I'm not.

You are. You decided to have a little attitude with me. But come on, come on, man. We're just mixing it up. That's why the people like the show. We're missing Stavros right now. He's taking his fourth shit in my toilet today. Good.

I hope he destroys your toilet. Why? I hope he uses all your girlfriend's makeup. He puts it in his ass. It makes his asshole look like Mimi Bobeck. Trying to wipe his ass. I hope your bathroom looks like a fucking war zone at the end of the day.

Stav, are you putting on my girlfriend's makeup? For real? What'd you say? Yeah, he's using your girlfriend's expensive nipple lotion. Her million-dollar nipple lotion. I told you not to bring that up on the phone. Your expensive nipple lotion. I told you she made me buy it.

It was very expensive. Is that what she's doing? Those are the things you do for a love, brother. So what's going on in this trial of Johnny Depp? What's her name? It would be funny if this trial ends and they walk out of the courtroom and fucking Johnny Depp walks right up to Amber Heard and just choke slams her on the ground

and just starts slapping the fuck out of her and everyone's like, yeah! And no one is on her side. Everyone's like, fuck her, even the girls. No, that's not true. That is absolutely not true. There's a whole crew of women online that are like, this is insane.

We're watching the entire world gaslight a woman who's a victim of abuse siding with the abuse. No, they're convinced that Johnny Depp could wink the entire media and the courts into believing that he's actually the victim. Because he's the man with power and there's no way Amber Heard would do any of that stuff. But be honest with you, I have not paid attention to any of it.

I don't give a fuck. Like the pseudo-retard culture has elevated what would just be like some celebrity gossip bullshit into the realm of like, you know... Yeah, why would anybody give a fuck? Because people are retarded. Why? Because everything's drenched in like fake academic language.

So now this isn't just like two retard millionaires slapping each other around and suing each other for amounts of money that no one will ever see in their lives. To like, oh, this is about toxicity and victimhood and all this, it doesn't mean anything. Yeah. I disagree.

Of course you disagree, you little catty bitch. What's your point, Adam? I don't know. What's your gross ankles? Shut up, Mike. It's shut up. Honestly, I find your feet so unappreciated. You don't.

And the thing is, that's coming from my heart. You're calling me fat... It's coming from my heart. You calling me fat was retaliation. I know you don't mean it. But I can't help it. I don't mean that you're fat. I don't mean that you're fat.

I don't mean that you're fat. You already established you're not even fat. My dick is so small that you look fat. That's from three weeks ago, I believe, or two weeks ago. Maybe, maybe last week. Sunday, this upcoming Sunday. Tomorrow or yesterday. We have no idea.

I love this. It is awesome. This is so long. We honestly should just like completely scramble how we fucking release these and fuck with people's brains. We should really do it. Yeah, well, I'll tell you when they'll be released. It's probably 24 to 48 hours after the due date.

And then fucking, there'll still be people leaving comments. I can't even fucking be bothered to upload it. That's right. You're absolutely right. That's right. Then fine. Then I'll delete my subscription. See you later.

Thank you. All right. Later, buddy. Bye. Could everybody else do that, too? And one day you won't have this anymore. That's true. I can't wait.

Bring it on. Let's put it this way. Bring it on to back boogie electric boogaloo. I don't know the name of that movie. I'm horny. I'm sorry. So horny. Who's this a picture of over here in your living room?

I don't know. My girlfriend's brother gave it to me for Christmas. Adam's boyfriend. I think it's like a poet, a Ukrainian poet. Shevchenko. Sheva? Not the soccer player. Not the soccer player.

That guy rules, dude. That guy rocked. He's a coach now. Oh, really? What was his first name? In Italy. Andre. Was it Andre Shevchenko?

He fucking rocked. He's a king, dude. Yeah. He was an AC Milan. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Boy, did you watch the Champions League finals? You know I did not.

I watched it. I couldn't figure out how to get it. My TV's been fucking up. Really? George leaves. He sets up all the fucking streamings. Yeah. Because I got a projector.

It's on Paramount Plus. Who was showing it? CBS. Oh, really? They have Champions League now. Wow. That's pretty cool. Yeah.

It was a strong display by the goalkeeper. Courtois. Courtois. Who saved a million shots. Basically, won it single-handedly. Nice. Pretty cool. Did he get the fucking MVP trophy?

Man of the Match, I believe, was called. I think he was Man of the Match. He should have been if he wasn't. He was great. Good for him. Yeah. And then the winning goal was Visinius Jr. For Real Madrid.

Visinius. And the assist was Fede Valverde. Visinius Jr. sounds like a fucking Roman emperor. Yeah. It's pretty cool. Yeah. It's pretty cool. It's weird.

They're all like, in Brazil, they're all named like that. Or like... Fred. Anderson. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Remember Caca? Caca, yeah. Caca. How do they get a first name Anderson in Brazil? And then they have like 500 other names. Yeah. De Roberto, De La... Yeah.

Like every dead person in their family. Yeah. So they have 100 names and they all just get to go by one name. Yeah. That's why I still love the original Ronaldo. That fat, donkey, faced motherfucker. He was the man. With buck teeth, bald, fat.

Yeah. Just a six-corner. At the end of his career, he was just so fat. Ritara de Lado. Ritara de Lado? Yeah, how about that? That's good. Ritara de Lado.

And then fucking Cristiano Ronaldo came through. Yeah. Yeah, I understand what people complain about. They say like, you know, about like racists or whatever, dragging people behind trucks. Yeah. Why do they complain about that? Well, I would love to just like on a nice day, like have a rope attached to my ankle and just like maybe like three or four miles per hour, just kind of slowly be dragged through

a field. Uh-huh. Well, I guess, I don't know, the burn, the grass burn. That's why you go slow. Three or four miles. I still heard there's rocks. I could go out to Prospect Park right now and you could tie me up to the back of a truck. Okay.

And just drag me through. I don't think so. I don't think that would be fun. I think I'd like you. I don't think that would be fun. You would need much more lush grass than what's available. Maybe a little blanket down or something. Okay.

Or you know what? Like a carp. You know what? I might do that magic carpet. Here's an idea. A little idea for a business. Like a toboggan. A little idea for a business.

You get like a Ronnie or like a Persian rug, you know, you use ropes to tie to the back of the truck, you take the F-150 out to Central Park and then you charge five bucks. The kids can sit on the rug and then you just fucking floor it. Yeah. Do like a magic carpet, right? Yeah. Would they have any restraints to keep them on the carpet? No.

You just sit on there. They finally fall off on the grass. They'll be fine. So you're thinking you're going to drive an F-150 kind of through the sheep's meadow or what? Yeah. Yeah. You know, like strawberry fields or something.

You get a Raptor. F-150 Raptor. With inflation, you can charge $20 a pop. That's fucking so true. I think you go out there every day during the summer, you make enough money. Suckberry fields for peanuts. A lot more than this fucking podcast, that's for sure. Yeah.

You probably make fucking $7,000, $8,000 million a day. So true. You never work again, dude. Yeah, that's true. Oh, sorry. I said suckberry fields for peanuts. I guess you probably need like a permit or something. And that's when I point to my suckberry fields for peanuts.

I say permit for peanuts. Yeah. I got your permit right here and I point to my let's go Brandon bumper sticker. That's pretty good. Yeah. Do you not like the beetle stuff? I could take them or leave them. You think they're just okay?

Oh, I just didn't know strawberry fields was just like a little last patch in such a park. Does Brandon Mordell still do stand up? I believe he does. If you're listening, you should go to his shows and yell out let's go Brandon. No. Come on. Now five guys are going to do that. I entered him.

Tell them not to. A couple weeks ago. No, no, he doesn't joke about it now. When I entered him on stage, I said, let's get it. Let's go Brandon. He was mad. And I was like for the gayest comedian. Wait, I thought you said you were introducing Brandon, not yourself.

He was. He can only think about himself. Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is gay. Your next comedian. G to the A Y. That's pretty good. Your next comedian is Adam Friedman.

Your next comedian is me. Whoa, what do we listen to? Red scare over here? What? You're talking about the McCarthy hearings? Yeah. You know, I like that movie that George Clooney did about McCarthy. Good night and good luck.

You know, Anna's kid is already fucking three years old. No way. Isn't that crazy? It's not three. Yeah, he's three. He just turned three. I don't fucking care. You're gendering the kid.

He's a boy. He? His name is Eli Jr. No, it's not true. Yeah, it is. It's not true. No, I'm just trying to quietly, I'm trying to just sort of fuck with your mind to make you think more time is past than it has.

I know, it's true. They call me the time bastard. The bastard of time. No, they call you the dick fucking bastard. Didn't we do that bit, the time liar or something? No, we did the bastard of buildings. That was great. No, but we did the time liars.

Let me call them the time liars. No, we called them the... The cheese faggot, yes. I'm kicking myself that we didn't write that down. I swear we did that, right? But we were just in the grocery store. I feel like we did it on the show. No, maybe we did it on the show.

I feel like it was the original cabin. It was, it was the original cabin. My ass hurts. Adam, I will say the one thing your bathroom is lacking. I could have swore you were going to be a wet wipes guy. No. You need a baby. It's just nice.

No, my ass isn't so big. It's not a big thing. It's a freshness thing. Sometimes it's nice when you've had to shit six times in the morning. I don't have kids yet, so I don't have to use babies. You know what? You need to fucking relax. As if you don't fucking diarrhea six times a day. If you have even a hint of fucking dairy, motherfucker.

So what? Okay. You could use some fucking wet wipes on that ragged asshole of yours. I just put my, spread my cheeks, put them in the shower. That can be nice too, but I'm not at my home. Yeah, do it. It is really nice to take a fucked up shit and then go right to take a shower. That feels awesome.

Yeah, it is really cool. Wrench the shit right out of that hot shit right off your ass before it's still warm. Yeah, but it's nasty to get the poo particles in the shower. You're fucking, you're a bitch. Okay, I'm sorry. You sprayed down the shower afterwards. You don't got fucking scrubbing bubbles. You clean your shower every time you use it.

No, but if I take a fucked up shit in it, not take a shit. If you say a shit in your shower. I don't shit my shower. You shit your shower. I've never shit my shower. You've never shit your shower. But I have wiped the remains of a fucked up shit. You know, it's really romantic is when a couple is in the shower when you're with your sweetie

and you just as a joke pee pee on her foot. I don't find that to be very romantic. It's cute. Not for me. It's just cute. I don't find it to be very cute. Not like for a sexy, not to do it sexy. I prefer first, I think it makes way more sense for a sexual reason.

No, just as a cute prank. I don't think it's a cute prank. Why? I just don't. You don't have any imagination. You really are stealing from me because this we had this car. Your thing is imagination. I do.

I dream. First of all, I dream to imagine. Okay, that's my thing. And second of all, years ago. Oh, this ties in beautifully because remember the fucking argument we had about Teddy fucking? You know exactly. I still feel the same way. You know exactly.

I still feel the same way. Then you're not a true lover of Teddy. What did you say about Teddy fucking? He said it was stupid. It was silly. It's stupid. And I said he lacks imagination. Pussy fucking.

He does lack imagination. And now he tried three or four years later to flip it on me. She's just got a cock in the middle of her chest. Liar. Liar. Copier. Liar copier. Bastard.

Bastard. You know what's cooler than Teddy fucking? Hot dog in the bun. Butt fucking. Close. Yeah. Get out of my fucking house. Cheek.

Cheek. Cheek fucking. That's so stupid. The hot dog in the bun. The classic. That's not a classic. It's cool. It's not.

I mean it's cool for one second. What do you mean for one second? Teddy fucking? Teddy fucking is cool. You fucking till pearl necklace? No. But you fucking. You're getting your dick sucked.

Your face fucking. Have you ever Teddy fucked until a pearl necklace? I've had a couple cool situations happen. You're listening to a couple cool situations. I'm literally about to start smiling if I think about that. That was an awesome one. You wasted your seed? On a girl's titties and mouth, yes.

You didn't. One of my favorite time places. You didn't do her. You didn't do the parts that feel good for her. What, her pussy? Yeah. But if a girl's not a birth much, I'm not busting inside you out of your mind. Even if she is, I'm not busting inside.

I'm sort of just closing my eyes and quietly imagining. Unless the pussy's really, really good. I didn't drag behind a truck until all this hate leaves my body. Oh, yeah. That's what it is about. I think it's the racist do it too. Oh, shit. No, it's perfect timing.

It's perfect timing to talk about. Blutue.com. Is that it? If you're titty fucking, like a real man. You're going to need to go to Blutue.com. You're going to need to go to Blutue.com. Come town or come town 20 to get. If you have imagination.

Yeah. And like the titty fuck. Okay. And love big tits and have been on the record. Yeah. Love big tits. Yeah. And even if you're not, but especially if you're one of those guys.

I'm on the record for Reckon or Black or Smackon or something. Okay. The Jackers. That's cool. Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hod. Guess what I'm imagining right now. About the Hod, my Jackal and her jacket. What?

Go ahead. Guess what I'm imagining right now? I don't know. Man's penis going into every hole in your body. A new gay or pussy that you have. A masked man. A masked man in a big hat using his penis like a sword to cut your clothes off. No, it's a wrong guess.

Really? That's the wrong guess. A man with a long sharp penis cutting your clothes off. That's rude. And he's got a mask. That's not what I'm imagining. He's slicing all your clothes off of his penis. And you're like, oh, stop it.

Stop it. Stop. I have a girlfriend. Yeah. And he's like, I would do what that went. That's not what I'm imagining. Is that what you're imagining? No.

Guess again. Him tying your hands behind your back, taking you over. Your fucking little dining room table over there and just his penis instantly turning from sharp to bludgeon and just ramming your asshole. No, then guess what I'm imagining. What's that? I'm imagining my funeral and you're giving the most beautiful eulogy than anyone's ever heard of funeral.

Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome, man. And what I'm imagining, you say, is that I'm the single most inspiring man you've ever met in your entire life. You're off base big time. You can't tell me what to imagine. Yeah, I guess you're right.

You know what? I'll take it back. You have imagination because that's one of the most far-fetched things I've ever looked at. Shut up, bro. That's realistic. Honestly, I wasn't even imagining it. I was predicting it.

It was a predictionation. Well, you know what I can predict? Is that at bluetooth.com. If you're, I can predict. You don't have to go to the pharmacy. You don't have to go to the doctor. You talk to one of their licensed medical professionals. They write your prescription for these damn chewable tablets.

That's right. That's what they are. And they come in sildenafil and todalafil, different milligrams, different strengths. That's right. How fucked up is your cock? The doctor will figure it out for you. You can get different amounts per month. And if you put in promo code, come down or come down 20, you just pay $5 shipping for

your first order. Your first order free. Just pay the fucking shipping. Just pay the fucking shipping. Fucking idiot. Free dick. Free cock pills. Free cock.

And it's awesome to fuck pussy or mouth or tits or ass. Whatever you want to fuck, you can with these chewable tablets. No, not kids. You cannot. That's a great point. Whatever you want to fuck. That's fucked up. It's disgusting.

You know what I meant. Yeah. Tom, you can fuck any kind, any orifice of an adult person, whether they be male, woman, or other, they them. Gay them. They could be gay thems. Damn, I love air conditioning. The point is your dick prior to blue chew was like a wilted flower.

Do you think I could be put in a nursing home now? That would be sick. If you dye your hair white. I feel that worn out and fucking beat down. They're just not nice. I legitimately don't understand how you're supposed to continue doing this from where I'm at now for another 50 or 60 years. Isn't that insane?

That 60's a little pushing it. Well, 93. I wouldn't bet on 93. My grandpa's in 99. You know me nice is going to like a real rich kid. His mom lived until she was like a fucking 104. Interesting. Yeah.

Was she happy for any of those years? She was drunk the whole time. She was doing alright. Yeah. Literally until she fucking died. Just like drinking fucking like pop off the plastic bottle vodka every fucking day. She made it 104 from that? Yeah.

My grandpa too. I thought that's bad for you. He fucking drinks Bloody Mary's all day long. Hell yeah. He's as old as shit. He's just that bunch. I guess I do have some old ass grandparents. Yeah.

He spent like the last 40 years just shoplifting. Really? Yeah. That's the time to do it when you're old. When you grow it up it would always be go places and be like if it was something that costs less than like $10 or if it fit in his pocket his logic was like they don't want to be bothered. This guy's busy.

He doesn't want. I'm not going to fucking waste this guy's time buying some batteries. Well that's the time. What's your grandfather's name? Mordecai. That would be so awesome. Nick is so secretly Jewish. It's hilarious.

Well you say that because you think it bothers me but the truth is the only thing that bothers me is that I have to spend time with you. No you know what bothers me? It's your piece of stink attitude. Your smelly ass attitude. I can smell it all the way over here. You're trying to take shots. I don't have an attitude.

The thing is Jews and American and regular ass whites are cheap. Yeah. The people that fucking let it flow are Eastern Americans. I let it raw. Because he's like an old person. I let it raw. I make it right. I make it right.

But it hurts you on some level. I've spent enough time with you in when I've watched you deal with retail employees to know that you do not quote unquote so full of shit this guy. I think you're both complains over fucking $10 on customer service for three and a half hours. I do not complain about the money. I complain about the principle. I'm not the principle.

I was not going to say the principle. What were you going to say? I was going to say this quality of the service itself is different to complain about the money. You charge me whatever the fuck you want. Fuckin' Jews and white people. No thanks. You charge me whatever the fuck you want.

First of all, he's Irish. I'm Jewish. We're not white. We're both Jewish. When I have Jewish, he's white. Okay. To get fucking internet, I had to climb down a fire escape with a fucking 18 foot ladder myself.

There's no... And there is no way... You're going to be telling your grand kids how. No, it literally is what happened. But I'm saying, though, there were certain steps that you made that happen because of something with your vibes and the production. Folks, we're going to take a little detour here. I'm going to give you a history of public utilities in New York City.

Yeah, you did this to the fucking guy and he's like, oh, actually, I can't go. He's like, I really want to help this guy out with his internet. No, Verizon, Verizon, because they had a monopoly. Okay. Can you beep that out? What's the time code? You don't want to make an enemy of one of the biggest telecom companies in this country. Are you serious?

No. Are you serious? I don't know who I'm working for after this fucking podcast. Did we say Blue Tube, promo code... Blue Tube, promo code, come down or come down 20,000. I don't know. One of those two. Yeah.

Verizon, they had a monopoly on all the twisted pair. They own all the copper in the United States. They own all the wires. And part of that deal was that my thing is you were bringing this energy to your interaction with whoever worked for Verizon. I was 100%. I think you need to learn about kind of, I don't know, manifesting more pleasant interactions with customer service people.

Because over and over again, you get fucked and I'm starting, the more data I have, having a relationship, I'm starting to say you were the common denominator. You were the problem. Something about your attitude makes people want to give you bad service, which then leads you to be on customer service lines, which then leads you to have... What is this? It's a self... I never have a problem at a restaurant.

Okay. Never have a problem at food service? That's not true. When? When? I don't remember when. Which one? We were at Hooters and you asked if there could be more guys working there.

That is true. I'm remembering that now. You were at Hooters. They say that when we were at Hooters, you threw a fucking tantrum, bro. You were crying. You threw a tantrum. You were on the floor. Where are the guys?

We're here. But they're just like, they're wearing pants for the top of the dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, just the shaft. You can't see glance. But hold on. I thought this place was called Balls. You still eat up plenty of thoughts. This again, it's just an owl with nuts.

You can see the owl's dick. The Hooters logo, it's still... There's an owl, but it's... The logo's moved down to his nuts. That's so good. Hooters are gay guys. That's awesome. That's awesome.

But that was a Twitter account. Wasn't it gay Hooters? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. That's probably where Adam saw that. For sure. No I didn't. He's just telling a story. He's telling a story about whenever Hooters trying to have a sexy time with girls.

Yeah we were about to, me and Adam were about to close. I was negging the target heavy. Adam had his air pilot glasses on, his top hat. I was like, you work here? What are you fucking poor? What are you poor with? You get molested. You probably got molested, you little bitch.

Adam had his aviators on because he just came off shooting his movie Top Gun, which is about a man that gets forced to suck dick at gunpoint. No, that's not true. Yeah. He plays, he plays call sign victim. That is true. Yeah, but on the top. No.

Yeah, it's a guy. No, no, no, no, no. A guy, no. A guy, no. A guy gets forced to fuck another guy in the ass as the top. No, no chance. Yeah, it's true. No, no, no.

With a gun. Nope. No, no, no. No chance. Didn't happen. Anyways, this is a nice cruise off. I love it. I love it.

All the copper. I love it. And part of the deal is that that all had to be treated as a public utility. So Verizon had to provide telephone service to every house, right, if they could have a fucking monopoly. In New York City, Verizon has wanted to cut all the phone lines because they don't make enough money off of it. But they were allowed to have this fucking monopoly forever on the hardware.

So they can't. So Verizon made a deal that if we're going to, we're going to cut the copper, but we're going to install Fios to X amount of. Speak on that. And then so what they did is they cut the phone lines, didn't roll out the fucking fiber on the timeline. The city had to sue them. They just ate the fines, passed them all onto the customers, less a bunch of people without

phone service. And then they got sued again by the city. And then it was like, what they do is they claim like, okay, Fios is available on this block. But all they do is roll it out to like somewhere in the neighborhood. And then it's not actually available in any of that, like the houses because especially in Brooklyn, they were all closed blocks. Right, right, right.

It was all built before there was any kind of public utility easement. So there's no way for them to like, you know, get into every backyard, you know, like Daisy chain new service out to the houses. So they'll just label it that way. So what I did is I filed a complaint. I went and I filed myself a little complaint with, with the public authority on, on, you know, like utilities or whatever. And that got some, because I waited like two months.

So you filed a, a title. You did that. Yeah. I tattled on Verizon. Yeah. Fuck them. I don't give a shit. It's a family business.

Yeah. And then you had to, how did you end up in a, with a ladder? Because I, I, I made friends with the fucking dispatch manager at the local office and I was like, look, you're like, I'm not going to ask, none of you guys are going to come down and climb down a ladder. It's not safe. You know, like I'm not going to ask them to do that. I can climb down the fire escape myself and go, I went down, I trimmed all the trees,

like the branches off the fucking tree, put the ladder over to the next door neighbor's fence, like, you know, fence. And then the guy came down and they got one guy that would at least go down and use my ladder, climb over the ladder. Respect. That's cool. But I had the, I had the idea. Fuck it.

I had to like go do fucking yard work. You went off. You went off. All right. That's it. That is good problem solving. I'll give you that one. Yeah.

Oh fuck dude. My guts are rumbling. I gotta pee again. Just we're almost done, man. I don't know. I have to pee so much. Because you're gay. Because there's pressure on your prostate.

Your dented prostate. That could be it. This guy, it's like a water bottle that's been. It's possible. Yeah. I would have to take a look at your, inside your ass to know for sure. Well, okay. Yeah.

Just like, just a doctor going ready to do a colonoscopy on Adam and he's like, he looks at it. He's like, hmm. And he goes in the drawer and just gets a camera. That's this wide. Yeah. It's a big fucking, just some like 1960s hidden camera. He shoots my ass in 70 milliliters.

I couldn't even say the word. He shot your ass in the same size as your dick is. Seven millimeter. Pretty good. 70. Still very small. It's so small. It's so small.

Still very small. I'm back. So small. Fuck you. So small. Fuck you. Nice try. I'm back, baby.

He got you. He got you. Right at the buzzer. I needed that one. Yeah. I really needed that one. I got him. You dick made her feel so small.

Cause you're dick is small. It makes sense. It makes no sense. And if you want to understand that joke, tune in to This Sunday. No, it didn't happen last week. No, It's This Sunday. No, it's This Sunday. Patreon.com slash come town.

It's very funny. Actually, legitimately, it's very funny. I'm gonna go shit at home for like an hour straight. Yeah, I think I'm just gonna go to urgent care and ask him to put me down. I'm gonna get a little dog costume and go to that since he did I think I did but that was a year one. We did that. Did we fucking bring it back? Yeah, just we're going to put a dog costume on trying to get vets. Here's what I think we should start doing. Yeah, trying to get you to anytime we don't feel like doing an episode. We just play the first one. Yeah, just redo it. Yeah. Who cares? I have a question. If you go to jail, did they let you just nap the whole time?

Well, they let you nap because you're the princess. No, I'm saying. She needs her beauty rest. Did you just like lay in your bed and just nap? You're that gay. Everyone leaves you alone because you know it. Sleeping beauty needs her beauty rest. But when you are arrested, they're gonna fucking take advantage of that. I'm just saying like, let's say no one wants to rape you. You can just take a nap the whole time? They make you go out to the yard and exercise. You have to go to the yard. You have to go to the yard. I think you want to go to the yard. If I don't want to go to the yard, I just want to keep napping.

I think they'd let you. What if I just sleep out my sentence? I think it's possible. I don't know. I've got to be honest. I haven't been to prison. I don't want to ever go to prison. Yeah, me either. Oh, fuck. Yeah, that would suck, man. That would suck so much. Maybe when I was a younger man, I could handle it. I don't know, man. Probably not. It's so long. I know. You have to go for so long. I know. It sucks. A year? That's so long. That's like a light sentence. In prison. Yeah, that's one year. That's a swift one. People do fucking 10. That's a breeze.

People do 25. I did my time like a fucking man. I stood up. I took my time like a man. Shout out to fucking Phil. Phil Rio Tardo. Phil Leotardo. Phil Harmonic. That'd be a cool name. The fuck Harmonic? For a DJ, Phil Harmonic. Phil Harmonic. Well, we did it, guys. I know you guys, they love it when we do like a marathon. But guys, get used to this. We will never, ever again record less than four in a day. That is my promise to you. Honestly, today was a fun day. Today was fun. Except for that hour that I was depressed.

Right. You only had to do it. You had a regular day. Well, I did two episodes of my own. Thank you very much. I did two episodes of my own. I did two episodes on my own. My name's Adam. I'm not American. What is that accent? Adam, I'm from the country gay place where everyone is gay. But even in that world, I am the gayest one. Hey, stop. Hey, stop. Hey, stop. That was pretty funny when I said that Nick, I'm out of Hooters. Oh, were you doing your best stuff? Good job, dude.

You thought that was funny, right? I did. I thought it was funny, too. I did, but you know, show a little black like you've been there before. Yeah, right. Exactly. My first time, baby. I'm milkin' it. Hand the ball to the ref, okay? Don't milk it. I'm spikin', baby. He wants to print it out, put it on the refrigerator. Goddamn, cool rancher. Cool rancher's so good, man.

Fuck, dude. I wish we could go to a public pool. I could sit out with sunglasses on and fucking fuck it. Eat a fucked up little ham sandwich? KFC's bucket? No. Oh, no. I was thinking like summer camp type shit. Little fucked up sandwich and Doritos. Public pool, fucking bucket of KFC on the shitty park bench. You're getting stunk. There's hornets everywhere. There's just fucking mad yellow jackets.

That would be badass. Remember that? Every pool you go to, they'd be like, oh, by the way, there's just bees. There's bees. Don't give fucking stuff. There's killer bees all over the fucking place. I remember my friend Sammy got stung in the back by a hornet at the public pool. Fuck, well... You ever been in a public pool and somebody shits in it

and they have to like get everyone out and then fish the turd out? Luckily, that's never happened to me. I saw that happen one time and it's like, it's hilarious because do you know who did it? Of course. Then that child has to like have that memory in their life. It's like ruining 100 people's day. And you didn't mean to, you didn't want to shit yourself.

Obviously. Alright, well, you guys are the only thing to move on. Bye.