The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 32 – Crisis Averted

Episode Date: December 22, 2016

We almost didn’t have an episode this week after I forgot to upload the podcast because I got really into Sicario. That movie is tight. It reminds me of my own experiences, as a tier one operator. I was also in 9/11. Merry Christmas everyone.

It's the Come Town Christmas Spectacular. It's the most... It is December... Shut the fuck up. Don't interrupt me. What the fuck is your problem? That you can't just let me talk? No, I just start talking.

Immediately you're going to talk over me. I'm doing sound effects. I thought you were done. I don't understand what the fucking problem is that I can't get two words out of my mouth before you immediately start talking over me. I thought you were done. Why was I... I nearly... I just said... You know the name of the talking. I thought you were done. Why was I? I just said, you know the name of the podcast.

Sometimes Christmas spectacular period. I said, shut the fuck up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up and wait. Just count in your head. Literally count five seconds and feel how long. All right. Feel how long five seconds of silence probably is to you. It's okay.

Count it. Right now? Yeah. Count's, okay. Count it. Right now? Yeah. Count out five seconds in your head. You see how long this is? You see how much talking I can do before you've interrupted me? That's how long it is.

Okay. That's all it would have taken is fucking, is just five seconds to get some kind of context or understanding of where the conversation's going or what's going to, I could have had a bit prepared. I don't, but I could have.

I fucking totally could have had a thing I was going into. I mean, Jesus Christ, dude. Like I'm, you know, it's funny because people listen to the show and I'm the one that gets insulted for being, you know, autistic or whatever. Yeah. Which, you know, is probably true. Yeah. I probably am, you know, but at least yeah which you know is probably true yeah yeah i probably am you know but at least i can understand fucking social cues what's your excuse you're just rude

me yeah you're just a fucking rude person are you in a bad mood right now i'm actually in a pretty good mood because i've decided i'm going to buy playstation Was that a bit? Which was the big announcement that I was, hopefully we could, you know, get to in a fun way. Well, no. Now I'm... Now I've blown the surprise for everybody.

Dude, that was the first 20 minutes of the podcast. We were going to tease it. Yeah. Going into the first break. This is the Christmas Spectacular. We got a couple of plugs to do up front.

As long-time listeners know, I don't like to brag about it, but I am a Tier 1 Black Ops operator. I was a 9-11 first responder. I was there in the towers seeking out Muslims and terrorists who survived the crash and eliminating them with close quarters tactical combat. Close quarters tactical combat. And the thing that keeps my hands warm while I'm pulling the life directly out of the lungs and souls of Iraqi children is North Face e-tip gloves. I bought a pair. They're great.

You can still use your phone. I know a lot of gloves advertise that you can still use your phone while you're getting directions from the Pentagon to a family's house to end that family line once and for all. What's that? How does it do with child's blood? I bring my own blood. Oh, nice. Yeah. There's not enough. How does it do with child's blood? I bring my own blood.

Oh, nice. Yeah. There's not enough. I've gotten so used to killing that the normal amount of blood that comes out of a human being isn't enough for me. So I have to bring extra blood. Just to feel something? Yeah. Just to get that murdering a rocky child rush?

So if you've been listening to Chapo, you probably know that I purchased an enormous TV. Yeah, this is so tight. Have you guys been here for the TV? I haven't been. This is my first time. This is insane. It's great. I've been a complete piece of shit the last week. I've done nothing but sit in front of this TV and watch movies and get into just a real deep fucking depression.

And I really just can't stop thinking about wanting to kill myself. Nice. I'm wasting my life or whatever. Yeah, and the solution. But you just keep watching more movies. Yeah. You just keep watching them, dude. You buy all the subscription packages for Amazon,

and then each one you're like, oh, now I have so much more stuff I can watch. And you watch one movie, and then you get really fucking upset with yourself. Oh, yeah. I've been watching so much Sopranos. I'm trying to finish it so we can have a Sopranos app. Yeah.

So in the background, we've put on, I already forgot the name of it. It's a John Travolta movie? It's a John Travolta. You know what? I don't know. This is probably not a good idea because we had something on. I just sat here while they did the last Chapo and they put on, uh, I don't know,

fucking, uh, like rumble in the Bronx or something or I don't know. I was just watching TV and then they put stuff on. So I haven't seen this movie. I was hoping we could put on something dumb and then we could, maybe laugh at it. But,

uh, there's no way I'm going to be able to have a conversation and watch the movie. And Adam's already not paying attention. So that's backfired. I'm not, not's no way I'm going to be able to have a conversation and watch the movie, and Adam's already not paying attention. So that's backfired. I'm not not paying attention. I'm just... I just wanted to see what happened. I'm just insulted, personally.

Why? From taking me to task in public. He hasn't even listened to anything. At the top of the show. That's the only place it matters is in public. No, you're depressed. You got a big TV. You're depressed.

You watch TV a lot. And you're just, and Stav's trying to watch Sopranos. I've been listening to the whole thing. I'm a great listener. That's something that people compliment me on, actually, is how good of a listener I am. No way.

Yeah. You just know how to look like you're listening. What are you thinking about? I'm listening. Whatever's going on in your head. You listen to people long. If it's an attractive woman you'll listen long enough to figure out where they're from and then you'll throw out

one tidbit about where they're from it's true i had a good one the other day oh yeah no who i met a girl from singapore yesterday yeah it's illegal to spit there and then they go how do you know that i said it's illegal to spit there and she said that she thinks it's really annoying that that's what everyone brings up when she says Singapore. Is it really illegal to spit there? Yeah, that guy got caned, that kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cained?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like an American student in Singapore. Got caned. You just can't, just for spitting? Yeah, it's like a thing parents say. Well, you know, in Singapore you can get caned for that. Can't you just can't just for spitting yeah it's like a thing parents say well you know in singapore you can get we've never heard that can't you fuck like prostitute don't people go to singapore to fuck isn't that like kind of like thailand well i think all those places have uh

yeah i don't know anything about it i think various iterations of boys i think they fuck um no singapore is like an it's like a city state it's like a really small country is that where chris brown got arrested do you know maybe uh for biting the philippines for biting rihanna yeah i don't know if that's illegal in singapore no that's legal i used to get a bunch of hate mail from singapore for writing that article about china oh really yeah are they chinese over there there's a lot of ethnic? There's a lot of ethnic Chinese. There's a lot of ethnic Chinese, a lot of Malays, a lot of- They got mad at me for writing that thing about Chinese New Year. Oh, yeah.

And they would send me hate mail. It's like, you will go to jail for this. Wait, what was the thing you wrote? It was something about how like- Chinese New Year isn't real, right? Yeah. No, it wasn't that Chinese New Year wasn't real. It's that Chinese New Year is like a month after regular New Year's.

So I wrote, like, it was like one of the first things I wrote on Thought Catalog. It was like, so are we just not going to tell Chinese people that New Year's was a month ago? Yeah, weren't like Chinese people threatening to come to your shows? Oh, yeah. The Chinese and waiters are the groups that hate me the fucking most. Do you still get emails over that waiter article yeah so many people hate me that's true it's really true some of them are in this room right now yeah uh it's like it's one of those things where you can you can be like yeah well fuck that if you're not pissing people off you're not doing something right and And it's like,

well, plenty of people don't piss people off. Yeah, plenty of people. Plenty of people have no problem with just being likable and... Who said that quote? What's that? If you're not pissing... Is that Mother Teresa?

No, it was Darth Vader. Darth Vader. Yeah. Dude, he's a bad boy. If fuck the haters, if you're not doing... Hand me one of those candies. It's a cookie, dude.

These aren't yours. This is from my allotment of cookies. Yeah, I got you your own too, dude. Yeah, doing, hand me one of those candies. It's a cookie, dude. These aren't yours. This is from my allotment of cookies. Yeah, I got you your own, too, dude. Yeah, well, I lost mine already. You didn't lose yours. These are from Stob's mom. That's right. Shout out to Stob's mom.

She made us some beautiful baked confections. Shout out to Lil V. Some Greek. These are incredible. The brown ones will suck your cock, dude. I had some at your house. They're so fucking good. Really, really good. Your mom's nice. She's the best, dude. I had some at your house. They're so fucking good.

Your mom's nice. She's the best, dude. Does your mom know you have a podcast? Sort of. Did she prepare these for your podcast friends? No, she just prepared them for my friends. I didn't tell her that it was my podcast friends. She doesn't really know what a podcast is. My mom got both of you guys copies of Norman Finkelstein's books.

Especially you, Adam. Thank you. She got you a calculator. Does it add up to six million? It doesn't. Functionally, it's changed, so if you try to type in six million... It's just 150,000? Tops!

It just says six Jewish guys. It's like that Mr. Show sketch. 150,000 is the highest number. Oh, yeah. That sounds good. I've been laughing about like... Do your parents know about the podcast? Yeah, my parents don't really give a shit what I do.

That's so nice. Well, I've been like such a fucking disappointment for so long. Right. That it's like, you know, I don't ask them for money ever, you know. So you're doing that. You're doing it, sort of. Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, I don't fucking lean on them. Right.

So they don't really give a shit. When's the last time they really believed in you? Believed? I mean, I think they believe in me. They just have such low expectations that it's not something I really have to worry about. Oh, that's so great. Yeah. No, I have like stepsisters that struggle and shit.

So I'm like kind of- Oh, so the bar is low as hell. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. That's great. So as long as you don't just have like a fucking three kids out of wedlock or some shit. Yeah, they're not doing that bad. But I mean, you know, it's just, it's fucking, the economy's great. So as long as you don't just have like a fucking three kids out of wedlock or some shit. Yeah, they're not doing that bad. But I mean, you know, it's just, it's fucking, the economy's shitty.

And if you don't particularly know what the fuck you want to do, you know, and like none of them can like borrow money from like enough money from my dad and you know, his wife to like, you know, they can't be like, I need $5,000 to go start my business or whatever. You know, they can't do that. So they can just sort of continue living at the apartment damn i'd love to start a business dude you said i want to be a fucking i want to be like a fucking diner i literally started a business this is a business i started the business i employ you i'm capable of i'm executive vice president that's why i had to do it yeah well i'm president of the union i'm executive vice president. That's why I had to do it. Yeah, well, I'm president of the union. I'm executive vice president, dude.

We won't have any fucking union that's in here, dude. Wait, you're anti-union? I'm a company man. I'm a company man. We'll get a scab in here so quick, dude. This is bullshit. I thought we were starting a union. Sorry, dude, I sold you out.

Man, I've been... Mr. Mullen gave me a sweet deal. You just like bargaining. Of course I do. I like collecting and just like bargaining. Of course I do. I like collecting and I like bargaining. I collect stamps and rare coins and I bargain

so I give you five cents for that dime. That dime is worthless. Trust me, I collect rare coins all the time, pal. I'm telling you, that dime is worthless so I give you five cents for it. That'd be a cool character. The guy that convinces,

you know, that Jack Lemmon guy that hangs out in the Dunkin' Donuts in Grand Central and convinces people to sell him their change for less than it's worth.

That's a long time. I tell you, I've seen plenty of quarters in my life. Now this one is worth, that's what he'd do. I'll give you a dollar for that quarter. I tell you, I've seen plenty of quarters in my life. Now, this one is worth, that's what he did. I'll give you a dollar for that quarter, but these other ten quarters you have are worthless. I'll buy them off of you for a nickel. That's not a bad con, dude.

I just do this all day, and that's what they call me, the artist of 42nd Street. The beautiful artist of 42nd Street. The beautiful artist of 42nd Street. I've been standing on this corner for 97 years. Made almost $400. I've been out here since 1823. My father was a shipbuilder And my mother was a prostitute We should do a fucking three card Monty game dude Fucking start a scam like that

Old school shit Yeah You know Or have like a fucking What are some cons we could get into We could pretend you're lost How about Why did every homeless person always say

They need like a bus ticket to like I wish I was a con man so bad, dude. I could never fucking... I would just... I don't know. I couldn't pull it off. I would just be too happy about the con. I'd be too excited to get their money.

Yeah. I wouldn't be a good enough actor. Yeah. Have you ever fell for any cons? Have I fallen for any cons? No. I could see through them immediately. I've also...

Dude, Seaton one time in fucking D.C. And Seaton's not like a dumb guy. No, he's smart, too. You know, and you'd think you'd have a little bit more street smarts than this, but some like fucking bum was like, you want this Dell laptop? It's 70 bucks. And it was like a Dell laptop box. And Seaton was like, yeah.

And he like gave the guy 70 bucks. And then they Don't even open They take the box All the way back To the venue And they open it up It's filled with

A bunch of newspapers And it was like Seton and like I think Andy Haynes And Jay Hastings Like running down the street They're like Have you seen this

Fucking guy Or whatever It's like First of all Don't do anything To that guy Get your money back But don't act like

You're gonna fucking Beat up this homeless man. A homeless guy who outsmarted you on a diet of stale honey buns and fucking coffee he found. No, you absolutely deserve to have that happen. If you get fucking ripped off, you probably deserve it. By a fucking homeless dude. Yeah. By a guy who hasn't slept indoors.

He had more critical thinking than you. Yeah. who hasn't slept indoors he fucking he had more critical thinking than you yeah i remember one time in chinatown when i was like 14 we came up to fucking do like a trip like uh it was like a greek trip to new york and all these fucking assholes there's like a group of a group of my friends were just like fake like wait you were the group of assholes i heard greek chip trip to new york absolutely no no we But these kids were like the fuck. They were like, they thought they were like real. They just ran their father's diners.

They thought they were like drug dealers. They acted like they were drug dealers because they had like dads who spoiled them. Right, right. So they went to buy fake chains and they all got robbed. They all got, they're like, all right, follow me into this empty building. They just followed some fucking guy into a vacant building, and they stole $400 from them. They were all going to buy fake. I think it was G-unit chains at the time.

I think that's what was hot, and nothing makes me happier than that, than just the shittiest Greek kids getting robbed. Although, I do want a fake chain. What kind of fake chain? I didn't fall for them. I just got fake Yeezys for $13. The bin Yeezys. I still sell fake Pokemon cards. I hang out at middle schools and stuff. How funny would it be

if I got arrested for doing that? I'm just in the fucking elementary school. I hang out in the bathroom and the police show up and they're like, what the fuck are you doing here? I'm like, I sell bootleg Pokemon cards. I'm 30 years old. This is the only business I've ever known in my life.

Fuck, man. One time a Chinese lady out haggled me. I bought a fake Gucci backpack. And she haggled the shit out of me. I ended up paying like $50 for it. And it was like, you know, a four cent backpack. It's so shitty.

The stitching's bad. The zipper's bad. I remember that Gucci backpack. I still have it. I'll still rock it from time to time. You used to wear it sometimes. I love the Gucci backpack. I just, I wish I would have.

Is Coogee a real, I mean, it is a real brand. Yes, it is. Coogee's like, it's supposed to be like Gucci. It's black Gucci. Yeah. They just changed the letters around.

It's like Kobe televisions. Yeah. You see those? Like boom boxes. Yeah, yeah. Where it's just the Sony logo. It's Kobe. Yeah.

Oh, that's great, too, because it has the Kobe Bryant fucking undertones as well. Yeah. And Sobe Lifewater. You guys ever fuck with that shit? Yeah. I used to get cases of Sobe Adrenaline from Shopper's Food Warehouse. You just game? No, I would stay up on IRC all night.

Hell yeah, dude. Internet relay chat, folks. What is that? It's like Slack. Yeah. Slack is very similar to what IRC was. It's like, you know, Slack? Yeah. Slack is like very similar to what IRC was. It's like early Slack. Well, IRC is like the oldest chat platform.

It came out before- Before AIM? Before even the World Wide Web. What? So, yeah, I think IRC came out in like 1988. So what part of your life are you using all this IRC shit? You're like 11 or some shit? Yeah, in between.

I mean, even younger than that, probably like nine to- I mean, that's why I am the way I am. Yeah, well, not who you're like 11 or some shit yeah in between i mean even younger than that probably like nine to i mean that's why i am the way i am the first time the first time i saw goatsy i was probably like nine or ten years old really and i remember like turning the computer off and i like felt sick or whatever i like wanted to tell my parents and then uh and then like two weeks later you're just sending goatsy to people and you're you're like, this is hilarious. This is fucking hilarious. Imagine how much different your life is if your dad comes in and counsels you in that moment. And it's like, it's all right, son. You have to stop doing this.

You're like a fucking loan officer at a bank. It happened to my friend Brendan. He had Goethe on his computer because he was – so in the old Internet Explorer, like Internet Explorer 5 or whatever, like 10, 15 years ago, if you highlighted an image, the way it highlighted an image was every other pixel on the image, it would shift. It would like put a blue tint on the image. Yes, yes. it would like put a blue tint on the image. Yes, yes.

So you could take an image and bring it into Photoshop and then figure out how, like what makes, you know, whatever shift every other pixel is blue. You can counteract that a certain way or adjust the quality of the image that it like transforms when every other pixel has it. So he created this image where if you like highlighted it looked like it's just a blur but if you highlighted it it became goatsy oh that's genius yeah yeah yeah it was pretty cool wow that's very good yeah so he had goatsy

on his computer and he was like working on that or whatever and his dad his dad went on his computer and found goatsy and then they like asked him at dinner they'd like sit him down he's like looked all sick and he was like are you gay i told the story before that happened to me too my mom found meat spin on my computer did i tell you tell you that yeah my mom was like crying she's like do you like jacking off to boys i was like what the fuck are you talking about she's like i went on your computer and i i saw something i'm like what the fuck did you see on my computer and then she was like it was like a dick going into an ass and then the other dick was spinning around i was like oh meat spin i was like no you just send that to people it's like a you know it's like a greeting card fun yeah it's like a fun little trick to play on your friends.

Yeah, I got unbanned from Facebook. For how long? Six hours? I know. I had a 30-day ban, and then the ban was lifted. I posted. There was an article that was saying Bernie would have won his victim blaming or whatever. Right.

And then the article, it was like was like white men you need to shut the fuck up right now it's time for white men to shut the fuck up and then fuck you and if you're fucking white man every fucking because seriously it's just i need literally shaking right now to cry because you don't understand what it's like so shut the fuck up. You know, like one of those articles. Right, right. And I was like, yeah, I guess a great argument for why women should be able to vote. I remember that. I said something like that or, you know, or kill all white women or something.

Or kill all white women. Yeah, but kill all white women, it's obviously, it's like satirical. I mean, you can write kill all men on there all day long. And I'm not even like coming from a place complaining about like a double standard or whatever, but it's like, I'm not even saying kill all white women satirically. I'm making fun of the like, you know, I don't know. So whatever. But you know, fine.

If they want to ban me, they ban me. But then I got back on and I was posting that video at this tv so nice that you can see christopher lambert's balls in fortress and i've seen fortress probably 30 times prior to this really yeah never once noticed christopher lambert's fully exposed balls you think he's fucking or he's just dicks out i think he insists i think that weird belgian piece of shit like insisted on being able to actually fuck you know in the movie yeah so you think that was him fucking i think that was i think that was christopher lambert fuck i mean why you know what are they gonna like he's like just make sure everyone can see my balls but then we're gonna figure out a way where my dick is like

taped to my leg or something might be sitting on top of his dick. Why would they do that? Because you haven't seen that in porn sometime? Like fake porns? I don't know, man. You watch all this weird fucking porn for middle schoolers. You don't watch adult porn. Sometimes I like to check out a vid where, you know, we've got a new fresh face in the industry

and she doesn't want to do hardcore. So she'll do fake. I don't know, man. I'm on Xvideos. I'm scrolling. You can get soft core porn online? I thought you could only get that on TV. No, you can get soft core.

Check this out, dude. I added Cinemax to Amazon Prime. There's soft core on there. You want to put it on while we're doing the podcast? No, I don't. How crazy is it that they still do that?boy still playboy doesn't even do porn they don't they don't show boobs anymore yeah so cinemax is like yeah we got pornography and the nick it's a good show yeah it is a good show apparently i got this other one quarry that's supposed to be real really yeah fuck man

but i'm sorry you got banned for showing balls, dude. Yeah, I know. But in the guidelines, it says you're not allowed to show nudity unless it's for satirical or humorous purposes. And it's like, did you think I was seriously posting Christopher Lambert's balls for people to masturbate to? Wait, you're allowed to do it for satirical? That's what it said.

I don't know. Someone's got a bone to pick with me at Facebook or online. Again, people just fucking hate me, man. So someone's just reporting you all the time. Someone's reporting me, obviously. Yeah, someone's constantly fucking reporting my shit or whatever. Which is like, you know, I don't fucking, with the exception of Seth, I don't go after people. I don't.

I really don't fucking harass people. I think that's like Mean and shitty To harass specific people I might be critical of like A couple like You know A couple of people That have like

Prominent media careers Right Or whatever But it's not like I'm like saying Go harass these people Or whatever Right

And still it's just You know people get Literal fucking jokes That they're getting mad at Yeah that is so funny Like exactly What What non-joking

purpose do you post balls for like it's fucking unbelievable well even that like even when like arguments come up or people want to fucking you know i'm not even like one of the people getting into heated arguments about you know shit that pisses people off yeah you know i don't i don't argue with people i'll make jokes i'll make Jokes that, like, reflect my opinion or whatever. Sometimes not even. But, you know, like, bro, we gotta shut this guy down. We gotta get him kicked offline. I just want to have a good time online with my friends.

You still have Twitter. You'll be able to show balls on Twitter forever. I just want to have a good time online with my friends like I used to. Dude, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that Zuckerberg stripped you of that. It's everybody, man. So it's permanent, Ben. They want me to upload a picture of my ID to get my account back.

And I'm like, I'm not giving you that information. Why? I don't know. So they can send you to jail? Yeah, probably. What? That'd be so funny if Facebook just... The Facebook police knocks on this door.

Whatever. Facebook is washed dude I don't do it anymore you don't do Facebook dude? no a lot of old I think you like it's just it's parents shit

because my mom and dad are on it so I can't I can't be a monster like I can on Twitter my mom's on there fucking just like posting Greek

pirated like whole movies oh that's chill yeah my mom's just like watching Greek pirated like whole movies. Oh, that's chill. My mom's just like watching Greek soap operas with her friends. That's what Facebook is. It's for old people to have fun with their friends online. Yeah, they have a blast.

Well, I'm old now, I guess. I would love to just not be on. So I would love to just not have to be on the Internet. Unfortunately, I've completely destroyed any ability for me to ever have any kind of normal job. There's just absolutely no way ever that I'll ever be able to do anything other than be a piece of shit on the Internet. The quickest background search. Just like NIC. It just auto-completes into everything you've ever fucking done. Yeah.

Nick Mullen N-word, Nick Mullen racism. Yeah. Nick Mullen, Hillary victim blame. I could go back, dude. I'm about to go back and be a square, dude. I couldn't go back. Why not? You really can't.

You can't. The goal is hopefully figure out what comedy and shit to make enough money to invest and then live off your investment money. But people will find a way to take that away from you, too. I can't wait to quit my day job and just be able to dress like a boy all the time. I'm about to start wearing fucking suits, dude. I am sort of a little worried, though, that not being able to... Having to go to work every day and take a shower in the morning and stuff. Oh i just watched like if i don't have that then like i'm not gonna bathe or

yeah i mean i i don't the job the day job i do have that i'll continue to do until they won't let me do it anymore i don't have to fucking shower or bathe or do anything that's the best part about being one of those truck pas it's like they don't like it's like almost like a relief when they find out you're not trying to work your way up yeah yeah yeah that you're just like no i just want to pay my fucking rent yeah yeah like uh like boot boy i remember oh yeah boot boy is bad our old our old pal boot yeah boot boy was trying to work his way up of course he was already he had already worked his way up that last job i worked with you nick texts me like he's like i'm coming to pick you up but they said dress like uh you want a future in the film industry hilarious yeah what the fuck do i remember when i was working yeah it's like but i don't and that's

why they're like dress for the job you have or job you want not the one you have and it's like yeah i don't even want this job yeah i want to have i want to pay my fucking rent and be able to eat food so the job i want is no job at all so i dress for the job i want and that's why i wear a full football uniform wherever i go yeah yeah nice that's cool i just it's just going into work Looking like a train conductor It's like that striped Oshkosh Hat Choo choo That's my favorite part of Soprano

Not my favorite One of my favorite little details Is that Bobby Bacala Is a train guy Yeah So good You're wearing the fucking hat Yeah

You should re-watch the Sopranos too You should dude I'm on season six right now I'm excited. It's the best show ever. Maybe I'll do that. Maybe that'll be my Christmas Hanukkah treat to myself is to sit in front of my TV and just not move for probably two and a half weeks.

Just really start thinking about my life and how I'm almost 30 and how even though I'm starting to have success, I just feel fucking worse. You really do. Yeah, that'd be my nice present to myself. You were happier maybe three months ago when you had little to no success. You know when the happiest I was in my life? When I got back to D.C.

And you were homeless. I was drunk all the time. Yeah, and everything was fucked. Yeah, that was the best time of my life, too. Because there was no limits. I was fat as shit. I was unhappy. Yeah, that was the best time of my life, too. Because there was no limits. I was fat as shit. I was unhappy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was fucking... Yeah. I was, like, sleeping in my car most of the time and, like, fuck. There was one I... I was in a failing relationship when the girl was clearly cheating on me. Yeah. With your best friend. With the guy she's married to now.

The guy she's traveling the world with. Yeah. I could show you the... I remember being in the National Arboretum one day, and it was like... They got burritos there? Yeah, and it was like fucking... Arboretum. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was good.

It was like the middle of winter, so everything was fucking dead. There was nothing to see. I was just walking around, it was cold, and I was extremely hungover, and I was like, this is the best day of my life. I had literally nothing to see. I was just walking around. It was cold. And I was extremely hungover. And I was like, this is the best day of my life. I had literally nothing to live for. Yeah, man. Let's get addicted to drugs. I mean, like, what? How do people, how are you, are people successful?

I don't get it. What do you mean? It makes me feel worse. You just make so much money, dude. Whenever things are, like, fine, then it makes me feel worse. Well are like fine Then it makes me feel worse Well it's because you have a fucking brain disease It doesn't let you If your dream is like

To write for SNL You know whatever I feel like within the first week If that was my dream Within the first week It would just be my shitty job That I don't give a fuck about Yeah

You know Yeah I'd like get there And then I'd be super sad Yeah that's what happens That's what happens Every step of the way You have all these dreams.

Even if you sell your own show, it's not going to be as funny as you want it to be. Oh, yeah. And they're going to take it from you. Even if they don't take it from you, you're never going to be

as funny as you want to be. Right. You're never going to be as funny. Because it's shit that you like and you'll never be as good as the shit that you like. I respect that Woody Allen thing of not,

he doesn't watch any of the movies. Yeah. Any of the 7,000 movies. That's actually, that's Woody Harrelson. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Woody Allen. He hasn't watched Kingpin one time.

It's a good movie. Never. He should watch it. It's very funny. Dude, I watched Indecent Proposal. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Holy shit.

What a fucking hilarious movie. Yeah, it's really funny. It's the cucking movie yeah it's about it should just be called uh the cuck master starring robert redford is the man who's best at cucking he fucking he's like uh let me fuck your wife for a million dollars he's like absolutely not no way are you gonna fuck my wife no way are you gonna do it and then she's like i don't know maybe i can he's like well if that's what you want who's not gonna fuck robert red honey if that's if that's what you want but you better not like it or whatever so then you know because they have to fuck she has

to fuck robert redford to save their house right so she fucks robert redford and while they're like off fucking woody harrelson is like just imagining them fucking, and he's like, Diane! Like running after the helicopter. He's just getting his dick sucked. He's just halfway down this guy's wife's throat, and he's like, Diane, come back to me! I still love you! That movie's also full penetration. And then there's this fucking dramatic music playing, and you're supposed to have all this empathy for this

guy who's like as if the worst thing in the world is that your wife is being you know violated by another man's dick and it's like so fucked up like if you really loved your wife you wouldn't care you know you wouldn't care that much the extent where where she's ruined now in your head. If it's a consensual thing, it's like, yeah, it's kind of shitty, but it's a fucking million dollars. Who cares? It's a million dollars. I don't want to know that some guy's fucking my wife. Yeah, but you know, I'm going to make her wear a scarlet letter.

We had to see her off and be like, all right, honey, go have fun sucking off Robert Redford for the next few days. If you didn't do it, I wouldn't fucking care. Don't have fun sucking off Robert Redford for the next day. I honestly do it. I wouldn't fucking care. Maybe this is a new masculinity thing, but I really don't care if I'm seeing someone if they want to fuck someone. Yeah, I don't really either. I don't really care.

Yeah. I don't fucking either. Yeah. You don't care if they're fucking someone? No. If they're honest and they want to, yeah. Who cares? I really could not give two shits.

Stop. That's what I say to that. No, I don't want my girlfriend to fuck people That's my stance in general Well you're an alpha You're a real man's But you're like You're not an alpha though You're like a guy that doesn't fuck a lot And you have like a complex about it

And that's why you have a problem The idea of your fictional girlfriend fucking somebody else. No, I'm alpha. The girlfriend that you can't have. I'm pretty sure I'm alpha. I'm pretty sure I'm an alpha. And if anybody tries to fuck my fictional girlfriend, I'll fuck them up and then fuck their girlfriend. He's a type alpha male, type two diabetes.

Y'all got alpha diabetes? Yeah, I got that good stuff fucking fucking tony sopranos got yeah that's the kind of diabetes i got dude i've been watching so much sopranos that i've just been yelling at people for no like i've been thinking you forget his blood type is uh oh oh juice oh jew yeah it's french but yeah yeah yeah that was you yeah it's instead of like type o but yeah yeah yeah au jus yeah instead of like type O blood yeah yeah yeah it's au jus a little bit of a stress

but good no it's not too much of a stress give me a minute I can do a better one keep talking I'll think about it alright yeah

but yeah when you watch The Pranners you're just like you flip the oh like some cocksucker dude I text you guys

about it I went to some I was supposed to some guy just messaged me at like on Facebook and booked me for a show and it was a bringer and I was like dude I some... Some guy just messaged me on Facebook and booked me for a show, and it was a bringer.

And I was like, dude, I'm not doing a bringer. I'm just not bringing anybody to do a show. And I get there, and he's like... How about this? Blood type mayo positive. Yeah. I like those, you. It was just the pronunciation.

I don't know how I've never said that word. And you know what? The only time I've ever had it is at Arby's. Right. Yeah, with the dip sandwich. Yeah. Yeah. I've never eaten at Arby's in my life.

It's good. Really, it's good. Arby's is much better than people think. Why is that the go-to joke as the shittiest place? Because the Simpsons joke, when they're on the island. Because people are fucking retards. I'm so hungry, I could eat at Arby's. And everyone's like, wow like wow yeah that became like the

fucking yeah yeah yeah what's the worst fast food place um jack in the box they're all very good jack in the box is pretty good yeah i've never been to jack in the box um i don't know man i honestly this is gonna be a hot take but it's just because like they are all pretty good but i think burger king's probably the worst i had i saying, I might be with you there, actually. I had a great Burger King the other day. Great experience. Everyone was nice. They treated me right. People like their fries.

I don't think their fries are particularly good. Roy Rogers has the best fries. Roy Rogers gets saved by... How about this? This is an idea I have for a restaurant, right? It's like Roy Rogers, same setup, but you go in and you're like, can I get a chicken bacon sandwich? And then the cashier will go maybe and it's called coy rogers that's good i have i had one where it's like you go uh you go in and you ask for a sandwich

and the guy at the uh is like, he wins last comic standing, but he's not very funny, and that's called Joe Coy Rogers. Oh. He's from Vegas. He's a better comic than you are. Nah, dude. I'm an alpha. He's a better comic than everybody in this room.

Did he have like... Joe Coy? Yeah. That's your stance? I think he's great. Does he have eyebrows? I don't think he has. Oh, wait, no.

Am I thinking of Joe Coy? Who's the other? Joe Coy lost his eyebrows to Ursula to become a good comic. Oh. That's how it works. She cast a spell to make him the world's best Filipino comic, but he had to lose all his body hair. Damn, dude.

I was thinking of Dat Fan. My mom, he didn't even win. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't know Joe Coy was on Last Comic. No, I was thinking of Dat Fan. mom, he didn't even win. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't know Joe Coy was on Last Comic's thing. No, I was thinking Dat Fan. No, Dat Fan, Dat Fan definitely. Although I don't know if he's going to win. Yeah, Joe Coy is like a Chelsea Handler crew, squad.

Man, that Dat Fan thing where it's like Patrice O'Neal on Tough Crowd where he just bullies him mercilessly. It's so fucking good. Dat Fan. Dat Fan. Yeah. on tough crowd where he just bullies it mercilessly it's so fucking good that fan that fan um yeah uh what was i gonna say oh i was in vegas actually the reason i know joe coys is from vegas my mom's like your hair looks like shit go get a haircut so i went to my mom's hairdresser and she was like oh yeah i cut joe coys hair and i was like he's bald bald. You're clearly lying. I love when people think they met a celebrity

and it's clearly not. I was talking about the Wild Boys one time with this girl in Texas I used to hang out with. And this girl, she was like 24, loved drinking, was a musician or whatever. And she was like, yeah, I was actually

hanging out with the wild boys the other night they're like you know we all went into the jacuzzi together it was like pretty cool and I was like you met fucking Steve-O and Chris Pontius

and she was like nah it was the other ones I was like so you didn't meet the wild boys this bitch just got DP'd by two fucking guys with long hair

who told her that they were the wild boys she saw some guy getting his his dick bitten by a raccoon. He was like, no, I'm a wild boy. And then she sucked him off.

You know what's a good lie? Which I don't endorse this. You shouldn't lie to people. You don't lie ever. That's part of your autism, right? I'm just not good at it. Well, you like tell truths when you shouldn't tell them. I guess. I should rather lie.

I don't know if that means that I'm not a liar so much as it means I'm just fucking rude and I don't know when to censor myself. But yeah, that's when people are like, remember when people used to say brutal honesty? Yeah. You're just rude. Being a dickhead.

You're just a fucking idiot. Just a cunt. Yeah. You make very Boring Cliched Observations about The government

Is actually bad Yeah That's brutal honesty It's brutal It's like a metal guitar Riff going off Yeah That was like a very

MySpace comedy bio Oh yeah Sort of thing Yeah We should We should search Brutal honesty Is there any way To go through bios And see How should We should search Brutal honesty Is there any way

To go through bios And see How many times Brutal honesty comes up Who's the big MySpace comedy guy Dane Cook No

It wasn't Dane Cook It was fucking Steve Hofstadter Was he Dane Cook Yeah No It was Steve Hofstadter

First of all Isn't he a con man You guys weren't on MySpace comedy I was I wasn't doing I've been doing this For the last 12 years I was for the last Gasp of it Yeah No it was Hofstadter. First of all, you guys weren't on MySpace Comedy. I was. I wasn't doing cinema. I was for the last gasp of it. Yeah, no, it was Hofstadter.

You would go to the rankings, and he was number one. You'd be like, who the fuck is Steve Hofstadter? Yeah, he was the guy that gamed it somehow, and he was way up in the rankings. He's like a con man, right? After him, it was Mencia. Mencia was number two. People forget how popular Carlos Mencia was. But Dane Cook did fuck around big time off of MySpace.

No, what made Dane Cook big was his mom died, and he got an insurance, life insurance settlement, and he spent the $40,000 paying a web guy to make him a fully featured website with forums and chat rooms. Yeah, and he built an audience like online so he'd go do a show and he'd be like hey you know sign up for my forum or whatever but he was one of the first comics to have like a big online you know sort of thing which is like it's crazy now that

this is 10 years later and comics still don't understand that that's so much more important than anything else right right no one is going to fucking hand you a career in comedy anymore yeah yeah or go to an open mic and discover you right yeah no that's not going to happen or even what you i mean you should still do open mics and sure sure but like your your goal in doing that should be to meet somebody that's better than you that's going to bring you on the road with them you know just get better yeah because you really i mean you're not i don't i don't think new york really makes you as much you know it helps you grow as much as working the road does i mean comparing the two i think i i learned a lot more about stand-up just by being a road feature yeah you know well then you do like what like 10 sets a weekend you know no not that no you do six

six six or seven at most but you're doing 20 between 20 and 30 minutes yeah so it's a lot of time 30 minute spots yeah you're talking about you know six hours of stage time

yeah that's invaluable yeah yeah oh yeah and you can try and fuck that's why stop shit is popping right now

yeah but I mean the most important thing is like cause comedy stand up comedy the art of comedy like what your goal should be

isn't like writing good i mean obviously try to write good bits right you know but the goal isn't to like have just a good joke here a good joke there the the art like what you should be trying to create is the hour the hour is what makes something but it's like good comedy you know you're gonna release an album it's gonna be an hour long if you ever have any kind of special you should aim for like an hour long special right and the only way to write good hours and have because i really don't think anything under an hour it really feels like you did anything you know like maybe you can be funny but like how do you get a sense of some who a

comic is without the fucking hour that's what that's what creates like the personality you know and the character you might be able to do something in a half hour but That's what creates the personality and the character. You might be able to do something in a half hour, but I know what you're saying. The full effect and the full arc. Well, the half hour is also dampened because it's mostly the feature spot, and the feature is the most forgettable person on the show.

But if you get Conan, that's five minutes. If you get Presents, that's 20 minutes. You get Presents, that's 20 minutes. 22 minutes. 22 minutes. But you have to do a half hour and I think it's edited. Yeah, you can do even more than that. But yeah, they have to edit it. And then they edit it for commercials and shit.

Damn. Getting to an hour, you have to be on TV like a million times. Yeah, to work clubs. But here's what you do. You start a cum podcast. You try to get an audience of like 100,000 people, and then you just book your own fucking tour. Yeah.

You know? 2017, folks. Yeah, we're going to do that tour. We're also going to do the Christmas album sometime this week, before Christmas. Should we do it right after this? No, and it's honestly, it's like you have to use a computer. I've looked into it. There's not going to be any way that we can actually do this. We know and it's honestly it's like you have to use a computer i've looked looked into it

there's there's not going to be any way that we can actually do this we can do it i'm telling you right now we cannot we have some good ones though shit you need to have playback i need playback for the for the background tracks i'm going to need to auto tune it because none of us can sing no it's funnier that way come come come come i have like and it doesn't you know what it's gonna sound like it's gonna sound like people doing a podcast over fucking like an instrumental track

it won't sound right what do you want it to sound like Whitney Houston it's not gonna sound it's gonna sound bad I want it to sound no I want it to at least sound not like you know

disjointed and fucking Jonah could do this for us for free I don't want Jonah to do it I want to do it my fucking self this is

this is Nick is nick in a in a in a nutshell here we're not let's stop examining me i'm sorry and my personality and just trust we have resources at our disposal whatever we don't have to get in an argument jonah's uh jonah was in a famous band he was the rolling stones yep really yeah he was keith richards in the rolling stones jonah was Jonah Richards. Yeah, Jonah Richards. Do you know the Rolling Stones are still making music? Like, who the fuck gives... You're eating all my fucking cookies.

Who cares? Shut the fuck up, dude. I'll give you some of mine. You better. I've been counting, actually. How many have you had? How many? The Rolling Stones.

He literally had... Three Browns. One, two, three. Oh, three Browns? The Browns is a good one. Yeah. He had three browns One Two Three Oh three browns The browns are a good one Yeah He had three browns The best kind

What about that gelt I gave you the other night You gave me three gelts And I gave him to a girl I really did I really gave him gelt The other night Nick and I

What At a socialism party Oh man I'm so jealous I missed that And then I gave him I gave a girl Chocolate money Did you guys fuck any commies dude No of course not What do you mean First of all You wouldn't have Yeah huh dude No you wouldn't Because I'm so jealous I missed that. And then I gave him, I gave a girl chocolate money. Why? Why? Did you guys fuck any commies, dude?

No, of course not. What do you mean? First of all, you wouldn't have. Yeah, huh, dude? No, you wouldn't. Because I'm a fucking alpha. I go in there, they smell my fucking pheromones. No, you look like the fucking-

And immediately they want to fuck. You look like the caricatures of the fat cats. No, I'm a union guy, dude. You look like the guys that- No. I'm a union guy. No, I got a New Yorker cartoon. All you're missing is a Monopoly man hat.

I'm a blue collar boy all you're missing is a monopoly man i'm the blue i'm a blue collar boy dude picket boy i'm a blue collar alpha male and i look i go in there i fucking all the proletariat whores want to suck me off left and right yeah because they feel that i come from there's a there's a bruce springsteen song about stav about how he missed mcdonald's breakfast it's on nebraska yeah well i breakfast this morning, and that's all right. Because there's going to be breakfast tomorrow. Yeah, dude, I'm the boss. Exactly.

I've got type 2 diabetes. I have to wear sweatpants because Levi's doesn't make anything in size 112 waist. Dude, I honestly don't appreciate how you're coming at me right now as an alpha. And I'm going to let you know I'm going to knock you the fuck out if you ever fucking... If my mouth... If your words, my fucking name comes out of your mouth again... If you put my name on your mouth again... I'm going to knock you out, dude.

Don't ever put... If you place my name... Don't you ever put every inch of my name... If you just slide my name into your mouth... If you lovingly caress my name...idding in and outside of your mouth, within the confines of your lips. If my name ever shall pass, do not. Do not. Sir, are you still threatening me?

If you ever insert my name with your soft, supple lips. If you ever suck my name off. Slobbering. If you ever slob on my name. Keep my name out your ass. Why don't you keep your name out my ass? Keep naming my ass. Name my ass something pretty and fucking.

Look at me right now. What's my ass's name? Fuck me in the ass I'm a closeted homosexual the first time I was told that by we know who said that to me keep my name out your mouth Voldemort

I wasn't really sure what he was saying I was pretty confused I was like it is funny I heard you had my name in your mouth that's like the kind of thing that like Martin would say to Tommy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Keep my name out of your mouth, Tommy. Those individuals are from similar... Martin was such a dick to his friends. Where the fuck did Tommy and Cole hang out with Martin? That's true. You just criticize him for being dumb and bald, and it's like, Martin, you're shorter than him. Well, Martin was a successful radio host,

dude. A success, he's like a, like a fucking, no, he was like a public radio shithead. Oh,

I thought he had the juice from his radio show. Wait, Martin was on NPR? No, in the show Martin, he was like a, like a,

he's like a local DJ or some shit. Yeah, but that's big time in a fucking, like in Baltimore. In Detroit. Local,

local DJs. Isn't Martin in Detroit? I don't fucking remember. I feel bad now. I know the establishing shots are probably in New York. In my head, I always saw Martin was in New York, but I wouldn't be surprised if that was wrong. I think it is Detroit.

I think it is Detroit. But he's from DC. But dude, a local radio DJ, they got the juice. Yeah. Porkchop, 92Q. Porkchop fucks in Baltimore. Well, Tommy was a nuclear engineer. That sentence.

Porkchop fucks in Baltimore? I thought Tommy was a drug dealer. Isn't that what everyone says? Because he never had a job. Yeah, they're like, shut up, Tommy. He's a drug dealer or he's a nuclear engineer. I'd like to think highly of Tommy and not just assume that a black man without a visible job is selling drugs. Maybe he has some kind of DOD clearance and he can't talk about it.

That's probably it. He was a very dapper man. You know the style that Tommy wore a lot was like the NBA coach late 90s, which was the T-shirt under the suit. Under the suit and a T-shirt. With a very thin chain. A thin chain. Thin chain.

But the T-shirt was nice. The collar was thicker than a usual T-shirt? With a very thin chain. A thin chain. Thin chain, yeah. But the t-shirt was nice. The collar was thicker than a usual t-shirt. Exactly. That's how I'm trying to be in 2017. 2017. Yeah, yeah. We need to make our style board for 2017. It's true.

I mean, our initial goal for this podcast, we still have not accomplished. Which was matching Adidas tracksuits. That's true. And it's what? New Year's is in a week and a half? Oh, man. They got yellow and red at Macy's now. Oh, true. You know? And it's what? New Year's is in a week and a half? Oh, man. They got yellow and red at Macy's now. Oh, fuck.

I'm fucking with ketchup and mustard. That'd be awesome, dude. You need them engraved, too. Or is that... Or stitched? What's the name? Embroidered. Embroidered.

Yeah. Engraved. Yeah. You guys, you can't... You can't... We can't get them embroidered until you come up with a local name for your union. Because you got to have that on the back there. 6969.

Sure. 420. We could get beat up, though, for being fake. For stealing union valor. I want you to say Capo on it. Like a Jewish thing. Yeah, I'm in the mafia now. I wanted to say Capo.

Don is Capo what? Capo something what's bought don is capo what capo something capo regime capo regime is is uh i think the don yeah and capo is a general right a capo is a captain capo regime is the capo regime is the top one that's the boss dude no that's the don it's don capo regime no yeah capo regime capo regime and then no no no i i i was looking at this the other No, that's the Don. It's Don, Caporegime. No. Yeah, Caporegime is the full... No, no, no, no. I was looking at this the other time. All right, we don't care anymore, so... No, Consigliere is not on the tree. It's the side, because he has a direct line to the bush.

Yeah, it's Caporegime. Anyway, I'm going to be Capo, first of all. I can't wait to be in the mafia, dude. I'm going to change my shit up. Yo, you got... I mean, you don't need to be capo. First of all. I can't wait to be in the mafia, dude. I'm going to change my shit up. Yo, you don't need to change much up. Just kill someone, I think. Killing people and stuff. It seems tough.

Murdering someone seems like a hard bridge to cross. I was reading about The Sopranos the other day. David Chase found out how much the head of a crime family in North Jersey makes and wanted Tony's character to make that much. And like, so that's how he wrote the show. He didn't make that much money. I think he made like one and a half million, two million dollars a year.

No, he made way more than that. That's what he said. Really? Yeah, yeah. And he wanted- I'm surprised it's that much money. From like what? So many people had to die.

Stealing garbage truck contracts? I thought you were about to say that he makes like $150,000 a no no no he had that house in north caldwell it's a nice house he was buying yeah but you can have a mortgage on that that's why there's no mortgage that's a cash deal i'll be quiche quiche um no no i i think they said it was like two and a half million dollars okay that's not that much. But for a boss. Yeah, yeah. And also for like a fucking body count of maybe 150, 200 people a year.

It's also funny how- For one guy to make that much money? It's such a waste of time. It's also, I love how they'll just kill people in broad daylight and it's just like, just walk away. Yeah. That's how you deal with that? That's fucking insane.

I was talking with my friend about it but like what it comes down to I think with these with the mafia guys is like I think that they do all these crimes and they they kill people and they like run all these rackets

because most of their day isn't spent doing crimes most of their day is hanging out in the back of a strip club or a porn store it's a fun time it's just to have a clubhouse with your friends

absolutely if you have to kill you have to kill so they can be frat boys. So it's like a podcast. Yeah, it's like a podcast. It's basically a podcast. Yeah, yeah.

The Mafia's... We're basically in the Mafia. That's what we are. I'm like sitting here next to those merchandise. Am I shitty? Fell off the back of a truck. Trash everywhere. Some expensive merchandise.

We really do live like mobsters, boys. Yeah, kind of. I mean, I got a fucking Vitamix. I bought a couple. I got a giant TV. I was questioned by the FBI last year. Everybody's trying to fuck with me on social media. Also, a lot of people are asking on Twitter this week about me not getting paid by the show.

It's true. I don't get paid by the show. I'm just glad I can be here. Nick's saying that potentially we could re-examine 2017. Are you going to say that on the show that we could re-examine

my status? Well, you got free agent status this year. What do you mean free agent? If another podcast wants to scoop you up.

They want to sign you. Yeah. We might have to sign a person. No, no. Prior to this, you were under contract. I got under contract

for $0. He gave you for $0. He gave you a $0 contract in a four-year deal. But, you know. You said there was a bonus for laughs, but I haven't hit the bonus. You haven't had one joke go over yet in all the episodes. The entire time. Yeah. I haven't said one good joke.

You haven't said one joke that went over. All right. When I said free agent, I meant free as in we don't pay any money. Oh, okay. Yeah. Agent is also just another word for jew i don't know it's just a synonym maybe i get picked up manager or fucking uh accountant exactly right yeah well you know i'm not a very good jew if i'm not making any money

that's right you're absolutely you're back i'm the worst guy that's absolutely correct you know better than tangle with a good jew they would outdo us they would out negotiate us dude a good jew would be getting all the money while we're over here like that so that'd be great if we wrote a sketch and then we go into adam's apartment in the sketch and it's just filled with menorahs just to the brim oh what's up guys the closet's yarmulkes it's just nothing but fucking yarmulkes come out Yeah And Greek

Like Stav's house is just a bathroom Just a big bathtub Filled with little boys It's a bathtub with 35 boys in it Oh hell yeah dude As long as they feed me grapes dude Yeah Well Greek's colors are the bathroom colors

Blue and white Blue and white They love the bathroom Yeah Oh yeah dude Is that bathroom colors? Blue and white. Blue and white. They love the bathroom. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. Is that bathroom colors? Blue and white? Yeah, it is.

Look at the koala care station. Yeah, it's just like the Greek flag, basically. Koala, also a Greek animal. Mm-hmm. It's true. Not Australia. That's right. What's Australia?

No, I said koalas are not Australia. The Greeks brought them there. What's Australia? Okay. Okay. So, there Australia? Okay. So there's, okay, south of East Asia, there's like this island, right? But it's so fucking big that it's a continent. This dude thinks he's so smart.

Okay. You've heard of Australia. Now you're going to fucking talk down to us? Yeah. Tell us about. Asia? You're saying shit like Southeast? Yeah.

We didn't ask you about directions. I'm just saying, imagine an island that's so big that it's a fucking continent imagine Adam that's every continent no no no that's every continent every continent is an island imagine Adam meeting someone that legitimately didn't know Australia and how excited

he would be to tell them that he knows about Australia well first of all I would adjust my glasses you'd be standing at that bus stop for four and a half days and be like, yeah, no, it's got a pouch. No, it's actually...

You throw it, it comes right back. The baby comes out and crawls its way into the pouch. Okay, so England, at a certain point, took all of their whores and criminals, right? And then they sent them down to this island.

Sounds like my kind of place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, they got whores and criminals, right? And then they sent them down to this island. Sounds like my kind of place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, they got whores over there? Yeah, yeah. It was like a... That's why the Dundalk accent is so similar to an Australian accent. It's true. It's true.

Because they are the descendants... Down under. It used to be Dundalk under. Down under. Dundalk down under. There you go. Dundalk under, yeah. Dundalk was actually founded by a group of freed slaves.

How weird would it be if there was just, for some reason, for some reason, indigenous marsupials in Dundalk, but they just also had kangaroos and shit for some reason. You're like, yeah, I like them, because they look like me. They're very bottom heavy, from all the fried chicken. You know, they eat like me. They're very bottom heavy. From all the fried chicken. You know, they eat nothing but chicken boxes, so they got a, they're very bottom. They got your pouch. I got a pouch.

It's the front of my fucking JNCO cutoff shorts. I got a big pocket. Oh my God, yo. Yo, I love this shit, yo. Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah, Outback Steakhouse. I've been seeing New York girls wearing JNCOs recently. oh my god yo you want a lot of shit yo yeah that's the thing yeah outback steakhouse i've been seeing new york girls wearing jinkos recently oh really yeah they're like kind of coming back ironically i'm stoked for the jinko shorts where it's like it could be pants but then it just comes

up right above the ankle i was never a that's what makes it i was told those are called boyfriend style jeans boy boyfriends yeah way to boyfriend in corn way way to not have your uh your pants That's what makes it. I was told those are called boyfriend-style jeans. Really? Boyfriends? Yeah. Because your boyfriend's in corn? Way to not have your pants past the Bechdel desk, you fucking bitch. You idiot. You fucking idiot. How dare those motherfuckers, dude.

Yeah, you should be ashamed of yourself wearing boyfriend pants. Why don't you wear proud media job female pants? Absolutely. Woman who pays her own fucking rent by blogging pants. That's a woman I could respect. You know what's always really funny to me is when a girl calls her boyfriend her partner. I love that. He has to just sit there like he thinks he's-

Well, we're from Texas. It's cool. This is my life, partner. I'm not gay. we're cowboys i always like to imagine that when i saw my gay people are like yeah this is my life partner i'm like oh you're from texas you guys are both from texas with each other i saw my you remember being gay oh me and my friend here Are going to be from Texas

All night tonight If y'all want to leave us alone These two Texan fellers Came over They redecorated They were wearing All silver and turquoise jewelry Man I put on

I don't know how They do it in Texas I put on Breakfast at Tiffany's The other night Oh yes Holy shit Mickey Rooney I can't

I would love to re-watch that Dude Mickey Rooney Oh Please Go right mickey there's videos of him going over to like entertain the troops in world war ii and he would just do that he would just go over hell yeah to entertain the troops in world war ii and act like a bumbling fucking chinaman japanese guy yeah yeah yeah yeah he had to change it for the troops yeah to make him it was a really subtle change he had to work really had to change it For the troops Yeah It was a really subtle change He had to work really hard To change it from Chinese

To Japanese Man You used to have Be able to have Such a killer career Beloved entertainer Did you see No problem

Fucking There was this interview You know who's worse than him Andy Rooney Anybody The guy from 60 Minutes Yeah That's his brother

No no Also a racist Irish piece of shit Oh yeah He's a racist Rooney. Wait, the guy from 60 Minutes? Yeah. That's his brother? No, no, no. The other brother. Also a racist Irish piece of shit. Oh, yeah. He's a racist. The fact that Andy Rooney had a career and all he did was, you know, be like, I go to the bodega and I buy a cookie and it comes wrapped and I don't understand that. I don't want to unwrap the cookie.

I want to eat it. Why is it coming in a wrapper? And people are like, this is hilarious. Wait, people thought it was funny? Is that why he had a humorous piece? He was a humorous. People would sit there and fucking laugh at that. Wow.

Yeah. That is worse than racism. The alphabet has too many letters. Yeah, just complaining. You know who I think was really bad? Literally grind my gears. The family guy thing. Yeah, it's grind my gears.

Yeah. You know who I think was really bad? Literally grind my gears. The family guy thing. Yeah, it's grind my gears. Yeah. You know who I think was really bad? Jerry Lewis. Yeah. Everyone's like, yeah, he was a fucking lady. He would act like a retarded person. Yeah, he was just a Vine star before Vine. So he would come out on stage and fucking, you know, Dean Martin would stand there and

smile and then Jerry Lewis would like cross his eyes and pretend like he was shitting his pants. And everyone would be like, he's the goofy one and Dean's the guy that's not funny at all. So he's funny in comparison because he's acting like a fucking mongoloid. Yeah, he got a career off of funny faces.

Yeah, that's why he had to care about kids. He had to pretend to give a shit about kids in the end because he was just making fun of people with disabilities. You know about that Holocaust movie he did? Yeah, he released some of the footage. He said he never would and he did. It's going to come out. It's because he sold it He released some of the footage. He said he never would, and he did. It's going to come out. Hell yeah.

It's because he sold it to the Library of Congress, was it? Yeah. Well, here's the thing. It probably isn't even worth watching. Oh, apparently it's a disaster. I know. I know it was a disaster and he didn't want to release it, but every movie Seagal has made past 1996 has been a fucking disaster.

Of course. And those are barely watchable, even though I'm going in expecting them to be fucking shitty. Horrendous. I don't think this movie is going to have any kind of value to it whatsoever in terms of watching it and getting something out of it. I tried to watch one of those Crispin Glover movies where it's all just people with mental disabilities, and it's unbearable.

You can't watch it. There's no point to it. Dude, Jerry Lewis Lewis There was an interview This week with him The Hollywood Reporter And he was just being A fucking prick Yeah

To the interviewer And everyone's like Wow isn't it so cool He hates interviews And it's like No he's The funny face guy Right right right

Being mean Well also apparently He stole that from somebody Like there was some guy He stole it from a Bill Belichick He stole it from retarded people No there was some guy from a retarded person. He stole it from retarded people. No, there was some guy

who was like, Thing was being that character, that like, Oh yeah, that guy? Yeah, yeah. And he just, I don't remember his name, but yeah, he just stole,

he stole his essence. The only thing I fuck with, Jerry Lewis thing I fuck with is King of Comedy. King of Comedy is so good. And he's good in it too. Yeah, because he's playing a fucking prick.

Right. And he gets to be real. And he's a prick. De Niro is so funny in it too. De Niro is, playing a fucking prick. Right. And he gets to be real. And he's a prick. De Niro's so funny, too. De Niro is... Well, apparently when they were making that movie, because both De Niro and Scorsese embraced method acting, they would fucking call Jerry Lewis a kike through his face on set. Because they were like, he's not getting angry enough in this movie.

Yeah, so they were like, yeah, we're just going to keep calling him a kike and say all this anti-Semitic shit to him and make him angry. Holy shit. He also had a different name, the character.

Which is so great because it's probably like he was just sucking and then they said all that and they were like, oh, it's to do a method act. Yeah.

Someone overheard that. That's why we were saying that to him is because of, you know, the fucking Meisner method. They couldn't work. They're not racist Italians. It's because this Strasburg guy, fucking Lee, whatever.

They couldn't work together until Goodfellas. They took 15 years apart. They fucking De Niro and Scorsese. After that? It was like so taxing. Lee Strasberg, have you ever seen him act? No.

Is he bad? Yeah, not a particularly good actor. He just came up with a good idea? He's in the background and he plays a minor role in, is it Strasberg?

Strasberg is a big method guy. The method guy, yeah. I think it's him because there's a couple of them. There's Meisner, Strasburg? Strasburg is a big Method guy. The Method guy. Yeah, yeah. I think it's him because there's a couple of them. There's Meisner, Strasburg and then there's like one other they'd be like the big you know acting coaches

but yeah I think it was Strasburg plays like an old Del Close. Yeah, an old uncle or something in Justice for All which is a pretty good movie. Yeah, a good movie. Yeah.

Which by the way is directed by norman jewison who i found out is not jewish what not jewish yeah of course i looked that up norman jewison yeah i mean i just assumed he was jewish because he's a director right yeah you know in hollywood right no he's not Jewish Adam Goldberg Hebrew Hammer yeah not Jewish what shut up not Jewish

alright swear to god no you're trolling I swear to god he's like half Jewish he's like his dad's Jewish but he like does not consider himself

to be Jewish at all come on that face is Jewish dude I don't know yeah his last name's Goldberg his last name's Goldberg he does that shit yeah but he's not Jewish on a technicality

it's not a guy named Norman Jewison. No, yeah, yeah. He's Norwegian. What is he? Oh, okay, all right. Does he look Jewish? I've never seen him. He's like an old man.

I always confuse him and Barry Levinson. Barry Levinson is Jewish. Yeah. Baltimore. Yeah. Justice for All is also shot in Baltimore. Oh, really? I haven't seen that one.

It's pretty good. It's Al Pacino as a defense attorney. Oh, I've seen that. No, no, no. That is good. He's trying to get his trans client off, and then she kills herself in prison. Right. You're out of order.

You're out of order. The whole damn system's out of order. I agree. Then he fucks that. All those movies from the 70s, the love interest is like, I'm a business woman. I've got shoulder pads in size negative. I've got triple A breasts and shoulder pads and I'm taller than Al Pacino.

One of those professional style. She smokes cigarettes and she's divorced. Being divorced meant that she was ruined forever. Right. And I have raccoon style makeup on. Yeah. Are you being sexy? The queen of all of them, obviously.

Glenn. Glenn. Glenn in Fatal Attraction. Yeah. She looked like she was dragged through a bush. It's crazy. Yeah. You know what calms those businesswomen down is some good dick

the moral of the story is just a man dicking them down yeah i was an executive your old roommate had that businesswoman vibe who yeah yeah yeah yeah she's she's gonna be one of those businesswomen she is she is she told me how much she's making for her first year at the law firm and i started laughing like not as a bit like just laughing in her face yeah yeah she was like yeah so they raised uh opening salary to uh 30 and i was like so how much you're making and i legitimately expect her to be like 65 000 she's making like 12 000 190 000 cousin. I had lunch with my cousin. I had lunch with my cousin.

He works in advertising. I had lunch with him. He's a year younger than me. He works in advertising. I had lunch with him. And I was like, yeah, my podcast is making decent money now. And he's like, congrats, dude. That's fucking awesome.

That's fucking the rules, dude. And I was like, yeah, you started a new job, right? He's like, yeah, it's pretty good. It's like a smaller company. I'm like, but it's like a significant raise right he's like yeah I'm making pretty good money it's like just shy of 200,000 a year and I was like holy shit you know it's so much money and I just feel like a piece of shit you know and fucking uh but I like I see my aunt occasionally you know we'll have like lunch and stuff and she's like always bitching about him

like borrowing money from her. Really? Yeah, he still hits her up. He's like, can I get like 200 bucks? Wow. Yeah, I don't know. How's that even possible? He's probably just being spoiled.

He makes $200,000 a year. He's a millionaire. He just still takes money from his mom. He's used to getting presents from his mom, dude. Yeah. We were never presents household. No, I would get toys to bribe me. Like if I had Yeah. We were never presents household. Oh, no. I would get toys to bribe me, like if I had to get a shot or some shit, and I was good.

And he had to get a lot of shots, too. I started getting- If you look at him, he's filled with shots. Actually, I weigh 105 pounds, but this is a shot. It's all like- It's all swelling from shots. This is all testosterone, because I am an alpha. Actually, it's estrogen, because I have too much testosterone in my system.

I'd be too alpha. I'd fuck everything up. I've got these breasts from having too much testosterone. That's why I have them. You can make fun of my bitch tits, but it's actually from being strong. It's from being strong. My genitals have shrunk like a raisin.

They basically shriveled up. I've got what looks like a fucking chewed-on swizzle stick. It's from having more testosterone. Where my dick used to be, and it's from being strong. It's from, you know, deadlifts. It's from being extremely strong. It's from deadlifts. I deadlifted my way into a fuckless dick,

into an inoperable, fuckless little pigtail dick. I'm going to get my fucking dick... Do you see those guys that inject silicone in their dick? They just have the biggest, goofiest dicks of all time. That's the fucking funniest shit in the world. Wait, you can't my fucking dick. Do you see those guys that like inject silicone in there? Just oh yeah Yeah, it's the fucking fun. It doesn't use your doing your dick looks like ruin you with those dicks look like It looks like those things they used to sell it like the Discovery Channel store. It's like a little water It's like water to you Looks like put your finger in the middle. Yeah, the dick looks like like, fluffs up. It looks like... And you put your finger in the middle of it.

Yeah, their dick looks like somebody took a Grand's Roll and slammed it against a kitchen counter. What's the kink where you like things going in your pee hole? Sounding. Sounding. That's what sound off means in the comments. Sounding off is when you keep shoving things in your dick hole. Everyone's sound off.

Yeah. Oh, fuck. I gotta pee. I gotta take a shit, but we're out of time for this episode. Oh, great. Yeah, we're already out. Well, okay, sorry, guys. Our show is on Monday,

the 26th, if you're in New York, come hang out. We got a really good lineup so far. It's just, it's the stars really are gonna be shining bright on Monday night.

The 26th, come on everybody. Will Wardell will be there. Brandon Wardell, our best friend, will be there. It's going to be a great show. Come out to that shit, bitch. Also, watch for me on Red Eye, January 5th or something.

They tape it on the 5th. I don't know when it'll be on. Say your DVR. Don't. Actually, don't. I'm not proud of any of my appearances on that show. I'm kind of Like now even more nervous

About associating with Fox News Yeah yeah yeah Especially you know going on with Gavin and those kind of guys But we had fun on Ant's show I think Oh yeah I got We talked about the porn star My wife to be

For better or worse Hey you know what MSNBC won't put me on TV So Fox News it is Well Saab is doing Maddow actually next week Yeah Put me on Rachel Maddow She's gonna talk to her about it

She's gonna be like So Rachel you fucked recently Yeah Yo give me some Pussy eating tips Rach Yeah I know you got them Secret dyke eating

Pussy eating tips I'm trying to figure those out Yo How you do that Shits with your tongue, yo. Get your tongue going in between all your teeth and shit

and tickle their fucking pussies. And we're out of time. All right. All right. Thanks, guys. Bye, bros.