The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 35 – Cum Town Fires Back

Episode Date: January 12, 2017

We go in hard on Compound Media for kicking us out of the Anthony Cumia studios. Adam will personally fight any of the Staten Island salami-mongoloids that pay their bills

Listen up, let me tell you a story. Toronto critics are losing their heads over Six the musical. The Globe and Mail raves, Six reigns supreme and is eye-poppingly fun. CTV proclaims Six is a Royal Ten. Six is so fun, so smart and so, so funny. I absolutely will be going again, says CBC Radio. Join the Six Wives of Henry VIII at the royal alexandra theater now on stage book at mervish.com and we're back uh back from break

the break between episodes like yeah i was confused yeah i was i did that to confuse you damn i'm fucking flustered so you're listening to uh come town no longer in the anthony cumia studios you've been kicked out we're now broadcasting live from the black lives matter studios yeah the top of the the black pyre state building yeah i'm we've changed all of our last names to Africa. Yeah. I'm Bombada. Stavros Bombada. My name is...

My name is... I was going to do Nick X because, you know, Mullen's my slave name. Right, yeah. But I decided that Nick is also my slave name, so now I'm XX.

Oh, tight. Now I'm Dos Equis. You're the most interesting man. Yeah, they got a new Dos Equis guy. He sucks, dude. The old guy was much better who's the new guy

he's having you ugly fucking ugly version there better not be another old ass white man that's what I'm tired of it's yeah dude I'm as a as a

POC I'm a Mediterranean American the jury's yeah you are one of the lower European I'm trying to get the Nazis back on board you know

you're not like a Romany gypsy but the Greeks are like a couple rungs above that. Yeah, we fucked the Nazis up actually in the fucking World War II. No, you didn't. What'd you do? We fucked both Italy and... They slipped on Feta.

The only people that actually beat the Nazis were the Russians. Everyone else thinks they did. No, we held the Russians shit off by throwing 20 million bodies at them. No, you guys can suck my dick. The Russians beat the Nazis. No one else helped or did anything. We helped, bitch.

Suck me off. D-Day was... Nah, not really. Nah, we held off both Italy and the Nazis. That's getting France back. Italy couldn't fuck our ass, and Germany had to come in. They had to do a two-front war on Greece where we were throwing rocks and shit at them. We fucked them up with superior big dickery.

That's how we did it. There you go, baby. Also, fuck both you pieces of shit because I was right about means and averages. Shouts out to the listeners.

Oh, yo. Shout out to my friend, Hadass, who played that part of Comptown for her middle school

math class that got us all laughed at by a group of affluent Brooklyn middle school math class. And then got us all laughed at. By a group of affluent Brooklyn middle schoolers. Why you need to learn this. First of all, fuck a child. I wasn't really even listening when you guys were on. Shut up.

I was right. You were both wrong. You don't need to know the difference between means and actions. Look at this pivot, dude. Look at this fucking pivot. I'm right. I'm right in this instance. I'm right about everything.

Fuck off. No, when it comes to social sciences, like what things you need to know or what's going to happen to four teenagers who commit a hate crime, I'm usually right. And I'm fucking right in that instance and I'm right in this one. First of all, why do they have two words for a thing? You don't need two words for a thing. Things have one name. Who cares?

The point is I'm writing. We can move on now, boys. That's fine. Well, what were we talking about anyways? What was the under... Oh, income. I don't fucking remember. Who cares?

It doesn't matter. Who cares? But yes, the Greeks held off the Nazis. I'm a mathematician, and you're both... Really, it was the Jews who held off the Nazis. I'm right about that. I'm a mathematician, and you're both. Really, it was the Jews who held off the Nazis. Yeah. They were a little preoccupied. Oh, the Russians threw a bunch of people at the Nazis, but you should see what the fucking

Jews did. Now, that is a war of attrition right there. Listen, we played the long game. It's like, how much different, if there was a Jewish army, how much different would their participation be than what actually happened? That they just can't hold the guns and they're dropping them? Three years later, there was a Jewish army that did some things. Well, they killed Arabs.

Yeah, but Arabs are they're not like the Germans. You know how easily Arabs died? You're just basing this on video games. Arabs die so easily. I love how, by the way, the sinister ass Arab music on Battlefield is like,

Yeah, anytime that Arab music is playing, you know something bad is about to happen. Well, I think the way the Jews beat a snake that comes out of a basket. Right, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. I think that's true, probably. PolitiFact says that's true. What was the, like, rhyme for that?

Wasn't there, like, a childhood rhyme? Yeah, something where there's a place. Yeah, yeah then there's a place yeah yeah and then the dick goes in something yeah yeah exactly yeah yeah wait is that talking about ass i don't know there's always a song there's always a song about killing your teacher right yeah it's always something like that also the jingle bells batman we never hit on that on the holidays jingle bells batman version i think Paddy Moe had a big, did big numbers

on a tweet about that. Yeah. Do you think DC Comics was the originator of that rhyme? Yeah. That that was a viral

marketing campaign? It's like, it was like icing people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like an old Jewish ad man like in a, in a, in a office

filled with papers. We're going to do a song. It's going to be a song about Batman. But look, it's going to make Batman seem bad. That's how you get people to sing it. Look, this is part of a long 50-year campaign that we're Jewishly calling the War on Christmas. And it starts with Batman. That's where it all came from, ladies and gentlemen.

That was the first viral marketing. Do you think, can you believe that, like, the fact that people thought Smirnoff Ice wasn't behind icing people is hilarious. Yeah, that's so stupid. And every fucking bro was doing it, like, Oh, dude, it's so gay to drink Smirnoff Ice. It's like, now you gotta ch good to drink smearing off ice it's like now you got to chug this drink this free drink that shit was fucking dumb as hell dude were they were behind it

absolutely i never thought you never thought i never like smearing off ice thought too hard about it no yeah i think blake midget is still like icing me i saw something like it's hilarious on like instagram or something pictures of something like that. It's hilarious. On like Instagram or something. Pictures of him like drinking, smearing off ice. But Blake's the kind of guy that would just drink,

smearing off ice. Yeah, yeah. Blake could drink anything. I don't give a fuck. Yeah. That's what I love when people talk about how like, oh, like, oh, I'm, you know,

I was an alcoholic and I just, I couldn't get enough Belvedere. Right, right, right. It's like, no, real alcoholics just drink. Yeah. Like battery ass. Cooking wine.

Yeah, right. It doesn't fucking matter. Yeah. Fucking eat. Fuck, boy. I'm feeling sick, dude. I did the Creek in the Cave high show, the high five show,

where you just get stoned as hell, and I split like, there was like 12 blunts going around this room with just people I don't know. Yeah. And I know I got some kind of weird fucking horrible disease. What if you got AIDS from sharing blunts? That's happened.

That can happen, dude. That's how Big L died. He was working a very large joint. No, actually, I think Big L had AIDS, but he died from being murdered. Big L got God. He didn't have AIDS. No, he got God, but he also had AIDS at the time.

No, he did not have AIDS. We can look this up. We will look this up. A lot more people than you think had AIDS. Big L did not have AIDS. He was a goon, and he got God in the streets. Easy E had AIDS. Walt Disney had AIDS.

Walt Disney definitely had AIDS. Walt Disney had AIDS. Franklin Delano Roosevelt had AIDS. Yeah, just on the lower half of his body. Yeah, he stopped it. Well, he fucked so much. Franklin Delano Roosevelt Had AIDS Yeah just on the lower Half of his body Yeah He stopped it Well he fucked so much Back then

Back then you could Isolate AIDS Yeah Dude you know FDR ate pussy Like a champion dude Cause his dick didn't work His whole lower body

Didn't work No he just couldn't walk I don't think polio Affects your dick I bet you it does Well I know paraplegics Can still use their dick It's two different systems

But they don't get They don't get... Their dick doesn't feel good. No, they cum and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They cum, but as a machine response. They got whores together. Yeah, Lieutenant Dan was doing that to show that he wasn't inadequate.

He didn't feel good. How do you know? Dude, I read the subtext. You know who my hero is? I read the subtext of Forrest Gump. I love... My favorite person in all of cinema is the principal from Forrest Gump. Oh, yeah. It's like, well, we might have a spot for your retarded son, but it's going to cost you.

The one that Sally Field sucks off? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, Sally Field is a fucking tramp, dude. She's just sucking him off. Her retarded son. She should have just put him in the fields. And then she fucking lies about, why does he go to war? He's retarded.

Let the man stay and he travels at home. Because he's not actually retarded. That's why Tropic Thunder is such a great movie. They explain it perfectly. Because he's half retard? Because he's not full retard. Yeah. Like, far as gum, kind of slow, but not retard. No, he was retarded, dude. not retail he was retarded dude i think he

was yeah i think he was like my my cousin he owns a business doesn't he go to the olympics in that movie that movie look forrest gump sucks dick dude yeah ping pong oh table tennis which is a retarded sport um no it's not it's just one that the chinese are good at the retarded sports are like power walking, synchronized clapping, opening a fortune cookie. Opening a fortune cookie and being able to read it? That's sticking the landing? Maybe unfastening a seatbelt. Yeah, flipping your eyelids inside out. The power lifting. Don't let him keep going. He's on a roll. yeah flipping your eyelids inside out the power lift

he's on a roll pulling your pants all the way down at the urinal yes that's how they put the metals on them you know stand at the urinal somehow it's a perfect 10 every time they do that uh oh fuck yeah no that is so great that he just fucks for a retarded. Eating free samples at the mall? Yeah. Well, that's a crossover of fat and retarded. Yeah.

Well, a lot of them, they share. Well, the powerlifting at the Special Olympics has to be world class. It has to be. It's really not. It's four times the regular powerlifting. Why don't they just let it be the regular lifting? They have diminished strength That's not a real thing that they have extra strength

Our strength? Yeah Really? I disagree They just have You know what I think it is Based on the ten of them that have beaten me up They have a limited pain response Everything's diminished

So it's not that they're stronger It's that they just don't feel pain like you do. Oh, it's like being on meth or angel. I just remember this kid in middle school when we were doing the presidential fitness challenge doing like a hundred pull-ups. And I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. And then in the locker room, we used to make him pull down his pants and show us this giant monster. So you molested a retarded kid? We didn't molest him. We were just like with your eyes. No, just mol with your eyes robert should anybody touch his dick and no one touched it no way even if he thought

it was cool that we we all laughed i mean we all laughed that is so the precursor to molestation you understand there was no molestation and i was not part of it i was now wait 30 seconds ago we used to get him to show us no i used to obviously always tattle to the to mr prior our british gym teacher who we found out uh throughout the year had testicular cancer and we made so many ball jokes to this poor gentleman is he dead i don't know i think he's alive testicular cancer is pretty treatable right You just get your Yeah Not if you're British Because most British

They're proud Yeah They only have one ball anyways Yeah It's very small Yeah Testicular cancer That's part of

That's part of like Their circumcision process They have the other ball removed And the other one shrunk with tea Yeah It makes sense Testicular cancer For the British They're very proud So it's like It's like a British naval captain Goingunk with tea. Yeah, it makes sense. Testicular cancer for the British,

they're very proud, so it's like a British naval captain going down with his ship. Yeah. Yeah. If my bollocks are inflamed, I'm going to die from it. I will not elect for surgery.

This is my one bollock I've been given. They insist on dying from testicular cancer. They insist. The number two disease in Britain is, of course, bad posture. Yeah. And gingivitis, number three. Yeah. Gingivitis.

Scoliosis is basically its terminal over there. You just loop over until you're sucking your own dick. If you can't stand up straight, you know, they put you to death. Oh, so that's an execution type situation.

Sort of. Yeah. And if you stand up really straight, is that how you get to be the guy who guards the queen with those hats? Yeah.

The Marge Simpson hats? The Marge Simpson hats. Yeah, yeah. I always thought that. Is that a real... Can you really... Because in every, like... In so many pieces of media, it's like, oh, they can't move at all.

They can't do anything. Like... I'm sure so many people get arrested thinking that. Oh, yeah. Of course. For sure. Yeah. Like, you couldn't, like, suck their dicks.

In The Simpsons, Homer is like... They go to England, and Homer is, like, fucking with one of them, and he just gets punched in the face. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, fuck. What do they do? They guard Buckingham Palace?

Yeah, Buckingham Palace. What a trash name for a palace. Yeah. Let's go Buckingham. Yeah. Buckingham Palace. Welcome to Swashbucket Palace. Dude.

Put the queen. When's that bitch going to die, though? When's that queen? Let's talk geopolitical. They always have more queens dude who's the next queen charles charles he has to he has to be trans king king regnant is that what it is i'm not calling him king i'm calling him queen queen charlie there's always a queen baby yeah i've always been team chuck uh he got cucked by that by that tramp diana with some like

muslim guy right i was and then they killed them in that tunnel we don't know what happened in that He got cucked by that tramp, Diana. With some Muslim guy, right? And then they killed him in that tunnel. We don't know what happened in that tunnel. Dodi Al-Fayed? Dodi Al-Fayed, is that his name? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good pull. Yeah, well, I'm a huge Princess Diana expert, actually.

I had the Princess Diana beanie baby, the purple one. Which came out the day before she died, by the way. Yeah, that's really interesting. That is true. Whoa. They knew. I think that T.Y., the Beanie Baby company, was behind it to go to sales. They were going downhill.

That seems like the plot of one of the shittier later Pierce Brosnan James Bonds. Would you see Tomorrow Never Dies? That might be the worst James Bond movie yeah it's pretty bad the only good news

Mr. Bond is bad news I don't think I've seen Tomorrow Never Dies well basically the plot of Tomorrow Never Dies is James Bond has to stop

Gawker essentially that's who the bad guy in that movie is just Nick Denton he's like a weird gay British guy that just loves

bad news and so he's like a weird gay british guy that just loves bad news and so he's like starting some war with wait who played that guy uh malcolm mcdowell no not malcolm mcdowell um andy daily uh andy dick and i can't remember that actor's name now fuck whatever it doesn't matter it doesn't matter andy circus hekis. He was a gorilla. I knocked you off course. He was a CGI gorilla. First of all, fuck Andy Serkis. What are you talking about? He's the best actor in Hollywood.

That shit sucks dick, dude. Anyone can do that shit. Oh, the fucking walk around on all fours and look sad. Jonathan Pryce. Jonathan Pryce. Yeah. How do you feel about Andy Serkis? He sucks dick, right?

I think he's the best actor in Hollywood. They put small little bubbles. That shit sucks my dick, dude. They put the small motion bubbles on his face so they get all his facial acting that shit is like playstation level facial acting i don't know dude i think that i could do that so easily oh i'm sad dude golem sad there you go dude that's a hundred million dollars did you see the apes the apes He just scowled. He's a fucking monkey. That shit is not hard to do. Back on Anthony Cuddy.

Yeah, yeah. It was bad. The best actor is the guy inside R2-D2. Yeah, that is way more impressive than jumping around in a fucking scuba suit. Why? Because he was really sweaty in there? And frowning. Yes, because it's hot. That's harder.

That's way harder than fucking just being What was he doing Inside R2D2 Is R2D2 in the new Star Wars movie No No but they have a Fucking They have a droid

Like C-3PO Yeah He's just like jacked He's an autistic C-3PO Wait wait There's a jacked C-3PO Yeah he's just a big ass Fucking black

Black C-3PO But he talks the same way Yeah yeah No he's not So he's like the guy That plays elmo no c3po it's like a big black guy that just has some weird gay voice no no no this guy wasn't like a gay british guy he was just more of like an emotionless no he was a gay british guy was he yeah he talked exactly like c3po c3po talked like someone was always pulling his pants up. He turned it down a little. Yeah, he's...

Not right now. C-3PO just talks like he's just like, you're 30 seconds too quick into gay sex. He's just like... I didn't know they had a black C-3PO. That's so funny. I mean, he just... He doesn't talk black at all.

He just colors black. That would have been cool if he talked black. That Gamergate shit is fucking real. I'm back into gaming now, and literally every game it's like, yeah, you play a gay, trans, black woman.

That's not true. Yeah, no, it is true. FIFA's like that. I haven't played this FIFA? FIFA, you have to play an interracial who's an abusive white father

has left, has abandoned him. So now he has to be raised by his black mom. But that is every poor British That's probably like a lot of British soccer players. Sure, sure, sure. So now he has to be raised by his black mom. But that is every poor British soccer player. Sure, sure, sure. Every poor British person.

In Battlefield 1, all you play is a black guy. It's like World War I, which is fair. And that's when the army was still segregated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they have it as, which, you know, I don't give a shit. Do they whitewash the segregation in World War I? No. There's just no white people you can find.

What was the first war that was desegregated vietnam no world war ii uh no world war ii was still segregated that's when it happened in the i thought it happened like in the middle of world war or after no i think it was vietnam i think everyone was good it would have been korea because it was it definitely happened after world war ii everyone was blazing up at vietnam in vietnam and they're like you know you're black i'm white, we're not so different. Yeah, it was the unifying war. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everyone fucked whores together. This shit sucks, dude. Well, there were- We're all getting sucky, sucky. I think we're all getting the sucky, sucky long time, we love you long time. There were like- Operation sucky, sucky, fucky, fucky. There were integrated regiments and shit.

Because I know Pershing, didn't he have, didn't like Pershing control like black regiments or something while he was, prior to him being a general? Yeah, I think so. I think World War II is when it started. No, no. That would be, that would be like, like the Spanish-American War. Oh, Spanish-American War. That goes, yeah, way, like Pershing, like, like around like the turn of the century.

Well, I'm sure, yeah, obviously they always used fucking black people to fight. They just, whenever they could, they would use black people to do uncool shit. That's what America's history is. It's just like, shit we don't want to do, shit white people don't want to do, they just made black people do. So I'm sure black people fought in every war. That's the same way fucking French... Well, they actually wouldn't.

They wouldn't let them. They would have to have supply rolls and shit and be like cooks. Yeah, but they would make them do shit in every war. Yeah. Right?

Were there Black Combat Battalions? Oh, yeah, Glory. Never mind. I was going to ask the Civil War, but then, obviously, I'm in history by watching a brilliant movie

with Denzel Washington and Matthew Broderick. Well, you know what that doesn't show is that a lot of, a lot of black people were actually happy and fought for the South. It's kind of like,

being unfair, you know? Yeah, they really wanted to. It was a simpler life. They were trying to sign up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're back on the Anthony Kavita Network. Dinesh D'Souza,

he's doing a fucking, a fucking A fucking Goddamn documentary About that shit That racist Indian guy Right Is he? About how the blacks

Wanted to fight I don't know It seems Oh no Have you ever seen That movie CSA The Spike Lee movie

No Where about like If the south had won Oh Cool That's a cool idea well i remember seeing the fucking trailers for it and it didn't look cool because it was like everything's the same except there's slaves and it's like yeah i don't i don't think everything

else would be the fucking same well there wouldn't be any peanut butter we know that yeah whoa fuck that shit i would love it if he made that movie and fucked up and he's like oh yes i guess white people invented rap music it's just utopia just flying cars right i mean technology would probably be further along if you have more opportunity to exploit labor yeah i mean think about it think like incorporate i mean i guess isn't there arguments uh that like the industrial revolution kind of did away with the need for slavery anyways uh there is that argument yeah yeah but i mean tech needs it for like the precision manufacturing imagine if you could have slaves making the iphones you that you could have slaves making the iPhones. That would be amazing.

We could keep the jobs in America. We could all save probably like 20 bucks a pop on our iPhones. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. You know how many people would sign up for slavery and make it 20 bucks? You know what would be great? You keep them in cotton, but you get slaves really into screen printing.

And then you get on-demand custom T-shirts whenever you want. Literally any idea you think of. You have a plantation and you you know you get a t-shirt so it's vertical integration i want a shirt and it's got tony danza and it says who's the boss on it i have a specific idea of how how about this and hold me closer tony danza oh i like that yeah but yes that's great wait you get rid... So you get rid of all copyright laws, too, for these t-shirt factories. No, it's not copyright infringement if the slaves do it. Okay. Because they're not people.

The slave will be sued and executed. They're not making any money. That's how you do it. They get all the legal consequences. Well, I think that this is a very decent concept. We should actually try to pitch it to the new Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Beauregard

Sessions. Did he get the confirmation happening today, right? I saw there was a tweet that people were making fun of today that said calling him Jefferson Beauregard Sessions is exactly the same as calling him Barack Hussein Obama.

Oh, my God. It's a reference to a Confederate general. They're not making fun of him for having an ethnic name. So fucking retarded. I hate dude. They're like, listen, he's bad, but using his full name. Liberals are fucking pussy ass motherfuckers, dude. They're the worst.

Let's go after these pieces of shit. They're never going to win again. No, the argument against calling him Beauregard is that it's like, literally will do nothing. Did you learn nothing from the drunk thing? Right, right, right. It's because it's weak. You sound like a fucking retard. Exactly.

That's the argument. Beauregard. Check out this bumper sticker slogan I'm going to run with for the next fucking four years. Right. It's not some kind of idea of decorum. Yeah. Like, Republicans give a fuck. They're trying to take everyone's health care away right now. They're trying of decorum. Like, Republicans give a fuck. They're trying to take everyone's healthcare away right now.

They're trying to just fuck. They don't give a fuck about you. Fuck, man. Beauregard. But hopefully that motherfucker doesn't get in. I don't fucking know. He's actually, like, Satan incarnate. It's scary.

You heard the KKK quote, right? No, I didn't. That was my favorite. Oh, yeah, the one about weed? About weed? His big beef with the kkk was that they smoke weed yeah well he's like well it's not like they're smoking weed no he said he said he thought they were like decent he he knew some kkk people he thought they were decent until

he found out they smoked weed like that was the fucking deal breaker for this hate crime group oh man he's actually like that's the definition of the worst person in the world. Yeah, it's scary, dude, but whatever, dude. We're going to podcast through this. We're going to be here for the, we're part of the resistance, right? Yeah. We're going to help Hillary. Yeah. Is Hillary going to be mayor or is she going to be like a governor?

Oh, Hillary's better be great. Hillary. They just, they dug into that on the last Chapo, so I feel like. Oh, did they? We missed the boat on that one. Damn. I would start taking shits on the subway yeah with tom i was saying that's who she's gonna clean it up that's who she's gonna lose the election to is the guy that takes shits on the subway some homeless guy dangerous ed literally... Now I got two teeth and I got a shit to take.

And if this damn bitch thinks she's gonna keep me out of the mansion, she can suck my cock. Listen, everyone's like, he can't talk about women that way. He's like, you're goddamn right I can.

You fucking cunt. I like Dangerous Eddie because he says what's on his mind. Absolutely. You know who I want to see back is the rent when he used that knife

to threaten that Starbucks barista when he when he brought that that knife made out of squirrel bones sharpened squirrel bones when he brought that

pen knife into that Starbucks and threatened people it made me feel like you know this is a New Yorker that I can relate to it's true nah dude

I want the rent is too damn high guy back. That guy fucking ruled. What's he up to, dude? I don't know. Because you know what the rent is. Not paying rent. Apparently rents are dropping.

They're dropping off in New York. It's no longer a seller's market. I was told that. Yeah, I think that there was a rent freeze like two years ago where they like I think de Blasio said you you're not allowed to raise yeah that'd be cool that was his if he just changed the shit to de Blasio 420 blaze it up that's why I voted for him he already did that's not his name his name isn't de Blasio what is it's like walter fucking uh mclean or something wait

that's his malcolm x he has some yeah no yeah no he adopted like an ira or an italian name because it sounds more new yorker or some bullshit fuck yeah his real name isn't fucking de blasio what yeah hold on let me look it up his real name is talib quelly yeah yeah what if he's just like the uh adam i can't have you go into the phone while Nick's going to the phone as well, dude. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Come on, man. What's in there? What's in there? Nothing. You tell me. No, I want to know. What was that notification? It buzzed.

I looked at it. What was it? Yeah, Bill de Blasio born Warren Wilhelm Jr. Wilhelm? Wilhelm, yeah. So he's a German? Yeah, he's like a German.

He's a goddamn crap fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. I don't have a cool De Niro-style Italian that fucks black ladies as my mayor. Yeah, it's some bullshit trick to get people to think he's like, you know, like a Cuomo.

Oh, that sucks. I'm changing my name then. Yeah. To Vito Gabagool. I'm saying I want to change my name to Richard Dick Penis Nixon. You gotta have quotations around both.

It's a four-word, all hyphenated name. Fuck, man. I gotta change my name, dude, for show business. Dude, we are real New Yorkers now. We've been here for over a year, each, all of us.

Oh, I guess his mom's name is de blasio oh his father was of german ancestry and his maternal grandparents were italian immigrants did he grow up with them his grandfather giovanni shit it was from the city of santana de blasio is sentaga the god god fucking it fucking Italy man Sant Guess how many Fucking apostrophes are In the name of this Fucking town

Four Four How many vowels One Two Three Four Five

Six Seven They love vowels Santagata de Gatti Benevento Wapolini Mozzarella Pepperoni

Hey it's me Wouldn't it be awesome To go into a fucking store Pizza place and be like Yeah can I have one slice of Pepperoni I love it It's like when

Latino newscasters Are always like Tonight in Miami Yeah they do it with that Problems facing that Latino Latino newscasters are always like, tonight in Miami, there was a... Yeah, they do it with that. Problems facing that Latino community. But they never do it when it's like, earlier this morning, an illegal immigrant from Mexico

ran over an entire field trip with children while drunk off tequila. They don't do it in those situations. It's always when they open a foundation for battered women. Why not do it across the board

when they're embracing the other parts of their culture that don't obey speed limits or have insurance. That'd be really funny. He was drunk driving.

In his El Camino. El Inca Limag. He was drunk driving. In his El Camino. El Inca Limagrante was drunk driving. The other newscaster's like, what the fuck are you doing? He's like, I'm trashed. I got drunk with the weather girl trying to fuck her again. She won't fuck me. That dude on CNN, Rick San Sanchez do you remember him he killed someone

and then he just cried about it like a fucking 15 year old girl and they're like it's okay yeah it turned out that he was drunk at a Dolphins game yeah and then like he hit someone slammed his truck into somebody pinned them killed them killed him drove home drove home yeah

and then like 10 years later he's on cnn and then it comes out later that oh yeah 10 years ago he killed someone yeah wait so this was post yeah yeah he had a whole career he worked his way up to to major cable news did he get fired or anything or no uh well he's not around anymore i mean if you're rich you can do whatever the fuck you want even rich i mean he's's on TV, which complements being rich. Right. It helps. You really can.

Damn. I mean, look at Casey Affleck, which, by the way, if you didn't hear the story, he tried to have sex with a woman he was working with on the set of, I don't know, some fucking stupid movie. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And as you know, hitting on a woman is basically the same as working with a woman. I saw a meme that was like- Wait, what happened?

That's it? That's all that happened? He invited himself into her I saw a meme that was like... Wait, what happened? That's it? That's all that happened? He invited himself into her hotel room and she was like, leave. And then he did. But that's rape. It's rape to do that. I saw a meme that was like, yeah, accusations of rape really destroy a career. And it's like Casey Affleck holding a Golden Globe, Woody Allen holding an Oscar.

And it's like, all right, but yeah, he just tried to fuck a girl. I didn't know the Casey Affleck shit. It's absolute horse shit. The Casey Affleck one is horse shit. Casey Anthony also. Also horse shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That little girl deserved to die.

I agree. And you know what? She was a mom, but she's allowed to have fun, too. Hi, I'm Nancy Grace, and if you think your child should be murdered next, please call in.

Send us the details. We will find a killer to come and murder your child, and we will cover it for seven days. To rape your baby. Things are not going well here at the Nancy Grace Studios, and we've got a new method to make money. Actually, we're going to be proactive about it. We are going to murder your toddler in an effort to boost ratings. Well, she loves to say baby. Baby.

Yeah. She doesn't say child or infant. She goes, baby. They fucked that baby. What happened? She never had kids or anything. Did she get raped? She was like a prosecutor or something, right?

No, she was a prostitute. Oh, no, no. She was a prosecutor. She was a prostitute for 15 years. Her husband or fiance got murdered and then she turned into like a the fucking hulk like yeah that's what happens like fucking john walsh john walsh john walsh the best thing to ever happen to him was having a son kidnapped no i'm serious beheaded yeah he made a whole career wait this is like american

style beheading amer Americans most wanted, yeah. This isn't like terrorist shit? Yeah, yeah. That's because a non-terrorism beheading is hilarious. Did he get beheaded? Yeah, they found his head in some body of water. Well, maybe it just fell off. Oh, it was like a get rid of the body.

Maybe the kid's got a loose head. You never know. Yeah, you don't know. Sometimes these kids, they got loose heads like a Lego man. The bodies are so small and the heads are so big on some of these kids. Yeah, but now he's- Especially my wife, she was drinking the entire pregnancy. Now he's famous.

This kid's got a huge head. He's famous off his son being murdered. Now, I can't imagine the pain of what that's like to go through, but I think I would like to be famous. Maybe I should have a kid and hire someone to murder. What if we kill Adam? Wait, hold on.

This is the plot. If you guys kill me, the podcast will probably do great. This is the plot to the Comptown movie. Oh, let's hear it. We all adopt a son and then pay someone to murder him so he can become the three fathers

that are famous for having a murdered son. And it's like the producers except we kill a boy. We're in a polyamorous gay relationship. Three men. It's perfectly normal. 2017.

Do we get away with it? How does it end? Of course we get away with it. We become famous? Yeah. We fuck so many girls afterwards. So the kid is just like

that's like the first 15 minutes is we adopt a kid and we kill it. And then the rest is us just fucking and sucking in Hollywood and shit. And buying Playstations. I love it. Let's fucking get a treatment going. What happens in Act 3? They find out we murdered the kid.

So what do we have to do? We get a MacArthur Genius Grant. So we lose everything, and then, yeah, we win the Millennium Prize. We figure out some math problem. That's how we get a million dollars for doing it. Yep, and if we didn't kill that kid, we would never have figured out that tough math thing.

Yeah. And then we get a boat on international waters. And then we can murder all the kids we want. Murder more kids. Because at that point, we're addicted to it. And really, it's an allegory for fame and cocaine. Children represent cocaine in this. I love it.

I still have that coke we should do. I mean, I'm feeling sick now, but... Yeah? Sometimes, dude. This weekend. I gotta take it easy. Yeah, it's been making... I don't like like it yeah i just want you guys are coke fiends though dude i just do it i just do it that's the fucking problem i like i sat and just did like a bag by myself when a couple

weeks ago and it's like all right i gotta i cannot do this for another six months i've never done that yeah it's lewis well i mean that's why i can't do anything yeah you're the only reason i was doing a blow at all is because i don't particularly like it and then it was like you know i can do this thing that i don't really enjoy because it's too fucking expensive but it's just been like all over the place lately right yeah i mean i'll abuse anything of Literally fucking anything. I'll turn it into a fucking addiction. What's the dumbest addiction you ever had except PlayStation? Power tools. Right, I guess that's so clear.

Yeah, that was definitely really fucking stupid. No, it's cool. You can make shit with that. You can make shit out of cocaine. Shut up. Don't tell him it's cool. Power tools is cool. It's stupid to just keep buying fucking tools just in general.

Just to have laying around. Well, yeah, if he doesn't have like a shop and he's not working on stuff all the time. He lives on a fucking four by six fucking room. A piece of plywood. He sleeps on a piece of wood. But you should come make a fucking little shelf in my kitchen, dude. Yeah, I'll do that. I have no problem making a shelf.

Yeah, I'm trying to get a juicing, a blending station in my kitchen. Someone just DM me and ask them to retweet them. Ugh. Don't do that. That's like the one thing. That's poor ass etiquette. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's not like, oh, I'm worried about my fucking brand or whatever,

but people are going to be like, why are you fucking retweeting this person? Is it good? Is it funny? I don't know. He didn't even show me a specific tweet. He just asked me to retweet them. Is he cute? Do you want to fuck him? No. Would you trade retweets for head? Yes. I would, of course.

Me and Adam don't have that many followers. I'm worried about the integrity of my timeline. Theullen like thing that that oh fuck yeah it's good just sneeze directly on the microphones that aren't fixed to any one of us we all share he's not sick he's not sick though i'm not that sick i'm a little sick you really i mean you just couldn't move the mic away to i did i went like no on his hand you sneezed it was mostly on this fucking microphone i did it on my hand um yeah all right yeah but anyway we will trade retweets for head me and adam we don't have that many followers

well i'll trade less for head i mean more actually i don't know i don't know how that works what's the most you would trade for head the most i'd trade for head? The most I'd trade for head? Yeah. A jewel, a ruby. Yeah, yeah. For one, what a job. A precious coin. Yeah. Yeah, I'd do like one of those fancy nickels. A buffalo nickel?

Buffalo nickels. What's that called? When you're into... When you're into coins. Being gay. Or stamps. They have like weird names. Being autistic.

Whatever. I don't even know why I brought that up. Stampers? No, there's like a stupid fancy name for people to collect coins and stamps. Collectors? No. American Pickers?

No. You guys ever watch American Pickers? No. You guys ever watch American Pickers? No. What is that? It's like Storage Wars? It's two guys going around doing Storage Wars. Doing Storage Wars type shit?

They do Storage Wars. Yeah, they just go to basements and shit and try and get fucking like poor hoarders to give them the most prized possession for less money than they know it's worth. It's pretty cool. I'm looking up.

I found diamond-encrusted menorahs. How much? This one's $2,300. Yeah, I can get you better. That's not bad. I can get you better. You can get me better? For you, I can get you better.

Dude, let's buy a diamond-encrusted menorah. You know what I want? I want a menorah that's diamond-encrusted, but all of the diamonds are all in the shape of dollar signs all over the menorah. Is there a Jewish rapper with a menorah chain? Now that's something. Is there a Jewish rapper?

There was... Modest Yahoo. There's Modest Yahoo. Modest Yahoo, to me, is like... Modest Yahoo and Bill Maher are the two most embarrassing people in the world. Modest Yahoo stinks. Yeah. He stinks. and bill maher the two most embarrassing people in the world stinks yeah yeah he stinks i remember my parents like came to me with a cd one day i was like in high school they're like

all right adam bear with me don't interrupt me bear with me it's a it's a reggae guy okay but he's also a rabbi and i was like get the fuck out of my room right now you know and then i go to school and like kids are listening to it like he did have a public school he did have a regular kids were listening to it not one song that was just like kind of okay but yeah that i was thrown for a fucking loop i was like i had no idea how my mom got that one right he's also yeah he made no they just lucked into it. Jews will claim everything Jewish is cool.

That's like... That's a fucking... That's their go-to move. Claiming anything Jewish is cool? Anytime a Jew is in anything, you will claim it's cool. My friend sent me a picture.

It's true, man. Shapiro's pretty cool. Years ago, my friend sent me this picture. It was some like... Drake. Some Israeli like tourism board

promotional poster. Oh my God. From like 1991. And so promotional poster from 1991. And so anything from 1991 isn't going to look cool. But it's these really just sort of crusty-looking Jewish girls. At the Dead Sea, right? At the Dead Sea. They're floating in the Dead Sea, and they've got Tevas on.

You showed me. They've got Tevas on, and they're floating in the Dead Sea. And then on the bottom it just says, Being Jewish is cool. Oh, yes yes can we get our hands on that i wish i can't even find the picture anymore there's like there's like these new um damn i want that this is this is super fucking embarrassing but there are these new like hasbara facebook pages that like try to do fight the israeli uh anti uh you know the israeli propaganda war through like memes hell yeah and they're like dat feeling when the palestinians want to say that you occupy they are it's it's probably what there were some it's one of the

most embarrassing things i've ever seen in my life yeah that shit's i love people just trying to get on... There were some super bizarre Russian memes going around last week. Did you see that shit? Well, yeah, the Russian embassy, when they kicked out the diplomats, tweeted a picture of... Was it a duck or something? It was a duck.

And it was like... It's like... And then Wendy's also tweeted a Pepe Wendy. Do you remember that? No. Yeah, also tweeted a Pepe Wendy. Do you remember that? No. Yeah, Wendy's tweeted Pepe Wendy. Just fucking, and then apologized because it's racist. Yeah, this is like the word, like,

the DNC fired their entire, like, video production staff, like, on congressional, like, video production staff, and they're like, we need to refocus on memes. Oh, God. They, like, people thinking that, like, that's the future. I mean, I can't wait till Wardell is a political consultant. He probably is, dude. Probably already is.

I hope Wardell gets killed by the Russians. That would be such a fucking good movie. He tries to work with them. Oh, he would switch sides so quick. Yeah. Wardell, if the Russians are... He would switch sides so quick. Yeah. If the Russians are... He doesn't have a side. Yeah. He's devoid of any kind of allegiance to anything.

That's what I mean, though. There's no sides. He's not a guy you have to worry about being, like, two-faced or whatever. He doesn't even have one face. Right, right. He's like a ball of putty. Yeah. Yeah, he's constantly tweeting things.

Yeah. You can't really be mad at Brandon because it's like being mad at a fucking GIF. He has no personality. It's this repeating loop of something that was stolen from some other thing. From black people. You don't even understand the underlying reference anymore. Yeah, because it's Friday and you ain't got no job.

Yeah. Fuck, man. And Debo comment. Yeah. Fuck, man. And Deebo come in. Whatever. We love Brandon. He's our friend. Stop harassing him, guys. No, please continue harassing me.

See, that's the thing. I don't give a shit about harassing Brandon because Brandon doesn't care. He's also a public figure, too. Yeah, he's a public figure now and he's got plenty of money. Let's rob Brandon, dude. I think he does care, though.

He cares. But we should rob him. Oh, yeah, we should definitely. Oh, we should, dude. We should make him think it's somebody else, too. We should set him up and rob him. Hey, Brandon, you got booked for this DJ set about nine blocks away from the train station. It's in an industrial area.

It's like a warehouse kind of party. It's real underground. It's like very industrial warehouse. Don't bring your phone, though, because it'll fuck up the DJ equipment. That is how he DJs. Yeah. He plugs his phone into an aux. Ah, fuck.

So what else is going on with you boys, huh? Nothing. I've been getting a little bit of that seasonal affective disorder. Yeah, you getting sad? Woo, getting sad, boy. I feel you. I sat on my couch this weekend, watched a good 14 hours of some quality NFL football entertainment. I watched a lot of RuPaul's Drag Race, which is an incredible show.

That's probably better Than what I was doing It was four terrible games This weekend Yeah The wild card round Was terrible Although Did you guys watch

The National College Football I watched that last night That was a fucking killer game Yeah And I don't give a fuck About college football You know what I found out Last night

The coach of Clemson Is this guy Dabo Sweeney Dabo Sweeney Dabo Sweeney Okay So I looked up On his Wikipedia page How the fuck his name Got to be Dabo Sweeney. Dabo Sweeney, dude. Dabo Sweeney. Okay. So I looked up on his Wikipedia page

how the fuck his name got to be Dabo. When he was born, he was a baby. His older brother was 18 months, and he was trying to say Dat Boy. Really? Which is already not the way you say those words. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So his name is literally...

He was attempting to say something incorrect. Yeah. And then made it another level further. So his name is literally... So he was attempting to say something incorrect. Yeah. And then made it another level further. So his name is literally Dat Boy Sweeney. Dat Boy Sweeney. Sweeney. Dat Boy Sweeney. It's not even Sweeney.

It's Sweeney. That's awesome. Yeah, it's sick. Yeah. That's a great name. Also, oh shit, what up, dude? Yeah, he's just a guy from the South, right? Where's Dabo from?

Some shithole. Yeah. North Florida or something. I don't know. Yeah, dude. Just a piece of shit. I want to the south right Where's Dabo from Some shithole Yeah North Florida or something I don't know Some piece of shit I want to be named Dabo Dabo yeah that's a sick name Dabo sounds like a rapper's name

It sounds a lot like Quavo Dabo and Quavo could be friends Uh Raindrop Uh Drop Drop top Um

Yeah So you getting sad Did you guys watch that uh Golden Globes I didn't no I did not until Come Town gets nominated

I'm not gonna watch okay so I've never watched any award show I don't understand the point of watching award shows I've never watched

the Oscars with my parents I've watched only when it's I've never sat down and put it on I don't go to like you know

I got brought to one Golden Globes party ever what is the Golden Globes party ever What is the Golden Globes? It's TV Or it's movies It's everything It's the Hollywood foreign press

I don't understand Is it music too? Like Not music The Like Why I would sit there And watch actors

Do the one thing That makes me fucking Like completely hate actors Like the part of their personality That I'm trying to ignore When I'm watching a movie Like not the acting part Not the acting part part the thing that they're the absolute worst at which is fucking humility humility why would you do that yeah no it's crazy oh yeah well uh we'll just see

some titties and ball gowns yes queen meryl streep came horde at our president um the the p-e-o-t-u-s the president elect peotus the peotus yeah it's like the latin spelling of um yeah i don't give a shit i don't even know why we're talking about it do you guys care i don't care meryl my grandma looks a little bit like meryl streep oh yeah yo did i tell you guys you know my grandma that fucks no my yeah my grandma that I don't care. Meryl? My grandma looks a little bit like Meryl Streep. Oh, yeah? Yo, did I tell you guys? You know my grandma that fucks? No, my grandma that fucks and just got a divorce. Yeah.

All right. This is wild. Hold on. Stop jumping around. What did Meryl Streep say? She said that Trump abused that handicapped guy. And and then she made some i didn't really even see it she she made some fucking comment about if if we we don't watch movies anymore then all that's left is going to be mma and football which is like oh which sounds all right yeah i like those

things are tight like i like movies how funny would be if someone rushed the stage and beat the shit out of him his arm bar snapped her arm yeah fucking choked her out fish hooked her ripped her eyelids off um yeah i don't know man it was like one of those everyone's going if we don't watch move shut the fuck up like that's what i mean it's i don't give a shit about the donald trump thing but even that so for some reason movies are so much fucking better. As if the entertainment industry isn't equally responsible for raping people and exploiting them and protecting predators. 100%. Roman Innocent.

Polanski. Roman Innocent. Polanski Innocent. Free my you-know-what Roman. Free my Jew. Free my Holocaust survivor. But you know, absolutely what's going to happen is Meryl Streep is going to play Hillary Clinton in a fucking horrible movie. Oh, is that why she's already method acting by being unlikable and saying the wrong thing in public?

Well, no. She's preparing for the role by being a detestable fucking piece of shit. No, she's an incredible actor. She is. She's like one of the best actors in the world i wouldn't go that far you don't think so no she's incredible you see doubt bad but did you see doubt that she's she's dope dude she always kills it i mean i'm not gonna say i'm not saying she's a bad actress but one of the most incredible actors i think she's one of the best actors in Hollywood, yeah. First of all, I don't like that you're calling her an actor and not an actress.

Oh, I don't gender. I don't like the underlying politics here. All right, fine. She's one of the best stewardesses in Hollywood. A nurse. The term is nurse. Female anything is called a nurse. Yeah, but like, you know, obviously that's lame as shit uh you know the how the movie that

won apparently is this movie la la land yeah it's a musical it seems horrible which is one of those it's good they make these movies did moonlight win anything it was yeah i guess i kind of want to see that but i'm worried it's gonna be like i'm not gonna turn you gay no that's not gonna turn me gay but that i won't get anything out of it it's really i was saying i kind of want to see that, but I'm worried it's going to be like I'm not going to. It's going to turn you gay? No, it's not going to turn me gay, but that I won't get anything out of it. It's really good. I was saying I kind of want to shoot a movie that's just two hours of like an interracial trans couple, literally just fucking, but, you know, shoot it with like DSLRs or whatever. Yeah, yeah, make it look real trans, Malik.

Spend a lot of time on like color correction and shit, and maybe there's like some subplot about them getting fired from a coffee shop. But they live in Bushwick. They're trans. They fuck each other. And then just make sure it's just pornography. And see if you can win any awards. I would like to do a movie where there's just inexplicably...

No, Moonlight is nothing like that. Moonlight's incredible. Actually, I went into it not knowing what it was at all. And it made it way better. I didn't know what it was. There was some movie I tried to watch. It was like White Girls or something. It wasn't White Girls.

I forget what the fuck it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like, yeah. White Chicks with the Wayans Brothers? No. That's an excellent film. I do think that they'll win an Oscar. This movie that came out this year where it's like-

It's White Girls in the title. Something like that. Yeah, they just do drugs. It's NC-17. Yeah, they just do drugs, and there's like it's white girls in the title something like that yeah they just do drugs it's NC-17 yeah they just do drugs and there's like a Latino boyfriend and it's like

I'm not annoyed with like the representation but it's like this is such a boring fucking movie it's young people sitting around doing fucking drugs

that doesn't impress me I'm not like oh wow they had sex yeah I don't understand I don't know that sounds pretty cool to me

yeah I watched it I watched the MTV network there's gotta be a spy there's gotta be Wow. Yeah. They had sex? Yeah. I don't understand. I don't know. That sounds pretty cool to me. Yeah. I watched it. I watched the MTV network the other day. There's got to be a spy. There's got to be a bridge, you know, that the spies meet on. That's the recipe for a good movie. Yeah. You need a guy to come.

Give me a bridge in there. A spy. Maybe some disguises. Maybe a guy that's a master of disguises. Ooh. You know? Oh, maybe. Have you seen that movie? Turtle costume, maybe. Have you seen that movie?

Yeah, have you seen that movie? I saw it in theaters. Incredible. You did? That is one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my entire life. It is so fucking bad.

You know my man thought he was purged, like poised for a comeback. Right. You know what would be a good sequel is Master of Races. Master of Races.

Star of Dana Carvey. And he's an Aryan. But he can play any race. He can play any race. He did just release a special. Yeah, he's got a straight white male, age 60. There's no way it's good. Yeah, I saw the title of that.

My parents just saw him this weekend. This is going to be the most tone deaf. Absolutely. There's no way. I mean, I'm not even 30, and I already feel out of touch. Right, right, right. I don't think I can say anything that's really culturally relevant. I'm like not even 30 and it's like I already feel out of touch. Right, right, right. You know? Yeah.

I don't think that I could say anything that's like really culturally relevant or get my finger on the pulse of what people are thinking. No way, dude. But you know, that's probably exactly what happened. He just came up with a new hour and it probably was not that good or not that like in touch and he was like, well, I'm going to lean into it and just call it straight. So it looks like I'm aware that this is bad. Dude, did you hear that story about fucking, what's his name? There's the ticket.

What's his name? The actor. John Lovitz. John Lovitz. My parents just saw Dana Carvey and John Lovitz this weekend. John Lovitz at fucking Draft House or something. I think it was Milner. His closer.

Well, Milner was when milner was saying he was like yeah we had to uh uh he had to have a car pulled around to the back of the venue to take him out because he was worried people were going to beat him up he was like saying that because he's a republican no because he was on stage and he's like what what the fuck are trannies back when i was young it was just called being a fag did I tell you John Lovitz was saying this people were like booing him threatening him

he's closer for a long time I think he did a bit about the n-word which is just a Louis bit by the way but he's like when you say the n-word

everyone's thinking the words aren't you just saying the word yeah I know the Louis bit he's got his closer for a long time was just a song

and it was like it was just like Bob my friend Bob Saget is gay. Is a faggot. It was like, that was the big musical number. He told, yeah, my folks saw him and Dana Carvey this weekend, and my dad called me to tell me the bit. And I was like, I don't really think that's that funny.

Well, I love anytime Norm talks about him on a podcast about doing comedy just shits on him because it's like Lovitz was never a stand up he's just like a guy who's like famous now

and needs a way to get money I want that dude I want to I want to just I want fame and then just to go around just being terrible

at comedy I know it's the same thing I do now except with a lot more money I bet you David Allen Greer. But with a lot more money. I bet you David Alan Greer is at least interesting to watch.

I saw him at Draft House. He was great. Steve-O. And what's his name? Mankind. Screech. Tom Green is a stand-up. Mick Foley. Yeah.

Is Tom Green a good stand-up? No. I don't know. But I don't know. It's weird. He's good. I mean, he's a funny guy. It's weird that like people,. I mean, he's a funny dude. It's weird that, like, people...

Comedy is so hot right now. Mike Diesel, one time. Like, Mike Diesel... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I explained him on the podcast before. This guy that booked the fucking... Open mic. Yeah.

Bowling shirt pigment. Yeah, he booked Wiseacres in Northern Virginia. But he was, like, a pathological liar or whatever. And so he would... Anytime any comic was brought up he'd be like yeah we're gonna actually uh we're gonna have him through the club uh you know and it's like we see the headshots on the wall we know who fucking comes through here it's the drum comic the coach and then like remember the magic guy 45 fat guys that all had their fucking aorta exploded at age 37. From Coke and sandwiches.

Yeah, pretty much. From free comedy club bar food. From fried pickles and King Kong nachos and all that shit. Fuck, which? Yeah, quesadillas

with fried chicken in them. And the chili burger. Yeah. But, yeah, so one time comics were just talking about emerald legassi and this is like 10 years ago so it was when like emerald show was real big or whatever he was huge yeah and bam was a big joke everywhere yeah yeah yeah so like two comics were talking about emerald i think it was andy klein and somebody else and fucking diesel comes up and he's like uh yeah we're going to have him through the club

because he thought they were just talking about a comic so he decided to just lie about it. And they were like, to do what? And he's like, you know, whatever's going to happen here. To do what, Mike? Just cook on stage? Dude, the worst part is I could see

Emeril could get booked to headline a club so much better than a good comedy with no credits. Like, if Emeril was like, I want to do comedy, every club would headline him.

That's the thing that sucks about stand-up is that, like, audiences are fucking retarded. No, absolutely. And I don't mean, maybe in their personal lives they aren't,

but something happens to people when they enter a comedy club that they just become abject fucking retards. Well, it retard it's shocking they get drunk they want something to just go fucking do but it's also shocking how many people don't even like comedy in their personal life they go to comedy clubs yeah all they want is to be shit on all they want is hack shit how fucking funny is it that like the thing that we've chosen to pursue is on par with like, let's just go bowling tonight. Right, right, right, right.

That it would be like if you were really trying to be the best guy at setting up the pins at a fucking bowling alley. It's not even being, it's not even bowling. It's working at a bowling alley. It's working at a bowling alley is what being a comedian is. Well, the other thing is. But I saw a guy crush in Detroit, and I forget who he was. I was trashed. I was really fucking drunk, and I was there for a festival.

And there was a guy that just went on stage, and as far as my memory goes, he was the red shirt guy. He dressed in all red, and he handed out red shirts, and he just played music. And it was like, this isn't even comedy. He's not even attempting comedy. And people loved it. Because it was just a guy handing out shirts. Jesus Christ. It didn't say anything on it.

Free shirts are pretty tight. I don't think. Yeah. I fuck with free shirts. Yeah, dude. It sucks. Comedy sucks. Well, how many people do you bump into that go to even good clubs and are like, this is

my first comedy show? And it's like, what? How is this your first comedy? There's no real comedy fans anymore. Because the people that were comedy fans are now just doing comedy. They do mics. That's not true, dude. Podcasts.

It's true. People at work love listening to fucking podcasts. Yeah, people love podcasts more than comedy. That's not stand-up comedy. To some people, it is. To some people, that's what comedy has become. Yeah, but it's fucking not, dude. This is not comedy. This isn't edited or honed., it is. To some people, that's what comedy has become. Yeah, but it's fucking not, dude. I mean, this is not comedy.

This isn't edited or honed. No show is. I mean, maybe there are podcasts out there where they write all this stuff in advance. No. But even then, that's not stand-up comedy. No, it's not even close. Yeah. Yeah, well, another thing is, like, going back to the Lovitz thing is, like, there are

a ton of comedic actors who do comedy shit and then try to go into stand-up that, because stand-up is so easy.up is hot right now so what they do is they work like the meltdown room in la they work like kind of alti rooms where everyone knows them from you know children's hospital or whatever and then they they crush and then they get their 30 minutes which sucks because they've been like because people give them laughs just because they were from the tv right right and then they sell it to Netflix and make a ton of money you know that that's become like a fucking business

model for a ton of like comedic actors who fucking suck who think that stand up isn't a skill we're gonna make this podcast number one and then we're gonna produce the world's shittiest web series and we're gonna get jaded and then we're gonna sell this sell it and

then we're gonna be you know terrible like everybody else i can't wait dude i would love to do you remember when what's his name cordry was hosting was hosting at benson ball jamel was on that show i wasn't at that show dude it was like insane it was he was doing brody brody stevens did my show and he's good yeah he's he's hilarious. Yeah, I'm not going to get into the habit of shitting on people specifically. Especially guys that I think are funny. He's super funny. Adam Friedland said it right here, right now. Rob Corddry is a terrible comedian.

We all love Rob Corddry. We're both looking at you like, why would you fucking say that? Adam, please. I was holding up a sign that said, Adam, please stop. I told a story about I told a story about how Emeril Lagasse shouldn't do comedy

which is fair I didn't say he was a bad cook I didn't come on the podcast and publicly announce that Rob Corddry is a fucking bad cook well let me go through

my list right now bad comics go ahead okay Louis C.K. Louis C.K. Jerry Seinfeld you got

Norm Macdonald Norm Macdonald dog shit I haven't read his book yet I have it I have it you can have it I want to read a book

I think it would be cool to read a book I still haven't finished Bloods of the Medes by the way I've never seen a book I've never you know looked at a book so all the listeners

Norm's book is incredible and you should read it it's like a work of it's like a great novel I always thought it was funny to do like a I used to of his bookshelf with like four books on it and i always wanted to do like a sketch where it's like a girl bringing like a guy back to her apartment and there's like a bookshelf with like maybe seven books on it and he just looks at it and he's like have you read all these books

it's just it's just the dictionary yeah i wow that's amazing the owen wilson wow wow wow wow you read all these you read all these books wow wow maybe i won't try and kill myself who made him try to kill himself i think he did it he just did no andy dick got him on no no It wasn't Andy No Andy Dick Got Phil Andy Dick got Phil Hartman's wife On coke

Really Yeah Apparently Yeah that's why She killed him That's why she killed him So we should kill Andy Dick It's Andy Dick's fault

We should do a fatwa Against Andy Dick No we should get Andy Dick's husband On cocaine So that Have him fuck Brandon Oh no no

Steve Coogan Didn't people say steve coogan got uh owen wilson on smack and that's why he was about to kill himself yeah he was like addicted to heroin coogs yeah i love steve coogan coogan's great oh man i saw i saw an advertisement because ricky gervais stole his life yeah you're ricky gervais literally stole his so much better than stole his world i saw i saw an advertisement for the AARP on network television where it's like a woman and she's scrolling through the AARP website and her friend who's a man is like, what are you doing on AARP?

She's like, well, you qualify for yourself too, Mr. 50. And he's like, I don't know about that. He's apprehensive about admitting that he's old enough to join the AARP, but none of those people will ever be able to retire. Right, right, right, right. And then she's like, yeah, well, check out all you're missing out on. And then she's just like looking at pictures of Ted Nugent. It's like one of the benefits of being in the AARP is that you get to see pictures of Ted Nugent. You get Ted Nugent's Flickr account.

Ted Nugent with cat scratch fever yeah which is sex with an underage Polynesian woman alright well we're out of time great

so I just want to say I love you Rob yeah no you're gonna you're gonna it's fucked up be eating crow

once Rob Corddry hears this did you know that he asked us he asked us to reboot Children's Hospital? Now you're out? I'm a fan, dude.

You're out. Wait, he just wanted the comeboys? Yeah, but he said as long as no one trashed me on the podcast. That was his one condition.

I'm out with the ants, which, by the way, is not a big deal. I think Ant's going to do the show. Did you talk to him? Yeah, i talked to

ant about it he's fine i saw the clip from his podcast he wasn't really that mad yeah well because it's like again uh uh he was wrong about the fucking thing i'm uh like i feel like i'm entitled to just say yeah he's fucking wrong about it also you notice no one put in the fucking part where we sucked him off and said he was the funniest dude yeah they edited out the fact that we we're all huge fans it's these like shithead fucking you know tattles

yeah literally tattletales they're like oh that's a bitch move time to bust out adobe audition yeah yeah yeah and make my little

tattletale clip maybe it'll retweet me exactly fucking losers right so yeah just fucking guys that tattletale

to Mike Francesco all day long the dog is a faggot Mike yeah so if you were if you were questioning I got really strong opinions

on the Jets yeah no there's no bad blood between Comptown and Ant and if there was we would just fucking talk about it

it's like not yeah I don't understand why people think that that would be like an issue to fucking well we said there was we would just fucking talk about it it's like not yeah I don't understand why people think that that would be like an issue to fucking well we said there was this is the podcast

you just heard Adam say out loud he hates Rob Corddry I don't the most powerful man in show business probably like if you look at Adam's career track he's gonna be a Rob Corddry type

hopefully so he's going after you know the one guy that can help him so he fucked up too yeah we're not afraid to confront anybody yeah that's on the show and this is the show where again where adam says fuck rob cordy fuck louis ck adam hates all these people and he doesn't give a shit about the show he's talking about how tigna taro's a fraud i don't think she had cancer yeah it's true and i i think she's heterosexual too

i think she's trying to get that lgbt money and that cancer money i want to get a tattoo that says lgbt but that like every letter has the two striped dollar sign like a symbol true lgbt let's get big titties yeah you just don't know that it's oh my god that'd be such a good like ocean city maryland boardwalk t-shirt let's get love giant big titties and you're like whoo lgbt baby you have no idea it's i love it i love it i just think it'd be funny if the t and lgbt stuff are trains not trans you. And on that note, everyone. Thank you. Wow. But seriously, fuck Rob Corddry.

So come to our live show January. Yeah, in a couple weeks. It's actually coming up. I always forget that it's coming up. The 23rd, I think. I'll look it up right now. Yes, we got a couple weeks. It's actually coming up. I always forget that it's coming up. The 23rd, I think. I'll look it up right now. Yes, we got a live show. The fourth Monday of this month.

Come on, everybody. Also, we're at Caroline's next month. And hopefully, we'll talk after this, but we should hopefully come out and see some people in your cities. So we're doing North Texas. What? When's the fucking live show dude? I'm finding

Where's my calendar at? It's February 21st 23rd No no no That's the calendar We also do January 23rd At Come On Everybody

Which is in about two weeks Yeah Week and a half Two weeks Cool Yeah And then otherwise We'll be around Also add me on playstation i don't

have any friends on playstation yeah i gotta buy playstation and um yeah do patreon too if you don't already i was i was asking the other day is is um xbox live more racist than psn uh yeah because it's free yeah because it's free no it's not is, right? It's free. Yeah. Because it's free. No, it's not. Neither of them are free. Oh, I thought Xbox was free. No, no. In fact, the fact that it costs money makes it more racist because it means that minorities don't have access to it. Oh, yeah. It's like a poll tax. Yeah. Dude, honestly, you go and play.

It was so funny. Like you play, it was so funny, I remember like 10 years ago, whenever like online games with like headsets and shit, you would play a game for a while and then the price would drop and as soon as the price dropped, you would like, you know, you'd be playing when it came out and it'd be like, yeah, like we got to go over here, like capture this objective, this guy's a faggot or, you know, like fuck this guy, you know, this guy's fucking camping or whatever. And then the price would drop and it's like

immediately and then also guys from like texas wiggers would show up which is always a weird like yeah me and my partners paul waltz because it's also the gay term Walls. Me and my partner, which is so funny. I love that they say partner. Because it's also the gay term for boyfriend. Yeah, me and my life partner. Yeah, we're partners for that. Me and my life partners. We're dedicating ourselves.

We're penetrating each other. Me and my partner. Yeah. All right, well. Yeah, so, yeah, I guess those are the shows coming up. We'll figure it out i do want to have ann on because ann is is uh great to you know fucking chat with so funny um and then that's the the one the one hesitation is like i think that's the last

big guest that we could do i've kind of exhausted my well there people. Well, there's one guy. We've got to talk about it. Vampire Weekend. Oh, right. Well, he hasn't agreed to do the show. Well, he agreed to do the show. Fans, Vampire Weekend, Ezra Klein from Vox.com. Ezra Koenig said that he wanted to do Comptown, so whatever. He probably will never do it. And Ashton Kutcher also.

And Danny Masterson. What a fucking asshole name, byutcher. He probably will never do it. And Ashton Kutcher also. And Danny Masterson. What a fucking asshole name, by the way. Ashton Kutcher. You hear it all the time, so you stop thinking about it. But Jesus, that and Macaulay Culkin. What a fucking shitty name. Ashton's worse than Macaulay. Macaulay Culkin is like the best child actor.

It's like Kutcher is douchier than Culkin. I think Kutcher's a little worse. I'll give you Macaulay, but I think Kutcher's just than Culkin I think Kutcher is a little I'll give you Macaulay but I think Kutcher is worse than how about this Macaulay Kutcher that sounds like an ad agency it does yeah all right

well that's the episode you know hey if you don't like the show you know that's suck our fat connoisseurs I understand you know I say suck dick. I'm kind of on board. I'm with the guys that hate the show.

Yeah, I hate it too, but fuck you. You don't show me disrespect. I'm one of the guys that thinks the show's not racist enough now. Yeah, I just want to say to all those guys that Black Lives Matter. They do. Black Lives Matter. If you're a racist. Adam pointed out, there was one guy

that was like it was like so funny he's like he was like oh these stores never recovered dude there was some girl that was raped and fed to alligators it's like yeah in florida dude what the fuck are you talking yeah these dudes that are like so fucking paranoid about a genocide against white people one of them was like replying Nick's tweets, and he's like, dude, they raped a girl and they fed her to gators. That's his evidence. Dude, Black Lives Matter is feeding girls to gators. Definitely not bitch moves to live in fear

about the knockout game. That's the way to prove that you're not a fucking coward. That's the thing. Spend all your time worried about the fucking knockout game and being fed to alligators. They're fucking snowflakes. They're racist-ass snowflakes. I mean, snowflakes are white, dude. It's better for whatever.

Snowflakes are white. They're cold. They're icy. They're beautiful. I don't understand what the problem is They're pure They're pure Alright what the fuck are we talking about

We've been ending this fucking episode for 20 minutes No we haven't It's literally been 2 minutes Really Yeah I'm delirious dude Well thank you as always For all the sweeties that listen to this show

We really appreciate it Yeah holler at us You guys are sweeties seriously I'm single and I'm ready to mingle Yeah thanks for listening to the show You know steal it do whatever tell people to listen to it even if you do hate it this is the free one even if you do hate it and you want you know and you say hey look at these fucking assholes who we don't like you know to be honest with you like i you know i i say all that shit but like that's what fans are they're people that fucking

like you know they listen every show and oh, you're a fucking faggot or whatever. Yeah. So I don't really mind it. I mean, it's fucking... Yeah, I like sports. It's kind of cool. Yeah, right, exactly.

It's the same thing. That's all fans are sitting in the stands saying. Yeah. So I'm a faggot. I appreciate it. I threw three interceptions this episode.

You are gay. I'm the Eli Manning of the podcast. We all agree, Adam is gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what we can all build on. People that hate this show, people that love this show. Let's build a community. Let's build a community. I'm a fan Manning of the podcast. We all agree Adam is gay. That's what we can all build on. People that hate the show, people that love the show.

Let's build a community. Let's build around Adam being gay. That's the thing, man. We need unity in this country. That's the consensus. And I think the ticket is specific anti-Semitism directed at actual individuals. Not this sort of generic, nebulous anti-Semitism. There's no plot.

That's divisive. You pick a Jew and you go after one specific Jew. It's me. Together. I'm the problem. You know how, you know, if Hitler picked one Jew that he really didn't like, would people have thought he was such a bad guy? Yeah, they would have given him that one guy.

If it was the one guy, he could have taken over the world and it wouldn't have been a problem. That's true. Yeah. He should have only killed one Jew. Well, uh, sure.

I don't think there's a way to fix any of what I just said. No, no. Fuck. Yeah. Alright, you guys are fun. Thanks.