The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 36 – Goatee Era Seagal

Episode Date: January 18, 2017

We go real deep into the latest era of Seagal movies, And we have a sponsor now. Please give me feedback on the fact that we have ads now. Make sure to get mad at me about it. The premium episodes will always be ad free if it bothers you. I’m tired of ev

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It's the Comptown pre-inauguration super special. It is Wednesday, January 35th, 2006. And we are live from the new uh did we what did we replace the Anthony Cumia studio

the Black Lives Matter Black Lives Matter African Bombada Memorial in the basement of the Empire State Building yeah uh in the mail room

where all the real work gets done you know what I'm talking about minimum wage folks hell yeah you got calluses on your hand from opening and filing envelopes. That's like a real Billy Joel, like a black Billy Joel experience.

Black Billy Joel. Who's a black Billy Joel? Billy Joel, dude. You can't tell me Billy Joel isn't black. He has the N-word pass, actually. He's one of the four. Has he said it publicly? No.

Randy Newman said it in the song. I love it One of those Like old white singer songwriters That writes nothing about like The blue collar white experience Wrote a song about being like A poor black person

Wait Randy Newman does Yeah Yeah No just like a Billy Joel song About Yeah If he covered What was that

What was it Dynamite That Dynamite Hacks song They covered Oh yeah Boys in the Hood Yeah Boys in the Hood Yeah Yeah, Boys in the Hood. It's Billy Joel doing it. With some gay-ass piano instrumental. I can't even mimic.

What's Billy Joel? He has fucking Uptown Girl. Uptown Girl. Well, that's 80s Joel, dude. Compton girl, she's never been railed out by a Jew from Long Island. And now she's getting fucked for the first time. That's weird. By Billy first time that's weird by Billy Joel that's me

I've written myself into this song Billy Joel doesn't fuck good I'm the hero in this song there's no way Billy Joel fucks good

I don't know considering how ugly his daughter came out I can attest to that the better you fuck the hotter your kids are exactly if you fuck well

you get a hot daughter. If not, you get Alexa, whose journey through cutting herself has been well documented in the media. That's got to be awful. She's had such a terrible life. Well, her parents are Christy Brickman. Billy Joel's daughter,

whose tribute to her through his music is naming a fucking boat after her. Oh, the Downeaster Alexa? His daughter has struggled with her weight. He's like, I'm going to write a song after you but you're gonna be the tugboat that's me that's the no anytime dinner was ready just be like dude you know what's hilarious isn't her mom christy brinkley yeah yeah so famous model she's she's a shitty she sings like christy brinkley And she looks like Billy Joel It's like she inherited She inherited

Billy Joel's like boxing injuries These are her facial features Like cauliflower Wait he was a boxer? Yeah I think so briefly Oh wow Yeah How did that get successful

Billy Joel Like he's extremely talented What are you talking about? What are you listening to? Billy Joel's amazing I don't know There's a manager You're coming for Billy Joel?

There's a manager in 1972 He's like, I got an act for you guys, okay? Earlier than that, dude Billy Joel's been making music since 1937 Dude, can we turn Shark Tank off? Oh, sorry I left Shark Tank on in the background I was trying to get

This is what I do as I get business ideas from Shark Tank I'm going to be a father-son team Trying to get, this is what I do as I get business ideas from Shark Tank. I'm going to be a father-son team trying to get on QVC. Do you guys want to go to Shark Tank? Can we pitch Comptown to Shark Tank? Yeah, of course. We just basically talk and we say the N-word sometimes. Damon, we'll give you 3% for $500 million.

And we make better deals with everyone else. All right, this was just for Damon. Well, it's always the worst ideas to get money on this show. I love that it's a guy that comes on, and he's like, this is basically a new suit and breathing apparatus for firefighters. This is estimated to save millions of lives a year. And they're like,

this is the worst idea I've ever heard in my life. Get the fuck out of here. And then the next guy's like, oh, it's fucking googly eyes that you can stick on your refrigerator and mark cuban's like uh 80 billion dollars for 10 percent of the company you're a genius because all these people make trash yeah it's all dumb shit the woman just makes she's qvc she makes tiny furniture for your jewelry that's like what she made her riches off of mark cuban has the mavericks and what is he what he he like stole money from the internet he's a tech yeah he's some some some

sort of tech guy yeah and everyone else is who's that fucking fat canadian gay guy the bald guy uh kevin o'leary mr wonderful yeah he's a piece of shit yeah i think he's running for parliament in canada or like he wants to be head of the conservatives. Yeah, when he makes deals with people, do the people get Canadian money? Yeah. Is that a super element of the show? He gives them loonies. Yeah, yeah.

Toonies and loonies? Yeah. Fuck Canada. Loonies are just frozen bits of making syrup, right? They have cartoon money. Fucking looney tunes money. It's just little pieces of moose horn. That was good, dude.

Thank you. No, I get it. It's called Looney's and Toonies and then there's a show called Looney Tunes. That's crazy, dude. That's brilliant joke writing. Beach ass motherfucker. All right, well,

I'm going to give you that joke. I'll give you 3% for $12. On the back end. I just want to go around making Shark Tank deals all the time. You know? Let's try it. On the train and on the bus. Weren't we talking about something before Shark Tank?

Nick has an invention. We're talking about Billy Joel. Right, yes. Oh, yeah, yeah. I do have an... Well, my idea, my business idea, but it would require licensing shit from, you know, DC, and I can't do that. No.

Yeah. You can't just say... My idea can't be like, oh, Batman stuff. I just use Batman stuff. Ben, oh, our guest today is Ben. We can't say his last name because he's worried about people finding him. Hello.

Yeah. You can say it, it's fine. Benjamin Franklin. He's in Hezbollah, so. You can say it, you can say it. His name's Benjamin Franklin. Ben Dreyfuss is here. I thought I had a good reason. Not to offend you guys. No, it's just stupid. It'sjamin franklin ben dryfuss is here i thought i had a good reason

it's not not to offend you guys no it's not actually ben dryfuss no who's ben dryfuss he's a piece of shit we'll just leave it louis he's not louis dry he's uh what's his name son yeah oh richard dryfuss richard's son yeah he writes for like slate or something he's he's a monster he's disgusting there's no better celebrity son than chet ben o'brien is the guest benny what's up are you uncomfortable with us no no no you can say it i was more it's just not in the seo yeah it's just like he's ashamed of the show i'm ashamed i'm not ashamed of the show diehard comeboy by the way my man my man's been on from day one i'm i am a real diehard i often often have to close the window as people walk by.

That happens to me all the time. But Ben's got his own brand that predates Comptown. It's very successful. Very funny. Wham City. Wham City Bros.

So we'll just endorse that or plug it. Yeah, that was the first time. That's the live read that I paid for. That was $7,000. They put me on... Yeah, Ben made me have my TV debut. I was on Adult Sw for. That was $7,000. They put me on... Yeah, Ben made me have my TV debut.

I was on Adult Swim for one second. Oh, yeah, that's right. You and Dan. You were cops of a YouTube video. They aired it at 4 a.m. on Adult Swim. I think I gave you the credit. What did I give you the credit of? Stupid.

Fat, stupid cop or something like that. Everyone else was like cop one, cop two. It should just be... No, fat, stupid paramedic. It should be a guy who ate the better time two. It should just be... No, fat, stupid, paramedic. It should be a guy who ate the better time slot. It should be your credit on Adult Swim. You guys... Wait, so you were on Adult Swim for two seconds?

Have you had any other TV credits? I'm going to be on IFC for actually a good amount of time late at night. The Incredibly Fat Channel, guys. No, the Is Fucking Cool Channel. Actually, a good amount of time at late at night. The Incredibly Fat Channel, guys. No, the Is Fucking Cool Channel. Bitch, that's actually what it is. It's the Is Fucking Cool Channel.

Anyway, so yeah, Benny's here. He's visiting. We're actually going to get a big fat steak after this. That's right. Oh, where are you going? That's how we bond. Peter Luger. We literally are going to Peter Luger. Really? The burger is good. Can I come? Mid-Rezzie's for two, man. This is me and Ben's thing. Oh, man. That's right Oh where are you going That's how we bond Peter Luger We literally are going to Peter Luger Really

The burger is good Can I come Mid-Rezzie's for two man This is me and Ben's thing Oh man Alright So me and Nick are gonna go We can get steaks

Next time together guys Whatever dude We'll do some other cool shit I want I don't want to get steaks with you Yeah we're going to the batting cage We're going to Chelsea Piers after this And we're not fucking inviting you ever

Come on You're never coming Because I have a thing with my friend from before yeah that's not fair it's totally fair I want to come

to Chelsea Piers you're not allowed to have friends we've already talked about this we're the only friends we're allowed to have

we're only allowed to be friends with each other and no one else that definitely was you didn't teach Ben any of our songs did you

of course not okay good actually we were watching Band of Brothers last night and there's like a scene you know how ross plays drill instructor ross yeah yeah and easy company you have to do better easy company nazis are bad right ross juice did you kill nicole Juice, did you kill Nicole?

Juice! Juice! We were on a break! So he fucking... Yeah, there's this scene where they're all running up the mountain. He's like, we're running curry again! And they fucking run up the mountain. And then they all start singing a song. And then Ross just looks all dejected because he didn't learn the song.

All the army boys learned a song without me. You guys can't learn songs without me. I think I have a fucking career. Has he been anything since French? David Schwimmer? I think he's like old Hollywood money. He's like a Beverly Hills high school kid. How is he? Do you just know fun facts about David Schwimmer?

I don't even. Do Rachel now. Adam has a trapper keeper at home filled with pictures of David Schwimmer. I don't even, I make up the situation. Yeah, do Rachel now. Yeah, what? Adam has a trapper keeper at home filled with pictures of David Schwimmer. It's a Lisa Frank trapper keeper. And it's, yeah,

I'm crazy for Ross. He's getting bullied in middle school for Ross being your favorite character. Yeah. I never watched it. Everyone else is like,

Joey's the best. Joey's tight. He eats and he fucks. I do like Joey for that reason, actually, now that I think about it. My Israeli cousins would always say, Adam, you're such a chandelier. I had no idea what that meant. Chandler sucked, dude. Chandler was so gay.

Basically, all of them are trash. Chandler was the snarky one. Joey eats and fucks. Joey's good. He's just dumb. That's his whole character. His character is that he's retarded, right? No, he eats and fucks he's

not retarded he's italian oh yeah this was before very similar men you were autistic this is this was when you could just be dumb and be laughed at for being yeah but he wasn't again be fun and dumb now it's a medical condition yeah you can be dumb and fuck and be cool what if this guy's shark tank idea is just hot women yeah no i i would love to see i would just love to go to jockey and be like it's women you pay to fuck i've got my cousin and she'll fuck anyone i think i've got a couple of chippies i told the story already on the podcast when i was in community college i took like a marketing class there was these two yeah there's two dudes that were like basically the the idea is a 24-hour beer, weed, and cigarettes delivery. And you guys were underage.

No, they were probably like 25. Which makes it worse. You're 25 years old and you're still like, yeah, weed. I need to incorporate weed into my homework assignments. Yeah, dude. I love fucking smoking. It's like making a bong in ceramics class trying to get it. That's actually

tight. Did you ever do that? Everybody did that. I didn't do it, but people did it all the time. I never made a bong. I made a G-bong. You guys want to make a G-bong and get fucked up? Yeah, it gets so high. Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah, let's go. I love making bongs out of fucking trash.

That's what G-Bongs are. Yeah, you just put an old milk carton in a bathtub. You can use anything, dude. Gatorade bottles. Any Gatorade bottles. What's the dumbest shit you've ever smoked out of? An Altoid tin, probably. Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, we used to make pipes out of just like... Tins, remember the pins? Yeah. Tin foil. The tin foil pipe. Childhood is basically jail. And then it's like... You know? I mean, mean you fucking you make dumb shit out of dumb shit and then you want like the biggest prizes for your ramen and doritos right you're dreaming if you're lucky like kids

when you're like in elementary school that smoked they're smoked way too early. There were kids that were like eight that were smoking. You're like, what are you doing? What are you talking about? Really? In fucking Montgomery County? One or two. Crazy. Definitely kids that smoked cigarettes. And he smoked with cigarettes.

There were dudes dropping acid and fucking in seventh grade at my school. That's a little older. It was hillbilly though. You went to hillbilly school, right? There were kids fucking in my seventh grade. I school you went to like a little older it was hillbilly though it was hillbilly yeah you went to hillbilly school right there were kids fucking in my seventh grade i remember hearing about it and just being absolutely shocked dude exactly i was in gym i got a i got sad and afraid i remember exactly what happened i was in gym we just played basketball i was feeling good about myself and there's just like fucking black kids on the side this one kid has an awesome

afro and they're literally just like making fun of some girl because they all fucked her. And they're like, oh, shut up, y'all. And I'm just like, yeah, she sucked my dick. And I was like, what the fuck? And I'm like eavesdropping. They're like, hey, yo, he listening. And they just made fun of me. I was like, huh?

I just left in a huff because I was so fucking scared. I remember it. They catch me listening to them fucking, talking about fucking. I remember two kids fucked the summer after sixth grade, and I still to this day remember their first and last name, both of them. Say them right now. Did you watch? No.

Say them right now. No, I'm not going to say their first name. It was a kid named Eldon and a girl named Alicia. And now their last names? Alicia Keys. Eldon Baylor. Eldon Campbell, the old center for the Los Angeles Lakers. Okay, yes.

Elton Brand. Elton Brand. When I was a kid, I was going through my mom's underwear drawer camera I was looking for. Oh, I remember. The second one from the top. I know the underwear drawer. I found what I thought was a condom, and I freaked out, but it was just like one of those eggs legs. You know, those like...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just plastic, but I was such an idiot that I thought... How old were you? A condom was like a plastic egg that you put over your dick. That you melt over your dick. It was cool. I like threw it. Oh, God.

I think I was probably seven. Did your mom fuck? Yeah. Nice. We found my friend's mom's vibrator one time i don't know why we were going through their shit but he found his i was watching him pull the vibrator out of her like nightstand and his mom was so hot and he's like what the fuck is this he was like no he was like our fight and we were like yes It was in your mom's pussy. Let me smell it.

It's like, get out! Everyone, get out right now! That is an emergency for a kid with a hot mom. She's like, Zach, why is there a bunch of saliva all over my vibrator? All my friends were over. Yeah, why does it smell like gushers? Yeah. Why is there that candy spray of Aaron's wrappers

that's such a funny visual like a bunch of like 12 year olds sucking off like a huge dildo because they're

like it was on your mom's pussy it's not gay because it touched your mom's pussy just giving

everyone taking turns sucking it off and then they're just sucking each other's spit off of it I had a manager at a pizza restaurant I worked at, and he told me this story.

He was like, when he was in junior high, him and his friend would put socks over each other's dick and then jack each other off. What the fuck? No, that's not gay. Well, he's like, it's not gay because there's socks involved. No, that just makes it gay with a foot fetish element. That's so much gayer, actually. If you do that, if two guys jerk each other off

but they're both thinking about women, that's called parallel sex. What me and my friends do is we get those sticks that have the dinosaur head on the top that you make a bite with your claw and then we jerk each other off from a distance. What I do is I climb into one of those claw machines at Dave and Buster's.

You guys have to get the claw right over my dick and pull it up and down. And it's not gay, dude, because it's so hard to do. Because it's so difficult. So it's an accomplishment. Do you remember that thing? Yeah, one of those with a fucking pocket pussy on the top and try and jerk each other off

that actually sounds hilarious that's actually a mini game in the next Mario Party I really think you guys should do a one where you're around a table and you're all jacking off

under the table while you're trying to have a conversation I'm pretty sure that's what Texas Hold'em is I've never played but based on the name no that's true

when you go all in, that's when you just come in everyone else's mouth. Yeah. Do you remember that thing, the stranger, which was like, if you sit on your hands

and then it goes numb? Then you jerk someone else's off on the bus? Well, yeah, that's the joke. Yeah, you go outside and you find a stranger and you suck his finger. And he fucks you in the ass

while you give him a thumbs up with that numb hand. The thing is, you don't even feel that did you ever stranger yourself no i could never get it to work i was just good enough with my imagination to pretend that i was you know yeah yeah see i would just normally go numb anytime i had an erection i'd start having flashbacks And then I would Pass out No not emotionally

Yeah Bad circulation I would black out And then you know Wake up You had just such High blood pressure As a kid

The second you got an erection Yeah You just ate Cheetos And Slim Jims Yeah Oh man Just play this Tony Soprano

I one time After I watched Road trip i don't know if i told this story i put a candle in my ass oh man you know why that's so funny is because you already look like a pumpkin you just made yourself a jack-o'-lantern? Yeah, I lit it at the end. I was just walking around whenever there's a blackout. I'm like, I can do this, Mom. I know a trick.

The jack-o'-lanterning. Yeah. There we go. The jack-off-lantern. It just hurt my ass. I didn't like it too much. That's weird that you didn't love it. You've got to like the camera. Why did you do that?

Because Stifler put stuff in his ass and he beat it. No, you wanted Stifler to like you. No, I wanted to come the way Stifler came. I was doing it

because I wanted Stifler from Road Trip to like me. No, dude. Stifler came hard as shit in Road Trip. It would be great if that was one of those pre-teen epidemics

that the local news covered. That it's like, this movie is dangerous. Teens are shoving candles in their asses and the paraffin wax melts and they're getting paraffin poisoning. You know what's funny? I didn't even realize

how important the movie Road Trip was to me beating off as a young child. The first time I ever beat off, I was thinking about the fat black woman from Road Trip. I think I told this story. Wait, she was like a stand up What's her name?

No not Lunell Leslie Jones Yeah No she's so fat Stav jacks off to Leslie Jones No no I don't But I've never seen That is the only person

Stav's attracted to I've never been off to The only person I can come thinking about Is Leslie Jones Yeah Just her screaming No it was a fucking It was a sexy fat black girl

From Road Trip The guy that The one the nerd fucks You remember that? In like the black fraternity yeah just her screaming no it was a fucking it was a sexy fat black girl from road trip the guy that the one the nerd fucks you remember that in like the black fraternity house road trip i don't remember it at all i beat off more than i remember you road trip oh road trip was uh tom green oh yeah yeah we had to get this that boston austin confusion yes yes yeah yeah i remember that movie now because he accidentally makes a tape of him. There's so many tape elements in those movies. Right, right, right. People are always recording things.

Yeah. Ron Green's moment. It was before you could just text a fucking sex tape. Have you guys seen Freddy Got Fingered recently? No. It's a masterpiece. It was a great movie. It's incredible.

It's very good. I really thought that it was going to be one of those movies that I liked when I was younger that was just retarded when I grew up. A lot of movies are like that, but it is. I cannot believe they got money from a studio to make that movie. Yeah, it's really stupid. It's just insane. I can't believe that they meant getting fingered was literally getting fingered.

Oh, yeah. When I watched it, I was like, oh, wow. They put it in the title. Innuendo. Yeah, yeah. Freddie gets fucked in his mouth, in parentheses, by a penis. when I watched it I was like oh wow yeah put it in the title innuendo yeah yeah I mean it was so stupid Freddy gets fucked in his mouth in parentheses

by a penis yeah all those comedy movies they would release a movie then they would release like the special unrated edition right right there was more titties

and shit yeah yeah yeah the director's cut there was a lot of seriously go back and check out Roach there's plenty of titties I shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The director's cut. There's a lot of... Seriously, go back and check out Roach. There's plenty of titties. I would like to see if that... I want to watch the scene that I first beat off to.

I want to watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but with 95% more penis. Yeah. A special, unrated director. Jason Segel's got a nice piece. That was when they made comedies, like, feature. Comedy features. Like, there were, like, a bunch that came out every year. I still do that.

Nobody watches. Just no one watches. Sully, dude, that movie was hilarious. Did you see that? Yeah. That shit was so funny. Ben just saw fucking... Ben, can you edit this?

Can you take Sully the movie and put in the monster from Monsters, Inc.? Absolutely. Just replace in every scene. Do you think? Yes. Ben's good at computers and shit. We can do that. I mean, you guys scene. Yeah. Yes. Ben's good at computers and shit. We can do that. I mean,

you guys are. Yeah. Yeah. No, we can't. Minority report shit was so funny. That, I pee my pants.

I think about that for a time. That shit is so good. For real, check out Wham City. They're funny. We added a second ending to it where Robbie edits himself into When Harry Met Sally.

Just the orgasming scene. And all it does is it's like a cutaway to him looking confused. And then it just keeps cutting back to him, and he's just reacting to it. Is he in the restaurant? Did you shoot it in Cats? No, no, it's green screen. He did it really shitty, which is part of the job.

That's so good. I always wanted to do like redo that scene but it's a woman actually trying to fake a realistic orgasm yeah because she has like the most shampoo commercial orgasm in that fucking scene yeah and he's supposed to be like wow i guess they really can fake orgasm right right right it's gotta be grunting and blinking weird fuck my ass that was the bit I guess I think we mentioned that on another episode I think so

you did I know because I've listened to every episode honestly just ask me whenever I fucking whenever I don't know

if we talked about something I go to Ben immediately Ben is the maybe one of the foremost come historians it's true it's true I remember it all

of all time so there's fuck there's a there's a tweet going around right now. Amber's showing us hate mail. No, no. It's a nice tweet about Comptown. Are we live right now?

Guys, please do me a favor. Don't ever mention the podcast on Twitter, even in a positive context, because I'll find a way to feel bad about it. Nah, fuck Nick. Fuck what Nick says. We have to protect Nick's feelings. Yeah. That's why I do this show.

We need to mobilize all of Twitter. This is supposed to be a safe space for me. The internet is supposed to be a safe space for me. Stormfront is supposed to be a safe space

for people like me. And then you... I'm going to go on Stormfront and complain about that. I'm going to post for a couple weeks and as soon as someone

criticizes me, I'm going to complain about how it's supposed to be a safe space for a couple weeks and as soon as someone criticizes me, I'm going to complain about how it's supposed to be a safe space for white men. My friend Max is allowed to criticize me. That's so good. How dare you say that? Just posting pictures of myself naked.

Placid dick. Are you smiling for some reason? Are you looking like shit? What do you guys think of my powerful white body remember i represent all of us my friend was sending me um screenshots of like the boards on stormfront but like having the dudes having just the most inane conversations there was like a a thread about the weather yeah one of them's like yeah i like it when it's hot but i also like it when it's cold like i went to florida and it was too hot for me but then i just went in the pool

and then it was okay it's just like all these fucking my favorite my favorite thread ever was somebody went to see like either the golden compass or like one of those narnia movies yeah it was one of those bullshit fantasy movies that came out in like 2009 and there was one guy that was like you know i was really enjoying it until, and then I don't want to, I mean, it's hard R N-word. He's like, until the goddamn N-word centaurs showed up. And that was his big gripe with the movie

is they made the centaurs black. And he's like, this liberal Hollywood bullshit. I'm just trying to watch an extremely not gay movie about magic and fairies. I was on a message board or like a nazi message because i just always am half of the forums for bald men are nazi yeah no it's true and uh they have great tips about cutting your hair is anyone on propesia can i just get a bunch of tiny swastikas tattooed on my scalp until it looks like hair? But they were talking about Simpsons and trying to just figure out whether or not it was okay to watch it.

Because they're like, they're yellow. They're Chinese. Yeah, well, they're yellow. But I think that means they're just white. But I can't. What do they do about Lenny and Carl? Lenny's the black one, right? No, Lenny's the white one.

Carl's the black one. Carl's the black one. I always confuse them. Yeah, because the white one goes, Carl. Yeah, true. Yeah, what do they do about Carl? I don't know. I think they probably hate crime him. Yeah, Carl, Lou, and then I think those are the only black characters.

Oh, no, sorry. Dr. Hibbert, Bleeding Gums Murphy. There's plenty of POC representation on The Simpsons. That hilarious. Barney's trans, technically. A poo is kind of problematic. It's so funny how racist a poo is. That's really problematic.

A doo-doo-doo-doo. It's a white dude, Danny. He's just grandfathered in. I know. Yeah, no one can criticize Hank Azaria. It's tough. Also, the Chinese doctor or whatever. What is that doctor?

Dr. Nick? Yeah, Dr. Nick. He's like Eastern European. Also, the Chinese doctor or whatever. What is that doctor? Dr. Nick? Yeah, Dr. Nick. He's like Eastern European. Yeah, yeah. Which is fair game. You can do anything you want with Eastern European. Okay, good. Fuck Albania.

The Mexican bee. Fuck Albania. Fuck Eldest. Yeah, the Mexican bee. That's based on this lobster character or something that was on one of those Mexican Univision. Univision is the most racist. Like,

if a white person was behind that, it would be the biggest, it would be a hate crime. Yeah. It's so funny. It's just Mexicans and big,

big, fake titties, which, yeah. I don't understand how that's racist, though. It's a channel for Mexican people

produced in Mexico. But they're like, they have like, they're like, you're just watching something diverse and you're like, this is the most racist thing ever.

Dude, the NBA is so racist. They look like, have like they're like she's just watching something diverse and you're like this is the most racist thing ever yeah yeah yeah dude the NBA is so racist they look like they all are in like Mexican face like every woman is just like it feels racist

to watch it I don't know that's all I'm saying anybody gonna say anything here or no we're all waiting to go to the bathroom I gotta piss real

fucking bad and Adam just went in there you guys can't wait oh he's getting coffee well that's why that went in there you guys can't wait oh he's getting coffee well that's why that's the problem yeah i can't wait she can go away me and ben will just chat for that's fine seconds nah i'll stay here so uh i've been watching a shit ton of what i like to call the intimans donut goatee seagal era films. Yeah, we watched one last night. Anything post 2000... Dude, let me check off some of the calls.

Probably 2011 or 12. So the last four years of Seagal movies. And he's never been particularly an active guy. Under siege era, he's in good shape. No, he's in Above the Law. First of all, what people don't realize about Seagal is that when Above the Law came out,

he was already like 34 years old. Right. He wasn't a young guy. So his first movie, he was already, you know, like getting on. And you can see his hairline's fucked up in that movie. Yeah. It's all like thin, you know, in the front. And then in Hard to Kill, his hairline's fixed.

And, you know, he's a little bit fatter. And he just got progressively fatter throughout his entire career come on dude it's part of the fucking podcast Amber sorry yeah that was back in the day when you didn't have to be cut

yeah well now he's 65 years old and he's in his 60s his body sucks he's still making movies where it's like we need to send our best special forces guy.

And then he spends half the movie in a chair. He refuses to get up. So we watched last night Sniper Special Ops, and there's no colon. It's Sniper Special Ops. And that's because

the Tom Barringer Sniper series are not related to Sniper Special Ops. And he does maybe five seconds of sniping it's right in the beginning he refuses to take his sunglasses off while looking through the sniper rifle so he's wearing these dumb fucking like snowboarding sunglasses while like looking down this rifle and then when they show the enemies in the reticle they're like five feet

away they're taking up the entire scope so he's probably you know like 10-5 feet away. They're taking up the entire scope. So he's probably, you know, like 10, five feet away from these guys and missing. They let him miss. He refuses to take it off. You're saying you think Steven Seagal, the actor is like,

no, absolutely not. I'm not getting out of this chair. I'm not taking off. Yes. 100%. I guarantee you that's what it is. Yeah.

Cause the thing about all these movies is, is they're all produced by a steamroller productions which he owns what that's like a chinese oh god steven seagal's company he owns it with some like indonesian guy or something it's like when you work at a restaurant you have to wait on the owner of the restaurant yeah yeah um so you know all these people then he brings all these fucking old fucks out of retirement so it's like you know like rob Winkle, like dying wrestlers. Yeah, it's all like retired WWE guys. Oh, I've got to check this out.

In Sniper Special Ops, it's like... Oh, RVD? RVD's in it. In Sniper Special Ops, he's like... He's the lingo guy. I love it. Yeah, he's playing like... They're part of this special ops team,

and they're all like... The minimum age is 51 years old. And they're part of this special ops team, and they're all in... The minimum age is 51 years old. And they're in Afghanistan somewhere. Of course. And then they show their commander, who's a major, and because it wouldn't make sense... Yeah, he's a colonel,

and it wouldn't make sense if he was their age. So they have an 87-year-old man. In army clothes. Really? He's a fucking 87 year old man in army clothes really well i don't know if we can get up that mountain by sunrise i had a dividing rods tells me there's gold in them hills you know and it just doesn't make any sense yeah yeah it's so i mean seagal is like he literally puts such minimum effort into the action like the way he fires the gun is like i can't even describe it like just sort of like the podcast yeah he's just like limp wristedly fire the gun

like not even looking where he's shooting at no there's uh there's one scene in sniper special ops where he's working some radio and he's just sort of lazily pointing the gun at the window next to him in case anyone comes. Because it's understood that he never really has to aim the gun. Oh, yeah. His partner also gets shot and he needs to drag him away. And it's clear that he's, like, connected to, like, some sort of wire. Yeah. And, like, you see him pulling the guy.

He's just touching. He's just touching of wire. Yeah. And like you see him pulling the guy and he's like literally he's just touching his shoulders. Yeah. And then the fucking body moves across the ground as to all the stuff. Oh, I'm so jealous.

I literally almost peed my pants. Anything post-2012 is like this. And he's got one of those Oh, and he talks like a black person now. Yeah. Well, that started with Glimmer Man and one of those oh and he talks like a black person now yeah well that started

with Glimmer Man and it's progressed where now he talks like a slave he's like a he's a jazz man now oh hell you know these

motherfuckers don't don't have the patience he's Prop Joe he talks like Prop Joe I got a proposition for you I already told these motherfuckers

if they want any of my business they're going to have to come around here and cut me off cut me off a little something like that you know maybe we'll maybe do a little mission here in a minute he should play a black guy in the next

yeah yeah he should he plays a black guy in Glimmer Man for whatever reason he stops being Chinese and he's black in that movie it is a cool type of older black guy like the guy the older black Black guy in Glimmer Man. It's like, for whatever reason, he stops being Chinese and he's black in that movie. It is a cool type of older black guy. Like the guy, the older black, we were talking about this last night, the older black guy that's really into Asian shit.

Oh, yeah. Which is sort of the original anime nerd. Which is the precursor. It's the precursor to that. Right, the precursor. You know, like 19... The John the Black... Yeah, in the 70s

when kung fu movies blew up, like there was a bunch of black guys that got into martial arts. Wu-Tang. That's kind of the birth of black nerds. Yeah. Wu-Tang is responsible for a lot of black nerd culture. Yeah, for sure.

For sure. But yeah, so he has just become one of those older black men that's into Asian stuff. Yeah. But eventually, I want to see him do a full blackface movie. Yeah. I think if anyone's going to do it, it's going to be him. Well, what's on the queue is Asian Connection, which I want to watch with him. What a fucking retarded name. I wonder what the connection is and what it's referring to.

It's the connection between Steven Seagal and the dialysis machine. It's the fucking stint in his arm. dialysis machine it's the fucking stint in his arm yeah they go like through his like special ops dossier like on the computer and there's a picture of him young and we were joking around last night it's from a movie it's from another movie yeah it's like 30 years yeah it's from like yeah the fucking it's the same universe they're all in the same universe cover for sniper special ops they've just photoshopped his fat head on someone else's body yes as poorly as they possibly man that's so i love his fat no they just they fucking pump these movies out the other one we watched the other night a good man that's barely a title it's all three words yeah a good man yeah where he

plays he played the good man yeah he's the good man of course and so basically the plot is this he's like uh some kind of x special it's always x special force right right and he's living in uh he's living in bucharest and uh he uh you know just has an apartment and he's been tracking this uh weapons dealer that got away when he murdered all these people that killed his part they have a flashback scene in the beginning where you see him sneaking into some building, just fatly going around corners, while his special ops partner, who looks like a fucking homeless person.

This guy's like, again, 57, 60 years old, emaciated, shitty, like fucking, you know, like Civil War general. Fu Manchu type shit. Yeah, yeah, that kind of shit. You know, like McC War General Fu Manchu type shit. Yeah, yeah, that kind of shit. You know, like McClellan. That's what he was. Yes, yes.

And he's like, we got to get in. You got two tangos on your left, you know. This homeless guy in the woods on Overwatch and Steven Seagal. And then like a thing blows up and some girl dies. And so he's upset. So he wants to go find this weapons dealer who's a Chinese guy. And he's in Bucharest, and he's killing these Russian gangsters. And his calling card when he kills them is he leaves some incense on the ground

and then just scribbles some bullshit in Chinese. And so his neighbor, who's this woman who's having trouble getting into her apartment one day and has a young girl with her, he's like, need a little help. And then he just breaks into her apartment for her or whatever. And then they're in there and he's like, your kid's nice or whatever. And she's like, yes, I love my sister. And then you see that's supposed to let you know, yeah, her pussy isn't ruined. That's her sister., I love my sister. And then you see, like, that's supposed to be, like, let you know, like, yeah, her pussy isn't ruined. That's her sister. It's not her daughter.

And then Seagal's like, your sister, huh? They make these young actors. That's what the implication is. And then the plot gets really fucking convoluted. Awesome. Yeah. So the arms dealer is doing a deal with a Russian mob who he's not really interested in, but the Russian mob owns the neighbor

and the sister because her dad owed them money. So when the dad died, she had to become a bartender in their strip club. Not a stripper. Not a whore, by the way. Not a prostitute. They just make her be a bartender. She's pure. But then she still has a really nice apartment.

The Russian mafia sounds pretty reasonable. Right, yeah. So the Russian mafia loses all their money or something, and they owe money to the arms dealer. And so instead of giving him the money, they're like, we will give you the girl instead. So she's their slave? Their slave, basically.

But the arms dealer, I don't know why he would want a girl he's like no it's two million dollars i want just some fucking middle-aged romanian woman you know and then he was like he's like deal and then they bring the little girl instead of like the main one and he's like well i guess i can sell her to a pedophile. So he lines up a sale with a pedophile. And then the pedophile shows up. What the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's three human transactions in this movie.

Yeah. And then Seagal shows up with this other guy. He does this thing now where he brings a younger martial artist in, and they do the majority of the ass kicking. Right, right. And then, so seagal does barely nothing seagal meets the younger guy and he's like all right i'll help you but you got to do everything my way and then the guy does everything for himself seagal does literally nothing they

save the guy or they save the girl and then at the end of the movie the neighbor is just like you know basically like well i can't thank enough. And then he just fucks her. He just fucks up a woman. Even though there's been no romantic connection between the two. He's older than her by 40 years. They make these poor young actresses that are never going to get any other work. Well, the fucking scene is him fully clothed while she's naked and he's just touching her body. Yeah, he's still wearing his

sunglasses. God damn, that's so awesome. And that's Steven Seagal's definition of a good man. Yeah, that's the good man. Fuck, man. I want to watch this. I'm jealous. Dude, they're so good. Do they ever say good

man in the movie no they don't that's a big disappointment yeah but i mean they're filled with like basically every trope that you know from the 80s you know like there's another one i watched code of honor last night and it opens up with you know like a bunch of different types of gangs meeting in some meeting area you know so there's bikers and then like yakuza and then black eyes and russians and they meet and they of course have and Russians and they meet. And they, of course, have briefcases and they're like, you got the stuff. And it's like, I want to see the money first.

Right. Right. And it's like, I don't even know where you buy a suitcase anymore. Yeah. Like that. How much the props department spent days looking for a suitcase to put that money in. I this is at this point, this is like an anecdote like a triple you know filtered down anecdote i was it was sylvester stallone on a different podcast but still we're talking about sigal he said stallone said that he was like in hollywood

or whatever and he saw sigal crying it was at a studio he saw sigal crying on like a stoop and he was just like he's like what are you crying what are, and he was just like, he's like, what are you crying? What are you crying for, Steven? What are you crying for? Yeah, and he's like, I just read the most beautiful screenplay I've ever read in my life. And I was like, oh my God, who wrote it? And he's like, I did. And I just choose to believe that.

That's 100% true. I was saying, I tweeted at him, I really want to write a movie where Steven Seagal kills James Bond. I don't want to license James Bond. You get Putin to produce that. Yeah, yeah. You could make that in Russia. He's best friends with Putin already.

You could do it and you just imply really heavily that it's James Bond without ever saying it. No, I want to use the name James Bond. Who's this James Bond motherfucker? Nobody says that name twice to me. I'm Gwailon James. Can we just make a shitty action movie? Yeah, maybe. That would be awesome.

As shitty as those movies look, they still cost probably $4 million. I know, but you know what I'm saying. Just like, whatever, dude. Let's do a feature length. We'll rent some Humvees. It's not that hard. Yeah, yeah. We've got to take a break.

We have messages. Oh, shit. I don't even know if I should say that. But we're taking a break. We'll be right back. Goodbye. Hey, guys. Nick don't even know if I should say that. But we're taking a break. We'll be right back. Goodbye. Hey, guys. Nick here, the original come boy, the leader, the gearhead, the worst one on the show, the one that should probably kill himself.

And I have a special message just for listeners of Comptown. Guys, if you know me, you know I'm one of the people that pulls their pants all the way down to pee at the urinal. And no, it's not because I have a neurological disorder. It's actually because I'm trying to show off my fancy underwear. That's right, folks. I've got good underwear, and I got it at macweldon.com. And I went online, and it was really easy to just go to their website and order underwear directly from them without the shame and humiliation of having to go into a store and explain to cashiers and all the customers that I had to replace my old underwear because

I don't know how to wipe myself. I'm a very impatient wiper. So to order online, it was great for me. It was one of the easiest shopping experiences I've ever had. And they're the most comfortable underwear I've ever owned in my life. And they got other stuff too. They got some crewnecks, scarves, socks. They got a silver line of underwear and undershirts that are naturally antimicrobial, which is a scientific term, which means they eliminate odor so you don't have to brush your teeth anymore, I'm pretty sure. And I stopped doing that actually. And they've got socks and underwear, crewnecks, scarves, hoodies that look good for any occasion. I'm talking staying in, gaming, maybe going out,

maybe coming back home to game more, going to the store, maybe going to a bris. You can wear these clothes to a bris, people. That's how nice these are. These are bris clothes. So, MackWeldon.com, check them out. Use promo code COMETOWN C-U-M-T-O-W-N to get 20% off. And tell you what, if you don't

like your first pair of underwear, you can call them up, complain about it, and they'll refund your money and you can go ahead and keep that pair of underwear it's on the house check them out macwildom.com and we're back and we're still watching shark tank the next episode starts in 14 seconds and from what i can tell it's two young black girls both wearing shirts with pictures of watermelon on them. Oh, geez. That's true. So I can only imagine what kind of awful shit I'm going to say. That is true.

Here's my idea for Shark Tank. It's a bicycle that sucks your dick. They already have those, dude. No. Well, they have a bicycle that has a dick in the seat. No, no, no. It's connected to the pedal. I'm talking a flashlight.

You move and it bobs. You're not listening. It's the opposite. It bobs up and down.bs it bobs they have that they have one with a head on it that moves back and forth does it? yeah

fuck fuck I'm devastated you're just not good at business what it means is I'm not a businessman you just have to make a better one stick to pussy eating comedy

I do want to be the world's foremost pussy eating comedian I think you are I think you are I don't think anybody else is trying to carve out that niche. Yeah. You've got that handled. Thank you.

Thank you guys. That means a lot. For me, it's more of a lifestyle decision. She really is wearing a shirt with a watermelon on it, dude. Nick. Chill, dude. Chill out. I am being chill.

I'm just saying. I mean, the sharks are going to notice that. They're sharks. Are they not going to say anything about that? You're right. There's blood in the water. Yeah. Delicious, sugary blood in the water.

Sorry. I know I'm stuck on it, but I'm stuck. It's a sassy-looking watermelon. All right. This would be the best way to troll Nick. I don't get it. It's just a fruit. What are you talking about, Nick?

Yeah. This would honestly be the best way to troll Nick I don't get it It's just a fruit What are you talking about Nick Yeah This would honestly be the best way to troll Nick Yeah Just bring something like this in the room And then no one comments And everyone would be like Yeah convince me I'm having like a schizophrenic episode What are you talking about man Their counter offer is just white women

These ladies are It's two white ladies selling something called soulmates Oh yeah Their counteroffer is just white women. These ladies are. It's two white ladies selling something called Soulmates. Oh, yeah. And it's S-O-L-E, not S-O-U-L, the black version, which is the other girls. Yes. You pour Jerry Curl Solution in your shoes. You know what I had stuck in my head for like a week?

You know that song Soulman? Yeah. I'm a soulman. But it's I'm a gay man yes yes how might it go i'm a gay man oh that's from that movie the gay brothers yeah the gay brothers 2000 where you just suck off 2 000 guys and fuck 2 000 men their hats are glued to their heads with cum. Also the movie Dome Heads, where they have regular heads, but they suck each other's dicks. It's a family that loves sucking.

Hell yes. Dome Heads, bitch. Yeah. What else? What else? Dan Aykroyd stuff we can make gay. Second titty. It's a fat man's tits. Ghost nut busters.

I love it so far. Yeah. But Ghostbusters is a movie starring women. Yeah, it is. What do you mean? They actually deleted all the copies of the original Ghostbusters. Wait. They had Kristen Wiig go from city to city burning every

DVD of Ghostbusters. That's what they're doing at the Million Woman March. She menstruated all over them and ruined it. So if you put it in your DVD player, it explodes and destroys your man cave. Everything in your man cave gets replaced with scented candles. It just turns your son gay

if you watch the old Ghostbusters. Needlepoint motivational. Home is where the heart is. Fuck, what was I going to talk about? Oh, here's something I want to talk about. Me and Ben were discussing. Do you guys think Bernie fucks good? Bernie Sanders?

Yeah. Sanders? I think Bernie fucks good for sure. I think he's all elbows. I think he fucks good. I think it's a lot of foreplay. I think Bernie's really... Well, I think he fucks good. I think it's a lot of foreplay. I think Bernie's really... Well, I think that...

I read a thing about how he... Just because you can't see, Amber looked disgusted at Adam with his elbows comment. She's not on mic. We're maxed out at four mics with the current gear set up. I was planning on purchasing something where we'd have additional inputs, but instead I got PlayStation.

Dude, we should get a giant studio. But two controllers for the PlayStation. That's true. So I was thinking about other people. We can play FIFA all the time together. Yeah. I think Bernie fucks good, man. And honestly, I like to think I fuck like Bernie.

You fuck like Bernie, Adam? You fuck like Hillary, Nick. Yeah. You're selfish when you fuck. What, you mean children think I fuck like Bernie. You fuck like Bernie, Adam? You fuck like Hillary, Nick. Yeah. You're selfish when you fuck. What, you mean children? I fuck children? Waffle of pizza? Yeah, exactly.

You fuck children. I heard that his basketball game is all, well, it's all hustle and all elbows. Who did you hear it from? Someone did a, I think it was a Desmond thing about they asked the guys. So you read about it. He plays pickup. Yeah. Hearing means you know guys that play basketball with Burlington.

Yeah, yeah. I just hung out at the Burlington, Vermont YMCA. Yeah. And there was an old man there in the corner. He was kind of like a bagger. This is the rock. I'm open. I'm open. I'm open, you fucking stooge.

I like your mafia Bernie Sanders impression. Is that a good Bernie? Stooge. In my perfect socialist world, everybody gets free gabagool. That's a great character, Italian Bernie Sanders. Well, my favorite character. Marron, the one percent. my favorite character Marron The one percent Oof Marron

These taxes Bernie Sendeduccio Sendeduccio Leone My favorite character Is rapist Jay Leno Still

Yeah yeah Come here bitch Oh yeah You think you can Wait for Jay No means yes Come here It's Sarge Viper

I'm gonna have sex with you. I guess you will. There's no exits in this garage. I've got 19 trucks to hide you in. So he's probably bad at sex because he's a car guy, right? Jay Leno's not good at fucking. Oh, he's definitely bad at sex. No way is Jay Leno good at fucking.

I love that fuck scene in Gone in 60 Seconds where they're like making childish fucking double entendres at each other. Like the stick shift. Angelina and Nick. And Nick Cage. I've never seen Gone in 60 Seconds. That movie is a piece of shit.

It's so weird because Nicolas Cage only does the best good movies. It's funny, when they let Nicolas Cage be Nicolas Cage, the movies are amazing. That's true. Have you seen Kiss of the Vampire? Yeah.

Vampire's Kiss. What is it called? Embrace of the Vampire. Something like that. No, it's Kiss of the Vampire. There's also Embrace of the Vampire, which has Alyssa Milano

naked in it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Extremely naked. It's awesome. It's fucking so good. And I know I say I beat off to a lot of things, but I remember specific beat off sessions to this piece of... Mark it down.

To this piece of... Open up the spreadsheet. Put it on the spreadsheet, Will. God, I love Embrace for Vampire. Dude, her titties are so out. Yeah. You know what's the best Alyssa Milano movie is? Like that made for TV Joey Botafuco movie.

Yeah. She plays Amy Fisher. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She plays Amy Fisher. Yeah. Yeah. Never saw it. Beat off to Charmed though. What? Yes. Beat off to Charmed. To Charmed. That other girl was in it too. They were all hot in Charmed. Did you have the candle in your ass while you were doing that also?

No. I have a question about the candle. Well maybe. I tried it a couple times. Yeah. I guess you know what's funny about the candle in the ass thing is that it immediately became a scented candle afterwards. It's not the kind of scent You want but A stanky candle Yeah What's your question

About the candle Ben When You must have been thinking About Stifler Yeah I was thinking about the nurse Putting fingers in his ass He has his eyes closed

And it's like Stifler like Come hang out with me Stoffer Thank you Stifler Nah dude Cause hang out with me, Stoffer. Thank you, Stifler. Nah, dude, because the nurse is so cool. Yeah. I'm willing to go gay

for friendship when I was 11 years old. Actually, probably. I probably could have been talked into like sucking someone off to be friends with them. Yeah.

Hey, we've all been there. Yeah, like right now. You guys want to suck each other off? You know, nobody wants to hang out with you at the lunch table. Yeah. How are you going to do it?

You have to do what you got to do. Right. Put on some knee pads and you make friends. Dip your fucking, just use chocolate milk as lube. Why? Because that's what you got at the lunch table, dude. Oh. Yeah, come on.

You want to go mayonnaise I guess probably mayonnaise In terms of If you had to be at Alright Using only cafeteria This is like Apollo 13 Yeah, yeah

This is all they had Yeah, yeah Apollo 69 What would make the best lube? I guess it is mayonnaise, right? Well, is there like salad dressings? You know what I always liked about You know how they say space is a vacuum?

And I'd like to imagine astronauts on a space shuttle, and then someone on the space shuttle is like, well, you know, space is a vacuum. And an astronaut's like, what? And they're like, yeah, it's a vacuum. And then he immediately sticks his dick out of the airlock to get sucked off by space. It's also like 100 degrees below zero.

That's what I like. A nice cold blow job. That's awesome. Yeah, put the ice... Well, people say you put ice in your mouth and suck dick or whatever. Well, you know they got...

I mean, they have to jack off somehow in space. I always love that term Eskimo brothers or whatever. Yeah. And it's like, do you think any Eskimos know about that? Yeah, what are the Eskimos brothers or whatever yeah and it's like do you think any Eskimos know about that

yeah what are the Eskimos up to well the Eskimo language is just the Eskimo language is people going oh snow snow snow snow

snow snow snow they have only words for snow yeah oh their brothers is the only word they have yeah

um there are actual Eskimo brothers you know yeah what do you mean I mean like there are Eskimos who have brothers sometimes know yeah what do you mean I mean like there are Eskimos

who have brothers sometimes they have brothers do they ever do they fuck the same do they only exclusively fuck are you allowed to fuck your brother's wife

in Eskimo culture is that why it's like yeah that's why they call it did you fuck my wife did you fuck my wife um what about a snowball fight you know what I mean

yeah yeah yeah it's the cum you both get your cum in your own mouth and then mouth and then you spit it into each other's mouth. What's the Eskimo word for that, folks? Write in. Let us know. Isn't that also just a retarded thing?

Like some idiot went to, you know, and just like they have different, like we have sleet or slush or ice. Yeah. And she was just a fucking idiot or he he was an idiot yeah yeah yeah it was like they have 30 words for snow it's 50 right whatever the fuck it is i don't think that's even true i think that's just some stupid ass anthropologist right yeah margaret mead stupid dumbass bitch yo speaking of funny shit from sociology and college and shit i remember i was in one of my classes they like one sociologist went to uh i was reading in one of my classes. One sociologist went to...

I was reading a chapter of a book. And one sociologist went to some culture like Papua New Guinea or some little island like that. And it was just... If you bonded with a little boy, he sucked your dick. That was cool. And that was the fucking fun thing to do over there. You were in Philly? You're talking about? Yeah, yeah.

We went to Philadelphia. Everyone's, like, sick. You can't judge it, though, because it's the culture. Yeah, and some little kid tried to suck the guy's dick while he was over there, and he was like, nah, I'm good, dude. I got a wife. And he's like, no, it doesn't matter. We're just friends.

Like, that's just, a thousand years ago, whoever was, like, the leader of that island was a pedophile. Yeah. And then he just got to do... Well, Greece was like that. Yeah. Well, no, that's how you learn quicker if someone fucks you in the ass. Japan was like that. It's completely different.

The samurais were pedophiles. Yeah, that's just... Some pedophiles were in power and just were like, this makes it easier to learn. Yeah. It's awesome. Yeah, how does that start? I think it's literally that i think people just someone likes to fuck but then so many people just go along with it like

he's just like all right i guess i'll get yeah dude that's kid that's what culture is man damn dude whoa yeah man fuck dude um i mean i guess that's normal uh normal. We like to do weird things in this culture, right? Like what? Name one thing that we do that's weird in this culture. We drink milk from other animals, bro. What? That's fucked up, man. Dude, it's like you fucking...

Some people fuck dogs. Yeah, that seems kind of tight, though. What if there was a coffee shop in New York that had breast milk? Like, they were like, breast milk only. I'm surprised that doesn't exist. Yeah, that should be a thing. I like that peak Lena Dunham brand feminism mid-last year when people were making yogurt and bread in their vagina.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that was the thing. It was like, this is empowering. and it's like, for who? Yeah, this is the weirdest shit. Who is that empowering for? Oh, shit, the CrossFit Games just came on. How is this still Shark Tank? All these hard bodies, dude. Dude, that's me.

If somewhere there's a sexy-ass shredded woman that wants to beat up a fat man and humiliate him sexually... Jesus, look at that woman's delts, dude. Just holler at me. At Stavi Baby on Instagram. S-T-A-V-V-Y Baby. Why is CrossFit? Why is it?

I don't even get it. People just want to work out. Because it's more involved than a regular gym. It's just more cult-like. Yeah, you can have friends. The way commercial gyms work is you sign up for a membership. There's all these bullshit fees. And then they say, you they say you know like oh and you can get a personal trainer also and you've already spent so much fucking money on the initial membership that you're like

no i don't need that i don't need any extras you already charged me a hundred dollar additional sign-up fee so they have the gym membership and they go once or twice and they don't know what the fuck they're doing and then they get discouraged and they never go back with crossfit like the first time you go there you know exactly what you're doing so it's like having a personal trainer but it's not like that weird one because anybody that has a personal trainer the gym looks like a fucking asshole yeah you know you go to a commercial gym it's for like you know divorced men that have never done a push-up in their life yeah and they're trying to fuck at 40 for the first time right damn i kind of want to do that though i want to fuck

i want to get a personal trainer to teach me how to fuck dude isn't your brother a personal trainer yeah but he lives in fucking frostburg yeah skype him in skype him in this is where fucking oh yeah and then you just watch the exercise you could be his like phd thesis dude my fat brother turn my fat brother into a sexy fucking ripped bro i mean i'm sexy don't get me wrong but i want to be ripped dude i want to be strong i want to fight people wouldn't it be cool to just be physically stronger i think they should do that dude i like i'm not really into to mixed martial arts i never got into the ufc or anything but i would watch it if they only had people that were completely out of shape. Because there's more on the line there.

Absolutely. I'm not really worried about two guys that look like they know how to fight. If it was two people that could possibly die from a stroke or something. I would do that. I would fight another similarly out of shape fat man. This is like similar. It's like bum fights. Yeah.

Fat fights. We should do it. That was based in Vegas when I was growing up. Bum fights, yeah. Was Kimbo from Vegas? How about cum fights? No, Kimbo is in Florida. Cum fights.

Just fat guys fighting. I like that. I like that a lot. Vegas produces a lot of garbage, huh? Yeah, really bad. It was really bad growing up there. Why did your family move to Vegas? I don't know.

I don't know. To hit it rich. Yeah. No, I mean, we lived in LA. They were already rich. No, they weren't. No. You said your parents were like millionaire architects prior to that.

No, they were not. They lost. They moved to Vegas because they, they were not. They lost... They... Yeah, they moved to Vegas. They were blue-collar architects. Oh. They fled South Africa, right? No, they... Yeah, they...

It was like the fastest-growing city in America. Vegas? Yeah. But by weight? Until... They just read the article wrong? No, until 2008. It's the fattest place in the country!

The fattest-growing city. Yeah. I mean, it was weird growing up there. I mentioned... I don't think I talked about it's the fattest place in the country the fattest growing yeah i mean it was it was weird growing up there i mentioned i don't think i talked about in the last episode but like the only thing you could do at 18 because you couldn't go to the strip you couldn't gamble you couldn't do anything was go to strip club so me and my friends would just go in the middle of the desert get high and then we'd be bored and then we'd be like all right let's go to the titty bar right and then we'd go to the titty bar and we'd just be too stoned and then there'd be bored and then we'd be like all right let's go to the titty bar right and then we'd go to the titty bar and we'd just be too stoned and then there'd be like some lady with fucking stretch marks you know dancing the puddle of mud it'd be so fucking depressing you know we go to fucking little darlings and see some lady you know fucking dancing did you ever fuck

a prostitute in vegas while you were young no never no i wouldn't know what to do what take her take her to my parents house i feel like your dad would be cool with that no he would not i may i don't know yeah no maybe no they wouldn't be cool with it but uh they would not of course they would imagine going to your fucking family's home hey mom this is a fucking whore i'm gonna go fucking upstairs while you do dishes and shit that would be so awesome yeah i think they'd be confused at first what are you talking about no i wouldn't say that it was a prostitute i'd be like this is you know this is my friend yeah nastasha yeah she's uh yeah a russian-year-old girl with braces. She definitely did not come here in a shipping container, like in the season two of The Wire.

She definitely, I met her, yeah. No, it was, yeah, it was a weird place to grow up, for sure, yeah. But then I moved to the East Coast, and everyone thinks I'm from New Jersey, so. Really? Yeah, because I'm Jewish or whatever. You're Jewish, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Because you're Jewish and annoying. Yeah, yeah. And there's Jersey written all over it. I guess so. Is that it? Long Island. Yeah. Not quite Long Island.

They're more fucking, like... No, there's a bunch of, you know... People think you're from Long Island. J-O-O's out there. No, I know, but I don't pick up Long Island from you because... You get Jersey? Well, not even either of those, but I feel like Long Island's more obnoxious, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was watching that Deepwater Horizon movie with my friend from Long Island yesterday, and he kept saying, you want to watch this Deepwater Horizon movie? Yeah, he says like the Philly way. I guess in Long Island they say water as well. Philly is so trashy. I was there yesterday.

They talk exactly like Dundalk. Like, they have the same fucking terrible accent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's mid-Atlantic. Yeah, it's a bad place. It's a Delaware talks that way, too. And Philly cheesesteaks suck my dick, also. They're not good.

No, there's good ones there. Yeah, but they... It's just not Pat's or Gino's. Pat's or Gino's suck dick. Yeah, they're bad. They're horrible. I go to Gino's because I order in fucking English. Absolutely, yeah.

Politically, I stand with Gino's. Yeah, you gotta go to Gino's. It would be great to go Absolutely, yeah. Politically, I stand with Gino's. Yeah, you got to go to Gino's. It would be great to go in there and order an Italian and see if they kick you out. Damn, I want a sandwich there. I bet you didn't think of that, Gino, did you? Or go into Pat's and order an Irish, I guess, or just the N-word over and over again. Is that an Irish? Is that an Irish?

Did they bring that over? Patrick, I don't know. I don't know i don't know probably not probably irish yeah yeah did we talk about how the there was another one one of the other famous ones was just called chinks steaks yeah yeah and it changed its name to joe's in 2012 it was chink steaks that entire time and the backstory was that, because when I first saw it, I was like, that's got to be a mistake. There's no way it's called Chink Steaks. And then the backstory is that the guy that owned the place as a kid, he looked sleepy. So his nickname was Chink. Yeah, he just had...

So it's not racist. It's a white guy being called Chink. Because he looks like a chink. Sort of Chinese eyes. Yeah, right. That was the story there. Sorry, I was enthralled by this guy that's just trying to sell chocolate on Shark Tank. He's just selling Kinder Eggs?

They're all crying. They're always crying. I don't know if he's good. He started off crying. Is he going to get it? Oh, they're shark tank kinder eggs? Yeah, but kinder eggs are illegal in the United States. He found a loophole.

What is it? You put gasoline in the chocolate so it counts as fuel. Yeah, yeah. And that way you can get past the FDA. Wait, why are kinder eggs illegal in the United States? Yeah. Because kids were taking the balls out of the chocolate and putting them in their ass.

And it was getting stuck in there. God damn it, Stav. You ruined everything. What if candles were illegal in the United States because of one boy on a road trip? How wide of a candle are we talking? That's what I was about to ask. It was like a Shabbos candle.

It was in an entire menorah. It was like a Shabbos candle. It was a little... It was an entire menorah. Yeah, yeah. Did I say candle? It was Liberace's candelabra. It was a Roman candle that I put in and set off into my ass. It was like a fucking little communion candle type of thing. Yeah.

It was one of those candles in the commemoration room in the Holocaust Museum. It was like, I'll fucking, you know, did you guys ever... When he said I watched Road Trip, he was confused and meant I was on a road trip with my class to the Holocaust Museum. Yeah. And I put a candle in my ass. But I'm sex positive. And I call my ass the secret annex.

Thanks, man. That was an Anne Frank joke. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, apparently she didn't get sold out. They just revised that history. Does anyone do a bit about how publishing her private diary is so much worse than being gassed by the Nazis?

Oh, God. That essentially her father was worse than the Nazis in that situation. Her dad was the one who lived, right? Yeah, her dad was the one that published it. Wait, really? Yeah. Yeah, because he sold them all out. No.

No, no. That'd be so awesome. But that'd be really good, wouldn't it? Apparently they didn't get sold out. Yeah. What happened? Apparently it was just like a random... She just got caught?

Basically what happened with Anne Frank was that her father was indebted to the Russian Mafia. And so the Russian Mafia had to sell Anne Frank to a Chinese pedophile. And then Steven Seagal saved her. Wow. Wow. Give me your diary. I would love to see...

You know, how funny it is that, like, Wahlberg makes, like, Deepwater Horizon and that Boston Marathon bombing movie. Yeah. If Seagal was doing the same thing, where he stops 9-11, but he just refuses to get out of a chair. Being in first class, and he's just like lazily reaching into the cockpit and slap killing everyone. Yeah, he loves a slap kill.

That's his move. And he's so lazy that the movie's just called 9-1. I'm not saying three numbers. You're only getting two numbers out of me. I saw that movie. I saw Patriot's Day. The other day I went to the theater and I was like, I don't want to see hidden figures.

I don't want to watch a serious movie. And then I was like, Mark Wahlberg and Patriot's Day. That sounds like it's probably a dumb action movie. I thought it was going to be like White House Down. And it's like a really realistic Boston Marathon movie. Yeah, it's Pete Berg. And I just cried. Really?

I heard it's not bad. We've got to find these fucking Muslim kids that did this. It's surprisingly not as anti-Muslim as you'd think. Really? Is the kid that plays Joe Nix out? I hear the kid. It's not super conservative. If Wahlberg doesn't wipe his ass with a turban,

then I don't see it. No, he doesn't even say one slur in it. Yeah. In a Boston accent. It's got a lot of A-listers. He does beat up like about 12 Vietnamese in the process. More like a lot of gay-listers, if you ask me. There's a lot of gay-listers.

Dude, so the kid who who plays... Nice, man. The hardest I've heard Nick laugh in like three weeks. We can't take breaks anymore. Yeah, it was pumping. It's so upsetting sometimes when it gets you guys to laugh. I think that's funny, dude.

Gay-less celebrities. Yeah, I'm with you. Yeah. Actually, I'm friends with a lot of gaylist celebrities. Yeah, they're on the gaylist. Yeah. The Hollywood gaylist. The Hollywood gaylist.

Yeah. How about a website called Headline? Or, sorry, Deadline. Or not Deadline, Headline. And it's a good head. God damn. That's so funny. Anyway, sorry.

I keep getting distracted By fucking Shark Tank This guy's just selling popcorn We should not Be watching shit We're done We've done our time For this week I think this has been

A good episode It actually is a good episode Let's plug the show Yes The 23rd This upcoming Monday We have a show Come on everybody

Great lineup Great lineup You guys We're really lucky Abby Rosenquist Mike Leibovitz Langston K Kerman, very funny bros. Also, I wanted to fucking say I'm on a benefit for Planned Parenthood Friday, January 27th at Artspace PS109.

I'll have my shit on Twitter and all that kind of stuff. But yeah, that's going to be another good one and all the money goes to Planned Parenthood. I went to a Planned Parenthood benefit at the museum, on the ceiling or the roof of the museum. That's a really nice spot. It was great. In D.C.

There were senators there. Dana brought me. I was wearing basketball shorts. They had an open bar, and I just got trashed on the balcony. Oh, yeah, dude. I feel like I changed a lot of people's minds. Absolutely. About abortion

You went anti-abortion? You should have been aborted Yeah, right No, they were on board with abortion So yeah, anyway So come to our show And if you want to come to the Planned Parenthood thing We're raising money for

Yeah, and a lot of people have asked The ticket link is now up on the website It wasn't up until I think yesterday or something Planned Parenthood thing. We're raising money for, you know. Yeah, and a lot of people have asked. The ticket link is now up on the website. It wasn't up until, I think, yesterday or something. We had a poster snafu, apparently. The poster our friend made was a little bit racially insensitive. You might as well tweet it, right? The poster?

No, it's not even racially insensitive. Anyway. But the fact that I'm saying that is... It was just Chief Wahoo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just used the logo of the washington redskins it was us in blackface fake hanging ourselves which i don't get what the point what's so racist about yeah it was really just it was so innocuous um ben you seem upset i'm not upset i was watching shark Tank yeah anyway alright well

that's it you fucking should we riff on gay list celebrities that one was good for me it was good I like gay list yeah yeah

the stuff that you guys really gravitate towards it's a charity event there's a lot of gay list celebrities I'm gonna be laughing about that for a week and a half oh fuck alright well goodbye everyone bye friends later thank you Gaelic celebrities here. I'm going to be laughing about that for a week and a half. Oh, fuck.

All right. Well, goodbye, everyone. Bye, folks. Later. Thank you.