The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 37 – Goldust Wasn’t Gay

Episode Date: January 26, 2017

I almost passed out during this one, luckily the boys kept things going with wrestling chat that I couldn’t partcipate in due to both ignorance and medical problems. Please remember me as a Lenny Bruce type or maybe Carlin, thanks.

Hello, folks. Oh, fuck. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I wasn't a good idea, dude. Coffee. We were going to order chicken and waffles and then Stav fatly bullied everyone into getting sushi. That's absolutely not true. Sushi is better for you than chicken and waffles. That's not the fat move. The fat move was your stance,

to get fucking fried chicken and syrup. To get breakfast food for breakfast? Breakfast fried chicken. It's food for breakfast breakfast fried chicken it's 1230 it was 1230 we were making that decision breakfast just means the first meal you eat in a day

just cause your bitch ass woke up at noon yeah it's technically breaking the fast right of not eating that's what it means yeah breakfast is

10am McDonald's breakfast rules 1130 they changed this explain to me again how this isn't all day you again How this isn't fatly You Huh?

How this isn't I was going for the healthier choice While you're trying to get It's not the healthier choice dude 100% Sushi is so much healthier It's a matter of fucking calories You know

I mean I can eat a normal amount It's not a healthier choice When you have to have like Six rolls of sushi And a soup and a salad For breakfast Three my bitch. Salad is good for you.

Miso soup is basically just fucking water. So healthier as far as I'm concerned. Well, I want to throw up, dude. With all the coffee and the sushi. It's because you're dying.

Well, you also had two large coffees. Yeah. Well, I need them to wake up otherwise I get headaches. There's something about this apartment. It's voodoo cursed.

Yeah. I felt sick. Remember when something about this apartment. It's voodoo cursed. Yeah. I felt sick. Remember when I was sick as shit? Yeah. And we hung out here a couple days, and I was like, man, my cold isn't going away. And I just stayed home for one day, and I was fucking fine. Yeah. I think there's these fucking cats, dude.

Yeah, no, it is. There's too much dander and shit. It's kind of cat fever. Cat scratch fever, Ted Nugent style. That's probably what it is. We're watching the new Tim Allen sitcom. Not new.

It's been on since 2011. 2011. It just wikied the shit. Well, most people don't know about it so that makes it new. But it's crazy that it's been out

for six years and we have never heard of it. I've heard of it. I knew what it was. Damn, we get it, dude. Stop bragging. No, I pay attention to television considering I work in this industry. I have a future in it. Yeah,, we get it, dude. Stop bragging. No, I pay attention to television considering I work in this industry.

I have a future. Yeah, I'm an artist, dude. I'm a fucking... I go right to the crowd, man. You and your corporate fucking entities. Not me. Anybody I know that has a TV writing job, they watch every show. Yeah.

They're still... And people are like, God, you watch SNL? I'm like no why would i watch snl right is it 1999 right if the spartans ain't on there if sherry o'terry ain't doing something weird with her eye yeah she's not making her left eye twitch i'm not interested yeah when people are like oh man last night's monologue not the best and it's like are you still watching that show yeah someone sent us uh or sent me a dms like can't wait to get the come boys take on aziz ansari's monologue

didn't i was like i'm pretty sure none of us i'm not watching yeah i'm not a zero interest in watching and also fuck snl for the fuck it i mean this the of suspending that writer for the baron trump tweet that shit's fucking crazy you don't even know her name, dude. I don't need to know her name. Yeah, you do. What's her name? Robert Paulson. Her name is Robert Paulson.

Is it Kate something? Yeah, Katie Rich. Yeah. Shout out Katie Rich. Yeah. Yeah, we, it's an official stance of our podcast. We stand with Katie. We stand with Katie.

Yeah. I don't know who she is. But still. And I'm sure she'll have no pro i looked at her background she's like a you see improv person so i take that back yeah any other circumstance i wouldn't give a shit about this person whatsoever but i just loved it fucking that fucking retard cameron esposito she tweeted uh she goes uh she goes this is gonna to sound extremely accurate but uh a lot

of uh male writers say a bunch of bonkers shit and they don't get fired and it's like yeah that's the takeaway from this that we're not firing enough comedy writers okay no don't get me wrong katie rich should be fired for what she's for right right political satire which is her job but the problem is that we need to fire more men. Wow, thank you, Cameron, for such a genius fucking take. The problem isn't that we have just started going after people for the words they say,

and now that the tables have turned, we're also fucked. That's not the issue. The amount of comics I saw on Twitter pretending like this is a fucking precedent being set, and not a direction that we were headed in for two years and anybody who is reasonable more than two years well no mostly

the last two years 2014 is when this shit started to go real crazy and when I you know anybody that fucking said like hey you know one day it's not going to be a bunch of fucking fat liberal women controlling the dialogue on this issue and it's going to be conservatives that are going to be a bunch of fucking fat liberal women controlling the dialogue right on this issue and

it's going to be conservatives that are going to come back into power and they're going to use all this bullshit about how well if your language offends somebody you know it shouldn't we should question whether or not we're to have consequences yeah exactly i just want to be on the right side of history well here you are you set up. You wanted this to happen. You made your bed. Now you have to fucking lie in it. But also fuck every Republican who's like, who was like. No, good on them for learning from these people.

No, dude, come on. No, they did. They said they looked at what people were doing with Daniel Tosh. It wasn't the Republicans, though. It was it was fucking Lorne Michaels. It was it was Lorne Michaels wasn't offended. He tweeted. It was. Yeah, it was it was fucking Lorne Michaels it was it was Lorne Michaels wasn't offended retweeted all it was yeah it was people it was fucking like oh it was it was bikers for Trump bikers for Trump there were that were scared because they got glitter blown on them did you see that there were 900,000 bikers for Trump at the women's rally

yeah man doing wheelies, we're fucked. That shit sucks. You know, it's totally, this is the fucking I told you so moment. For everyone that said, you know, well, if rape jokes are off limits, where do you draw the line? And then these people are like, just, you draw the line directly in front of the things that I like. Conveniently gerrymander all the things that bother me. You're absolutely right. And then we make those things off limits, and that'll never backfire ever.

Right. There's never going to be any consequences. The next thing that's going to happen is always believe rhetoric is going to be used to throw LGBT people in jail. What is that, always believe? Obama? Oh, no. Always believe is part of, like, campus sex assault activists. But, I mean, I'm sure. Oh, you always believe in accusations. Always believe women. Always believe is part of, like, campus sex assault activists. But, I mean, I'm sure.

Oh, you always believe in accusations. Always believe women. Always believe rape accusations. Always. Because in some cases it's, you know, the rare instance that it is false. But then they're going to fucking appropriate that somehow. How? And what's that?

Like, believe who? Believe probably children. There'll be some new, you know child uh oh children are being exploited by trans people and then you know why would a child lie about that and that's where you go from there but it's gonna happen that happened in the 90s though it's like certain ideas yeah it did it happened in the late 80s and it was christians that did it but yeah it's like you know uh i don't understand why like this didn't know this didn't occur to anybody right that this kind of shit would start happening that we have

like an understanding of certain things that are you know codified in the law and should be you know uh expressed throughout our culture that you have freedom of speech you have freedom of expression yeah don't try to get people fired for saying something you don't like the jokes are jokes it's fucking hard and that no we need to rethink these things yeah well this is we already did we thought about all these things right right right for hundreds of years and we got to this point it's also fucking disappointing that it's like come snl as an institution is just like throwing a writer under the bus completely yeah where it's like oh now it's like, oh, now, it's like, what happened? First of all, you put Trump on TV, so suck my dick, number one.

And now when someone's doing their job, good joke. It was a solid joke, you know? Yeah. It wasn't even that fucking offensive. It wasn't about him. She wasn't making fun of him for being fucking, you know, developmentally disabled. Well, here's what you do. You do a joke where you call

Barron Trump trans and then no one knows who to be upset at. They don't know who to get mad at. Because to be trans is to be perfect, I guess. And if you ever insult, if you ever insult,

you deserve to be fired for writing a joke that punches, you know, down like that. Whereas you should be punching up towards a mentally disabled boy who is in no way at fault for anything Donald

Trump says or does. Whatever, it wasn't a fucking... You shouldn't be suspended for jokes. You shouldn't be suspended, but I mean, there is really no defense of the joke and say there's no punching up there. This isn't an instance where, you know, there's any way by their metrics. There isn't really a defense of Daniel Tosh, what he said.

I know, but here's what the defense is, that he's a fucking comedian and he's allowed to tell jokes. And you're allowed to tell bad jokes, too. You're allowed to fuck up. You're already threw that one out the window. So there really is no defense. This is what he fucking wanted. That went out the window. So there really is no defense.

This is what you fucking wanted. If you think this is, again, if you think this is a precedent being set, examine your own fucking, you know, actions and opinions over the last two years. Examine that. Examine that. Check your privilege. Yeah. Check that privilege. Take a closer look.

Yeah. So that sucks dick. Get a mirror. However, we are watching good, clean, wholesome comedy right now as we speak. Yeah. Decidedly so conservative. Like rag-wing conservative. Yeah, yeah. The Tim Allen Show is so lame. Well, it's funny. watching good clean wholesome comedy right now as we speak decidedly uh like conservative tim allen shows was funny i was looking online and a lot of other people are trying to like compare it to all in the family and it's like do you not know tim allen right i mean it's not

there was no social point whatsoever if archie bunker was supposed to be the non-ironic hero of that then it sort of is like that except now they have two screw-up liberal sons or like boy uh boyfriends of daughters and one is just so liberal and obviously gay yeah i love he's like a graduate of gay conversion therapy yeah he's like he he passed he passed the program he got the certificate and the hard hat that they give you at the end of whatever that is yeah they like make at the end of whatever that is. Yeah, they make fun of him for thinking that global warming is a problem. They're like, why is the rising ocean a big deal? Doesn't that mean there's more room for the fish?

They made that joke? They made that joke. I missed it. This one's about unions. I can't wait to see what happens. And they mention church a bunch. And vaping. This episode is about vaping about unions. I can't wait to see what happens. And they mention church a bunch. And vaping. This episode is about vaping and unions. Yeah, the show's...

The take so far, anti-vaping, anti-union, pro-gay son, as long as he's in the closet. Pro-making fun of him. Yeah. There's a cracking-wise lesbian who is not allowed to wear skirts. She's always been in pants in every situation. Even... Oh, the daughter's supposed to be a lesbian? No, the other one.

No, the third daughter. Is she a daughter or is she just a girl? I don't know. The show actually takes place in an alternate universe where everyone's gay. And so these guys are all actually progressive because they've decided to have heterosexual relationships. Oh. So that's where the satire lies.

Oh. That's pretty good the satire lies. Oh. That's pretty good. It's not Denver, Colorado. It's Denver, Mars. Ooh. It's in its colony. That was another nice riff on the show is explaining. You ever do that shit where it's like you get so depressed you start looking up terraforming? No.

Those are my two go-tos. These are I think about killing myself where it's like, man, what if I just lived on fucking Mars, dude? How far away are we from that? It's like 3 o'clock in the morning. Looking up how long it'll take before we can have a cloud city on Venus. Where somehow I'll be like, you know, I can escape my own fucking mental state and just wear a cape. Yeah, that'll be the problem. That'll solve all your problems.

To be Lando Calrissian of Venus. You would love to go to Mars. You should apply. You can go. Yeah. There's people that are going to die on Mars that can apply right now. Maybe I will. You could just build shit up there.

Yeah, it's going to be you and a bunch of sad men. We'll do the podcast over Skype. I mean, people used to do that shit. You think about the guys that were like, yeah, I'll go west. Right. I'll go get fucked to death by a bear in the woods. It was awesome that you could just,

if you got tired of your life, you could just fucking buy a horse and just keep riding until you found in your city and then be like, I'm a doctor.

I'm a woman doctor. I'm a pussy doctor. Well, I accidentally killed 300 people. Yeah, you could murder people and just, that was, you just leave.

Yeah. Well, the telegraph changed all that because they could wire your description to the next town over. Even that, you grow a mustache. Then you become a road agent. That's what I want to be, dude. I want to be a fucking road agent. That was a job for a long time. Yeah, you just stay on the road and you protect them and kill Indians and shit.

Nice. That's mostly what I want to do is kill Indians. How funny would it be like to the cowboy, the cowboy that's like, you know, like I'm an Indian scalper or whatever, but then you're like killing like Hindu people in New York City. It's a nice immigrant family. They're Residians. Comanche.

Yeah, yeah. Oopsie daisy. I love astoria for that there's so many different types of fucking if you put a racist an old school race in a story they would go crazy i feel like there are probably there was like a woman in wasn't that where the job and a fucking santa that's like when you go to the m&m store and they have a bunch of m&m collars you've never seen before it's like a racist in queens it's like a diabetic in that fucking, the M&M flagship store. Wasn't all in the family literally in Astoria? Yeah, it's in Queens, yeah. Yeah, but I'm talking about now.

Now it's like the most fucking diverse place on, I've never fucking been to. There's a lot of Muslims, a lot of- There's some Slavs using the N-word. South Americans. So many South Americans. Muslims. You say it like that? You say it like BBC style?

The woke style. Muslims. Muslim. Muslim. word south americans so many muslims you say it like that you say it like bbc style the work muslims muslim muslim muslim i'll say muslamic you do a hard z yeah look out muz i go i call a muz that's such a cool word i want to sign up for the muzideen. It sounds like a type of Cadillac. Oh, yeah, yeah. A Fleetwood Mujahideen. Yeah. What were the movies? I got a Mujahideen Cadillac Shooting Breaks Seville. Have you ever seen Four Lions? What's Four Lions?

Lions. It's like a British movie. It's like a comedy about suicide bombers. Really? Yeah. So what this show is and Tim Allen's show, he's a vlogger. Oh, the end of every episode is like his final, Jerry's final thoughts or whatever. And they show his vlog.

That's where he makes all his money. He works for Outdoor Man. Yeah. In this show, he plays a millionaire vlogger who works at a gun shop. Wait, really? He's a millionaire? No, it's an outdoor store. he's like culturally working class because he's racist but he's still like a rich man that's wearing like a you know $200 denim button-down shirt and just makes vlogs yeah that's the funny thing about this show is that like because it exists in 2017 they have to to have, like, people of color,

but they're all just, like, security guards. Yeah. A cop. A lawyer. Well, who this show is for is, like, you know, it's for, like, I've got an uncle that's, like, you know, he was a contractor his whole life, but he owns his own contracting business,

so he's, like, got money. He's got, like, plenty of money. Yeah. For being a construction worker. Right, right, right. And they identify with this. It's like, you know, I'm just a working man it's like well yeah you live a pretty comfortable life yeah exactly your son is wasting all your money on in acting school right um i do love when

fucking just conservative people have the just most screw up waste all their money waste all their money as welfare kids. On NYU? Yeah. Unlike me. My son. NYU is taking a lot of money from conservative parents

I'm sure. How about a school called NY Word? What does the Y stand for? I don't know. It just popped into my head. I got the N. I'm pretty sure I know. I think this

weird dizziness is affecting my ability to come up with jokes. I'm going to start going in really weird directions. I like NY word. Yeah. What could the Y stand for? Young? Yeah. YMCA. That would be more. Y-N-C-A? Y-N-C-A. Yeah, that totally works. Yeah. Young, blank, Christians of America. Yeah. Remember how everyone knew those guys were gay? I remember being in like second grade and it's like, yeah, you know the village people are gay, right?

That was the best bit as a little kid. Why are you gay? What's this guy? in like second grade and it's like, yeah, you know the village people are gay, right? That was the best bit as a little kid. Why? It was the first time you could get homophobic. What's this guy? Is this guy in the fucking YMCA? Is he a homosexual? I went to summer camp

at the YMCA. You did? So you were gay as a child? Yeah, yeah, I was. I never got how that was. Which one were you? The construction worker? The Indian?

Yeah, yeah. No, I was the road agent, dude. That's how I got kicked out at YMCA camp. I was the... You killed me in the gay Indian. No, no, but... You scal dude. That's how I got kicked out at YMCA camp. I was the... You killed the gay Indian. No, no, but... You scalped his balls.

I just remember this. Yeah, no, at the YMCA summer camp, there was this kid, Anton, that found a condom on the ground and thought it was a balloon. Well, they used... And then blew it up. Yeah, of course it was.

Oh, no. He was just fucking using... leaving unused condoms around. I don't know, man. Like a Johnny Appleseed of fucking condoms. Sometimes you gotta go through condoms, dude. Sometimes you gotta go through four condoms before you can stay hard to complete.

Johnny Positive Seed. Johnny Positive Seed? Well, he went around the country spreading HIV. And that's the story of Johnny Positive Seed. The village people stole a lot of valor there, you know? I'm sure that guy wasn't really in the army. He was, dude. There was a guy stealing cop valor.

There was a guy stealing Navy valor. Construction worker. The most important valor of them all. Yeah. Well, Tim Allen's stealing construction worker valor at this fucking show. Absolutely. You know, and it's so funny that he is like a conservative considering like he's a convicted felon. Convicted coke dealer.

Yeah, yeah. That then was a stand-up comic and television star. Yeah, yeah. That is the most fucking liberal career path there is, honestly. No, no, no. He's a snitch.

He's an official snitch. He is a snitch. Oh, really? Yeah. That's how he reduced his prison sentence. Yeah, he got caught with something like 13 pounds of cocaine. Nice. Can you imagine how much cocaine that is?

And he dropped mad dimes. Yeah. I would snitch so quick. Would you? I would never snitch, dude. No, you'd snitch. You got to owe it to the guys that you're in cahoots with. Well, it depends.

Who am I snitching on? Is it you guys? I always imagine myself as one of the characters in the movie Heat. I've never seen Heat. Oh, really? I want to really bad. You're a fucking retard. Come on, man.

I told you. How have you not seen Heat? How have you not seen all these fucking movies? It's De Niro and Pacino, baby. I understand it when it's like an obscure reference or something. Like gay shit, Adam Seymour. I tried to watch Heat but I couldn't get it

for a while I don't know something gay though for sure one of those gay movies that you like name a movie you like okay

I'll tell you a movie yeah have you seen La Fête du Temps Du Croix it's 1938 dude it's so good nobody speaks it's just a woman

looking at a feather for two and a half hours it gives you you get like a you go into an epileptic seizure good. Nobody speaks. It's just a woman looking at a feather for two and a half hours. You get an epileptic seizure because the light's flickering the entire time. It's so good. It's such a beautiful movie. I cried. I literally cried.

I'm like, excuse me. Have you seen fucking Ready to Rumble? Is that the one with the robots? Johnny Knoxville playing in the Special Olympics? No, that's The Ringer. Let's watch The Ringer. Yo, I watched Jackass 3D recently for the third time,

so that's why I haven't seen movies like Heat. Shit's good, dude. Jackass is so good. Jackass is hilarious. Jackass is the funniest movie. It's so well edited, too. I don't think there's a funnier movie. I fucking love that shit, dude.

They just dress up as ducks and then you just shoot them up in the air and then you just shoot them with paintball guns. And then they just like fucking went into a Rams enclosure and played a tuba. They just got rammed by animals. They just like funny costumes that look stupid and get fucked up by something yeah it's a beautiful form i think jackass and borat are probably for laugh for laugh the two funniest borat the first time you see it might be the best comedy i almost i thought i was gonna die yeah the first time i saw i saw with my dad yeah i saw with my dad too yeah really it's a good movie to go

see fucking loved it i've never seen anything in a theater with my dad. I saw it with my dad, too. Really? It's a good movie to go see with your dad. He fucking loved it so much. I've never seen anything in a theater with my father. Really? The hardest... Except for Titanic. Me and my dad were dying at that line when he's at the zoo, and there's that fucking giant turtle just eating a head of lettuce, and he looks at it and he's like, what kind of dog is this? Fuck, man. I love me some damn

It's tough because it doesn't The second The repeat viewings aren't as good No it's good dude I watched it recently Not as good I watched it recently It really

Probably because I hadn't seen it In a couple years I forgot some jokes If you Don't watch it It held up If you watch it every five Years

That's the sweet spot I was I was howling. Man, that's how I am with Band of Brothers. I rewatch it like every year, and I'm right in the middle of it right now. Also never seen that. Fuck, it's so good, dude. I will see that.

It's so good. I get like withdrawal after I watch it. I'm just like thinking about Band of Brothers for like a month afterwards. We should go to war, boys. Yeah, we should. We should join Piss Big Grandad. Yeah. Guys, we could go to war right now. Yeah, we should. We should join Piss Big Grandad. Yeah. Guys, we could go to war right now on Twitter against the Peppin Frogs.

No, keep going. What should we do, stuff? We should go to actual war, dude. Yeah. Fuck up some... Hang out with some cool Kurds. Yeah. And just fuck shit up.

That's going to be great. There's girls in that movie. When you go help people that are temporarily allied with the United States states and then three years later you're just not allowed to fly anymore because you fucked up and chose the wrong one oh we would definitely choose the wrong one yeah we would be a guy there was a guy that went to libya to just like cover uh uh like all the arab spring shit and at the time the u.s government had no problem with it they were like yeah that's fine and then like two years later he was just not he had trouble getting back in the country he's on the no-fly list yeah shit and it took like i think the aslu helped him out and it took

like a long time to get him off the no-fly list but yeah you should never fuck around with that shit if you want to you know live your life unencumbered in the united states we got to be brothers dude we got to be a band of brothers Yeah Well then how are we gonna go to war When we take over a fucking post office Now we're talking Yeah Now we're fucking talking We get

We get camoed up Yeah We get the fucking What's the best kind of camo Not that digital camo For a post office Well it's gonna be Long fingernails

And extra large Dunkin Donuts Chai cool Chocolatte A weave That's a good You need that You need giant hoop earrings An extra large Dunkin' Donuts, chai cool, chocolate, a weave. That's a good, you need that. You need giant hoop earrings. You need to not know fucking shit about anything going on at the post office. You need to be very angry about the line.

Check. Yeah. We can do all that shit. That's the best camouflage. What about having a generally pleasant attitude? Should we have that? No. Absolutely not.

Yeah. Should we be annoyed that someone's asking us to do our Should we have that? No, absolutely not. Yeah. Should we be annoyed that someone's asking us to do our job for 30 seconds? Yeah, absolutely. All right. That's a good post-office. I think we can do this. Good post-office move. Excuse me, sir.

That is not my job. No, it literally is. I'm about to go on break. Yeah. I really... I respect so much... I wish I could be as assertive as a middle-aged black woman two minutes from her break yeah do you know if i have that in my life you know it's a good a good

movie but it has such a retarded plot point literally retarded plot point is the uh the score what's eating gilbert grape no uh the score with uh fucking deniro and Ed Norton, where Ed Norton plays the retarded guy. Oh, shit. You haven't seen it? No. So basically there's this customs office. Like Robert De Niro plays like, you know, it's the usual plot, like one last, I'm doing one last job.

One last job. And so the job is at this customs office where they have this scepter, this like scepter that inside the scepter there's like some million dollar fucking thing or something. Something like that.

And it's just sitting in the lockup of this customs office. They don't know how much it's worth. So Ed Norton's like a younger thief and he approaches

Robert De Niro and he's like I've been casing this place for six months. I got a job in there. And so he's working at the customs office but his cover

is that he's mentally retarded. So half the movie is Ed Norton going into work like, hi Danny. Oh, I've seen that. No, I have seen that.

And then he's going to steal the thing and then sneak away. Is that with Brando? It's like, that is not how you keep a low profile. Right, right, right, right.

You know, like the place is going to get robbed and they're going to be like, you know, hey, wasn't there a retarded guy that worked here? They're just going to forget that there was a guy that needed someone to hold his dick when he was at the urinal.

Wait, Brando's in that movie, right? Yeah, Brando's in it for the first, like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I just love it. There's a scene where he's in the couch. He's so fucking fat. He's on the couch in his big fucking satin suit. In the beginning, he's like,

Nick, Nick, Nick, come here. I tell you, I got such a good idea for you on this one. And he's just morbidly obese. He wears a white suit in that movie. Yeah, he just doesn't know how to sit in any way. It's great. Somebody told me that he refused to be filmed from the waist down. Yeah, he wasn't wearing pants.

He was just never wearing pants. Yeah, that is... I've heard that, we watched it we watched it and you can see his pants so i was very disappointed it's so amazing that probably one of the most handsome men of all time ended up looking like that yeah it's pretty insane the transformation it makes sense to me you think you're gonna get real nasty looking when you're older well i'm not one of the most handsome men in the world i'll probably i'll probably i will gonna get real nasty looking when you're older? Well, I'm not one of the most handsome men in the world I'll probably just I'll probably

I will probably get pretty nasty looking Do you think I'm gonna I feel like I'm gonna be I'm gonna be nice I feel like I look better I look better every year Yeah, you're gonna look like Gnome

Chomsky? Yeah, yeah I'll just say Gray hair You know 112 pounds I'm gonna look like Gnome Chomsky I'm gonna look like shit

I hope That's what's funny What's funny is I'm going to look like shit. I hope. That's what's funny. What's funny is I'm always like, yeah, I mean, I've just been fat my whole life. I'll just stay fat. I'll be fine. But then I realize like, oh, no, my body's just going to deteriorate. It's going to keep getting worse. You don't just get to be fat as shit your whole life.

I'm not even 30 yet. And I'm like, I just the last three days, I just have these weird dizzy spells all the time. My fucking knees hurt yeah I think the years whatever black Chinese mold you were fucking inhaling for two straight years has a terrible effect

yeah even that weird place in Baltimore you lived no that place was fine was it? yeah with the clown? with the clown yeah

the raped clown yeah the clown that got raped yeah the clown that had PTSD from being raped I think that's that's the genesis story. With the raped clown. Yeah, the clown that got raped. The clown that had PTSD from being raped. I think that's the Genesis story of a lot of clowns. I like that. That guy was like, are you a joke I wrote when I was 13?

Right, yeah. That really, that does feel like you were in some weird movie where your fucking notebook from your first year of stand-up got possessed by the devil. No, that guy was just like, what if a fucking Spencer's Gift t-shirt was a human being's life story? Aren't those t-shirts kind of slutty? Isn't that the Spencer's Gift point of view? I don't know.

Yeah, I guess. Everything in Spencer's Gift is like, you're 30 now, you fucking old piece of shit. Stare at some pussy titty. And then also just, yeah, dildos for some reason. Yeah. I stole a shirt from Spencer's. It was great. That was my shoplifting days, dude, when I was a badass, when I sold weed and shoplifted in 11th grade.

You were a shoplifter? Yeah, I stole. What did you steal? A biggie t-shirt just to show him that i was a bad boy i just literally and it wasn't even stealing it was like i waited in line for 20 minutes i was like i'm just gonna walk out yeah i just did and but i used to do that shit all the time at grocery stores grocery stores i would just pick up food and then start eating it in the store and then walk out oh yeah oh dude i would go to the rules i had i had my giant but in uh baltimore where i lived when i lived in charles village that giant on

fucking 33rd yeah yeah i would every time i would pick up a to-go hot container and just put three pieces of fried tilapia in there and eat them while shopping and then my dessert was a lar bar yeah and i i stole probably over the the one year i lived there seven thousand dollars worth of like fish and lar bars like i ate that wait aren't lars bars like uh like luna bars those like women's here's the luna bar it's good as shit dude no no that's a luna bar is women's candy a lar bar is like candy for women a lar bar is women's candy. A Lar bar is like... Candy for women. A Lar bar is candy for like fucking low-carb mountain climbers. It's like there's no fucking... You know mountain climbing, it's just for women, dude.

No, dude. You've been tricked by marketing. No, it's for badass mountain climbers. It's like people that think that cliff bars are for mountain climbers. No, I don't eat cliff bars. I'm talking Lar bars, bitch. No added sugars, you know? It's fucking, it's all natural.

It's just dates and cashews and chocolate and peanut butter and delicious stuff. Sounds good. It's good as shit, but I also ate it with three pieces of fried tilapia every time, which is also very good. Unlike a nice fried fish sandwich. What do you boys think about fried fish? Wait, you made a sandwich out of candy bars? No, I didn't do that.

You literally just fucking died for a second. Nick lost consciousness for seven seconds. I saw this motherfucker's eyes light up and his pupils dilate. Are you okay? God damn, dude. Hello, Nick. This motherfucker's gonna die.

Yo, what if Nick died during that discussion? Well, we wouldn't know how to upload the episode Yeah, that would be the end of the show Fuck It'd probably be the end of your careers also No, no I'd be fine You'd be fine I'd be okay

Yeah, Adam would be fucked I'd be at Funny Mom's next month There'd be three people there There'd be three people I'd be like, guys, Nick month. There'd be three people there. There'd be three people. I'd be like, guys, Nick's coming back next week. Yeah, we'll just weekend at Bernie's, Nick. We'll just fucking... Dude, I can record.

Yeah, I can record. Dude, okay. Is it possible... Here, I'll record, Nick. I'll record. Is it possible it's cocaine withdrawal? Could that be it? Yeah, for sure.

You were doing a nice amount of coke. Yeah, maybe that's it. Maybe I should... That also affects your fucking serotonin your mood and like that could cause depression I've actually been you know what it's weird

I've been in a pretty good mood which makes me worried that it is like a brain tumor or something and the brain tumor yeah you've been more pleasant the last four days you know when people have like the pituitary gland

you were like a relatively pleasant the pituitary gland tumor where like you grow real tall right right right how fucking sweet would it be if I had like gigantism no no if I had like a relatively pleasant. The pituitary gland tumor where you grow real tall. Right, right, right. How fucking sweet would it be if I had like... Gigantism? No, no. If I had like a tumor that made me happy. Made you happy? And I get to die.

That actually is the best. That's perfect. Oh my god. I'm just like the nicest guy in the world for two and a half months before I violently shit myself to death on a train. That would be nice. We'd really enjoy our time together. Oh, fuck.

I'm so dizzy. Then we'd be sad when you died. Yeah. I don't know also if coffee is going to stop you from being dizzy. Oh, yeah, it's not. No, I make horrible choices. Yeah, why are you doing that? You should drink water.

I drank water, dude. Did you not see this big boy? You drank that whole thing? Yeah, I drank the whole thing. Oh, okay. Good for you. see this big boy? You drank that whole thing? Yeah, I drank the whole thing. Oh, okay. Good for you. All right. How about a tumor that...

Do you also remember that guy who got a tumor and it made me want to fuck kids? No, I don't remember that. That sucks, dude. That happened to a guy. Are you sure he wasn't just like, oh, yeah, it's a tumor. Because that was a Kurt Eichenwald who tried to fuck a boy. Oh, yeah. That was weird.

And he's like, yeah, it's because I have epilepsy. Or like Pete Townsend that was like, I was doing research. That's the best. Yeah, it's weird. Yeah, my hypothesis is that child porn doesn't make me cum. Yeah, my hypothesis is that boy pussy feels good on my dick. Let me go get, I'm going to get some multivitamins from my room. Okay.

You guys chat for a second. Yeah, that'll make you feel good. Hey, folks. Nick here, and I've got some bad news for you. I'm dying. That's right. I'm dying of shitty underwear-itis. Okay?

It's a new disease. It's real. You know, doctors know about it. Okay? So it's not a gimmick. It affects 69 out of 420 American men. And luckily, there is a cure. And it doesn't require health insurance that you can't afford.

It's MackWeldon.com. Smart designed underwear that's exclusively for men who like premium fabrics and easy online shopping. If you go to MackWeldon.com and use promo code COMETOWN, you can receive 20% off your order and experience underwear that will make you look and feel good. Their silver line of products are naturally antimicrobial, so you can easily whisk away the stench of your previous shameful underwear that was probably killing you. So upgrade yourself with a refresh kit filled with underwear for every occasion, folks. Working out, going to the doctor, working out at the doctor's office. Maybe the doctor's a girl. You should always try to impress your girl doctor.

Everyone fluffs before a physical, but that's not enough. You've got to have nice underwear. Maybe you can marry your doctor. That would be pretty sweet, huh? So go to MackWeldon.com. Check out their selection. Maybe get some shirts or socks or underwear. They've got a lot of good stuff on there.

And if you don't like it, just let them know, and they'll let you keep the clothes and refund you the cost. And remember, use promo code COMETOWN to receive 20% off. Thanks. Yeah, so okay. So let's plan out this weekend at Bernie's thing because Nick's probably got another couple weeks left. Here's what we need.

So we take... Pair of sunglasses. Hawaiian shirt. Of course. Clearly. Yes. The wardrobes. But what we really need to do is get episodes of the podcast and isolate him saying every word and sentence. Yeah, yeah. So kind of like how they do Siri. So then we can just write his dialogue.

Exactly. And then he's getting to say whatever we want. So we can train the computer to know... And then we make a Nick algorithm. A Nick algorithm. So he'd just be like... Heavy on trans. Anyway.

Trans diaper. Diarrhea. Trans diaper. Trans. Trans is perfect. a nick algren so he'd just be like heavy on trans anyway uh trans diaper uh diarrhea trans uh diaper trans uh trans is perfect what else do we have uh we'd have to we'd have to upload a huge knowledge of obscure upn fucking tv shows oh that's not hard dude you're right you just copy paste the fucking uh star trek voyager a A random IMDB page. Wikipedia. Well, there's a lot more deep cuts than Voyager. That was their flagship series. I know. I know.

Yeah. Talk about UPN. Yeah. Folks, he's back. Let's go. Did you guys ever watch Stacked with Pamela Anderson? Pigsty. Yeah, VIP with Pamela. Was it VIP?

Yeah. Pacific Blue. Was that UPN? Pacific Blue. Which one was that? That was Cops on the Beach, Bike Cops. Hell yeah, dude. They rode bicycles on the beach.

So you got some... Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High. Did you watch that? I watched an episode of that with Dana a couple months ago online. Man, what a great show. Never saw it. Sweet Valley High? They're twins or something?

They're twins. One of them's the hot one. One of them's the smart one. But they're both incredibly fucking hot. Wait, how can... They're so hot, dude. So when the one is the hot one, it doesn't mean she's dumb. Yeah, yeah.

Because they're identical twins. Well, she's a bitch, too. Oh, she acts hot. She's more popular. Right, right, right. The other one's like, you know... Because she can read. Yeah, she knows how to read and shit.

Nobody likes her. Yeah. But they have one episode where there's a kid in the school who's like the greatest musician in the world. And he's just some like dumb. He's supposed to be like a famous rock star or a painter. That's what it is. He's a painter. And he tricks the hot girl into letting him paint her naked. Hell yeah.

And then the whole school sees the picture. She's like, once the school sees that they're all gonna think i'm a fucking whore or whatever so then they trick him into being naked and then that's the episode oh that is smart yeah how big is his dick um he actually doesn't have a dick what's the moral of the story that's the moral of the story that anyone that's better than you in any way probably has a smaller dick than you. That's what we learned with Donald Trump. You know he's got a small dick because we don't like him. He's got money and stuff.

He legit probably does have a small dick. How funny would it be if he... I always thought it would be great to redo the emperor's new clothes. But then it's the end and the emperor's walking through the town and everyone just sees that the emperor has the biggest dick in the world. And then they kind of just all go home sad. And then the moral of the story is that, yeah, no, life really is unfair. No way to balance out anything.

Anything you want to accomplish, it's not going to happen. Some people are rich and you were born to die. Yeah, dude, that would be a bummer. If Donald Trump had a big ass dick, I would be mad. Yeah, yeah. I hope he does. yeah dude that would be a bummer if donald trump had a big ass dick i would be mad yeah yeah i hope he does just because it would be so funny for people i hope baron trump has a really big dick he probably does he does definitely he's a pretty big size boy i've imagined yeah for yeah no it's weird because you see him around adults and he does look like a boy he's like 10 but he's like he's huge he's like 5 11 yeah he's not 5 11 and he's look like a boy. He's like 10, but he's like... He's huge. He's like 5'11". Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not 5'11".

And he's a handsome kid is the funny thing. The other two boys I feel like aren't that big. I think Eric's maybe bigger, but Don Jr. is shorter than his dad. Well, Barron Trump's mom was China. China, the wrestler, yeah, yeah. She was their surrogate, but it was actually Trump fucked her.

Yeah. When he was on WWE. Yeah, that's the only way He would take a stunner Is if he got to Fuck that sweet China pussy That Joni Lawler

Clit Jerk off that Big ol' clit Isn't she I have a little respect Oh yeah that's true R.I.P Yeah

We're gonna get fired From Comptown For you making that joke Shit Dude I can't I think really now We've crossed the line Because of

Making fun of dead China? Because of that. Yeah. I didn't appreciate how she hit men with the low blow. That was a sexist move. You could do that to a girl and it still hurts. But it would hurt the way, like, you know. I was doing it to women at the march this weekend.

Just pussy punching? I was doing a lot I was punching women in the pussy and I was like I was like I thought I was like

pussy power punch yeah yeah and then they were like it hurts also even though we don't have balls you know that

yeah damn really so then I just apologized and they said it was okay so did you guys ever play that WWE WWE no

WWF no mercy on N64? Yeah When you did the low blow And it went Ding Did it? Yeah, I remember that That was awesome, dude

Every time you hit someone in the balls It was like a little bell went off It just made you want to hit them in the balls All the time Do you want to play that shit? Yeah, hell yeah Soda has it I have like a flash card for the N64

Oh yeah? Yeah, I have every game Hell yeah Yeah, we could do that today, actually. If you just go, we buy an extra controller. I'll plug that shit in here. Hell yeah, dude. I got to go.

Ben's still here, and I got to hang out with him. Yeah, I got to go to the gym. We'll do it, though. We'll do it. Yeah, I fucking love that game. Also, I was thinking about, have you guys seen the Jake the Snake documentary? No. Dude, Jake the Snake has-

The Snakeumentary? The Snakeumentary. He has one Jake the Snake has... The Snake Humanity? The Snake Humanity. He has one of the worst lives of all time. He was just like a fucking, you know, addict. I think his father raped his mother and that's how he was born. Hell yeah, dude. Which is a very Bane backstory. Yeah, and his dad was a professional wrestler that didn't love him.

Anyway, the whole point... It's a good documentary, whatever. Why wouldn't that be your backstory instead of like, know oh he's a snake yeah that other shit's so much better it really is the bastard yeah jake the rape product that's a much cooler also i'm not sure if that's true i think it is but um anyway they just interviewed they were interviewing a bunch of wrestlers, and they interviewed Goldust out of his makeup. Goldust rules. He's just some white trash guy who loves wrestling.

Dusty Rhodes. No, it wasn't Dusty Rhodes. Yeah, that's Goldust. Dusty Rhodes is a fucking totally different guy. What's his real name? Goldust? Yeah. I don't know.

But anyway, it's just so funny to think you're just some white trash guy who loves wrestling. All you want to do is be a wrestler, and he just gets the gay trans character. There's no way that's how you saw yourself. You didn't get that, dude. I feel like he kind of created that character. Yeah, but you're just finding a niche. You'll do anything to stick on. Goldust was insanely progressive for its time i know

and especially in a time where every other wrestling character was like the black the black guy is that progressive i thought he was just like a hair metal guy no he was gay yeah he would like be gay to the other guys his finishing move was being very gay and it would yeah it would really like antagonize the audience it would would antagonize the other wrestlers. People would just be losing their minds about... Yeah, they were so mad. I mean, he was a bad guy. He was a bad guy for being gay.

He was a high heel. He looks like Gold Violent Jay. What's his real name? Dustin Reynolds. Dustin Reynolds. Not Dustin Rolls. Because Dusty Rhodes is a completely different wrestler. Legendary.

Yeah, he rules, man. Yeah, Dusty Rhodes Jr. was one of his ring names. Okay, it's the same dude. But that's the thing. No, no, Dusty Rhodes, it's not the same dude. It was an older guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's the thing. You'll try any gimmick, and the one that stuck was just

being gay and wearing face paint and shit. Oh, he's Dusty Rhodes' son. Oh, he is? Yeah. Yeah. He actually is his son? Yeah. Oh, damn. That makes sense.

Dusty Rhodes is just like... Just telling him to be a gay guy? He's cool, dude. He was like an outer space... Yeah, he's not gay. ...trans woman. I know he's not gay IRL. That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, no. He had a woman that would come out to... He had a girl that would like come out Like he had a Yeah but he was Clearly gay Yeah yeah But he was also Fucking a hot girl His son of the ring

Named Goldust Where he teams with R-Truth What's R-Truth? I don't know It's a Reddit sub Yeah That's what it sounds like

I think that must be A new development I don't know I just remember Goldust Being gay And it being funny That he was gay to me As a child

Which probably sends the wrong message. Well, yeah, but I guess maybe it was trying to say that gay is bad, but it was still kind of insane. He was one of the most visible sort of queer characters of the 90s.

It's true. Goldust is a trailblazer. He was. He probably stole some Bowie shit, too. I mean, that's what wrestling... He totally stole Bowie's shit. All wrestling does is steal shit from other things. Of course.

It's not steal. I never interpreted him as gay. Really? What? Goldust? Yeah. He would, like, kiss guys and stuff. Yeah.

Yeah, but I didn't think it was his. And people would get so mad. I thought it was just weird. And his finishing move was, like, putting your legs, spreading your legs open and kicking you in the dick or touching your dick or something. I don't remember what it was, but it was like. Powerful move. I think it's effective.

It's a good move. But anyway, that's my wrestling take. Yeah, I remember his rival was this guy Val Venus. Val Venus was awesome. For a while, who I think was a former male porn star. And he used to come out. Hello, ladies. Hello, ladies. was a former male porn star and he used to come out he used to come out he used to come out with a fucking towel wrapped around

his waist and he would sexually take it off the Goldust character and Dustin Rhodes the person is not a homosexual Rhodes was married to W.O.F. star Terry Reynolds during the 90s and had a child named Dakota Goldust the character just plays mind games with wrestlers as told on W. Doe F. star Terry Ronalds during the 90s and had a child named Dakota. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude.

Goldust, the character, just plays mind games with wrestlers and fans. Yeah, right, dude. As told on WWE television, no, the Goldust character is not a homosexual. I don't think he was actually gay. That's what they're saying, but he was clearly gay. Yeah, he would use gay. He was gay. He would use being.

The mind games were pretending he was going to fuck them. Yeah. That was the mind games. Of course. Yeah. He was gay dusty rudge jr just doesn't want to admit he could only stick on to the wwe f by being gay as hell um but terry that's a good that's a good pull she was hot dude she was on she was like his ring girl she would like

she would accompany him yeah damn tit i beat off to so many wwe girls there's that one pic of stephanie mcmahon where you can kind of see her tits through like a shirt. Did you ever hear Michael read that fanfic that he wrote about Sable having sex with, what's that dude's name? Vince McMahon? No, the dude that did UFC with like the tattoo on his chest. Oh, Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar, yeah. No, that's awesome.

He wrote like this erotic story about them fucking each really it's so funny damn we should ask if we could read it um yeah um yeah uh i've oh man the wrestling girls were so there was pre when i when it was still aol.com when you still have to log in through aol and the dial-up days i got got in trouble for emailing my friend a picture of Trish Stratus when you could see her nipples. And Pete, it was my fucking friend Pete who ratted on me. I emailed it to him. He printed it out, folded it, and put it under his pillow.

And my dad was friends with his dad, and they just found it one day, and then he immediately ratted on me. Then my father fucking humiliated me for being a normal boy who beats off the big-tittied wrestling women. Dude, yeah. I remember Sable in fifth grade was the hottest girl. That was big. And then I looked at a picture of her recently, and I was like, ugh. That's what we were all into.

Yeah, well, she showed her tits on that one paper. I'm kind of hands off on this conversation. I didn't give this much of a shit about wrestling. Really? You never any... No, I jacked off. We've established this. I fucking have just beaten off the porn.

I didn't need to beat off the... You never beat off the wrestling girls? No. I never did either. No, never. What? I would go on a fucking specific site and find stills before videos. This is pre-video.

I would find stills of them all being naked in whatever weird softcore porn shit they were exploited into before they got into wrestling. Yeah, which arguably porn

or wrestling is a form of softcore porn. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Yep, well, anyway, you guys missed out on beating off

the wrestling girls. That's all I'll say about that. Are comics still into WWE? Like, adults? There's some comics who are. Yeah yeah that are still into it yeah uh yeah no and i think a lot for the most part it's like a put on there was a when the comic book thing got big i think it's like the new comic yeah when comic book shit got big a couple years ago when everyone's like well you know i'm really into comic books like zombies or bacon right i mean that yeah you know i like i remember talking to one or two people that were like, yeah, I just, you know,

I bought my first comics recently. It's like, no, don't. Don't do that. You're starting at 30. Don't fucking do that. And you know what? When I was growing up, I don't know a single fucking person that read comic books. Not a single fucking one of my friends read comic books.

And we were in the market for it. We played video games. We were fucking losers, you know? We would have been the people that read comic books, and none of us read comic books. The only thing I read once was Eldest would buy the Simpsons comic books, and I read two of those. And that stopped. And the only reason we did that is because we loved the Simpsons. Right, exactly.

But, yeah, I don't know anyone that fucking read comic books. And now suddenly everyone I'm friends with in comedy grew up like, well, I'm a huge, huge comic book head, you know? Can't get enough of comic books. Right. I guess it started with The Watchmen or something. Yeah, I read The Watchmen in college. No, I think it's all the movies, all the comic movies coming out.

Yeah. No, there was something before the movies, though. There definitely was that movement where everyone tried to be, where being a nerd was cool again. Yeah. Being like a sexy guy who read comic books was what being a nerd was, you know? Yeah. And I don't know.

Who's one of, like, name one. Name one what? Sexy guy that reads comic books. I don't fucking know, dude. I don't know. Whatever. I don't even know why I asked that question. But, yeah.

I don't. So, I guess that's a thing that people are into now I would it's weird because I Used to feel alienated hanging out With comics when they were all talking about comic books And then it became WWE Like two years ago I mean that's just a small group though and some people

I think that just means you grew up white trash Honestly like if you went like I like WWE I like WCW No it's but wrestling Is different because I know a lot of people that like wrestling white trash, honestly. I like WCW. No, wrestling is different because I know a lot of people that like wrestling. I liked it as a child, yeah, for sure. And I didn't because there was no

network television wrestling show. SmackDown, dude. Yeah, SmackDown came later. That's true. It came in middle school. It debuted, yeah, in 1998 or something. Right. Because Raw was all on cable.

Yeah, wrestling was real popular. The height of that Stone Cold shit was probably what, like 96, 97? I don't know, yeah. And whenever SmackDown came out, it was after that. So I would watch it just so I could have the conversations with people,

but at that point, nobody really gave a shit about wrestling. Right, it was on the way out, for sure. I got into it with my dad during the Goldberg era because he was a Jew who couldn't lose gotta hold it down for our boy dude this guy

with the tribal tattoo that wears black underpants he didn't really have much of a personality yeah his whole personality was he didn't lose and there's no reason why he didn't he wasn't that good at wrestling and his move was the spear which is just tackling someone yeah it's like an NFL tackle he sucked he sucked wcw was tight though the wolf

pack that was wca hell yeah dude i was in the wolf pack fucking love that shit uh the red one though remember ecw that was on tv that was cool it was like just guys running cheese graters across each other's faces i saw a funny clip someone sent me the other day of Bret the Hitman Hart fighting Yokozuna. Yokozuna was a Samoan guy from Hawaii playing a Japanese character. Yeah. You know, as a kid, I didn't realize that Yokozuna just meant like heavyweight. Right. I didn't realize it.

I thought it was one. There was one guy who was the best at sumo wrestling and his name was Yokozuna. That's what I thought too. Yeah. one guy who was the best at sumo wrestling and his name was yoko that's what i thought too yeah and uh it blew my mind that that yoko zuno wasn't also a sumo wrestler right in you know what's crazy about sumo wrestling there is a um a czech guy i think he was czech a couple years back who was like 190 pounds you know very like like a, you know, he's a strong guy. But compared to that. And he became like one of the best sumo wrestlers because he would just move out of the way.

Wow. He was just super fucking fast. And Japanese people were probably so mad at that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, no, you push. Yeah, yeah. No, he would like, he just dominated. Damn.

Yeah. So the moral of that story is that fat people aren't good at anything. No, come on. That even their one thing that they're supposed to be good at, sumo wrestling, they're bad at. I'll sumo wrestle you and beat you, bitch. No, you won't. You don't even know the rules. You don't either.

You would eat all the sand. Sand doesn't taste good. Yeah. Fat people don't eat anything. It has to be delicious. And then I'll eat a lot of it. I'm not just eating sand. Yeah.

Unless there's a little... Maybe somebody dropped. I'm not just eating sand. Yeah. Unless there's a little... Maybe somebody dropped a chocolate eclair in the sand. Yeah. And there's a little bit of icing left. I just... I love that they wear diapers. And that, like... Or that rope.

Like, the Yokozuna gets, like, a big rope he has to wear instead of the diaper. Remember Rikishi? His move was just sitting on people's faces with his ass out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, no. No. No. He just wore a thong.

You definitely got that guy's big fat ass all over your face. Goddamn, dude. Goldust is just coming in his pants furiously. Yeah, dude. The reason I was banned From watching wrestling And why I stopped being a fan Because right at the height Of that era

I gave my brother A stone cold stunner And But I followed through And pulled his eye Onto my knee And he just had The biggest black eye

And then I remember I was like Just play it cool dude If mom and dad ask Just chill out And he's like Should I go in my room And I was like

No no no If you go in your room It'll look like you're hiding So our plan was he was just gonna sit on the couch with a pillow over his eye

and then my mom was just like immediately walks in like why is there a pillow on your eye and he's like huh no reason

and then she pulls it off and she's got this giant black eye and she's like no more wrestling and she was like that was it and then did you

slam your mom's head through the table yeah then I rock bottomed that fucking bitch. Then I climbed up top on a fucking 20-foot ladder. One of my favorite movie-going experiences is me and my friend Jordan went to see The Wrestler. Or not The Wrestler, The Marine, the opening night. Yeah, John Cena. Yeah, and me and him were just high as shit outside the theater.

And there was a 27-year-old mom with her, like, you know, son there. Yeah, she was, like, just some hot, like, trashy single mom. And she was like, woo, yeah, y'all going to see my boy Cena? Like, we're going to go see Cena. And we're like, uh, yeah. Just sat behind her. She's bringing her son to a midnight show. Jesus Christ.

The Marine. That kid probably has a very good life right now. I mean, she seemed like a good mom. It actually touched me in a way. Wasn't John Cena's character that he was like hip-hop? At first it was, but then he became so popular that he just became hip-hop. Dude, that video. But he wears jean shorts.

That video of John Cena announcing to the crowd that Osama bin Laden's been killed is so fucking funny. It's awesome. Yeah. What an American hero. Yeah. Oh, fuck. I just remembered a funny wrestling memory. Me and my brothers went to an autograph signing of the Hardy Brothers and Trish Stratus at

East Point Mall in Dundalk. It was just like so much white trash waiting to just fucking... She was so miserable, dude. I went to like the DC Auto Expo or something, like a car show when I was like five or six

or something like that. And I met like Turbo and Laser from American Gladiators. Hell yeah. I forgot about American Gladiators. I had signed pictures of them and I kept

them underneath my bicycle seat all like folded up all shitty because I thought they were worth like millions of dollars. Like I don't want anyone to steal my

autographed pictures of Turbo from American Gladiators. Oh fuck man. People that go to that shit is so like people cherish that shit.

There are guys who legitimately just thought They could fuck Trish Stratus at that fucking signing They just thought there was like Have you ever seen the Louis Theroux documentary On bodybuilders? No It's great, they cover female bodybuilders

And there's the most Dick Fieldian guy That's obsessed with the female bodybuilders And he's like, I just love the bodies It's so strong and powerful. It's like, is this guy doing a character? I feel like all bodybuilding competitions have those people in the

crowd that are fans of the sport. The weirdest people in the world, people look at bodybuilding competitions and the guys on stage and are like, how could you do that to yourself? What possesses somebody to be that weird? And it's like, who you should be looking at are the people in the audience. It's the guys who judge those professionals.

That someone's just like, yeah, good muscles. Well, I just love it. Good enough muscle shape. All it is is who can flex better. It's not even like who, it's not even who picks up the most weight, which is like a competition. It's who looks better just flexing and oiled up. Yeah, who's good at dehydrating themselves to the point where you can see like the individual muscle fibers.

Yeah, dude, it's fucking – and they get so bronzed up too. Can we get that whatever oil that shit is and just look that way? It's just olive oil. That's it? Yeah. What I like too is like you look at some of them, and they have so much fake tanner and real tanner on their bodies that they look like a

fucking Slim Jim. Yeah. And it's like, how is blackface wrong, but that's okay? It's wrong when you do that to your face. But if you do it to your body, it's what, art and a sport? It's sport. Yeah. If you're jacked as hell, it's sport. I just want to go to a bodybuilding competition just in blackface.

Not workout. My muscles are really jacked. Start wearing black and be like, I want you to see how jacked my cheeks are. Look how big my smile is. That's why I drew this red circle around it. It's a highlight. How good my smile is. Oh, fuck.

I love that episode of Mad Men where fucking Jack Slattery... Oh, sorry. Am I spoiling this? No, it's fine. He just... I don't give a shit. It's like his wedding. His engagement or his daughters or something.

I don't even know which character that is. It's the fucking Silver Fox, the sexy Silver Fox guy who fucks. The boss? Yeah. Not the owner, Don's boss. Yeah, yeah. Is his name Roger? Mm-hmm. Anyway, to celebrate something as the entertainment, it's him

in blackface singing. It's just like... And everyone's clapping and laughing. Well, that's really all you could do at a party in theface singing. It's just like, that's like, that's like, and everyone's like, everyone's clapping and laughing. Well, that's really all you could do at a party in the 60s. You either put a, you get way too drunk and put a lampshade on your head,

and you're the comic relief, or you do blackface. Or guys wearing a tie on their head. Yeah, a tie on your head's a big bit. That's a good one. Howie Mandel built a career off that. Oh,

yeah. So, did Howie Mandel do stand up? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So did Howie Mandel do stand-up? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Wasn't his big closer? He puts a glove over his head and...

Yeah, blows it up. I mean, he was so incredibly fueled by cocaine. And he was also a germaphobe, too. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's why he shaved his head. He's worried about bugs. I actually hate... Yeah, I'm actually...

I have a full, beautiful head of hair, but I'm afraid of... Yeah, he was a germaphobe who lived in New York City. It must have been a nightmare. Maybe we're to be like a spermaphobe, like you have to wash your hands constantly because you think there's cum everywhere. It's a different kind of germaphobe. We brought this up on the podcast before. Mark Summers from Nickelodeon, like the game show host. Yeah.

He was a germaphobe. Oh, really? Have we spoken about this before? Really? Yeah, yeah. He was a germaphobe. Have we spoken about this before? He was a germaphobe. His job just involved children, working with children who were getting gack poured on their heads. The point of all those shows was to be messy. He must have

just been in a prison of his own personal hell on television yeah i love gacking was just like facials it was just like pouring green jizz on children's faces like that's that's it yeah it's gonna be great when we find out that that's our generation's agent orange is nickelodeon gack does everybody get that's why i'm dizzy right now it's from nickelodeon Gak. That's why I'm dizzy right now. It's from Nickelodeon Gak. You got Gak'd?

Did you guys ever have the Gak that you buy? Yeah, yeah, obviously. I remember you could make it at home. I remember that. They sold it too, though. Yeah, in the daycare I went to, they were like, we're going to show you how to make it because it's simple. It's like flour and water.

Yeah, it's like dish soap and flour or something. Yeah. It's a real simple process. But it's good, dude. Yeah. That was the first pocket pussy. It was gack. That was so crazy.

That's what they wanted kids to do. They wanted you to beg your parents. I mean, this is what I wanted. I wanted to beg my parents to go to Orlando, Florida so I could get green jizz poured on my head. That was like a dream. They had it at King's Dominion, though. Did they? There was some kind of Nickelodeon thing at King's Dominion.

I don't remember. Oh, you're from Vegas. Yeah. Yeah, King's Dominion kind of sucked. Sucked dick, dude. Whereas in Virginia? Yeah. I don't really like, but I'm not a theme park, I'm not an amusement park guy.

Oh, really? I think they all suck dick. The first one I ever went to was Hershey Park. I kind of like Hershey. And I fucking love that shit. When I was a kid, I was like, this is such a good idea. Yeah, when you're a little ass kid, it's the best shit on earth. Yeah.

Especially a chocolate themed one. I remember trying to describe Hershey Park to my friend after we went there and I got so excited I started crying. That was the last genuine emotion you had. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I would love to see just baby Nick fucking happy about something. Before the years of neglect dulled you. God damn.

That's a precious ass memory. Yeah. Damn, you know what? We should fucking... I want to see some baby pics, dude. Yeah. You got any baby pics? They're all burned.

It was funny. My fucking... My mom was you know i don't know where she got it was in my grandparents house it was like a photo album and shit there's all these pictures from like you know me and my cousins growing up and then there's like a two-year period where every picture of me i just have this like scowl on my face i look all depressed and i was like what why am i like this in every picture she was like my mom's like ah it i look all depressed and i was like what why am i like this in every picture she was like my mom's like ah it's just how you were i guess holy shit that is the answer to who you are that two-year period is who this that's how you fucking furious god what do you think it was dude i don't know you were getting molested and you blacked it out? No, I would remember that.

You never know, dude. Considering, like, I'd remember every minute detail of every TV show I ever watched. No, I think... I don't think I would black out. Maybe that's why you do it. Yeah. To stop yourself... Yeah, you're young enough from remembering getting your dick sucked... Yeah, you're trying to stuff your brain.

Maybe it was a Jewish guy. I don't believe in repressed memories. I don't care if you believe it. I think that's, like, just bullshit. Nah, it's real. brain. I don't believe I don't believe I don't believe in repressed memories. I don't care if you believe it. I think that's that's like just bullshit. Now it's real. What if it wasn't you

and that's why your mom now is a Holocaust denier. Wouldn't that make me that I don't think no no no because you've repressed it.

So now she thinks all Jews are bad. I think I'm on to something here. I think it's funny that your mom's a Holocaust denier. She's not a Holocaust denier. Your mom's an active Holocaust denier. She's's funny that your mom's a Holocaust denier. First of all, she's not a Holocaust denier.

Your mom's an active Holocaust denier. She's a revisionist. She's a Holocaust revisionist. What does that mean? It just means she's bad at math. Your mom's a Holocaust denier. She's a, ah, come on, not six. You went into stand-up comedy,

which is like the most Jewish thing you could have done with your life. Well, I have a Jewish family, and I grew up around Jews. Wait, so a Jewish uncle fucked you? All of the people I bullied were Jews growing up, so it's like, you know, I feel connected to them. Maybe the dad of the people you bully, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You're two targets of bullying Adam and someone who is essentially Jewish. He's not Jewish at all. Yeah, he's not. That's the only reason it's fucking funny.

He got so upset one time and he was like, let me ask you something. What if I actually was Jewish? This is a different guy. We didn't say the name. It's a different guy. Yeah, yeah. He was like, what if I actually was Jewish? I'm like, then it wouldn't be funny.

Yeah, it would just be weird. Yeah, it would just be weird. Yeah. That's why it's funny. It's literally like if you were a guy going around in blackface and everyone was making fun of you for being in blackface, you're like, what if I actually was a black person?

And they'd be like, what if I actually was a black person? Sorry, that's the voice they would use. Yeah. Fuck. What a beautiful fucking Tuesday morning it's been, boys. Sorry that's the voice You would use Yeah Um Fuck What a beautiful Fucking Tuesday morning It's been boys

Yeah Yeah it's so dreary outside But uh We also want to say Thank you to everyone That came out last night That was a killer show Thank you guys so much

Yeah Um You guys are great And we got some good shows This next month We're gonna do two So Maybe one

Maybe Yeah Okay We'll check it out. Never mind. Fuck me in the ass. Well, we got Caroline's going on. Caroline's for sure.

I'm sorry. I've been so dizzy this one. That's all right, dude. I haven't been able to pay attention. I am a little worried about your health. Yeah. I don't know. It's probably just allergies or something.

I guess, but I hope you don't die, dude. Yeah, that would suck, right? We have so many movies to watch. Actually, we might. Yeah, okay, never mind. Sorry. Thank you for listening to the show. What's the Caroline's date?

The 21st of February. As always, if you enjoy the show, there's better episodes. Go to patreon.com slash cometown. Apparently, you can't search for the show on Patreon. You can't? Yeah, I think they removed this from the listings or something. Because we say come in the name?

Yeah, probably. But if you just go backslash come town, you'll find it. Alright, thanks. Bye.