The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 38 – Good Prison vs Bad Prison

Episode Date: February 2, 2017

BDF Big dick felix joins us and we try to remember Oz and why it was bad, and we talk about why prison wouldn’t be that scary for guys like us. I’m still dying btw. I can’t breathe. This is the end. Remember me as a broadcaster. Goodnight and good luck.

Car accidents are dramatic enough, so the claims process shouldn't be. Thankfully, TD Insurance Auto Centers are a one-stop auto claim shop for all your car insurance needs. There, you'll find everything under one roof, including a helpful on-site claims advisor to walk you through the process, a certified mechanic to give your vehicle the attention it needs, and even a rental car to help you get back on the road quickly and confidently. Avoid the drama. Learn more about TD Insurance Auto Centers online. TD. Ready for you.

Theme song went anyways. How much Soul Train did you watch? I watched a little bit growing up. I would play it early as shit Sunday mornings. Before church when I was still a church-going boy. I remember being on all the time. I would watch Soul Train. Yeah, before I went to racist school.

I was actually raised in the racist religion. That's why I am the way I am today. I try to be woke, but I'm sorry. It's just my upbringing. You can't fight what's in your DNA. Yeah, we went to swastika church. We would learn how to draw swastikas. That's why I was so good at it.

And obviously, what if Hitler liked swastikas because he was an artist and they good at it. You know, and obviously that's why Fiddler likes swastikas because he was an artist and they're so much fun to draw. They are pretty cool. Yeah. That's where it started. He was an artist and he couldn't stop drawing swastikas. Yeah, it's the most fun to draw. His art teacher was like, you gotta stop doing this, Adolf. Well, it was between the swastika

and the super S. The S with the three. Those are the three. Those are pretty cool S. I was laughing during the primaries that that's what Bernie should have changed his campaign logo to. Is that S? He would have won. Oh, like Sanders with that S? Yeah, not even that.

Just the S. You just make it that S thing. Draw it on a piece of paper. I guess it is Suzuki, isn't it? Yeah, it is similar to the Suzuki logo. We got Big Dick Felix in the mix yet again. I'll intro the guest. Thank you. Bitch, I'll do whatever I want. Felix is here, logo. We got Big Dick Felix in the mix yet again. I'll intro the guests. Thank you.

Bitch, I'll do whatever I want. Felix is here, everyone. We got Big Dick Felix here. He's going to edit this part out. Here's Felix's official introduction. I should actually... You understand you're powerless. I'm the one with access to the server.

Yeah, but at least I'm making you do more work. No, you're not. I should introduce Felix because he's Jewish. And every time we have a Jewish guest, I should introduce him. Shut up, Adam. We are parentheses, brothers. Can you turn the TV off for me? Me and Adam, we didn't go to racist church, but we went to racist synagogue together growing up.

We both went to Jared Kushner's synagogue. That's true. And we actually both sucked the foreskin at the same time like in Lady and the Tramp. Lips met. That's how we met it's true there's a little baby foreskin what happens to the foreskins i always imagine i used to do a bit about putting them in like a book like a diary like a old flower and then you let it dry out in the diary like a scrapbook yeah that's what i imagine having like the parents would do actually Jewish burn Jewish burn victims get them

oh they graft them out of they give you new skin if a menorah tips over and causes a fire I think it's

isn't that good stem cell shit right there yeah there's a lot of stem cells there's actually some good ass stem cells in there

I was reading about it a couple years ago this isn't funny but it's true. They can use stem cells to create proto-skin cells or whatever and put it in an atomized spray and just spray new skin on burn victims. And instead of skin grafts, it's like a technology. Could you spray nanotech?

Could you spray an asshole shut? Yeah. That would be hilarious. That would be a funny ass prank. And then somebody's like, what good is a bathroom if you cannot shit, Mr. Anderson? And then his asshole seals and he freaks out. I said I want to go to the bathroom. I want my toilet.

In one life, you're a regular shitting man, just like everybody else. In a secret life, you're the online diaper-wearing hacker, Neo. You're telling me that I won't have to wipe? No, Neo. I'm telling you that one day, you won't even have to shit. Oh, hell no. Whoa. Totally.

Yeah, where did they shit in zion uh little shit pods uh yeah there was like a latrine type situation they had going on after the techno rave i think they had a like a yeah like a latrine station set up you know what they never explained in those movies why the machines want to kill those people? Because they want to... It's your enemy, dude. They got to harvest them for their techno. They already have people that they harvest. They already make people.

Yeah, but the machines can't do techno. Yeah, but they're trying to stop the people, them having people. Yeah, they're trying to wake everyone up. They're trying to make everyone woke. Yeah, but if they just didn't do that, then they could live in... No, but that was their whole goal.

...the middle of the world. There's no reason for... Yeah, but they were doing it. So, how about that? So, it's really the people are the bad guys. They're the ones... Oh, no. They wanted to kill the people because the people were woke.

They weren't living in the Matrix like everyone else. Yeah. But that doesn't make any sense. Why would they want to kill them? Because they're woke and they want to get them in the Matrix. They want to wake everyone else up. But if they stop, then again, it brings you back to my point that it's their fault. No, because if they wake up, then you have the chance for descent, dude.

Are all the people in the Matrix in some sort of file cabinet where they're all sleeping and plugged into those things? Yeah. The only character I really felt any kind of connection to was the Joey Pants. Joey Pantoliano, the fucking biggest villain dickhead. I want you to put me back in there, but I have season tickets to the Yanks. Yeah, his demands are such bullshit. Yeah, he wanted a steak. I want to be somebody famous.

That's actually what happens. I want to be in The Sopranos. I want to be wearing a rug That I keep in the freezer Oh man Janice really did fuck So every Ralph Cifaretta Everyone

All of his enemies Richie Richie April Richie April was such a piece of shit dude Oh he was the worst He was the biggest piece of shit The first time we see richie just paralyzes a guy for no reason he fucking paralyzes a guy because he comes in there that

was the most realistic mob thing and the sopranos was how richie paralyzed a guy because he wouldn't like give him half his pizza business yeah something like that it was yo my favorite thing about something the sopropranos did so well is that every time someone got out of jail they still had 1980s style. Yes. Like the clothes were all,

they all wore like members only jackets and stuff. And Rishi, he had that jacket, that leather jacket that he like, he beat some guy up for. And he was like,

he was the toughest guy in Burger King County. Yeah, and he gave it to Tony. No, and then he gave it to Tony and then Tony gave it to the gardeners. And he got so offended that was so awesome Tony just

is the king of shade he really is like a fucking he's better than drag queens my favorite episode of that show is when him and Bobby

get in a fight over Monopoly yeah yeah under the boardwalk he's sucking a dick don't stop So he got in trouble for We Do basically all the time

He's the man If they went another season and they had another dream sequence episode it would have just been Tony hosting a podcast Come! Get Patreon Cole! Come Get Patreon call Oh I love this show so much Oh fuck

Should this be the Sopranos episode? Nah we gotta get Racine for that one Yeah Racine's gotta be the Sopranos guy We're so Cause he's a Cause he's in the Sopranos Yeah

Yeah he's a Yeah he's dirty He made a sketch He made a sketch a couple years ago That was funny But you watch it And it's like This He just wanted to wear that track suit. Do the accent.

That's all that sketch was. Respect to Racine, though, for actually being in waste management and being a talent. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he was a garbage man. Bottling his own, canning his own sauces. The reason I went into media is because a job I had lined up in waste management fell through. And I was, no, I was like, after I graduated, I knew this family, an Italian family, of course, that owned a waste management company out east. And I was like, well, I guess that's what I'm going to do.

And it fell through. And I was too retarded to figure out how to get any other job. And here I am. Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. I wish you were in the mob right now, dude. I wish you just backed your way into the mob. This is what my great-great-uncle did.

He stole money from Capone in the 30s and then fucking self-armed. I have an uncle that likes to pretend he's in the mob. Oh, yeah? Like saying grozzy at restaurants and shit. Is he Italian or Italian? No, he's Jewish. shit he's a jewish guy oh you're jewish remember that fucking horrible restaurant in uh benny's wait wait yeah yeah benny's the sinatra did the froggies hear that that ben's or that nick's got uh jewish cousins and uncles yeah that's a good idea is riling up to people on reddit that's what we need this week.

Good call, Adam. I've been to three bar mitzvahs. Wow, what a shock. The one Jewish member of the podcast stabbing the podcast in the back. Where have I seen that before? I believe the greatest story ever told, Jesus Christ.

Yo, is Peter Rabbit about Saint Peter somebody said that I said that the other day oh you said it and I said it as a joke and then I was like

well maybe no what is Peter Rabbit no wait I'm thinking of the Velveteen Rabbit yeah Velveteen Rabbit which was uh why didn't they call it

the Circle Teen Rabbit huh wait no you fucking retard Oval Teen yeah The circle teen rabbit, huh? Wait, what? No, you fucking retard. Oval teen. No, the Velveteen Rabbit's about a kid. A callback to a thing we were talking about off mic that was wrong anyway.

Wait, what was it? The Velveteen Rabbit's about a little boy that gets HIV, and then they have to burn all his toys because he has HIV, and they're worried that the toys will get HIV And then the Velveteen Rabbit Is a toy rabbit That becomes real Which

It's made out of velvet And gets retrovirals Yeah yeah That's how they came up With the idea for Oz Yeah The shittiest show I think

Yeah Man Me and Elvis Tried to watch Oz Because I was like We were like watching A bunch of fucking We got HBO Go.

We're like, oh, let's watch – we watched Sopranos. We're like, let's watch all the classic shows that everyone talks about. And Oz is just so horribly acted. It just raped right off the fucking top. They've got that horrible narrator. What's that guy? He does Interstitial. The character's name is Augustus.

The guy in the wheelchair. Yeah, I forget. Harold and Perino. I don't know. It sucks. No The character's name is Augustus. The guy in the wheelchair. Yeah, I forget. He's lost. I forget. Harold and Perrineau. I don't know. It sucks. No, it's not Adebisi. It's Harold Perrineau, right?

That might be right. I forget the actor's name. The character's name is like August or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, that show sucks dick. Yeah, no, it's a fucking terrible show. And the guy from Whiplash Rapes, right? Everyone in the show does.

J.K. Simmons. J.K. Simmons in his first role. Just kidding, Simmons. Just kidding, Simmons. I would watch that fucking show every day when I would come home from school when I was 16. I would watch that in Sopranos. And the Sopranos, like, no, there was another Jew who wished he was in the mafia. Of course.

I went to the grocery store in my neighborhood and was like, could I get some Gabagool? Because I thought it looked good. And they're like, what are you talking about? And I realized it's not how you say it. Unless you're in one part of America. Absolutely. Oz is just... Or one part of Italy.

Although, yeah, that's the official Italian. If you do get Capricol here and they don't say Gabagool, don't get it. It's probably bad. Don't get it. My favorite... We were talking about Oz before this, but my favorite thing about it was that one of the heroes of the show was supposed to be the lib

who ran the Boz. And you were supposed to feel bad for him when the government would be like, we're shutting down your weird daycare prison because there are 500 rapes and 85 kilos of heroin are consumed daily and it's entirely run by gangs he's like no give it a chance i also don't understand what the experiment was supposed to be yeah it's like we have yeah

yeah we have we're doing an experiment in a separate part of the prison, and the experiment is like, well, we just have these people that are part of the cast, and they're in this part of the prison, and then, you know, that's really it. That's the experiment. We're not really going to put any thought

into what happens with them or how it's an experiment. We're not going to tell you what the hypothesis is. We're just going to tell you it's an experiment. We're not going to tell you what the hypothesis is. We're just going to tell you it's an experiment. That's the Oz prequel. It's that guy in front of a boardroom with a PowerPoint, and he's like, I promise you, I can increase rapes by 500% in prison.

Because Tim McManus was like a drunk, too, right? Wasn't that like he was secretly a drunk or something? Wait, was he a drunk or was he like... That had to be someone. Was that Whittlesley who was a drunk? I thought it was McManus who was the fucking drunk. He was like secretly a drunk or something. But I mean, yeah, I don't understand what the experiment was.

It sucks. Give me a job. And you can just nakedly... The gangs are just like, just doing gang deals at like the middle of the day in front of other cops. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just like. How about.

Well, the first episode they set, what's his name, on fire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They set him on fire and then. Yeah, what, that's your discreet way of prison murder? Yeah. Is is like a fucking bonfire all right we secretly set up a cannon and we're gonna fire him into the prison walls

and no one's gonna know who did it you'd be funny if like because you know beacher's in there like the show opens with beacher and he's like a you know a guy that you got a dui and fucking killed a kid or whatever so he ends up in there but and i i'm sure they do establish what everyone else did in the show but it'd be great if that was just like a minimum security white collar prison and so like adabisi was in there for tax evasion or whatever but that experiment goes so badly that they're just raping and murdering each other it's all insider training it was like it was like perfect 90s 2000s liberalism because like the main villain of the show was the republican governor of the state yeah and he got re-elected like five times in the course of the show but he only did campaign appearances at the prison and his only

campaign platforms were like uh no more smoking in the prison. We're going to kill the retarded guy in the prison. And it's like, how do people keep electing this guy? He's not doing anything. It's a very popular prison. I love when Cyril showed up and then the one thing his brother wants to do is prevent him from being raped by the Nazis. And then the Nazis rape his brother. It's like, this is such a dumb show. They kill Cyril,

too, because Cyril, like, kills a guy in a fight. And McManus, who's supposed to be, like, the bleeding-heart liberal, as the warden of the daycare prison, is like, uh, we're killing Cyril for being retarded. And they're like, it's like, you don't get to make that call.

Unilaterally execute the retarded guy. They just handed him a blister pack and let him strangle are those white collar prisons like where they're like they get lobster and they play tennis and they have they have cable knit sweatshirts and stuff is that real yeah it's real yeah that's a real thing yeah and there's no like fences either right yeah well it's everyone complaining about, like, oh, wow, how hard it was for Chelsea Manning in prison. She was in one of those. No, she wasn't. No, she wasn't.

Shut the fuck up. She got lobster every day. Yeah, actually, they make you be trans. She didn't want to be trans. It's just that's what you have to do in one of those prisons to be cool. Not only... It's a very woke prison. Right.

Not only was it not bad that she was in prison, but I'm not even going to give credit to Obama for letting her out either. I'm going to have it both ways. Where I'm saying he didn't do enough, and then also she deserved to be in jail. Look, you can't be a traitor to our boys in the fucking camo. You can't be a traitor to our boys in the fucking camo. When Manning leaked that shit, I mean, the most ghoulish shit that came out from that was probably the collateral murder video. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I loved it how the response on that from the DC pundits were like, she's probably caused hundreds of secret agents to die.

She's probably caused hundreds of secret agents to die. And then the take I saw after she got out was like, well, she didn't leak anything that we didn't know. We already knew that the collateral murder thing, that was an op gone wrong. So, you know, she's actually not a hero. It's like you were just arguing that she needs to be executed for the last six years. uh wait she's out now or she's getting she's getting out in may in may yeah yeah moving to bethesda according to a tweet i saw is she cool yeah dude she should go to uh chelsea she's she's been in prison that long your life is ruined oh once you've been in solitary confinement that long your life is ruined so it's like life is ruined You might as well just kill them I'm serious

There's no way you're going to fix that person They're going to be in therapy for the rest of your life I approach everything Like it's a bandaid that needs to be ripped off I think that's the case This is the GTA mindset When you scratch the car on the mission And then you're like oh fuck it

And you put a sticky bomb on the car. That's what I do. That's exactly what I do. Even if it's one where you don't have to keep the car nice. If you fucking cut me off in traffic and fuck it up, then I'm entering cheat codes and I'm just murdering police officers and deleting my save file.

I mean, they kept Mandela in pretty awful conditions for 35 years. Yeah, but I mean, the man was a terrorist. I don't know if he was a terrorist. He was threatening South African way of life. I don't know if he was a terrorist. I don't know if you guys lose the Nazi listeners. Yeah, yeah.

Jesus. I don't know if he was a terrorist, but I know that he was very annoying. Apparently, when he was at restaurants, he used to ask how big the thing was that he was ordering. He wouldn't tip. He was very annoying. He deserved it, too. What's wrong with asking how big the thing you're ordering is? I don't know.

I was told yesterday when I was at dinner that it was incredibly kiki of me to be like, how big is that? Yeah. There is nothing wrong with that. So this is really a story about you. You were asking about the size of the waiter's dick that you ordered because you're gay? No, I was asking how big the bowl bowl of pasta was that's a good question because you know at some places they have an endless bowl of pasta like an olive garden and you go in use promo code

come town you get 20 off the unlimited breadsticks but uh bread and salad yeah adam is right like you should ask how big it is i would do that too my grandfather got into a screaming match at bob's big boy one time because he ordered something on the menu but was looking at the wrong picture hell yeah and the picture had three sausage links in it but the thing that he ordered clearly had two in the description yes and he's like i'm not paying for this like the whole meal because they and they had to to bring him an extra sausage link on a plate. Awesome. It was this tiny fucking piece of shit sausage link that he didn't want in the first place.

My grandfather on my mom's side lived till 90, and he spent probably half of the latter part of his life doing shit like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was his favorite thing to do. What prolongs life. You know, second to stem cells is just complaining and harassing customer service employees. He and my dad were the same.

They would both order from this Chinese restaurant in our neighborhood because they knew they would fuck it up because they would get to go on the phone and yell at them, which is their favorite thing to do. Hell yeah, dude. My friend Tommy's grandfather used to bring his own bread and wine to restaurants that weren't BYOB. And he would bring his own olive oil. It got to the point where he was bringing most of the meal.

That's not even a thing that you could do in the 50s. I know. He's just old school like that. Pulling his dick out at the dinner table. He's just an old school kind of guy. I love those guys, man. They're all about to be dead. What do you mean those guys?

This is the first time I've ever heard of them. The only thing is that it's not a type of guy. No, it is a type of guy. No, it's not. He brings his own bread and wine. Who else do you fucking know that brings their own bread and wine? Those guys at Dunkin' Donuts when we were there. They did not bring their own bread and wine.

Yeah, but they would. It was three old men having a conversation, and one of them happened to be stealing napkins. It's completely different than bringing his own bread and wine. Yeah, but they would. It was three old men having a conversation and one of them happened to be stealing napkins. It's completely different than bringing his own bread and wine to the restaurant. I love those guys, man.

Those are the coolest. I'm an old school guy. I'm old school. I bring my own fucking waiter. Yeah, I wrote my own app to place my order and I installed it

on the computers here by hacking into your Wi-Fi outside the restaurant. I'm just old school like that. Yeah, I'm old school. I'm getting my own permits to open a restaurant. Hey, I automated your entire fucking workforce on my own. So now I don't need anybody else here at this Build-A-Bear except me.

So you can scram, toots. Has anyone made a joke about, never mind. Yeah, do it. No, no, no, no. About Build-A-Bear and the Build-A-Berg group? Has anyone done that? That's probably happened. Go ahead.

Do it, though. I was just asking if someone's made a joke about that. Do you mean anyone on Earth? Yeah, probably someone else. Probably. You know what? I stopped Googling puns to see if they've been done already, because for sure they have.

Yeah, they definitely all have. I tweeted Jason Porn the other day. Oh, like Jason Bourne? Yeah, except the only thing you remember is how to beat off. There's no way that that joke wasn't made 10 years ago. I don't know. That's yours, dude. I'll say it's yours.

There's no way. Jason porn. That's actually the joke that Stephen Colbert told at the White House Press Correspondence Center that caused a media blackout. He went through it like, this is too far. How about this? Jason Porn.

And they shut it all down. Did that happen? Did Colbert... Yeah, that's what he did in front of Bush. He was talking about judging with your guts or something. Yeah, he did a whole thing about WMDs and shit. It was in 2006, so people were like, this is our Mandela. Yeah.

But, yeah. Anyway, then Obama went on to do the same things that Colbert did. Right, right, right. They were like, Obama like a boss. Yeah, but he was cool in black. Should we talk about that Hillary of Hillary 1 campaign, or is that going to step on it? Are you guys going to discuss that on your show? No, we're probably not.

Yeah, yeah. I want to talk about it as soon as possible everyone found this fucking uh hillary uh oh yeah yeah if she won what was it i'm still with her yeah it was like alternative was it the list of her cabinet no you're not talking about the list of her cabinet that was like african-american yeah af, African-American pick. That was fucking awesome. Some kind of black guy. A collared fella. Howard Schultz from Starbucks.

One of those guys that brings his own wine and bread to a restaurant. You know, everyone knows what I'm talking about. That's one of those guys. Everybody knows that guy.

I may not be Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, but for my cabinet, I want an Orient Express. No, it's like an alt. It's like it's, you know, because everyone's making those like, you know, alt fucking NSA accounts. But this one is like, you know, alt president. And it's like, here's what would have happened if Hillary was president. And it's like, just had a lunch with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler sending Bill to go get

me Kit Kats. Like, literally, yes, queening. As bad. It's like a parody of itself. The reason she lost. I mean, all the Bill things are like, Bill's doing my Pinterest. But really, it should be like, Bill is raping again. Bill is on the Lolita Express.

Bill's in Thailand. I mean, I would just love, because first of all, this raid in Yemen would have happened with Hillary. Absolutely. Not ground troops. They would have just dropped bombs. No, this was planned before Trump was president. Was it? Yeah. It wasn't Trump wrote it out in crayon

and gave it to the troops. He drew the troops killing the girl. Make an example of it. First of all, figure out wherever the White House refrigerator is and put this on there. I'm going to put Baron's name on it

so nobody criticizes me. Now look, if you guys get a 10 kill streak, you get it drawn. 30, you get a nuke, okay? We're putting Treyarch in charge of special forces. Oh, man. But, yeah. It would be fun to see a response to that.

Had it been the other way, had she won. Oh, yeah, yeah. It would have sucked, dude. I would have been just as jaded. I feel great now. It would be better for the world. Probably. Oh, yeah.

I mean, it's far preferable to have, like, a fucking evil but predictable and linear neoliberal manager than a fucking psycho. Absolutely. But, I mean, the more that I think about it, it's like this rot was going to happen anyway. Yeah. This is sort of the logical conclusion of our system. Like, it's fucking awful he won and we're in fucking awful shape but also like if hillary won she it's she would have been a shitty president that everyone hated and we would have gotten probably the same thing or so even worse someone more competent than trump in four years right yeah she would

have lost to fucking uh ruby or someone in four years real bad and whatever yeah i don't give a fuck dude you do i think i think it's no i mean i think it's it's cool now i think everyone's getting woke well it fucking sucks but like the normies are radicalized and that's pretty good yeah it's chill dude uh you guys watching young pope i saw the whole thing i haven't seen it i love it it's pretty good i only watched the first three did you see jude law uh there's a there's a dubstep king arthur i think it talks about a little bit and jude law just plays the gay mean king a dubstep king no it's like uh is that like a boz lerman thing no it's uh guy ritchie yeah like a guy richie the new king arthur is guy king arthur Arthur's got a Macklemore haircut.

Which is now a fashy haircut. Right. They got taken away from Macklemore. That's his biggest contribution to society is a haircut that repopularized fascism. So take that white privilege part too. Well, actually Macklemore is Richard Spencer. That's his real name. Macklemore got fat.

Richard Spencer featuring That's his real name. Macklemore got fat. Richard Spencer featuring Ryan Lewis. When I was in the third grade, I thought I was an Aryan because of my blood clarity. When I was in third grade, I thought I couldn't say the word because I was white. And then my mom said,

go ahead and say it. When I was in the third grade, I went to comic ping pong. Oh, boy. Yeah, I don't know. It looks cool, though. Jude Law being a gay villain is perfect, dude. Dude, it's really well done because the show is so campy and queer because of the institution itself.

It's just like it's mean gay gossip guys wearing dresses that are like lords and have gold houses yeah it's like it's really well done um how the tone of it is really good they are flossed out dude catholic so flossed they got fucking chains and shit they wear gold fucking robes i mean for i guarantee amigos has a lot of the same like clothing that like oh hell yeah a fucking a cardinal has well those slippers are versace right or gucci gucci versace yeah yeah the red slippers i want gucci loafers dude to fucking the if you think about it the reformation was the first like culture war of modern european history era because the catholics who are the metrosexuals, the coastal elites. And then you have Martin Luther, who is like a big, fat guy with a bowl cut and probably autism.

And he rebelled against them by shitposting. That's in the 90s. He's like hammering them on a wall. You have to read this! You will not ban me from comments! Just a beer nerd. A Christianity nerd. Yeah, and he's like a lot of a beer nerd. A Christianity nerd.

Yeah, and he's like the meat nerd. The meat nerd. I mean, Martin Luther was such a piece of shit that his wife had to remind him to empty his shit

in piss pot because if he didn't he would just stay in his room writing posts. Yeah. You know, it's the way phosphorus was invented, or like discovered.

And I forget who the scientist that did it. No, he was just collecting his piss and keeping it in the basement for like months on end to do experiments with his own piss. And that's how he discovered phosphorus. How are you used? Essentially glow sticks. Oh, from piss?

Yeah. Glow sticks are just piss? Well, you create phosphorus by boiling urine that's been left in a basement for 40 days. What? Yeah. You ferment piss, and then you boil it, and then it boils down into phosphorus. Nice, dude. Yeah.

Hell yeah, dude. I'm about to make my own glow sticks. Yeah. That's like a fun Bill Nye thing to do with your kids. That's what's going on at Common Ping Pong. Bill Nye thing to do with your kids? That's what's going on at Common Ping Pong. Bill Nye uncensored. Instead of dry ice,

they're just making glow sticks out of piss. Instead of the little volcano, the baking soda volcano. Did you guys ever make a baking soda volcano? Yeah, that was such a gimme in the fucking science fair. Everyone would just

make that volcano, which, by the way, is not how volcanoes work. No, not at all. That's bad science to teach kids. It just looks like it, sort of. volcano, which, by the way, is not how volcanoes work. No, not at all. That's bad science to teach kids. It just looks like it, sort of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not even.

Not even, really. It doesn't have law. Yeah, it's like... Well, you got to put food color in it. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Spread food color. So true. How about you do it, but then it's instead of volcanoes, it's the beauty of menstruation.

If I had a son, i would help him make that project just a paper mache set of legs make a huge pussy just send him to science fair with an exploding pussy and i'm like you know when they get mad be like i'm sorry is there something disgusting about women's bodies to you because i will call buzzfeed that's the that's the kid that's always like, you know what I'm going to do when I'm older? Yeah, become a breast implant doctor. Gynecologist, look at pussies all day long.

Yeah, look at old ladies, fucking ravaged by cancer pussies. Just stick my head right up in there. Dude, my ex-girlfriend was a receptionist at a gyno's,'s you know whatever they're called at one of those uh hole clinics

yeah oh no at a jiffy lube you know what I mean she worked at the gash repair the gash station

she was a clam doctor yeah she worked at clamico cl double a hunk hunk mco at the She was a clam doctor. Yeah. She worked at Clamaco. C-L-A-A-H-H-H-M-C-O. At the Pat Boys.

Double A. The Pat Boys. There it is. So she's at fucking Pat Boys. Yeah. Yeah, so she worked there, and she was telling me that old ladies would have to come in because I guess you get old enough, and your shit loosens up, and if you go over a speed bump or maybe ride in an elevator that goes a little too quickly, your cervix will just fall completely out of your pussy.

Holy shit. And you have to go to the gynecologist to have them stuff it back in. He's just punching it. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. I know. He's like, hold still, gets a broom handle, and just shoves it back in.

It's like having a Snapple cap reset. We were really not meant to live as long as we do now. Oh, absolutely not. But especially women. Right? Thanks, man. Boys, boys chat podcast. That's it. You won't hear about any man's gonads falling out of his ass when he gets older well your balls do get really far i mean you know they go low as

hell dude you've seen those man i saw it today yeah yeah he's looking really nice man yeah those were low yeah low hangers i got low hanging balls balls just generally. I can't even imagine as an old man what'll happen. Yes, I think I mentioned this before that two separate women have specifically called my balls cool. And I don't know what to make of that. Cool in what way? That means that your dick sucks so fucking much that they have to compliment your balls. I have a bit that's exactly like that. They won't even lie to you about your fucking...

Yeah, all it means is I have a bit that's exactly like that. They won't even lie to you about your fucking... Yeah, all it means is I have a little dick. There's something so obvious about whose size you should be complimenting that you just skipped right over. Wow, you have a... Well, your asshole is so normal. Yeah, if I was like, wow, look at those big juicy pussy lips. Those lips. Let me mutter about those shits. That is an immaculate taint. yeah yeah that's just calling like a baby when you're like at least your baby's healthy i love how big the space in between your tits is

you've got big space uh fuck oh fuck we need to bring body shaming back folks no no okay no dude we got a body pause man that's the thing everybody's doing these what steve bannon looks like jokes and you look at him and he he might actually be objectively one of the ugliest people i've ever seen in my life oh yeah it's like i can't even yeah what you would say i feel bad i think all doctor i think all bodies are beautiful yeah yeah i mean dc is also just filled with freak shows madagasius is a normal looking person oh yeah he's a normal looking guy like he looks like madagasius looks like that fucking hot air balloon massacre that happened last year when all those balloons ran into each other oh the fucking parade

yeah i was in a parade he's 90 percent fupa there's a texas uh yeah there was a texas hot air balloon like uh fiasco really yeah it was a huge story like fucking like 30 people died what the fuck i never heard about yeah it was was like maybe three or four months ago. In a hot air balloon pileup? Yeah. What? We were doing our hot air balloon race to protest Sharia law. We were going to fly a balloon in the shape of the Bible and a balloon in the shape of the Koran to make a point. Well, they drew Muhammad on the balloon. And then Muhammad himself struck it down.

Yeah, no, that definitely happened in Texas. Let me see. I don't remember that shit at all, dude. I'm definitely looking it up right now. I can't believe I haven't heard of this. Holy shit. I thought you were talking about when they do balloons for a parade and they're deflating them and they just look like they're eating each other's asses. Because it's like Spider-Man eating Spongebob.

Hold on. That's good shit texas balloon massacre you know that's some good shit oh fuck all right let's what do we got yeah i don't know i was trying to look it up pilot pilot that the worst yeah pilot deadly texas balloon crash had drugs in his system oh yeah oh man do you know what that guy sounds cool as shit he should be played by matthew Yeah, a pilot in a deadly Texas balloon crash had drugs in his system. Uh-oh. Oh, man. You know what? That guy sounds cool as shit, though. Holy shit. He should be played by Matthew McConaughey in a movie about that tragedy. That should be the real Sully.

I just love balloons, and I love ketamine. If there's two things I love in life, it's ketamine and driving my fucking balloon. If there's two things I love in life, it's ketamine and driving my fucking balloon. He killed, it says he killed 15 people and himself. Oh, yeah. Which is a long way of saying he killed 16. Yeah. Yeah.

Holy shit. That's got to be the deadliest hot air balloon incident of all time. With the Hindenburg? I would love to see a hot air balloon fly into the Freedom Tower. Just a guy like, hello, I bought it. It just sort of presses and slides down. It just bounces off. It sort of presses in the window and deflates. Yeah, it bounces off and actually crashes into the mosque

and fills the ground zero. Bad terrorism is the funniest thing so good that's like four lines was so good man that is a great fucking movie oh it's so good yeah it's chris morris right yes yeah is that the guy from uh what's it called he's the guy with the fucked up skin that was uh the day today yes yeah have you ever watched clips of that oh he's incredible it's like the it was like a much better i think i've already gone through everything i've seen and read on the podcast already i'm out of cultural references um what about um let's see here uh what about a league a league of their own I've actually never seen A League of Their Own

Really It's good I don't think they deserve it You know what I confuse it always With Major League So I assumed I had seen it

Major League's good also It's okay I'm not a huge fan of it Isn't that like The biggest alt-right guy On Twitter uses What's his name He's gone

They kicked him off Oh they did they Yeah Yeah yeah The dude that used Charlie Sheen Yeah Charlie Sheenlie sheen's major league character is that guy would be all right that guy that guy the guy who's that the alt-right guy he was the biggest fucking carl digler fan in the world really i'm not kidding yeah he loved every and like sometimes like in the primary you'd be like all right these guys also shit on the media so like maybe they would

find this funny too but even the stuff that was like kind of apolitical like the dumb jokes we would write about like carl going to like family family court you'd be like this is hilarious and we were like we were like this is ross we're gonna make all the nazis autistic yeah i just found out that the prison planet guy is brit. Paul Joseph Watson. Yeah, isn't that weird when you first actually watch one of his videos? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, because you see his face. His avatar is hilarious. It's so funny.

He doesn't look like him at all. No, not at all. And you assume he's an American because, like, he doesn't talk about British shit. Yeah, he's really into Trump and American politics. And you watch his videos and he's like, the problem with these fellas is why I... Political correctness has gone bad. He's gone completely cuckoo cuckoo. Yeah, he looks like a Geek Squad member.

He's like the biggest Instagram thought type dude with that fucking Abby. He looks like he's in a Tom Clancy movie with that shit. I don't know this guy at all. Paul, what's his name? Something. Prison Planet? Paul Blart? Prison Planet Paul. Paul Blart.

Prison Cop? Oh, fuck. Yeah, he's... I mean, he sucks. This Stefan guy also sucks really bad, too. Dude, have you ever read the bio on his website? He looks like a shitty... Like a skinny Louis C.K. sort of, right?

He has this bio on his website where it's like... Oh, that he got raped? No, it's not even that he got raped. He was like, in 1963, an innocent and beautiful boy was born. About himself, right? And he was subjected to systematic torture, humiliation, and imprisonment. But that's what it took to birth one of the world's greatest geniuses. And later you find out it's...

Albert Einstein. He's talking about... That boy grew up to be Marine Todd. But later you find out he's talking about getting circumcised. No. Like, that's entirely what he's referring to. Wait, he's an anti-circumcision activist? Oh, of course he is.

Of course he is. I ran into those guys once in D.C. on the way to Capitol Lounge, that show on Capitol Hill. And they were protesting male genital mutilation. And I walked up to them and I was like, well, you know, I'm Jewish. I didn't have a say in it. So I never knew what that was like. And it was the weirdest cross-section of society. It was like a really angry old queenie guy.

Really? He was like, they're taking the foreskins off the babies. He's mad there's some dick he can't suck. Yeah, yeah. And then like a small Korean dude. And it was just like the strangest conglomeration. That is a fun, yeah, fun group. And then so I asked them, I was like, what do I do?

So they're like, yeah, you have an objectively worse dick. I was like, is there anything I could do? They're like, yeah, there are reattachment options. Really? Yeah, but I'll never regain the full sensitivity of a foreskin. But I could get a cosmetic foreskin reattached. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I want that.

I'm sort of a circumcision extremist where I think boys should have their entire penis cut off and then placed into my mouth. Dude, that's what a kid... A kid cut off but in your mouth is the best stance. You're not actually sucking them off. You just want them like little mints. You get under it like a baby bird

and have them snip i remember middle school that's like your mouth the kid told me that i got the mama bird feeding the worm you just swallow it whole yeah like a key that i'm trying to keep from somebody there's this juggalo kid in my p class and after 9 11 in like ninth grade he goes up to me he's like he's like you're jewish right and i'm like yeah he's like well doesn't that mean you don't you don't have a dick and i'm like hell yeah i was like no i have a dick i love what they're teaching him at juggalo school that's why they fucking bomb the twin tower sing hile and i was like all right i'll see i'll talk to you later, man. I mean, yeah.

That's why Muslims bomb the Twin Towers is because Adam doesn't have a dick. No, Israel bombed the Twin Towers because they were mad that they don't have dicks. And they made it look like it was Muslims. It was such a bad dick, it's so little of it. You know, actually, in the Hellenic period, the Hebrew Hellenic period, where Alexander the Great and the Macedonians had possession of ancient Israel. The golden years, the good times.

The best years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a Hellenization period where they would sort of like, you know, cultural erasure of Judaism. Yeah. They would, like,

for Jews to become full citizens, they would have to re-circumcise. They would have to, like, attach foreskin back on their dicks. Yes. Like, imagine the fucking kind of surgery methods they had back then.

Oh, my God. That was literally... I mean, how would you even do it? They had pretty good surgery back then. To reattach dick skin? Yeah. No, I mean, the Greeks had trepanning. You know?

They could peel your fucking scalp back and cut a hole in your skull to reduce, like reduce brain swelling. That's pretty complicated. That must have fucked your shit up, right? No, we still do that now. Really? Yeah.

Damn. If the brain is swelling to reduce pressure on the brain, you remove part of the skull and pull a metal cap over it. Damn. Yeah, they did that in Deadwood, too. Oh, yeah. The Greeks knew about that shit. Oh, yeah, dude.

Yeah, we knew about all type of shit. Well, that's the shit you come up with when your dick's so small that you have to be smart no that's a different reason that's like that's the greek national anthem no dude if your dick is small you have to be smart because that is our situation by the way our dicks are very small no dude this is anti-greek propaganda we showed everyone our small dicks in the statues and then we didn't realize that that wasn't

a normal size yeah okay look listen until after the statues were made I cannot defend the size of dicks on our statues and everyone

the rest of the world laughed at our dicks there was one guy who was good at making statues who had a really little dick the rest of us had nice sized dicks the Romans stole our culture except for the tiny dick part statues bigger dicks that's why they won the Nazis like fancy themselves like neoclassical like a like

a neoclassical like the new Roman Empire so they built a lot of these or they constructed a lot of these like uh roman style architecture buildings and then they a lot of these uh statues and hitler was obsessed with having proportional penises on the uh on the statues like a smaller penis on the statue because he wanted to promote the the uh classical that the jew had a disproportionate penis a larger penis what yeah dude that used to be the thing. That Jews had big dicks? No, dude, in the 90s.

What? Dude, like 100 years ago. Hitler believed that. So Hitler just owned himself so hard. Because with the micropene, honestly. Dude, 100 years ago. Well, that's where the black guy thing comes from, is from racists doing the same thing here.

Right. And also, yeah, it's not true. They have little dicks. No, but yeah actually in ancient greece that's right now i'm remembering it there was like you were made fun of for having a big dick like there was like they said you're like a monkey or priapus priapus was the god of having a dick that was too large oh hell yeah yeah and he fucked and well there's a disease priapism is named after him after he just looks like stave with like a huge yeah so he just And, well, there's a disease. Pryoprism is named after him. He just looks like Stav with, like, a huge... So he just looks like...

Well, no, there's drawings of him, and he's got, like, a fucking wheelbarrow that carries his dick around. That's so tight. He hit Athena in his back walls. This is the real hardcore history. That's hardcore history. Anyhow, so this is how they would fuck.

There's a guy who listened to our last premium who is very upset about our misrepresentation of rommel and then i said how did we do it and then he wouldn't tell me how but he said that he got so fucking pissed off why would you fucking let him get yeah rommel was respected patten loved rommel no he said that rommel wasn't respected by who i don't know he wouldn't tell me who cares him because i think he's a he wasn't i don't know i think he might be a choppo guy actually but uh who cares what's the matter our guys aren't really like the world war ii patent guys they're not maybe it's we got a lot of like you know civil war kids you know matt was a civil war kid uh and you got guys like me most of our fans are guys like me who know about one thing

and it makes everyone think they're smart but they're actually i actually don't know that yeah my thing is i know about nothing exactly we're zero knowing guys i know a handful of things about uh you know power tools yeah and then uh yeah. And then where shit is at Home Depot. And then that's it. I don't even have any expertise anymore. I feel stupid as shit. I used to know a few things, but now I don't know shit, dude. I literally...

And I don't even like... Yeah. I like 30 Rock. That's a funny joke. Yeah. I don't know what to talk about to like what my interests are i don't have i don't fucking care about it yeah no i mean 90 of my life now as i watch something that everyone else is watching and i go ah this fucking sucks yeah yeah that's it

that's my entire personality that's how i'm navigating i don't even watch it i sit through conversations being people like that's fucking stupid and navigating it all. I don't even watch it. I sit through conversations about strange things. I bring people like, ah, it's fucking stupid. And then it tricks a couple people and they're like, oh, this is insightful. And that's really all you do. What I do is now, you know, I play GTA V. Hell yeah, me too. Momentarily pause it to answer DMs where people are like, have you read this? And then me, just because i'm seeing the question have

you read no no i haven't but i'm going to never have never read anything someone's told me to yeah i don't think i've read a non-fiction book in the last 10 years all i read was that hannah rent book that you guys were snoring when i was trying to tell you about on the podcast oh yeah mention it again did you see that uh pierce morgan uh owned owned tried to own someone on twitter um for like that was insulting him and he was like yo incredibly ugly and her avid the person's avatar was a picture of hannah arendt that was my friend emmet emmet that was your friend yeah who Emmett Renson Yeah Who does Emmett does He will admit this

He himself Does kind of look like A rant As a guy But It's pretty fucking funny Yeah He like made fun of

Of a dead woman What's up with Pierce Why does he have a career Oh he's Trump He's Trump And he's anti-gun Why does he Why did he get to have

Didn't he have Larry King show After he went Yeah After he retiredgun. Why did he get to have... Didn't he have Larry King show after he retired? Yeah, yeah. Why? They gave it to him. He's just some British guy? He was a tabloid publisher. You know who needs to come back?

They should reboot Max Headroom. Yeah. Who's that? America needs Max Headroom right now. Who's that? It was a show in the 1980s. It was... Fuck, what's that actor's name?

He's a character actor, but it was like a computer-generated... It was like the world's first computer-generated TV host. But that would be a thing that you could reboot, and everyone would be on board with it. You know? Yeah, but you gotta... Now, Max Hedgman has to show off his titties. You gotta have...

Pan down. And then you see he's got a big old juicy pair of fucking fat titties. Oh boy. I don't know man I've never watched fucking Max Hedger but I don't know

if you've watched it. I'm just trying to keep this one going. I feel like I'm about to pass out. I've got a brain parasite. Yeah what's wrong with you dude?

I don't know man I got a cold or something. I've had a bad day. You know it's just a kind of cold. Did you do it today? The 31st haven't no i haven't because i gotta call them and he's not getting health insurance yeah i'm not getting health insurance come on man the fans are depending on it's really easy to get it through like oscar that's what i have i

have catastrophic okay yeah what is catastrophic it's like that means if you're like fucking yeah if your fucking heart blow if you need like triple bypass, you only have to pay $80 million for it instead of $90 million. Wow. Is that also $150 a month? No, way more than that, dude. It's like $350 a month. Is it catastrophic? No, no, no.

Mine's only $160 a month. Oh, okay. But what's your deductible? $7 million? Yeah. It's probably insane. Yeah, it's bullshit. Look, I'm going to be honest.

I mostly did it because so like my family would stop yelling at me about not having health insurance yeah my parents i mean like i really now that i think about it this is stupid i really should have just lied yeah yeah absolutely yeah you can get groupons for a dentist apparently it's like cheaper than health insurance yeah no what's gonna happen is they're gonna fucking nobody's gonna have health coverage and the markets will adjust because of libertarianism, and eventually going to the doctor to get a heart transplant will cost $50. And you'll need a group-up.

The markets are perfect and beautiful and pure. The markets will never let anyone die. It's never happened. Think about all the wars in history. They all happened because of regulation. Regulation. World of regulation Holocaust Regulation World War I Regulation

I would actually be able It'd be red tape, baby To fuck hotter women if it weren't for regulation That's actually my problem Because they made rape illegal Regulation is not That's regulation My dick is my business

It's my dick LLC Jesus As long as you register it as a business entity, it should be allowed to rape. My dick is an S-corp, so I'll have to jack off during the day. That's right. My dick is S-shaped. Oh, it's a pass-through. Yeah, nice.

I have a C-shaped dick. I love business, dude. I saw one of those ANCAP guys, like the super libertarian guys the other day. He was giving his theory. He was doing one of these tweet storms that everyone fucking does because of the game theory guy now. But he was like, you know what? And relationships work a lot like business. If you do twice what your employer expects of you, they'll fear you and wonder how to keep you.

And it's like, no no they won't yeah i what the fuck i suddenly have a strong memory of bill at gamestop i talked about him yeah yeah it was fucking he was working 73 hours a fucking week just getting taken advantage of by that corporation i'm there with him and it's like fucking you know seven o'clock in the morning and he's on a fucking ladder doing some shit and i'm like bill why do you work all these hours and he's like well i'll tell you i'm only obliged to work 45 hours a week but when my employers see me working 73 hours they tell me you know you're doing a great job and i'm like that doesn't translate to more money or a fucking raise and he was like well when they tell me you know this you know there's going to be good things in store for you i'm like bill they don't promote from store manager right you have to have a

fucking degree to become a district manager it's just never you there's literally no reason for you to do this at all yeah it's like a guy getting a job as a janitor in the senate and he's like i'm gonna work my way up to senate basically He wants to be like the Lieutenant Winters of GameStop. Yeah. I mean, that's libertarian is, being a libertarian

is just being a cuck for business. Absolutely, dude. It's trusting business. Like, business will fuck your ass. The Nestle guy wants to make water.

He says it's not a human right to have water. Well, it's also, too, it's like, you know, it doesn't even need to be big water well it's also too is like you know it doesn't even need to be big business if you look at like you know all this emphasis on small businesses or whatever and how small businesses get fucked over as if small business isn't as much or not more so devoid of fucking

empathy is business big businesses there's some of the shittiest people I've ever worked for or like a guy that owned like one franchise of a restaurant and he'd figure out any fucking way to cheat you on your paycheck 100% and he'd do it with a smile on his face because you know we're all in this together

it's like really? because you're not paying for my health insurance I'm making $5.50 an hour you know they'll fuck you over they would pay you that's why a minimum wage exists. Those motherfuckers would pay you nothing.

They would make you an indentured fucking servant if they could. A hundred percent. The worst job I ever had was working for a small business. Yeah. Just as far as treating me the shittiest. And I look like every fucking four years, every asshole Democrat that wears the same Carhartt hunting jacket in Iowa. Pretend that he does anything but fucks kids in pizza restaurants.

And every Republican does the same thing to pretend like he isn't flying on the Lolita Express. They stumble around Iowa and talk about how heroic small businesses are. They're not just all things that happened because someone did cocaine and had a plan to exploit people. know one of the best jobs i ever had working for the government man federal government yeah yeah oh yeah you show up late they don't fucking care they don't never get fired you know here's the scam of the republican party though sorry but the scam is is that they believe in small government so they say they want to get rid of like uh civil service but what they do is they just farm it out to private contractors that they pay three times more. Dude, you know how much...

Yeah, fucking Deloitte and fucking companies like that. Oh, they just rip off the government. They rip off the contractors. The tax phase. It's fucking hilarious. My friend worked there and he was like, hey, you want to come to this company, Happy Hour? And I was like, oh, no, I can't. He's like, yeah, it's totally free.

There's food and all the fucking booze is free. And I was like, oh, bummer. I can't. I was like, yeah, it's totally free. There's food and all the fucking booze is free. And I was like, oh, bummer. I can't. I was like, what is it? Like a holiday thing or something? He's like, no, it's every Friday. It's just like free booze and free fucking food just because it's all in the government's dime and shit. Oh, 100%.

It's awesome. He worked for the, I want to say NSA or some shit like that. He was a contractor for the NSA. I worked for the Peace Corps in college when i was at gw i worked in the office of medical services and it was sick i was just i would go through i was basically filing for them but i would go through all the workers comp claims in the peace corps i was just reading about all the ways that people get fucked up on the peace corps it was it was fucking amazing it was so much fun well the best thing about federal jobs is that they understand that if there's not something

to do, you don't have to do anything. No. You just keep getting your money until there's something to do. Right. And fucking, there's no jobs like that. Every fucking bullshit job you work, you work at retail, you work in fast food, you say, well, when there's nothing to do, just find something to make yourself look busy. It's like, why?

Why the fuck? What the fuck is the point of that? Yeah. No, you scheduled me for these hours. I did my job already. You should be praising me on my fucking efficiency. You just continue to pay me until five o'clock. And they just, they can't do that.

I mean, I was working a temp job one time at the Lower Colorado River Authority, which is some fucking bloated organization. I don't know what the fuck they do. It's a government organization. Maybe partially. I think it's like

half private owned or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Defund that shit, bitch. And yeah, they just fucking sat there all day doing absolutely nothing

and it was totally fun. Oh, no, the Peace Corps people that I worked... Meanwhile, at GameStop, when I worked at GameStop, I would have to alphabetize the fucking DS games just so they would be ruined

by children in like 20 seconds. One time... There's no reason. Why do they need to be in alphabetical order? There's no reason. Just look at them. None of them are behind each other.

Just fucking look at them and find the one you want. Well, the customers can't use their eyes. I don't have to have everything in alphabetical order. My boss right now at my job is the only boss I've ever respected. She rules. I mean, she's just a partner at a law firm that smokes a ton of tree. I remember when I worked at UMBC, I worked in the office of the graduate school.

And my boss was just this fucking awesome fat lady named kathy and she just had like uh diabetes yeah absolutely 100 had diabetes but she just didn't be funny is getting hiv from sharing diabetes needles that kind of needle sharing sharing Sharing insulin with your other cookie junkies? Yeah, dude. She was awesome. She had Kathy fucking... Her name's Kathy. She had Kathy cartoons everywhere.

And she had her best bit was she had, oh yeah, just file it in the inbox. And she had a sign that said inbox and it pointed to the trash. Which is literally a Michael Scott joke. Yeah. But whatever, dude. She was awesome

And I remember Sorry but the office nailed that shit Those kind of guys The one thing that bothered me about the office Is that no corporate HR Would ever allow that individual To be a boss of any individual When I worked at the car dealership

My fucking manager of the used car sales was this guy Chuck. And Chuck, we all worked in like a double wide trailer with all these cubicles in it. Yeah. And Chuck called every, he's like,

all right, team meeting. Everybody out here? You know, and we go out into the common area. He's like, sir, I just, I got to read you all this email that I got. This is what a woman says

and what she means. We're all standing there and he's like, you know, we all got work to do. And it's like, you know, so it's like

when she says yes, she means no. You know, she says, I'm tired. It means like, you're not getting any tonight. And it's like

the most trite bullshit. Jokes that were hacked like 70 years prior to the invention of email but he loved chain emails and he would print them out he wouldn't just send them to the rest of us he would print them out and then read them to us yes and i remember i was sitting there and one time and he's like uh so you know he's like oh i gotta tell you this one i heard the other day he's like so there's uh uh they find a bomb it's like well it they find a bomb it's like well it's not a bomb it's like a box with a bunch of wires coming out of it or something right

and there's a muslim guy there and uh so they send one police officer in and he's like all right well you know hands up you can't have like a bomb in here or whatever but wow I'm messing it up. Because it's not... Well, I don't know, man. I'm telling you, it was great. There was no more information. That was it. He didn't have anything on that fucking joke. The worst place I ever worked was... I can't say the name of the company because part of the severance package

after getting fired because my girlfriend cucked me for my best friend. Anyway. Adam worked at Blackwater. I worked at a company. I worked at a media company. What's Blackwater called now? Is it still Z?

Academi. Oh, yeah. They changed their name like nine times. Yeah, yeah. Because they want to trick people into thinking it's not Blackwater. Dippin' Dots is the new Blackwater.

I hope that Betsy DeVos Just lets Blackwater take over The Department of Education That'd be cool You are in permanent detention I am commander teacher you little cocksucker Yeah no they should They should give the fucking Department of Education

To Blackwater and then your class schedule Will be period one gym Period two gym Period three gym Just paintball class? Hell yeah, dude. Dude, anyway. That would be awesome.

You get a better education. They just taught children tactical combat, which they kind of start doing in kindergarten. I don't understand why any four-year-old needs to know what stop, drop, and roll is. Kindergarten, like, fucking jungle gym shit? That's everything I've ever seen in an Al-Qaeda training video. Exactly. Monkey bars. Kindergarten is like, yeah, you learn the basics here's like you know the alphabet here's what

you do if you're on fire you know here's the proper way to hold scissors if you're running with them you know you're running to the cockpit yeah i remember during bush they were showing us those al-qaeda videos and they were just playing fucking duck duck goose and shit we're supposed to be afraid of them why do they do monkey bars so much? How useful is that? Is it just a very- Well, the infidel could never catch you. They don't know how to-

You know, it's to have fun. That's the first rule of Al Qaeda. Have fun. There's like an improv team. If I get told to go to the roadhouse, the number one rule is be nice. Number two is respect the bar. But anyway,

the worst job I ever had was when I worked for one of those new media companies that had like FIFA and like video game consoles and snacks and all that shit

because like I was the new guy in the office and everyone at five o'clock would start drinking IPAs and stuff from the fridge and playing FIFA. I was like, Oh, this is cool.

And then I'd like go up to them meekly because I was new and I'd be like, can I, can I have a turn playing? And they'd be like, there's not enough controllers. I was like, Oh God, I'm back in fucking third grade again.

Yeah. Yeah. Because probably everyone that worked at this media company was, is emotionally stunted from no one liking them at that time. Oh, 100%. Now I have this big media company and I can exclude the other kids. People never grow out of that shit, especially not people in media. Oh, fuck no.

They're kids who sat at the front of the class and reminded everybody of homework. They're that for their entire fucking lives. They're just snitches yes dude those fucking companies that's what that's what the place i used to work we're a fun kind of company everyone stays till nine because this is where they have fun it's like no i have real friends right tight shit with like drugs and stuff yeah yeah like i don't drink ipas you fucking losers yeah that's just it's just a trick to get you to work for it. Remember in the early 2000s, late 90s, the Office of the Future always included people doing razor scooters down the hallway? Oh my God, yeah.

Do you remember that? Yeah. Razor scooters and then sitting on the fucking yoga balls. Everyone has those balls. My friend who's a reporter, he got invited to go to BuzzFeed's main office. And he comes in there and Ben Smith, who was the EIC at the time, just gave him a tour around the office while riding a Segway. And he wasn't even trying to recruit him or anything.

He was just trying to show him that he's cool now or something. Because, again, that is all these media people did you do you read that thing i think was it the new york times said like uh the story about mike the mike offices oh yeah yeah where there was like you know they're like they're all millennials or whatever it's like one girl was complaining to the ceo because something was cultural appropriation in the office or something along those lines. Some woke complaint. They're like, a month later, she was fired

for different reasons. Yeah, I love that shit. It's still just bros, but they just have fucking more tech and shit around. Yeah. They're just bros with macchiato machines.

Yeah, they're like what Felix said. They're fucking losers that get to finally be the bros, like the cock of the walk. Right, right, right. And then they're like, yeah, they're like what Felix said. They're fucking losers that get to finally be the bros, like the cock of the walk. Right, right, right. And then they're like, yeah, they're fucking dorks their entire lives. But plenty of bros get mixed in there, I feel like.

Bros are insidious, dude. Bros are everywhere. The best salesman at the dealership was his bro who had just gotten out of jail for attempted murder. Yes. Which the story was, he was at some party and like and this was he was one of those guys that like he goes to parties to get into a fight hell yeah you know i love that they're like yeah we're going to this fucking this uh you know this banging party later and this dude mike's gonna be there so me and my boys are gonna fuck him up it's like every night there's a fucking

fight you have to have with somebody me and my boys are gonna get super pissed tonight that's like the kind of guy that just goes to a stand-up show just a heckle i guess so him and this other guy yeah the story was something like with a sock with like master locks in it and he bashed some fucking dudes at him with this holy sock he killed him no well that's why they got him with like an attempted murder and i guess he did two years for for that but he was like such a nice guy you know he just loved to fight he was the best salesman at the dealership and he didn't know shit about the fucking cars either i love that he crushed it yeah because people will be like yeah i'm looking for a car he's like whatever you need bro i fucking got you like what kind of suvs you have he's like i don't know the answer to that but i'll get back to you just that positivity just that fucking oh i mean that place is great we sold uh we sold navigators lincoln navigators

back when those were hot yeah yeah i remember yeah over and there'd be lots of guys that would come in it would be like you know a 17 year old it's like i got nineteen thousand dollars in cash let's get this quick let's make this sale quick so i don't remember your face yeah you make this sale like a robbery you i'll lay down and i won't look at you just leave the 19 grand yeah dude i dude, I love that dealership. There was this Pakistani guy that worked there that was like the fucking funniest dude in the world. And there was this one time where this woman wanted, we had on the lot this like Jaguar S type

that this black woman came in that she wanted to buy. And she was clearly trans, like clearly trans. And fucking, I forget the fucking dude's name. I'll just call him Vikram because I can't remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds good. But he was like, man, look how she is so fucking hot, man. She's so fucking hot.

And everyone's like, you know that's a man, right? I mean, that's not. Yeah. You know, this is before people were sensitive about what fucking is gender. Remember he, she? Remember when people used to say he-she? She-mail. People were like, that's a fucking she-mail.

It's still she-mail in porn. That's the last, like... Yeah, it's still, like, on the tabs. It's still labeled she-mail. Well, anyhow, so he keeps saying he's like... He's saying, like, oh, yeah, I want to fuck her so bad. She has such a fat ass. She was so...

Like, a man would not have an ass like that. It's like saying all that shit and then they get her, you know, her ID to fucking run it for the test drive

or whatever. Of course, it says sex M, you know, on the ID. And fucking the finance guy, this guy Juan's laughing at him

and he's like, you wanted to have sex with a man. And then the guy just gets pissed and like, he just looks at him. He's like, like motherfucker look at you

you're like 9-10 months pregnant and you dare laugh at me something about 9-10 months pregnant that's really fucking good he just burned him so hard he's like you fat piece of shit look at you good for fucking Vikram dude

that dude was fucking hilarious getting down with some us a trans woman i wish i kept that job longer just for the culture oh yeah do it for the culture yeah and in retrospect i feel like i got enough out of it so you know probably well that's gonna be it folks thank you for joining us folks yeah and thank you felix this was uh yeah thank you for having me on guys felix for being on this was uh bdf what's that bdf oh yeah bd yes all right well you want to hit that button over there i got you home boys uh come to our shows yeah we uh on the 21st at caroline's and the 28th or 27th at come on everybody we'll plug it again all right see you