The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 39 – Petey Dat Boi

Episode Date: February 9, 2017

Funny Moms favorite and Bronx favorite and Brooklyn Favorite and New York favorite Petey Dat Boy DeAbreu joins us and we prove once and for all that the podcast isn’t racist.

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He's in the other room. We replaced Adam. Shouts out to Petey. Have I met Adam before? I think so. Yeah, you were at the show. At the soiree over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At our show, Petey's here. Yeah, huh? Have I met Adam before? I think so. Yeah, you were at the show. At the soiree over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

At our show, Petey's here. Yeah, I remember that. You guys listen to the live show. Petey from the live show is joining us. Petey, how do you say it? Dabrow? Diabrew. Diabrew.

Haukeus. I know. We're both. Both of our names should be. We're both Greek names. Yeah, we're both Greek American men. What is Diabrow? I don't know.

Well, actually, it's Portuguese. saw his Portuguese okay and the D is like the of the yes and the brave is the town I guess okay so your PDS what I was like the king who was just fucking everybody was like you of yeah yeah you had dibs you had primo noctis right how can you see that that means a bronze worker was that primo noctis rights. What's up with that? That means a bronze worker. Was that prima noctis shit? That's like some bullshit from Braveheart. It's fake, for sure. Yeah, yeah.

Where a lord could just fuck your wife on your wedding night. I love how it's your wedding night, too. He doesn't even come a couple weeks after. Braveheart's like JFK, where it's a movie that's fucking great, but completely inaccurate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Historically. I love Braveheart, though. Yeah, I it's a movie that's fucking great, but completely inaccurate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Historically. I love Braveheart, though. Yeah, I like that movie a lot.

What's the real story? The real story is that... William Wallace? He was the guy that lived in the 1980s, and he was the first Scottish guy to get AIDS. And Mel Gibson saw that, and he was like, but what if he was the guy that fought the British? Yeah, okay. And then made up all that.

Yeah, yeah. So wearing dresses became kilts, and then instead of Carposy sarcoma lesions on his face, it was the guy that fought the British. Yeah, okay. Made up all that. Yeah, yeah. So wearing dresses became kilts and then instead of Karposi's sarcoma lesions on his face, it was the blue paint. Jesus Christ. Yo, that was so smart for me. Thanks, man.

That I, like... Oh, fuck yeah, dude. I get to be the smart guy on the show this time. You're fucking super smart, bro. I love that shit. Did you see Braveheart? Yeah.

Do you like it? Yeah, that shit was gangster. I fucking love that movie. Yeah, that shit was mad gangster. Yeah. I wish he beat the British. That's my only concern. Well, the implication that he, like,

fucked the Queen of France. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's some Scottish retard from the woods who fucked the Queen of France. She cheated on the King of England with him. He's got that good dick, dude. He's got that good Scotsman dick. I like it because everyone in that was uncircumcised.

You know? They weren't circumised You know Gibson made everybody have their Foreskins sewn back on As an affront to Did you run Hollywood I appreciate that What if you never like Of course you have you fucking squeeze your dick And make it look like it has foreskin on it

I have And then I play only time by Enya And I imagine a different life where like it has foreskin on it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have. And then I play only time by Enya, and I imagine a different life where I have my foreskin. How different you could be. So what's up with the foreskin? Does it make you curthier? I think it's a visual aid. It makes your dick soft and three-quarters hard look bigger, you know?

Because I think your brain adds a head where there is no head. So it looks like an extra long shaft. I think it's cool a head where there is no head. So it looks like an extra long shaft. I think it's cool because when it gets hard it looks like your dick's taking its jacket off. Well, I have a fucked up dick

where... You get pubes on the top. You get like a Canada goose dick. My dick is so warm. That dick costs $1,500. You gotta buy this shit in Soho. 8,000 counts. My dick is fucked up, though.

My dick only goes... My head pops out half. It's like it's wearing a turtleneck. So you can't see the full helmet. Sometimes you can if I... If she really gets you excited. Yeah, it's interesting. Maybe if I'm really getting after it,

really going in there nicely. Or if it's a very i don't know it's like a turtleneck but when you accidentally try to put your head through one of the sleeves exactly yeah you can only see the top i'm always crowning yeah um which is an issue uh actually i can't believe i'm bringing up again double yeah but i talked about milner uh on the other part if you pull the foreskin back and then get hard? That works, and sometimes that happens, but then it's restrictive around the,

right before the helmet. Oh, so it fucks with your blood flow. It's like a little bit of a, it's like a rubber band. You have a too tight foreskin. It's too tight. It's one of the medically too tight foreskin.

I know, but I don't want to get circed. You should just get a circumcision at 28 years old. Just become trans, dude. That's your right I'm halfway there already You could probably use

The extra skin To make a pussy out of it I wish I still had my Fourth skin So I could get Half of it removed And have like a Two face dick

And you just flip a coin Would you leave it like Like vertically Or horizontally You have to go vertical Yeah down the Down the middle Yeah of course

So you have the Two face dick Yeah two face Do you want to Are you going to come And I just flip a coin Yeah And she never comes You have to go vertical. Yeah, down the middle. Yeah, of course. So you have the Two-Face take. Yeah, Two-Face. Are you going to come and I just flip a coin? Yeah. She never comes. It's always head. You want to know how I got these scars?

It's not the right character. It's not Two-Face at all. I don't remember what Two-Face says. He's got a coin. I'm Two-Face. Yeah, it's me. I think that's the penguin. Johnny Two-Face.

Can they throw him an acid or some shit? Yeah, they fucked his face up. Yeah, he used to be a lawyer, and then he... He was a good man. He was the DA, and then he got acid thrown on his face. My only exposure is through the Batman animated series. I never read the comics. You didn't see the Christopher Nolan joint?

I did, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, whatever. It was fine. But animated series is good as shit. I thought it was way overrated, personally. It does not hold up as much, unfortunately. It breaks my heart.

Hollywood will hit on something, and then they just carry it out to the bitter end. Oh, yeah. And they just don't learn that nobody has any interest in it anymore. Well, I think the problem is, you know how so many shitty comics do Louis, that now when you watch a Louis special, you're like, this is kind of ruined for me because

like those are open micers those aren't production companies million dollar budgets I know but what I'm saying is so many people swagger jacked the Nolan Batman that now you go back and see it and you're tired of gritty shit like that you're like oh everyone does this shit

but it's not it's not their fault that everyone jocked their shit that it kind of like takes it down a peg, in my opinion. I just thought it was a really strange message. Like, the Bane character was, like, the Occupy. Yeah. The Bane wasn't good. The Bane one wasn't good. Are we talking about the movie or the cartoon?

The movie. The movie right now. Dark Knight Rises was great. Batman Begins is okay. That's the one with Heath Ledger? Yeah. That was, like, the best. Yeah.

Also, just the problem. I think the first one was good. Also, like like props to him he literally died you know he was so hopped up did you see the way his lip twitched

all that fucking stupid Jared Leto shit where he's like he's trying to that was like real drugs yeah Leto was trying to like upstage Heath Ledger

with his Joker and it's like motherfucker you better die yeah you better fucking die from this that's the only way

you're gonna die what was it like during production to top him only way during production yeah yeah and then it was always like because a year and a half before the movie came out they're like oh heath ledger like sucked will smith's dick in the middle of the night that's how crazy he is oh now he's uh jared leto yeah yeah oh jared leto is making everyone listen to his shitty band yeah to prove how he is. He sent them condoms and shit. Yeah, he sent them condoms. Fuck Jared Leto. And plus, it doesn't even take 30 seconds to get to Mars, guys. I'm sorry.

Yo, who's Jared Leto? At first when you said it, I'm a little high. I thought you said Jay Leto. No, no. I was like, yo, who the fuck is talking Jay Leto's dick? Doesn't it take? It takes light 30 minutes to get to Mars. That's where the name comes from.

Oh, that's pretty good. I think he was talking about heroin. What? Jared Leto, 30 seconds to Mars? To Mars? Mars isn't slang for... Oh, Mars. Now you're a Marsian.

Now you're speaking Jupiterian. Yeah. Is Mars... Mars isn't slang for heroin. I don't think so. You know what the weirdest one is? Horse? Dinosaur.

Dinosaur? Yeah, that's slang for... I've never heard that. I don't know.. You know what the weirdest one is? Dinosaur. Dinosaur? Yeah, that's like slang for... I've never heard that. I don't know. I've never heard that. Junk? Yeah, that's cool. Junk is...

You got that junk in your veins, Johnny! Bone and scramble are the terms that determine quality. What about horse? That boy. Horse? What about boy?

Boy? I don't know about boy. Got that boy? Coke is girl. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh! Yeah, okay. White? What about boy? Boy? I don't know about boy. Got that boy? Cocos girl. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, okay. White girl.

Dog food? Is that what the meme is? Yeah, you heard it. I didn't know dog food. Is that what the dat boy meme is about? It's some guy trying to find heroin on a unicycle? Yeah. There's a frog addicted to heroin.

Here come dat boy. Here come dat boy. You gotta slice the... That's how they sneak it in. He's the plug, dude. Frogs, you got to slice their stomach open and get it out. He sells the blue tops off of that unicycle. I love The Wire when Stringer Bell's just going to economics class.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he just changes up the fucking... He's trying to be a real businessman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's his name fucking Avon's like

nah fuck that yo I was like bitch he's gay yo yo yo fuck fuck being smart yo we supposed to hit niggas over the head we rough and tumble

niggas he said they were rough and tumble I like I like the I like that him and Stanfield had the same problem

I love that episode where Stanfield like he's like dressed up all night, so I forget where he's coming from, and then he just sees that corner, and he just takes his knife out. He takes his knife out and just goes and stabs those children.

He's like, yeah, I still got it. My name is my name. You've got to prove that you've got the juice still. The Jew lawyer tries to make him go legit with the money, and then he's always trying to ruin something. Yeah, sorry, guys. A Jew trying to ruin a show. It would be great and remind you of anyone.

A big HBO drama. Seinfeld? A big HBO drama in the vein of Sopranos or The Wire or Boardwalk Empire. Borat Empire. It's just the Jew lawyer characters. It's just all the Jew lawyer characters. Lansman? Is that his name?

The Jew lawyer? No, that's the cop, Jay Lansman. That's the big fat guy who looks like the dad from Dinosaurs. He's like a real Baltimore guy, that Jay Lansman guy. No, it's his interlocking... We talked about's like a real Baltimore guy, that Jay Lansman guy. No, no, no. It's this interlocking... We talked about this before.

There's a guy named Jay Lansman who plays the lieutenant to... At the Western. Yeah. With Bunny. With Bunny, yeah. He's the guy who has that super Baltimore accent. He's like, I don't know about this, Bunny. No, it doesn't seem like to be a good plan to do open-air drug market, but if you think it's a good idea,

might as well do it. Yeah, that was Lansman. That's the real Lansman. And the fat guy's just some fat guy who looks like a cop. Well, also, I'm pretty sure Lansman was the basis for the character Munch, who's played by Belzer, and Belzer only plays Detective Munch on every show. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What a sweet acting gig. Imagine if you were an actor and you got one role, and then you kept getting more roles. And like, okay, in this you play a doctor. You're like, no, I'm a detective. Well, you're an actor. You're supposed to play different roles. He's like, no, I play a detective.

My name is John Munch. And they're like, no, we have a script. I play a detective. My name is John Munch And they're like no we have a script I play a guy named Munch. Yeah, I somehow just I somehow flipped a mediocre stand-up career into playing a Policeman over and over again Did that happen? I think I would do that Dude I couldn't be they should just replace ice d with you i can't do the cops no you're not more of like i gotta be the dude half the audience would be like i think that's the same guy i don't know i gotta they would not skip a fucking beat

just practice your lisp dude that's all you gotta do. It's a scowl. Yeah. How could you fuck a little girl like that? So violently. I don't understand how you could fuck her in the mouth. I love it, though. Rappers' acting careers are always so funny to me. The fucking Ice Cube is like a family comedy actor yeah like the dude that made the song no vaseline is like now he's in movies where he has to get the kids to school on time

it's awesome which is the pot of four different movies are we there yet yeah one two three and four uh was he in daddy daycare probably yeah i think he wrote daddy daycare? Probably. Yeah. I think he wrote Daddy Daycare. Him and DJ Pooh wrote Daddy Daycare. Uncle Luke. Uncle Luke's actually. That would be so good. I feel like the key to making money in Hollywood, that type of shit, the more cornier, the more successful. If you could use that muscle in your brain that creates corny ideas and be like, I know what they want.

What should we do? What should be the Comptown corny ass? Should we adopt a child together? That would be hilarious. The three of us. And Petey could be his ethnic uncle. We send our son up to the bronx for wisdom yeah we need a from street perspective right wisdom that's just not corny enough it's corny i want to do a show

where it's like a like a white dude that feels bad about gentrifying so he lies his way into a teaching position to help inner city use but he doesn't know shit about teaching so he's just destroying the education system with good intentions yeah i thought that would be a fun show yeah bad yeah um it's called it was dangerous mind fuck off cotter yeah suck them off cotter but who's it for yeah who's it for i don't know every comic every comic fucking they're like well i got this idea for a show it's four comics living in bed stye and they're mad about being judge fires and it's like no one in illinois is gonna watch yeah yeah yeah that's crazy because i've been in like three of those of course you're the black guy so let's just run this by you

you must be one of the good i'm an an open mic-er That writes the same exact jokes As everyone else in the city And here's my idea For a TV show That somehow in my head I've convinced myself Is original Dude even The Wire though

Think about that They had to get The rough and tumble dudes In a room And just talk And write down All that shit And then embellish on it

Well I mean yeah I mean David Simon Was like a You know a crime beat reporter So he was with the police Yeah, I mean, yeah. I mean, David Simon was like a crime beat reporter. So he was with the police. So, I mean, he was deeply entrenched in that world for 20 years or at least 15. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And a lot of the other guys, Pelicanos was involved. I remember some of them were actual cops. I don't know. It was a real good fucking writing staff. The night of, at least the pilot, was so good. Because I forget the guy who produced it and wrote it, but he was one of those wire guys. And that's why it has such a feel of realism. And it's got Bodhi. Yeah, the desperation of somebody accusing him of a crime.

Shut the fuck up. No crosstalk, bitches. It's Adam's fault. It's not yours. Yeah, Adam should know better, but he doesn't. Yo, you from Baltimore right No I'm from Maryland though Oh

What's up with that lake trout though You know about that shit Lake trout They talk about it It's just a shitty sandwich There's no trout in the lake Yeah yeah yeah I don't know what it's about

But every shitty like Carry out sells it I've actually never had it It's the chopped cheese Of Baltimore What's chopped cheese I don't know what chopped cheese is It's shitty

That shit is just a cheeseburger chopped up on a on a hero oh okay i see i hear people ordering it and i never you know there's a williamsburg chopped cheese place now that's like 11 dollar whole foods do they they had and i saw something like that oh my god bucks at whole foods yeah they're doing some shit like that so it's just a cheeseburger. It's hamburger helper? Yeah, it's a cheeseburger on a fucking hero. Okay.

Chopped up, though. That could be all right. With cheese. Our bodega is like halal, so there's no meat or no pork. Oh, what? Really? Yeah, it sucks. I go to a halal deli.

They got pork. Well, for them, ours is just a shitty bodega because they don't have it. They're fancy. They don't have, yeah. All you can get is turkey and chicken and it gets really fucking, you know what? Sucks.

Send them back. Are they Yemeni? Yo. Fucking list. True story. On the way here, I'm on the train and like a Muslim looking,

I sound racist. I don't know. An Indian fellow. Yeah. I don't know what the fuck is up. Yeah, yeah. An Indian looking fellow. Yeah. So I'm sitting down. You can you can tell indian guys indian guys from wrestling because any guys

are usually smiling well yeah okay okay they're usually they have a smile on their face no matter what the bodega never smile yeah but but no so i'm sitting there and the dude comes he's like hey man is it cool if I sit down next to you? And in my mind, like I'm coming from the Bronx. I don't ask nobody no fucking questions. It's a fucking free seat. So in my mind, I'm like, dude, it's a free country. Then I thought about it.

I was like, oh, no, it ain't. It's like you better fucking ask me if it's okay. So I felt entitled. Like after the train pulled over like yeah yeah better fucking ask yeah i that's you know it's important to be rude to people on public transit imagine that you're sitting there hey hey buddy can i sit down next to you yeah no now you made we don't even think you're trying to rob me yeah if you ask me any kind of fucking question i was on a packed one train one time and there was some dude like packed just fucking everybody next to each other and there's one dude and all he can move

is his head and he's like i'm gonna reach in my pocket right now i'm gonna stab him in his motherfucking eye he's gonna see i'm gonna stab this fucking dude i'm gonna touch me again i'm gonna fucking kill this dude and no one's reacting to it because we're just like fucking packed in and he's just sort of threatening the space. Dude, I just say it was great. The same exact shit happened to me. But it was one. I was on a four or five, four or five going downtown.

And a woman hit the emergency like stop. And it was rush hour. Everyone's trying to get fucking home. And she was just yelling at this African dude who I guess bumped her. And she's like, I'm an American citizen and guess what? We on Facebook live right now. I'm gonna get your ass.

Go back to Africa. Go back to Africa. I'm an American citizen. It was like, damn. Trump won like two days before that shit. You gotta turn up sometimes, man. The Pepe's must have loved that shit.

She's trying to fucking get him on Facebook live. They love Popson. They do? That's their favorite account. The Pepes must have loved that shit. She's trying to fucking get him on Facebook. Oh, yeah. They love Pop Son. They do? That's their favorite account. Of course. But the Pepes love Pop Son, who I had to stop following because he steals jokes. Does he?

Who's Pop Son? He's this guy on Twitter. He's African, actually. I think he's Liberian or something, but Liberian-American. So he grew up here, and I guess his parents. And I might be fucking up the details or whatever. Yeah. But he's like a black race realist.

So the Nazis love him because like, you know, he fucking says racist shit about... I'm fucked with him already. Yeah. He's like... We need more of that. Hold on.

He's fucking hilarious. We need more of that. He's really funny, but I saw him on numerous occasions just straight up lift jokes from other people. Oh, that's not cool. But I like his fucking approach.

Yeah. Not the thief-ery approach. Well, the Nazis have a lot in common with the Hotep guys. And so, like, I feel like they get along. Oh, they're all about historical revisionism.

Yeah, yeah. Like, you know who's awesome? I don't understand how anyone could, like, dislike the black Israelites. Oh, they're hilarious. Yo, me and my dude were smoking a blunt

on 124th the other day and we saw, like, yo me and my dude was smoking a blunt on 124th the other day and we saw like a bunch of them jump out of a suburban and like run across the street and like there was no contact it was just hilarious dressed up right like fucking chinese yeah no they look like they're in a fucking rpg they're in a quest party they're about to go kill a dragon final fantasy black that's a downloadable fantasy x i love those guys yeah no they're hilarious

although i love watching when they're just like fucking pointing out people in the street and they're like this fucking dude right here he should be killed you know and the guy just doesn't know how to like fucking pointing out people in the street, and they're like, this fucking dude right here, he should be killed. You know? And the guy just doesn't know how to fucking handle it or whatever. It's great. Yeah.

You know why? Because they have the hearts of trolls. Yeah. That's what ultimately you identify most as a troll, I think, in your heart of hearts. Even more so than comedian. You are a troll in your soul.

Yeah, I guess. Yeah. Because a lot of your comedy used to troll people. Trolls are cool. Yeah. No, it's good to fuck with people, I think. But the problem is...

That's the best way to live. If you want to live a carefree life, constantly make people upset and uncomfortable. This is what we were talking about the other day. The problem is that the early internet

was all about punching down. It was all about bullying people that are lesser than you. And now that's against the rules. Now you have to just be like you know how funny would be if that culture continued and like at midnight was like a show where four comedians they're hooked up to like stick cam and they pick a 13 year old girl and they will insult her until she kills herself and the last person to type anything into chat ch Chris Hardwick's like, you know, you just won the internet. And he all watches the girl fucking overdoses on Klondon and fucking blacks out on camera

and they're like, will you ding, ding, ding, ding, ding? A brand new car. Whatever you fucking went on at midnight. I don't know. I've never cycled. You don't win anything, I think. I did a little. You win a TV credit, bro.

Yeah. Yeah, you get to be on Comedy Central. You're like, yo, check me out tonight. Never come. I never did any cyberbullying, but I did a little. I had a little bit of middle school bullying. Yeah. Where I did some IRL bullying.

I feel like, Adam, you never bullied. Oh, no. I mean. You got bullied. We bullied my friend Tommy into now being a street magician mind freak. That's right. Petey, I feel like you had some years of bullying. You got bullied We bullied my friend Tommy Into now being a street magician Mind freak That's right That's Petey I feel like

You had some years of bullying Nah I was always funny I ran with the bullies You ran with the bullies The bullies I was like the bullies gesture You were the bully comic relief Yeah I was like

Like if the bully Couldn't think of something clever To say about you I would say it And you couldn't do anything In response Cause they were like You had immunity

Yeah They were like Yo look at this fucking dude's afro right here. They're like, blah, I punched him. That's beautiful, dude. That's a very important role. I mean, I think that's why I became funny was in middle school. There were just all these men walking around. I hadn't even started puberty.

I had zero pubes, so I had to become funny. You had to suck them off. You had to find a man. I didn't suck anyone off, okay? I said I was going to find a man. There was no suck. Adam was a middle school bitch. He didn't even take prison.

It was just like light bullying. I was holding... Made you gay. Yeah. I was holding their... You said you got HIV in sixth grade. I was holding their pocket as a bitch. Carry my bags.

It's like that Tales Gets Trolled comic with Bugs Bunny. And a quote where it's like, yeah, I used to get trolled. But then I found a way to stop it. You just do all sorts of stupid and gay shit, like dressing up like a girl and kissing them. I don't like doing it, but it works. Trolls are cool, man. Yeah. Were there trolls in the Bronx?

They're not cool. Yeah, I mean... Or was it just... Was it more naked? Just, I feel like... Trolls is like a... It's like... You're talking about...

Trump is the dopest troll of them all. He's like the god of the trolls because it's like every time... Like, imagine if you could write a post and people marched every time and you lived for that. Like they didn't know that it made you stronger.

Like every time they marched, you were just like your superpowers. That's why I love when people like look at him and they're like, wow, look how insecure he is. He gets bent out of shape over SNL. It's like, no,

he wrote one tweet in SNL dedicated an entire episode to him. There's a disparity in who's fucking angry here i heard some dude the other night at a show i don't know he was like i'm sure he is snl dude and he's just like yeah so trump said this thing about me and i was like dude who the fuck are you yeah no one gives a fuck but it's like that's how good of a troll he is. There's people that no one even knows. Yeah, he's going to troll the world, dude. Into fucking World War III. He's killing the game right now. Nick, you'll die in a beautiful troll holocaust.

No, I know how to fucking fight. I know how to make shit now. So I'm going to fucking move into the woods, start a compound, build everything myself. No, you're dead, dude. No, you're dead. Yeah, we're going to survive. You need 35,000 calories a day If you get dry

I don't eat it You're gonna die We have to lubricate your ball hole Nah Yo you ever I can survive on very little actually I uh I've been storing

There's my cheeks You survive on your little I have very gaunt cheeks There's just a lot of nuts I'm like a squirrel I'm just storing Yo dude Have you ever seen Alaska The Last Frontier bro I have very gaunt cheeks. There's just a lot of nuts. I'm like a squirrel. I'm just storing. Yo, dude, have you ever seen Alaska, The Last Frontier, bro? I have not.

You? It's just about these fucking people living off the grids. Oh, fuck, wait, I have. I have, too. It's this weird thing. They're like a family, right? And they have like, there's like- Like, brown town, some shit like that.

It's weird, dude. There's like these, there's like a strange undercurrent. It's just fucking- Yeah, they must fuck their sisters and shit. And they made up their own fucking accents, so they all talk like real weird and shit. It's fucked up. I'm pretty sure they fuck each other. Of course.

Like they're siblings. The chicks will go out and like collect lumber. What's weird about that? Are you saying you fuck your sister? No, I'm just saying it's not weird to fuck your sister. I mean... Yes, it is. Maybe Bowie taught us that.

He taught us it was okay to be weird. Yeah. My friend, like... This is a pedophile, like, David Bowie taught me it's okay to be weird. My friend, like, accidentally, like,

uncovered, like, I guess a weird part of himself, but he was like, yeah, you know, there was gay liberation, there's trans liberation. I guess the next thing is going to be incest liberation. Yeah, probably. Is it? Yeah. I was like, you fuck your brother, dude.

Because there's no real argument for why incest... If it's two consenting adults, there's no argument against why you shouldn't be allowed to have an incestual relationship. If a brother incest... And if you have fucked to have an ancestral relationship. If a brother and sister... And if you have fucked up kids, doesn't... If your brother and... I mean, it doesn't matter. I guess so.

If we have genetic typing, you can take a couple... What about rape? You take any couple and say you have a 90% probability you're going to have a kid with Down syndrome. Should it be illegal for those people to fuck? Yes. Okay. All right. We have more in common than we thought.

Politically. How about incest rapery? I don't think that would be acceptable. we have more in common than we thought politically about incest rapery I don't think that would be acceptable I mean rape I just think rape should only be legal in cases of rape or incest that was my brother it was just Thanksgiving

here's a trade off we still have federal funding for Planned Parenthood It was just Thanksgiving. Here's a trade-off. We still have federal funding for Planned Parenthood, but rape is legal within the walls of Planned Parenthood. What? That's the trade-off. So you've got to get involuntary nuts. Yeah, because look, if you go into Planned Parenthood to get an abortion, and it's going to piss off conservatives because they only approve abortion cases of rape if you're guaranteed to get raped at the planned parent then it'll always

qualify you see makes checks out hold on i can see the light bulb policy i can see the light you are a wonk, dude. The conservatives think it's... Does that mean I'm high on cough medicine right now? That's what a wonk is. The conservatives think that it's cool to have an abortion if you're raped. Generally, that's the... Not even, though, dude. Some of them.

It's not across the board. Some of them don't. Some of them don't, sure. But, like, you know, that's the exceptions people make in cases of rape or incest. Are there laws in certain states where you can't have abortions? I know they've made it more difficult. Amber can hop in on this. You know that Amber's here.

She knows. What do you want to know? At the local level, they've made it a lot more difficult to get abortions in the last couple years. But specific examples. Yeah, I mean, they have it outright. Indiana specifically, right? Yeah, I'm from Indiana. I mean, they haven't outright... Indiana specifically, right?

Yeah, I'm from Indiana. They haven't outright made it illegal, but they've done a lot of things trying to defund the only resources for it, so it's de facto illegal. It's like saying, well, look, no one's saying you can't go get whatever, chemotherapy. It's just that we've taken all of the chemotherapy drugs and moved them out of state.

They also do shit like a mandatory transvaginal ultrasound, which I don't know if that means that you are required to pay for it and then it makes it harder to get an abortion because of the additional cost. It's just about making it more uncomfortable. Would they put a big rod in your puss? Is that what a transvaginal yeah well they hook a transvaginal ultrasound i think they hooked your pussy up to a tesla coil it's not

normal i think it's pretty big um yeah okay i i think the one the one thing the conservatives the one thing the conservatives uh i i do think i have like i think the one conservative opinion i have related to this shit is that if you if a wet dream, you should have a Christian burial for those underpants. I think you should have a priest there. I mean, I think that is a life thing. You're watching Real Time with Bill Maher. I've never seen the show, so I don't know what the sound effects sound like. But you're Jewish, so you'd have to, what, you'd have to have, like, 24 hours to get

it in the ground? Like, you'd have to move quick, right? Yeah, you'd have to move quick. I have to, yeah, I have to have a hours to get it in the ground? You'd have to move quick, right? Yeah, you'd have to move quick. I have to have a Jewish funeral. It has to be in a Jewish cemetery. You can't have any tattoos. Yeah. No, but didn't Mike Pence, he said every time he had an abortion,

you'd have to have a funeral for it? Yeah, well, Rick Santorum actually did it. They brought the dead baby, the fetus home. To play with the kids. Yeah, to play with the kids. It's stillbirth. They somehow got clothes for it, didn't they? They put Ken doll clothes on the fetus.

Yeah, yeah. He had a catch. They all kissed him. He played catch with it. His book where he said that Barbara Bush brought home a crock pot of miscarriage or something. and they ate it by accident whoops that just says he's dropping off a spoon they're like oh this is so fucked up that they're so obsessed you know and I'm like this never happened mm- Mm-hmm. And then Barbara Bush.

Well, a crock pot is like, it's like a slow cooker, right? Because she is a cutthroat, she does not love her son at all, was like, yeah, I don't remember it that way at all. Yeah.

Like, she just completely threw him under the bus. She did not give a shit at all. Yeah. You guys ever have a girl have an abortion for you no yeah okay how many what like on purpose i've had like i've had like i don't even know how many like the last one was like a few years ago but that's just like three or four years that's

like a that's like a bronx thing right yeah that's what a bronx tales i haven't seen that movie but yo the chick was like, yo. I'm like, yo, I'm thinking Planned Parenthood. Like, I don't got to pay for this shit. You think it's free? It's like $700. I was like, what? Is it $700? It is two PlayStations.

Two PlayStations is how much. It was $400 when I did it. But we went to Southeast D.C. And it was the cash-only place we went to. Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. There should be a place that takes your paycheck. It was so funny.

Takes your paycheck from Wetzel's Pretzels. There's a lot of people who bounce checks at plant-based. Oh, my God. There's a dude sitting next to me with teardrops, two teardrops tattooed on his face, and he was on the phone crying to his mom. are you sure it wasn't the tattoo that's what i that i was like that was the first thought i had it was like oh were those for babies that war was it but he's crying to his mom and he's like mama this bit this bitch say she this bitch said it was uh 250 now she's saying it's uh 375 and then his boy sitting next to him,

he's like, hey, tell that bitch to bring you a receipt, though. Well, you take the survey on the bottom, you get a free abortion the next time. I think so, yeah. There's some sort of Groupon appeal. Yeah. No, I never...

I've been to Planned Parenthood for a lot of Plan Bs. Oh, yeah. No abortions. That's why I haven't. Dude, I'm a fucking... I went to Planned Parenthood to get tested one time. I think I'm shooting blanks because I've never had to fucking... And I'm not careful at all.

Yeah, yeah. I'm not. A bunch of raw dogs in this room. All raw dogs. I leave that shit in. Leave that shit in. Mom, can I borrow $375? I did too many Tim Allen noises, and I don't have the money to fix it.

But no, I went to one time, and they had a guest book, like a little composition notebook. You sign it? No, no, I just flipped through it and read all the entries. Holy shit, dude. One of the funniest things I've ever read in my entire life. Oh, no, dude. They're like, everyone was nice. Thank you so much.

Come on. I was upset when I found out that I had syphilis, but other than that, it was a pleasant experience. Oh, just for testing. I thought you were talking about the abortion guest book. I was about to be like, come on. Well, they don't let the guy into the abortion room.

It's just a little tiny handprint on each page. The whole waiting room. What are you pretending you're grossed out by abortion jokes? You started this show talking about how your dick doesn't fit through its dick skin. That's different, dude. No. That's not bad, dude. You should have been aborted.

That's my dick. My dick is half an abortion. In a perfect world, you would be barred from reproduction because of your fucked up genitals. No, dude. Because they're beautiful in their own right. You know? No. I don't agree with that. Yes, they are. No. My dick has character. Yeah.

My dick has character and it's cute. I was laughing so hard last week when you said that girls tell you you have cool balls. That's how awful your dick is. You can't even lie about it. I just have nice big balls.

Your balls are pretty neat. Yeah, chill balls, bro. Yeah, I know. That's the truth. That's my existence. But I choose to believe I just have extraordinary balls. I mean, you know. They're heavy.

They're heavy hangers. You know? Yeah. They taste good. How far... Does your dick go down to the bottom of the balls or like in the middle? Can you throw them over your shoulder like a condom? Yes.

Yeah. I absolutely can. I can throw them... I can do them pretty high, honestly. They're heavy hangers, like I said. I'll show you guys some pretty funny pictures of my balls. My balls on some stairs. Like, I was doing an American Apparel thing and I was sitting on stairs, but one ball just

kind of fell down, and it's hanging low, dude. It's pretty good. That's bonus content. We'll give that to the fans. One time, before my great-grandma died, we were at my grandparents' house, and she's sitting at the far end of the living room, and she's telling some story, some awful story about like, I think I mentioned this on a podcast before, but she's talking about like uh i think i mentioned this on the podcast before but she's talking about like well i remember being a little girl my grandmother my grandmother had a house on georgia avenue and

at the end of the block there was this chinaman and he would sell apples and me and me and my cousin uh uh eustace would run up and pull his tail and laugh and steal his apples. What was the name? Eustace, I don't know. That's my middle name. Yeah, I was coming up with old people names. Yeah. He would run up and pull his tail and steal his apples and laugh and laugh. My whole family's laughing at this hate crime story. My grandmother would pull his tail, his cue, I'm assuming.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and steal his- Like that Jet Li movie, Hero. Right. Chinese immigrant just trying to fucking sell some apples, and his children are harassing him. Meanwhile, everyone's looking on. They're all enjoying this story. I look over at my grandfather, and he's at the edge of his fucking seat,

and he's got these weird Grandpa Kirkland brand shorts on, and one of his balls is just completely hanging out of his shorts. He's enthralled by this story. I was like, what the fuck is going on what world is this that shit is so awesome that Johnny Knoxville bit from the Jackass movie

where he plays the old man the old woman yeah yeah that shit is so funny the old woman the old man yeah that's Spike Jonze

right she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like

she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like she's like Yeah, yeah. That shit is so funny. The old one with the elevator. Yeah, when they're closed, they're calling the door.

So her tit is just like... Well, I also love the one where she's kissing a young woman. And he's like, it's my granddaughter. That bitch is just pedophilia. Incest pedophilia. Yeah, but dude, it's so fucking funny. I know, I love it. Nothing is fucking funnier than Jackass. Jackass is the funniest movie.

What's the one where he takes the shit in the fucking display toilet? Oh, yeah. That's Jackass 1. That's in the first movie. R.I.P. Ryan Dunn. Hilarious, but that guy has to clean that shit up. Yeah, it's so mean. That's when punching down was cool.

Yeah. I miss the days. Dude, I'm going to fucking watch the Jackass movies after we wrap this one, boys. Should we do it? We should end the podcast early. This should be a 20-minute episode. We should watch Jackass instead. Petey, you down?

I mean, yo, my knees are hurting. I got podcast me. I got podcast me. Should we do our own version of Jackass? Dude, Jackass videos with your friends? No. Yo, we used to do the shopping cart thing. Yeah, everyone did the shopping cart thing like oh um my my my name's eric and this is jackass shut up dave shut up

david okay i'm gonna do it and then like you know it would be pushing your friend gently against a tree they're like you're so gay that would be the end of 12 year old jackass we did a jackass vid where we thought it was a jackass vid where we thought it was a jackass vid where it was like we're gonna make our friend ryan smoke weed for the first time and we just picked grass off of my friend's neighbor's like front yard and then we just rolled it up in a joint and then he smoked it we're like are you hot he's like i think so i think so they were like yeah you're a bitch I remember watching Some local news thing Some like Fox 5 thing

About some kid That was trying It's like Your children May be doing jackass At home And make sure They don't do jackass

Oh that was huge Yeah And then they showed The video of this kid And they like Set like a thing on fire And then he like Put it out with his chest

You know Like he set like a Molotov He made like a Molotov cocktail And he goes To put it out with his chest And it just Sets his chest on fire and then he like put it out with his chest you know like he said like a molotov he made they made like a molotov cocktail and he goes to put it out with his chest and just sets his chest so he's running around the backyard and his friends are like yo dude look at maddie he's on fire look at him and he's like screaming and then eventually he jumps in like the pool or something eventually he puts it out or whatever and then they cut to like him getting like all these skin grafts on his like chest and being lowered into this like you know saline solution to make the skin grafts take and it's like and that's when he's like yeah i'm mad ian and then

what's so great about that is you watch you watch the video and the response is like yeah it's not very funny dude you didn't do a good jackass i'm sorry if you would hurt yourself doing a funny jackass maybe i'd feel bad for you in retrospect what we didn't get as good jackass. I'm sorry. If you would hurt yourself doing a funny jackass, maybe I'd feel bad for you. In retrospect, what we didn't get as kids was that they were on so many fucking pills and so many drugs the entire time. For sure. And it must have been so... That's why I love the...

Sorry to cut you off, but the story of River Phoenix dying is because... Outside the club? Because he tried to hang out with the Red Hot Chili Peppers and he's just some bullshit actor that wanted to be a rock star fucked up, hung out with the Red Hot Chili Peppers for one night and died he couldn't keep up with that cause of death being a lightweight

that's what's on his death certificate he wanted to hang out with the Red Hot Chili Peppers and they're like, you sure? I don't know you pretend to be us in the movies I don't know if you can do it for real and then're like, you sure? Yeah. I don't know. I mean, you just pretend to be us in the movies. I don't know if you can do it for real. And then, yeah, lights out for him. Did he die with a tube sock on his dick naked?

Did he? Wasn't that the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Underwear, right? They would just wear underwear? Was he doing heroin? I think they were doing, they would mainline coke. They would fucking shoot up coke. Jesus.

And then do heroin right after. It was like speedballs, but they were shooting up the speedballs individually. God damn. That's why they were so great. I feel like there's not enough artists that do hardcore shit anymore. That's the real talent when it comes to music. Yeah. Is doing drugs.

Yeah, is the fucking rock music. The best music I've heard. Is the ability to do that level of fucking narcotics. Yeah, the best music. Are there any rappers that are doing heroin? I don't know.

I think you gotta be up for that. Huh? I feel like you gotta be up to rap a little bit. But I feel like it would be cool. Well, actually, I guess the codeine is kind of... Codeine, yeah. A little feel like it would be cool. Well, actually, I guess the codeine is like kind of weird.

I would respect the rapper that mixed PCP and mushrooms all the time. That's like the mindset of somebody who I would like

to hang out with. That's like some ICP shit. And let them play and everything. That is juggalo shit. That's some juggalo shit. Just go on with all their... Fago, mushrooms,

PCP. Let's get wet, guys guys that'll be our next thing get wet I never got wet man no I was always scared of hardcore shit cause my dad smoked crack

and did every heroin and all that shit oh so you were out on yeah and even like coke I've never even I've never I've done ecstasy

but coke I was when I was growing up remember they used to be like crack cocaine so they were like related so I was, I was, because when I was growing up, remember, they used to be like crack cocaine. Right. So they were like related. So I was like, I was like, that was crack. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So cocaine's for rich people. No, I know, but it was like crack and cocaine was his last name. So I was like, I'm going to fuck him with that shit. Well, cracks is cocaine's shitty son. Can't get his shit together. Cocaine's the Wall Street guy. So it's almost like saying Bond james bond yeah yeah he said the last name first cocaine crack cocaine crack cocaine yeah i've never pcp was big in uh dc

that's what tony woods was said he said everyone was doing a pit he said that that's what why martin lawrence went crazy. Because of PCP? Apparently. Once you get famous, they don't let you do PCP anymore. But I feel like whenever new drugs come out or when they're hot, like anything. It's just, you got like, I remember listening to my uncle talking about when they would smoke crack at parties. Like, you just light up a pipe in a party. Like, it's a joint.

Because it was something new. So it was like, so you don't know. Well, think about all the shit that was new at one point that now, in retrospect, you're totally embarrassed you liked. Like, the Venga Boys. Like, that's like crack cocaine. You know? Like, you didn't think that Who Let the Dogs Out wasn't going to be a cool song. You had all the Baja Men posters. Who Let The Dogs Out is a good song

I don't give a fuck what anyone says Yeah there's that I mean fucking Wu-Tang raps about fucking Smoke and Cess The combination made my eyes bleed And what's Cess? It's just What is it?

Is it PCP or Hold on what was the lyric again? Cess and weed The combination made again Smoking Cess and weed The combination made my Smoking cess and weed The combination made my eyes bleed I think it's like It's some

I always thought cess just meant weed No no I did too No no Yeah me too But it makes sense Cause he said Makes my eyes bleed

He said cess and weed Cess and So yeah It's some It's some kind of weird drug That it's like Everyone was just doing Cause he didn't know

I remember dude I remember one time My cousin did that shit He told me about it He was smoking wet He started punching people On the train for no reason PCP?

Fucking yeah Yeah Just punching people In the face for no reason And he was like I'm never gonna do drugs again He had a reason He had a reason

He was on PCP There's a totally valid reason Look if you can punch people Because you think they're a Nazi, you should be able to punch people because you're on PCP. Everyone on the train is a fucking Nazi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know PCP is bad. If it's all about perception, why not?

Being able to lift a Ford F-150 truck must be awesome. I can already do that, dude. No, you can't. Yeah, I can't do it easy. First of all, you're not allowed to buy an F-150 unless you can lift it. Unless you can curl it. You have to be,

they measure your dick. Curl it. Yeah, they measure your dick and it has to be huge. And you have to have a rescue mate on DVD. It's a ruler that says, Dennis Leary is the voice

of Ford trucks, right? They have a penis ruler at the Ford dealership. I know, I work there. And the inches are labeled Hyundai, Kia, Toyota, Mitsubishiishi Daewoo Daewoo's too high up

Datsun is the first one Well that's Nissan Oh is it? Yeah that's badass You go get it back in the Datsun days I love my dad had a Datsun Yeah? Then when I was like 16

He was like I don't know if you're my son Fucked up Wait Datsun was Nissan right? Yeah yeah Then when I was like 16, he was like, I don't know if you're my son. Fucked up. Wait, Datsun was Nissan, right? Yeah, yeah. Datsun, it was like a weird star or some shit like that. Your crack smoking dad had a Datsun?

He could hold down a Datsun? But that shit was probably when Nissan Maximus was out. Right, right. So Datsun was like, why do you have that piece of shit? Yeah, yeah. What the fuck is this piece of shit? I got a new car. You got a new piece of shit? Yeah.

Fuck this car. Take the train, bro. Yeah. You ever robbed someone? No, have you? Hell yeah. Let's hear about it. Yeah, I did one time.

Mad times. Yeah, you talked about it. I was just, I was there. I was like a happenstance. You was an accessory, bro. Yeah, pretty much. I just, I was trying. I was there. I was like a happenstance. You was an accessory, bro. Yeah, pretty much. I just, I was trying to get a ride home.

Accessorized. Yeah. How'd you get started robbing Pete? Huh? You just wanted to rob? Nah. I got robbed when I was a kid. I got robbed one time.

It was like by my closest, like one of my closest dudes stole a fucking gift. That's what's happened to me, dude. I mean, I do this show and these guys fucking take a cut. So, I understand. You get robbed and right then you gotta rob other people right because then you lose that sense of remorse where you're like right i gotta get somebody else yeah i'm gonna steal this tv while nick's sleeping one of these days this shit is big as fuck like i say i don't steal no more but i praise how much how much you think this tv costs it shit costs like at least a month's rent for me Yeah

It costs more than a month's rent for me Okay Yeah I mean I was thinking about that on the way here I was like the only reason you would live this far Is if you pay like $2 a month Something like that

Yeah It was like a real great deal I've never paid more than $600 a month in New York Yeah it's beautiful Yeah Is it because you go to like the places That's not overpopulated with fucking No the first two places I lived were Chinatown.

My first place was $3.50 a month. No one wants to live in Chinatown. Yeah, nobody does. They smell fish all day. Right. Fish and garbage. Yeah. What you do is you just pretend you're in Blade Runner.

Where'd you move there from? Lasso's in Maryland. Yeah. So that was cool. You moved to fucking Chinatown. The shittiest place I lived was in Los Angeles. I lived in a garage. You're in Larchmont, right?

Atwater. Yeah, that's a nice neighborhood, though. In a garage? Yeah, but I lived in a garage that fucking... There was sewage that would back up out of it. Soaked all of my clothes and feces it is a nice neighborhood though what atwater yeah yeah yeah atwater village whose garage was it um some some lady you know it's so funny the first place i went to like when i i was staying

on ryan stout's couch and so i started doing the craigslist thing like trying to find a place and every place i looked was a fucking nightmare and I went to one place in Atwater the first time. And, you know, it's a decently priced place. And I go in and it's like two, like, you know, like housekeeping, like those kind of ladies, like middle-aged, you know, sort of trollish looking, you know. Immigrants. Yeah. But, you know, like the ones that look like they're, you know're indentured servants for Motel 6.

And then this older Mexican guy showed me the place, and he showed me the room. He's like, I think it was listed for $500 or whatever, but he's real out of it. And the room looked like shit, and we'd have to be living with these two old women. And it was dark in there there and it smelled bad. And he shows me the bathroom and the bathtub is just backed up with fucking stagnant water. And I was like, what the fuck is this? He's like, yeah, it's okay.

It sounds like sex slave quarters. I'm like, I don't know if this is okay or not. But I was like, I just wanted a room. Maybe it would be temporary. I had to get off my friend's couch So he shows me the room And I'm like Yeah so

I'm like it's like 400 You know Everything included You know And I figured I'd just Try and shake him down Or whatever

Yeah And he was like Yeah it's fine It's whatever You know You just come Bring me the money You know

So I'm like I don't know This seems like a scam I don't know Yeah so So I'm walking out And I'm leaving the place And this This Mexican dude's like You know so I don't know, this seems like a scam. So I'm walking out, and I'm leaving the place.

And this Mexican dude's like, you know, so... He just, like, he turns to me, and he's like, if you just want to, you know, maybe come back a little later and bring your money. And he's, like, tearing up. Right? And I'm like... What the fuck?

Yeah, maybe. I mean, I'll go look at other places and then there's this like painting of the moon in like the in the trash outside and he's like do you see this i'm like yeah you know okay and he's like my girlfriend she just she just broke up with me you know i'm like oh i'm sorry he's He's like, I've been at East Florida. She broke up with me. And then he starts crying on my shoulder. And I'm just like patting this fucking middle-aged Mexican guy.

He's showing you the room. Never met him before in my life. And he's just sort of crying on my shoulder. And he's like sobbing. And I'm like, sorry, I guess. He's like, well, you come back later and bring the money. I'm like, I don't fucking know. So then I found this other place with this woman, and she's showing me the apartment.

It's a pretty good deal. It's like $600 a month, everything included. And this was the room inside the house at the time. And she's like, yeah, you know, my son's here half the time. He spends half the time with his dad. And it's like, you know my son's here half the time he spends half the time with his dad and it's like you know all this stuff dedicated to her son which is fine because people love their kids or whatever but you know she's telling me you know like oh well he's an actor and he's been in a lot of stuff you know nickelodeon likes him a lot you know he's seven oh man this kid sounds like he sucks yeah and uh so she's showing me the house or whatever and

she's like well this would be your room It looked like a nice room and shit. And I'm like, yeah, it seems like a good deal. And I'm like, fuck it, man. I just cut the check, hand it to her. I'm like, I'll move my stuff in later. And then I was like talking to somebody afterwards. And I was like, yeah, I told them the deal. And they're like, yeah.

And they're like, the kid's there? I'm like, yeah. They're like, oh, well, how many bedrooms is it? And I thought about it. I'm like, well, there's my room, the bathroom. There's her room the bathroom there's her room and then uh oh i guess this kid just doesn't exist i guess she's like because there's no room for a kid here yeah and i was convinced that she just had some dead son that she could like you

know made up in her head or died holy shit but the kid was real i just after the mexican guy experience i figured that would make sense yeah yeah so then she moved you into the garage no the kid would sleep with her in her bed there was another couple living in the garage and then there was a guy that just rented the driveway and lived in a van what the fuck the garage couple was like it was it was this kid who was like he was like near my age he was like 20 or something. And just like a dumbass, overenthusiastic dude bro. Right, of course. Like an Occupy guy? No, this was right.

I told you this story before. This was right around when Occupy was just getting started. So there was Occupy LA going on, and they went, the couple and the guy in the driveway, because there were like this bunch of people, and they were making a huge push to legalize weed across the country like you know there were those people or whatever i love it and uh and yeah they lived but that kid out in the garage was great he had like uh his girlfriend was like 29 and he was 20 and she had like a mixed race kid and the father the father was just like enormous black dude they would like come over sometimes and they would all hang out together

that is so fucking weird yeah yeah yeah and then the guy that lived in the driveway i'm i'm gonna fucking sound like a hit yeah there was a guy that lived in a van in the driveway like fucking cody from step by step and uh he was this aging hippie that was like yeah i'm like a weed activist dude i actually have everyone in for this is why la sucks because literally everyone in la won't ever say anything after hi my name is other than here's what i'm doing currently here are my fucking credits nobody's a fucking human being nobody's having a shitty time they're all just you know like they present you their resume to you immediately. So this guy's like, yeah, we actually have, like, a TV channel going on.

We actually, you know, we've all grown beyond a show. We have a whole channel now, which just meant, like, a website that had a couple of shitty videos. Right, right, right, right, right. And he wanted to call that a whole TV network. But he would just bore the shit out of me constantly. Of course, dude. An old hippie weed guy? The worst. You know, and he would fucking, you know, tell me these stories about, oh, yeah, we

got this car and we actually converted it to run on hemp oil. You know, it's like your car doesn't also need to smoke weed. I don't fucking know. And he, but he's telling this story one time and he's telling it with the same boring, casual tone he always does. He's like, yeah, you know, we kind of, we hitchhiked all the way down through Mexico into Guatemala, and then we wound up in this mountainous region. And that's actually where I learned Spanish was from the locals in this mountainous region.

And so when I would go down into the town or whatever, I'd speak my weird mountain Spanish, and everyone would laugh at me for being this gringo that didn't speak regular Spanish. And then actually this big near-Civil War level conflict broke out. And I remember going down to town one time and kids were kicking some guy's head around the street like a soccer ball.

And next week we're having a weed benefit and it's going to be great. It's just fucking like, sort of breezes past this amazing story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This amazing part of his life he delivers with the same fucking, you know, tone. I like to think that it was his fault, the Civil War.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You couldn't handle his fucking boring-ass stories. Yeah, I totally started it. Jesus Christ, dude. Yeah, that's the problem Is cause all those guys Think weed is the most Interesting thing in the world To them being in a

Fucking civil war skirmish Doesn't mean shit to them Do you have any Fun Living situations Petey Do you ever live anywhere weird I lived in a car once

For like probably a couple months A car around here Nah In Florida Florida I was like hustling And then I lost everything Oh yeah I spent everything Yeah hustling And then I lost everything Oh yeah

I spent everything Yeah yeah yeah And then I fucking Found myself like Homeless for two months Really And like I had family That lived down there

But I was too prideful To fucking ask them Of course And like I used to have like Nice cars But I lost them all And I only had like

My worst car Which was like Nah it was It was actually a 78 Monte Carlo That in my mind. Fuck yeah, dude. Well, no, that's the year they changed the body style though and they got smaller. A little.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was still long as fuck though. Yeah, but the 73 to 77 Monte Carlos are the fucking badass ones. Yeah, those are super. I saw one actually down the block. Yeah, there is. This guy's got one. It's like a gray one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I look at that car every day. In my mind, I'm like, I'm going to hook it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I lost all my money before I ever hooked it up. So the windows didn't. So I'm sleeping in a motel fucking driveway. You know who drives his 78 Monte Carlo?

Training Day. Training Day, yeah. That's what the whole idea was. I was like, I'm going to hook it up. Like, Training Day. That's awesome. What was the hustle? What was the hustle that you were at the...

It was like... I can't get into detail, but I'm like... Sure. That's how you know it's an actually awesome story. It was like a white't get into detail but I'm like sure that's how you know it's an actually awesome story it was like a white collar it was a white collar thing and I was

I guess and you would go between here and Miami you said? no I would I would live down I lived down in Florida for like maybe 8 to 9 years

okay and then I came up here to do comedy but I love that Florida is a place where bad people go to like have trashy fun

because there's no there's no like there's no uh limited there's no uh i had a cousin that moved down to miami and was just a piece of shit for a while and then he moved back to philly and was murdered by the police because no one's life story before i lived in miami i lived in orlando and uh i had just started getting money. You can't hustle in Disney World. I got carjacked in Orlando, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

In front of a police precinct. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I couldn't tell anyone that story. Like, I couldn't tell anyone that story, dude. Like, back home, I couldn't be like, yo, you know what just happened to me? Yeah. Of course not. Like, yo, who robbed you?

Mickey Mouse? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My friends got jumped right in front of the police station in Austin by like 20 guys. They formed a circle around them and sent two people in at a time to kick the shit out of them. Jesus Christ. That's like the most unspeakable place. Right in front of the police department. That's cool.

That's like a break dancing circle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it was like they suspected it was a gang initiation thing. Oh, so the cops did that. So good thing they didn't break it up. Like, what the fuck? Well done I don't know

It's funny because I see my friends Who still live in Austin They're constantly bitching about the APD You know, for cracking down on them I don't know, whatever But then they all get assaulted Like a lot of fucking assault I guess I was, technically

I got beat up by those bikers By the Sugar Ray guys Yeah, by the Sugar Ray bikers Why'd you get beat up, dude? Because I was making fun of I got beat up by those bikers. By the Sugar Ray guys. Yeah, by the Sugar Ray bikers. Why'd you get beat up, dude? Because I was making fun of Sugar Ray and some bikers got angry. Sugar Ray Leonard? The band. Oh.

The gayest sugar ray. Those guys, yeah. That's Sugar Ray. And then you did a set afterwards. I did. I did a set afterwards. With blood on you. After you got beat up.

That's legendary. Like Teddy Roosevelt got shot and still did the speech. You're basically... Yeah. That's like Teddy Roosevelt. Yeah. Got shot and still did the speech. You're basically.

Maybe Teddy Roosevelt was also nine tall boys deep at fucking 7 p.m. Yeah. You're like Werner Herzog. You get shot in the stomach and kept doing the interview. So you got. You got. What'd you get. Did you get beat up or did you just get hit a few times.

I got hit. I was. I had. You couldn't tell the next day. Oh yeah. Beat up is like your face is swollen. No no no. Which surprisingly this dude was huge. He was like this enormous guy. next day oh yeah beat up is like your face is swollen no no no which surprisingly this dude was huge

he was like this enormous guy I'm like I'm gonna be fucked up tomorrow it was nothing not a mark on me was he in the place where you were doing the set or did they kick him out no they

the cops showed up and like the cops were like what the fuck happened and I immediately was like alright I've never met you before in my life right and the cops like

no sir you have not and I'm like nah I'm gonna met you before in my life, right? And the cop's like, no, sir, you have not. And I'm like, no, I'm going to assume you, as a human being, wouldn't become furious if someone insulted the band Sugar Red. That's a normal assumption to make, right? And he was like, yeah, I'd say so. I'm like, well, ask that guy why he's so fucking mad. I'm like, Jesus Christ.

And the guy laughed about it, I guess, and we're like, you guys don't want to press charges because he punched another comic too. Really? He's like, you guys don't want to press charges?

And we're like, nah, just tell him to leave. Yeah. And he did. That was the end of it. You're awesome gangsters, man. Yeah, well.

Yeah, no snitching. No pressing charges. Well, it's mostly like it's a fucking hassle, you know? Right, do the paperwork.

Yeah, do the paperwork. I don't want to have to go to a court appearance if they ask me to. It's mostly like it's a fucking hassle. You know? Right, do the paperwork. Yeah, do the paperwork. I don't want to have to go to a court appearance if they ask me to. It's also like the guy's fucking drunk. You know? Not that I have

sympathy for him but like if he's on parole or something or probation. Fuck that, yo. Snitch. Have you flipped

in your... Nah. I'll say that now but nah. I never. No, that's what I mean. Now would you snitch, Petey? Now would I snitch? To protect your empire? Your comedy empire? I'll say that now But nah I never No that's what I mean Now Now would you snitch Petey

Nah would I snitch To protect your empire Your comedy empire That you're building Break by break I probably wouldn't snitch Cause to me I always look at it like

Dude whatever you're into You get yourself into Right right right It's like no one Forced you to do Some dumb shit Yeah Like if you're forced

Into doing some shit Against your will Then yeah Maybe snitch But if you were like You know what I'm gonna fucking rob this person I'm gonna do a little crime

With my boy Stavi Let's say snitching is wrong But what about making shit up To intentionally get an enemy Thrown in jail Like if I were to say That Dan 9 and raped And murdered a toddler

It's called lie snitching Yeah Oh lie snitching You got dry snitching That's lie snitching Dry snitching Then you got lie snitching What oh dry snitching that's lie snitching dry snitching what's dry snitching i would never snitch but i i do i do actually i probably would snitch but i can see you got a snitch face yeah yeah he looks like he'll flip real quick oh my god adam would flip quick i feel like he'd like chill for a second and then be like alright I'll tell you

but I do whenever I'm in an Applebee's sign up all my enemies for the Applebee's to go email list that is that's my version of getting back I haven't seen it they don't do it at Verizon anymore but they used to have monitors up

and you could put your name in the line and it would have have the initial for your first name, and then the rest would do your last name. And so you just sign up names like Stephen Hidhead, or Francis Agate, or whatever. And I would just fill the queue with that,

and then we'd just watch the front desk until one of the employees looks up, and then we're frantically deleting everything on the computer. That is a fucking... You know what's a good prank that I never got into but I wish I had as a teenager and I don't think you can do anymore is RF hijacking of drive-thrus.

What's that? So the headsets connect to that speaker box through like walkie-talkie shit. Oh, okay. So you can just sit outside with a scanner, find the frequency, and broadcast over the drive-thru. Get out of here. Why can't we do that now? Because I think it switched to Bluetooth.

I mean, they probably switched them all over to some kind of digital technology. Yeah, you're probably right. I had a friend in high school who used to just go to, you know, Del Talk or Jack in the Box late at night and just make a huge drive-thru order. Like when there was only one guy working and then get to the register they hand him the food and he'd be like i forgot my wallet and like 10 times out of 10 they're like all right just take the food dude i'll go what yeah if you're

like working alone and don't talk in the middle of the night they don't give a yeah no you could go into any you're making no money you can go into literally any any pizza chains and say do you have any fuck up pizzas that you're giving away? I work with homeless people and I want to give it to them. Or you could just say I'm a police officer and they'll make you free pizza. Well, I say that all the time. Or you could just say, give me a pizza and then say, give me that shit and don't pay him. What the fuck are you going to do?

And he's walking away. I mean, I've worked at all those places. What the fuck are you going to do? I worked at all those places and my honest response would be like yeah literally nothing I'm so glad you're hurting this business that's exploiting me I used to work at a sneaker store

in a fucking hood in Liberty City dude is that the town from Grand Isle dude people would do like it was in the middle of the hood so you could only imagine like we had Jordans and shit so it was in the middle of the hood so you could only imagine like we had jordans and shit so it was like fort knox for the hood right you know what i mean it's like your fucking treasury and some shit and your dudes would come in and there was like a security guard it's like

this old haitian dude with an old school revolver no one the no one cares none of the employees care like if you came in and just shoplifted we wouldn't even snitch on the person. We'd just be like, well, I guess he got a new shirt. Only thing is he's got the security thing on it so I'll bleep. Get that off. I worked at a cell phone kiosk and I guess,

I don't know who did it, but somebody jimmied open the lock and stole three new, remember the Nextel? The chirp chirps? The Nextel I830. That was like the hot. The silver and chirps The Nextel i830 That was like the hot The silver and blue joint

That was the 930 But yeah Which one was the i830 The black one Yeah it was the one That came out right before that The black and yellow one Yeah

830s before that But those were the hot phones So someone sold Either 930s or 830s How much did those cost back then MSRP was a lot dude It was like 700 bucks 600, 700

That's fucking crazy without a contract they were big like for construction right yeah initially but everyone used them

the two way everybody loved the two way shit so where you at the feds got them yo the feds is on us get rid of that shit

son the feds is on us well I remember somebody jimmied open lock and stole it and showed my boss and like the amount of fucking n words that came out of his mouth. Jesus Christ.

This is Iranian. These niggas. Yeah, yeah. He was like, I fucking, they're all the fucking same. That's the hard part about shit. Because like, I don't know. Like, tribalism, like that dude you were talking about. What was his name?

Fucking. Pop Son. Pop Son. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, he's the type of dude that's not down with tribalism like that dude you were talking about what was his name fucking uh pop son pop son like he's the type of dude that's not down with tribalism like he's not like dude because you look like me we're cool yeah right right and i'm trying i'm like the same way like i hate that like i hate having to be for your cause because we look the same you hate the automatic yeah like right yeah it's all about jokes right you know if there's a way to make a joke out of something and

do it outside that it's not giving a fuck to the, if there's a way to make a joke out of something, then do it. Outside of that, I'm not giving a shit about it. I'm not even judging. It's not giving a fuck to the extent of being like, well, you know what my people went through? I didn't go through that. I'm not trying to discredit the past or whatever, but it's just like, the fuck, bro? Yeah. If someone looks like me, I just break their glasses. Yeah, I don't like doppelgangers.

I think that's the bottom line. I don't like people that look like me. that's the bottom line I don't like people that look like that that was the worst nobody does dude when somebody finds somebody that looks like look dude I found you at this other thing

you're like shut the fuck up dude that's not me and they're always uglier they're always a little uglier it's never a hotter version I see styverses all day long yeah

no you don't public transit actually we do have that game where we'll be in public and we'll see a fat guy and we're like look it's styver sty stuff i don't have my beautiful uh inner fire that was the worst thing in the world moving here for comedy and then just going to a mic and seeing like 40 different dudes

that look like yeah there are a hundred of you yeah they're like uh yeah i'm a Jewish. Where'd you move from? Shut up, kike. What? DC. We all just stand up in DC together. Oh, shit. And they're literally all named Adam Friedland, too. I don't know how that's even possible. My favorite is the guys on the Patreon.

They call you Aaron in the comments. Oh, those are my fans. Those are my number one fans. That's the funniest shit in the world. Aaron Friedland. Yeah, I really don't like the Aaron guy. That is such awesome disrespect. Not even bothering to learn your name while fucking saying you suck.

Listen, dude. I love him. I love him each and every one of them. Any publicity is good publicity. Even if they spell your name wrong. That's why I cause trouble online. We lose $400 five hundred dollars in subscribers every time I do it.

But eventually it goes back up like 20 bucks. Yeah. The right is abandoning us. The left is abandoning us. That's what

when I was writing for Thought Catalog I had like a meeting with them and when I first started writing with them and I wrote some article that was like

like children's letters to the war on Christmas troops. And I just drew all these like, you know. Yeah, yeah, that's funny. Childish drawings or whatever. Or you know what? I think it was, I think it was like, there was some BuzzFeed article that was like, British people try to draw a map of the United States. And like everything's placed wrong. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Don't know what this is, mate, you know, or whatever. So I did some fucking thing that was like, well african kids try to draw a map of the united states there's like bite marks in the map and it was like please send food and the guy who owned the company like uh he met with me he's like yeah dude we lost 300 facebook likes off that like a bunch of people said they'll never read the website again i'm like oh shit i'm sorry he's like no that's good dude he's like that's what i want because you know eventually we're going to get a new audience from it's going to bring other people and we're going to like diversify so i'm really excited about this and uh that just never happened i continued to destroy their brand

until eventually they hired jim goden gavin Gavin McInnes and then made their name for themselves being a racist website. Jesus. That's crazy. It went from like a teenage girl feelings website to like a racist men's website. What was the website? Overnight. Did you like the website? Thought Catalog.

I didn't know that. Thought Catalog? Yeah. Well, they hired Jim Goad and a lot of people don't like Jim. Jim's been around for like 30 years. I mean, he was like a zine guy. Gotcha. I feel like it's not racist if you don't kill the race you're talking about.

Yeah, that's my rule. No, it's still going to be racist. Unless murder happens. Or you don't give him a job. But even then, that's your fucking right if you're the employer. Milo gets railed out by black dudes, so he can't be racist. It's actually literally not. That's against a lot of laws.

Well, say you're an employer and you don't like Asians. You don't got to hire. How do they know you don't like Asians? Because none of them work for you? Well, look, you can cheat the system, but you're not supposed to. You can find a way to obfuscate

the reason you're not hiring. Also, if you're an employer, you like Asians. That's who you want i didn't want to say black people but you don't like black people you're like all right you're like all right jamal i don't want to fucking hire you no they would get yeah that's illegal as hell you're not even asians working for me they're like yes i do another 15 hours today. I will make every product faster. And they do it efficiently and well. Asians are dope, man. When they shut down the bodegas the other day, I was a little nervous.

But I'm like, well, the Chinese people are still here, so we're good. As long as the fucking chicken wings are fried hard. Oh, yeah. You care more about money. I love a damn Chinese food chicken wing. Dude, I got a chicken soup yesterday for $2. Really? Was it good?

I mean, it was chicken soup. Chicken noodle soup. Dude, did you watch The Night Of? Only saw the first episode. They hit up my girl in The Night Of. They go to my old favorite dumpling spot. Really? That fried dumplings place on Moscow.

Moscow, in between Mott and Mulberry. There's like a dumpling place. In that little fucking alley? Yeah. I thought they a dumpling place. In that little fucking alley? Yeah. I thought they shut that down. Didn't they shut it down because they said they were making the dumplings in the fucking I'm telling you, no. There's a different place.

Prosperity Dumplings. Prosperity. Got shut down because they were making dumplings in the back with rats crawling all over the place. Just outside? Yeah. Those are good dumplings. They were good.

They're cheap as hell. No, this place is fucking cool. Was it $4 for a dollar? He goes there, and they let the woman who works at the place be in the show. Oh, tight.

He's like, let me go to the dumpling place. She's like, yeah, five minutes! They just left her in there. That's the most, yeah, that's the most realistic part.

Because the location guy was like, hey, yeah, so we're going to shoot here, and then we'll have someone behind the counter, and they'll play you or whatever.

No, five minutes. Yeah. I guess she just stays in. She's basically Chinese Detective Munch. That's what happened. I'm a detective. I play Munch. She's in fucking Law and Order now.

I'm Richard. Lichard. Wow, fuck. That's a hard one. Lichard Berzer. Berzer. That's one for the ages. Litchell? Was he?

Litchell? Little Richard, that must be a hard one for him, huh? Little Richard. Little Richard. Little Richard. Come on next, karaoke. Is this racist or funny? Oh, it's racist.

Hold on. It's both. It is 100% racist. Yeah, yeah. Without question, inexcusably racist. You're saying Riddle Lichard is racist. It's definitely racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%.

No, we're not, you know. This is going to entertain the fuck out of people. I'm just saying. Yeah. If I heard this shit, I'd be like, man, these guys are fucking entertaining as fuck. The people that get mad about this shit are already mad. And those are the people I don't want to be friends with. Yeah, so it doesn't matter, you know?

Well, I don't know if it's racist. It's more of a thought experiment. You know, how would a racist person... Well, racism in general is a thought experiment. If they were making fun of a Chinese person saying Little Richard, how would they do it? Also, you know, you could be racist but still be great art, right? Well, this is not what this is. Like I said, racism is great art. racist but still be great art right well this is not what this is

like I said we do not make great art I think it's great art one day we could I think this is like I could get into painting I feel like

I'm like I'm like a I'm like a soul from like one of the old dudes that got away like when they were hanging people and like

but I live now and I'm just like man you guys think this is bad they ain't roping you up for this shit this ain't racism this is someone's thought

yeah the worst thing that happens nowadays is you get punched people there's different punchings going on and that's like not even

you know state murder of black people there's Nazis everybody should be punched in the face but back in the day they were like yo we're killing black people

everybody come to the party and watch this shit sure it's not they were day, they were like, yo, we're killing black people. Everybody come to the party and watch this shit. Sure, it's not. They were toasting. They were like, hey, look at this thing's balls, fry it up. That is true. That's why they shut Prosperity Dumpling down. That's how they were making them. The end ball dumplings.

Pan fried. Damn, I'm hungry. But nah, it's fine. Go for a dumpling. Pan fried Damn I'm hungry Yeah I could Go for a dumpling Yeah well we've We've uh Fulfilled our Obligated time slot

So we're I didn't mean to End the episode With what? What the fuck are you doing? Why are you rubbing yourself? I got the cat hair Cause I put my feet up here

On the Alright The ottoman Yeah Wow that's the end of the episode wait shouldn't we say when the show's in sugar yes we got Caroline's on

the 21st and then on the following Monday on the 28th or 27th I can't remember we're back at come on everybody you guys have to come to both of them I know that we're doing too many shows now you're gonna be over littered with come boy content but you gotta come to both of them. I know that we're doing too many shows now. You're going to be over littered with come boy content, but you got to come to both.

I think the same one's going to be a fundraiser so you feel good or something. Maybe if one of them should be a fundraiser. We're going to get well, anyway, all of the Patreon money does go to charity. You guys are fucking nuts. It goes straight to the ACLU.

Oh, I'm about to say, you guys are nuts. I would do charity if I had millions. Until I get millions, I'm not giving them any shit. I'll do a little charity. Do you want to plug anything? I want to fucking, I don't know, man. I'm out here. Just find me.

Look for me in the credits. I don't know. You guys got credits and shit. People look at the credits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always say that. At the end of the shit, people go, what do you want to plug? I'm like, dude, just fucking look me up, man. Yeah, fucking look me up yeah he's a great comic for those that don't live in

new york he was on uh i don't know if he was on one of the premium he was come town he was was it that shit was lit was that before we recorded no he was on that shit was so lit he's hilarious and thanks for doing it all that shit yeah we Hell yeah Do you guys still do that place? Yeah That shit was dope Yeah yeah yeah Alright bros We're back at the end of the month Well come to our shows

Thanks for listening Bye Later