The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 4 – Beef Squashers

Episode Date: June 1, 2016

After some trouble in paradise, Adam is left as the only Cum Boy. Dickfield has a medical emergency, and Adam meets Dickfield’s very outspoken cousin. Will Cum Town ever be the same? Find out on the final episode of America’s Most Beloved Podcast

What's up? What the faggots come town for? What's up? What the faggots? Comptown 4. This is This American Cum. This American Cum. This is the big one, dude. I know I said the last one was big, but this one's even bigger than the last one.

It's huge. This is a plus size. This is an Ashley Graham size podcast, dude. This is Two Dope Comes. Two Dope Comes on WCUM. W-C-U-M. W-C-U-M. Hey, this is... Okay.

Let's introduce ourselves, Nick. Yeah, Nick, a.k.a. the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake. We got Stav, a.k.a. the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake. And Adam, of course. What's up? Puerto Rican Rattlesnake, We got Stav, aka the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake. And Adam, of course. What's up? Puerto Rican Rattlesnake, Adam Friedland. What's going on, everyone?

We're the Puerto Rican Rattlesnakes of comedy. It's nice to have Adam back. Yeah, dude. Yeah, great. Yes, it's great to have you back. Thanks, guys. Yeah, it feels great to be here.

It was cool having a guest, but Dan really kind of stunk. Yeah, Dan wasn't as good as you, buddy. That's how we feel for sure. Yeah, it feels great to be here. It was cool having a guest, but Dan really kind of stunk. Yeah, Dan wasn't as good as you, buddy. That's how we feel for sure. Yeah, we were like saying, what's that? Can I be real for a second on the podcast? Of course. This is a 100% real zone.

I know that we're like joking around. All right, you guys, like, I think, poo-pooed on me a little bit on that last episode. No, we didn't. What are you talking about? Dude, I got texts from people. They were like, first of all, you lied to us about being the host of Calm Down. Second of all, your boys are roasting you, dude.

Dude, I don't think so. You guys were flat-hand Brandon Wardell roasting me on the pod, and I wasn't even on it. That's not true. That's a complete lie. I wasn't even on it to defend myself. I don't know who told you that, but they're a fucking liar. Yeah, who was that? Name names, dude.

I mean, they're friends of mine people that listen to the podcast they're lying dude we didn't say a negative word about you we're glad that you're back dude it's on okay first of all it's a podcast it's recorded you can check it like you can like look it up what did we say then bitch yeah we didn't say anything you said that i ruined the podcast and that i'd never be on again never maybe in private conversation i've like maybe offered constructive criticism about your behavior. You never gave me constructive criticism.

You just shit on me when I wasn't on the show. No, I've said it a couple of times. Look, you need to understand that when you come in here to the Anthony Cumia Studios at the top of the Empire State Building, this is the Eagle's Nest of podcasting. The stakes are higher.

Don't make me out to be a PC pussy ass bitch. Don't make this all about your political bullshit where you're mad at. That's who you are, bitch. No, no, that's bullshit. This is an alpha male podcast. This is about friends that started comedy together that are trying to fucking do a podcast together and not shitting on each other. They're shitting on everyone else.

We didn't shit on you. Okay. Relax. Nobody shit on you. I'm hot. I'm hot right now. And it's not, I just, I would expect. Dude, you're about to get banned. you. Okay, dude. Relax. Nobody shit on you. I'm hot. I'm hot right now. And it's not... I just...

I would expect... Dude, you're about to get banned. I can't... Yeah, I can't believe you would even do this. Don't ban... You would accuse me of these things. Okay, get Dan back. Especially me.

Get Dan back. Considering I bought all the shit. Everyone knows I'm the gear guy of the crew. I'm the one that makes all this shit happen. And you're going to say that I did something to sully our friendship. Dude, I had... When I went to B&H Photo and I had to deal with that...

You know who owns that place. You know who owns that place. I know who the fuck owns that place. Continue that sentence. I don't like him. Continue that sentence. Well, I'm not going to. What kind of person?

I'm not dealing with this. Just say what kind of person. You know what? If you don't like the way the pie... I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I'm going. Nick, come on. I'm done with this. Nick, don't be a... I'm leaving I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I'm going. Come on.

I'm done with this. Nick, don't be a... I'm leaving. Let's just talk it out. I'm a part of a podcast. We're going to be accused of being... Dude, this is why we got a pod. This is why we got a pod.

Because if we have beef, you work it out on the pod. No, if you have beef, you work it out on the pod. Adam, shut up, dude. Come on, dude. That's what pods are for. They're for working out beef, dude. This sucks. Dude, you got beef, you bring it in a pod. This is a

marriage piece of shit. Dude, Nick is a bitch, dude. He just left his podcast equipment here? Look, we have to do this. We have to finish this podcast. We take over. I am now the host of Come Town. Dude, tell him to come back. Shut up. Shut up. Alright? I'm the host now. Alright, alright, alright. I'm the host of Come Town, everyone. Hello, welcome to Come

Town. It's now a Nick Mullen-less podcast. Nick, Adam. Okay, sorry. You know what? ComeTown. It's now a Nick Mullen-less podcast. Because he's a – Nick. Adam. Okay. Sorry. You know what?

This isn't going to work. This isn't going to work with two people. I can't do it with you, man. I just don't think you have – Dude, we're better off without Nick. Let's be honest. Let's just open the door, okay, to the Anthony Cumia Studios. Dude, you want Nick?

Just open the door, and whoever's hanging out, we'll let them be our third co-host. Dude, if you want Nick, you can... Hey, it's me, Nick Mullen. Diarrhea, diaper rash, diarrhea. My diaper has autism. Stop it, all right? Save it. I'm Nick Mullen.

We need a third. I'm not going to have you roast my good friend, Nick. All right. I would never... Excuse me, is this the Jew? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Look who we have here.

Oh, my God. Who are you? Oh Hey Seth Seth Dickfield It's me buddy Hello boys

How are you? Oh you have a seat This is a great time of the year Because actually Nick Who you know You know Nick Oh I hate that guy Well

You know He's not here is he? He's my good friend I won't have you sully his name But he actually just left And we're looking for a third co-host, and it looks like you're the third co-host of Come Tell. Oh, I despise him. This is actually pretty amazing how every time Seth Dickfield is here, it's like a Peter

Parker kind of Spider-Man kind of thing. I don't know what you're getting at at all. I don't know. Okay. That's crazy. Well, I'm here now, and I tell you what, I love podcasts. That's great, buddy. I love it.

We've got an hour to fill. I love talking into the microphone. Shoot, shoot. I'm all yours. It's good to have someone like I am. Okay, I don't want to talk shit on Nick while he's not here. Like he talked shit on me last week. Don't talk shit about my friend. Go ahead.

It's just his politics get kind of exhausting. Oh, I'm so mad at this PC. I'm so mad at this. That's the worst part about him. And that's what I like about Seth Dickfield. You know, when I hear PC, what I think in my mind is not politically correct, but pretty cool. That's how I think. Yeah, I'm proud to be PC.

A pretty cool guy. Yeah. Last time you were here, you were talking about Lady Ghostbusters. Oh, I saw it. I got it on Torrent, but I donated money to Reign, the ticket price for the movie. So women that are raped will get the money for the Lady Ghostbusters, which I illegally downloaded to watch at my girlfriend's apartment. And it was great. I mean, I only watched the first five minutes and then I had to, you know.

Is it true that they vacuum them up into their pussies though? Is that how they vacuum the ghosts? That's 100% true. That's exactly how the movie goes. That's good. It's natural, you know. You know, and what I was more afraid of than the ghosts while watching the movie was the men in the film. Oh, yeah.

Because, you know, what is a ghost going to do? You know, maybe scare you a little bit. A man, he's going to do the wage gap. He's going to do the wage gap at you. That's so true. He's not going to pay you as much money. That is so fucking true. And I just don't think that's fair. I heard, it is kind of messed up

that the four female protagonists of the new Ghostbusters earned the least amount of money out of any actors on that film. That's true. And the original Ghostbusters were around in the 80s.

Yeah. And so even adjusting for inflation, they made way more money. Yeah, yeah, it's true. And the female Ghostbusters had to do so much more work considering the increase

of ghosts in New York since 9-11. Seth, could you actually like, you know, I don't know if this is cool or not for a podcast, but could you give us a couple of good bits from the Ghostbusters movie, like a couple of lines that you remember? The girl Ghostbusters one? No, I actually don't remember any of the lines from the movie. I put the film on and then I looked in the mirror, and I pat myself on the back for the next two hours,

and I kept saying, good for you. Good for you, Seth. Don't let those bad guys on Reddit tell you what you can and cannot enjoy. Are you looking forward to anything, Al? It sounded like you asked for this with the Junot Diaz reading. Oh, by the way, Seth, do you want snacks or something? Yeah, we have, actually, we have like chocolate. Oh, is these M&M's?

Oh, these are M&M's? Yeah, they're regular M&M's. Oh, these are peanut M&M's. No, they're regular M&M's. Oh, I had some earlier. I can't have peanuts. Oh, wait. Wait.

These are definitely peanut M&M's. Oh, no. I'm allergic to literallybers. Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm allergic to literally everything. Oh, jeez. I don't feel so good. I have to go get help. I'm going to go look for help. I'm sorry.

Someone has to stay here with me. I'll stay here with you, but do you have an EpiPen? I don't have anything. I just need people to tell me I'm a victim until I feel better. Please console me. Please, someone tell me how much of a victim I am. No, I mean, if you're allergic to peanuts, we need to get some medical professionals here.

I feel my throat's closing up, I feel. Do you have an emergency contact? I feel, oh yes, it's in my wallet here. Call my, oh I hate him so much, but please call my cousin. Baltimore comedian, Ralph Harausky. Okay, I'm calling him right now. Bling bling.

Yo. Yo. Yo, Ralph. What the fuck is this shit, yo? Ralph, it's me. Why y'all fucking wake me up, yo? Wow, Ralph, you just showed up here? That's amazing.

Yeah, I was just in the other room taking a shit, yo. Anthony Cumia is my idol, yo. I love the way he be treating them blacks on Twitter, yo. He got a real way about himself. Okay, so let's clear things up right now. What the hell are y'all up to, yo? I just had a peanut and I think I'm dying. Oh, my God.

This is fucking Tom, yo. Ralph, you are a Baltimore comedian. Yeah. And you're also cousins with Seth? Yeah, Seth Dickfield is my Jew cousin. Well, we call him that. He ain't no Jew, actually, bloodline-wise. But we don't trust him because he wear glasses and he be eating bagels sometimes.

He's just a Jew as style. He doesn't have style. Yeah, and honestly, that's even worse the way I look at it, you know, to choose that type of lifestyle. I can't, you know, my outrage has cured me of my peanut allergy. I can't believe you're saying these things. Seth, you're back. You're back. I'm back.

I'm off the ropes, and I've had enough of this bullying from my ethnic white cousin. So, Ralph, do you find yourself in sort of a similar political bent? Yo, first of all, yo, I don't be doing no politics, yo. I'm a moderate, yo. I'm on both sides. I see the good on both sides. You know what I mean? Like, I say, honestly, yo, you want to get abortions, yo?

Do that because who trying to wear condoms? I ain't trying to wear no condoms. Yeah. So you get the abortions going, but you trying to be present after you had an abortion? No, thank you, yo. You cannot be doing that shit. Like, yo, get them shits. But you can't be holding public office after you

got an abortion, after you fucking killed a beautiful ass baby, yo. That baby could have played third base for the fucking Orioles, yo. First of all, sports should be illegal. Second of all, take it back. Never. The A's, Ravens, Ray Rice

was framed. My other cousin worked at that elevator, and he ain't seen none of that shit go down, yo. Y'all ain't seen the real tapes, yo. There should be a statue of every one of Ray Rice's victims. Sports should be illegal except for lady soccer. Shut up, yo. Wow. I'm being victimized. Shut the fuck up, bitch.

You know, every time Seth be talking when we was growing up, we would just molest him, you know, until he shut up. Ralph. Ralph time Seth would be talking when we was growing up, we would just molest him until he shut up. Ralph. Ralph. Ralph. Yeah? What? All right.

I'm about to molest you, yo. I like the way you've been looking at me. Listen, I'm the only host left of Comptown right now, and I feel like a responsibility. Is there some reason you need to go for some responsibility? Nobody likes the word cum anyways. Yeah, I love cum. It was a bad podcast. We're doing a new podcast now.

For real comedians. Wait a second. Am I on this podcast yet? Yeah. Oh, my bad, yo. What y'all need me to do, yo? Okay, so, Ralph, I'm just... I'd like you to respect your cousin, even if...

Fuck him, yo. Fuck me. Screw you, pal. Even if he is doing whatever the blackface is of Jews right now. And that's incredibly offensive to me. First of all, I ain't got no problem with blackface. First of all, that's history, yo. How are you going to take history out the history books?

You've never read a book in your life. Books is gay. I love books. I hang out at the library and I meet William Starr. First of all, have you checked my Facebook? I read The Giver. Thank you very much. Y'all see that shit?

The apple. In one scene, the apple was black and white. But then it turned red. I only read the first three chapters. But that shit's fucked up. Yo, that's a metaphor, yo. I'll just learn what that word means. You don't even know what a metaphor is.

Yeah, it is. It's a truck. Ralph is an imbecile. He's a grade-A imbecile. So then why is he your emergency contact? And why did he show up immediately after you? I told you. I was at the Anthony Camille Studios.

I have a very fast car. That shit ain't street legal. I got six lawnmower engines in there on top of my Ford Turbo Taurus, yo. That's a special kind of Taurus. You got a Turbo.Taurus. I got a Turbo.Taurus, yo. Where do you work? Where do I work?

Yeah, yeah. I work out the Sherwin-Williams out Glen Burnie. Oh, nice. Yeah, y'all need any kind of type of paint, y'all tell me, yo. I like the Sherwin-Williams out Glen Burnie? Oh, nice. Yeah, y'all need any kind of type of paint? Y'all tell me, yo. I like the Sherwin-Williams logo. Yeah, cover the earth. Cover the earth with paint.

Hell yeah, yo. That could be the new Comptown logo, yo. Cover the earth with jizz. Oh my god. Yeah, y'all. I took a couple Brandon and Marketing classes over at SS Immunity College. And it's got to be strong. Your Brandon's got to be strong, Your branding got to be strong, yo.

That's my take on it. Wow. I didn't... You know, Ralph, I'm really glad you can give us these kind of pointers. I just wish that Slav and Nick were here. Yo, did you just fucking look at me, yo? I don't look at you. I'm looking at you right now.

Yo, shut the fuck up, Seth. I'm a grown man. I am... You ain't no grown man, yo. I am 47 years old. Okay. And you will not speak to me like this. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being bullied. That's why our uncle sucked your dick the most.

I don't remember that. I choose not to. You don't remember that shit, yo? He would take us to the summary zone, and whoever't do the obstacle Whoever did the obstacle course the slowest Got molested That's how you train champions That's how you breed champions Are you telling me

Guys here's my question Ralph you're implying that your cousin Was molested Into behaving Jewish Everybody knows that's how Judaism started, yo. Well, I, you know, I wouldn't disagree with that. I just don't like the presentation of the facts.

I wouldn't say that's incorrect, but, you know, maybe I chose not to do the obstacle course that fast. That's the other thing, yo. In the back of the head, everybody knew he liked that shit, yo. Is there something wrong with that? Is there something wrong with that?

Please explain to me in the least homophobic terms possible. I know we're loosey-goosey here on Clumptown, but Ralph, I think you're really heading into dangerous territory. I'm just spitting facts here. First of all, history ain't dangerous territory.

Historically, this is what happened to Seth. He would get molested after the summary zone because he couldn't do the obstacle course, and we would all sit in the back of the room pretending to be watching Martin reruns, but really we was listening to him like getting molested and calling him gay. That's it. That's history, yo. That ain't nothing that's wrong, yo. Open your eyes.

Thank you. Anyway, what was you saying? Alright, well, Seth, I'm really sorry to hear about the constant abuse that you had to face growing up. That's a... First of all, he ain't grow up with us. That was just during Thanksgiving and Christmas. Oh yeah, Seth, where did you grow up? I grew up in Louisiana. Oh, that's where you get your classic Louisiana accent.

This is a classic Louisiana accent. Everyone in Louisiana sounds like this. You just sound like, geez, like a real Creole. Yes, it's just like Aunt Jemima speaks this way. Uncle Ben speaks this way. Do you feel like the hot and brown guy? Here's a question, okay? Aunt Jemima speaks this way. Uncle Ben speaks this way. Do you feel like the Ponderoni guy? Here's a question, okay?

Because you're from Louisiana, do you have more of a French perspective on things? Is that like a... I would say so. I like wearing tight-fitted shirts and eating bread that looks like a penis. Yeah, pause, you. Pause, you. I don't believe women should have to... Pause, you.

My man gay still. I thought you was about to have to... Pause, yo. My man gay still. I thought you was about to grow out that shit, but I should have known better, yo. First of all, I love women. Yeah, right, yo. Both sexually and politically. Yo, I bet you've gone down on a woman before. Of course I have. That's just gay.

That's how you have sex. Yo, I ain't never... Seth, you love women, but you're decidedly anti-Hillary Clinton. I am. If you love women, why don't you support the woman that you have support the woman I want for me but I would have sex with Hillary Clinton I think Hillary is a beautiful woman and I would enjoy a body in a in a in a way that both of us experiencing a simultaneous orgasm but Seth you know that shit grows you divulge to us they do that bitch do do you you've Doodoo, yo. Fuck her, yo. You've had four circumcisions.

Misogynistic. Yo, that bitch got hair like my Uncle Donald, yo. And you know what? I donated all of my foreskin to trans people so that they could create new genitals. What the fuck did you just say, yo? Donald? What a shitty name. You ever think of that?

Donald. Yeah, don't talk that way about my uncle, yo. Alright, sorry. It's just a bad name. I would never insult anybody's name, especially. I think she's gorgeous. First of all, let's be a little bit more respectful to women and our other guests. Ralph, listen.

What? We do know. You're making me mad, yo. I understand that Seth is probably one of the most annoying human beings that I've ever met in my entire life. Yeah, he was. But we got to respect other opinions and perspectives here on Compton. I don't think so. That's the thing that I got upset about listening to the last podcast

where Nick and Sav did it with a famous comedian, Dan Soder. Oh, they got Soder, yeah? Instead of you? That guy's good, yeah. They got Soder. That guy's funny as hell. He's a lot better than your dumbass, yo. You know what I like?

It's brown nosing. It's when people do that, it's when they suck up. Yo, he's much better, yo. They should do that all the time. Anyway, what were you saying? I'm just saying that they did Asian voices and South Asian voices.

Oh, hell yeah. I don't know if that's... Yo, I love you talking about Rush Hour. I think that's despicable. You should never do a voice of any kind of race or gender that doesn't belong to you. That you don't belong to? Exactly. I agree with that, too. You should never make a man a caricature.

You should never do that, ever. Okay, we're in agreement. It's one of those tasteful ones that you get on Times Square where they make you look like a ballerina But your head is very big Yeah, ballerina, huh? I wonder why my man like that shit My man like wearing two dudes

No, it's a very athletically demanding sport Have you ever seen the calves of a male ballerina? Do you just talk? Yo, ballet, everybody knows ballet is just gay stuff The shit gay people watch To get in the mood To have sex with each other Yo

That's how it started yo The prince of fucking Russia Couldn't get hard So he looked at men Jumping up and down Y'all think I don't know My history I don't know my fucking history yo

Dude but What were you saying though Adam Listen I just think that like You can make jokes And you can make comedy without having to do belittling stereotypes of of different races i mean i think we can there are a lot of very funny comedians out there first of all there's truth to stereotypes okay bill mayer um

john mayer you know these are guys that are really doing it without punching down. You know, they're punching. I know all about punching down. Y'all ever get in a fight with me? Y'all only hear like fucking ten hits. You only punch down. You only hear ten hits. I hit you.

You hit the floor. Me and my boys hit you eight more times while you're locked unconscious. That's what you hear, my my man So I know a little bit About punching down Anyway yo This shit's fucking boring Yo What the fuck

Y'all got any fucking Chicken bosses out here yet I don't have any chicken bosses I do have Chicken bosses Chicken box Bosses B-O-X-E-S

Bitch Bosses Bosses You know what chicken boxes Like a boss of chicken Yo I can't be around this motherfucker Yo Leo X-E-S, bitch. Bosses. Bosses. You know what a chicken box is? Like a boss of chicken. Yo, I can't be around this motherfucker, yo. There's too many Jews here, yo. You're Jewish, ain't you?

I am. Seth is not. And it's... He might as fucking well be, yo. Seth, I just want to talk to you about this caricature. I'm not Jewish. I don't know why everyone thinks I'm a Jewish person. What you're doing, Seth...

It doesn't make any sense to me. Listen... I would give my last nickel if I never had... Well, maybe not that far, but I would consider it if I could never have to put up with that kind of...

I think the Anthony Cumia show is coming back here. They're about to make a retarded guy get a boner. I gotta go watch that show. I'm late for my ninth therapy session today, so I have to leave anyways. Yeah, fuck you, yo.

This shit sucks. I'm grateful that you got my emergency contact here, but I am so displeased with having to be confronted with my awful cousin. Most of my family I don't get along with, but him the least, and his molested

father. Yo, me the least, yo? What about my dad who molested you, yo? Well, I'm not gonna say I'm glad he's dead, but, you know, it is at least a physical relief that I don't have to deal with him anymore. Well, anyway, yo, I got to get the hell up out of here, yo. I ain't about to be. Y'all will never hear me on this podcast again.

I can promise that shit. Probably me not either. I don't think. Ralph. I'm coming back. Seth, fuck you, man. I'm leaving, yo. Fuck you.

Seth Dickfield, Ralph, thank you so much for being with us. Ravens. Raven'm coming back. Seth. Thank you, man. I'm leaving you. Fuck you. Seth Dickfield. Ralph. Thank you so much for being with us. Ravens. Ravens. Number one. All right. Um,

I guess, I guess it's just me in the studio right now. I, I, I just want to thank you guys, uh, for, for listening. Um,

I'm just going to take it to break, I guess, and see if I can get Nick and Stav back. Nationwide warehouse. Nationwide warehousehouse! Nationwide Warehouse! We interrupt to bring you an important message. Our everyday low prices are 33-70% lower than national change. Nationwide Warehouse! Nationwide Warehouse! But for three days only, take an additional 10% off marked items.

Nationwide Warehouse! Living rooms from $198 to $498. Nationwide Warehouse! Nationwide Warehouse! Bedrooms from $188 to $428. Nationwide Warehouse! Mattresses from $rooms from $188 to $428 Nationwide Warehouse Mattresses from $24 to $99 8 feet sold and set Brand new free layaway Hurry!

Nationwide Warehouse Sale ends Monday Nationwide Warehouse Nationwide Warehouse Nationwide Warehouse 8 convenient locations Queens Nationwide Warehouse

Bronx Nationwide Warehouse Long Island Nationwide Warehouse Manhattan Nationwide Warehouse Newark Nationwide Warehouse

Lodi Nationwide Warehouse Asbury Park Nationwide Warehouse in Newark. Nationwide Warehouse in Lodi. Nationwide Warehouse in Asbury Park. Nationwide Warehouse. Phone [phone]. Nationwide Warehouse. Nationwide Warehouse. All right, we are back from break. Guys, Nick and Stott have agreed to return.

Hey, guys. Hey. Sorry, guys. Got a little heated. I got a little upset. It got really weird here while you were away. And I'm just. Oh yeah?

Is Seth okay? Dude, yeah. Oh, Seth was here? Yeah, Seth and his. And who were you telling me came? This guy from Maryland, Carl? Ralph? His name is Ralph.

Ralph. Yeah, he. Ralph Arauzzi. He was a disgusting person. Hey, well, that's my culture, man. And Seth and him are cousins, from what I understand. That's so weird. They're kind of convoluted, wouldn't you say?

Kind of a stretch? Yeah, it doesn't really make sense. It's weird that they'd both be here at the same time, considering they live so far apart. But, man, it's good to be back. I need you, and i don't want i don't want to do this apart again and i'm sorry for like being being a bitch dude that's okay as long as you understand like we didn't say anything negative about you on the podcast it's like you

said and we never will that's not true but you know we accept your apology and i calmed down i went outside me and stopped you know we saw this we apology. We accept it. I calmed down. I went outside. Me and Stav, you know, we saw this. We were out there. This kid with Down syndrome walked by. That just always makes me smile. I couldn't stop. Yeah. For how proud of him I was.

Not like in a mocking way. Yeah, exactly. Me too. It felt so good for him that I calmed down. And the whole town told him he was Batman, right? Yeah. We all pretended he was Batman. I went up to him and I was like, you're Batman.

And he was like, no, I just pushed the cart here. Well, it's good to be back. Yeah. Let's catch up. People are going to think we're setting up another bit. We don't do bits. We don't do bits. You're right.

We've never done bits. People, I guess, have commented on that. They're like, you know, we love the characters, but there's no... I don't think any of us do characters. We're working on a couple right now. Yeah, we were thinking about... Let's do the French one. Yeah, we came up with this character.

He's a French guy. He's French. Yeah, he's French. Hello, I am from France. Hello, I am from France. Hello, I am from France too and I am gay with him. We are gay together. We are gay and we are French and we are here and this is my boyfriend. We kiss each other and we have one of those bicycles that is like a double bicycle,

but we use the same seat anyways because it is more gay. Yes. My boyfriend is fucking me in the ass while we are riding on the bike. I love those. Fuck men. With my penis. But yeah, that's the character. So we're working on that. That's the character that we were working on.

That's pretty good. I thought that went well. It was better in dress rehearsal, maybe, but I think that it went okay for the real show. Yeah, we spent the last fucking week and a half trying to figure out, you know. Trying to make this podcast. Oh, what about the 420 one?

What 420 one? You know, the... Look, here's the thing I know. 420 isn? What 421? You know, the... Look, here's the thing I know. 420 isn't a joke to me. You know, I take that shit seriously, dude. Absolutely. Okay. It's 420 somewhere.

Because you know what? It's still a fucking crime, you know? That is true. People like us are persecuted every day in states. Like, luckily it's legal here in New York. Listen, Nick. We can get fucking 420 ripped up out on the streets whenever we want. It's legal for white people,

and pretty soon it's going to be legal for black people, too. Well, I don't care about that. I mean, the first one, yes. It's true, man. Everyone worry about yourself. You know, that's the thing, is that you can't put,

you can't put, men can't put their laws on a plant. Yeah, especially not for other white guys thank you on a plant okay thank you i think we're all in agreement here uh about weed and gay french men do you guys want to smoke weed real quick i would love to smoke weed dude always i'm smoking weed oh this is good, dude. This is dank-ass weed, bro. Oh, that's good.

Get that binger out there. This is some dank-ass fucking weed. Get that binger, dude. Get that binger popping. Hell yeah, dude. Oh. Dude, you see that? Damn, Nick, stop hitting that shit, dude. Look at that binger rip, dude. Nick, stop hitting that shit, bro.

One time, Nick hit a binger for a week. Hold on. I'm not even lying to you. No, I'm going to do the joint on top of it. Oh, dude, you're savage, man. Dude, Nick is so savage, he just hit a binger And then hit a J Without even blowing out, bro Well, great start to the second half

That's a good session, dude I think we had a good smokeout just now Good start to the second half We had a good smokeout We had a good session I think that's what's important You know, man The thing about podcasts is

You just do them You just do them, man That's how you build a listenership Is you do them You get good gets, you know. Hot gets. I asked my friend the other night what he liked about the podcast, and he said he liked the fact that we didn't try at all.

Yeah, I asked myself, and I thought, what do I like about the podcast? Because I've been considering actually listening to it after we record it, and then I thought, no, that's stupid. No, I'm with you. But good news uh i got a friend from russia we're gonna hack mark maron's email and get all of his guests the week before they do what the fuck yeah that's nice so we got chuck mangione coming on next week he's gonna talk aboutk.a. the gay trumpet. That is a gay-ass trumpet. I am from France.

I am the gay trumpet. I love sex with men. We play the horn with our penises. We put it in the horn. All right. No, I guess here's the thing we can talk about. Let's hear it. So I worked a job last week. Can't really talk about it.

Uh-oh. What kind of job? I can't talk about it. He booked some work. Yeah. Let's say I did a little thing where I had to wear a costume. He's in Ocean's 14. I'm in Ocean's 14.

I'm in Ocean's 9-11. It's the movie where George Clooney and Matt Damon have to blow up the World Trade Center. Oceanceans 9-11 It's the movie where George Clooney and Matt Damon Have to blow up the world To extend their Oceans 9-11 Did we just do That's great That's something

Wow Dude Also National Yo bleep that out of the podcast Because that's an ace bit That we can do That's an ace bit

You know that joke almost Makes me want to get Even higher dude Oh yeah Dude Oh That's a freak Cottonmouth Kings baby that's my favorite band yeah mine too um anyway oh yeah so yeah i'm working this job and uh uh i want to talk about uh i've tried i've maybe mentioned it to a couple

of people but you guys uh are you familiar with uh blacks? Oh, fuck yes, dude. Because a lot of people don't know that they think black nerd. They're like, oh, you mean Urkel? And it's like, no, Steve Urkel was a black guy playing a white nerd. That wasn't actually a black nerd. There's no black nerd that's actually like that. Steve Urkel was a black face? Steve Urkel was a black guy playing a white nerd. And then a real black nerd is more like Stefan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is what Jaleel White thought was cool. He's like, I'm actually the cool Urkel. I like Street Fighter and Dragon Ball Z. I don't wear glasses. I got contacts. Check out my leather jacket that I wear in the middle of the summer. That's like a black nerd. Black nerds, dude, that's an annoying thing.

Black nerds are like Katana type kids. They love Asia. They're all Ghost Dog Way of the Samurai.s are like katana type yeah kids they love asia they're all ghost dog way the samurai love there was a kid dbz they love avatar last airbender there was a kid in my uh naruto in uh pop in pop baltimore polytechnic institute baby uh fucking engineers bitch the polycrackers uh baltimore High School Baltimore Polyamorous We all just like Confucked each other It was a lot of fluid bonding There was a kid who

When he got mad At the teachers Would pretend he was Going Super Saiyan He would just He would be like Huh Huh

Huh Like It was like Alright Jim Get the fuck out of here man This is fucking And there was also Another black nerd who

He was very gay. He was a black theater nerd, actually. Those are the best. I had a close friend in high school that was a black gay theater nerd. Black gay theater nerd, knew karate. This is, you know, Baltimore. And he would just like, people tried to bully him for being gay. And one time he straight up roundhouse kicked like a thug kid in the hallway.

And then just did like a z snap it was fucking incredible and he was notorious for blowing like straight kids in the fucking upstairs he was the he was the equipment manager so he had the keys to the closet and he would just blow kids well that was that was the guy i worked with he was like a black nerd incredibly jacked i had to like change with him they're like all the guys change over here and everybody else is in shape i'm like can i just change with the women there's gonna be like a shitty body room but he is oh yeah he's jacked he's wearing a wife beater that looks like a gold's gym wife beater but it says goku's gym yeah he's got like a drawing of goku in the middle where the guy would be living in the woods and at one point he goes he looks at me And the other girl and he goes have either

Of you ever had the pleasure of watching avatar The last airbender Fuck yeah dude yeah but no he would have Definitely fucked me up if I even You know remotely laughed at Any of the things he said which were all Great right right right whenever Stefan Urkel would enter a scene, just going back to that,

I love how, like, I imagine that the Family Matters, like, they had, like, different signs for the audience, like, laugh. And, like, whenever Stefan came out, they put the come sign up. And everyone would just be like, oh! Why was he so hot? Like, he'd enter a scene and people would be like, why was he so hot? Like, he'd enter and see people be like, hey, baby.

That was just Jaleel White being like, I want to get pussy. Yeah, he was so tired of being a fucking nerd. Brandon Wardell's going to do that at some point. He's going to demand that his agents let him play a character that's not a... He's going to demand to play a Twitter meme.

Too much shit is popping, dude. It's time for me to go black. I feel like Brandon's sort of doing that already, trying to make his brand about sucking and fucking. He's doing digital blackface. Huh? He's doing digital blackface. What's going to happen to him when he finally ages out of that?

Maybe he doesn't. That's true. Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he's just half Filipino. He's got good genes age-wise. I think he might be okay. No, I mean intellectually he ages out of being like that. Oh, no, he'll never intellectually age out of it.

Yeah, maybe not. Who knows? Nah, he might. Who knows? Who cares? Fuck Brandon. Dude, Brandon actually is here, right? Oh, is he?

Yeah, yeah. Where? You want to go get him? Yeah, go get Brandon, dude. Make sure, just have him, like, tell him that we don't do characters on this podcast so just have brandon just come as himself yeah any bullshit half thought out characters yeah oh here he is oh oh uh oh oh hey guys um hi okay um so this is hey brandon it's us's us, your friends. Hey, Brandon Wardell. So I was... Because we're boys, I just wanted to work out new bits that I do.

Oh, okay. Well, this is... It's kind of a conversational podcast. Sweet, dude. Yeah, and remember, this isn't Vine, so you have more than six seconds to do your jokes that you stole from black people. Oh, no, no. That won't be necessary, my dear man.

Okay. All right. Here's the first bit. Here's the first bit. Here's the first bit. Go ahead, Brandon. So, Drake was... Please, here's my first bit. So, Drake had a Pokemon, and I said, what kind of Pokemon is that, Drake?

And he said, it's a Charmander. And I said, Drake, you're a savage AF, bro. You're a savage AF, bro. You got zero chill, baby. All right. Hell yeah. Can I try out another joke? Now I know why you're famous.

Can I try out another joke? Go ahead, Brandon. Let's hear it, Brandon. So Justin Bieber is in the news. What are you even doing? Go ahead. It doesn't even sound like Brandon. Jack, come in and you say, Justin Bieber, is this your Pokemon or is this my Pokemon?

You sound like Ms. Swan now. Brandon? Brandon's mom is Ms. Swan, I'm pretty sure. His dad's a GI and his mom, I don't know, his parents. I won't stand for it. We can talk about shit on Brandon, but not the Wardells. They are lovely people. You've met his parents.

Yeah, no, they're great. Why? Did you go to his bar mitzvah? Yeah. Last year, his parents. Yeah, no, they're great. Why? Did you go to his bar mitzvah? Yeah. Last year, his bar mitzvah last year? I believe I'm still in the room right now. Sorry, Brandon, you're still here.

Hey, buddy, get out of here, man. I like that Brandon is just emo Phillips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When the fuck was he in that movie? I met Drake the other day. And Drake was lit. Brandon was just like the guy from the B-52s. Yeah.

Anyway. The Snapchat is a little love place where we can rip off black Twitter jokes. He's going to hear this and get mad. For sure. Yeah.

We can have him on and we'll squash the beef. Yeah. That's the point of podcasts. You start the beef and then you bring him on the pod and you squash the beef, dude. That's what pods are all about, baby. You know, I agree with that now. And I think we've come full circle because initially I disagreed with that idea for beef squashing. But now, you know, I think I agree with it. circle because initially i disagreed with that idea but now here we are beef squashing but now

i i you know i i think i agree with it and i i no longer think the podcasts are about like you know being funny or really having anything to say or you know no no no having conversations that aren't just like sort of cyclical and making fun of the same people over and over again i got 65 new twitter followers i am drunk on power. Let's keep it going with this podcast. I think it's going to be great. Right now, I think what would be the best what people demand is

if we play a clip show of all the best moments. We should do the next one. The last three episodes. Some of the hits from the past. I got some tweets about some people's favorite parts of our episode. Can we stop doing this? This is pathetic. This is the fourth one and we're talking

about it. It's fucking anything. I don't know. I just ate a lot of bread so I'm kind of like I'm kind of sleepy. I want to tell Come Nation, Come Town just to keep listening because we have tons of topics issues discussions and other things that are going to be coming up in the next 55

episodes of come town i'd love to talk about you know how's everybody doing fuck wise it is come town is everybody fucking we all we already did that week. None of us have fucked. There's no. Oh, Adam's not girlfriend is here. We'll just give her a microphone and she'll. Michelle, do you want to come on? She's been sitting here in the background the entire time. Someone thinks we're about to do another shitty. She's trying to watch porn. Yeah, I know.

Because now we can't introduce anybody. This is falling apart. Everyone's going to think it's a character. This is fun, though. So you don't want to. Michelle, just come on the pod real quick. Yeah, you have to come on the podcast because we've got to fill 10 more minutes

and we need something. Here, you take my microphone. So guys, this is my FWB, Michelle. Please don't use my real name. That's not her real name. Her real name is... We won't say what her real name is. So we understand that you don't want to date Adam.

Is that true? Not at this moment. Sorry, I shouldn't answer for the lady. Yeah, I don't think so. That's good. No, no, tell us why. I'd love this. This is great.

Let's hear why. No, I understand. Adam is kind of a piece of shit. Kind of annoying. He's kind of annoying he's kind of annoying sure um what about it's annoying this is great uh i don't know it just doesn't feel like something we should do but it's cool to like fuck every once in a while and yeah sex is great yeah i'll give him that i'll give him is adam good at fucking he's so happy i think he's i think he's okay he's okay like

what would you want to cushion his feelings plus i'm in i'm enthusiastic i don't think i'm good at it i just think i'm passionate so he's like uh but he likes to cuddle afterwards. He's a big cuddler. I could tell that about him. Yeah, of course. I am too. I feel like we're in the same zone where it's like, I'm going to try my hardest, but that doesn't mean anything's going to happen. You know what I mean? It doesn't mean it's going to be a great turnout. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. But that's what I found that... So if Adam was better at fucking, would you want to be with him? Be honest. Grab a mic here, Nick. Take Adam's mic. Fuck Adam. No, I think...

I had like an undeniable dick. I mean, maybe the sex is good, so I don't want to date him. Oh, interesting. But no, no, no. Don't give us that bullshit answer to make Adam feel better. But if he was like... So you're saying he fucks it about a 7 out of 10 right now, right?

Yeah. 6 to 7. She bumped you down. 6 to 8. I mean 6 to 8. On your best day, you hit an 8. B's not bad, dude. But the 1 to 10 scale for men always translates directly to inches. For women, it's about the rest.

I don't really care about inches. I don't think that really matters. What are you, gay? I love inches. Hey, this is great. Oh, yeah, I'm back on now, by the way. This has got to... But if he was a 10 out of 10, would you be with him?

Would he be... If he was better at fucking, would it equal out how annoying he is? No, I don't think it'll ever equal out. Oh, okay. I think it's just there forever. That's so good. I try to tune it out. That's great.

So let's find you a man. What are you looking for? We've got a podcast with over 45 people, I think. I don't know. I guess somebody who doesn't cook me breakfast. So you want to be treated badly. This is a major podcast flaw. Because the only way podcasts work is if you have a girl.

But only when you just tell them to shut up all the time. Okay, okay. That's fair. All the alpha male podcasts. Can I defend myself for a second? You don't have another. Sorry. We only got three mics.

This is, you know what? That's 20 minutes. So, hey guys, that was the second half. You got to. Look, some podcasts, they know what? That's 20 minutes. Hey, guys. That was the second half. Look, some podcasts, they know what they're doing. We're not these kind of like, you know. Hell yes. You want a good podcast, we got our friends, sort of a sister podcast, Chapo Trap House. Yeah, listen to that.

Which are, everyone who listens to this is just people they told to listen to this. Really? Yeah, they're very funny guys, but they're also like, you know, if this is just people they told to listen to this. Really? Yeah. They're very funny guys, but they're also like, you know, if you're into like fucking knowing who the president is. They're smart and shit. They're not dumb pieces of shit. I don't do that. I'm not like a homework guy, you know?

We're not fucking nerds, dude. We're not homework nerds. We don't plan out what we're going to say on the podcast. Yeah. We just fucking get real and have a good time. And we fucking, you know what we do? We get 420. We get 420.

I just want to also thank my friend with benefits, Michelle, for being on the podcast. Yeah, thank you, Michelle. And I just want to say you bring a lot of joy to my life. If you're not my full girlfriend I don't care because you still make me happy when we're together if it makes you happy

oh that's so good so I'm gonna just say that out there to the world and everyone listening is that Sheryl Crow I think so you know what I was doing the other day is

are you strong enough to eat my ass that was stuck in my head for like six minutes. That's pretty good. Thanks. Thank you for listening to Comptown, guys. Follow me on Instagram at StaviBaby, S-T-A-V-V-Y Baby. I'm naked as hell, and I think you'll really like it.

I don't have anything else to plug because my career is bad. But anybody else? That's fine. I'll be back on Red Eye on June 9th. Fox News. Fox News. 4 a.m. programming. It's on from 4 to 4.01 a.m.

Only in American Samoa. In Guam. Yeah, in Guam. But, yeah, thanks for listening to the final episode of Comptown. It's not the final episode. I think this is going to sound good. It's been a great run. We've had three great episodes.

Probably the best run of any podcast. We're going to roll a best of next week. Yeah. I think we already made that joke. Oh, did we? Yeah, we did. Next week we're doing something a little bit different. It's going to be a little bit more planned out.

We're finally doing my plan of This American Come Cum where we're going to have a host. We're going to have three different stories about American Cum, and we'll see how that goes. You know, it's actually illegal to transport raw cum across state lines. Really? It's got to be pasteurized. What if it's pasteurized? You just swish it in your mouth a little bit and spit it out? Well, you have to swish it fast enough that it heats up.

Like one of those Vitamix blenders. Louis Pasteur, dude. You don't know science? It's a French guy that did all these experiments with communism. I know a couple French guys. You're forgetting that we already did the French guy. Hello? We were just bicycling.

No, stop. Let's end it. We were ending it. No, we're ending it. That's the end of this. Jesus Christ. What a fucking nightmare. My boyfriend has his penis.

All right. Goodbye, everybody. Thank you. Goodbye, everyone. I don't know. guitar solo Well, what do you think? I think we did the kids a little better. Yeah. Yay!