The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 40 – Valentimes

Episode Date: February 16, 2017

We have sex with each other on the show as a joke for valentines day. Get it. Like were dating haha. But its jsut a joke. It’s okay to suck off your friends if you’re doing it in a funny way

Where will Dubai take you now? So where can you find Another surprise Where will Dubai take you now? To see where Dubai takes you now, visit DubaiPresents.com Oh, whoo! Uh, it's uh... Valentine's Day

It's February 14th, 2017 It's Valentine's Day We're all oiled up yeah nude we're sitting in a hot tub together you're not allowed to wear clothes on valentine's day dude if you're not fucking on valentine's day you're gay that's what they used to say in my high school dude all the bros were really into valentine's that's awesome they come in wearing you know like cupid outfits and they're like yo who's gay today who's not come in wearing, you know, like Cupid outfits. And they're like, yo, who's gay today? Who's not fucking? And they would, you know. Could you get out of a fight?

They'd beat you up, dude. They'd shoot arrows at you and beat you up. What happens when the arrow shoots you? You didn't have dates. They're like, yo, we're about fucking, we're about going steady, dude. Okay? Did you have to have an emotional connection with the girl? No.

I mean, yes. Okay. Let's not be gay that's what like gay to just fucking feel nothing 50s 50s bros are all about that they're like yo i'm trying to fucking like hold hands with dot yeah i'm trying to figure my pin yeah i want to go get a malty i'm trying to fucking go steady get my dick rubbed on make out point yeah yeah no i thought you just sort of sat in those cars and then like argued nah you definitely you did an otphj yeah for sure over the past the dick doesn't breathe air i don't

know i read the o'reilly factor for kids which is the definitive text on hooking a hookup culture in the 1950s and it was mostly mostly, from what I could gauge, is you would make vaguely anti-Semitic statements and then compliment a girl's poodle skirt. And then you would go home and not cum until you're 37 years old. That sounds awesome. I wish that was my case. You don't cum on how much I've cum.

Didn't Bill O'Reilly uh what was that thing he like yeah called someone about alufa putting it in a pussy or something yeah he while you had like a sexual harassment they basically every one of those guys gets addicted to vicodin at some point yeah what is that rush well the vicodin is tight it's great you had that shit that you have back surgery and then you become a i think the reason the reason those guys is tight yeah the reason those guys are so prone to the like pill addictions is because they've like never done drugs in their life right and they anything that's not a legal prescription or whatever they see is like nefarious and for black people or whatever so they hit fucking you know uh 50 years old, 55 years old.

They haven't exercised since they were, you know, like on the fucking JV basketball team back in 1942. The all-white JV basketball team. Blow out their back. Just doing chest passes? Blow out their back fucking, you know, moving all their Nazi memorabilia around in the attic. And then they need fucking, you know, Vic attic. And then they need fucking Vicodin,

so they get their Vicodin prescription and they eat the entire bottle within the first three weeks and then that's how you get a Limbaugh or O'Reilly situation. And then they can justify it because it's like, well, I need it. The doctor gave it to you. When I do opiates all day long, it's a lot different from some Cadillac queen

spending her welfare money on food she doesn't deserve like Dunkaroos and soda. If you're not spending your EBT card on broccoli and mud, you have to eat nothing but mud. If I see you with sneakers, if you have nice sneakers on, and you're fucking spending my tax dollars- Are you happy?

On Dunkaroos. I'm sorry. Are government dollars making black people smile? No, thanks. You are lucky that I'm on nine different prescriptions to Oxycontin right now. Otherwise, I'd come over there and kick your ass. Yeah, dude. I can't even imagine never doing drugs and then just

just getting your dick sucked by oxycontin and vicodin oh yeah those guys are incredible right what do you think that guy what do you think he like watches to unwind to drugs just like um i think he watches probably bob ross just reagan movies oh Bob Ross. Yeah. Bob Ross is cool, though. The thing about opiates is great, though, is you don't need to do anything. True. That's kind of why weed sucks, because if you just smoke weed and sit in a room, you're like, oh, I got to kill myself. Yeah, you got to have something to take your attention.

You got to have something else. Whereas, if you took two 80-oxys or whatever- You don't need to do shit. And sat in bed, you're like, this is perfect. Yeah, absolutely. I don't even need to turn the lights on yeah i used to my i don't know if i told the story on the podcast my college roommate got into like a car accident or something and he had like he was a pussy and uh he uh he wouldn't do the dream he wouldn't take like it wasn't even like real serious ones like tylenol

with vicodin or tylenol with perk or whatever i thought you're saying he was a pussy and that's why he needed the oxy no no no no he was a pussy he wouldn't do drugs yeah even saying he was a pussy and that's why he needed the Oxycontin. No, no, no, no. He was a pussy and he wouldn't do drugs. Even when he was, I guess, in pain or some shit. And I just, over the course of a semester... Sounds really strong and brave. No, he's a bitch. He's a bitch, trust me. Over the course of a semester, it started with like...

There was like 30 pills in there. And the last day we moved out, there was three. And I never addressed it. I would just periodically take one and pop one and go eat college cafeteria dorm food and it was just made, exactly. You don't have to do shit. It just makes going to class like the,

I was like, dude, I fucking love learning, dude. Yeah, yeah. I fucking love. And then meanwhile you're not learning anymore. No, I had no idea. Your brain's just shut off. I legitimately don't remember that semester. I remember trying to study drunk one time

for like a nutrition class and I just sat there reading every page of the nutrition book, and then I'm like, yeah, I don't even remember. Absolutely. I got nothing. I can't even, even what I read two sentences ago. Didn't I say that there are a bunch of great writers that only wrote drunk? Writing drunk is easy. I can't do that shit.

Writing drunk is not the problem. Christopher Hitchens used to write drunk. Learning drunk is the problem. Yeah, you can't learn drunk. Oh. I can't do that shit. Writing drunk is not the problem. Christopher Hitchens used to write drunk? Learning drunk is the problem. Yeah, you can't learn drunk. Oh, you can't learn drunk. I can't do shit drunk. I can't learn on anything, dude. I can't.

Any drugs, I'm just trying to fucking hang, dude. Maybe, actually, I guess Adderall or I guess Coke in theory. No. You could do Coke and like read. Yeah, you could do Adderall. I like to take Molly sometimes And just code for hours Isn't that what coders do They micro dose or whatever

They do acid They do a little bit of acid They do it like three times a week They take like a tenth of a hit of acid Every programmer does acid That's like what's really big You know You know what's a look that needs to come back is the early 90s programmer look.

Oh, yeah, like Morpheus kind of stuff? No, where they went just full pedophile. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever seen pictures of Will Wright, the guy that made all those SimCity games? No. No. I remember at the daycare center I went to on the computers. They had SimCity or one of the Sim games, but it had a picture of him beforehand.

He'd probably be like, this was created by Will Wright or whatever. I thought it was a joke. I was like, that's not... Just a short-sleeved button-up with a tie. Yeah, and this kind of look on his face. I mean, he looks like a pedophile. Yeah, like the stapler guy

from Office Space, but not retired. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was the look. That's what you think of as a nerd. That's old school nerd. Classic pocket protector. Have you ever seen a pocket

protector in your life? That was like the go-to joke yeah for a nerd especially saved by the bell like screeching or actually the nerds that were i guess there were these nerds that were even lamer than screech that didn't accept him for because he wasn't nerdy this was the picture that would come oh god dude oh my god my man fucks kids i know it looks He looks like Martin Star from Freaks and Geeks. Oh, man. I was reading some article about autism the other day, and the header image for the article was...

Where was the article? The New England Journal of Medicine? His mom sent it to him. It was on Slate. And the header for the article was a picture of the guy that plays Sheldon on Big Bang Theory. That's so fucking good. does sheldon have autism that it's a show about people with autism uh i guess but then in the show it's the companion it's called uh uh big bang really big bang the show really big bang

oh that's a big that's a big bang definitely a big bang That's the name of the show? Really Big Bang. Oh, that's a big bang. Definitely a big bang. Definitely too big of a bang. You need to make the bang smaller. Everyone is autistic, right? It's got to be a smaller bang. What? The Indian guy's autistic?

Yeah, they're all autistic. Doesn't one of them fuck a hot one? The blonde one? Well, autistic is the top of the Indian caste system. If you're a good cow, if a cow behaves well and makes lots of chocolate milk, they come back. That's an autistic guy. So it's an autistic, and then beneath that is the guy with eight arms, the Goro guy. And then third is a Bollywood guy.

And third is the guy doing a Jai Ho, just a really sick choreographed dance. Yeah, yeah. Those shits are tight. There was a fucking... You know, I always wondered about the deities that are like, you know, it's got an elephant's head

or a dog's head or whatever. Does that mean that it's a dog's brain? So it's just a dog that has a human body and it's just pissing and shitting everywhere. I haven't think that. It's just scared. Or like the elephant head one. That's gotta be way that has a human body and it's just pissing and shitting everywhere. I haven't been that. It's just scared. Or like the elephant head one.

That's got to be way too heavy for the body. Yeah, but he's like cracked its head on the ground and looks for peanuts. And you can put your trunk in pussy. Yeah. It would probably just suck its own dick. Oh, yeah. You could suck your own dick with a trunk. Suck its own dick with the trunk.

Standing completely straight up. You wouldn't have to bend at all. If we have any Hindu listeners, if you could fact check this for us, let us know. Does the Indian elephant head guy suck his own dick with a trunk? Because if he doesn't, what's the point of being a god then? Absolutely not. I mean, I would imagine that's why he is a god. Yeah, definitely.

He won a dick sucking competition and they put him on Indian Mount Olympus yeah I wonder if that's in the Kama Sutra absolutely is that one of their religious texts yeah that's their bible that's one of the books Bhagavad Gita, Kama Sutra, Slumdog Millionaire the screenplay

the one with the tiger the guidelines and rules to get your New York City taxi medallion. Are they even Indian? I feel like it's mostly other places. The cab drivers in New York? Yeah. I feel like...

There are a lot of... Bangladesh. Like Indian adjacent. South Asians. South Asian. There are a lot of North Africans. East Asians. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's true. And Middle Easterners. I thought they were all German. Middle Easterners. Yeah, yeah. I thought they were all the new Germans that we've been hearing. Are there new Germans? Yeah, in the face of new Germany.

Oh, nice. Tight, dude. No, I'm happy for jim first of all if i mean we should be happy like even even like if you think that you know there's cultural erasure happening in germany or that you know uh the germans are being there's like a white genocide happen which is not happening but if you feel like that is happening in germany uh good germany sucks yeah exactly germany deserves that to happen absolutely if any country deserves it, it's Germany. I don't fucking have a BMW or a Mercedes.

That's the only two good things Germany can do. And honestly, schnitzel is not that good. It's not that good. It's okay. It's fine. But there's so much better meat in the world. I thought Wetzel's pretzels was German. It's not.

It's New Jersey. What? Well, then we got nothing going on. Even sauerkraut? I don't fuck with sauerkraut. I like sauerkraut. But I like it on a

like a you have rye, sauerkraut, and liverwurst and deli mustard. Ah, no thanks, man. That's a good liverwurst can suck my dick.

Oh, fuck, dude. I want that right now. I would put provolone on top and then I would broil them open face one thing i'm not i'm i'm with you on the broiling one thing germany does have is that angela merkel she's a fucking piece of ass she's sexy that is one fine piece of ace you know her middle name is uh steve

uh fuck i was looking there's like 10 000 refugees come in the country and rape a bunch of people and she's like did i do that there should be like a german car that runs against her and his campaign slogan is Go home, Steve. Angela, Steve Merkle. I'm sorry, Lara. Fuck. Family Matters,

if you translated that into German, would probably sound really Nazi-ish. Just the word Family Matters? Yeah, Family Matters. Like the word family matters? Yeah, family matters. The Volkisch Siegen? Something terrible. It would sound like let's do the Holocaust again.

If you could translate that word. Don't they have real gay-ass clubs in Berlin? Yeah, they have like... I think I read that in a brochure. We got real gay-ass clubs. No, I mean like ultra gay, as gay as a club can be. Well, I think this is my area, folks.

Pretty much all clubs are gay. That's true. There's not a single club that isn't. Let's defer to gayness to Adam. Yeah, okay. So yeah, Germany does have a bunch of really gay ultra clubs, big techno clubs. Berlin is like a techno center of the world

have you ever been no I haven't but there's this club I've never been to a single one yeah oh I've been to clubs I've never gone to a club

in my life I've been briefly they suck wear a club sandwich hey what the fuck about club soda I like club soda also thank you

oh thanks actually you tried to insult me but I like both those things so thank you should it just be called not soda club soda also Thank you Oh thanks Actually you tried to insult me But I like both those things So thank you Should it just be called Not soda Club soda

Now we're thinking That's not soda What do you mean It's got bubbles Yeah that's seltzer It's a type of soda Yeah what's the difference There's no difference

That's like a Seinfeld Opening bit dude No it's an original Shouldn't it be called Not soda If I fucking If I go to a restaurant It's like a Seinfeld opening bit, dude. No, it's an original thought. Shouldn't it be called not soda? If I go to a restaurant and I'm like, let me get a soda, they'll bring you Coke or Pepsi. Sure. Because they know what I mean.

They'd ask you what kind of soda. They wouldn't just bring you Coke or Pepsi. If you said soda, you'd think... One of those Bernie Mac ads. If you want a Pepsi, ask for for a pepsi yeah i was i was on a tone of the commercial was like yeah we understand coke is superior but yeah i was on a plan a couple months ago sitting next to this gay guy and he was like they were like taking drink orders and he's like yes uh diet pepsi which i've never heard anyone ever order yeah she's like we

have diet coke and he's like i love when people care one way or the other about that shit yeah that guy's like a fucking diet pep first of all most places have coke right i don't know i like a i like a he did a really loud tongue click and then he was like i'll just have water really yeah he Yeah, he just went water. He didn't have Diet Coke? He didn't have Diet Coke. Interesting. What the fuck is the difference? None, dude. Fucking picky ass motherfucker. Honestly, I don't even fuck with...

What's so frustrating to me is like... What the fuck is Coke Zero? It's just Diet Coke. But it's got no calories? They have Diet Coke. Neither does Diet Coke. It tastes a little different. Or sugar?

No, neither does Diet Coke. It just tastes a little different. I don't know. It's got a black... It's a different sweetener that gives you cancer than they use. You know what would be weird is unsweetened Coke. That's what club soda is. No.

Yeah. Coca-Cola has other shit in it. There's other ingredients. Yeah, like cocaine, bro. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Remember that? Little kid, you thought you were doing Coke.

Dude, it's like... Okay, what are the ingredients in soda, in coke? Pepsi used to have piss in it. That's why it's called that. Piss-psy. Piss. There was cocaine in... Because, you know, they used to prescribe piss to children when they were sick, before

it was legal to do that. Didn't they actually used to put whiskey and shit in a baby to get babies fucked up so they would shut the fuck up? Well, yeah. Heroin was originally like a children's cough medicine. Oh, that's awesome, dude. The children's heroin. Dude, imagine being a little ass kid and just having the time of your coughing and just

having the best day ever, dude. Just doing heroin, not even knowing. Yeah. Oh, my son has a headache, so we got him a bunch of tattoos. We made him go ass to ass with his other friend yeah uh yeah he's in a gang now he's got uh you know he got mumps so we made him join a gang he got sexed in to the gang blood in blood out yeah that's why people were like you humans used to have like a litter of children you'd have like 35 kids and 12 of them would die yeah literally just to fucking be farmhands yeah my grandfather's uh parents used to give him a little shot of uh schnapps

before he'd go to bed because it was cold and they were poor and stuff. And he drank every day the rest of his life. Yeah. How many people were in his family? Actually, I think only three kids, but they were responsible Jews. I see. But yeah, they got him a little fucked up. I thought you were piggybacking on the idea of a lot of litter kids. Oh, no.

I fucked up that whole thing. Well, you're sick. You have an excuse. Yeah, you are a sick boy. How are you feeling, buddy? I'm feeling terrible. I've been in bed for five days now. I've literally just been waking up in pools of my own sweat.

And it's been awful. What if it's not just your sweat? It's probably cum. Dude, what if someone's fucking you in your sleep? It could have happened. I thought a funny sketch would be like, if it's like Outdoor Ed or something, or like Summer Camp.

For whatever reason, there's a bunch of guys in the same room. The guy's waking up, he's like, ah, fuck, I had another wet dream. And it's like, no, you just pissed the bed. You just peed your bed. Oh, yeah. No, it's another wet dream. And it's like, no, you just pissed the bed. You just peed your bed. No, it's a wet dream. A wet dream is when this happens.

No, it's not. That's urine. That's impossible. I had a sexy dream, and now the bed's wet. I had a sexy dream about having to go to the bathroom, and now the bed's wet. It's always funny that that's how that happens if you piss your bed absolutely you're always dreaming about pissing

you gotta you're like i gotta piss real bad and then you're dreaming like oh there's a toilet right here and then you start pissing and you're like why don't i hear the water oh that shit is so fucking funny yeah eldestest, my fucking roommate, was like, yeah, dude, I almost pissed. I almost pissed myself. And he just had a huge wet spot all over his boxes. And I was like, dude, you pissed yourself. You didn't piss your bed, but you pissed yourself. That's what I love when people are like, oh, I sharted.

Like, that never made sense. People sharted. And it's like, what's sharting? It's like, oh, that's when you try to fart, but you shit yourself. And it's like, no, that's just shitting yourself it's like people aren't like shitting themselves on purpose exactly you just shit stop trying to soften the blow absolutely of what happened you shit your pants right like a little ass baby i will say that in the morning when you have to pee and you don't want to get out of bed,

that shit sucks, dude. I wish you could just piss the bed. Dude, astronauts do that shit. That's why people become astronauts. They get dived up. Yeah. Well, then they got a vacuum that connects to your dick and it just sucks all the piss out of you.

So you don't have to get out of bed. They got the fuck... That's the fucking life. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That ruins a nice fucking sleep. How do astronauts sleep? They just float? No, they got like sleeping bags like Velcro to the life. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That ruins a nice fucking sleep. How do astronauts sleep? They just float?

No, they get like sleeping bags like Velcro to the walls. And they put a strap, a headband on or some shit? Yeah. Do astronauts ever fuck in space? It fucks up your vision, too.

Really? Because your eyeballs, like the intraocular fluid, you know, we evolved to have a certain, like, specific pressure inside your eye.

Right, right, right. And you spend like a year in space and you come back and your vision's all fucked up really yeah the lack of gravity will fuck up your eyeballs

damn but you get your dick sucked by sexy Mars bitches green bitches dude well that's why they have three tits because the gravity's different yeah yeah yeah

women on earth only have two tits because if they had three it would break their spine are you basing that on that Arnold movie what's the Total Recall

Total Recall three titties I haven't seen that on that Arnold movie? What's the total recall? Total recall? Three titties? I haven't seen that either. That's on the list. I saw a ton of movies. You've never seen Total Recall? I got a list of movies I must watch. Philip K.G., dude.

Oh, you know what I watched that I did not like is Indiana Jones. Which one? The first one. Yeah, I mean, they're for kids. I haven't watched them since I was a kid, but yeah. I mean, even when I was a kid, I was like, these are all right. Yeah, that shit sucked, dude. And I didn't even understand what the fuck was going on.

Like, he had, like, some lady that he fucked when she was a child or something. Like, she was like, I was a child. He was like, you knew what you were doing. Wait, are you talking about the crystal skull? No, the first one. Oh, the first one. She had, like, his mentor's daughter he fucked when she was young. And then he just steals artifacts from poor-ass countries.

Yeah. Like, that's the hero. I love that, dude. It's just, he's stealing shit from poor countries that have no other natural resources. Well, the Nazis would take it otherwise. He's preventing the Nazis from getting... I guess, but he could, you know,

help them out or something. Yeah, the Nazis could do magic with it and make it a bomb or something. Yeah, why did the Nazis know magic and shit? And there's, like, a snitch-ass monkey. Well, that was real, dude. I mean, like, fucking, that's what's so funny about the Nazis

is that, like, some of the, like, you know, Himmler, like, guys that were behind the Holocaust were also really into the occult. Occult, yeah. So it's so funny to me that there's, like, there were guys that were like, look, it's a fucking zero-sum game. These people are a problem.

We have to exterminate all of them. We're going to plan all these death camps and kill them. And it's like very, you know, cold, calculating guys are also like, but what if Santa is real? And we can find him with symbols. That shit is funny, though. You got to give it to the Nazis in terms of them being just so evil. They're like, yeah, we're also into the devil, too.

That's how fucking evil we are. Not only do we want to kill Jews, but we want to do it for the Dark Lord. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That shit is... I mean, it's crazy how evil... I was watching some fucking... I mean, we talked about how cool and shit they look, but they look like villains. And then also, all that shit Mussolini had, that had some weird like fucking artwork dude that looked evil like those guys really leaned into being evil

like what well pat that big ass pat was a weird guy too he thought he was reincarnated from like like you know like hannibal or fucking really yeah yeah yeah was he he was good as hell at war right yeah yeah yeah yeah he was he was like uh he'd drive his men real hard right yeah he had me made like a bunch of people die he was like a doctor house they wanted to go too far this time he's like i know what i'm fucking doing he wanted to tell me what to do he wanted to invade russia immediately after immediately after the war oh yeah after germany surrendered he's like, we need to invade Russia right now. He's like, we need to kill all the Russians.

Who's the dude with Korea that wanted to go north of the parallel? MacArthur? No, Alan Alda. It was Alan Alda. No, it was the guy in the dress. Yeah. Clinger.

Clinger. Yeah. Or whatever. I love that... He's trans. He's not trans. He was dressing like a woman so that they would Send him home

For being crazy That's the plot That's why he dresses like that It makes sense And then he just Continued dressing like that Yeah so he Literally was trans probably

That was just his way Of being in He was like Oh I'm just trying To get sent home It was a double sneak Yeah it was a double sneak And then they didn't

Send him home I've never actually Watched the show But I recently Watched the movie MASH. The Robert Allman movie. It's pretty funny.

I'll watch it. That's my take. It's going on the list of shows I need to watch. You know what I loved is that Futurama episode

with the robot MASH. Yeah there was some MASH reference with robots or whatever. I'm trying to well if you haven't

seen it. There was one watch that. I should re-watch Futurama man that was a good show Futurama was pretty good yeah it was for smart guys

to know stuff about math yeah oh yeah as a mathematician myself mathematician just means somebody that does math right I think so

and I do math you know I guess that's true I need to add numbers together sometimes split a check so I could technically call myself a mathematician I think we're all mathematicians anytime you Venmo anyone anything that's true I need to add numbers together sometimes Split a check So I could technically Call myself a mathematician

I think we're all mathematicians Yeah Anytime you Venmo anyone anything That's sort of math That's mathematics Yeah No I mean I have to add numbers together A lot dude

I had to take measurements For the window in my room Yeah Nah if you're doing real work though If you're doing math to do Hard work Labor Then you're just a dumb ass laborer

Yeah then you're Guatemala But if you're just It's not work I'm not getting paid for that shit but if you're no but you're doing like with your hand shit that's just but if you're just sitting like a little bitch with a notebook doing math remember in jordan used to do this like mathematician bro character all the time like this bro character scotty or whatever and like uh we used to just like you know scotty hitting on girls or whatever one of the things like we would say is like uh yeah you know i mean sometimes i just like sit around do like

fucking crazy hard math problems what's like a million times ten thousand and shit like that it's like this the square root of like 560 say i mean i've been working on that one a while but yeah so you know i'm not just I'm not just all about the muscles. Just all those guys I used to watch. I used to watch Change of Heart and Blind Date all the time. Hell yeah, dude. I loved those shows. Blind Date was that shit.

It was always like some... The game was on Change of Heart. Some dickhead that looked like a fucking Adam's apple with just platinum blonde spikes above it. And be like, yo, my name's Chaz. I'm 27 years old. And basically, I think my strongest strengths is I have a really great sense of humor. And I'm like a fun guy or whatever.

And then it was always the same thing. It was like, my name's Brian. I'm 26 years old. I'm working in retail currently while I try to pursue a career in retail management. My strong suits are that I got a really great sense of humor.

It was always that they had a great sense of humor and then I would watch these people go on terrible dates to a sushi place. I remember there was one they'd go get sushi and then they went to a

place where they get like latex body paint done oh yeah oh there's all you're right there's always a weird one yeah there's like you know go to a fucking uh do like pottery or like fucking yeah hot air balloon or some you know some shit like that right which nobody ever does on a normal fucking date no you go do something boring because if you're like that much of a a fucking dumb obnoxious person that like you can't just go to dinner with somebody yeah and be interesting that you're like yeah we need to go on a hot air balloon you gotta do it that's what that show is it would find absolutely there was one guy i remember it stuck with me it was just like a nice woman And some guy was like

Just drunk And talking about How little his dick was And then he just like Are you sure this wasn't A fever dream? Yeah It was like

This is actually Was my first date ever You like wake up You're like Oh I had another wet dream And I was just like No it's your turn No it's your turn

You're turning to be the girl I wasn't even going that direction we were going on dates together on those shows what was the deal with the jacuzzi right that's like still did you see that video

the jacuzzi was big sorry to interject this but back on the your turn to be the girl thing I was laughing with a friend of mine one time it's like two guys like you know they're like

we should practice making out so like when we do it with girls we'll be better at it I'm like okay and then it's like but we can't kiss each other that's gay and they're like we should practice making out so like when we do it with girls we'll be better at it i'm like okay and then it's like but we can't kiss each other that's gay and they're like right if we use each other's assholes though we're not kissing each other i always joke about with like close friends like with eldest or ben or whoever the fuck george like we're like it's like a shame that we are not sexually attracted to each other. What I want to do is get two hookers

that blow us under a table or something while we hold hands and look in each other's eyes. That seems like the closest way to sex with your straight bros. That would fix it. Other people are like, man, it sucks that I'm not gay because I could just marry my best friend and it would be perfect.

It's like, no, you'd probably just grow to hate them. Yeah. Who's not in a relationship with your friends. Exactly. You would introduce sex into the equation and fuck everything up and you would resent them in like, you know, a couple years tops. And then you'd get sad about how awesome it used to be to hang out and you can't even have them in your life anymore.

Right. And then you'd find a shittier version of them who maybe lets you be a little, doesn't hold you as accountable for your problems and live a bad life. Well, that's the thing is everybody gets older and they just don't have standards anymore. Right. That's what I'm banking on, baby. Right. Let's hit that 30, dude.

Like, imagine like dating in your 60s, which people are doing now. And it's like, just die. Yeah. Nick Griffin has that awesome joke where he's like, dating in your 40s, it's like every date you start with, so, what did you want to be? It's like, that shit is fucking... He has some of the best material on dating

when you're fucking older. He's funny as shit. Nick Griffin, dating when you're older? Check him out. You can find his dating when you're older material. Literally do check Nick Mullen is being a dick, but Nick Griffin is hilarious. Who is he? You don't know Nick Griffin? No. Oh, dude, this guy, Nick Mullen is being a dick, but Nick Griffin is hilarious. Who is he? You don't know Nick Griffin?

No. Oh, dude, this guy, that guy's funny as shit. Eddie Griffin's. He's Eddie Griffin's son. Son?

He's Eddie Griffin's son. Yeah. He's a small black child. He's Eddie Griffin's son, who's just some guy. Yeah, yeah. That's just some guy

who's probably a banker in Pennsylvania. No, Eddie Griffin's son. Eddie Griffin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but Nick Griffin's funny as shit. I'm surprised you guys don't know him. some guy who's probably a banker in pennsylvania no eddie griffin's son eddie griffin yeah yeah uh no but nick griffin's funny shit i'm surprised you guys don't know him he did like 20 lettermans or some crazy shit so i've heard the name before i remember somebody was like praising him once but i've never met he's such a good comic yeah he's got some of the best bits

um but anyway uh yeah let's do his bit i don't know he is so we can's do his bit. I don't know who he is, so we can just do his bit. I literally didn't do that. That's how this started. I want to have a podcast. I think it probably exists already where you're just like, okay, today we're going to remember this episode of The Simpsons and just say all the jokes from it. I'm down, dude. Let's do that.

I used to wish that I could just do that as stand-up. You guys remember that Simpsons show? Do you know that guy T-Rex? Yeah, yeah. I remember one time, he literally was doing that with Family Guy at Magoobies. It was just like on stage, not even a podcast. He's like, ten minutes left in a headlining set.

He's just talking about a funny-ass episode of Family Guy. I'm like doing his Stewie voice. It was so fucking awesome. Oh, man, that shit fucking rules. It was awesome. I was like, God, respect. Dude, stand-up is awesome. Yeah.

It's been the fucking worst format for comedy. And it's killing harder than any of his bits. It was awesome, dude. Maybe we should start doing that. Yeah. I mean, that's become like a thing. Like, do you hear this thing Trump said? Right? Oh, yeah. yeah well that's a big

problem no seriously though people do this a lot where it's like someone a homeless guy says something funny or they read a funny porn or they read a funny porn comment and then they just say it and it gets a laugh and then they add nothing to it and it's like that's you can't do that

that's fucking like you know that's not your bit you did not write that awesome burn that some gay guy in line behind you said to you you know what i mean yeah although speaking of a great burn now i'm going to do that on this podcast yeah it's not one of the funniest things i've heard in the last year on stage dc benny he's talking about i love living in brooklyn because like you hear he's like you just hear the craziest shit in brooklyn he's like look i was hanging out and I feel bad doing his bit but then the bit's about a thing he heard

so right right right but he's like he's like yeah I just heard outside my apartment the other day a guy go man you know what

the real M word is psh knowledge yeah yeah I was like that for like six weeks yeah I just remember it

throughout the day yeah that's so funny yeah DC's not doing that, though. It's like, I'm talking about like people who just literally just fucking present it as like,

I don't know. Yeah, you're not writing a bit. Well, that's what I fucking hate. Because that's part of a bit. I'll tell a story sometimes like a comment and be like, you gotta do that on stage.

And be like, what? Just say I saw something? Right, right, right. That's how comedy works. If you add something to it. How comedy works is you find something to it how comedy works is you find something like club soda

for example right now we've all had club soda and you never notice it's not really soda they should call it not soda and that's the essence of a stand up

boom ba dum boom boom boom boom ba da da da da da suck on my dick um speaking of a mean thing

someone said to me once I just remembered this I was when I was fucking I was just fat as hell like even fatter than this it was like one of my worst times

and I actually ended up losing a bunch of weight and I started going to the fucking gym but there was this it was like a nicer gym in Baltimore where there was the swimming pool and was it that one at the

Merritt yeah the Merritt Athletic yeah and I was I was like you know I didn't feel great about myself but I was like There's the swimming pool. Was it that one at the? Merritt. Yeah, the Merritt Athletic. Yeah. And I was like, you know, I didn't feel great about myself, but I was like, at least I'm in the gym. I'm turning my life around. And this guy was there with his son, and he was just like a toddler that was like going, you know, swimming with his dad.

And he just walks in, and it's me and like three jacked dudes. And the kid goes, hey, Dad, what's that little fat guy doing here? He was like, hey, Dad, dad what's that little fat guy doing here he was like hey dad why is there a little fat guy here and I was like he was just genuinely curious he was like

he wasn't being a dick because he's a child and he was just like yeah there's no a little fat guy shouldn't be here um that's hilarious

and then he fucking uh but it's also annoying because he was like he was a fat child. Yeah. It was like, come on,

you're not even a fucking sexy ass kid saying that shit. I remember I was like, uh, I went like hiking or something with my parents and some like somewhere in the, you know, we're on like the trail in the woods. And I was probably like five or six and some fat guy walked past us on the trail and I didn't know any better.

So I was like, wow, look how fat that guy is. Right in front of him. I was like, look, mom, look. Look how fat this guy is. And my mom started hitting me or whatever and my parents were like, I'm so sorry. And they're like, you can't fucking say that about people. I'm like, what? And they're like, it can't fucking say that about people. I'm like, what?

And they're like, it's bad to be fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not, they're not less, it's mean to the, it's, well, it's the,

I don't know why you can't say it, but you can say it. It's fat shaming, you know, or whatever. It's the same. Just mean. And then so much,

hold on. So then we're still walking and then, you know, the paths like loop around through the woods or whatever. So we like pass by the guy again and i was like look there's that guy again and then he looks all upset and they're like you know they get mad at me again i'm like i didn't say he was fat i said it was a guy from before and i didn't understand why i got

in trouble again yeah dude who who knew that would be a large portion of your career later on? Just calling people fat. The therapist. The therapist. Yeah. That's who explained it to them. They're like, well, it's a spectrum. He's not going to shit himself.

I got to piss. But he might for sexual reasons at some point. It'll be by choice. So when I was a kid, we moved back to south africa like after apartheid ended for two years and i was on the beach walking with my grandma and there's this like homeless guy walking towards us it's like african dude yeah and um i just remember turning to my grandma and being like um he stinks and then my grandma says she just turned to me she's like you can't say that about them anymore that's hilarious yeah and i was like uh well what did she mean did she mean homeless people or she mean i thought she meant african people i think

she meant black people do south South Africans consider themselves POCs? There were some fucking Jewish South African kids that I know put African American on their college applications. Yeah. Which was fucked. Yeah, why not, dude? I didn't do it. I'm white. I'm Caucasian.

Yeah, you're not Caucasian. I'm not from the Caucasus. What is that? Like the Urals? The Urals in the Caucasus? I'm not like a man. Yeah, I'm not from the Caucasus. Yeah.

Whatever, I'm white. Yeah, how did the Caucasians get to... They took over the whole thing. How did they get to take like Aryan too? That's not... Germans weren't even using that word right. Yeah. Like Aryans are like...

They're like Persians. Really? Yeah, the original Aryans and Pers, they're like Persians. Really? Are they? Yeah, the original Aryans and Persians have, like, the same, like, ethnic roots. Really? Yeah.

Damn, I didn't know that. Well, it's, race is weird. I remember there was some, like, propaganda chart I saw where they, it was, like, you know, produced by the English

or whatever. And it's explaining, like, did you know that the Irish are actually, they're black people they're monkeys cartoon they have like an english guy that looks normal and then like a cartoon of an irish guy with like this big fucked up nose and they're like yeah the i've seen that you know um uh qualities really yeah yeah i love that shit dude how just like well that's what

makes you think like oh yeah even when how just like well that's what makes you think like oh yeah even when people are like well you know there's some truth to stereotypes well even when you start believing that then you realize like no every stereotypes are are real but they're cultural it's not like based on your fucking genes yeah i know but what i'm saying is like fucking exactly what you're talking about it's like a hundred years ago whatever ago or whatever, English people were saying, like, look at these dumb Irish talking loud in movie theaters or whatever the fuck they were saying. You know what I mean? Like, it all just, it's all completely societal. Like, the black people movie theater thing comes from, like, black Southern Baptist churches where, like, they have more of a call and response, you know, interaction format in the church rather than, like, like you know in church used to be the thing you would just go do yeah that sucks

culturally it makes more sense and in schools they got fucked over that way too because like they would like get bad like citizenship marks also you know like even going all the way back to slavery like uh like field hollers were call and response based. And that influences music and everything going forward. But that's where the talking and the themes comes in. Oral narrative. Yeah. I've got an oral narrative for you, pal.

What is that? Okay. It's a little story about something I do to your mouth. What's the story? It starts with Adam's mouth, and then it ends with something inside of it. And that something also puts something else inside of it. This sounds confusing.

Yeah, I don't get it. Just let me show you. We can't talk right. What were you saying earlier? That you have trouble following Disney movies? No, I didn't say follow. I have trouble following. No, Indiana Jones was confusing you. Yeah, that's what he said.

It just sucked. It wasn't confusing. It was just like... Well, you said that. You said you didn't get it. Confusing because it was dumb. I didn't know whether to make fun of you for that or not because I don't remember the original Indiana Jones.

It's not good at all. If I wasn't sick, I would have helped you make fun of stuff. Shut up, bitch. I'm also sick. I got heartburn real bad, which Starling. Hey, shut up, bitch. I'm also sick. I got heartburn real bad, which is a type of sick. That's not a type of sick. What'd you eat? No, I just had Chinese food last night.

I mean, I've got, like, heartburn problems now. I think it was from all the Indian food I was eating, like, six months ago. You think it's just catching up to you? No, I mean, I was, like, chronically fucking up my stomach because I'd go get Indian food, and then I got really into hot sauce for a while. So I would go to Chipotle, and then every bite I would douse in fucking hot sauce. I love throwing that fucking Chipotle, that smoky shit on it.

I used to have... You know how... I never understood when people are like, you eat spicy food, that shit's going to be tearing up your ass the next day, and I never experienced that. I would eat hot sauce, and I would would shit normally and it wasn't a problem. And in the last year, like, I'm like, oh, now I get it. Oh, no, it fucks my ass cheeks all the way up. Yeah, no, the first time that ever happened to me was like probably a year ago. I used to just shit normally.

How about you, Adam? Do you shit bad after a spicy food? Yeah, I have a Bernie. I don't know if it's spicy food, but, you know, you got a Bernie shit that ruins the next 48 hours. For sure. You got to fucking very carefully wipe your ass. Ooh, that's a rough one. Yeah, and then you get a little streak of blood.

Why is it they're like a Dyson bidet, you know? Like a thing that just blows air over your asshole so hard that it cleans it? Yeah, James Dyson needs to step up his bars. The ion energy. It uses ion energy to suck the shit completely out of your ass he should because a big problem with wiping is buffeting and that's where you know with this diagram we explain that the shit gets smeared i want a damn bidet dude yeah how much do bidets cost uh david feldman's uh where they do his podcast they do it as like agent's

apartment and he has some like japanese like it sits over the toilet oh yeah yeah yeah it looks like standard in japan yeah everyone has that yeah it looks like uh like a super nintendo sits on top of the toilet oh shit amber's pulling it up right here there's one for like 100 bucks dude but yeah it's not that expensive. I'm going to get one, dude. I want a robot to lick my ass. Yeah. That's how we show fucking dominance over them.

I was just talking about that. I actually have it down on the notes for the show here. No, I'm serious. What? Yeah. I just... I don't know. I forget which heading it was under.

It's health and wellness, but... There literally is is by the way uh notes guys he's not joking uh oh i was saying i want a feeding tube that connects to an amazon drone that makes all my decisions for me and the drone will also wipe my ass and jack me off i think the reason that sex robots haven't caught on is because they just make sex robots like you get a fucking real doll and all it does is fuck. And what you need is the sex to be like an added bonus, you know? Like, cup holders, you know, who the fuck would just buy a cup holder?

But you put it in a car and everybody needs a cup holder. That's what I'm saying. But people do buy just pocket pussies. They do, but if you had a way to fuck other types of robots, like they specifically, when they made the Roomba, they were worried

about people fucking it. Really? So they made it impossible to fuck, I'm assuming. Because there's no way to fuck a Roomba. But yeah, you can figure it out.

You can fuck every other kind of vacuum, but you can't fuck one that has a mind of its own. You know, because it raises weird ethical questions. Because you know

it wants to fuck too. Right. Was that the problem? It doesn't have a fucking pussy. You know, because it raises weird ethical questions. Because you know it wants to fuck, too. Right. Was that the problem? It doesn't have a fucking pussy. People were fucking too many regular vacuums, so they made up the Roomba. So the, you know. Less people. So less people would be trying to fuck you.

You can actually get a pocket pussy attachment. I remember a Darwin Awards about a guy sticking his, he stuck his dick into the vacuum, like, body assembly instead of the hose at the end. And his dick just got chopped off by one of the blades. Oh. By, like, body assembly instead of the hose at the end. And his dick just got chopped off by one of the blades. Oh. By, like, the compressor blades. And then he killed himself because he had no dick. That was half of the Darwin Awards was people, like, getting their dick chopped off.

And speaking of which, what a fucking bizarre. You could not make the Darwin Awards now. No. We've talked about this. Have we? Yeah. I don't think we have. Well, let's talk about it.

Well, if you say we talk. Have we? Probably. Why couldn't you? Because it would be making fun of people that died. Yeah. And you know how offended people would be? They definitely would be.

Yeah. But it wasn't really funny. Imagine if fucking David Carradine died this week the same way and people were trying to make jokes. Nah, people would still go off. It was just autoerotic asphyxiation, right? Yeah. That's it, right?

In Malaysia, that's it? In Bangkok. In Bangkok? I thought it was in Kuala Lumpur. Yeah, which is a weird thing to do to go to Southeast Asia to jack off. Yeah. You go get a boy to do it for you. They're like, oh yeah yeah we're going to fucking uh

we're going to shake shack and i'm just gonna get the salad yeah you know it's not even that i'm gonna make my own burger right i'm bringing loose hamburger meat just jacking off. Fucking one of the shakes. They're very creamy. Yeah. No, they got boys there.

There was actually a bit I used to do, but I had to stop doing it because Nate Bargatze also has a bit about the rocket launchers in Cambodia. Oh, what is it? Because I felt weird. Do it. Well, my take on it was that, like, you know, me and my friend Eric Krug were actually trying to go to Cambodia because he used to get these like cheap companion flights. But the thing with going to Cambodia is like people just assume that you're going to fuck boys. But why I wanted to go is specifically because of that rocket launcher thing. They have like a place where you can blow up a cow with a rocket launcher.

Whoa. And then you fire like fully automatic AK-47s and they got grenades and shit yeah you got grenades you can throw in like a lake and shit and it's like that seems like the most fun i'd ever have in my life but it's like after after you blow up a fucking cow with an rpg you expect me to just like fuck a normal prostitute no you have to fuck a boy like fuck a normal prostitute? No, you have to fuck a boy. That's the only thing you could possibly do

after blowing up that cow is fuck a boy. It's kind of rude to blow up a cow. Can't you just blow up a rock or something? I mean, you could if you're a pussy.

Dude, the cow didn't do nothing to you, dude. Well, that's... Yeah, you can't even use it as food, really. Well, can can you pick up is it barbecued and tasty afterwards yeah it's like a fuck it's like a video game is it a gun that shoots it and it becomes beautiful steaks yeah that grenade's filled with kc masterpiece dude yeah oh that sounds awesome what happened to kc masterpiece chips i think we've also talked about that that

was lays lays did like a collabo with them right no back in the day kc masterpiece chips i think we've also talked about that that was lays lays did like a collabo with them right no back in the day kc masterpiece had their own chips i thought they were with ruffles maybe they were but i remember loving those as a kid i love barbecue chips barbecue chips going to the fucking pool you go to the pool you get the kc barbecue i like the utz i like the utz barbecue you get the your hands are still wet from the pool, so you get all that fucking dust stuck to them and you just jump back Orange hands? Yeah.

Yeah. Nah, dude, the Utz are better than the KC barbecue. That's my stance. Do you remember kids that were like naturally How about,

how about a KC Anthony masterpiece? And it's, it's barbecue that tastes like a dead child. Nicely done, my friend. That's nice. And it's barbecue that tastes like a dead child. Nicely done, my friend. That's nice.

That's very good shit. If you want... Hi, Nancy Grace here, and I'm making my own barbecue sauce now. It's called Casey Anthony Masterpiece, and it's made out of dead babies. If you would like to smother your child in barbecue sauce, we will send you a paint mixing bucket that you can dunk your toddler's head into and murder them if you would like to be featured on the show.

Fuck. You know who I probably couldn't tell the difference between if I had to? Nancy Grace and Paula Deen. You could. Paula Deen's got gray hair. No, let's say the lights are very dim. You're having sex with an elderly woman.

Paula Deen and Nancy Grace? Yeah. Paula Deen's older, fatter. I mean, if you had to fuck one, maybe you do pick Paula, though. I would fuck Paula, for sure. Yeah, she's a slut, dude. That's right. Hell yeah, she's a slut.

That fucking slutty old bitch. No, I mean, she is a slut dude If you watch the show She's always like Next is coming out As my beautiful 12 foot long Chocolatey Claire's

Like shirtless men Bring them out She's sucking on the tip Dude you know Paula Deen sucks good dick Oh yeah You know she does dude That's what I'm saying dude

She's a slut She's just fucking S-L-O-T She probably has like A little melted butter brush she puts on your dick and reapplies periodically. She fucks like 21-year-old Brazilian dudes, right? Does she?

Hell yeah, dude. Well, that's the only time she uses the N-word. That's how it started. They were like, have you ever used the N-word? And she's like, well, yes, but it's embarrassing. And then that's why they retracted all the details. The rest of it is only when she comes. Oh, man.

All right. I just loved her response to that. She said you used it one time, but like in 1983 when she was working at a bank that was robbed. That's the only time she said the M word. That's so awesome. Which is like so fun. Because that's still not even a good excuse. No.

Yeah, all the time at home is a joke. Yeah, of course. You'd be like, okay, she's normal. She's like a normal person. Yeah, on my podcast every once in a while. Yeah, right. In terms of a good bit. But imagine you're working at a bank and the bank got robbed and you're

like, well, I guess it's time to say it. Take a little glass case that's behind you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For emergencies only. Break glasses. That's literally like the stand-up comic defense. Like, how many people had, I think Voss had a joke or some, or maybe DePaulo was like, really, you say African-American when one cuts you off in traffic?

Like that's her defense. Sounds like DePaulo. Yeah, probably DePaulo. But, yeah, P. Dean, dude. Yeah, Nancy Grace probably doesn't fuck good. Black people don't really... They're not dicks when they drive, usually, I don't think. I don't think I've ever been cut off by a black person.

What? Never. Yeah. Even when you're in, like, Baltimore and D.C.? Yeah, I mean, maybe you know what it is. I just can't see who's driving the cars. You're always drunk when you're driving. So you have no idea what the ethnicity is.

First of all, nobody cuts me. drunk when you're driving so you have no idea what the ethnicity is first of all nobody cuts me one time i got in a fucking shouting match with this fucking old black dude that cut me off and his son was in the car and he's like you better watch when you're like what are you gonna beat me up yeah like his poor son is just like yelling at me for no reason i don't remember i was probably a dick also i have some anger issues sometimes yeah you. You have road rage. You do. It's annoying. Yeah. In the car a little bit. That's why I love

driving those trucks when I do that job. Oh my God. You're the king of the road. Oh yeah. No I'll fucking I'll just kill you and you're not a family.

It's not even my truck. I'd fuck I could not care less if you want to play a chicken with me Yeah dude. on 6th Avenue. Do you ever win?

Yeah. Do you ever kill someone? I've killed three or four families, dude. You better not fuck with me. I'll fucking run your ass over. So it was Stav's birthday this week. Yeah. I missed both my boys, dude.

Yeah, I know. Adam was sick and I had to go buy shit at Target. Yeah, you had to go run errands during my birthday party? Well, I thought there would be more time. I didn't realize how long it was going to take. Look, your boy got gone off those tequila sodas, dude. Well, let's go to Dave & Buster's. We went to Dave & Buster's for my birthday.

Yeah, I thought I would be down. I don't want to go to Dave & Buster's for my birthday, for my 30th birthday, guys. I'm not 30. Dave & Buster's sucks now. Why now? Because the market is for adults, but it's actually for kids. Yeah. Yeah.

It really is just Chuck E. Cheese. That's what, like, all marketing towards children is either like, this is really for adults, or like, hey, your parents are fucking retards. They don't understand why this cereal's good. Yeah. Your parents will never understand why you want to eat this cereal yeah and it's just because there's candy in it yeah why are you encouraging secret keeping like fucking like cinnamon toast crunch was like it's a taste you can see but adults can't see it

right right right which sounds like something a pedophile would say like you have to keep this just between us tell anybody how much you like our cereal and we'll kill your mom. Don't tell your parents about Cinnamon Toast Crunch. If I was a pedophile, you know, they're like, oh, you got a van filled with candy? It's like, no, fill the van with cereal. Absolutely, dude. Good shit. Tricks.

What was your favorite shit? I love tricks, dude. Oh, the Fruity Pebbles? Yeah. Fruity and Cocoa Pebbles. Holy mother fucker. We weren't allowed. You mix Cocoa and Fruity Pebbles. Nah, get out of here with't allowed. You mix cocoa and fruity pebbles.

Nah, get out of here with that shit, dude. Why? Sometimes I would cut them with Rice Krispie treats. Yeah? You know, just to kind of make it last, make the stash, step on it a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Step on the package. Well, for a while they were selling just the marshmallows for Lucky Charms.

That even to me is insane. Yeah. And I love fucking Deck of Gods. They're bad marshmallows. I'm going to fucking, right after this, I i'm gonna go get a box of lucky charms and some milk and uh a couple of oxycontins dude that sounds awesome i'm gonna relive my childhood power of narcotics i love that simpsons line with auto when they're watching the fucking meteor and he's like, I don't need drugs to enjoy this, only to enhance it. I have been getting stoned as hell

and just running through movies, dude. I saw Point Break. That shit is awesome. That's the way to watch movies is to get high as shit and watch like 30 of them at a time. It was awesome. That's the only way to become a guy

that's seen everything. Absolutely. Which if you haven't done by age 30, you're just not going to be that guy. Absolutely. And that's the only thing i've ever wanted to be or actually we could be those guys our lives are so stupid if we just like i watched i don't think you have the requisite you know a catalog yet to even i mean you just now saw indiana jones yeah you guys talking about like point break and shit yeah you can't do it. I saw Mulan, Sister Act, Point Break, Pulp Fiction. Anthony Kiedis from Red Hot CPs is in that.

Right? And Flea's in it too? Flea's not in it. I was expecting to see Flea. It's just Kiedis. Kiedis is in it. Kiedis, who by the way, it sounds like he really fucked a lot. Yeah.

Back in the day? One time. They all did. One time my brother told me an anecdote he heard. They used the socks as condoms. From someone else who read the autobiography. And apparently, Cade has fucked Flea's sister when he was like 13 or some shit. Nice.

He fucked his adult sister. Yeah. So that's pretty cool. Man, it must be awesome to be a fucking, to be a rock star. Just have that rock star weird charisma that also gets you addicted to drugs. Dude, that's what, uh. But then you don't die from the drugs. So it's like, the only downside to drugs is that they fuck up your life and they can kill you.

But if you live forever and you're rich no matter what, why not be. Yeah, that's the best life. Why not? Like, you can't say, oh, wow, heroin really destroyed their lives. They could have been a successful millionaire band. Right, right, right.

No, they're fine. Yeah, but there's a ton of just people in shitty bands that get fucked up They do a lot of drugs. Yeah, yeah. They're just the... They're the weird,

you know, fucking exception to the rule. And also, Red Hot Chili Peppers is not that good. Your My Butterfly Sugar Baby did a lot of heroin. Did he?

Well, that's good news. Shifty, you mean? Shifty. Shifty Shellshock? Is that his name? Do you remember his name? Shifty Shellshock? Yeah, Shifty Shellshock.

From Crazy Town. Crazy Town. That guy looks a lot like Andrew Bucket. Yeah. Shouts out to Bucket. Got molested or whatever we talked about that one time he didn't get molested he was doing a bit and the bit fell flat I guess he was doing a bit and then he heard us

talking about it and Adam fell for it he's like I feel really bad cause I'm gay he was like dude I can't believe you talked about that I had a lot of explaining to do I had to lot of explaining to do. I had to talk to all my friends about how I got molested. They found out about it on Comptown.

I was like, dude, I feel so bad. And Nick's like, yeah, he's doing a bit, dude. He's doing a fucking bit right now. The fucking master of trolls. Oh, no, dude. I just got an Instagram message. I think my Twitter message. I think my Instagram is done for good, dude.

Did they delete it? I think so. message, I think my Insta's done for good, dude. Did they delete it? I think so. RIP, fuck. Dude, I'm off all social media now except Instagram. That's cool. You're like a thot. I'm a teen. You're a slutty girl, dude.

That's cool. I'm just going to do a bunch of puppy filter pictures. You should do ass selfies in the mirror. Yeah. I need a full-length mirror that i sit indian style in front of and do puppy filter pictures nothing but that with all my makeup strewn about my oh yeah dude my hair straightener you know my shit is like little like like nine-year-old gay gay white boys that think they're like black hot girls they're like all these accounts that always pop

up with like boys that are just like fucking perking their ass out and like taking with puppy filter like mirror so that's what pops up on your dude people find this all the time i feel like i miss this and i would love to make fun of adam but adam's saying that the suggested i'm so sad about my instagram pop-up or nine-year-old gay boys posting. No. I never said that was the suggested follows. Dude, they said my shit got taken down because of bullying and harassment. What the fuck? Yeah, because you're harassing the fat woman. Reindeer?

No. I don't know. It's because you're making fun of body positivity. No, I'm not. I'm a body positive warrior. Dude, if you're a woman, this would be such a big story. This is crazy. Wait until the alt-right guys hear about this.

Dude, what the... It would be one thing if they said it was fucking nudity or whatever. There was no nudity. Getting my dick sucked by the reindeer was the problem. If you're a BBW, this would be... What the fuck? You could be on Oprah right now. Bullying and who the fuck did I harass?

That's what happens when you satirize something that's... It's not satire. Come on, dude. I'm 100%. People feel better, dude, because of me and my work. And I will not stop. I will be back. Yeah, just start a new account.

Fuck, man. Bullying and fucking... I didn't even bully anyone on Instagram. All my bullying is usually through the podcast or Twitter or whatever. Yeah. Whose fault is this? I don't know. Some snitch.

Someone snitched. And I will find you, dude. Who doesn't like you? I feel like Nick and I have a ton of enemies. I feel like we don't have any. Yeah, plenty of enemies. Maybe just someone who hates Nick. Yeah, that's what I figured it was.

But I don't think so, really. Yeah, no, people are that petty. Yeah. Who knows? Maybe someone who hates my laugh. My Discover page, just as an aside my discover page is just dunks basically and sneakers and rap video girl when you say dunks you mean people putting their balls in a young black boy's mouth no very cool slam dunking their testicles in

all right boys mouths it's just butts and dunks. Are dunkaroos Australian? That's what I was about to ask earlier, but I'm sick and slow. Yeah, why did Ernest lick me, dude? Because you got butter all over your forearms? Yeah, but I'm baking, so that's for me for later, Ernest. Dunkaroos are not Australian. They're stolen from...

They're like cultural appropriation. Dude, that's fucked. How did that become the most successful animal, the kangaroo? Because it's stupid looking? It's their national animal. They're the only people that have it. It's on logos for shit. Yeah, I'm asking why.

Because they're the only people that have it. It's distinctive. They got other cool shit, though. Koalas? Koalas, but they're not as fucking badass. Nah, they got Tasmanian devils. That's Tasmania, bitch. Tasmania is a part of Australia.

Dude, I don't think that's true, and I will never look it up. Yes, it is. Words to live by. Dude, I fucking hate the internet. You used to be able to be dumb as shit, and you could just be confident. I know. You used to be able to bully people that were lesser than you on the internet. Now you have to bully the president and stuff.

The internet used to be a place where you just make people cry. Personally, I hate bullying and harassment and I've been framed by Instagram. Four to eight years just quote tweeting the president and it's like, actually, dumbass in chief.

You can't do that, asshole. You're now just the guys you spent eight years making fun of. Like all those fucking T-Cot guys, you're the just the guys you spent eight years making fun of like all those fucking teacot guys you're the same thing i mean i understand being angry but like it doesn't do anything you just fucking embarrass yourself if you're doing that quote tweet the president of course yeah but it's also i mean you are gonna embarrass yourself it doesn't do anything but it's also like it's crazy to think that this is how people used to feel about Obama. Oh, bummer.

And not even because of his, like, most of it because he was black. Because he's black. Yeah. Like, that's what's insane. Like, yeah, it's, I get the urge to be like, fucking idiot Trump, because he's like tweeting about all these horse and acres. Whether it's like, you know, based in fact or not,

but there's plenty of people that fucking were drinking the Kool-Aid about, oh, he's going to take all of our guns and like, you know, the extra judicial, like, not really, they didn't care about that, but definitely Second Amendment bullshit,

you know, so it's not entirely racist, even though it was mostly. you know i don't know i think it was i mean i mean it was just it was it was all fucking it just fueled it they would have these fears about whoever you know i'm trying to remember i'm thinking back to like yeah like 2009 sorry i just keep thinking about my instagram i'm thinking about like 2009 when i first started to see those and like a lot of it was that he was the antichrist

yeah exactly or a gay prostitute but all of that is just slight code for like we don't want a black guy why is he the antichrist? because he's fucking black but that's what's insane for all those reasons people felt this badly

but Trump actually is so crazy weird and fucking dangerous like how unstable that fucking he's emotionally unstable that uh it's yeah obama like listen he also deported millions of people he also people he got he also that tatted a lot of children children yeah yeah but like at least he was like put together. Dude, Trump is unraveling. We are 1.6% of the way through his four-year term today. He's been to Mar-a-Lago every weekend. Shit is fucking crazy, dude.

Why wouldn't he? He just keeps going on vacation. He's not going to make it. I don't think the vacations are that big of a deal. Because people do that with every president. Like, oh, Bush played golf 40% of the time he was in office. They would stay in the White House. I don't know, man.

It's weird. He's taking calls at Mar-a-Lago. People are just there hanging out. It's not like he shuts down Mar-a-Lago and does business. It's just like people are fucking eating. What is Mar-a-Lago? It's beautiful. It was built by Amber.

Do you know who it was built by? What's her name? The real estate developer that was also, she was an actress too. Socialite. Dorothy Hamill. Yeah. Yeah, Dorothy Hamill built Mar-a-Lago in, what's that? Yeah, yeah, that's it, yeah.

Post Merriweather. Emily Post. Yeah. Oh, Merriweather Post Pavilion? Yeah, they, that's it. Post Merriweather. Emily Post. Yeah. Oh, Merriweather Post Pavilion? Yeah, same people. Nice. Yeah, Merriweather Post... Is it a hotel? Is it a slightly stupid play there also?

Or a house? Yeah. Is it a house or a hotel? It's a club, isn't it? It's a club? Yeah, it's a big resort with a big fucking house. Yeah, that's fucking nuts. Yeah.

He's over there fucking taking calls in the dining room. It's beautiful. I'm sure it's tight as fuck because it's a big resort with a big fucking house. Yeah, that's fucking nuts. Yeah. He's over there fucking taking calls in the dining room. It's beautiful. I'm sure it's tight as fuck. Where is it? Palm Beach? Because it's rich people shit. I'll go. Let's all go.

Let's go and like overhear some fucking diplomacy. It would be cool if he also owned the Winchester house, that haunted house made by the Gunn family. Oh, shit. And then he did all his vacations there. I didn't know about that. Or Universal Studios. That would be the funniest. If he was just a Disney World concert.

That would be awesome, dude. And he was on Space Mountain taking calls. He just has his own private... Excuse me. Yeah. We had to shut down all the Wayne's World shit. Trump's dressed like Garth. He's taking phone calls as Garth.

I want the dog that also looks like Garth. Find me that dog. I just bring another dog. He's like, this is not the same dog. He's like, I want the one from the movie. I'm like, sure, that dog's been dead for years. We're working on the technology to bring the dog back to life. Trust me, it's going to be great.

Mexico's going to pay for it. Oh, yeah, dude. That's a good... I'll send that joke to Bill Maher. That's not bad, dude. Yeah. Bill Maher. Trump's meeting with Putin.

Yeah, this will be interesting to see if they meet anywhere outside of a bathroom with a hole in the stall wall. That's better. That's better. That's not bad. That's a Bill Maher. Yeah. That's a Bill.her Yeah That's a Bill I'd laugh at any joke

With a glory hole though Yeah To be fair Yeah I feel like it's just It's gonna be four years Of Bill Maher calling The president gay In different ways

I You know it's just like I don't think he does that I think he's like More like Does like Jokes about Weed and stuff

About how he's like and also and God really doubles down on all Muslims being bad and he hates Muslims like that shit is so fucking funny

it's like that's your stance you fucking piece of shit he's just such a smug atheist he thinks he's better than all religions but he's so shitty about Muslims

yeah he's a devout atheist ugh the worst kind of person that's the best kind of Twitter He's a devout atheist. Ugh, the worst kind of person. That's the best kind of Twitter bio to have. Devout atheist. Automatic follow.

All right, well, we got to wrap this up, but I just want to touch on something funny, maybe. If we could. I was saying, Valentine's Day, it's weird that there's candy given out on Valentine's Day, you know? Because the people who enjoy candy the most, fat people, don't usually have Valentine's dates.

Oh, I don't know that that's true. It's true. And it feels mean that you give out candy on Valentine's Day because it's for hot people, Valentine's Day. Well, it's not. No, it's for everyone. So you should give vegetables or vitamins. That's true.

All bodies deserve love. But we make little kids do valentines so they can like fuck each other and stuff yeah they have to that's weird

they have to give out you have to give out valentine's day cards did you guys get my valentines I mailed them to you no did they make you do that

yeah they made you do it everyone in your class and you had a box and then sometimes you wouldn't give you'd have to do it to guys

ugly girls and stuff that's bullshit guys and ugly girls you stuff. That's bullshit. Guys and ugly girls. You just want to get the hot third graders. I'm just trying to give it to fucking fat people. There's no holiday for fat people. 11-year-olds.

You realize that? Yes, there is. Thanksgiving, bitch. No, that's for Americans. Nah, dude. Who are fat people? Americans. Americans.

We're the fattest. Also, holler at me at Greek Easter. You want to see a holiday for fat people? Americans. Americans. We're the fattest. Also, holler at me at Greek Easter. You want to see a holiday for fat people, dude. Just lambs on the fucking spit. Lamb chops on the grill. I can't wait. Is there a patron saint of obesity? It is Paula Deen, actually.

Yeah, St. Paula Deen. St. Paula. It's fucking Dom DeLuise. He's the patron saint Of obesity St. Charles of Bormeo Is that real? St. Charles of Bormeo Apparently

St. Diabetes Dionysus The Greek god He would go off And party and shit He's a wine guy Yeah he is wine I think he was gluttonous also

Yeah It was just wine No He would go crazy, dude. He would have like big-ass fucking bacchanals, dude. Yeah. I mean, I know that's a Roman word. They stole so much of our shit, dude.

Yeah. Fuck Rome, dude. Being slutty. Dionysus got his dick sucked. He had those satyrs, those guys with horns. Yeah. They were horny as hell. That's true.

You know? But there's always bitches around prior to they stole our shit they were farmers prior to anything everyone's basically just farmers yeah right yo check this out leather skirts but i mean like why did they just steal the culture because they couldn't they probably didn't think that was real. I'm sure they had some sort of origin myth or whatever. Probably our shit just spread to there, because Ancient Greece probably just was all over there. There's probably clear answers on all this.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know. There's like a boat or something. We probably owned that shit, and then we got our shit fucked up. There's probably a king or something. It's always a crazy story is the story of the Rosetta Stone. How they just like

didn't know any like ancient language and then they were like fucking somebody was blowing up a town and they were like oh check this out

it's like just the most important you know fine. Yeah who knows how much shit has just gotten fucking destroyed.

Well you know about the Alexandria Library, right? Yeah, they burned all that shit. Yeah, because that library burned down, the humanity went into the Dark Ages. It's crazy. Because we just lost so much knowledge. Yep.

I hope we go into another Dark Ages. Who burned that shit down? I don't remember. I want nothing. I started watching Hero the other night again. Jet Li? And I just want nothing but to be a Chinese warlord. That shit would fucking rule.

Whatever that stick is, like the pole arm, it's a stick with a sword at the end, which is genius. It's pretty good. If some dumbass comes at you with a sword, you're like, all right, well, I have a sword plus 10 feet. Isn't that just a spear? No. Basically.

No, a spear's just got like a spearhead on it. Yeah, but it's basically. A polearm at the end is a sword. It's basically a spear. Well, kind of a ho-hum end to our holiday special. I don't know if you have any dating tips for you guys. Shouldn't we plug the show? Yes, please. We should have said that at the top. Yeah, I know. I don't know if you have any dating tips for you guys Shouldn't we plug the show? Yes please We should have said that at the top

The 21st We're at Caroline's The 28th we're at Come On Everybody Please come out to Caroline's This is our big show We're on Broadway There's a lot of songs New York on Broadway

This is our big night guys And if it doesn't go well, maybe we'll cancel coming out. It'll be embarrassing as hell. It'll be very embarrassing. We've got some big acts that are going to be coming out. We can't say who, but they're big. Louis Anderson. I would thank

my co-host, Nick and Stav, for carrying this one. I'm fucking dying of illness. Oh, that's alright. Oh, by the way, guys, I got Final Cut, so we are definitely... Two or three months away from... The video stuff is coming real soon. Right around the corner.

I mean, that was the problem is that I couldn't edit it. Yeah, Final Cut... I already had Adobe Premiere on my other computer. Now I have two different pieces of editing. Well, and we're all going to take like six-month screenwriting classes also.

Yeah. We get that. We get that under our belts. We're doing the screenwriting and we're doing the Meisner acting class. I did last night sit down and log an entire episode of Sweet Valley High and divvied up shot by shot. Nice. I might do something with that. Maybe put myself in an episode of Sweet Valley High.

Sweet Valley High is cool. It's where Jughead and Archie suck each other's dicks or whatever. No. There's a new Archie out where they get their dicks sucked? Yeah. That's the one I'm thinking of. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What is that?

That's not Sweet Valley High. That's Archie. It's called something that sounds a lot like Sweet Valley High. Ridgewood High? Something like that, but it's Archie. Is it Ridgefield? Where does Archie go to high school? Archie Fogdale.

Riverdale. Riverdale High School. We're in the Bronx? No, it's never actually explained where Archie is specifically. Archie gets head. Jughead gets head. There's more evidence that Archie is from New York than anything else, but it's never made clear. Interesting.

Yeah. Well, these are the questions to ponder, everyone. If we got any Archie fans out there, any fans of ham radio, child pornography, it's usually all the same crew. Let us know. Take a break from beating off the CP to let us know the backstory with Archie. Yes. Yeah. No, Archie's had a weird...

He had a black girlfriend in the 70s for the first time. That was big, dude. That was big for civil rights. Archie should be gay now, I think. Archie should just be trans. I think... Isn't he gay? Or is Jughead gay?

One of the main guys is gay now. Jughead's gay now? I think so. They're still making those comics? No, in the show or something in the show or maybe in the comics i thought jughead was a monarch literally cannot make an original idea was what jughead was a monarch yeah that's why he's wearing a crown yeah that was like his that's his minority king in exile right um he's from you know what's funny

though european principality he's basque he's Basque monarchist. What's funny is they still do make every comic. And they just have gone through every idea. Jughead, I think it is in the comics. Batman is like, I don't know, a woman or something. Yeah, I like how Marvel is cashing in on all this. This is what I fucking love. Yeah, there's a lot of games. Those Marvel movies got popular with fucking the big ones like Spider-Man and Batman.

And it took like four years before they're like, yeah, we really have only produced a couple of good ideas, so here's... What was that shitty Seth Rogen with the Green Hornet? Oof. That sucked. Did it suck? Yeah, it sucked.

It was Michelle Gondry who made it. Really? Yeah. I mean, I never saw it. Well, that's how quickly they ran out of fucking comic book shit to draw from. Well, now they got

Black Panther. That actually is probably going to be tight. The show is cool. Which show? The Black Panther show. I never saw it. Yeah, there was an animated

Black Panther show. I would peep that shit. That might be on Netflix. Doctor Strange sucked dick. We talked about that. Ant-Man apparently was good. I don't know. Who cares? They should make Ant-Man, but it's Anthony Cumia. Dr. Strange sucked dick. We talked about that. Ant-Man apparently was good. I don't know. Who cares?

They should make Ant-Man, but it's Anthony Cumia. Yeah. And his power is the N-word. No, his power is a gun. He just has a concealed carry permit. It's a gun and a very detailed knowledge of stand your ground laws state by state. What do you guys? Stand your ground, good by state um what do you guys uh

stand your ground good or bad that's where we're leaving this one yeah tweet at a lot of fun tweet at Nick's

happy valentine's day fuck