The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 41 – Cum Town Live

Episode Date: February 23, 2017

The first ever Cum Town Live show at Caroline’s on Broadway. It’s basically the same format as Funny Moms (the live show we put up on Patreon) except I booked it and it’s at Carolines so we use the name of the podcast instead of the name of Adam’s gay as

Where will Dubai take you now? To see where Dubai takes you now, visit DubaiPresents.com I'm not a foolish guy, don't even feel like drinking Or even getting high, cause all that's gonna do really is accelerate Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Caroline's on Broadway America's premier comedy nightclub in the heart of Times Square It's showtime and we've got a great show for you tonight. So sit back, relax, and get ready to laugh.

That's right folks, we've got a great show for you tonight. Now please put your hands together for the hosts of Come Town, Adam Freedland,pin' Some nigga big gal, yo! Every gal want get peace, tell me Every gal come out, choke up, tell me Every gal come out, choke up, tell me Every gal come out, choke up, tell me Every gal come out, choke up, tell me

Every gal come out, choke up, tell me Every gal come out, choke up, tell me Every gal come out, choke up, tell me Every gal come out, choke up, tell me Every gal come out, choke up, tell me Every gal come out, choke up, tell me Who recognizes this? Yeah? You do? What's his name? You got it. No, it's not. Nah, get out. Get the fuck out of here. You're way too much confidence.

Who? Who? Anybody. It's $600. If you could guess the name, Stav will pay you $600 out of his pocket right now. My own money. His name's... You should tell people. No, you're not allowed to Shazam the song. Uh-oh, hold on.

Right in front of us. Gully Wop, you got it. No, it's not Gully. He doesn't even know the name. It's not Gully Wop. It's Gully Bop. It's Gully Bop. It's Gully Bop.

Yo, Gully Bop's tight. Yeah. Well, the song's called Pussy Specialist, which is a great name for... Official Comptown endorsement for Gully Bop. We found out about him last night after recording nine podcasts in a row. Yeah. And he's our favorite. He was a homeless drug addict that is now Jamaica's most famous singer-songwriter.

When he went viral, somebody recorded him in an alley. Very similar to our story. Homeless drug addicts. Someone recorded in an alley very similar to our story homeless drug addicts someone recorded in an alley and then a radio station played him and then he blew up and then immediately started releasing songs called Pussy Specialist

and they were like whoopsie daisy but he's too powerful now he's the prime minister of Jamaica now do they have a prime minister? what's the government of Jamaica? is it whatever we tell them? whoever the prime minister of Jamaica now. Yeah, right. I think that's how it works. Do they have a prime minister? What's the government of Jamaica? Is it whatever we tell them? Whoever the CIA demands of them. Whoever takes the...

They're like, let's get Gully Bop in there. Let's get the pussy specialist guy in there. No, I think it's whoever can do the biggest bong rip, dude. Yeah, that's cool. You know what I mean? Are any of you guys adult bong rip guys? You guys still do bong rips? Hell yeah, dude.

Don't lie, you motherfuckers. No one rips bangers here? Come on, dude. What's the thing called where you do the dab and then the beer? It's a dab marine, actually, where you smoke a dab, then you drink a 24-ounce. Typically, it's a cate. Hell yeah, dude. I think that's the chillest Mexican vibe that you can bring.

And then you just exhale that shit. And then you exhale it. Adam knows about this. It's this weird YouTube genre of people that do... I don't even know what a dab is. That's past me. So it's wax, right? Yeah, it's a weed concentrate. You do a special type of weed, and then you drink the beer, and then you do the bong rip, right?

And then you exhale all of it. It's not even like smoking weed. It's like doing drugs. You know what I mean? It's like doing real drugs. Well, what I like is that all those videos, it's all guys that, like, clearly have alimony payments. It's a backwards hat, you know? Yeah, of course, yeah.

And a Bob Marley poster in their living room. A Gully Bob poster in their living room. Shouts out to you guys for coming. Thank you. This is the first time our fans have been to Times Square non-ironically. Yeah. Well, sort of ironically. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

To see us, an irony podcast. What? No, we're seriously racist. This is a legitimately good show That we are not surprised People listen to and come to Yeah, this is a surprising turnout It's so good that it's like disappointing

You know, because then There's too much pressure And it's like, well, then you have to be kind of sincere Right? No, probably not I'm just surprised girls are here right now what's up girls what's up who dragged you here yeah your girlfriends right your boyfriends are like yeah I gotta go to this cum thing you're dating stunted men

emotionally so you're all here and you're like not you know the girls that I would expect you're actually good-looking women. Right, you have both eyes. The men are all disasters. Everyone here is bad. I'm always disappointed when blind people don't do two eye patches. Why wouldn't you? That would be awesome.

Of course, yeah. Or the Geordie LaForge thing. That hairband shit. Oh, of course, yeah. Iorge thing That hairband shit Just a headband all the way down When I was in daycare as a kid I would steal girls headbands And pretend to be Which is where you use the power of being a nerd To bully

Who's Geordie LaForge She's the blind guy on Star Trek Shut up You don't watch Star Trek. Shut up, bitch. You don't watch Star Trek. We just watched an episode last night. You watched one episode. I've watched Star Trek. I've seen every single Star Trek movie.

Why are we even talking about this right now? Because I brought it up. I'm sorry. I always kind of want to talk about Star Trek a little bit. That's fine. You guys Star Trek fans? Really? Are you a Star Trek a little bit. That's fine. You guys Star Trek fans? Really? Are you a Star Trek fan?

No, of course not. She's a Gully Bop fan. You're a boyfriend here. What's that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, Gully Bop should be on Star Trek. They should bring, they should make a new Star Trek

where Gully Bop plays Jordi LaForge. And it's the forgetting how to reading rainbow guy. It's a planet where no one pays their child support. That's the Gully Bob planet. Look him up. It's a good joke. We thought we'd be able to talk about Gully Bob for a good

45 minutes. Yeah, the set list today just said Gully Bob, so we ran dry quick as hell. But, you know, what are you going to do? Talk about... Nick, you're leaving? I'm leaving. Adam's leaving, too, to go see his mom who's dying.

That's what's on top of it. Jesus Christ, dude. That's out there. God damn. Well, my family listens to this. My family does not listen to this. My dad tried to listen to it, and he said that it was just

stoner movie recollections. Yeah, that is 75%. That's probably the nicest summation of the podcast you could offer. Yeah, and it was anti-Israel, too. Your dad thinks everything's anti-Israel.

Of course! Yeah, of course. He's accused waiters of being anti-Israel. Of course! Yeah, of course. I mean, he's accused waiters of being anti-Israel. Did that happen for real? Uh, yeah, I think. Actually, once. Yeah. What was the context? We were at a Chili's and, uh... I thought it was maybe Dick's. You know that place Dick's? Oh, yeah. The restaurant where they insult you? The waiter comes out and waits. Who's stepping?

Has anyone been to that place? I saw your dad. I mean, he was like, oh, I got this one. I'm going to earn that tip, dude.

You guys know that restaurant, Dix? It's this restaurant chain, Dix, where the theme is like, the waiter's a fucking asshole,

right? And so you go to the table and be like, hey, nice tits, bitch. You want the mozzarella sticks? Yeah, it's cool. But if you go to the table and be like, hey, nice tits, bitch. You want the mozzarella sticks? Yeah, that's cool. But if you go, there's a couple of them.

And if you go on Yelp, there's always one or two reviews from people that thought they were going to fucking Olive Garden. They called my 12-year-old daughter a fucking whore in training. They put whore in training on a hat and put it on her head. Yeah. A cone-shaped hat.

A dunce hat. We need to bring back the dunce cap. I think that's probably like a Williamsburg thing we can get started. Oh, yeah. Like a legit dunce cap. We should just do a bar called Dunce, and everyone has to face the wall and wear one of those hats. That's the theme. You don't have to give any conversation at all.

That'd be so authentic. That probably already exists, right? They only serve switchel. Switchel and mead. There's a mead place, yeah. In Ridgewood, Queens. I'm not surprised. The Apple Store in Williamsburg sells mead.

The dunce hats, though, they look like the Klan hats, right? They're the same hat? Yeah, well, it's the same concept, really. Oh, okay. You say a bad word in class, you get to become a grand wizard. Did they ever make,

in my fucking school, they made you, like, stand up and look at the wall without the dunce cap? That shit sucked, dude. I hated standing up. And, I fucking,

I was not cool. I had back problems for no reason in particular. Yeah. And, I couldn't think of why, but it really, and it fucking didn't I was not cool I had back problems for no reason in particular yeah and couldn't think of why but it really Mr. Richmond

fuck that dude man he really when you fucked up or just what was the yeah when you fucked up but how would you fuck up that he would make you stand up

I don't know man I would do a good singer you know I would call I made fun of my friend for spelling his name wrong once and then I think I told the story on the podcast.

He just spelled his name. He got a 95 on a spelling test. And it was at a 10. And he got five points off for spelling his name wrong. And that's what I learned about bullying. Like, right then, I was like, you fucking idiot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's weird because teachers wouldn't usually do that.

Yeah, this lady sucked. Ms. Braden King. So I'm just name dropping all my teachers from John Rura Elementary School. Hell Yeah, this lady sucked. Miss Braden King. So I'm just name dropping all my teachers from John Rura Elementary School. Hell yeah, you know it? Do we have any graduates of that school here?

No. Does anyone learn how to spell their name and get the degree from... Where is it? John? John Rura. John Rura?

Rura? That's a fucking hard name to spell. That should be on the test, right folks? Oh. I guess. Did anybody say your school was haunted? They said my school was haunted.

They were like, he was a guy, he killed children. Yeah, yeah. It's like, why would they name a school after a guy who murders children? To get them to stop. That's what I mean. That was his deal. That was the bargain they made. We name the school after you, you have to stop killing these kids.

I was thinking about Nightmare on Elm Street the other day. Like, you know, so Freddy's supposed to be like this ultimate villain or whatever, right? And the story is, is that he was like, like a pedophile that people burned. And then he came back and then he was killing teenagers. And it's like, yeah, he was worse as the pedophile. They still made the right decision killing that guy. I mean, a dead teenager is pretty bad, but it's better than a molested

baby. Yeah, right. So wait a second. Why did he start killing? Why didn't he just fuck in his dreams? Isn't that... Right? Because that would be a pleasure. That would just be a weird sex dream. I couldn't imagine waking up and being like, that's weird. I fucked a Bernie guy with scissor hands.

A weird smelly kid sweater on. That wouldn't affect me at all. I wouldn't be like, that must be revenge for something my parents did. You don't think if you got raped every night for your whole adolescence, that would fuck you up in your dreams? No, I seem fine, I think. I think I turned out okay. Personally. Yeah, I don't know, dude. That's a big fucking plot hole, dude. fine, I think. I think I turned out okay. Personally.

Yeah. I don't know, dude. That's a big fucking plot hole, dude. Yeah, it is. That's all I have, really, is pointing out inconsistencies in movies. What about the other... For like four years,

I was going around... I used to... I quit comedy now because I'd made enough money to not have to do it anymore. But for like years, I was going around doing a bit about that movie Homeward Bound.

Right? A classic. and I just drunkenly completely forgot the plot I was doing this bit like, yeah so the plot is, I'm sure everybody's moved, right? You've moved in your life, have you ever forgotten all three of your pets? You wouldn't do it, especially the ones that talk

and then people would be like, they wouldn't laugh at it and then it took literally four years for someone to be like, yeah, that's not what happens. They don't move, they go on vacation. The animals are confused. And then I continued doing that bit for another six years. Wait, those are some dumbass dogs then, dude. No, they know how to speak. But then wouldn't they understand that it's vacation time?

No, dogs don't go on vacation. They're smart, they're just ignorant to the process of going on vacation. You think that dogs just fucking kick back? Just shit all over the... You know what I mean? Like, isn't that what dogs want to do? Just go fucking buck wild in the house? Yeah, that's what my dog wants to do.

Does your dog shit in the house? No, no, not anymore. Just when it was scared. Adam got like a pit bull, and it's a very sweet dog, but it has to wear a muzzle everywhere. Yeah. Which, that's weird that she still has that in her. Yeah.

I gotta say, older African American women do not like seeing my dog with the muzzle walking down the street. So much so that I get yelled at all the time for having that dog yeah but black people in general don't respect you or people in general yeah face yeah yeah that's not my fault it's their fault for not accepting me for

stealing their neighborhood one time one time we were in a bodega and some lady just comes up to me and called Adam a bitch ass and word. And then she kissed me on the cheek and left. It was awesome. No, I didn't know this woman at all. She just loved me and hated Adam. Sight unseen. It was really cool.

It was actually really funny because right before Sav walked in, she tried to give this guy a hug in the bodega. And he's like, if you pay me $20. And then I gave her a kiss for free. Can you get arrested for that? Is that a type of prostitution? A hug? I feel like it should be more of a crime to sell emotions than it should be sex. Oh, 100%. That's because you don't understand emotions at all. That's because you've never had one

in your life. Is that what the girlfriend experience is? Yeah. I feel like prostitution, that should be fine. Walmart greeter, you should be thrown in prison. in your life. Is that what the girlfriend experience is? Yeah. Yeah? You just have an emotion. Like, I feel like prostitution, that should be fine. Walmart greeter,

you should be thrown in prison. I think your job is to smile at people. Yeah. To fucking lie to them with your face. That's fucked up. I don't like it.

Yeah. Well. What are you doing in Vegas while you're there? Going to the doctor with my mom. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, are you going to gamble?

Like with cards, not with your mother's life. God. We're not going to gamble. We're going to go to a restaurant, maybe, for her birthday. Chili's? Tomorrow? No, we're going to go to a nice restaurant. You're going to go to Dick's.

They're going to go to Dick's. They're like, oh, look at this bitch. What does she got, Parkinson's? You're like, actually, yes, she does. And he's like, oh, it's that family again from before. I'm sorry about all that anti-Semitism stuff. I just really need this job. Oh, fuck.

Thank God we got some yucks out of that, right? Out of that family tragedy. Comedy is the best medicine. That's what it's all about. Because they certainly don't have a cure for that shit. Thank God we got some yucks out of that, right? Out of that family tragedy. Comedy is the best medicine. That's what it's all about. Because they certainly don't have a cure for that shit. So we've got to laugh at her. Comedy's all we have. It's all we have.

It's all we have. Until she gets better. It's true. I read the New England Journal of Medicine. There was an article recently about Parkinson's and they just said a comedy. That's the only... Did you watch Patch Adams? Did Patch Adams save

any of those children? I haven't seen that movie, but isn't that the plot? Is that he's just like really shitty at medicine, but he's like, whoa, I'm a clown. Isn't that funny? He made them giggle their way to their deaths. I love it when that was just like the paper cut ward and he had like a hundred

percent failure rate because he's doing rubber chicken yeah no he and his girlfriend died because he like befriended a crazy guy real sad patch Adams I don't know yeah I started theaters East Point Mall hell yeah I'm just saying stuff from Baltimore and these four guys are gonna be excited as hell you know it's always weird that Coppola did Jack yeah yeah that's strange yeah I don't have anything funny to say about that at all but I always weirded me out yeah then he wrote so many great movies and then he was like let's do a thing

where a man-child farts inside of a coffee can and passes around with his friends. All right, we got to start the show because our first comic

has to get out of here right after this. Sorry, you're waving at us. No, he's great. We want you to see him. What a fucking good ass,

professional ass and cool guy. I don't, time is important. Okay, everyone. Hey. Oh, wow. There we go.

Seriously, though. Our first comic... Thank you so much for coming, guys. And our first comic is great. One of my favorites. I've been nude in a room with this man so many times. Please, a big round of applause for Matteo Lane, everybody! Hi everyone, how are you?

Obviously, okay. Everyone hates me already. Hi, I'm gay, obviously. No question. Too many mic stands. Give it up for Comptown, everyone. Very funny. Yeah, I remember Homeward Bound.

What a horror. You know, the problem in Homeward... Do you guys remember Homeward Bound? The problem in that movie is Shadow. He's just like an old, senile fuck. That the rest of those idiots... And first of all, he... I think that he wanted... What's the cat's name?

No, not Sally Field. I mean, that's the woman who played her. First of all, let me just say this. I saw Babe first with her mouth, like, moved. And then I saw Homeward Bound. And, you know, their mouths don't move. They're just talking. So for, like, 15 minutes, my stupid, like, 7-year-old self is like,

who the fuck is talking right now? It's just dogs writing buttons right now. Sassy. Her name was Sassy. Yeah. Sassy. He wanted Sassy dead. There was like that scene where like she fell over that waterfall and literally it was the equivalent of Shadow just like looking over being like, well, she's gone. Let's go. It's like, Shadow!

You know. What a fucking old piece of shit. I hated Shadow's relationship with Peter. Like what a weird like, right? It was like Peter was like, oh, drawing Shadow at relationship with Peter. What a weird... Peter was drawing Shadow at his school desk. Why was he at his school desk? Wasn't that a vacation? What a dumb movie. Stupid.

Stupid, stupid film. Hi, I'm gay. Obviously. Is anyone else gay here or just me? Yes. Hey. Alright. Thank you. Okay. Well, it's just us two Welcome

Did you have fun in middle school? You did have fun in middle school? Get out of here you piece of shit If you had a good time in middle school Just get up and get out Because you're not a good person now I hate in middle school Here's the thing

Don't make fun of kids Especially like everyone's like don't make fun of kids Like especially like baron trump. That's the thing now. It's like don't make fun of baron trump because he's a kid It's like fine I won't but also like if I can think of one time in my life that people were the meanest to me it was middle School like I okay My name is Mateo Lane and my biggest fear is that everyone's gonna call me like Mateo lame. You're so lame That was my I was just so horrified. Thank God they didn't. They just skipped straight to faggot,

so I was like, I fooled them. It was horrible. I hated sex ed. That was the worst class ever. Okay, so my teacher, his name was Mr. Full. I don't want to say it. Hopefully he's dead. But the sex ed was horrible

I'm from Chicago so everyone in my class is just a piece of shit and what he would do I'm not saying he's homophobic but he would have these giant posters of the vagina and the male anatomy and then he would point to only the male butthole and literally scream at 6th graders and go this is an exit sign only!

This has nothing to do with reproductive. I should have stood up and been like, then I fail. Who has the time? This is such a shitty class. We do, okay, so like in the class, Mr. Full had, I don't want to say his real name because it's being recorded, so I've been saying it for the past couple weeks. I'm like, whoa. But he, okay, so we had an anonymous question box because

there was no Google back then. Just 101 free minutes of AOL.com. So what he would do is have this question box. If you had a question for him, he would answer the question. And of course, we just filled it up with like thousands of questions that were wildly inappropriate they were all about mr. full and his wife it was all like mr. fold you we don't know anything about sex was like

mr. full do you touch your wife's tit you know whatever so like a bunch of those you know and the box for some reason had the Little Mermaid on it I don't know why but that's a memory of mine, which is kind of, and all of them. Oh, another rumor about Mr. Full is that he didn't have any semen because he drank Mountain Dew. Does anybody remember that rumor? Right? Remember that stupid rumor? And what was, like, yellow five or something was the ingredient? So stupid that he didn't have any semen. Well, I love, too, that sixth grade boys were all like, I can't drink Mountain Dew, man. I've got to save my sperm. For what? Your sock later?

Like, what are you talking about? So, anyway, Mr. Foltz, we had this anonymous question box, and so we filled it up literally with hundreds of questions that were all wildly inappropriate. And just, he should have known, because there's only 26 kids in the class and about 110 questions, and we're all in the back of the class like, answer the question box.

So he would go up and literally read the questions like this. He'd be like, all right, let's see the question box. Mr. Wool, have you and your wife, I'm not answering that. Mr. Wool, have you ever, I'm not answering that. So every single one. So the one question he decided to answer, which it blows my mind to this day, that he thought that that obviously was a fake question.

Like, I don't know why he's, okay, does he just, I'm, all right, I'm just going to say what it was. He goes, he takes the question, he goes, I believe that's a fair question. This person wants to know what snowballing is. So, Knight of Odyssey, if you don't know what snowballing is, clap. Just Knight of Odyssey. I want to know.

Alright. Wow, there's a lot of gross people in here. Okay. So this is what he says. Sixth graders. Keep in mind, sixth graders. You tell me if you think this is appropriate. Snowballing is when a man ejaculates into a woman's mouth and she spits it

back in his mouth. Sixth grade. And of course, I'm an impressionable 6th grader so I'm just walking around thinking my parents and teachers are all spitting cum into each other's mouths except for Mr. Fool, he drinks Mountain Dew oh god well here we are

I uh, I don't know I just I hate dating that's such a hacky thing for comics to talk about, but with gays it's even worse, because all we have is Grindr, which is a gay dating app. It's like a step above tapping underneath a bathroom stall. And, you know, Pokemon Go, that's it.

Those are our options. I'm really, really... The thing is, I feel like I'm a person who should be in... I'm too crazy when I date. Is anyone else a crazy dater here? I'm an intense human being when I date, and no one's raising their hand. You're all just mild.

Fuck you. All right, so I am. The thing is, I think it's an ethnic thing. It's an origin thing. It's of my Italian genes. I should not be dating with people who aren't... Okay, I am like... It's like an iguana. I should be in a desert on a rock. Instead, I'm in a fucking tank in some kid's room in Montana where there's snow

everywhere. Let me explain. So I was, so I, dating in America sucks, so I went to Italy. I have a lot of family in Italy, and I was in Rome, and I was on Tinder just swiping no to everybody. And I found this one guy Francesco so we matched and oh by the way in Italy the men that look so gay that I passed were straight that's a problem

I look like I'm crushing pussy in Italy and the word for gay in Italian is just gay with an Italian accent it's just gay that's it if you're Italian you know this I matched with Francesco with an Italian accent. It's just gay. That's it. If you're Italian, you know this. Okay, so I matched with Francesco, and

he wasn't out of the closet, so the whole date kind of felt like a drug deal, because he was like, meet me at this place at this time. I'm like, okay. So I went to this place, and I saw him. He was literally standing in a shadow. And I was just like, Francesco? He's like, come on!

So we ran, and in one hour, the date was one hour, full opera. Like, every emotion you could feel, I felt it in one hour with this guy. Immediately we started arguing with each other because he's not out of the closet. So I'm just screaming at him, like, and he's just like,

and then we immediately start making out. And while we were making out, like, he'd never done this before, so he started yelling at him. Like, he broke. Like, he, like, started screaming at himself. He, like, pushed me away.

And he was like, Francesca, what are you doing? My dating in America is so much different where it's just like oh so you have a brother that's interesting I need to go but I have to say

you guys have been a wonderful audience and give it up for Stavros and come town but I sorry I'm sorry I have to go so early

I'm such a piece of shit I have to go perform for other drunks bye everyone have a good night Shadow's an asshole I'm sorry I have to go so early. I'm such a piece of shit. I have to go perform for other drunks. Bye, everyone. Have a good night. Shadow's an asshole. Mateo Lane, huh?

My man fills out a sweatshirt nice, huh? That is a sexy boy right there. Guys, we're going to keep the show rolling. Seriously, the show's our favorites. This next comic, a good friend of mine, super funny. She's been on Comedy Central. Big round of applause for Sarah Tolomache, everybody. Let her hear it.

Oh, my goodness. Hi, guys. Very cool. That's cool. Feel the love in guys. Alright, cool. That's cool. Feel the love in here. That's good. I did my taxes today. Have you guys done that yet?

That's cool. Oh, cool. You're on it. That's good. I did it. I hate doing them. I feel like the hardest part about doing your taxes is like getting all that paperwork together and then like organizing it so you can just put it in an envelope and mail it to your dad so he can do it for you. It's like, who has the time for that? I'm just thinking about going to H&R Block and then see if they'll mail it to my dad for me. I'm like, you guys are closer than the post office. I have been hanging out with my dad a lot lately.

He's getting old. Actually, he is old. He's not getting old. He's right there. You can tell, though, because he's getting forgetful. Like, I went shopping with him, and he ended up, he accidentally left my sister and I in the car we were fine though because we were in our 30s I was like dad if we were babies we would have died you know instead we just like watch YouTube videos and roll down the

window babies can't do that because they're stupid stupid babies yeah he's uh he also can't hear well and uh which is annoying because a lot of times when I'm hanging out with him I'm just yelling and repeating small talk which is frustrating it's so stupid like I was with him the other day and I was I just said uh oh it looks like uh they cut the shrubs out here pretty short and he's like what did you say I was like you want me to repeat that I didn't even want to say it in the first place everybody thinks I'm so passionate about these shrubs outside like why'm like, why are they so short? Let's get on that.

It's so annoying. I watched that documentary on Netflix, Minimalists, I guess. Is that what it's called? I think that's what it's called. Have you guys seen it? Oh, cool. Are you doing it?

No. Oh, but you're all by yourself, though. That's pretty minimal. That's nice. You're doing it. You don't realize you're doing it. That's awesome. I did it. It's cool.

It's where you throw away a lot of stuff that you don't need. So I did it this weekend. It's really liberating. After a while, I was like, what else in my boyfriend's stuff can I throw out? So cool. It's really easy. You just like, what you're supposed to do is you just pick up one of his objects

and then you ask yourself, does this bring me joy? And if it doesn't, you just toss it. So no more Xbox. It's cool. I'm making progress. We're down to three iPhone chargers. That's good. Yeah. I did Uber Pool recently.

Have you guys done that? Oh, just a few? Cool. I did it by accident, though. I didn't realize I pressed the pool part on the app, so the driver came and picked me up, and then he went to go pick up another person, so I thought I was getting murdered, and I still didn't say anything I was just in the backseat like um never mind I don't want to be a bother during my murder

I was like what was the other option Fight for my life and then be wrong? That's so embarrassing. We were like, sorry for scratching your eyes out. I'll just give you five stars. Seems even. It's pretty good. I just got my cable and my IUD installed. It was a bundle package.

Time Warner's doing some really great things these days. So I have like 100 channels and zero babies. Yeah, it's pretty good. I actually did get an IUD. I did no research getting it. I just walked into Planned Parenthood and I was like, what are all the girls getting? I was like, that sounds great the girls getting? I was like, that sounds great. Let's put that in my vagina for seven years. I don't even know what it looks like. It could be a Lego piece in there falling out. Just like a little Lego man hanging around. It's like, nope. Everything is awesome. I think I did more research buying a cell phone

Than I did getting an IUD And those only last two years And you don't stick those in your pussy So I don't know what I was thinking It was so bad Yeah I got the 7 year I asked for the 20 year And they were like we don't even make that

I was like you should-year, and they're like, we don't even make that. I was like, you should. Just set it and forget it. It would be pretty cool. I don't know how it works. Does it stop working on the night of the seventh year? What does it do? Text you when it's done? I have no fucking clue.

It's so weird. But, yeah, I got the seven year and then I guess when the seven years is up they like take it out and then I open it up and look at all the stuff that I put inside of it I'm like oh look at all these memories I'm not even friends anymore so cool it's a cool time capsule but I got a well women's exam beforehand

if you guys don't know what that is it's where female comics go for materials sometimes a lot of times when you go there they ask you questions about your sexual health and one of the questions they asked me was how often do I give myself a breast exam and I don't really just because I have small breasts you know like I'd see it I'd be like oh shit I have cancer

if these are heavy I should get a bra like I know my inventory pretty well I'm never like oh no there's more breasts back there that I forgot about but I didn't want them to know that I was that careless, so I thought the appropriate response was every day. Guys, I overshot it. I thought I was like flossing. Let you floss and then check your breasts every day. But then I was like, what girl doesn't touch her breasts at least once a day right ladies

you're the only two in the front row oh yeah you too cool right you touch them every now and like right later you touch them um no like sometimes they get itchy especially when we're coming into some money you know that's the same um, but they're like these Ridiculous looking flesh mounds on her chest Like they're silly Of course we're going to touch them You know what I mean? They're kind of like our balls in a way, I guess Like guys touch their balls all the time

They're like our one ridiculous item on our body, I guess Guys are just fortunate Because they can just keep their balls in their pants Like sometimes I feel like that's why guys don't take women seriously is because we have tits on our chest. Like, if guys had balls on their

chest, we would be like, that's a really dumb idea, Ted. You need to go back to your cubicle and rethink what you said out here. Stop wearing tight shirts to work. It's crazy. Remember, are you guys from New York?

Alright, nice. That sounds right. So you've seen people cry in public a lot, right? Yeah, that's our favorite thing. You've seen somebody cry in public before? Yeah, like probably once today yeah oh no that was too much information no that's fine i'm that's all i do up here is just tell you lots of personal stuff um that's very no it's like when the weather gets nice we just go outside and cry here no it's crazy. I've only seen

women cry. Like, I've never seen guys cry in public, but I have seen guys masturbate in public before, which I think is y'all's crying. Same outcome. You're just tired and you feel good afterwards. I guess because we don't have cars to cry in or masturbate in. So we just do it outside. I saw a girl crying on the train the other day and I felt so bad for her. Like I wanted to go up to her and like teach her how to cry on the inside. Like I feel like you learn that as you get older. Like I'm crying right now. Can you guys tell? you learn that as you get older. Like, I'm crying right now. Can you guys tell?

It's like a lot. Mainly because I'm in debt. I have a little bit of debt. Not a lot. Just like enough where I think about it all day long. Do you guys have that debt? One time I did get out of debt, and then I was like, now what?

You know, like now I have nothing to live for anymore. I just put myself back into debt again. Life is good. Gold, you know. Like if you pay your debt off, that's great. But if you don't and then die, like that's pretty great too.

That's the plan I'm on right now. It's called the fuck it plan. It's where you just like buy whatever you want and then you just die. Make sure you die though. That's the most important part of this plan. Alright guys, you've been real great. Enjoy the rest of the show.

Thank you. Let's hear it for Countdown. One more time for Sarah Tolenbaugh! Thank you! We're going to keep this thing rolling. Our next guest tonight is the host of the Legion of Skanks podcast on the Gas digital network he is a real-ass dude and he is also a someone that was such a fan of our invention the nickname the Puerto Rican rattlesnake adopted it as his own moniker.

Everyone, please put your hands together for Luis J. Gomez. Oh, there we go. Give it up for that Jewish kid. Come on, guys. What a fucking day guys Hanging out in cum town That doesn't sound good right This sounds kind of gay

Alright so I'll tell you guys a little bit about me I got a little boy at home he's four years old He won't stop crying I found him in Central Park And um Yeah but uh Yeah he's hot you know what I'm gonna do? Yeah, I'm a pedophile. That's my thing.

I don't know if you guys know anything about my act, but, yeah, I'm the only openly pedophile comedian. That's kind of my shtick. You didn't go to my website? It's like everything that I do is, like, talking about fucking hot kids, so... Love those hot kids. Boys and girls. I don't discriminate, really.

I'm going to be honest. Tight. No matter what way you break it down. Tight. Am I right, miss? Am I right, miss? Good.

All right. No, I'm kidding. I'm a dad. I shouldn't be, obviously. They should take him away after that joke. I'm a dad. I got a be, obviously. They should take him away after that joke. I'm a dad. I got a four-year-old son. Are there any parents in this crowd? No?

All young people. One dude in the back. It's all right, man. It sucks having kids. It's fine. Don't do it. Don't do it. It's hard. It really is hard. Change your perspective on everything. Let me ask the gentleman a question. Just the guys. What's more important, a young woman, a beautiful face or a hot body? What are you guys saying?

Face. Body. All do you guys say? Face. Body. All the young guys say body, right? They're like, put a fucking bag over her head, bro. Face down, ass up, motherfucker. Very immature. Very immature young guys. I say face, and I'll tell you why, because you've got to think about this. If you're with a woman,

you might have a baby with her one day. If you have a baby with this woman, you want to make sure your baby has a cute face. Nobody cares about your baby has a cute face. Nobody cares about your baby's body. Nobody's like, my baby's got a whatever face, but his body is fucking sick. No, you gotta see this baby's body. It's out of control.

He takes his shirt off, he's got pecs, abs, he's got that V-cut thing right there where his diaper diaper really low Just shredded This baby My son is really cute Keeping with the pedophile theme

My son's really cute My son's so cute it's uncomfortable when people bring their average looking babies around us Because you've got to pretend That they're all the same cuteness I want to be honest Get your gross fucking baby away from mine Bring it down to property value they're all the same cuteness, you know? I want to be honest. I want to be like, yo, get your gross fucking baby away from mine. Bring it down to property value.

My son's so cute that if he did get molested, I would be really upset, but I'd still have to be like, okay, that pedophile had great taste in babies. Undeniable. Undeniable how good his taste in babies was. Like, he should go to prison, but he should also have to choose the Gerber baby from his cell every year.

Because that would be a waste of talent if he did not do that. He's the dude. Guys, you listen to a podcast named Calm Town. Loosen the fuck up, okay? What is going on here? Yeah, man, it is.

It is hard. It is hard having kids. The hardest thing I've had to deal with so far Is watching my son get bullied My son is the sweetest kid you'll ever meet Wouldn't harm a fly Such a sweet kid We were at the park the other day Playing with his favorite ball This little girl comes up to him

She pushed him She took his ball He started crying And I went up to tell him I was like, James You're four years old You can do it with anything Punch her right in the fucking stomach

And take your ball back You got a small window Where you're allowed to hit a girl I say take advantage of it You know what I'm saying? Because they're going to cut you off eventually, right miss? What do you think the age is that they cut you off from hitting girls? What do you say?

28? I say no, 6, that's the year, right? 6 is the last year you're allowed to hit a girl You see a 7 year old hitting a girl He's going to be a dick for the rest of his life He's going to join the lacrosse team in high school He's going to spend a weekend at Coachella He's going to join the lacrosse team in high school. He's going to spend a weekend at Coachella. He's going to get a job in finance. That kid fucking sucks. Nobody

wants that little wolf of Wall Street, right? And what do you do when your kid's bullied? I started watching the UFC with him. People think I'm crazy because he's four and I'm watching cage fighting with him. But I'm like, fuck that. My son's not getting bullied by girls anymore, you know? And I was watching the fights with him a few weeks ago. He's on my lap. His mom took a video of us watching the fights. She posted it to her Facebook. One of her friends posted a comment underneath the video. She's like, oh my God, I can't believe you let your son watch that violent sport. I was like, let him? He's four years old. I fucking make him. Are you crazy?

He has no say in this. I hold his head right up to the fucking TV set. I hold his eyeballs open like Clockwork Orange. Burning violent images into his brain. Creating a warrior. Give me two more years, I'm going to go over to her house and have my son beat the shit out of her husband in front of her kids just to prove her point.

I'm going to ground and pound her husband on her front lawn while I videotape it and yell, Worldstar. Love the UFC. You guys watch UFC? It's my fucking favorite sport, man. It's the only sport in the world that's changed the way that men walk around. You know? It's changed the world.

You know? Because now you don't know who knows MMA. There's an MMA gym in every city in this country. So you can't judge a book by its cover. You look at their shitty ears. You're like, let me see your ears, bro. What's going on with that college flyer right here, you know?

Like, sorry, you look pretty physically weak, but I don't know you, you know? I see you. I'm like, okay, there's Waldo. He's not going to do shit. He's, uh, you know, I, uh, but I can't judge you like that. You might be like a jiu-jitsu guy. I don't know, you know? I mean, you're completely wrong, but...

I'm wrong that you're tough or I'm wrong that you're... wrong, but... All right. I'm wrong that you're tough, or I'm wrong that you're... You're tough. No, I know. I was kidding. I know you're not. It's a joke. It's a fucking comedy club.

We know. You're not... I can tell. But you know what you gotta do? You should try to, like, change your style. At least disguise yourself a little bit. Get one of those tap-out T-shirts

with some flames on it. You're like, all right, I'm not gonna fuck with that guy. His shirt says tap out right on it, right? Getting a flinching shirt with a dragon across the shoulder. You're like, this guy either knows MMA or he loves Game of Thrones. Either way, he's a badass. I take it a step

further. You know what I do? I wear a karate uniform. I carry a trophy. That's how I walk the streets. Full karate gi second place trophy. Yeah, second place because then they're like, alright, that has to be a real trophy. Why would you have a fake second place trophy yeah second place because then they're like alright that has to be a real trophy

why would you have a fake second place trophy right maybe I'm too high for this crowd I don't know I did just get high in the green room

are we allowed to do that no we're not right they don't work me at this club they can't ban me from a club they don't work me at right just take my can't ban me from a club they don't work me at, right? Just take my dick out, smack the straw in the face with it.

Go on, let's go. What are you going to do? They're arresting me, fucking tasing me. You cannot sexually assault people in a club you don't work at just because you don't work at that club. You psychopath. It's hard, man. Me and my son's mother,

we broke up, so we're co-parenting. They call it co-parenting. And that's fine. We're both dating other people, which is always tough. I think I'm dealing with the worst end of the deal, though,

because she started dating a black guy right after me, and that's really bothering me. Is that racist? Do you guys think that's racist? Because it's not, and I'm going to tell you why. Because it has nothing to do with the color of his skin

It's all insecurity It's his big black cock, I can't get it out of my head It's killing me inside It's probably killing her inside too, to be honest If you want to break it down from a scientific standpoint It's not that my dick is small It's just that my dick has nothing to write home about I don't know who's writing home about their dicks

But Probably black guys I'm gonna read that letter, right? Dear moms You should see my dick, it's dope I got the fattest dick on the block I don't know, it was a black guy in 1991 apparently See my dick it's dope! I got the fattest dick on the block! I don't know, it was a black guy in 1991 apparently.

My dick's the m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-mack! My dick is not huge, ladies. I know you were wondering. And this dude. I know, uh, it's not big, it's not huge. I remember the first time I saw a huge dick, it was the first time that I saw a porno. remember the first time I saw a huge dick. It was the first time that I saw a porno. Remember the first time I saw a porno? I was in the fifth grade, so that big porn cock,

I got excited. I was like, fuck yeah, I'm gonna have that one day. And I waited. Fifth grade, sixth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade. It wasn't until like the 11th grade that I realized I wasn't gonna have a huge cock. I was like, fuck, I gotta develop a personality stat. I've been being a fucking asshole to everybody for the past 10 years of my life,

thinking I'm going to grow a huge dick. You will burn a lot of bridges when you think you're going to grow a huge cock, right? That's why trust fund kids act that way. You don't need friends if you've got a huge cock. You know that saying, man's best friend is his dog? The first guy who said that had a small cock. You had a big cock, that's your best friend. I would treat him like my dog, too.

I'd be like, come on, boy, let's go pick up some bitches. Some of these jokes you're not going to laugh at. That's okay. That's okay. That's okay. I'll tell you guys a couple more things. Racism. Let's okay. That's okay. I'll take a couple more things. Racism. Let's get into the issues, guys,

because this is a 98.9% white crowd. It's a pretty white crowd, guys. That's why as soon as you start mentioning racial shit, you guys got all fucking tight. The black guy was loving it. I talked about his big black cock. He was like, ah, it's fucking true. I do about his big black cock is like all the white people were nervous they're like I was gonna happen is this guy this guy

just big black cock and start attacking everybody what's happening relax white people it's okay it's fucking this we can only laugh about it we're not laughing about racial issues, we're fucking part of the problem, right? So that's it. Come on, everyone, say the N-word. Ready? One, two, come on, three. Fucking pussies. Clap your hands if sometimes you're even a little bit racist. There we go. Finally some honesty out of this crowd.

Listen to me. All white people are a little bit racist sometimes. All black people are a little bit racist sometimes. I know this because I'm Puerto Rican. And all white people and all black people are both very comfortable being racist against each other in front of Latinos. Because you both think we're on your side, you know? Just want to know a secret? Latinos hate both of you motherfuckers.

I hate white people and I hate black people. And that's Latino privilege. Because when the race war hits, we get to just wait to see who's winning and then choose that side. Be like, ah, white power. I was with these guys the whole time. All right. And obviously, I'm just kidding.

White people are not going to win the race war. Have you guys seen the Olympics? You're fucked. You guys can't win a race, much less the race war. I think racism is kind of funny, man. I don't know, man. Do you guys think Trump is racist? You do, right?

Yeah. Everyone thinks Trump is racist. You know what? You're right, he is. He's a 70-year-old billionaire. Of course he is. Have you met any 70-year-old from any social class that's not a little bit racist?

You don't think that Trump isn't fucking racist? I just commend him for not saying the N-word any time the camera's on him. Oh my God, good job, Trump. You didn't fucking let one spill out fucking racist? I just commend him for not saying the N-word any time the camera's on him. I'm like, good job, Trump. You didn't fucking let one spill out this time. Good for you, buddy. Old people, do you guys give them more room to be racist than younger people, like grandparents?

You do, right? So fucking ease off of Trump. He's a fucking grandpa. He's doing the best he can. He's out there. He's hiring black people He's fucking shaking hands With Muslims

What do you expect The guy to do? That's way more progressive Than your fucking Piece of shit grandma Okay? Your grandma would not Touch a Muslim

I promise you Okay? Definitely not Like my grandma Was the sweetest woman on earth It wouldn't homophobic But she said some racist shit I grew up in Rockland County

New York Which is right outside of the city. I don't know if you guys know where that's at. But there's a little, you know, Rockland, all right, back me up on this then, okay? There's a little stretch along Route 59 that goes from Spring Valley to Muncie. Now, in Spring Valley, it's all Haitians. In Muncie, it's all Hasidic Jews, okay? So my grandma, I remember when I was learning how to drive,

she would chime in with these little racist tips, okay? And that's when everyone's racism comes out. When the windows are rolled up, road rage kicks in. Yeah, we're all a little racist behind the wheel of a car, okay? And my grandma, she was just trying to protect me, okay? It was old school, okay? So I remember, she was like, when you're driving through Spring Valley,

you gotta be careful, because these Haitians, they're gonna try to steal your car, okay? Lock your doors, roll up your windows, don't even stop at red lights, just boom, go straight through. Take the ticket, it's not worth your life. And you know why she said this? Because they have pirate blood.

She thought that all Haitian people moved to the United States on pirate ships. This is an old woman, though, you know? But then she said you've got to be even more careful. Once you go down Route 59, once you get into Muncie, the Hasidic Jews, this is a quote, while they look safer than the Haitians, they're not.

Because what the Hasidic Jews will do is they'll wait until you're driving by. Then they'll push their baby strollers in front of your car so you hit their babies so they can sue you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's a real lesson that my grandmother told me when I was 16 years old. That Haitian people have fireblood

and that Jews are willing to sacrifice their babies for a lawsuit. It's fucked up. I know it's fucked up, okay? But you want to know the most fucked up part about that story?

It wasn't actually my grandmother. It was my mom. But when I told the joke it was my mom People were like what the fuck your mom can't say shit like that And it wasn't even more fucked up about that It wasn't actually my mom It's me I'm telling you right now You gotta rot in the county

These fucking Jews and Haitians they're everywhere guys So be careful is what I'm saying Alright thank you good night Nick Marlowe Original Puerto Rican Rattlesnake Careful is what I'm saying. All right, thank you. Good night. Nick Moland, original Puerto Rican Rattlesnake. The two Puerto Rican rattlesnakes. I like when people get to find out who actually elected Trump.

You have this mental image in your head of some old right guy. It's like, no, it's a trucker hat Puerto Rican that forces his child to cage fight. That's very... That's pretty mild racism for a grandma. I have a white

grandfather who excels at racism. And the most racist shit I've ever heard in my life is he one time referred to black people as the Negroid Contingency. I don't know what either of those words mean. They didn't teach, that was science they were teaching in 1820. I don't know how you fucking learned that.

I guess. Lewis, the MMA guy. No one in here voted for Trump, right? Not even as a joke? It's fucked up. I don't even know how to talk about it. It's like all these comedians are like, well, this is going to be great for comedy.

It's like, first of all, it's pretty fucking selfish. And, you know, racism by itself was already good for comedy. We didn't need a president as well to do it. So I don't really know. The only break I get now is to just give myself context. And what I find really funny is to think back to

just about this time last year. Almost exactly. It was early March last year. And remember how mad people were about that stupid gorilla that died. You remember that? How fucking upset people were about that stupid gorilla that died. You remember that? How fucking upset people were about that gorilla, Harambe, that died?

People were like, a dead gorilla? 2016 is over. It's not going to get any worse than this. It's like, yeah, just wait five minutes, you piece of shit. How much would you give to have that gorilla back now to be able to personally shoot it in the face? If it meant the rest of the year just disappeared immediately. I would do it.

I would kill that. I would do it with a fucking toothpick. I would do it slowly and painfully. Full disclosure too, I was also 100% on board with shooting that gorilla when it happened. This wasn't in retrospect. I was like, yeah, kill the gorilla, of course. Especially when I found out a little boy fell in his cage.

That sealed the deal for me. You already sold me with gorilla. I thought basically any... Gorillas, chimpanzees for sure, orangutans, baboons get a pass, especially the ones that got, you know the baboons that have like face paint built in? How the fuck that happened? That it figured out how to grow face paint?

Those are cool. Any monkey with a tail is fine. I just don't like the ones that look that much like people. Like gorillas and chimps and orangutans. Because I feel like if you look that much like a human being, you shouldn't get to be nude all

the time. They should put fucking clothes on them. A hat at least, or maybe some suspenders. I don't understand why. Because it's not even the genitals thing, because we actually have much bigger dicks than them, which is probably why they're so dumb.

A gorilla has a pretty embarrassing dick. They have much nicer bodies than us, and they're also smart enough to know that they should be... Some gorillas know sign language. I will never learn sign language in my entire life. That makes the gorilla smarter than me. So, you know, and if you can sign, I love you, while I can see your dick,

that's a sexual assault. That's a crime. You know? And you should shoot the gorilla on that ground alone. That should be cause enough to fucking ice that gorilla immediately. First of all, I was stoked when that story happened to find out that they keep guns at the zoo in case shit gets real. That the fucking zoo was secretly very exciting and not just bullshit about learning. You remember when they would trick you into learning something as a kid? Like you'd watch an edutainment show.

You're like, yeah, Arthur's pretty cool. And they're like, actually, this is how science works. And you're like, fuck off! You did shit. I don't want to learn anything. That's what the zoo was. Then people really thought that there would be, like one of the zookeepers would be, you know,

fucking loading the gun with a tear going down his face. And then there would be another guy at the zoo that's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. Let's see how this plays out. Oh, whoops, whoopsie daisy. Fuck, yeah, that boy's dead. I'm sorry, that's on me. I don't even work here.

I was looking for the bathroom. You should lock that door. Basically anyone with cargo shorts can just walk wherever they want in the fucking zoo. That's the outfit. I feel like the guy that shot, it must have been an Australian guy, right?

They're experts at that. You can become a national treasure in Australia if you put on boys' shorts and harass animals. That's their chief export. It's those guys, I guess. I don't know. The other fun story last year was the... Did you guys see the big Hitler story last year?

You get one... There's somehow... There's guys out there that are like, well, it looks like everybody's done all the other history. I guess I'm just going to be a Hitler guy

and learn something new about Hitler. For like 10 years there, you could get on the bestseller list by just writing a new expose about Hitler,

you know? Like 10 years ago, it was like, Hitler was actually gay because people still thought that was bad then. So you could do that. That was fun. And, it was like, Hitler was actually gay. Because people still thought that was bad then. So you could do that. That was fun.

And then it became like, yeah, I found a letter from a teacher that said he was actually an idiot or whatever. But the big story, the big Hitler story last year was that Hitler had a micro-penis. Which, by the way, does not mean that it was hooked up to computers, as I initially thought. It's something different. I thought it was a tech thing I was like oh no wonder we gave all their scientists jobs immediately after the war it's genius I have to bring my phone into the bathroom bit play Candy Crush while I shit he's got it on his phone no so micro penis to look it up, which is pretty funny. I had to look that up.

Micropenis means very small penis, right? Which is like sort of a weird story to publish that about Hitler, right? Because I don't know why you, what's the goal there, right? To hurt Hitler's feelings.

But Hitler's been dead. Everyone knows. He died in Argentina in 1972. So you're not going to hurt Hitler's feelings now, right? To hurt Hitler's feelings. But Hitler's been dead. Everyone knows he died in Argentina in 1972. So you're not going to hurt Hitler's feelings now, right? The tone of that article is forget everything you thought you knew about Big Dick Hitler. I've got bad news for you. Yeah, I bet

you don't respect that guy anymore. You thought he was cool. You know, the Holocaust was pretty bad but Big Dick, so you've got to listen to him, I guess. No, all you're doing with that story is singling out the most insecure group of men in the entire world, the micropenis guys. And you're like, guys, we've got breaking news.

And they're like, is it a cure? You're like, no, not at all. No, you're just Hitler now also So, you know, enjoy that, I guess You can borrow a shirt to wear into the pool if you want I'm going to be cured today Because that's the one You can't be a micro-penis guy, right?

All the progress that people have made with body positivity That's still the one you just you just can't fucking like if you had like a body positivity party right where you get like the whole crew together right and then the music's bumping and the fucking lights are going right and they're like we're like we're gonna go around the room and everybody do their thing right and so it's somebody that's like fat guy and he was like yeah you know somebody that's like I'm crippled and they're like yeah he's the best dancer he's better than everybody everybody we're all gonna learn dances from him you know you guys like oh they're like

let a DJ he's the one it's the ones and twos we'll put him on it right and then a guy's like look at my dick look at it like oh fuck shut the party down the party get fuck everyone go home please get away from the doritos with your fucking weird dick it's for everybody yes sorry you're gonna have to wait you're gonna the micro penis guys now they thought maybe it'll be like you know 10 years, maybe micropenis will be accepted. Now they have to wait until people forget about Hitler. Not going to happen, I guess. So another story about a fucked up law

North Carolina passed. A lot of people are like, which one? Because they do that a lot. They passed a law that says that trans people can't use public restrooms, which is fucked up. I'm not going to pander. I'm sure everybody agrees with that, right?

And we know that if you live in New York because you can't ban people from public restrooms. They'll find a way, right? You know? We tried to do that here with homeless people. We tried to keep them out. And now the whole fucking city smells like shit. So make the bathroom off limits. Now your whole city's a

bathroom. Good job. But that story piqued my interest because then all these artists and companies started boycotting North Carolina. And the last company I saw to boycott North Carolina was Cirque du Soleil. Like they thought that would work. Cirque du Soleil is like,

this will stop them. This will make them change their mind. Like there's going to be some bigoted North Carolina lawmaker that's like, cuz, we have to have an emergency session. We lost Cirque du Soleil. Yeah, you guys know Cirque du Soleil? The French mom clowns that wear latex

and kiss each other in the air. Yeah, they use ribbons to do parkour on each other's assholes. They're not coming here anymore. Like Cirque du Soleil is what they think trans people are doing in those bathrooms. It's a problem. It's like, they're in there, they got a lion, they don't even abuse it. Like a good Christian circus. You guys don't know that. Is anyone from the South? Anyone? Are you familiar with the thing that, like, they just get, like, lions and tigers and do these, like, I guess, these weird type of Christians.

They go around and just abuse big cats. I didn't know. I lived in Texas for a couple years, and there was, like, a place that was just selling a tiger. And my friend was like, yeah, I guess Christians just abuse... I don't know why I even went on that fucking tangent I'm gonna bring up your next

comic co-hosts the show keep it going for Stavros how Hey, alright, have a nice hand for Nick, everybody. My boy. Guys, thank you so much for coming out. So nice to be here. Let's get into it. Let me tell you what's going on with me, gang. I've been here, I've been in New York about a year now.

I moved to a city where I can't afford the food. I walk everywhere and I'm getting fatter somehow. I don't know how that's possible, but boy am I figuring it out, you guys. I think it has a lot to do with halal cart, honestly. You know? You guys fuck with halal? I'm living like an 85% halal carb diet at this point in my life. Which is a real big issue, you guys. Because I'm pretty sure the amount of time you cook meat should never be until somebody buys it. What? That's not a cook time, you guys.

That's not on any recipe does it say cook time indefinitely. I go back a lot. It's tough because I'm an emotional eater. You know I use food as drugs. But I also use drugs as drugs. You know? Like you shouldn't be able to eat a whole pizza just high on cocaine. but I'm five for five so far. Power through every time. I don't know. My drinking's bad too. I've been getting real drunk recently, but I've been getting a special kind of drunk. I've been getting, well, looks like I'm not friends with those people anymore,

drunk. You know that kind? Where you're drafting an apology email the next day and you're like, no I'll just never see these people again, that'll be so much easier. If you're gonna drink, here's my advice, right? Drink with drunk people, right? Because drunk people remember things exactly the same way you do, right? You're reminiscing the next day with your drunk bros, it's awesome. It's like, dude last night was crazy. You fought that midget? And then you hooked up with the hottest girl I've ever seen Right? That same story with a sober person is just

Hey, man, you hit a kid Yeah, you slapped a child and then you just kissed a lamp for like 20 minutes. It was very strange behavior. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I gotta lose weight. I feel like I have to lose weight. Mostly, thank you, I appreciate that.

But I don't know, man. I'm tired of being fetishized. You know? Not sexually, platonically, you know? Because, like, people look at me and they're like, oh, yeah, that's a big fat party animal friend. Right? I don't, I'm more than that, you guys. You think I just want to wear

Hawaiian shirts? No. You think I only want to do cannonballs? No. I want to do other dives, you guys. I can't. People expect a certain thing from me. I don't know.

I don't know what to do about it. I also, but, I don't know. The weight loss isn't going good, but some other things in my life are pretty cool. My cousin recently came out of the closet, which I thought was pretty great. Yeah, no, it made me really happy. Thank you.

Yeah. It made me really happy, you know, for two reasons. Number one, I was really proud of her. You know, like, that takes a lot of guts to do. And number two, now I get her half of our grandparents' inheritance money. So, like, that's a fun bonus. No, just a joke joke We're never going to tell our grandparents We're just going to run out the clock On that one But it is crazy how homophobic Some people still are in this day and age

Like I went to the gay pride parade With my cousin and a friend of mine And my friend said something I couldn't believe He was like, I don't get it dude What do gay guys see in other guys? They're hairy and they don't have boobs. And I couldn't believe the backwards way he was looking at it because everybody knows it's not that gay men are attracted to other men.

It's that their parents sinned a long time ago. God is punishing them with a gay child? Duh! Read the Bible every once in a while. It's right in there. I want to say chapter three, but I'm not positive. So that joke went fine here, you know, but it has bombed big time, guys.

One time a lady came over and told that joke, and she was like, you can't say that. That's blasphemous. You're going to hell. Right? But she said it like it was a threat. You know what I mean? But like, if really religious people write about hell,

hell is probably a pretty sweet place. Right? Number one, no prudes in hell. We're talking second date. Tops. It's going down in hell. Right? Right?

Also, very tastefully decorated. Right? Because of all the gay people. Right? You know how tacky heaven probably is? Just a bunch of Bud Lightmirrors and moose heads everywhere. Thanks. Send me to hell.

I don't know. Thank you guys for coming again. I gotta say, we mentioned up top, but a lot of very pretty women here tonight. Fellows, do you ever see like a really pretty girl and think to yourself, oh man, the ways.

The ways I would sexually disappoint her Anybody else? No, just me I'm going through some self-esteem stuff I'll be honest, guys My girlfriend, for the last year She's been doing this thing Where she exclusively dates other people And I think that's pretty rude of her.

Yeah, I'm going through a breakup, and it sucks. Honestly, I don't know. The worst part about it is I realized I deserved it. You know, I was a bad boyfriend. Here's how you know you were a bad boyfriend. While you're getting broken up with, yeah, in the moment, you're sad, but in the back of your head you're thinking hey

good for her she's gonna turn her life around now this was what she needed I don't know what to do now guys you know I'm single for the first time in a while I'm up against a lot when it comes to being single I feel like everyone's online dating right anybody here doing it? Yeah? How's it going? Good. What do you use? All of them.

I mean, cast a wide net. You know what I'm saying? Who cares what we bring back? I'll fuck it. I'll tell you that much. I use Tinder, and you know, I really like Tinder because I always assumed a lot of women didn't want to fuck me, but now I know. You know what I mean?

Like now, 80 women a day pass. Yeah, I don't know. I hate all forms of modern dating. I hate sexting. Every time I'm sexting, I feel like a politician running for office. You know what I'm saying? I'm making a lot of promises that deep down, I know I can't deliver on. I hate dick pics. Dick pics are out there now.

I don't want to be judged by my out-of-context dick, you guys. That's why here's what I've been doing to combat this issue. I've been making scaled-down versions of everyday items. I just have a half-sized remote at home, you know what I mean? Hey, hey, pretty big, right? Pretty big compared to this

normal remote. I'm not even holding it, I have a doll hand holding it. You know what I mean? Perspective, you guys. I don't know. I guess my biggest issue is I'm just not good at being, like, I'm not good at the places single people go to meet.

You know, like, I'm not good in bars. I'm not good at clubs. No one's ever wanted to fuck me while Kesha was playing. And look, ladies, I'll level with you. Let's say we hit it off, and you come back with me. The sex isn't going gonna be that great. But the breakfast? Huh?

What do you like, crepes? We'll go crepes. Throw some Nutella on those motherfuckers. Right? Avocados if you're nasty. And then who do you want to cuddle with? Some guy with his dumb abs poking you? You can feel his bones? This is a no-bones situation.

It's very comfortable. And look, this last one's a little graphic. But who do you think's really eating pussy? You think it's the guy with the aerobic stamina to fuck all night? Or is it me, right? That's a very low impact activity. I can just sort of

lay down, not get winded. Right? So that's my pitch. I don't know what you're up to, but fuck.

Has this been stuck? God damn it. That was probably so distracting. I was trying to tape this set to show someone, and this has probably been fucking teetering the whole time. God damn it, I'm such a piece of shit.

Well, that's my set. All right, guys. Well, god damn, I am... I am so annoyed at how that ended. But what are you going to do, right? We've got some more great show for you. And coming up next, one of our favorites, our little come boy. Give it up for Adam Friedland, everybody.

Good night! Alright. Stop. I thought you were fucking this up because you were fat, but, uh, it's hard. Okay.

One more time for, uh, Stavros Alkis, everyone. It's funny. It's funny because, comics, we're all like, we act like we're friends but we're all naturally competitive with one another, but Stav is like the only friend of mine

that I actively root for because heart disease is really rooting against him so I just want him to get on Carson before... Okay. I witnessed a miracle recently.

Anyone seen a miracle? Thanks. Thanks. I witnessed a real life miracle. It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my entire life. I work in Midtown. I work at an all-women's divorce law firm. I'm the only man there. There's a men's restroom. It's the only place I can be alone in New York City.

I hate my fucking life I was at Panda Express outside my office arguing with my mom on the phone and I saw something probably the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my entire life I saw an old Chinese man in Panda Express, one, that's weird

what are you doing at a Panda Express 1. That's weird. What are you doing at Panda Express? It's a bastardization of your cuisine. Why are you there, you old Chinese man in Door Explorer t-shirt? I saw an old Chinese man holding his phone out

and shazamming Hey Yeah by OutKast. I cried. I cried. I openly wept. I cry all the time in public. I fucking cried. It was one of the most beautiful things

I've ever seen in my life. It's like one of those moments where you know I'm never going to see anything that great again. I get, you get three of them. I think you get three perfect moments. I got that old Chinese man in the Dory the Explorer t-shirt, and then I got, oh yeah, one time my friend's brother sent me weed from Oregon, and I got the weed in the mail, and I asked my friend, what's it called? He's like, my brother didn't give me a name.

So I said, I looked at it, I said, I'm going to call it Death Star, because it's circular and dense. And then he texts my friend an hour later, he said, it's called Death Star. And I fucking ran through a wall. I Kool-Aid man through a wall. And then I don't know what the third thing is. I found an eighth. I found an eighth on the ground one time

when I was 19 years old. It's pathetic that two of the most lucky things to ever happen to me are weed related, but that's my fucking life. I'm 30 years old i have uh 40 or sorry 40 i have 60 000 in undergraduate student debt from a college that is a fake college it's called the george washington university of washington d.c fuck off off. It is a real estate scam with a college base on top of it. I went there.

Basically, it's a place where rich people can send their failure children, fail sons. Yeah, choppo. Yeah, cool. It's where you can send your fail sons for $60,000 a year to get an education in Washington, D.C. It has a similar name to Georgetown, but it is not as good of a university. I went there. It was shocking. I was a scholarship kid.

They gave me $40,000 a year and I was like, I'm fucking rich. I'm going to go to D.C. It sounds like Georgetown. George Washingtonhington that's the first president wow that's incredible i'm gonna go there i'm gonna get a great education this is gonna be incredible and i got there and it was just all just kids with their parents american express black cards and they were just like do you go clubbing and i'm like i'm a boy i don't i don't go clubbing i am a boy and they're like i've been clubbing and I'm like I'm a boy I don't I don't go clubbing I am a boy they're like I've been clubbing since I was 12 years old I was like what the fuck is

your life where are you coming from I went to a dance club with some of these fucking fuck boys that I went to college with one time I just put on a stripy shirt you know this kind of thing and it fucking loafers. And we went to the dance club. And there was a fucking Iranian man, you know, with a velvet rope. And this guy just like paid him off. Some fucking kid that I went to,

a boy that I went to college with. And he paid him off and he brought us to a private bottle service table and it was the most pathetic experience in the world it was a club of adults and then a section where there was a table a Chuck E. Cheese section

where there were just boys dancing on the couch to Benny Banassi I was like what the fuck is this right now this should be against the rules we are children we are children and thankfully most of their parents lost a lot of money in the 2008 recession

thank you for the applause thank you for the applause I deserve applause for every joke. I've lived in New York for two years. I came here to follow my comedy dreams. Fuck. Yeah, it sucked. I used to do comedy in D.C.

and I was like the glasses Jew. I was like the one. I was the the glasses Jew. I was like the one. I was the one glasses Jew. And I got here and there were like just 75 other versions of me. They were all named Adam Friedland. I don't know how that's possible. And they were like,

we had the same argument with our parents. We moved to New York and we want to follow our dreams. And I'm like, oh, fuck. Fuck. I'm spitting. I'm sorry, ma, fuck. Fuck. I'm spitting. I'm sorry, ma'am. It's fine.

Okay. All right. I moved here. I had a rough time moving here. I had a really tough, tough break before I moved here. I was dating a girl. We lived together. We had a whole life together.

We had a cat and an apartment. And then she started getting DJing lessons from my best friend. And they're married now. They got married to each other, they fell in love. Behind the ones and twos. It's so romantic, guys. It was probably one of the most romantic love stories I can think of. A DJing love story.

Love in this club, Miramax Pictures 2001. Their hearts beating at a perfect 4-4 pace in unison. It's pathetic to know that I'm a plot complication in a DJing love story. That's what my life has amounted to. It's the most important thing that I've done, really, was get cucked by a DJ. I was very depressed when I moved here. I used to have these panic attacks and I'd wake up at like 6 a.m. and I remember how miserable my life was that I had no job and no prospects in comedy and no woman would love me and so I'd wake up and I'd have these panic attacks and one morning I had a panic attack that I hadn't had a vegetable in nine months

since my girlfriend left me for my DJ best friend, right? So I freaked out. And I went to Key Food in Bushwick. And I got every single vegetable I could find, right? And I was just making fucking smoothies all day and salads. And I tried to eat nine months worth of vegetables in one day. So that night,

that night, Nick and I were at a comedy show. It was like the third comedy show that I'd been to that night that they told me I was not allowed to perform at. I was very sad. I was waiting for the G train. And those nine months of vegetables just needed to exit my body really badly.

And I was just pacing around the platform of the G train. I was like, please don't poop your pants. Just please, do not shit your pants. You're 27 years old. Just don't shit your pants in public. I was walking around, and a train came. I saw the train approaching. I was at the end of the platform and it stopped two and a half miles away from me on the platform.

I ran after it and the doors closed and I wait another hour for another G train. I finally, when I got on the, on my way home to Bushwick, I sat down, and about five minutes later, I pooped. I cocked. I pooed in my pants. Okay? Crap. I shit myself. I shit myself, and I was wearing shorts.

I was wearing shorts on the train, and I had wet vegetable poo in my pants, and I was just elevating my pants so that the turds wouldn't fall out of my shorts. And there was this old nurse, and she saw me, and she smelled it. And she was clearly just off of an eight-hour shift. She smelled the shit, and she was like, oh, fuck, no. I was the smelly guy on the car. I was that guy. Anyway, I get back to Bushwick

and there's just shit falling out of my shorts onto the street. So much so that when someone the next day would see crap on the street, they'd be like, someone needs to pick up after their dog. But it was a man. It was a sad man.

Anyway, I get back to my block and it was summertime and some kids on my block had popped a fire hydrant. Classic. Classic New York. Right? Popped a fire hydrant. It was so hot. They were playing outside. Just like in the movies. Right? So cool. so authentic.

So I made the executive decision, because I had shit down my legs, that I was going to drop my shorts and my underpants, with my dick just flapping in the wind. I was going to just put... There was no one out. It was 3 a.m. I was just going to place my asshole on top of the geysering fire hydrant, right? So as to clean the shit out of my fucking ass

and then go back to my apartment. Anyway. The second my ass touched the water, three Puerto Rican boys on bikes rolled up. And they saw me just squatting there, just looking sad and confused. And they looked at me, and they were like, oh, fuck, oh, hell no. They're like, you gay as shit, man. I was like, I'm not gay. I'm just new to the city.

I'm new. I'm not gay. Is that my time? Yeah, I think that's my time. I think that's my time, everyone. I'm going to bring up my co-host. This is Scott. Thank you so much for coming out.

Thank you, everybody. Thanks, gang. Jeff Fun. Honestly, guys, this is like, there's no irony. This is serious. This is surpassed. Holy shit. You guys listened to our

thing? Wow. Yo, real quick though. Shout out to my man with the Raven's hat on. I see you, dog. Thank you so much. Dude, Ray Rice, not guilty. Y'all got to feel it. Yeah, Ray Rice was framed yoga to feel yeah Ray Rice was framed you yeah he was afraid and my cousin worked at that elevator yeah y'all y'all ain't seen him real tape show them through it there were some rural tape that's my favorite she called it my

favorite that all characters the guy that worked in the elevator worker yeah yeah they still have those here. Bellhops? Yeah, like fancy hotels. No, I mean, there's freight elevator guys. Who are the most miserable people in the fucking world. Really? Yeah, the local 91286 fucking freight elevator operator.

Because they have to just listen to Jewish women talk about their couches. I've got to bring my couch over there. It's a very expensive couch. Jose, what's your name? Yeah, anyway. Sorry. Wow, dude, that was pretty anti-Semitic. Yeah, I felt a lot of, well, fuck Jewish people.

How else are they supposed to get the couch in the building, dude? Yeah, dude. I guess you don't like couches? You just want to fucking sit on chairs? Listen, guys. Chairs aren't comfortable. To Stav, a couch is a chair. I had a lot of confidence.

He's leaving. He's back. I will not stand for that shit. Yo, anyway, I felt confidence from my set, and then I just went with that. That riff, yeah, that riff bombed. It's all rich, yeah. It's all bombed. But, yeah, okay.

You're not going to have every joke we compiled a clip show from the show so we're going to put one bit everybody's bit you're going to hear Lewis beating his kid again yeah how fucked is that kid Lewis is gone we can all laugh we can all laugh at Lewis

the UFC fucking rules dude I know you guys don't like it because you're not strong like I think I am. The UFC is fucking awesome. Yeah, that's the guy we make fun of. The Puerto Rican Rallies. He's a funny guy, but he's serious. He earnestly wears tap-out shirts.

Which I don't understand how you do. The hubris of a tap-out shirt. The most incredible thing is that you take one class One adult karate class And then you get the shirt that says I'm ready to fight anyone The most incredible thing about Lewis

Is that he's never watched football He's not into any sports Because other sports have like rules And a concept Other sports aren't just reminding him of childhood Basically NASCAR, what's that stand for? What's a car? and a concept behind it. Other sports aren't just reminding him of his childhood, basically. NASCAR, what's that stand for? What's a car? I don't understand.

What's a ball? Why are the balls shaped different? Oh, two people punching each other in the face. Perfect. That makes sense to me. Well, we want to make fun of our friend Mateo's gay. You saw that? You saw that shit? Nice. Yeah. You saw that shit?

Yeah. I was like going to the gym for like... What are you asking them if they saw? You saw that shit? We're all chewing gum right now. Is that cool guys? Yeah. Well I was intimidated by Lewis, so I needed to take it up a notch.

So gum is tap-out shirts of the mouth. Well, I don't feel bad making fun of Lewis because apparently on his last podcast, he pulled up a picture of me, and he's like, yeah, he looks like a chewing, kike, chewing. I was like, oh, that's creative.

It's creative. I want to get, you know, there's a What's that? Adam, beat him up. Yeah, right now we're challenging Louis. Adam, Louis in the octagon. Me and Nick

will be in the corner. There's this guy, Mickey Gall, that does Legion of Skanks. He's actually a pretty cool guy. He's a UFC fighter. He's a real fighter, yeah. And Louis keeps challenging him to fights in Legion. And they keep taping the fights.

And he's like, I'll fucking kick his ass next time, dude. So he will absolutely fight you. Well, he's not in my weight class. I've been sick for 13 days. Yeah, that's it. I weigh about 134 pounds right now.

We'll give you a weighted vest. No, we should do wire fighting like Crouching Tiger where you get a wire and Lewis doesn't. So you can swoop in. As a policy, guys, I'm always wearing a wire. Fucking snitch, dude.

I really want to get Lewis into it. Are you wearing a wire, dude? Check his... You're wearing a fucking wire! I want to get Lewis into's a sport that's called They call me big pussy free plan That's not why we call you that How's that?

I cut you off Three or four times I'm so excited to mention chess boxing Which is a thing I found online where you play a round of chess and then you punch each other in the face. Is that what Wu-Tang talks about? Yeah.

Well, there's no space or weed element, but yeah. Kung fu. Chess boxing. So I want to be like a chess boxing guy and instead of a tap-out shirt, I just get like a tribal tattoo, an old English tattoo directly on my brain that just says checkmate time the tough chess boxing guy if the three come boys ever got an octagon to

fight we would just end up having sex with each other like we finally be free let's set up whatever we need to get that the rules are first blood that's who first come whoever comes first wins

that's always we do that what is it icky bicky where you all come on the biscuit but stop keeps eating

the biscuit we're supposed to beat off first it's like you know how I am around grands I can't help myself I need the

carbo fuel to beat off you know what I mean can't I can't help myself I need the carbo fuel to beat off Can't beat off on an empty stomach I don't know if we We mentioned this on the podcast, the LMFAO thing Oh yeah Now that one's just blatantly homophobe No, it's ironic

It's ironic, but it would be funny If there were three guys that Enjoyed cum, those kind of guys, that went into a... Mateo and two of his pals that also look like Mateo. Me and Saf. He went into a sperm bank and while that song, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shots, shots, shots. You know, and they're like arm in arm. That's their sketch. Doing this, doing the fucking... Yeah, that's one of the sketches we're going to film. I have like a Word document with shit like that

written in it from like 2006. And I'm like, yeah, I'm going to write sketches for myself. We should do a viral dance video. I've been talking about it. What do you guys think, huh? Let's do them. The other sperm bank I need.

I don't know how to dance. I'm sorry. Dabs and shit? We'll figure it out, but... thing huh? I was doing just the fucking whip dude. I don't know how to dance I'm sorry. Dabs and shit? We'll figure it out but I want to do like a hidden camera show where it's

you shoot it you somehow shoot it inside the lobby of the sperm bank right? Okay. Facing out to the

parking lot you know and then you have a guy pull up in a car and he just gets out of the driver's seat with this giant bucket he gets like a foot away from the door and trips

it was all over the window and then that's the and that's the show but then you do it that's every prank so the next time it's a pizza restaurant it's just a really good coincidence the first time that it makes sense. And then season two he has a giant cell phone that he's screaming into, but he's also got the bucket of coffee.

And then we saw it to SNL because at the end he goes, Donald Trump, no thanks. Well, yeah, that is Donald Trump, no thanks. Well, that is Donald Trump, no thanks, guys. P.U., folks. Tune in next week. Thanks for coming. All your money is going to Bernie Sanders for the last election.

We're going to give it to him for the last election that's over. A lot of people don't know this. He never had a bar mitzvah. So we're raising money for the Bernie bar that's over but a lot of people don't know this he never had a bar mitzvah so we're raising money for the bernie bar mitzvah i'd love to go to bernie's bar DJ'd by adam's ex girlfriend yeah she's got giant fake sunglasses on no cat in the hat hat you know oh hell yeah this is a bunch of like jewish parody songs You guys know how bar mitzvahs work. Yeah, I want to be one of the... Do you remember at bar mitzvahs?

I don't know how many Jews are here. Do you remember the motivational dancers at bar mitzvahs? What? Yeah. Motivational dancers? Yeah, they'd have the DJ and they'd have two hot girls. Dancing Tony Robbins? Is that supposed to be for motivation?

Yeah. Well, these 13-year-olds want to kill themselves. Yeah, it was to help them. To help the boys. To help the boys. I don't know. To get it popping? Yeah, that's where I learned how to grind dance

at Bar and Bond Misfits. I just used to fucking cum my pants. Every fucking... Rebecca Goldstein just fucking riding her child pussy on my thing and that's that's my understanding

of a bar mitzvah that's what I think is in the Torah that's what's in the Torah I tell people and that's what I post online yeah so

but yeah no you guys are great we're that's the shit what's that real quick the Red Sea parts but it's come

yeah it comes back well thanks that's the show. What's that? Real quick, the Red Sea parts, but it's come. Yeah, it comes back. Well, thanks. That's the end, guys. Just wanted to sneak that one in there. One last thing. If you guys on Monday are in Brooklyn, we're doing another show.

The three of us are going to be doing another show. Come on, everybody. We do it once a month, the fourth Monday of every month. You got a lot. Maybe some of you have been to it before.

Thanks a lot. You guys are fucking sick. You're the best. Thanks, guys.