The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 43 – The REAL Original Cum Boys

Episode Date: March 9, 2017

My blood brother Jake Flores joins us to talk about how Adam and Stav replaced him as my best friend after he decided to move to Bushwick to be cool and fuck bike girls

Hello. Bonjour, bonsoir. Bonsoir, that's French for nice pussy. Je m'appelle Maurice. I am a gay French clown. That's that Jerry Lewis movie. He plays the gay clown. Yeah, the gay clown. That molests the children in Auschwitz.

To save them from the Holocaust. What a fucking idiot. You know what's so funny about that movie? It's like, that's totally the movie that I would write if I had the undeserved career that Jerry Lewis had. In the fuck, he just attached himself to Dean Martin and pretended to be retarded. That was his character. I have too many chromosomes. I'm retarded. And then he tried to make a fucking Mel Brooks movie.

Yeah, exactly. And they had to hide it from the world. It was more of a tightly kept secret than the Holocaust itself. Is that Jerry Lewis movie? What was it called? The Day the Laughter Died. Apparently it's unwatchable. The Library of Congress is releasing it.

How dare he take the title of the best comedy album ever recorded? Six million people came to watch. No, it's The Day comedy album ever recorded? Yeah. The Day the Laughter Came From. No, it's The Day the Laughter Cried. Is it The Day the Laughter Cried? Yeah. Jake had a good one. By the way, Jake Flores in the cut. Jake Flores, which, interestingly enough, one of the original, original comeboys.

Yeah, what happened? A lot of people don't know this, but the original comeboys was me, Jake Flores, and Blake Midget. Oh. Yeah. And then Adam and stav got added on when i'd stopped you know wanting to go to williamsburg to hang out so we rewrote the it was the reboot they really missed out on this patreon shit yeah yeah they don't let you there's no new accounts allowed now no one else is allowed to sign up um and you know what? Honestly, if Blake converted

the amount of money he makes in free cocaine from people to actual cash value, he's making like $87 million a month. Oh, but come on. Doesn't Blake fuck too? Is he back in Texas or is he in New York?

No, he lives here. His dog moved to Texas. His dog moved to Texas? Yeah, it did. What the fuck? His dog was living in Texas for like two years he's like he's like I'm finally getting my dog back man it's like stop pretending like you give a shit about that dog deadbeat dog his dog he took his dog. He was wearing a wife beater and smoking a spliff. He's like, one of these days I'm going to get to see my dog again.

I love that dog. I remember I used to go over to his apartment and the dog would just be eating its own shit in the corner. And he'd be like, Yossarian, no. Yossarian, stop it. I bought a DVD. I've been teaching it all these combat tactics. Well, Joe Statz used to have that dog training DVD. You remember that?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he would show people. All those guys thought they were really... Yeah, Joe would offer to, like, break people's dogs for them. What a fucking psychopath. Yeah, yeah. We'd be, like, sitting out on the porch smoking cigarettes.

This dog would, like, lick someone's beard. He'd be like, hold on the porch smoking cigarettes. This dog would lick someone's beard. He'd be like, hold on, watch this, and just choke slam it. Like, what the fuck? No, no, you're supposed to do that. How they know that you're dominant. Yeah, you kill your dog, it's going to know that you beat it in a fight. Hold on, this is what you do. He takes out a gun and just shoots the dog in the thigh.

That's how you do it. You have to put a little bit of your cum in her food So she knows your scent That's how you become a dominant alpha Yeah That's what we've been doing to Adam Yeah, I learned how to train dogs from the movie Red Dragon He was tattooing himself in his office and shit Yeah, remember that?

There was that day where he had me remove his stitches. Yeah. He didn't want to go back to the hospital. Who were you talking about? My old room. We both lived in them. Joe Stats. Yeah, so you guys go back to Austin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the listeners, Jake and Nick are Austin boys. Yeah, so, yeah, like Joe didn't want to go back to the hospital to have his stitches taken out, so he just had me do it in his office. With, like, a scissor? Why you of all people? You were the most trustworthy.

I was his roommate. Yeah, actually, kind of. He was just walking around. Wait, 23-year-old, drunk as hell, you was the most responsible one? I don't think he let me do it drunk, but yeah. I think you were drunk. You were probably dressed like Joseph Mengele or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You looked like you had the most medical experience. I did. I think there was a picture. I wore like a painter's mask and then I made like one of those doctor's things for your head with like the reflective... Oh, yeah. What was that? I think it's a reflect light

because they didn't have lights. It's a bounce. They didn't have like a headlamp? No, they didn't. Actually, if you spin it, it's for mind control. Yeah. Isn't that what the guy did in the doctor in the Phantom Tollbooth? I don't know. I don't understand that. Is that a book?

It's a book that was also a movie. Oh, yeah. The doldrums are in it. Yeah, something. So there's a dog that's got a clock in his stomach. There's a boy. It's kind of like a little prince. It's about Milo Yanoff. It's about Milo Yiannopoulos

it's about Milo Yiannopoulos yeah it's what's going on in his head did you hear he came out and was like I think it's actually perfectly normal

and not pedophilia to have a relationship between an older man and a 13 year old boy what? yeah he's like especially in the

homosexual community what? there are very important beautiful relationships that could be founded that, yes, do board on sexual. Yeah. What the fuck? Really? Yeah, he was like, first of all, pedophilia. Look, this plant's getting its dick hard.

Pedophilia is defined as... There's marshmallows? Is that where marshmallows come from? It's mushrooms from this is hilarious usually Adam's the one who's distracted by I don't know he's doing this incredibly

inaccurate Milo impression I like how Milo sounds like C-3PO that's pretty cool hold on is he into fucking boys though we're kind of

bearing the lead his argument is that pedophilia is C-3PO called C-3 year olds he beat me to it I was going to say C-P-3-O. I was going to go suck three-year-olds.

Those are all good. Those are all good options. Anyway, his argument is that pedophilia is actually attraction to a child that doesn't have sexual function. So at 13, once you have sexual function, that's not actually pedophilia. So it's a febophilia. Is that what it's called? Yeah.

Febophilia? Making fun of people who know the distinction between a febophilia and pedophilia is like a big joke online, but you have to know the difference to make the joke. Right, right. Yeah, what is it? A feba?

It's actually technically referred to as Saturday Night Fever. Yeah. That's what Travolta is. He's got a real bad case of it. He just tries to jack off those massage therapists. It's when you can only fuck kids when it's not a school night. That's what a Fibophilia is. I'm fucking kids over here.

No, a Fibophilia is like What would be considered normal Up until like 1920 Which is to fuck teenagers Which is yeah You're like a 30 year old man That's marrying a 14 year old girl Oh nice Yeah

Well that's normal Dude that's the prime dude Jerry Lee Lewis did it He married his 14 year old cousin Cousin Yeah Is he Great balls of fire

No he's the same guy as Jerry Lewis. Yeah. He did Funny Faces. Everyone used to fuck children, dude. Back in the day like the hottest woman

was just like the young the first one to get tits I guess. Yeah, dude. Kings would just fuck. What we talked about in the other episode

is Julie Gartland being molested by those munchkins. Yeah, yeah. You know? There's nothing wrong with that in 1939. Would you like to be jerked off by a midget, Jake? Blake midget.

Yeah, by Blake midget. So you're saying if I do this, I get my dog back? Yeah. The best part is when you tell them them i don't know where your dog is my argument is that it would probably make your dick look big as hell yeah you know because he got little hands yeah yeah but yeah i mean if you don't have a small dick then what's the benefit of that just that for everyone you know we you know everyone's probably here's got a nice size dick that we don't have to dwell on and ask specifics.

People always say that. Like, oh, it makes my dick look huge. No, it makes your dick look like it's fucking a child. It's just a small hand on a dick. Thank you, Jake. Thank you for... But just imagine it's a regular person's hand and your dick is the size of, like, a baseball bat. Wouldn't that be cool?

I don't know. Then you're just a giant person then in that case yeah why wouldn't you just why would you just skip the hands and stick your dick next to their dick now we're talking if you're worried about the size of your dick why don't you just pair up with a guy with a really small dick now i think we now i think we're actually on is that a fetish in the gay community? Like a guy with a huge dick? Here's the answer to your question, and this is outside of the context of this. If the question is, is that a fetish in the gay community? The answer is almost always yes. Probably.

You think they rub dicks? One guy with a big ass dick rubs his dick against a little guy? Yeah, it's called frotting. No, frotting isn't... I guess that is frotting. Yeah. What is it called when you just rub up against people on the train? That's Japanese.

That's called politeness. That's called a New York minute. It's called show time. What if those kids pulled their dicks out midway through and they're just upside down beating off? They catch the hat on it and shit. The hat part is what throws me. There was this fucking video that was going around

like a year and a half ago that was like the NYPD is trying to crack down on this and it was a video of Showtime and all these people that don't live in New York were like this is so fucked up, this is racist or whatever and it's like yeah you don't live here it's super fucking annoying. I got kicked.

I got kicked by Showtime. They fucking demand money to all do the same dance, which isn't even dancing, it's just pull-ups. Yeah. So you can do pull-ups. Are you just mad they're stronger than you? No, I can do pull-ups. They're stronger than you.

I'm stronger than you. Is that why you're mad? No, I'm not. Is that why you're interjecting and ruining it? You need to be on my side here against the Showtime people. I like the Showtime guys. Anyhow, if you don't fucking live here, you don't get to comment on it. I don't know.

It's kind of cool. It's annoying as fuck, but there's still a small part of me that looks at it and is like, wow. Good for those kids. They're pretty cool. Keeping them off the street. They like dancing. I guarantee you could do that shit if you thought dancing was cool. I guarantee you.

That's where dancing goes to. Dancing is cool, dude. You would spend... Yard is cool. Those guys have to spend $900 a month for those lessons. Holy shit.

Why doesn't someone monetize Showtime? You know how obnoxious that would be? Oh, yeah. Like the Showtime workout? There's some Williamsburg guy that, like,

fucking turned Showtime classic... He, like, got old subway cars and installed them in old black churches all around Bed-Stuy. He bought out the churches from under them, kicked everyone out.

This is a very New York regional subject we're talking about right now. They should just start a restaurant called Showtime Pizza where the robots do it for you. Hell yeah, dude. That would be awesome. Problem solved, you know? Yeah. Yeah, I don't get it because there are three elements of the show time to me one is the pole work the second is like the stationary break dancing yes and then the third

is like doing hat flipping tricks yeah and shoes sometimes is it shoes also yeah it'd be great if there was a guy that could make his like pants fall down but then come back up without touching them. Whoa. That would be incredible. With a slide whistle. Yeah. A slide whistle. I would empty out my room. It's describing a clown. Yeah.

And then maybe they'd all get in like a one car, a little ass car, but eight of them would go in and you'd be like, how'd they do that? And he gives you a balloon and then he leaves. You know? On my train, on the G, in the mornings, on the way to work, there's a bonda guys. They're like three Mexicanican dudes g for gay yeah yeah okay yes yes i'm on board with that i agree with her you live off the g too no i don't dude i in fact i take ubers everywhere so you don't have to ride the g yeah that's how

scary gay train no that's uh no that's how impervious I am to being called gay. I've never stepped foot on that train. Impervious to being called gay. That's your superpower, isn't it? He's got imperviousness to being called a homosexual. I ride the A train for has sex with girls. I have to take the... Excuse me.

I have to take the L to the G to the Q to the B to the T to get to work. My sub-dicks at work. Yeah, I ride the F to the A to the G pretty much every day. Yeah, I ride the T to the I to the T to the T to the I to the E to the S train. Okay, there's no T. Yeah, you're bad at this game. Just ride twice. Get off and then get back i'd get on those trains

i have to ride the uh 9 to 11 train this is like the worst battle rap yeah yeah this is the cypher dude you're in the circle now yeah we move quick around here hip-hop started hip-hop started. I was taking a train to Times Square on Christmas Eve to go to fucking Red Lobster. Hell yes. Yes, dude. Hell mother fuck. I love everything about what you just said. Lobster.

Remember when we did that video with Cubis where we had to eat all those shrimp? Yeah. Wait, which one? We had three of those yeah there was like there's a guy in austin that makes videos and he's like we're gonna take chris cubis to austin or to red lobster and see how many shrimp he can eat as like a video and so we sat there and we did it it came out okay by the way it came out okay but chris finishes eating and he eats like 112 or 120 shrimp or something and then fucking at the end of it like the waiter

is like oh are you doing like the challenge see how many you can eat and he was like yeah he's like yeah we had like a 12 year old that did like 400 two days ago and chris's numbers were just atrocious that's texas for you remember like all the shit we did four years ago or eight years ago or whatever that now like now in this post Trump world we're all like okay everything I'm doing is a benefit for you know the cause and shit. Yeah. I think like it's so embarrassing in comparison. Everything I do now is a

benefit for the cause. Definitely. This podcast is a benefit. We don't see a dime. All the money goes to some woman with huge breasts that are filled with cancer i thought you should say candy yeah uh we found the the woman with the biggest tits who has breast cancer yeah because those are the most important ones to say it's tragic

yeah she's from syria she's save the titties i only started caring about cancer when titties got involved well it was funny. There was pushback against that kind of branding of breast cancer research. They're like, you don't need to sexualize women in fighting cancer. And it's like, oh, okay, I'll just keep my $20 then. You can either have me on board on my terms. Dance for this fucking money, bitch. Yeah.

That's a good point. You're trying to raise money. You shouldn't really nitpick. It is weird, though, when bros are like, yo, shave titties. And it's like, my grandmother could die.

Yeah, it's dumb, but to like the pushback against that, it's money fucking talks, dude. That's not what the pushback is. Yes, it is. No, it's not. Yes, it is, you fucking idiot.

No, the pushback is that Susan G. Komen like copyrighted the Cause, or For the Cure. You're talking about a completely separate issue. Yeah, that's a different pushback. Yeah, that's true. Susan G. Komen sucks my dick. Don't they only do like 7%, like 8% or whatever? And they don't take before pictures.

Yeah, yeah. That's the big complaint about Susan G. Komen. You see all this pink stuff, and you think that they're, you know, taking a bunch of before pictures of the breasts and that's why you donate to them. Not a chance. But they're not. Most of that money

goes to women who have small breasts. Instead of the ones who just... Come on. Come on. Who gives a shit? Oh, fuck.

Jake, you were saying something. Yeah, you were going to Red Lobster on Christmas? Oh, I got a, you were saying something. Yeah, you were going to Red Lobster on Christmas? Oh, I got a good burn on those kids. They started dancing, and everyone was not having it because it was Christmas Eve. So I was like, hey, it's not showtime, it's Christmastime. You fucking orphans that don't have family to go to on Christmas. Right.

They yell at a kid for like a second. You homeless queer youth. You stupid ass. It ain't show time. It's blow time. Yeah. Make them blow you. This poor Peter Pan lost boys.

What did you. Yeah. I didn't take it out for you Cinderella. What did you. What did you have a red lobster for Christmas. Well a bunch of bullshit. Like I don't really remember it's all you got pretty much biscuits so i got it yeah i mean you can't just get the cheesy biscuits they kind of won't let you but i think i got some lobster i mean it was garbage it was like 25 an entree for like um you know a fucking just above fast food meal yeah

yeah yeah remember that night juliana fry was all drunk and she was like, does anyone want Whataburger? I'm going to get honey. I'm going to get honey. And she spent like $78 in Whataburger. Jesus Christ. While drunk. She says, I'm going to do a Whataburger run real quick. Yeah, that wasn't that uncommon.

Yeah, when she worked at like a diner, so that was like her paycheck for the whole week. $2 now. Is Whataburger good? I've never had it. It's okay. It's Texas, right? It's just McDonald's? Yeah.

No, it's better than McDonald's. It's good, but the fucking hype about it is the same as the local fast food in any place, which is just a bunch of drunk people who don't like sports, so they have that instead. Right, right, right. It's fucking way better than that shit

they have in Tucson or whatever. Right, right. Fucking Ding in tucson or whatever it's diabetic sports yeah what a burger is on par with wendy's i'd say okay okay what is good uh you know what's funny is the uh the experience of going to get fast food in new york city which is fast food in new york city is a homeless shelter it's not a fast It's not a restaurant. Yeah. I went to the Boston Market. Hell yeah, dude. Where?

In Chelsea. In Chelsea, yeah. Holy shit, dude. Really? When I was a kid growing up, we weren't allowed to have Boston Market because it was too nice. It was like, it's shit. It was like what? Rich people ate.

We're a fucking Rogers Roasters family. we don't go to boston market yeah no i went in and i just said they'll fucking leave i couldn't even buy like bear ordering anything there's there was a mcdonald's in hell's kitchen where uh two like i guess there's like a methadone clinic right by there that's the one no that's the penn station mcdonald's the one where the junkies murdered each other jesus christ that guy that journalist that like lived there for six weeks yeah yeah it's right next to a methadone clinic yeah and there's like murders and shit that happened jesus shut down that whole mcdonald's didn't you didn't you have some kind of story about a gay mcdonald's and yeah you see on dupont circle yeah what happened nick was blackout so

being nick and jamel we were all drinking beers all night it was like 2 3 a.m we we went to the gay mcdonald's and we got there we're like stoned as fuck drunk and it's just like all the gay clubs just let out and it was after hours at mcdonald's and nick walked in on a guy sucking another guy off. Really? In the bathroom? Yeah. And then he came out and he's like, dude, I could pee there because there's a guy sucking another guy off.

I got scared. Like, hey, guys, spook to you, dude? His face was white, literally. Did you see this man getting his penis sucked? I'm jealous. Did you go check it out, Adam? And I was like, yeah, we should Yelp that, dude. We should definitely Yelp that.

Did you go in and look after him? No, I wanted to make sure that everything was okay in there. I mean, I'm sure I've told this story on the podcast before, but in terms of hilarious getting your dick sucked in public restroom stories, hilarious getting your dick sucked in public restroom stories in my the high school I went to

after I graduated some girl was getting gang banged in in the public in like the school bathroom and some kid

was taking a piss had nothing to do with the gang bang and he heard what was going on as soon as he pissed he just went in and got his dick sucked

he was just he was just on a break where he just had to piss from like algebra class and he's like all right fuck it and he just like hopped into the gangbang that's hilarious that is so good one day uh me and my friend brad who i went to high school with who's mormon we went to see the movie ahead of state with chris rock after school yeah and there's this guy sitting in the row in front of us and he was just going on and then the n-word and he's like oh and he kept saying it oh n-word oh n-word and then um my friend brad like was like looking really confused and we were like giggling we didn't know what was going on and then all of a sudden like a woman's head comes out of

his crotch and he's just getting his dick sucked getting head of state i remember i was in uh i forget what movie i went to see but during the the trailer you know how they have those like two captain's chairs for like handicapped people yeah hell yeah so i was in one of them with my friend and then in the other the other one like halfway on the other side of the seat of this like butch dyke sits down like like, you know, flannel, you know, and fucking, there was trailers for movies going on, and the trailer for, she's, like, already talking. She's, like, brown bagging something, too, so she's fucking trashed. And the trailer for Kung Pao Enter the Fist comes on.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And this fucking lesbian is laughing her ass off. Like, ah, ah, ah, you see that motherfucking cow? Eat my, ah, ah. And they just, almost immediately, an usher's like, you gotta fucking go. And she got kicked out during the- She got tossed during trailers? During trailers.

We're fucking making too much noise during the Kung Pao Enter the Fifth. That's impressive. I've never seen usher actually do anything yeah no that's the only time i've ever seen anyone get kicked out of the theater but they were like you know it was like max katie and fucking you know cape fear yeah smoking a cigar yeah just laughing at kung pao you know what's cool about business expenses because i said just that i can expense buying just that movie. Just buy Cape Fear? Yeah. Oh, they're going to say Kung Pao.

No, I mentioned every movie. I can buy that one, too. I mentioned every movie I buy just so it's technically a business expense. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do the same thing. Like, we said The Sound of Music, so I bought The Sound of Music. Yeah, what else? Oh, yeah, Predator. I mentioned that one.

I want to buy that one. Yeah. What are some good flicks I need to see, boys? Yeah, I need to do research to figure out what it feels like to get a haircut so now that's a business expense yeah i'll review get a a ten dollar blow job yeah adam you could write off yeah yeah adam literally got jerked off by a fucking uh it's crazy first tier operator i've made i've made i've made the case but it's pretty fucked up that you can't write off illegal expenses. Like drugs?

Yeah, you can't write off cocaine, even if you do a bunch of cocaine. We've got... For work. Yeah, we do it for work. We do it for work a couple times. It's fucking absolutely insane that you can't write it off as a business expense. If they can catch Al Capone for... If illegal income is taxable then fucking illegal spenditures

should be taxable or tax negatable. That only makes sense. It does make sense. I should be in charge of the law offices. Yeah. The tax department. You literally probably could. Yeah. You could probably sneak your way in. I could fucking make that case. It was the IRS that took down Capone. Yeah it was dude.

They had to fucking get him because he didn't keep books on all his fucking illegal incomes. Is that really what it was? Yeah, he didn't launder his money properly. We should watch the Untouchables. Tax evasions. Well, they had to get him on something because they couldn't get evidence

on anything else, you know, and they can't rely on local police departments because he fucking owned everything in Chicago. The G-men got him that way. Yeah. My man had syphilis. Yeah, I've been talking about wanting to watch the Untouchables again.

Me and Adam are watching the Untouchables after this. I've been on a Brian De Pal been talking about Wanting to watch The Untouchables again Me and Adam are watching The Untouchables after this I've been on a Brian De Palma By the way The Untouchables is also The name of Stav's Dick and Balls

No it isn't Yeah Take it back The Unseeables That's not their name They can't see Unseeables Fucking

Unseeables They can't findables It's so funny when a fucking dudes call their their girl the n-word like yeah yeah that guy getting his dick sucked and drop an n-bomb

I had this roommate who like I live in like a fucking dumb like the best part is is that story is a chinese guy i live in like a fucking apartment with really you know thin walls and just hear everyone the guy who lives in the room next to me used to uh just get home like blackout drunk in the middle of night and like you know just trying to sleep and he'd just be up like having these he was a wigger from like shelter island like a super rich weird uh-huh like justin bieber e bowler hat guy and he would just be like having these intense

conversations where he's just calling his girlfriend the n-word like all night what like not like aggressively like as a slur it was like he's talking to her like it sounded like the

like the skit from like a rap album but just all fucking night and then to cap it all off he would get into a fit of rage and play the saxophone

this was a noxious fucking room that guy sounds fake as shit do you remember there was a guy there's remember that guy that gay guy that came moved into sandstone that had that that had that beard uh that he's like this is my girlfriend brett oh my god yeah brett yeah that guy's name was brett there's a woman named brett but it was a clearly a beard but he lived he lived right above the office and we would just hear him fucking all the time

and I remember it was like Joe was like well I guess he's not gay dude he's fucking that girl pretty hard and it's like no he has to fuck her

that hard to cum if he's pretending of course he was getting pegged yeah that's why that's why he was just

oh yes oh yeah use the extra large one. He's got a wall of different... Yeah, right. Do you remember... ...fucking gauges and dildos? It's a bandolier.

Like drill bits? She puts a sock and bopper in his ass and then blows it up. One time when I was living in Bushwick at John F. O'Donnell's place... This is a fake story he's about to tell by the way no the three of us fake news bitch

no me, Jake, and Nick were playing Catan and I piece of shit go ahead go ahead Adam oh fuck

tell your story Nick is a piece of shit no wait wait wait I remember that we were playing Catan it's not fake news I was there

yeah yeah yeah we had that roommate they used to cheat on his girlfriend but most of the cheating included tickling girls yeah yeah and the three of us were like playing katan in the living room and there would just be these shrieks of laughter coming out of the room and it turned out yeah like he cheated i guess the girl came up like his girlfriend came over three nights a week and the other four nights a week he had a different girl over. I mean, he was very professional about cheating. Was he sexy?

He was like a pretty big, big dude. Big, big black dude. Muscular black man? Yeah. Let's just say he filled Adam out. He was tickling bitches? That shit was... Well, it's like, if you think about it,

the control of an orgasm, that lasts like five seconds. That just reminds me, have you ever seen that bullshit Josh Hartnett movie? 40 Days and 49? 40 Days and 49. 40 days and 40 days. Where he blows that feather across that bitch's stomach. And she like comes from the feather.

No, no. And it's like, shut the fuck up. Yeah. I used to be in love. You know how fucking, how hard it is for most women to come.

And this bitch comes from a feather. She was probably molested. And then I know that's like a weird way to go with that, but I feel like those, those people come early. feather she was probably molested and then i know that's like a weird way to go with that but i feel like those those people come early she was molested by a poultry farmer as it happened right any any kind of feather she was molested by that uh bird woman at chucky cheese chucky cheese's girlfriend whoever was in that costume how many like sex scenes in movies from like the past before i don't know just like i guess before porn was prevalent enough a lot of shit seems like it was

written by people that have never had sex oh yeah oh yeah this is what i love all the michael douglas sex scenes are always him just like about to bite or be bitten by some fucking anorexic woman. They're always like, ah, ah, just sucking air through their teeth at each other. Ah, ah, you know, throwing their hair around.

It's like, what the fuck are you doing? Nobody fucks like that. How about the seymour? Just always, you have to clear off every surface in your apartment.

Yeah. Who's gonna clean that up? I used to think that was just a prerequisite to fucking. You're throwing everything off your desk. Yeah, cleaning out a desk.

Destroy your own apartment. Make tables, kitchens. Yeah. When I was a little kid, I used to dream about passionately making out with a woman and clearing out a table top. Yeah, she's like grabbing your necktie, doing weird shit with your necktie. Kissing your shirt so it leaves a mark on your shirt. That shit was fucking dumb. Does anybody have good fuck scenes?

Who's got a nice fuck scene? The scene in that where Chloe Savini sucks that guy's dick. That was so awesome. That's so funny that you mentioned that. I literally was thinking about it the last time we recorded. Yeah, yeah.

It's like, how... God bless that man, dude, for just, like, getting his dick... What's his's his name brown bunny what was the fucking guy's name yeah he just like yeah i think i actually my carrier has to get his dick sucked okay cool it's like yeah but it's gonna have to be on camera my dick has to literally get sucked apparently they say it's a prosthetic that he used. What? Yeah. Because that dick was pretty huge in that movie. That's a good dick.

You know what happens right after the blowjob in that movie? What? He comes out. No, he finds out. He comes out of his penis from the blowjob. You said right after. I'm answering the question. What does he find out? Chloe Sivigny was a ghost. That's a cool way to say it.

Chloe Sivigny? Sav ghost. That's a cool way to say it. And then the... Yeah. Chloe Sivigny? Savini? Yeah. How do you say it? Chloe Savini? No, it's not. I said it right the first time

and now you've infected my brain with your weird... Yeah, you've been saying things weird and gay all day. I say things gay. That's just how I am. Anyway, she's a ghost. He finds out she's a ghost, and then the movie ends. I literally beat off to that because I thought it was cool.

The ground bunny fucks you. I thought that she was literally sucking dick, and it was cool that an actress was sucking dick. It's kind of weird that she was sucking a fake dick. Well, someone asked Vince Gallo about it, and he got super mad. It was like a rumor, and then they asked him about it and he got furious so now because he got mad everyone's like oh yeah i guess it wasn't oh so he got mad because they thought it wasn't his dick wasn't big enough his real dick wasn't big enough i guess well i guess he's sort of by getting mad it was like a tell that it maybe wasn't actually his dick hmm so that guy's got a

stupid voice have you ever heard him speak before? He sounds like Emo Phillips. Yeah, he sounds like shit. Really? The only part of his movie's... He talks like this. No, he talks like this. Really? Yeah.

Literally the only part of his acting I've ever seen is him getting his dick sucked. And it's high. Really? Yeah, it's really annoying. So he sounds like you? This sounds like you're doing an Adam impression. No, shut up, dude. I'm not even from New York. Whoa, he talks like that? That's really gay. That's how like you? This sounds like you're doing an Adam impression. No, shut up, dude. I'm not even from New York.

Whoa, he talks like that? That's really gay. That's how he talks? Like this? Oh, my God. Spot on. That's terrible. That's an amazing impression of both you and him.

I don't know how you do that so well. Wait. Anyway, do you have anything else to talk about, Adam? No, that's it. Are you going to just do that voice the whole time? Sure. Just talk in your normal voice, man. Oh, man, he's really method on this impression of Vincent Friedland.

Yeah, anyway, I definitely did beat off to that. Chloe Savini, what's up? I'd fuck. I'd smash. Don't you mean Chloe Savignon? Savignon. Chloe. Chloe.

Chloe. Savignon. Seven dust. Yeah. Vincent the guy Yalo I used to work with this guy that was really into Avenged Sevenfold and had Avenged Sevenfold tattoos I fucking love them actually He had Avenged Sevenfold tattoos

He's like yeah this is the skull bat Basically what it represents I was like stop Well no it represents stop i don't want to i don't want to even hear what you think a skull bat represents what kind of symbolism of fucking skull with bat wings on it what kind of close reading of a flying bat skull could be in your fucking idiotic mind. You ever watch all those like Bam Margera post jackass shows?

Yo, we put a fucking alligator in April's bed and she's gonna shit her fucking pussy off. A bear's gonna rape my mother. We took a shit in Don Vito's fucking mouth while he was asleep. Wait, Don Vito raped kids? Free Don Vito or R.I.P., I think. No, he's dead.

He's dead, and he was a pedophile. He's dead and a pedophile. Yeah, you're watching Bam fucking pranks his fucking parents. Hey, this is Bam Margera. I'm 37 years old. Well, they all had tattoos of this thing called a heartogram. Yeah, it's from the band Him. Yeah.

He got rich when he was like 17 so he just has like yeah tattoos of that yeah i'm obsessed with this band and i do pranks on my parents like taking a shit in april's mouth while she's asleep i'm gonna fuck my mom yo we covered my turds in flour and we're gonna fucking throw them at my mom it's a really good it's a treasure trove of mid-atlantic accent because they're all from westchester yeah so they all talk like shit how did he get rich they did cky yeah well cky and fucking knoxville and steve-o teamed up and that's what created jackass got Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Knoxville wrote for, what was it?

Was it Big Brother? No. Really? Some magazine, some skateboard magazine. Oh, that's right. Spike Jonze was involved. Trans World. No, it wasn't Trans World.

No, it was another one. It was a different skateboard magazine, but he did a piece, and then Steve-O was just a rodeo clown. I forget how he got roped into it. Did you read that? Have you seen his special? Have we talked about his stand-up special?

No. But I've heard from people that he approaches it the same way Mick Foley does, which is like, I'm not a comic, but these are venues where I can go around. Right, but the stand-up special he has, he'll do four minutes, and then he'll just smash a full beer can over his head. It's pranks. It's bits. And then in between, he'll just staple his balls. I mean, he literally staples his balls.

That's the funniest shit, dude. Yeah. It's so good. Bam Margera's live show is, Yo, we're going to comment an envelope. I'm going to mail it to April. We're going to fucking mail it to April. The whole club is going to watch me.

His boy died, dude. Ryan Dunn. Yeah. Dude, one of my favorite tweets after that was, it was somebody tweeted, Hi, I'm Ryan Dunn, and this is driving to a car and kill your friend. Well, wasn't he tweeting about how he's fucked up

and going to drive? I think his last tweets are literally like... Well, and then all those jackass guys were, like, hurt that they're... I mean, yeah, you can be hurt, but, like, they got mad when people were making fun of it. Oh, yeah, there's, like, one of those roasts. Somebody makes a joke. Schumer, it was Schumer. Yeah.

You just zoom in on Steve-O's face. Yeah, yeah. He just looks like a dog that's about to get put down. Yeah. Right. What was the joke? It was, like, something like... Something about him being dead also or something like that. I was like, you remember when Schumer was like, that was her thing?

She was like real fucking mean and edgy. Yeah, roast. Yeah, she used to be inappropriate. Dude, and she would be fine right now if she just continued down that path and didn't fucking throw people under the bus and embrace the whole like shame culture bullshit. But she's so big now. That's part of her brand. She didn't have to be. It's being of her brand. It didn't have to be.

It didn't fucking have to be. Fucking Tina Fey rejected that shit. Yeah. You know? Plenty of people did. I feel like they tried to thrust it upon you if you're, like, a woman like that. Yeah, of course. And then you're, like, tempted to, like,

just be like, well... There's more pressure for women to do it than there is men to be, like, a fucking woke person. But they're gonna fucking come for you, and they have for Amy, you know? Yeah. But she's fine. She's fucking doing movies and shit.

Oh, yeah, she'll be rich forever. We're going to take a dump in Amy's car. Yeah, we're going to make Amy say the N-word to April, and then we're going to fucking send the tape to Leslie Jones. Hey, this is Bam Margera 2017. Did they like Molest him or something Why is he so mean

To his parents They seem like Good parents Because that's the shit That's funny to Fucking 12 year olds Yeah Because when you're

12 years old And you're watching that show You're like Bam rules He put a fucking Half pipe in the house Yeah It is

As an 11 year old You're like This is fucking awesome Yeah Yeah but he's like A fucking 35 year old man Yeah right Imagine

I've heard he's like Not holding up really well Oh he looks horrible Yeah He's all fucking bloated Imagine you had a show And the premise is You live with your parents still

Yeah And you're trying to show Everyone how cool you are Yeah He's just gonna end up Being as fat as fucking Phil Right yeah I gotta say

Slapping his fat father In the stomach while his father The first time you see that it's fucking funny. It's very, very funny. It's a good bit. I don't know.

I just don't think it's funny to disrespect your parents. Same. You know, my children You learn there's certain rules, you know, there's rooms you don't go into

in the house. Right. That's your father's Nazi memorabilia. That's what your uncle fucks kids. He kind of should be mean to Don Vito. He's the one he loved the most, though. He's the fucking child molester.

But just the fattest, goofiest looking motherfucker. Yeah, Bam had a good read on people. He needed one of those scooters to get around. I feel like they should reboot Firing Line with Bam Margera. What's Firing Line? It was like a public, you know, like, I guess not Charlie Rose, but like a panel show. Oh, okay. Like McLaughlin Group.

Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah. He's the moderator. Yeah, but it was like the longest running one. Like the Dick Cavett Show? No, that's just a talk show. Oh. Isn't it?

Yeah, but he would have like- Wait, the Dick Haver Show? No, that's just a talk show. Isn't it? Yeah, but even... Wait, the Dick Haver show? The Dick Haver show. You had to have a nice... I liked it, Adam. Dick Cavett's still alive. Is he alive? Yeah, he's old as shit.

How about the Tranny Griffith show? Now we're talking. Now we're getting somewhere. What were you going say adam uh i had a joke i wanted to do about uh trans world skateboard magazine and caitlin jenner but yeah that's good that's good i don't get it what do you mean yes i gave up like 30 minutes ago it would have been hell yeah oh fuck what happened to skateboard you see that video of tony hawk where he's like Like 30 minutes ago. It would have been good. Hell yeah. Oh, fuck.

What happened to skateboarding? You see that video of Tony Hawk where he's like, I'm 49 years old and I'm going to land the 900 again. Oh, yeah. And then it's just like 20 minutes of him smashing his fucking head against the ground and then he finally does it and he's like, let's fucking go home. Dude, King. What is this a fucking commercial for? 30 for 30 about Matt Hoffman.

Oh, dude, that shit is hilarious. And his family's like, please. No, I watched it with my mom, actually. Yeah, yeah. That's hilarious. His whole family's like, please, you don't need to jump this bicycle over this ramp. You have a family to raise. And he's like, I'm going to fucking do it.

Yeah. And then they have footage of it. He rides the bicycle up the ramp. Nice. And then he falls on the ground and cracks his skull open. Holy shit. He was in a coma for the next seven months. Jesus Christ.

He medically died like four times. Yeah. He's just dragging his family through hell. Yeah, yeah. Because he's like, yeah, I just got to get normal again. Well, it was so funny. I remember watching that, and it was right around the time that dave mira died and it was like it wasn't the other guy yeah what i didn't even know david guys died yeah dude like duh you know yeah you ever did

you know people growing up who were like uh like trying to get sponsored oh yeah yeah everybody i know everyone everyone pretended they were sponsored yeah you could land one kickflip you're like yeah i'm trying to get i'm trying to get fucking sponsored by volcom yeah i want to get sponsored for beating off by volcom when we were talking about reading rainbow earlier i was thinking about beating off rainbow no wait hold on beating off bow that was it beating off take a look at a porno book beating off Bo and it's to teach kids about jacking off

that's pretty good yeah butterfly in this guy I can come twice as high I never watched that shit dude reading's gay yeah well no

that's how I felt it's tight because you get to watch dude I was like PBS pretty bullshit that's what I said the premise of that show was reading is super gay. Yeah. It's for kids.

Yeah. No, the cool kids shows to watch were like Ren and Stimpy, fucking Terminator. South Park. South Park. That was a movie. Porn. Stern on E. Yeah.

Hardcore pornography. Racist pornography. Two racist people fighting. Triumph of the will. Birth of a nation. That was my favorite movie growing up was Birth of a nation. Rape at gunpoint.

Snuff films. That was cool. Footage of soldiers in Iraq gang raping some women. A video of those Chechens sticking a combat knife underneath a young Russian soldier's trachea sawing

through it above a pile of rocks I watched that more than Sesame Street the Nick Berg video cartel executions well I had a special type of Applejack set on the back here to connect the dots

and draw Muhammad. I gotta tell you, nothing has gotten me quite as hard as drawing a really beautiful picture of Muhammad. I was trying to do a fucking joke for like months last year. It's like funny in my head, but it just bombed every time i did it live

about going to a police sketch artist and just describing muhammad it's funny right but i just fucking just frowns all around i don't know if that's me or just audiences or i'm just an idiot no that's hilarious no it's the audience it's always the audience the thing is is like even if you're the shittiest comedian in the world, you're probably still a better comedy audience member than the majority of comedy audiences. So it's always the audience. Yeah. You know? It did seem like one of those things where people were like, is this okay?

Right. Which is just rampant. What I like, this is a big inconsistency I like to point out, is so people are flabbergasted that they could be offended that you could draw Muhammad. Like, well, how could you get offended? Yet here, we're not allowed to draw swastikas in the library. They ask you to leave. They ask you to replace all those copies of The Sorcerer's Stone. And I said, I only drew it on seven pages.

And it's not even permanent marker. I only drew it on pages 14 and 18. I did it in gel pens. So you have to reimburse me for the ink for my gel pens, my milky pens. You have to do a flip book to even make it all come together. No one's going to see that shit. I want all my fucking stickers back. All my Lisa Frank stickers that I drew out swastikas with.

And the copy of Sorcerer's Stone. This is why libraries suck, dude. Yeah, dude. Yeah. It's 1984, man. I used to love that shit you know go there play Carmen Sandiego play Oregon Trail yeah yeah that's that poor kid shit dude before we had video games mom would just take us there and shoot and then we'd go shop at the bullshit like that fake grocery store where you got cereal and like in bags 40-pound bags. Yeah, that's bullshit. Great value.

Like the Great Value Store. God, everything. The meat was so bad, dude, at those grocery stores. The meat was just horrendous. It was so fucking... They were like dollar stores and shit, right? Huh? You're talking about like dollar stores and shit, right? No, it's the grocery stores where they don't have like the floors finished it's just bare concrete no dude costco's nice yeah well that's like a

membership costco because they save money and they also pay their employees real well yeah costco's a good company that's why they can't afford the floor no yeah there's like grocery stores where half the shit is still in a cardboard box yeah exactly you don't even bother yeah there were no there were no bags the most depressing grocery store i've ever been in my entire life is at myrtle and fucking uh it's like myrtle and throop or myrtle and like you go up there's a fucking awful smell there's like a hum everything's like set up where you can only enter and exit one way so there's oh i hate that shit yeah yeah yeah ikea style yeah sort of but it's it feels like a prison yeah yeah there's like barbed wire around the cat food yeah yeah someone's gotta keep those

fucking cat moms out of there steal your cats dude they come in and get a little fucking oh the old commando headbands you've been to the White Castle on Myrtle? Oh, yeah. I went there alone once. Is that closed? No, no, no. The one over by Legion closed, but this one down here is open. I was riding my bike home from some bar the other night or whatever, and I stopped there because I was shitting blood for a while.

I had to go to the hospital. I had diverticulitis. I was just rampantly shitting blood for like a month. What's diverticulitis? It's like these weird Fissures that form In your colon That like

People get after 40 But I'm fucking 30 Nice I just got them from like PBR and shit And they get infected And then you just Shit blood

It's pretty fucking gross Nice I got it all cleared up Kind of So I But I didn't know What was happening So I was just like

Fucking having to run to the bathroom real bad a lot and uh i was riding my bike from flatbush 45 minutes so i see white castle in the middle of the night it's like this you know bright glowing white building and i'm almost kind of hungry so i go in there and i'm like all right so you're like so you're shitting blood and you're like i could get a little fucking white cast yeah i don't help this out the deal is you have to buy something i don't want to use this out. But the deal is you have to buy something and they won't let you use the restroom.

So I order some food and then I'm like, can I have the little fucking beep boop, you know, the fucking spy passcode for the bathroom to get in. And I open the bathroom

and it's like, have you ever seen Trainspotting? Yeah. The worst toilet in Scotland or whatever. Somebody just shit all over the walls.

Dude, that happened to me. I went into the fucking bathroom in the McDonald'sdonald's on delancey and uh you have to put in a quarter so it's not even for customers that's illegal and i go in there dude not only was there shit all over the toilet in the seat which i'm fine that's happened it's new york you know there's gonna be there was blood there's fucking someone had like cut themselves half an hour before yeah yeah it was fucking blood all over the seat in the floor and it's like get your fucking shit together dude it's like this is why you're homeless if you can't even shit in the toilet you know like that well like i just need a job no you need to learn shitting the aim your asshole aim yeah you're gonna be what like in an

office and people are just gonna talk oh well he used to be homeless so you know they got him a haircut and you know he knows how to not steal from the register anymore but it's like some uplifting will smith movie yeah right it's a teach the guy the pursuit of yeah not shitting crap yeah there we are yeah so did you shit in there dude no so i couldn't i just like i was like couldn't bring myself to do it so then i went back out and they gave me my food so then i just sat there with this like disgusting white castle food no i just couldn't stop thinking about the fucking horrific scene i just saw like trying to eat it while having to shit really bad and almost just wanted to throw up. That's horrible.

Then I just fucking threw the food away and went home. Did you make it home? Did you shit your pants? I made it home. Nice. Yeah. Also, I saw this on the way home. Yeah.

I saw... I just... I was on my bikes. It was real cold, so I couldn't really stop. I just saw this. You ever seen Into the Mouth of Madness? No. Yeah.

Remember that weird scene with that guy on the bicycle? That's the Sam Neill movie, right? Uh-huh. Yeah. That weird fucking just passing in the night ghostly guy on a bicycle? Yeah, yeah. All right, so I passed. That's such a weird movie, dude.

Oh, yeah. It's crazy. It's like the movie where John Carpenter just went way too far with shitty special effects. I love it, man. It's like, what the fuck happened to you? It's ridiculous. He made all the guitar solos himself. I love it, man. It's like, what the fuck happened to you? It's ridiculous. He made all the guitar solos himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hell yeah, dude. Well, he's a great musician. Yeah. I mean, half of a fucking Carpenter movie is the score, and they're great. You know? I mean, Christine is fucking amazing. We just re-watched Christine the other night. Well, I liked him.

I purchased him as a tax write-off. Yeah. for the we just re-watched christine the other night well i like i purchased it as a tax writer yeah well anyway anyway so i saw these two like hasidic jews right and this is like middle of fucking nowhere brooklyn people specify hasidic jews well because they had you're going to be talking about hasidic coptic christians yeah yeah yeah all right i'm a hasidic muslim well that's right i shouldn't assume they could have been just dressed what's the Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hot seeds. All right. I'm a Hasidic Muslim. Well, that's right. I shouldn't assume they could have been just dressed like that. What's the deal with saying the whole thing? Yeah. Jerry bits.

Sorry, I'm not cutting off for any reason. This is just how I kill time on the show. Yeah, no. It's by making someone else's story take 45 minutes. I read you loud and clear, man. Also, this is not really going anywhere. You also do that in real life, too. Yeah. No, I read you loud and clear, man. Also, this does, this is not really going anywhere except that You also do that

in real life, too. Yeah. No, I don't. Not to everybody, just to you, dude. That's part of being alive. Don't treat me like Adam. Come on.

Only for the purposes of show business. Show our guests the respect you don't show our good friend. What's it like to be a faggot? To be the white man

to be named blue eyes yeah just be Aryan no one knows what it's like to be Aryan no one knows

what it's like why aren't there any like alt-right guys who are like beautiful ass Aryan motherfuckers and you know

what's fucked up is those guys don't have any kind of guilt if you're like some beautiful, handsome, you know, Nordic, whatever, you're not like,

fuck, dude, I'm the worst one. They don't have that. They're like, we have to make a house out of Legos and, you know, eat the raw fish.

I don't know, whatever the fuck they do. I've been to Ikea three times in the last two weeks. What are these hot, what were these hot seats doing, Jake? Oh, okay. So one of them's walking.

The other one, they're both six foot tall, full grown men. One of them's just up on the other guy's shoulders like a toddler. And he's just got his arms out like Mecca Shiva style. I just fucking was like, I'm going too fast. I can't turn around and ask them what this is. But it was spooky as fuck. Wait, sorry. They were doing piggyback rides?

Yeah. But on top of the other one's shoulders. Like acrobats. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's like a dancing thing. Oh, they're practicing their dancing? Yeah, yeah. Maybe they had to go to a botanist.

It's called Hasidic show time. They go around looking for pennies. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what a bunch of They go around looking for pennies. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do you know what a bunch of hossies like fuck hookers and shit? Schnoz time? A bunch of them... Schnoz time? Fuck trans hookers.

Really? Yeah, that makes sense. It makes sense. Why? Because if you repress your sexuality to that degree, that's... You have to... It just explodes. Yeah.

You're also... You know? It's like the veterans that come back and they pretend like they don't have PTSD and they just don't get it treated. And then eventually they fucking go on a killing spree. And murder their family. They're also separated from women until they get married.

So they definitely have latent homosexuality. So if they fuck hookers... Do you think they suck each other off and shit? Yeah. We talked about this before. There's that documentary about... Yeah, yeah's that documentary about gay chassids. Nice. Did you hear about the guy that went rogue in New York a few years ago and they threw

bleach in his face? No. What happened? He tried to leave? Yeah. He started exposing these crazy sex crimes and shit. All the molestation and shit. They threw fucking bleach in his face.

Damn. Is he all right? His eyebrows look amazing now. His mustache is completely hidden. They bleach him and he's like, and then he looks up and he's a beautiful Aryan man. No, he's Lilo. It's like Squidward.

Remember that episode of Spongebob where they make him sexy as shit? My only exposure to Spongebob is through black memes. Yeah, there's a meme with him. Black people love Spongebob. It's crazy. First of all, Spongebob where they make him sexy as shit? My only exposure to Spongebob is through black memes. Yeah, there's a meme of him. Black people love Spongebob. It's crazy. First of all, Spongebob's great. They love Arthur and they love Spongebob.

I never got into it. You didn't? You never? I thought you meant they love Dudley more, Arthur. I was like, what? Yeah, yeah. I don't know about this. When you get lost between the moon and New York City.

I've never seen that one. I know it's crazy. The best that you be do The best that you be do Is fall in love Yeah, I've only seen the remake with Dude, Christopher Cross Christopher Cross, hot take.

The greatest musician of all time. I agree, dude. seen the remake with uh christopher cross with uh with christopher cross hot take russell the greatest musician of all time i agree dude i think he's out there yeah dude for sure he's a fucking beast yeah he's great dude i love just how like what a fat piece of shit he is i think the best musician dumpy he's wearing like wearing cotton pants and slippers all those guys that make that like ultra romantic adult contemporary just look like Steve Bannon and shit. They look like cleaned-up Blake. Yeah.

Well, that kind of... That makes a lot of sense. Blake would 100% make music like that. Do you still see Blake? What's he up to? Yeah, I see him around a bit. He still... He just works at that fucking bar.

He's got a lifestyle that he just, you know... Any other normal human being would have had to have quit like 15 years ago. It's insane. Like, I don't really, but the thing is, like, what he's doing is it's all based on inertia.

Like, because every once in a while I've seen him in, like, a moment where he's like, I gotta clean up, I gotta quit. Oh, he's been like that as long as I've ever known him.

But it'll last for, like, a day and he's, like, visibly, like, shaking. He's just, like, vibrating and shit and he freaks out. And the next time you see him he's, like, back to just like vibrating and shit and he freaks out and the next time you see him he's like back to just partying what's his lifestyle lifestyle was in it being in a successful band like 25 years ago what was the band uh page 99 yeah he was in slave well it's blake's original name was Dave Matthews. Blake was in Delametri, and after their success and downfall, he just continued part. We just both moved here around the same time, and we were like, all right, comedy, right?

And then he just got a job at a party bar and just did massive amounts of cocaine. He's a fat comedian. It's just got bad news written all over it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fat comedian. Every time I see him, I'm like, how's it going? He's like, great. And I'm like, whoa, really?

Yeah, he either internalizes all of it or he's just one of those people that doesn't give a shit. Yeah, I mean, sometimes I think, like, maybe I'm wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blake's never seemed like he's been depressed as long as I've known him. give a shit. Sometimes I think, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is why. Blake's never seemed like he's been depressed as long as I've known him. He only seems happy. Somebody lost his dog to child care.

Yeah, yeah. Child protective services. Canine protective services. The funniest shit was when Nick told me you were at a bar with Blake and he was hitting on a girl. And then some other dude that was exactly like him. Like a nerdier version of Blake, like cocked him. Blake was talking to this girl for like two hours and then some other guy was like,

Milady, may I walk you to the train? And then she was like, okay. And then they just left and went and fucked. Blake's like yeah i didn't like her anyways look at that other homer simpson that walks into mose yeah yeah with the top hat and the fucking oh man yeah um well r.i.p blake yeah too bad he died yeah yeah what were we talking about before that christopher Cross? Christopher Cross. Christopher Cross. I have a story about Jewish shit.

Yeah, go for it. Can I interject this? Did I ever tell that story about seeing the Hasidic fire department and laughing about... I think so, but say it again. Laughing about the Hasidic fire department showing up to a fire like, uh, uh, uh, not so much water, Jacob. Maybe a little bit less, perhaps.

It's expensive water, you know. He's got a garden hose. He's stepping on it. He's stepping on the hose. Oh, just take it easy with all the water you're using here. Oh, fuck, that's funny. Yeah. What's your Jew story?

My sister was engaged to a jewish guy and uh he took me to uh i can't remember which holiday it was one where they dance around with the toro and uh halloween it was a store with just a ghost on the front uh yeah and uh he was like hey like under his breath like come over here you know you're kind of like swarthy looking like just like yeah just hold it and dance for a little bit really funny you know and uh i'm not jewish i'm like half a mexican and shit you know he's mexican? Yeah, but I'm not. The trick is if the name ends with a Z, that's how you know they're Mexican. Yeah.

Actually, I looked that up. I might be in the part Jew, somewhere back there, but I'm not practicing. Yeah, you got a couple of Zs in there. A couple of Zs. I fall asleep all the time. Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

That's why Mexicans love putting Z's in their names. That's what I'm, like, talking to him about afterwards. Like, oh, that was funny. That was kind of a goof, you know? Like, you think they would get mad, you know? And he's like, they'd get pretty mad. But if a woman danced with this fucking thing, they would kill her. It was, like, so unfair.

I was like, why is there a slap on the wrist if i'm openly bashing your religion here um that shit's awesome dude yeah religion's tight especially how when they treat the way they treat yeah i saw i saw a fucking uh like two acidic women on the train and one of them had her like you know pocket tour or whatever and she's reading it and she's like you know mouthing all of the words and like bobbing up and down to it and in my head i just started like doing the like lose yourself in the moment that was a good laugh for me dude i want to save one i want to save a hossie acidic one with her her wig i want to read she would she would never leave the church again huh if you if she if i'm trying to dick her down good, dude.

The way of fucking, you know, secular life, dude. I got the secular dick for that ass. Well, what you should go do is hang out in like Lancaster, Pennsylvania and get all those rumspring attins. Hell yeah, dude. Girl's gone rumspring.

Now we're talking. Dude, let's go. Let's go to fucking market again. Amish market again. I love going to Amish markets and making eye contact with the women. That is my favorite shit to do.

Just hold the eye contact as long as you can. Which is a type of sexual assault, probably. It's definitely crossing a boundary. But, you know, maybe I'm just grateful about how good their soft pretzels are. Yeah, they do have great fried chicken.

Oh, holy shit, dude. The food is amazing. Great fried chicken, great toffee. Which is weird because it makes me think, like, you know, people talk about how hard it must have been to live in the 1800s. It seems like the food was amazing. But did you get it, though? That's all you have in your life is fucking food. So they make food that tasted really they were like make eating gruel and shit

day to day no you know actually in uh it's all pretzels in in in the late 1800s if you made it out of like it would be not accounting for like the the mortality rate of children and like pregnant women or whatever yeah Yeah, women having children. If you take that out, people have the same lifespans they do now. Really? You are a woman or were never a child. Yeah. Because their diets were great because they ate nothing but fucking beets.

Right, right, right. They ate that good shit. Yeah, it was like- And there was no fucking- You weren't getting cancer from yourself or shit. The best thing for you for longevity is calorie restriction more than anything. I don't know, man. I went to a Taco Bell in that part of the country one time.

They asked me if I want ranch dressing with my shitty tacos. That sounds pretty good, dude. It was disgusting. Well, cancer is, anytime you eat anything, I mean, there's a chemical process happening in your body and you increase the risk for cell mutation mutation free radicals and anything that can cause cancer so if you could perfect your body by doing nothing but cocaine all the time so you don't need food you would live forever yeah you just be a cocaine vampire i think we discovered blake's, yeah. I subsist off pussy juice alone. That's what I'm trying to get to. An IV?

Yeah, just an IV of pussy juice. An IVAGINA. Is it where a wristband, if you go to the hospital? Yeah, like a medical alert bracelet. I wanted to get one of those for the NYC Guido voice account, just to get a couple of them. One would say diabetes, and the other would say high blood pressure pressure i told you about this idea yeah because you were gonna use my wrist yeah i was gonna use your fat fucking hand and wrist once it's diabetes heart pressure official

hands yeah yeah yeah by the way heart pressure and then one that just says marinara and then you take a picture of the hand holding like magnum condoms and it just says only thing i use baby yeah with all the medical alert bracelets clearly visible that's very good that was the idea we'll do it i don't know i remember going to the place and seeing how much the medical alert bracelets cost how much although i was broke at the time there were a lot dude they weren't fucking cheap at all what like five bucks no they were more than that they were were like 15, 20. What? Yeah. Just go to the hospital because you're shitting blood and then give a fake name. Yeah. And then you're going to say, I think I'm allergic to marinara.

You put that on the medical alert bracelet. Dude, it's worth it. That's a write-off, dude. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I only use Magnums, too, so I have a lot in common with that guy. Yeah, you can write off condoms if you're buying prostitutes. What if you went to the Bunny Ranch? Yeah.

Yep. Dude. If it's a business trip, yes. It's a business trip, boys. We got to go. Comptown goes to Comptown. We got our meeting with the Japanese coming up. That's right.

You know how much I love Comptown. Prime Minister Yosuke Hamamushi Mishimoto. I wrote off $2 billion in sharking expenses. It's our big meeting with the Japanese. Oh, man. That'd be so funny if there were just three Japanese guys that looked like you guys. Well, Adam looks Japanese. The Bukkake boys.

Adam dresses like a Manhattan Japanese boy. Yeah, that's a compliment, I think. You go skullcap that's like perfectly rolled so it's in a circle around your head where there's no you know grading to the back of your head and then they they wear like triple xl shirts and then tight black jeans yeah and they smoke cigarettes like french models and fucking go in and out of the stores on saint mark's you know a really weird thing is like no matter what university campus you're at in the United States, there's a crew of, like, hypebeast Korean and Japanese kids

smoking a thousand cigarettes outside the library. Yeah. For some reason, they just send them over to the United States, and that's all they do. Remember that video, the UCLA girl? They're like, there's too many freaking Asians in the library. Awesome. That's my wife, by the way. the UCLA girl they're like there's too many freaking Asians in the library awesome yeah that's my wife

by the way and that woman got married no I didn't mean that yeah 25 minute long tirade yeah yeah

I was doing I was doing a satirical character based on someone that looks and sounds exactly like me you know those unhinged stream of consciousness rants can be based on someone that looks and sounds exactly like me.

You know those unhinged stream of consciousness rants can be really well played. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That you edit and then upload. First of all, nothing ever uploads to YouTube properly the first time. It takes nine or ten tries to fucking get anything to upload. What about that girl that beat off in the library? Let's not forget oh yeah sunderland yeah uh what's her name's uh something sunderland some juicy

she's been on she's been on kumi's show yeah oh she has yeah is she doing porn now she was already doing porn when that happened she's an absolute ledge absolutely she's a yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i also married that woman i fucked your wife bitch She's an absolute ledge. She's a massive ledge. Yeah, definitely a ledge. Yeah, I also married that woman. I fucked your wife, bitch. God damn it. Alright, folks. Well, thanks for joining us. Remember to check out Jake's show.

This is not going to air for like a month. Oh, man. My podcast will be up by then. Listen to Mr. Cleo. It's a fake psychic hotline where I'm drunk. Hell yeah, dude. Cool. Is it on iTunes? Yeah, it's on iTunes.

Okay. As always. Sorry, I stepped on you. As always, Funny Mobs, the fourth Monday of the month. They come on everybody. Yes, bitch. You can find us there. Yep, okay.

All right, bye.