The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 44 – I Dunno Some Shit Title I Guess

Episode Date: March 16, 2017

Its uh, an episode of the podcast. JP McDade is the guest. We talk for about an hour or some shit like that i think

Boop, boop, boop! Alright, uh, we're doing this. This is, we just stopped recording the last episode, so to you guys it's been, you know, maybe four or five days, but to us it's been 30 seconds. So, we're like, uh, Time Cop.

Yup. You know? You ever see that movie? JCVD. JCVD? Uh, you ever see that one? JP? No. We got JP McDade. I'm lacking on my Van Damme catalog. Oh. You know what's great about Van Damme's movies is if you get them all as, like,

DivX rips, like 720p DivX rips, they fit. And I don't know a lot about video codecs, but I know that, like, you know, when you go to download shit, it's usually like uh 700 megabyte file if you get that whatever that compression is but van damme is so strong yeah that it's actually less well he's done exactly the amount of movies that in that

compression they all fit perfectly on a fucking uh a blu-ray i think or like one blu-ray one blu-ray or one uh one of the one. Or one HD DVD or something. I did the math a couple years ago. But you could have every single... You could have the Van Damthology on... Is he in any movies where he's not the star? Expendables. Yes.

Expendables, yeah. Yeah, there's plenty of movies where he's not the star. In fact, his first role is just some sort of background bad guy in No Retreat, No Surrender 3, Bloodhound Brothers. Or Blood Brothers. Bloodhound Brothers was a pun I made about that movie seven years ago. No Retreat, No Surrender 3, Bloodhound Brothers is the complete title of that movie? No, the complete title of the movie is No Retreat, No Surrender 3, Blood Brothers. Okay.

But I said Bloodhound Brothers one time as a pun. Bloodhound Gang. Yeah. That's where it comes from. Yeah. No, but Time Cop is one of the greatest. Time Cop is a legit good movie. I also had the game for Super NES. Yeah. What I love about Time Cop is it was made in, I think, 1993 and so uh is this distracting should i turn this off we're we should a introduce jp we should uh stov's also here but he did we got just pete mcdade in the place to go make a mess out of the kitchen after i just cleaned up your messy ass kitchen the kitchen was fucking halfway clean. You need the... What do you mean?

I fucking get a cup of water You can't use the same cup you used a fucking hour ago. I don't have a cup, bitch. You had one. You came in. I saw you fucking rifling through the cabinets.

Where's the cup I had, bitch? Your stubby fucking fingers. Where's the cup? Tearing all the knobs out of the cabinets. Find it. There was no cup. God damn it, dude.

Because everything was fucking dirty because your fucking ass is dirty. You're disrespecting your Vitamix. You got fucking shit caked on right now. Well, all we need to do is just see what has chocolate on it. My shit's clean, dude. Because the sink was filled to shit. Because you come over here and use nine fucking cups.

You're out of your mind. You're like, why am I pissing all the time? Blame it on me, bitch. Your filthy ass fucking apartment. Anyhow, so... Time Cop. Here's why Time Cop's good. your filthy ass fucking apartment. Anyhow, so, uh, he, he, what, Time Cop, here's why Time Cop's good.

Um, turn it off though, probably. Yeah. Turn it off the sound of music. Somebody mentioned, I think I mentioned the sound of music on the last one, so I put it on in the background. My dear.

I thought, you know, to be honest with you, I thought it would look better on this TV, and it really doesn't. It looked good. It looked good. Those opening, like, uh,

alpine shots looked good. Yeah. I'll watch this by myself, and then I'll have plenty to complain about later. It looked good. Those opening, like, alpine shots looked good. Yeah. I'll watch this by myself, and then I'll have plenty to complain about later. No, we'll watch it. We'll watch this together, the boys. Yeah. We're going to watch that. JP, the plan was we're going to go to a drive-in movie theater and hold hands in our 57 Chevy

Bel Air and hold hands, and we're going to watch Meet Me in St. Louis and kiss in the front seat. What's Meet Me in St. Louis? It's about, there's a cop, right? Is it about Nelly? and Kiss in the front seat. What's Meet Me in St. Louis? There's a cop, right? Is it about Nelly? There's a boy who steals a cigarillo. You have to know where this one's going.

There's a cop. He's a good man. He's minding his own business. Just walking a beat. No, it's another Judy Garland movie. I picture you guys all in the car Just like taking off Your varsity jackets And giving them To each other Yeah

No Stubbs Stubbs in full Poodle skirt Pink lady No It's like I'm more of a jock The scene is

It's a cop Taps on the window And we roll it down And then all simultaneously While wearing each other's Letterman jackets backwards Like Hank Scorpio We look at the cop

And go Nothing And that's what happens in college we used to smoke weed in the bathrooms and uh nice we'd always hell yeah dude we'd always i didn't know you were cool do you have a spoof holy shit dude this is that's so cool how did you make that wait is that a blow tube you call it a spoof yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah dry sheets weird new england slang towel roll yeah yeah dry sheets a spoof? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get some weird New England slang. Dryer sheets and a paper towel roll. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dryer sheets, paper towel roll.

A spoof in New England is when you rig up a fucking pressure cooker. That's what they call a spoof. It's actually one of our deep pressure slurs. It's actually one of our duct tape all over his pressure cooker and filled with gasoline. We have old slurs from the 18th century that we use. The spoof is one of them, so I got a little thrown off. Did you have relatives at the Salem witch trials? Not that we talk about This bitch is one of them, so I got a little thrown off. Did you have relatives in the Salem witch trials?

Not that we talk about. A lot of shame. Yeah, for the listener, JP's old New England. Are you really? No, no, no. My whole family's from Brooklyn. So I'm actually cool.

I was actually here before any of you guys. So your family's like Arcade Fire type people? Yeah, yeah. Like First Strokes album, Greenpoint. They're like Strokes. I did like the Strokes in high school, dude.

Dude, I still like the Strokes. I touched titties while listening to the Strokes. I'll never forget it. I love the Strokes. Anyhow, back to Time Cop. What makes Time Cop good? God forbid we talk about our guests. I just want to make my fucking point about Time Cop.

The reason you have a guest on a show is in case the conversation runs dry and then you throw it to them. Right. Yeah, we're like, go to the well. Go to the Time Cop well. Tell us about some unspeakable things you've done for our podcast for zero dollars. Where's Ian? Let's talk about him.

Have you fucked any trannies? I've not. Or trans? Get Ian. You already said it. Oh, I mean trans. I meant to say, have you ever fucked those disgusting people? I don't think they're disgusting.

I'm on record as being pro. Oh, I didn't mean to say trannies, which I definitely said and meant. Anyway, Time Cop. Oh, now you want to talk about Time Cop. Yes, I do. All right. Yeah, what makes Time Cop cool? I think it's from like 1994.

And so the premise is, there's a guy in 94, and then he uses, they make a time machine that goes to 2004, which is so funny that, like, they would have a time machine

and they'd only go, you can wait 10 years. Yeah, 10 years is not... You don't need a time machine for 10-year spans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go back to, you know, help Hitler.

They gotta have Motorola razors now. Yeah, right. Well, so in 1994, 1994 you know it's the 90s they got rid of the 80s mullet nobody has a mullet anymore and then when they go forward to 2004 mullet's back we're gonna yeah he predicted that the mullet would come back yeah yeah and then it's just that it's a cyclical some movies do like a an okay job predicting the future you know like back to the future is like that where it's like obviously you know there's not you know floating cars but like the hoverboards

are kind of like segways that like sort of make sense and like all of europe saw time cop and they're like well i guess we need to grow out some disgusting policy yeah exactly like uh we want to be like uh time cop the movie is historically accurate but yeah no Time Cop fucks it up completely the one that's the best is Minority Report yeah Minority Report you watch it

and it looks like it came out a month ago computers are gonna be like Minority Report right they already are they should do like the fucking they already are

that's what an iPad is yeah yeah but it's like more like conducting like you're a conductor at a symphony orchestra you can still do that that's probably how you use an iPad.

Yeah. You're probably at home making gay-ass wrist motions. Well, pretty soon everyone's going to have to do gay wrists. That's true. To be good at computers. That's absolutely right. See? Oh, yeah.

Total Recall wasn't bad about the future, guys. It got a lot of stuff right, you know? Total Recall's a great movie. I love that shit, dude. Yeah. I should have put it on Total Recall. We'll watch that instead of Sound of Music. I just watched it.

Maybe something else. Based on... Let's watch Predator. Total Pre-Com. Predator sucks, dude. What? Predator is a fucking shitty movie. What?

Yeah. It also looks really bad. I've never seen it. I want to see it. I was really into it when I was eight. Really? Before I saw it, so that's probably how you know it's a bad movie. Yeah.

That's a telltale sign of a bad movie is if a child likes it. There's a part where they're just shooting trees with a.50 cal machine gun. Honestly, that's still pretty cool. Yeah, when he's got that, when he's like carrying around the minigun. He's supposed to be on a tanker.

Yeah, I relate to that character, whoever that is, because he's strong like I am. Yeah. I'm to that character, whoever that is, because he's strong like I am. Yeah. I'm very strong. Anyway. No, that... Did Jean-Claude Van Damme, like...

I remember when I was a kid, there was something on the news about him fucking his wife in the bathroom of, like, a McDonald's or something. What's wrong with that? Yeah. Well, the problem is that he spanned the tops of three stalls to do the splits. Yeah, this is true. Yeah. He's doing the splits on top of the stalls and dropping his dick into the middle one in front of a bunch of families. He had one leg up on the sink and the other one on that koala changing station.

The baby changing station. And he was blocking the entrance and his wife was sucking his dick. There's a guy teaching his son how to use the toilet and his dick just dropped down like a spider bad move bad move to use the bathroom

while I'm trying to do splits he's got a sexy daughter JCVD yeah there's a new show with him out that's apparently

that's like a comedy show where it's kind of self-aware, plays himself kind of. Oh, I'm tired of those. Didn't Joey from Friends do it? He's like in a Louie. Yeah, yeah. He's in the Jean-Claude Van Damme Louie. Have we talked about how bad the Rob Schneider Louie is? I've seen it.

Yeah, it's very bad. Yeah, you started talking about how shitty it was On Bobby Kelly's podcast And then Bobby was like Yeah I'm friends with him And then you were like Oh I mean No I did not bitch No I mean

I mean it's good It's a good show I'm sorry Bobby First of all Fuck off I'm sitting right there I completely stood my ground Here untangle these

There's some weird noise Rob Schneider is like An anti-vaxxer Tea party guy He's like weird His daughter sings a song like a anti-vaxxer tea party guy his daughter sings a song sings that one of the oh yeah she has that big hit

but did you do that thing that was like listen I'm sure he's a great guy of course I did yeah I did that he did that so you immediately fucking started equivocating

his what he thought was safe criticism I said it was bad you're fucking mad you got dirty ass dishes don't take it out on me, bitch. Well, you're the one that made the dishes dirty.

I have never dirtied a dish in your gay ass house once in my life. God damn it. No, sorry. There's like some horrific noise that needs to... It's ruining the show. Oh, should we pause it real quick? No. No.

We should just let Adam untangle these. Was it... Do you think it did it the last show, too? No, it's fine now. Just don't fucking touch it. Okay. Stay there. Stay just like that.

Adam's holding the wire above his head. Let me take a picture of this. All right. Anyway, how's it sound now? Don't take a picture. The picture's going to make it worse. Oh, also, a shout-out. The electrical interference from the fucking camera.

Shout-out to our friends. You don't know shit about anything. Our friend Michael Foodie got married yesterday. He did? Yeah. Oh, congrats, Foodie who got married yesterday. He did? Yeah. Oh, congrats, Foodie. Jamel and Brandon. They finally legalized autistic marriage and Michael Foodie got married to his computer.

Numbers win. Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Minecraft Foodie. Who are now engaged in, I don't know, I like Michael. I don't know what I'm being mean to him. Yeah, maybe you shouldn't being mean to him. He's just like, Yeah, maybe you shouldn't be mean to people you like. He's just as socially awkward, or like less socially awkward than I am.

He's just smarter than me. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's why I'm making fun of him. It's because he's a smarter person than I am. I think anyone smarter than me is autistic. Yeah, right. Oh, yeah, for sure. Stephen Hawking's autistic ass.

Absolutely. He got a bed. He's paralyzed from it. Yeah. He can't even move. He went all. That's how it works. Stephen Hawking's Autistic Ass. Absolutely. He got a bed. He's paralyzed from it. Yeah. He can't even move. It went all the way down into his bones. It seeped from his brains into his bones. He's such a big nerd that he's paralyzed.

Yeah. It's a kind of a liquid. Autism is like a liquid. It's too much in your bloodstream. It's like Mojo in Austin Powers. Mojo means on the spectrum. Let me show you my train collection. It's not Mojo in Austin Powers. Mojo means on the spectrum. Let me show you my train collection. It's not going to fucking work.

Was the Mojo in all of them? No, I think it was only Austin who had the Mojo. Well, no, I mean in every one of the Austin Powers movies. Oh, no, I think it was only in the one. Oh, really? Spy Who Shagged Me? Yeah, the number two, gold member, the premise of that one was that, no, yeah, number two is the Spy Who Shagged Me, right?

Yeah. And the premise of that one was... It's the blonde lady with the big old titties. And number three, it was the interracial. Beyonce. Yeah. Forbidden love. You know, I was mad that they made Beyonce part of the Hillary Clinton campaign, but

they didn't make Austin Powers also part of it. Gold member was definitely a part of Donald Trump's campaign. Donald Trump is essentially gold member. Yeah. Well, he's Dr. Evil. Dude, how pissed do you think Jay-Z is that his wife fucked Austin Powers? Yeah. It's got to be really annoying.

Well, you know, she's so method that she had to fuck every cast member. It was full penetrative. Yeah. It's gotta be really annoying. Well, you know, she's so method that she had to fuck every cast member. It was full penetrative. Yeah. You know, the mini-me was actually, he made her life hell by putting his hands

up her skirt. And he thought he could get away with anything because he was so small. Do you guys see the Verne Troyer sex tape? No.

His little ass dick getting sucked is pretty funny. There is this Verne Troyer sex tape. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good for him. Yeah.

Did you guys ever watch that fucking reality show? The Surreal Life. Surreal Life. Surreal Life. I actually enjoyed that show, dude. It was a good show. Yeah. That was Flavor Flav and his giant wife.

I think they met there. They met on that television show. You're right. Her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's her name? Brigitte. She was Sylvester Stallone's wife.

Yeah, Brigitte Nielsen. I thought it was Brigitte. Leslie Nielsen. Proshoot. Leslie Nielsen. Yeah, he fucked Leslie Nielsen. Bridget Nielsen's wife? Yeah, Bridget Nielsen. I thought it was Brigitte. Leslie Nielsen. Prachute. Leslie Nielsen. Yeah, he fucked Leslie Nielsen. Eric Estrada was in it. Yeah. Mini-Me was in it.

Yeah. Wasn't there a hot woman also? Yeah, it was that big tit bitch something, Bianca. Yeah, big ass titties. Some shit. Ron Jeremy was on it. That's right. Oh, there was a fucking...

Oh, Charo. Charo was on it That's right Oh there was a fucking Oh Charo Charo was on it Shaja Gabor There was a black Judy Garland There was a really hot black Like playmate And another

Who almost fucked Who almost fucked Yeah And Rob Van Winkle Robin Givens Rob Van Winkle was on it too That's right Oh yeah yeah yeah

That's hilarious Let's not say what Everyone knows his actual name is. Vanilla Ice. Vanilla Ice. Why don't you call him Vanilla Rice? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good one.

Vanilla Rice. Vanilla Rice. Ron Jeremy was on a show that I did. It was like a live. It's First Comes Love. It's like live porn scripts. Oh, yeah, yeah porn so we're all just fucking around like we have the scripts in our hands we're acting out these dumb porn scenes

that were like submitted by real porn writers and ron jeremy was like the special guest completely off book like he took it so seriously he was like racing his lines and everything really stage and then he just like acted the shit out of this scene really at the very end did he nail it yeah he didn't pull the hog out though this scene. Really? Did he nail it? Yeah, he didn't pull the hog out, though. He didn't? No. That's going to cost extra.

He wouldn't do it because of that reason? I'm sure that would be it. How much does it cost to get Ron Jeremy to say, Don, oh my! I know it's not in his contract. How much does it cost to refer to him as Screech the entire show? Damn, dude. Did you guys ever hang out with Ron? No, he was very elusive.

He was surrounded by his entourage. His rontourage. His rontourage? Who's in the rontourage? You ever hear Norton tell that story about double teaming the girl with him? Oh, yeah. That's a good story. That's a good story.

Let's just tell it third hand. Well, I mean, he told it on the Graham Norton show. I'm talking about Graham Norton. Graham Norton? Yeah, Graham Norton. The guy with AIDS? Is he a man? I just thought he was British.

Wait, no. Is it Norton antivirus? Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. There we go. Now you're getting out of the jokes. That's why we got JP in the middle. Pow, pow, pow.

Roast battle participant. The Roastmaster himself. Is there going to be a coup if you guys kill Jeff Ross? Who gets to be the new Roast Master? It's like that show Lone Survivor. There's a roaster located underneath the comedy store in case everyone else dies. Yeah. Hell yeah.

He takes over the roast community. The Secretary of Education. Yeah, if you bros don't know about Japes, my man out here writing good-ass roast jokes. Occasionally, bitch. So check him out. He's also funny as hell. You were on this season? Yeah, I was on the New York episode, but I wasn't on the tournament.

Who did you fight? Yamanika Saunders. Oh, yeah. You know where I want to be on? I want to be on that show, The Nick. Me too. They have comedians on there. Papa was on it. i have the same name

as the show you can't copyright a title so that could be like the title of your reality show that just follows you around you can't copyright a title no so i could have a show called the sopranos yo can we change the name of this podcast to the sopranos i feel like there's so bad there's got to be a million shitty long island they're like yeah we're gonna have a podcast called the sopranos and they don't understand why it's so funny yeah absolutely yeah just what i said there was this i told you about mike diesel fucking shooting that sketch that one time when i come into wise acres and it's fucking mike diesel and basil white and like leonard i don't know some other fat moron and they're like shooting a sketch

where they've like had all this spaghetti made hell yeah they're sitting and they're like fucking pretending to be mobsters like he's like a pass a rigatoni or whatever and it's i couldn't there's no discernible jokes in the sketch or whatever and afterwards diesel's just walked around pasta sauce all over his fucking stupid face and he's like yeah we're actually we're gonna go viral with this you know it's like 2004 2005 he has no idea what that term means yeah we're actually planning on this going viral uh so that's where most of the popularity is going to come from is just going viral we're gonna put it on youtube and it's just gonna get more more hits for no reason. Yeah, yeah. Wait, so he, wait, was Basil White the guy that, the autistic guy? That's a detective ass name.

Yeah, Basil was, Basil's this, he was like another big fat Wiseacres guy that would do these awful one liners. Oh yeah, the one liner guy, that's right. And was just like so smug and not particularly cond condescending but very much like a smug guy who like taught comedy and just wasn't you know particularly good at it uh we gotta film that sketch where we eat a bunch of pasta yeah i mean if we did it it would be ironic yeah yeah that's the key i'm not even kidding we literally you recognize that you have no ability to write any kind of scripted comedy oh Oh, well, thanks a lot.

I just want to thank Cum Nation for all the really positive, supportive comments we got on the pilot episode of the Cumtown web series we dropped yesterday. We honestly, it took us six months to write that. And I was actually there the whole time, but it was part of the humor that I wasn't on camera. I mean, there's probably going to be four or five more episodes by the time this airs yeah oh that's true yeah that's a good point is it serialized does it pick up where episode one left off yeah uh yeah there's a three we have like yeah we don't want to spoil anything but one of the characters finds out they have lung

cancer so they start having to sell meth they quit their job as a chemistry teacher to sell meth. It might be me. Because you can't copyright the script for a show. No. It's true. So when his friend George Costanza shows up to help him sell the meth. Yeah, right. He lets his match up every show of all time. And you want to be my meth salesman.

So basically, my character, his name is Walter Tony Soprano White he comes in and he goes damn Gina yeah my character Omar Little will come in

and assassinate you at any moment he shoots him and then he goes did I do that yeah guys we really got we're really on

something here ah fuck you know what we should have we should have a guy on our podcast that says Bababooey Guys, we're really on something here. Ah, fuck. You know what we should have? We should have a guy on our podcast that says Baba Booey. You know what the origins of Baba Booey, the story of that? No. It was a guy saying something fucked up one time, and they kept the joke going for 30 years.

I thought Baba Booey was a guy. Baba Booey is a guy. It became his name, right? It became his name, yeah. He was a producer on the show. He said something? Yeah, I was a producer on the show. Yeah, it was a I forget who what the guy's actual name was but he fucking like he I mean he was the producer of the show Right, what's his fucking real name? Steve something. Yeah, he's got like black hair and big teeth. Oh, yeah Yeah, he's a producer on the show and he was fucking bragging about buying these like

animation cells, you know at like auction or something like Disney and from Disney and he's spending all his money on them and he's going through all of me he's like I look this one's Baba Booey and it's like some donkey his name's not Baba Booey at all like just spent all his money you know fuck yeah so they start calling Baba Booey and that's where that joke that's so and then Howard Stern was like I'm gonna pay you a hundred million dollars for the every year for the rest of your life just to be Baba Boo. Yeah.

Now, that's a dream gig. Yeah, dude. Stern is... Legends. That show is so good. Oh, he's the best. We've kind of modeled our show. Yeah, we're like...

We're probably the heirs to Stern. Yeah, we're like the new... Yeah, we need to get a fucking... We need to have porn stars come in here and just have them squirt all over the floor of the living room. They're not even on mic. Yeah, make them... Amber's coming home, and there's just a woman in the corner. And it's like,

now why don't you play with your breasts there for a second? Yeah, play with your pussy and your breasts. That's great. Well, why don't you shove the trombone in your pussy? Just radio. Sorry, we're broadcasting. Warp got a guy who's made himself mentally retarded from crack cocaine and he's gonna eat a eat a black woman's turd out of the stripper's pussy what a legend for comedy and then uh later we got a tiny dick contest. We have 15 men from Long Island that are going to show how small their dicks are.

That one isn't even a joke at all. No, that's all that happened. They're like, yeah, I got micro penis. You know, it's okay. Here it is. And they just show their fucking awful dicks. Hey Howard, big fan. Baba Booey got a micro dick.

It's hard enough to find 15 guys with micro penis and then to find 15 of those guys who were like, I'd do anything for Howard. They did that. Didn't he run for governor of Jersey or something? No, he ran for mayor of New York. And then he dropped out because he thought he was going to win. That's awesome.

And he respected it too much to go through with it. He literally would have won. He should have followed through on that. He literally would have won. He should have. He should have followed through on that. It would have been great. The whole city would have been like, you know. There would have been titties everywhere. Titties everywhere, dude.

Yeah, cool shit. Every woman would have gotten breast implants paid for by the government. Universal health care, but it only covers breast implants. Did you guys, when you were little kids, ever jack off to Howard Stern on e yeah we've talked we've talked about it okay JP how about you though yeah that's that's early bait material I remember that's like some of the only stuff that was on if you didn't have HBO oh yeah and the girls gone wild commercial the commercial on Comedy Central yeah show me where babies feed it was awesome is that what they say in the commercial i think stanhope says that steal drugs yeah show me where babies and she pulls her tits out it was awesome

dude that was a revolution in uh tit blur like they made it real subtle yeah yeah yeah you saw most of the tit yeah yeah it wasn't like cops where you saw just it was a jumbled computer mess you know you saw if you could get away with some sort of FCC thing where if you face swap the titties and the pussy. So it was just two pussies in front of the nipples, but then the pussy was the nipple. I would love to be at that fucking FCC hearing, like that Senate testifying scene in The Aviator.

What I don't understand is why one man can't revolutionize the way america beats off now if you excuse me i have a business to run because i am an american a bunch of light bulbs blowing up is that how cameras used to work yeah like light bulbs would just explode explode yeah yeah explode, yeah. Yeah. That's every picture, one light bulb exploded. Yeah, you would need such a fucking bright light that it would blow out the filament. Wow. Yeah.

I wouldn't visually, I wouldn't like to look at a tit with a pussy instead of a nipple, but I would love to fuck one. That would be awesome. You would fuck a woman in the chest? Dude, a titty with a pussy on it it's not intimate that's too much gear are you guys out of your minds you don't like titty fucking we talked about this I do not like to be fucking crazy waste of time oh you know how about you just get like nipples installed on your thighs

which are already like a woman's breasts. Dude, honestly, that's not a bad idea. Thigh milk could be like the hot new thing in Brooklyn that everyone's into. How would I fucking... Yeah, I could probably do that. Yeah. Honestly, though, my thighs are pretty soft, but they just have a little bit of hair. I guess I could wax them. Yeah, you should.

You should wax your thighs for speed. I'm a speed skater. I'm Apollo. Have you considered for diet exercise swimming? Like doing laps? I suck at swimming. You suck at swimming? What about synchronized swimming?

I'm very good at that, but not actual swimming. You should do laps. I think that's probably good exercise. Where the fuck am I going to go do laps? Maybe at the Astoria Pool. There's no Astoria Pool. JP, you seem like you have access to a pool. Join an Equinox.

Just pay $300 a month to join Equinox and you can swim there. Do you go to Equinox? No. No, I go to Blink, baby. You got a real job. You work for like Wall Street, don't you? Yeah, I got one of the Wall Street jobs. They just found out that I do roast battles, which is pretty uncomfortable.

Oh, shit. I got a phone call from my boss, and she was laughing at me. And she was like, well, congratulations. What are you going to do now? Okay, so as long as you guys are cool with me insulting a large black woman on TV, I'm just going to keep working here until you fire me. Yeah, 100% they're okay with it. Isn't that the business model of Wall Street? You just steal from large black women some way?

Well, one thing I do know about investing is that money never sleeps. You do a beer bong. What was that name? Money does never sleep. Money never sleeps. It's true. Except at 5 p.m. when the markets close.

Yeah. How much Coke have you done in the office? I've never done any blow and I feel kind of let down. Wait, never in your life? Never in my life. Are you a stockbroker

or are you just like an actuary? No, I'm like a back office guy. I do like compliance, making sure we don't send money to Iran, basically. Oh, okay. Well, interesting. But it's not nearly that exciting.

It's very, very boring. Did you go to school for numbers? No, I'm actually pretty bad at numbers. I went to school as a history major. So you're just like a white person. I'm just a white person who was wound up in finance. Just fell ass backwards and do a comfortable job.

You know how that's easy to do for most people in America? That's how it is. That's what everyone does. I just imagine you going into that office like the pursuit of happiness guy with your son and locking yourself in the bathroom. No, he got the job instead of the pursuit of happiness. I know, but I'm saying like imagine if a white person had to... They don't have to do...

Instead of a son, I just had a bow tie and they hired me. You've been inside of Brooks Brothers enough times to get the job. He left his son in the bathroom while he went for the interview? Is that what happened in that movie? I don't know. I only saw the trailer. I don't know anything about that movie. They sleep in a bathroom. I think that's what that scene is.

Oh, yeah, yeah. They sleep in the bathroom. Don't they spell happiness wrong, too, in the title? Yeah, well, no, but it's on purpose. It's to make fun of Chinese people. Yeah. They just throw an extra L in there. What if it's just like the least woke movie of all time?

Yeah. Which is hilariously problematic. I'm trying to get this job at the racism factory. I done come up with the best slurs for Chinese people. Y'all done never done seen. Y'all seen these Plunkos running around? Plunkos is good. Plunkos.

Plunkos isn't a bad slur. That sounds like an Eastern European type of Chinese, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a Kazakh would be a Plunko. Mongolian. Yeah. Like Colonel Plunko took over Estonia and ruled with an iron fist.

Right. Until they all died of radiation poisoning. Like a Romanian dictator. Although, you know what? Plunko, I think, might be like a disabled Polynesian person or a Pacific Islander. Like you plunk in the water when they try to surf? Yeah, yeah yeah yeah

they call them plunkos yeah yeah is there yeah well water scares them i was joking around with a friend of mine about the australian refugees where i was like yeah they're trying to send over 2 000 refos and then refos my friend my friends from melbourne was like how'd you know that i was like what are you talking about he's like yeah, yeah, that's what we call refugees. Yeah, we've already come up with that slang. We just add O to the end of it. We just add O at the end, yeah. So wait.

So anyway, Obama said we could send over like 2,000 refos. No, please. Please don't hang up. Donald. Please don't say kangaroos. That's the only slur we don't say. Yeah. What are you, some sort of sailor?

Have you ever tossed a midget onto a Velcro bullseye? God, I saw Wolf of Wall Street and I was like, I wish all this stuff was still true. It's so good. How great is it that Aaron Glazer's in that movie? Oh shit, he is. He's just the guy in the background?

Let me find out years later that he was method acting as a stockbroker yeah i guess i got the joker do another cut and just like uh photoshop a vagina over his face in the scene that he's in he has a pussy face Fuck man I'm fucked up From eating Oklahoma diet For 48 hours My stomach hurts

What did you eat down there What's the food down there It was awful It was a casino food Have you done that place That casino Dude It is the

Shittiest buffet I've ever been to In my entire life But it's so bad You're like Ah I gotta see what's next It's pretty funny I gotta fucking put this

Sushi that has gelatin In it in my fucking body. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lo mein is just spaghetti with teriyaki sauce on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's all ethnically divided, their buffet. Oh, it's like a trip around the world. Right, yeah. So it's like Asian.

They have mashed potatoes and they put Skittles in it so you can taste the rainbow. Well, there's one that's like, isn't there one that's just like other? Well, Italian just has like chicken. Yeah, lobster bisque. Lasagna, L-A-Z-Z-A-N-Y-A. They didn't have the rights to lasagna. Yeah, dude, the food there was fucking shit. Oh, the steaks were good.

Steakhouse was killer. Well, they have a nicer restaurant in there for the high rollers. Yeah. The people that are on them big time slots you win some dough and i don't see no i don't gamble i'm not i don't gamble either that's why that shit was fucking i played i played the slots for like five seconds and i'm like this does nothing for me yeah you just you know you lose money it's a fucking business you had 20 unless you know how to play poker you know how to fucking play blackjack there's no reason to go to a fucking casino yeah i'm trying to set up a poker night hell yeah

you play poker absolutely yeah a little hold'em yeah i uh i was on a cruise ship and they had a little casino on board and i went to a slot machine and i didn't know how to use it so i just like pressed the button one time and i had no idea what happened and then like six weeks later i got a check in the mail from carnival cruise for like 17 dollars that i won on that one poll whoa hell yeah dude you're rich as fuck so that's how it's done yeah dude just don't know what you're doing yeah i went to the mgm grand in detroit and uh casinos in detroit yeah it's just the gm grand yeah yeah that wasn't a casino grant. Yeah, yeah. It's just a plant. That wasn't a casino. That was an assembly. Yeah, I went to the assembly plant, and it's a gamble whether you get your paycheck or not.

Oh, I busted. My job's going to Mexico. I'm just pulling levers for a second. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with these slots? Some guy's dick is stuck in a machine. His beard in a conveyor belt. A bunch of Pontiacs. He's like, turn it off man please

it's just eminem and his black co-worker stamping things it's him fucking britney murphy behind a fucking outside that was an outdoor no it was inside dude it was inside the building i think it was inside it was inside the building but it was oh yeah no those are your two options inside or outside don't try to fucking it was there's a spectrum of inside and outside don't try to fucking figure out a way there's a spectrum of inside and outside it was kind of an

outside sex scene no what do you mean kind of an outside sex you fucking piece of shit I think it was kind of you derail what I'm saying is it in a gazebo

no it was like it was next to shelves right didn't they fuck next to shelves shelves makes it near outside yeah like outdoor shelves kind of you're fucking stupid

shit they're near a window is that what you mean maybe that's an argument yeah i don't know if there's a window i still think they were outside one of the hardest i've ever laughed i was in uh i was in home depot with my friend matt one time and matt's like uh yeah i don't know why he doesn't really look like a home depot employee but he's like a black guy and this fucking like older white lady comes up to him and she's like excuse me i'm looking for this type of uh you know um she had like two things in her hand she's like do you have more of these and matt like without a beat he's just smiling he's like oh yeah sure follow me and i watch him and he walks in the aisle and this woman starts following him and then i'm like on the other side of the aisles and i see him just sort of walk this way and this lady's

following him and he just keeps walking all the way to the other end of the aisles and I see him just sort of walk this way and this lady's following him and he just keeps walking all the way to the other end of the store and like eventually she just stops following him after like 15 feet and I'm like crying laughing this dumb bitch like follow him halfway across the store when like what she

was asking for was like literally right in front of us he's like oh yeah sure no problem follow me like didn't miss a beat no he was wearing like mark echo like a mark echo fucking sweatsuit he's like um excuse me dad man that shit was so fucking funny i love that shit yeah there was this guy we were i forget where we were i think we were like crispy cream or something and there was like a worker whose name was Dennis, but spelled with one N. Yes, D-N-U-S.

Yeah, I was like, call this guy D-N-U-S. But before he could even finish processing what I was saying, he was like, what's up, man? D-N-U-S? It's D-N-U-S, right? I was wondering if... The guy just had this dumb look on his face. D-N-U-S. What's up, man?

DENIS is DENIS, right? Yeah, so I was wondering if... Can we get one of these, an extra one? You know one? Oh, fuck. Oh, we need more backup name tags for DENIS? Yeah. He keeps getting vandalized.

My son's name is also DENIS. Yeah, dude. That guy's hilarious. Dinas with the sweet penis. That's what I would be named if I was named Dinas. Man, I'm getting hungry again. What do you want to eat, my dude? I don't know. I just had pizza for breakfast.

Yeah, I know. My fucking stomach just hurts, dude. There wasn't any vegetables. Everyone was sad in that casino. You trying to be healthy? I'm trying, but it's not going good. I need to drink more coffee, I think. I don't think so. I think my coffee levels are fucked up.

Get your metabolism going. Yeah. Well, I got used to drinking two pots a day. You really drank two pots of coffee? Four pots. The doctor said you should have six pots a day. That's very Scandinavian. Yeah.

Well, the Scans are the most healthy people in the world absolutely dude they're just blonde and fucking yeah all and shit it's not a good health they all row to work yeah you know that's what's kind of funny about like the nazi like they're the master race thing is they're kind of right what do you mean you mean? You know? You look at them, you look at them, and you're like, well, they are right. That is the master race.

No, they're way doughier than they were projected in film. They're all just little, people in little shorts on bikes. Leather shorts? That's the master race? No, not Germans.

The fucking Scandinavians. All Nazi propaganda. It was like, that's not what you look like. You know, that's not you. That's not what German people look like. If you're responsible for that much metal, you're not the master race. You're saying that the...

I agree with that. Black metal is trash. Oh, yeah, it's bad. It's very bad. But wait, so you're saying that the Scandinavians are the master race. Yeah, well, that's what they're all... The Germans projected themselves. Yeah, they were pretending.

Jesse Owens beat everyone at the Olympics. Yeah, that's true. They're good at hockey. Black people are the master race. That's what I'm saying, bro. LeBron. Black people are OP in the athletics category. No, dude, we got Neil deGrasse Tyson, too.

Yeah, but he's shit at sports. He's just a nerd. He was a wrestler. He was strong. Yeah, have you seen him back in the day? That picture of him playing bass? Yo, he wrestles with the bass players? That was before he learned science. He learned science. You. Have you seen him back in the day? That picture of him playing bass? Yo, he wrestles with the business of the universe. That was before he learned science.

And he learned science. You can only choose one. I lost all that. It was a reverse Captain America situation where he decided to become a bigger nerd. Yeah. Trade my muscles for more knowledge of stars. Yeah, I'm going black as Master Race. Yeah.

Yeah, of course. They got the coolest... Culturally speaking, everyone tries to just ape their shit, right? But that wouldn't have happened if they weren't, like, because they became that way because they were oppressed. Yeah. Because Africans aren't cool. I mean, Africans are just silly. That's true. Yeah, they're pretty good.

Yeah. I mean, Africans are, like, in terms of coolness, they're on par with Persians and Italian Italians. Real Italians. Yeah. You're right. They're funny. Real southern Italians. Yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they're like... Like Furio. Yeah, they're comparable to Persians, where they're maybe kind of cool, but still goofy. Hey, cool guy. Yeah, right. Exactly. Real Africans just... Well, Persians are like, they're obsessed with the club and fucking wearing cologne and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. maybe like kind of cool but still like goofy cool guy yeah right exactly real africans just well

persians are like they're obsessed with the club and fucking wearing cologne and shit yeah africans are like that yeah right you're like that and weapons and mass africans africans are basically they're persians that wear sandals persians wear sandals no no they wear dress shoes they were like yeah yo i know what i saw the movie the other day? Do you remember Dress Sandals? No. Do you remember they were like Italian loafers, but they had cutouts. Yeah. And it was like, you know, you wear a full suit with the dress sandals.

God damn it. They really didn't. A double-breasted suit, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. I watched that movie Dressed to Kill, the Brian Palmer movie. I haven't seen it. The cop is wearing dress sandals it's a power move

to have your feet exposed in meetings you should do that on the wall street I do I suck my own toes that's cool that's cool

it's an intimidation effect yeah like a baby wasn't that that SNL sketch is the baby and the guy just does the

physics of a baby oh yeah yeah trying to pick up the phone and just slam you that's the kind of dumb shit that's fucking hilarious yeah oh yeah yeah trying to pick up the phone and just slamming that's the kind of dumb shit that's fucking hilarious i know yeah yeah what's your face as sean spicer when uh the the podium starts going rogue and that's the hardest i've laughed at snl in like five years

i didn't watch it it's everyone's saying it's really good yeah i should have probably watched i don't watch it i watch dumb i I watch like fucking Steven Seagal movies Yeah You know The Sound of Music Meet Me in St. Louis That's my watch list Meet Me in St. Louis

Just guy shit Yeah guy shit dude You know What was that TV show About like the accidents The maximum exposure Yeah yeah Oh that was my shit

I think we talked about that On the podcast It was real TV It was maximum exposure And then it became real TV? Trigger Happy TV. No, that was a sketch show. Trigger Happy TV was great. You fucking moron.

Hello! Yeah. The big cell phone. Oh, yeah. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. That was good as shit. That show was hilarious. But that big cell phone thing didn't make sense.

Why would you need to scream into it? Well, because it's a big cell phone. It's big, dude. No. It makes perfect sense, man. Come on. Man, it doesn't track. It's fucking bullshit.

That's bad sketch writing. That is bad sketch writing. Del Close says, if you have a big phone, you don't need to yell. If you want to take my master class, I saw a YouTube ad for a master class on creating digital music by Deadmau5 that plays before YouTube videos. He's like, you know, you want to fucking make music, you got to fucking make music. Don't be a fucking bitch.

You can sit at home and not make the fucking music or you can fucking make the music, you fucking bitch idiot. Curse Bros are the new thing. And it's like YouTube masterclasses. What the fuck was that? Who's signing up for that? You get bullied into making shitty music by a dead mouse? Somewhere in Silicon Valley, like last year, some word got out that cursing makes your

message more effective. And now every idiot with a drone is putting that in their ads. Have you ever seen the Kino Body guy? No. That's a thing? He's like this super jacked Canadian bro. And he's like, you're doing all your fucking exercises fucking wrong. If you want to stop working out like a fucking retard, do it like this.

Dude, I'm actually kind of intrigued. Yeah. I want to know what I'm doing wrong. Well, I think there was an article, you're right, probably two years ago, that said people that curse a lot are more trustworthy. Yeah, that's so intelligent. As somebody that curses all the time, I can guarantee you I am not trustworthy. I just don't know how to speak.

Yeah, it's like also... I don't know how to articulate the words or thoughts in my head, so I have to say fuck every other sentence. Also, that's not true. How many fucking stupid, poor, like, trash, white trash curses all the time? That's more trustworthy than people that will fucking steal your fucking hubcap. Oh, excuse me. I was wondering if you could fucking let me borrow your fucking cell phone for a second. Also, your hubcaps.

You get better reception. Yeah, let me see your keys real quick. Yeah, yeah. I'm just trying to look at them. Yo, I saw this David Blaine fucking shit. I want to recreate it, but you got to give me $20. You guys will appreciate this being from Baltimore. When I was in Baltimore on a field trip, like in high school.

Hell yeah, dude. And there was this guy by the Inner Harbor, this white guy with like a full sean john denim suit on thank you and like a sick hat thank you and then um he asked my eighth grade friend he's like hey man can i use your cell phone and my friend just gives him his cell phone to talk to for like three minutes he starts chatting with his mom and he's like now talk to daddy no more. Daddy a asshole. Can I have my phone back, please? Wait, he just literally did want to use the phone? He just wanted to catch up. That's so awesome that that wasn't a scam.

That he just saw some fucking child. And he's like, can I hold your phone to catch up with my mom? How great it would be if it's like he takes a phone and then you just hear, you've reached AOL movie phone. For high noon, press one. I'm trying to see move on real quick.

I don't know what the time is. Yo, this shit heartwarminger than a motherfucker. Remember that Seinfeld when Kramer was pretending to be movie phone? That was awesome. Yeah.

Why don't you just tell me what movie? That was so good. Damn, remember having to call that shit in, dude? Damn, different times, boys. Well, I remember looking up movie times in the paper. I never did use movie phone. That was like a weird future thing for me. Did you used to skip movies? Did you used to go see three movies or something, pay for the first one

and then look in the paper with the times? No, because I would always just go to the movies with my mom. I used to go with my friend Alex and we'd go see three movies. Yeah, I did that one time

with my friends for the first time after only going with my parents. I'm like, this is so dirty what we're doing. This is wrong. Were you hard?

Very, very. It felt so bad. But we saw like, we used to see the fucking Crash League of Tiger and Hidden Dragon. Never seen it. The mummy. Seen it. very very it felt so bad here but we saw like we see the fucking crashing tiger hidden dragon the never seen the mummy uh seen it uh scorpion i would get i would get bored i went i went to two movies in a row one time i'm like i can never do this again yeah i gotta be hung over shit and

and like high and just eating like seamless all fucking day you know like i'll watch five movies on a hungover day but yeah you know if i'm feeling good i don't know, like I'll watch five movies on a hungover day, but you know, if I'm feeling good, I don't watch. Oh, at home I'll watch, I'll watch like fucking four or five movies in a day. But you haven't seen anything. Yeah.

I'm talking about going to the theater. I can't sit in a theater all day long. It's kind of fun. I mean, I just want to eat all that popcorn. I've never walked out of a movie. Really? I just enjoy sitting in the theater.

I saw a lot of art mall cops after the whole thing. I've fucking, I've walked out of one movie ever and it was because my friend forced me to walk out with him. For whatever reason, my friend Justin,

his parents took us to the movies and they went to see George of the Jungle and we went to see House of Sand and Fog. With Ben Kingsley? Are you serious? I think that's what it was. I think they took his little sister to see George of the Jungle

and we were like we're not fucking watching this so we went to see I think I was like let's go see House of Sand and Fog and what

he's like not enough fog we're walking out of even worse than that we're watching and there was like one sex scene with Jennifer Connelly that came and went

and he was like well if we're not gonna see you naked at this point it's not gonna happen let's leave and he just like gets up and like drags me with him and i'm like i'm watching this what did what did you do for the rest of it i don't know we just went out to lobby there was some that kid that kid was such a fucking like i was a bad kid but that kid was just a fucking piece of shit he was adopted and so he was like by the time he was 10 he was like six two bigger than his parents.

Hell yeah. Morbidly obese. Hell yeah. Just an absolute fucking bully. And he was so mean that it was so funny. His sister had this antique dollhouse, I remember, in the basement. And Justin just had a crowbar one day that he was going around with. And you see him fucking weighing the crowbar in his hands.

You know he's going to do something bad. And then fucking he's looking at the dollhouse and he's like hello anybody home and just smashes through one of the windows with the crowbar i just start fucking laughing i like that he did it like a regular b and e yeah yeah yeah it's the cable guy he's like what's going on in here and he's just fucking wiggling the crowbar just destroying the tall house just smashing out all the windows oh yeah he's like corey you're supposed to clean this shit up you know you leave the toys out destroying it and then you know she she comes down there and she's seeing it she's like crying her eyes out and i'm fucking like

hyperventilating laughing she goes to the parents they're like there's nothing we can do i'm fucking just because he's such a piece of shit to witness somebody just operate with look you can see look how naked this guy is where's the street he's got no blinds everyone can see this guy's dick oh yeah he's dick oh yeah the girl. You and the girl. Hell yeah, dude. Whoa, that girl's hot. Oh, shit. Yeah, she's got big tits. She's hot. This is tight. Why are they having...

They have curtains, dude. Oh, they're putting their clothes on. That sucks. No, no. This is deliberate. No, put your... Yo, that was tight. This is like that movie Rear Window.

This is like Seinfeld. That's insane. I guess they didn't realize that... Can you see these people, Amber? Yeah. Whoa, I just missed his dick. Oh, she's leaving. Yeah, he's got a nice song.

Should we wave? No. No, Amber. You're on our cover. That's not the point. We're podcasting about this. You're on our podcast. He's jacking his dick.

Really? Yeah, he's walking down the hall jacking his dick and holding his ass. Hilarious. Oh, hilarious. He's doing one of these. They're going to call the police on us. Yeah, probably. Yeah's doing one of these. They're going to call the police on us. Yeah, probably. They call the police.

Because that guy just looked and saw you staring through the window like a fucking 12-year-old. Yeah. You got to be cool, man. First of all, I'm 30. Second of all, you know. I know. That's why I said like. Close your fucking blinds.

Man. Yeah, they have curtains anyhow. So this fight. You think we could go over there and like also have sex with that girl? He's trashing. Yeah, probably. He's trashing this girl's stuff. I'm dying laughing.

It's like the fun... Oh, one time his parents brought us to Cirque du Soleil, which was a mistake. I don't know why they fucking... You know, their shitty, cultureless fucking 12-year-old son, bring him to Cirque du Soleil, and Justin's sitting there the entire time chewing like a bag of Skittles. He's chewing the Skittles up and spitting them like forward into the dark

and we can't see where they're going but just the idea of him and he used to do this all the time we'd go to movie theaters and he'd spit and throw shit

at people in front of us what a monster yeah he was a bad guy what is he doing now I don't know he's probably dead anyhow so back

this fucking yeah they're back it's just the guy though oh come on so it's it's we're at Cir oh come on so it's uh it's uh uh we're at cirque du soleil he's spitting candy the entire fucking time and then uh we get to the the end of cirque du soleil and we're walking through the lobby area and we just hear like him there he is that's the guy and it's this fucking middle-aged woman and she's with her husband the husband looks

pissed off and she's like security where's security and she realizes that it's a boy it's this fucking middle-aged woman and she's with her husband. The husband looks pissed off and she's like, security, where's security? And she realizes that it's a boy. It's just a very large boy. And she's like, she turns around. Oh, we got a very powerful boy in the lobby. We need to take him down. She fucking turns around.

She's like, he's spitting all this candy stuck in her hair. Oh. She looks like one of those brownies that you get at the bodega. They get in his face and they try to you know

they realize they can't do anything because he's a 12 year old boy that's just enormous they're just like you're gonna apologize and he's like fuck you just breathe in his lady's face

Jesus Christ and they fucking can't do anything and he just fucking walks out was this your apprenticeship yeah for being a boy no I fucking hated that kid.

Really? Why were you friends with him? Because his mom was my mom's boss. Oh, God. So I had to fucking hang out with him. Oh, that's terrible. Yeah. Where did your mom work at the time?

NIH. She was like a secretary. That's brutal. She got, because the kid was, he went to the daycare center my mom worked at. And then she got him the job because it was like, oh, well, our children could be friends or whatever.

Brutal, so you were the hook. He wasn't a dick all the time. So his parents were research scientists? Yeah, and then they adopted this fucking monster boy. Where'd they adopt him from? I don't know, the internet? The garbage?

They grew him. They planted him in the yard. Hot local adopt. Is it a local adopt? Is it a fucking... Was he from somewhere else? I don't know. I can't remember.

Is he white? Yeah, he was white. He was white. Mostly white, I guess. Nice. I assume anytime somebody's adopted, you're always part not. Cherokee. Yeah.

Well, actually, he did claim to be part cherokee my friend uh my friend ethan this small jew uh he had an adopted brother from like latvia or some shit and he just had and ethan was just talking about his whole life his brother had such a monster dick he just like he just had such better genes than it was just like a muscular fucking sexy european jew terrible and it was just like and Ethan was just like this mush This is much of a human being with a little stick I knew a guy like that who was a twin and he like but his brother was just like three inches taller what a little better in every way

Well, he wasn't adopted. He's just no he's that's so much worse Yeah, you have the exact same DNA and something you're's just... No, he's not. That's so much worse. You have the exact same DNA, and something you're doing is bullshit. It's clearly not your genes. It's clearly the way you're living your life. You were just slightly closer to a microwave when you were born. Yeah, exactly. You're a little bit fucked up. He's just kicking your ass in the womb.

He was taking all your shit, dude. Yeah. Fuck. What are your twin bros up to today, dude? Is one more successful than the other i think the kid who was like the inferior one is like working for the cia now oh that's cool trying to take trying to make sure trump dies in jail deep state someone tweeted that the other day like a picture of him was like he will die in jail we're never gonna have that

satisfaction he's gonna be president for 12 years. I hope they extend term limits. He'll be president the rest of our lives. I'm kind of disappointed that the naked couple has left the window. I know. It's weird because whenever you see a naked person in real life,

you're like, why am I not fucking them? Absolutely. Even the man. If you're nude around me, I should be allowed to fuck you that's the rule i saw that at work around you yeah like just go knock on the door you know the rules that's what i would say we should go over there and ask the fuck it's on the girl you guys can we also fuck you? Hey, got your message. Yeah, I have right. Wait, you saw what it was? I saw it at work.

I saw a building right next to my building, very close, and I looked across the way, and it took me like five seconds to figure out what I was seeing, but it was a woman getting into the shower. She was naked. Nice, dude. I was just sitting at work. I was like, getting money, seeing tits. What the fuck? These people aren't even... It's not a high rise.

They're on the second floor of that building. They're walking around It's evening There's no way Their lights are on Their lights are on The lighting could not be better What the fuck are you doing He's doing Pilates

On the windowsill With his dick out I don't like him dude I don't like this guy I've decided I don't like him I don't like him either No he's like one of those

The girl's alright She's not that hot She had a big juicy butt. He's like a new age kind of guy. He's into spirituality and that kind of shit. How do you know this about him? I just know. He's just one of those guys that your girlfriend leaves you for.

A DJ and your close best friend? Yeah, a DJ and your best friend. Just normal shit like that. That happens to everyone. They get married and travel the world together. You know, it's just regular, regular normal shit. Well, you have a series of unfulfilling relationships with either... Girls that kind of look like her.

Yeah, girls that kind of look like her. Just like four or five different girls that kind of look like her. Damn. That's cold as ice. Sounds pretty cool. I mean, just, you know, your regular ass shit like that regular shit like that guy stuff guy stuff just guy talk just fucking beating off chyvon guys i wish you could beat off your heart i love i love the child i wish you could just beat off your you know be a cool character a character named chyvon martin jesus... You got a Trayvon character

that's really into the Chyv? Come on, dude. Yeah, he's wearing that shirt. What do you mean, come on, dude? That's a great character. Chyvon Martin. We should get that fucking

naked guy on the podcast and roast his ass. We should, dude. Because he's fucking... Light his ass up. He, like, knocks on the door wearing a full suit and we're like,

take it off. Take it off, dude. Take that fucking suit off, bitch. You're not going to be on a fucking podcast with Eddie closed on you, piece of shit. We're going to make fun of you. How dare you? Did he have a big dick? I didn't get to see it.

He had a big dick. Bigger than yours. I mean, it was, like, post-fuck, so it was probably, like... Oh, yeah, that real juiced-up post-fuck dick. Yeah, yeah. That's the best your dick looks. That's really the only time I look at my penis. Otherwise, I just...

I close my eyes any time I have to do it. I look at mine. I only do it after a cold shower. You do? Yeah. I read Russian literature, and I only look at my dick when it's completely shriveled. At the Schwitz, you go into the hottest room, and then they have this freezing cold pool. Is the hottest room for you the one with all the men in it?

Yes. You're gay. I want a gun that says you're gay. Can I get a... I'm going to fucking buy an airsoft gun and I'm going to get a Yakback and an airsoft gun and rig the trigger so it says you're

gay. Yakback was Home Alone 2 technology. I want one of those things. I want one of those guns. The talk boy, yeah. I want one of those guns that the Joker had that said bang, but it says you're gay. Yeah. I want a visual. That would be pretty easy to make.

Oh, like a flag gun kind of thing? Those of these would be pretty easy to make. Let's make them, dude. Ugh, whatever, yo. I'm not even gonna... You're gay. You're gay. That's what the gas actually did in the Tim Burton Batman is it made the whole town gay.

That's why they were smiling. It just made the parade better. They all had gay mouth. Yeah. It's now a gay better. They all had gay mouth. It's now a gay parade. The parade, yeah. The float game really stepped up. Well, my joke after Dark Knight came out that I used to do at open mics

that no one would ever laugh at is doing my Joker impression where I say, you want to know how I got these scars? And then you point to the scars on the side of his mouth and he goes, my dad's dick was this big. And then you point to the scars on the side of his mouth and he goes uh my dad's dick was this

big and then you create the visual that that's the dick was so wide it ripped his face open that's pretty good yeah but people didn't laugh because that's how heath ledger died and yeah they weren't ready to process it is yeah but you tried to suck off a fire hydrant he tried to dethrone the entire olsen twin yeah Yeah, why wasn't Olsen's twin involved? They were just friends. She found him dead, one of the Olsens.

They were texting. She was like, cut it out. Cut it out. Shaking his body. Wait, so Olsen and then Uncle Jesse and Uncle Joey

found him dead? I'm still laughing about Stobb thinking he was Uncle Jesse in high school. Not high school, dude. I was a thinking he was Uncle Jesse in high school not high school dude I was a little ass kid in fucking high school rock doodle fucking yeah yeah yeah

I was a rockabilly in high school Stav was like in high school he was like a greaser and he was rockabilly he was like wearing a leather jacket and he'd be walking down the hall 4 o'clock 2 o'clock 3 o' walking He'd be walking down the hall Four o'clock Two o'clock Three o'clock He'd be walking down the hall

Tweet-a-dee-dee-dee Tweet-a-dee-dee-dee Tweet-a-dee-dee-dee Pomade That's what he did The pomade took all your hair out Yeah A pack of Lucky Strikes

In your shirt Like Yeah Is that what rockabilly is? I thought it was like No rockabilly Rockabilly is like Yeah it's like

The greaser aesthetic But then they listen to newer shit, right? It's not all old rock and roll. No, Stav was like swing dance. Stav would walk around with an upright bass everywhere he went. Rockabilly is a lot of crossover with that swing revival bullshit. Because all of South Austin is still like swing revival Rockabilly guys. So you know that guy Brian Spencer?

They wear like rompers, or not rompers, creepers. What are those fucking stupid big shoes called? Oh, they're like bowling kind of shoes. Yeah yeah but then they've got like a platform on them no not spats what are they called creepers yeah creepers oh i didn't know i didn't know that existed yeah and then like and then like pearl snaps and uh like they have papadors pearl snap shirts okay yeah stav you being a rockabilly kid in all black middle school or high school is like me going to my all white middle school and having a huge Pelly Pelly jacket and a chain. That's cool. That lasted a couple of years. That'd be awesome.

Did you do that? I did. You literally did do that? That was me. That was literally me. That was fuck. Pelly Pelly. I want a Pelly Pelly jacket.

It's so nice they named it twice. Yeah, the brand's so nice. Yeah. What happened to Pelly Pelly? Do you remember the Yeah, the brand's so nice. Yeah. Do you remember the band, the Stray Cats, Brian Setzer? Yeah. So his son,

there were two Codys in my kindergarten. And that's going to be it for today's episode. Thanks for joining us, guys. Reached our time limit. So we had a lot of fun. We want to thank JP for coming on. Thanks, boys. Follow me on Twitter at JP underscore McDade.

Yeah, JP McDade. Watch Roast Battle on Comedy Central. Poughkeepsie with Gilbert Gottfried April 14th. Yeah. Who knows what he's talking about.

Yeah, stay tuned for more of the web series. We'll get that going. Thanks. Yeah, thanks guys. Thanks.