The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 46 – Vacations?

Episode Date: March 30, 2017

Andy Haynes joins us. I think he said something about going on vacation.

This is a bullshit podcast. I hit that button, like I just did, and then that's how the podcast starts. So we started. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Yeah. Yo, what's up, y'all? Motherfucking Comptown West. Comptown West, baby.

We got the Cali vibes and the cool Cali breeze. Oh, yeah, baby. Going through our cool Cali hair right now. I learned how to surf, dude. I did a 360 surf. We had a kickback earlier. Fat people, they float more, right? Yeah, that's true

that's why the best you're all you're all lipids are we gonna talk about our favorite sublime songs yeah this is basically it fat people

float more we're having a kicker we're having a kicker right now which is just four dudes in a room getting crossfaded getting high

getting stoned and then maybe if a couple girls come over we could have a full chill what's crossfaded is that the dab marine thing crossfaded is when high, getting stoned. And then maybe if a couple girls come over, we could have a full chill. What's crossfaded? Is that the dab marine thing? Crossfaded is when you get... I like how you make fun of this guy

for being a loser for smoking weed, but then you just sit at home and watch videos of this guy smoking weed. I really want to go to Long Beach and meet Nick Weed. We should go. I'm too afraid to DM him. We should fucking go. DM him.

He follows me on Instagram. No, really, it's a friend of mine from New York got me... has this weird obsession with this guy who lives in Long Beach named Nick420CA on Instagram, and what he does is he just films himself doing

dab marines, sometimes doing bingers, hitting bingers. He's been... Basically, he was dormant, and then the night Trump won for some reason, he bingers. He's been, basically he was dormant and then the night Trump won for some reason, he came back. It was time. The world needed Nick Weasley.

So basically he'll do like a, he'll do a dab and then he'll chug like a 24 ounce Tecate. Oh, sick. And then he'll hit a binger and then he'll blow it all out and do some sort of, yeah, he's real serious about this. But the thing is is is that on its own, it's not... In terms of

as a work of art, it's not that impressive on its own. But through repetition, which is literally maybe smoking weed on the internet maybe 5,000 times. It's awesome. Coughing for, on aggregate, maybe like a day and a half

of just coughing on YouTube. Yeah, that should be a super cut. The unfortunate thing is that his original YouTube channel is now done. It is offline. And the genesis of the entire project, which is chilling and dabbing down after... Dabbing after chilling down at Pike is no longer on the internet, but that is the video that started it all and started the entire obsession. But basically, I'm going to DM Nick Weed.

DM Nick Weed. Yeah, so we're here. We got fucking heavy-ass Dick Andy. Heavy-ass Dick Andy. Heavy Dick Andy out here, baby. It's got tumors in it weighted down by tumors ain't that buoyancy dick

dick's full of cancer no lipids in here if you guys could support my GoFundMe yeah just his GoFundMe that's why he's here it's cause I was shooting

HGH right into my fucking you could probably get Fallon for dick cancer I hope the answer's no stop could you put HGH in your dick and make it bigger? The answer is no. That would be awesome.

I love how you just saw Stav's brain. Of course, yeah. You saw the gears. I've been taking HGH. You saw the hamster that's on this fat wheel. I've been pumping HGH directly into my frontal lobe so I can fucking read people's minds now. Oh, fuck. No, I think that's called

chemistry. fucking stem cells injected right into your spine in Israel. Yeah, dude. Really? Yeah. Well, I've been kidnapping

all those, like, there's missing girls in D.C. There's missing black girls. Jesus Christ. I've been harvesting their stem cells. See, I just go to Planned Parenthood

and I go to the abortion bucket. It's like when you go to Panera after hours and you're like, yo, you got any extra fucking croissants? You just do that with children. I just eat it. I like that. Just eat the abortion.

I knew a guy that fucking was like an anarchist or whatever. Him and this girl I grew up with, they had a kid, and then she died two months later. It was tragic. She was actually really cool. She had a fucking aneurysm, so it was one of those out of nowhere sort of things. And then he was just living in her parents' basement raising the kid. Oh, no. living in her parents basement raising the kid and like uh one day he came home with like a bag of bread that he had found in the trash and it was like please don't raise your baby on trash bread that you found behind panera you gotta get that ebt card son yeah he didn't believe in it did

they fucking toss him did the parents just no, he's doing an all right job raising that kid. Yeah, he's trans now, too. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah, dude. There's a lot of layers going on to this motherfucker. Yeah. Wait, is he in Seattle?

No. Okay. No. Why? Does that sound like everyone in Seattle? No. Wait, hold on. Is he the mayor of Seattle?

Is that the city comptroller? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all the Seahawks. There's a dude that, well, a trans woman came up to me in Seattle recently and was like, I used to do comedy in D.C. with you. Oh, shit. But I was a guy back then. So I didn't know who it was. Oh, shit.

I wonder who it was. Because I would probably know also. Yeah. It's Mike Diesel. Yeah. It's Mike Diesel. Yeah, I used to be a fucking guy. Now I'm Mike Prius he has like a shitty name Mike hybrid homophobic against himself

yeah my favorite faggot my favorite yeah i figured my switch you know i don't want to confuse people my favorite my favorite mike diesel story is like twity told the story about meeting mike diesel and like he's like yeah i worked with this guy mike diesel i'm like please go on yeah yeah and uh mike was like yeah i've been a road comic for you know 75 years or whatever the number is now that he tells people he's like i'm the number one comic in the west virginia panhandle uh well you know i mean if you know mike you know he tells like all these stories or whatever and some of them are just like so ridiculous that you just you know i mean not all of them are ridiculous yeah you know stories but toady said he met him and that he was like,

yeah, I've been a road dog 45 years. I only got four teeth left. And it's like he could just see his teeth. So he's like literally lying through his teeth. Incredible. Yeah. I never met Diesel. How is that possible?

Because I only went to, what was that club? We is that possible because i only went to what was that club i only went to wise acres like twice i felt i fell into being a wise acres guy pretty early on and stand up which is kind of like that's that was like it for you i guess in dc like just became a wise acres guy it was a good room it was a great room it was like the probably the best i didn't have a car and i would say i wasn't gonna catch like what i think that was like not even a train out there at that point yeah there is now there's one that goes right there you know something weird though yeah that hotel that wise acres was in yeah i was staying at that hotel when kurt cobain died when i was like 12 that's weird yeah but i never went to yeah anyways the way Diesel would tell that story is...

And I actually pulled the gun out of his mouth. Yeah. And he said, Mike, thank you for writing every one of Nirvana's songs and teaching me how to play guitar. You guys got to get Diesel on and come down. Yeah, I would love that. We've talked about that.

We'd love to have Mike Diesel on. We want Diesel. We want Tom Myers. Dude, today... Tom won't come on the show. Today I got a low exposure tweet, but one of them, low engagement, one of them was Tom Myers. Oh, hell yeah.

Usually I delete them if they get low engagement, and I was like, fuck it. No, you got the, that's Tom Myers is on there. Yeah. Fit for our listeners. Heavy Dick Andy also is a DC boy. Started comedy DC, right? Or you started in Seattle? I started in Seattle, but I like eight months and moved to DC. Right, in DC right? or you started in Seattle? I started in Seattle

but I like 8 months in moved to DC right right right so we all know him from the damn scene just giving these

motherfuckers Andy was Andy was first bubble first comedy bubble first wave and we were second wave yeah Nick was both waves

I've never had a wave no I know but I remember you started like right when I got to DC and Matt Kazan was like losing his mind he was like this is kid and he's like great yeah uh yeah but i mean i quickly i think it was like two months in i i made friends with norman yeah norman's like just come to wise acres and then they quickly became like oh i'll just do wise acres and i remember you also like were over it right away too what stand up yeah there was something weird like were you on pills or

something yeah but that wasn't i did after like after like maybe like it took longer than that took about the 13 months but i got burned out yeah because i remember like i just didn't see you until maybe i went out here yeah well i i was just at wise acres yeah and then and then after like doing wise acres for maybe two years it was like i started dating a girl and then i would do stand-up maybe once every two months and then she died and then she died and i was like this is the funniest thing that's ever happened i gotta talk about this um but yeah no i then there was like a period where i didn't do comedy for like nine months i think and then i moved to austin and when i moved to austin like i just wanted to move somewhere and then norman's like no you like have to do stand up i don't know and he was my only

friend so i would go out with him to mice and shit so i kind of like started over basically when i got there um did you win funniest person in Austin? No, I was in the finals like two or three years. You did win gayest person in Austin. I did. I won gayest person in Austin. Who were you up against? We all like lost our mind when Bryson won it.

We were like, Bryson's going to be famous now. Yeah, I mean, he should have been. Bryson like at 24 was a better comic than like a lot a lot of the comics that, you know, I know. You know, he, like, figured it out six years in or whatever. But, and I don't want to talk shit on Bryson because he was, like, a good friend, even though I'd only hear from him, like, maybe once every year and a half. Yeah, he's a good dude. I just remember we, like, were like, oh, Bryson's famous now. We didn't know how anything worked.

Yeah. We won a local contest. We were like, ah, he's fucking seinfeld for a long time it was like if you won funniest person in austin you would get a tv credit out of it you used to get gotham yeah and then you would get new faces back when it was like new faces you know where it was like the masters and then the fucking new faces or whatever but there was 10 slots that was it oh really it was a big deal yeah and then like i think bryson was like the first guy to not get either out of winning the the fest damn because lucas got it right uh he got at least lucas got gotham years prior to that i mean it wasn't it wasn't for funniest person no austin

used to send two people to like like two austin guys would get gotham and like one of them would get new faces like every year for a two- or three-year run, leading up to me and Bryson moving to Austin. And then the year we got there, that just sort of fell out. Did you guys check this fucking Samurai store? Katana. Yeah, there's a Katana in here. This is like fucking super chill room.

Yeah, yeah. This is where Danny fucks. It's got sort of an Asian slash New York Yankees theme. Is that like the, is the Memoirs of a Geisha poster like to kind of like accompany the katana? Yeah, yeah.

I think it's kind of a theme. Well, he put it up with the katana. It's a giant hole in the wall. That's how he's going to escape. Back to destruction. Memoirs of a Geisha is my favorite movie.

Is it? Yeah, dude. What's your favorite part? When they fuck the Geisha. You see her tits. I've never seen it. I don't know. Do you know the name of that Japanese movie that's like seven years of pleasure or something?

That's like... No. There's like an extended penis licking scene. Oh, totally. Yeah, it's just pornography. Hell yeah, dude yeah which is weird because japanese porn always has like censored yeah why is that they got weird pubes yeah straight straight pubes no well it's because they all want to fuck computers so it's like their usb right it adds to

it for them all their pubes look like the Beatles. Kind of. Like a Beatles haircut. No, let him finish this, whatever this stupid fucking thought is. That was just the thought. Like, you mean like the bowl cuts? Yeah, wait a second. They don't even look like the Beatles. They're pubes. They have flat iron hair.

Yeah, it looks like a Beatles haircut. They look like Young Einstein. You guys remember that movie? I never saw Young Einstein. I think it looks like it. It's bad. Guys, you've seen the most Asian kids. Why the most Asian kids? Sorry.

I was thinking of Young Frankenstein. That's a good one. That's a good one. Young Einstein. I'm going to wash my hands. Do you guys mind? No, no. Please.

It's fine. I blasted a cig and it stinks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it. What's Young Einstein? Let's guess. Yeah, yeah. While he washes his hands.

It's kind of like like it's a program for kids to learn c++ and stuff no that's baby einstein oh young einstein is i'm gonna say it's like a prestige drama for a streaming service and einstein's hot and he's got a fucking it was like an australian movie movie where this guy was supposed to be like... I don't know why it was called Young Einstein because I don't think he was actually supposed to be Einstein because he was Australian. But it was like an action movie.

They were like, Einstein's Austrian. They're like, oh, I know Austria. It was like the scope of... It was the scope of Hudson Hawk. One of those weird off-brand kind of superhero

dumb movies. Like Blank Man. Blank Man was good. What was the thing this week where Alex Jones said that Australia wasn't real? I missed that. I don't know. There's so much Alex Jones content

to fucking go through. I feel like he sold out. He kind of did. He apologized for the Pizzagate shit. Which is crazy. Did he apologize for the new, what's the town with the shooting? Newtown? No.

He didn't apologize for that? No. He's still hanging on to that one? Yeah, he is. False flag. You know, I'm born on the, he's born February 11th. That's my birthday. Shit.

Me and Alex Jones, dude. Yeah. Same guy. I wonder what he would have to say about that. You think it's false flag? Probably, yeah. You think I wasn't born on February 11th? False flag.

You don't exist. Dude, I'm not real. No one has the same birthday as me. I don't have a birthday. If you say I have a birthday, I will fight you. I heard that Alex Jones jones is actually a comedian richard jenny yeah yeah but he instead of he faked his death and then he became alex richard jenny and paul verzi have like the same exact voice it's so funny i think he's uh i think it's

will sasso i think it's like a character yeah i love when sasso comes up dude he became a vine star yeah and then they got rid of the lemons were real funny the lemons the lemons i remember i went back and watched all the old sasso uh steven seagal so sketches yeah they were fucking great virtuoso letterbox 2000 you remember that one when are we gonna start talking shit on wardell well it's yeah i'm just trying to appease the subreddit i do like editing tricks where you play the podcast backwards oh okay and it's his home address social security number and shit i know his home address yeah i do too it's pretty funny yeah we did it we did a little brandon shit talking on the last one. Yeah.

Yeah. I just heard your subreddit hates him. Kind of, yeah. Well, he blames us for it, but it's like a lot of people hate you. Yeah, yeah. It's just the internet. I don't know what the fuck. He's got a lot of enemies.

Yeah. Yeah, he's gay. Yeah, it's so funny to look at the the comments on the episode of chapo trap house that he was on where people are like i cannot believe this i'm like i'm seriously considering deleting my subscription and never listening to this podcast again i want to go but those dudes love him they're like always like they're like excited you know yeah well they're very nice guys yeah they're they're good dudes yeah they're really that's out why dick willie big dick felix yeah i missed the other ones matt matt they don't get actually they don't get their names till they come on i'm a gray wolf

are you subscribe yeah dude heavy dick andy's a fucking great i joined the democratic socialist i did all of it i'm over it now he's got the rest I didn't join I'm like the honorary president yeah oh really you don't have to join if you're the president there's all these people like trying to shame the DSA

for being like vaguely associated with me that was like going on two weeks ago on Twitter so that's so stupid yeah I know

the president of like I think like that someone in the national office for the DSA had to like post on Facebook I don't know who the fuck

Nick is I don't know who this is i don't know who this is i think it'd be tight if when the socialist government takes over you're just like affiliated with it like it's clearly corrupt and i'm gonna be in the cultural office yeah yeah yeah you get a dasha outside of the czar of trolling dude yeah for the d That'd be pretty sweet. That is your fucking lot in life. That would be your fucking... That's the way you're... The best stat in the world is trolling.

Yeah, but no, the alt-right guys are better at trolling than anybody else. I think you're... Dude, don't say it so short. Because they just do offensive shit. It's not even like very... No, they do... Like, the shit 4chan pulls is pretty impressive. See, I don't know that universe, but...

Yeah, like when that report came out, the British Intelligence Report or whatever. The PGAT? Yeah. Was that 4chan? No, but they were telling people that they planted the story and that got traction. And that was impressive, the amount of people they got. The masters. Yeah.

I mean, P pizzagate is them that's amazing that's hilarious yeah yeah it's a great troll but also they show a lot they used to do a lot of child porn on that on fucking 4chan 4chan yeah yeah they just they also love that also i wasn't saying they were good yeah i can't believe you're endorsing all right no as the president of the dsa yeah yeah you can't be doing shit like this now. Right. Well, I'm trying to take the DSA in a new direction. This is an official stance of the DSA.

You got to get a meme of Pepe. Like a Pepe with a rose. Oh, I got a tattoo. I got, you know, in like American History X, where he's like, I had to send up a signal and he takes his shirt off and exposes the swastikas. Nah, welcome. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I'm just covered in frog tattoos. Oh my God. Yeah. That's cool. I see. You just took your shirt off. All different frogs

or just Pepe? Every kind of frog. WB frog. I don't know about that Pepe shit. I don't know about that. is Blake Anderson because didn't he like start a clothing line

that was all Pepe's? Yeah, yeah. Right before it became a big name. Yeah, Brandon has like 25 shirts that are covered in Pepe's. Because Pepe was like a nice, harmless, fun meme. It's from a comic called Boys Club. Yeah, it's Matt. What's his name?

I don't know. I forget the guy's name. I forget the name of the guy that did the comics. But there was one specific panel that became a 4chan meme 10 years ago. And it's one where like... He's crying. No, it's like there's... Shut up.

Yeah. All right. That was me slapping at him. The Pepe character, they're all roommates. It's like a dog and a frog and a chicken or something. They're all roommates together. And like the dog goes into the bathroom and pepe is like at the toilet and he's got his pants all the way down and he's holding his shirt up and the dog's like what the fuck and then he like

tells the other roommates and the other roommates are like yo i heard you pull your pants all the way down to pee when you go to the bathroom and then pepe is like yeah it feels good man that's right yeah yeah yeah yeah like that the feels good man was like did does that make pepe a cuck uh what pulling his pants all the way down yeah no it makes it feels good if it's like an assertive thing and he's not you know he's choosing alpha actually yeah yeah pull your pants all the way down when's the last time have you guys ever done that no one ever did that it was for i think i did that when i was a little kid like as a joke. No, the LD kids would pull their pants all the way down at the urinal.

The little dick kids? Yeah. So people know and look at their dick. They're looking at their ass cheeks. They separated them at school. All right, all the LD kids, come to the auditorium. We've got to check out your wieners. I'm sorry, but your son has a pissing disability.

He's LD. Yeah, no. But, no, somebody posted on Twitter a picture of some black guy with his pants all the way down his ankles and the caption was just, Is this legal? That does provide an interesting legal conundrum. Yeah.

It must be. Yeah. I don't know. Because you're exposing your ass unnecessarily. You need like a courtroom drama about it called A Time to Piss. Now I want you to imagine that urinal was white. Let's get zooted and write that screenplay tonight. All right.

Order some fucking... A cocaína. You know what I mean? Yeah, well... We gotta make the pilot of The Time to Piss. I'm going to yell at Ben. Are you fiending? For what?

For, you know, a little bit of... Why? I don't know. You just kept mentioning that you were fiending for it earlier. You said earlier... I never said that. You said you would suck a dick. You said you would suck a dick to kill the time until your cocaine arrived.

I'm so bored right now I could suck a dick. I wish I had cocaine to go with this dick that I'm sucking. I wouldn't suck a dick for cocaine. I'd suck it for DSA, for socialism. The dick sucking association. I'd suck the DSA, exactly. I'd suck a dick for Bernie i'd suck it for the for dsa for social i'd suck the dsa exactly i'd suck a dick for bernie for in a second he's gonna make this now imagine bernie's not involved would you just suck a dick no no i'm not i just wanted to suck a dick to make the world a better place what if a hot ass guy with a beautiful brown dick comes out he's in arowan right now in arowan right now

uh would you blow a guy in the kombucha aisle of Erewhon? I would blow a guy if I needed another $6 bulletproof coffee. Hell yeah. Yeah, I'm addicted to them shits, dude. I can't go back to drinking butterless coffee. I used to make them every morning. If you could set up a little sample station in there that's just high quality, like some kind of animal semen.

And the semen wouldn't be real. It would be fake, obviously. Oh, at the coffee station. You'd be like, there's antioxidants in it. At the coffee station, they have these little vials. And there were these two guys that bought them, and they were sipping on them. And I'm like, what are those?

And they're like, it's minerals from the ocean. And I'm like, is it good? They're like, no, we're just drinking seawater. They put just seawater in vials and then sold them drinking sea water. They put like, just sea water in vials and then sold them for $10. Yeah, those people were snake oil salesmen. You're not supposed to drink salt water.

I know, it's bad for you, right? Yeah. Dude, you should set that up though. The jizz tasting station. Yeah.

You ever see that video of Chris Chan drinking his own cum with the Fanta? Yeah, of course. Yeah. No, you haven't. You sent it to us.

I did. I think I did send it to you. I haven't looked at it. What did he drink? He drinks it with Fanta? He drinks it with Fanta because he couldn't find chocolate syrup. You should try it with different things. Yeah.

Well, he drinks it out of like one of those like... Triminic? Well, I don't know what that is. It was like Robitussin Cup. Yeah, Robitussin Cup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you had the... Is that the name for those?

Triminic is just another cough syrup. If you had to ingest semen somehow, what would you mix it in with? Or would you just do it? Other cum. Even more jizz. Just lots of jizz. I would just

drink it. I'd probably put in some tapioca pudding. No, that seems so much worse. That is more cum. Then you have to eat it. Yeah, but you don't know. You eat mushrooms a lot probably, Andy, right? Well, I don't do anything now,

but I used to. I'm sober now. You were too cool with Al. I used to just eat. i didn't mind the flavor i never understood people people were saying it's the worst thing so gross i was like it tastes like dirt yeah it's vaguely sour taste yeah i put them shits in a little peanut butter sandwich yeah but you're morbidly obese person i just kind of want you put every you put peanut butter sandwiches in a little peanut butter sandwiches.

Yeah, I never, like the first time I did mushrooms, somebody was like, they're so gross. And then I took a bite and I was like, these don't taste like anything else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just drugs. It tastes like a dry apple. That's the main, that's the number one drug I miss. Mushrooms? Yeah.

More than acid? I never did acid. Oh, acid's way better. Yeah. Yeah. I want to, I have a little acid. It'd be cool to relapse on acid. Yeah. I don't think that's way better. Yeah. Yeah. I want to have a little acid. It'd be cool to relapse on acid. Yeah.

I don't think that's relapse. Because actually, like psychedelics like acid have been used to treat addiction. Well, I did think about for a while getting off my antidepressants and just microdosing. Well, I know this. But I don't know anybody who's successfully done it. I know a dude who works like on Wall Street and he microdoses three days a week. And he's like and he's like he seems like he's doing great that's what wall street 2 is about right yeah do you guys know

anybody who's ever done that one with like eba game do you know that one it's like a crazy ass it's like a four-day trip at that grocery store probably but no it's like you have to be like monitored and then you like you like it's, it gets people to kick heroin. Holy shit. Yeah. What do you think about that, Adam? Become addicted to that? No, no. Oh, look at,

oh, Adam's pissing with his fucking, I just saw his fucking, monkey, Yeah, I saw the fucking ass, fist. His ball, his ball sack. Yes, you can, dude.

You gotta pull your shirt up. Yeah, pull your shirt up. There you go. Oh, nice, dude. he's got a cute butt you do have a cute little butt you literally do have a woman's ass yeah i could fuck you in the ass no problem seriously like i'm kind of there was a peanut butter sandwich involved yeah yeah i'd eat your ass for the fucking peanut butter sandwich i don't get what everybody says about eating ass you know it just tastes like dirt.

Personally, I like to put mushrooms in the ass and then suck them out of the asshole. That would probably create a pretty weird trip, I'd imagine. Yeah, you would just smash your head up. That's why I don't like mushrooms because every time I've been on mushrooms, the best I feel is good for me. I'm not freaking out right now. Right, right, right.

Honestly, I'm so over mushrooms. They suck. Really? I like them, dude. I'm a fan. the best i feel is like good for me i'm not freaking out right now right right honestly i'm so over mushrooms they suck really i like them dude yeah i'm a fan really they're not as someone that doesn't drink is so chill i did blow i've only done blow twice but only once really and i was not drinking we're in vegas it was in Vegas, yeah. It was like for the writer's room that I was in. They forced you to do coke? We had the hotel room from the hangover. When was this? I thought you...

Because you were sober when I met you. I just didn't drink. Oh, okay. And then I actually did drink a little bit, but I never was great at drinking. Oh, so you fell off the wagon. In D.C., yeah. Yeah. I started dabbling. It never got bad. Okay. Wow, that's the off the wagon. In D.C., yeah. Yeah. I started dabbling.

It never got bad. Okay. That's the rare guy who dabbles and it doesn't get great. It got sad. I couldn't do stand-up at all with any amount of alcohol in me. Oh, wow. Really? Yeah, it was so weird.

I can't do stand-up remotely high. I did stand-up. I did. I actually, I've been talking about this a lot lately. My career has taken a real dip since I quit smoking weed. Really? All I did was smoke weed. I did my comedy.

My half hour, I was high. Really? Yeah, my Conan, I was high. Yeah, you love pot. Holy shit. I was all the time high. And then I quit, and people were like, this is square. Get him out of here.

Just pretend to smoke weed. Just be like, oh my God, dude. Dude, I'm so fucking good. Benson, yeah. You know, Doug Benson's never smoked weed. Yeah, dude. I heard.

Really? There are Benson truthers out there. I went on the 311 cruise with Doug Benson. Yeah, Doug Benson doesn't inhale. I did. I went to Jamaica

with 311 and Doug Benson. That's amazing. I want to go on tour with Insane Clown Posse and then just pretend to drink the Faygo the whole time.

Just push it back into the bottle and then they beat the shit out of me when they find out that I haven't actually been drinking the Faygo. You guys should see

if you can do a live come town at the Gathering. That would actually help the numbers probably. For sure. Yeah, there's so much love in the Juggalos. That would actually help the numbers, probably. For sure. Yeah, there's so much love in the Juggalos. Because every comic,

every fucking comic I know has thought they independently discovered the Gathering of the Juggalos, and they're like, I'm going to get booked for this. Wait, they had comics at Gathering. I know. That's what Hannibal did.

But I mean, years ago. I remember like seven years ago, numerous people were trying to get booked for the gathering. All right, all right. It was after the... Once SNL did a spoof of it, it's like obviously we all know. And people were still being like, can you believe this? Right, right, right.

Yeah. I mean, my first exposure to Insane Clown Posse was my stepsister's boyfriend brought an Insane Clown Posse DVD over to show. Yeah. Hell yeah. At 16, I was very susceptible to... I probably could have been like, wow, this is cool. And I remember five minutes in, I was like, this is incredibly fucking stupid. Yeah.

You really dodged the bullet. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that would have been awful i would have loved there's a jugular kid there's a jugular kid in my high school there was just one yeah vegas seems like a good home for some yeah yeah there's one his name is phil and he used to come up to me and my friend alex and he'd just go like sig how bitch hitler was right and then walk away i was friends with i was like well you learned german yeah that's pretty impressive yeah there was a lot of german there was a lot of jugglers in fucking maryland and fucking shitty ass like kind of between baltimore and annapolis that kind of region that corridor there was just a ton of fucking columbia maryland no not columbia fuck what was that mall called there was a horrible i know you're talking about the one that has the hard

rock at it now? The Anne Arundel Mills? Yeah, no, Arundel Mills. There was another one that was even shittier. What the fuck was it called? Anyway, I went to just see a fucking... They just had Juggalo stands everywhere, and it was like... What are Juggalo stands? It was like a kiosk at a mall.

A soda machine? Oh, they'd sell you a shirt that was way too long. They had a clown face on it. Exactly. Ready to smoke batteries. Today, Saav and I... They're primed and ready to go. Saav and I saw a claw machine on Fairfax

where a group of Asian children huddled around. That was like a claw machine just for Yeezy shoes. Really? And they were just putting their popping quarters in to like win a Yeezy shoe. It was clearly a scam. I don't understand why people are so, like you can get the nicest fake Yeezys for like $30.

Oh, I have fake Yeezys, yeah. How much did you pay for them? My friend got them for $20. In the Philippines? No, in New Jersey, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. They don't look that good.

No, these suck. Plus they are bad. Plus, also, the other Adidas, the other just boosts are just as cool, if not cooler looking than the Ultra Boost. I agree. I don't think Yeezy's that good. Yeah, I like the Ultra Boost. The Ultra Boosts are kind of weird looking.

But some of them are cleaner than the Yeezy. The ones I just got are sick. Yeah. The Anikis, they look like Sambas at the top and boosts on the bottom. Is that something in Greek? Yeah, it's the N-word. Is it? No, it doesn't mean anything.

What's the N-word in Greek? There's no real N-word. We just say... It's Yanis Antetokounmpo. How dare you. What do you say to, like, what do you call refugees? Just the regular N-word. Oh, really?

But Greek people learn the n-word to call some uh series i guess in china the n-word is like a real like common word yeah um it means like oh yeah it's a by the way yeah well in mandarin yeah yeah and my friend uh yeah a lot yeah and uh my friend went there it's like yada yada yada yeah yeah oh boy we all want to real bad that's what that uh that's what they do it you're speaking mandarin it's actually cultural and good yeah it's a cultural the trinidad james song uh all gold everything it's in mandarin he's just saying Yada yada yada All Gold Everything All Gold Everything

Refers to like The cat that waves at you At the front of the restaurant Also that song Did Bruno Mars Straight up just Stole that from him And everyone

Don't believe me Just watch Who cares Fuck I care That's not Alright Isn't that what

Popular music is Is somebody stealing a hook And repeating it over and over He just stole like Yeah like what's the What was the Robin Thicke song? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

That was just like five different songs, and we all forgave it because we saw Emily Radjansky's titties. I beat off that video so many times. It was life-changing. It's just the most beat-offable video of all time. You beat off to the Lil Wayne parts? Yeah. Well, it was tough because you didn't want to come when you were making eye contact. You beat off to the Lil Wayne parts? Yeah. Well, it was tough

because you didn't want to come when you were making the Alan Thicke part, right? Yeah, yeah. You didn't want to... Yeah, Alan Thicke and Girlfriend Dead came in.

The controversy surrounding that video was when I was like, I don't want to live in this world anymore. Yeah. What was the controversy? The song was like,

rapey. I think that was the first time I heard the term rapey. Mm-hmm. And I was like... What was it? Because like, the lyrics are like...

It's called Blurred Lines. The lyrics are like... I wanna fuck your pussy. Yeah, it's like... I'm gonna have sex with you. I'll get you, will you, bitch? Even though... Well, no, it's like...

I can kind of tell you wanna fuck... That's what Blurred Lines are. It's like, you know... It's because you're drunk. Yeah. It's like consent. I've never heard of consent. For that world, that's probably how things go out there.

Like, there's no feminists running around like Budokan in fucking Vegas, I don't think. In Vegas, dude. What's Budokan? Or is it Hakkasan? Hakkasan. What's Hakkasan? It's a club. Ultra club.

Ultra lounge. You know, like Diplo and fucking Tiesto and all those people. Have you been to a Vegas club before? Hell of a time. I will go out to vegas and i will pay for bottle service even though i don't drink yeah yeah yeah it is the funnest shit you can smoke it's you can smoke right there and you get a private area that nobody else is allowed in but you can invite girls in and it's like it's just fun you put on fucking i mean

people don't wear suits anymore yeah you're you wear a stripy shirt. Well, everybody dresses now like they're on Melrose or Fairfax. It's all like Xanarote pants. Yeah, it's all hype-y shit. Stussy shirts. You got to put on suits, boys. That's why you got to go to Galveston. Swag is for boys. That's the new vague.

Or no, Prim. You saw that video. You got to go to Prim, Nevada. Oh, yeah. State line? Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. Do some outlet shopping?

Yeah. Oh, hell yeah ride that roller coaster fuck yeah let's go to the bunny ranch you guys wanna go to the bunny ranch together I don't know dude

that's hella far away that sounds extremely sexist prostitution is legal it's not legal excuse me I don't wanna go exploit women

no no it's the only but you can call girl right yeah yeah but it's not legal oh really what prostitution is legal in every county in Nevada except Clark County But you can call girl, right? Yeah, yeah, but it's not legal. Oh, really? What? Prostitution is legal in every county in Nevada except Clark County, which is where Vegas is.

So have you ever fucked a prostitute in Vegas? I remember I was driving through Nevada one time and I was in the middle of fucking nowhere. And there was a sign. It's just the desert. There's a sign on the side of the road, just spray painted brothel. And it's pointing down the road to two trailers at the end of a dirt road and it's like in McCabe and Mrs. Miller

yeah what chippies? he just bought a couple fat bitches at the beginning of that movie he's like I want to buy four chippies what's that? McCabe and Mrs. Miller the Robert Altman movie

I love it when I find out about a movie like that What's that? What movie? McCabe and Mrs. Miller. The Robert Altman movie. I've never seen it. Is it good? It's great. Oh, it's one of the best. It's really good. I've got to watch it. Yeah, one of the best movies ever. I love it when I find out about a movie like that. That's a really good one. Have you ever seen Men in Black?

Leonard Cohen. Nah, dude. Just MIB3. Yeah, it's pretty cool. What if I only saw MIB3 and I was like, man, I wish they would have made more of these? Yeah, I want to know the prequels. What happened before? God, they should have made more of these. Yeah, I want to know the prequels. What happened before? They should have done prequels.

It's like you got your memory erased. That's just an allegory for ice, though. That's all that movie is. The immigration shit? Yeah, it's propaganda. But they're, like, cool. They're not, like, super... Well, that's what I what i'm saying man they just want to keep out the bad hombres yeah vincent d'onofrio yeah meaning the italians the italians are bugs first we let them in

then we let everyone else it would be awesome if there was like at men in black four and it's just clearly the trump administration's propaganda that was a bunch was an amazing performance By D'Onofrio by the way Disgusting When he's like The bug guy Can I have a glass of water He was really good D'Onofrio's a really weird guy He's a great actor

He got the Oscar for that that year Yeah he did Best actor Best bug guy Bug guy Bug actor They made a special category Best guy in Men in Black

You know he was good in apocalypse now or full metal jacket yeah he's a good actor see uh fucking uh law and order criminal intent hell yeah carried that bitch for like six years law and order you can watch i was in law and order i was on an episode criminal in new york yeah i played a juror in a gay... Were you background? Yeah, background. There was a homophobic hate crime. Nice. And he got prosecuted or found guilty.

Did you vote not guilty? Yeah, I was the juror that would... I was the hanging on. Oh, and this guy didn't do it. Oh, so it was like a speaking role. No, no, no. I took that into it. They had to tell him multiple times to stop saying that.

I was a background on... Not guilty! I was a background on Blue Bloods. Oh, really? And, yeah, I've told this story on the show before, but I met Donnie Wahlberg, and there was a guy, there was this old black guy who was, like, just in everybody's ear the whole day, like a career background guy. Oh, those are the worst.

Career background people might be, like, the sad be yeah well you know i'm a professional actor you know he's like telling some poor girl that he like cornered you know and he's like you know i mean there was you know some people say and i was just in and out hearing him but you know stuff like uh you know and i told her you know well okay that's fine say whatever you want but next time you're gonna be working for me you know like just that kind of stuff and he's 62 yeah that's like the that's like all those people that tim and eric would get to kind of be like those people yeah just like desperate desperate i'll tell you a story after we finish with this in that regard remind me okay i don't want to fucking oh but yeah come on no i'm not doing it it's fucking that's cool yeah yeah but uh uh yeah, this guy was going off saying about how him and Donnie Wahlberg are, like, friends

or whatever, and then Donnie Wahlberg walks by, and he goes, Good morning, Donnie! And Donnie Wahlberg just looks at him. He's like, I've been seeing too much of you around here, Lawrence. And fucking just walks away. He's like, yeah. It's Donnie Wahlberg, man. That guy, he's had a rough one.

Yeah. Has he? Well, he was NKOTV. He beat up a few of the memes right after he saw Lawrence. No, Donnie wasberg, man. That guy, he's had a rough one. Yeah. Has he? Well, he was NKOTB. He beat up a few of the memes right after he saw Lawrence. No, Donnie was the normal one. But he was NKOTB. I think then he got into drugs. Because he's only had like, he had Blue Bloods and then he had what?

Saving Private Ryan. Ransom. Ransom. Oh, yeah. I guess he's had some good roles. Yeah. He's been in some shit. Wahlbergers.

They won the Emmy for that. No, Donnie's a great actor. He was the basis of the character. Donnie's a better actor than Mark Wahlberg. Really? Oh, yeah, absolutely. All right.

It's just Mark Wahlberg has better star quality and that's like, I mean, you know, we talked about it. Yeah, I'm kind of like the Mark Wahlberg of the podcast. Yeah.

What am I? Maybe they're technically better podcasters, but I'm just fucking a leading man. What am I? You're the other. Kramer. He says the N word. I'm the Kramer of the podcast. You're, but I'm just fucking a leading man. You're the other Kramer. He says the N-word. I'm the Kramer.

You're Elaine. I'm Elaine? Yeah, you're the fucking girl. But in this version of Seinfeld, they all fuck Elaine every time, every episode. Jesus. Wow. You get to be Jerry. Hell yeah, dude.

I'll take it. You guys really ramp this up when we have a guest yeah shut up bitch is this how it always is or like when you guys do it in New York is there like a more formal studio no I listen to Come Down

so I was always you know yeah we usually just hang out we usually do the Anthony Comey studios at the top of the Empire State Building I had an anecdote about background guys. Oh, there was this insane guy in Austin, this guy that would do open mics. And the first time I saw him, this guy David, I thought he was doing a character. And I was, like, dying laughing because it was so fucking funny.

He, like, gets on stage, and he kind of looks like David Arquette. He sort of, like, resembles him a little bit, but he's got this 1,000-yard stare, and he's got his notes on the stool. And he's like, I read a news story about a high school basketball game where one team beat the other team 100 to nothing, and they fired the coach of the team that won

because he wouldn't apologize to the coach of the other team. I mean, I think they should have fired the coach that lost. He checks his notes. Just moves on. Goes to the next bit. i when i started comedy there was this crackhead named mickey wales that would come to the open mic that's a comedy underground was it was it christian bale's character from the fight yeah basically like a puerto rican version of that and he would bring the his his girlfriend she i think she probably was a pro and also probably had some brain issues.

Pro comic? No, like a prostitute. They were on the streets probably. There was a lot of riffraff that showed up at that open mic because it was in this part of town where a lot of homeless drug addicts hung out. Where was this? Seattle in Pioneer Square. And he would come on stage and she would videotape every single one of his sets and he would always run the light they would always have to play the music and cut the

mic but oh my god at one point he fucking he had a bag and everybody was like what the fuck is in the bag and they cut the mic they turned on the music he pulled out a bullhorn and just kept on going like yeah that's incredible that's how occupy started yeah that was occupied yeah mickey wales dude yeah uh so david um the nut job he moved to new york presumably to pursue pursue comedy or something but um yeah eventually he got into like background acting central casting yeah and then you'll i'll just be watching long order and then there's just this cop standing there, clearly in the shot, and it's like, that's just an insane man I know.

That's what they all are. I know, and it just completely takes you out of it. And when I was working on Comedy Knockout, I was just hanging out behind the set or whatever while the show was going on, and I look up in the stands, and David's just in there and like the, you know, the audience.

Yeah. That's another creepy thing is there's people that, cause you get paid to go sit in audiences and on enough, if you go to enough sitcoms, you'll see people that it's their job. You just go and sit and they, they also participate like, cause there's like,

they get like people to dance and do like dumb tricks. And there's people that can like do a funny dance and they'll go to like nine sitcoms in a day yeah and just do i mean they can't go nine because they take like four hours that's what i love that people don't realize about tv shows he's like the thing people like to point out is like all that laughter you're hearing those are dead people and it's like well it's worse when it's like people that are still here but just dead on the inside people that are scamming the fucking disability yeah yeah they have a fentanyl addiction hey has anybody ever said cum shot heard around the world uh that seems tight no that's yours go for it cool you dude i gotta go to a mic what is the original shot heard around the world is

that the revolutionary war oh yes no Is it? Oh, it was. I thought it was Lexington and Concord. Oh, I thought it was that assassination of the Archduke. Franz Ferdinand? Yeah, yeah. But that happened after. I think it's the Revolutionary War. And then it was the Giants-Homer against

the Dodgers, the Brooklyn Dodgers. No one gives a fuck about that. Is that Reggie Miller? Yeah, it was it was LeBron James yeah no

it was like in the 40s what are you doing I get my hands real itchy I get like itchy palms yeah were you fiending a little bit yeah

you know for what jacking off pussy oh yeah my hands itch if I don't beat off yeah I think it's if i don't jack it off yeah

no i think it's just like humidity or something yeah oh fuck i want to do a fucking uh intervention but it's you and beating off and you're jerking off while we're stop it we have to just strap you in that little cross thing yeah it was funny we were talking talking about sobriety earlier. And the point of entry for being a sober person is just that you stopped drinking. But when we talked to Ian and shit, and to say I'm an alcoholic and compare the things I've done to what Ian is. We have this buddy, Ian. The first time I hung out with him,

he was like, we started talking about being sober, and he's like, yeah, which I don't do. I'm not like a sober guy. I just happen to come up. And he's like, yeah, I'm sober, too.

I got like a month and a half. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he's from Delaware, so we talked about that. Just total trash. Yeah, yeah. Horrible, dumb hair, bad bad teeth he looks stupid he looks like a cracked out paul giamatti yeah i've got like a month and a half um i'm sober now you know and he's like uh i was like uh

he was like but you know i was sober for a while before that. And I was like, what happened? And he's like, you know, I was just in the airport bar and I was bored and I had a beer. And then two weeks later, I was trying to buy crack in a nightclub and I got robbed. And I was drinking hand sanitizer in a bus station. And I was like, what the fuck? It wasn't two weeks it was at it was that same trip yeah he started he was kind of i wish like because when i was a real drinker in college like i would black out and wake up in jail or just like yeah like one time i woke up at a house party in lake tahoe and i had broken the toilet like like with

karate like i don't know but i was sitting in water and i woke up in the toilet like the ceramic bowl was broken in half and i was like uh and i just left yeah and it was like six it was snowing outside i was like in a t-shirt but i was like it's better than dealing with whatever i said like that's how i used to drink but i never did like that crazy like i had some crazy shit happen in like Central America, but it was never like. Oh, shit. I did smoke crack. So you were in the CIA.

Oh, nice. Is what you're saying. Yeah. I killed that guy. You ran the School of America. The guy who invented Norton software. Yeah, McAfee. McAfee.

I killed him. John McAfee. Yeah. Dude, when did you smoke crack? In Belize. These guys. We were on this island called. Belize dad belize you better belize it blue streak belize is super fucked up belize yeah it's like a war like like belize city like is where you fly in and then you go to a cruise ship or one of these

islands that are just basically like barrier islands like really thin strips of sand that are built on the coral bed. Well, they're natural. But Belize City is like, they got cable in Belize and everybody just saw gangster rap. And it's like Jamaica. It's like everybody's like, yeah, people kill each other all the time. Oh, God damn. And there's guns everywhere. Why were you in Belize? Because it's right next to Guatemala.

And I was doing a language program in Guatemala. And basically, that's what we want to create with the DSA. A situation like that, but with only white people. But Belize is super weird because it's an English colony. So they got Indian people, Chinese people, people that descended from African slaves that literally escaped off the boat. They jumped off slave ships and then like hid in the jungle, the Carl Garry.

And then, um, lion people, which are like the people that live there. And then Amish people randomly, there's hella Amish. Really? Yeah.

That came from like Canada. So it's like an experiment in diversity and it's completely failed. It's, it's, it's what Breitbart. It's interesting. It's what Breitbart bases their... Yeah. It's very interesting. Every asterisk in a Breitbart article just leads to Belize.

No, but it's bizarre because if you go to Belize City, you can't walk around at night. Yeah. El Salvador is scarier. Yeah, but you can go parts of Los Angeles. You can't walk around. No, but this is different. You just get killed. In Los Angeles, you'd get robbed. You might get beat up't walk around. No, but this is different. Like you just get killed. Like in Los Angeles,

you'd get robbed. You might get beat up, but they would just kill it. Like life is cheap. It's like Rio, you know, like where like people, yeah, it's that kind of shit.

But anyways, we were, we bought some weed from these rosters on key caulker. Hell yeah. And legalize it. Then the second time they sold us, what's key caulker, an app.

It's an Island. Oh, okay. Um, and then the second time they i would imagine it sounds like an app yeah i mean it's like it were you like you buy coke but also meet other gay guys yeah well we met on key cocker uh no it's a it's just like a little like it's like a three mile long, maybe like 200 yards wide island.

It's beautiful. But so we bought weed the second time and the sack was like really short. And we were like, come on, man. And the guy was like, shut up, boy. And, you know, like just telling us to fuck off. And we kept on persisting like, nah, come on. We've been cool. And he goes, okay, I'm going to roll up the expensive smoke.

We're like, okay, cool. And then we're in this bar and he like rolled a joint across the room. And then he was like, I'm going to roll up the expensive smoke. We're like, okay, cool. And then we're in this bar. And he rolled a joint across the room. And then he was like, come over here. And we hit it. And I was like, this isn't weed at all. There's no weed in this.

It's just tobacco and something that tastes like marshmallows. And I took it one more. And then I was like, what the fuck is this? And he's like, it's when you cooked a cocaine up in rock all right yeah and i stopped and my friends kept smoking it and i was like what are you doing and they're like well we already smoked a little crack like why but the problem was like crack it like the like it's bullshit it's not like worse than cocaine it's just that poor people do it so it ruined cocaine yeah it's like the rockefeller laws made it seem like this horrible thing.

Where if you were literally a banker that got caught with a kilo, you went to 30 days in counseling. But if you got caught with one crack rock, they're like, you have to go to jail and your mom. Because you tried saving money. Because you used coupons on drugs. That's terrible. Do you want to play the speech from traffic that tofer grace said real quick is that the uh yeah hold on i am tofer grace and i is it uh is the worst spider-man what's the one he gives to michael douglas uh to burn i'm trying to remember lines from that 70s show and i can can't remember if anyone had a catchphrase.

Laura, you fucking redheaded bitch. Did I do that? Lara. There you go. Lara. Hercule should have been on every show. And Danny Masterson was just like beating up chicks. Yeah.

Is he a Scientology? Being a Scientology. But he also is like in trouble. Because he like apparently beat up some women. Who? Danny Masterson. The white fro dude. Who did they beat up? Who did he beat up? Just some broads apparently beat up some women. Lou. Danny Masterson. The white fro dude. Who did they beat up?

Who did he beat up? Just some broads that were asking for it. Yeah. I don't know. You already told it twice, right? That classic. All right. We can riff for eight more minutes on that 70s show.

All right. Fez. You know how they were all smoking weed foreign exchange student that's what that stood for yeah oh really it was they named him that at ellis island man fez fucked who's his girlfriend some like big toothy bitch yeah i don't know didn't everybody fuck the sister uh the hot sister yeah no kelso fucked her. Oh. Didn't Danny Masterson fuck her? Donna? No.

No, Donna was Eric's... You fucking asshole. Was Donna the one from Oranges and Black? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Laura Prepon. Yeah. She's looking good. Yeah?

I wanted to fuck her. I think she looked better. Based on her sex. I don't know. She's kind of masculine. Yeah, she's... Is she gay now? She's not...

Well, she's not very attractive to me. What? She's got a manly air. Is that your shit stuff? Like a girl that can take it? He likes a broad-shouldered woman. Stops into trans women. Really?

No shame if you're one of those guys out there. Yeah, I'm not shaming you at all. I've talked about being open to the idea. Okay. But I have not sucked any trans. He's trans-curious. I'm trans-curious. Yeah, yeah.

Me and Eno hit the town. To be honest with you, it makes me a little uncomfortable wrestling with you. I'm trans-curious Yeah Me and Eno hit the town Which to be honest with you Makes me a little uncomfortable Wrestling with you I'm trying to see that little dick deep Like we do But you're not trans Because the loser has to kiss

Yeah that's why The loser puts a wig on He keeps adding all these rules He puts a wig on and makeup on And I keep winning Because I keep having to take hormones Yeah I'm just fucking up my emotions

I got PMS all the time now You're lactating Yeah I don't know how to drive anymore Really? It turned you into an Asian person? Yeah yeah Oh our Lyft driver How funny would she do

Our Lyft driver was just like You In Koreatown You could set up A lawn chair In front of the Ralphs With a glass of wine And just watch them drive

She was like Was this an old black lady yeah we're like on her way to church yeah she was like she ruled she we were talking about michael jackson she well she's awesome she literally was like uh be careful in koreatown we were like oh fuck is it dangerous like we had no idea what she was talking about she's like nah they can't drive just like jesus christ yeah i didn't beautiful i didn't drive her take me back to koreatown and he was like yeah you know you come down here at night it's like sometimes i like to avoid this area because you know the uh like the chinese people they can't uh they can't drink they don't know how to drink so i get way

too drunk because you know it's not their culture or whatever but they have one two drink and they pee themselves fights and stuff i was like all right man keep going it is actually like you can get like uh there's a lot of like robberies in koreatown yeah like yeah like because i think there's how ms-13 and shit like that yeah the chinese go alcohol mad, too. Yeah. They become criminals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's what keeps the karate... The Chinese are like, we're still on it.

It's the Chinese. Yeah. All the Chinese that live in Koreatown. Yeah. It unleashes their karate skills. Which ones? If you have enough whiskey. You know, in Koreatown, there's Little Bangladesh, too.

Oh, really? That's true. They have like a little every type of... It's so cool. I mean, I think it is. It's weird's weird though because they're already tiny countries yeah yeah yeah yeah like little armenia like that's already a tiny country yeah well it doesn't like chinatown in new york is enormous and it's like that's enough yeah you know we don't like koreatown is like mostly just like four restaurants in a bubble tea place. In Midtown.

Yeah. It's 32nd. It's just one street. Two blocks. In Queens, there's a huge... That's the real Korea Town. Well, no. There's a Chinatown.

Yeah, Flushing. Flushing. That's Chinese, right? And Chinese and Korean. And then Brooklyn has a Chinatown that nobody goes to. Really? Yeah. No.

It's at Park. I go there all the time. Yeah. Oh, that's where you took us To get those bullshit dumplings Sometimes Fuck up Those are really good One time I fell asleep

On like the Chinatown I survived off of that Fucking The Christine's Vanessa's dumplings Oh Vanessa's Around the block

No no Vanessa's is open Sunshine dumplings Close No the best place is on The best dumpling Like cheap dumplings Place

Yonkers You just gotta Take the metro north Go all the way To China For that authentic The best dumpling, like cheap dumplings place. Yonkers. You just got to take the Metro North. You go all the way to China. For that authentic. You got to find the Eastern Chinese air. It's this place, I forget the name. It's just called like fried dumpling or whatever,

but it's on Moscow in between Mont and Mulberry. Oh, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was featured in that show The Night Of. Oh, yeah. And the crazy old lady that runs the place, they just let her be in the show. Yeah, that's cool. So, yeah, Totoro's like, four dumplings.

They didn't even pay her. Yeah, five minute! That's tight. Yo, no joke. There were some good-ass dumplings in Vermont. Some of the best dumplings I've ever had in my life. Just some lady. Did they just have, like, squash in them?

Nah, dude. It was straight Chinese shit. She was like, just one random Chinese lady in a little fucking kiosk outside of, it was like by Vermont Comedy Club. If you ever do that,

look for the dumpling lady. Yeah, if you listen in Vermont Comedy Club, book me. I'm actually wearing the shirt. Yeah, you're wearing the shirt. What is it? There's a goat?

There's like a satanic comedy club? It's a cow unicorn. I don't know what it is, but it looks great. It's a cow, man. It's a cow, yeah. Did you eat he comedy club? It's a cow unicorn. I don't know what it is, but it looks great. It's a cow, man. Did you eat hella Ben and Jerry's when you were up there? I wanted to go to the factory so bad. I went with my dad one time.

We took our faces and the cutout. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got pictures. Hell yeah, dude. I wanted to go so bad. You know, they take you to a bullshit factory. Who's the top and who's the bottom? Yeah.

And what? Ben and Jerry. They're 69. They're 69. They're 69. What do they do? They're egalitarians. They actually make the... They churn the ice cream in each other's assholes.

A lot of people don't know that. It's like two girls, one cup. That's one of the flavors. They have a secret freezer in their house filled with flavors that only they know about. They're two of the most successful boyfriends, I think, in history, probably. Wait, they are boyfriends?

Siegfried and Roy. No, Siegfried and Roy, Ben and Jerry, Mario and Luigi. They're deadheads. Do you think Mario and Luigi fuck? Yeah. For sure, dude. That's so...

The cover story is that they're brothers, but, you know, you know Mario's not fucking that princess. Yeah. yeah he's had so many opportunities he's fucking that mushroom yeah yeah from toad he's pegging that mushroom up he has a dick but he puts on his strap on to fuck the mushrooms that's how i fuck dude you put on a little virgin no i can't give away my penis until marriage so i just strap on i'm a virgin but i eat hella ass yeah there's got to be a dude out there doing that a fun cartoon would be toad for mario brothers dead and suffocated inside of a condom stretched over his entire body

but just with the indentation over his mouth where he's trying to suck in for air and he can't when you come town heads uh that would be what do you call your fan art it's so funny because people will send fan art and it's like absolute shit like i drew that thing you asked me to and i'm like i'm gonna put this on the fridge the gif of you guys fucking each other and that was great diaper jerking off first of all it's First of all, it's me fucking Nick. And it got our bodies so down. It really actually did. I mean, you're a lot fatter, probably.

No, it's the right bodies. I mean, in fact, it was missing a couple muscles, but whatever. Yeah, I mean, you are probably a lot fatter. You didn't get my fucking back. Nick was, you know, pretty proportional. My muscular back. How'd you get so buff? Just a lot of pussy eating.

Really? A lot of, because if you do it right, you start from your sternum. Because you want to, yeah, use your, like, you do it right, you start from your sternum. Because you want to, yeah, use your, like, delts. I use my delts to eat pussy. Yeah. Well, I mean, the amount of, like, strength it takes to, like, emotional strength for him to get out of bed every morning. That's the real strength, I'd say.

That's tough. Yeah. It's tough to leave the hot girls in my bed to go do work. Well, I'll tell you what, boys. We're at the end, and my ulcer's acting up, so... You got an ulcer? I got like a canker sore right on my fucking gum line.

Oh, yeah. It's excruciating. Is that why you don't smoke cigarettes? No, I just had a cigarette. Oh, okay. That's probably from smoking. Your canker sores are just a virus. That's all they are.

No, it's like stress-related. It's an ulcer. Oh, okay. Yeah, but it comes, but yeah. You've had them your whole life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, me too. I hate canker sores. Yeah, they are. No, it's like stress-related. It's an ulcer. Oh, okay. Yeah, but it comes. But yeah, you've had them your whole life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, me too. I hate canker sores.

Yeah, they suck. It sucks. But yeah, thanks for being on the show. Hey, thanks, Andy. Thanks for having me. Brandon Wardell. Do you have anything you want to plug, I guess? Nah.

Nah, yeah. That's how it goes. All right, thanks.