The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 47 – Foody For THought lol

Episode Date: April 6, 2017

michael foody joins us lol. we talked to michael foody, hence the name of the episode. do u get it

So you better get this penis sucked off. Jesus. Hold on, let me take that again. I'm having sex, so you better... No, I was going to go penis sucked off again. You better suck this fucking penis. That's better, yeah. So you better suck this fucking penis.

What song is that? I'm sucking off, I'm sucking. It's pink. Because you said let's get this party started. Yes. Stav, you should get like a pitch pipe before you do it. Only it should look like a child's dick. Yeah.

You should also just say it before every sentence so people think you have autism. What, just a little hum? I was thinking we'd go to Jersey Mike's for lunch. Over and out. Welcome to Comptown, everyone. We're at the Comptown West Studios. Which we found out is right next to the studios of The Bill Maher real time with Bill Maher show. And guess what, ladies?

Guess what, ladies and gentlemen? Your boy, Adam Friedland, is going to be representing the comeboys. Yeah, fuck. I'm so jealous. I'm going to see Bill Maher tomorrow. I'm going to get so high, and I'm going to literally lose my shit. Yeah, weed. I've tried it.

You know who hasn't? The Republicans. The Republicans. The it. You know who hasn't? The Republicans. The Republicans. That's who hasn't. I will report back on it, but I'm so excited. I'm gonna go to the taping at 2 p.m. tomorrow. Fuck, dude. I'm so mad. I leave tomorrow at 7 a.m. I'm missing the goddamn... Wow, you

leave at 7 a.m.? Or I leave at... My flight's at 8.40, so I have to be there at like 7 or whatever. Fuck, I'm tired. This is the last episode of Come Town. Before we kill ourselves. Before we all kill ourselves. Nick's killing himself because of precipitous success that he's experienced in the last six months. I'm killing myself because I just want to stop feeling this way.

That's my reason we do have uh an old friend and a guest that we've actually we've shouted him out a couple times on the pod and he's a good pal of ours and we're really glad we could get him he's lives out here long dong mike foodie long that's true uh i that's my name, and I am endowed that way. Michael, are you nervous? Yeah, I'm nervous. More so than normal. Yeah, definitely. Michael's typically...

It's a lot of pressure being on this podcast. This is going to be a bad episode, so don't... Okay, I can believe that. Don't worry about being funny. Okay, that really takes the pressure off. so don't okay I can believe that don't worry about you know being funny okay that really takes the pressure on yeah

we just have to fill what 58 more minutes 57 more minutes not even dude I'd be surprised if it's even past a minute yet

check yeah it's at 32 seconds no fuck no way but yeah we got the big big boy foodie out here thanks for coming 32 seconds. No. Fuck no way. But yeah, we got the big boy foodie out here. Thanks for coming.

Lives in fucking Santa Monica, dude. I do. It's very nice. What's that stand for, Santa Monica? It is. It's named after Santa and Monica from Friends. Yeah. She put up with a lot of shit from Santa. That's a bit from our vacation day.

I like to drive around and I do a day laborer character. And then he's asking the names of players. But I think it's really funny to do a guy that obviously speaks Spanish natively, but he has trouble pronouncing. He's like, hey, do you know how to get to a, how do you say, a Santa, a Santica? Santa Monica. Santa Momon. How do you get to a Pasadena?

Is Pasadena even a Mexican or Spanish name I don't give a shit probably it probably sounds that way yeah the joke is that they can't you know

say Spanish stuff say Spanish stuff right it's a good joke yeah I like it yeah I like funny voices

so yeah me too that's uh you were saying earlier or I was saying earlier you take any any accent and you

instead of turds they say twerds it works with any accent where is the bathroom I have to make a twerd I have so many twerds in my eyes how do you get

to the bathroom because I have to I have to it's a twerd How do you get to the bathroom? Because I have to It's a twird That I have to take It's a twird I have to take twird? Oh, a bomba glut

I got so many twirds in me ass It sounds very good with the Jamaican I've got twirds in me ass. It sounds very good with the Jamaican. I've got twerd in me ass. Twerd in me ass. Yeah, it really works across the board. I was laughing again today, too. I had to look up again the history of Outback Steakhouse. Outback.

Yeah, he was doing this. Outback stands for South Africa Outback. It's a South African Outback. Hell yeah, dude. It's a South African team. I think it's actually Australian. You'd be wrong if you thought that. Well, what's funny about Outback Steakhouse is there's some investing article that has the history of the company.

It was founded by three guys in Tampa or whatever in 1987. Crocodile Dundee's big. Well, that's exactly what did it. None of them had ever been to Australia. They saw Crocodile Dundee. That's incredible. They were like, let's just make an Australian restaurant. And then they refused to go to Australia.

Beautiful. I don't think they've ever been. The guys that founded the thing. Yeah, what's food like in Australia? It's awful. Well, they deep fry a whole onion. Yeah. It's like Vegemite and shit

and boiled kangaroo tail. You have a weird fucking lump on your head. Yeah, I have a big mole on the top of my head. Stav is running his fingers through my hair. Oh, that's probably cancer. No, I've had it my whole life. Wow. I've been to dermatologists and they said that

insurance can't cover it because it's cosmetic. But when I go to the camps and they give me a prison-style style haircut everyone will know but until then i have to keep you know the are you making a trump concentration camp joke no just uh it doesn't have to be trump that's doing the concentration camps but uh you know so you're casting an even wider net with that yeah it could be like a phrenology like uh people know you're an imbecile from the bumps on your skull.

It's going to be great when Adam shows up to the concentration camp, and on day one people are going to be like, oh my God, you must have been here for years. And they see his body. People start killing themselves right away. I can't live like that. So you're here for being gay or Jewish? Are you here for the gay? Or Jewish?

Are you here for the gay part or the Jewish part? He's what we like to call a twofer around here. We get to count him twice. The high crime of ruining the podcast. It's going to be my camp. I would probably have to go to the camps for my socialist activism first and for being a proud member of the Democratic Socialist in America. Well, when I sell the DSA to the American Nazis

in 2020 and I take a big fat check from the American Nazi Party so they can buy the DSA from me, the owner. Oh, not your owner? You used to be president. I own 100% all the for me, the owner. Oh, not your owner? You used to be president. I mean, yesterday you were the president.

I own 100% all the copyrights to the DSA. Your owner operates. If you say socialism, you owe me $20. It's true. The Nazi party was the National Socialists, right? You know? But they might have been a DSA type. Yeah.

Well, I'm a capitalist socialist, so it's... Interesting. It's a new thing. It's cozy. Cozy. You ever see that restaurant DSA type. Yeah. Well, I'm a capitalist socialist. So it's a new thing. It's cozy. Cozy. That restaurant, Cozy. That's capitalist socialism. It's an ideology based off very shitty flatbreads. Well, no. The sandwiches are good, but they're expensive.

But then there's free refills on drinks. That's capitalist socialism. That's the socialist part. That's the socialist part. My dad discovered that restaurant a couple years ago, and he was obsessed with it. Why? So he's like, let's meet at the socialist part. That's the socialist part. My dad discovered that restaurant a couple years ago, and he was obsessed with it. Why? He's always like, let's meet at the Cozy.

Meet me at the Cozy. I'll meet you there. That's how my mom is with Panera. She's always like, it's my birthday. Do you want to go to Panera? My dad loves Panera, too. What kind of weird shit is that? It's like pretend nice food for shit is that it's it's like you know pretend nice food right

idiots poor people yeah i like that they give you an apple it's a panera yeah it's a nice treat yeah give that doctor away i never got the damn apple my dude yeah you go to bryce faces the bread the bread uh uh section is what I go for. You go bread. I go a piece of bread. Even when you get a sandwich, you get a bread on top of a sandwich.

Yeah, more bread, yeah. Nah, B. It's good bread, dude. It's pretty good bread. It's baked on premises. My brothers used to work at Panera Bread, so you know your brother

used to fuck around with them sour cheese loaves. We had a whole day we hung out at that Panera Bread, didn't we? Oh, yeah, me, you, and Dana. We were there for like a whole day. Why were we there for a whole day? I out at that Panera Bread, didn't we? Oh, yeah, me, you, and Dana. We were there for like a whole day. Why were we there for that?

I can't remember that or why, but we were at that Panera for like... Did you have a show in Baltimore, maybe? No, I don't remember. I think I was living in New York at the time, I think. I don't think so. I think I was. Really? Yeah.

Fuck, I don't know. Yeah, I remember we got Panera, and that's all I remember. Oh, I remember we made a joke about the Virgin Mary. Yeah, it was around Christmas, and the joke I made was the Immaculate Conception was the angel sucked off God and spit it in Mary's pussy. Yeah. Well, that is how it works. Yeah.

I guess it was more theology Than a joke But that's literally All I remember about that day I don't remember That's cool that you just Remember things in the context Of what jokes were said Yeah

Yeah Didn't we also go to that Antique store that day? I don't fucking remember Did we go? Fuck What happened that day? I don't know man

Were we molested? Our brains Yeah Dana raped us Yeah God damn it Dana man were we molested our brains yeah dana raped us yeah god damn it dana maybe we were molested foodie were you ever molested i don't think so right but like could explain the nerves maybe yeah no i thought sort of because i uh cried a lot for no reason i was very nervous maybe i got molested and just didn't remember.

The repressed memory theory, which is mostly bullshit, has enabled people to all steal molestation away from people. Steal molestation valor? Yeah. That was actually a topic on the last show. Oh, okay. Well, Mullen got molested. Some kid sucked his dick.

No, I didn't. He got molested. I didn't get molested. It was molestation. It was light. It, okay. Well. Mullen got molested. Some kid sucked his dick. No, I didn't. He got molested and he's... I didn't get molested. It was molestation. It was light. It was light. It was a light molestation. No, it's like sometimes kids play doctor. This was two kids playing molestation. This was, yeah,

they were playing suck your dick against your will. Yeah. That's actually, that was the original concept of Operation. The game Operation. You had to suck the guy's dick without him buzzing. Yeah. That was the original concept of Operation. The game Operation. You had to suck the guy's dick without him buzzing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what being a doctor was, just sucking people's dick.

That's why they used leeches. Yeah. In ancient Rome, yeah, the doctors were just guys that were gay. It was all about sucking, 100%. How about these doctors in the 40s and shit that when women came into them with anxiety or whatever, It was all about sucking, 100%. How about these doctors in the 40s and shit, that when women came into them with anxiety or whatever,

they just fingered them until they felt better? That shit was fucking awesome. Yeah, like in the 1800s. That's how vibrators were invented. It's crazy that that's like... Wait, that's real? Yeah, it's 100% real. Vibrators were invented by a doctor that had hand pain. He was tired of masturbating women.

I mean, they must have gotten hard, right hard i'm surprised that wasn't a nick episode or at least not in as much of the nick as i it's i've seen no it wasn't a nick episode you seen them all i've seen them all yeah that show's great that show's really good never seen it um i don't know We should ask Danny Hertz Our host's father Who's a graduate of Howard University Medical Center In Washington D.C. Yes we should ask him That's a great idea Let's involve people that aren't on mic

And are just passively in the fucking room They can't contribute to the fucking conversation You fucking imbeciles Do you have any more in jokes that you want to fucking tell I don't know. You guys were talking about going to a Panera one time. Yeah, that was interesting

for the people. It's called killing time. How about this? I bet no one's ever done this joke before. Pantera bread. Cool. It's the first time

that you get cowboys from hell. It smells like bread. It's the first time you get cowboys from... What's that? Smell? Smell. It smells like bread. Cowboys from smells like bread. Yeah.

I would eat that sandwich. Yeah. What are other Pantera songs? Respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T, their cover. They covered that? No, they had respect. Are you sucking my dick?

Yeah. Remember that one? No. Are you talking to me is the real lyric. Are you talking to me? I never listened to Pantera. I was busy listening to good stuff. Is Man in the Box Pantera? No, that's Alice in Chains.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I was listening to... Fucked it up? That's right, dude. What are you going to do? I blew the whole podcast. Didn't that guy die? Didn't Alice in Chains guy kill himself?

He died. He overdosed from heroin. Yeah, no, sorry. I wasn't listening to any of that. I was listening to Bach and things, smart things. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, no, sorry. I wasn't listening to any of that. I was listening to Bach and like things like smart things. Yeah, I was. Johann Sebastian. You were listening to classical music as a child?

Yeah, my parents kept me in very sheltered. Stone, ground, wheat, temple pilots. That's good. Thanks, man. Nick's eyes were in the back

rolled in the back of his head for the last 40 seconds coming up with that one it was incredible to watch him work yeah

he's like a computer he was like a slow computer yeah a slow gay computer he was buffering covered in cum that a lot of

homeless people beat up for I'm sure the listeners will enjoy this let's do more of these. Different types of heavy metal bread. Heavy metal bread. What a great segment.

Up there with Panera memories. How about this, guys? Meal-talica. Oh, that's good. Roman meal-talica. Oh, that's good. Roman meal-talica. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The... Juice-dis-priest?

That's just juice. What the fuck's that? Yeah, that's good. What about Judas-pressed? Yeah, there you go. Press bread. yeah that's good what about what about Judas pressed yeah there you go press bread

yeah yeah yeah yeah um iron iron made this bread today made in

pumper nickelback yay that's a that's a really good one um okay they're not really metal just seven seven or eight more of these

and then we'll move on um fuck so uh during the holocaust do you think that there are holocaust deniers that uh just think that oh some gay there were some gay jews so uh

there's some double counting going on so that got to six million so it had to have been at least three million gay jews so there's some double counting going on the numbers are inflated so that got to 6 million it had to have been at least 3 million tops it can't be 3 million because you got your jews you got your gays but what about your gay jews

they're counting them twice so 3 million jews died in the holocaust every jewish man was gay. Damn, dude. You cracked the fucking Da Vinci code there. The Dick Vinci. I just need to get my truth out there.

The Dick Vinci chode. Thank you. I made a lady in a Lyft almost cry today. Why? So, geez. The driver. First of all, let me. How a black sandwich instead of black sabbath tell your story while we keep thinking of these and not listen to you at all

i don't really it's not really that good of a story tell it it's not i mean i could have told you guys before the pod but sov said save it oh sure blame it on me it's not that bad storyteller all right so i was in the lift today and that you know they talk to you here not like in new york where they leave you alone and the guy said why are you here and i said i'm here to do a podcast to record the a podcast with my friends so the lady sitting next to me said smelt zeppelin that's all right how about the lead singer the lead singer of of stone temple pilots scott Scott Subwayland. Yeah, like Subway. Yeah, like Subway. That's good. I keep going at him. Anyway, so this lady said, oh, podcast.

What's it called? Hoagie Osborne is the lead singer. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Oh, Kazi Osborne. So anyway, so this lady said, what's it called?

And I said, I don't know. It's a comedy podcast. I didn't want to say Come Town because she was not the demo. She said, oh, well, the reason I ask is because I have a podcast. It's a politics podcast. So I said, oh, that's cool. I have a couple friends that have a politics podcast called The Chapo Trap House. And then she started. So you name dropped Chapo Trap House. And then she started...

So you name-dropped Chapo Trap House? In a lift. In a lift. To strangers? You fucking loser. You fucking nerd. I don't know. She asked what it was called,

and I said Chapo Trap House. No, that's not how you told the story. Well, I wanted to make the story quicker. I didn't want to... Why the fuck would you ever try to make anything quicker on this podcast? Okay, so I'll beat by beat tell you. What part of the last 15 minutes

of bread... Go ahead. Do you got a good one? Just let him go. Sherbata. Like Cher? Cher and Shabata but that's not even metal it's music you could have come up with a better one than that i think that's fine we'll come back to it

yeah anyway so ciabatta so she said to me that they are horrible people so i said well i think they're pretty nice they're you know friends of mine i don't think they're so they're so horrible about a boy like the movie about so okay so you're trying to have sex with this woman so you pull your cock out and you're like i know will medicare no i was like my dick i know felix no anyway i text amber sometimes she said they're horrible people and i said well i don't think they are and she said they have coordinated harassments on people on the internet and they especially and

they target with um women and persons of color so i said i don't think that's true i think you know you could disagree with someone without it being about you know their ethnic or sexual identity um and she proceeded to get really upset at me and uh and then at a certain point just started shouting um this conversation is over. Bon anchovies? Yeah. Like Bon what? Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi. That's not even a sandwich. We left. It's just food bands. So she was saying

this conversation is Like Cozzy Cosborn. Yes. Oh, like Cozzy. But I already said Cozzy Osborn. But now I want to make it more. Cozzy Cosborn.

How about a beet loaf? Like beets? want to make it more. Qazi Cosborne. How about beet loaf? Like beets? The vegetables? Yeah. Or meatloaf. Meatloaf just works. Meatloaf sandwich. That's good.

Yeah. Call it sandwich at the end of meatloaf. How about the beetles? The grateful bread. Oh, the grateful bread. That's good. I don't get it. Anyway, so she got quite upset at me.

And the end of the story is that I tried to apologize because she was upset. I was like, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. And I said, I'm a pretty nice person. I don't think i woke up today trying to make someone that i don't know upset and she said that's the problem that's the problem you're a good guy aren't you and i said yeah she's like that's the problem you can't even understand and i was like i really don't understand what That your life is being made worse by a podcast?

Yeah. You don't understand what it's like to be an irrational fucking retard. Like me, who screams at strangers in Uber pools. So, anyway. Jesus fucking Christ. I wish I had been in that car. I know. Imagine if she knew.

If she knew Shapo. Yeah. She knows us. Yeah. Well, my podcast, The Daily Show Off. I totally forget the name. So I forgot the name of her podcast. And then I was like, just as a matter of interest, what was the name of your podcast?

And she's like, I'm not going to tell you. Of course not. That's a good move. Which was probably not a good move because I wanted to look it up. But then, yeah, I mean, we wouldn't have harassed him. The end of the story is that the Lyft driver kept throwing his hands up like, wow, this lady is really, she's really crazy. And it got really quiet and I had about five, ten minutes left in the ride.

And just the silence was very awkward. So I just started talking to the driver. And I said, you know, Uber is a lot cheaper here in L.A. than it is in New York. And he said, well, we're not in Uber. We're in Lyft. And so I said to him, well, I deleted Uber because the CEO was sexist to women. And then I got out. You didn't fucking still try to impress this woman no because i wanted her to feel uh like i was feel bad to feel bad and i think i really got the last

word in there and i think i won the conversation and uh that was her name oh fuck i forget if she has a podcast i really want to know. We can engage in targeted harassment. I'd fucking target harassment if you open your goddamn mouth. That's right. And bring it upon yourself. Go through your Lyft history. Can I know what her name was?

I don't think it has the people that... No, it'll just have the driver, but not who you pulled with. Well, we'll kind of contact the driver and get them the nice thing about this podcast is because it has adam on it he's like just the target for harassment yeah it's true i get it from all sides folks the the right and uh first of all anyone that like bitches about targeted harassment online is usually the person behind targeted harassment campaigns. It's the people that try to get people fired and they're like, everybody go after this person. I brought that up and I was like, I think I said that this person that does that is maybe a little unhinged. And she's like, you're saying that because she's a woman.

I was like, no, I'm saying that because she tweets at people for 12 hours on end. Oh, who did she bring up sadie oh of course yeah so did she bring she brought up sadie and i was like well i think that maybe she's a little unhinged and she said obviously you would say that about a woman and i said no i think it's just weird that she tries to get yeah okay let's name any woman and let's see if i call her unhinged. Let's see how many women that applies to. Dame Judi Dench. Oh, yeah, she's unhinged.

Unhinged. Barbara Walters. My opinion of women in general is that they're unhinged. Yeah. There's not one specific fucking person. Apparently she thought that was gendered for me to use the term unhinged. And then after I said that... It's a door.

It's a door to a bathroom that anyone can use an opening that anyone can slide on into you know just uh yeah so uh so that was my guys you really can't talk shit on Hillary out here in L.A. like you could in New York. Yeah, everyone's a moron retard here. Especially if you go around the street, I'm just using gendered slurs left and right, and people are yelling at me and screaming at me and honking their horns. In a very, like you were saying earlier, you can't say any movie is bad, because someone might have worked on it.

You know, it's very similar. People are very strategic about their shit talk. Yeah, a lot of people have fucked the same children Hillary has over here. Yeah, it's true. It's sort of, you know, who knows what kind of pizza gate parties they're hanging out at. Wow, fuck, I wonder who that woman was. I really want to know now. She was Red Kahina, dude.

No, it wasn't. No, she wasn't coming from the left. I think she was coming from the center lib. She's a lib. She's a lib. Oh, I fucking hate libs. She's a fucking libtard. Yeah, she's a total libtard.

Michael, how do you feel about libs? I'm not a lib, but I think tactically it's immaterial whether it's the left or the lib because the median political ideology is so far to the right. Like the sort of infighting is just a game of competitive priorities. See, that's some smart type shit right there. Yeah, Foodie, you're smart as hell, dog. I disagree, bitch.

You little fucking bitch ass motherfucker. Yo, let's take his shoes. Take one of them. Make this man walk all in circles. We just want to have the other. I'm not just gonna hop around. Michael, what you should do is when this episode drops, you should put a rose emoji in your name on Twitter.

You'll get, like, more followers that way, I think. Probably. What are you gonna put a rose emoji in your name on twitter you'll get like more followers that way i think probably what are you gonna put a damn rose i'm never doing it yes you will no because it means that you're a virgin if you get rose means that you still have your you've never fucked your innocence i thought i thought i seriously thought the rose thing was like that's right I watched The Bachelor You thought it was just a super popular show All these people watched The Bachelor I guess

Yeah I thought the frog one was Sesame Street Hey you know before you find your prince You gotta kiss a lot of frogs Hey did you hear there's some podcast called Shit Town? Yeah. What the fuck, dude? They're stealing our whole vibe. Yeah, the people from Serial stole it.

Serial. They found out. Ira Glass found out about our shit. There's Crime Town and Shit Town. Crime Town. That's not as bad as Shit Town. Shit Town stole our essence, dude. That's a bad word and town.

Let's fuck them up that's like the first 13 episodes of this show prominently featured copyright infringed that like i don't fucking even if someone launched a podcast also called come town i would not give a shit dude that's why that was actually between you and me dude no uh i'm just how far off the deep end i am i don't believe in intellectual property rights no michael michael doesn't either what does that mean i'm a copy copy leftist yeah what does that mean you just use whatever the fuck you want yeah i don't know you know and i'm not even like coming in from like a critical standpoint it just doesn't make sense to me the idea that someone can own a fucking expression like if you like i because i i think freedom of expression is very important.

And I would support the idea, even though I think it's wrong, for you to be able to go to a very crowded area and say all black people are subhuman or whatever, use racial slurs, it's fine. That should all be protected speech. So if that's okay, I don't understand why you couldn't go to the same space and just draw mickey mouse will you give me five dollars

for this you'll get thrown in jail for that and it just doesn't like i don't understand why one's okay and it's not the other and i'm using that you know not to say that it hate speech or whatever should be illegal but that intellectual property rights really just don't make sense to me i agree yeah and i think we can just have norms like if you're doing totally unoriginal work yeah people can say oh that's not good i don't want to reward that yeah it doesn't get and then it's also bullshit because even then that would be copyright infringement the mickey mouse example because you say oh well you're taking money away from disney and it's like not really no it's not like somebody's gonna to be like,

oh, no, I don't need to consume anything Disney produces anymore because I have this drawing of Mickey Mouse that I can look at at my home. And I only paid $5 for it to some insane man. There's a bodega in East Williamsburg, which isn't there anymore, that used to have on the sign for the bodega, it had the Shrek donkey and Winnie the Pooh.

Hell, yeah. Well, a big part of Latino culture is copyright infringement. Yeah, Looney Tunes. Yeah, Looney Tunes. They love Looney Tunes. I love when you go to Bushwick or any Mexican neighborhood, half the businesses are like Disney font. Yeah, yeah.

There's a place on like the Lower East Side. No, sorry. It's in like Gramercy. And it's... Sorry, somebody's texting me something. Who's texting you? Why are you texting me? Come on, dude.

Put your phone away, dude. Is it business? Oh, I'll finish the story. There's a place on the Lower East Side called the CBGBs, and that's where all the rockers used to go. You got the Ramones, the Stone Temple Pilots. You got fucking... And if you thought that was good, now it's a John Varvatos.

Yeah, it is a John Varvatos. And there's a CBGBs in Newark Airport now. Wow. Truly the pauper has become the prince. I remember my first time at CBGB's, I saw a yellow card. It was fucking awesome, dude. Wait, when it was still open? Oh, yeah, dude.

You went up there? You saw it? Oh, dude, speaking of yellow card, do you know what street Stav and I were on today in santa monica and uh and venice ocean ocean avenue oh sorry it's grammar see there's a place it's called uh their logo is just the paramount logo but it's called danny's two cleaners i love that in new york so many businesses are just called the original business two. It's like, it's not a fucking sequel to a business.

That's not how this shit works. They already had one. They're like 90 Ray's pizzas, right? There's like famous original Ray's. There's original Ray's. Oh, I don't know. I'm just talking about the ones that are like. There's not Ray's.

There's a Ray's pizza by mine that's called not Ray's pizza. Oh, that's funny. And I just mean like there's shit mean there's Olympic Diner 2. It's like, just name it Olympic Diner. Who gives a fuck? I like in DC how everyone's fighting about who had the original jumbo slice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the idea of having a pizza and just like, we're not going to cut it into as many slices. Bigger pizza, and we're not cutting it as often,

and this is the Tesla of pizza. We're changing the pizza game up. You know what? You sold that idea. Thank you for putting the idea of copyright infringement and intellectual property into terms I can understand,

because I was not following earlier when you guys were talking about Mickey Mouse, but when you talked about jumbo slice, I'm right there with you, and I agree. I think you can't take intellectual property. Right. You can't own ideas, brother. Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, man. The idea of a caveman, he figures out fire, and then another caveman's like, oh, yeah, I'm going to do that so that I don't freeze the... Sorry, mom. That's my thing. That's mine. It's basically the elevated version of what we've talked about before on the podcast of copying like he's copying stop copying

me yeah it's like now corporations are literally eight-year-old boys so then what what happens if so this is just no value in coming up with a good idea like a good idea first well like if you look at the history of like books and stuff most of them were held in libraries. The idea that, like, you individually own your books, like, it was a public or semi-public, like, consolidated collection of documents. So it's sort of like giving a property right in order to have artists be compensated instead of just like, oh, well, we'll have patrons of the art. Right, right, right, right, right. Yeah, exactly. And look at this. All these years later in 2016 and 2017, a little plucky podcast by the name of Comptown would find a website called patreon.com. Yeah, we're the future of ideas capitalism here.

Yeah, it's true. Ideas socialism. Professor Lawrence Lessig would be so proud. So, Nick. Yeah. How's it going? Oh, I'm all right. Thinking like toast something, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Toast what? I was trying to come up with something with fucking Rush, but that's too easy. Crush. Rush. Crush. Rushgetta? Crush.

Rushetta. Rushetta. Crush. No, dude. Rushetta. Rushetta. That's good. Yeah, all right.

Did you take the B off? Yeah. Foody, did you ever do any weird shit as a child? It seems like you might have been a strange child. Of course. I did weird stuff. I used to read Dungeons and Dragons books and just never play. How about Toast to Toast with George Norrie?

I don't know what that is. It was coast to coast. Oh. I don't get that. It's a radio. It would be like a radio show. It's kind of like music. Toast to Toast.

What was it? Just a general radio show uh yeah I think so conspiracy thing it's not a particularly well known radio show that rhymes with toast did you say you used to read the Dungeons and Dragons manual and just never play using you the rules

yeah just memorize the rules the Dungeons and Dragons manual and just never play? Using you the rules? Yeah, just memorize the rules. Hell yeah, dude. What about prank? Didn't you used to do prank calls? Isn't there a good ass story? Oh, yeah. I think that was on the podcast. I stole that story. Oh, you stole it? Well, just tell me. Oh, yeah. It did prank calls and

normally I would be like, do you want to get magazine subscriptions i'm selling magazine that's your prank he's just telemarketing for free but like in a retarded voice okay yeah nice okay okay okay that's good that's comedy i couldn't think of anything i call up this woman and i'm like i'm gonna kill you that's fucking awesome it's so good dude i'm gonna kill you in grade school i started this rumor that uh my friend tommy we were talking about how we all had like a friend that we bullied named and all the time yeah i mean do you have a Tommy, Nick? No, I didn't have a Tommy. I'm sorry.

Oh, fucking bitch. And we would call up the local radio station and request Teddy Bear by Elvis Presley to Tommy Skinner because we started the rumor that he took his teddy bear

and cut a hole where the pussy would be and put his mom's underwear in it and fucked it. In elementary school? This was middle school. Okay, middle school. Okay, okay.

And we're waiting for the bus, the school bus. When it was snowy, we went into the baseball field and stomped out Tommy Loves Teddy in the snow across the whole field. Wow. I looked him up and he's a sexual predator. I don't know what for.

You can get on those lists for public urination or something. You've got to leave an open mind. Do you think you drove him to fucking children? his list for like public urination or something so maybe maybe uh yeah it's just one of those you gotta leave an open mind do you think you drove him to fucking children or do you think he was getting molested while you were also bullying him and then he became a sexual predator i think the most likely thing is like we made fun of him for a reason because he was a strange fellow right and that strangeness manifested later in life like it's not like my bully maybe i mean i was very inconsiderate of this person oh bullying is the best yeah i do think that our bullying had some effect on on my tommy

on tommy georgiani into becoming a street magician and a rabbi I'm like and a failed rabbi for like such a weird weird guy like

and a very dorky guy I was surprisingly bullying did you not did you not bully or did you not get bullied I

I basically just picked up on my dynamics that I was like second weakest so like in prison you just find someone worse than you and just beat the shit out of him I basically just picked up on the dynamics that I was like second weakest. Like in prison, you just find someone worse than you and just beat the shit out of them. And rape them all the time. Wait, what did you... You told me that when you were working that job after college as a paralegal, you got

everyone to bully someone? There was this girl who always was like, oh, I'm out of work. Can you give me more work? Oh, my God. And she was overweight. And we would have an inner office email chain. She was overweight? And we would just refer to her as F and then the at symbol.

That's funny. F at symbol is out of here. Is there a way you can work that into like a bread thing? Hold on. Well, she had too many carbs. There he is. Yeah, she worked plenty of bread into her thing. She had bread through her pussies when I'm getting that.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Watch it, bitch that. Oh, yeah. Okay. Watch it, bitch. Shut up, man. Oh, boy. Don't make me fuck you, dude. Next time you yawn, I'm putting my hard dick in your mouth.

I can't. I can't do it. You can't suck my dick? I can't stay awake here. Sorry. It's all right, dude. We got some nice bully tales. Foodie the surprising bully did

she ever find out you called her fat i i don't think so but like we did it just on the office email yeah and they were probably monitoring it they probably just knew that we were monsters i love working a dumb ass office dude it's it's amazing like when everyone's relatively young, the sense of the cliquishness. Right. It's like school, for sure. I was just amazed that I got to be in the cool group. The cool group, yeah. I thought that was amazing.

They're just like, hey, you seem cool. Oh, man, that's such a rush. The standards are so much lower. I remember I worked at a fucking, I was a paralegal for one year at a foreclosure law firm in Baltimore. And fuck, dude, that was one of the most depressing jobs I've ever had. I remember there were no, I think one of the partners killed himself because they were embezzling money. But there was no standard of fucking professionalism

whatsoever everyone's getting sexually harassed like 24-7 by who the lawyers yeah like but not even lawyers

like yeah lawyers and then like the bosses and there's this one guy who just this one fucking ugly ass white trash woman he made her

take pictures of her pussy oh my god shifts off and it's just ugly as bitch like okay we just go to the fucking we go to the parking lot and just take a picture of her pussy we all knew she was doing it and everyone was just like okay with it i don't find like just a picture of the pussy no that's the other thing that's so weird it's not appealing like you need context it's just like it's a power thing and then he would show everyone her put like everyone would see yeah i think that's the thing it's like it was gross i didn't want to see her pussy

it was fucking disgusting. You're just not... That place fucking sucked, man. What was this? The foreclosure place? The foreclosure law firm. Yeah, it was called Morris Hardwick and Schneider. Didn't you get fired from there?

Oh, I got fired big time. I stopped working. From the pussy showing place? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty amazing. Well, I stopped doing work. You got Fiverr not looking at the pussy? Yes, I won't do it.

They're like, we can't list that as the reason. There's something uppity about that fat, bald boy. I had longer hair back then. There he is. The no pussy looker. You're not fitting in with our corporate culture. We're going to need to see that taint. I would flash taint.

No, I just stopped working there. I just... Basically, I felt bad because it was a foreclosure for a law firm. So I got hired in July and I worked for a month. And then like in August, I started slowing down. By September, I wasn't doing anything. And then I didn't get fired till March of that next year. It's surprising how long inertia will just carry you forward.

It was incredible. I worked, my law firm was asbestos settlements all day, like looking for, sorry. Oh no.

No. Sorry. This is x-ray, not a CT scan. Just looking for poor people to fuck up a comma on something so they don't get their money from a fucking sorry this is slumlord this is past the time bar for oh that's that's i felt horrible working in a place like that yeah just stealing money from the poor i just made a

spreadsheet that did my job and then took four hour luncheses. That's incredible. I'm glad I work at a good law firm right now that fights for women to get money from their husbands. That's where I'm working. Yeah, dude. What do you think is legal but shouldn't be legal? What is legal but shouldn't be legal? Oh, interesting. Like, copyright should be legal but

but what's the other end like what what's something that you could do uh not fucking not fucking me every every woman i want to fuck not denying you should be illegal yeah women owe me sex you're entitled to sex yeah thank you. Yeah, thank you. It's about time someone... I think societal beauty standards should be illegal. Everything should be much more body positive. I think... We're saying things that should be legal or should be illegal. Should be illegal. Trans fats.

Trans fats? Trans fats should be illegal. I don't know. Is that what you said? No, they're delicious. I don't know, dude. I don't give a fuck about society like maybe

getting a midget and having plastic surgery on the midget so that it looks like a child like a specific child is that illegal

is that yeah and then taking a video of you having sex with someone's son it looks just like

their son nailing it to him. That's awesome. That is so tight. That might be the perfect crime. It's totally illegal. It's totally legal. You can't get me cappers.

That's legal. I'll do it again. Michael, you in another life really could have been a criminal mastermind. You have the perfect brain for it. You really have an outside-the-box thinking. Oh, man. I can't wait to do that with Adam's children. What do you mean?

I'm going to find me just to look like your children. The story about the guy that got arrested for bringing Simpsons porn into Canada. Yeah. I love that story. Because I can't imagine needing to bring Simpsons porn. For a trip? Yeah, for a trip. And it's on vacation.

I need specifically my Simpsons pornography. My suitcase is half full of Marge sucking off Lenny. I don't bring enough socks when I go somewhere. I always fuck up and bring the wrong size toothpaste. You're going to bring the wrong you have

specifically you have your Simpsons porn. I'm surprised it's illegal. No one's hurt. I guess the copyright. No, it's illegal in Canada. Oh hurt. Is it copyright? I guess the copyright. No, it's illegal in Canada. Oh, okay. Some obscenity thing?

Yeah, because it depicts, and the way it works in the U.S., I guess, like, you know, Lisa Simpson is far enough away from being an actual child that it's not illegal. Okay. But in Canada, it would be. Oh, so child porn. I see. I guess, yeah. I said The Simpsons child porn. I see. I guess, yeah. I said The Simpsons. That means all of them.

Oh, I just thought it was Marge with big-ass knockers. Yeah, that's depraved. I thought it was wholesome Simpsons. Yeah, that's horrible. Marge with big-ass fucking knockers. It was Krusty the Clown, and each point from his hair is going into a different one of The Simpsons females' pussies.

from his hair is going into a different one of the Simpsons females. Pussies. I think it's funny that on the free sites, like, you can get anything, but they have the ads for, like, the cartoon porn. Like, that'll cost ya. You get this good

free porn. Everything, and then it's like, but if you want to see Brianrian griffin have sex with lois finally fuck lois that'll be 18.99 a month you're gonna want to do this well i think that's really where the last of the money is in porn is in really specific fetish because like if you're really into like one specific thing i'm sure you can get it but you actually because there's scarcity right you can you can control scarcity yeah yeah so i knew these girls in uh in oakland who were like all living in a punk house and we're all doing hair fetish porn because they all had really big bushes okay and they were like making a ton of money and their

primary demo was dads in the midwest because a dads in the midwest don't know how to get free porn and b that's a very you know specific fetish they like that fucking harry potter yeah yeah nice i like a woman all natural i want to fucking i've talked about it before but i'll be a cam boy. If anybody's interested, let me know. Sell me your prices. I want to be a cam boy. Well, I did get Nick Anstaff luchador masks in Mexico. Yeah, that was always my backup plan in life,

is to cam boy with a luchador mask on. Well, now that I've seen your penis, that would be something. Oh, yeah, what'd you think? I don't understand how your foreskin does that. I know, it's weird. You really weren't lying. I'm not lying. My foreskin completely enveloped my dick. So you have phermosis does that I know it's weird You really weren't lying I'm not lying my foreskin completely enveloped my dick So you have phimosis is that what it's called

Yeah yeah yeah phimosis Bro you should legit just get a circumcision I can't get circ'd dude Why you can't at all I'd be a traitor to my people Dude you should get a circumcision I can't get circ'd up You should get an acrobat or a clown

The circ-dis-a-lay Wait so but your orgasms Don't they say that orgasms with a circumcision are more powerful because there's nerve endings that are no no it's better to be uncircumcised no that's what i'm saying yeah orgasms without a circumcision are more powerful yeah because they're more nerve and yeah but i don't think that counts for me Because my dick is wrapped up in Skin So you Do you like come Inside your skin?

No it pops The top of my head pops out a little bit The top of my dick head will pop out Just enough Pissing has to be such an adventure for you No no no Pissing's fine This is just a nice

Even stream Is keeping it clean a challenge? You know shockingly no I don't know smegma not a lot of smeg i'll take it you know sometimes i really want to be meticulous i'll get in there but usually i just sit in a warm uh epsom salt bath for 45 minutes a day and that'll do it dude just soak my dick it's epsom salt versus regular salt? It's a different chemical that's a salt. So it's not sodium, what's it, chloride?

I think it's potassium chloride. Potassium chloride. But don't quote me on that, Comptown fans. Is that what, when people see you smoke salts, bath salts, is that what you're doing? No, it's a different shit. You're not smoking Epsom salts? No. Like from your mom?

How crazy would it be if somebody was just like, holy shit, you can get fucked up off this stuff. No one knew. No one knew for years. This whole time. I had a friend in high school who used to eat morning glory seeds. He would chop up the packets of morning glory seeds. You can get those offline.

You can just get them at the grocery store. Oh, you can? Yeah, or like a gardening center. Oh, wow. And then he would eat them, and he's like like yeah they got like pesticides on them though so you like throw up and then you trip what the fuck is morning glory you trip it's like a it makes you like yeah this is good selfie dude that guy that guy used to take uh dramamine also you take too much dramamine and he's like yeah yeah, dude, you gotta take it with an Adderall so you don't pass out.

And then you start seeing dead people. And I'm like, that doesn't sound like a good time. People in the 70s used to try smoking the inside of banana peels. Oh, yeah. There are all these fads to do drugs without doing drugs.

Would nutmeg fuck you up? I think it's very poisonous in quantity. I think it's not good for you. Yeah. What? This shit's delicious, though, dude. Yeah, if you, like... So should I shit a little oatmeal?

Smoke some Christmas, you know? A little eggnog. That's how you get that Christmas cheer. Get your holiday cheer in a bottle. I just put eggnog directly into my veins, dude. I can tell. I'm looking at you. Yeah.

What? What do you mean? What the fuck is eggnog? That shit's gross. That shit does suck. It's like, is it egg yolk? Egg yolks and whiskey. And like spices.

Egg yolk, whiskey, and fucking... That's absolutely disgusting. Cardamom. We've been watching the Great British Baking Show. Have you seen that shit? I've watched it before, but I'm not into it. Like, lots of people are into it. It seems like a positive, nice show.

The fucking rules. I don't understand how it's different than any other fucking cooking show. Yeah, because it's not... They don't do the gimmicks. They don't do the reality show gimmicks. The gimmick is that it's British. No, it's not a gimmick.

Listen, it's all about skills. It's a gimmick country. Listen, Edith, England is a gimmick country. Fucking Brexit, dude, right? Oh, yeah. You guys want to rap about Brexit real quick? Yeah, let's get back to it.

Let's get into some real expertise on continental politics. Shit, let's get back to it. Let's get into some real expertise on continental politics. Shit, man. Fucking Jeremy Irons. Starring some guy who just read an article. They said they were gonna do it and looks like they did it.

You know what I think is interesting? Oh boy, he's about to do it. Everybody's talking about Brexit and have you ever thought about how Brexit kind of sounds like British exit? What? I thought it just sounded like breakfast.

It sounds like crumpet to me. It sounds like something they would do at high or low tea. They have high tea. We already did this joke on the show. Oh, we did. Yeah, you fucking imbecile. I saw your eyes get wide, and knew you were gonna fucking do a joke you know it's so you know we talk about bullying a lot and bullying is so funny i really think it's

funny when it's just the guy is not in on it and ow i just slapped adam you didn't slap me the guy is yes i did didn't i slap him yeah adam did get slapped when the guy's in on it and he becomes a pilkington-esque character for for who a pilking pilkington who the fuck is carl pilkington the idiot from the ricky he's like the you of the ricky gervais show the adam no you just stop us he's sexy and has a big ass dick. Yeah, that's what I meant. What makes something a bitch slap? Sounds cool. That guy sounds cool. As opposed to just normal slap. Backhand, I think, is a bitch slap.

Backhand is bitch slap? I think if the person you slap is a bitch, that's what makes it. It's the object of the slap. I remember when I was a kid, my parents are obviously foreign, but the first time my mom heard slap upside the head, she thought it was the funniest thing. She thought the term upside was like the funniest thing she'd ever heard. She'd like keep calling back to it. I didn't get it at all.

She's like laughing. Did she slap you upside the head? She heard it on the Chris Rock show on HBO. She was like. Oh, so she was laughing at a joke. No, she was laughing upside the head? She heard it on the Chris Rock show on HBO. So she was laughing at a joke. No, she was laughing at the word upside. And she was like, last night your father and I were watching the Chris Rock show, and he said, slap upside the head. And she could not get it up.

What should it be instead? Upside. Just slap the... No, I i mean it makes sense to me i'm goddamn what the fuck is upside i've known the expression but it just means i'm gonna knock up the side of your head up the side of your head i don't think the direction actually matters i think it's just yeah slap the side of the head doesn't flow as well. Yeah, upside the head. Yeah, it sounds way better. I'll slap you upside your head. I wish I was dead.

You will be soon, dude. What do you think, three months? No, much longer. Yeah, that'd be sweet. Foodie, where do you think he really is going to die? If I had to guess, probably mid-60s. Okay. Yeah, on the early side, like nothing ridiculous what about me from

what what do you think um gay suicide i think suicide but it's like he'll never care enough he'll do it a hunter he'll do it a hunter s thompson way oh wow that's high regard yeah no you will you'll have breakfast one day people just aspire to have the same suicide. I was going to say hepatitis, but... Hepatitis sounds so much more right. No. Like the untreated herpes he claims he doesn't have. I think Nick's just going to eat breakfast one day and then just say,

well, I'm going to do it and then do it. Is that what Hunter is comfortable doing? I think, yeah. I think he was just like, that's it. You think? How did he kill himself? You know, it's in my opinion. He just decided.

That's what you call a Brexit. You have breakfast and then you egg. That's a real thing. Very nice. Did we ever do one with sourdough? Did we ever do a... No, I was thinking about that the whole show. That's why I stopped talking for about 35 minutes.

I was like, there's got to be a good sourdough one. Let's think. When Stavros sits on a chair, that's a Brexit because he sits and the chair breaks. Hey, wait, what the fuck? Yeah, that's good. It's a Brexit. Breakfast is when Stav sits down to eat breakfast. Really fast?

The chair breaks. Eat a sandwich really fast. Fast. Yeah. Fuck, what could be sourdough? Dough. Showerdough. No. That's not a movie. What rhymes with dough?

Let's just think of band names. You know what? Well, that's a good place to end the episode. I mean, it is. We've done enough time here. Wonderful. Yeah. You guys, it's been great, Michael, for having me. Michael, thanks for coming.

So much for doing it. Honestly, though, that midget, making a midget into a child shit, that's some of the funniest jokes I've ever heard in my life. That's one of the funniest jokes we've had on this podcast. That was really good. Sorry I got real quiet. You know, that's life, I guess. So thanks, man. Thanks, man.

Yeah, yeah. All right.