The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 5 – Cum Angels

Episode Date: June 8, 2016

Ive had to type out this description nine times because the podcast host is fucked up and wont upload the episode and I’m not typing it out again. Bonnie was on, shes great. I want to go to sleep

I swore an oath and that means something. A new cop with much to prove to her family. This cadet is the first woman in our family to join the service. Constable Sabrina Soho. To her team. I think you're a good cop. Yeah, you think I'm a good brown cop. I worked for what I got.

And to herself. I never said that the system's perfect, but I'd rather fight from inside it to make a change instead of burying my head in the sand. Allegiance. New episode. Wednesdays. Launch free on CBC Gem. I'm out. Come town, episode... Uh, five. Ooh, ooh! Episode five, bitch. Uh, yeah, so, uh, we did this one backwards.

We already recorded the second half with our guest bonnie mcfarlane hilarious who was love it yeah i feel like it was pretty good um yeah it was good it was all right and listen it's gonna be much better than the you know the bullshit we're about to do yeah so we did it backwards so we got to do the first half now uh which is pretty unorthodox for us every single one of these episodes is actually scripted. We script the whole fucking thing. Except the one where we argued and Seth and Ronald, or what was it?

Yeah, I don't know. Baltimore Comedian. I don't know. I wasn't there for that one. Oh, yeah, you weren't there. I was only there for the Seth part. Yeah. There's this guy, Seth Dickfield, apparently,

that's been doing the podcast. Almost as much as us. Well, yeah. Yeah, he's around pretty often. So, yeah. So, Stav just spent the weekend in Atlantic City. I was in beautiful AC, baby. Yeah, I was there.

It was a working trip. I'm going to mention my erotic Instagram again. I took a bunch of nude pictures on a public Jersey beach. I just had my dick wagging in the sea. Was it a nude beach? No, just like a regular beach. I feel like all beaches in Jersey are nude beaches. Yeah, they're all getting fingered beaches for sure. They're all nude beaches. You have to do steroids to go to them.

I had to do a lot of pull-ups. The lifeguards wouldn't let you in the water unless you did 10 pull-ups on the lifeguard station. What percentage of the male population of New Jersey do you think is on anabolic steroids? Like a legitimate guess? Yeah. Seven percent? Is that low? I'd say it's much higher than that. You think so?

Seven percent is a good amount of people. Yeah, but I think it's probably closer to like 72%. Yeah, actually, thinking about it now, 72 sounds a lot better. Yeah, that's a lot better. 72% of just the men or just, are you talking every man? Men and women. Yeah, babies. Yeah.

Old ladies doing fucking lat pull-downs. Yeah, Italians need testosterone. Italians, 100%. Don't get me wrong. Italians, they can't live without anabolic steroids. They actually have a brain virus. It makes them require trans fats and anabolic steroids. The steroids, they dilate their fucking shitty clogged arteries.

They're moving off gnocchi and... Ragu. Sauce. Gravy. Gravy. That's so fucking stupid we've been meaning to have like an Italian bashing episode

yeah for a while you know what and it's maybe I'm being a little bit unfair to Italians but in an age

where you're not really allowed to be racist anymore you can still be racist towards Italians oh anything you say I can't stand

when Italians are like hey whoa come on man I can't stand when an Italian's like, hey, whoa, come on, man, I'm Italian. It's like, no, get the fuck out of here. Well, the reason it's like they'll never be able to stop that is because, you know, with other minority groups, you know, like people, I remember when I was like a teenager, like it's being racist towards black people has just never really been okay.

Right, right. That one's always been off. Well, you could be really racist for the beginning of this country, but after that... No, I mean in the last, like, since I've been alive. Oh. That one's always been off limits. In Greektown, Baltimore, Maryland, it's always been very... I think in most communities, in half of the communities in America, it's been okay.

But I know what you're saying, though. Well, I'm saying that I remember being like 12, and I remember thinking like, huh, it's weird that you're like, you know, it's like really messed up if you said something like, if you used a racial slur towards a black person, but I can spend all day being like, yeah, Chinese guys got tiny dicks.

And it's just funny, and they laugh at it, and I say it to their faces, and they smile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They smile. Yeah, right. Play. They smile and they play chopsticks. So what happened was eventually Asian people got angry and, you know, with Suey Park

and all, you know, Arthur Chu who does, you know, to be fair have a very tiny dick. So I don't know. That is true. We don't want to slander him. He does have a micro penis. He does have a really tiny, he has an extremely small dick, so for legal purposes we're not going. He does have a micro penis. He does have a really tiny, he has an extremely small dick. So for legal purposes, we're not going to.

We have to say that. Just a disclaimer. Legally, Arthur Chu has a very, very small dick. Microscopic. It's like a match head. It's just a little red match head dick. It's the same color as every match head. That's how he fucks.

He strikes it. He has to rub it against a pubic hair. It makes a little pop noise. I've finished. I've finished sex. But it's racist. But they got angry, and that's why people don't make Asian jokes anymore. They cancel Colbert shit.

As misguided as it was, that shit wound up working. You think it worked? I think it did. But why Italians will never be able to do that is because they're already angry. There's no next level. Yeah, they can't get angrier. They're like the Hulk. They could do like the Sopranos episode.

They're the Hulk in the sense that they like to wear shitty purple clothes. Dude, I have an anecdote about my not knowing that you can't be racist because I grew up around a bunch of fucking animal Greek people who fucking just were the worst people on earth. I remember a life lesson one of my friend's dads taught me. Well, the Greeks are just Italians without any industry. Right, but we've been really coasting on democracy forever. That's true. That's what we got. But like this fucking guy, he's a piece of shit.

His name is Haralambos. Haralambos? Haralambopulos. Which is such a fucking stupid name. He's just one of the worst people I've ever met in my fucking life. Like a lesson he gave his one of the worst people i've ever met in my fucking life uh like a lesson he gave his son was the worst thing the worst thing a man can be number one a gambler number two a faggot i was like at his that's like at his son's 16th birthday party lessons he's just

telling all his male friends you know well that was okay again like a homophobia was fine until like honestly people think it's like it was three years ago yeah three years ago probably i remember i was thinking about i was driving behind um one of those uh like a scooter like a piaggio scooter yeah and i remembered in vice city which like grand theft auto vice city which came out in like 2002 or right right yeah yeah middle school yeah the name of that bike was like the faggio and the joke was like because it's for faggots get it uh here's a video game for children where we literally call people faggot right right well for children you're getting your dick sucked in the back seat and all this shit yeah but but it's

you know you can't see it yeah you're right it counts but no i know home before it was good but i'm just i'm just like i'm painting the picture of the kind of people I grew up around. So when I got to middle school, I thought it would be a funny joke to tell my friends who was wearing Tommy Hilfiger. Hey, nice Tommy Hil-n-word. You know what I mean? Just say it. It's fine. I'll bleep it later.

You're not going to bleep it. There's no way. I absolutely won't. What you're going to do is isolate it and just play the clip over and over again. That's the new theme song. And these fucking Jews from Northwest Baltimore were horrified. Immediately snitched on me. Immediately told all these black kids.

And luckily I was in the nerd class. So the one black kid in it was like very meek and shit but if they had told like any other kid and luckily I had more black friends than they did and if they had

any non-nerd black friends I would have been fucked in that school but yeah that's what I thought was acceptable coming out of the Greek community. Very, very racist. Well, it's just a bad joke. You know? I mean, if it had been a better,

inward joke. I don't think it was. I don't think. That's why you offended those Jews. It's because you offended their humor sensibilities. Yeah, you're right. They're all writing for fucking Fallon right now. They're all Emmy award winning.

They came up with smashing. Anyway, whatever. Smashing what? Eggs on your head. Oh, we should plug this. Last week you said national slam poons in conversation. Oh, yeah, yeah. That was a good one.

Yeah, thank you. National slam poons. I haven't decided what to do with that. I'll probably just tweet it out eventually right now, actually. Do you want to talk about, because we don't really have to fill that much time. Yeah. We got a decent chunk with Bonnie. Good stuff.

Stick around, baby. Yeah, so the second half is definitely going to be the part. You know, really, just fucking don't send me criticism and say, well, the last one, someone keeps DMing me and they're like, you got to tell that other guy to stop laughing. Oh, me? Yeah. Yeah, fuck you, man. Yeah, fuck that guy. Ha, tell that other guy to stop laughing. Oh, me? Yeah. Yeah, fuck you, man. Hey, buddy.

Suck my dick, pal. That's what I got to say to you. Which, no, I don't. We don't have to just don't. I mean, continue to subscribe to the podcast, but don't listen to it. If you got a problem, pal, rate us five stars, subscribe, and then don't listen to the podcast. That's what I got for you. Thank you very much

Please give us money and buy the t-shirts When they come out There's just going to be t-shirts we've cummed on Yeah so Harambe the gorilla Harambe What a name That story

Harambe sounds like a thing a racist calls a black person Well pretty much every ape at the zoo They give it a name Because that's the one place you're allowed to be a racist still Is at the zoo The guy who names the animals at the zoo Is like can we call this one Yeah I'm sorry I'm not that creative

I forgot that we were recording this I just remembered my own sense of humor I thought you were about to Yeah I thought you were about to I forgot that we were recording this. I just remembered my own sense of humor. Yeah, I thought you were... You had a very similar moment to me seven minutes ago on the podcast. The name of this episode is just going to be the letter N with a bunch of asterisks after it. And then a comma,

and then another N with a bunch of asterisks. But yeah, that Harambe story was great. Because I love that people were like, well, he was, it looked like he was protecting that little boy. It's like, you're protecting him from what? Like, you know, the other gorillas. It's like, oh, okay. So yeah, that was the one that wasn't a problem. And it's also like, just imagine the outrage if the one zookeeper had been loading the gun. And then another zookeeper was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's see how this plays out. Yeah, let's see what happens here with this. Oh, okay, that little boy's dead. So that's my fault. My bad. Sorry. Yeah, that's fucking hilarious. You killed a beautiful, majestic ape.

Yeah. And then, you know what? I was having so much fun making fun of Harambe on Twitter. And then that piece of shit, Muhammad Ali had to die. Oh, no. And ruined that story. Can you believe it, dude? He did it to take away from.

That's very selfish. Yeah, that selfish piece of shit. Of you trolling. I like how everyone I know now is suddenly an expert on Muhammad Ali. I love that, too. It's like, and not the usual stuff where it's, like, just a link. Everyone is posting their own, like, three-paragraph Facebook status. Like, yeah, he was fucking cool.

Muhammad Ali was tight. I loved – like, I liked him. But he didn't fucking affect – there's no way he affected you that way. And also, you're a white guy from the fucking – I mean, maybe if you're like a black dude who was growing up in that era or around there, you know, but like there was just a lot of white guys from like suburbs that were like, change race relations, man. It's like that guy did not help your life at all. He made your life a little worse, actually. Yeah. Thinking about it.

I was surprised he was still alive, actually. Yeah. He was one of those guys that I didn't, I assumed was dead. You know what blew my mind? When Rosa Parks died. Yeah, right? When Rosa Parks died. Yeah, I thought she was Harriet Tubman for a while.

Yeah, yeah. I was like, what do you mean? Like 100 years ago? It was also funny because it's like, yeah, it's sad that he died and everything. But then you see what he looked like. And it's like, oh, we should cancel boxing. No one should box. This is the greatest boxer ever

and he can't fucking raise his hand like it looks like well there's zero evidence that uh parkinson's came from boxing you know um it all the times he got punched in the head repeatedly probably had nothing to do with that totally i mean ct is a lie it doesn't exist uh watch the nfl folks watch us uh pay black people to hurt each other for her amusement i wonder though with parkinson's like it's one of those things where like you know how like so if you have add and you take adderall it calms you down but if you don't have add and you take adderall it you know it's speed you know ramps you up so i'm thinking like with parkinson's you know if you're just a ADD and you take Adderall, it's speedy. It ramps you up. So I'm thinking like with Parkinson's, if you're just a guy and you're a boxer for 20 years and you get Parkinson's later in life,

if you're a guy like Michael J. Fox who never boxed, if we just beat the fuck out of him repeatedly, just smash him over the head with baseball bats, could we save Michael J. Fox? I think so, dude. There's only one way to find out yeah we're doing a show called bat to the future let me say hit him in the back of the head with a baseball bat to save michael j fox did you see them on fallon i don't know if it's found you know what it might have been uh kimmel they had they had some late night show. They had them on and they come out and fucking Christopher Lloyd is like

demented. He's old as shit. He's like, where are we? He's like, we're in the future. He's like, no, literally, where are we? Are we doing the sketch now? When are we on, Michael?

How old am i does anyone know where my car keys are yeah it was like hard to watch because you thought you would feel bad for michael j fox who's dying but it's christopher lloyd who should have been dead like 30 years oh yeah because he was already remember how like old he looked in one flew over the cuckoo's Nest? Oh, yeah, the Cuckoo's Nest. Not even. Yeah, that was 70-whatever. 75? I don't know. I have no idea.

You don't know? I don't know. I'm usually pretty good with that. Movie years? I want to say 76, but that's just because you said 75. I want to say a different number, but close to it. So, I'm batting that you're kind of close, and I want to steal that. Okay. That'd be good.

All right. Well, that's probably that's good. Yeah, that's good. So, yeah. Apologies to Adam, who we had to cut out of this one. We were going to. Well, honestly, like this one. You know what?

I did it. It was my fault the last time that Adam couldn't do the podcast. I like it was a scheduling issue on my end. But this time it was Stav's fault. He said, I don't want to wait for Adam to show up. Yeah, fuck Adam is my stance. Nick said it too off mic earlier. I did.

Well, I say a lot of things off mic that we're not going to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck Adam, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah, no, stay tuned. We got Bonnie McFarlane coming up. Bonnie McFarlane's great. It's great. And please don't ever unsubscribe to this podcast.

We need it, bitch. We have a list of the people that are subscribed already. If I see your name drop off, there will be consequences. Stay tuned. No little cinnamon gum freshens breath longer than Big Red. So kiss a little longer. Stay close a little longer. Hold tight a little longer. stay close a little longer, hold tight a little longer, longer with Big Red.

Let Big Red freshness last right through it. Your fresh bread goes on and on. While you chew it, say goodbye a little longer, make it last a little longer. Give your bread some lasting freshness with Big Red. Hey, we're back from break. Is that what we're doing? Yeah, we're going to do this. So this one is the second half of the podcast. So we're still not starting? No, we're starting.

Because I don't want to waste really good things if it's not real. Oh, we're starting, baby. No, this is real. Sometimes in real life like i'll have a really clever thing to say and i just won't do it because there's no mic clever to go now this is uh well we're back from break then i mean it's going to be edited so back from break in yeah quotes from we're recording the second half of the podcast first doing a little non-linear trick oh shit dude and we have a guest so you have to keep

listening when you guys told me the name of the podcast was come down i said you can't keep me away that's uh bonnie mcfarland uh famous comedian great comedian is that true yeah totally we're googling right now really yeah for sure she's got a movie M-A-R-L-A-N-E a book so a comedian slash book maker slash movie maker

I like to think of myself as a filmmaker an author filmmaker and author a wife a mother and a comedian it's like that song

like that I'm a bitch and also I'm a bitch mother and dad right I like that you are sitting there uh bonnie is far away from us she's on the other side of the room i know well that's because this is uh if this is sort of like a boys centric podcast it's an alpha male podcast it's an alpha male we're live in the anthony

akumia studios you guys still are doing binary gender coding oh yeah for sure there's only two genders actually there's only one gender male and then I don't pay attention to whatever else is going on. You're homosocial. Yeah, that's absolutely right. Is that the science name for human beings? Homosocial is when you're not gay, but you only enjoy hanging out with men. Oh, really? You may have sex with women, but I think my husband's homosocial. That that's how i know the term isn't that metrosexual what happened to metrosexual

no it's almost the opposite of yeah exactly because metrosexuals appear gay uh but are not but yeah but are not we'll still we'll still fuck women but it sounds like that's a great that's a good word i don't know exactly what it means but but I feel like myself, but I feel like I always feel like you can, you know, we're in a time in this world where you can just use any word you want. And, and if you don't know exactly what it means, it's probably like 90% of the population also.

I, but doesn't know what it means, but that's right folks. Anti intellectualism. That's a topic today. Anti-intellectualism. That's our topic today. We're actually so pro-anti-intellectualism, we don't know anything on this podcast.

Yeah, I'm not wearing sleeves. I'm going sleeveless. You both very much look like... You are the poster guys for anti-intellectualism and homosocialism. I feel like everybody should be anti-intellectualism. Because how much of a piece of shit do you have to be to describe yourself as an intellectual? Well, I do a lot of reading. Yeah, reading is...

I lost my voice. You guys both wear glasses and yet cannot read. That's true. That is ironic. Fuck. We got to lose these. Yeah. I'm not reading, that's for sure.

The glasses got to go. I do like the style of your glasses, which I tried to find and I couldn't. I'll give you a tip. Zenni.com. They're an official sponsor. Zenni.com. Is this like a Greek website that's going to steal your credit card information? This is my uncle's website.

Z-E-N-I? Z-E-N-N-I. These glasses were $7. That's why when I first needed glasses. That's the thing about glasses. The frames were $7. That's why when I first needed glasses... The frames were $7. It's still going to be hundreds of dollars. I'm telling you, I legitimately with shipping... Can I test your glasses?

Do you mind? Yes, please do. Throw them over here. I can't get up. They're very durable. They're light and durable. Oh, and they do have a prescription in them. Yeah, I'm not one of these assholes that, you know, has this for style. That's very popular now. I remember the first time I saw somebody with just the frames and plastic lenses, and they were like...

Kat was doing that for a while. There could be nothing douchier. Kat Timp still does it. She still does it? Kat Timp still wears fake glasses onto Fox News. So if you ever see Kat on Fox News, she's wearing fake glasses. But why? It's a style thing.

I do sometimes roll around in a wheelchair. That's a great bit. That's a great style choice. Well, you say that, but people did have canes because they look cool. That was the pimp culture. Thank you for breaking down my joke. Well, I'm sorry. Nothing funnier than taking apart a joke.

I'm just trying to introduce some tidbits. Right, no, I like it. Well, actually, 1904 was the highest sale of canes in the country. When I was a teenager, I knew this big fat guy, Justin, that started walking with a cane with a skull on it. Hell yeah. Does he still have it? It was spelled Jason with a Y.

It was Justin. It had a secret compartment that he would keep cigarettes in the cane. People made fun of him for it, obviously. They didn't know about the cigarettes, obviously. They didn't know about the secret compartment obviously. Yeah, well, they didn't know about the cigarettes. How cool it actually was, yeah. But yeah, so they made fun of him for it.

So then he was pretending like he actually needed the cane because he was so fat. Awesome. It was just slippery. Like, that's better. Like, no, no, no. I'm not a douchebag with terrible style. I'm medically obese and I cannot walk. Well, you get those scooters, right?

I think you get a discount on those scooters if you have like a medical. So they just have to call up and be like, well, what's your problem? It's like I'm fat. Shit, really? Well, that's who those are for. You can't get a scooter. I mean you could, but nobody's riding or no able-bodied people are riding around those scooters. Right.

The scooter is for the able-bodied fat fat person this is a non-ableist podcast yes we have you ever read the reviews about that movie me before you or you before me or whatever myself and irene no there's a movie that's come out called you before me and it's about a guy who is um uh he's he's been in an accident now. He's paralyzed, I don't know, from the waist down or the neck down. I'm not sure. But some woman comes to take care of him, and of course they fall in love. But he's made a pact with his parents that he wants to kill himself. And his parents said, wait six months.

Because that's what parents do when you want to kill yourself. They say, you know what? That's what parents do is like PlayStation. Talk on this. I really want PlayStation. Wait six months. And then in summer we'll get you PlayStation. See how you feel. Why don't you wait until your brother kills himself

and they see if you still want to do it. And then this woman, they fall in love, but then they still have to kind of check in on, you know, so they do something fun together i don't know what like she right rolls and rolls them through the sand that would be hard but yeah and probably like something with parquet floors she sets his feet on fire is someone making bacon

and then he's just always be like we're in love yeah he's like well well i'm still gonna kill myself yeah it's like that would be awesome what movie is. He's like, well, I'm still going to kill myself. Yeah. It's like. That would be awesome. What movie is that? I don't know. It's called You Before Me or Me Before You. But it gets like, it's been getting like really hilarious reviews and stuff because it's a terrible idea for a movie to be like, well, first of all, if you're handicapped, then

what else are you going to do? Right, right, right. Kill yourself. You're going to kill yourself. Yeah. That's great. We should watch it. We should Right, right, right. Kill yourself. You're going to kill yourself. That's great. We should watch it. We should have a sister review podcast.

We should. Have you seen the remake of Rear Window with Christopher Reeves? No. It's really funny. Really? Because it's right after his accident. I think it's the first movie made after his accident. Oh, he's playing in a wheelchair and he really is in a wheelchair.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, he's playing in a wheelchair and he really is in a wheelchair. Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, he's like completely fucked up. Jesus Christ. You know, because it was like, I think it might have been... Oh, my God. It's kind of genius. Yeah.

How could it not have worked? Well, they were like, we need to be able to put Christopher in a movie and they're like, oh, perfect. We'll remake Rear Window. They just go through like their list of movies with handicapped people and they're like, well, there's only been one.

Yeah. So I guess that's the one we'll do yeah now he could do the remake of you before me right yeah he could be let's reanimate him well at the end he's like you know the killer comes in and uh the struggle is well he just like disconnects his like and then christopher reeves shows off they use the movie to show off Christopher Reeves like newfound ability to swallow air into his lungs like a fish he was

you know he does this like man it's not gonna translate on the podcast but he does this weird like like like weird gross you know

yeah like filthy disgusting but there's like a guy on set that's like okay he's really dying yeah like he's gonna have to run in blink's like, okay, he's really dying. Yeah.

Like, you're going to have to run in. Blink at us if you're dying. Just dress like an animal trainer. Yes. With the polo shirt tucked into the khaki shorts. Okay, that's enough. I shot a commercial and they had like a specially trained dog that was this little dog like a lunchbox that had to like run in and then sit down or whatever and of course it was like a

Lesbian in the blockbuster employee outfit that like took care of it, but really like sometimes they're very like That's their power in life, and so they're very like oh I've got to get this dog out totally yeah, yeah this dog in. Excuse me. Don't pet the dog. Thank you. That is all they have. That's everyone, though. Everyone who's any manager of anything, as always, I feel like, really flexes their power, whatever they have. Do you guys think SeaWorld's going to come back from all the Blackfish controversy?

Do you think people are going to forget about that? I don't think so, actually. No? Well, my daughter wanted to go to SeaWorld, and of course I try not to do anything with my daughter. And so I just showed her the movie, and then she was like, I don't want to. What are you going to do when she wants to do something wholesome?

Well, she wanted to go to camp this year, my daughter's aide or something. And she never went to camp before because i'm virtually unemployed right i mean i'm a famous comedian uh but that means nothing um so so i signed her up for camp this year and she wanted to go to robotics camp oh whoa you got a nerd on your hands she's so dumb and it's like how is that going to help you in life you know what i mean but that's don't you want to get good at like frisbee or something robotics camp that's for boys though you can't you can't send well here's the thing is that all the pictures show boys oh really have a class

that's specifically for girls which normally i wouldn't be into this but then I started to worry that she wasn't going to have friends so I said I'll just sign you up for the girls but the girls is only 10 and up so she has to go to the boys club break that glass ceiling I said is it going to be okay if there's all boys and she was like yeah we'll talk about Minecraft she's pretty cool

Minecraft is virtual Legos, right? That's essentially. And you can make them do shit. You didn't think Legos were nerdy enough. They're like, how can we get computers involved? Well, because they go into each other's worlds,

they're friends, and then they like. She's got her phone on FaceTime, but they never see each other. They don't care about seeing each other. And then they just sit the FaceTime phone there, and then they're yelling at each other while they're doing... Oh, interesting.

They're in their other worlds. I have a grown man friend that plays Minecraft. Do you know Blake Midget? Oh, hell yeah. That's his real last name? Blake Midget. I think you should change it to Little Person. I just doesn't feel right uh he's so lucky that he gets to say midget just like well you can say it i mean let's we're not gonna pretend like that's a slur anyone probably can

really do anything about you're not supposed to you're supposed to say little person and then whisper midget right yeah yeah everyone knows uh i have a joke for my act i'm a professional comedian you just uh you say it you whisper like this with your hand under your mouth yeah right right instead of the side you go to the bottom i stepped over i stepped over a midget one time when i was leaving a classroom in community college he was like he was sitting by the door he He was not bent over or anything? He was squatting. So he only had a clearance of like two feet.

This is, I think, like a teachable moment. I didn't know they could squat. Well, yeah. I stepped over him completely. Did he bend at the knee? And I didn't realize how insulting that was until afterwards. To completely just walk over top of another human being right but you had to get somewhere you're like i got another class you didn't mean it you weren't intentionally being a

dick well maybe partially yeah you definitely were it was there was a clear and afterwards you did put your balls in his mouth i did well that's part of walking over somebody once you realize you can do that you gotta fucking teabag them um so true okay well uh what do you got what do i got um i we're really good at podcasting it's like it's really we don't plan anything and then oh come on i find that hard to believe. I had a couple of things. Oh, you know what? Coming along at quite a pace. Did you? Did you?

I had some, but go ahead. No, I wanted, because I was thinking, I wanted to talk about, did you see the story about the swimmer kid at Stanford? Yes, of course. Who got six months. I can't, I try not to see that story. Did you see the letters? Yes, of course. It's like every woman i know posted it yeah

read this powerful letter this is a must read is it well no it's great the letter the girl wrote is probably the best thing that's ever been written on buzzfeed unfortunately someone had to get raped for them to produce anything that's. Out of pain comes great art. What kind of gifts did they use for that? Well, the dad was kind of crazy. Oh, my God, the dad. The dad's hilarious. I love when he describes that. One moment of 20 minutes of action.

Jesus Christ. Calling fucking action is already worse than rape. That's what I feel. Action is something you do in the back of like a panel van with like a mural on the side you know you have to like fucking like there's gotta be like a wizard on top of a mountain airbrushed on the side of the van and then you fuck in that van and that's what action yeah that was fucking horrendous horrendous what did he post that on to like what was he expecting to happen like to people to read that and be like he's so right one minor mistake in life how did i don't i didn't follow the case until

the letters um but so how did how did it come out well the girl went she knew no she was passed out she was passed out she was caught like he He was fucking her underneath or fingering her behind a dumpster. Jesus Christ. Which, like, how did you go find a dumpster, even? You know? He dragged her out to the dumpster. She was out behind a dumpster. Oh, my God.

Yeah. And he was fingering her behind a dumpster. And these two Swedish guys, who they said were biking. They said they were riding. I don't know if they said they were riding bicycles. But obviously it was like a heroin or something. Well, I'm hoping it was two Swedish guys on like one of those double bicycles. Yeah.

For a second I thought you were going to talk like this. You don't know the sex act bicycling? Hans, come on. Two Swedish guys just out for a double bicycle ride at 3 o'clock in the morning. Okay, so they caught him? Yeah, they caught him dry humping. They were like, hello, are you okay? And then he ran off.

That's crazy because I don't know that I would have stopped to see if the girl was okay. Like, it would be hard in the dark, I think, to... Well, come on. We're New Yorkers. We don't stop for people if they're hurt. I stepped over a midget. I mean, that's the kind of guy I am. That's what you do in New York.

You see somebody being hurt, you say, it's none of my business. Only in New York. And you keep walking. Well, I did call the cops once. Did you? I saw these two guys dragging a girl into a taxi cab she's like literally like her like her shoe fell off that's how and they had to go back and get it like do something and i yelled and i was running down the street but

they got in the cab and took off so i just called the cops but i don't i have no idea what happened after that yeah she is uh in mississippi. Human traffic. Maybe they were helping. Were they helping? It's totally possible that they were friends of hers. They did say we're her friend when I was yelling at them. Oh, well, then. So therefore. They definitely were not good about saying that. I let it go.

I said, all right. The cops show up and shoot the cab driver. But I believe one was saying her first name and one was saying her middle name. We had that happen. I was at my apartment complex and there was some guy beating his girlfriend in the parking lot across. She was in her car and he's punching the window and kicking the car. We had to yell at him and run over and call the cops and shit.

Oh my God. It's like a minimal level of doing the right thing. Yeah, no. You do something. I think you do something. I don't know. I mean, yeah. If you saw that, maybe, yeah, you would just check to say, Yeah, no, you do something. I think you do something. I don't know. I mean, yeah, if you saw that,

maybe, yeah, you would just check to say, like, hey, are you, are you guys, you should ask what her name is. If they say it's her friend, you know,

and then say, can we see her ID or something. Yeah, they did that. They asked, the Swedish guys were like, do you know her name? I think that something like that.

And then he didn't know. He couldn't make something up at that point? He was terrible at improv. his story changed like three times and the the like i guess the testimony from the swedes because their like identity is in public right you know um although they could have their own show right now if they played their cards right yeah fucking heroes is actually you know what offers in a yellow tandem tandem it was the property brothers that's why that's why no one knows their identity because the property brothers stopped that right well there's those three girls that stopped

i'm jason property and this is my brother michael property we stopped right opposite and we've never kissed i was saying i like to imagine that the Property Brothers, they have no genitals, but they share a bed with each other. You do a lot of imagining. I do. About the Property Brothers. What he says imagining, he means I like to beat off to the Property Brothers. How is that even a beating off thing? That's not even slightly sexual.

Well, we don't know. Everybody has a different thing. Everybody beats off to something different. And by the way, you jumping to a defense and you're twitching. Your leg is twitching right now. Nick is bright red. He's furious.

If he storms out, we've caught him. I already did a storming out bit on the last podcast so I can't storm out again. I wish you would storm out. Yeah, that would be pretty funny.

That would be an awkward podcast for the rest of this. I think we could fill, you know. I had to leave on the last one because like Adam just started making dinner

while we were recording and I got annoyed. Yeah, we'll probably trash Adam at the beginning of this seeing as we're leaving. Yeah, we'll get, well Adam's going to be

on the beginning of this podcast. Who's Adam? Adam's the third guy on the podcast. Oh, I don't see him. Yeah, we don't. You guys do?

We don't. He's been talking this whole time. What are you talking about? Those are the lulls? I see don't do we don't he's been talking this whole time yeah we were confused when you're talking about lulls adam was giving a beautiful soliloquy well i thought we were just going to do it right now afterwards then yeah we're going to do it after me we're going to go record the first half of this podcast after this one this is that way we get this part done with right get me out of the way. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get our friend Adam with no credits. Yeah. The other, we fuck up a lot. So it's easy if we have more wiggle room to yell at Adam. I think we're doing great, though. We're doing fine. This is going fine.

All the dead spots, we add in Tim Allen's grunt noise. Ooh. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. that's something like that. Yeah, that's how it works. So what projects do you know? He's still alive. Yeah.

Like I I didn't see one of the Christmas movies last year out. And I was like, I was so worried about him. But I guess, you know, if he dies, he wasn't a Santa dog. Yeah. If he dies, whoever kills him becomes Tim Allen. Oh, that's the Tim Allen clause yeah

it's been four people since we've been since I've been alive yeah I mean he's only like he's only like 63 years old Tim Allen

no he's older than that no he's not I we're never gonna look it up but I bet you he is he was 27 in 1970 how do you know this

cause he went to prison he went to prison when he was 27 or some shit. Did you know that story? The Tim Allen story? Yeah. I've met Tim Allen, okay? Oh, yeah? I forgot.

I've been in the same room with him. I may or may not have played pool with him. I don't remember. You were a Coke conspirator when he was selling... What was it, Coke? It was Coke. Tim Allen age. We're about to motherfucking find out.

Well, that's, I don't think it's that bad. I'm going to, can I guess? Yeah. I'm going to say 58. 58? You think he's younger than that? Yeah. I think he's probably like 63.

Yeah, well, guess what, you idiot? He's 62. You're wrong as shit. Oh, my God. But I didn't go over, so I feel like I won. You win Price is Right rules. You win. You get to fuck Tim Allen now.

You won Tim Allen. Boom. Maybe I already did. She did say she met him. Oh, well I'll stop talking shit on Tim Allen. I'm sorry.

Where did you meet Tim Allen? Well, his, we had the same managers who were at a party at our manager's once and then he was at the improv once.

Did he ever describe Wilson's body to you? Yes. He did a police drawing for me, so I was one of the first people to know. It's actually underneath the fence. It's a severed head being held up by the Property Brothers. That's what I like to imagine.

And they're working the mouth. That's nice. A lot of Property Brothers deep cuts in this one. Well, my girlfriend watches that show all the time. Yeah, your girlfriend. Yeah, it's me. It's just me. I sit at home and I watch the Property Brothers all day.

Oh, I thought she watched the Tim Allen show. I was like, that's so weird. Well, we actually can't. Yeah, we can't acknowledge. The Property Brothers now makes more. She seems like a real person now. Before, I was like, I think he's making her up. She's a very real, very disappointed person.

Yeah, for legal reasons, we can't acknowledge that Tim Allen has a TV show on his podcast. Oh, yeah. It's like a copyright issue. Yeah, we're embroiled in some litigation, unfortunately. So what do you have coming out project-wise? Anything big? It's rude. Is it? What do you mean, is project wise? Anything big? It's rude. Is it?

What do you mean is it rude? I don't know. Well when does this air? Tomorrow. Yeah. Well tomorrow night I'm doing a big show at the Village Underground. Cool.

Taping it live for Sirius. It's a lot of really good people on it. I'm not actually supposed to say what the show's about but I feel like not enough people will hear this

to make a difference. But we're doing a game show called Would You Bang Him? Oh, nice. We were going to call it Would You Fuck Him? But then I just felt like it was a little too harsh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we agree. You should always name things like you shouldn't be harsh.

You shouldn't be explicit in your name. Yeah, right? I mean, it's going on serious. You can say it, but just because you can, should you? Doesn't mean you should. That's right. You can say it, but just because you can, should you? Doesn't mean you should. That's right. You hear that, Nick? Yeah.

It's going to be Dan Soder, Mike Vecchione, Big J, Dave Smith, Pete Lee. Somebody else. I'm missing somebody. So they're going to compete. missing somebody so they're gonna compete and then we have uh four female judges carmen lynch um annie letterman uh emily tarver and uh marina franklin are the judges and so then the guys come out and they do five minutes of stand-up and then the judges decide if they would fuck them or not so shouldn't that kind of be called have you already fucked them? Do you think? Because I feel like, yeah. Shouldn't that be the name of the show?

We could work that in. So Rich is going to host it, and I'm going to be the... That's great. That's cool. A nice little flip. Color commentary on it. Yeah, it does a lot to speak to the patriarchy, which I just learned about this week.

You did? From a shirt, yeah. I saw somebody wearing a shirt, and somebody asked me about it. Right. I know all about this week. You did? From a shirt. Yeah, I saw somebody wearing a shirt. So he asked me about it. Right. I know all about flipping the patriarchy. I have a neurotic Instagram account that we haven't talked about. He plugs his Instagram account every week.

That we haven't talked about enough on the podcast. I feel like that's a better name for it. What's that? Flipping the patriarchy. Flipping the patriarchy. We should change context. Well, we wanted to do... You know the Guys We Fucked podcast?

Yes. So we wanted to do Guys They know the Guys We Fucked podcast? Yes. So we wanted to do Guys They Fucked. Yes. So we're the guys. Yeah. Oh, right. But I haven't fucked either of them. I haven't either.

But it would be rude. I fucked them both. Did you? Whoa, nice. They should judge. You should have them as guest judges for this. Well, I mean, we could... I want it to be a regular thing.

Cool. But we'll see if it happens. The last one we did was a huge success those are all those are all fuckable those are all pretty fuckable guys though on that lineup yeah no blacks yeah so i think that's what you're getting at well you should throw one in there where it's just i was well we were michael chay was gonna come and i don't know what happened to him. Yeah. Who, who would be, now we have no diversity. Who's the guy that's just completely unfuckable

that you could, like besides Stav, that you could put on a fucking show? Well, I'm pretty cute. Well, you'd have to see

what your stand, you know, the premise is that supposedly, you know, a funny guy, that's what women want, a good sense of humor. So we're going to put it

to the test. Okay. I like that. That's, you know what, it's funny. It's like, it's the male version of humor. So we're going to put it to the test. Okay. I like that. You know what? It's funny. It's like it's the male version of the naked show where you have to showcase the thing that makes you fuckable. I don't know that if this was reversed that any women would say yes to it. I mean, I guess there's some women that would.

Would you do the naked show? Have you heard about it? Never. Of course not. Never. I don't do the naked show when I have sex. I don't do the naked show ever. No. I'm not. Never. I don't do the naked show when I have sex. I don't do the naked show ever. No.

I'm not. Yeah. I've seen it once. It's like incredible the turnout that that show gets. Because people are just, at the end of the day, people just want to look at TV. Absolutely. Are you into the comedy of it at all? No.

That's not a thing at all. I think that's like a 9%. I think it's 91%. Even if you have funny comics on there, they're not going to be able to really do their material while completely naked. Well, the girl's like, well, I just got to get stage time.

I'm like, really? That is so funny. There's another level there, pretty sure. That's great. Imagine sex trafficking yourself into the world of stand-up comedy. Yeah, low-level sex work you kidnap yourself like liam neeson's daughter well i i always ask this question and i don't i really don't know the answer and i it's um why you know women who do stand up still really like try to be sexy and like right you know so many of them on their album covers they're

it's so weird yeah naked and then they're like pay attention to me as a a funny person and i have like this clever mind and then they're doing it to themselves they're what what's totally what a word they're objectifying themselves right yeah and then it's like feminism, but I don't understand. Right. Is it feminism or is it just like trying to get fucking money? Yeah, I guess it probably is like. Well, we're the experts. I know.

I know. I feel like I've come to the right place finally. Well, feminism is a myth. I've asked this question many times to many people. I don't know. I guess you could say that it's empowering. Because at this point, it's like, what isn't feminism, really? You know, in empowering because like at this point it's like what isn't feminism really you know in terms of

I mean it's like as an ideology it's like so thoroughly diluted through you know culture at large everyone's pretty much a feminist you have to like make a decision to say I'm not a feminist now if you're anybody that's having a conversation with anybody at least

online well I was involved in some you know human now, if you're anybody that's having a conversation with anybody, at least online. Right. Well, I was involved in some human trafficking for a while. As a feminist, I felt like I was taking them to a better place. Well, actually, these are feminist swastikas. Yes. It goes in a different direction. Yes, it's a little different than what you're thinking. Yeah.

It's an ancient Indian symbol that means, you know, we end the wage gap. I know what you're saying, though, because there is, like, a difference between, like, in theory, yes, like, you should be able

to dress however you want and still be taken seriously, but there is, like, a period, I don't know, it seems like it's a little bit of a. Well, my husband put it this way. It was like, you know, if your dentist, if you showed up and your dentist was like, you know, wearing like a low cut shirt and like belly was showing. And even if she was super hot and you were like, oh, my God, this is amazing. This is my dentist.

You still wouldn't think you had the best dentist. You'd never be like, I'm pretty sure. Like if you really had some dental work to get done, you'd go to a better dentist. A frumpier dentist. You'd never be like, I'm pretty sure. Right, right, right. Like if you really had some dental work to get done, you'd go to a better dentist. A frumpier dentist. Yes, you'd go to someone else. A very kind Jewish guy.

Yes, like you're not going to go to the hot... Like that's the same thing about stand-up. It's like hotness really doesn't have anything... It doesn't really help you. Yeah, but it is still

the entertainment industry. So there's like... Right, but if your whole thing is about bucking the system and getting into a business where it's male dominated and fuck them i'm gonna succeed and and then you're like okay and then now just let me play the game exactly as it's already been written for thousands of years like that's no absolutely i think you're right that you when it's like well so does marrying a rich guy and not working like so many things that are like sort of anti-feminism yeah work right it's like what is that like helpful to the cause then don't

then at the very least don't present yourself i think it's like some fucking At the very least, don't present yourself, I think. It's like some fucking... Like warrior for justice or whatever? Yes. Do you think male comedians should have to be jacked? First of all, I don't like comedians that look normal at all. Like, it's not my thing. Even Dan Soder to me, I feel like he's still got to overcome that.

He's got that giant head. He looks too normal you know he's like okay or um and I don't I

when I see pretty people doing stand up it takes me so long to get behind it I can't take it of both genders too it's like both genders

you can't be too hot and do stand up if you work out all the time and then you're like what's his name for a long time I just didn't like him. No, Aaron.

Oh, Aaron. I'm just completely based on the fact that I'm like, okay, well, you're so into working out. Well, is he still, though? Because he used to be like a competitive bodybuilder. He still is. He was wearing a sleeveless shirt the other day. I've never seen him with sleeves. I don't think he wears them.

He loves showing it off. He'll wear vests. Like vests over a dress shirt. The one thing he's got going for him is that he's odd looking. Even though he works out all the time, he wears weird suit coats. Yeah.

He wears like Ed Hardy suits. Yes. Yes. It's so true. Oh my God. So it's like he's still like a little, you know what I mean? Still like off. Yeah. He's still off. I he's still like a little you know what i mean still like yeah off yeah still like i think you should be a little off but yeah anyone who's like just it's yeah anyone's

like beautiful in in every category what about rogan because rogan's huge um rogan to me fits his thing. Right, it makes sense. Like his personality fits so well. Like Rich too, my husband, his personality is like this New Jersey guy. Like it fits so well with how he looks that, you know, it's almost like it's a flaw. You know whose body? In and of itself. Right, right, right.

You know whose body is perfect for their act? Sean Rouse. I don't know what he looks like anymore. He has crippling arthritis. Yes, okay. He can barely stand up. Isn't he like a fall-down drunk? Sean Rouse is like my favorite comedian.

I used to love him, and then I had too many encounters with him where he was just like a mean, horrible person. Yeah, no. I had to be like, I don't know who I'm going to meet up with. My friend Norman got him booked. Now we're just gossiping about people that nobody knows. That's what happens. We have a terrible podcast.

We told you it's bad. Yeah, don't worry. Whatever. The rule of podcasts, you just do them. You get people to subscribe. And then if it's boring in the first 10 minutes, they don't listen to it, but they forget to delete the episode or unsubscribe. And that's how you game the system and get up in the charts that's what we're doing i get it yeah this is all just this

is springtime this is all a career it's the front for i don't know what career move so we so we named it come town well again i think that's smart i think you know everybody's like that's a dumb name you're gonna want to change it and it's like why to why everyone will remember come town forever yeah they'll remember not to hit play if you had if you had a like a like a name like brookview or something if you're like what is that again and they might that sounds like a shitty apartment yeah that's my that's my apartment that's my townhouse yeah i thought it's like a gated community. It's a fence. It's so weird where I live.

It's like everything about it is... It's like if you're going to make a TV show about the friendliest town in the world. Everything is named exactly... There's a suburban street. There's a suburban street. There's a named suburban street? Yes.

It's so cliched it's crazy who gets to name the streets in just like a fake suburb prisoners whoever's in the jail that's they make license plates and they name all the streets it's true I actually, I had a... That's why there's so many Valdez streets. Eddie Guerrero Memorial Drive. Chris Benoit Drive. Oh, shit. So you live in central Jersey, right? I do. I live right in the very middle.

Very suburban. In fact, our town is almost just houses. Like, there's hardly anything. There's obviously supermarkets and post offices and stuff, but it's not like a destination place. There's no mall. Nobody comes. So it's like a Philly suburb?

I don't know what that means. Like a suburb of Philadelphia? It's not. It's not? No, it's like an hour from Philly. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's an hour from new york an hour from philly it's like 10 15 minutes from princeton oh that's where my daughter's taking her robotics

that makes sense were you guys friends with john nash before he died yeah we were like always hanging out um did you have you ever seen the uh not a beautiful mind but there's like a uh maybe it wasn't even a documentary it It was just like a short interview. So, you know, John Nash, Beautiful Minds? Yes. His son was also crazy, but like way worse. But just stupid? Oh, really?

Yeah. But not like a genius. A crazy guy, GameStop? Yeah. He would jump out of windows and stuff. Oh, he was. Yeah, the son was also like a very good at math. Math genius.

Yeah, but like very fucking crazy. There's like a video of i saw like an interview and they're interviewing john and john's like you know keeping it together barely in the living room and then the sun's in the other room with these like ridiculous giant like cowboy boots on oh that is some good crazy shit what this is a documentary what it was like a short i don't know if it was a doc i mean it was like an extended interview with john nash and his family that i saw maybe it was i think part of it though is that your kids and this is just part of the experiment i'm doing with my own child

is that they just they pick they you know when you you know when you went to school and you'd be like oh my god these this kid is nuts then you meet the parents and they're the exact same kind of nuts. It's like they're growing up in that. Yeah, but I mean, he has like schizophrenia, the son. He like hears voices.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's both things. It's like, it's the, what the parents create and it's also that kid just got really unlucky and got all his dad.

Nature versus nurture. Yeah, yeah. What is it? That's the second hour of this. We're going to open it up so now we can get my daughter's like really good at joke writing like she's a very very good joke oh really do you want to hear one of the jokes that she wrote she wrote this joke when she was maybe six years old let's hear it she said is that because you just don't know how old she is i know i was like is it five um she said you go on stage and you're in a wheelchair and you've got like a neck brace on and your arms in a cast and you got to the mic and you

go to the audience you should feel sorry for me I'm married that is a great you're teaching your daughter to hate men she sees what happens in the family that's cool there is some like nine-year-old girl that's like... Oh, I hate kids. I just really hate kid entertainers almost across the board. Well, because it's so... They almost definitely don't want to do it themselves.

Yeah, no, the father's behind it. Remember that kid in DC? It's like what you're watching is their stupid parent. Exactly. You really think they're sitting down and writing their dumb jokes every day we have a we have a child comedian friend this kid brandon wardell he's like he's like 13 or 14 and his parents have to write all of his have to write all his tweets his parents tweets his parents mind his tweets from black twitter and fucking

there was this girl and i think she's still around, but obviously she's probably like 10 years older now. But maybe she was like 16 at the time, and she would come to the improv and do stand-up. And she was like kind of cute, but tons of makeup, short skirt, high heels. Like people – I don't get it. I don't get why you would send your daughter up on stage like that. And then people at home – I'm using the word people because that's giving you guys the benefit of the doubt

that those are the listeners. That's how many listeners. And so you can't see what I'm doing, but he would like crouch by the side of the stage. He was super gay. Her dad, her like stage dad, and he'd be like. No. Like, you know, conducting her.

But also all her jokes were like, you know, like as though the guy was writing for like a Liza Minnelli special or something. They were like these, and she didn't flex like a gay guy. It was like you're just hearing her dad like every 90s. And then you say this. There you go. That's always what happens. There was another kid, that kid Leo, whatever the fuck his name was.

Oh, yeah. It was like two divorced. Like asthmatic little boy. boy yeah and his parents would make him go do open mics and his jokes were all about like not good like it was clear his dad wrote those that's a funny sketch though like just like how much he hates his mom oh yeah they were divorced like i think your dad you'd be funny and he had this like hot mom who was hit on every comic. It was so fucked up. You know what would be funny? You have a child comedian, but then you force them to do like, where's the birth certificate?

You haven't seen it. It looks like a Muslim to me. That's actually really funny. If you want your lunch money tomorrow, you'll fucking do the bit. But that's the only way that a kid comedian is going to be funny, is if it's like, oh, it's like crazy because a kid shouldn't be saying that. But then we know that the kid isn't saying it. Hey, everybody.

My name is Andrew Five Clay. I'm five years old. So anyway, whores. Who whores? Luckily, my girlfriends don't even have pubes yet. Hey. Hey. Dan, can we go home?

She was still just a baby we would take her on stage when we do that we had this one joke we would do where we go where's your spleen she go it's got a big it's a good bit kids are great huh can't wait to have them um so do you have anything that you want to plug because Because we're good to go. So tomorrow night, I think there's still a few tickets left. Village Underground, 8 o'clock. You're going to get the big bump. The Comptown bump right now. Yes, I'm going to feel it.

I'm going to see it in the line. When I walk up and there's a huge line, I'll be like, oh, Comptown. You did it. You just check the sex offender registry. Yes, I know. Run it by the guest list, the manifest, and whoever overlaps. Those are our guys. That's what's happening.

And then you can always just get my book, You're Better Than Me. If you're into... People might like it. Your listeners might like it because it's... Read her book, you pieces of shit. It's about getting started in comedy and whatever. It's called You're Better Than Me. It's on Amazon or Audible.

Cool. I have a movie on Netflix. It's called Women Aren't Funny. I don't know. That's a good movie. Women Aren't Funny on Netflix or iTunes? Yes, correct. And then the book?

Amazon or Audible. You're better than me. Audible's audiobook, right? Yeah. Did you do it? I did it. Cool. I would hire somebody.

Well, this is... They pay you very, very well to do the audiobook. So then I got a hotel. They said it's going to take a week, five days. So I got a hotel for five days and i told my husband like okay you know you gotta just watch the kid i gotta do it you know it's the thing i gotta do and then i finished in like a day and a half and so then i just like walked around the city like like you know those men they get fired from their jobs and don't tell their wives they just have to go They just have to go, I'll see you later, honey. Yeah, yeah. As of here, I was just like feeding the birds.

It's a briefcase with just an apple in it. Going back to the room, taking the call from my husband, like, oh, I gotta run back in there. I'm on a very short break. My friend's mom

disappeared in high school. She's like, she just wound up, she was like, spent three days at a bar. I remember him having like a crisis about it. He's like,

yeah, my mom, she doesn't come home in like two days and we don't know where she is and then yeah it turned out she was just drinking just went on a bender yeah i think i i i kind of get it i mean it is i think it's an important oh i would be a mom if i had to just go on a three-day bender just Just like not all the time, every two years. Especially if you can't drink during the pregnancy. You should get the bender in immediately. You don't need to.

You don't want to drink during your pregnancy because you're getting oxytocin like a motherfucker. I mean, it is the best drug, and if you could just have that all the time. See, I don't... If you're an alcoholic, you want to drink. No, I don't think you do. There are tons of alcoholics, drug addicts,

they don't drink or use while they're pregnant. I mean, obviously some do, but a lot of them don't. So why don't we just impregnate all of the women with drug problems? Yes, I agree. I think I just started my own charity. Give them a little action. Come, coming for coming. Or just let them breastfeed.

That does the trick also. Angels who come. Angels who fuck. Angels who fuck. The come angels. The come angels. Breastfeeding is like a weird thing because like obviously my kids ate. So I quit like three years ago. I don't see you say that, but I don't know how long you're supposed to breastfeed.

Probably until not much less than that. They say you're supposed to breastfeed for two years, but two years is too long. Oh, okay. It's weird. It gets weird. A two-year-old is a little person. They can talk. Yeah.

Oh, okay. And they can walk. I wrote an article a couple years ago about breastfeeding my 12-year-old, and I got a lot of people that were mad at me, and then I got a bunch of people that were like, I actually find this to be very sexy. Oh my God. They were sending me like email about like wanting to. Well, you can get addicted to breastfeeding.

Yeah. Because you get addicted to the oxytocin. Really? And that's why women, the crazy women that breastfeed until their kids are five or whatever, they say they're doing it for their kids, but really they're drug addicts. That felt cool.

They really are. They're like, those women, they're drug addicts. That felt cool. They really are. They're like, and with those women, we should put back on heroin. Yeah. That's how I'm gonna fix that. Well, it's,

thank you for doing our stupid fucking podcast. Thank you for having me. Yeah. If you, well, it's not, you were on Kennedy yesterday.

Check her out yesterday on Kennedy. Buy some YouTube. I got to get over to my show at the Village Underground. Yeah, come town. Fucking episode five. We're done. Bye. I don't know. guitar solo Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, What do you think? I think we did the kids a little better.

Yay! changing a light bulb should be simple whoa whoa whoa oh that's not supposed to happen quickly Quickly submitting and tracking a claim on the Bel Air Direct app actually is simple. Bel Air Direct. Insurance simplified.