The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 50 – Diversity Town

Cum Town West hosts Dana Bell and Jamel Johnson join me for a meandering conversation about television and amusement parks. I'm home in three weeks. Hang in there everyone.

So we're gonna just jump right into it lovely cuz I'm uh, I'm tired me too Yeah, I feel you man. We all we all were a little wired actually. Are you? Yeah, I had a coffee, but coffee for me after like 8 p.m. Just gives me a Headache. No, I just have indigestion and shit. Well, I We're just watching aliens after work the movie, but I didn't finish it The that's the second one. Yeah, that's the second one so James Cameron He called at the beginning is Jamie Cameron says Jim Cameron actually like Jim Cameron here Oh, that's back when he was being cool

Breezy breezy Jim Cameron. Oh, yeah, so yeah, I directed this movie. No big deal Jimmy Jim Cameron We're just having fun. I like that. We're gonna get we're gonna do no intro so people think they're listening to the wrong podcast Oh, this is this American life again Yeah, fuck Why does every uh, I feel like a lot of apartments out here every single have that that shitty type of blinds They're the worst blinds vertical blinds. Is that what they're called so terrible They're for like if you're an old woman dying. I thought they were for if you were a recently divorced man Yeah, well, it's kind of similar. It's on the way out. Yeah, it's like dying for real or dying inside

Right, you won't call it. These are the blinds for you mean soon in mm-hmm Yeah, well, thanks for coming down. Thanks for coming out to the valley y'all We are in the the was it the San Fernando Valley. Yeah. Yeah, I was in Burbank the other day for work nice and it's funny because like Your impression of like what the valley is because of like Valley girls and stuff. You're yeah. Yeah, it's just like women shopping Burbank is an old man neighborhood. Yeah, it's weird. It's like a weird old Old there's like a diner every other block. Yeah, you know, it's crazy. The only person I ever met that Is like a stereotypical valley girl's black girl. I deliver weed to this girl Mm-hmm, and she's like like, you know, like fully valied out that was recently like extremely did see yeah

Yeah, sure thing. It's just got just all disposable income. Mm-hmm pretty sure she doesn't have a job Yeah, I sent it too late for valid like valley girls was a 90s thing I didn't know they were still around. That's now. That's just all women. No, I'm serious. Yes Oh, you know and and most men. Yeah, everyone in America like I know like as I don't say it I've never said it once. Yeah, I'm a liker. Yeah, I say it all I'm lying, but Okay, I was trying to think I was wracking my brain. I was like, maybe he's telling maybe he doesn't I don't know Yeah, no, I totally say yeah one time. I Was talking with my roommate and his friend and they were both like

Laughing or for whatever reason I didn't know why and he'd like one of them had been keeping track of how often I had said like Oh, that's gone inside and came back. Yes, but you know what? I don't know why the fuck I'm talking either one of you anyways Yeah, you fuck your man's for trying to red pen a conversation. Yeah, I'm saying well, you know, I've done I Ended up that same guy. Yeah, I got drunk one night and the door to my apartment was wide open and I was like Loudly telling my roommate how shitty of a comic. I thought this guy was he was like outside in the patio area And I overheard everything and you kicked your own door open. Yeah Real bad about it. That's the worst because he was he like

Wasn't great economy like his ego was so much bigger Then you know for like who he was his ego was the comedian level. Yeah, and it's you know I don't know it was kind of I guess he didn't realize it. He had no humility about where it was at So yeah for someone who would have been acceptable the time It's just you don't want to be like mean to someone like that That's the worst cuz it's like every friend group every friend group of comics You have a friend who's like funny offstage, but he's just a really really yeah, just a really shitty comedian And they're like never as funny, you know, they might be like one of the funniest guys in the friends group

But then they go on stage and do the same material they've been doing for like seven years They're just not particularly good. Yeah, it's like almost like it's a mantra like they're not even a comedian Like this is like a penance they have to do. Yeah, it's just like a thing that their social group does is comedy And so they'll go up and do it. That probably is like with groups of friends who are bowlers, too I don't know. Oh, probably, you know, there's just any type of hobby Somebody's just like just hanging around but not very good at it. Yeah, but well then it's always weird when the like that guy is like Yeah, I'm like trying to get booked at the club or whatever and you're like, yeah, you're not Oh, man, I feel so bad for this guy just even the thought of telling somebody they suck at comedy, right?

Yeah, it's like your worst nightmare is just that somebody steps to you like yeah, mm-hmm. That happened to me one time back in the day I was I actually started thinking about a different guy while telling this Different guy who's like a better example of that. Hmm Do you ever do LA bar and grill back in the day remember that one LA bar and this is some Arlington, Virginia shit Like 20 2010 I guess 2011, but they used to do a competition. Oh really and this dude who Was my friend's barber? He came out to a couple of them the first one that did it did pretty good second one

I got two stoned and it was like, okay, but the dude came up to me and he was like, hey, whatever you did before this show Don't ever do that shit again. That was probably the closest I ever came to somebody telling me I was like probably damn advice. Yeah. No, he was right. Oh, my name, but you know, I said damn Oh, yeah, cuz we never did introduction the first time Irwin did comedy Dana. Maybe it was the second time I was hosting the open mic, and he was like, how do you think I did? and I was like, do you want to be honest? He was like, yeah, how do I do? I'm like you're Awful, I'm like there's nothing good like it's not even like you're gonna be able to figure this out at some point

I was like you really just should not be doing stand-up at all And his response was like, okay. No, he was like, yeah, he was like, ha ha ha And I'm like, all right, I guess You probably thought you were being sarcastic and we're being you know It's like that has to be a possible answer Yeah, I don't know why anyone like don't ever ask somebody like what are you fucking? How do you feel about what I did? This isn't like an HR job. It's like like it's a creative endeavor It's totally possible

It's not like it's not like you just made a bunch of spreadsheets and then said like these are right I'd be like, yeah, this is pretty good Numbers, right. It's highly competitive. Mm-hmm Irwin. Who's who's that other cat out there in Maryland who used to run the whack-ass shows? I can't think of his name not shackleford. If they're if I'm the holy trinity of DMV whack-bookers mm-hmm. It's Shovered see I feel I even feel bad He sent me the most

Thirstiest saddest email one time cuz okay, so y'all know I didn't have a car. Yeah for a while and he would hit me up like hey you want to do Mechanicsville you want to come out to Perceville and I'm like I'd love to but uh, I don't drive and so Eventually, I just stopped responding to the emails because he kept trying to get me to come Two hours away from a metro stop. Yeah, and then one day he tweeted at me and was like guess you don't want to perform then At like two in the morning though, and I was just like dog. I mean, I didn't respond to it, but I was like, what about What do I what do you mean? Yeah, send a car. Yeah, send a driver if you really want no, he didn't mean you on time he booked me for something and then I just like didn't want to do it and

So I sent an email like The morning of the show. I'm like, I'm really fucking sorry, man, but I got a flat tire. I'm not gonna be able to make it tonight Then he was like Don't have a spare tire And I was like, yeah, I do but it's like, you know, it's like that's a tiny the replacement tire So he was like, well, you can drive up to 60 miles on those You know, and I was like you're asking me to go 80. Yeah, I'm like, I'm not I'm not doing the show

You want me to die? Okay. No, I don't have a flat tire I'd you suck. I don't want to do your fucking show The one and only time I hollered at him in person. Well, he hollered at me. We was at fucking sidebar Baltimore and This is when I said on my Facebook It said I worked for MTV because I was trying to just just do one of those jokes just blatantly lying That's a fun joke and the bit was that I was on undressed. You remember that show It was like a naked real world. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It was like naked. It's like a little naked soap opera. Yeah, they were naked Well, you know, they was like they were scantily class. Yeah. Yeah, they now have a naked dating show. Yeah, no

Yeah, this one was naked and afraid right naked dating. Oh, there is a show called naked There is this one is called naked dating. So there's two anyway We can talk about that later. The challenges on that was like you have to like look into each other's assholes and You're not far off. They eat bugs and stuff In which one in naked and afraid. They've like given up on reality shows. Oh, yeah people have to fuck but they're nude and We're bringing back bug eating that seems to be big. Oh, yeah, they brought back fucking fear factor You just need to make every reality show that they have now naked. Yeah, do you remember?

We're gonna do they had man versus wild. Yeah, the Bear Grylls show Yeah, and then they had Survivor Man and Survivor Man was like accurate but a much more boring show because everyone would be like Okay, well, I got to make a fire and then it's like 45 minutes of him like We'd have to edit it but it was just like him doing Boy Scouts bullshit in the woods where like Bear Grylls is like Drinking his piss. Yeah, he's dropping sheep off mountains. Yeah, he's doing it up Yeah, y'all seen the one there was one on a like I don't know if it's oxygen or we TV But it was like I think it's called a box a survivor Gay guy in the woods close enough. It's like my god. Oh my god. Oh my god

Now I was like, um, I think it's called the box and it's like two people fuck In a box. Yeah, while a panel is like Watching that's right, and then they come out and then they discuss the fucking With a panel. How's that real? I know fucking idea, bro. I don't know if it's still on this was like Definitely not. Can't be that's there's no way. I also don't even really understand what's I don't understand how you part of that how you sell a show like that. Yeah, and you and you can't even show the fucking You just assume people have fun to have the confidence of like walking into you know So whatever network that was and you're like, yeah, it's two people fucking a box and then

Then we talk about it. Yeah, it's a panel that talks about the panel hold hands The panel can they see can the panel see what's in the box because if they can't then it's like in the box I don't know. Honestly. I mean, I hope so. What do you think was in that box? Is it in a like a side from fucking no in seven? Yeah, I don't know Seven it's supposed to be the infant's head, right? I've what if it was just a couple of smartphones, you know, I mean, yeah something like that wait, okay Big surprise. I haven't seen seven. I thought From pop culture. I thought that it was Gwyneth Paltrow's head. You don't know what's in the box. That'd be great

Imagine if someone murdered Gwyneth Paltrow and cut her wait, it's not That'd be that would be a great movie. Is it do they not know? Yeah, you just Yeah, they don't show you what's in the box. Yeah, yeah, I thought what's in the box? I am shot Which I would fuck with a dude if he talked to me like that. Why are you? Why are you whimpering? Come on man, you're a goddamn detective. You're a senior detective. Kevin Spacey the bad guy in that movie Yeah, yeah, man. He's such a good bad guy. He really is. He's got a bad guy here. Make him a good bad guy He's like sort of ambiguously gay That is that's definitely plays a factor that whenever he's talking to like one of the male

Characters you're like is he trying to fuck them? It doesn't he's got like a so you know, it seems like there's something There's always something like under the surface that he's not telling you cuz it's like he's just Concocting murders in that closet. Yeah, do you think it's weird for him that he keeps being cast as like evil guys? He's not always evil. Oh, he's I guess he's evil in K-Packs, right? Alien but he's just like kills people which is pretty evil. Yeah, does he kill people? I haven't seen K-Packs actually like an adorable Alzheimer's sort of gay packs Let's talk about it for a second. Yeah, usual suspects and he plays Kaiser so gay That's so fun. I didn't even see that coming

All right, and all the all the clues are the whole time. I've just been hints that he's gay What's his character's name on house of cards Frank Underwood? No, it's hoping it would be like Frank Frank may guy Like check this out Frank gay guy Still counted I count it Well put that on the board I got the rebound off being wrong and then slam dunk Frank gay guy Dennis Robbins shit Mm-hmm. Um, did you guys see those pictures of Brad Pitt and GQ this week? No, no, he's like in a They're just really dumb. Maybe it's in I don't know. He's in a bunch of national parks He's in a lot of weird poses. He's pulling a short over his head for some reason. He's like having trouble

I think he's struggling. He's like shambles. Yeah, since his wife lost her breasts. Yeah Yeah tough times. Well, that's why he had to divorce her. That's what was in the box I God bless him for going so long in that relationship after there. It must have been literally a nightmare I mean, that's the only reason to be with Angelina Jolie. Right. Exactly. Otherwise. It's like, what are you gonna look at? Perfect face. I don't know as soon as she comes home, you know, I'm sure I can't imagine him mentally preparing himself for His breastless wife. He's basically a man at that point. Yeah, she probably always talks about fucking a brother all the time Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. Yeah, I'm sure she's still into her brother. Yeah, it's not like we forgot. All of the pain in his face I did forget and then I saw those photos again. That's not acting

His character in Fury is like a tank operator, but it's also a tank operator who's got a wife Howlessly removed her breasts. It is weird him that she I don't know what movie you're talking about but it is weird that Angelina Jolie like made out with her brother and then we're all like, all right And we just Funnily for like two months and then that was it. Is that because she's so hot that everyone could just move on or is it just like The PR team shut that down. Well, they did a great job in Austin. There was this uh, there was this girl Isla that would hang out and there's this other this other weird dude

Matt Kordelski who was just like a guy that had been doing open mics for like 20 years in Austin this like weird or older guy and for whatever reason he thought Isla and Jake Flores were brother and sister So like one night. They just started making out in front of him To like fuck with him and he just like barely reacted We don't think he was just like, oh, maybe they're not brother and sister No, he was probably secretly recording it on his fucking glasses cam to beat off to a show Let me ask you who's weirder that dude or a jack of all trades remember that guy

Bruce Campbell Jack of all trades was a he's a dude who used to come to the draft house and He would do just like one liners, but he was like I mean, I'm pretty sure it seemed like he escaped from a mental institution You know what I mean? Like he was always wearing like rubber gloves and He's very strange and he had like hospital socks like those like knee-high Like

Circulation socks. Yeah would come every week and he would never get up. I never saw that guy I don't know. Oh, yeah, dude. That was a weird-ass dude. Yeah, either you remember Tom Flood. Oh, no I might have talked about him on the show already Tom was like this autistic guy that used to come to Wise Acres But this was like before like Autism is cool. You can all have autism pre-hip autism. Yeah, right So when I say like autistic I meant that he like bagged groceries and lived to his parents and was like 45 years old and couldn't You have a conversation, you know, like, yeah, you would just like the first time he met you He'd be like, well, what's your birthday and he would like get your birthday from you

And then he would rattle off list of celebrities and then anytime he saw you he would tell you your birthday and like The celebrities that would that you shared your birthday with and he would go on stage at Wise Acres and Everyone would be like, oh, yeah, Tom's going up and they would pretend like they weren't just like gawking at a retarded guy and he would go on stage and I the only time the only thing I really remember So as him performing was It's one time he goes up and he spends like his entire three three to five minutes Just pulling tables out from like the audience and bring them on stage and chairs and he sets up like a desk and Then he puts chairs behind it and he's like, oh the

The the September 5th 1987 NBC 4 Afternoon news program, you know, and he's like news NBC 4 news at 4, you know Broadcasts and he like names all the broad of the like local anchors and where they sat And by name and he's like sits down. He's like and and Kelly Thompson was here and And hold on Kelly Thompson was here and he like sits down and then he just like does the broadcasts from no bits Not even a semblance of a bit. Yeah, no, he just does the broadcast. We're good for him. You know Fucking It's an interesting Mike diesel Mike diesel was like if you brought that on the road it would murder

People would love this and it's like Mike. You don't know If you brought this guy on the road, you're literally describing a freak show is what you're doing You fucking want to put him in a cage. Oh, have you Dana? Have you read blood meridian? No Man this is part in the story where there's just a guy that has a retarded guy and a nude retarded guy that he keeps in a cage That they meet on the road and I join your convoy Let me hitch my wagon There's a dude at Britney's who was kind of a similar thing every week he would go up and His only joke was an explanation of what a blumpkin is

Oh, yeah, and it would culminate with him sitting on the top of a chair like his butt is on the back of a chair And just him and we would all be like, okay. This is the week where he falls. Yeah, and he never did and I remember one time he drew a picture of my my friend Jeremy's girlfriend and it was like an anime version Oh Girlfriend like confidence level to like hit on somebody else's girlfriend to their face, but then It's like more threatening, but also less right draw a picture of your girl holding two swords Mm-hmm. Yeah, fuck it. This is a smaller version of what I have in my room. Mr. Steel yo girl with fucking Dungeons and Dragons

No, because not Dungeons and Dragons is like a hipster. Yeah, no, they're trying to make it cool No one's like ironically in the anime. It's like it's weird because have you ever tried to watch it anime? It's terrible. Oh, just any anime. Yeah, you know, I mean like even the popular ones. I remember when like was it princess Mononoke, yeah, that came out. Yeah, we did whatever the first one was from What's his name? Mishaki Draws the cute ghosts was that for Mirazaki Miyazaki

I should know Miyazaki Miyazaki. Yeah, I remember I call myself trying to watch spirited away didn't work. I So fucking boring. Yeah. Yeah, it's terrible I haven't tried. I feel like I should and I want to because it's like You know now that I like work and animation and stuff It's like you got you have to watch it and you I mean, I feel like I have to love it now The only it's beautiful. It's beautiful, but it don't really make no sense. Like even Akira doesn't make no fucking sense It's just weird like the niggas brain just explodes off. Oh does it?

I don't know. We have all the books in my house. My boyfriend's brothers gave it to him So I could read them. I'm not going to. What books? They Akira have books. Oh, well, that's manga. That's like a level below anime. Well, it's anime Animated. Anime's animation. The manga is the comic book. Right, but there's like an anime version of the books Yeah, the gayest thing possible to be into is Japanese literature, which is even further down true Oh, I have I have read that just Japanese sonnets Yeah, pretty good. Yeah, I've read some Japanese short stories and literature and like Lapham's Quarterly

Oh Quarterly look at you. I have a subscription. No, you don't. Yeah. What? Yeah Get out of here talking shit about anime and then you're like, oh, I subscribe to the Lapham's Quarterly. Nick, classy as shit Yeah, he's got a shit out of that glass. Like he's only into tits and publications a year. It's not a lot. I know But that being the problem is being into anime if you could be into if being into anime meant you watched four Animais a year wouldn't be a problem. The problem with anime is that you watch it all day long And then you fuck a pillow with anime. Yeah, you don't do that with Lapham's Quarterly. They don't send you a pillow to fuck It's only every now and again. Oh, okay. Oh, so it's like as long as it's Quarterly. It's yeah

Okay, every day. All right. All right. That's fine. Well, I'm excited I sent you that essay from from Lapham's for the Teddy Roosevelt essay like a year and a half ago. Remember that vaguely No, it's like about his wheelchairs It was like the oh, yeah, the oh the one yes, this is the one by Teddy Roosevelt Yeah, good boys are goodly good boys They're good and strong and they they are going to the they get fresh air like good boys do yeah It's it's delightful Teddy was well. I don't know why that made me think of He was like ice cream truck. He was so honest. He was like such like an

Like an earnest guy with principles who like yeah, and you have to kill another man You understand your own virtues. It's kill your enemy and pull yourself up by your bootstraps Yeah, well, and it's nice that he was able to like Like the way that the national parks were built was that John Muir like took him out and like changed his mind about the wilderness So that's like cool to me that John Muir was like just come out and I'll you know I'll call you a big strong man for a week and then you know now we have national parks nice John Muir was the dude from Suicidal tendencies with that does that Mike Muir? Yeah, yeah, I'll take

Yeah, who's suicidal tendencies like a little metal band. Oh well John Muir is a Great guy. I've never I never understood me peel. That's like there. They're like that music sounds awful. Oh Looking back no suicidal tendencies. Oh, okay. I was ready to shit. I don't even know much I just remember I uh watch a bunch of videos of that dude because he always wore a bandana over his eyes Yeah, I thought that was pretty funny. That's a cool look. Yeah, the cholo look. Yeah, a white guy Fully cholo. They're just blind also I feel like cholo the whole cholo look is like they're like well, we got to look like something We'll button our shirts weird, I guess

It's gotta be uniform not how to wear a bandana on our face. We're like, well, okay, we'll just have our shirts We'll be too long. Yeah Yeah, and then they drive everywhere. Okay, but then they're like a bit slowly, right? True. I've been like two miles an hour So very slow, right because we miss Will Smith I'm sorry. I'm watching your cat. Yeah, I'm way. I want your cat to do something funny I don't think I've ever recorded this podcast in a live animal cat Yeah, yeah, that's weird because it looks like a combination of both the Ambers cats. Oh, yeah It's got Ernest's size and markings and Phyllis's face and

Texture is she cuddling? Yeah. Yeah for sure Billy's all pets. You know, thank you. That's fucking pets. It's so great. Are we telling that story about the bus driver? Oh, yeah I don't I'm already laughing. I don't I'm like this is gonna be good You guys know what time I was I was on a bus in DC. I don't remember where the fuck I was going but uh This is these two black ladies talking to each other. So one of them is the driver and the other lady is talking to the bus driver and The bus driver was explaining trail mix Like she had never heard a trail mix like the lady was like, hey, what you about to do tonight?

I don't know. You know, I'll probably go home watch my shows and I have some trail mix. What is you talking about? With like yogurt clusters and little She explained every ingredient this is like Different types of nuts Because if you hadn't heard of trail mix and someone told you they were gonna watch TV and eat trail mix you'd be like that That sounds wrong Yeah, it's got trail in the name somebody told me that you're not supposed to have more than two Brazil nuts a day because they're poisonous

Oh, shit. No, that's wrong. I've eaten more than they got a bunch of vitamin a in them or something Hey, that's your ass. I heard a story today is Barry Rothbart for in in Wolf of Wall he was in Wolf of Wall Street. They had him in the like Play some role on Wolf of Wall Street, and they make you like snort fake like cocaine in your role and they use like vitamin a or something and Apparently like they he snorted so much fake cocaine. He had to go to the hospital And then they ended up like cutting it would have been better

Real cocaine. Yeah, he would have been fine. Yeah, he would have had a blast to you know, I mean the waiver was too risky Oh, that's too bad. Well, why does it have to be any? Why can't it be like an inert? I don't know biodegradable thing that you snort. Yeah, what happens if you snort baby powder? Why does it have to be like a fat soluble vitamin? I don't know. I'm just learning about this now I know nothing about it. It doesn't make any sense to me The science hasn't caught up to folks cinematic cocaine use. Yeah, that's the problem. Yeah, I feel like the herbal cigarettes to Like whenever I see someone smoking those on screen, I feel like I don't know

I feel like that can't be good for you either. I smoked one of them. How was it as an extra one time? It was like pretty awful. Yeah, it seems like it would be More unpleasant to smoke. Well, you're still in here a hailing smoke, right? So and you have to do it. I mean because they have to take so many takes so you're just like Smoking a fake cigarette for so long pack of fake six. Yeah, I was thinking about trail mix the other day about Like I was thinking about like the guy at M&M's that was like, I'm gonna get us in in there I'm gonna get ahead of the M&M deal. Yeah. Yeah, because now fucking. Yeah now every type of trail mix has M&M's in there Standard who the fuck is gonna eat?

Raisins and fucking seeds and all that bullshit. You're mostly just biding your time until you can get to them Yeah, that's for sure. I wonder if it was like aari from entourage like he was like following around the head of trail mix for three days. Yeah I like that. I think it was the yellow M&M who did it Which you know The big dumbass fucking Remember they were trying to get us all to fuck the green one. Yeah and the brown one Mm-hmm. The brown one was like explaining that she's not naked all the time

Reson's like I want to fucking jack off and she's like, I'm not I'm just black. I'm a black woman I'm not a nude M&M It's so much worse that they don't enjoy it You made them sexy But then you also gave them like sentience so that they know they don't want to be fucked by people or M&M's true Yeah, I never got that like the M&M like the brown one is like the smart one too. Like she's glasses There's a blue one that you don't hear about that often. Oh I went to the M&M store in Times Square

Why I've been there every color. I've been there numerous times. Did they have the M&M's racing jacket? Probably I think so. The most coveted item in the hood In 1999 that M&M's racing jacket. Yeah, the official bra. Everybody wanted that shit, man What car is who drives the M&M's car? Oh, man, cuz this is back in the day. I don't know diabetes Shit, you ever seen you ever seen days of thunder. Yeah, dude that movie The movie's ridiculous. Yeah, yeah, I love the scene where in like the beginning Where fucking Robert DeVall is like you gotta you got to take the turn

Real smooth, you know or whatever and fucking like he says something something like basic shit It's like you're gonna let off the gas going into the turn and when you come around you're gonna you're gonna That's when you've done it and he's like describing like the basic physics of driving If you turn the wheel to the right, the car goes to the right. Yeah, yeah something like that and then fucking Tom Cruise is like Look, I'll be honest with you. I don't know what any of this means. I just drive I'm just really good at driving you put your key in the ignition and your turn is shut up I don't understand those words. Yeah. Now that movie's stupid as shit The ride was probably better. You remember the ride of Kings Dominion

That was my shit when I was like six cuz you grew up right next to Kings Dominion. Yeah. Yeah It was you know great net relative. It was like probably what like 50 to an hour. Oh, cuz it was over by Richmond Yeah, are you thinking of Six Flags? No, I'm thinking Kings Dominion. Yeah. Yeah, but it's flags in Laurel Yeah, that's just where we went though. We were like fuck Marilyn. Anyway, that was the move every summer Kings Dominion was Because it wasn't Six Flags back then it was great adventure. I thought it was part of six. No, it was adventure world. Sorry No, it became but it became Six Flags became Six Flags But back in the 90s for sure adventure world and Cal Ripken was the official spokesperson Remember that? No, I'm just thinking about Six Flags and how like just kind of hood Six Flags is yeah

Because it's always lined with like little weed bags. Yeah walk back to the parking lot I remember like when I went this one time and there was this we there were no lines because it was kind of raining and we rode Superman like I don't know ten times and I still remember the mustache on the guy that worked there was like this thin Must like just one line of hair is above his lip John Waters I wish I could grow that I don't know how to do that Yeah, it's a it's a shaving thing. Yeah. No, it says the mind shit wouldn't do that I hate too much testosterone. No, no, in fact, it's just not that kind of like density. It's like No, no, you don't need to worry about it being dense. Yeah, it's the one I'm thinking of what this guy

Yeah, the guy that I'm remembering that you have never like a job I can't do I can't do the John Waters thing. You wouldn't be able to see it on my it's like Than a job. Oh, yeah, I try to do every kind of mustache. Yeah. Yeah gave him all the look like the best part of being a guy It's just messing around with your facial hair, dude I when I didn't I didn't shave my face for like six months and I grew a beard out and it's awesome That you can just make your head like three times. Yeah, it's like The lizards that can umbrella gills. Yeah, they can try yet. Like why wouldn't you just go around like that always? If you were a lizard, right, why would you reserve it for just scaring people? Right exactly just be

scary mm-hmm Well, I don't know maybe there's a lesson we can learn there is that you don't always want to be scary, you know No, I disagree. That's sometimes you got to save it so that I mean you gotta let it loose, man Pull no punches. Yeah. All right. I think I only went to Kingsman you want I went to Six Flags here the Magic Mountain Oh, yeah, you lost your wallet immediately. Yeah, I think I told that story already. Oh, cool I don't know. I don't know if I mentioned they had it that a Tasmanian devil there that I'd like makeup on I Saw the picture. Yeah, that was pretty good. Transmanian It's very good. I remember one time a lot of Looney Tunes shit was very trans. Oh, yeah

Bugs Bunny Bugs Bunny is always trans. Yeah We got into a conversation on the podcast a couple weeks ago about which cartoon characters are black and And it's like, you know, Sylvester certainly Sylvester the cat. Yeah, but he has like a speech impediment You know, which is I know it's not a race. I'm smoking new ports. I always fucking Sylvester is retarded, which I know is not a race, but yeah Right You only get one yeah Like Tweety Bird obviously Latina. Mm-hmm, you know, okay

But yeah, it started with Goofy is black Yeah, but we were having a conversation about which cartoon characters are black and then it became like a thing on vice like last month so Wait, what do you mean became a thing like there's a bunch of articles about it. What yeah, I could see vice jokin you guys They did vice is definitely listening if fucking if you listen dude, you understand No, it's just Brandon was going around the office Guys, I just came up with this goofy is black Like that's brilliant Brandon

Put somebody on this now. They gave him ten For that one. Here's a fellowship. Why did I mention that? I don't know cartoon character. You remember the hood the looney-tunes the t-shirts. Yeah Looney-tunes and like The big the big airbrushed looney-tunes t-shirt. That's why I said so much was black cuz he was the coolest looking one Yeah, remember the Sylvester hoodie that zipped all the way up. Oh Shit like through the face through the face and then had Sylvester's face on it. That was like a thing people would wear Oh, shit. I don't remember that. I just remember that 12 years ago. Yeah, that up against the wall. Yeah, that's door

So that's what there was a I worked in Lake Forest Mall and there was like a bunch of like Airbrush t-shirt shops. There's like this Korean-owned place. They just sold like they have like every snapback ever Oh, yes, and then they sold mixtapes and then big-ass like, you know, like Stewie Griffin like as the Scarface He's got like a gun and then it's just a quote in Spanish No idea what's going on in this t-shirt. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we had a bunch of shit like that back in the day It was a store. Well, see so there was a black version of that story that was called m&g's Mm-hmm, and then there was the white version that was called fads and that was in the mall Yeah, and they had the same shit and like the little toys like the raccoon

What's the difference between the black and the white version? Well, okay, so the black version is like all the snapbacks five pack of tall tees You know I'm saying Scarface Stewie Griffin Sure, the white one is like you can make your own t-shirts, but it's like corny ass sayings about golf Like, you know, yeah, my woman better not be on the course Joints, you know me just like pure massage. Yeah. Yeah, one of the yeah Just like racks and racks of different massage initiative you could put on tees

Lake forest is like probably the most bizarre fucking wall. What town is that? It's in Gaithersburg. Okay. It's like Montgomery Village. Is that when you were selling nextels? Yeah. Oh my god. There's a teenager. I just worked and I worked at I worked at the orange Julius for a while in the mall and then I worked at Yeah, two different cell phone kiosk place. I'm sort of mad. I never worked at a mall just cuz like I Know I want to understand mall dynamics. Yeah, I feel like I don't well that was it was still kind of like a functional mall All ten years ago, right? But the last time I was there probably like four years ago It's just a JC Penney now

No, it's it's weird. It's all those. I mean, there's a lot of shit that's like clothes They're just empty stalls, but it's like closing clothing stuff And then like Indian got like real cool looking Indian guys that sell like cell phone accessories and sneakers and then like a couple of stores that are like Ancient Chinese art like Chinese guys selling like weird Chinese furniture Which all malls always had but like those stored though even back in the heyday of malls like in the mid 90s When they had like the pendant sword stores, it was like who's buying this Chinese bullshit And they all have that like a like a concubine's bed. You remember that they would have that

No, what's it kind of like a weird wooden bed like I don't there was no business that would come through there They were right. I mean, I guess people would like buy maybe like decorative tea sets and shit And this is different from the framing store that they're like the ones where they have like the cats that's arms go Yeah, yeah, that kind of stuff like sit out front But then they would have like one thing it would be like a whole it would be like a bed like a wooden platform bed Yeah, it was like a pagoda around it And it would be like this is $9,000

But I don't understand how most I don't understand how most stores stay in business frankly like even fancy places where it's like That you know, they're in a nice part of town and you're like No one goes in them. You have to sell, you know, they have like four shirts that are $200 But that still doesn't seem like it just never seems like the math would work Hmm Like how do they I don't know how do they do it? Yeah, I don't know there was a Spencer's gifts And you're like the NYU campus until like a year ago

That I would see and it's like I don't understand who the fuck is going to Spencer's gifts and how are they like affording? like Manhattan rent right and then they finally went out of business and I was like that makes sense Yes, somebody up there won a titty mug. Yeah one guy. I guess like if you're I Don't know you're visiting your kids and you forget a gift and you're like, oh, I know I'll get them This shirt with a fairy on it. Yeah respect to the bros man. Yeah for sure That's how you do it bros man. Yep. Oh six flags That's uh Have you been in the one I think I mentioned it before but have you been in the one in New Orleans?

No, I've never either view actually I just want to this has been distracting me this whole time go for it, but the Louisiana on that map is crazy What is going on with it? It's just like a shrimp tail. Yeah, there's like some weird Like a appendage coming out of it. It's very bizarre. This map was drawn by children. Oh, okay Yeah, I would hope so. Yeah waves don't break like that. I'm an adult didn't draw this map. Are we gonna nuke North Korea? I don't know. Maybe maybe it seems like I think it'd be pretty funny if that happens It would be hilarious. I mean like imagine we like if Donald Trump. Yeah Drop the nuclear fucking bomb. Oh my god

Yeah, this is half a country. Yeah, yeah island and then you know, he would just be like, okay Well, that's it. Yeah, you know, I did it with done It probably wouldn't escalate like that would be the end of it because it'd be because it's so fucking small Where would they know there'd be nobody? Well, they would retaliate against South Korea, I guess. Yeah Yeah, I mean He said he said the other day that he would be honored to meet with Kim Jong-un Yeah

Yeah, not only honored, but It would be it would be his pleasure. He said something along those lines Which is hilarious, I mean, of course he would and if he met with him He would be like, you know, I see where he's coming from and it's hard and yeah, I'm glad he poisoned his brother actually that was great Mm-hmm. It would be it would be I would rather they become best friends. Yeah Equally as funny But I guess the bomb damn I think the idea of like Donald Trump new king a country is so funny

Because that's the most Donald Trump thing you could do. Yeah That's people were like he's gonna he's gonna start a nuclear war and then he just does and then we're like, I Well, I guess that's it. I mean, that's the best we can complain about We tried we said he was going to he said he was going to and then eventually it's kind of nice I mean, there is something nice about him Being president where you're sort of like, well, I don't know what to do anymore Like I'm not a control. We all voted for Hillary like America voted for Hillary You know, she did win the popular vote. We tried we did our I mean she didn't do her best

I didn't fucking vote for Hillary. We did our best. Well, that's I voted I voted for her three times I still think she should be in jail. I don't I mean put it in jail for them whack-ass pantsuits Yeah, I like her pantsuits. I think they're fun. I got real today really into like Twitter accounts that are like, you know saying Well, obviously this a lot. I mean, they're still on the Maddow thing about this being like the Russians fucking Yeah office or whatever and they're like avoided election and illegal election does not mean that it passes to Ryan It means that it goes to the runner-up in the election itself

Hillary Clinton and it's like what fucking Why? University living in that student. What do you think so we think people would just be cool with their like guess what? We're making Hillary president because we found a fucking check from Putin Yeah, it says here's the election for you. There could be the biggest like smoking gun in the world and It would not result in Hillary Clinton then becoming She lost. Yeah, that's real. I hope she runs again, dude, and we'll be tight. I'd be down I'd work on that campaign. Yeah, if she came back and I tell her be whiter

Yeah, don't why why Jay-Z. Yeah, you black people was we was voting for her regardless I think I think it's it's Chelsea's turn to start losing elections. I have support that because she's like I would love to see her lose some stuff. Yeah, she's She's like I want to I want to just as out of touch as Hillary I want to go pro on her as she fucking like loses McDonald's monopoly, you know every kind of every way She could possibly lose Oh man happening people just mentioning that her dad got head one time Yeah, your dad your dad sucked a dick in the

Shut up, bitch One thing that has annoyed me that Like is how it's like misogynist to shit on Chelsea Clinton when it's like no, she just sucks And like don't make this I want to be able to shit on her. Don't tell me I can't shit on her. That's fucked up Mm-hmm. That's actually here's a goal for the listeners. Let's get her her wikipedia changed Permanently so that her middle name reads as pubes. Oh Chelsea pubes It flows. I love it. I mean, if she went with that. Hey, maybe she could win some elections

Yeah, I mean the real the only reason I ever really wanted any kind of audience is just the demand that they do certain wikipedia Vandalism for me Are you banned from wikipedia? I don't know if you can get banned. No, I don't think so I pee ban you but I mean your IP changes All right, I don't know how computers work. Come on. Yeah, you gotta go incognito, bro. Okay, cool All right, wonderful I was just seeing if it was like because you couldn't do it or because you wanted other people to do it Yeah, no, I used to get I used to get banned from wikipedia repeatedly. Yeah, okay, so yeah

It's so funny that they let anyone change it You know it's weird it fucked up my ability to like go to a museum After being on wikipedia long enough You go to a museum and I now even like reading placards in museum I have like the impulse to be like nah, yeah, right Exactly general Custer was a gay man who Slipped those in The best kind of vandalism is you make some minor fucking Robert van gay. Yeah, but some small change

And you know all you're doing is like hurting some fifth graders Book report But if you're if it's such a small change, I mean the t-shirt wouldn't even notice probably yeah Do you remember like when you had to start doing research on the internet before like before wikipedia? And like the types of websites that you had to go to that was just like You know hot pink with like bright purple writing This sounds like it was written by a teacher. Maybe but it's like why remember them being like you're not allowed to use the internet You're not allowed to use it because everything on the internet is a lie

Oh Yeah, no Yeah, but then they started checking fools for plagiarism I can't imagine what what school is now is like. Yeah, so basically just paraphrase wikipedia Yeah, this is welcome to history class. It's all online. So you don't really need to know any of this shit Cuz you can access it immediately You all get a's I'm gonna be killing myself Yeah, I think that's pretty much what school is now. Yeah

A guy I work with was talking to me about his daughter and apparently They his daughter is in sixth grade and everyone in her school gets iPads But they still have textbooks even the retarded kids. I didn't ask a question. Yeah, I'll follow up tomorrow I feel like they started as a second language. They got them too. It's always a real honor to make more than laugh Yeah, yeah, that one got me good. Nice. Hell. Yeah, man. Yeah, basically just have to make a retarded joke I Responsible to give them an iPad Yeah, yeah, you can have an iPad. I mean

Also, I don't know that they do An etch a sketch or something even just for I mean, I think it's responsible irresponsible to give regular sixth graders The change facial hair the magnet shit where it's just like it's a dude's face With the pen and then the pen and then you just draw a beard on them. Mm-hmm. Just give them those. Yeah, it's an etch a sketch Yeah, this is literally just Yeah, that's it. All you can do is give a guy a high top fade. Yeah or nothing else What were those called? Some shitty cuz they were like that's like a dollar store thing. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I don't know. Hmm

Anyway, we should steal those kids iPads. Yeah Well, what do they need the iPad for reading? Oh, well, apparently all she does is watch YouTube videos So like she gotta figure out the computer lab was so fucking that was my favorite shit Yeah, the computer lab used to be turned up man. Yeah, we're gonna trail Oregon trail Did you guys have that game that was like where the the like? Spaceship game where you had to like build no, I was a math blaster It was like you just it was the shittiest game in the world No, you have to like you assemble a spaceship, but it's in three sections

So like engine thought the rocket and then the middle section you pick the payload and then the tip and the tip is Meaningless that has no impact on anything Right there, uh, which is does not carry over in real life. Yeah, the tip is very important. I'd say Hmm. Yeah payload and then the engine and then you just like the payload. What's that? I don't know. That seems like a weird Charge term too. I've been watching. How about the game starting Kevin Spacey? Oh Oh, yes, sir. Um, yeah now that one and then we're in the world is Carmen San Diego Yes, mm-hmm. Gumshoes. Yeah. Oh that show ruled. Yeah, that's how I was sick Liz a fig pen is the yes as the chief the chief. Yes, almost got me into do bop do bop or whatever

You know really do the little jazz shit at the beginning. Yeah, it was like a glee club What the fuck is Carmen San Diego supposed to be just some woman that dresses weird. Yeah, yeah, right? No, she's the criminal She's wearing a Criminal in the red trench coat. I thought she had a regular. Oh, I think I just associated trench coat with detective But I guess everyone and she's doing real fucked up shit cuz she's got to like Go across like international waters and shit. That's crazy. I thought she was the hero and I she's running Wasn't she always doing shit like the Eiffel Tower? Yeah, she was like stealing shit. And then she would go somewhere else with it Yeah, that are human trafficking

Yeah, that would be great if she was like really terrible. Yeah. Yeah, she's just like Carmen San Diego She was with child African slaves Yeah, just like that one SVU, but she's got a real fun theme song. Yeah. Yeah from here to Carolina I think that's not very far That was that how it starts from here to Carolina something like that. Yeah, not even a specific Carolina He's one of them. That is some lazy fucking song, right? Yeah, it'd be great if it was just from Phoenix, Arizona all the way to Tacoma, Philadelphia

I've been everywhere man. They're like, yeah, we can't accept this. You're fired. Oh shit. Um, I remember in high school like kids we weren't allowed to go to the computer lab because Fools were like bullying people on black planet Like there was a list. There's like a Potomac like like whores list Oh, and it was on black planet and like people were like always adding names to the list with black planet black planet It was an early social networking site. Yeah. Yeah, it's black my space black Asian Avenue. Well black or my space Yeah, for sure because my space pretty black. My space got black Yeah, man once they started doing top eight that was like the moment it was black for some reason

I don't know if the top eight had anything to do with that. Yeah, it was just thing. Yeah. Yeah, and then fucking and fools used to all it was like Yeah, which which baby mama are you remember those those quizzes? You know mine. I had a my quiz was which girlfriends character are you? From the TV show girlfriends. Yeah. Oh my god. Damn. My mom used to watch that shit, bro. Yeah Yeah, yeah, you can really fell off. Yeah, it wasn't black anymore. Oh, maybe girlfriends was like their last stand Well, they had a couple of like, I mean it was always sort of black, but then the shows just got shittier. Yeah That had better shows Back in the day. Yeah, I mean Outer space did it turn into something else or did it just go away? That was like the very beginning of you Pia

Yeah, early. Yeah, I talk show Yeah. Oh, yeah, I remember that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I used to watch vibe. Yeah, dude Me too, man. Yeah on our old-ass TV one of those TVs with the knobs. Yeah Yeah, I remember I remember him doing a bit one time about like How like sat like sat sad people they just got their dog and it's like, you know Me my I was like just just me and my dog and I was like hanging out with my dog at the time I was like get out of here Your dog

I don't was being owned by Sinbad Sinbad Cruz remember he used to do the HBO. It was like a special but it was like a It was like a cruise No, I don't remember that. Yeah, I watched I've watched a lot of his comedy. Yeah, there's like it was like the Sinbad like Caribbean comedy jam or some shit. It was his pants get higher and his earrings get longer with every Right, he's just Waving and his fucking giant earrings bashing underneath his fucking chin

That's at least it's like he had to pick a look, you know, I feel like people these days It's just sort of like oh now I'm gonna wear a suit. He also does not get the respect he deserves as a stand-up comic He's like he's great. He was great. Yeah Although he has like one special where the whole thing is about like the 70s Oh, yeah, it was different in the 70s is I tell you in the 70s. Remember used to be able to just get hit by a car I don't think that was ever the case People's bodies Wait like you used to be able to be like

Yeah, yeah Get up you get worse in the 70s Steve Harvey it like it is similar yet He had like that same kind of like fucking he has one special where he's talking about fellas Remember when you was younger you just took a piss and now you're older and you germinate Weird language distinction and it's like how comedy works Okay, it's like if you talk about memory, it's so malleable. You can just do whatever you want with it You can just be like hey remember back in the day when you used to love your parents and now it's sort of like I don't know. Yeah, and everyone's like now you only affection it

Yeah, right. No, that's it. That's that's exactly how it works. First of all, no one urinates No one says excuse me. I have to go urine urinate real quick Well, fellas, remember you you just took a piss stumbles on that joke too. I love that Steve Harvey bit You ever see that one where he's talking about uh About like Iraq or whatever. I don't know if it wasn't Kings of comedy. No, it was much later Another is a good newer especially he's talking about Iraq. He's like Send me over there shit, you know, you don't want to do that. I get there Immediately, you know, he's I'm sure remember the big guys, but it's something like hello, but you know

He's like doing like an air voice. He's like cack cack cack cack. You know, he's like, I don't care man women children He's like this sneak up on me, I'm too scared you can't fucking And it's like immediately I hear and cack cack cack. Oh lord Steve Dunn shot the baby And he's like talking about murdering babies in Afghanistan. Oh shit No, yes, yes, that's great fire fucking That's straight-up hot fries right there Michael Vick bit let a man kill some dogs My mom used to try to get me to dress like Steve Harvey's like when I first

When I first told him I was doing stand-up I was just you know, I was like going out whatever it's like a basketball short It's just you know, whatever you discover the backpack. Yeah. Yeah, you know, this is backpack era and um Yeah, one day. She's like you you going out and that and I was like, yeah And then she's like and then I don't know how it came up, but she was like You know what you should dress more like him like we was looking at Steve Harvey and she was like And I was like fuck man, no and And then but recently I talked to my mom. She's not a Steve Harvey fan anymore. So You know, we came full circle. She found out he has a t-shirt. Yes

You saw a picture of him wearing sandals. It was like Yeah, no, I guess you know just old bald Steve Harvey's a sucker basically That's just the yeah, that's the Johnson family stance fake Lego snap on Yeah, literally nothing made me sadder than finding out that that high top was fake Yeah for any amount of time. That's like dude. That's like the standard of black haircuts. Yeah, we like dog That hit yo Steve Harvey's lineup is it's got to be lasered on we used to plastic surgery I used to watch a sitcom all the time dog. Yes. It was funny. Yeah, dude It was funny because Cedric was on it. Yo Cedric is the bet once again me and my mom said the same shit the other day

You should have been in the car with us. Yeah, she was like, yeah, I've watched it for Cedric Yeah, Cedric was great on it. Oh, he was so good. I love the white character on the show a bullet He's like a mentally retarded white guy who had a bullet in his brain The bit was that he was in high school for six years Damn is to hot towel fucking moron Who's this very funny it means like to cast like a black that's the thing that's missing in all these like conversations about Representation on TV or whatever. It's like we got to have more minority representation It's like, okay, but would you settle for just having like a humiliating white character?

Because it's funnier that way. It is pretty good. Yeah, I gotta hand it to him right bullet head was Uh, that was a Emmy. That was any worthy shit. Yeah, right there. It's very funny to me. My favorite character was Cedric's wife LaVita Alice a Jenkins. Yeah, she was the best just cuz that was like that was their vehicle for like Just like hood names. Yeah, like she always had her relatives. She had a cousin named Nokia Like that was always a bit. Yeah She had a half black half Hawaiian cousin named Kinko He's like a gay hairdresser That's funny that they would mock those names on their own show

I guess Steve Harvey has a normal name. I could see him. That's his like pull up your pants is don't Steve Harvey pretty don't be named Nokia I don't think it's like don't I don't know. I mean, I haven't seen this but maybe it's just like that's funny Yeah, but when you was talking about this fucking that Afghanistan shit. It made me think of I Feel like this is the only time I ever talked to a veteran I don't even know if this fool was in the military for real, but I got like I guess I got a Proposition I got hit on by a guy. I was Adams Morgan one time. I was wearing a Like a National Guard backpack and sometimes like drunk military dudes would like check me when they saw me

So I was in this was one of those times about are you in the you know, like, oh, did you did you earn that? Hmm, and the dude sees me with the backpack and he's like In my shoes. Yeah, I was in the army. What's up? And it was like he was about to fight me He's like in my face yelling at me like what was good and I was like, hey man Chill, you know, eventually I calm him down and he was like he apologized. He's like my bad, man Hey, but like where the bitch is that? And then he got real close and he was like where the niggas that too. He's like whispered it at me and I was like Like I need to go

That's weird. Yeah, a lot of your action the poor gay veterans really don't know Yeah, man, I feel bad that that was the only way that was his only option right try to fight me first He couldn't even be nice And then trying to find where did you earn that that mid-drift that camouflage mid-drift you better earn it, honey I cut off Well, we're almost out of time on this SD card. So that's gonna be thank you for joining. Oh, yeah Yeah, come down west west. We've got it. I guess we're gonna do Well, like two more. Yeah

Yeah, all right, good night folks