The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 53 – Adam’s Fault

Episode Date: May 27, 2017

We had to redo this one. It was adam's fault. If you like weekend episodes though, the premium episodes (patreon.com/cumtown) are always uploaded on the weekend, except for when i forget to upload them, or when I delete the episode by accident

Okay, the title of this episode is Elephant in the Room. Oh, God. And it's about stop. Hey, what the fuck? Oh, good. That's a turn. That's a turn. Good.

Yeah. Because we were all expecting it to be about me. Yeah. So, we had to, Adam lied on Twitter and said the recorder messed up. No, he didn't. The truth is, we had to just not upload the last episode, because it was censored. This is so much, this is so counterproductive now, this is so much worse. You told me to do the lie.

This is so much worse than just releasing it, he's going to get harassed now and call the bitch for censoring the episode. I didn't censor it, the government did. Yeah. So, we got a note from the FCC saying, well, it's the Freedland Censorship Corporation, which is actually a bank owned by Adam's dad. And some things came up about Adam's grandfather and some of the stuff he did during the war. Yeah.

We don't have everyone's consent to talk about them. Actually, the problem was, Adam's grandfather ran a little side business in Auschwitz, where the women that survived the showers were basically up to the highest bidder, and, whew. He wasn't in Auschwitz. He was like the Dolomite of Birkenau. He was like, the Dolos all of Birkenau, Dolomite ruled. Yeah. You don't fucking, Blacksport, I fucking love it.

Is that okay? Did I say too much? About the crimes that you made up my grandfather doing? Yeah. Well, I mean, that's not, I mean, we do have to address the fact that the other episode had to, you know, we had to scrap it, because people are going to find out, you know? Wait, how would they find out? Look, well, they, this is that way.

Yeah. Emerge is called Nicobet, person of bed friend, and she's actually pretty right about that. She's quite right about that. She started over. Well, no, it's fine. You decided to bring up the grandfather rape conversation. I didn't decide to bring that up, but continue, I don't care. I don't care.

Keep both of these, because one day they'll be good bonus content. I feel. No, this one's going out, guys. We're not doing two episodes scrapped in a row. You can say anything about me, and we're my family. You're gay. This is going out. You're gay, you have a little dick.

I don't care. Yeah. I'm not gay. It wasn't even the episode, it was that you were in a bad mood about it. I will. Maybe you should listen to it. I had a lot of, I don't listen to come town. Maybe you should listen to it and see if it's bad.

I listened to one actually recently. It was great. We're not doing this. We're not going to talk about us listening to our podcast on our podcast. That's all I'm going to say. It was great. You did a little cocaine yesterday, and you feel bad? No.

Okay. I've been taking Adderall recently, and I feel a little, little on edge sometimes. I feel like I'm kind of on, I can't do that. Adderall is way more powerful than you, you didn't mean cat or cat, berry, you're all cat, berry, egg, you're all, yeah, yeah, yeah, but maybe a little fatter, are you not as hungry all the time though? I'm not, dude. I'm going to, I'm abusing drugs to get slim for the winter summer.

Yeah. But I am, I'm lightheaded always. My doctor, your fingertips tingle and Adderall, like I can't feel my fingertips a lot of time when I'm on Adderall. No. They don't. I've been in years. I was in college.

Yeah. I did in college to literally stay up and play Gamecube longer. I snorted Adderall to get high with all my boys. Nice. Play Gamecube. I love playing Gamecube all night. I fucked Pussy in college a lot. I was roommates with like a rich kid, and he had one of those like therapists that would

just write it like drug dealer therapist. That rules. Yeah. Yeah. So one morning I had a 8am class. I was like, yo, Danny, let me get a, let me get an Adderall out of your desk. And I'm like, okay. Yeah.

Yeah. He's like, yeah, no problem. And so I grabbed one. I had a economics class and I like get to class and like zoned in. I just took the Adderall. I'm taking like these small little notes and I closed my eyes and I opened them. It feels like two seconds later and the classroom is completely empty. And I just looked down at the paper.

There's like small little gibberish notes and then just a pen line down the side. And then I like come back and I'm like, what the fuck was that dude? He's like, what would you take? And I'm like, the fucking Adderall in your desk. He's like, oh no, that was Xanax dude. I took Xanax, I passed out three minutes into the class. You must have looked so stupid too. I mean, the whole, yeah, I must have looked awful.

Yeah. I drooled all over my desk. Yeah. It was awful. That sucks, man. I'm anti-medication. I'm all about fruits and vegetables. The food pyramid.

Oh yeah. I used to think the food pyramid was kind of stupid, but then I found out that the pyramids were built by slaves. And now I support the idea of the food pyramid as a businessman, as a free market capitalist. I'm really into pyramids, especially that one with an eyeball on top. That has to be my favorite pyramid. Oh yeah. That's some cool shit, dude.

Yeah. I can't, I fucking, I wonder what Masons were up to back in the day, because I feel like Masons now are just like, I don't know, Adam, what was your grandfather up to back then? Oh man, I wish that was, what were the Masons? They were, they were the hats, like the fezzes? No, that's um... Those are Shriners.

Shriners. Shriners. But... But that's a type of Mason? Apparently, yes. Well, I think what the Masons did was Masonry. That's what I thought, too. They built shit out of bricks.

It has nothing to do with bricks, though. Though they love the letter G and like, uh, protractors, that's their whole thing. Yeah. I feel like they're fucking running the world, bro. You either had to be, uh, like a guy that fucked around with bricks, or just a dude named Mason. So you had to have like a single mom that was on alcohol, exactly. Mason. Or...

Yeah. Mason. One of the plumly brothers. Get the fuck in here. The Caleb Society. The Caleb... I'm a free Caleb. Um, fuck dude.

So yeah, that's good, what we just talked about was good. Um, what I, what did I want to ask you, Nick? It's been a while, you had to go again. We haven't gotten your thoughts on the NBA playoffs in some time. Oh yeah. It's getting close to the finals, Nick. What did you think about the box game last, the last game? I don't know.

Was this even a funny bit last time? It was pretty good. It was kind of funny. It was fun. It was great. You heard it here first, folks. Who do you think is going to take it all this year? What's that?

Who's going to take it all? Uh, without consent? Do you really want to know my thoughts? That's how we had to get rid of the last episode is we're talking about somebody taking it all, taking something from someone who didn't want take it taken. I imagine your family being like South African, like one of those, uh, like, you know, like, you know, like cartoon mice that live in the wall and the dads all scared about the daughter learning how to read.

Yeah. Yeah. But it was a lot of them. Yeah. It was a lot of Jewish art where they were like, the humans are nice to me dad. Daddy. Yeah. Stuart Little.

Papa. Stuart Little. Uh, mouse. Mouse. Yeah. Um, and you know, that's kind of the best thing Walt Disney ever did was take mice away from the Jews. Ah, that's right.

Wait, you say that like mouse and then he took, he came up with Chuck E. Cheese. Uh-huh. He didn't come up. Yeah. That's a, that's Disney property. Chuck E. Cheese. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

You know those guys. Do you remember those? Do you remember the animatronic shows that Chuck E. Cheese? Yeah, of course. That's, he literally just mentioned it. Uh-huh. Remember it. God damn it, dude.

It's how you don't even like take others feelings into consideration. You don't listen to things they say like yes or no. I wonder if that's like a familial straight. That's not true. And it's not about sex. It's about power. Yeah. Um, do you ever have a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese?

Uh, no, I never did. Where was your dopest birthday childhood birthday party? Oh, well it's like, cause my sister and I had the same birthday. That's right. It's your birthday. Yeah. Four years apart. Why do people say that shit about rape?

That is, well it's not about sex. It's about power. I don't know. That's what they always say. Oh, okay. Oh yeah, fine. Oh, it's cool man. I thought it was about sex.

Maybe it's just trying to deter like horny people from raping. How? You know what they would probably do? Because it's like hey, you didn't want to rape, you'd probably go to like a sex worker or something. Just throwing that out there. I think that's work. I think that's work.

I think that's work. I think that's work. That's real power. Yeah. You're spending thousands of dollars on virtual reality. You know what? I really, I bought the PlayStation. I barely fucking use it, dude.

I know. Honestly, yeah. I mean, I use the blender still, shouts out to the Vitamix Corporation, but Sony can suck my dick, dude. I might get an Apple TV. Apple TV rules. Yeah. My next purchase is I'm getting a console and then I'm getting a seven channel receiver.

I'm going to hook some surround sound up in this one. Oh, tight dude. Yeah, that's cool. You know what I want to do on my game? An immersive theater experience. Hell yeah. Yo, put some egg creating up in here, make a man cave. Get some flesh lights.

Yeah. You know, watch porn. There's a new flesh light. You don't have to, like, move. It just sucks your dick. I love it. Just hands-free. I love it.

That's cool. Yeah, it's called Adam's mom. It's called my mom. Yeah. She's a lovely one. There's a new flesh light that's incapable of moving. Oh, fuck. What was your best birthday party as a child?

Do you remember? Adam and then Nick. I want to hear the- Well, I used to have to have joint birthdays with my sister. Oh, so all her dumb friends would come and then like- Dude, as an older brother? Are you an Irish twins or something? We're four years apart.

The timing is crazy. Is it the same exact- Irish twins as I thought, like, 11 months apart or something. Right after each other. Yeah. No. Well, the same birthday do you have? Yeah.

My dad used to tell my friends was like, oh, it's because my wife only lets me have sex once a year. Oh, man. And then they'd be like, oh, your dad gets no pussy. He gets no pussy. Do you and your sister have the same birthday? Yeah. We have the same birthday.

Yeah. No, I didn't know if it was the same exact birthday or not. That's weird. April, yeah. Same day. Yeah. So, okay. So you have- and that sucks as a fucking older brother after your little sister and

then- So a bunch of girls. Yeah. They don't have a boy party. Yeah. So I think, like, 5th grade, or 4th grade, I had my first own party. I remember the first party. We rented Mars Attacks, and it was PG-13, dude, but we got to go there anyway as a-

Fuck yeah. Was that 10-year-olds, 11-year-olds? That moved your rules. Dude, I had a much gayer version of that where me and my friends went to see Spice World for my birthday when I was like 10 years old. No, you had to be younger than that, dude. I was probably like- Spice World was what? 97?

Yeah, then 8. I was 8. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. 96? 97? That's a good film, bro. Yeah.

And then I remember I had a sleepover birthday party once. That was cool. Yeah. And then I went to my friend Phil's, and we went on E-Bombs World, or maybe- what was the one before that? What was before E-Bombs? Um, like, that little kid in 92? Home Star Runner?

There was some Home Star Runner, but there was, like, I remember one picture of, like, a nun with a real hairy pussy. Oh, that's cool. I think my best- we went to the- my parents took me and some friends to the Holocaust Museum. And they had a clown that we brought with us, and they- I'm sorry, I'm just remembering how funny that clown was. Yeah, dude.

He knew a lot of cool tricks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is cool, dude. Yeah, yeah. The clown, like, we went into the shoe room and he was like, look how small the shoes are, and then he had, like, his big clown shoes. What is it about the shoe room that everyone- that's what I- that's the only place I remember in that whole- in the DC Museum.

I've never been- you know, I don't- I don't want to spend my money to, like, a missed immersion camp. It's free. Yeah, I remember, like, I remember the Anne Frank experience, where they put you in that thing that simulates, like, a- like, a spaceship. That's cool. What do you mean the experience? She was just in an attic.

I don't really go and put VR and you just stay still. I remember the Lost World video game, where you sit in the Jeep. Yeah. That was cool. That was a cool part of the Holocaust Museum. The Holocaust Museum. Yeah. You sit in the train.

Yeah. In a car. Uh-huh. Well, in a way, I mean, it's train-adjacent, the Holocaust, so it is a cool destination if you are. Do you think there's spur- If you're in the complete- If you're in the complete-

The completeest? Yeah. You're like, I need to go to every museum. Like, I'm a Nazi because I'm really into their train systems. Yeah. I mean, thinking the Auschwitz, if you ever see like the tracks in Auschwitz, it's very impressive. I mean, they had like 20 tracks, like side-by-side.

Really? Yeah. It was like a huge operation. Really did not like Jews. They really- And gypsies. Yeah. Yeah.

And communists. And gays. And retarded people. And yeah. They ch-ch-ch-ch-killed retarded. Gypsies. But you'd think they'd put them to work. The gypsies?

Strong. No, they do tricks. Yeah. They do magic. No, they have like- They do sleight of hand. Yeah. Haven't you ever seen the movie, Thinner?

No. That was a G. Of course not. That was a gypsy. They put the curse on, what's his name? The main guy. Mr. Big Dick? Yeah. Oh, yeah, where he keeps losing weight.

Yeah. Have you not seen Thinner? I've never seen Thinner. It's all right. You keep losing weight, that's the curse? Sounds pretty good. Yeah. Like, noxia gypsy over or something, or he spits on her, and she's like, Thinner, you

know? Yeah, yeah. And then he's like losing weight, and everyone's like, you look great, or whatever, and then he just- it's about AIDS, I guess. He died? Oh, it's an AIDS parable. Yeah. Don't fuck unclean gypsies, because you'll get AIDS, and then waste away to nothing.

That's a powerful message for our time. It's gonna be cool when AIDS turns out to be the cure to everything. Oh. Like, if you have that recombinant or whatever, you know, like super AIDS viruses that they use to just kill other diseases. I can't wait for that to happen. I'm doing that with polio to kill brain cancer. Really?

Really? Yeah. They like splice polio with a type of cold virus, and then they like inject it into brain tumors. No. That's not- because then they cure it right now. So they cured cancer? No, it's in clinical trials.

Oh, right now? Yeah. So it's still like a phase one, you know, study. Hell yeah. I know that Botox is them inserting botulism, like localized botulism into the face to make you look gorgeous. I want to smooth out my ass cheeks with Botox. I was on the upper east side recently.

Those ladies look weird, dude. The Botox? It's weird that you like- if you're like one of the richest people in America, that's how you choose to look. They all get like- they all look like ducks. Well they should fucking- if they were real, if they were rich as hell, and they wanted to go the fucking Susan, uh, not Sarandon, although she's still- I would still give her a-

Sarandal is good, dude. Oh, Susan Saran wrap now. She's made out of plastic. She's got big teeth. I feel like she's- Hey, guys are itch. Hey, whoa. I would love to fuck Susan Sarandon.

I would fuck this shit up. She's just for her body of work. She's an incredible actor. Great actress. Big old titties. I think we talked about it already, but I- I hate the like, self-congratulatory announcement that people would fuck Helen Mirren. Yeah, absolutely.

That's like, you know who I would fuck, actually, is Helen Mirren. She's got big titties. She's got big titties. She probably fucks good. Yeah, sure. She's got years of fucking experience. I saw her- I saw her at a ramen place, and she crushed that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She knows how to eat. She knows how to slurp a noodle, if you know what I'm saying. She got- she got extra noodles. Ooh, my bitch. Yeah, yeah. Right, but you just mean because she's an old lady, they're like proud of themselves? Yeah, but they always like- it's this announcement. Right, right, right, right.

That they would- how magnetically- Well, you think you're the only person that's like willing to say that. Who wouldn't fuck- you'd fuck- we'd all fuck Helen Mirren, right? I wouldn't fuck anybody. I'm- I'm Volcel now. Are you asexual? I'm Volcel vegetables. Yeah.

You do. I'm all about entertainment. Cryptocurrency. Yeah. I get- I'm- Volcel. Yeah. Vol- Volcel vegetables, Vitamix.

Mm-hmm. And then the word vagina, but like the Ghostbusters or something. Volcel always sounds like batteries to me. I think it's- Like Duracell? And like Volt. Yeah. Like Volt, so.

Yeah. That's true. Yeah. That is very true. Hold on. That's all I got for that. No, that's pretty good. Adam- Adam shit his pants today.

Oh yeah, you shit your pants. I did. What happened? What did you eat? First, as a 30-year-old. Um, but you shit your pants like once a year. You do shit your pants. It's the stomach thing.

It's not. It's a weak asshole thing. You got a weak asshole. From getting from jail. It's like, it's my stomach. From being in jail. For tat- you went to jail for bank fraud. For forging coupons.

Coupons to the bank. He says I get a discount on panties. And I'm like, you make this coupon yourself. No, I didn't. And he just starts shitting himself. Yeah, when you get nervous, you shit yourself. I can't go back there. Um, yeah, I pooped my pants a little bit.

You know what they do to girls like me in jail? Oh, fuck. Wait, Nick, what is your real birthday party? Do you have any real birthday memories? We went to David and Buster. Actually, that was pretty fun. Yeah, yeah, but I mean as a child. Yeah.

Um, I got a bowling alley one that was pretty fun. Nice. And which I didn't even, I mostly didn't bowl. I just, uh, played time crisis. Time crisis. Yeah. Time crisis too. And then, um, and then there was like a, uh, like a kid that I had been friends with years

prior, who I had just never seen again. Who was just like, happened to be at the bowling alley. Whoa. Yeah, I was like, oh shit. That's wild. I was like, what are you here? It's my birthday. I was like, oh, happy birthday.

It was great. Hell yeah, man. Yeah, that was a nice birthday. And then we went to the Holocaust Museum. And, uh, we did that. Why did you even make me tell a sincere moment? I wanted to know a sincere moment. That gives me shit about that.

That's cute. This is a comedy podcast. The fans. Well, do you guys ever fuck around with skate land? No. Or skate rinks? No. Oh, like.

Skate land rule, dude. They'd have that fucking horrible ass pizza. My stepsisters used to go to a rolling rink all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I never. And you know what? I did for my cousin's birthday. I went, she had a, a roller skating thing.

Yeah. That was terrible. We had one. We had one at this place, Crystal Palace. Nice. And I remember one year, my, they'd like announce all the birthdays. And it was my friend David's birthday. And they're like, and you'd skate in the middle.

For people who don't know, Crystal Palace was like this place in, um, in Las Vegas where you could trade methamphetamine to have sex with Adam's mom. Well, we were at Crystal Palace and then the Nazis came. Yeah. And then they broke all the crystal. Crystal Palace. And it was the night of the. Yeah.

Um, so it was your birthday and they'd call you into the middle. It was my stripper named Crystal knocked. And that's pretty good. Yeah. That's good. I'm crested. She comes out. She dances to Wagner.

Yeah. Baby puts a glass in her pussy and breaks it. That'd be hot, dude. That's all I want. It's just a woman to do crystal knock with her pussy. It's a movie I'm starting in called Fival goes down on a, on a down ass bitch. There's the mouse eating pussy. That's funny.

That's funny. It's not a Fival sequel called Fival gets a tattoo on his forearm on the inside of his wrist. This was technically mouse, mouse, prequel to Fival before they came over to America. Oh, I guess you have Fival. They did it. Fival. No, because it's all supposed to be about the Holocaust, right?

Because there's cats in Fival. Is Fival by the Holocaust too? No. Fival is by the Jews. It's more like Ellis Island. Yeah. I think it's probably cowboy. No, that's Fival goes west.

Oh, okay. At the beginning of Fival goes west. He does. He has a news boy cap from the first Fival and he puts it inside out. Oh, there's a first Fival. Yeah. All American. Yeah.

All American like literature and fiction is about the Jewish American experience. That's true. In the 1900s. Especially the showgirls, the movie showgirls. That's Elizabeth from Save by the Whale. Berkeley. She's Jews in that. And the guy that fucks her.

That's Hitler. Yeah. Like Wallace and Gromit. Wallace is supposed to be Jewish and then Gromit the dog is supposed to be another Jewish guy. Oh. And the relationship they have is just a relationship between two Jewish men. Oh, that's pretty good.

They live together in a homo. Homosexual relationship. Like all Jews. Like just a homo-friendly relationship. Homo-friendly. Yeah. They're just two gay friends. Yeah.

Man, you know what's the funniest shit in the world? To look at like the rooms wanted page for the Los Angeles Craigslist. Yeah. That's just nothing but predatory gay guys. 100%. That's awesome. What I'm offering is a room to share. We share a bed, share a shower.

It doesn't need to be sexual. It can be if you want. Maybe we can suck each other's dick. It doesn't. I'm just looking at somebody in a place to stay. It can be if you want. Just post on the fucking fuck part of Craigslist. It's all those thin mustache gays.

The older. Yeah. Well, anybody on Craigslist is a fucking predator anyways. That's true. Yeah. All those guys are just like, you know, what they get out of it is the idea of taking advantage of somebody that needs a place to stay. Right, right, right, right, right.

I told you guys when I was looking for that place in DC that Michael Jackson Colt that I walked in on. That like old gay guy with like the thin mustache and the fedora. I was like talking to my dad and I was like, yeah, I haven't found an apartment yet. I've just been visiting places. He's like, I have some friends there. No. I need to meet my Michael Jackson friend.

And I'm like, hang up. And then there's this like old gay dude. And he's like, he's like, hey, like, we got some apartments for rent in this building. Like if you want to come check it out. Yeah, I was like in Logan Circle, like before it was nice. And then I like went in the building and like all the apartments were pretty small. He's like, yeah, so we have a community of all Salvadorian immigrants and gay men. And I was like, okay, that's chill, I guess.

And then so we're like walking around the building and he's like, it's mainly studios. And then he's like, and at the end of the hall is my apartment. And I went into his apartment. He's passed by the old Salvadorian immigrants and like, please help us. Yeah. He's in your house. He called me fuck my ass. He called me ass.

Fuck my ass. Fuck my ass. Fuck my ass. Fuck my ass. Fuck my ass. Fuck my ass. Fuck my ass. Fuck my ass.

Thank you. Anyway, so he's like, yeah, at the end of the hall is my apartment and I've done it up nice. You want to come see it? I'm like, okay. And then like I walk in and it's like the gayest place I've ever been like all the walls are painted black And there's like there's just the like Louis the 16th like fucking bus of like, you know like Statues and shit and then there's these like two muscular like South American

Brazilian dudes in their underwear like on the couch and like they're just waking up there like yeah He's like hey, this is Orlando. You know like and whatever the other guy's name is like these are my friends They're just saying over what he's like everyone. It's just Florida He's like everyone. This is Adam like I just want you to he was on the phone outside to his father And he was so scared and he was trying to find a place to live I told him to come look in the building. They just thought you were some like they Midwestern twink Adam he's looking to get paused So let's shut the door. We're gonna have these El Salvadorian immigrants by far

Be a chambermaid by far the weirdest part, please see you're a goodie, please see ya No, I just want to go back to jump deep I can get drunk and drink monster energy Oh Where my afflictions Anyway by far the weirdest part of the whole thing right before I left I like turned around back towards the door and then like next to the door He had this shrine set up with like all these pictures Michael Jackson

Like like a feather boa and it was like a shrine set to Michael Jackson. I was like it was like right He hadn't died like I think oh really you're before that okay, okay, and I was like oh shit like RIP and then he's like He's like yeah, actually I Happened to think that Michael is a deity. He's a heavenly creature that was sent here to earth incredible and the thing is Everyone said he did those horrible things, but if you know the truth the truth is he did not actually have any genitalia Oh, and so that's why he's completely innocent because he was actually he was an angel He was all smooth down there Really, he really thought he didn't have a dick. Yeah, no, you don't think he had a dick or a pussy or

And he was so scared Going to that guy's apartment. I Did you get out you're like I was like No, he didn't rape me. No, he's just like he's just like a friendly old thin mustache gay guy But if you grabbed his cock, you think you would let you suck it. I already got what I got me Orlando, Florida This is Orlando. This is Florida. That's Mickey Mouse. That's goofy. That's Disney. That's Walt I'm Cinderella Yeah, it's really that

Generic see a frog. Let's see if the glass dildo fits in my ass Well, it's really like gay people are like accepted now pretty much right in society No, I'm not my household Unfortunately, yes, they are I every day I imagine having a son that comes out to me and I kick him out of that fantasies about That generation of gay dudes like the weirdos the John Waters type dudes Those of the dudes that like got the shit beat out of them really bad and we're like stonewall and like yeah Good for him for getting sucked off by cops. Yeah, good for that guy for you should have Michael Jackson was all

Actually, it's actually homophobic of you to not have sex with him. He didn't make a pass at me He probably thought I was like some young street gay guy. Yeah. Yeah. I had like a backpack on and stuff Yeah, you wrote but I was on the phone. I trans youth. I wasn't Trent. No, he probably thought I was like just a I met Adam outside. He is this dickless little trans girl He's all smooth down there Please missy's Adam Can you smuggle us out of here and your burlap sang with a dollar sign on it? Could you carry around with you?

Fuck yeah, I don't know. I've never really lived anywhere weird in my life except my stupid room right now, but It's not weird though. It's not weird. No, I've never just said gay men. I think I'm about to I think I'm gonna fucking chart I think I'm gonna get a nicer room, dude Yeah, you know get it get real walls come here dude come to Brooke. I might we'll see Let's be roommates, dude. Let's do it like fucking Dharma and Greg. Yeah Yeah, of course Adam your Dharma. I'm spiritual Indian Dharma and Greg. We're married though. Yeah, you got all seams limbs We do it like no Dharma and Greg. I fuck you

We'd be Joey and Chandler. I'm Joey. We get lazy boys Was that the implication To get hard at the very least to get hard together to get hard next to each other and they're matching We're fucking nerds you'd like porn exists. They were like single men living in New York City and we fucked all the time Like that was part of his character and Chandler didn't fuck I get that but Joey fucked all the time Chandler didn't fuck He was sarcastic. He was a funny one. Could I be any more of a Could I be any gayer? I never really watched friends, but dude Courtney Cox little boy Chandler outside He was so scared. Yeah, I'm just looking for a place to live

Friends but my cousins from Israel were really into friends and any time I'd say something they'd be like Adam You are such a Chandler That is so Chandler of there. There was a great. There's a great fucking a part of friends where it was just like They were just I they were going brawless Never Phoebe Phoebe's titties you could never see Phoebe didn't have tits though, huh? Do you have a rat these titties, but we'll neither did really Courtney Cox? I mean Jennifer Aniston. I think I don't know who had the biggest hits out of friends. I think it was Courtney Cox you What?

What do you mean by that? So no one told you life was gonna be This guy man. I already I literally just said that you fuck your ass and fucking cocks All right, I'm gonna start listening more. I'm gonna start listening better. It's like you don't listen to me, dude Don't a podcast you know Dun dun dun Adam, you're a faggot. Please listen and so we can have a better podcast I'll try we re-recorded this because of you and now you're blowing it You have you're not even talking to the mic. You know what I wish You got that you got that I wish you could get into like classic cars without looking like a dickhead

Anytime I see a classic car. I'm like that looks really cool And then you see the guy driving it and you're like, oh Yeah, did you see that? You know like a block away from me that that there's like a four-car garage on green and St. John's the same James by you and your address by me is Whatever there's a there's like a four-car garage and there's this dude that has like He's like working on his cars all the time and he has a 57 Chevy. He's like out there. It's beautiful It's like really fucking cool. I don't give a shit about 57. I looked in his but I looked in his garage It's like the most common classic car. Hmm. It's like it is. You see that everywhere. I don't but it looks cool

I mean like if you're like just walking I'm walking the dog Is that where people were getting fingered on make-out point and shit like that? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah, a lot of but there's a lot of cool cars around here There's like an old like T-bird around the corner. Yeah, there's like a big-ass like Big old Buick and shit. Mm-hmm. I mean there's cool stuff to look at. Yeah when cars were all 4,000 pounds Yeah, there's a lot of that size. There was a lot of that in in LA too. That's chill. Yeah But anyway that guy in his garage I was like walking the dog and I looked a little bit closer into the garage

He's got like posters and stuff and one of the posters yes of his The Ken Burns jazz documentary. He has a great documentary. It's a good documentary But it's like funny that he has it up and it's like man. Is he a black guy? No, I think he's that he's like an he's like a kind of like a working class like he might be a cop or something But but he's like it's like an Italian. So he's white. Yeah, but he's like He might be said is he a black guy and you go no, I think he's like He's employed Axes no, no, he's like a piece of shit. I didn't say that you really you literally did say no

Everyone thinks you're the most Podcast I'm not a crew neck t-shirts and stupid dad hats crew neck t-shirts. What do you wear v-neck t-shirts? No, I wear hoodies and Jeans you don't wear t-shirts. You're literally wearing a crew neck t-shirt right that sweatshirt I'm not wearing sweatshirt. Oh hoody t-shirts. You were you wear hoody t-shirt. Yeah. Oh, yeah with the hood dude There's I wish I wear tank tops with hoods. See that look. Yeah, that's a good look That's a good look dude. I actually have I have a couple of sleeveless hoodies. Nice, man. Yeah Winners out guns out. Well, you got those out guns out those out those out

Fuck fuck some guys in there I Really got nothing here for snows out hose out your jobs a joke. You broke your love lives a fairy Your job's a joke. You broke you got a shopping man Yeah, you know for money amigos on NBC It is me child I am the funny one. I am such a such a the funny guy You know with sometimes the my room a hoi

And he says something but but it's a very dumb. Hey, I'm a hoi. I want to eat tacos, man Oh, oh, oh, could you be any more? You know so stupid What's up, could you any more What's up guys, you know, we're done. We are done. It's a rose. We're not doing this It's a me rose. I'm a dinosaur. I've already moved on from this. It's kind of like dinosaurs guys Bailey on knowledge. No, we're stop thinks the friends in Spanish is funny anymore. So We're not doing that bit Yeah, I kind of feel bad. It kind of is like a caricature of a proud people

Yeah, but we see we did it and then we learned from our mistakes and then you continued doing you piled on looked fun Yeah, yeah, that's a hot topic this week, you know, I got it. I got something to pile on to yeah Piling on to people. Is it good or is it bad? It's time for the people that actively engaged in it for years Come to the conclusions that the people they hated came to four years ago You know what after like shaming people for Years and years and years and like building a career off of it Yeah, I decided that now I'm going to shame the people to do the shaming. Yeah, you know, I think that's my next move

Oh, that's I think after I get fired negativity after I get fired from Come town. I think my next career is probably gonna be Jappy like sort of a jappy screenshot Journalist girl ice man. Yeah, is that when you finish your transition you started in DC? Um, what transition? What do you mean? Yeah, when are you gonna start hormones in DC? I started that transition trans woman for a long time. No, I'm not a trans woman I got a nude. You kind of look like Chelsea Manning Right now. Yeah

Sort of like an army look about wearing red lipstick and you have blonde be you bleach your hair blonde Do you think I look like a hero? No, Adam looks like Chelsea womaning Nice nice, bro. Nice, dude Nice, yeah, you look more feminine than than her What do you mean by that you look like a woman dude? I think it's like a woman So what you're not denying it? It's not like a woman, dude. It's like yeah, like an intellectual kind of You're right intellectuals are gay Yeah, I sit like an intellectual

This is like an intellectual. I'm gonna teach my daughters to sit intellectual style so no one can see their pussy whenever I'm dressed I wish we could wear dresses man in the summertime. Yeah, just get into kilt's kilt. You're so fucking Yeah, dude, oh my god, Brett Yeah, I was at a wedding like two weeks ago. There was a kill It's not even a fucking Irish thing and so many people pointed them out that out there. Yeah Your name is the Irish comic On station to kill it with bagpipes Holy shit this whole time I didn't put that together

You didn't no dude. Oh, yeah, no, it was holy shit. Yeah, I'm everyone to be like, you know, yeah, yeah, it's not like more of a Scottish thing I mean like no technically, uh, you know, yeah. But he wasn't he was like from Milwaukee Yeah, isn't like yeah, he wasn't even not even I wasn't Scottish or Irish Yeah, he had a go on stage every time like that. I love comics. They're themed like that like I see the headshots for The coach There's a guy who's just a co he wears a leather football helmet and there's uh, well, that's not even the coach That's a player, but he had a whistle and he wouldn't wear that helmet Well, the coach used to wear a helmet and in in American football the coach actually used to play a part of you would be on the field

Oh during the game and if you tackled the coach you won Like the king. Yeah. It was chess. Mm-hmm. Oh cool. It was more intellectual. Oh Mm-hmm. Yes. Yes, I know about this as an intellectual myself. Is that where you're sitting like that fuck? So you can just call yourself an intellectual public. Oh, yeah, of course. I'm an intellectual intellectual just means you live in Brooklyn, right? Stop as a socialist. Yeah, I'm a socialist. It means you tuck in your shirt and you live in Brooklyn That's what an intellectual is. Yeah, you don't have an actual job It means that you intellectual is how you pronounce those parentheses around someone's name It means you read

You read what do you call it infinite jest on the train so everyone knows how smart you are I told you my favorite train moment. Was that fucking guy pulling catcher in the rye out? Yeah, I just put back. Hell, yes What the fuck how old was this guy? I don't know. It's like 25 That's like a book for the kids. He was like a super cool like street fashion dude Yeah Strattling the fucking doorway on the train. Oh, yes. Hell, yeah, dude Yeah, I feel stupid because I love catcher in the rye

That's a good book, but I just that's when I stopped being smart is like when I was 16 Yeah, well you weren't smart then either. No, I was smart bitch everyone everyone thinks they're smart That's that's like the that's the most beautiful thing to witness is people who are like 22 23 Turning 24 realizing that their precociousness just maxes out and then they're gonna get progressively dumber Yeah, and then they have like this fucking downward spiral right well. I'm not saying I'm still smart Yeah, like I was tall in sixth grade. I'm not tall anymore. We've been the same height I was the same smartness, but I've my brain has turned to mush because all I do is fucking comedy and like, you know Beat off and like play video. Well, I don't even play video games

I don't know what I do with my days really if I'm being honest, but yeah, I used to be smart You could be smart and then turn dumb, which is what I've done. I stopped reading. I don't really write anything anymore I used to write all the time. I feel like Chinese people stay smart No, yeah, because they just you know, they're about that work, you know, they're about that discipline It seems like they're smart because you don't know what they're saying Probably some smart shit, dude. Yeah, it's all math. It is math They are all doing division two plus two eight four nine square root five five hundred million two two times divided by 15

Just translate square root five geometry pre-calculus The derivative nine nine hundred two hundred dollar three hundred Who's it like that you're doing one time the guy's like, hey, you come here. Maybe five dollars Maybe You have lunch today pretty good $5 maybe $2 Fuck dude, my tooth hurts anybody know a good dentist wait your shit didn't get fixed by that it got fixed I don't think you've updated. I don't even told anyone. Yeah. I went to LA for this

I went to my mom. I forgot my mom works at a dental lab. So she knows she sent you to a general contractor Yeah, no, she knows a fucking dentist dude. This guy rules, but I had to get there like is your mom's job to test the fake teeth To see how they hold up when a dick is put in between. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She chomps down hard as hell She gets new dentures and sucks a brand new dick every week. Really you can drag your mom like that, dude I think it's pretty disrespectful. I'm telling you what a job fuck up, dude I'm telling you ever tell him how to interact with his own mother On this podcast. You're welcome. Thank you, man That's so fucking rude of you fucking talking about my mom

I'm about sticking up for my friend. Thank you, man. You know What are you saying about? Oh, you're there's a stigma about our job, man She didn't raise three beautiful boys in this country. You're right. There's some respect of all you don't know You don't know the gender of his brothers. That's right. I know my brother George identifies Nick and George How does George identify George identifies as sis het? No, he's trans. No, he's not. Yes. He is. That's not true, dude. He's trans curious Actually, he told me the other day that he's been telling you that he's trans He whispered in your hair from behind you fucked you in the ass

Because he's trans boys, baby. That's not true. Yeah Anyway, my brother fucked you and my mom has a cool job in a dental lab that she's proud of and I'm proud of her And she got me the hookup at a dentist where I went there at 2 p.m. And I just sat there and this guy Like would work on my tooth. He would do like five minutes of work every like hour So I was just fucking sitting in the dentist chair with fucking novocaine in my shit watching property brothers That's fucking rules I'd like to imagine him like leaning back in the chair and like playing an electric guitar. That's not plugged in So is your tooth fucked up still? Oh, okay

Yeah, it's novocaine like nitrous like you do it like grateful dead concerts. No, that's different He does novocaine. What are you talking about? People do nitrous at like in the parking lot. Yeah, no shit. It's a gas What's novocaine? It's the inject. Have you never gotten any kind of inject your gums in that shit? Yeah, they do the gas Don't they know they know they don't get a gas you to get a fucking cavity filled That's what they do to me. I thought right. Oh, it's probably gas. I had a cavity when I was like young man I don't really gas you you were unconscious and they fucked you Okay, well anyway stop how's your mouth? Yeah, so this motherfucker he shots out to the dock He he ruled he didn't charge me. I just had to stay there for like seven hours

He like kind of worked on me in between in between other patients And oh also though shots out to this guy. He was like he was like you uh your comedian He was your mom tells me your comedian Do you like do you do dirty jokes? And he was like here's a dirty joke. Can you tell me that joke about? The nine-inch pianist You don't know that I can figure out kind of yeah, what is the joke he's like You you walk into some guy who asked for he was like a genie at granted his wish But the genie was hard of hearing so he had there was a nine-inch pianist on the table

He was like yeah, I asked for a nine-inch pianist. Yeah, you can put it together I don't I mean I butchered joke, but he asked for a nine-inch cock, but he gets like a nine-inch piano. Yeah, that sucks Dude, I would punch that genie in the fucking if you had a genie. What would you wish for a ten-inch cock? Do you want a bigger dick at him are you not satisfied? I don't know it really like my dick isn't that good, but it's like really hasn't failed me so far sure Yeah, I used to want it to be bigger when I'd see like porn as a kid I thought that all dicks were that size. I'd like to plump it up around the edges. I don't know I mean, yeah, I mean obviously if it was bigger it'd be hilarious. It'd be great

But like I would take a hundred million dollars. I think yeah, yeah, that's probably I don't want to be greedy But I think I'd be happy with a hundred. What would you do? What would you do a hundred with a hundred million? Yeah, I like Half of it for just speculative investments to try and turn it into a billion nice Just ask for a billion from the gene. You really only need to make it that's not that's no figure. I Was that's no fun I would want to I would want to gamble a shit ton of it with 50 million you could still do what the fuck ever He's sure forever. Well, I would ask for 1 million and get everything that kid in blank check got

Boxing thing remember the boxing thing. That's pretty cool. All that cost was a million. Mr. Mackintosh. Oh, yeah, dude Well, he didn't get shit. He got like he already had a nice house Fucking cunt mom look there fuck that lady though, right? That's the implication. Yeah, he's he had sex a bunch Let's read this to a gritty reboot of blank check and it's just a kid spending all his money on hoors No, I was saying I was gonna say no, I would buy I was actually I was already looking at it a gold claim in Alaska that comes with its own barge And I was gonna just move to Alaska and look for yeah, Nick low-key wants to be in Alaska guys Well, they don't have property tax

You also get paid for living there too because the oil I think well, I don't know about that I think you get like a twenty thousand dollar check from the government every year. That's not sure Maybe I made that up, but yeah, I think everyone gets a check from the government for living there Well, they don't have property tax. So like let's say if you bought a house Let's say you bought a house because I like you know Theoretically could buy property in the next two three years. Yeah, but if you bought a house and you bought it outright You have like five years before the government will take it away from you if you don't pay property tax They'll just still fucking just sell your house and what let as shitty as a bank would they'll just fucking

Property tax House what's that probably tax in New York City are surprisingly low I've been told yeah, but property price the the property the taxes are the same through the fucking roof Yeah, like a low percentage doesn't mean shit if you're still paying twenty thousand dollars a year. Yeah I've never gonna bribe property, dude. Maybe I'll be a houseboat guy That's why I said after divorce to I think you get your parents house when they die. I Guess I guess yeah, they own that as the firstborn. Yeah, I think my parents Oh a lot on theirs, but I think they own it. Yeah, they own that shit, baby

I want to buy some property in Baltimore. You know go back to be more The favorite son if you had a hundred million dollars, you'd move back to Baltimore Yeah, I'd buy a house just to go hang out with fucking Cal Ripken and shit, dude Go to the yard go to Camden yards. Yeah, she's gonna go to base The Camden yards rules. I mean I'd go every once in a while. Yeah, I mean that's like if you had a I don't think you understand How much money a hundred million have no hundred million dollars is like you do shit That's like that's the shit that fucking the super rich go do stuff And you don't even know what kinds of forms right right right getting into like going to like Bermuda

raping an entire native population and then like going back to Westchester for dinner You take a g6 down there you pull an old Adam Friedland On the you know that guy Scott Storch Yes, I think he blew a hundred mil really or maybe like it was like maybe ten He was rich so he was a fucking hitmaker, baby He blew it like on yachts and just he spent way too much money. It's hard to blow that much money. It is hard I guess it's work to blow that much money. I guess I would I Would open up a restaurant

You know you would open a restaurant I would open up a restaurant because I want to be a restaurant tour dude. Yeah, it's actually very tough business I know but if I have a hundred million, it's a pet project. So I'm putting money into it You're like a patron of the patron. I'm saying hello to everyone. It's like you're an art patron But absolutely sandwiches the finest of steaks steaks and seafood right now, dude. What a little surf and turf It's a great concept. Fuck. Yeah, dude steaks and seafood Stop the surf and turf. That's what I'd call it and the waitress the waitresses are all mermaids With clamshells on their titties. Yeah, and they all got big of fucking a juicy titties

and Hmm What else so I would give I would give some to charity You know I would not give any money to charity. I learned that that philanthropy is actually bad really Yeah, it's not it's not good to rely on teach you. Yeah, you gotta teach them how to fish No, yeah, I teach them how to fish that we just need wealth redistribution. It's not gonna be me that does it I'll support the idea but until that time we can't rely on charity. So it's better to just not be charitable at all

You know because you know, I agree. You don't want to make people dependent on sure sure sure sure Yeah, yeah, respect on that brother. So my hundred million dollars g6 down to Bermuda Oh The codename see the chief Dave and busters Take a little trip to Dave and busters Down there in the Bermuda triangle where ships disappear. Oh Interesting. What do you think happened to those ships? We're snatched up by me and my hundred million Bermuda's not in the Caribbean

It's in the Atlantic. I would probably also try and get away with I don't know tying a woman up and putting her on a train. Oh, you become a villain. Yeah. Oh, I mean Well, that's what being rich is that is true. Yeah. Yeah, you become dressed like that We have a little mustache. I already have the mustache. You need to get curlier. I could I did until like three days ago I guess that's true. No change. I never noticed when you change. I switch to the goatee. Yeah, it's a goatee season now, isn't it? God, I wish I could grow nice. I think all I do probably the calf implants Yeah, your legs are scrawny instead of just going to the gym and exercising. No, I get the implants probably yeah Yeah, I get sir. I get liposuction. No, I would never get calf implants. You get like

No, I just grow my hair out again No, okay, I would probably try to find a beautiful wife that doesn't love me for the money Yeah, that doesn't exist. That's how you end up like Ed Sheeran. Yeah, he's toxic toxically masculine The positive point of toxic masculinity that fucking tomato. Yeah, that's singing tomato Who got cucked? I think by his friend Ed Sheeran, dude He's like the guard who Frodo like the Garfield of pussy instead of Mondays. He hates pussy Oh girls the Garfield I kind of like that as a title. Yeah, I doesn't make any fucking sense

He's orange. He's round. Okay. Okay. Okay. You know, he doesn't like Mondays I know but the Garfield pussy for some reason sounds like someone who fucks I know it doesn't make sense. No, that's like it's one of those weird British royal titles That's like down the list and ascendancy to the Garfield to the crown. Yeah, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Winsley doosal Dorp the ninth Earl Garfield of pussy Shaw is shyer of whales Fuck I'm the Odie of pussy. I'm the Nirmal of pussy. I'm actually Nirmal Adams the John Arbuckle of pussy You're our boy. You're John Arbuckle, especially the one where you drinks come

That's the U Adams. He drinks dog gum. He drinks dog gum. It's awesome. Yeah, it honestly is one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life Did we ever tell the... It's like this wholesome ass bullshit This guy just drops out of nowhere makes one where he drinks gum. I look at the babies. I look at the babies. Givetnary is like congratulations. You're gonna father some puppy. Like, please ball. Why don't you just drink a cup of... Yeah.

And the doctor's not... Yeah, why is that out? Why do you have dog gum just out in that veterinarian thing? Also, John, Jim, whatever the fuck, John Arbuckle, you don't look at it and smell cum Well, dog gum smells different. So it smells like coffee. That's the thing. Jim thinks he's drinking coffee So come and coffee if nothing... John thinks he's drinking... You're John who drinks cum. Nick, I guess you're Garfield and I'm Nermal because it's the cute cat. Nermal's a boy, by the way.

There's another cat. I'm not Garfield. I'm Roy, the rooster from the U.S. Acres. Okay, you're Roy. I'm Nermal, the cute little cat. He's still good. And again, you're John who drinks cum. Yeah, you're John because you dress like John. You look like John. You know, because I have a job, guys. I guess. Do you have a job? Aren't you getting fired?

Uh, it's kind of a quit-fire situation. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going full cum these days. You start beating off? Yeah, I'm going to jog off all day. Um, no, I got, guys, I got a couple passion projects I got to start focusing on. And uh... Passion pit.

Yeah, like preparing your defense. I've given eight years to the paralegal profession and it was, it was a, it was a passion of mine. It was probably the passion of my life. The passion of the Christ. It was the passion. Have you seen that movie? Um, you should really, you should really look at it. I, I, I look at some hard truths.

I went, I saw it in the theaters. You and your synagogue went and cheered. No, whoo! Straight up, uh, I think Phil said that him and his synagogue saw passion. That's awesome. Um, clapping like black people watching. No, I went, I went on one of those days and me and my friend used to like pay for one movie and then see like three, four movies.

Like when we were in like middle school. Yeah. Yeah. We saw passion. I'd rather just watch movies in my house, dude. Oh man, that's awful. You, you stole from Mel Gibson. You stole your way into the passion of the Christ.

Oh, that is pretty, that is pretty, yeah. I saw passion of the Christ, but I did not give that man a dime of my money. And, and by doing so, proving everything he stands for. I'm still laughing at Adam printing his own coupons for the bank. He's a two-for-one-twenties. Uh, sir, that can't get discount money. Well, read the fine print, my friend. Uh, fuck, that's funny.

Coupons at the bank is really good. It's like, I have this coupon for more money. Uh, fuck. I want to fucking, damn dude. I'm just getting hungry. Maybe I should take more Adderall. Do you want to have, we're gonna, you want to have a late dinner here? No, I don't want to burn it up, dude.

I don't want to eat late at night, dude. I'm trying to lose weight. Are you sick? No. I have been sleeping all day and, you know. Yeah, what did you do today? Nothing. Nice.

Absolutely nothing. I scheduled an eye exam for tomorrow. Got a nice little $35 coupon. Mmm, not bad. I exam because I broke my glasses. Not bad, my friend. Yeah. You getting new glasses?

What do you want to get? I sat on my glasses and broke them. Really? Yeah. Nice. What kind of glasses do you get? Get a powerful ass. Um, I don't know, but I'm doing the thing this time

where I just get the prescription and then I buy the frames online. Nice. You get it from China. Zeny optical. Yeah, dude. That's my plug. Don't take my Zeny plug.

First of all, let's stop plugging shit because it might be a conflict with some of our real sponsors. Yeah, yeah. Actually, someone sent me a thing for a sponsor. Where did you know sponsor? But he said that only I could have the money. It's a joke. That's not how it works.

Yeah. I'll tell you what it is. It's a- No. It's a- Fuck you. I don't- This is a bad idea if you have somebody like a-

No, he's getting free advertising. Fuck him. After listening to the most recent premium episode, we couldn't think of a better spokesperson for, I'm not going to say the name because they haven't given me any money. We would like to extend a generous offer to you. None of the funds are to be distributed

to any other members of the podcast. Can't refuse, uh- What industry are they in? In exchange. Um, I would say that- I don't really know how to say it. I don't really know what the- It's good, it's only-

It's fake. I mean, I think it's a joke. Oh, yeah. This is a DM. This isn't a fucking- It's a DM. You guys keep talking while I'm looking at this. Um, so grilled cheese, what do you think of it, Adam?

Are you a fan? I think it's nice dunking a little tomato soup. Mm-hmm. But it's got to be a bisque, you know? It's got to be a little creamier than just like that. I fuck with that. You know what I'm talking about? I fuck with the bisque.

You know what I'm talking about. Everly, my friend. You know what I'm saying. A seafood bisque? Yo. A little- But like tomato bisque? Tomato bisque?

Basil? Yes, my bitch. And then you dunk, uh, grilled cheese? That's comfort food. What kind of cheese do you want to put in your grilled cheese? Give it a mix, um? You- Yeah, you can go with different-

My own. You're gonna get American- Swiss and cheddar? Yeah, this is fake, dude. It's fake. You fucking idiot. Listen, I didn't think it was real. It's just refunded by the Koch brothers.

Well, I didn't think it was real. You fucking idiot. God damn. I like to- You know what? I'd like to do a plug for Halki's Custom Woodwork. That's my dad's actual business. I'm serious, though.

They have to pay the show. If you need some woodworking done, uh, you know, go to Halki's Custom Woodwork and you want an- All right, all right, all right. We gotta- We gotta end this one on some kind of bit. Okay. This guy, this has been so unfunny.

Yeah. Ever since Adam decided to make this episode about money, it's just become incredibly grating and boring and it ruins the tone and the spirit of what we're about to do. Guys, if you need to destroy the like- I mean, my grandfather's not alive, so I don't really care. No, man, stop making everything about you. All right.

We're gonna talk- We're gonna end this one talking about our favorite TV dinners. Okay. I like Hungry Man. Me too. Well, good episode, guys. Good talk. What kind of Hungry Man would eat a TV dinner?

That's good. He would get a sandwich. That's really good. From the deli. Oh, yes. Uh-huh. A big pastrami sandwich. What kind of Hungry Man?

Who's- Why do they call them TV dinners? You don't eat the TV. Yes. You don't eat the TV. I'll have mashed potatoes with some Matlock. Dude, you know when you like fucking you're like falling asleep and you have some bullshit fake idea for a joke

and you're like, oh, I got to write that down. You're like, no, I don't remember. I dream ideas. Shut the fuck up. Let me tell you. So this is the one I had the other night. I was like asleep and I was, you know, where you like imagine you're doing a bit

and I was like, give me that song about the- Hey, Mr. Tally Man, Tally Me Bananas. That's like song is actually about how shitty the job is and there's this like dangerous spider or whatever that the Brazilian wandering spider that lives in the banana bushels and then it's like the most deadly spider in the world. And the banana, the guys that cut down the banana like bunches or whatever the fuck they're called,

they get bit by these spiders and they just die. Holy shit. Yeah, it's like a- Wait, is that real? Yeah, there's a line in the song that's like something, something the scary tarantula or whatever. Daylight coming, we want to go home. Oh, shit.

They're up all night getting bit by these like tarantulas and living the bananas or whatever. And then I was like in my head like doing a bit about like, yeah, but maybe if they wanted people to feel bad for them, they wouldn't have made the song so fun. Well, that's a really good job. Yeah, it should be a somber tune. Yeah, and I remember waking up in the morning being like,

oh, what was that good idea for a joke I had? I'm like, oh, god damn it. I guess I'm back to not having written a joke for a year and a half. It feels good. I'm telling you, man, I had like, it was Subway Jared was good bit. That was the last good news story. He broke you. He didn't break me.

He broke your ability. No one can ever break me. I'll break you, bitch. I'll fucking break the two of you. I'll break you and I'll fuck you. You think you do well as a POW, Nick? A prisoner of war? Yeah.

Yeah, of course. Do you have an indomitable spirit? No, because I'm all right. You know, it's like the Hulk. My secret is that I'm always angry. You're always angry. Yeah. No, I don't know how I would do as a POW.

I would probably be just to the living conditions. You would definitely be the best out of all three of us. I'd fold immediately. I'd rat on anyone. The idea of not having freedom, though, is like that's something that affects me deeply. But living in like a cage, I would probably have no issue with. You need bugs and shit.

Even the physical toiletries. Being far away from my loved ones. I think all of that would not be a problem. But the idea of not being able to leave whenever I wanted would fuck with me. So if you were a part of a free-range prison, you'd be OK. No, any kind of prison would not be. Well, you know where all the guys in the unit are?

I mean, you guys are treated terribly by the Japanese or whatever. But your commander is there. You make up songs to survive and pass the time. You know what I mean? Yeah. That seems fun. I don't know.

I want to go again. You know what seems fun? It's going to be cool to be in a Cambodian POW camp. And they just still let you do your podcast. If they let us keep recording. Good morning, Cambodia. Oh, it's me. Shut up.

Only I'm allowed to do the impression. If you do it too, I'm going to kick your fucking ass. There's only one guy that does the impression. You shut the fuck up, you fat motherfucker. You're listening to the Robin Williams podcast. Hey, oh, it's me, Robin Williams. And it's me also, Robin Williams. Don't tell me what to do.

Now, I'm Ringo. He's Ringo, Ringo Williams. He's the Ringo and Robin shit. Oh, all right. I'm Ringo Williams. Hey, ooh. I'm Ringo Williams. Basically his career.

This is that kind of shit. Oh, now I'm prone. Tracy. I'm Ringo Williams. All right. Ringo Williams is pretty good. Yeah, I guess that's it. I want to go to mob prison.

Let's talk about that in another rep. Yeah. Mobs have prisons. Hour five minutes, 23 seconds. That's a long. That's a free five minutes for the fans. Why don't you apologize to everybody for making us delete the other one?

I didn't. I didn't do that. It was. Yeah, it was technical difficulties. Stop it, guys. Are you going to apologize? I apologize to no one and to the to the individuals that called me the K word for us being late on the episode.

I'm not afraid and you can keep calling me that the rest of my life. I'm not going anywhere, folks. Oh, actually, you're a dumb bitch. Oh, huh? Fuck you, Adam. Oh, we got a special camp just for boys like you. The Heinrich Adams.

He was in a Holocaust movie. Oh, you know what? I love his twins. I love the twins. Bring him in to experiments on him. Just patch Adams mangley. Yes, yes. Mangley with a rubber red nose.

Oh, what do we got here? Twins. Let's inject some hot water into the brains. This one's dead. Oh, look, it's a zombie. Let's do an improv bit with his dead body. Let's make him talk black. Oh, yeah.

I'm going to put my arms through his and pretend I'm driving. All right.