The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 54 – New Characters

Episode Date: June 1, 2017

Were debuting some new characters we've been working on - Gay Guy, mexican guy who is trying to go to the bathroom bu he cant because his dick is too small, Doctor Retard.

Oh, dude, we start yeah, we just started Adam what did you just say he was saying something before and we started I wasn't saying anything We're having a nice night here we got some animal crackers for Stavros yeah, I'm trying to lose weight With M&M cookies, which I fucking love animal crackers with your little dick in his hell and a fuck These aren't even these aren't these are off-brand animal crackers. Oh, there's zoo cracker zoo crackers Weifers Crackers rule because you could do the fucking ISIS beheading video with them. That's true You can also make them fuck yeah, and you can make them fuck you could fuck we mean you can kill them and make a heading video with them

Well, you know, you think just Muslims behead people. No, you just eat their heads off. You know, that's fun. Yeah And what is that a what does that have to do with Isis? B? Isis beheads and you could behead an animal cracker. They behead animals. They behead people they behead people But you can act like oh, I'm gingerbread man. That's what you're. Oh Looks like we found out Adam doesn't know what animal crackers I think that all animal that we are we are part of the animal Kingdom and animal cracker is like that's what I call mixed race That is a good one I

Couldn't help myself I was the one that said I'm not worried about people coming after me I'm just there he did. That is a good fuck it. Oh damn. I'm not mister. I've got problems in my DMs Yeah, well fuck you rapist. It's not a nice Well, Adam, you know don't shoot the messenger don't shoot the messenger All right, I won't Fuck Yeah, so zoo animal crackers. Yeah, I don't appreciate this man. I'm hungry

It's by Austin the company that makes those little peanut butter sandwiches the peanut butter cracker sandwiches No, the square ones like Yeah, those are good, but they also make peanut butter sandwiches Austin farms official sponsor of the podcast They called me up It's the same guy that's founded the company in 1871. He's still alive really He's like after I wasn't allowed to keep slaves anymore. I wanted to get into peanut butter crackers And so I sold a couple of my remaining slaves illegally to a Spaniard and I bought this farm

Snacks for children who don't need to buy their lunch with stamps It's the fancy lunch Yeah, excuse me Are you seeing food James and black people get? Yeah, I don't want none of that out of context that's That one seems kind of problem. Well, everyone knows Ralph already gone. Yeah. Oh, yeah, Ralph's back. Hey, what's up y'all? Yeah, we have we got Ralph. I should have drank some of this coffee Ralph in the stew Yeah, ah

Ah, that's some good Joe Oh Our coffee is brought to you today by Caribou coffee. Oh nice Caribou, it's like Starbucks, but for for you know, Alaska It doesn't matter I feel like we've already broke the racist seal Yeah, this has been a pretty racist one up top. Yeah, you know who I'm talking That's my that's my favorite because it you make other people do the work

Of course, you make them be racist and it's more than like, you know, like that Louis CK bid It's like when you say n-word then I have to say the actual n-word in my head. Yeah, it's like No, you don't. Yeah You just not you thinking it, you know what n-word I can hear the n-word and just think oh the n-word I can't dude really thinking it a lot. Yeah, you just have a southern man in a kernel uniform shouting That's 24 7. Yeah, I can't have no relief Yeah But when you say a couple of you know what's that way, you know, somebody learns something about themselves. Yeah

They're most deep-seated biases, you know who usually does the learning right? No, you know You know I'm talking about what yeah, I know what you're talking about a couple of couple of learnings over here Yeah, learning Sanders couple of learned boys Damn man, so we all went to see Alien Covenant and it was great. Yeah, it was so good They're probably the best of all of the Jurassic Park movies. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. I loved when Sandra Bullock Comes out. Yeah, and you see your tits for a second when the bus goes past Because past that cop car if you pause it you can see Sandra Bernhardt's tits

Wait, can you actually see Sandra Bullock's tits and speed? Yes, nice. Yeah, have you ever seen the porn that's edited in the rescuers down under? It's very funny because you know like remember all that shit people said or a subliminal messages in Disney Yeah, they show it to you and it's just bullshit, you know Well, there's what the priest in Little Mermaid looks like he has a boner. Yeah, but it's a most of them are yeah It's stuff like Aladdin whispering like take off your clothes, you know, which is sex in the clouds. Yeah, and it's that's the Lion King Yeah, but that's it's like barely there. Yeah rescues down under somebody like just put pornography in the movie Wait in the actual movie in the actual frame of porn. No, it's not a frame

It's like there's like a mine cart or something. I've never I've seen the whole movie. I've only seen the part with the porn in Cool. Nice, man. And because you know what when I was a little kid. I said fuck this Imagination stuff. I'm jacking off. Hell. Yeah. What would you first jack off? Six and a half months old As soon as I teased on my own dick Fucking did baby yoga My mom put me in baby Pilates, and I learned how to suck my own dick You're just gumming your little cock

That's why my teeth are so small now You file it you still to this day file them off on your dick. Yeah, damn You have a very thick cock skin. Mm-hmm. Yeah, of course a lot of calluses didn't infant. They had one of my ribs removed I wonder if babies could suck their own dick. I think I think about it I think they probably could because they have such weird proportions. They suck their feet easy. Yeah easy Yeah, so I'm thinking they could probably get their own cock That's wrong my head You could probably bend a little bit you could put a baby's cock in his mouth

I don't know if he wants it. Can you guys self you guys can't self-suck. Can you self-suck? You know, I got it one time. I did it. I did it one time. I got it. Really? Yeah when I was like around that it Yeah, I'm jealous 13 or 14. It's easier before you like grow taller. Yeah, it was before the growth spurt Yeah, I was maybe like 5'1". Really? How long did you have it in your mouth for? Just a couple seconds. I didn't come in my mouth. It's weird. It's really weird to have a cock in your mouth. You do it and then you're like this is gonna be great and you're like, oh, I just have a dick in my mouth. Yeah, exactly It feels really weird. It doesn't feel it feels way more like you're sucking dick than you're getting your dick suck, right?

Yeah, and this is gonna sound like a joke, but there was something like oddly familiar about it that was triggering for us. I mean, I don't I don't believe it repressed me. I wonder. God damn dude. Wow. These shit rules. Nick was just so molested. He was so molested. He was so down and raped by a fucking comedian and a and a carpenter and they just all took turns. Nick was raped by a clown. Like it just completely makes his behavior completely makes sense.

Why are you documenting me being raped? Oh, fuck. So yeah, so you've you sucked cock as a baby. Well, my own. Oh, maybe it was from TV. I was folded up. Yeah, that's what's familiar about it. I was folded up. Mm-hmm. It's like with my armadillo-like defense mechanism. It's really amazing what armadillos can do. Yeah, incredible. If you see a video of that. Mm-hmm. Amazing. They just turned into a basketball. Yeah, I don't know where. It would be cool if you could roll up like that was your power to roll up and start sucking your own dick. You're covered in armor.

Just a wheel going through the streets. It's a guy inside, coming in his own mouth. That's why it's the state animal of Texas. Texans love self-sufficiency. I thought it was Arkansas. There's nothing that embodies the independent Texas spirit more than a man bending over and sucking his own dick in the middle of the desert and defiance of government and God. And he can make up his own currencies. Oh, fuck. So, were you- now the way you sucked your own cocks, was it the reverse

where you're on your back and you put your legs- Yeah, you throw your legs over. You throw your legs over. This is a way to your legs to push your hips towards your face. I was never even close, unfortunately. I was limber, though. Well, you weren't able to tie your shoes until three months ago. Get off your phone, Adam. I have to send those. No, you don't. Get the fuck off your phone. First of all, you're using my wire without permission.

I didn't say you could fucking charge your phone with my wire. That's fucked up, man. You're stealing man's electricity. Yeah, I'm going to charge you for that electricity, by the way. That's pretty roll reversal there. Now he knows how it feels. It's so funny. That's the only way they're going to learn. It's so funny. Ovens didn't work. It's time for usury. It's so funny that you guys use the stereotypes on me when I'm bad at money.

I'm bad at paying taxes. I'm not that cheap. I waste money on- Are you wasting money all the time? Is this for us or is this for the audience? It's not for the audience at all. It's for the audience that comes at you with value city coupons and your dams. I would take some value city coupons. I used to love that coupon book. I was a kid. I would look through it and pretend I was going to go to that. I'm going to get Anderson Windows.

Look at all the money I could save. On insulation. Alright, add Windows salesman to the list of guys from molester nick. Did you have to sell those for school? I'm at a remake of rear window and it's a guy with a broken leg and he's looking out the window and then he sees a boy being molested across the street and he just starts jacking. Aw, boy. Aw, jeez.

I'm the luckiest man in the world. That was good, son. Fuck that little fracket. That's some of your Jimmy Stewart's coming along. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, it's about time I got a voice. Not bad. You got something. It's just seeing everyone do horrible Jimmy Stewart's. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good one. My cock shocked. It's one of the easiest impressions. It's like walking or Schwarzenegger. It's easy. There's a boy across the street. He's got a dick in his mouth. Aw, jeez.

I just couldn't help myself. He calls the guy, the guy comes over with the boy. What the fuck? Would you mind fucking him a little harder? You see the rear window remake where... Shia? Shia LaBeouf. No.

The one with Christopher Reeves. Oh. Like right after his accident they remade for your window. No. Yeah, dude. Was that like him trying to be like, he's like, I can still act. And there's one very specific role. Yeah.

I mean, he can play that guy or like whatever the fuck happened to Darth Vader in between like that fire. They put him in the suit. They made that Star Wars then. Star Wars where they just change his bandages the whole time. I'm Darth Vader now. He can't even speak. That's all he is anymore was a voice.

Yeah. But they would have to dub over it, but James Earl Jones. Yep, yep. They should do all the Christopher Reeves movies. They should remember that rear window. But yeah, Tim and his fucking, his like motorized wheelchair and, you know, there's a murder record. We should actually watch it.

It's like very sad. It's like sad to watch. I don't want to watch it. Yeah, let's do it, guys. Poor guy, dude. He just fucking got got by a horse, dude. I should suck. Wow, that's, come on.

I mean... That's a rich guy. That's a rich guy way to get fucked up. Like Sonny Bono. He got his skiing. Yeah, yeah. That's true. I mean, what happened?

The horses just kicked him off? Yeah, but skiing is like... He's playing polo. Well, hold on. Skiing is like, that's just him. This is like Christopher Walken or Christopher Reeves on top of a fucking horse that doesn't want to be jumping over these fences. The horse gets fucked up.

I don't think it was show jumping. I think it was polo. Well, whatever. I mean, I have less sympathy for... Nick loves animals. Sounds like a... I don't love animals. In fact, I hate animals.

That's not true. I would kill... You love them, bitch. I would bind, torture, and kill any animal. That was BTK. BTK was like the last serial killer with a cool name. I remember there was like a couple years ago, there was a guy, and I saw it, I think on local news where they were like, and the police have emerging details about the man they're

calling the East Coast Rapist. I was like, you gotta put more effort into it. The East Coast Rapist. The outside pussy fucker. Yeah, yeah. He fucks all his women outside. And new details are emerging about the guy that fucks children. A serial rapist known as the man who comes inside children.

Oh, fuck. Fuck. Oh, oh. So he was playing polo? That shit sucks, dude. Polo sucks. Was Christopher Reeve a good actor? I'll remember it.

Superman. That's all I know him from. Was he ever good at shit? I don't know. He was also in Smallville as another handicap guy. Smallville, hell yeah, dude. Lana Lang or whatever. Not Lois Lane.

Hi, Clark Kent. Are you from Smallville? Cause you got a small dick. And then he like beats that guy up. Yeah. Everyone play the bully on that show. Rips his cock. I want to be sure.

She was pretty hot that girl that played Lana Lang. Dude, hell yeah. What was up with her? Half Asian. Kind of Chinese. Yeah, the good kind. Feeling kind of Chinese. That's my jazz album.

Where I only play the black keys on the keyboard. That's the trick. If you want to play any Chinese song, just play the black keys on the keyboard. I can do that one song where you just play with your knuckles on the black keys. That song. Yeah, that one. Is that called Chopsticks? No, Chopsticks is a different song.

It feels like it should be. It feels like that one should be called Chopsticks, you know? Yeah. Why are we confusing us? Yeah, what is that song? Why did it become synonymous with any time a movie scene transitions to Asia? Yeah. Yeah.

Because of great ass sketch comedy. The gong sound. Well, so you guys only, now I think we abandoned the sucking your own dick conversation a little too early. Once? Yeah, I did it once and I just got really like just the tip really. I couldn't go all the way. Did you finish beating off after you sucked your own cock or would you like I need a second?

Yeah, like Nick said, it felt less pleasurable on the dick than it felt like I was sucking a dick, you know? Now would you suck a dick? No, I mean I don't plan on it. Come on. But you know that whole like conversation. Why not? Why not?

I talked about like, you know, like when guys are like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A million dollars. For a million dollars, yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Nick's showing me a picture of that lady with the giant ass on it, like the medically giant ass. Why does she have an ass that big?

Shut up, dude. This doesn't concern you. This is about, this is a real men's conversation. This is Puerto Rican afro-rallitle snakes. Yeah. It is funny that it is like incredibly attractive. What, big asses? No, this woman's disability.

Yeah, yeah. She's going to be in a wheelchair by the time she's fucking 30. What does she have? How do you find pants for that? Very carefully. You know what I'm talking about? You guys know? Yeah, I got you.

So yeah, just for the listener at home, there's this Instagram lady that Nick's a fan of whose ass is because of some sort of medical malady, the biggest ass of all time. Yeah, dude. And she's got a 70-inch ass. And from the waist up, she's pretty hot. Yeah. But yeah, she has a cartoonishly large ass. I'm going to say something that's too big.

Oh, my God. I can't, I can't, I just, it's... How could you... Does she have a tattoo on there? Is that a tattoo? Adam's not going to do it. Adam's into women that... Oh.

It looks like she's just laying a sack of dough down. Yeah. I know this is kind of too visual for the audience. But we're just going to keep looking at pictures. Yeah, I'm just going to... Once you get sucked in, I try to get out and I get sucked right back in to the world of... Yeah. Instagram pogs.

You know the pogs, right? Oh, yeah. Fat ass white girl, dude. Yeah. One of the best porn categories. Absolutely. I love it so much. Hand sound.

Yeah, pog, baby. P-A-W-G-S. Yeah. Pogs? Adam doesn't know about it. Yeah. I know about BBWs. No.

Don't tell him. He's not included in the conversation. You've never beat off the pogs, have you? Like girls with big asses? No. Fat ass white girls, man. Pogs. It's a whole other category.

What? Are they fucking black guys in it? No. No. Racist? You come on, dude. So why are they identified as fat ass white girls? We're part of...

It's hot, then you understand. Geez, Lewis. I mean, look, sometimes, yes, they will fuck black guys. I would say it's 50-50. Most of the time, there's no fucking. It's not hardcore. It's mostly softcore. But it's like twerking videos by...

Oh, no. I see. I mean, they do have fucking videos. Yeah. But like the pog stars are like... Right. Yeah. They do like twerking.

They get popular doing twerking videos. And, you know, a lot of them have medical disabilities like this woman here. What is it called that makes your ass that big? Diabetes. What is the name of it? Yeah. Well, it's a combination of, like, some people just have... Huge ass.

Yeah. Some women just deposit more fat in their ass for starters. And then on top of that, she does have, like, some kind of lymph buildup, it looks like. It's just fucking tumor. Like, tumorous tissue. Like, just fucking... She's got cancer. She's got...

She's got two perfectly round ass fucking tumors. What do you think weighs more? Her ass? Oh, my God. Or me? Her ass, for sure. Sure. You think her ass weighs more than...

Yeah, probably. 140 pounds? Oh, this woman probably weighs, like, 240 pounds. Nice. And do you think she weighs 140 in the ass? Yes. 141, to be exact. Adam, you weigh what?

Like, 92 pounds? You really weigh a whole 140? That's too much, dude. You think I weigh less? You got fat, dude. What the fuck happened? You're 140 pounds now? You're ugly, dude.

You let yourself go. You gotta get thin. I lied on my driver's license up on weight. What'd you put? 150? 140. I was not 140 at the time. You lied to 140?

I lied up. I legitimately don't know the last of my weight. To feel like more of a man. I don't remember when I weighed 140 pounds. Like, I think it might have been third grade. I'm not even kidding. Really? Dude, yeah.

I weigh 260 right now. Dude, I've gone through periods where I drink, like, two shakes, like, muscle milks, like, a day, go to the gym every single day, and the highest I've ever gotten is 145. Really? Yeah, but that's because you're eating a bunch of what? You said, oh, I drink two protein shakes a day, and all this bullshit supplement stuff. Yeah, and Chipotle burrito for lunch every day. That's still only, like, 3,000 calories.

I mean, all I'm saying is I can't put weight on just from eating. I could put it on from weight training. But the most I've ever gotten to is 145. That's just water retention, then. Probably. We should see if you can gain weight faster, and I can lose it. Yeah, that's important. I can make you gain weight.

How? I will put you on a diet, I guarantee you. And I know this is Lewis's thing, but Lewis has moved on to fidget spinners now, which, at first, I thought was a joke, but that seems to be 100% sincere. Lewis has lost a lot of weight, too. He looks good. I was gone for three months, and he got AIDS and autism in a fucking three-month span. When we did his podcast, I told him he was looking good.

Yeah. The fidget spinner is tough, though. What is he doing? What do you mean? He brings it on stage? He's posting tricks of him doing fidget spinner stuff, which is like... It's couched in a little bit of a tongue-in-cheek sort of thing, but you know that means that he's been into these things for months.

He's practicing. He's practicing them. He's got a whole collection of them. He flips them from hand to hand and shit. He won't let his son play with them because he's practicing his tricks. It's like... My dad did that with Super Nintendo. He got really into Super Mario World.

He's like, I feel like, yo, can I play? He's like, just let me die one more time. I was like, are you fucking for real? That sounds really cool, man. Yeah, that sounds cool. Grown-ass man taking a little boys' game. Yeah. My dad was out. Adam, you're not allowed to play anymore.

My dad was out. He's like, stay up at night trying to be Mario. My dad was out. Go back to your room for being gay. It's him. You're gay. You're gay now, Adam. I'm Mario, and you're gay as Luigi.

You're gay. You can play as Luigi because you're gay. Luigi's like gay. Luigi fucks. Luigi fucks. Dude, Luigi can jump higher. You got like a Waluigi vibe. A Waluigi vibe.

Yeah, you're Waluigi. You're Waluigi. He's Wario. Absolutely. I don't have a mustache, though. Get one. I don't have one either. Yeah, you can't grow one.

I can't really grow one. I don't have one either. But it's about spiritually. I'm definitely Waluigi. Stop with a mustache. Looks really funny. I'm fucking Double Dragon, dude. I'm both of them.

You're the Toads. You're the Battle Toads. You're the gay ass little frogs. First of all, Battle Toads are not gay. You're the shark ones. What were those? Street Sharks. Street Sharks.

I'll take the game. Street Sharks is too cool. You're not Street Sharks. I am Street Sharks. No, fuck you. Shut up, you fucking Wario bitch. I'm TMNT, dude. No, I'm not.

You're fucking Waluigi. I'm Waluigi. We already moved on from you. I'm Mikey. I'm a party animal. I'm a wisecracker. I like pizza, and I use nunchucks. I'm Raphael, then.

Raphael, because you got a bad attitude. I'm bad, dude. I'm Casey. Who's that? The friend. The friend who fucks April? Yeah, the friend who fucks April. Damn, that's the best one.

That's right. Fuck. You're definitely not Double Dragon or Street Sharks. What's a gay video game? You're that. Yeah, dude. You're Dr. Mario. Do you remember how much Dr. Mario sucked?

Dude, fuck Dr. Mario. What was that game? I don't know. I was so excited. I tried playing it one time, and I was like, I think this is trying to make me learn. Yeah, it felt that way. I don't know. It was boring, and it's vaguely educational.

It was a much more little dick version of Candy Crush. It felt like one of those puzzle games. I honestly have never understood it, and I never will. I had Mario Paint, which is like, you got a mouse for it. Oh, yeah, I had that, too. You could compose songs on it, and you could make drawings and stuff, but the thing that was shitty was you couldn't keep the drawing. There was no way of printing them out or anything like that.

Yeah, that's true. There was a painting thing on the Wii, and when you beat a game, it would give you a picture of the game, or whatever, and I got really good at drawing dicks, like photo-realistic dicks, and that. Because a lot of people don't know that I am actually a- You're not a bad artist. I'm not bad. Okay, our teacher also fucked him when he was a baby.

Dude, you just got fucking gamed, man. The list is good, dude. Yeah, just a bunch of guys waiting. No, but I had one where I had this massive hog on the Ouija where he's getting a thumbs up. Did you save it? Yeah, I did, but it was on a Wii that I got sold or fucking- I want to see that something.

Dude, the Wii sucks. It doesn't even have HD, right? Well, no, the Wii is good, because you can pirate games real easy. You can play all the Super NES games. No, but you can play all the Wii games. You can play all the Wii and GameCube games. It's like exploits where you put on an SD card. Really?

Yeah. You put this thing- You got to get one. Yeah, if you'd like to see how to soft-mod a Wii, you just put an SD card in it and then it'll- Like, it does something. I want to play fucking Gundam Robo. You guys ever fuck with that shit?

I've been playing Metroid Prime because we have- Metroid Prime's a great game. Dude, it's too hard. I'm not good enough at video games. Samus is sexy, dude. Yeah, I know. Samus could get the dick piece. Wait, do you have the GameCube controller?

I have no. I have the- Oh. Because it was a GameCube game. Yeah, no, actually, yes. I have a GameCube controller. That was probably like one of five good GameCube games. It was a-

Yeah, it was a really good game. Yeah, I have the GameCube. It like attaches to the remote, the Wii remote. Yeah. Oh, the- The- Yeah, the- The one that looks like an SNES controller.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah, that game was good as shit. Dude, no. What's the- I can't remember the fucking- No, it was Custom Robo, I think, that I played.

I bet you it was cool, you built your own robot and you fucking fought other robots and shit. No, I don't know that. Yeah, blasters and shit. I think that's what it was called. Fuck, it was good as hell, dude. I tried to buy it again, it's like off the internet, it's like $80 for the fucking disc. Yeah. Because your boy got a GameCube at home.

Oh, do you? Yeah. Shit, we should play GameCube. We should play GameCube, come over. Well, Amber has a Wii. I want to- Now, like I was saying- Let's play Smash, dude.

She doesn't have any of the wires for it. Oh. I don't know, but there's just a Wii with none of the wires. Do we steal it? Well, I could hook that shit up once my console comes and I can have a shelf shelving for all my electronics. My man out here, Nicky Mullen, out here getting shelves and shit. Yeah, I love shelves.

And subwoofers. Yeah, I did subwoofers. Subwoofers. I bought a shoe rack today. Did you? A shoe rack and some fucking- some wrinkle spray. You ever fuck with that? You ain't ever got to do fucking ironing.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know what you're talking about. You stretch, you spray and stretch. Yeah, bitch. That's really cool. Like what I do to your ass? You spray and then stretch? No, it's other way around. Stretch and spit.

Stretch and then spray. Stretch and spit. Spit, stretch, spray. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there another Star Wars movie coming out soon? Yes, in December. Rogue One was so good. You liked it?

I thought it was great. I liked it, but I think it was good. I thought it was so much better than Force Awakens. It was much better than Force Awakens. Force Awakens sucked my dick. It's the follow-up to Force Awakens is coming out. I thought the end of- yeah, that's a good one, dude. Again, we'll watch those Instagram models.

The end was cool as shit, where they all suck each other's cocks. No, I didn't want to spoil it. I hate spoilers. Even though we're well in our whatever to spoil, it's been a year. Yeah, they got the new one coming out with Luke Skywalker, dude. Yeah, he's just been standing on that island. Beating off. Yeah, I can't beat off.

They can't beat off. Hands free. That sucks. Yeah. Well, they disappear when they come. They disappear when they come. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, you know how-

Suck me off, and I will become more powerful than you've ever imagined. It's like how Darth- Luke is just watching as Darth Vader fucking sucks him off across the room. He's like, Ben! Ben! And then he just, the robe collapses. A little mouth, a little glory hole appears on his mask. It just opens up.

He's so good at sucking bacon. No, no, he's just like super head. He uses the sith choke to jack guys off. Yeah, that's a good- Yeah, that's good. Yeah, yeah. You fucked my father! I am your father, and I'm gay.

No! He uses the lightsaber to cut Luke Skywalker's dick off. He's hanging by his thigh, his hard cock. No, he's hanging by his hand, but he still reaches down, cuts his dick off with the lightsaber. No! Oh, yeah. And then the next movie starts with him getting his dick made by a robot. That's cool, dude.

Oh, dude, I want a robot dick. If you could have one robot part of your body, what would it be? His dick is 222. Jack's arms? Jack's arms. That's good. Yeah. Oh, one robot part.

One robot part. But he picked two. Yeah, you're right. But it's like one piece. Shut the fuck up, dude. There's two. It connects. You said arms.

That's plural. Why are you so fucking bad at all of these hypotheticals? Every single fucking time. All right, ask me again. No, you already blew it. All right, ask me again. It's not fun anymore. Ask me again, dude.

Please. Nick, what would you like? A laser eye. Oh, fuck, yes. That would be cool. Yes, dude. Ask me again. I would probably legitimately do Robocock.

Ask me again. You know what? No, I want one foot to be bionic so I can jump high as shit and dunk. That would be pretty cool. And then you land on the other foot and it breaks. It just shatters. Immediately your shin bone goes up to your chin. Well, so that's the end of that hypothetical.

Ask me again. What else do you guys want to talk about? Ask me again. You're so bad at these, dude. Just one more time. We're like, okay, let's all name our favorite movie. And Adam's like all of the Cassavetes movies. I've only seen like two.

Yeah, but you don't understand how favorite works. All right. If I could have one robot body part. Two laser eyes. You motherfucker. You fucking cocksucker. Sorry, dude. Dude, what the fuck?

I'm sorry, boys. I'm sorry, boys. I'm sorry, boys. Take a breather, dude. You're on time out. All right. I'll take two minutes off. I bet Adam should be like a robot prostate that can eliminate the HIV virus entering

his body. Yeah, it's a little sieve that gets out all the HIV out of the cup. A little droid prostate that sits in his ass. And it's like, what's going on here? You're not cleared for entry. It's like a little gold prospector. But it's eight. It might still be on time out.

Yeah, it just gets fucking his ass. And then you just hear like, and then he's like, R2. R2. Come on. It's R2D2 prostate. How long is two minutes? You still got like 90 more seconds. He's got, he's got, it's like projecting holograms of Princess Leia out of his asshole.

You have to help us, Obi-Wan Kenobi. There's too much AIDS in this boy's ass. Oh boy. So what's today, Memorial Day? Yeah, this is Memorial Day and we need to represent. Shout out to the troops. Shout out to me. I am a Navy SEAL.

Really? Yep. I'm thinking about joining the Marines. I think I should join the Marines. I think you should join the Navy SEALs like me. SEAL Team Six. SEAL Team Six. I'm actually, I was Delta Force first.

And then I switched to SEAL Team. SEAL Team. Delta Force is Army. Yeah. And then SEAL Team Six is Navy. Yeah, that's the Navy's guys. The Navy's Big Dick gentlemen. Probably be Israeli Army.

The Hadesit? The Krav Maga. Why would you be the Israeli Army? I said it as a joke. Oh, because you like to oppress Palestinians? No, I don't. Is that the reason? Have you talked on the podcast about the time that you threw rocks back at those Palestinian boys while you were in Israel?

Right after you did that trip to DC to lobby for Israel, you then went over to Israel. No, I'm... I polished up some nice rocks. I'm anti-Israel. I'm more into being a social justice warrior these days. Do you remember that story you told about when you serviced yourself on an entire transporter crate filled with Palestinian boys? I think that was off-mic. Yeah.

I don't think it was when we were getting lunch. He mentioned that. That was a plot of transporter, right? There was one of those big cargo. This is like Captain Phillips, right? Yeah. But the pirate is Adam. And he's like, tell me these are filled with Asian women.

He takes her with a boat. Captain. Captain Phillips is like, what's going on here? I'm sully. It's me, Captain sully. Yeah. Good times. Good times, man.

Good times, noodle salad. What's that from? It's a line from, as good as it gets. Ah, we love that. Good times, noodle salad. Yeah, that's, wait, is that Jack Nicholson fucking Amanda Pete? Is that right? No, it's Jack Nicholson fucking Helen Hunt.

Helen Hunt. There's another one called Something's Got a Gift. That's the one I'm thinking of. Yeah, where he fucks Diane Keaton. Diane Keaton, but first he fucks her daughter, right? Something like that. I don't know. I mean, it's easy to confuse those two movies and only one of them is good.

Is it the one with Helen Hunt? No. Yes. Fucking as good as it gets. Yeah, as good as it gets. Is there a gay guy? That was like nominated for it. Yeah.

Nice. Yeah. Yeah, Cuba Gooding is gay in that. What's that? What's that line? I think it's Snow Dogs. You guys, you guys. Carol the Waitress meets Simon the Fag.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I like to interpret that character as cool. Yeah. He's a cool guy. He's fucking agree with all of his opinions and his attitude. Fucking. Is he done acting?

Yeah. He's got like Alzheimer's. He got Alzheimer's. My man's brain is fucking potato jack. Yeah. Yeah. His shit's full of Swiss cheese. I hope you didn't forget how to fuck.

Dude. Nah, some things are in there. His his fucking cortex, it's right in the spine. Oh, yeah. The brain. That's the last part to go. The last part to go. He'll be, you know how dogs sometimes run in their sleep.

He'll be pussy in his sleep. He still goes to Laker games. He was at the last Kobe game. I mean, I guess that was a year ago. It was a year ago. Have you seen him this year? Probably not. No.

He looks bad. Well, the team sucks dick. The Lakers suck. They're building. And Lonzo's going to suck dick, too. They're building towards a future. It's like a fucked up shot. It looks like ugly ass Drake.

It's a little janky. He looks like Drake. Lonzo looks like Drake with Down syndrome. What do you think about the Lonzo Levar Ball type thing? They both sound like fags to me. That's why I don't go to the games anymore. There's too many queers playing. Don't you remember the old days when they used to wear very tiny shorts and sometimes

you'd get a peek at somebody's pecker? Those were the days, Jack. The good old days, Jack. That's the facts, Jack. Yeah. That man fucked. Who do you think fucked the most? Apparently he fucked so much that he, like, in his late life, he was a pretty lonely guy.

Because his only friend, I think, was Harry Dean Stanton. And he fucked his wife. Then he fucked Harry Dean Stanton. Harry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Can't you give me a second chance? What's that line in Departed where he's like... Where he goes, who are?

No. Who are? Who are? Ah, Charlie. The scent of a woman. What are you talking about? My upper lip? I've smelled every type of bitch there is.

You know what? I don't think that kind of guy says bitch. I think he calls women like... Broads. Broads. Yes, yes, yes. Dames. Absolutely.

He calls them... She's a beautiful woman. He cuts to the chase and just calls women holes. Hole. Yeah. Yeah, that is a very vulgar. That one feels so much worse than like Kant or any of them. No, yeah.

I think Kant is a lot more vulgar. You know what? That was my favorite Shia LaBeouf movie before I saw it. What a let down. It's Shia LaBeouf gaping. They should call it false advertising. That's good. That's good.

Some good shit, baby. Shia really, you know, he had a nice... He could have had it all, dude. I call them vagina LaBeouf. Why were the alt-right guys so obsessed with that thing, that alt... That Shia was doing? That installation thing? Because it's funny to fuck with Shia LaBeouf.

But why in particular were like the alt-right guys? Because it's like a 4chan thing to fuck with Shia LaBeouf. Oh, they fuck with them all? So it kind of like beautifully meshed their political beliefs and one of their favorite trolls. Yeah, he's an easy target and he's like obviously full of shit. Yeah, completely. Which is...

What's interesting about him is like... His behavior seems like it's driven by like some sort of insecurity about having been like a Disney star or whatever. He's got a fucking chip on his shoulder. Of course. About how he was interpreted throughout his adolescence. We talked about it but that first details magazine where he was like striking out into adulthood

trying to be this like Hollywood fucking James Dean. It was always weird. Those years were weird as shit. And the harder you try to be cool, the more of a fucking laughing stock you are. And now it's all this weird fucking art stuff that really happened after he was caught plagiarizing from that graphic novel or whatever it was. But I feel like Franco is sort of on that wave too.

No, Franco is fine. People don't fuck with him. Again, he's like a guy that has some of the same impulses. Well, he thinks of himself as conceptual artists. Yeah, right. Well, he thinks of himself as like smarter than he is which is fine when you're like a fucking millionaire. But the extent of that is him like taking classes at Columbia

and writing shitty book reports and fights. Shia's behavior is like... It's like Kanye, where there's something that's kind of off. And if this was somebody you cared about, you would like try to get them help. But what's interesting is that he does all his bullshit performance art but he's like a very talented actor. He's a good actor, yeah. I think he's good, yeah.

He's a really good actor. Did you see Nymphomaniac? No. He wasn't bad. Eagle Eye. Yeah, even in movies that suck, he's good. He's not bad, yeah. Like what made Indiana Jones bad was not him.

No, it was just a terrible movie. He hits his marks. I fuck with him, I do. Yeah. Didn't he do that art thing where he wasn't going to move and some girl sucked his dick or something? Yeah, he got raped. Shit's wild, dude.

Yeah, he did another thing where he watched... I heard that. I laughed myself to sleep. I felt raped when I saw that movie. They had no holes in it. Jack. Jack, great to have you. Jack, what's the best muff you've ever smelled?

Oh, boy. Your mom. What the fuck, Jack? Jack. I'll see you, Jack. Bye, Jack. Oh, I think my downstairs neighbors... My downstairs neighbor had a gay dude.

He was screaming at his boyfriend. I think they fought each other, like fist fought. That's like... I'm always down with some DV when it's same sex. Exactly. Is that allowed? Are you allowed to cheer for that feeling? Yeah, it's not like you're beating a woman.

Wait, hold on. Are they the same race? Yes. Okay. Is one of them deaf? Nope. Disabled in any way? Nope.

Fair game. Fair game. That's cool, right? Because looking at fights is fun. There was a thrill when I heard that, because first of all, that guy sucks. Is there more domestic violence in the gay community? It's like a very progressive thing where we host fights,

where we make gay people fight for us. I like it. We put them in a cage and make them beat the shit out of each other. To prove that it's okay. I love it. Sort of like a gay kumite. That would literally be Lewis' idea of being tolerant. Yeah, dude, you fucking make them fight to the death.

No, all the money goes to age research. I think you're allowed to fight if it's the bottom fighting the top. No, no, it's weight classes, dude. They got to be in a similar weight class. It has to be weight class. Yeah, it can't be one guy that's way bigger than the other. And look, if one is real tiny and does... You know what I mean?

If one is clearly outmatched, it's not as cool. But these guys are about the same size, dude. I think that's just a fair game, awesome fight. Because usually when people throw fist fights, they're in great shape. And usually when people throw fist... Even UFC guys, there's not that much passion. You very rarely see sexual passion in the form of fisticuffs. I think that's another reason for gay UFC.

Gay UFC, dude. The more I hear about it, the more this becomes a great idea. We got to get Lewis on Comtown. Lewis with you. With ten fidget spinners. Who's ready to rumble? We got ten gay dudes. The winner gets a fidget spinner.

Wait, was it you, Nick, that was saying that there were fidget spinners for executives? Oh, no, yes. The heads of state. Somebody tweeted it. Yeah, somebody tweeted this reddit. Fuck, I would like to give credit to whoever fucking found it. I wish I could remember who found it. Maybe it was CJ or something.

Let us know, we'll give you retroactive credit. No, wait, it was Et Tiny Baby, I think. I mean, he usually has pretty good reddit polls. But it was... Yeah, it was like the top post was... So we all have autism, question mark, exclamation point. And then somebody responded like, I'm tired of this attitude. There are some fidget spinners that cost more than $300 that are designed for executives and presidents.

It's like, would you call somebody autistic for driving a Mercedes Benz? For executives. First of all, that's literally the only president that would be our president. Wow, look at that executive with this $350 fidget spinner and his $400 Mercedes Benz. I wonder if that man's gonna be president someday. Potentially. We have to get the most expensive fidget spinners now. It's also like, sometimes CEOs have autism.

It's like, would you call a guy with a Mercedes Benz autistic? Like, yeah, if he was autistic, if he was driving around the Mercedes Benz playing with a fidget spinner, then yes, I would call him that. In fact, I would make a point too, just fuck him for having that car. Absolutely. They don't deserve those kind of riches. They don't. They don't have the brain developed enough to enjoy them.

The thing is, they got a mentally retarded brain. It's something I learned about them. They don't taste sweets. You know what I mean? You can't, everything's sour today. They, you know, when they hear a song, they're like, they get itchy and they're bothersome. You see their behavior, there's one of them that rides a bus around town for free. It gives me the willies.

They say it's real good at math, but who the fuck likes math? See, I don't believe that shit either. I don't think they know math. Yeah. They like to pretend, you know, they know, they got to tap into your brain. They, a different wavelength. Basically, my theory is, you know, the doctor says, you, your son's going to have, you know, autism. One simple solution.

You take a power drill, put it in the top of the skull, fill the hole with acid. LSD? No, with chemicals. Oh, like, oh, kill him. You steal him from, yeah, kill him. Well, painfully. That way you make sure the next kid you have fucking knows better. You drill it, you give his brain room to expand.

There's two fucking, yeah, you're trapping them. I think they got that little retard brain. You put a couple chicken livers on top of his brain and it fucking fuses. To get liver in his brain. Yeah, meat. These meat is brain brain. What do you think brain is? You think brain is fucking muscles?

It is. No, it's fucking meat. It's the most powerful muscle. I got a fucking muscle for you, pal. What? This fucking salad. What's a salad? Oh, my God.

Salish? What is a salad? Salish. My fucking bazon. The Italian guy. My fucking big Italian. The Italian guy that doesn't even know the made up Italian words that other Italian Americans came up with.

My fucking rocosti. My fucking disarice. Like, hey. A bagadillion. Don't you mean another thing we made up that doesn't, isn't actually Italian? Like a brazol. Brazol is one. Like a brazol.

Oh, man. That's good. Oh, that's a good guy. Man, I fucking wish we had actually seen Alien Covenant. Yeah, Kenny Powers isn't it. He was fucked up. I feel like it's going to suck. I heard it's bad.

Shut the fuck up. It's good. Don't ruin it for us. I heard Kenny Powers is the only good part. No, that can't be true, dude. That's what I was told by someone that saw it. Like out there trying to look fucking serious. I'm trying to hear him talk about titties, dude.

He killed an alien and said, you're fucking out. Kenny Powers rules. You know what sucks is like I stopped stealing movies. And I just, I actually rent movies now. Yeah, because you're in the media now. Well, it's insane that I would actually do that, you know. A couple years ago it's like who would buy movies. Yeah, that's wild.

But now new shit comes out and like, I don't want to watch it because it's going to look like shit. You get used to the higher quality of movies. Yeah, you're spoiled. Yeah, I'll only download something if it's like a Blu-ray or 720 at least. I do laser disc. You do. I want to get, well, you know, laser disc, you say that jokingly, but laser disc is an

analog signal. It's the good shit. Yeah. It's like a record. Yeah, well they continued making laser discs in Japan until like five years ago. Also a laser disc sale. A laser disc salesman rape snake. For sure.

It's higher, it's higher fidelity. People like lasers. What was on laser disc? Everything? Yeah, it was like movies and shit. Just everything. Was it a bad format? Yeah, it was a bad format because it was enormous.

And you had to scan barcodes or something? What was the deal with that? Maybe that was, I don't know. I think you're thinking of DIVX. DIVX. Remember that? Yeah, maybe. Yeah, DIVX is like a container now, but it used to be a subscription service.

There's like DVDs that were like five bucks. But then the DVD player connected to a, like it had like a dial-up dial-up dial-up. They used them at school, right? My friend's dad had it. Yeah. And I remember him like, specifically he bought all of those, I think, because he knew it would go out of business. Right.

Because once it goes out of business, it's like you just keep them, you know, because I can't tell them. Smart. Like, yeah, it connects to like a dial-up modem, and then you pay a subscription to watch the movie again. Oh, shit! That's that, like, proto-Netflix shit. Kinda.

Yeah. Did you know there's like a Trump, like, subscription box service now, like the safety pin box? What? Yeah. What do you get? I don't know. I got to look into it. Wait, really?

Yeah. You just fucking around. You get the hat and you get like the... Yeah, but they send you merchandise. Yeah. Trump Presidency merchandise. Oh, he's so funny. And he's selling it?

Yeah, I think so, from the White House. That just cannot be legal. I'm sure it's illegal, but... Yeah. Who cares? You can't stop him. It's so funny, is that... In fact, I kind of want a president that does illegal stuff, you know what I mean?

Well, I think we... That's what I really have one. That's what I really have one. Yeah. I get it. I get it. You went to history class. Yeah, I did.

Dude, APUS History. Oh, I took APUS History too. Dude, would you get five? Five, baby. Yeah. Hell yeah, five boys on our AP class. Yeah, I remember that. I got a four on AP Lit, though.

AP... Yeah, I did well in all the social science APs. AP... Or as I like to call it, AP Clit. Hell yeah. That's Pussy Clit. Nice. I would have let you into my college.

But I could not do math. I'm dumb as hell with math. Yeah, I took Calc and I got a three. Yeah. Fuck Calc. I had... My Calc teacher was this awesome lesbian, Miss Richardson, and she fucking just liked me, and she called me Fat Daddy, and I never had to do any work, and she just let me pass

for no reason. She came to our Bahamas trip and just got stung. She was our... So we went to like a fucking senior trip to the Bahamas, which sucked dick. I thought it was going to be awesome, and I saved all this money working at a machine shop, and I went on this trip, and I got sun poisoning one night. So it's like that movie, The Machinist, except instead of getting really thin. I got fat for the role, and I've never been able to...

I used to be fucking fat. I remember that story Thomas told us about that girl that said she gained 200 pounds for a role. No. I mean, he said he went down... He met some girl from Tinder who was like, yeah. She was like much thinner in her pictures, and he met up with her, and she was like, yeah, well, I'm an actress, and I had to gain 200 pounds for a role.

She was like, that's untrue. Are they rebooting precious? Some Craigslist movie? Yeah. We were like, yeah. Well, fat people don't exist, so we need to use specifically. What's that kind of porn where you have to force feed people, or is it like a fetish thing? Feeder.

Feeders? Yeah. Where you feed people, and it's becoming like 900 pounds? By the way, hey, if there's any ladies who are feeders. Don't die. Motherfucker, I just brought you Animal Crackers, the EL Fudge Cookies. You can be a feeder, but it's got to be Paleo. Your boy's a Paleo warrior right now.

It's no carbs, fucking meat. Is that like a Sernevich, like a Paleo guy? I don't know. I also don't believe that there weren't fat cavemen. Oh, damn true. I don't know. They had to walk a lot more. There's probably one fat caveman.

I don't think that we invented being lazy as shit. There had to have been one piece of shit caveman that was like, no, you guys just do it. Yeah, but he probably got got by like Saber-toothed Tigers, T-Rexes, and Pterodactyls. He stayed in the cave. Pterodactyls. Yeah, but chief is a lazy guy for sure. But he got to be lazy by murking out all, you know, people into like, you know, he got to the top of the pecking.

What do you think like politics came into play where you could, you weren't just the ruler because you could fuck everyone up? How early in that in caveman days? Ten thousand years after caveman. Yeah. So all cavemen had to be strong. Yeah. Cavemen were just like apes.

Yeah. But there could have been a fat, you've never seen a fat squirrel. And I understand people feed them. Yeah. But there could have been a magnanimous woolly mammoth that was feeding. What? Oh, really? Amber off mic is saying that Australopsocticicus took, what's that one?

The one right before Homo erectus? Yeah. Oh, they took care of disabled people. Interesting. Maybe they used, maybe they served their purpose in the tribe, you know. Yeah. Maybe they fucked the disabled. You know, they were Jewish cavemen.

We're there. Yeah. Are you talking about Nick Crow and the Geico cavemen sitcom? Yeah, exactly. On ABC. That's crazy they tried to make a sitcom out of that. They tried to make a Geico commercial into it. They made a TV show out of Crash Test Dummies.

Remember that? No. There was like a whole, the whole like thing. They turned Crash Test Dummies into this like forced, yeah, this like forced children's entertainment show. I do remember that. Those children's entertainment? Yeah.

Yeah. They're just screaming loud as shit when they crash. Fuck! I'm gonna fucking die! I fucking hate this shit! Man, fuck. Now I just had, I had an early 90s television flashback and I suddenly had a hankering for Pizza Hut.

Oh, hell yeah. Stop. You wanna get some Haley with Pizza Hut? I've been talking about Pizza Hut a lot recently. StuffCrossPizza? Have you ever been to a Pizza Hut restaurant? Of course. Yeah, because like an actual hut, you know, not delivery.

I've only done it once. I'll go this far. I never got Pizza Hut delivered because the delivery, the one that was in Dundalk, there was no one in Baltimore City proper. So we only went to Pizza Hut when we wanted to treat ourselves to a sit down pizza dinner. Yeah, I remember. Every other time it was Papa John's. I remember there was this weird Italian family that used to like dress up to go out to dinner

at like brokerage. That's so funny. That's so fucking poor bastard. Yeah, they did have a salad bar. And they had a lunch buffet, but I never, they never had that. Yeah, I would only go to Pizza Hut like Baltimore, I don't think. When I went bowling with my grandmother and my cousin. And there was a Pizza Hut near the bowling alley.

And you guys all would have sex in the Pizza Hut? And we would all have snow. Did you fuck your grandma while your cousin pegged you? Shut up. People are gonna DM me and say that my grandma and I had sex. They're gonna say mean things to me. No, but Nick's grandma did rape people in the apartheid. Yeah.

That is true. It is true. She did. DM me about it. DM him. See if I have a temper tantrum. I didn't. I never had a temper tantrum.

I dealt with it with grace. Grace. And style. That's true. You are a very graceful individual. Yeah, I am. I understand that. I got a new...

You like that play, that movie Black Swan? Yeah. That's you. I'm that black or white? The black one's like the bad one. I know it's about ballet. I know it's about ballet and I know there's rape involved. There's like an unhealthy mother-daughter thing.

I don't know if there's rape. That's close enough. Yeah, father-son. Damn. I was hoping I would nail it with the rape thing because that would have been a good analogy for you. But something with ballet is right on because he's got like gay ballet body. I got a question for you guys. Gay ballet body.

I got a question for you guys. Look at this boy with his gay ballet body. How are you going to have... My man doing plies. How are you going to have a black swan played by Natalie Pertman? Oh, wow. Now he's racist too. Wow, dude.

That was a blackfish. How are you going to have a black swan? How are you going to wear sandals? How are you going to go to bed? My man coming here wearing sandals. My man go to bed. Look, he got sandals on. The guy doesn't even have legs.

Oh, God, no. It's a woman with no legs. This man got sandals on right here. Look at, he laughing. I got a terrible text. What did it say? It's really bad news. Tell us.

My new girlfriend is doing a mic right now. Oh, an open mic? I got a breakup with her. That was you two years ago, dude. That was me six months ago. Six months ago? Until me and Stavros graciously elevated you to the world of podcasting. I appreciate it.

A couple of Kumiya alums. Yeah, dude. I've been in the Wiking Dead DC. Check out the lineas, dude. FDR. Fucking Howard Stern, Anthony Kumiya. Actually, I was in podcasting in DC. That's the history of American radio.

I was in podcasting in DC. Right there. I was in podcasting in DC, dude. I did podcasting. What did you podcast? I did that Wonderland on Fridays. Oh, my God. That horrific show.

Don't. What was that she called? Don't, don't. You mean damn it. Everybody hate, dude. I thought it was a good show. If you guys want to talk shit about it. I'm not talking shit.

You are. I just stated a fact that I used to do podcasting. You used to do it? Yeah, every week. It was a fun show. It was fun. He's like, you could do whatever you want. Yeah.

So I just do characters. That bit you did where you were a Burt. Yeah, that was the best one. That was so funny. Yeah, yeah. He did Burt from Burt and Ernie, but he didn't do the character at all. Brandon just interviewed him and he's like, so tell me about yourself. He's like, I'm Burt.

I'm yellow. That was a good bit. He just described Burt. That was it. I'm like, yellow. I have a friend, Ernie, that I live with. He's orange. Yeah, people think we're gay.

We're not gay, though. We're just homies. No, it's the same bed. He's got another friend named Robert Duckie. I'm not friends with him. Dana did it one time and she was like French and she was like spilling food all over herself. I didn't know that you could do bits. I just did it and I just stand up and it was a bad show.

Yeah, I would do stand up, too, because I'm a purist. Yeah, no, I used to do characters. Me and you were purists. Yeah, that's true. That's how we got on Kumiya. On Kumiya, yeah. They respect us. Yeah.

They respect our love of the game. Right. We're like tough crowd guys. That's us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know most of those guys are still alive. We're still doing comedy. Yeah, we see.

That was the original concept. That was the original concept for the Cumbos was that there would be like a leather jacket aspect to it. This is basically tough crowd for each of us. Well, basically, I want to do a show like Tough Crowd, except it's called Rough Trade and we're all in leather. We have gay sex at the end of the show. Shut up.

We argue with northeastern regional accents about things we don't know about. What are you talking about? North Korea? Why does two Koreas? Anyways, come here. Let me give you a smooch. Yeah. A bunch of tough Boston.

Did I say on the podcast that Boston piece of shit guy that I overheard in Boston? That guy that was like, he was like, yeah. So anyway, he's like, yeah, we're going to have to do a fucking field sobriety. So I'm like, fuck it. I had two beers. Whatever. I failed with field sobriety. I don't think I could pass a field sobriety test.

It's sober. Sober? Yeah. You have to have good balance. Yeah. I have horrible balance. All right. Now stand on one leg and then just immediately sink into the ground.

It's like a sinkhole. I'm sorry. Is that me? Yeah. I'm sorry. Have you guys ever done that? I don't sink into the street again. You guys ever done field sobriety?

What's that? I did it once. Really? No, I was stoned. So I like passed the field sobriety. You should always demand, first of all, as soon as a cop pulls you over, demand to see their supervisor. You say, oh, hell no. I am putting up with this.

You threaten them with mace. I know I got rights. You threaten them with mace. You say, this is racist. This is the way you get away with the DIY. Yeah. I love those videos like what to do. Yeah.

Like those ACLU style videos. No, even those, no, but for real though, those ACLU videos. They're terrible advice. Yeah, where it's like, ignore, don't say you don't have to submit anything and it's like, cops are still people and you can fucking manipulate them like anybody else. Oh, 100%. And just be nice and you can get away with shit. Sometimes.

I think we've gotten advantage. Yeah, of course. I understand that for sure, but I mean, if you're like a white dude and you say like, I don't submit anything. I don't consent. This is my right. You're going to jail. Yeah.

That's like, yeah. That's like, yeah. Waving your white privilege. Yeah. Just doing that shit. Although there is an ACLU like app you can use if you see like cops beating people or whatever. And they'll like send it to them.

I meet girls on there on the ACLU app. Yeah, me too, dude. I mean, well, my profile picture is me wearing a koofy. Yeah. Trying to meet some woke girls. Mine is me from, uh, I still use my senior portrait from high school. Yeah. That's why.

Yeah. We're seeing when he was on Tinder. They had just the picture of him, uh, like talking to Conan. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You got to baby. Yeah. That's literally the only good thing about a TV.

Just the NBC logo and a microphone in your hand. Yeah. Like a poster from an open mic from 2007. Just put an NBC logo on there. Del Ray. That place that was like the big venue. Where? Del Ray.

Yeah. Del Ray. It was some like, it was like a restaurant and wood bridge. Really? I think I missed it. Not Britney's? No, there's Britney's. But then there was, yeah, Del Ray was like another, it was like a Mexican restaurant.

I remember, uh, somebody bragging to me. Like, yeah, I'm actually featuring at Del Ray. Shitty open mic. I don't want to say her name because I'm assuming she's like, has a terrible life now. Man, was she a piece of shit? Where's the first place you guys went up? Uh, motherfucking EJ's landing in College Park, Maryland. All right.

The seafood restaurant. All right. Irwin Loring. I mean, I went up at, um, a different Irwin. I went up at, uh, RFD Thursday. Shut the, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up, Mike.

Shut the fuck up. Who runs that? Yo, we got one rule. Shut the fuck up. I was like, I, I, when I was, when I was back, uh, I never did the like, you know, hey, can I go up early? Sort of thing. Yeah.

But like people would usually just let me go up early. Yeah. Yeah. And Ralph would like, was like, yeah, we'll see if there's time. We'll see if there's time. I went there and he's like, yep, no, he made me wait there the entire night. He's like, no spots this week or whatever. Yeah.

They love that. I almost, like I was almost like, I'm a real comment. I don't know who the fuck you think you are. You're some shit at open mic. I mean, that's literally like their dome. That's all they ask you. That week I had been some ball at that big show. I was just trying to do as many spots as possible.

So I was like, yo, can I like, please go up early at your thing? Cause I'm trying to hit another mic. We got a big show. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No problem. No problem. No problem. And so like I waited for like two hours and then I left and he's like, where you going?

Where are you going? And I was like, I can't, I can't stay here. I got to go. Yeah. And I got, it's in my, it's in my Facebook messages, but he sent me a psychotic. Hilarious. He's like, listen, you might be going places in this world. Maybe MTV, maybe Comedy Central.

But professionalism. Incredible. Professionalism matters in this industry. Incredible. And let me tell you something. You got no professionalism. You put on a suit and tie at two o'clock in the morning to write this email. You got a pinstripe suit on the president of the emails.

God, that show. Remember when we used to think it was the best show of all time? The Thursdays for like, for a couple months, it was popping. But it was just like so poorly run. Yeah. They would just start every show for those unfamiliar. They had a great show packed all the time and they would just ramble. First of all, just do too much time.

But the most important thing was they would just yell. We have one rule. Shut the fuck up. And they would just like yell that in an audience that just wants to see comedy. So Michael, Michael Foodie and I made a fake email address one night on a Saturday night when we were going out and having fun with young people. We made a foodie. We're trolling.

We made a fake email called Josh Wanda. Right. And we said a bunch of troll emails and we said, we said they have a troll email that we run. We own the rights to the shut the fuck up comedy showcase. Like Josh Wanda here. The best one was the best one was we emailed. We emailed Wardell and he was at the draft.

He was at the draft house, Mike, at the time. It was on a Saturday night. We're like, hey, Brandon, Josh Wanda here. I just want to let you know that I've told everyone in the industry that you're not to be trusted. It's like you. I asked you for directions that South by Southwest and you caused me to miss a showcase with industry representatives.

I've told Chelsea Peretti, Geron Carmichael. I was just like naming all these people not to ever trust with you and trust you again. And apparently Brandon was at the draft house and he's like freaking out. He's like running around. That's incredible. And he's like, who the fuck is Josh Wanda? It's so good. Yeah.

If you guys want to harass Brandon, you know, in a fun way, you know. No. Oh, okay. Yeah. No, it's just for past Adam and foodie. Only guess of the show. If you're a guest of the show, you can literally murder Brandon. The best one was our friend.

I won't say his name, but we, he was a vest wearing comedian in Washington, DC. He wore a bunch of vests. Who wore a bunch of vests? You know. You know who wore vests. No, I don't actually. You know, there's a famous picture of him wearing a vest in front of a velvet curtain. Anyway.

Did he wear a vest? Yeah. I think like in headshots, he wore vests a lot. Yeah. Anyway, so I said, we said about Josh. Yeah. See, you know. Yeah.

Yeah. So we said, we said, who's a friend of mine, by the way. Yeah. Well, you're a friend of mine. We sent him an email. One of my closest friends. We sent him a Josh Wanda email. We were like, Josh Wanda here and we think you're one of the best dressed comedians in

America. And we'd like to invite you to the Detroit comedy festival featuring the comedic stylings of the best dressed comedians in the industry. Paula Pads, which is like, Mr. Steve, tell it like it is Harvey. And then he just wrote a one-liner reply that was just like, all right. Yeah. Give me the info. Incredible.

Yeah. We had never emailed him back. That was a fun night. Yeah, sounds real fun. Yeah, sounds real fun. Steve Harvey's been having a lot of controversies lately. His wife said she... Living?

She stole his soul. He stole her soul. Yeah, yeah. He killed her soul. Ten years with him destroyed her soul. Now, how do you get that back? I don't know. You like Kegels?

Yeah. I guess. Kegels in the Caribbean? Yeah. That's a cruise that I run. You like tie digs? Yeah. Kegels in the Caribbean.

Was she in how Stella got her groove back? Was that tie digs? You know what? Did they ever even tell you how she gets her groove back? Folks, you might be a red man. Well, that makes no fucking sense. She's got... Just Jeff Boxer.

He was a brain parasite. Folks, let me ask you here. What if... They didn't even tell you the toys story anyway. You might be a red man. Here's your side. Schindler's list. What was he making a list of?

You might be a red man. It was the Jews. Oh, right. Oh, actually, yeah. Hey, that guy might be a redneck. Or maybe not. I don't know. We're kind of ambivalent towards Jews, I think, mostly.

Remember when he had a button? Hey, what's up with all the F names on the Ford trucks? You know what's that? F-150, 250. It's like, what's next? F-350? They have those. All right.

Well, then, F-450 then. They make those too. All right. Well, why don't you tell me where the fucking number stops and smart guy, and then I'll add a fucking number to it. Piece of shit. You fucking asshole. He just starts having a seizure on stage.

Brain parasite. That might be the best character we've had. F-Jampicard and that guy. F. Tell me where the number stops. No, Inspector Faggots. The best character. Inspector Faggots.

That's true. Inspector Faggots. He's just got a bunch of dicks. Dildo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all dildo. I don't know what it is. It's all dildo.

I don't know what it is. Dick. Dick. Coming out of his hat. It's a dick. Dick pops. It's just a shit. No, no.

Dick pops out of his head. And then the tip pops open and then four more dicks come out. That makes a dick. I dig a molecule. Whoa. Oh, yeah, baby. All right.