The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 56 – The Resistance

Episode Date: June 15, 2017

I guess some Bernie Bro shot up the mayors offiice or some shit so we talk about it, political style.

Brandon's, Brandon's show with his wife. A girlfriend is a wife, dude. Oh, that's true. Are we, are we going, is the show going? Yeah, we already started. She's one of the stream of consciousness writer. I wanted to get Tumblr girls. You wanted to get secretly...

No, no, I wanted to get a second of silence, but you guys wouldn't listen to me, so I just started recording it while you were talking shit on Brandon's show. I wasn't talking... Oh yeah, I mean, yeah, we were. I don't know why I'm lying about that, yeah. We're talking blatant shit. The one guy lower on the totem pole. The end of the material human centipede, Brandon Wardell.

The guy that writes behind Adam. Did we joke on the show yet? I am lowest on the bill for that show. Do we talk yet about... About what? About how much that Japanese guy at the back of the human centipede would have loved that shit. And they like pretend like he doesn't like it in the movie. I never saw a human centipede.

Oh yeah, it's two hot girls and then a Japanese guy. Oh really? Yeah, he's in the middle, I think. Or maybe he's in the front. No, that's funny. I'd love to be in the front. You know, the German scientist would be telling him his plans and he would be like, Thank you.

Thank you for this gift to me. This is the only thing I have ever dreamed of. To be sewed together. The front of the human centipede is not bad. Yeah. You don't have to eat anything with that. Me and Cubas were talking about it one time. It's like, what's the worst?

What's the ranking best of worst? And then there's all these people we were talking to that were like, Oh well, the front's obviously the most ideal. And then probably the back and then the middle. And it's like, no, the front, then the middle. 100%. I'm at least getting the shits. At least you're getting your ass eaten.

Shitting in someone's mouth. You want to shit in someone's mouth. At the very least. That's a consolation prize. I would say that the front is almost good. The front's great. Yeah. That's a good thing to happen to you.

It's funny. Yeah. Because you're the only one not suffering your whole life. Imagine if I was in the front and Adam was behind me, you know how happy I'd be? Why? You're just eating my shit. It's funny. I wouldn't last that long.

Probably die. How did he die in that movie? From eating shit. Oh, from literally from eating shit. From the shit people accuse me of having. You don't have it anymore? Who accuses you of having it? I don't know.

That's like a meme. People on the boards? Yeah. Nick's got sips. Yeah, people on GameFAQs keep saying I have sips. Dude, I had a rough week this week. You ever use GameFAQs? I never did.

I've never, I don't know how any board works at all. I got to the internet much too late. We got it when I was in life. I just used it for porn, dude. I never used it for- Dude, I never got, no, I never, I still don't understand how it works. I tried to go on Reddit once, I don't get it. I don't understand how it works.

Well, Reddit's kind of its own thing. That's different. Aren't all boards that way though? They're moderators. They're moderators. Yeah. And there's like sub shit. And people vote for your, like, if it's a good comment or a bad comment.

Is that what every board is? No, they don't have the voting stuff. Oh, no. So if I read it, is the up vote, down vote? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes I've tried to like get on other, like, boards where I'm like researching something. And I just, I'm too stupid to understand the board. So it's like, I'm not going to figure out how to-

Boards are kind of an old thing, I feel like. Yeah, it's like email. It's like not knowing how email works. Well, I get email, but not boards, man. I don't know what to tell you. I'm dumb. I'm an old man. Because we didn't get, I didn't get internet in my house.

I had dial-up when I was like, I don't know, in freshman year of high school, ninth grade. Yeah. And we didn't get high speed internet until I was like, in 10th grade or 11th grade. Yeah, but you could use forms with dial-up. Yeah, you don't need like download speeds. I had AOL at home or whatever the fuck. The only thing I used it for was AIM and beating off to- My mom still had dial-up until like four years ago.

And no way. Yeah, she just refuses. Who even provides dial-up? She would get into like fights with Verizon because they would like, they're like, we're going to cut off your service. Hell yeah, dude. Well, it was after dial-up DSL, right? Yeah, DSL. Dick-sucking-lips.

Yeah, that's what it stands for. Nice. Man, this, I'm getting sluggish after this movie. I had a giant steak yesterday. I saw that. I was jealous. I know, I made it myself. How'd you do it?

I seared it. I used a salt and pepper. You got a cast iron? Yeah. Well, Amber does. I used hers. I used some butter and a little bit of, what's that, thyme? Yeah.

Yes, thyme is good. Put a little bit of thyme in the pan. If you think it's really big, what you do is you put the fucking, you put the pan at 500 degrees in the fucking oven. In the oven? Well, after you seared it. To get it screaming hot. No, no, no, no, to get it hot as shit. And then you put the fucking heat high, throw the fucking pan.

It's already been in the oven. I'm going to get a cast iron. Yeah, yeah. Put that fucker on there for like 90 seconds each side. Mm, I don't- I mean, the pan gets pretty fucking hot. You just need to sear it for like about two minutes each side. I mean, cooking a steak's pretty easy.

Depends on what kind of steak it is. You got to go ribeye. If you're going straight, ribeye. Ribeye, the fatty shit, dude. That's my favorite. Yeah, yeah. Get that marbleization poppin'. Yo, let's get a fucking ribeye.

We got to get boisters, and we got to get a fucking ribeye. We still need to go to Peter Luger's steakhouse. Fuck yeah, dude, I went with Ben. Let's go. I'm down. Let's run it back. I'm down to try- Yeah, I remember I was trying to come and you were like, no, actually it's just me and Ben going.

Yeah, sometimes. Because they had a reservation, Nick. People can have plans that don't involve you, Nick. He's so not going to eat. He's such a baby about this stuff. Me and Ben, Ben's like one of my best friends. We live in different cities. I see him fucking six times a year.

Also, they made a reservation for two. He was like, I'm coming. We're getting steaks. He had no point in saying that they made a reservation for two. He said he had a 6 p.m. reservation at Peter Luger's with Ben. Oh, did you go? Is that how you know? Yeah, Adam was there.

I invited my friends I like. It was me, Adam, Ben. And we could only add one more person. Brandon Wardell Skyped in. Darcy was there. That girl Darcy hates. Eve Bizer was there. Brandon was really cool.

Eve was telling everyone she's Jewish. The whole restaurant loved it. They're like, you got to get a load of this girl. She's hilarious. She's telling us she's Jewish. Have you ever heard such a funny joke in your life? Yeah. Otherwise, though, I'd be happy to have involved you, but you get it.

It was a closed personal thing. Yeah, Brandon ordered fidget spinners. He ordered chicken nuggets at a steakhouse. But we should go get steaks for real and boisters. To celebrate. Well, there's a lot of reason to celebrate today. It's Donald Trump's birthday. Is it?

It's flag day. It's flag day. Adam's got a couple of rainbow flags set up around his house. A couple. I got it. It's like the United Nations over in my house. Just 100 different rainbow flags. It's different.

You've got the rainbow version of every country flag. Every country, exactly. Every time you suck off a guy from a different country, he gives you one of those. Well, I got actually just 50 of the Israel rainbow flags. We've got a couple of good shootings today. One at UPS, and I've feuded with UPS numerous times. Any time anything bad happens to one of their transit centers.

Amen. God bless. That was pretty cool. What happened? The Bernie Bro. Bernie Bro shot up a bunch of congressmen playing softball. Which is like, you know, it's like, good, right? Yeah.

If you're, if you're good, I'm just like, if you're going to be some fucking old asshole playing baseball, fuck baseball. Well, how many do you deserve to get shot? How many do you do? Baseball's gay, dude. How many do you do? You're a fucking senator, fucking fieldin' balls and shit.

Get the fuck out of here. How many do you do? 90 guns that they got at gun shows that aren't registered, that were stockpiling to take arms against the government, had a backtrack today. Like a million, probably. Yeah, it is strange that it's a Bernie Bro. I mean, it shouts out, you know.

Aha! You know, it's, we're getting in the back shooting game. You know what I mean? We're getting, you know, it wasn't just being chauvinist. That wasn't enough. It wasn't enough being mean to ladies. Now we're shooting people too, dude. We're getting in the game.

Yeah. And there was also a big fire in London, which was pretty cool. Was there? Yeah, it was a Muslim apartment complex that burned down. Oh, shit. Yeah, you know what? Chalk went up for the good guys. Take that.

That's how I feel. So for today you would say it's, it kind of evens out. It does. Because you're a beautiful Republican senator, got shot. I'm so glad. But a Muslim also. No, I'm on board with the Bernie Bro shooting people. Okay, you're on every, so it's a good day.

Every act of violence, you're pro today. I'm 100%. I'm pro because I'm anti-Baseball. I'm also pro Donald Trump's birthday. And flag day. Yeah, I'm anti-Baseball. I didn't even know there was a UPS one. Yeah, the UPS one just happened.

Isn't that kind of like hack the post, going postal? Oh, there's a shooting at the Barclay Center today. No, it's a shitty job. Actually, you know what? It's not. It's like even the dickheads just stand around. Yeah, it's not bad. They make like fucking $18 an hour, yeah.

Yeah, we had a family friend who was a pilot for UPS and he was fucking loaded. A pilot? Yeah. Yeah, well. What, postal workers? I would love to be a mailman, honestly. They're not teamsters. That shit would be tight.

You get little shorts. You get to walk around all fucking day, little cardio. Yeah, you gotta do a shit ton of squats though. Imagine Adam's legs going around. What's wrong with my legs? Yeah, Adam has horrible little bitch ass legs, of course. At least I have hair on my legs. I have hair.

First of all, the legs are so fat that they're bald. That's not why it matters inside the fat. The fat wraps around your head. It's like you got sucked in like the end of a piece of spaghetti into a mouth. It's like when there's still little pieces of feathers on chicken fat. You know what I mean? Oh, that's the worst. I have beautiful fucking gams.

You actually do have really powerful legs. Good musculature. I wonder why you have really powerful legs. How many fat guys have you seen with skinny legs, bitch? Never. Okay. A lot. A lot have skinny ass legs.

Yeah, it happens. I am a fuck. I'm an athletic specimen and that's what in your, you know what I mean? I agree. You have nice legs. And so do I and so does Nick. You do not. We all have nice legs.

You have horrible legs. Why? I thought we were the nice like boys. No. I thought that was our thing. He has okay legs, but he works on them. You have entitlement. I wish my calves were bigger.

Yeah. It's, it's, that's one of the most embarrassing things. Yeah. It's, it is. Throughout this life. Yeah. Without meaty calves. That's that mil, that was Milhouse's thing in that future episode where Lisa is marrying

that British guy. Yeah. Milhouse gets jacked and he can't get his calves going. Oh man. Your future Milhouse, bitch. Damn. And your present Milhouse. I'm just saving up for the implants.

No. No, my legs are nice, but I just. I choose to sit. You are kind of the Lisa Simpson of the podcast. Why? Because I'm good. Lisa was stupid. Yeah.

Cause you like chime in with some bullshit. Yeah. What do you mean some bullshit? The worst character on the show. Lisa is the worst. I'm the best. I'm Homer. Dude, you're the AJ Soprano of our podcast.

No, I'm not. I'm the Homer Simpson. I'm Tony Soprano. You're the girl from Gilligan that we talked about last week, that they all fuck. Not the hot one. The other one. Which one? Homer.

Yeah, that's the podcast. I'm Tony Soprano. Nick is Homer. And you're the girl from Gilligan's Island. You're Lisa from Gilligan's Island. That's not true at all. I reject that. I reject all of that.

Nick, you can't be Homer. Homer's never been Homer's to anyone ever. What? He's not rude. So is that a serious thing? It's serious. Who the fuck are you talking about? Who's he rude to?

Literally everybody. Flanders. Flanders is the nicest guy in the world and he's a piece of shit to me. No, Homer's never been rude. That's like a central part of the character. Even though he doesn't mean to be, he's fucking stupid. Well, yeah, he has no social graces. But Nick is on purpose here.

I've literally modeled my personality after Homer Simpson. No, you haven't. Yes, I haven't. Someone who's rude and doesn't understand why he's being rude. That doesn't remind you of anyone in this fucking room right now. Okay, Nick, you're right. You're Lisa. Why am I Lisa?

She's smart. She's good at school. You're Lisa if she wasn't smart. She has liberty spike hair. That's one of my favorite jokes though. Get back to Millhouse is when someone calls Millhouse a nerd and he's like, I'm not a nerd. Nerds are smart. We're watching Indiana Jones.

I'm the Ralph Wiggum. He's making me want to revisit the hat store. Dude, we got to go back. Indiana Jones sucks, by the way. Yeah, we had a nice day at that hat store. As you know, I've tried to like these movies a million times and they're just fucking boring. Yeah. It's just fucking slow.

I like the one that's racist to Asian. Who's the Asian kid in the second one? Short round. Yeah. Dr. Jones. Dr. Jones, he fucked my ass. Not now. Short round.

I don't have time to listen to your stories about getting fucked in the ass. Now that's a movie. How old is Harrison Ford? That motherfucker's still flying planes old. He's like 77 years old. Is he like always in a crashing and shit? Yeah. He's still fucking.

He's still doing good. I'm taking my private plane to Southeast Asia. If I can go fuck short round. How's that? I forget. Pedophile Indiana Jones. Yeah. Now I think, I did it like tweet like five or six years ago.

That's when Twitter was fun. With Indiana Jones looking at short rounds ass and he goes, this belongs in a museum. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Short round. Yeah. He was also, he was data in fucking Goonies. Oh, was he?

Yeah. I think so. It's the same. The only Chinese boy back then. Was he the guy that was also in the Mali Ringwald movie? Long Dong. Long Dong. No.

Yeah. It was Jackie Chan. That's how Jackie Chan got his start. He had 16 candles. I'm a huge Jackie Chan fan. No one can say anything bad about that guy to me. He's gay and he's a bitch. Please do not say that to me.

And you're actually a bigger bitch than him. If Jackie Chan, although you know what? You know what? That fucking cartoon. I love that. Yeah. Jackie Chan Adventures. So good.

Nice. Yeah. Cause he's so good. Jackie Chan reproduces asexually. That's right. That's why he doesn't look like he's aged. We're actually on Jackie number seven. He just lays an egg and then a smaller Jackie Chan comes out of it.

And eventually when they reach the same height, five foot two, they replace the old Jackie Chan with the new one. Whatever. All those Jackies do their own stunts, dude. Yeah. Dude, wasn't he also in porn? Him and Stallone did porn before they got famous, right? Stallone did soft porn.

It's 100% true. Where'd you get that from? I think he did. Vin Diesel did. Did he? Huh? Lucky. Lucky Balboa.

Lucky. There we go. Yeah. Barboa, dude. Come on. Fit it, dude. Come on. Dot all your eyes and cross all your T's, dude.

That was weak. Pull all your eyes back and cross all your lawns. And get all your green T's. Your Oolong T's. Dude, what's his name? Vin Diesel do gay porn or something? What? Yeah.

Well, it was a hobby, like privately, aside from all the Fast and the Furious movies. They did gay porn the way you do gay porn. Yeah. I know that Stallone was like living, he was homeless. All the time. He was homeless living. For sexual gratification. Living the Port Authority bus station.

Yeah, I've seen that viral video. He had to sell his dog or whatever. And he saw that for a soft-core porn. Yeah. He was buying dogs from homeless people. I know. Exactly. Who the fuck bought it?

That story is that dog died and he didn't want to say he had his dog killed. And I watched The Founder the other night. What that about? It's about Ray Kroc. Oh yeah, that was on the plane. I didn't watch it. The Founder of Kroc's? Yeah, he found it.

Yeah. It was made by Mario Batali. There is a scene in the movie where he's like, he's like why he went with McDonald's. He's like, that's such a great name. Who's going to buy something called Kroc? That's a fun little dig at that dumb-ass shoe company. Was he good? It was alright, I guess.

Didn't he like fuck someone over? Yeah, he fucked everyone over. Nice. He didn't invent anything. But it's like, we were arguing about it the other night. That's like not even a unique story in American business. Yeah, that's every successful business. Pretty much.

Yeah dude, Microsoft was entirely like just Bill Gates. The Winklevoss, right? The Winklevoss. Yeah, the Winklevoss has invented Microsoft. And Bill Gates stole the idea from him. Yeah, well you have such a fucking charismatic fucking frontman as Bill Gates. Imagine being such a nerd that Bill Gates out-charismaed you. The picture of Bill Gates.

We didn't out-charisma. What he did is he bought the operating system that was DOS, rebranded it, and then fucking licensed it to IBM rather than just giving it to them to use on all their machines. And then when other companies started making IBM clones, like he was able to, which I think was already happening prior to DOS being big, but he was able to license it to all those different companies. Yeah, I'm gonna stand for Dick Sucking Lips. Nice.

Dick's on Suck Man, like Command. That's Chill. I watched the fucking Logan movie on the plane. And the Oasis documentary, and the Oasis documentary was hilarious. Yeah. Yeah, they're like such bad boys, they're like doing like hard drugs and stuff, and their music just sounds so gay. They're just like, I love you.

They're just like doing crystal meth and like, I fucking hate my brother. Like, yeah, it's so funny. Those guys are hilarious. You know I get sucked off in the meadow. Yeah. In a champagne supernova. I've only heard Closing Time. That's the only Oasis song I've heard.

That's Eagle Eye Cherry. Oh. Oh, no, no, that's not. That's... Is it? No, it's not Eagle Eye Cherry. Who is that? Buck Cherry?

No, it's not Buck Cherry. Yeah, it's Buck Cherry. That's gonna be my father, daughter dance, and my daughter's wedding. You're a crazy bitch. You're a crazy bitch. Who is Closing Time? O.A.R.? Basketball?

No, that's The Road. Tom Petty and the Hard Breakers. Come on, dude. Closing Time. No, it's a one hit wonder. Tom Petty and the Dick Suckers. Your knowledge of music, you listen to what like an uncle listens to. No, I don't.

I don't listen to that shit. He likes rap. Oh, yeah. I listen to rap. It was Yo Guy. Who wrote Closing Time? That's crazy that none of us know. Damn.

Yeah. So are I blind? No. No. I don't fucking know. It's some gay ass band. Yeah. That song sucks.

That song sucks, yeah. The fuck is like listening to Closing Time? It's a gimmick song to put on. Closing Time. They literally wrote it like maybe they'll put this on at Closing Time. Yeah, and we can get those fucking ass cap fees when restaurants play this bullshit. Closing Time. I'm really upset right now.

Yeah, there's like, I'm taking a cab in New York City and it's, you know, please tip your driver. It's my rock song that I came up with. Every new beginning is another motherfucker's cock. That's good, you know. I've heard this song maybe. I know who I want to suck me off, you know. Have you ever fucked at Closing Time, Adam?

Like a Hail Mary, thrown a Hail Mary at Closing Time? From the bar? From the bar. No, that's not how I fool girls in having sex with them. Yeah, I've never fucked off a bar. Nicholas. I have once or twice. Yeah, once or yeah, once.

In Austin? Yeah. That's the only place you can really do that. Yeah, it's got to be somewhere like that. I mean, that's the only thing that happens. Oh yeah, sure. I guess I don't drink here. Yeah, exactly.

I kind of stopped drinking too. Drinking really helps you just kind of like fill in the gaps that your personality and fucking nerve fall short at. Yeah, it is sort of like a stain you can pour over. Yeah. The porous surface of your psyche. Yeah. Just let it fill in all the gaps.

Yeah, dude. You're just fucking, you're just putting your arm around fucking bitches, grabbing titties and shit. Yeah, you're becoming rapist. Do you do that? Consensually. Yeah. Are you rapist?

You got me. That's the beer assaulting. No, it's a fun time. You're getting your dick grabbed by drunk women, which happens to me all the time. Really? Oh yeah. The only people that have ever grabbed my dick are gay guys. People don't think that you have boundaries.

Right, it's true. They're like, oh, look how fat he is. He must be comfortable with his body. I can just touch him and do whatever I want. I know. People touch like bald people's heads and shit. Absolutely. Imagine doing that to a fat woman.

And I'm like, oh, look how brave you are. Just on the bus. How many purple hearts do you have, ma'am? Do people expect fat men to be happy? Is that like a... Oh, everyone wants a jolly fat guy? Everyone wants a jolly fat guy. No one wants a...

It was a struggle, dude. You know, I was a moody fat guy. I was a moody fat boy, but society fucking molded me into jolly. Yeah, but you can be a moody fat boy. You just have to be like in the insane clown posse and shit. No, I couldn't do that. Yeah, you have to do like face makeup. Yeah.

If you're a moody fat guy. You have to do a lot of hand gestures. Absolutely. A lot of doing. Or be a wigger. Be like an angry fat white guy wigger. Yeah, but those guys all think they're hot. Violent J.

Yeah. Big J. Violent J. Violent J. Wow, how did that take us that long? That was good. Violent J. That was good.

Someone get that photoshop going. Yeah, no, I was definitely... I definitely went into the fucking job. Oh, these fucking special effects suck dick. I've never seen this part. It's good for like the 80s, I guess, but it ain't the 80s no more, dude. I'm not trying to watch George Mike in play center. You know what I'm saying?

What movies that are old? That's what I'm talking about, dude. I want fucking computer graphics in all my movies. Blade Runner. Life. Let's throw it out. You know what? Put it in the garbage.

This part is good. This place is all with anime. What older movies? Actually, these little lightning bolts are kind of tight. Yeah, that's cool. I do fuck with this. Oh shit, let's watch the guy's face melt. Yeah, let's do the podcast and say it.

Yeah, yeah. What older, this is a good question. What older movies like from the 80s look good still? Like Blade Runner. Blade Runner, I was about to say. Awesome. Blade Runner still looks good. I saw like the original set.

Star Wars looks good. It does. It does. The Adventures of Ford Fairline. Do you guys know that movie? No. It's the Andrew Dice Clay movie. Dude, it's like a fucking Rockabilly Andrew Dice Clay movie.

Wow, that's a great actor. Dude, have we talked about the show time show? Wait, is there special effects in that movie? No. You just mentioned it because it's dice. It's a movie. Yeah. Because I don't know that movie.

It's like the only movie you've seen that me and Adam haven't seen. I haven't seen it because it's an Andrew Dice Clay movie. I haven't seen it. I've seen like 30% of it. I couldn't get a good stream. Stop, you are a cinephile. Dropping these criterion collections. Let's see, what have I seen from the 80s?

Do you call it criterion? Criterion, bitch. That's not what you said the first time. Dude, I know I do that. A league of their own? Is that at the 80s? Yeah. There's no special effects in that movie.

They had to photoshop. They was all men playing. Except for Rosie. Except for Rosie. Except for Rosie. Except for women. His faces. His men and Rosie.

His men and Rosie. Dude, she's made for softball. Have you seen Riding the Bus with My Sister? No. Rosie, a Donald movie where she plays a mentally retarded woman. Oh, yes. And it's like offensive. That's awesome.

To me, as somebody that is an advocate for that community, I was like mortified when I saw her. Yeah, she does this weird voice. She's like, we're going to the store to buy a new toilet seat. I want to be able to talk like cartoon dogs. This is a dog word overall. We've got to go to the store. It's really bad.

And you watch it and you're like, fuck, this must have been like early in her career. And it's from like 2007. No way. It's from like way later. It's like much later than you thought. The Rosie show, bitch. My favorite. I love that as a comeback concept for her.

That she's going to go tarred. Yeah. That was my shit. That was my post. That was my after school viewing was that fucking Rosie O'Donnell show. I know you sent the kush balls. It's so funny. Fuck yeah.

You were sad when you found out she was gay. I was religious as a little kid. He prayed for her. Did you want to marry Rosie O'Donnell? Huh? I remember being sad when I found out Nathan Lane was gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, oh no.

But he's such a nice guy. He's also like the gayest man of all time. I mean, yeah. Half the movies he's in, he's gay as hell. Right, yeah. No, this is funny. It's like a kid, you don't know what gay is. So there's like guys who just think they're like good at entertaining children.

Like Tim Curry or Mr. Rogers or, you know. Barney, the dinosaurs game. Yeah, absolutely. For sure. Do you remember that rumor? The purple teletubby? That rumor about Steve from Blues Clues that he like raped a kid and they had to get rid of him? No, he just lost his hair.

No, he had a one man show for a while. Yeah. And he recorded an album. It's like not true. But I remember everyone was like, dude, that guy Steve from Blues Clues. But he wasn't on drugs or some shit, right? No, yeah, that's right. He became a heroin addict.

And he went bald, dude. Yeah, yeah. There's plenty of old movies that look great. Poor bald guy. Oh, in fact, I feel bad for guys that go bald. It's just increasingly shot on like digital rather than film. It looks a lot better. It's going to look much better because they're going to start doing like better rescans of old film.

The Sting? The Sting is like one of the best movies of all time. That fucking movie rules. Yeah, it's a great movie. I've seen it and it rules. Yeah. I have not seen Butch Cassie and the Sundance Kid though. Wow.

Well, Sting is good enough. You know? Sting and the movie. The wrestler. The wrestler. Not the musician. He's terrible. He's the worst one.

By far. Yeah. Are there any other Stings? The police are a really fucking bad band. Rocks and you don't have to suck off my heart, dick. The only good police song is the Suck off my heart, dick. The Yale Yale song.

Yeah. No, that's, that's, that's from the From the Jaguar commercial. That was big when I went to Greece and like Desert Roswells? Oh hell yeah. When I was a little, I was a little kid and I went to Greece and I was bumping that shit, dude. Riding up winding Greek roads with no fun.

They got no fucking We should all move to Greece. I'm going. You got motherfuckers should come, dude. I'm going for a couple weeks in September. Oh, multiplicity's on there. I love that movie. Multiplicity?

Yeah, I've never seen it. Michael Keaton as a retard. He also plays a retard. No, he's not retarded. He clones himself. One of the clones is retarded. Oh, that's right. And they like set that up in the movie.

They're like, now be careful. If you clone a clone, it'll be retarded. And it's like, I wonder if that's going to happen at some point in this movie. I think he's one of, like, the all-time coolest guys. Keaton rules, dude. He was a stand-up. Yeah, he was. He had a holding deal and whoever the fuck he was with wasn't putting him in any movies,

so he started doing stand-up and he was good at it. And they let him be Batman. Yeah, that fucking rules. He's a comic that they love to become Batman. I love him so much. I'm like the Michael Keaton of the group. No, it's me. You're the Michael Keaton.

You're like the retarded clone. You're Val Kilmer. I'm Michael Keaton. No, I'm Michael Keaton. I'm also Val Kilmer. I would be. Val Kilmer, I think, is a fucking special talent. I think he's a genius.

What? I think he's an amazing guy. Are you trolling? No, I'm serious. I'm completely serious. In what sense is he? I think he's incredible in everything. He's incredible in movies.

He's good. I think he's great in everything. But he's goofy. The saint's one of the greatest movies of all time. I love that movie. I've never seen that. I've seen that movie in many times. I've seen that movie in many times.

He's this guy that uses all the different names of the saints, his cover identities. It's a bad movie, but he's... Also, those names are the most common names of all time. My name is Santa Claus. I don't know where the diamonds are. You have to get through Matthew, John, Luke, and the other one. I think he's a special being touched by God. I don't know.

Seriously. I don't know. Some guy who said his name was Thomas Aquinas. He needed to hold the bank's money. Yeah, dude. He was in McGroober. He was great in McGroober. Which is the slaps on one of the funniest movies of the last ten years.

McGroober's funny shit. People don't give it enough credit. All the movies that those guys have done, I think, are fucking awesome. The Lonely Island guys. I agree. Hot Rod was fucking great. Did you guys ever fuck with the website? The Lonely Island website?

Before Andy was saying... Before they got SNL. It was on SNL. I used to fuck with that shit. Well, they had a pilot that is now online. You can see that called Awesome Town. I remember in college we'd watch that. My name is Yorma motherfucker.

The sensitive one. Break your motherfucking face with the butt of my gun. Rip off your arms and stab me with it. Pull out my dick and fuck your ass with them. Something like that. I don't know. I like those guys because they're very much... I feel sort of similar to me as Sandler kids.

They're Jews. No, no. People that grew up on Sandler. You're like, if you were funny. You don't mean Jews. They're like, if you were funny is what you're saying. Yeah, if I was funny and you had any comedic talent. If I had good timing and funny jokes and friends that were supportive of my ideas.

You had two friends that you had a successful creative endeavor with. What fucking ideas are we supposed to be supportive of? All of my ideas. Name one, pitch one. Alright, let's do this. This will be a pitch one. Name one idea that isn't just you stealing something from somebody. You couldn't even get through it.

Stop that. You stop that right now. Alright, pitch. Go ahead, pitch. Pitch what? Pitch. I don't want to say it on the pod because people are going to take it. Okay.

Here's one. We're all fucking centaurs. Okay. Okay. That's a good idea. Your horse dies. Pita comes for your lower half. Because you're abusing it with your fucking torso.

You're going to jail for animal abuse. I got an idea. Yeah, and you guys got to break me out. Yeah. I got an idea. Okay. I'm a kid that grew up like super poor, right? One of the poorest kids in the country.

Were you a janitor or something? No. And you do a fucking math problem. Is this what you're going to do? No, stop. You're going to take the plot of something else. Stop. And his toys come to life when he's not around.

And he goes to college and his toys have to go find him. Oh my God. Can I just pitch my ideas? It's called Toy Story. Has anyone done that? What are some other? And you've got an old wooden dreidel that's your favorite. Here's an idea.

Cowboy dreidel. Dan Deacon. You asked me for an idea. You asked me for an idea. Maybe you can do some stuff on Adult Story. All right. All right. Okay.

Which are you the poorest kid in the world? I'm one of the poorest kids in the country. Uh-huh. And then I get to go on who wants to be a millionaire. Okay. So all the questions make me think of stories from my life. Okay. Slumdog millionaire.

We got it. You're doing exactly what we said. I don't know what that is. I've never heard of that. Slumdog millionaire last time? I don't know. I thought it was that was a movie about Indians dancing. They dancing.

That was a very confusing movie for me. Yeah, me at the boogie. Do you guys remember Punjabi MC? I don't know if I've seen Slumdog millionaire. I haven't seen it. Do they blind children in that movie? No. He's like an untouchable.

What's the Indian movie where they pour boiling water in children's eyes? Aladdin. Yeah. It is Aladdin. I don't know. I don't know. That's the movie I saw and I thought it was Slumdog millionaire. Is that a real movie?

Yeah, dude. It's like these Indian street kids and people will snatch them up and they pour boiling water in their fucking eyeballs. Life of pie? No. What other Indian movies are there? Shit. Bollywood?

Yeah. I seriously thought that was Slumdog millionaire. You did? It's about a call center. There's as much people that were going to call center and there's Indian kids getting their eyes pulled out. Nah, that's not it. Damn.

Maybe that's my own original idea. It's much better than that. Hey, now we got something. No, it's not original. That was Brandon's idea, actually. That's good. I got one. Okay.

Hit us. Okay. You guys ready for this? Yeah. All right. There's a... I play like a New York City cab driver. Okay.

Right? I'm just sick of all that. Are you foreign? Are you foreign? Do you say no? Thank you very much. No, I'm like an Italian kind of guy. Okay.

I'm just sick of all that. How about... Here's a... It's a biopic about Adam's life, Ernest Borgnein plays Adam. He goes to jail for raping an eight-year-old Korean girl and while in prison, while being violently sodomized as payback, he befriends a Muslim guy and then they try and solve Israel Palestine from prison by being gay with each other. But it turns out the guy was a terrorist all along.

And it's the guy from the night of. Yeah. Rez, Rez Ahmed. The problem is that Ernest Borgnein has a no-gay sex clause in his contract. So you get a double. Yeah. You get an Ernest Borgnein double. Okay.

We can't get Borgnein. Who do we get to play Adam? Someone gay, Jewish. I don't know. He's probably... He's five-hole Finkelstein. Yeah. Is he alive still?

Five-ish. Five-ish. Five-ish Finkelstein. Five-ish Finkel, I think it's this. Five-ish Finkel. Yeah. We get five-ish. You can play Adam.

Was he in the monsters? If someone were to play me, it would probably be the guy, Chris Moltesanti, that guy. Michael Imperiali. Michael Imperiali. No. Nick was saying actually when we were watching those Gothsons. We were watching the other day he was saying something incredibly woke, which is like, look at how big Michael Imperiali's nose is.

Why do we have to say that about Jews when they're all types of people with big noses? No, when I said Italians have the biggest schnazzes. Bigger schnazzes? He was just being old-school racist. He was counting Italians as a different race. What I said literally was Italians are worse than Jews. When it comes to that, there's nothing woke about that statement at all. Thank you for saying I'm not the worst, and I appreciate that.

Also, I don't know, pound for pound, nose for nose, I think Jews still... My nose isn't that big. It's Italians. There's a lot of little nose Italians though. I don't see a lot of little nose Jews. Sure. Yes, there are. There are plenty.

I don't think so. Yes, there are. Name one. I know like a bunch. Name one. Yeah, but you always go by... Sara Goldberg. Sara Goldberg.

Yeah. Rachel Bergman. Bergman. Bergman. Pretty sure that woman who got her face chewed off by that chimpanzee was Jewish. That's why the nose attracted the chin. She doesn't even have a nose anymore. Oh, that's true.

All right, you get her. I'll give you her. Yeah. That counts. That's okay. What a dumb story. What a hilarious dumb story. I mean, what the fuck kind of dumb bitch are you?

You're gonna fucking bring a chimp into your home? A dumb wild animal. I know. Was it at her friend's chimp? She was friends with the woman who owned the chimp. I thought it was the woman who owned the chimp. No, it was... Either way, you're hanging out with a fucking chimp like it's your friend and not a wild animal.

I think in popular culture, chimps are presented as nice, but in real life, they're really mean and strong. Yeah, they're mean as shit. They're super strong. Now who's unwoke? Yeah. I'm just saying I don't trust them. Yeah, very funny.

I'm not saying that as a joke. Yeah, we all know who you're talking about, dude. You get it. Yeah, I was talking about the animal, but your tone, Adam, is kind of weird, dude. What do you mean my tone? We know what you mean. All right. I was talking about literal chimps and you chimpanzees.

You were winking every time you said chimps. Yeah, you kept winking. I don't understand what... I'm pointing to a durag on the floor. Yeah. Why is there a durag? I keep on the floor. Yeah, pointing durag.

My secret signal. What I call the silent alarm of racism. The silent alarm. Fuck, we should just have a bunch. Is that racist if you just carry around little artifacts, like a little gong, a little dreidel. Point to him when you want to say something racist about him. I don't know. Is that racist?

I don't know, guys. I don't know. That should rebrand Lucky Charms as like a racist serial. And all the marshmallows should be like different. I love it. Like, you know, like a fucking little blackface guy. Swastika. Yeah, swastika.

That'd be cool. For kids. Yeah. Well, to learn about heritage. Yeah. It's history, baby. I love it. I also draw a dick on Tony the Tiger.

That's another change I would make if I was General Mills. To draw a dick, like, as like a graffiti to the face of him? No, he should have a realistic penis, a flaccid penis, obviously. And the tip of it is blue. I'm sure it's on deviant art. It definitely is. Of course it is. It's the only reason I'm thinking about it.

We've all seen it. You've seen it. I've sent it to the chat numerous times. We've talked about this. The three of us have talked about it. It's just no joke about it that you can steal. I read the text messages. And you know what I like the most about the text messages?

The respect. Now the respect from the podcast carries over to the text messages. We're like your boyfriend, Val Kilmer, on the TV. Yeah. The once in a j... The greatest actor of our generation, Val Kilmer. I really... I'm sorry.

You can't convince me otherwise. I think he's one of the greatest actors in the world. He's just fine. No, I disagree. And he was hot back in the day. I think he's amazing. He was a beautiful man. Yeah, he's sexy back there.

Look how incredible looking he is. That is the movie star right there. Yeah. That guy kind of looks like Soder. Him and Sebastian Bach, the two most beautiful men. What was the name of that band, Skid Row? Skid Row. Skid Row.

Oh, what was that? Bang bang, shoot him up. Yeah. How's he gonna fucking have that name, dude? Skid Row, dude. Sebastian Bach. He's Canadian, isn't he? I have no idea.

They had a couple good hits. What was the fucking... There's the one where it's like... Amadeus Mozart. No. The one where like the kid fucks up. I don't know anything about it. The narrative is a...

Hair Rock. 18 in life. 18 in life. That's a big one. That's a good one. And then they had like a slower, one of those like power ballads. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't listen to much of that.

I was listening to more of Joan Baez's socks. I don't know why they fucking... That's your mental banter, dude. I love that shit, dude. Like fucking hell. That music was the worst. It was like Queen's Rike. No.

I never fuck with Queen's Rike. I like some Molly Crue, though. Well, it was all because of Priest and... Early Molly Crue rules. Yeah. No. Judas Priest is good. No.

Maiden and Priest were good, and then everyone tried to rip it off. Iron Maiden's whatever. Maiden rules. Hair metal is a different category. Oh, yes. You're confusing. You're confusing the new wave of British heavy metal with hair metal. Yeah.

Well, I think that's what the Sunset strip... No. Label's kind of like shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what movie captures that scene really? That. That scene really well is fucking Air Heads. Do you ever see that movie?

I loved Air Heads when I was a kid. Me too. I watched it all the time. I would watch... No, not on Comedy Central. I had a team from Blockbuster and VHS, and I would fucking watch that movie every... It's incredible. I love that movie.

It's incredible. Boosh Emmys in it, dude. It's really funny. I don't remember if it holds up, but I loved it as a child. And it's really weird that Adam Sandler... It was before Sandler was like a star. And Brennan Frasier. And Brennan Frasier.

It was before Sandler was like... And Kramer. Yes. Kramer is stuck in a vent. He's in a vent. The whole movie. The whole movie. Good Kramer shit.

Just doing fucking physical comedy. No n-words. Was he ever... Did he... Anything other than Seinfeld? Did he fucking have a role? Yeah, he had his own show. The Michael Richards show.

I remember that. That sucked. But I mean like, was there... Because that was a good role for him. Because he's just doing Kramer shit. Yeah, he was in a couple of other movies. Yeah, just... Oh, yeah, he was in that movie, that Weird Al movie, right?

UHF. UHF. That's good. I know I don't fuck with Weird Al's songs. But that movie was... Oh, no. Fuck off, dude. Whatever, dude.

I used to love that shit. Yeah. It doesn't matter. The point is that one was good. You're just mad because of that fat song. I am mad. You probably loved Weird Al and then that song came out and you were like 12. What?

And you were like... What? Come on, man! Mr. Yankovich. That's the first letter I wrote. That's the first letter I wrote. Oh. Oh.

You're shoving him all down your mouth. Didn't Coolio get mad at him about Amish Paradise? Yeah. That's a serious song about, like... You're a gangster paradise. About gangsters. Yeah. Filled with a bunch of warning-do rags on the floor.

Where did that come from? I don't know. That's funny. I just said it. That's so funny. I was being racist. That's such a weird thing to think of. It is a weird thing to think of.

You should probably remember it and then forget where you were. Yeah. You should bring it up in Tupac. Yes. Stop it. Stop it right now. Stop tarnishing my name. I can't wait until you say...

There's cocoa butter on the floor that you can't even point to. The character assassination. Live at the greatest comedy show of all time. On June 20th. I'm gonna wear some shitty Williamsburg bar. Where is it? What's it called? I don't know, dude.

Can you stop it? No. Can you stop it? No, dude. I'm fucking Negativity Central. Whatever. Who gives a shit? I don't care anymore.

I don't give a shit either. What the fuck were we just talking about? I mean, you're supposed to get old and be bitter, right? Yeah, but you're like 23 years old. We're not that old. Oh, by the way, to the whole squad. Yeah, but I'm HIV positive. Yo, follow me on Instagram.

My life's shaved off. Oh, yeah, Stavi Baby's back. By the sexy bug. Stavi Baby, too. Follow your boy. I'm back. I'm back in the midst. It ain't a gimmick.

It's art. You know what, man? The best thing that ever happened to you was having that account shut down. No. Listen, we can shit on Adam's dumb things that are going on in his life. But this isn't telling you, man. This is my shit. At least I'm not trying to pigeonholing yourself.

Yeah. I'm going to be a model, dude. You're not going to stop me. I'm going to be a plus-size model. I'm going to be in fucking magazines. That was like fat juice thing. What if you lose weight? No.

I can lose weight? I still rock that shit. No, you can't do it anymore if you're like healthy. Wow, all bodies are beautiful, Adam. Apparently not mine. You guys were shitting on my legs earlier. Except you boys. All bodies except yours.

I have a very nice toned body. And your little ass fucking toothpick legs. I have nice legs and I just choose to sit gaily with them. No. No, you don't. Yes, I do. And it's a choice. It's a neurological choice.

Like being gay. What? Anyway, you are sitting in a hilarious position right now. Adam is presenting his asshole to me. I remember being a kid and knowing that it was wrong to sit that way. On your side with your legs folded up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would never be caught dead doing that.

What about this? That's fine. Now you look alpha. I feel you. That's like a Moroccan businessman. My friend, please come here to look at me, please. I used to think when I was a kid. We have big pipe to smoke together.

What do they do in Morocco? I know they don't drink. They smoke hookah. They got spicy foods. They pack mad hooks, dude. They taste spices. Me and my friend, please sit here to taste spice. Please, you come here to taste spice with me.

Morocco's fly home in carpet. They wear little fezzes, dude. What are they doing? Fezz. The home of the fezz. That's where Zidane is from. Zidane's Moroccan, Zinedine. Yeah, but you play for France.

I love how the French soccer team is just really good African dudes from French-speaking African countries. Yeah, and then people are like, oh, colonialism is bad. Yeah. One negative effect. Zinedine's the Don. Patrick Vieira. See, Don's the fucking, now he's managing. He's fucking not just headbutting.

Yeah, he won the Champions League. Yeah, dude. I want to start like a fake petition to get Colonial Williamsburg shut down. I bet you could do it. I bet you could fucking get them to shut down Colonial Williamsburg. Let's try it. He's starting off with a stink. Or how about this?

Because it's just as bad as like, you know, heritage, not hate, right? Colonialism is bad. Let's turn Brooklyn Williamsburg into Colonial Williamsburg. I already made that joke on the show. Oh my God. When did you win? When we were getting into the show, I did a joke about it. Today?

No. Win. On the podcast at one point, I made a joke. Run the tape. About how both of them are sort of Colonial Williamsburg, if you think about it. It's a pretty obvious connection to make. Oh, now you're shitting on the joke you tried to steal. How would I steal a joke?

You fucking parasite. You've stolen from me. Both of you. I've never stolen anything from you. Yes, you both. Oh yeah, we both tweeted gay political shit to try and get retweeted on purpose. By the flower kids. That's what we've stolen.

I've stole that joke to me about being so fat that I have to pee a lot. That's my joke. That's your joke. Yeah, and Nick stole the joke from me about Harambe. Yeah, it ticks out for Harambe. That meme that I started. Great meme. Yeah, we started that meme.

Well, we're bringing it back, actually. We literally should. That would be hilarious. Yo, what's up? It ticks out for Harambe. Is it long enough for it to be ironically funny? No, it's not long enough, which makes it funnier, right? No, it's too soon.

Harambe will never cycle back in because it was like instantly passed through the not funny anymore phase to it's already going to be ironically funny in perpetuity. Right, right. And so it never was funny and it never will be funny. It was funny. But it will be funny. You loved it. The day it started.

Because it's not funny. Because it's not funny. It went immediately to... What I'm saying is it'll be funny in terms of making Brandon mad. Oh, yeah. To make fun of Brandon is funny. And you're confusing me writing a good stand-up bit about a thing that happened. Yeah, you have a thing in your act about it.

No, but it's a different joke. I mean, I can write a joke about something that happens. It's not a meme. It's not me thinking it's just funny that a gorilla is named Harambe. No, but you thought that the social, you know, the reaction to it was funny. That's what everyone was responding to. No, I wrote a joke about it because I'm a comedian and that's my job. Well, okay.

So, there's a difference. I wonder how much you made from that joke. $150,000. Okay, that's incorrect. Yeah, do you even have a fucking account at the comedian store? That's where me and Nico, we get paid out for our bits when we write them. Yeah, let's start listing off clubs that we've worked at. We'll all do it.

All three of us. We're going to list off. You want to start in New York? Yeah, sure. All right. Caroline's good club. New York comedy club? Yeah, that one's good.

You've never performed there, Adam. Adam, your turn. I enjoyed performing at the Comedy Cellar, actually. Oh, really? I was at the Village Underground. Which one did you at? I was at the main room, the Comedy Cellar, the cellar part, actually. If anyone who listens to the show knows the people of the Comedy Cellar, feel free to

tell them that Adam Friedland is going around telling people he's a past cellar comedian. That's fun. He's doing it maliciously to sully the name. Can I tell you about my night last night? Yeah. No. I went out, bought a slice of pizza. Oh, good.

We all know where this one's going. You just stung. I bought a slice of pizza. You came out of the cellar. But I only ate half the pizza because I'm such a slob. There are cunts. My daughters are being cunts. What about your ex-wife?

I found this night. Her ex-wife's black. I found this YouTube video. It was either YouTube or Vine or Twitter or something. Oh, the German? Yeah. There's this German guy that was like, yo, here it is. Well, Louis gets the pizza on that Louis.

I was like, video taping the West Village and screaming. That's awesome. Where's that? Where's the pizza? Manetta. What's the place called? I don't know. But it's right on the corner.

Yeah. It's right on the corner. It's like Ben's or some shit. Ben's. Yeah, yeah, that's it. They have a fucking sign that says, it says like artichoke special. Yes. It's called special, S-P-I-C-I-A-L.

Yes. But there is an artichoke by there, artichoke pizzas. Yeah. Fuck artichoke pizza. Artichoke pizza sucks, dude. It's not New York style pizza. It's creamy. It isn't, no.

And the bread is all fucking thick. It's thick. Yeah. That's bullshit. I like a thin crust. Nice little thin crust. I like a Chicago style fork and knife kind of pizza. What if we open one of those here in New York?

A real pie. A real pie. You know, though, I will say Pizza Hut has some doughy ass delicious crust. I agree. I haven't had a Pizza Hut in a minute. Pizza, Pizzeria Uno? Yeah, I remember that place. They have one on like 73rd or something.

There's one in a story actually, very close to me. Yeah. I've only been to a couple of them, but I like them. Do you remember it, man? I'm a fan of Pizzeria Uno. Do you remember Round Table? Huh? Round Table Pizza?

Yeah. It was like a King Arthur style pizza. Isn't that what Herman Cain owned? No, Godfather. Godfather. That's right. Round Table. What does King Arthur style mean?

It was just that it had kind of a night aesthetic. What is a pizza place? Yeah. Yeah. Little Caesars. What's his name? Yeah, what's his name? Pizza restaurant.

Yeah, let's do it. But $5 hot and ready? Pretty good deal. When I was working at the damn paint store, I would scarf down a couple of those. You know what? Instead of getting steaks, we should go to Pizza Hut, boys. No, dude. I'm a paleo warrior.

I want to go to a Pizza Hut restaurant. I haven't had a good... You know what? I ordered so much good New York pizza that I haven't had a shitty pizza in a long time. I went to the Papa John's in Chinatown one time and got a large pizza there. Yeah. The menu's all in Chinese. Hell yeah, it's just sea urchin pizza.

Yeah. It was great. I was in your comedy club, again, a comedy club that I perform at. Where is that? Where is it? I don't know. I'm more into the avant-garde. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The avant-garde performance spaces. Getting booked. Getting booked is hack, right? Yeah. Is that how you feel? Well, I think... I love to be on comedy shows where the people that I consider contemporaries have never actually done stand-up.

I like to be the only... They're not even considered funny people. I like to be the only non-feminist tweet reader on a show. I like that. That's my vibe, guys. That's my wheelhouse. But yeah, Alexis Guerrero, you know how he fucking always talks about how he loves pizza and shit. Yeah.

He claimed he had never... He talks about he loves every type of food. I know, but he claimed he had never seen a Papa John's pizza in his life. Never seen one. Never seen one. And we were just like, shut the fuck up. You've seen it. Like, that doesn't mean you've eaten it.

Anyway, Robbie Slowick just bought you Papa John's pizza. One of my favorite things about Alexis is like, I've never once interacted with that guy where food doesn't come up. Of course, no. Ever. Ever. Absolutely. He's like a pizza guy.

I love it, though. I mean, I'm a gourmand myself. Yeah. No, it's part. I like pizza tours. But he fucking... There's one time I was standing outside of a club and I heard him talking to somebody else. And he was saying something like, oh, yeah.

And there's this other play, which is Secret Bakery. It's not open to the public yet. Secret Bakery. That's the highest level of fat guy shit, knowing serious, just fucking obese people. Licking fucking frosting off each other's fingers. Fuck. Yeah. But yeah, so Robbie ordered a Papa John's pizza and I had a slice for old time's sake.

That was my family's pizza of choice growing up. It was Papa John's and then later, Phillipo's. I didn't discover Papa John's until I was an adult. Really? My stepsisters loved Domino's. They would order from Domino's. Domino's sucked when we were kids, though. Domino's is the absolute worst.

It's the worst. It still sucks. It's a little better now. It's not good, but they would only order Domino's and then I became an adult and I started ordering Papa John's. The app is cool. And it's the best pizza in the world. Yeah. As far as the shitty pizza.

Yeah, yeah. The shitty pizza. The shitty pizza is the best. The shitty pizza. I think I put that in a different division. Pizza Hut isn't like a delivery. Growing up Pizza Hut was delivery. No, maybe in Vegas.

In Vegas, not in Maryland. I think some place is delivered, but it was a rarity to actually see Pizza Hut. When my family ordered Pizza Hut, we would get Pizza Hut. Well, well, well. We get it. It's also a pizza Hut. I'm pretty sure Pizza Hut doesn't work. You're fucking loaded, dude.

Gaddys Pizza, Papa John's, Domino's. Never heard of Gaddys. They all operate on the same. Like it's, you go in the kitchen and it looks identical. Right, right, right. They have the same make line. Industrial. Yeah.

And it's like a process to like, once you order the pizza, it'll be like in the oven in like four and a half minutes. Yes. They have like people from corporate that come by. Right, right, right. I was actually working at Domino's when I started doing stand up. And I like, one of the first bits I did was about like the corporate inspection process at Domino's.

Like they send a fucking woman from Domino's corporate that like literally counts the pepperonis on the pizza. How many pepperonis? On a large. On an extra large, I think it's like 25 pepperonis or something. Shit. Very nice. That's quality control.

It's bullshit. It's what it is. Who's fucking cap? My favorite moment in all my time working in Pizza was this Indian family that used to call into the Domino's and they would order a vegetarian pizza and they'd be like, and it is very important that the cutter does not use a meat pizza also. And so it has to be a different cutter to cut the pizza. And I'd be like, oh yeah, absolutely.

Of course. And then just immediately just cut right. Yeah. Rub pepperoni. Of course. Fuck you. Because it's not an allergy thing. It's just stupid fucking religion.

Right, right, right. I think it's a smart religion. Personally, I think all religions are beautiful. Don't touch my PlayStation controllers. Why? Put your fucking hands off them. I'm not touching anything. Which religion are we talking about?

Adam's going to come back as a toilet in India. That's what he's going to be reincarnated as. Yeah, well. A big shit-eating toilet. I want to be reincarnated as me, but with a bigger dick. That's one of my ideas. Hell yeah, dude. That's a badass.

That's a cool caste system. Exactly the same as me. But big ass things, dude. You'll know you're reaching Nirvana when your dick is just like 14 inches long. Well, Bodi Dharma's legs fell off because he sat and meditated for so long. But I think it's because his dick was so big. So big, dude. He got his dick hard and cut off the circulation.

Whose legs fell off? Bodi Dharma. Who's that? The first Zen monk. Dharma from Dharma and Greg's dick. Actually, I've done that joke. No, you haven't. I did episode 11.

Yeah, episode 11. Yeah, if you want to run the tape. Yeah, I'd love to run the tape. All right, but if you don't, if we run it back and you didn't do it, we get to break your glasses. Why do you get to break my glasses? Can somebody check if a good cowboy's out there? No one's checking. No one is checking.

In fact, I almost feel like you might have stolen a Dharma and Greg joke from one of us. It feels like you did. When? I don't know, but it feels that way. Did you actually even watch Dharma and Greg? Because I did. I did, too. I remember it.

Who was in it? Dharma and Greg. It was that guy, Eric, something, that played Greg. What's the name? What was the woman's name? Nope, his name's Greg. Not in real life. What was the woman's name?

The character's name is Greg. Jenna Elfman. Jenna Elfman. Jenna Elfman. It's a guy named Greg on the show, and a woman named Dharma. Oh, wow, because I just made that joke. That's what joke. I'm describing the show to you.

He asked me what the people's name was, and I said Dharma and Greg. And then you, 20 seconds later. No, you said it was a guy named Eric. You said, you had to back me up here, but that's a cop. Oh, you said stop, back me up. What was he going to do? You said Eric. He said Eric, guys.

Oh, because you're the captain? You said Eric. You said to the boss, he has to back you up, obviously. First of all, obviously he's going to back you up. Nick is a fuck. What was Nick? Sov is a fucking union scab. He's not going to, yeah, he would not stand by my side.

You're not in the union. No, we're in the... You can't be in the union and be the boss. You can't be in the union. What the fuck are you talking about? No, we're in union. You're the boss. Wait, what was your name?

We're our boss. Pussymouth. That was your nickname. Pussymouth? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm Big Pussymouth. I'm Candy Lips. I'm Big Pussymouth, bumpin' Sarah.

You know what's a great movie? What? Joyride. Yeah. Oh, with Steve Zahn, Paul Walker, and I forget who the girl is. Let's get Paul back under the hood. Let's get him on the podcast. It's got a nude Paul Walker in there.

Oh, front nude? Fully nude. You see his cock? His dick going into his own mouth. His dick is the most socal dick I've ever seen. Yeah. He's got a visor on it. Yeah.

He had him cut his... Pooke and necklace. He got circumcised animals. He had him cut his foreskin into an upside down visor. One of his ball hairs has like beaded hairs. Yeah, cool. Paxon. I remember being intimidated by that story when I was a kid.

Me too. I swear to God. I thought it was too cool for me. Yeah. I'm not even kidding. That's exactly how I felt. I'm like, does for cool kids go? Yeah.

That's so fucking funny. I swear to God, that's how I felt. I did not feel ready for fucking Paxon, dude. I would just go to Value City and hope there was Billabong there. Like, discount Billabong in Value City. Yeah. I'll get it from DJ Max. I remember I had a Quint Silver wallet.

It was as close as I could get. I remember I had a Quint Silver wallet. I remember I had a Quint Silver wallet. I remember I had a Quint Silver wallet. I remember I had a Quint Silver wallet. I remember I had a Quint Silver wallet. I remember I had a Quint Silver wallet. I saw cockfields wallet one time and he still uses one of those like velcro

hilarious yeah, they just Yeah, the like three-fold isn't a man's wall like that like oh, that's what that's a big boy's wall. That's a fucking What do you think of it? No mice and smooth. I Want to get a good one here cash on me. You don't carry cash. No crypto currency dude. How you call yourself a man then? What did these men carry cash? No, that's what being a man is all about. How about give me your wallet? No, let's see your wall No, I brought his purse with him No, you can't go back. Yeah, here. There's a diva cup in here

some tampons Rocks and Gays book I Don't think it's nice to call her at that name. What is that not her name? Rocks and put on the red velvet Fuck yeah, dude stop do you believe in her? Her are you like do you identify with her fat stuff dude? I'm first and foremost. I'm fat Yeah, then I'm everything else American Greek Greek number one no no a fat Christian Greek American

lover Son, that's it dude. That's the hierarchy. What about comic? Comic comic last no, I appreciate that, you know, you know, what's yours consumer racist? shorts Laser tag Enthusiasts laser tag. You know mine. Yeah number one Israel number two Number two friends of chap. Oh good friends good friends with Chapa number three extension Sort of friends with the number three went to DSA meeting one time and paid the membership fee number four

Crypto gay number five number five girl version of the Pfizer That's not nice, I know it's not nice to me. It's a double whammy Nobody can get mad at me because in your then that tells me something about how you feel about gender absolutely That's what you call a gotcha Operation Can I just say my number five Oh, man stop we got to get this feel a tracksuit dude. I've been looking online for feel a track suits I can't find any good ones. No, look at the lawyer feel it. Yeah, that was I want the one Pauley has

Yeah, Adam don't pretend like you're involved It was my stop literally owned numerous tracks I own a lot of these we've had the podcast we did a bit. Yeah, dude We do a didn't we do a better tracksuit. I was stealing money from the truck to buy tracks Can we do a fake go fund me? Wasn't that one of the best we did? Yeah, and it wasn't fake. It was real Just find find me and nix go fund me Yeah, your friend thing that you guys with with your tracks look, we're not friends. We're both in the union You're the boss and you give us zero benefits. Oh shit. You trying to strike for fucking dental dude

I'm not trying to strike. I appreciate everything What a bitch dude, no you're the union No, no, no, I'm gonna get replaced you with cheap Chinese labor. Yeah, I'm gonna get an Asian guy Can we try that one? Can you do some time cheap Chinese ever? Okay, this week a grand green wall And then he just does whatever you do I never talk about Glenn Greenwald on this I respect him too much Is he is he is he the guy who beat you so you suck off a kid or is that? Yeah, that's Alan Dershowitz dude. I don't know. Um, well, that's what he's doing in Brazil No, he's just legally married to his not it. He went to Brazil. He went to Brazil cuz he's a hero

He got you go to the kids hit puberty at three Yeah, it was so fucking funny that in British society like Like a while a while back boys weren't allowed to wear pants until 15. Yeah Yeah, yeah, boys always wear my favorite is like old-timey pictures They may they put like little boys in like dresses and sailor outfits. Oh, it's so good Oh, I got one of my sailor outfit. Yeah, I'm gonna share that. I'm gonna find that next time I go to Baltimore I look cute as hell dude. All right. Well, so what are we doing? We're wrapping this up here. How much time? I do have a spot. We're 105. Oh nice. All right, so

Don't we have a show coming up Adam? Monday the 26th we have a show would come on everybody Funny moms the whole squad will be there We don't know the lineup yet, but it's gonna be good as hell and Follow me on Instagram stavi baby to sta vvy baby to you know time to fucking bring body positivity back Um, so thank you for listening to come town. Yeah, we don't have to stall for more time. We're done. All right. Goodbye everyone