The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 57 – My Wonder Woman Review

Episode Date: June 23, 2017

I went to see the wonder woman movie with chapo. Theyre doing a review of the show. I did my own. Here's my take: it's gay. it gets three gays down.

Check I'm gay. So I went and saw a Wonder Woman finally. Oh, I've been trying to spend sold out for months Because they you know they charge more for Men women to get in They'll offset the wage gap. They give they make it more money for women. That makes sense But it all went to that girl gal Gadot's yeah Well, I went to it went to buying pebble shields for the idea to defend them against Lebanese the children Lebanese children are heroes

Yeah, no they charge women more because women don't understand how money works. Ah, they say okay Well, the men's price is 73% of what the women pay and the women are like fuck. Yeah, of course is more brass That's we're empowered by paying more Because their husband is by everything. Oh, I see. Yeah, so they're not so you're just the first time many women have actually They've used currency. They don't understand transactions. Okay, you got to buy the ticket with the Harriet Tubman 20 Which costs $27 to purchase. Oh Those are out. Oh if you're if you're a woman. Oh, see you got to be a member of Birchbox to get that Yeah, that's the only way to do feminism is by buying a series of subscription services. Yeah, that's true until

Until you've completely depleted your disposable income on empowering yourself We should create like slay box or something and it's just like Hillary Clinton bumper stickers and like Beyonce Well when when that that right that kind of that should already exist really yeah when this when the safety pin box Oh, there was a box to do a subscription services that teaches black people how to how to like be better black people As an answer to the safety pin box. Oh, so what does it have? Well, it's it's got a watch in there that set 20 minutes early. So you're always on time for things You know, I tells you when to say please and thank you every week. There's like a new word to avoid using Uh-huh like what different like turns of phrase like for the simple fact that it tells you not to say things like

Don't ever start a sentence with for the simple fact that The fact of the matter is hmm, you know stuff like that. Yeah Not so much the obvious stuff like this isn't a place to find out that you should pull up your pants, you know, right? This is more be covered that right. This is sort of like more of like an advanced Escape and escape. Do they cover that? No, see because that's just racist This is for people look. It's not my job to educate It's not my job to educate It's your job to trick that into your box. Yeah, now it's turning into my making it

I'm making it a way for me to get paid to educate people But it's not my job to enact the emotional labor. I see, you know, which is a form of slavery Making me feel things slavery. Mm-hmm That's so fucking true. Yeah Well, that's good. We got that box. That's a good. That's a good money making venture that we can I wonder if how many people are I imagine being the kind of fucking they got the same ring piece of shit weasley Asshole that buys the safety pin box. I mean what's in there for real? It's I you know what? I guarantee you they're not even like fulfilling orders. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

I'm sure they're just collecting the fucking money and then it became like yeah All you buy is they email you a screenshot that you can put on your Twitter. There's only so many things I mean those people like recycle the the talking points so much. I mean everybody does but like There's a limit to that woke bullshit. You get like three It's not like you know birchbox is a great idea because there's always more makeup. It's birchbox make up a lot of snacks. I Mean, that's a Yeah, I've just been eating I love dude. Yeah, stop as a monthly subscription in Nutragrain bars

Get to say select whatever flavors I want. It's awesome It's called juice box juice box. That's good. We should start that a Subscription food service Amazon kind of already does that I mean there's so many of them. Yeah Yeah, Wonder Woman was fucking terrible. Yeah, I didn't see it yet, but I was excited. I'm kind of I guess it was bad Well, the scripts really fucking stupid. Yeah, you know, that's what everyone says the script was kind of dog shit And then explaining shit. Yeah, and then it's like they when matrix two came out and they started that like Superman style of fight choreography where it's like two different people that can control lasers that come out of their hands, right? And they're just using the force to make bigger and bigger explosions. I thought Wonder Woman's a shield

Yeah, it's a shield, but then you know, it's like the final fight is her and this other guy throwing lightning at each other And they're both got lightning. She gets lightning. Yeah, and it's like there's no I thought she had the lasso, too Yeah, it's it's bull shit. Oh, yeah, that's the last We watch police story the other day and you watch police story and it's fucking awesome to watch that because it's like you're talking about Jackie Chan Cold choreography and they like have to compose all of these fight scenes that these guys act out And then you watch something like Wonder Woman and it's like, oh, I'm just gonna stand here and look determined Right now women by waiting for the fucking editor to put some giant laser on the screen and there's a big explosion is that go the guy dead

Oh, no, he's not now. He's just on fire right and then the but then the fire turns into a different kind of laser Oh fuck. There's two lasers. I don't know. So that sounds pretty shit, dude and what like that the Worst example of that is like the final fight scene from Matrix 3 With Neo and the Jesus one. Yeah, that happens in that with Lee comes back from the dead Yeah, agent Smith and they're just like, you know, they're punching each other But both of them are like the strongest guy in the world, you know, this is born. Yeah There was watching like, you know, Jackie Chan fucking use a coat rack to do

Yeah, I blame that on the coat rack karate on three different guys at one time. That shit's awesome Hanging by bamboo and shit. Yeah injuring himself in real life. Yeah, I blame it on the transformers That's just watching the CGI thing fight a CGI thing. It was the Matrix the one I said in the beginning. All right It's who's fault is Um, yeah, I haven't seen it. I might still see it. I don't know dude but I Haven't I saw I saw a predator. It was good to shit. I saw Purple Rain. Have you guys seen Purple Rain? The Prince movie. Yeah, of course. Yeah fucking it was it was a horrible movie, but it was fun

Yeah, Prince is a bad guy in that dude. He makes apollonia fucking Take her titties out and the other guys are better dude to her. That's my hot take on Purple Rain, dude All right, or his day actually all he's trying to do is help her out. You know Prince fucks her doesn't help her Yeah, you know what I'm saying pretty fucked up and however, here's my takeaway apollonia beautiful titties Wow hot take that she is really hot coming in hot with about a subscription service called breast box now We're talking just email you pictures of your wife's breasts you up front You send us a bunch of pictures of your wife's breasts and then we send them back to you. Oh

Every month because you know what it's not my job to educate What about head box, what do you guys think that is a subscription? It's the box from the movie seven. Yep You see a different severed head No, you have no Good movie. I want to see it. There's like a there's like a box and you don't know what's in it That's full fiction. No, you don't know what's in the box in seven either. Yeah, but no I don't see why it's the Dead baby. Oh man that they sucked out of the woman's pussy. Yeah, nice. Oh, what's in the box?

That's what he says and then everyone says that whenever people bring up that movie they do their what's in the box impression Because everyone has a unique personality And in no way does everyone you know have fun the same exact way not just Doing a character That they saw someone else do I love me. That's what that's what makes us great is we always do original ass characters Yeah, and we don't like anything. I don't like anything and I have the most original character of all which is In the in apartment broker. That's a good one. Yeah, it's good. Who can't say the word views

Yes, that's a great one because he mixes up W's and V's. Yeah, give the people a little taste So this is one of the greatest apartments on Brooklyn. I love this apartment Because it has one of the greatest wolves in the city. It's we use its wolves I'm sorry. There's wolves in this apartment. No, it's the greatest wolf in the city the best I've got one called the horny teddy bear do it

I want to fuck you. I'm a horny teddy bear. I want to suck your cock It sounds a lot like Jeffrey your other character. No, that's my car. That's his this doesn't sound anything like Jeffrey Yeah, it doesn't do Jeffrey. That's also not a character. I really do. That's not really fleshed out That one's in the oven until I make some phone calls I'm like the Indian guy in the horny teddy bear. The teddy bear is bisexual by the way I want to taste cum, but also pussy That's good. That's the horny teddy bear I was also our teddy grams good for you. No. Yeah, they are no. Yeah. Yeah, they're good. No, there's too sweet

I think I think they're like crackers, which are a health food They've got superfoods. I used to think that when I was a kid. I was like, oh, yeah, saltines are like healthy They're not candy How do you need an entire box saltines and that's like good for me? Fuck I remember that shit. I used to think about food. Yeah drinking like Three Arizona iced tea tall boys. Oh, yeah, I mean like nice iced tea Yeah, tea drinking when you're sick Chinese monks drink. Yeah. Yeah. I'm basically the queen of England Show me a show me a fat Shaolin monk

You can't do it, dude. I'm gonna get good at karate from drinking all this Arizona iced tea like a Hopi Indian And my fucking house made out of corn I pray to my corn god and drink my Arizona iced tea Live at the bottom of the Grand Canyon Talk to spirits and the wind Oh Fuck also Gatorade. I just think Gatorade was just yeah, so good for you sports

Dude, I would run for like 20 minutes and just drink three big-ass Gatorades. Uh-huh god that shit ruled What was your flavor of Gatorade? Yeah, it was your red red's good I did yellow because I was coming my pants too much. So I needed to lower my sperm count Oh, oh that that mountain dude. That's what everyone said. Yeah. Yeah adam sperm count is one He has one sperm Just a fuck just an empty-ass balls You can see it swimming his balls are just completely tripled and you can see the one sperm moving around All right, we gotta delete this

His nutsack just looks like a teabag that's been sitting on the kitchen counter for three days It looks like he has a little tape worm, but it's just the one sperm Riggling that's not true guys. You know, I'm a heavy flow You know, I'm do you come heavy? Yeah, I'm a thick shooter. Are you a thick shooter? Yeah. Oh nice, dude My shit depends entirely on like how much water I've had really might as if I've jerked off that day or not Of course the longer you jerk off. I'm like chronically dehydrated I never drink a lot of coffee. I do I drink a lot of diuretics Yeah coffee. This is also bad for your stomach too cranberry juice. Yeah

Oh I need to I need to moisturize the lotion your balls. No my whole body Dehydration a lot of people think you have to drink water, but you can just you put lotion. Yeah, that's true That's why black people never drink water, dude. Yeah They drink nothing but soda and they cover themselves with lotion That's why they this I've never Reading that somewhere like on the bodybuilding forums one time It's like somebody's like why are black people always more jack than white people and someone's not because

This is what not Because they're darker What yeah, it's a darker. So the muscles look better It's like, yeah, that's the reason it has nothing to do with slavery And like selective breathing. Yeah selective like breeding when we like stole them from Africa And treated them like cattle for and also isn't there like more bio diversity? Isn't there like more diversity of people in Africa like everyone's like Yeah, but most African Americans are West African. Oh really the slave trade. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know shit

Oh, yeah, isn't that what you were saying about Oprah saying she? Yeah, yeah, she thought she was Zulu I am a Zulu warrior No, you're from you're from Ghana. Um, what was I gonna say? Oh, I also want to ask what do you find the longer you beat off? And then you finally come the bigger it is Do you see what I'm saying? Like if you get more But no, no, no, but I mean, I don't mean like the longer you beat off even you know what I mean Like let's say you're beating off. I've max. I've like I've perfected beating off to the point where I barely come at this point

You barely come I don't even need to be fully hard. I barely come I only really hard. I don't really know. I'm just kidding But I I could jerk off at a nice 80 percenter sperm count one sperm count one. No, that's why you can't you don't come That's because you only have you have to choke it back. That's the name of Adam's plane that he rides around I Get off my plane. I want my plane back Give me back my sperm. Yeah, there's a jar full of your old cum and you have to put it back into your body stole my

Do you think someone could someone steal your cum from your balls with a syringe? I don't know how that works. I'm gonna doctor. Yeah, we need to get a doctor on the on the horn What adam does when he has sex with a girl is let's hear it He he's like And then like he's I just want everyone to know that shut up true. It's just fuck up. I'm doing this thing And he rolls her over. He's like I'm about to come and then he like starts jerking off on her lower back And she's like looking around. He's like, don't don't look. I can't do it if you're looking And then so she turns around and then he talks farts out all of the old cum in his ass. There we go

Oh, yeah from another guy from a guy fucking him. He pretends it's his I think a veteran He had lots of veteran sex with him. So he steals valor. Is that part of the wounded warrior project? I just want to say the wounded warrior I think that was my idea for a charity for sexually assaulted veterans It's good that you're helping out veterans adam Yeah, well, I think that it's I just think it's progress that you had me having sex with a woman and this uh Slanderer's lie about myself

There's a trans woman What do you mean turned her over that pre pre of course Pre what you know what um pre even finding out they're trans Yeah, I think it's a guy that 20 years from now will become trans pre pre anything pretty even coming out of the closet They're sexually assaulting a four-year-old boy That'll deal with the trauma in 20 years. You actually turn him trans because you raped him

I don't think that I don't think I don't know. That's real. That's real. It happened Everyone knows that story that old tale that old charming little It's rude to ask if someone's trans you know, you know that old story boy meets girl You know, yep, the girl is adam. The boy is a four-year-old boy Yep, yep, I remember that one. The backstory is that the dog's dad, dude. She's just sleeping. She's just chilling Um, any snake guys out yet. It's like snake guy weather in manhattan Do they don't go into manhattan as much anymore? So I don't see him. I saw a guy. Um, was there a snake guy a specific snake? I oh, yeah, you don't see those guys. Not really. It's always it's always like

Like black dudes will just wear a giant snake. Oh, that's tight. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool How do we get a snake? I don't want to take a naked photo shoot with a snake Oh, by the way, that occupies a weird a weird territory between black nerd and black cool guy is snake guy Because there's something anime about it. You know, yes, there's something very dragon ball z about Uh about wearing a snake around like you could very easily go Sega black eye with that one. Absolutely But then it's also like That's what a dude who sells women would do also Right, that's an extreme pimp move. That's like that's like the absolute you're at. Oh, damn

It's like having it's like it's like if he had press on nails where That would be weird But there's a level of pinky Pedicure nails like that's not an nerd move. That's like a very intimidating right guy. That's like so sexualized Right, right, right from from selling women into sex slavery. Yeah, he's so straight He just becomes gay is like a challenge to other straight guys. That is the most alpha shit But that is like that's like prison rapist right like that kind of guy Yeah, you know, we all aspire to be curlers in his hair and the most intimidating prison rapist is a guy that's like

Blowing kisses at you and yeah, yeah, yeah, you know telling you you're beautiful It's not that like i'm gonna rape you guy. Yeah, I'm gonna rape you guys just He's insecure. He doesn't know he's mad that he has to rape men, but he doesn't want to get raped himself Yeah, I would the guy that's like sending you valentine. How funny would be adam getting little cards written on toilet paper in his cell Some six foot seven guy with 482 pounds is like waving at him. He's got long beautiful hair. Hey boo Adam's like I don't like that

That's not how I sound. That's not how I sound. I don't sound like that. I'm I don't like this attention Uh, for us, I would like the attention the attention's nice. We can all agree the attention's nice Um, I'm yeah, I've missed I've been missing out on gay male attention Ever since I relaunched my instagram. It hasn't been Quite the trigger for gay attention that the old one was Um, well, I'll be baby two on instagram everyone. Please follow Um, but I think I'll get there. I'm thinking about starting a grinder With all my pictures and being like and having sex with follow and then just having sex with me

I'm thinking about starting a grinder as a cover Using my instagram as a cover and then actually meeting up with these men and having sex with them Someone told me when I was selling a weed that I should use grinder to sell weed You should use grinder to sell ketamine And your ass and club drugs. Where do you get ketamine these days off grinder? I feel like that's a very like british raver drug. No, is it? So I'm fucked off cat of cat. I did so much cat last night. I did so much I was on fucking cat all night. I was completely disassociated with my body. Cheerio governor

I'm on ketamine governor. I'll head ketamine governor. Why are they always saying hello to the governor cheerio? Yeah, what is it always have access to governor? They have a lot of governors. Yeah, that's the thing You know every neighborhood is a state when when when uh, new york was still under british rule There was like some governor here that was trans Really? Yeah in like the fucking 1700s. There was like a cross-dressing british governor Hell, yes, like hiding the bushes and then jump out and kiss other men. Yeah That guy sounds awesome Yo old-timey like ancient gay men

Or like the people that are so gay they just like Just we were like fucks all the society This is how gay I am that i'm gonna be just open as hell in like Four thousand years ago, whatever or though. I guess then everyone was gay, but like 300 years ago. That's tight Yeah, I mean gay repression didn't really start until uh the 20th century. Yeah until about 2009. Yeah, we all got online Suddenly the hardest thing in the world was to be a gay man on tumblr God can you imagine how oppressive that would be it is impressive you have to wear a on tumblr You have to pierce the middle part of your nose. You have to wear choker necklaces

It's difficult Stop it. Adam. What are other things you have to do? You have to um You have to learn. I don't know you have to you have to learn farsi if you want to be gay That's a big part of being gay. You don't have to yeah, but if you want to if you want to fuck cute Persian boys you do right adam. Isn't that what you were telling me earlier off mic? About what by having sex with cute Persian boys. I don't know what you're talking about Adam likes to do what they call the magic carpet where you come in each other's pubes and then you glue it together

And then you jump out the window. You jump you separate yourselves violently And it'll rip off one person gets all of their pubes ripped off. It's like a wish bone Yeah, and then whoever loses has to eat the the come pube Nest like a pussy And that's the magic carpet This is an important podcast Yeah, oh, I'm sorry I want to eat your ass it would be

That's actually that wasn't in the movie but fucking robin williams ad lib that in a genie scene and You know, he said he said if you don't put this in the movie. I'm gonna kill myself And so they put it in there and then they took it out for all of the home media releases Oh, but he didn't he didn't watch it until he didn't watch it until two years ago Because he was like, you know that magic carpet thing I came up with People are like, what are you talking about? He's like, you know, I'm letting where you glue your pubes together rip them apart

Like robin. No, nobody knows what you're talking about He's like, oh, what we'll watch Aladdin right now Oh Then they put it on and he's kept rewinding it furiously He's like somebody give me a belt the stress of it actually gave him a disease whichever one He had he had Parkinson's. Yeah. Yeah You know, it'd be funny if your dog got Parkinson's disease That wouldn't be funny it would be uh

Oh boy, anyway, so what do you guys uh, what do you guys what are your plans for the summer? Is anyone going on a nice trip? I'm getting a fucking beach ball dude and some sunglasses Hell, yeah, and I'm gonna take pictures and say wish you were here. Hmm. Yeah, that's good I'm gonna go on my ex-wife I'm gonna go on vacation to Lula with my girlfriend my 500 pound ex-wife to Lula To Lula Willis. Yeah, Bruce Willis. Yeah daughter Bruce Willis is 500 pound daughter I was married to I'm gonna go on vacation with my girlfriend and do uh an instagram series where she's holding my hand Yeah, and she's leading me like in front of the Eiffel Tower

One of the black instagrams I follow Somebody made one with those with the girl from the guy's perspective and she goes to the edge of a cliff And then she like turns around the guy just shuts her. It looks like really well done This falls and she's like splits her head open Wait, it's real. I mean, it's like I doubt it's real, but it's like very well made. Oh great. Good production value That's a great bit. Actually. I'm jealous. Yeah. Well, you know, those are all one guy That's like one photographer who like came up with that idea. Yeah, but now I have to follow me series Yeah, I think they broke up and they had to keep going. Yeah. Yeah. I think the follow me couple

Because it was too successful dumb shit you have to do in a relationship is so fun. Yeah But that fucking I like it. I think it's sweet. I don't I don't I don't like it I like doing the things that I do which is purchasing electronics Uh calibrating them. Oh, yeah setting them up in different ways going through Menu after menu figuring out how to tweak You know hdr settings and resolution settings and optimizing lighting and yes, and and setting up audio fields, you know Yeah, hell. Yeah. That's the kind of shit. That's just doing that. That's my version of going blueberry picking You have to also be ignoring a girlfriend while doing those things though, right? No. Oh no, but it helps. Yeah

Um, I'm ready. I can't stand is when a gal is interrupting me while I'm trying to watch the big game Which game uh, it's the movie the game. Oh, yeah, that's good. Michael blacklist Douglas Oh, I thought you meant reading every February. I invite all my friends over to watch the big game We're watching the game And they all come in and then I lock them in there and they're like Nick, please stop doing this bit I said it's too late. Oh, that's what that's what you get for trusting a man with interior deadbolts I do that, but it's my friends and we we listen to the audiobook of the game Uh the uh by mystery by miss no by the guy by neil Strauss by neil Strauss

And by the end and then we just all go crush. Poo poo poo poo. Yeah, I watch we watch the game We watch surviving the game We listen to mvp by the game. Yep. Yeah, that's cool Is that the name of the album? I don't remember. Yeah, what about neil simons the game, right guys boo sounds gay You don't know how this shit works, dude, but when you're right, you're a terrible joke writer. I'm a good joke writer I'm taking your name off off uh The description you can't because we never put it on it. Yeah No, I was trying to think of a project you were talking about the description on uh, there's none of them

Yeah, we haven't finished anyone, but we you know, we're right guys We're working on the web series every day all day together. So we've had a lot of time. Yeah, we made zero progress No, we have we have like uh five bad sketches. Why are you like playing with dogs nipples? It's fun tugging on our nipples It's weird, dude. No joke. It's making me feel weird. Yeah, that is weird. You're like because it's sexual It's not bothering you. You're playing with your titties. It literally is Why don't you feel weird, dude? It'd be like if you were playing with your dogs with china Yo, that shit is so weird. It's not an erogenous zone for my dog. Stop. I had my dog spit She's not coming from this. It's just a nice thing that we do together

I just play with her if you had a dog and you cut his balls off. Would you beat him off? Yes, if it didn't have you don't cut the dog's balls off Norman Wilkerson sucked a dog's dick one time. Really? He didn't yeah, he used to tell the story That was his like most embarrassing story is that he like He went he was like 12. He put his dog got hard and he like sucked his dog's dick. What's a dog? He put peanut butter on his dog's dick and licked it off. Yeah, he was really misunderstanding Yeah, you know the classic, the classic That is awesome. Is Norman just gay for dogs? I guess so. Dogs' dicks are so repulsive looking

Yeah, but they taste really gross too. Yeah, well that's why cats are all, yeah, they have a little like it's like a red Prickly Hershey's kiss. Yeah, they have a thorny dick. That's strange. That's why cats suck You know, their dicks are so small that like if they get uh, if you put a catheter in a cat Josh Androski was telling me this his cat they had to put like a catheter in for some bladder problem And their dicks are so small that usually when they remove the catheter it just rips the cat's dick off Like just don't they're like, yeah, I'm just like suture a hole there Imagine Imagine going in for a surgery and then being like a completely unrelated surgery you get your fucking appendix down

You're like, hey man, sorry your dick popped off Yeah, what's the duck? What's the duck in argentinian duck and it's like it's like scorpion like yeah over here So, uh, what is it? They everyone knows about this adam? No, stop doesn't know. I don't know the argentin teen duck has like a dick that's like twice the length of its body Yeah, it looks like a phone cord Yeah, and any and it can it's like a heat-seeking dick it like yeah, it's like scorpion from mortal combat Does he fling it? Yeah, and he says get over here. Yeah, that's rules, dude. Yeah, I want to dig that like that Yeah, no, I had a sketch idea where it's like, uh

A guy gets in a car accident and he's like waking up after surgery and it's like, you know, he's got bandages on his face Mm-hmm. And uh, he was like, oh my god, what happened? They're like we flew in one of the best like plastic surgeons in the country And uh, so they like take the bandages off and he's like luckily like this guy's the best He was able to like completely restruct like reshape your nose And the guy's like, yeah, like I can barely tell. I was like, yeah, we just um The nose has a lot of the same tissue as the penis. So we took the penis and we He's like, what do you mean? He's like, well, we just removed your penis and turned it like look town And they've cut his dick off. He's like, no, no, no, no

I don't want the nose my nose. I don't need a nose. I don't want to smell shit. I want to fuck And they've cut his dick off and turn it into his nose. That's good. Yeah, we should do that sketch And then we but to it's so much better to just say on the podcast what the sketches we're going to be Okay, because that's that's there's no heightening there. That's not pretty. It's not like insightful It's just a funny thing to say. So you say it and then it's over Imagine how much better Seinfeld would have been as a show if it was just me saying like Yeah, there's this guy Kramer and he fucking does stuff You know, he's like a weird neighbor and he yeah, he walks through the door everyone on the show is Jewish

And then this guy works at a post office that Jerry doesn't like people would love that that'd be a good show, man I think Costanza is Greek No, that's Italian. I wish he was but he's not I think he's supposed to be Greek. He's not I would know that come on Why it's an Italian name. What do you mean? Why? Why would he know because George Costanz is who I've modeled my life after well, I think he was my hero, huh? I think he was I wish he was Greek. He's not dude. Stop. You haven't seen that episode Yeah, the Greek festival. Yeah, you haven't seen that episode. Wait, wait Yeah, doesn't he like convert to eastern orthodox in one of the episodes does he yeah, but which means he's not Greek

But yeah, yeah for a woman or something. I don't remember whatever. Oh, yeah, isn't suit fuck. I got to look back at that shit um Oh, dude, I got a eastern orthodox the self-flagellating one. He kills Susan by being cheap with the envelopes. Yeah So I think we know what he is. Yeah. Well, they never said explicitly But yeah, you kill your wife. They never used the jaywork. They never said it all on envelopes. I think How about that guy at the bagel place this morning? Oh, that's like in like he made him in he's just like flashy like, you know older dude and he's fucking like, uh He's like, yeah, let me get any like orders of sandwich and then the woman's like 11 50

And he like he put 10 on the table and she's like 11 50. He's like that sandwich ain't never been 11 dollars Yeah, he said eight dollars. He's like eight dollars. She's like no it's locks. Yeah She adds it up and he's like you better ask somebody. She's like You know just sure You know what why don't you go ahead and keep it and just look and he walks away. Yeah He didn't buy this a little bit with two dollars more and then I asked him if I could have it And they were like, all right, and I'm like, I'm not gonna pay for it. Yeah. You just have this already made to me Make sure the dog doesn't pull the fucking recorder off the table

I don't think I just get the fuck off the fucking cord you bitch Y'all don't talk to her that way. Dude. She's about to ruin the podcast. Well, just don't curse at her. Fuck you isis Yeah, you hear that? We're gonna send you right back. We're gonna send you right back. Sorry. How does she have a new work that you came from? She came from bedside. I'm so sorry isis. Please. She came from your street in bedside. She walks away. Stop it She's she was abused. She had a tough life. Sorry if I play with her nipples a little bit Now if you don't try it, that's literally why karella developed one of those puppies is to play with their nipples What's wrong with that? 101 Dalmatians. She was the villain in the story

Adam likes her because she's flashy and a bitch like he is I'm not flashy and I'm not a bitch. I'm actually a really nice friend. The bath tops make telephone calls. You're right You're not your bubble bath. I've never taken a bath Not even once. I love a nice bath, dude. I love that. What's the thing about the parents putting their kids It's like naked in a bath together take pictures. That's kind of gross, right? No, it's not. It's cute. Is that something your family did? Yeah, your mom did that with your brothers Yeah, I have these awesome pictures of me and my brothers and we're just naked as shit

I'm three and I guess I'm like four and they're two and we're just naked sitting on watermelons Man, I can't wait until I have a son so I can take tasteful nude pictures of him in the bathtub You know what I can't wait for for fatherhood is being able to take nude bathtub photos Child pornography is to produce tasteful sexually muted Photos of my son's penis Is he bathes with other nude children that I may or may not even know neighborhood kids

and the sorts I think you're sexualizing you gotta be you gotta be like the worst kind of pedophile to fuck your own kid Oh my god It says pedophiles that are like Well, you know, I guess I could just I'm more sort of a DIY pedophile Uh, I was sort of like a home depot style You make your own? I'm gonna make my own kid

And I'll fuck that So yeah, imagine like Being at labor like being so happy and excited not because you're having a child because you're like, I'm gonna get the fuck this soon Just like waiting for a flashlight I think you're from Amazon Oh, I hate adult pussy Her long bones are so mature Her skull is just hard

Her hard skull Oh god Her teeth are fully formed and not all the same size I hate this She doesn't have rolls on her wrists Well, maybe not yours, dude, but it's fucking thick girl season round here, dude Yes, thick girls shout out to the thick girls. Yeah. Yeah, if you're out there and you're a fat bitch You guess who's ready to get fucked

Who? We need like fucking I need a sound effect board so I could do like whistles and air horns Oh, that would be awesome, dude. Yeah, and a voice modulator. Is it thick girl season? I'm on twitter, so I don't know. I don't know how it's different day You don't need twitter. You could just go outside. You know, it's just like a different day every day now on fucking uh On twitter. Yeah, everything's different season ice cream day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, or you know kibuki day kibuki I want to cocky. I'm gonna get into kibuki kibuki theater. Yeah, and just like get into going to it or get into making it

Yeah, I'm just like Know a bunch about kibuki theater and then you know do the thing you do where you find any excuse to bring up this thing you read about I Didn't read about it. I read the headline and then I extrapolated He didn't read a girl. He was fucking made him Do a book report about kibuki. That's the only way you get permission to fuck her You had to perform a kibuki play to her father Isn't that a type of older gay where they're into like, uh, like wearing the

The robes and like doing kibuki stuff. No, I think that's just one guy that you know on a personal level I don't know Well, I'm more of a kibuki time. What's that? What's the movie where is that the is that a midnight in the garden of good and evil? What Never mind isn't kibuki kibuki's one of the sanctioned ways to do white face though, right to like yellow face, right? Yeah, that makeup is big dude. It's like paint your face. It's like an inch thick the makeup. It's fucked up I mean, isn't that right like What would how do the where the appropriations people fall on that I couldn't do it. You know what I mean?

I don't think that does it's a cultural thing. You know, oh, you know what we're talking about Yeah, because nobody cares about plays Yeah, no one cares about plays what we're talking about a retarded guy who's going to do Oh, yeah A white retarded guy And he thinks he did a great job and no one knows whether to scold him you can't Oh Hell yeah, dude

I like the idea of like a retarded guy that really wants to be a surgeon And they have to let him, you know, because no one can say no to him They have to let him but he's just playing operation and he thinks it's real. No, they're he's doing real sir. Oh, he is Yeah Just sewing pieces of candy up in people Oh, I was doing a uh, we're doing some good songs guys, you know what me and else we're doing today was uh, And I suck my own dick Until I come in my oh, yeah, I used to do that one, but it was uh, um

The way you suck my dick The way you drink my pee And I suck my own dick. Oh, no, you can't take that away from me Motherfucking satchmo, baby. Yeah, that's a good nickname. Are you doing what a wonderful world? Yeah, and I suck my own dick Until I come in my mouth Is that the Tune? Yeah, I think so something like that. No, I don't think the second line. I suck my own dick I don't think the second line is the dude

Bro, why you gotta be doing a different song whatever man I'm doing him doing that song. It just hurts. Where's your song, dude? I have a lot of songs Go ahead. Let me sing one. You do one. Why don't you do a song? Okay, which which one? Oh now you don't find out I thought you had a lot of fucking songs, bro. I got a lot of songs. You're the worst of the song parodies Go ahead. No, that's not true at all. You guys just don't celebrate one. You have never done a good one Come town girl That's got the show in it. Oh no, and that sucks. You guys are just done that a hundred times Uptown fag

Really Joe's just like this one's for the real fans Uptown fag Uh, the entire at live Billy Joel live at the Anthony Coomie studio The ultimate long island experience the cheering breaks the sound barrier Tonight, okay, let me do another one earthquake destroyed Long Island today is the loudest applause ever recorded When Billy Joel performed at the Anthony Coomie of studios this new song Uptown fag I have another one that I've done that's okay. I never did on the show, but I wrote it and it's great. Okay. Um Show me the feet girl free your souls. I want to get lost in your sexy toes

No, it's not that's good about Give me the dick boy and free my soul. I want to get lost in your asshole Well, it's good. You could do it about and drift away about sending feet. I'm fucking gay That's how those are both good I don't think that to be a competition with each other. Yes, we do. I don't think Being a constant competition with your boys is an essential part of being a real ass dude You're not competing and as the real ass dude podcast the best of the real ass dude podcast That I could be with stop all the time. Yeah about what we have a less

Me and him are in a league above you So our our competition is is more nuanced. Yes. What do you mean? We're playing 3d chess. Yeah, you're playing you're playing 2d's in your mouth Yeah, you're playing that. You're playing double penetration. Okay. I got another one. You're playing 2d's on your chess Here's it. Here's that's good. Can I do another one? Adam likes a different kind of double t's One in one in my ass That's good. That's really good. Yeah, that's a good insult. That's a good insult suck on my dick boy and feed my whole I don't know it lost in your ass. Oh, and so good day

Okay, I got another one's bad. Okay. Go. What's your other one? I read the news. I'm gay What song is that uh the Beatles Damn the life Never heard it. I read the news. I'm gay. Oh lord Okay about a man who fucked my ass and made me come Um, all right, and though this dick was rather big Uh-huh. I had to do it without consent Uh, yeah, I kind of lost at the end. Yeah, but I appreciate you guys letting me go at least four months

Eleanor rigby was born a man, but she took drugs to turn her into a woman Now she's obscene There you go, that's Look at all the sexy online All the lonely people I got one on tumblr. What was the song we're just listening to? Don't be so sad. I would say it's so good. Take your dead stick

And suck on to it The minute you're forced my little dick when you were baby See stop trying to do this jewish propaganda, but it's hey jew instead. I was I woke up I woke up this morning, and I forget what I was dreaming about But I came up with a a place where you can get discount circumcisions called uh glands crafters Why glands glands That's the glands tip of the penis. I thought it was the foreskin The tip of the penis is called the glands

Oh, they craft it. Yeah instead of lens crafters. It's glands crafters. I would go to glands crafters Yeah, I need to get my cock snipped. Yeah, would you do it as an adult discerning? I don't know. What if they gave you a medical reason they did we've thought we've been over this because you Yeah, my dick my dick skin is too. They're like, well, you know, I mean, it's it's sort of a double-edged sword here Because I'll lose half of my dick size. Yeah You'll actually lose three quarters of your dick size the end of your 90 percent of your dick I Look cosmetically it does there is a sleekness

To my hard-ass dick when it's struggling to come out of the foreskin that I like Uh, but also I just feel like I owe it to my Greek brothers to stay Foreskin does I support you leaving it staying thatch dude. I always wish I had it. It's identity politics I don't know if I'm gonna make my son do it. I gotta be honest with you Really? Whoa, that's actually I think it's weird that they made me do it and I didn't even have an option Your parents would flip if you didn't get your cock your son's cock snips Well, my parents can stay out of my fucking son's bedroom, man You know, I feel like I feel like his cock alone all all Jewish boys instead of the the circumcision

They should have a little swastika tattooed right on the tip of their foreskin That way they could they make the decision themselves But there's extra motivation to go ahead with it later in life Hmm. Oh, I thought you were gonna say like uh, it was gonna like the swastika would imprint on them like uh Like it'd be like the first thing they ever saw like, you know how like ducks If you don't see your own dick the first time you come out if like stops never seen his own If a baby duck sees like a person they think it's their mother stop So I've had to wait until they invented drones. I've only season I've heard my dick like echolocation

I have to go to a room and has very good acoustics and yell at my dick and the sound bounces off Yeah, I found out recently that girls don't like it. I've heard heard about his dick from a poet That he encountered in a shire Why doth thy tiny pee Rolling meadows and hills Went forth the dragon's breath And again it strolls Through a quiet stream of brook

And there in the elven cave one may find In the chodiest of reasons regions The most blueberry-eth of dicks blue barrier like a little rotten cranberry Beneath the golems taint Googling micro penis is is still always the funniest It's like it's just such a pleasurable five minutes just to see men with worse lives. That sounds a lot like that bit I used to do Did was there ever like a person from history like a famous man from history that people claim it has a micro penis?

Yeah, why don't you extrapolate on this micro penis idea and see where your joke writing takes you? Wait, you never said that No, you have a bit about that, but you never said rolling. Are you kidding? Goddamn dude, he's trolling and it's working. Yeah, he's really upset. I know I'm never upset. I'm always chill I think never gonna call me chill cos I was thinking the other day though. I think that micro penis sounds like computers, right? Oh, that's good. Yeah That's really good. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, dude. I shouldn't have done that Uh, do you guys hear about that time? I shit my pants and some latino children called me gay. Yeah Yeah, they weren't children. They were teenagers and I consider them to be adults

They're very mature. Adam leaves out the part of that real story where he screamed the n-word at him from from in the window of his apartment He ran upstairs and before taking off his shitty pants. He ran to the window and screamed the n-word from his apartment Well, who else make yourself feel better? We're taking over Yeah, enjoy the next couple years. My uncle owns the building you live in and he's gonna raise the rent until he ends up in a trash can burn to death Remember that story happened. Yeah, you fucked up, dude. Yeah Even the news was like I kind of deserved it Did an orthodox landlord like take an axe and like chop a water main like in one of the buildings Well, they sabotage the tenants or the heating pipes. They do some real

That they do some real shady where it's like they they hire contractors and they have this specific like Contract that says like they have the right to cancel up until like 90% of the job is finished And then they threaten to cancel And then they're like you can cancel we're gonna cancel and hire somebody else to finish it Or you can just do it for half the money and you just kind of get fucked and you have to do it The show was telling me the story about Um, this landlord that was just screwing people and he got these fucking russians or someone fucking Kidnapped him and they tried to scare him into being a you know into paying them and they killed him by accident

Um, man Well, that sounds mean I like russians They're like russians. Yeah, they're probably the best race. They respect the right things Strength. Yeah, weightlifting weightlifting number one most important. Uh gymnastics adidas Yeah, adidas. They like adidas. They get they love bad haircuts. They do Little cuts. They're really in dash cam videos. Although their food is bad. What's russian? I've never read any russian literature. I know I should because uh, it's I've only read a couple of books like what? No, I read Nabokov doesn't count as russian. No. Well, he's american. Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean he wrote russian guy, but it's not really

I didn't know that. It's not the same category. Oh, damn. It's not the same category is like those to yaski So yeah, you didn't read uh Like crimes crimes and misdemeanor. Yeah, I read crimes and misdemeanor. I read crime and punishment I read truth lies and video checks and you never saw you never read true lies by uh, yeah Jamie The chop on the chop chop chop. I remember one of my first boners was that It's Arnold Schwarzenegger's naked body pumping iron. One of your first boners was jacking off the bodybuilding pictures of Arnold Schwarzenegger There was a silhouette. It's a dream you had about a man using weights to pin you down

Just a 50 on each wrist Using susanne powder women's workout weights the pink plastic ones You know what I like to think of myself as your guy's muse I inspire I inspire these gorgeous bits So that was your first boner, huh? No, the jamie lee curtis uh Silhouette strip scene jamie lee had that had some hey, she has a big ol td I love that the rumor was that she was born on her math just because she had short hair Just because she had adam's haircut and built 80s. Yeah, her and siara

She had some but siara didn't have big titties jamie lee came through with fucking Wait, what was that all about jamie lee curtis nude dude? It's good. Yeah, she's nude in trading places Yeah, you see that is some good ol tittie me. You see she's got some some jumbo yum yum Serious yummies dude jumbo yum yum look at look at how much of a fucking liar serious I didn't find anything on the web for jamie lee curtis nude. Oh, bitch. We know that's out there This is this is kind of shit steve jobs if you were still alive would not be letting this shit happen. Yeah God rest his soul It's because the idea is that what like children might be using siri

I think you could probably set it up where she shows you titties No, you can't siri show me your titties siri suck me off computer. Give me head Computer you're joking. Oh, yeah, there they are. Don't look at my phone, dude. Can I see don't look? Yes, of course you can see Adam we're trying to look back down in the fucking chair. I have to pee so I'm standing so I don't have to Yeah, everyone forgets that adam has a vagina so you can't oh god You can't control the space they are so fucking juice and they do that little dip up top where the nipple comes out fucking pointy as shit I love that shit, dude Goddamn. I love titties

For real titties are probably my one of my number one things Oh, it's a gift my bitch Oh, hell. Yes, dude stops coming in his pants. I'm fucking stiffed up right now to dr. Skin 280 See this what happens you all mock me for as a youth beating off to whatever I could find but that makes me resourceful, dude I'm a beating off hunter. She's got some long tits. We don't have long tits like that That's what I mean that little divot. No, not the divot where it's like their titties starts like nine ribs down Where they're like on their hips basically

You know it's like that is the girl from just one of the guys What's that remember me? Mm-hmm the best hits of all time is true detective season one that one Oh, my fucking god. I just I just I still remember. Oh, yeah. I had sex with her. No, you didn't oh her I also did before you guys. Did you guys ever this woman? Oh my god, again, we're not gonna let out. Oh, they're heavy. That's why they're heavy hangers But they still stay perked up. No, they're not heavy. They're heavy. Look how far down her ribs are Yeah, they're fucking fat. It's I'm we're looking at the picture from uh that the just one of the guys one Oh, right where she's pretends to be a dude and then she pulls the titties out of the woman that looks like Ralph Marchio

Who I would uh fuck I would the fucker You know what to make me pissed on is when I do not get to fuck a woman from a movie picture I see in the theater there's a movie picture where you see a woman and I want to fuck her and They say if I jack on in the theater, I have to go home And they will lock me down in the jail if I jack on in the theater I want if I can I said I'm gonna be gonna sing the booze. They say we turn down the lights and see you jack off But I'm not doing it. I'm not jacking on. I'm touching my penis

You're actually touching your I always touch my dick, dude Absolutely. That's how you ground yourself in reality. I want to suck at your boozy grab the end of your Meditate by touching the end of your dick. Yeah, I didn't know that's what Zen was Yeah, Zen stands for zipper heads engaging in naughty touching That's zent. Yeah, the tea is silent. Okay in naughtiness. That's good. Oh, okay. Yeah zips engaging in naughtiness Damn lose some good. What are some other good-ass movie titties? um Movie titties. Did you guys ever jack off to when you guys didn't have HBO growing up? No

I used to jack off all the time when they had a the fucking Kubrick movie. What do you call it? Why is white shut eyes white shut? But I beat off to some it was very formative Kubrick movie called ass wide open I I jacked off to that movie for years And and he's on fire. He's trans 2001 colon the amount of guys Adams had sex with That's the other one do another one. Um, um the shining asshole of adam as the pre-com glistens around the hole Working a clock Yeah into his ass

The cockwork orange. Yeah, how did you not get the cock the cockwork orange you glad I didn't say banana Yeah, which is the thing adam putting his ass. Yeah What did that name mean? What was orange? Where'd they get the name for that in front? What are that? How did that relate to the movie? Clockwork orange. What does that mean? Yeah, good point, dude. I'm just asking you. Yeah, I haven't seen it. Yeah, that should be a pop. You haven't seen it Jesus Christ. I mean a cockwork orange is a fucking boring ass movie, dude. Yeah, but I feel like it's a pretty famous movie Yeah, don't they like raping shit. It's that yeah, he rapes. I don't like seeing rapes

That's my stance. You don't like seeing even movie rapes. No clockwork orange. You know, I like snuff films And rocky horror picture show or two movies that I watched that I felt like I should watch and it's just like yeah I don't I don't get it. Yeah, I don't get why people like these because tim curry's kind of rules I don't remember a clockwork orange. I think I saw it the last time when I was like 16 Yeah, I only saw I saw it one time when I was 16. Yeah Um, I saw one of those movies you watch as a teenager that's like even then you're like, I'm never gonna watch this again Like Donnie Darko. You're supposed to be a boondock saints. I knew both of those. That's how dumb I was. I was like, yes, dude I saw boondock saints. I was like, this is my favorite. I love the Donnie Darko soundtrack

Hey, yeah, because it's tears for fears. Yeah. Yeah, that's around me. Oh guys checking I was a big tears for fears fan. I'm still like them. Everybody wants to rule the world is like one of my favorite songs Yeah, what is that now the herding? I think so. I forget pretty pretty good. Yeah, but uh, not a bad man Yeah, I don't know. I don't I actually like listened to tears for fears and uh years Yeah, I'm stupid. I thought Donnie Darko was good and it wasn't until later when I rewatched it And I was like in college and I was like hell. Yeah, dude. I was like showing it to someone I was like, dude, this movie is the fucking some deep shit. And then I was like, oh man I look stupid as shit. This doesn't make any fucking sense. Yeah, they like what was it?

It's like a time portal or some gay shit or it's like he's got mental illness or something But doesn't isn't there some kind of space or time interdimensional element? Yeah, that was that dumb ass bunny or whatever he like saves the town or something. Yeah, bye Do you have powers or uh, yeah, he's like he has the power of being uh brooding and a teenager. Oh nice I do I do remember laughing very hard in that one scene though With the fat girl with the bullies. Yeah fat girl in the class and the bullies Bullies just leaning back and he raises his hand. He's like, um, yeah, didn't your dad like stab your mom? It's just such a funny bully line. Yeah, she says, uh, fuck you. Yeah, fuck you. Yeah, she's fat. Yeah

She can't say peas because she's fat. I don't know Yeah, do you have that problem? Yeah Imagine being so fat that your your lips weigh too much to make a sound That's very funny That's funny to me when that happens. Was there a pedophile in that movie? Yeah, uh all of the famous guy was a pedophile Yeah, Swayze was a was right fucking kids. It's donnie dark. I I don't even remember a motivational speaker No, it's not Swayze. I think it's or isn't there but there is a movie where Swayze's a pedophile. Isn't dirty dancing. Yeah Extremely dirty

Dirty dancing Bring around the rose recently dancing to what dirty dancing. Have you seen it before? Uh, I think so It's ridiculous, dude. Now who plays the pedophile motivational speaker Uh, I think it is Swayze. Maybe. Yeah, there's someone Swayze like if it's not Swayze Yeah, they find a bunch of child born in his house because it burns down of yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Dirty dancing really bothered me when I saw it recently because there's like a ton of 80s music in it But it's supposed to take place in the 50s

It's like it's like Temporarily that makes no sense. They have a wait Just a little bit long guy. Yeah, the dancing is remarkably dirty. I thought that they were uh He got exaggerating. He has his cock out. No, they're like really just rubbing cock. Oh, you know, you know OTPH. Yeah over the pants fucking. Yeah Um, my favorite kind. It was so sad when Patrick Swayze died. Yeah, he's awesome. He's he's great Yeah, who fucking yeah, who who does not like we what I'm gonna what I'm gonna do after we finish this and I don't upload the podcast for Hours and hours past the deadline. They make people cuss at me on the internet. I'm gonna first of all you make people cuss at you

On your own With your attitude. I have a good attitude being disrespectful towards me Iris when all I ever do you and I respect is just try to drive this show into the ground for all of our Sakes so we can move on to whatever the next thing is and what I try to do is bring in a spirit of joy and celebration Life is not about stability. Yeah. Yeah, god forbid. No, I mean it really fucking isn't you got to mix things up That's how I got here Yep, you know a wild card by being a by being a cracker jack a regular fucking rogue maverick Yes, dude, you know, but my man's john mccain. Oh wait

Bucking the trends, you know That's how you let self loathing dictate all of your snap decisions To burn bridges and give up on things until eventually you haphazardly lock into some kind of success and then you burn it all into the ground And you start over by being a dog walker is In sort of tolerated in the Brooklyn open mic scene After years of disparaging I'm going back to the mics guys on your racist podcast

I Hell yeah, that sounds like a good ass plan, dude. You guys want to go hit a mic Uh later tonight just hit one hard. I can't tonight. Why can't you have a show adam wants to go hit a guy named mike? What's the guy named mike to take him take him Round back behind the chinese restaurant for a little one-two special That's what adam calls uh, what's that? Uh, you know what it is. Yeah one one two special when you use the low main the lubricate you put one in your two hole Yeah

Your asshole, that's right. Would you let a guy fuck your ear? No, why not? Well, he's got a really little dick play with your dog's nipples. Why would he let a really small dick and it basically feels like you're getting analogous Because one is a weird sexual deviancy and so is the other But here's the thing his dick is really small and it really it cleans out your ears better than any q-tip. What if it was a What if it was a what are you doing a half foot tall man? Yes, who had some kind of it was leprechaun. Okay leprechaun moves. Okay, and either he fucks your ear

Or he saws you in half what let him fuck my ear then. Yeah, okay. That's why you let a guy fuck your ear Yeah, instead of dying surprise Adam wants to get fucked in his ear by an ethnic midget Well, it's a irish. I guess yeah, that's ethnic. Yeah I'm sorry. What were you implying there that irish or what that? I the irish aren't an ethnicity Dude, you know mullen is a proud irish man. You know me dude. I love boston. I love wearing green I love st patty's day

I just don't ever disrespect The irish in america, you know, we used to be slaves or like oh That was 20 years when we couldn't get a job That's not actually that was never real. Oh I mean like not a fly. It's a lie. Yeah, it's no. It's not real really. Yeah, it's there was never a single one It's literally brick-a-brack invented by fucking benegans. It was the thing that put on the wall That's hilarious by the novelty wall in that is so funny ornament industry. Oh hell. Yeah Yeah, there's a lot of shit like that the the fucking the gadson flag that don't tread on me snake

Yeah, it was like never it was never like that No, it wasn't the flag people think that was like the original flag of the united states It was one of the no it wasn't it like floating. No what it was was like in the late 1800s It was like an ensign that the u.s. Navy used and then like 20 years later It appears on like a commemorative plate and then there was some sort of like A historical like revisionist History of the gadson flag because it looks cool

And people decided that it was like the original flag of the united states I think that the marilin state flag is the coolest looking flag. It is a good. Hey, it looks really good season my bitch Yeah, what is it from lord baltimore's like coat of arms lord baltimore and then the the calvert family. Oh, yeah, that's right Um Our art, you know what our night are yeah shots out to marilin. You know what our fucking state sport is? A cross jousting Uh, I'm pretty sure it's on lacrosse. I swear to god. It's jousting. It's crab cakes and football. Yeah crab That's what that's what that's what marilin does. We should go

I know all of them or I know a lot of them all of what all of the state things. Oh really? Yeah, really? What do you what's I don't know any other ones? What's the official flower of pennsylvania black eyed susan? No, i'm talking about marilin. Oh, yeah, marilin. You know all their stuff Which is a flower named after domestic violence? Ask me about uh, the doesn't know how to keep her no one traps shut susan I'll tell you about nevada. Yeah official flower. You already told her twice susan Yeah Um, yeah the chesapeake bay retriever. Yeah the umbc that was my alma mater. That was our fucking mascot the labrador

We'd even get a real retriever retriever the fucking uh, uh black eyed susan the white oak Is the tree the animal? I think is a dinosaur No, there every state has a state Oh dinosaur or fossil or something. I think we got brontosaurus. Uh, I think some type of rock fish is the fish. Hmm um I guess I don't know all the state shit the motto is uh Manly deeds womanly words That's right. We've we've been over that. Yeah

Nevada is sagebrush. That's the state flower. That's our mom. That's basically our what are the state things from where you're from san francisco Okay, so the prolapsed asshole. Yeah the mission impossible the state flower is the Is the sun the sort of Like flare burst around a man's asshole. That's good. I think you're not allowed to call yourself gay Only we're allowed to do it if you do it. You're stealing our bit The only bit you can do is is Yeah, uh impishly defending yourself Impishly from our barrage of powerful insults

from our level 99 insults that ravage your flimsy personality Like the the gossamer faint weakling that you are Oh, fuck can I have a moment to defend myself? No, you cannot please You know parliamentary rules nick's got the floor robert's rules The queens of mar duke rules The marma duke rules. Yeah, so what is parliamentary procedures? Like you could just like control how someone talks and shit Yeah, you gotta talk for time and then you have to pass motions. I feel like that doesn't happen as much

I feel like there's not a lot of maneuvering on parliamentary procedures anymore. I don't know. You got to listen to choppo trap house They do it all the time. Do they yeah, it's all parliamentary. Oh fuck. I didn't know that I got a parliamentary my dear watson I got a brush up. I can't wait till getting head is in the news so I can go on as a Expert on choppo trap house. Yeah Adam went on to be a tattletale I went on twice actually and I was a tattletale both times First I was on a tattletale on the Zionist youth experience and then the second time

I'm like you guys. I'm not using our podcast as a stepping stone to get on other podcasts What are you talking about? You do other podcasts all the time? Uh, only because they're below our podcast Oh, so you're saying that I help out louis j. Gomez doing some of his His podcast which do have a bigger audience But that that's most of those people most of those are repeat listens because his fans are mongoloids They can't get it all in one pass

So you have to cut downloads right Basically most they can't half of the people that listen to the real-est dude podcast and I'm not trying to be mean But they have both fetal alcohol syndrome and down syndrome They got what they call in the medical community is the double whammy And cauliflower ear Pussy beats their ears up like a fucking gym mat on the way out of the vestibule Well, you know doctors used to box babies ears the second they were born to make them deaf. Did they do it? No We thought it was good

We didn't know it was bad Oh, the cauliflower ears the fun one of the funniest things to me. I was scared of getting I wrestled. Did you wrestle? I wrestled for a season. Yeah, but you didn't you wrestle guys that are much taller than you because of your weight? Um, no every wrestlers are typically pretty short because tall guys are you're at a disadvantage in wrestling Yeah, they're probably just way more jacked than him. Yeah, I was good. I was good at wrestling I just didn't I couldn't stick like I would just get gassed. I was actually like With actual wrestlers I could fucking roll around with them But then it was like the after the first round. I was like just done. I never exercised and she you're cooked

What was cool though was sometimes I was the second string guy There's like a much better who like actually wrestled and so I would fight the second string I did a sport called wrestling where I would go into the women's bathroom And I would wrangle them into one of the stalls. I wear a mask A luchador mask because no one's gonna believe them and if they do then they you know Usually interrogate the guys in the home depot parking lot. It's luchador smart. Yeah You're throwing fucking I kept saying I'm like, oh, no, don't stress I'm saying stuff like that throwing Doritos. Yeah, I paint my hands black and I wear a shirt with Chinese letters on it

You were sure this is princess The detectives are like, jeez this guy could be Chinese black or Mexican, but we know one thing for sure It's definitely not a white guy These clues Luchador He's wearing a luchador mask and a sombrero he opened her pussy up with a pair of chopsticks And then he left a bunch of change on the floor of the bathroom, which he later came back for Throwing you at the end there

There was invitations to a bar mitzvah Dude, that's the perfect crime Bar mitzvah Todd you never got to go to a bar mitzvah grown up. I went to two you went to two. Yeah, my boy. Jake. Did you freak dance, huh? Did you freak dance? Um, it wasn't a really freaky dancey I think I got robbed of that. It was kind of classy dude. It was really nice and it was like downtown McCormick and schmidt. They had a great fucking spread

I learned how to freak dance. You guys a great spread adam's mom Oh, you mean a pussy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right guys. There's all this mom jokes Okay, you guys have been doing about my mom, but I didn't really tell you about what happened A couple months ago with my family. What happened my dad? He had a bow flex gym home gym And he murdered my entire family He put your mom in the crippled crossfakes until she died and then he killed me that story rules

Chris Benoit. Yeah, I can't believe they made a movie about cte That fucking piece of shit will smith movie and it wasn't just about chris benoit They should have made a movie called benoit and it should have they should have taken because ollywood does it anyways It should have been will smith playing an african guy that loves wrestling It's like you don't do not understand. Oh, yeah, Benoit is innocent. He is an innocent man Where I come from murdering your family is good Because they took your picture They took a picture of him and so they deserve to die

I forget that he was african Literally bet like on par with ours. He's an african football doctor. Yeah. Yeah, that's so weird The best african accent. Did you go see that with your mom nick concussion? Yeah. No, I've never even seen it Who told me they saw with oh, this is my friend Jonah. You went to go see concussion with this mom Um, the best african accent is uh, uh, last king of scotland. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man. I gotta rewatch that movie I watch I watch that movie. It was like when I first got into like downloading uh Like downloading torrents of movies because like For whatever reason I just didn't like liked going to blockbuster. Yeah, that was one of the first ones I got and it was like a

telescreen or Like a can't hd cam. Hmm. So the sound was all fucked up And so I never got to appreciate that movie In full dvd forest motherfucking wittaker. You watch it on your tv rip forest He was uh, you know, he was in he died yesterday. Oh my god, dude. No, that's Oh, uh, who was it prodigy? Yeah, I always confuse those two Prodigy from bob deep and forest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. So something about him

They're so similar that makes it that confuses me. It's so similar between those two men They have one overlap in quality and I can't quite pinpoint and it's just those two You can't get straight. No, it's some other people They're talented or it's him, uh LeBron James from mcdonald's Come on Uh macula gorilla. Yeah, uh, baloo from the line or the jungle book

Yeah, uh Let's see who else cat williams. Yeah I love cat williams. Dude. I watched two specials from the jungle ball as he come back from getting knocked out by a child That video was great. It really was man. That's the best video He's such a little boy He's so awesome, dude. You got knocked out by a little boy. I mean he's like five four or shit Whatever dude is so good. That's amazing video of him That's really why the internet was was invented. How about that video of him and tarry where he like slaps the gas here and rides away in a

motorized scooter God he's the best. He's so funny. I hope he comes back I watched one special and he's straight. It's not that long. It's like 41 minutes, but he is Killing the entire fucking time. It's awesome. It's like closer after closer This is all you've ever seen is cat williams and azure dice clay specials. I haven't seen any dice specials. You've never seen forest gump I've seen like he saw the dice movie that neither one has even heard of I'd never saw it. I tried to find it You never saw it. I can only I can't believe I didn't even know that existed if there's what ventures of ford feraline Dude, come on. Come on. We gotta watch that star. How about how about andrew vice clay?

And he's like, yo, you know what would be fucking legit did ketamine and beat a woman? Checked out. Oh smokes a cigarette over his fucking Fucking it's some Bengali cigarette. He's wearing a keffie. Yeah Andrew vice clay. That's good. Yeah, that's good. Write that down. Yeah, that's one I don't because every other one has been done already and you dice gay being the The best basketball time hickory dickory doc. I love sucking cock man, and it's so funny. He really is dude He's hilarious. God. That's such a good fucking bit. Yeah, I haven't seen that video in a while We should we should run it up after this. Yeah, we should all watch old old ant bits

I've been doing that. I've been digging in an old on a shit. Oh, yeah, trying to trying to learn Dude, it's so funny the fucking patrice a kneel the day after the kramer thing happened I gotta watch that. I was peeing my pants. This is so funny So you were peeing your pants, and then you decided to watch this video So I was peeing my pants, and then I'm like I need to watch a I need to watch an old o and a He's being his pants bit on youtube. This is what I think sex is My friend told me that what I was a kid my friend. We're when a girl gets white. She pisses We're playing roller hot. I don't think sex is when he sits by himself and quietly pisses his pants

It's so funny how much pussy I get That's the dumbest shit that we've said in the adam's gay genre, but that one got me good It makes no sense whatsoever Sitting down quietly and pissing himself Looking through looking through the the fucking people at the front of the apartment The blinds make sure his parents aren't home They're just sitting in a living room chair puts down a couple of newspapers and quietly pees himself and his mom's clothes That's a good wrinkle

You ever see that movie hearts of atlantis? No, we're we're fucking uh Anthony Hopkins plays like some old man with magical power. It's one of those movies that like I'm pretty sure was a Stephen King book where they turn it into a movie and you watch it and you don't know it's a Stephen King book But you're like what the fuck is happening? They just cut out like whole chapters Well, it's just magic for no reason. Yeah, there's magic going on It's like some bullshit town in Maine and there's a little boy and you know like that kind of shit So arts of atlantis He's an old man that stays with this family and he can do magic and the kid's getting bullied

And then Anthony Hopkins like intervenes And protects the boy from the bullies and he does it by being psychic and knowing that the main bully is like gay Oh, and so he's like you'd like to dress up and your mother's clothes when she's not home, don't you? He's like Shut up, you know, and he's like you like it. You like the way it looks when you wear your mother's clothes It feels good, doesn't it? You know, so he's just gay black males He's just a queer youth. Yeah, right By the way, he's a bully because he doesn't know how to handle

sexuality like So the movie has the powerful message that bullies are actually just faggots That's actually like just that's very much my father's morality on things. Yeah, no one cares about your father Newsflash Um, I've never been back newsflash. I've never learned a moral lesson from my father once I don't think he's just his morality is like the republicans just need to get fucked They're just horny. That's why they're like that Like dad, that doesn't make any sense. I don't think my dad has a single opinion on anything

Your dad sounds like he rules. I would probably be great friends with you. You would know you guys would get along, dude I would like your dad too. Yeah, I mean, he's fine. He would hate adam. No, he wouldn't He'd call you a bitch. No, he wouldn't he would actually I already spoke to stav senior and what are you talking about? Stav's dad is just a a bigger version of stav that opens up and stav goes inside And then his grandfather is an even bigger version of that That's russian, dude. Shut up. You fucking idiot. Don't call me that in public on the podcast in front of people They're called matrioshka dolls, right maraschina dolls. No maraschina babushka Babushka, what does that mean? It means grandmother, grandmother, grandma, grandma. Yeah, grandmama

um, anyway, so uh Is stavra senior just he's just a greek version of you an old man. He's like, oh, no. Oh, I love to eat pussy No, I don't know if my dad eats pussy, dude He seems like a selfish lover really like that. Yeah, I would I would guess so um, we were joking around before the show about that uh that They tried to make like a flashlight for women a cunnilingus machine that looks like a fan. Yeah Did you see this picture of stav and ryan shed posted on instagram? Yeah, I fell asleep

In my balls just completely down his pants Hands up for your pants are up to your fucking elbow. No, I mean, you know, yeah, it's pretty I was just comfortable these to live with this guy and he passed out drunk one night And he passed out with his hand down his back of his pants in his ass What and I took a picture of it. Yeah, he was like off the bed And I took a picture of it and I was showing people and he like just never forgave me. I mean, it was kind of a you know Uh violation violation of his privacy. I don't have a shit dude. That's called being in a boy's house

If you live in the boys, dude, you're gonna get your pants pulled down We're gonna get held down and fucked Oh a whole rack of gay shit's gonna be happening to you Rip the gay shit with your with your boys. All right. We're like way over time here. Are we? Yeah, we're hour 20 So, oh damn. We're done. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait the show. Okay. Yes a couple shows coming up on saturday We have a show with lewis jay gomez For lewis jay gomez gangfest festival at the creek in the cave at i'm turning hands mic down Come on, dude. We got to promote our shows. So we're on skankfest. I think at 1 or 130 on saturday at the creek in the cave

And then on monday, we have funny moms and it's a we got a banger No, I say this all the time, but it's a fucking amazing lineup this month. Yeah. Yeah, it's gonna be a really good one guys We got emma willman greg proups We got greg proups ryan styles Uh, the drew carry drew carry and we're making it up as we go along. Yeah. Wayne brady got wane brady We got tuba gooding jr. We got cat williams. Yes. We got forest whittaker. I think It's some guy that looks like forest whittaker a stand-up. Yeah, it might be our friend jamel Yeah

Does he have a lazy eye? No, he does. Eldis has kind of a kakai. It's so fucking funny Stav you kind of have a lazy eye. No, I don't I mean like both like your whole body is lazy I have a lazy eye and that it's in my body And also relaunch the damn gram baby stavi baby two follow your boy The gram is up. We got those two shows saturday 130 at the creek and then come on everybody Uh doors at eight if you want to have me on playstation Also, I'm trying to get a twitch thing going my own independent project where a game and I Yell at the you get me get to watch me get mad at battlefield one

Yes, and I try to reach It's gonna be sad how many people want to watch that That's pathetic. Yeah. No, it'll be great. Do you use that worship mic? Uh, anyway, so yeah, so, um, Oh, also the saturday show is a live podcast the monday show is a stand-up show Uh as per use Funny moms, but anyway, yeah, I need a new project. I need some I need to I need to find a way to working on the web series No, no, the projects for me are things that might get me arrested Like a fun project like what like ruining a business or you know, okay

Destroying property or pretending to be a down syndrome girl in okcupid that kind of stuff. Oh, that's classic classic I mean, I really don't I haven't done anything fun since since child porn dot sexy. That was great. That was yeah That's that's uh, that's the good. Yeah, I'll lie my way into some kind of contest Now we're talking. All right, let's talk off mic. We don't want it. We don't want this recorded. Yeah, all right legal purposes