The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 58 – A Very Adam Christmas

Episode Date: June 29, 2017

we find out adams gay once an for all

I sucked a penis and it's starting to come whoa, whoa, whoa too many inches and I'm starting to get an erection Gay country by event sevenfold. Oh I thought you were doing that. Would you still call me Superman? They're similar. Yeah, that was also me by the way Not Stavros. Yeah, you farted into the mic. I did well. He's in the bathroom. He's got like cancer or something Yeah, so I was dying guys from his excellent diet that he's adopted. Yeah I'm gonna eat a fucking half a ham every day like a caveman would and this is gonna make me lose weight But candy and slim jeans like a caveman that bought all his clothes at the gas station I just need to the dinner there. I just need to adjust as many nitrates as possible. Yeah, what are fucking nitrates?

You know what this is my favorite part of what it what happens on the podcast is when I I just I'll tell a story which should I now I've now Make money off the stories that I tell. Yeah on the podcast your real story teller Yeah, but when I get to tell a story that somebody else's story that they told me and This is one of Jake's stories. It's very funny. Oh, I do that all the time way you fucking cocks up. Yeah I do that all the time. It's called stealing. Stop. Stop probably thinks Mexican candy is delicious. I've never had it really You've never had chicken leg. It's bullshit, dude. I don't know it. It's literally like chili powder and salt in a like In a little coke bag. Oh

I like to buy a it's not even they don't even turn it into anything. I've had powder I like the dudes that do the mangoes with chili powder and lime juice I fuck with a nice street mango street and I've had chocolate with fucking Chilly that's good the lint chocolate. That shit's good. Yeah, dude. I remember when I was like 13 and lint chocolate I don't think it came out, but I became like aware of lint chocolate Oh, they started having it at the checkout at the grocery store. Yeah, and that was like Yeah, it's not that's decade. I'm not fucking being gluttonous. It's like a Parisian. I'm being fancy. Yeah Is that this I'm being continental? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. But Jake told the story about being one second

What where are you going? I'll fill us by the cat Jake yeah, Jake told his story and he used to have a job which is probably the most Jake job He ever had. What is it like a toilet? It's like a garbage toilet that you're sitting in. No, sorry What do you do? What is it to work on a meat truck? Oh, there's a truck that just drove around like Was he selling meat door-to-door not even like subscription meat like they would knock on people's doors and be like, hey, you want any You know anything like sausages really that was a job in Texas Jobs in Texas meat truck guy that kills retarded people Rockabilly bartender

Rockabilly bartender executioners working overtime number four is retarded murderer. You gotta keep the pipeline full Number five is governor Everyone takes turns being governor and they get that's cute. They get the final say on On whether or not to kill or they strap the retarded guy into the chair and he's like I go home didn't go home like you get one more chance and then he pulls the lever and then that thing spins around and lands on like a cow or Like that means no And then they even get scared and 500 volts of poison electricity in his veins

Didn't Rick Perry change it. We're like the The Texas oh yeah, we're used to work on a meat truck And he's like being tutored by the guy on the meat truck and the Art of meat delivery sure. So this is just They're not going to go like supermarkets. They're not going. Yeah, they're all sailor door selling me. Okay. Okay. Nice and Yeah, so they he brings Jake to the door and this is old couple And they're selling meats to this old woman. She's like now Do these steaks have any nitrates in them because my cousin my husband has a heart condition and he can't have nitrates and like

Ma'am absolutely not these are 100% nitrate free and then she was like, oh, that's amazing He's like great and they're like walking away and fucking Jake's like are there's really nitrate free steaks and he's like, oh, yeah, no, this is gonna kill those old those Oh, you're not this is regular steaks, but That's just part of being a salesman. Oh, yeah, wow the art of the deal Mm-hmm. Yeah, I remember when I was and when I lived at home in Baltimore for a year Before I lived with my boys I Would my mom would send me shopping sometime and she'd be like well make sure to get nitrate free

So lunch meats for grandma and it's like come on man, which you got four years tops Left, you know what I mean? We have to spend the the extra shit. Let it go out eating the good shit Yeah, lunchables lunchables. Let's put grandma on those little lunchable ham circles. Those are just made out of nitrates I don't know what that is, but yeah, I don't know what nitrates are either. I think it's like a pretty son It's like gnaws, dude. It's like what they use the shit and Capri son that makes you turn into a silver guy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah It turns you in a half pipe. Do you know how mad I was when I was six and I didn't turn silver when I drank a Capri son Oh, absolutely. All those commercials are like all this shitty food will make you better at being like a cool Athlete's got like fatter and more of a mountain dews whole whole market to wear orange sweat suits

Yeah in the crotch Hell yeah, dude. I had a green shit with an alien on the front. Yeah, dude I got the truth is out there. I would wear orange sweatpants. Yes, and I had like orange sneakers But for a brief period these orange new balances Mm-hmm, and then I would wear an orange hoodie with like flames on it. Very nice. That's cool, dude Yeah, very nice. Wow. I didn't wear jeans until I was 16 years old dude I remember I discovered my life when I was like a freshman in high school, which was like jeans and a black hoodie and

Then like sneakers and it's like oh you can just look like a normal person Just put on jeans and a hoodie, which is ironically like that was like the comedian outfit right back then So I think that's why I got into comedy. It's more jeans. You saw adults wearing those clothes Yeah, and they all just happen to be at open mics Yeah, I remember it's weird because I started going to open mics and I was like 16 and everyone else was like, you know Comedian age so 23 to 28 You know like level comedian and they would all wear like khakis with button-down shirts tucked in and remember thinking they were like Oh, these are like adults with serious lives, right? Yeah, and I turn that age and now I'm older than most of those guys were and I'd

I've never had a job where I would you know go to an open mic dress like that Yeah, that shit sucks. Yeah, see people I used I mean I used to in DC I was a paralegal and I would just and that's also when I was fat as shit Mm-hmm rest of shit, and I would just come through with the fucking the 3xl fucking big and tall Like flannels and the fucking dress pants with like oh, yeah me too the dress pants with the fucking Elastic waistband. Yeah, she was my favorite dude. Just going to the big and tall part of my life was just That was a tough time, bro. I was the most hard-working Schneider years. Well, you're big dude You know, I guess you're not very tall, but we already said that on the last one. Yeah

Yeah, I was bringing it back with a call back. Yeah, first of all, yeah, fuck that dude big and tall You go no big and tall all the models are just tall guys. Yeah, they're not that big. Yeah The Q fat boys put me on there. Let me model some fucking big and tall. I love that fat boy when you're a little kid is husky It's like a cute name for it. Yeah, I'm gonna start saying my I'm husky. Yeah, what happened to husky I remember husky just my kids. That shit was great Shit, yeah husky boy, and I remember saying it my mom was so good like nice and cute She's like making me proud of the adjective husky and I went to school and I was like I'm a husky You're fat

Fucking sad that day that husky turned I found out what it really meant. Yeah. No, I thought it was strong I used to love that shit my family be like, oh, he eats a lot because he's growing. Yeah, I just didn't grow Sort of just like a fat person that became a small person. Yeah, I still have that attitude I was I was my fucking dumbass doctor told me like my growth charts. I was gonna be six five Did he meet yeah me and asshole me and eldest my yeah my roommate who fucking is six six or whatever He's like six five six six with the fucker growth charts. I feel like I never went to the doctor as a kid You probably didn't yeah, yeah, I never had any of this shit done I remember my mom repeatedly telling me when I was growing up that like you're gonna be five one and gay

My mom would like preempt me being a sexual She would like, you know, if you're gay, I don't have a problem. She catch that kid like I'm like seven Is that why she said it? No, my mom's just weird Yeah, she's like, you know if you're gay, I wouldn't have any problems Incredible details just keep leaking every seven episodes we get we get a small little tidbit We're figuring out Nick through like echolocation through shit. He thinks his bullshit doesn't matter We'll just putting these together. No, I think my mom just wanted to like have like a fucking like a Best cool genderqueer, you know, like hippie son or whatever

Like shit when I was little she'd be like, don't cut your hair. You have such beautiful hair We go to stores and people will be like, and what a beautiful little girl with a vagina It's a five-year-old that has a pussy. It's gonna bleed one day. I'm like, no, I don't Like yes, you do just wanted a haircut so bad the first time I got like a fucking a crew cut when I was in like First or second grade. It was like the most liberating shit. Oh, yeah, dude I was cool finally dude had a cool haircut dog. The bowl the bowl was my shit dude I had a bowl. I had a bowl haircuts until probably I was like 13. Yeah, I had a bowl like a couple months ago I'm accidentally. Yeah, when I got it cut. Yeah. Yeah, I don't remember well

I didn't I didn't have I never went to like a nicer barbershop than the hair cuttery until I was 25 years old Mm-hmm. Oh, no, my mom was really embarrassing. She'd take me to her girl I'd have to go to salon fuck we used to go There's this fucking Greek guy who talked like fucking. Oh man. I forgot about this guy I thought my whole life. This guy was gay. He was like five one Just open fucking silk shirts every day. You had a perm a balding perm It's like head. He would talk like dr. Nick and I was just like oh man It's so cool. I was like man, and when I was like a teenager

I was like man, it's pretty cool like he was my dad's friend Christo and I was like hey mom. It's pretty cool that dad has a gay friend. She's like, oh that guy's not gay It was like yeah, he he he like cheats on his wife and fucks all the like women. He has the work solve Not only is my dad not progressive the only gay guy. I thought it was just a fucking another Like for foreigners and foreigners you can fuck your way into being gay huge zoan vibe Yeah, there was I when I worked at GameStop. There was like or maybe he was gay everyone else who worked there Everyone else who worked there was like a GameStop guy, right? Yeah, which is like white man male who fucks yeah, yeah, white guys that are like they kind of suck and

You know like me I guess And then like that laughing stock manager bill I told that guy story already and then the assistant manager John who I didn't get into as much But was also very funny also the the professional thieves guy. Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, that wasn't this those were the same guy. No, I assumed it was the same guy No shit his pants and drove from Bel Air to Silver Spring every fucking day It's not the guy who thought it was a profession. He was stealing. What was it game game game boy? Yeah, but the two of them were very concerned and John was the one that goes

That's just probably the work of a professional thief. I I almost had to leave the store to laugh at that guy. I can't believe that. What was so what was John's John more an Indiana Jones hat. I swear to God. Oh hell. Yeah, that was him It was bald and had a goatee. I mean, it's easy to conflate them for story's sake, right, right, you know Ha ha ha a guy that works at GameStop and right as a fucking loser My favorite moment was like we were all out on the loading dock smoking cigarettes And it was I was I was only ever the holidays It was like a temp job because you know, I think GameStop they might still do it

But employees get like 25% off everything damn during the holidays. Whoa, so I was like, yeah I'll just work at GameStop. Yeah, I remember that seasonal shit like I was literally just for the discount. Yeah, and We're standing out back and fucking bills like guys. I just want to I got some great news for you And he's like listing like stores and the numbers that they did and like our store. He's like our store $1.2 million in sales Whatever the number was some ridiculous number and then fucking John's like smoking a cigarette and like just waving his fist in the air Sailing like Yes

You don't see any Don't get a bonus here. I know fucking make $9 an hour. I remember that stupid that pride people had and like fucking Yeah, like I remember they tried to do that at the foreclosure law firm They're like, come on guys. We got to get we have to get we have to hit the certain if we get a hundred hearing scheduled You know, you get like a fucking pizza party and it's like you're literally just asking me to celebrate Kicking people out of their homes like that's what I'm supposed to fucking look forward to or the mortgage company at American government mortgage If you got someone to refinance you got like a twenty dollar bonus. Yeah

It's like, okay, this fucking piece of shit company just made how many thousands of dollars Yeah, the only place that ever did that where it worked out. I worked at a car dealership and it was like a family-owned car dealership Yeah, and I Remember a couple of Sundays they would bring in their like family pastor or some religious guy that they had known and he would like Sermon eyes, you know the staff the staff we would all sit there But then they had like this board up with it. We're and I can't remember. I'm like then my memories hazy of what it actually was I don't think it was jeopardy or or whatever But it was like a board with like numbers on it, you know like a grid of pieces of paper

And they'd be you know and they would call on you and you'd be like, I don't know like B5 if you got like an answer Correctly right off the board. They're like, yep Here's a check for $200 and they would just like give you free money. Whoa, and yeah, it was awesome I had like 75 bucks one time and nice, you know, but usually it was like an extra lunch or whatever But then at the end it'd be like and remember serve God serve your country and serve your company, you know Yeah, you know, that's the kind of kids like corny conservative people shit that I can get behind You know, it was you know what? It's like that was it they were like very nice to me considering what a like drunk fucking Yeah, ungrateful piece of shit

Like work at that place Imagine the the the guy that managed to use car lot was like the son of the dude that owned the dealership And he saw I had like shitty clothes and a nice clothes and he must have given me like a $1,000 worth worth of dress shirts, and I was like, yeah, thanks Are these all the colors you have yeah, yeah, yeah, he gave me like like 30 ties Really? Yeah, just so they were like so nice to me or and I was just I've blown off work and I just stopped showing up And you use them to like taught you tie them in together as like a pulley to jerk off like from this I like legitimately I remember cuz I left and I get when I was like I didn't show up for a month

And then I finally came in to like, you know get my last paycheck or something and the guy was like live it And he was like, you know you're young, but that was like your experience here was the most unprofessional thing I've ever seen I mean at the record yeah, I guess I because I interviewed well on it like I sold a car like my first day So, you know that's huge. Yeah, but I had sales experience, but my sales experience was like a cell phone Cell phone kiosk where I was a manager, and I heard this big black dude marked and I would make him go buy me 40s at the beer store nice at the beginning of my shift And then I would get drunk off Mickey's in the bathroom nice, and then just like fucking Wall Street money never sleeps Just sell the fuck out of some cell phone cases drunk as shit

Just loud black like you drunk like I'll give you some free ring time. She'd be like, all right I do want a next tell Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, I used to love interviewing. Well, and then just as soon as I interviewed a story in my life Yep, I'm of the shitty and it would it always take people like two to three months to realize That the person they interviewed was never showing up for work. Yeah, that it was just like oh at first I was like, oh, maybe just you know get getting his footing, and then it's like oh, this is a fucking shitty human being who tricked me Too late. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it was like I'm good at interviews in first day

You did that at Vox you got hired at Vox and they fired never said that on the pod you got fired a week later I got fired. I forgot you work. Yeah, that was that's the best situation You collect that unemployment for like a year after that for six months. Yeah, that was for a month of work Yeah, you don't remember that when I just wasn't working. No, I wasn't yet I was yeah, he just didn't have to work because Vox was like paying his fucking no I know it was the unemployment insurance. It was the government's state of Maryland. Wait, why wait the state of Maryland really? Yeah, oh, yeah, I well I was going through that breakup, and I just like couldn't pay attention to work What we should you were paralegal there?

Um, yeah, I was a paralegal. Yeah, you were sucking off. I don't know if I can really talk about it actually I can't Works at Vox so I can make a joke about you sucking their dick. I don't know enough about a glaceous You sucked off a madder glace. Yeah, dude. You went down. You ate his pussy Madder glaceous. I really wish I really His long Just a long Imagine this pussy it starts like I do I bet you I bet you so my first day was all the way down to his ass

I bet you I'm gonna get sued well fuckers, but if I bet you think it's sued I can't I signed the NDA when I left But this has nothing to do with With the job my first sign of fucking real quick. There was a I didn't hold on real quick I bet madder glaceous makes women eat his balls like a pussy You have to say allegedly allegedly. Yeah, allegedly madder glaceous makes women eat his balls like they're pussy So the first day my first day of work is just fucking loose flappy sack. Wait, let me tell this story You want someone licks his balls? Right with tic-tac size balls. All right somewhere in there

All right, let me tell this story my first day soft soft little raisin at balls Like a fat tumor on a dog, but they're not the women aren't even licking the actual nuts They're just licking the skin into his taint. He's married allegedly allegedly he's married And he's rich as fuck independently, but really yeah, his dad's like a romance novelist That's so yeah, he's like a rich New York City kid anyway Oh, so that's why he gets his yeah, yeah, that's why he looks like a pussy. Yeah, anyway I wish my dad was a romance novelist dude my dad. Can you imagine how good you'd be at having sex if your father was a romance novelist? That's probably why that's so good at having sex. Yeah

Oh, that guy looks like Can I please tell this fucking story? I learned how to fuck for my father He's wearing like a pirates costume I'm trying to carry the woman everywhere Have you come yet? No, stop carrying me Women don't need to be carried everywhere And then he carried me, women just want to be carried

Let's think about dumb bitches Oh yes, finally About time You want a fucking pirate to carry you somewhere, sweetheart Quit reading books You're drying up over there I'm going limp Hurry up, I only can stay off in three minutes at a time

I can only get on, but it's a full moon I got magnetons in my dick, I'm controlled by the tides High tide baby, he's a fucking nice cat They call me the Prince of Tides, because I'm like that guy from the movie Isn't that funny? And that I was raped by prisoners Doesn't the moon control the men? Have you seen that movie? No

The Prince of Tides? No It's like Nick Nolte, it's Nick Nolte, right? He gets raped? Is it Nick Nolte? It's Nick Nolte and Barbara Streisand I was confused Nick Nolte and the other guy Gary Busey I literally cannot remember which one of them it is

I think it's Nick Nolte He's a better actor than Gary Busey The story is, this guy's fucking sister kills herself in Manhattan So he has to go collect her shit And he makes friends with a therapist that's Barbara Streisand And she starts therapistizing him No thanks I went through his stories and all I remember is this scene

Where there's some local prison They grew up near in Louisiana And these two escaped convicts come in the house And rape him and his sister And the mom eventually has to Or maybe the sister has to stop the raping from happening I remember my mom renting that movie and we watched it And I was like, why did you make me watch it?

I was like, nine or something Always look out for prisoners, Nick Let me tell my Madaglase I won't care when you get raped It'll make me happy So Madaglaseus romance novelist So Madaglaseus allegedly raped someone when he broke out of prison Shut up, shut up, shut up

So it was my first day and there was a snowstorm So it was delayed Are you sure it wasn't your first gay? Yeah, it was my first gay at Vox I definitely was not his first gay I don't know what's up, but he looks out the window And there's all this snow coming down And he's like, snow gay

And then he's just fucking out He pulls out the ice dildo And he has this freezer He's a snowman He's a snowman, he's just sucking on a carrot He fucks himself with a frozen carrot But it's on a snowman's face So it's like he's getting fucked by his nose

We all remember that day at Vox Go ahead, Adam You couldn't come to open, Mike Because you were too busy Felating a snowman carrot I don't even get the bit Anyway, what bit? It's not a bit, it's just the truth

Snow gay? Is that the joke? What is that, first of all Let's entertain that we are doing a bit You don't have to go to work Instead of gay Instead of straight There was a blizzard overnight So I get an email from my like

Finally, you get to be free I get an email from my boss And she's like, I'm gonna be late And the receptionist isn't there A bunch of men running the polar express on Adam's ass That creepy animation is not quite The first guy in the line Has a red light tip dick

And they're like, you fucking first Rudolph? His ass is too wide We can see the way Rudolph, fuck Adam first We all thought your weird red tip dick was weird Until today The story of Hanukkah

One gay Jewish man's cavernous Asshole The guiding light in the biggest Asshole we've ever seen in our lives Okay, so, now then what happens? It's really not that good of a story The first snow day in box You're getting fucking the ass from Rudolph

The red dick terrain deer So funny Those were so good Rudolph the red dick gay guy Okay, so It's my first honey dick And if you ever saw him You'd say, is that going into Adam Friedler's ass?

And of course the answer is yes Adam's very gay And one faggy Christmas Eve Santa gave this a There's a war on Christmas So we can't do just Christmas anymore Now we have to celebrate Hanukkah And they do some weird shit

So let me explain So now we say happy holidays And we still have the tree But also Adam gets fucked That way everyone's happy Except the Muslims Because who knows what they do during December Yeah, they don't really have anything to do

Can you be Muslim and celebrate Kwanzaa? Yeah You could do both, yeah Kwanzaa was invented in like 1993 Yeah I'm pretty sure Nike came up with Kwanzaa I thought it was a B-plot on Martin Yeah

And that's how it started Gina, we're gonna make our own holiday Cole's like, can I play Ronald McDonald? Cole, get the steppin' Ronald McDonald is not part of Kwanzaa Damn Ah, fuck Alright, Tommy, you're gonna be the snow globe

Because of your bald ass head That's not funny, Martin I hate being bald There's no cure We had a lot of fun on today's episode of Martin But if you know someone who's bald Please don't hurt their feelings Anyway, it was a snow day

But it was delayed, it was snowed overnight So the roads were fucked So my botanist was there And I'm just standing in the lobby And I remember looking down the hallway And I just see this fupa Just walking towards me Like the

The distance between The belt And vagina area On that gentleman's And we won't say who it is Midsection is One of the funniest things I've ever seen in my entire life I love fat guys doing that

See, Stav knows the way to wear pants It goes under your stomach Under the stomach It's unbelievable when a fat guy tries to get half the Like we're fuckin' What the fuck is going on You're getting half your stomach And we forget that you're fat as shit

Come on, man You just have a big fat pussy Absolutely You let the stomach hang down like a gentleman You don't fuckin' try to trap that shit with a belt But then the belt, come on bro You acquire that Beautiful

Trucker-esque potbelly You look like you bathe on the side of the road Yeah Oh, fuck So, yeah, then he's like That's what I help you That's what I help you You have a romance novelist, dad

They don't show you how to put pants on there He never, his dad never wore pants He was always dick out Silk rope From the house Here's that Here's his dad He's just like extremely a fat

He's going around In this fucking, completely see-through You know Like almost like a Like a transparent shower curtain A shower rope But it's like coming down the long Staircase

In the morning like Maddie Don't burn the toast again I have writing to do But then he goes A millimeter penis But he does fuck But he heard his parents fuck all the time

That guy Fucked Maybe, I don't know I think he did, the author fucked The dad I think he fucked I actually think that probably romance novelists don't have that much sense Who's his dad?

Julio Iglesias Gabriel Iglesias Chewy Fluffy Fluffy That's his brother Two titans

One of comedy You know the right way to wear a pair of pants Right? Shit, I got this brother He's a blogger He's a blogger for Vox Yeah He writes little letters

His brother doesn't know it's not Vox All is Hispanic Let her chew Crushing, whatever you fucked at me I already told him What's wrong with you? Let her chew Yeah, that's Spanish

What does choco mean? I don't know Chupa No, that's just a Taco Bell menu item No, it's like fake Spanish Chupa means get your dick sucked Chupa means get your dick sucked Chupa means panga

It also means lollipop Which I love It means getting your dick sucked and a lollipop Chico is just that ramen place That we go to by my house Chico is like a little boy Chiquito Cute or something

Chiquita banana Yeah, exactly Do you guys want to fuck the Chiquita banana lady? And this is something I used to beat off to raisins All the time Well, no, the little raisin box Fitting your pockets so you can bring him into a public restroom And jack off the lady with all the fruit on her head

I used to, yeah, I used to fuck the raisins Yeah, I'm gonna fuck your hat I'm gonna stick my dick right in the middle of that That way you watch her upside down Looks like a fucking her brain You beautiful migrant worker You beautiful slave Man, no, the Chiquita banana lady, though, was hot

I never beat off to her See, that's, I will say Wasn't she just like an outline drawing? No, she was hot I think there was some media where she was fleshed out I think there was a commercial I don't remember Yeah, there's been commercials where she dances

She's hot, dude Shout out to the Chiquita banana She's a spicy Latina Is she cartoon? Oh, yeah, dude, Sofia Vergara Probably the hottest woman on earth Spanish people are so latchrous Who's that?

Oh, was she Tony Parker's wife? No, motherfucker, you know who it is Who is Tony Parker's wife? Eva Mendez Longoria Yeah, and Tony Parker cheated on her while by fucking one of his teammates Longoria

You fucking smoke weed You guys ever hear about weed? That's a good character Sorry I apologize, I'm just trying to make friends Yeah, I'll hang out here at the Home Depot parking lot and just try to interact with folks

of your color Look, I grew up racist I'm trying to make black friends I know they like weed I've never done it personally But if I say it at them they might accept me for who I am

4'11'' cowboy Oh, I want to be a cowboy I want to be a cowboy, baby I want to be a cowboy, baby What about a cowboy from hell, dude? What song is that? It's such a shitty song It's such a shitty premise

Yeah, I know, it's like Oh man, I want to fucking write a song about fucking cowboys but it's not badass enough What if they were like from hell? That's fucking perfect Nice

That's Pantera, right? Dimebag, Daryl, motherfucking Phil Anselmo Do you remember the deep ass voice, dude? Nick was doing the Phil Anselmo tour of New Orleans He's like this is where Phil Anselmo

jacked off from New Orleans The rest of them are from Texas Pantera is like a Houston band or a Dallas band Little Panhandle band Well, that's what Pan stands for Panhandle, Terra

It's Pansexual, actually Yeah, it's Pansexual, Terra I'd fuck someone named Terra who is Pansexual There's gotta be a bunch of trans metal bands Trans-Talica Yeah, Trans-Talica Kiss My Prostop fucked up dick

That's a kiss cover band Used to be a Manzig There you go KCDC KCDC Iron Pussy Byer and Maiden

Yeah, Byer and Maiden, there you go Fuck Judas Paris cut my dick off Oh, yeah, there we go There we go, brother Judas Paris That might be his best joke we've ever told on this podcast

So stupid That might be the most mature, refined joke Please I love all the midget bands, I love how many There's Mini Kiss There's another one There's a Mini ACDC, I think too They wear the same size shorts

as the regular ACDC though You took those fucking old Australians down a peg Sit down, Australians What is it with the city just being infested? One of them has a fucked up One of them has some kind of disease I think the lead singer was replaced at a certain point

Yeah, they were placed with another Anus and Clitoris, right? Angus is the guitarist Anus, young Anus And old Clitoris Sweet Boy Pussy Two traditional Australian names Sweet Boy Pussy

What I'm Sweet Boy Pussy But my friends call me George Anytime you're meeting an Australian man named George, his real name is Sweet Boy Pussy That's a little unnamed fact about Australia that a lot of people don't want really to get out

But it's true And you can repeat that directly to my face and any other Australian you ever meet Every Australian named George his real name is Sweet Boy Pussy That's what's on their brush Yeah, it's true

I can't deny it and none of the other ones can either Oh yeah What is it with this city just being infested with drunken Australians? There's a lot of them There's a lot of them There's an Australian personal trainer My gym is really hot

I would love to fuck Australian Dude, I'd fuck man I won't take tips Could you all do another Do another one Oh my god, dammit That's a horrific way to talk It's almost like she's deaf

What is it with them when they say it's a disability They say no Accidents because there's something wrong with her I'm from Jersey My father was deaf and an alcoholic and he would beat me Never landed a talk probably

Never landed a talk With a descendants of criminals and whoas Yeah, what is it with Do they add an R at the end when they say no They're like no I was so drunk It's called personal flair I was so drunk

The other night I took heaps of molly Just heaps of molly cake I was so fucked Shout out to all of our Australian listeners though There's a lot of them

Shout out to Sydney Is Perth one of them There's only three cities in Australia It's Melbourne, Sydney and Perth Yeah, they got an island Adelaide, that sounds hot Dude, I found some fucking reef I sent it to Dana, I found some town in Australia

That was like Hibberbury, billaboo Oh man, I gotta go back and find it It sounded fucking fake They have comedy festivals and shit I don't have time to get there Every Australian I've met has been cool as shit

Me too But I've only been chill with Melbourne people They always shit on Sydney people Adam has a snobbery about his Australia Okay, hold on How many people of Australian descent would you characterize?

How many Australian Americans All the Australians that I've become friends with are from Melbourne How many of them are there? Seven Right now? Look at his line Young Angus

They always shit on Sydney They say that Melbourne is much more chilled out The entire country is It's like a country of Texans. Yeah, they're all big. Yeah, they're all drunk and loud I don't wear they wear weird clothes. They look fighting. I'd love to see some big Australian titties up close I wonder what it's like. It's like a magnifying glass. It's really inspect Yeah, we gotta help to put a couple in my mouth and suck on them

Yeah, I have some shrimp on the Barbie. I have an affinity with the Australians because you know, I'm also a former colonial British From the common descendant. Yeah for a Commonwealth descendant. So so you suck the king's dick Not me. Stop dude. Hell. No, dude. We never bend the knee for anyone, dude Oh, no, don't tread on us motherfuckers. I respect any type of monarchy from any country I think that they're all magical the Saudis. I love them. Yeah, what the fuck did Rihanna start dating some start Is he some Saudi? He's like a billionaire. Oh, fuck man. That's how these get, you know, I mean I'm trying to be a Sultan. I just bought an all-white tracksuit. Mm-hmm. I'm not jealous dude

It's first of all, it's got like this extended collar that goes all the way up to past my ears And I like I put it on earlier and I just really want to go hang out with Japanese guys on St. Mark's That's smoke cigarettes with Japanese guys. Isn't it punks on St. Mark's? Wasn't isn't that the vibe? There's a lot of Japan Japanese people What are they doing there? They wear tight. They dress like you like me. Thank you. That's company They wear like flood pants. I follow a lot of Japanese street style accounts on Instagram. Yeah, you're a fucking loser You fucking like I'm not a loser. I'm pretty cool Yeah, you know, first of all you buy way more clothes than I do only and they all look stupid and they're all Tracks, maybe Nick buys money to look dumb as shit on purpose. Stop sucking up to Nick

Okay, I'm not sucking up to me. It's me and him are on the same page. Yeah You understand agreeing with people Because you're such a detestable individual That any any any sign of camaraderie between two individuals looks like some sort of social purchase That was a clear suck up that's a suck up I because I say he buys shitty clothes. He spends money to look stupid is literally what I said No, you can say it I suck up to him Suck up to this dick Adam and what I mean up I mean suck it just stop sucking up dude suck this dick

So Adam the cat shit Adam Adam is doing Adam's finally hitting the weights the weight room Yeah, I'm on one of the come boys DM me from you guys making fun of my weight and my size and my body in general and Put me put me in in Get with to set me up with some links on a workout regime bodybuilding sculpting regime. So he's doing all pros He's on a four-day split. I'm doing go mad. Just wait. Hold on I don't know if all pros is four-day split somebody's gonna email me angry about that

What is all pros all pros is like a beginning bodybuilding program? No, no I think it's a I think it's a three-day full body. I'm doing starting strength, which is a three-day full body program Yes, and tell everyone what happened at the gym My new friend corrected me on my form Gianni from Benson Hurst He said whoa, bro, bro. What the fuck are you doing? You're gonna be a chiropractor's fucking dream, bro And then he corrected me and he was like He's like you got a fucking put you put you We're doing deadlifts. I was deadlifting scene. Where were we? I was deadlifting. I was at the New York sports

Now, where were you dead? Were you deadlifting in the squat rack? I was deadlifting next to the squat rack, okay? All right. I mean it wasn't on the rack. It was on the floor. Sure, of course Yeah, and Gianni came up to me. He's like dude. What are you doing? Are you working out your hamstrings? You're back. I was like my I think hamstrings and he said, bro You're doing it all wrong and then he worked me out Gianni. He's a very nice guy. He's Clearly on steroids. How long did he work with you specifically? I don't know. It was a good five minutes But it felt like ours. He sees he came up to me He sees your little girl because I was trembling under the weight at first of all

I was trying to do too much way everybody deadlifts wrong. I was a easy Look at somebody and say they're deadlifting wrong. Yeah, because I mean I was lifting with my lower back looks Objectively like it could fuck you up. Somebody's fucking aggressively knocking on the door I don't know who that is on your door. Yeah, oh damn But did like the margin of error where it's like, yeah, I would never say anything to anyone even though I appreciate a horrific form deadlifting. Yeah, how bad Adam had to be For this this Guido to fucking go up to him and tell him like you're gonna put yourself in the hospital He was wearing like big spaghetti strap tank top. He's one of those buff guys that had like of the very thin straps on his tank top

Yeah, anyway, so that's gonna be me in the summer. He kept telling me like he so he worked on form With me and then he kept telling me explode through the hips explode explode and Yeah, now I'm like I guess like 215 deadlift about 390 I think last I checked which is like, you know, it's a normal amount No, that's like terrible if you weighed 215 and you're only deadlifting. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean I'd be pretty pathetic I'm I'm at 115. Um, fuck is this knocking on the door? Oh, it's probably a girl that wants to fuck me really badly Yeah, so she's knocking on the door very hard

So, um, come up here and have sex. Yeah, it was very funny that that Guido Gianni from Bensonhurst helped me out But I appreciated it. I was like listen stay one I've never done a deadlift before I just watched a video on this website and shout out to the Comeboy for whoever that was for sending me in the right direction with bodybuilding I'm gonna I'm gonna show my bullies Nick and stuff. I Forever show them. It's gonna be like that episode of red and stimpy where he gets titty implants That's a good app. What we're gonna do. I'm gonna beat you guys up at the beach No, we're doing the podcast we're doing the show

All right, so What so Nick what what's your how you've been how you've been lifting the recently lift boys? How have I been? Yeah, yeah, pretty terrible. Do you unfat myself from Los Angeles really? I don't know. Maybe I'm just old now, but like yeah, you are yeah I like it used to be I would go back to the gym and I would like to just you know be pretty easy to Not be fat anymore and look all right. It's just not changing welcome brother Yeah, I guess I have another is whatever who cares dude I I thought I was eating like a lot

But I clearly did not because I woke up this morning emaciated. Well, you got to drink your own cum Okay, I'm in a work on that. Oh, yeah, did Gianni explain that to you put your own DNA I explained a couple things to me about like Kosinostra code of silence The fact that if the fucking isis wants to come over here, we'll show them what we were made of right, you know He told me a lot about that but not not a lot about a diet But you know I respect your size. Yeah, but I was like at the end. I did say to him commend a Tory now That's respect and we both kissed each other on the mouth. That's pretty nice. Yeah

So do you have to have the small pranos? How about that? What was the guy that Tony beats up after he gets back? Muscles marinara. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I love the shot. That scene is a shot. So that's an incredible So that guy's like arms and then fucking Tony's like in security. Yeah, and fucking back to Paulie being like I used to be the strongest Guy in the army. Yeah, I did the pull-up contest. Yeah Paulie fucking rules. Paulie's the best. He's the best. He's an illiterate joke of human being. He looks like a cartoon character Yeah mafia guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's a former con. Yeah He's like the Snoop Pearson of the sopranos like a me of but I wonder you think he killed you think Paulie ever killed anybody, dude The real Paulie, maybe I don't know Italians have to kill their own father. Otherwise, they're not allowed to hit puberty

Well, they have to do it to protect their mother. I thought they had to fuck their own mother They do eventually. Well, that's why they that's how they hit puberty. That's why it's a puberty is in Italy So you have sex with your mother and you kill your own father to do it then you either become a You know the velour track suit criminal or a fucking sad clown Puglia, Puglia Ducci Puglia Cci Puglia Puglia, Puglia Puglia

Yeah, there's a story I went to my therapist and I was like I Fucked you good doctor How do I get my mind off of this? Yeah, what did your therapist say? You should go see fuckly adou Ci. He's the clown that fucks the best It'll get your mind off of how good you fuck and then I looked at him. I was like, but doctor I am fuc-ly a douchey. Oh wow. Wait, so is this is that a real story? Alright, we're running out of steam here Let's go back to the stop is the reindeer man. I have food poisoning by the way We're gonna roll the tape back. Let's take a second pass through those chicken wing bones that we already fucking ate

That one was good for me I wish we had done a little bit better on the song to be honest with you boys. Yeah. Yeah Root off the red dick Dick what is he like a dog? Yeah, he's got a red nose Adam. Have you ever you don't know about root off the red nose? Have you ever what's how far have you gone with your dog? How far have I gone sex? We watched you play with her nipples the other day. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I figured her Have you never a finger with the vet told you you had to do it, of course you wouldn't just put the dog down

The vet is a medical professional. I'd listen to her. Yeah, but medical professionals. I mean, you know, 15 years. My vet is So that medical professionals said being gay was so hot What 15 years ago medical professionals said being gay was a disease. Yeah, and that's what makes them You know as a member of PETA when I'm fighting for it's a time when we outlaw veterinarians Mm-hmm, and they include dog and cat medicine in medical school Mm-hmm. You have to become an actual doctor to operate on animals. Who are people? Yep. Yeah, the lgbtcd Hamster snakes canaries just dogs lgbtqd Dogs are part of queer culture now guys deal with it

Fuck dude, I feel like shit I had a warm pokey outdoors and I have food poisoning. Yeah, and stop you want to tell us about how you actually It sounds like you got to poison it. That's me Put your hand out for me to high five All the time dude Why do you have to make I've never actually see I've known you guys for both I don't know like five or six years now, and I've never seen you high-five once we high-fived at the show the other day I don't think we did a snap and Nick's like that's nice to you the snap

I was being ironic. No, you weren't being ironic. You're being sincere, you know The I don't remember any gentlemen deep down Nick Mullen is a sincere sensitive young man Yeah, everybody is so is Hitler. No, that's not you have layers Yeah, it was and some would consider to be armor And inscribed to burned into the armor is is all sorts of symbols throughout your life that some people see as scars and others See as insignias like a swastika well sig runes or marks of the Templar I consider my shield of irony to to be a battle hardened Carcass over whatever sincerity may like Darth Vader's suit

Yes, you know and while I may be have been good at one point or underneath it all I am nobody remembers that character in the shitty or other movies Yeah, they remember Darth Vader Empire Strikes Back Most evil guy in the world shitty fucking shit up right who fucked the hero's mom by the way nice Which is what he should have said rather than I am your father Fuck That would be me version of dark And I got a bunch of buttons on my chest and it's actually just a Tim Allen soundboard

I don't think so Tim For crying yeah, Jill Randy Jill Jill Jill. I fucked your mother Jill and then one button that sucks your dick. Hey Wilson. Hey Wilson. I don't think so Tim Did they have this? Did they have an episode where Mark? Yeah, that's a 30-minute scene where Darth Vader is just playing the Tim Allen soundboard laughing to himself Not even laughing just statistically pressing the buttons After Luke has fallen out of that fucking shaft or whatever before the movie ends Oh

Um, wasn't there an episode where Mark went goth. Yeah, Mark's goth and like the last couple of seat the last season of the show Wait, there was a season where he was goth. I think so. Yeah, it's like the last one when like the Joker like both gone to college. What are we playing? What are we talking about? I'm improving. It's mark CJ. Oh, yeah, he was hot. He had like that fucked up dog collar Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it was the one that ended up fucking like some old lady It once that once the show ended he married like some fucking woman There's an episode of that show where they find pot in the back. I love that episode They're like fucking like well we experimented when we were kids and it's like just Tim Allen went to prison for dropping a massive

amounts of cocaine blow an amount of cocaine that 99.99999 percent of people will never see in their entire life. Yeah, unlike us. Yeah Yeah, we you know is a thousand pounds. It's easy to remember. It was weird when you had all that weed and I was just like Yeah, I know you have like five. I was like it was a fucking insane amount of weed I had two pounds of weed. He had like 19 pounds of weed in his apartment. Yeah taking pictures within shit I remember like if I had never took if I didn't like 15 years old and I had five pounds of weed in my hand So it would have been like I'm for I'm 50 cent You know, absolutely. I'm the coolest guy in the world. Yeah, I remember when I got ironic

I stopped smoking weed. I don't know why cuz you're maybe it was my cheap Jew like good nature Yeah, I'm glad I got that out of the way before I turned 30 Becoming a briefly becoming a drug before you became 30. Although, you know the way You're a dirty old man. Jamel does it so well like he'll be like yeah By the way, I do sell weed like on stage and then he'll sell mad weed after a show But like I feel like I'm afraid to do that stop blowing up your he's not friend spot, dude What he talks how dare you dude? He's under apparently he's under criminal investigation. No, he's not dude. He's in Cali dude. It's it's legal. It's legal, bro

It's how they finally passed two things dope CP child pornography Take that Donald Trump Yeah, we're gonna we're gonna fucking totally get Donald I heard some guy talking about the other day He was like, you know, yeah, do you see the latest thing? Apparently had this charity this Christian charity and all the money was going to his businesses. So Yeah, we're probably gonna be able to do an emoluments clause Yeah, all these constitutional scholars Can we just stop just stop saying things you heard. Yeah, and also having these dumb smug conversations

My roommate had this friend who's like the dumbest girl I've ever met and like she came over after the election and She just lectured everyone on what the electoral college is and it was probably the most like I wanted to fucking kill her I would I would kill her. I mean, shut the fuck up. You She was like I just out of cycle. I don't really do this But my friend Gianni just told me how to explode through the hip So I finally have confidence for the first time in my life. I do feel confident and I am I am about to break a nail on you Dude, I can't use stairs Because my ass and you got those doms. Yeah, I like first workout doms, dude

Dude, I'm like walking up and down stairs like I got raped in a prison shower But you probably squatted too heavy then I squatted too heavy. Yeah, where were you squatting? I played on each side. Oh, yeah, that you're starting way too high for for like a off the couch I mean, I used to like go to the gym, but I never I never squatted or did deadlifts I like did like bullshit. You shouldn't start it like your body weight. Is that my body weight? It's probably more play. How much is 135? Okay. Yeah, that's my body weight 135 is a fucking you should weigh 135. No, dude. Yes, you should that's what women way you're five foot two Dude, you should be 135. You're not 65. Yes. I am both me and Stover

Easily clear six six The two of us. I'm a dunk on your ass bitch. I tower over both of you. I will be Needs to know this. I am the tallest of all bitch. You're a half inch smartest Yeah, you're cutest. You're not cute. I have a lot more sex than both of you. I fuck I Just don't brag about it like you do. I don't brag about it. You brag about all the time. No, that's not true Yeah, you do like a humble brag thing. Yeah, I had to have sex I have to break up with some girl who looks exactly like me Yeah, I gotta hang out in Brooklyn and I fuck women they don't look exactly like me. That's not true

They have the same body as me. I have sex with a smorgasbord. You're just what you're doing is you're a regular In this Brooklyn house of mirrors, I don't have sex in Brooklyn. I only have sex. I only have sex in the Bronx With the chukos you go get you By the way, dude Cardi B. Do not look at that. I fucking love you know, I'm gonna I'm gonna create a phone service, right? She's for the hood where the minutes are free if you're repeating yourself You get free beef minutes where the phone has an algorithm that says like, you know, like but that isn't your man's But that isn't your man's but that isn't your man. He's cheating on you He's cheating on you every time you repeat yourself. It doesn't deduct from your time

So if you have a four and a half hour conversation on the bus where it says are you gonna let me finish? Are you gonna let me finish? Are you gonna let me finish? Are you gonna let me listen? He is not your man Are you gonna let me finish? Are you gonna let me finish Maria Maria Maria? Listen, are you gonna let me finish? That was just three seconds out of your contract You know rather than the duration of at least my ride on the bus every day that I listen to I Don't get that time back in my life, but you get it back on your phone. That's great Mm-hmm. I like that Let's start fucking in the Bronx, dude

That was I was talking to a girl the other day and there's a girl that just kept saying in the phone like I have been waiting to put Hands on you Oh my god, there is nothing I want more than to put hands on you Okay, because I know listen to me. Okay. I love I just want a day the girl like that Who's just mean to me? Yeah, you want to fetishize and objectify. I'll do the real people You want to you want to you want to it's a culture not a cost take away, right exactly, dude These are beautiful women of color that have a respectable culture that me and stop are simply appreciating

Absolutely, so characterization and works of fiction and by being artists really and you come in with like I want to have sex with her And it's just that's not what my voice is disgusting and it's it's frankly It's disrespectful to those women and it's disrespectful to the character I was doing and I cannot wait to put hands on you. Yeah, you go. Okay This part of Nick's psyche Again, I'll wait to put on Listen to me No, because I saw you I know I know that was I heard that spring next to our ringtone and I knew it was your ass

Coming out of his bedroom. I Told Victor he could cheat on me nine times. That's it He gets nine times to cheat on me, but he does it again. That's the end of it. I Fuck dude, I don't need it. I don't need a gangster Not anymore I'm a gangster, dude. I'm about to start doing crimes Yeah, I'm start fucking robbing people. No, you're not why not because you got too much writing on it, dude You're right. You got all you have a career. You know, I say anything. I love you

I don't want to say anything, but you love you. I have a division one basketball scholarship on the table from the University of Kentucky Dude, Calipari. Yeah, Johnny Cal. You're probably gonna go first round. I'm probably will do I'm a holdout You're one and done for sure. I'm one and done. You're one and I'm gonna go play with you honest for sure Yeah, how about that NBA draft Nick? What'd you think? I started thinking about the movie the number 23 Oh, that movie is so bad. I saw that in the theater. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah Yo, what's that? What's that freshman year of college in the theaters? I wanted to see it, but I never did I'm first of all. I don't know what Jim Carrey is even doing in the movie

It's like he's not acting so much as he's like just excited to be in the movie. Interesting. Yeah Well, he was a but it's fucking retarded. It's I remember they were pitching it like some fucking awesome It's like psychological thriller. Yeah, I'm sure somebody thought that's what it was and what was it? It's like he just sees the number 23 everywhere. Michael Jordan cocks his cocks him. Yeah. Yeah, Michael Jordan kills his The funniest part is that he's like goth like leather duster kind of guy. Yeah, he's like a cop and weird shit with his hair Mm-hmm. Is he Scientology? He's got some weird shit You know the most tragic thing in the world is one like a fucking funny person wants to be taken seriously But he is a good actor

I mean, that's why comedy is being ruined is because all the fucking comedians gonna be like actually I'm Intellectual now. Yeah, I hate that. Yeah, just admit you're stupid, man I'm stupid as shit. All I'm good at is making people laugh by talking about stupid. I'm a fucking genius, but no You're serious, and it's also I focus on being hilarious through my geniosity I've been doing luminosity. Oh man. How bad did you want to fuck that woman from the luminosity commercials? What is that remember that shit? I don't like to be smart like they're like you come on It's like a girl that picks a haircut and she'd be like it's like fucking. It's like doing push-ups for your brain I thought it was like a like a hot natural hair black girl

No, I mean they had a bunch of people in the commercials, but there was one girl in the fucking luminosity commercial It was I think it was Lumosity Yeah, it is Lumosity. Well fucking retards. You smart Dude, I knew what it was. No, you didn't I've actually I've done I did all of them Imagine being such a fucking stupid idiot that you take I have to download an app to be smarter Beyonce was in one of those ads insecure piece of shit. You're like, yeah, I'm gonna do puzzles for babies Until people respect me dude. It's proven that angry birds makes you wet like wilds. Yeah You're spatial understanding. Yeah. Yeah, you get crazy smart from that. How about come on city? Oh, yeah

No, I see this woman. Yeah, we should do an app come on city. Yeah, you know what? I don't really want to fuck with that much. I'm looking at it right now You don't stuff the one with the pixie haircut. No. Yeah, I'm a black girl. You were talking about yes 100 Emily is the one And there's a redhead that I'm all in. Yeah, look dude if you just type in Lumosity is like the populates girl naked pictures Jack off previous searches that I've done Everybody doesn't yeah, I guess now looking at it again. Not so much. I think it was more the mannerisms or whatever. Yeah, her spirit. Yeah That's cool. What else is going on guys. I don't know Davros is sick. No, you don't tell me to shut up. I do

Don't tell me to shut up. I made a business out of telling you to shut up. He told me that in the next time I listen to come down You listen to me all the bullies you again. You explode through the hips explode through the hips point with your pinky Just he formed this big. Yeah, he pointed with this pink, but just to speak no no no index pinky thumb, dude Oh my god. I love that. That's the best love pointing like that. Yeah, that's the best rock hands It's like rock and roll. Yeah, it's like rock and roll, but sideways like a double point middle finger pointing with two fingers at any time It's awesome. Oh, man. Try this out. This is great. You fucking listen to me. You fucking bitch Wow, this is great. I feel like Michael Douglas It's I still this is a powerful business. There's some about pointing with two fingers that I love listen to me

You fucking piece too non-consecutive fingers pointing with the shocker. You're gonna come over. You're gonna fuck my wife I'm gonna fuck your wife, and then we're gonna make money in the stock market We're gonna fuck the stock market. We're gonna fuck each other's wives. I'm gonna fuck you. You're gonna fuck me I'm Michael fucking Douglas, and this is fucking Greatest fucking movie of the 1980s. That sounds like a good one. What if a man had a brain made out of leather? Leather suede brain Compacted by years of cocaine abuse and sunglasses that prevented any kind of light from reaching his retinas Cavernous leather brain that turned him into a fuck machine that said fuck you and fucked and got fucked and never got his dick

Hard completely, but he still had sex Directed by Tony Scott Dude, I'm so sad he died. I wish I was really so sad that Tony Scott died No, he's committed suicide Loom Ozzie girl that fucking being suggested we must see girl sexy really for the first result is this Grandma Are you serious what the fuck dude bring room on any girl sexy Why do you bring brings up you get Starbucks gift from Wild West dude Bing is like what no

Nick uses it because he gets Starbucks gift card somehow out of it. Look at this is one of the other results This is man. We're like Abercrombie in one picture and then his dick's out. That's good stuff. You get Starbucks gift cards out of using Yeah, dude, but they pay you to use Bing you get all sorts of shit Yeah, GameStop gift cards Amazon gift cards Starbucks gift cards. How do you do that? It's like five dollars a month and free fucking shit No way. Yeah, just sign up for Bing rewards bring rewards calm Use promo code come town to get me free rewards So all you have to do is have a podcast get Bing to sponsor you my being yet. No no big rewards It's like it's cuz it sucks Bing sucks dick. Damn. Imagine being that bad at being a surgeon. You have to pay

It's like it's like a fucking kid who sucks those dads like I'll buy your friends ice cream Kids ice cream Yeah, oh the rich kid you had to hang out. I'm gonna be one of those dads to my son I remember that even though I said like I need it. I'm gonna preemptively go to the school and be like Attention everyone. My name is mr. Mullin. I'm I'm Nancy's father Yeah, everyone knows Nancy's a faggot I wouldn't hang out with him either, but I have a lot of money So if you hang out with him, I'll buy you video games

Just make sure he knows that you don't actually want to be friends Okay, thank you. Yeah, dude, I can't wait to be a loving father to my children I remember there was a kid like that who's like this Russian kid in elementary school and His dad used to like just throw the wild like fancy rich kid birthday parties at a tennis court pool And like so we'd like hang out with him get like that good good food and shit anyway, so Um, once I'd hang out with him sometimes and his dad just had this young Russian guy driving a jaguar I remember the first time I'd ever seen a jaguar been in a jaguar and he was like his dad's body man

He would basically drive Alex around. He took us to go see first kid was in bed first kid ruled anyway It turns out like two years after that. We I guess we're in third grade together guys We should watch all this in bad movies together. Yeah, we should They go to Australia his dad his dad ran from the from the fed story like Russian Mafia. Yeah, damn Yeah, it was crazy. Yeah, and then she's not a bad story. Yeah. Yeah, it was it was pretty wild Well, maybe someone better at stories You're looking at your phone right now The story was almost wasted by it having him happen to Adam I

Wish I could have been told by a better story teller I remember he was like, uh, he was like like the garrison keeler of our group It's very good. The gales one the oldest one in your gay You are the oldest one. You don't brag about that that often. That's not cool to be old. It's cool to be tall You're not even tall. I am tall. I tower over you guys You're like just your average height for an American and you guys are tiny actually I'm average height and I'm a little taller than average Um I'm gonna kill myself. I feel horrible, dude. Yes, I feel better for some shit. What's good for you?

Stop you got upset. You're like can we wrap? Can we wrap this out on the pod? Maybe you got upset that about that. I don't like to titty fuck. Yeah, we talked about it on the pot. No, no stop stop Stop, uh, wait, this is where this conversation happened. Yeah on the I was thinking about it because we thought I was Stop is a went on a tweet storm yesterday about it. So I just wanted to to talk on the pod about it Yeah, it's ridiculous to not want to fuck titties, but we have covered it. No, it's for 15 year olds What I like that's kind of an autistic thing. What things that are the wrong size like a giant pencil like a Really into that shit. I was afraid of when I was it when I was a kid I know we're going with this is where am I going big big fucking chocolate bar the big Hershey's kiss

Oh, there's a big Hershey's kiss Yes, like a piggy bank and I was like this huge Hershey's kiss and I me as an autistic five-year-old was like This is the greatest thing in the world It's the wrong size. Yeah, it's just massaging this fucked up part of your brain But those are small inverted neurons or whatever the fuck happens and Yeah, doesn't he talk about that in the accountant like things they're non What's it called? Whatever. I'm gonna get I'm gonna buy a big book of different swatches of textures that I can feel

That's cool. Yeah, my friend told me that he learned how to jack off with beaver pelts Damn, nice. Yeah, that's like Roosevelt He's the fuck like pelts and furs I'm gonna know rich was he go out and you pick up some organ tail friend Yeah, so the Oregon tail dude. I learned how to beat off. Yeah, oh, no. Yeah, he fucked them while they were the animal Yeah Jack off with the remains of a native tribe that I

eviscerated for the 50 cent bounty for each scalp, yeah, I Bet you fucking brains would feel good. Yeah, like a name is a lot of songs about it Really? Yeah, most Marilyn Manson songs about that Isn't skull fucking that's like a big thing and in metal. Yeah, but doesn't skull fucking just means in the ear No, you're getting used to means howling out and pulling an eye out of the socket and it's fucking really Yeah, I thought so but then it became like just blowjobs. That's I thought it's like a real intense blue. Yeah, that's face fucking or mouth Fucking yeah, I think I've heard skull fucking lumped in

With those I thought it was you put it in an ear But like how could you even get a dick in an ear? Don't don't fucking disparage yourself Adam. I'm sure you could fit your dick in an ear at least Oh guys guys guys you walked right into that No, that was automatic dude now you're sucking up to stuff Suck up to this dick All right, I said yeah suck up to his dick Adam Nice starting at my starting at my toes stop your dick is looking very nice today. Thanks, bro. I

Just wanted to give you a compliment. Oh, man. I'm so happy about this track suit. Yeah, fuck you Oh guys Adidas now has a Fucking what else are you happy about a white track suit? With white striping to blue stripes. Oh, that's your the white They make the white striped one in like that Tiro or whatever that low tier bullshit tracks It is but not now they have like a superstar the the the higher-end All white tracks suit with blue stripes with blue striped It's great. Nick is doing it for Israel. He's doing it for his pro occupation. Yes

I'm doing it for Israel. He's a crypto Sod agent. Yeah started a podcast to attract Nazis to the cause. Yeah, it starts off with small things like telling them to vote for Bernie Sanders Eventually, it's It becomes fascist again, but for Israel. Yeah, I don't know exactly how it works I think that's how it works. All right. Yeah, we got to figure out a way to end this one quick 30-second movie review I Just watched

They come at night. Oh, I watched a glow that wrestling show. I didn't watch it. They come at night I don't know. I have no idea what it's about. I just watch El Dorado with John Wayne Oh, you can see Allison Breeze titties in the first. This is the problem man. It's like it's awesome If I don't watch at least a movie a day. I have nothing to talk about Really? Yeah, I fucked up there. They added a new map the battlefield So now you're really putting time working. Well, you know, I had to unlock all the different guns Nika's a very special thing going on. I can't I can't talk about. I can't talk about. Oh, yeah NDA's matter on this podcast on my podcast. Yeah. Oh, okay. All right

Maybe you start your own podcast. I didn't I do all the NDA's you want And you can you can edit out the parts about Matt Iglesias alleged fucking 13 inch pussy But until that day comes you will respect my NDA. That was literally the second clause was I couldn't mention the 13 inch pussy Very pleased to have you on board a box But it is that the utmost importance that you do not mention Matt Iglesias is 13 Yeah, I just couldn't get over those pants those fucking khaki pants so tight like a fat guy shouldn't wear anything tight, but like Belly button to stop. Do you want to fucking argue with that? I can wear whatever the fuck I want Don't police me. You don't wear skinny jeans. You wear like I might you were his tight shirts

He wears no you wears like two X's. Yeah, those are still tight Jamel wears two X two and he's bigger. Jamel wears tight. His shirts are do tend to be a little tighter sometimes. Yeah, I guess he does Thank you by the way, I just just shut out the fans. We'll also shut out the skank fest That was skank fest and funny moms on Monday like and literally the crowds did not overlap at all Not even first and it's amazing because both those shows we should try and we should try and do what's that big fucking thing Union Hall It's not that big. It's not that big. It's pretty much the same sizes. Come on everybody. No, where's a place where they have fifty first jokes? That oh, that's um, oh, yeah The bell house the bell house. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that place in Park slope. Oh, yeah

Yeah, we should do the bell house. We should do the bell house We should go like we wouldn't probably wouldn't sell out the bell house But it's like that's a big enough space the bell house or the place where they do night train Yeah, little field little field. Although. I don't like the size of that room. That's about as me It's really just read. They just really did it long. They just redid it. Yeah, it's nice. It's nicer. Yeah I went there. I stage is too high. That's true. The stage is too high. Yeah. Oh, you know what we should do Madison Square Garden. I'm thinking that yeah, I'm thinking that we're maybe theater Michigan stadium My son Nancy listens to this band run the jewels. Mm-hmm, and they're they're performing there and he wants to go

So I'm bribing children to take him. Oh also guys We're like we're working we want to book live shows and we're pretty bad at organizing and putting plans into motion So if you want us to come to your town, well, let's not say we it's you. Why is it me? It's all of us I mean, but anyway, I don't do it If you want us to come to your town, and you know about a hundred hilarious dance No, I'm serious. Okay. Well, just say just reach out to me. You say that I'm bad at physics I just don't do yes. You are bad. Yeah. Yeah, I would say that I am willing to I'm very good at physics. Don't do them. You're very good at physics. Well, I'm fucking very good

I'm so good. I guarantee you If I went back in time Which I will do because I'm gonna be the guy that invents the fucking time machine I could invent the atomic bomb That I would fix history by killing Hitler by giving the atomic bomb It wasn't Hitler and Frank's Addie and Addie and pals. Oh fuck. Addie. Yeah, we got it. We gotta wrap this up. I got it Wait, so if you want us to come to your town

And you know about a hundred about this if you live on capacity venue If you come on I'm actually doing a serious announcement right now East coast if you live on the east coast and you want us to do your town and it has to be within six hours driving from New York Yeah, and I in there needs to be a green room in the venue. We will not stand by the bar We would I need a bucket of Miller light Miller light will not drink and red bulls. I'll have one I'll give the rest to girls if you can find a venue. That's about a hundred you 15 out women in the audience that you will Personally be responsible for bringing into the green room to meet me. Hmm. Shout out to Noah in Pittsburgh

Who's working on setting up a show for us right now If you want us to come nose girlfriend will be servicing us Yeah, we will be having Noah's girlfriend So if you if you have access to like about a hundred hundred fifty capacity venue with seats Please let us know. We're also we have a couple ideas for places. We know like yeah, so I do any of that We're not leaving New York ever. We're gonna die Um, if you want to send me pictures of your titties and I might have to move back to Los Angeles again in a couple weeks permanently no

Really, maybe fuck. Yeah, so the podcast over. Yeah. Okay. Well, you guys want to move to Los Angeles No, I could figure something out. We'll figure it out. Um, I'm kidding. I'm not I might have to go back though We'll figure it out. Yeah, I know I know just bank some well, maybe we'll come out We'll be LA boys. Yeah, even if like things don't I still have to go out to sue that Korean landlord God Do you have to be there, of course it's small claims. Oh You can't just have a lawyer do it Yeah, not for for $200 a lawyer is not gonna go. All right. He literally owes you $200. It's less than that It's it's less than that. It was me for $5. All of this is so awesome. You're such a fucking kike dude

It's crazy. He owes you like $2,000, right? Yeah, something like that and then and then you can get twice the amount of deposit But it's principal because the guys are fucking asshole. Yeah, fuck that guy. Yeah All right. Well, yeah, thank you for listening. The lawsuit doesn't work out. I'm gonna hire Mark Wahlberg to do a little little bit of a little fish Go little walk down memory lane for old Markey Mark I still love the 1991 fucking guy when he fucking jabs his eye out he goes, uh, you fuck a V to me shit Is that what he said? Yeah, it's not like that. Wow. What a cool guy not even a slur

Anyone can find stop Mark Wahlberg inside the actors studio where he discusses that assault Remember he has like a pretty cavalier attitude about it. Really? Yeah I haven't seen it in like a decade, but I vaguely remember him being on talking to James Lipton about Doing that shit and in 1989 you assaulted a Vietnamese. Yeah Yeah, James I was I was looking at this kid. Is it your dream Adam to be on that show? No to be interviewed by James Lipton. You know my dream for real interviewed by real my dream is to be interviewed by Terry Grosso fresh air

That's a legitimate dream of mine. That'd be cool. I love Terry My dream is to be a one of the cast members on the Tom Joyner morning Stop playing Yeah, my dream is to be a drive-time radio guy. That is the best radio show Which one is that Tom Joyner? Is that it like a good morning? You listen into the middle-aged black people laughing morning? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah rules. Yeah, it's literally just them laughing for two hours that rules Yeah, that every day is the best day in the world to them I would like to go into the archives and find the September 11th

2001 episode of the Tom Joyner morning show and I I I doubt they got through it without laughing Because I don't know how they would fill the time if it wasn't there wasn't just someone cackling and saying oh lord, please At least once on that show All right. Well, I'm Tom Joyner and this is the Tom Joyner afternoon show and you guys are great. Oh, wow fuck Sorry, yeah an hour 23. Yeah, I'm free 23 minutes. Yeah, so Please delete the last please don't listen to the last one Yeah, you haven't earned it