The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 59 – Marmaduke

Episode Date: July 6, 2017

Adam debut's his brand new bit, about the marmaduke comic, that definitely no one has said before. it's an original idea

Well, I did it, boys. I went and I got a 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray player. My man, Nick's gonna be happy the rest of his life. I am, until the next purchase. No joke, for real, with these fucking speakers too. I've said it a couple times, but it's the biggest smile I think I've seen on your face. Yeah, I mean, it gets better and better every time. No, he was smiling pretty big when he was talking about woodworking. No, this tops the woodworking, dude. There's a glimmer in his eye.

Because even when I got this TV, I wasn't this happy. No, dude, it's just pure joy. No, you're actually kind of in a foul mood. I wasn't in a foul mood. No, it was the beginning of him being happy. It was the start, you know? But this means that money can solve anything. 100% dude.

That's the moral of the story. People are like, oh, money won't make you happy. It's like, well, yeah, a fixed amount. But if you're constantly amassing more and more money and finding dumber and dumber ways to spend it, the idea that people who make $100 million a year aren't incredibly happy, they're like, oh, yeah.

Well, actually, their kids are pretty depressed. It's like, yeah, they shouldn't have had kids. These kids are never going to fucking amount to anything. If you're the guy that makes the money. Right, if you're like Scrella or some shit, even though he's having a rough time right now. Yeah, that's a bad example. Well, just because the government's trying to fucking take his money away from him.

Fucking there you go. The piece of shit government will let a man live his life. Welcome back to part of the problem. Nick's descent into libertarianism has commenced. No, I'm all for taxes. Taxes are fine. What's bullshit is the government fucking bringing charges against a guy just because he's ugly and Albanian.

And no fucking Albanians, dude. My stance, fuck, fuck Albanians. Fuck half of that. The vermin of Europe. I mean, what's their deal? There's three of them. The two of them are boys, one's a girl, and they live in the Warner Brothers Tower?

The Albemaniacs. That's where fucking they're gonna lock. There's some sort of cat or something. Scrella is the youngest of the anime. He does look like one of them, yeah. The girl. And that's where they're going to jail him is the Warner Brothers Tower. When he does get locked up.

So keep an eye on these red lights here. Okay. If they shut off, then that means that I should have replaced the batteries. Okay. In the recorder. Will we lose the recording if they shut off? No, it'll just cut off wherever the battery dies. Okay, cool.

So this might be a 17-minute episode, guys. Yeah, well, you know what? I got loads of batteries. I got a bunch of them, but for whatever reason, I'll get like 30 episodes out of one charge with these, and then other times I get like two episodes. It's when it's really funny, dude. No, I think it takes more energy.

I think it's how high the levels are. Think of it, I set the levels right, it's not a problem. But anyways, back to the consumer electronics corner. The consumer cool corner. KKK. Cool consumer corner. With grand wizard of savings. The grand wiz.

The grand wiz of savings. Remember the wiz? Michael Jackson, yeah. No. The black wizard of Oz. No, the fucking, the electronics store, the wiz. Oh yeah, the wiz, yeah, of course. They don't.

But that's, it's that basically. The grand wiz. Come on down the road. It'd be funny if the black wizard of Oz was actually. The grand wizard of Oz. The grand wiz. Well, I'll tell you, it really does make a difference. Having.

Move on out. Cause you know, you can stream 4K, but it always looks kind of choppy. The frame rate's always fucked up. And there's like buffering issues. And so you need the 4K. You need. You need. You need is the word.

You absolutely need it. I mean, this is the only way to, I'm watching Mad Max for the fifth time. Yeah, this shit rocks. And I saw it in theaters. Little disappointed. Because they let you know who's in there. So even though it's a big screen and the sound is good. The experience is ruined.

By Asian people. There it is. Yeah. You guys were probably guessing black. Oh no, I don't mind that. In fact, I only watched it with DVD commentary. Going to a black movie. It's just watching the movie with DVD commentary.

DVD commentary. Yeah. Um, Debo commentary. No, the commentary doesn't bother me. What bothers me is Asian people to take their shoes off and use their phone. Going through the garbage to get recycling during the movie. They use the movie theater as an opportunity to finally parent their children.

You ask later. Later. There's not much recyclable though there. Yeah. I didn't really recycle the bags. I remember I saw a movie with my dad and some like Filipino family was just talking the entire time. And at the end of the movie, my dad's like, I'm going to ask for a refund. And he like made me go with him to the manager's office.

Awesome. And the manager was like, why'd you watch the whole movie? And I was like, yeah, why did we watch the whole movie if you're going to do this? And he's like, I don't know. I don't know. I'm a white American. Damn it. Yeah.

I don't know if he know annoyed me. I can't even remember. He's like, he's one of those guys that's like, I'm going to show them who's never been boss. Right. Right. Right. Right. You know, where he thinks he's going to win some dispute with the customer service department

and then they just hang up on him. Nothing changes. Nick, well, you're actually very persistent with customer service members. You really are. Am I? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.

I guess lately I have been. I used to be, I used to be a call center guy. So I don't know how to speak to them. You know the biz. Yeah. You know the secret coast. I used to work at a call center and I would fucking, I hated my job and I hated being on the phone all day long.

And then I would get home and I would get drunk on my porch and prank call the call center that you worked at that I worked at. What a fucking stupid life. Well, because I worked there, I knew exactly what to say to keep people on the phone for like an hour and a half just to ruin someone's night and just pretend to be like an old woman that's like, and you know, I'd be like, I need help setting up my email. And then I had all the screens memorized. So like I would get them to help me through like almost every step of the way.

And then the last one would be like, okay, well, then they're like, now click start. And I'm like, where's start? And then like down on the bottom of the screen and like, they've already been through this with me. And be like, is it where it says finder? And I would like drop hints that it was a completely different operating system, like change the entire like max at the very last step. And then they would lose their fucking minds and have to restart the entire process.

There was always just like inconsistencies in the way. So the way, how do they track whether you're a good employee because you were clearly were not. Oh, they didn't give a shit. I mean, people quit so often. I remember there was one time, first of all, everyone that worked there, imagine this a workplace with 600 people where I am the coolest guy. So that was like the average employee was like the biggest fucking, there was a girl

that would bring like a doll and she would sit there and brush its hair. Oh my gosh. There were multiple people that wore tails because they were furries. Yeah, like see each other and be like foxtails. Yeah. Like they were. Oh, dude. Yeah, dude.

Oh my God. There was a guy that had like a shirt that was like, they would bark at each other. Yeah. They were fucking, they were gay as shit. Dude, there was this one guy, there was this one guy that had a fucking like a shirt that was like, you know, like bomb squad coming through or something, but the bomb squad was crossed off and it was like tech support. Oh, God.

That guy also had like a, like a, like a theatrical cane, like a long cane, like a skull on the top. Yeah. Fuck. That is so awesome. Yeah. Oh man. Yeah.

No, there were so, there were so many of those people, but I think. Did they hang out like after work with each other? No, no, no one did. There was a break room that always just smelled fucking awful. Yeah. Yeah. I remember there was one hot girl that worked there, and again, because it was like, I had like, had supreme confidence.

I just like went up to her and was like, Hey, yeah, we should like hang out sometime. I was like, Hey, what's your name? She like turns around. She's like, Hi, I'm Cassandra. And she was like, just a complete nerd. I was like, I never remember my mind. I'm sorry. You know, it's the Fox tail hanging over a skirt.

I talked to her for like 10 minutes and then. Dude, come on. Never again outside of work. Is that the girl, is that the girl's Oreos you hate, the Down syndrome girl or whatever? No, not Down syndrome. What are you talking about? Aspergers. What are you talking about?

I don't remember that. What? There was a girl, a girl that you said had autism or what? Oh, that was in New York when he was dating that Aspergers girl. I was making a joke about. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a thing to joke about. You can have two or three.

Fucking. What a monster. Nice tits though. You wouldn't, you wouldn't fuck a nerd that was hot, dude. It would like, like she smelled bad, like she didn't smell bad, but she had that smell bad aura where it was like, this is just, yeah, I lost interest. I know what you're saying. I understand where you're coming from, but I don't know what particular nuance or what

it was in the context of that situation. I know what you mean. It made me pull the plug on that. Cause there's a vibe of like, not just nerd, but like just uncool in like a high school way. Like that I can, that I'm fine with it's, it was just, there was something like, you know, from 20 feet away, it was like, yeah, she's like pretty, you're like, oh, never mind.

It's like the rent and stimpy close ups. Sort of like that. Anyhow, there was one time at that call center where there was this, uh, there was this guy like, we didn't have a sign seating or anything. We just had these like small cubicles and there's this guy, two cubicles across from me and all the cubicle dividers were like translucent. So you could see through them sort of, you know, like some degree of privacy. And this guy would bring his laptop and just watch Legend of Zelda Wind Waker videos.

And he was like sitting right next to his boss and he's on the phone with somebody. He's like, no, sir, click again on that section, click again, and then he would mute the phone. He'd be like, you fucking imbecile, you fucking piece of shit, un-mute, like, just keep trying. Just, just, you'll find it. You'll click on the right thing, mute. You cunt, you fucking cunt piece of shit. Well, like, you know, like Zelda is like hopping around in the fucking background and like, it's like, he has to come over and like put his hand on his shoulder and be like, Jeremy,

Jeremy. Calm down, eventually he lost it and like hung up on the guy and he's like, all I want is to make my fucking hot chocolate. And the boss had to like go into the break room and make his hot chocolate form and bring it back to him. And it's like, pull that man off the front line. He's shell shocked. There's too much for being a fucking man, dude.

Maybe Republicans are right. Where's that? The call center was too much for that guy, dude. What a piece of shit. Well, what's hilarious is like, like 10 years ago, everyone bitched about like, you call a call center now, you get some God India, I know his name isn't Tony. He's lying to me saying his name is Tony. It's like, why do you need to know Vikram's name?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. It doesn't fucking matter at all. His name is Tony because of people like you fucking complained about his name being Vikram. But I do that, I have to call Amazon all the time because like fucking every, every courier service in New York is like trash. And I know there's a UPS guy that listens to this show and he probably hasn't, he probably

hasn't delivered, he probably hasn't delivered shit outside of New York where things actually show up fucking 90% of the time. Yeah. I mean, it's like a 50% failure rate when I get shit. And I do everything through Amazon now because it's fucking easier, but half the time it requires like calling Amazon customer support and saying like, yeah, UPS isn't delivering this shit. So get on them.

It's wild dude. Amazon has like way more leverage than you do as like just a consumer. Right. Cause they'll call up UPS and be like, yeah, we're going to have this driver thrown in jail deported. And oh yeah, dude, Bezos baby. Yeah, dude. Most of the time I'll get like a Malaysian person that'll help me in the call center.

And they're so, they're so much more effective when you get like just some fucking bitch from you know, Nashville, wherever the other one is. Yeah. Yeah. You know, excuse me, sir. Good afternoon. How dare you call Amazon? My name is Tanisha.

How may I hang up on you today? Yeah. I will not be taking notes on this call on my hands are busy right now. I will not remember any of this and it won't go into the computer. Is there a number I can never call you back on if we get disconnected? There's an IT guy in my old office. I want you to call 911 report yourself. I told them there's an armed woman.

They'll know which one. Amazon always delivers my shit, dude. I don't know what it is. Maybe they don't respect you. I don't know. You know what it is. I think the doorbell doesn't work. Yeah.

Your doorbell doesn't work. It hasn't worked for months. No, I just don't answer the door when you. I know. Well, I know. I know that. You ring the bell. Yeah.

It's a disrespect. It's a disrespectful bit. It's really disrespectful. It's disrespectful for you to assume that I'm going to stop what I'm doing to answer the door for you. To do the show that we're here to record. I'm not on your schedule. When I say we started one, that doesn't mean you come at 12.58.

It also doesn't mean that you come at fucking 1.02. Oh, really? You come at one o'clock. You got a 60-second window. And if you're not there at one o'clock, guess who's starting another round of conquest on Battlefield 1? Me. And those are 30-minute matches.

Those are so long. If I have a 5-6 plus kill streak, you better believe I'm not getting up and ruining it. This is the respect I'm talking about, guys. That does make sense. You have to give it to him. That makes sense. What did he just say? No, it does not.

I think it makes absolute sense. You may think it's corny or sort of embarrassing that I dedicate that much time and effort to gaming. But you know what? I'm a fucking millionaire, so maybe you should have spent the entirety of your early 20s and teen years gaming your way to a level of respect. Yeah. Yeah, I respect you, and I respect gaming.

The way I get Nick to open the door for me is I am playing Battlefield from my phone somehow. I message him on the PS4 messaging system. The closest Adam gets to playing Battlefield is going, like, World War I, what is that, like, Alsace and Lorraine, is it something like that? Was it something like, yeah, oh, like Von Richtoven, is that like something? This is actually really not accurate, because most of the time it's been in the bunkers. It's weird how the German medals had French names.

Doesn't everyone else know that? Yeah. Don't we all know that? Yeah, that's just a tidbit that I learned. There's an observation that I made. Did they really do? Some of them, yeah. They're like...

Got French names. ...Pour La Merie. That's a German medal? Yeah. All the medals. Is that for me? Yeah. The gayest in the army?

Yeah, it is. The most dick sucks. Get the Pour La Merie. Yeah. Oui, oui. I'm going to Paris. I am gay. That's good.

What did you guys do on the fourth day? Yeah, and put this dick in your ass from France. That's the official national anthem. The theme song, the intro music, the France. They don't have an anthem. They have a jingle. They have a jingle. It's used to sell baguettes also.

Yeah, but you pronounce it with an F. Of course. You know the way they transport baguettes? In their ass. In their ass. Yeah. When you see a French guy, they go by and they've got the baguette coming out of the front of the bicycle.

You go like, oh, where's your friend? And he goes, what friend? And you go, the one that sits on the front of the bicycle. And that thing shoved up his ass. That's your fucking hamburger looking bitch. We saved your ass in every war. That's right. Every single one of the wars.

Vietnam, World War II, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, North Korea, Russia. It is funny how much Vietnam really was just. The Jamaican war that we saved your ass in. It's wild that Vietnam was because of French people, dude. Well, I mean, they were just their first. Nah, come on. Yeah, it was their fault. It was French colonialism's fault.

Otherwise, there would have been no reason for communism. If the Vietnamese were allowed to just, you know, eat berries and do karate or whatever the fuck was going on on that Godforsaken shithole. Get beat up by Mark Wahlberg before they showed up in their linen suits. Trafficking each other and pressing on nails. They wouldn't have needed to become a... Who do you think really won the Vietnam War? I think that the...

I think we did. I think that we did, yeah. I don't think we've ever lost a war. We won it if you think about it. Because, you know, I don't see any American women painting the nails of fat Vietnamese ladies. Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean? You know what I think about?

A lot of time it's like the French and Indian war. And how bad that must have smelled. It was actually... It was Punjabi's. It was actually in these Indies. Yeah, it was a cook-off. Goddamn. The two smelliest...

The smelliest French fat guy and the smelliest fat Indian guy wrestling. Please, it just smells like the fucking the chew tree outside of the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit. Remember how bad that shit smelled when you were a kid? Disgusting. Oh, yeah. What the fuck is this? Oh, yes. You never appreciate that.

Like an ogre guarding the ball pit. Do you ever have a weird friend that sniffed that shit? No. Oh, yeah. Adam reacted kind of personally there. No. It wasn't me. No.

Did you sniff it, you fucking weirdo? No, but... He's fucking smelling all the dirty shoes and he's like... Actually, it's pheromones. He's like yelling some fact at the other kids. It is the most common fetish. They're like, fuck you, bitch. You're never going to be on a podcast.

It is. It's the most common fetish. Foot fetish. No, it's just the most like... Is that what you're yelling at the other kids in the ball pit? I was told recently by a friend... It's the most... Actually, it's the most common one.

No. This is normal. Now you're deaf now. It's weird. I don't know anyone that says they are one. I'm deaf. Do you know anyone? I don't know.

I don't know. He's openly foot fetish. It's so funny. I feel like that kind of shit is like... Specifically with New York comics. It's almost like a put-on. Really? That in like...

And being into trans women. I'm sure they are, but I feel like there's like... A little bit of a put-on. That's like part of a New York comic identity. To be like... I like feet. I've seen the look in Yanis' eyes was the same when he was describing feet as you describing your electronics, dude. Yeah, I don't want to fuck electronics.

If there was a way to fuck your sounds... Actually, there is. That's an option when you spend $700 on a receiver. But I'm not going to. A receiver for your dick. Because it's passive entertainment. Dude, once you... I don't like to fuck anything.

Once you've bought everything? Maybe if it sucked my dick, sure. That's what I'm saying. But I'm not doing that. Okay. I think you will have... I don't have a choice. If I didn't have a choice.

If a piece of machinery... You look into your house and said, I'm going to suck your dick. First of all, there's very little you could do about it if the machinery had made its mind up. Put its mind up? Yeah. So, are you John Connor? That movie is just... He sucks it up.

I am from the future. They reprogrammed me to... I don't want to say it. But in the future, this is money. There's no more currencies. I have to do this because it is giving you money. You're a very rich man in the future. You hold a lot of money.

I think about the colonists who came to America. The explorers or whatever. They meet the Native Americans and the Native Americans are bringing them a dead dog with some bone shoved in its head. They're like, this is a sign of respect in our culture where we're from. There had to have been at least one colonist who was like, oh, well, what we do is a sign of respect is we put our penis in your mouth as a gift. So, we have to respect each other. I'm taking your dog thing.

That's how South America was created. That's Portugal, dude. That's why they talk with that list. Portugal. I am from Brazil. Generations of having a man's dick in their mouth. I am from Brazil. I love to fuck and to dance.

What a funny country. There's half Nazi, half slave-descended dancing. It's funny how much slavery was going on in Brazil. So much. Argentina is the Nazi one. Brazil. The United States has such a dark history with slaves, which we do, but you compare it to fucking Brazil. I think basically everyone has slaves if they can, like in history.

Most shitty civil rights. That's the thing where you talk about the Holocaust and people are like, well, every culture has been genocide. It's like, yeah, but that's not the conversation we're talking about. And also not at that level of genocide. That was some real fucking, that was some real deal. They had spreadsheets to make sure the genocide was going on. IBM made the computers.

12,000 Jews died. It's crazy. Well, those aren't mine. I've seen 8,000. I've seen eight. If you buy enough IBM stuff, they give you those spreadsheets. The number I got was zero. Exactly zero Jewish people died in between 1938 and 1944.

It's so funny that even their natural death didn't happen. There was a Holocaust revisionist conference in Iran. What I like to call it is the Holocaust colon director's cut. Well, if we were going to just redo it with the original vision where we weren't constrained by the studios, we would have shot them all in 70 millimeter. I used to do a bit about how I got Schindler's List deluxe Blu-ray DVD and there was 40 extra minutes of hilarious bloopers.

That sounds like a great bit. Yeah, it didn't really work that well. Because you say Blu-ray, do you mess up saying Blu-ray a bunch? What did I say? No, no, I'm saying in the bit, do you do a comic? Oh, yeah, messing something up. A Blu-ray? A Blu-ultra-ray, a Blu-ray.

Don't criticize my affectations. 10 4K? Yeah, I think it's a 10 4K UH. Is that where the crux of the bit lies? That's fun. No, the crux of the bit is that you do it the same way every single time. Steven Spielberg thought it was funny to put bloopers. I did a sex.

Anyway, there was this holocaust revisionist constant. I don't know how to speak. Isn't that funny? When Ahmadinejad was in charge of Irani at a holocaust. Oh, Ahmadinejad. Shut the fuck up. Is this guy Ajim and Juni? I said his name the right way.

Yeah, Ahmadinejad. I said his name the right way because I respect it. Yeah, he had a he had a holocaust revisionism conference and the like dais on the stage was just him and then like all these like like South Williamsburg like Ottoman on the head like ultra orthodox Jews because there's a sect. Yeah, there's a sect of ultra orthodox Jews who like don't believe in Israel and they don't believe in the Holocaust because they think that Jews can only return to the Holy Land when the Messiah comes.

So they think they don't. They don't. Right. So they think it's like sacrilege. So but the picture of like the cut the anti the like holocaust revision. Yeah. The day is so funny. What happened Ahmadinejad?

He was around. He was doing shit. He's out. Doesn't he have a Twitter now? Um, yeah, I think he joined Twitter shit poster now. Yeah, he put he's a meme aggregator. No, that's Chris Rock. I know that sucks.

That's the Chris Rock doesn't whatever man. He came up before that generation. Um, yeah, what we're referencing is that Chris Rock's Instagram is just a meme aggregation. And now it's now it's selfies. He started doing selfies. Oh, that's good. It's funny how like even the best people become irrelevant at some point in comedy at least.

Uh, yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I think the next one he's going to do is going to be good. Can you imagine how much special? How much George Carlin would suck if he was still alive. Who's doing memes? Yeah.

Yeah. If George Carlin was trying to be on social media. Oh my God. Some old guys are not bad at social media though. I mean, Norm's not old, but he's not terrible at social media. Although he tweets about golf a lot too. Golf and God and yeah. Oh yeah.

He's religious. Yeah. Yeah. It's going to be funny how completely irrelevant all the millennial comedians are going to be in like 10 years. Oh yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm myself included and you guys.

Not me baby. I'm going to reinvent myself. No. Well, I was really surprised when the first time I met Nick, you were drunk and having the breakdown at funny moms and you got on state and Brandon Wardell like DME is like dude, this guy just moved back to town. He's fucking hilarious. He's like one of my favorite comics.

You should book him on funny moms and you're like just getting drunk at the bar and then you like get on stage. You're like, I'll tell you what the fuck this show is. This is the fucking alt comedy bullshit. It was going up on stage bullshit. I mean, it was dude. No, no, no, which is like, no, it's a money was like hiding in a box. He was doing like a body.

Yeah. I thought Chris Milner was faking his accent. You thought he was doing a bit. I thought somebody was pretending to be British, pretend to be a British dickhead. Well, they've really done a lot of research. No, no, no, I'm not saying you were wrong. I'm not saying you were wrong. Then shut up.

No, no, no. But let me finish. What I thought was like, oh, this guy's like very like, because that was around the time when Bill Burr was like fuck all comedy and that kind of thing, but I was saying it way before Burr, if anything, no, you're right. You're right. You're right. Oh, okay.

That's fun. But, but then like I saw your Twitter and I was like, oh, he's also a weird Twitter guy. He's like a club comedy guy and a weird Twitter guy. It's like a very strange mixture of two worlds. I was very taken aback. And then we became friends. Yeah.

You're better. I would say we were already friends. I was shooting on you. I was shooting on the show you were on and all of your friends. Yeah. Yeah. There was a difference. Early funny moms was very strange.

Yeah. It was like, because I also remember you tried to book me and it, but you said no bits. You say straight up said no, you said, yeah, don't do stand up. That was the original concept. And I was like, that's gay. Yeah. It was gay. So I didn't expect highly gay, like the name itself.

Yeah. Yeah. I wish we could get rid of that. We could change it. We could do something else. There's a good like syllabically. It has a good ring to it, but it's very well. It sounds like it sounds like a comedy show and that's the fucking, the funniest comedy

show name. There was one here called dog. Shit. That's great. Which is hilarious. I wish that was the name of funny moms. Yeah. You can do it.

Like that's every UCB show is like, let's, let's do it or you can, let's make it happen at fucking Tuesday nights at UCB East 11. I'd love to do make it happen. If you book it and you literally, literally Tuesday, literally Tuesday would be a great name for a fucking shit. No, you're, you're, you're a, you're fucking, what was it? Your black comedy night. Uh, what was it called, two larious, two larious, two larious, Troy, the comedian brings you

apostrophe to comedian, two larious comedian, comedian, LaPostre, L apostrophe, LaPostre, international money, media, production, LLC, global entertainment, LLC trademark registered like just went crazy on a business keyboard. Like every letter is circled like the C it's like, there is no chance you filled out paperwork for this. It's hilarious Tuesdays, way too much money, laugh makers, entertainment, baby. Dude, who is that guy in DC? It's always, it's always like a cityscape at night, like diamond plate, steel letters

and then maybe like a lipstick kiss and then an old timey microphone. It's always the radio mic. The Larry King microphone. Oh God. That's amazing. If you guys get this, this is very good. Remember T-Bred, he has that mic tattooed on him. It's like, well, do you do stand up, man?

Who T-Bred? When did you ever use it? T-Bred Hudson. T-Bred Hudson, baby. He used to run, he used to run a fucking that show at a Timonium and what the fuck was that bar called? Timonium? I thought that's McGooby's.

No, no, it was a Sunday, it was a Sunday night show. Was it Coco Lane? No, fuck. Someone told me. High tops. High tops. It was the land of fucking purple camo, dude. It was awesome.

I remember having some jokes there that I thought were ironically racist and then I told them there and they would crush and I'd do them everywhere else and it was like, oh, this was just racist and those people are racist. Yep. They had some good wings though, dude. They have 50 cent wings on Sundays. I think that show's not, I think that show's done. Man, I miss those terrible shows.

They were so bad. Dude, I fucking miss. It was like Sunday night football. I miss Monday nights at Sidebar so much. It's still poppin', dude. You should go sometime. Well, I'm not drunk anymore. That shit was great.

Let's fucking do coke and weed and go do, go do Sidebar. Yeah. It's a new five every week. Yeah, baby. Always new shit. It was so easy to crush there. I only do it once. Yeah.

Everyone was fucking. Sidebar was my shit, dude. Yeah, it was fun. Yeah. I used to go all the time. What I love is it fucking, what's his name, Luke? Oh, Big Dick Luke? No, what's his real name?

He has a big dick. He's the very time that I know that he has a big dick. That's not what I asked. I said, what is his name? I don't know. But he had a beautiful hog. His name, Luke. I had that.

He was like a goofy ass motherfucker. Yeah, yeah. I know. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you can, well, what you do is you fuck the baby in its ass. Yeah. But while you're fucking it, it's, you know, dying or something like that.

Guys, this is spot on. You don't know Luke, but he sounds exactly like this. Luke. He was like kind of like a prepier dude. Yeah. He was like a finance guy. Yeah. He was like a finance.

Yeah. He did. He worked for like Merrill Lynch. Yeah. And he would run that money. Go to Mike's. He would go to Mike's to say the most horrific shit. But he was, he was a good joke writer.

He really was. He was a good joke writer. Luke Marshall. Luke Marshall. That was it. And it was like fucking the most offensive jokes, but like clever. But like, first of all, you want to fucking hate him because he's like a finance guy. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, he's wearing like khakis or whatever. Yes. Smile. Yeah. Oh, cause then you, you rape her, I guess, you know, and he would smile like a high L like a high one of snow if snow white had a dude stoned elf. I like, I recommended him for a rewrite.

I remember that. I was there. I went there and he fucking hated him. He hated him. And he was just like alienating everybody. I'm laughing. I mean, I think it's funny. I didn't set him up for failure.

Yeah. I am a terrible. You enjoyed it. Yeah. No, I'm like a terrible judge of, of what we'll sell. I am like, no, everyone that I've been like, that guy's hilarious, like killed themselves. Yeah. And everyone I've been like, that guy sucks as you quit is now has a sitcom.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Every single one. Nice. Um, but, uh, yeah. What were we talking about? He took over the mic and like immediately just assaulted a customer.

It was awesome. Straight. Straight up. Some guy was like talking and he was like, if you come up here, I'll kick your ass. And the guy went on stage and looked just like beat you down. Wait, what, what was that? Some Rallo or someone posted a video of like a fight at a mic in PG County. Oh hell yeah.

No, that was it. One of those, one of those PG County shows, whichever. I remember that whole, that whole crew, it was like, uh, Lawrence Owens and, and, uh, comedian, comedian, naive. And then there was like three or four other guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Joe. Something. Shut told me about someone called her name was like, I don't know, Brittany, the original, uh, Miss Dan, the original damn. She thick. Miss the original damn. She thick. Fuck.

I fucked that up. Miss the original damn. She thick. Brittany, the comedian, the original. The original. Miss the damn. She thick. I remember, uh, there's this girl, there's this girl, Kat Ramzynski in Austin who did

some like, they used to have these like shitty runs you could go on that were like, uh, the, I don't know, the funny bones or the comedy zones. I can't remember. I never did it, but it was like Little Rock, uh, Houston and then some other fucking shit town. You like the, all the three of them. Yeah. Whatever.

You host like two times and then they let you feature. So it's not a bad deal. Actually, I don't even remember if that was it, but she went on a run of something. She went on a run with these two, uh, black ladies from Houston and Kat had to drive and she was telling this story about like picking them up or like, she's going with them and she has her notebook with her and she's going to her notebook and they're like, are you journaling or something? And she's like, no, I'm just like working on a bit and they like both burst out laughing.

They're like, you write your shit down and they're like, honey, no, no, what you do is watch Monique videos and kind of do the her act worse. Just repeat things you heard somewhere else and from, no, it's not stealing. If you put your own little sass on it, they were like berating her for writing down jokes. To be fair, I don't think I've written down a joke in like four years. Yeah. Yeah, I've never actually written out a bit once ever. I mean, you sound a lot like these ladies.

Well, I write, I write down something that'll remind me of it. Yeah. Yeah. Me too. Like keywords and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Um, you got to put your sass on it. Put a little, a little sass on it. I love about that. That Kat Williams video again. Where? Where he gets punched by a boy. What you want to do, little boy.

Yeah. What you want to do, little boy. I can't believe that, that is the best video of all time. The one on it, the one where he's in a target and he's giving the people the finger after he slapped the cashier. Really good one too, man. That one's really good. I love Kat Williams.

All right. We got to take a quick commercial break and we'll be back after this. Hello everybody. This is Nick, president of the DSA and host of popular radio program come town. I'm here to tell you about a new underwear that's better than whatever you're wearing right now. If you got underwear on, take it off, you know, throw it in the trash and get yourself a pair of Mack Weldon underwear.

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Yes, bitch. It's my playlist. Oh man. Damn. She's in the beat off, she's in the early beat off Hall of Fame. That Dolby 5.1 surround is really kicking. Dude, she had like short hair, right? Yeah.

She looked good. Well, it doesn't sound as good as it should because this is just Apple music, which doesn't put everything out and you know, it's a lossy format. Yeah, no. What you need is they make super audio CDs. It's completely lossless. I don't think any commercial music is mastered. Nine inch nails.

None of it's mastered in anything other than like stereo. Nine inch nails releases all of his albums in lossless. It's more digital. In fact, there's lossless meaning it's not sampled, but then it doesn't mean that there's more than two channels to sound. Oh, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, you don't know. You don't know, eh?

Title. You don't know what you're talking about. You don't know, eh? High quality. We record this in three channels. Yeah. So I could theoretically output, you know, me and Stav as the subs and you as the tweeters. The little girl.

The top. Powered to subwoofers. Powered bull top. The more the... The tweeter. Yeah. You're the fucking twink-ass speaker. Uh, fuck.

I didn't know there was a gay speaker. Yeah, there is. And it's Adam. That's awesome, dude. Congratulations. He goes to conferences and explains to people how gay he is. Yeah, I do. To fire up, you know.

Okay, kids. You know, we're halfway through the school year and there's a special treat. We've got a gay speaker. It's going to, it's going to really ramp you guys up. No. Excited about the second half of the year. You know, I know you think algebra is pretty fucking lame, but you know what's a little lamer than that?

Putting another man's penis in your ass. Starring Adam Friedland. And then Adam walks out on stage. Boom. No, I'm not a famous gay guy. I'm not an actor or a musician or anything cool. I'm just a regular gay guy who fucks men. No, I'd have like kids coming on.

Kids to be just like you. Adam's Dr. Phil now. Now you might think it's cool to do drugs and say cuss words to your father, but I'll tell you what's really cool, contracting HIV from a German nightclub. From a Shiza club. Yeah. From any, any number from the basement of Burghahn Techno Club. I don't know who gave me HIV, but I've got it narrowed down to about 47 people.

There's a 72 hour window where I know I'll contract. There was a three and a half hour window where I contracted the HIV virus in the third, the aisle 17 of a KB toys after hours. I had a friend named Marco who was the assistant manager of a KB toys and he would let us into the mall and we would go in there and fuck next to the Barbie display. All, all, all 47 of us. Just one continuous gay sex change. One dick into one ass in the dick.

47 deep. I guess KB toys got fucking owned by Toys R Us. No, did someone say that Mitt Romney, Bane Capital bought it? They bane them? Bane. Fuck, I love KB. I love toys. I love playing with toys.

I love seeing them. I love jokes. Humor. Toys. Oh yeah, they're great. Tom Flurry. Who? Who?

Who? That video is the best. With all the little black kids. Oh god, I love that shit. Oh my god. There's anything I enjoy. It's toys being given to children. Oh yeah.

Absolutely. Did you see that tweet after Trump tweeted out the bleeding from the face thing? They asked Orrin Hatch what he thought. He's like, well, obviously I don't think it was okay, but everyone's entitled to a Dipsy Doodle every now and then. Oh man. Dipsy Doodle. Orrin, that's when you rape a girl in 1920.

Dipsy Doodle. I thought that was a whoopsie. A Dipsy Doodle. A whoopsie is the abortion you make or get afterwards. God, I grew up with so many Mormons and all their moms were so hot. That's so cool, dude. Wow. Everyone's so proud of you for growing up with Mormons.

They were sexy. I will give, like every, like Romney Young was a fucking, that guy was sexy. I mean, he was his wife was hot. He was sexy old, dude. He had that perfect square jaw. Yeah. Mitt Romney. Never smoked a cigarette, never had a drink.

He looks great. Oh, that's why his skin is so good. Yeah, he looks amazing. Mitt Romney could really fuck. That would be a funny, like second half of his life if he just turns into like a fucking sex fiend. I imagine he fucks bad, like. They all fuck bad.

Mormons fuck bad. Like Gregory Marmellon does. Gregory Marmellon. Who's that? Isn't he the jock in Animal House? I don't remember. I don't know. It's Revenge of the Nerds.

I can't remember which one. That's a great name. Gregory Marmellard is from. Sounds like Marmalade. He's the prep for him. He's the evil prep. Is he the guy that was in Married with Children also? Oh, yes.

He plays Jefferson in Married with Children? That guy, right? I can't remember. I think so. Dude, I used to love Married with Children when I was a little ass kid. Dan, dude. Kelly dog. Yo, yeah.

Kelly Bundy. Christina Fapplegate. Oh, nice. How about that? She is the hottest. Gregory Marmalade? Gregory Marmalard. Marmaduke?

Do you remember that big ass dog who used to fuck up parties? He used to ruin, make things messy. Yeah. Oh, no. Who's bit is that? Who's bit are you doing right now? I don't know. Who's Marmaduke joke is that?

Who has a Marmaduke joke? Somebody. You're fucking doing somebody's... Somebody call him on that. Please. I know he's doing it because I know you fucking... I know you've said this to me before. Have you ever seen Ed Schrader's Marmadick cartoon?

No. It is incredible. What is it? And I'm jealous I didn't make it. I mean, it's basically what we do with everything. Someone's dog. Someone's dick. But he just took...

Yeah, he just takes Marmalade... Marmaduke. Marmaduke cartoons. Yeah. And he fucking... It makes him about Marmaduke sucking people's dicks. Well, I got... Look that up, guys.

Marmadick. I got it clean. That's the come down cultural tip of the week. We should start doing those. Because we're really... Is it Norm MacDonald that said that about Marmaduke? I don't fucking know, dude. It seems like something you will ever...

It's Cat Williams. No, he just messes things up. Because you quoted it to me. You were saying this guy did this funny thing about Marmaduke. I swear to God. No way. Does that look like a fucking Marmaduke? No fucking way.

You were telling me about somebody's Marmaduke, man. Oh, come on. That's what it was. Oh, come on. Oh, fuck. Jesus Christ. It wasn't even a joke. I was just talking about that dog that used to make things messy.

It wasn't a joke. I just described the fucking comment. You just did the... No, come on. You were talking... Come on. I never quoted anyone's joke to you about Marmaduke. I've never heard a joke about Marmaduke.

Besides the hilarious cartoon that I used to read every Sunday. The funny is Heathcliff, dude. Garfield in the streets, Heathcliff in the sheets, baby. I used to fuck with Mallard Fillmore, the conservative news reporting duck. Oh. Yeah, that was my guy. Did he have his own cartoon? All the punchlines used to be like liberals or pussies.

I remember as a kid... There was really a Mallard Fillmore? Yeah, it was a kid. As a kid, I would get the... Rightly make cards here. I would get the paper, I would look at the comics, and I'd be so excited to see them, and I'd read them, and I'd be like, this is not funny. Yeah, he has a kid.

None of this is funny. The Farside was funny. The Farside was family circus. Yeah, family circus. The big shit pile of all time. They opened a lemonade stand, and the E is backwards. You know what's really annoying? Just a little slice of life for you.

Every day, brought to you by whoever that pedophile was. A legend pedophile. That guy was a pedophile? Family circus? No, that's why he said a legend. Oh, great. You're a legend? No, we're lying, so we have to say a legend. I think he was actually a really well-known family man, and every character was based off his family.

What's his name? He's like a big pro Trump guy now. Oh, yeah, Dilbert. Dude, I fucking love those Dilbert. I used to get that art school project. That guy, Dilbert 1, 2, and 3. Have you ever seen those? No. That's a good pick. If anyone wants to look at a cool YouTube video.

Another good Twitter. The one where he shoots up the office? You guys ever Dilbert but gay? Did somebody do that for real? I'm not even kidding. I used to draw Dilbert in gay scenarios. Oh, so I guess they stole all your shit. Yeah, somebody probably stole my idea, Adam.

Oh, so you're now saying that your fucking Marmaduke was your idea? No. I'm saying if you're trying to say that I steal shit, that's just incorrect. That's your trait. Dilbert but gay. That's great. Yeah. Let me see this.

That's pretty good. I'm going to be the one to fuck this Mark Marinus. Before we ever started Come Town, the three of us used to talk about doing an official Garfield web series. Yeah, you remember that picture I drew at Dilbert jacking off the Garfield on his office? No. No, I don't. Yeah, I do.

Dilbert, it was a good picture. You're a good drawer, dude. Thank you, man. Yeah, you're multi-talented. I'm just trying to give you compliments to deflect from your criticisms. Here's a good one. I swear to God. I'm Dilbert and I hate pussy.

Who did the Marmaduke? I don't remember. I'm just going to Google, Marmaduke stand up. You said to me, you were telling me about somebody talking about Marmaduke. Who? And they were like, you know, it was so funny because they were like, you know, Marmaduke's just that dog that just makes things messy. That's just a fact.

He fucks things up. It was something that somebody else said that you were, ah, it doesn't matter. I'm jerking off to some really gay shit on the internet and I'm Dilbert. This is right up my alley. Man, I love this shit. Apparently there's a TJ Miller as Marmaduke. He is in love. I don't know.

I used to fucking from the library. I used to, I used to get comic book, comics, like, like the anthologies. Yeah, like Calvin and Hobbes. A lot of Dilbert actually is a little kid, dude, I used to fuck with Dilbert. Yeah, it's for smart people. When I was a kid, I thought Dilbert was for smart people. Sort of, I'm not even kidding. You were like a tie.

I'm like, oh, this is for people who know computers work. That's who reads Dilbert. It was too smart for me. Man, I used to pretend to be into so much shit because I wanted to be cool. Dude, you know what's really lame is when people have that book. See, I knew the opposite. I hid the things I was into instead of pretending to like things. Well, I just, I just like, I liked maybe one out of every eight Dilberts that I read, but I like, I didn't get any of that shit.

Yeah, of course. I liked Calvin and Hobbes. I didn't realize that it was an imaginary cat forever, though. I think Hobbes doesn't exist or something. Yeah, yeah. And that's the same with Winnie the Pooh, right? He's imaginary in that Christopher's mind. I don't think there's supposed to be any real.

I mean, that one's just a fantasy. A. A. Milne, whatever his name is. I don't know. Yeah, so he had an actual son. A. A. Hull named Christopher. Christopher Robbins or whatever. Christopher Robin. And then he made that like, you know, a book about Christopher Robin and his stuff bear poo.

And then that actual kid went to school and everyone's like, you are such a faggot. Really? Yeah, dude. He was like bullying and shit. And then like it took him like his entire life to fucking get over being the fucking guy Winnie the Pooh. Oh, wait. But wait, wasn't this in England?

Yeah, it's an English guy. But there's an interview with him from like later in life. And he was like finally, he finally accepted it. You're right. You're a right homosexual. I don't know. He's just some old, old man that's like barely not bitter anymore. And he's got like a mentally disabled daughter that he'd like just takes care of.

He's like a real sad guy. That's a big bummer. You could have changed your name for Christopher Robin, dude. Yeah, you could have done it. Yeah. I would have changed my name to Robert De Niro if I was him. It's really lame when people are really into New Yorker cartoons. I always think those are like the lame, the not funny ones.

Yeah, I don't think one has made me laugh. You used to read the New Yorker cartoons, right? No, we never had a, we never had a, we never got the New Yorker grown up. My parents were a TV family. I had a phase where I tried to read for maybe like two years of my life and I would get the New Yorker. I got the New Yorker, but it was such a waste. You used to be subscribed to the New Yorker, right? I used to subscribe.

You used to come to your house. I canceled it because... You would fucking say shit like, did you read that thing in the New Yorker? Oh, fuck off. Oh, fuck off again, please. You would say that. You got the New Yorker and you would say that. There was a two year period of my life where I read the shit.

I was literally getting out of the car from 4th of July yesterday and across the street there was a car that like parked at the stop. This dude rolls down a window. It goes, Adam, you're a bitch. And I'm like, and I'm like, and then I look at him, I look at him and he goes, and I look at him and I'm like, who are you? And then he, he just like looks really sheepish. He's like, I'm cool.

And then he rolls up the window. Guys, keep going. No, you're just creating these lies where people think I'm a... Wait, wait, hold on. Time out, time out. Some sort of Zionist pseudo intellectual. Time out, time out. Maybe there's a little bit that's, you know, maybe we're doing a bit about you stealing

sometime or whatever, whatever. But we are not lying. We are not lying about you being a bitch. You are a bitch even if you don't... I accept it. So if you see Adam in the streets, call him a bitch like that guy did, but don't be sheepish about it. That's nonsense. We're just trying to help you.

You know what? When we... Growing up, we're trying to help you. Get that friend that you make fun of. But if anyone else makes fun of that friend, you stick up for them. You guys, you guys would never... You're welcome. You guys would never stick up for them.

If you had him as a valuable guy for the crew. You're the gatekeeper for the crew. If someone mocks you good enough, most of them will fail. That is not a way to bully a friend. Most of them will fail. That is bad. That's a bad bully. When people go to jail.

That's a bad bully. I'm 30 years old. I'm 30. When people go to jail, they think, oh, you just pick a fight with the biggest guy. No, you just rape the weakest guy in the... Yes. And then the big guys will be like, this guy's cool. He rapes people.

Like we do. We were going to rape him, but now we see he's also... He's a rape guy. He rapes other men like we do. So we're going to play checkers with him. It's true. Rape in prison is cool. In the television room.

Okay, so just call Adam a bitch once, but don't make it a recurring thing. Well, anyway, he DM me and then apologize. He's like, oh, sorry. That guy's out. No, he's not out. He's out from apologizing. But why would you go up to someone you don't know and call them a bitch? Well...

Did you look like you look right now? I was taking something out of a trunk. This is a very pool boy look. Yeah, you look like a bitch right now. Why do I look like a bitch right now? You look like you're about to side out. You look like you're about to... I have been to the pool quite a bit, gentlemen, with my new girlfriend, actually.

You look like you're about to go into the Congo to compare your small dick with the gorilla's small dick. It's so funny how small the dick comes. Can I, like, eat some of your blueberries? That's how I sound. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding.

My name is Jeffrey. What did you do for the 4th of July? I went upstate to Ben's uncle, Ben's rich uncle's summer house. The one Nick and I went to two years ago. Was there a pool? I can't believe you left without me, dude. I invited you guys three times. Yeah, but then you left like two days early.

You didn't let us know when you were leaving. You had a private romantic getaway at Kathleen Turner's house with your precious roommate. It wasn't just us. And I told you guys to fucking come. Were there girls? Leading girls. It was me and two couples. It was terrible, actually.

It wasn't terrible. It was two couples. Three couples. I'm full of gay guys. No, no, no. Heterosexual couples. Doesn't matter for your whatever that sense. We're going up to the valley, dude.

We're going to go drink some seam up in the Hudson Valley. We're seam sippers, dude. Seam sipping, dude. Sipping with my team favorite. Dude, I'm fucking faded. I'm fucking cross. Yeah, dude. I'm fucking lit off this seam.

I got a stomach ache. But I'm going to keep drinking. Yeah, dude. Do you guys serve Roddy's here? Rod Stewart's. Yeah. It's two liters of semen in a fucking mason jar. Dude, I'll take an Arnold Palmer.

Yeah, just Arnold Palmer's come. Yeah. This is the Rod Stewart challenge. Well, my name is Jackass. The Rod Stewart challenge. Like the fucking pepsi taste test. Maybe do it funny, dude. Like a pepsi taste test where it's like, which one is better?

And then it's like one of these is pepsi. And the other is two liters of semen. And then it's just a regular solo cup that clearly has pepsi in it. And then like a two liter filled with semen. But we're not going to tell you which one is which. And the guy drinks the pepsi. He's like, yeah, that's pretty good. And then he drinks the two liters of semen.

And he's like, yeah, I don't know. They're about the same. The same volume and viscosity and color. I can't tell the difference between the two. But I think I have to go to the hospital. That's a very good question, dude. Seam sips. Let's figure it out.

What? By making Adam drink two. Oh yeah. It's so it would be so hard to collect two liters of comb. Yeah. How long do you think it would take you to get to two liters? Like a year. No.

No. He's right. Yeah. Actually longer than that. Longer. If you jacked off every. We did the math. We already did the math.

I did the math. Nick did the math. While Jake and I were there. What's it? What's it? What? That's crazy. It's something like 723 loads.

Yeah. If you take the median load size. What if you're what if you're drinking a lot of water? You're having a lot of protein. What does water have to do with comb? Doesn't matter. We took the average load size. But what I'm saying is what could you do to juice up to goose up your load?

Nothing. You can't do like 7 times in a row. You can't even come three times in a row. You got to regenerate that juice. I'm saying what's the quickest you think you could get to it if you tried your best? We just answered the fucking question. No man. That's 723 loads.

What's the average fucking speed of a car? Whatever. What's the average speed of a car? What's the average fuel consumption of a car? Which you absolutely can answer. If you come twice a year it'd be like a year and a half. Twice a day. Okay.

But what I'm saying to you is there's a way to get fatter loads. Yeah. Peter North, bro. And what do you think it is? How do you think you get a fat load? I don't know. In your diet. Yeah.

Peter North has it. All right. I'll text Peter North. He did have some fat loads. We'll get him on the show. Peter North. I want that disease where your balls get fucking white. Elephantitis.

You have enormous balls. Have you seen that video of that guy coming for like an hour? No. He has giant swollen balls. But it makes him come more too. Nice. It was not like e-fuck. So this guy could probably get to a 2 liter pretty quick.

Yeah, sure. See, that's what I'm saying. Give me that disease. You don't understand. You are not a fucking statistician. We're taking the median. Reachate. No, you motherfuckers didn't even know what average you mean.

How long does it take to get to the moon? No, but imagine you had like a super fast ship that doesn't exist. No, motherfucker. There's a way to get fat loads. How does it, how does it, why can't you get to the moon in 30 seconds? No, it's not the same. It's the same. No, dude.

You can cruise up your loads. You come more if you're in love. Oh yeah? Fuck you. If you're in love with Comm? Yeah. With Comm? Yeah, coming into his own mouth while that fucking Looney Tunes factory song plays.

No, no, the buh-buh-buh, buh-buh-buh-buh, buh-buh-buh-buh, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. As this roommate comes home and he just hears like. Yeah, I'm seeing it as I'm clearing myself. You're not singing it. The song's just playing. Why's it muffled in? Because it's in your room and the door is closed. I jackoff in the living room.

And then your roommates goes, oh I guess Adam's doing that thing again. Hahaha. You jack off in the living room? No, I don't need to jack off guys, I have sex all the time. Do you jack off in the living room? I have, yeah.

Actually since I stopped having a job, I've jacked off in the living room. There's too much space. I'm not worried about the privacy, even if I'm home alone. Even when I lived by myself I couldn't jack off in the living room. Interesting.

I've done it in the last two weeks I've done it. I beat off in the living room, quite a blow. It's a really powerful feeling, if you're alone at home. Yeah. I mean that's the thing, it's like you live with roommates. You live with roommates your entire adult life. The second the door closes. When I was 21 I had my own apartment

and I never jacked off in the living room. Okay, whatever. What? That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is. Well, how about this, would you jack off in the kitchen? This is not where you jack off. No, but it's a leisurely area.

The living room's leisurely. Kitchen sex is really fun. Yeah, fucking is different to jack off. Every once in a while you'll fucking to kitchen, but that's different. Well, there's a lot of places I fuck that I would never jack off. Like in the laundry room at a house party.

I wouldn't go in there to jack off. In a field in Vermont. In those like secret corridors in the mall that only the security guys know about. Those corridors are weird. Yeah, yeah. When I was working for war is they were fucking like, we'd have to go through, when we're doing insults,

we'd have to go through those fucking corridors. For who? We got locked in one of those doors. We got locked in one of those doors. Fucking for who? We got locked in one of those for two hours one day, me and Jesse. We're just making swastikas in the cardboard with fucking X-Acto knives.

Hell yeah, dude. That sounds exactly like something he would do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, wait, where were you? I don't even know which one you're talking about. Big Jesse. That's just like a shop guy thing to do. That's just a shop boy thing, dude.

Yeah, make swastikas with X-Acto knives. X-Acto knives. Carboard? Yeah, he gave us two hours locked in a mall security. Did you say you fucked this guy, Jesse? Yeah. He was a guy Nick and I used to work with when we had a man job.

Adam was cross dressing and spinning around in the Victorian Seaford and women's underwear going, I wish it, I was Jesse's girl. We were trying on makeup and shit. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah, man, he started drawing like a naked chick and he was like, dude, this is cool. It's like we have porn here.

So like we could be here forever. That's a joke from Friends. Is that? Yeah, well, he did that. Joey did that. Well, I guess he was doing a joke from Friends now. I've got to know what told you life was gonna be this way. People can fact check your jokes.

You rax a bunch of shit you stole from TV. It's all for the act, dude. And now everyone's calling you on your joke there. You know what my act is, dude. I don't do any observational comedy. It's all anecdotal. You've been your bed, your joke, your riff, or even your idea.

This is bullshit. Not even your premise. Adam steals all the jokes. Try and think of something. All of you guys steal from me all the time. That's not true. What the fuck are we going to steal? You steal from me constantly, Nick.

What have I stolen ever? We can talk about this off mic, but you don't. We're just talking about it right now. We can talk about it off mic. Personally, I don't like having fights in front of 150,000 listeners every week. We up to 150,000? Yeah, that's the number I just made up. It's actually only 700 people listening.

Incredibly dedicated. We just figured out a way to juice the numbers. I love juice, dude. Oh, yeah. I've been having smoothies again. I'm back on the smoothie train. Although I went buck wild on the fourth. I asked Julia Vins if she'll do the podcast and she's not responding.

Oh, the female bodybuilder, Nick's in love with us going to do the podcast, hopefully. Has she seen it? Is this Coney Island? No, she hasn't. On the screensaver? On your TV? No. Dude's too nice.

That is my favorite place in New York. I went a couple of years ago. You know what? I'm a big fan of the Empire State Building. No, no, it's different. Have you heard of it? Coney Island is a fucking post nuclear freak show. Just so many fucked up.

You know what, I want to watch again, Warriors? Requiem for a Dream. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's Brighton Beach, I thought. Same shit. Right next to each other. Yeah, same shit. But yeah, those fucking apartment blocks are so massive.

Yeah. But those old Russian, and those fucking Russians, we walked down to Brighton, they just go outside every day and they're purple. Just those old fucking men. Yeah, they all look like grimace. Yeah, they're just grimace and a diaper. They look insane. Yeah.

Just judge that Stefan Marbury. You should get some of those Russian gang tattoos. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like Eastern promises? If you got caught with them, they'd probably get mad, but they're the coolest looking tattoos. In the Schvitz, in the East Village, they're most of those guys. I know what they all mean, so I'm going to get the stars on my shoulders and then you can get cat eyes on your lower back. That means we're like friends with each other.

And then everyone will know? Yeah, everyone will know. But make sure that you get cat eyes on your lower back. I want everyone to know, because that means you're the coolest of the Russian gang tattoos. Oh fuck, dude. I want to know what cat eyes, I'm going to look it up. Yeah, you should look it up. I'll look it up.

I'll tell you later. Don't tell Adam that when you find it. Okay, I won't. What if I got bear claws on either Titty? That's good. Do you think that's a good one? I want to get a gun on my stomach. Yeah.

There was a girl that did open mics at Weizegger's that used to have two revolvers pointing into her pussy. Yeah. Yes, I love that look, dude. And then a six on her lower back and then another six on the back of her elbows. Nice. Six, six, six, six. Yeah, a real dark mentality.

That's me, dude. I'm dark. A lot of people don't realize how dark I am. Dude, you're fucking tortured. Dude, I'm fucking twisted. That video at Danzig. Yeah. With the books?

Welcome to my book collection. It's like 11 books. He is the funniest person in the world. A 40-year-old who's into Halloween. Yeah. Being a Halloween guy is so funny. These are all verified stories. Verified.

Verified werewolf stories. Yeah, so basically this werewolf is coming out of a clearing and he's shaking a baby in his mouth. Pretty wild. It was just some of the dark stuff. My dark mentality. People 11 knew what was going on in my mind. They probably locked me up.

You think Danzig goes to the beach? No, he seems like an indoor guy. He's an indoor guy. Dude, I went to his house like three times. In LA, yeah, he said. I kept having to go look again. It's too funny. Is this a bungalow?

It's a bungalow. Yeah, it's like a big, I don't know what those are called. It's like... A ranch house? No, it's not a rancher. It's bigger than a bungalow. Arts and crafts. Yeah.

Turbo bungalow. One story? Maybe two. Split level? No, not split level. Oh, okay. Damn. Yeah, like I guess maybe like a California bungalow.

Yeah, yeah. Nice. But it looks bigger. I love the word bungalow. It's nice. Yeah. It's fun. Sounds like you get ahead in there.

We should get a bungalow. Three of us. I'd like to get a bungalow. Dude, I just want a hammock. I want to fucking... We're going to put a coconut bra on stuff. Absolutely. Hilarious.

Yeah. I'm going to be great. I'm going to start drinking again. I'm going to kill us all on a boat accident. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. No, we're going to reboot Gilgames Island, dude. We're trapped. A three hour tour.

You know? Yeah. I feel like they would have found them. Here's an interesting fact. Good way to close out the podcast. Yeah. Sorry, I threw up in my mouth a little bit. The Titanic, James Cameron's Titanic, you know, the ship starts sinking and then it

splits in half. Yeah. And they denied that that happened until they found the wreckage. That was like the company that owned the Titanic, the white star lines refused to allow people to think that the ship split in half. So all the portrayals of the sinking of the Titanic prior to that were the ship going down and like going straight up in the air. Yeah.

Going down vertical. Yeah. Because they didn't want people to think it was structurally unsound. What? They fucking sank. So then like eyewitness. There was eyewitness testimony of all these people saying like, no, the ship split in half and they're like, no, you're just crazy.

What? Yeah. What the fuck? What do they mean they didn't want to be unstructurally sound? They fucking sank. Who gives a fuck if it's snapped or not? The company. You killed everybody.

Who gives a fuck? Yeah. Fuck them, dude. Fuck the white star liner. Yeah, it was the captain's fault. I'm glad it sank. It was? Yeah.

It was the night watchman or whatever. Yeah. You couldn't see the iceberg. Well, no, they just kept, they had reports of icebergs and then they kept going anyways. Iceberg. What a fucking, what a, I hate the Titanic. I fucking hate that dumb. It's such a fucking meaningless tragedy.

I know. It's not even that much of a strategy. Yeah. The rich people 100 years ago. The rich people all lived. The poor people died. Oh, really? Yeah, that sucks.

But then, but why I don't like that is because that's sort of just a footnote to the story anyways. People like, yeah, and then it was fucked up because they made all the poor people died, but you know, it's about these poor lost souls. You know, and it's like, it's no, no, it's just a dumb, it's, who cares? Who gives? Yeah, I bet you a thousand. There was much bigger sinkings in that time period.

I bet you a thousand poor people died in a fucking. Well, there was a German ship that was fucking sunk. Well, the Germans were fucking up ships with U boats. Yeah. There was a German ship that was sunk, but Germany had like kind of a, it was like a bunch of, I think like troops that are trying to evacuate or something, but it was like 9,000 people died. It was huge.

Hmm. I just feel like a lot of poor people were dying in factories to make like canned, like meats. Yeah. More so than. The Triangle Shirtways Factory, which is now just some NYU building. Yeah. Yeah.

It's right by, it's right by Washington Square Park. Yeah. It's in the LAF. Yeah. Nice. Well, it's more the West side. So you're wrong, Adam. Incorrect.

And you're, uh, where, where is it? Oh, what? Greenwich Village. Oh, what's this? Mr. Tidbit. The Vellagio. It's in, uh, I call the village the Vellagio. The Vagio.

Yeah. Remember that in fucking Grand Theft Auto where they just, they called the Vespas the Fagio. The Fagio. Yeah. This is a homophobic joke in the game. It's so funny. Yeah.

Dude, my friend, my friend, I was hanging out with my friend and his girlfriend one time and he was pronounced Fagio. He said, he was talking about how he really wanted to get a Fagio and she got, they got in like a one hour fight next to me, but I'm saying Fagio. He's like, well, that's what it's called. She's like, I don't like you using those words. That's so funny, dude. Yeah.

It's so funny the dumb shit you've like fight with women about. Yeah. It's really great to just be hanging out with a couple fighting. Yeah. That's the most fun thing. Never tell you, I had like, I had like a relationship pretty much be destroyed by doing the parody song. Yeah.

Yeah. In the car. You were on a road trip. Yeah. Yeah. Cause she got stuck in the car with me doing the like, well, I'm the kind of guy who fucks his mom and then she's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah.

Me and Elders were hanging out this weekend a lot with his girlfriend. I think like, it was like, I mean, and she's cool as shit, but it's like, he got a girlfriend. Huh? He got a girlfriend. Yeah. But it's like the third consecutive day that you see. What's all this is last name? I'm not telling people's last name.

You'll find them as easy, but, but I think the third consecutive day with like you spending time with your boyfriend and his best friend talking about sucking each other. Wait, say this again, your boyfriend and who? If you're her and you spend like three days in a row with me and Elders talking about like sucking each other, taking gunpoint shit like that. It's like, yeah. I remember Ari was like selling you, uh, selling you those edibles and he like texted me and he's like, dude, stop like really, really talks like that.

Yeah. He was like, come get sucked off and stuff. He's like, dude, I didn't, I thought he was just joking. Like that was like, I mean, I am joking. He's like, no, no, stop like talks that way. Yeah. That's fine. But people don't realize that we're all doing characters and that I'm like a method actor.

Yeah. Yeah. We are. Actually, uh, I'm actually Michael fastbender. Yeah. Oh, that makes sense in real life. Yeah. I'm not doing a character.

This is me, baby. Real all real name. No. I'm ready. I'm ready to become a professional actor. Hollywood. If you're listening, put me in the next alien. I'm trying to be a fat guy in commercials, dude.

That's like, I'll do some acting right now. Look out. It's an alien. Ah, what do you mean we're getting a divorce? Oh, but I can't be retarded. I'm the president. That's, these are all from my screenplays. That's good.

That's good. Yeah. I think Nick, I think you'll be an actor. I believe in you. Thank you. Um, you sucking my cock. Thanks for the, thanks for that. Um, so I believe in your ability to suck me off.

So, uh, oily. So as well. Um, sorry, I'm looking at Julia Vins's Instagram. Dude. Well, that'll do it for the, uh, today's episode. Oh yeah. I have to, uh, I have to make a quick trip into the laundry room. You and Adam?

With Julia, uh, Julia Vins's Instagram. Oh man. You're going to tape your phone to the back of Adam's head and look at her Instagram while you fuck him in the ass? Put the phone right in between the cat eyes. Oh, Julia. Strong, Julia. Uh, goodbye.