The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 6 – Not Soon Enough

Episode Date: June 15, 2016

The boys hold a special session, same as our usual time, to discuss the damn news this week. Adam returns, and he’s not as bad this time.

I swore an oath and that means something. A new cop with much to prove to her family. This cadet is the first woman in our family to join the service. Constable Sabrina Soho. To her team. I think you're a good cop. Yeah, you think I'm a good brown cop. I worked for what I got.

And to herself. I never said that the system's perfect, but I'd rather fight from inside it to make a change instead of burying my head in the sand. Allegiance. New episode. Wednesdays. Launch free on CBC Gem. Hello everybody, Comptown 6 I think this is 6. 69. Bienvenidos de Com... What's... Villa?

De Comvilla. We're gonna start this one in Spanish. Por todos los listeners in Mexico. Mexico. But I don't know enough Spanish. Nah, we can't do know enough Spanish I'm sick Who are you dude? I've got a bad disease

Oh shit Thanks But we're doing an emergency special session Of the podcast In remembrance of the tragedy That happened today Well I guess it was last week already But R.I.P. Harambe, guys.

I'm still reeling. The greatest tragedy, the greatest loss that we've faced in the last week. I keep having to find more and more stories about Harambe. And all these damn shootings and celebrity deaths are taken away from my Harambe comments. Today's terrorist attack is so disrespectful to us. We're not even going to talk about it. I don't even want to bring it up. That's fair.

We should address, though, this came up. We got some negative comments on Twitter from people. For what? Apparently, you know, they know it's ironic, but we say the R word a little bit too much. Well, no, but that's a deliberate political choice. Yeah. It's called satire.

Yeah, we're really... When I say... We're satirical as all that. When I say retard, I don't mean actual retarded people. I mean fictional retarded people that I've made up to laugh at in my head. Right. But who are really silly and goofy

and are doing funny stuff yeah you know but they're not real it's like a fit like homestar runner like remember how everyone thought homestar runner wasn't mean-spirited because it was a cartoon with down syndrome rather than it being a fucking actual boy with down syndrome that's what made it okay guys yeah that's what satire is and it's also like you know i mean this is one of the most intelligent podcasts you could listen to. Abso-fucking-lutely. Yeah. It's getting out there to the intelligence.

And it hurts me because, you know, there's a lot of young kids that listen to this. And this is actually, you know what? I have a letter. Yeah, get the letter. Hold on. I think I got it. I have a letter. I got it.

Who wrote this? I got a letter. This is from one of our fans. Hi, Comptown. My name's Dylan. I'm five years old. I'm gay, and I this? I got a letter. This is from one of our fans. Hi, Comptown. My name's Dylan. I'm five years old. I'm gay, and I just learned how to jack off. And I wanted to thank you guys for, you know, teaching me how to live my life as a trans five-year-old.

Wow. And, you know, that warms my heart, guys, to know that these fucking kids are out there, and we're touching them. We're touching these children. We touching these and by the end of this project we're gonna touch basically every single child in america every child every race of child every type size and rate give me the ashley graham child let me touch the let me touch the biggest bitch five-year-old you can find and i'm gonna touch her her mind because i respect children and i respect our listeners and to say that we're you know problematic is that's fucked up it's bullshit and you're basically you're a faggot if you're saying that yeah this is a smart show like the gay fag for

sure if you're saying that this is a smart show like uh the stephen colbert uh colbert report this is like basically yeah we is like basically we're playing characters we're playing characters right now. But we just broke it. Fuck. All right. Well in real life

they don't even know what we are in real life. That's so true. They call that the fourth wall. Yeah. I think. I'm a French literature professor at Columbia.

That's right. I'm that guy that got exonerated for rape at Columbia. The mattress guy. The sweet. Wasn't he Swedish? What if he was one of the bicycle guys from the Brock Turner case? He went on to save another girl.

You know what? The rest of his life, still a sex offender. Right. Well, it's like the villain becomes the hero kind of story. Although, did he get in trouble he didn't get in trouble no he didn't get in trouble brock got in trouble brock got in trouble brock got caught yeah free brock you know it's so funny this is a messed up question but he said in his letter like oh yeah no i can't go to the olympics like was brock good enough at

swimming to go to the olympics has anyone looked that looked that up? There's no way he was good enough to go to the Olympics. Yeah, well, they said he was an all-American swimmer, which that just means white, right? Like all-American? That means white guy in my mind. Absolutely. I don't know what actually qualifies you to be all-American. You would know.

All-American? Yeah. You get enough stars. He had enough stars in swimming. You earn stars and stripes in sports from like doing chores yeah yeah the the smaller your fucking swimming underwear is that's what i like having the tidiest locker yeah i love those swimmers are like yeah i shave all my body hair to be faster or whatever it's like yeah an autistic person told you that there's no way that actually has

any real effect also brock's dad has spent so much time around little kids in bikinis his whole life like what a what a piece of shit brock's dad i'm gonna listen to you that is the worst part about brock's dad well i don't know man it was kind of dumb that everyone was criticizing that letter as if like his dad was supposed to be like yeah fuck him up fuck him up i hate my son yeah he's the person who raised a rapist he's gonna be like a fucking uh a font of knowledge his dad did have a tweet that was like brock is gonna be enjoying a different kind of footlong yeah in jail i actually i did that tweet you did yeah yeah i did one today for the i the, uh, you know, the bright side of this whole

shooting thing is that, you know, all the victims are up in heaven, enjoying a different kind of footlong. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. I can't help myself. You're going to hell. You're going to hell. If I go to hell, will I be enjoying a different kind of footlong?

Different kind of footlong. Oh. Oh shit. Sorry, those are my keys. Oh, that's too good. enjoying a different kind of footlock. Oh, shit. Sorry, those are my keys. Oh, that's too good. It's the new black box. It's the new the plane should be made out of the black box. It's the black box of Twitter. Yeah, it's a great joke.

I really don't think there's been enough time with Brock Turner yet. That guy should have postponed that shooting until... I guess he had to do it during Pride Week, a.k.a. Gay Ramadan. So it has the most effect. Absolutely. That's what they should do to get back at him. They should change the name of Pride Week to Gay Ramadan. Gay Ramadan.

Just fucking pictures of Mohammed sucking other Mohammeds off. Yeah. But we didn't get enough time with that Brock story. I think it's still, yeah, you're right. It's probably gone now. No, it's gone. Yeah, you're right. It's probably gone now, unfortunately. No, it's gone. Yeah, now it's going to be this shooting thing. And I don't know if you saw this.

About an hour ago, they arrested some white guy with a gun in his car outside the Pride Parade in LA. What? Yeah. Oh, and I read the article. I told Adam already. I read the article. Oh, my God.

There was a line in the article where they're talking... It's buried in there where they're talking about, you know, like a representative from the Anaheim Police Department stated that they take Disneyland very seriously. Just be that cop. And it's like, yeah, Mickey's real. He's fucking real and we protect him. Goofy's real. Mickey and Goofy are real. I'm friends with them and I keep them safe.

And I take him serious. I take them very fucking seriouslyofy's real. Mickey and Goofy are real. I'm friends with them, and I keep them safe. And I take him serious. I take them very fucking seriously. There's nothing. I mean, I know his name is Goofy, but there's nothing Goofy about Goofy the dog. He's a businessman. I respect him. I respect his choices as a father. The way he raises Max.

Frankly, I wouldn't let him listen to some of that music that he enjoys i mean he probably shouldn't be hanging out with paulie shore either but yeah that movie sucked goofy movie yeah i have nothing but are you i have nothing for real right now i remember not liking it power line like max's favorite star was so cool that song was so cool you know i think it was i think i was embarrassed of my own father and it struck a nerve with me as a kid and i just couldn't i couldn't do it there were too many similarities i love that one that movie too because it's just like everyone's a goofy yeah like there's no other there's no fucking mice there's no like yeah what what universe is this what is this goofy they're dogs

is there a different planet they're all dogs they're human like dogs they have human bodies yeah but where did fucking Donald fucking Duck go well isn't

is Pete supposed to be a cat the neighbor Pete the cat I think he's a cat he's just a big dog was he a dog I thought he was a fat cat

we need to watch we need to re-watch yeah yeah well they all go back to what is it steamboat willie they're the original mickey cartoon it's mickey mouse and then his boss is animation so it's mickey's boss interesting uh yeah why isn't mickey in the the that's what i'm fucking saying there's no they don't live in the same town he lives in an all goofy person so So it's segregated by species. In the Disney world, there is segregation. It is.

Well, Walt Disney wasn't about racism. Well, actually, I said, you remember the show, Doug? I don't know if I brought this up on the podcast. So, you know how like in Doug, like Skeeter's green and Rogers. Initially, they wanted to show to be like, let's make it multiracial. Let's have his best friend's Hispanic and there's a black kid and Nickelodeon or whatever back in 87,

whenever that show was being pitched, they were like, just make them purple and stuff. They were like, I think actually making them a different race might be too much, so let's just make them something that nobody can relate to. Give them disgusting green skin. Give them jaundice instead of making them Hispanic. I want one of them to be, their race to be booger because that's more pleasant than actual black eye, I think.

I got to do, speaking of trial, I got to do jury duty tomorrow. Oh, fuck you scared dude. You have jury duty like once a month. Didn't you just have jury duty? That's what happens, man. If you're a full-blooded white guy, they get you. They want you up there. Yeah.

They know you don't have better justice. My family came over on the Mayflower, dude. You're a good judge of character. Yeah. No, I had to postpone it last time. I had shit to do, and I postponed it to this one. And that's where I saw there was a guy in line. With the places.

What happened? There was some old black guy in line at jury duty last time that was just carrying a PS4. No, I like to believe that it was the box for the PS4 he was using as a briefcase, which is even funnier. You know what? It's not funnier because it's so sad. He's like the guy from the Pursuit of Happiness

except the child died. He's trying to get that like the guy from the Pursuit of Happiness except the child died. He's trying to get that child back. It's Pursuit of Happiness 2. I got PlayStation. Yo, it was a briefcase though? He wasn't using – he wasn't like playing PS4? It was the PlayStation 4 box that has like a handle on it and he was using that as a briefcase. Oh my God. Can you imagine being, whatever, whatever, like, court case that is,

to have to be the other side of that when you're like, actually, he should go to jail. I'd have to fucking lock that guy up. What if he was a lawyer? What if he was, like, the public defender? He's a lawyer for that retarded guy that accosted you outside of the Yankees game. Oh, yeah. Oh, that was so good, dude.

Like, I knew the whole schedule of the Yankees. And he talked like Daffy Duck. 2016 season. He's like, why don't you tell the story? When we went to the Yankees game, and I was wearing an Orioles shirt, you know, just to be a dickhead. And some guy came out and fucked immediately. At the end of the game, some guy just comes up to me. He's like, what are you doing here?

The Orioles are at home against the Texas Rangers right now. And I was like, what? And he's like, the Orioles, they're not here until July 30th. Whatever the fuck. He had, like, the exact, like, day down. And he just had, like, a nice fat. He had a fro. He knows the whole schedule. He had a mustache. He knew the exact day down, and he just had a nice fat... He had a fro. He knows the whole schedule.

He had a mustache. He knew the whole schedule. And he talked... Yeah, he was just an adult autistic man who loved the Yankees so much, and he accosted me about it. Had the funniest voice I've ever heard in my life, probably. Well, he also had that black eye mustache that you don't see them have very much anymore, where it's just like a solid black. Yeah's no nose thick black like this trebek has one like that

what's that alex trebek's got one of those steve harvey steve harvey had one steven where they just have like a cigar on their face like this big fucking fat that's i wish i could grow a mustache like that i can't i can't grow like a well i can't grow a mustache at that I can't I can't grow a mustache at all I can't grow a mustache at all I can't grow it in the middle Let me tell you guys something That news story that we didn't get enough time with I'd like to go back to

Yes, please The Gary Condit Chandra Levy thing Oh, hell yeah 9-11 really ruined that shit Everyone's talking about that That happened in September of It happened early September 2001 So we everyone's talking about that that happened in september of it happened early september 2001 so we're all talking about 90 why isn't why is oj shit so big this year why is like 90s are we gonna go through all 90s news stories or yeah no they're doing that because

if you look on netflix now they like there's been a resurgence of like shitty. Well, not shitty, but like 90s, I guess, summer thrillers and blockbusters. They're all like I watched. I watched. What was it? Fatal Attraction the other night, which might be the funniest movie I've ever seen in my entire life. Glenn Close looks like absolute dog shit. That's the woman. I haven't seen it.

Yeah. She's the one he leaves like his what what is it what's the plot of the movie uh yeah so he has a hot wife i forget who the wife is played by but she's like this hot like fucking some european actress or something i don't know i wasn't paying attention but she was hot and then he meets glenn close who looks like a fucking like hair metal meth that looks like she looks like an early trance that's what she does when the surgery was very new yeah you know she retains most of her masculine features sort of like a yeah yeah she took a fucking she took one hormone okay well not hormones she had one

she's barely yeah she sucked on a ball for like 30 minutes. And then she's like, I'm finished. They finished me, love. And Michael Douglas can just not stop fucking her. Yeah, he can't stop. He's like, his wife goes out of town for like 45 minutes. And he's like, I have to fuck you. And he fucks her. And then Glenn Close is already not an attractive woman.

Sure. And in this movie, she's like really particularly fucking bad like have you ever been to have you ever seen like the the white trash in florida oh yeah like that's that's the look i said i said the other day she looks like when uncle fester gets electrocuted in the bathtub like eyes are all sunken in her head and she's like i'm very white well what about that i think that was like an 80s style but there was like the raccoon around the eye yeah she had raccoon eyes and then her hairline starts

in the middle of her head like fucking Elizabeth 1 and she's got this shitty like frizzy mop of blonde hair and Michael Douglas just cannot stop fucking her and she's like cutting herself and threatening to ruin his life and he's like I just need more I think it was a euphemism for like bad cocaine or something She's cutting herself and threatening to ruin his life. He's like, I just need more.

I think it was a euphemism for bad cocaine or something. The crack epidemic or something. That might be what it is. You directed it? Me. I did. It's a satire. It's Paul Verhoeven. He did it.

Michael Douglas was in a bunch of these like movies where he just has uh he has like weird bad sex with women like this weird like middle-aged sex where it's like you're not yeah there's i've watched the other one uh which actually is verhoeven i think uh uh basic instinct yes yeah okay uh and oh i keep i get those two yeah yeah yeah and he goes oh you said that you saw fatal attraction i confuse those two movies no because sharon stone's hot dude yeah she shows her pussy yeah you see her pussy in that movie i fucked her before um but then michael douglas fucking in those movies is like it's always the woman being like i don't want you to make love to me i want you to fuck me and then he he's, like, always about to bite them. He's always, like, making the...

He's, like, sucking air through his teeth. Like, he's about to fucking bite them. And then whenever he sticks his dick in, they both have this, like, pained expression. Like, have you ever seen cats fuck? Like, where it's this traumatic incident? Yeah, like two barnacles. Two male barnacles that fuck each other to death.

That's, like, the, you know the vibe of Michael Douglas' sex scenes. Was he the cuck in Unfaithful? No, that was... Who was the husband? I think he was the cuck in Unfaithful. No, wasn't that fucking Richard Gere? That was Richard Gere. You're very right.

Bitch. I know that shit the richard gear durable rumor is it stays keeps being funny to me you know what i need to do as soon as we're wrapped up with this do a series of tweets about harambe living inside of folks you're getting to see extremely online guys this is the process unfolding before your eyes them into the pro for your damn ears yeah no i mean it's so funny to me well you and i remember when you and i and jake were talking about the rod stewart one

on it yeah so the the rumor rod stewart uh there's a rumor that he OD'd and they saved him at a party. Yeah, he OD'd at a party and had to go to the hospital. Oh, right. And they pump his stomach. And what was it? There's two liters of semen. There's a drug cocktail and two liters of semen. We're just like, wow, that's a tremendous liters of semen and we're just like wow that's like a tremendous amount of semen

so we did so if you if you look at the medium the median load of a guy yeah and then you divide that into two liters of semen

it's like he would have had to suck how many was it it was I think you know I mean I'm pulling it it was in the 700s yeah it was like

722.6 yo what if he was saving I love that he's maybe just saving his own jizz. Rod Stewart. Maybe he's just coming into a fucking bucket. Well, yeah. That's one option.

He had some sort of refrigerated jizz situation. There's no other way. Unless he's just a large bukkake. No, he had to have sucked. I mean, first of all, the story's real. It's a true story. That's number one. Let's get that out of the way right now About Rod Stewart sucking 723 men's penises.

How long does it take to metabolize? Like six hours? You have to remember, this is the 1980s, too. So this is like a big Hollywood party. Michael Douglas is fucking like a broom with tits drawn on it. He's high on cocaine in the background. Richard Gere walks in. He's like, does anyone have a gerbil?

Just all the urban legends? Yeah. Prince is getting his ribs removed so that he can suck Marilyn Manson's dick. Oh, that's good. That's how that got confused. I think those rumors do get applied to multiple celebrities. Yeah, well, it's colloquial.

When I was a kid, I remember Marilyn Manson sucking his own dick. And then it wasn't until adulthood that I heard that it was Prince doing it. Oh, I never heard Prince. This is the first time I've heard that. Do you remember when Ciara came out and everyone's like, she's a genius. She's got a penis, guys. She's a beautiful woman woman i don't remember that one starting her music career i do i do remember little bow wow got raped by his bodyguard yeah that's well that's true is it because someone told me it wasn't i think it's true that was like that was like me finding out

santa isn't real at like 22 years old is that the the little Bow Wow story wasn't real? I think it's real. See? I mean, check. Because I'm pretty sure... And someone from B2K got raped, I think, also. B2K stood for Boys of the 21st Century, just in case anyone... I think Roger from Moesha raped B2K. I'm not even kidding.

That's the fucking... That's the rumor I heard. Wait, Roger from Sister, Sister? Yeah, yeah, whatever. Batman. That was his stage name, right? Was it? even kidding that's the fucking that's the rumor i heard wait roger from sister sister yeah yeah whatever batman that was his stage name right was it yeah he went into r&b after that yeah because no he went he's like an r&b guy because he uh i remember they were like roger was the fucking nerd and he did like a similar stefan thing well he hit puberty in between seasons and like he went from being like little Roger to then he was like... Oh, it wasn't Roger.

It was TJ, wasn't it? No. Oh, that was Smart Guy. Never mind. Yeah, that was Smart Guy, bitch. Yo, this is the most 90s-ass podcast we've ever had. Only 90s kids know. Only in 90s cuts.

Gary Condit. Only true-ass 90s kids. Well, that's what you do. Like, you know, we were joking about that show Vinyl. Like, fucking baby boomers love being like, oh, man, the 70s. No, dude, I've fucked so many women that look like Glenn Close. And they reminisce on the 70s. And you're like, shut the fuck up.

And then we're going to do that. But we're going to be like 40 years old and be like, Doug. It was a multicultural show. Nobody did it like us. Roger from fucking Moesha. I remember the Sierra thing, though. I remember, and I would,

it did not deter me from beating off the Sierra, and I think that's what opened up me thinking I would fuck a trans woman. Yeah, I'm in there for sure. You know what, you know what one was great

is the Jamie Lee Curtis one. Oh, yeah. Jamie Lee Curtis was a hermaphrodite, and it was because she had, like, short hair. Yeah like she's a jar head she had the biggest tits in the world oh yeah i would titty fuck the shit out of jamie lee are you serious yeah that was one of my first boners was true lies when she does the strip dance scene oh how about fucking in uh yo what's up with like every movie every movie where Arnold has a kid, the kid's name is Jamie?

Yeah, I have to save Jamie. Jamie! It's Christmas, Jamie! Jamie, don't forget, we have to get a present! The Diabo man. Jamie! Elliot, dude.

I did not know that that was the case. Yeah, and in every movie he had, like, his name was, like, John Anderson. Yeah, I love that. I'm from Cleveland. I'm a police officer. I'm a police officer. I'm a cop. I'm from Los Angeles.

Born and raised. He's the big, yo, he's, like, he's one of my. He's the king, dude. He's the biggest overachiever of all time. I'm not saying he didn't work for it. He worked for that body. Well, his dad was a Nazi. I mean, you know, people complain about their fathers.

They instill values in you. Well, imagine if your father's... Wasn't he a Nazi police officer? I don't know. He was an Austrian cop. He was an Austrian cop, but that was also a Nazi sympathizer. So imagine you have a Nazi cop dad. How are you not going to be the

most jacked fucking dude in the entire world then the whole country should be artis forseniger uh yeah that's true wow profound thanks he got you bitch r.i.p harambe yo but like listen here's this guy this this like mongoloid like uh like gland case that's like i'm gonna be the strongest guy in the world and then he became the strongest guy in the world and then this like mongoloid like gland case that's like, I'm going to be the strongest guy in the world and then he became the strongest guy

in the world and then he's like, I'm going to be the biggest movie star despite the fact that I cannot speak English in an intelligible manner whatsoever.

Right. And then he became the biggest fucking movie star in America. Well, it was right time, right place for him. I think the 1980s were a weird thing.

Like after the Vietnam War and before the gulf war there was like this weird period in american cinema where the idea of like an american hero evaporated because they like lionized world war ii in american cinema so you have all these movies like glorifying the american gi and what a hero is right and then everybody hates the fucking military after Vietnam, and nobody gives a shit about, like, American values anymore after Nixon and stuff. And so all of, like, the American heroes in the 1980s are, like, you know, Europeans on steroids. Right, right, right.

It's like Jean-Claude Van Damme and, you know, Arnold and shit. Stallone had a nice run there. He used to be a literal robot. Yeah. Stallone. Yeah, but he sounds European because he has, like, Bell's palsy Arnold and shit. Stallone had a nice run there. He used to be a literal robot. Yeah, but he sounds European because he has like Bell's palsy or some shit.

Well, and also Rambo is like so anti. He did porn, right? Before he became, he was living in the, he was living in the,

I saw his hog, it was pretty big. the bus station at Times Square, what's that shit? The Port Authority. Yeah, he was living there

and he saw, saw that, saw that, saw that, saw that, saw that, Whoa, the port authority yeah he's living there and he saw the saw it at soft cool port whoa is sylveges alone here yeah how you guys doing i wish i could do better uh yeah no he did he did a point i watched it and then i think you can see his dick the story of Rocky's pretty cool because he wrote that fucking piece of shit and then he sold it and he was like,

I want to direct it and be in the movie and you're not getting it. And then they fucking, you know, they were like, no, we'll give you this amount of money

and he fought for it and fought for it. Yeah. And he took like a lower amount of pay to be in it and now, you know. Yeah,

it's fucking incredible. He won best screenplay at the academy awards my friend matt told me a story that like sylvester stallone like he has a friend that's family friends with sylvester stallone and you know they've known them for years and they went horseback riding on their like with their horses in maryland somewhere in like western maryland and uh sylvester stallone fell off his horse and like stubbed his thumb and started crying he's a grown man i love this fucking slander this sly slander we got going on yeah yeah yeah i heard from yo i heard from one guy told me that another guy that he knows

said the sylvester stallone cried i'll fucking kick his ass. If I see him right now... Dude, he's a bitch, dude. He's a fucking bitch, dude. I'll kick his ass. Yeah, fuck Sly, yeah. So what's going on in the world of monster trucks? That's the monster truck segment. Oh, the boat...

What's his name? The... Gravedigger. Gravedigger is always... I feel like since we were kids, been around. He's always... Yeah, well, that's like the number two truck after Bigfoot. You know what I want to do?

I wanted to print out my own Grave Digger shirts with Grave Digger on them and go to an event, like a monster truck event, and set up a little table and start selling them and see how long it takes before they notice and shut me down. But it says Grave Digger on it. Well, it's got Grave Digger on it. Picture Grave Digger, and then it says Digger Lover. Jesus, guys. And you see how many and then it says Digger Lover. Jesus Christ. And you see how many you can sell. That's pretty good. I think odd people would buy them.

They would sell out quick, dude. Yeah. The Monster Truck demographic. Have you been to a Monster Truck? And the N-word pun demographic? Yeah. You been? I went to a Monster Jam at US Air Arena when I was like five.

Was it good? I don't know. I was five. I was there with my grandma. I remember being very loud. And then I went to another monster truck event pretty recently.

Me and Dana went to one at like a fair and it was, it kind of sucked. Yeah. It seems like it would suck. Yeah. My friend just went

for his like birthday in Austin. He went to one and he said it was kind of underwhelming. I believe that shit, dude. I would want to go but it's just anywhere there's that many fucking people and the people that love monster truck rallies you want to go to be around you want to have your own private monster truck i want to have like a bond villain i want to have a fucking i want an

audience with fucking gravedigger dude i want a private audience With Gravedigger I wanna go In a fucking robe I watched the Like the modern marvels On monster trucks And they were like Talking about How the drivers Don't have fans

And the drivers Get like fucked up dude They get like Their spines broken And shit And they just cycle them out And it's like Really people only care

About the trucks They're unsung heroes The trucks are Like characters The trucks are like characters. The trucks are the stars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much do you fucking make to be a monster truck driver? $22,000 a year.

That's not bad. No, they got to be teamsters, right? How funny would it be if they were teamsters? They're fully in you. Yeah. I ain't doing that. I drove over a car last week. Get me a fucking sandwich.

The trucks just sit there all day long. You get paid $9,000. That's not bad. $9,000 a day. Yeah, that's how much Teamsters make. I want to go to the RNC. Yeah. Brandon Wardell's going.

I know. Yeah, Brandon Wardell's being sent there by Nickelodeon Gak and fucking Gogur. He's got some great insights into the world of politics. Yeah, I don't understand what they're doing. They're sending me to the RNC and I'm gonna be like, yo, nice to hear it's whack, Donald Trump.

That's gonna be the entirety of what they pay him a quarter million dollars. They're gonna like get them to dab or something. exactly he's gonna be like i just taught the soldier boy dance to the delegates the hillary campaign should seriously fucking poach brandon they should hire brandon honestly really they should they should that would be he's good at memes yeah he would be great for them. And then also we could relentlessly bully Brandon about doing that for the rest of his fucking short life. Short?

Oh, yeah, dude. The more money he gets, he's going to overdose on sneakers or whatever the fuck. Oh, did you guys, I forgot to ask. Did he water? Did you congratulate Trump for predicting the terrorist attack? Oh, man, that was the best tweet of the day. Yeah. Yeah.

Everyone's saying thank you to me. Yeah, yeah. Everyone was the best tweet. What a champion. Of the day, yeah. Yeah, everyone's saying thank you to me. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's congratulating me. I want to say thank you for congratulating me, but it's, you know, let's give it a day or two before I graciously accept that I was right about Muslims. Oh, God. He's the king.

He's a fucking hero, man. So now it's like basically we get a fascist versus an imperialist, and we have to choose. Everyone's going to choose imperialist. Whoa, stop with the hot takes over there, buddy. That's my take, guys. Another chopper. Actually, sorry, guys.

You're not allowed to say hot takes anymore. That belongs to Brandon Wardell. Copyright Viacom. The Brandon Wardell Corporation. It's Lit Fam Entertainment Incorporated. They own Hot Takes now. N-Word Media. Please let me say the N-Word Media.

It's just called N-Word Media. The N-Word I'm talking about is never. Because I'm never going to stop. Because I'm never going to say it, folks. Sorry, I got to stretch. You got to stretch it out. Should we take a break?

Yeah, take a damn break. We'll take a quick fiver and then we'll be back. We're back. We'll be back. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Thank you. Okay, we're back from break. Back from break. It's Puerto Rican rattlesnake Adam Freeland. Puerto Rican rattlesnake Stavros Halkias. And the original Puerto Rican rattlesnake, me. It's actually Puerto Rican Pride Week.

It's Puerto Rican Gay Pride Week. Puerto Rican Gay Pride Week. No, it is Puerto Rico Week, which I feel like they have too often here in New York. It's Lin-Manuel Miranda is the head of the parade. How about this? Here's a good compromise. No more gentrification. You get rid of that fucking parade.

We take it away from him. What do you do for the parade? The crazier parade around here is the Caribbean one. Oh, you say it pirate style. I say it pirate style. Really? That's a choice. It's an aesthetic choice.

It's Caribbean. I've never heard anyone say Caribbean until the Pirates of the Caribbean movies came out. Yeah, that's how I say it. You've said it like that your whole life? My whole life, yeah. I actually do a bit about that, about how no one says it that way until those movies came out. Because I say, you know what my thing is? I say Reese's Pieces.

I can't stop doing that. Reese's, baby. Reese's Pieces. Reese's Pieces. Let me get some Reese's. Do you have Reese's Pieces? That's how people say that shit in Baltimore. I don't think it's a regional thing. I think I'm

just a fucking idiot. Yeah, my friends are dumb as well. I used to say like reindeer zing like when I saw those signs. Oh. School, like children zing. Everybody does that. Xmas? I say Xmas. Oh, no. I figured out

Xmas, but I couldn't figure out zing until I was like 41. I say Xmas. Oh, no. I figured out Xmas. Yeah. Couldn't figure out Zing until I was like 41. I thought it meant that there were Chinese children playing. Beware. Chinese children ahead. There's a Zing coming up. Children. Ching. Ching.

Wah. Ching. Wah. Ching. I'm not going to be able to be racist towards Chinese anymore. I'm leaving Chinatown. Where are you going? I'm moving to Bed-Stuy.

You're going to that place? Yeah. I'm like a pretty cool Bed-Stuy guy now. I'm in Bed-Stuy. Dude, this is... Yeah, I don't really consider myself one of the gentrifiers because it's like I'm not the one paying the rent. You know what I mean?

This is where they did do the right thing. And by the way, I disagree. I don where they did do the right thing and by the way i disagree i don't think they did the right thing yeah there was like a shooting a couple blocks from my house the other week so it's still pretty lit in my neighborhood it's still like it's still a pretty cool place gang shit gang shit bro gang shit uh r.i.p to70. Oh, I miss him so much. Who's in jail. Dude, I sent you the DMs I sent him right before he went to jail. Wait, who? You know who discovered him is Will from Chapo Trap House.

Oh, Will shouts out. That is Will's greatest Instagram. I've evangelized Popcorn for a while. Popcorn270 on Instagram. This little fat white kid is Eric Cartman. In Kentucky. You know what he looks like? He looks like Eric Cartic cartman with glenn close his hair from fatal attraction and yeah he's like all of his videos are like me and my niggas hanging out smoking weed with like some other moron and a white beater he is very plays very fast and loose with the N word.

It's so funny. Anyhow, he just got arrested and he's doing 10 years. What? I'll read the DMs that I sent him. I was like, yo, Popcorn, you... So he wrote on one of his Instagrams. You find him. I'll continue telling the story. So yeah, his account's great.

It's this little fat kid that just smokes weed and like make shitty rap videos and like post pictures of his like his like kmart brand jeans like sagging but yeah he got arrested and adam dm'd him to see so i was like hi popcorn are you really going to jail on wednesday for 10 years and he said yeah i have to do two years out of 10 to get parole but i'll probably do four and i was like damn dude sorry to hear that what happened and he said me and my dude did a home invasion with a handgun and went on a high-speed chase with the police because we was in a stolen car i love that he's just telling this fucking stranger on Instagram. What's going on? Like, you could be a cop.

You could be anyone. Yeah. So I said, are you doing okay? And then he didn't respond to that because that's a soft-ass question. And then I was like, can you have Insta in jail? And he said, no, you can't. He's like the white Latarian Milton. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That kid's gotten his life around. around turn his life around dude yeah well he graduated middle school he did all

that shit when he was like 10 girlfriend did he in his yeah he had a hot like tall black girl that he was dating how old and like there are pictures where he's just like holding her ass and he's like every you know nobody said we could do this And then there's a picture at Zales where he's taking a picture of a ring. And he's like, yeah, about to celebrate our three month. Oh, God. Do you remember that when jewelry stores had like a little window where you could see the guy working on the jewelry? No. There was one at Layfar Small.

They had that. They had like a little window. Like a small Jew? No, it was a Chinese guy that would work on the jewelry. No. There was one at Lake Forest Mall. They had that. They had like a little window. Like a small Jew? No, it was a Chinese guy that would work on the jewelry and you could go to pretzel time and get pretzels and just fucking stare at him.

And he would get mad at you if you stared at him. But that's why they have the fucking window there. Right, right, right. You flip him off and shit and he couldn't do anything. Yeah, that's right.

For fucking teenage assholes to troll him, dude. That's exactly what they fucking had in mind. You just have fucking nacho cheese sauce all over your lips. My favorite, my favorite Latarian Milton video

is like, I think the third one where they're interviewing him and he's gotten so used to the news in his house that he's just going about his business in the house. He's like,

cause I like doing bad shit. Leave me alone. And they follow him around the kitchen and while they're following him, he's making Kool like doing bad shit leave me alone and i follow him around the kitchen and while they're following him he's making kool-aid ice cubes oh fuck dude letarian's the best oh i love him i wanted to adopt him how's he doing he's good they had they did it they ran a news story about him recently where it's like oh look how and he's like in a suit and he's like, I'm over that. He's graduating eighth grade.

He's going to high school. He's going to play football. He's really into turning his life around. We'll see, though. That was a while ago. High school. Maybe he's probably a sophomore now. There's a lot of peer pressure.

Damn, I wonder what Latarian's up to. I'm going to follow up. Peer pressure, man. That's tough. That's what made Brock do those unspeakable things. That's right. It was party culture.

It was party culture and peer pressure. Yeah. Free Brock, guys. Free Brock. If we could be serious for a moment, let Brock out of jail.

Did you see that story? Because he has the same name as the president? Yeah. And the guy from Pokemon with the stone. Well, Barack Obama actually said

if I had a son his name would sound like Brock's if I had a son he would be Letarian Milton he said that for real he did did you see that thing about that girl that wrote a letter to the judge

saying that Brock's not a bad guy. I went to elementary school with him. And if you write a letter to a judge in a trial, it's like public records. So someone found it and they put it online. And that girl was in a band. And now that band has been kicked out of all these music festivals in Brooklyn. Oh, no. Yeah.

And all these fucking... Well, Bar Matchless, they kicked them out. And the owner of matchless was like she lives here uh no they the band's in like ohio or some shit but bar matchless kicked the band out and they're like um we're not going to support anybody that apologizes or diminishes rape and it's like have you watched the show at your bar bar stand-up show every monday every fucking michael chay's like let me tell you about my new thought about cosby yeah yeah pretty much i got 10 new cosby minutes everyone um yeah uh bar matchless will never stand by rape that's bar matchless check us out on yelp give us five stars uh for not dude my friend just bought me because he thought it'd be funny or something.

He listens to the podcast now. But he just bought me a Bill Cosby shirt from season 12. He's like, it's so cheap. No one wants Cosby show memorabilia. You gonna rock it? It's a monster's shirt.

I'm gonna have a monster's shirt in my room. I'm gonna wear Hitler's underpants. I'm going to have a monster's shirt in my room. I'm going to have Hitler's underpants. I would wear Hitler underpants. Is Cosby going to jail? He's going to trial, I think. Yeah. There's one statute of limitations that wasn't expired.

Oh, really? That's why he kept getting away with it. All the race were in the 70s. What if that's the trial I'm on? What if that's the jury I guess i get selected for probably dude and they're like well he's racist but he is a comedian so he's got you know check marks on both sides neutral yeah he's completely neutral on this one are you worried about getting a fucking long-ass trial? A nice murder trial? I am. I mean, it would be cool, you know? My friend sort of lost his mind doing that.

Eric did. Eric? Is that what happened to Eric? I sort of think that might have happened because he did, like, he sent a guy to jail for 35 years. He didn't send a guy to jail, but yeah. He was on this jury that they convicted. And it was super intense and there was, was like long jury deliberations and stuff. You know what I would want to do is like one of those ones where somebody left a baby in a car.

Yeah. And I would be the one guy where it's like, nah, fuck that baby. I'd be the 12 Angry Men guy that's like, I personally, fuck that baby. That's how I feel. And then they all have to convince me and they can't do it. I'm like all right forget it so guys the tonys are going on tonight uh who's who's excited i mean i've seen in the tonys the tonys is for what musicals uh yes plays it's for plays but all the plays are

in new york so it's like why would anyone else watch Tonys that don't live in New York, that aren't like gay men living in Chelsea in New York? I thought it was like the award. I thought it was like, okay, which one's the best? Scarface, Soprano, the Tiger. You got to pick one here. Which one? Which ones are going to be? Who's the best?

I say Tony the Tiger. The Goose, baby. We were looking at Goose. We were looking at naked pictures of Tony the Tiger. The goose, baby. We were looking at naked pictures of Tony the Tiger the other week. There's a thing. When people draw Tony the Tiger on DeviantArt, fucking Mario, or Toucan Sam.

Of course he's got a huge dick. Everybody has a huge dick in the cartoon fuck world. It's true. What's great is the way they draw Tony is, so the end of his dick is blue because his nose is all blue. His nose is blue? Oh, no. It's always every single one.

He's got a blue tip of a dick. It's unbelievable. Oh, that's incredible. He's got a blue dick. Literally, you will not find one Tony the Tiger dick pic online that is not blue-headed. It's so funny. And that makes me think about, like, Toucan Sam dick.

They should draw it striped like his nose. And he's saying, follow your dick to the smaller birds. You know, I was looking up Toucan Sam on Wikipedia the other day. Sure, of course. Which I love Wikipedia because the Toucan Sam article is, like, 15,000 words. It is? There is a lot of shit on there. I don't know if it's that far.

But, yeah, and then they have – you know what? It is actually the longest article I've seen. It's on the Wikia. It's like the Star Wars Wikia. The page for Wedge Antilles, who's like a minor character in the movies. He's like Luke Skywalker's friend that's like, you can do it, Luke. That's like the like a minor character in the movies. He's like Luke Skywalker's friend that's like, you can do it, Luke.

You know? That's like the movie's only line in the movie. And that article, like, you pull it up on your phone. Look up Wedge Antilles on your fucking phone

on the Star Wars wiki. Like Wedge, like a salad? Yeah, like Wedge. Like, yeah, a salad wedge. It's obscene. It's probably

like 50,000 words how much somebody fucking wrote about Wedge Antilles. But, yeah, I was looking at the Toucan Sam page, and it's like all these extra characters and storylines that happen in the commercial that nobody pays attention to that shit. Right, right, right. And somebody got paid like millions of dollars. Oh, yeah. It's like, well, what if he's got a friend that's like a dog's like a dog that's on safari and they got paid a shit ton of money for that um to do that shit didn't you yeah this is this is this is pretty long uh no our company paid me briefly to like they were like we

want you to write tweets for us and that lasted two days and they were like never mind please don't ever do this again how can we work for hillary clinton fuck brandon we should just be writing those tweets we wouldn't write as nerdy tweets yeah delete your account everyone thought that was so fucking cool no first of all i only found out about that because of people making fun of her for that yeah it's so stupid thought that was yeah all these people were like i'm dead i'm crying cry emoji. Cry emoji. I'm fucking Slade. Drag him. Drag him, Hillary.

And it's like, wait, that's supposed to be Hillary. Be the Khaleesi that we need. That America needs. Hillary. Yo, this is what Hillary doesn't get. Okay. Yeah. Sorry to go to chopper territory here, but this is my political analysis.

Hillary can't go cool. We're never going to buy it. She's not cool. You have to emphasize the fact that you're like a freak. I'm a freak. I read policy papers all night long. I have no sex drive. She should go full autism, dude.

She should go Big Bang Theory. That show has been on for like 27 seasons. Nerd culture is huge. The Golden State Warriors are a nerd team, right? Yeah, yeah. Why doesn't she just go full nerd? Why is she trying to be cool? That's smart.

Why is she trying to be Beyonce? And it's like Donald Trump is so inherently cool that like anytime he's, you know, what's so great about Trump is he should be so easy to make fun of, but he's not. He's hideous. He's not. He's wearing weave. Anytime. All the people that are like, oh, Trump, you sound like a fucking nerd.

Yeah, you're a nerd. He doesn't care. You're a nerd making fun of Donald Trump. And you know what? Everyone made fun of the dangerous Donald thing. And guess what he calls Elizabeth Warren? Goofy Elizabeth. Which should be so much worse than dangerous Donald, but it's perfect.

Goofy Elizabeth. He calls her it's perfect. Goofy Elizabeth. He calls her Goofy. Goofy Elizabeth's going to keep lying about being Pocahontas. And it works. I love him. Goofy Elizabeth. I really just, I cannot wait until the election's over and I'm going to buy that hat. He's really, yeah, when the election's over, it'll be nice.

I mean, as a social phenomenon, he's Agent Smith of the Republican Party. He's a virus that's just multiplying and we just don't know how far it's going. Holy shit. Did I show you that comment someone sent me? They said Trump is Agent Smith? No, no, no. Sorry. From some woman posting on Trump's page.

Oh, fuck. You showed me. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if I showed you. It's so fucking funny. Somebody sent me this. This kid Who listens to the podcast

Shout out to him Shout out Who? So okay This is on Trump's page On Facebook Some woman Terry

Terry L. Beavis Guthrie And I looked Is that real? I'm pretty sure it's real Okay I mean as much as I can vet Yeah She goes

She writes Mr. Trump I don't know if you read these posts or not however my son matthew who was born with down syndrome would be honored to tell obama and hillary they are fired he will be voting for you and you are his idol he's been telling us since he saw the apprentice that obama is fired it would be the thrill of his life to be able to stand next to you and tell them both, Obama and Hillary, you are fired.

Oh my God. That's so awesome. That's the best shit I've ever heard in my entire life. Mr. Trump, my retarded son, is a big fan of your policies. Mr. Trump, my son with Down syndrome, who sometimes thinks you are Donald Duck, who sometimes confuses you are Donald Duck.

Who sometimes confuses you with Donald Duck, to be fair. He would love to tell Hillary. He'd love to tell Obama and Hillary they're fine. You're fired. Like, what is he basing that off of? What? Why does this kid hate Obama? Bebe came out for Trump in a couple tweets. And people responded

like BB don't. BB Trump's not good dude. You shouldn't do that. No I fully support BB being on the Trump train. Well BB does support BB and Netanyahu but that's only because they have the same name. Oh fuck that is so god damn good. Well we are winding down here um we need something else to talk about we still have 15 minutes to kill i watched the benghazi movie oh did you yeah

perfect let's talk about that it is okay guys it is but first of all michael bay is so right wing at this point i don't know what has happened to this guy. He's just like, he's like a psycho. They kill so many Muslim people in this movie. I can't even begin to explain to you how many people Jim from The Office killed. Jim from The Office. Jim looking hot as hell, by the way. Just murdering.

And Roy from The Office is also here. Yeah, but he's like an office spinoff um oh dude it's just incredible so me and my friend were watching it and uh is hillary supposed to be michael scott well hillary's the head of isis everyone knows that yeah um me and my friend were watching it and like at the beginning we were like ironically high-fiving each other every time they said like bazi real serious. They're like, guess we better go to Benghazi. We just high-five each

other. But at a certain point we realize that the word Benghazi is literally written on maybe every single page of that script. They are saying... Oh, the movie is also 2 hours and 40 minutes long. Oh my god.

There are titles, there are crayons on on screen at the beginning of scenes where they say benghazi they like introduce the scene as like when they show you the location in that movie is it always done in that like like that like the computer yeah yeah it shows up with the military movies i always have to have like the date and military time yeah and they can where it's being decoded in front of you just like the fucking military that's my favorite thing is in uh movies about the muslim world like there's always at the beginning of a scene to establish you're in the muslim world the call to prayer yeah it's prayer, yeah. It's like the gong. It's like the gong of East Asia. Like, oh, we're in China now, gong.

The best song from any one of those movies is that Somali prayer song from Black Hawk Down. They're like, Hey, I love my, I love my, I love my. You know, like the dramatic. Somebody's dying. Just have that dying in slow motion. Dude, your close personal friend is in that movie, Tom Sizemore. Oh, somebody's dying. I just have that dying in slow motion. Dude, your close personal friend is in that movie, Tom Sizemore.

Oh, shit, yeah. Oh, by the way, if you're listening and you don't know, Tom Sizemore and me are actually friends. You still follow each other on Twitter? Yeah, I check to make sure he hasn't unfollowed me. But he, you know, Tom Sizemore is fucking insane. Imagine he, like, was in every great movie from 1996 until 2000. Oh yeah. And then just did a bunch of math and beat the shit out of Heidi Fleiss.

Who did he beat up? He's still working. Yeah. He's still working, but he was in a movie with Paul Verzi. Really? Yeah. Like two weeks ago I saw Paul.

I saw Paul outside of the stand. He's like, yeah, I saw Paul. What? I saw Paul outside the stand. He's like, yeah, I just finished working on a movie with Tom Sizemore and it was great and we took pictures together and we had a great time

and I was like, Tom Sizemore? And he was like, yeah, and I was like, I love Tom Sizemore. He was on the Celebrity Rehab Dr. Drew show.

Hell yeah. You can't fix Sizemore. Sizemore needs those drugs to be as talented of an actor as he is oh yeah um the way that we that's what kelsey needed to be frazier you know oh yeah yeah apparently kelsey grammar was on like a cocktail of intoxicants the entire time he was making hell yes dude. How much of the cocktail was semen? It was Niles' semen. It was two liters.

It was Niles' semen. I loved it that show. When I was a kid, I couldn't tell. I thought they were British. Yeah, I did too. I was like, are they British? I don't understand why they have that accent. It's like, oh, no, they're not.

Just gay. Dad was a cop, and he was like, you know, working vice. He was like, you don't understand the kind of day I've had. And he beat him. So they sent him to live with their gay British mother. Is that the story? Because there was a British. Wasn't the nanny?

The nanny was British. Not the nanny, but the, like, maid. Mrs. Sheffield. Yeah. That was a good-ass show, too. Yeah, I watched all of that shit. I wanted to smash Fran Drescher. And I still do, by the way.

Really? Hell yeah, dude. She was hot. Dude, and then she had like a show on the CW or some shit, like fucking 10 years after the nanny, where she was like old and still hot. I'd still smash now, guys. I can't. I don't know if I can have sex with a Jew ever again.

I can say that. Yes, you can. Why can you say that? Personally, I'm offended as a guy that likes to fuck I can't do it anymore I just I was seeing this girl who's like a

New York City I was like this is the real Jew she's a real kind of Jew not like me from Las Vegas this is a real every time she'd say thank you for something Yes. I was like, not like me. The treacherous ones. From Las Vegas. This is a real bit, you know. A real dick feel broad.

And then every time she'd say thank you for something, it was just, it sounded like she was being sarcastic. She'd be like, wow, thanks a lot. I'd be like, well, I just did, like, I cooked dinner, so. Dude, you're going to come back. You're going to come back for the tribe, dude. I can't stand it, dude. They drive me.

Would your parents be sad if you didn't marry a Jew? They do say that, but that's just, like, absurd. I love that. That's like, yeah, fuck your cousin. Okay, Adam? Fuck your cousin. You know, we are only 2% of the entire population of the entire country. I mean, I guess it's different in New York.

But fuck your cousin. Just please fuck your cousin. They're like 97% here. It's two men. It's mostly them, I think, in New York. I like that girl accent. Whenever girls say thank you, they go, thank you.

Oh my god, thank you. It's like what? Every girl, yeah, every single girl. Like shoppy girls? Shop girls? Shop? What are you talking about? Like shoppy girls? Shop girls? Shop? What are you talking about? Like girls that are like to shop. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I have to shop. I have to shop. Yeah, we were doing that. Oh, my God. I had the worst day. I was shopping all day, and I'm so exhausted that I just have to shop. I have to blow off steam. I do my business shopping during

the day and then i work on these commercials and like the wardrobe assistant girls are always the worst fucking people in the entire world they're like i'm 20 and i kind of just you know find my way through life by positive thinking and uh so i don't really pay rent. I just fuck people to stay at their place. Oh, yeah. I would love to do that. Always, yeah. I saw this girl that I was dating a few months ago and she said to me, she said,

yeah, after we stopped seeing each other, I realized that I can fuck any guy that I want. So there was really no reason to go out with you because as a woman, I can have sex with any man. Yeah. And I feel like that's the Da Vinci Code. I mean, if they all realize that, then it's over for us, right? I don't know. Us personality boys?

This is getting into like shitty black comic territory. Goes the pussy. You got a scholarship sitting underneath your legs that was one of aries spears's bits where he's talking about how women a woman not gonna go to college you got a scholar you sitting on a scholarship girl he's basically saying fuck your way to college use your pussy to go to college that's a good bit it's a good bit yeah they can they can fuck whatever they want um hell yeah dude well what else do we got somebody talk for five minutes guys i just want to know what's going on with my cum boys dude what are you coming is everyone let's have a weekly come

check when was the last time you came adam yesterday did you beat off or was it sex both both wait what do you mean yeah nice man i did both activities yesterday hell yeah dude yeah beating off first or second no that was just a daytime. Roommate's gone, you know, beaten off just to clear the pipes, escaping into my masturbatoria. I mean,

like living with roommates is just, Oh yeah. You know, I know anytime you're alone, you have to, like a bandit. Yeah. Um,

now let me ask you this. Yeah. Uh, do you like the game? Michelle from the podcast. Uh, yes. from the weirdest part of the podcast. Ah, yes.

From the weirdest part of the podcast. You thought it was weird? I think it was a little weird. I think it was kind of weird. The feedback was they loved it, but it was also very retarded. Oh, yeah. Well, no, I think it was dumb. It was dumb how we took it to a dumb place, maybe. But people told me that...

Well, you know, we went in with a lot of tension and drama, and then I wasn't there for most of it, and neither was Stav. You went to the bathroom? No, I left, and then... Yeah, I left also in the beginning. And then apparently that Seth guy came in. Yeah.

We took it to... Seth Dickfield, who's not based on another guy who's been posting a lot of dumb shit on the fucking internet since the shooting this morning. Dude, I'm trying to look at Twitter for like uh some didn't he block you uh he unblocked me for whatever reason this other guy who's not related to this um but uh yeah no i'm trying to look at twitter for like trending topics but i guess like e3 or something is going on now. So all the shooting stuff has been drowned out by news about video games.

So heads up, too. A VR headset that's also sex? I remember when I was in middle school, me and my friends were talking about, imagine how sweet virtual reality is going to be. You can put on a helmet that'll plug into the Nintendo and then another machine will suck your dick you can fuck fake women in virtual reality like it was just we never even considered that you could fuck real women technology is good when we're adults

we'll be able to fuck robots it just never somebody made that what age is that though uh like 11 because the age immediately after that 13 is like when you become the most misogynistic you'll ever be uh i was before you've actually touched any anything that's when you like see another child like at school and you're like go to your boys you're like yeah I would fuck that bitch in the ass. Some girls wearing like a training bra. Yeah, like a child. Like another child at school. She has a Barbie shirt on. Yeah, I would fuck her in the ass.

Because I know. Yeah, I remember when I was in first grade, I had a piece of paper with a marker. I had written, girls, I would fuck. And then it was just a list of girls in my class wait are you serious yeah i'm serious and i like fold it up and hit it somewhere in my room and i remember my parents never found it but i imagine if they did they would just have to be like yeah i guess we just put this back uh i don't know i want to have this conversation so they probably found it first grade yeah fuck you knew like fuck oh i knew the word fuck i mean it wasn't like you didn't know the concept yeah no i didn't i mean i

guess yeah but until like you know how like a child said the first of all like the vagina is like where your dick is of course so you very confusing the first time you you try and touch a vagina it's so much lower than you think it's going to be. You think it's at the dick place. I fucked that up big time. And then also you think you just put the dick in and then that's it. Yeah. You don't understand.

There's like a thrusting element there. My friend was asking me the other day. He's like, you ever like in a relationship with a girl you're close with, like just sleep inside of her yeah there's a name for that dude what is it called what is it called it's called like hot soaking or something yeah you leave your dick in let's say you give somebody a fucking yeast and that sounds terrible yeah also what your dick just like is also this fucking weird friend of yours asking you this question dude is it michael douglas you know the friend of yours is asking you this question. Is it Michael Douglas? You know the friend.

I'm not going to say his name. You haven't made love? Oh, I think I know the friend. You can't. Don't just either say it or don't say it. Don't, like, signal us. It's like Tom Sizemore. It's a close personal friend.

Oh, okay. All right. It was another person. God damn. Yeah, no, that's, like, a terrible idea. Somebody, I forget where it was. I saw it online. There was some comment section where,

or maybe it was like Yahoo Answers or something, where like a woman was like, is it normal for like her boyfriend kept a cup of water next to the bed to dip his dick in after they fucked? What the fuck? To give a bath? To give a penis to him? Just go reach your cock off in the fucking bathroom

It's like a dick cup That's terrible He's like putting his dick in And wash it off He should have He has like a bird bath in his room For him Dipping his dick in

Well it's like a bidet No he should keep He should keep fucking The stuff Barbers use He should keep The blue stuff Just have his dick

In there Well I don't know what you're talking about Barbers have a special yeah uh barbicide barbicide yeah yeah i don't know what that is the combs they put the combs in the blue shit yeah it looks like windex yeah barbicide you know it's funny i was like uh you know how they have the the barbershop poles with the blue and red and they do that because they used to drain blood there. But barbers, before, I think surgery was standardized. You could just go to a barber and be like, Hey, can you cut this tumor out of me?

And be like, I'll give it a shot. Yeah, that's what medicine... Yeah, that's crazy. I feel like we need to end this one with a bang. There's got to be something we can fucking talk about. Where we're not just... Because this is, to be honest, the worst one yet. For sure, I'd say. This's got to be something we can fucking talk about. Okay. Where we're not just rambling. Because this is, to be honest,

the worst one yet. For sure, I'd say. This has got to be the worst one. Yeah, well, we didn't plan. Well, we can't plan. I'm fucking sick. It's not my fault. Yeah.

I don't blame you. We ran out of shitty comedians to talk about. There's really, you know, there's like three of those guys. All right. Actually, you know what?

You remember Tom Flood? I don't. Tom Flood, I don't even know what you remember tom flood i don't tom flood i well i don't even know if you i wouldn't really classify him as a shitty comedian he was like oh fuck mike diesel oh how have we not talked about old mike diesel yeah oh man i'm glad i tell that fucking story though okay so mike diesel is this little fucking he looks like uh he looks like uh you remember that show u.s acres it was the it was part of garfield and friends oh no i don't remember garfield and friends the tv show it was the garfield tv show and then it would cut to the farm scenes where there was like you know the roy the chicken, the Chicken. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And then Orson was the Pig.

Yeah, hell yeah. And Orson had three older brothers that were like bully pigs. So Mike Diesel looks like the bully pig older brother. He's this like stout fucking like, I think his real last name is Kukurini. It's just like stout fucking. Yeah, just real. Mike Diesel has his stage name. And it's great.

If you do a Binging image search for mike diesel the first like three pictures of him the next one's something like guy dead lifting 600 pounds and then the one underneath that is like three dudes sucking each other's dicks so yeah diesel was fucking uh did you not you don't know diesel at all no you met i i barely met but i only i barely came i only came content with once in an open mic yeah well he was great he was like a pathological liar and uh and he but he would tell these stories where they were harmless you know he was like that much of a liar we never had to worry about the stories but he's telling you know his act was fucking he was so happy when the

iraq war started because like you know he'd go on stage and he would start doing his Iraq War bit about George Bush and Saddam Hussein, blah, blah, blah. And then halfway through the bit, at some point he would be like, and you know Ross Perot's over there. Like, hey. And he would do his Ross Perot impression. And it's like, oh, you wrote these jokes ten years ago. You were just cycling these back and forth. Wait, you were doing comedy like at the beginning of the iraq no no no i started in 2005 so you know two years in okay we're two years

yeah but uh yeah so diesel he would tell all these fucking lies and one time he tells this story about he's like oh so i'm at a bar right uh i'm at a bar and uh say anything you want to me you know say whatever you want to me i don't i don't give a shit you know i'm not gonna have a problem with it you know he's like doing that one the thing that guys do where they do the tough guy thing where it's like you say whatever you want to me but if you come after my friends i'll fucking kill you right he's like say whatever you want to me i don't care there's this guy at the bar and he's talking a bunch of shit. You know, he's like a shit talker causing a, you know, a ruckus or whatever.

I'm not thinking about it. But then he steps on my wife's foot. And, you know, that's just a line you don't cross. So I say, you better fucking apologize. And he's refusing to apologize. So I grab him. I get him a headlock and I take him down to the ground. And I get him down to the ground and I have him there and I can feel his life slip out of my hands.

What? He murdered someone? And so people are just listening to Mike tell it because he bullshits all the time. They're like, go on. He's like, yeah. And, you know, the waitstaff, they said, Mike, we saw what happened. We'll take care of this for you.

And so he told a story about how he murdered somebody at a bar and the way stepping on his wife. Yeah. And the bar was like, hey, that's Mike Diesel, famous comedian. Yeah. We're going to fucking let him go. Doesn't he have that other thing about the advice? Oh, yeah. He told another story about. Yeah. He told another story about,

yeah, he told another story about being in a fucking bar one time. It's always at a bar. He's always got these like bar stories that he tells. Was it, this was a headliner he was working with. Yeah. No,

he's working with a young comic, comic named William. Really good comic. Everyone knew this guy was going to be big. And, you know, he says to me, he says, Mike, he says,

Mike, if you just took the impressions out of your act, you would be the greatest comedian I've ever seen. And that was Bill Hicks. And the best part is, he still has impressions in him. You didn't take Bill Hicks' advice. Oh, my God. I had a teacher in high school that was a former LAPD vice cop and a pathological liar. He made up stories.

Like, we would fact check a bunch of them. But one of them, actually, we thought was a lie. Ended up to be almost true. What was it? Basically, he was saying that during his time the lapd he worked security detail for like movies and he's like yeah you know you know i uh i was a big fan of cosby uh you know we smoked cigars together on set you know and uh uh uh i was like whoa you worked on movies he's like yeah i was in a couple uh movies and we're, what was the name of the movies that you were in?

And he's like, Disco something. Disco something or other. And we're like, what? I don't remember the name. And I was like, do you have the movies? Oh, my fucking ex-wife. She has the movie. I used to have it on tape.

And then it was the first time I'd ever used IMDB. I looked it up and there's a movie, there was a blaxploitation movie directed by this guy, fast black. And, uh, it was called disco 9,000. And he was a vice cop.

Number two, Richard Warren. He was, that's, that's weird. Pathological liars. They'll have one or two stories that are real, but then they're,

you, they sound like bullshit. Like the other ones. liars will have one or two stories that are real, but then they sound like bullshit like the other ones. Well, he used to tell us stories that were like – he was like, and then she died in my arms after dropping charges from the scumbag, beating and raping her. I finally came and it was too late and I'll never forget that day april 31st 1968 you know and then we're like the my friend was like yo there's no april 31st that's not a day yeah yeah no mike told it mike i forget who told me this story but mike had said this said i think it was rob mayor he told rob mayor at a party it was like you know he's like hey mike how you been? And Mike goes, pretty good. Went fishing with the Clintons on the weekend. So he said, him and his wife went, me and Patience went fishing with the Clintons. And so I guess, yeah, Bill and Hillary Clinton are good friends with Mike Diesel,

the booker of Wiseacres Comedy Club. The defunct for six years, Wiseakers comedy club so they went fishing and at the party later he sees mike's wife and he's like ah i was hanging out with the clintons all weekend and mike's standing right there and you know his wife looks at rob and she's like what are you talking about and mike just like you know in the simpsons when homer like is talking to flanders and his brain just like disappears or whatever. Yeah. Mike just fucking stonewalls him and pretends like it didn't happen.

Mike, one time he invited me to he goes, he's like, I want you to throw a party every year. It's the only time I do cocaine with my wife at this party. It's called the East Coast Comics Convention. And basically every comedian on the East Coast is going to be there. It's just like, Mike, that's like forty five thousand people. the East Coast Comics Convention and basically every comedian on the East Coast is going to be there. Which is like... Mike, that's like 45,000 people. Is it Burning Man? East Coast Comics Convention.

Yeah, and he goes, sit in my house. He lived out in West Virginia somewhere. I did a show at Fish Head Cantina. Oh, yes. Yeah. It was in like Rivera Beach or some shit. Fish Head was in Arbutus or in Catonsville.

Yeah, that's where it was. It was Arbutus. And so the party was at Mike's house, but after that. And I drove out there. I followed Mike Stork and Cat Malone out to this fucking part of the East Coast Comics Convention. And I know Mike's a liar. So when he says every comedian on the East Coast should be there, I'm like, okay, like a couple of guys I'm friends with. It'll be a party, you know, a hangout and have fun.

And I get there. There is literally no one. That's sad. That is sad. Mike on the couch he's he's got he's in his lazy boy with his fucking legs up and he's got a fucking afghan draped over his legs he's petting a shitty old dog and his wife's like um oh come on in you know and basil white is asleep upstairs and there's a fucking cat eating like a part of like one of those long catered subs on the table

and i you know i mean i had driven from like baltimore basically to west virginia yeah it was like an hour and a half we drove out there and that was the night uh yeah so we're all like getting high and shit and it was me and mike diesel and stork and then i think basil woke up and we're like you know uh you know how stork is real like yeah you know like just go off and he's talking about like neurotransmitters or whatever and talking about like therapy and shit and mike uh mike says at one point he's like yeah you know it took me a long time to find a good therapist and i you know i had a lot of people who tried to be nice to me and it really took someone to just sit me down and say no mike this is what happened to you okay

you were fucking raped and you know immediately i'm like fuck you asshole and he's like reenacting goodwill hunting or whatever he's like fuck you you know because that's why because fuck you is why you know but eventually i just had to accept it. And I mean, I know Mike's lying. He wasn't fucking raped. Wait, you think that's also a lie? He's just casually mentioning being raped?

Yeah, but that's kind of shitty. Wait, wait, wait, wait, rewind. Wait,

he was doing a scene from a movie? Like, he's always like, all of his, because he's a liar, so all of his reactions to things are like shit

he saw in movies. Right. You know, he's like, and then they tried to say my coupon wasn't invalid and i said you can't handle the truth you know it's like always this dramatic interaction with people where he's like you know coming out on top but yeah that was the best part of this oh and i went down to his basement to get like a soda or something and so he's this big fat

fucking piece of shit but he's one of those fat guys. It's like he told Andy Klein one time somebody was talking about working out. And he tells Andy, he's like, yeah, I've been working out a lot. I'm actually down to 0.4% body fat. Like Ray Lewis in his prime had 6% body fat. And he's like, Mike, we can see you. You can't just say that. He was fat. He was fat as shit.

He was fucking bigger than Stavros. He was like twice the size of Stavros. He's like 0.4% body fat. That's like a fucking Auschwitz victim. That's not even a... 0.4% body fat. Yeah, like peak athletes are at 8%. But that's not even a body fat yeah like peak athletes are at 8% but that's not

that's that's a that's not even like believable yeah no I mean that's very bad yeah I'm down a.4% body fat so yeah I go down

to his basement and he's got his little workout area which is like a bench like an adjustable bench and then just two 50 pound dumbbells that's the only thing

just just doing like one fucking swinging curl with his fucking piggly arms. And that's his whole exercise regimen. Uh, well, I'm good. I'm glad. Yeah.

I'm glad I remembered him. We'll save Tom flood for the, I'm glad, you know, it was funny. I was trying to like pick my brain, trying to think of like a, a shitty comic.

I haven't shit on yet. I'd love to, maybe next episode we'll get into really deep into Dave Schoffer. Yeah. Dave's good. He's a fucking, Dave's always been nice to me, but apparently people fucking hate him.

Are you kidding? Oh, that's hilarious. Uh, Uncle Dave comedy. Uncle Dave comedy, dude. Well,

Tom, Tom Flood, why we're out of Tom Flood is because Tom Flood, and it sort of ties into Diesel. Tom Flood was this guy with like, who was severely autistic. He wasn't high-functioning autistic. He could barely communicate with you.

And he pushed carts at the Safeway down Route 7 or something. And he would come to Wiseacres for the open mic. And he would go on stage and do his time, but it wasn't jokes or anything. And everyone would laugh at him. Half of it was people being like we're being supportive or this is avant-garde and it's like no you're laughing at an autistic man this is exploitation that's all it is for sure and like one time he went on stage and he fucking like dragged he spent the first two minutes of his set dragging tables onto

the from like the audience onto the stage and he lines them up and puts four chairs behind them. And he's like, oh, the 1984 NBC4 afternoon news broadcast from September 13th. And he's like, and Mitch Douglas sat here. And he reenacts some afternoon news broadcast from like 1984 that he remembers. And it's not jokes or anything. Hell yeah. And I remember Mike Diesel, like he was like, I'm telling you, if you brought that act on the road, it would kill. He is a genius.

And it's like, no, Mike. If you brought that act on the road jesus christ that is andy kaufman level genius it's like no you're you're just fucking laughing oh god yeah he's so dumb dude twity saw twity met him i ran i said twity at a party and he was like, do you know this Mike Diesel guy? And I was like, oh, yeah, dude, I know Mike. And he's like, yeah, I just work with him. He's like saying he's been a comic for 30 years. And like he's like, I only got four teeth left.

But like you could see all of Mike's teeth. So Mike was literally lying through his teeth. We're going to have to wrap it up. Yeah. All right. That's more than enough time. Thanks for listening to Comptown. We're going to set up donations soon. Because you really should be paying for this.

For the end of this level of work. Give your money to women, fam. Give your money to women. We all identify as women. We're all women when it comes to being paid to fucking say woke shit on the damn internet. Clap back, fam. Clap back.

Fingernail painting. I love the fingernail one. Yeah. All right. Later. See you, bros. I don't know. electric guitar solo Well, what do you think? I think we did the kids a little better. What do you think? Thank you. Yay! You know, we have a saying in our family.

Use sports. Don't let sports use you. Hi, it's Jeff Merrick from 32 Thoughts to Podcast. Are you a sports parent, rep sports rep sports travel sports whatever you call it if you're like me you know that one of the great joys of having your kid or kids play sports is travel you know our families use sports to see different parts of the world meet new people and stay in a number of different places recently we've started using air. The kids love it because it feels like a sleepover at a new friend's house, while my wife and I enjoy more space, a proper bed, and mostly a washing machine. That really comes in handy for baseball trips.

Trust me. In fact, it was on a baseball trip last summer when my wife sent me a text after the first night saying, do you think we could do this? Look, if you've ever stayed at an Airbnb, you've probably wondered the same thing. Could our place be an Airbnb? And now that our kids have also discovered the joys of skiing, in addition to travel hockey and travel baseball, we're on the move even more. Well, our house just sits there. Why not make a little extra money to cover some costs, right? We have friends who travel south every winter and they Airbnb their place.

Why not? Look, if you want to make a little extra cash, and who doesn't need that these days, maybe your home could be the way to make it happen. Find out how at Airbnb.com.