The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 61 – Business Places

Episode Date: July 20, 2017

The boys name a couple of business that they remember going to but cant remember some of them. some of them went out of business. theres other stuff we mention i think. hechts was one of the places. i think there used to be a furniture store that had a n

Well, boys, another episode back in the saddle. Back in the trap. No more pre-recorded episodes. You know what I was thinking about on vacation the other day? How much do you want to suck a man's penis? No, it said how I'm both Gaston and Beast, and Adam, you're that faggot candle and stuff. You're that gas clock. No, I'm definitely Gaston.

I am French. No, I'm Gaston and Beast. I'm both of them. No way, dude. You're the Beast. I was trying to figure out who is who. You're the Beast because you need a woman to save you. No.

I'm Gaston. I'm Gaston because I represent both the yin and yang of masculinity. Yeah, you're the old dad. No, you're the clock. And Stavis the clock, and you're that candle. I'm Gaston when he changed his ways. No, no, no. You guys are fucking way off.

You're way off. You are absolutely that clock. I'm Gaston if Gaston fucks Belle in the movie. No, you're a gastric bypass surgery. No, that's very good. Fine. I am the clock. That was very good.

You got a pun out of it. Adam, admit you're the candle. I'm saying I'm the candle. I'm French. I have a more continental effect of un-things. Loomie air. Yeah. You've been into men's asses.

Loomie air fucked in that, like, you know, cuckolding people who stay at the hostile sort of way. Absolutely. That is the way Adam fucks, too. Yeah. Just a slimy leech. Just surreptitiously little thin-ass mustache. That's not true.

It's through charm. Yeah, dude. Wrong bitch. I'm cute and charming. You're gay and ugly. Another thing I was thinking about the other day is someone was trying to tell me about, someone was pandering to me and saying that they listened to the show and they know they don't.

They just saw some, like, YouTube clip and they were talking about, oh yeah, you know, you were talking about how R2-D2 is gay and I'm like, I don't remember that, but sure. Of course. And then someone corrected them and they said, no, it's how C-3PO is gay. Oh yeah, we've talked about that many times. But I was laughing, imagining, like, what if they redid Star Wars, but C-3PO is the normal or the straight one now. And then R2-D2 is the gay one.

So they're like, we got to destroy the Death Star. And he comes in, he's like. Yeah, right. Yeah, that kind of shit. Whoa, dude, you're like Michael, what's his name? The police academy guy. Yeah, yeah. Michael Winslow.

Winslow. Get the fuck out of my fucking... No relation, by the way, to Michael Jackson, which a lot of people confuse. They think they're related. I thought a lot of people think Winslow from Family Matters. Oh wow, I never considered that. You really didn't? No, I'm kidding.

I was in Coronado in San Diego, and I saw the USS Carl Vinson, which I kept calling the Carl Winslow. And no one laughed at that. Damn, that's how you know you weren't with the fucking... Yeah, you need to be with the boys for that one. Carl Winslow's that's a good one. That's where they keep all the Navy SEALs there. Really? Yeah.

Did you go in and fight them and beat them up? I mean, of course. Well, people kept confusing me for Chris Kyle. He has risen. Truly he has risen. Chris, is that you? Are you sniping right now? He's up in heaven.

Sniping? Sniping Muslims in hell. The furthest distance away from hell you can get is Chris Kyle's heaven. You're shooting them all the way from heaven down to hell where all the Muslims live. Send them to extra hell. Getting records. Double Muslim hell. Hell yeah, dude.

Your boy was out in New Orleans. I was out there getting, you know, living the life, dude. The life of luxury. I had the best fried chicken in my damn life. At that gas station? No, it's better than Hanks. It's better than Hanks. That gas station has such good food.

Oh my god, I got a fucking... I got fried fish, a fucking... And it's cheap. It's fucking two pieces of fish for 50 cents. New Orleans is the best city in the universe. It really is. We should retire there. Yeah.

We should have a fucking... We should do like a residency, dude. The thing is, it's not fucking cheap. You'd think it would be cheaper than it is. There's parts that are cheap as shit, though. I don't know. I remember when I was living in Austin, I was like talking to people who lived in New Orleans. They were telling me what rents were.

And I was like, oh Jesus, that's like... It's like East Coast prices. I don't know what the rents are, but the fucking treatment... It's like comparable to like Philly. The fried chicken was cheap, baby. Well, Philly is pretty cheap. Philly is cheap for an East Coast city. Yeah.

But I mean, Philly is still expensive. Yeah. Compared to Baltimore. It's so much cheaper in New York. Yeah, but even then, I mean, like if you want to live in like Charles Village and like a... Yeah. You know, in like a nicer house or whatever, I mean, it's still going to be expensive. Nah.

Nah, you can figure it out. Yeah. Well, let's put it this way. You're not going to have an entire apartment for $600, which is something you could do in Austin. Oh, what, a one-bedroom? Yeah. Yeah, you could.

Really? In Baltimore, yeah. He has a one-bedroom for like $700 or something. I was paying $250 for my room. Jesus Christ. I mean, I was paying $300 in Baltimore. Yeah, yeah. The shit rules, dude.

But yeah, New Orleans fucking rocks. A whole apartment with a lease for $600 a month? Yeah. I mean, this is nice. I don't know, man. There was... My old roommate, she had a one-bedroom in Highland Park, which is like a shit hole, you know, and she was paying $750.

Dog, his is $800 in Charles Village. Yeah, that's $800. But I mean, his is really nice, you know, like... But yeah, dude, New Orleans fucking rocks. Well, her apartment was actually nice. It was just like... In a shitty spot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a lot of that in Baltimore. There's a lot of beautiful assets. Like, all that shit in, like, by the park, by Druid Hill Park, those beautiful big-ass ornate houses. They're like the brownstones here. It just doesn't get gentrified because none of the people are white. Like, that's why Greek town gets gentrified. That one street by, like, just west of Druid Hill Park, that's those, like, six-story mansion

with the same, like, the beautiful colors, you know? But half of them are, like, fire damage. Yeah, they're fucked up. Yeah. I fucked in one of those ones. I think they're owned by, like, historical systems. Really? Yeah, it was awesome.

Is that where they were dropping the bodies in season four of the wire? No, no, no. Further back than that. That's West B. That is West Baltimore. It's the beginning of West Baltimore. Oh, we're talking about. Yeah.

But yeah, those are some fucking beautiful ass houses. Have you ever seen a movie? It's the Liberty Heights? No. I haven't, no. It's part of the guy who did diner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't seen it.

That's the only one I haven't seen. Yeah. It's good. I don't know when it came out, but it's all I just- Maybe I have, is that the one where it's, like, the Jewish little kid and the black girl? Yeah, yeah. I think it's all shot around, like, Mondom and wall and stuff. Oh, okay.

That's where it takes place. Yeah, Mondom, Mondom has got a facelift. Have you been there recently? No. It's looking good, dude. Got the damn Target, 17 shoe stores. If you want to go shopping for shoes, go to Mondom and baby. It looks like a nice sanitized ass fucking mall.

They got a Marshalls. They should bring Marshalls back. That's the cool thing about- I love malls. About Los Angeles is that there's malls everywhere. Oh, hell yeah, dude. That's where they invented, like, the Valley Girl accent was just dumb bitches. Cruisin' the mall.

Going to buy shoes or whatever. Yes. Seeing Armenian. Yeah. And then going around, like, like, what? I'm a fucking piece of shit. Where's my fucking shit? Is it- Listen to me, you fuck.

And then people are like, we should all talk this way. Yes. Everyone should say- I say it. I say, people are like. Yeah. You know? I throw like everywhere. I can't just say, and then people say- I used to say, and then they go-

I'll say, and then they go every once in a while. I don't know what happened to Go. Go was great. I think Go's still in the mix. Yeah. We got to take the language back from- you know what? I think that's honestly a Gavin McInnes thing. What?

That he doesn't say like. He doesn't like like? Really? He doesn't say the word like. Ugh. Yeah. That sucks. Yeah.

I like to get my dick sucked. Yeah. How about that? That's pretty cool. A use of like. Well, you're using it in the right way. Not as a filler line. Be a nerd about that kind of shit.

I like- Be a zipper hole. That's why. And I suppose to unbutton your pants. There's a hole there for a reason. Has anyone ever done that? In their ass? I've tried doing it.

Anytime I'm wearing a suit, I try doing it. Your fucking boxes constrict your cock. And then I end up like ripping everything. Fuck all the clothes through the hole. Yes. And it's a nightmare. It's brutal. You guillotine the bottom of your cock.

I end up just pulling my pants all the way down on the floor. Yes. Like you want to. People are like, oh my god. Is that man retarded? And they're like, oh no. He's wearing a business suit. He could be the president of the retarded people.

Is there one that they make- There is. Whatever you're going to say. Yes. That 100% exists. The president of the retarded. Is Johnny Knox one of those like blue brown fucking checkered suits he was wearing everywhere? He did it to get into the Special Olympics.

Oh yes. The ringer. A fine piece of cinema. A fine film. I haven't seen that. Have you seen the South Park episode where Carmen pretends to be retarded? Yes. That's like one of the best episodes.

Fucking rocks. And he still loses. Yeah. With that fucking montage they do. Unbelievable. With the Scarface theme. Yes. Push it to the limit.

Push it to the limit. Yeah. Yeah. He's cutting his hair off. Pushing off and practicing being retarded. Do you think we could win the Special Olympics? No. What about powerlifting?

You know what it's fucked up. I think that they should call the regular Olympics the Special Olympics and then the retarded one the Olympics. The retarded one happens every year. The regular Olympics only happens every four years. The people in the regular Olympics are better at all. Very special. It's a more special event.

Dude, the opening ceremonies at the fucking Beijing Olympics, that's special. You know what I mean? What's the opening ceremonies at the Special Olympics? Yeah, China just dominates in the Special Olympics because no one could tell if they have down syndrome or not. They send it all to regular guys. People are like, we don't know how to check. There's no test to check.

It exists. Fuck, dude. Yeah, I missed you guys this week. We were just out there, dude. You're out of the world. Kind of going crazy. It was like the first week that I didn't have a job where I didn't have to do come town stuff.

Dude, no joke. I start itching when it's like three or four days. Yeah. I want to talk calm, dude. Yeah, I know. I want to hang with my boys. I changed my look this week. You did?

Yeah. You look exactly the same. I don't know. You don't notice anything different. Is it glasses? No, I got the same glasses. Did you get a tattoo or something? I didn't get a tattoo.

You didn't change anything. You can't notice it? No. No, you're doing a bit. You're growing out your mustache. No. How much growth is that? What?

Really? This? Yeah. Three days. But wait, you guys literally can't, Nick, you can't see? What are you talking about? You don't see it? No, just do the bit.

It's not a bit, dude. You really did something different. It's pretty dark in here. I can't see. It is pretty dark. My vision's been getting worse. Did you dye your hair? All right, I'm going to stand.

I'm going to turn the lights on and you'll see. Okay. No, don't touch my light switches. Are you joking for real? No. Don't touch any part. Don't touch any part of the electrical. You can't tell right now what's different about my look.

Is this shirt? No, it's not the shirt. What? What the fuck? Just say it. You can't tell? Shut up, man. This is going to be so stupid.

Yeah. It's not stupid. There's going to be no payoff. There's not going to be any payoff. What is it? Just say what it is. Just look. There's nothing different about you, motherfucker.

Did you get a visor on? Oh my God. He fucking pierced his ear. This motherfucker pierced his ear. You can't see. Holy shit. I missed you guys. What the fucking asshole?

He got a little round earring on his shit. It was so hard not to tell you, but I wanted it to be a surprise. I figured it was that. I said, did you get a stupid tattoo or something? No, but I went to my tattoo. Oh my God. I changed my body. You look dumb as shit, dude.

No, I don't. Dude, I look like Harrison Ford. You do. You look stupid as shit. You look like Harrison Ford. You look like the fucking Calista Flockhart. The worst version of Harrison Ford. There we go.

The worst version of Harrison Ford. All right. I'm going to sit back down, but you don't like it. You look stupid, dude. That's a dumb little ass earring, dude. What? I think it's cool. It looks like they came out of a fucking vending machine at the grocery store.

No, it can't. I had my ear pierced when I was in second grade. I got my fucking left ear pierced. I was so badass. What kind of, what was it, a little circle guy? It got infected immediately because I didn't take care of it. I've been taking care of mine. But for a week and a half.

But what was it? It was like a little ruby, I think. Hell yeah. Little fat ass, little fat ass bull cut you. Yeah. No, I think I had a crew cut at the time. Oh, even better. I went hardcore, dude.

Sweatpants. Bum equipment. Yes, my bitch. Denim, Chuck Taylor's. Yes. I was a cool dude. Second grade. Dude, yeah.

So that's basically me at third. You look fucking stupid. I don't look stupid, dude. You know what I was thinking about doing? For real, I was getting a gold tooth. Yeah. Like a cap. My front gold tooth.

Because it's fucked up. I got that $80 root canal. It's just some random dentist who filled it up. And it doesn't look, it looks horrible. So I'm thinking, why not get fronts on my front right tooth? You know, get a gold tooth, start wearing change. I've been thinking about getting changed for a couple weeks now. I'm going to use a razor blade to cut scars into my eyebrows.

There we go. But I'm going to pay someone thousands of dollars to do it. And just do it myself. Do people do that? Yeah, yeah. Like D'Angelo Russell. That's like a cool look. Oh, the little things.

The little slashes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nick Van Exel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Jordan had a hoop earring. Yeah, yeah. Till Michael Jordan came to hoop earring in. Yeah.

You should get the long dangly one like Sinbad. Oh, yeah. When I get to change it out, I'm going to go all different types of styles. They went ring first instead of stud? Uh, no. He asked for the ring. He asked for the ring. Of course he did.

I thought you had to get like a stud and told it. Yeah. Well, that's what the Japanese man at the first place I went to said. And then I went to another place and they're like, we don't give a fuck. So you're going to fuck your ear up? Maybe. Why don't you get your ear pierced? For a girl, for sure.

Because I was going crazy. He was at the beach with a fucking girl. And she was like, you should pierce your ear. And he was like, I'll do it. They giggled. And then they fucking kissed. I did it before we kissed at the beach. But you did it because of a girl.

Yeah, you look like a fucking idiot. I don't admit it, admit that you did. A Mickey Mouse with the sunglasses thrown on the dice? Yes. 100%. Yeah. I'm going to make that happen. It was an impulsive decision, yes.

With a girl. Not with a girl. Lying. You're lying to me. I was not there. Once I can put those 35s back on the preacher curl bar and I get my guns smoking. Oh yes, my bitch. Are you going to get a tattoo?

That's when I'm getting that Mickey Mouse thrown on the dice. I got to inflate my bicep. There's too narrow right now. You're looking good, bro. I do. I'm fucking finished. Your arms look when you flex, though. Yeah, that's pretty big arms.

That's a big arm boy right there, bro. Nice arms. Nice arms, Skip. Do you see Skip's arms? Yeah, I see Mudflap's arms. Dick Mouth, what are you? Sweet. Sweet talk.

Little ass. White ass. Wide hole. That's what you were. Wide hole? Yeah. All right, I'll take it. As long as I'm candy lips.

Candy lips, that was you. Adam, you should get your asshole, Pierce. Yeah. How do you do that? To impress a man. Oh, perfect. You can have sex. No, he has to put it.

He has to sneak it through the middle. Yeah. Well, you can have sex, but then you become permanently attached. Oh, that's kind of romantic. I saw Muslims do it. Really? I don't know. Sure, why not?

You know what I saw in New Orleans? I saw one night to kind of wind down with Spawn. That movie sucks so hard, dude. Oh, yeah, the movie? Yeah. The movie Spawn is so fucking bad. I was laughing. Have you seen the HBO series?

Dude, it's John Leguizamo just so in a fat suit looking horrible. But you know what? That's a good performance by John Leguizamo. The rest of the movie around John Leguizamo fucking sucks, but John Leguizamo is the violator. That's like a good role. I suppose. When I was in third grade.

It's such a shitty movie. I fucking, I love John Leguizamo. The pest was my favorite dude. He was great, John Wick. I thought to myself, you know, who doesn't get enough credit? John Leguizamo. Luigi from the Super Mario game. Dude, the ghetto clown.

Did you guys like the pest in like second grade? I used to think that movie was so funny. This is hilarious. I only saw the previous episode. I hit puberty in first grade. The other kids called me firehose. Yeah. The scene where he's taking a shower and farting used to be like my favorite thing in the entire

world. I never saw it. Oh, God. I loved that. Dude, how bad was the fucking CGI in that movie? It was laughable, dude. Yeah, real bad. Well, the HBO Spawn series, which is just like the comics, like Todd McFarlane had more

involvement in it, I guess. The episodes start off with an introduction by Todd McFarlane, who is just some nerd that draws comics. Oh, wow. But he's got this like, he kind of, you know, he's got like slick back hair. He kind of looks like that. Is it Dean Winters? Is that the guy?

The Ryan from, or the O'Brien Oz, the brothers in Oz. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. That guy. I don't know what his name is. I don't remember. But he kind of looks like him. But they start off and it like, it like zooms in on him while he's sitting in his fucking

like, you know, twisted drawing factory and turns around and he's like, you die and you're about to go to hell. News flash, somebody offers you another chance at life. Do you take it? No time to answer. You got to make a decision one way or the other. That's what happened to a guy named Spawn. I'm Todd McFarlane.

Listen, I'm the creator of Spawn. They just didn't have a better take than that. That's incredible. And it's fucking hilarious. That's the one they use. They do it every time. I remember watching the series and not seeing that intro. I think maybe like the rip I had, just they cut that out because it's like such a low

point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's very funny. Is the series good? I don't really give a shit. I read Spawn as a kid. That was the only comic I ever read and it was too scary for me. There was a TV show on Fox too, right?

I don't know. Maybe. It was spooky. You're thinking of the tick. There might have been a kid's version of Spawn. I don't think it was a kid's version. No, I think it was like in the lineup with the X files. Was there?

Maybe I'm wrong. Well, the HBO version was the one that anyhow, fuck it, it doesn't matter. That was the only comic I read. So I tried rereading it again as an adult a couple of years ago. I just downloaded it and it's really stupid. Yeah, it's like, the plot of the movie made no fucking sense. Satan like needed a soldier for his army or something. Satan is like, he's got an army, he's going to wage war against God or whatever.

Yeah, why isn't the clown just there? So what's, well the clown is a demon. So the clown is like a general or whatever in Satan's army. But I guess they need souls for whatever reason and the demon is not a soul. Doesn't make any sense. So Satan gives Al Simmons the power to like come back to earth as long as he agrees to be a part of his army or whatever. But anytime he uses his powers, he like loses some of them and he gets closer to being sent

back to hell. Oh, that sucks. Like his life sucks. Does he get the fuck? He got cocked. What? He gets back to earth. In the comic books, the first thing that happens is he gets back to earth and he sees that

his wife is fucking his best friend. Oh yeah, that's what happened in the fucking movie too. It happens whenever you die. Yeah, and they have a kid and like she couldn't get pregnant while he was alive and he finds out like as a dead person that his like sperm was fucked up. And so this other guy nutted in his wife and created like a mixed race baby. No, mixed race. That's part of going to hell.

That's why he went to hell. Is his death allowed for the creation of a mixed race? Well, the spawn is part of that like, you know, performative like identity bullshit in the 90s where it's like, yeah, he's a hero and he's black, he's got a problem with it. It's like, no, not really. Not at all. Well, you better not.

Yeah, actually, no, I have no problem at all. I think it's kind of cool. Nobody cares, Tom. Was he a black guy? Todd McFarland? No, he's a white guy. Michael Jai White played him, though, that was and that guy fucking rules. I'm so sad for him because it feels like that movie was such a piece of shit it fucked

his career up. Yeah, probably. Because he's so good. He is great. He's so fucking good at karate and she did black dynamite was so fucking good. You ever see that video of him teaching Kimbo a slice out of punch? Yes. Yeah, yeah, that fucking rules.

And then that's how. All right. Kimbo. What did Michael Jai White? He fucked him up. What was he in? Michael Jai White? He had a little run there for a second.

You know, his middle name is short for vagina. A lot of people don't know that about him. Vagina White. Michael Vagina White. Dude, I'm going to tell him you said that and he's going to fuck you up. No, he's not. First of all, everyone knows that I'll compliment other martial artists, but I mean, I'm being magnanimous.

We all know I'm the fucking bastard karate dude. I don't know, man. Were you ever in karate classes? Jacked fro karate guy. I went to Kung Fu one time. Maybe once or twice. Yeah, that's it. Kung Fu.

Yeah, I went to Taekwondo. I got my little two yellow stripes on the white belt and I was like, fuck this shit. Well, that means nothing. Huh? That's not even a yellow belt. I know. Yeah, your parents just pissed your pants a little bit. No, I did a fucking cool job.

So I did a cool chop, a beginner's level chop, and I got a little yellow stripe. I was white belt and then I killed a sensei Daryl. So they had the black belt. No, they just they had to kick me out like there was no more sensei. So they couldn't do. They couldn't have a school anymore. Yeah, I cracked the I cracked the fucking board. So hard.

Um, no, it was a chair, dude. Yeah, dude, it doesn't matter how it breaks. It doesn't matter how it breaks, dude. You have to break wood to get your elbow and that's why I got kicked out. I was like, technically, I didn't breaking all the chairs. Don't sit on those bricks. We need to put the ceremony. Yeah, dude, that's a taekwondo maneuver.

Honestly, I'm starting my own shit, dude. That is sumo. That's like a sumo guy. That was that was so funny. There was this like Czech guy like eight years ago or whatever who like got into sumo, but he was like in shape. And he just went over and like dominated. Yeah, he was just good at like, you know, throwing them.

Yeah, yeah. And, uh, yeah, we just beat all those fat guys and he like didn't look bad in the diaper. What's his name? I'm going to avenge my fat brothers. I don't know. Find him. We're bullshit. Check name.

So there's a Hawaiian guy that was like beasting, but he was super fat. But that's all of sumo is all like Samoans, Samoans and fat Japanese. Yeah. Um, that was the hack thing as a child was everyone's like, yeah, what are you fucking in sumo, sumo, sumo? Yeah, that's cool. At least you could be a. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone called you a casino and then everyone, everyone, when you said you played soccer, they were like, you know, I was kid. Remember the, the wrestling guy, Yokozuna? Yeah, of course.

So I thought I thought that Yokozuna was a guy and I thought he, the wrestling guy was Yokozuna. Me. Me. I know. I was also in sumo. I thought that as well. Separate from.

That's exactly what they thought. Everyone thought that. Everyone was like, dude, this guy beats everyone in Japan and then he comes in fucking body slams. Remember that famous clip of he's fighting a Bret Hart, Bret the Hitman Hart and the whole audience. He's a Hawaiian guy, Yokozuna and the whole audience, he was the bad guy in the storyline. So they start root.

They start Channing USA USA, but Bret Hart was Canadian. That's hilarious. It's the really heavy and the Japanese guys actually, but he, the Japanese guys are actually American. He's like in that family with the rock and like, I kind of, I just, I want that new guy everyone hates. I want there to be a clip as good as the one of John Cena announcing the death of Osama Bin Laden.

That's the best thing. That is the best. He just, he has no shirt on. Jean shorts. I'm pleased to announce that we have compromised to a permanent end, the terrorist Osama Bin Laden. I've never seen that dude. Oh, it's incredible.

It's the funniest shit. Oh my God. That's beautiful. When I step into this ring, I present hard work and determination and with some bullshit. And that is a credo I've adopted from the men and women of the services of armed combat uniform services. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah.

Well, but it just, we've compromised to a permanent end because technically he's like the most American because he played a Marine in the movie. Yeah. What was that movie called? The Marine. The Marine. Yeah. I saw that in theaters.

You did? Yeah. Yeah. I saw in theaters too. We talked about this. We probably haven't talked about it. I saw a Yokozuna in Vegas when I was a little kid. My friend Max's uncle took us to a pay-per-view event called toward the America and the whole

time. Yeah. We were like, that was pay-per-view. Yeah. Yeah. We're in like third grade and it was like, I think at the MGM grant. I don't remember, but the whole time Max told me that he taped real sex, HBO real sex and we're going to have a sleepover and watch it and we got back to his house and so we're

just like waiting for that. Oh, so you didn't give a fuck at all? We were like waiting for, no, no, it was tight, dude. I saw, I saw Bret Hart. I saw Yokozuna. I saw, they were like a bunch of... I went to an auto show when I was five and I met two of the American gladiators. That's pretty tight.

And I got signed pictures of them. I was never allowed to watch American gladiators. Yeah. I didn't watch it either, but I was like, I met the American gladiators and I was showing them off. I think I already told you, I saw the Hardy Boys and Trish, not Trish Stratus, Terry Reynolds, one of them at a fucking mall, at a mall, eight point mall. I think I already talked about though.

Yeah. But you talked about real sex. I got caught beating off in college to real sex. In class. Yeah. Yeah. I had it on the projector. You were just so fat that you could beat off of that.

I wasn't knowing where your arms were. I really was fat. Dude, I saw a video. I saw a video of myself. I'm going to fucking find it and post that shit. I truly was fat as hell in college. It was college. Yeah.

And like when me and Nick's first met, like you, you also knew me. I remember. Yeah. Yeah. In my head, I just didn't even think, I mean, I got fat as hell, dude, I was round as fuck. Yeah. Yeah. It would like, you probably could have rolled me like any direction.

No, you didn't have knees. Yeah. It was tough. It was hilarious. It was a tough look. I don't know if my fucking college girlfriend stayed with me that long, dude, I was fat as hell. Yeah.

Yeah. She was cute. What a dumb bitch. Yeah. She's a really nice person. No, I mean for staying with you. I know. I'm sure she's a nice person.

No, I don't call her that. What a freaking idiot. What a fucking idiot. What a fucking idiot. What a fucking idiot. I had other stuff to offer. What a stupid idiot. I wish you nothing but the best.

Can you imagine what kind of slut you have to be to fuck up being fat? That's what you're saying, right? Not at all. Is that she's a whore? I didn't say the whore word at all. Oh, I'm sorry. I was saying she's a very good person. I misinterpreted it.

I was just trying to be your boys. Yeah. Does she have rose before that dumb bitch? No, no, no. I have no ill will towards her whatsoever. What was her last name again? I'm not saying it at all. What a cunt.

Let's just say her last name. No way people can't find her. It was cunt Eleni. She was Italian. Does she have a new boyfriend now? Is he in shape or is he a big boy? No, he's actually a big boy. Oh, so she's a fetishist.

I don't think so. I think she's probably a... I think she reluctantly fucks fat, man. She's a chub chaser. Maybe she is. But hey, man, even at my fattest, I was getting it on. I was fucking getting it on. Oh, that's at New Orleans.

Yeah, dude. I got that craw. I got those crawdads up in my system. I'm going to eat your pussy. I'm going to put some crawdads up in that ass. I'm going to put little ass lobsters in your pussy, girl. How about I close my eyes? I'll just talk to the pussy.

Oh, wait. Yeah, man, fuck. First of all, though, fuck crawfish. Crawfish can suck my fucking hard dick. That's what I was telling somebody. They're literally shit. The problem is that they're so red. They look like they're going to be better than they are.

They look delicious. And then they're just kind of whatever. Well, they're so little. You crack that shit open. There's barely any fuck. It's the Adam's dick of meat. It's very little. Adam's dick is made out of vegetables.

Very little and tastes bad. It's tofu ass dick. My man got a little tofu dick. Honestly, I had a vegan sausage a week ago. And it was really good. And I'm glad that it was good. Yeah, I had one, too. It was really good.

It's better than vegetarian shit. Yeah, it is. I don't know what the fuck they do, man. It was made of potatoes and shit. It was tasty. Yeah. Yeah, fuck crawdads. I'm trying to go get crabs, boys.

We got to throw that on the books. Do you get any po-boy action go? Yeah, I did. I had a fucking fat ass shrimp. I fucking love po-boys. Shrimp and catfish po-boy. Oh, you didn't get oyster on there? Nah.

I like it with the oyster. I love a fried oyster, but a po-boy is better with shrimp and catfish, in my opinion. Yeah, catfish sucks always. Catfish is never good, but shrimp's good. It's the bottom feeder. Unbelievable. That's so false. It's a shit eater.

It's literally the worst fucking fish. I agree. You put in a nice little fucking batter. It's nice and flaky. Yeah, but you fry a better fish. No one does. That's not an option. You know what fish fry catfish everywhere?

I was about to say tilapia sucks, too. Tilapia does suck. Tilapia is worse than catfish. Tilapia is like the fish. Tilapia sucks. Tilapia sucks my dick. But it's better than catfish. Tilapia is like that.

I just graduated college, and I'm going to start eating fish and stuff. What the fuck does that even mean? Yeah, it's like that. I'm an adult now. I'm going to eat fish. What the fuck are you talking about? It's a piece of shit. You try and eat healthy.

No, you know what? This is something you did. No. You got into tilapia last year. No. I reluctantly have to agree with Adam here. I know what he's talking about. I'm a salmon man.

All my dumb ass friends from college, when they fuck it up. Yeah, when you try to step it up. Like the second best version of my Kia Furniture. Here you go. Fish is ranked. Yeah. Okay. All right.

When you still have a futon as a couch. Yeah. You know? Salmon number one. Salmon's up top. Better than everything. No, sea bass number one. For me.

Trout after salmon. Chilean sea bass number one. No. Salmon number one. Black cod? Incredible. No, these are like, those are fancy fishes. I'm talking about shit.

The workman's fish. You just get it. You just get it. The grocery salmon. Well, I go for salmon for yourself. Salmon, of course. That's great. Trout's good.

And then probably mahi mahi, then tilapia, then catfish. What about flounder? Flounder's in between the last three I mentioned. I would agree with that. Plus two. I had a real big flounder phase as a child. I was eating like, I demanded a fried flounder like for every day. I needed it for like four months of my life.

Why? I don't know, man. Mom, I demand flounder. I must have flounder. I must have a flounder filet. It was fried. But you know what got me off it? My mom tricked me, but we're not being hospitalized.

Yeah. Childhood diabetes. Rehab. Inpatient rehab. Hypertension at seven years old. Dialysis. Is that what got you off? No, my mom told me the fucking little fish from Little Mermaid was a flounder.

And I fucked with that boy. That was my guy. What do you mean your mom told you? His name was Flounder. His name was Flounder. I don't know. She made it clear to me. You know?

I missed it. What do you want from me? I'm just, I'm telling you, she was tired of me eating flounder, so she like really made me feel bad about eating my friend Flounder who I loved. I don't really fuck with swordfish. Because she was the chubby one. Do you fuck with swordfish? Swordfish is alright.

I don't really fuck with that. Tuna steak should be okay, too. Yeah. Well, yeah. Tuna actually is up there with salmon for me. Tuna steak is, yeah. Tuna steak is real good. Tuna steak is amazing.

It's under salmon, though. Does she eat a grocery store? No. Tuna is- The problem with tuna is tuna. Is it? Yeah, I believe so. Tuna is like a pink fish.

Oh, fuck. You guys ever get white tuna? You ever- You motherfuckers ever fuck with orange ruffy? What's the white tuna? Is it albacore? Albacore. Albacore.

Yeah. You guys ever fuck with orange ruffy? No, it's not. Have you ever had an orange ruffy? Yeah, I've had that. Shit is delicious. Shit is good as hell, dude. You know it's good.

But it's very- Apparently, we're overfishing them. They look ugly as shit, and it takes them like 30 years to fuck. We're overfishing everything. We can just eat Japanese people. There's no- I told Japanese people, eat all the fish, and we just get to- Or you know what?

Koreans first. That's the solution. No, the Japanese, dude. You didn't eat badass, would it be? It would not be. How badass would it be if Kim Jong-un starts, you know, testing more nukes, and instead of nuking him like he expects, we just start fucking eating Korean people? That would-

Okay, I see what you're saying. That would be badass. That's- What if Korean people were the most delicious- A new type of warfare. I'm intensely against that idea. I'm intensely against eating humans and cannibalism in general. I'm not.

However- I guess that's just the African warlord in me. Listen. You just- You have to absorb their power. You have to understand that this is because of my upbringing in the jungle, where the food was scarce, but the enemies were not. That's what everyone remembers about EDM, is that he was eating people.

Yeah, well, a lot of them ate people. He was. Yeah. You think human tastes good? No, yeah. Human tastes fucked up. Maybe. Tough.

Maybe you- Didn't Mugabe eat people? So did Kofi Annan. Kofi Annan. Good luck, Jonathan. Yeah. Kofi Annan did- Yeah.

The guy that's playing the black acorn- How about an African- That's how his voice is like that. An African journalist named Good Night and Good Luck, Jonathan. Very good. Convict. Music. About a fat Nigerian president named Good Humor, Jonathan.

Stav, you can play him. We're going to put you in black belly. Is black belly racist? Of course. No, it's not. I've only heard face. Yeah. The face is the only racist way to do it.

Well, I was always- You know, anytime you watch like a bodybuilding competition- Yeah, that's black body. Yeah. Literally just black body. It's almost like they're like, I'm not punching you or I'm not touching you. You have black face. Quit hitting yourself.

Yeah, yeah. I'm not touching you. That's fucking hilarious. I'm getting as close as I can get to doing black face without actually doing it. Yeah. Why do they do it for definition? To fucking- Yeah, I guess.

It makes your, you know, the shadows- Oil you up. Nicely. Your fucking shit, yeah. Your father has to oil you up before- Yeah, Lou. Lou. Lou.

Louie, you look beautiful. You're the best there ever was, Lou. You look like some Michelangelo with a skull- Michelangelo. Louie, you're the best there was, kid. Let's become bodybuilders. How about- Become.

You can be Lou Ferragno. Lou Ferragno. Are you trying to say fag? Fag- Something like that. Yeah. Lou. Adam's-

Adam's Jew Ferragno. Jew Ferragno. Of course. Very good. I'm cool Ferragno. Nope. I'm- I'm cool for rich-

Hose. Hose. Need for my friends anymore. You're an goo-fuck. So we're getting together, the three of us, and ordering the Mayweather- I'm gonna be in fuckin' Greece, McGregor, fuck. You know how mad I am about that? We have to-

That looks awesome, dude. We have to cheer on McGregor for defending the- Isn't Mayweather just gonna beat him immediately? Yeah. Not immediately. It's gonna be a boring fight probably. It's gonna be a great technical fighter. He's like a tap tap tap tap guy.

He like follows the rules for the rest. He might- He might fuck him up immediately. Well, it's a boxing match. Yeah. I don't know. heart was like, I'm a better driver than one. Yeah, Michael Schumacher. Well, not even a formula one guy. I was going to say, just put him in the ring with

Floyd Mayweather. Oh yeah. If I could beat the wall, I could beat money. I told you he didn't beat the wall. I told you guys I was at Redbox at McDonald's and I met Floyd Mayweather. No in Vegas. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was at a Redbox. He was going into McDonald's because there was a Redbox in the McDonald's by my parents house. Yeah. And there was like a yellow Lamborghini that pulls up and then these two like like pretty fat-butted like Puerto Rican or Dominican girls like come hop out and then this just five foot five man. And it was right after the Ricky Hatton fight. Oh, he fucked had and he fucked Hatton up. And I

guess I was like, yeah, it was after like sophomore year of college. I was home for like spring breaker and winter break. And that was a big fight. Yeah. He's a great person. That's the thing about Floyd. He's a humanitarian. He's a really good guy. Good husband. Good father. Yeah. Great father. Yeah. It sucks because it's like he's such a fucking piece of shit. He's like, he should be in jail. Connor is like, he seems like a piece of shit, but he just seems like a troll. I don't know. It sucks. Connor is cool. Dude, I fucked with Connor. Connor was like a plumber three years ago. No, no, no. Listen, I fuck with Connor. Yeah. But

like, what does he have to do with anything? There was a plumber I've ever met, ever met as a piece of shit. No, he like, he likes like a rags to riches story. Exactly. Yeah, that's cool. He found success in this new sport. And he beats everyone and that's cool. But he did tell him to dance and call them a boy. Yeah. And then he said, that's fucked. But then he's like, actually, the race stuff didn't really hit. So that's the thing. He's like a comic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's what it's all been roast battle. Yeah, yeah. He's like, the funniest was what he was like. He was like, why are you wearing a backpack and a hat? You're wearing a

school bag and a hat. You look like a 15 year old brick dancer. He's like, why are you wearing a school bag? You can't even read. Yeah, he gets so good. Yeah. You should just let Robinson make fun of both of them. But then did you hear what Floyd's be better? Floyd like got really pissed off. That was just like your effect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's it's actually the whole tour with the roast battle around the world has actually turned me off of the whole thing. No, it hasn't. This is the fucking energy and you're speaking about this. It's gross. Yeah, it's you. You brought it up and you're talking about it with a big

ass smile on your face. You don't want to enjoy it. You don't want to admit that you like it, right? Because you want to be cool and I don't think it's a good bit to say to say the F word. Of course. I think that's a bad bit. Connors funny except for the racist shit. They should get like Lewis J or Lisa Lampinelli to write for them, you know? Connors are better roast battle than most roast battles. He's not bad. He's so much better. Natural talent. Yeah, if you just look at like him at every every press conference ever done, he's always funnier than everyone else. And he for the most he's beaten everyone and he's

only had like a tough fight with the DS. Well, you saw that video that he released of him like in training and he looks like shit. Yeah, he's gonna lose. He's just getting a case just cashing in. Yeah, I would get my shit split for 100 mil. Who cares? Is that how much he's making? He's making a ton. I don't know what it is. I think Flo is probably making more. Of course. I mean the best. I mean just revisiting it. The best is when 50 cent was going out. Would you suck a guy's dick for 100 million dollars? 100 percent. 100 million dollars? Yeah, you're just gonna have to give him a little time to come up with the money. Nice. Do you misinterpreted the

question? I was saying, would you pay 100 million dollars to suck a guy's dick? Yeah, that's what I say. You stole Tazbit. That's a steal. That's a joke. That's not a steal. You stole it. That's a thief. I'm sticking up for you. We kind of were on the same page. I'm clarifying. No, I would not pay 100 million dollars. Well, you already said yes. Yeah, we're on record. I would pay 100 million dollars. You got me. What is it? You know what I was thinking about the other day, boys? You remember when FedEx was federal expressed? Yeah, I don't. Oh, okay. How do they get to name themselves that? They're not federal at all. They're private. They're private expressed. I think that's why they had to change their name. Oh, that makes sense. That makes sense. Like my old company, American Government Mortgage.

You remember the company I tell a market in Forest? People's Drugs? Folks, remember People's Drugs? It became CVS. Really? Oh, it didn't? Yep. I don't remember that. Oh, yeah. Crown books. What were they? What are they now? Borders. You remember Borders? I do remember Borders. It went out of business. We had long drugs, but they were bought by CVS. Yeah. Dwayne Reed is now Walgreens or what? You know, a lot of stuff going on, guys. A lot of companies used to be other companies. That is crazy. What about a fuck? There was a company. There was a place I used to shop at East Point, but I don't remember where it was called. She's city? My city? Hell yeah. There's a place I used to shop at. I don't remember where it was called. What about Hex? How about Hex? Remember Hex? Hex is a big one. But that's not the

one I'm thinking of. Hex was good. Yeah. You got JC Penney. They're still in business. Still kicking, baby. Macy's? That's a story. The original. The fucking original. I love to go down to the flagship. Macaroni Grill. You ever hear of such a place? Yeah. Who's grilling macaroni? Who's grilling macaroni? Well, it's just they let you know they got options. They let you draw on the table there. That's the fun part of macaroni. I brought my own Sharpie last time I went, so they don't stop you. I went to a fucking fancy restaurant. Not fancy, but this fucking great restaurant. Shia? You need to come back. Restaurants where they have to have like anamorphic displays. Are you thinking of like a jungle rainforest cafe, Bugaboo Creek sort of thing? I asked my parents to go there for my birthday one

year. Rainforest Cafe. I remember going there. Rainforest Cafe had a gorilla that would pound its chest at you. Nice. It had like rainforest noises playing in the background. Yeah. As you ate. Dude, I can't imagine the food was any good. No, it sucked. I remember, I remember I wanted to go my whole childhood. And then when I was like 16, we went for like family or friends. No, no, it was in Towson Mall, I think. And or some mall. And when I was 16, we went for like a family, friends, like birthday. And I got all your childhood aspirations. They're like, eat a piece of fish every day. Some stupid restaurant. Simple boy, dude. You know, I wanted to go. You fucking bad. I got there. It sucked. I thought you were like swinging from the vines and shit with gorillas. I thought I was

so fucking dumb. I thought it was like a full immersive. You eat in like a little tree hut. And it was just a regular restaurant, dude. Yeah, he's a big disappointment. It's like that Simpsons were Germans take over the power plant. They say, well, Mr. Simpson, after all, we are from the land of chocolate. Yeah, yeah, you said like, montage was going around. Oh, I'm sorry, you were saying something about chocolate. Fuck. Yeah, I used to think you play. That's me. I don't take that as an insult at all. I think it is a compliment. Did you ever go to play games? Bullshit candy. I wanted to candy. You just roll the dice and then move. Yeah, it sucks. How the fuck is that a successful. Imagine being the guy that came up with that shit. Well, you could play it at

like two. Yeah, that's the reason why it's, you know, successful. But that guy, that guy's a genius. Yeah, he is. He's everybody. Imagine the monopoly guy who came up with monopoly is like so many rules. You know, fucking poor. He's gone through two marriages. Yep. His wife is like, Richard, you have to stop making this game. No one will ever play at hotels, houses, utilities. This sounds awful. Who will ever finish this game? Then no one knows the answer. Actually, I didn't know how to play guys like, oh, yeah, you just roll the dice and then you move. And there's some little dick ass fucking fat jolly jelly bean guys queer. Yeah, lgb, licorice, licorice, gummies. Yeah. Fuck, licorice, gummies, gummy bears, gummy bears, gb, licorice, gummy bear, trannies.

But it's a type of candy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, we're not Nick wouldn't say a slur. It's a it's a new get it's a kind of new get. Yeah. How about that game Sorry, you say a slur and then you apologize. I never understood how to play Sorry. I think you just fuck your friends over and that's why the Sorry, like you just was sorry the one with like the little thing you pop. Yeah, pop thing. Yeah, yeah, I never played. Yatsy's funny. Yatsy's like 17 dice, right? Yeah. Yatsy's yacht notes. It's like poker, but you play with dice. Yeah, that's right. Nice. You assemble hands and then you score the hands. Okay. That's cool. Yeah, we weren't a big board game family. No one understood what the fuck was happening recently. We have nobly, but we never finished it.

Nobly takes the Greek word. I bet your family was proud of that game. Monopoly one one town Mono one poly city or town. So I thought it meant many. No. Mono one. What's a what's a poly poly poly poly poly poly. Yeah. Let's start poly poly. And it's a game where you fuck everyone because you're poly. It's a town of other people to fuck. Do you know that poly amorous poly amorous is that that means many that doesn't mean you fuck towns. Yeah, but you know your own language. No, I know. I was a joke I was making. I said many towns. He doesn't speak poly. I do speak. What are you talking about? Everyone knows you don't speak Greek. I can speak Greek. I speak the Greek. His food gets caught in your mouth and you start speaking. I'll say whatever you

fucking piece you want. You pretend it's another language. You speak like a street Greek. No, I don't bitch. First of all, you don't know any languages. Neither you dumb motherfuckers do. I do. Chinese. You sound Chinese very well. I'll give you that. But you don't know. What was your doubt? When? What did you just say? I know Chinese. How about that bitch? I know Greek. Next. Anything else? Oh, Adam in a pustis. Adam is a slur for a homosexual man. At Adam, Gigi. No, wait. Adam Gigi. What is small? I'm going to fuck Adam's grandfather. Wo y'all hoes. Zai butong area codes. How about this? If a Greek listener is listening, just send us a message. Tell us how you think stuff's doing. Bitch, I was just falling.

What do you just, I just said I'd fuck your grandfather. I have a feeling that you just made that up, dude. I know Farsi, too. You know Farsi? Yeah. I ate your mom's pussy. I will eat your mom's pussy. Okay. Pussy stretcher in Farsi. My parents used to speak pimp. No, he used to speak opera cost. Cuscash and gandegus. Gandegus is like the smell of a fart. Nice. Did you have Persian friends growing up? Yeah. Yeah. Iranian friends. So I was like, just teach me the important ones. Do they have black BMW? No, I don't think so. A lot of Persian people. That ain't a deep grand Cherokee. And I worked with two Persian guys and neither of them had BMWs. Oh, okay. Maybe it's LA Persian thing. Probably. What's it with the rugs?

Is that the last thing you're allowed to call Oriental? No, you can call Chinese people. Oriental. They're from the Orient. Yeah, it's not talking about Asian people. I agree. Did you hear that? Apparently you're not. You're not supposed to call them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fucking Oriental anymore. Mike Francisca thing. Yeah. Oh, that rocks. He's like, yeah, nobody knows that. I'm just repeating what I saw on the road. MSNBC called him chinks. And so I said it, too. I'm watching a report on MSNBC. Rachel Maddow said that there's a Supreme Court case. Rachel Maddow said she's got a chink email. There's a chink band, right, called the slants. And that's why listen, this is what I heard. It's a chink band. Apparently a slant is a slur

towards the chinks, which you're allowed to say because I saw Lester Holt said it to me personally. I'm receiving word. I was calling. I was like, so what are you? What are you? What are you? Like a, like a, like mixed to something? Are you an Oriental? And he goes, you can't call me that. You have to call me chink. I'm pretty sure that's what he said. Anyway, so I'm receiving word that you cannot call them celestials on a radio program by my producers in my ear right now. Celestials. Look, I learned how to speak on the Jersey Turnpike. That's why I was born and raised in the exit next to Elizabeth, New Jersey, in a place where truckers commit hate crimes against each other's genitals. God, I love sports radio, dude. Is Chris Christie going to be a sports radio

host? Is he? That's what they are. You know, the biggest piece of shit thing about him is that he's a Cowboys fan. He's a dude from New Jersey. That's a Cowboys fan. The governor of fucking Jersey. Because of Roy Rogers, dude. They have two football teams. He's really into those curly fries. And they've let him down a dark path. It's because of fucking, isn't Troy Aikman, dude, isn't he the Wingstop guy now? Is he? Is he? I'm pretty sure, yeah. Rick Ross owns a bunch of Wingstop. Troy Aikman's like that. Yeah, he's the Wingstop spokesperson. I didn't know that. Yeah, it's great because he does the commercials and I remember there's one of them. He's like, hi, I'm Troy Aikman. You might remember me as the Wingstop spokesperson. He's like so concussed.

I think he had something like 20 concussions. Yeah, he got his shit. He had to retire because of concussions, dude. Yeah. Yeah, it's amazing. He can speak. He's a good guy. He's amazing that he could be gay with Joe Butler guy. Yeah. Yeah. Like he should with that many, that many concussions. Skip called the gay. Skip called the gay. This is his book. Yeah. Skip's a piece of shit, man. We got to order this pizza soon, boys. We do. No pizza for me. I got to be a paleo warrior after this. I could do that. Yeah. I got John Wick 2, which I will review on the next episode. I don't like that scene, the industrial rock scene. Like, did you see John Wick 2 already? I did. Yeah. Oh, I haven't seen it. I saw it recently. Well then, not as good as John Wick 2,

but pretty cool. Fuck, we'll watch one of the other movies I've purchased. What else we got? I don't know. The Revenant. Ooh. Not a very good movie, but it looks good. Nice and short. Yeah. Revenant. I still have to see the second half of Revenant. So fucking long. You know what pissed me off about Revenant? Yeah, go off. He had boogers in his beard the whole time. It's just wipe your face. I know you're in the, in the book. Just wipe your face. Just wipe your face. He got these in pain. He's got fucking, he doesn't even feel the boogers. He got probably frozen. He doesn't feel it. He's fucking entrails are hanging out. The boogers bugged me. The fucking bear cock got his ass. I could pay attention to that whole

movie because he had boogers on his face. That's the stupidest fucking. Wipe your face, Leah. That's the stupidest fucking. I also got the shallows and life. Those came free with the life. The one with Martin Lawrence and Eddie Murphy. I love everything. I love all the Eddie Murphy movies. I'm going bow finger. Disney fuck like the way it is a hilarious movie. Huh? I like both finger. So funny. The scene where he's running across the fucking really good. So, so good. I think it's a really good movie. And then Heather Gray isn't Heather Graham in it. So fun. And she like, she's a 10. Guys, you got to do more jokes on the show. Okay. We can't, the bit can't always be that we're

just set of movies. Good. I, I, you know, okay. It's funny when we do it with stores and we name store. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. All right. That was funny for a second. We get three of those in episode. I think we don't like six. Continue to dictate the conversation. I agree. Oh, you know what happened to me in New Orleans? I went to like a, I went to like a lube jockstrap wrestling thing like with the drag queens hosted and shit. And, uh, you know, it's supposed to be like a fun time jockstrap wrestling. What the fuck is that? There's people, there's fucking people right there in the name, Adam. What do you mean? What is that? It was fun. Is it hot chicks? There was chicks and dudes. Oh yeah. It was a nice mix. Um, uh, it, what, I didn't think it was going to be a gay event

for some reason. And it clearly is though. Yeah. Well, pretty much all events are gay. That's true. Anything that's been planned ahead of time is a gay thing. Yeah. I'll tell you what real men do. Yes. Just go, you know, talk about stores. They go somewhere. We should have fucking say a thing to each other. A couple of racial slurs over here. Uh, people, Oriental. That's right, my friend, because you don't know any better. Oh, that was, we forgot about that heat. We threw a lot of, a lot of oriental around. We just quoting my friend as Rachel Maddow. Yeah. Who's quoting? Yeah. He claimed, who claimed that he was quoting MSNBC. I heard it in the report on episode BC. But, uh, so this guy, this, this, this dude in front of me, this like little guy in front of

me, it was like a beard and shit kept, uh, kept trying to grab my cock. He kept being, he kept being like, he kept trying to jerk me off over my pants. And he was like, come to my house. And I was like, uh, no, thanks, man. I'm all set. You know, which felt nice, you know, to be sexually do not me. I would have fucking flipped out and beating him to death right there in the middle, middle of that place. I would have blacked out, gone into a very defensive, insecure rage and just beating that man into a bloody mess from locking your secret desires at the top of my lungs. Just a completely normal reaction to such a situation. Anyway, so he, he, uh, eventually stopped. He wasn't too happy, but then, uh, he was being kind of addicted to me,

but then he just saw a different fat guy and he started jerking him off in the bar in the thing just in the middle of the bar, dude, like right in front of me. I just looked at some fat guy, get the hand job that was supposed to be for me. And then he just went to like, it was supposed to be for me. That's rude. Like when somebody fucking plays a slot machine after and then they just like disappeared into like a room, I guess and fucked, but there weren't that many rooms. There was like a courtyard out back. So I don't know. He probably got a stick. New Orleans rules. It was awesome. What a great city. I love that place. I was getting my plane this morning and you know how like everybody pulls their phone out and it's

just like they first step service again. So yeah, they pull out and you do that thing where you look at everyone else's phone and get into their lives and, you know, pretend you're somebody else. Of course. And there's this fucking old man sitting in front of me, like this old ass dude, and he pulls his phone out and the first thing he checks is the Dilbert newsletter. He goes right to the Dilbert newsletter and checks the new Dilbert that fuck. Well, it's not like Scott Adams doing like Paul. I was like, here's the new Dilbert news. My man. Dilbert for today. Hell, you missed while you're in the air, dude. I love the way old guys use their phone or old people like what they prior to my fucking Godfather, right when

that's a whole screen is like zoom nine thousand percent. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Dude, I went to my fucking Godfather, Greece. He still had a flip phone. I went two years ago. He had four pictures on his phone. Two were fish he caught. One were like his bees. He's a beekeeper and the third was a grainy ass zoomed in illegally taken photo of two women with their tits on the beach. And he was just like my grandpa's computer is the funniest shit in the world. It's like, first of all, the start button is like half the screen. And then the rest of it is all these overlapping icons because he doesn't know how to use his desk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then he uses Walmart connect to dial up internet. What the fuck? That still exists. Yeah. Yeah. He has

Walmart. Before that, he had Arles video internet. Oh, I remember Arles. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That he still had until like 2011. They went out of business like 1997. And somehow still had Arles. What was that shit? It was like for farms. It was like satellite internet or some shit. Yeah. Yeah. They still have those. There's like all these weird. I used to work in a call center and like the better you got at your job, they would just add you to other companies. But like they didn't tell you they were going to add you to those companies. So you would just get a call and the screen would say like VSOL like internet services. Be like, thanks for calling VSOL internet services technical support out may I help you? They're like, yeah, I'm out here and Katie and I

have the satellite adjusted according to what it says in the manual. But I'm not getting any downstream on the coaxial connection. You're like, I don't fucking know what you're talking about, dude. Sorry. Yeah. You know, click. Of course, you just say click and then people think you hung up click because you have no ability to actually hang up on them. Really? No, that's not true. Yeah. Dude, that job sucks so much. There was this fucking guy that me and Norman knew that worked there that I wasn't really friends with him or anything, but he started working from home. And then eventually he got fired from the job. And I was like, how did you get fired? And he was like, Oh, well, I would log in in the morning and then just like leave. And he did that for like

six months. Hell, his phone would just ring and he just would never pick it up. Oh, that's awesome. It took them to say they just collected a paycheck. Good for him. Yeah, getting like $700 or two weeks to just do nothing. I mean, I sort of did that at the fucking law firm I worked for, but nothing to that extreme degree. Yeah, just literally closing on people's homes. I was not. I was actually kind of like Robin Hood. I was a stumbling block in the process. No, I just didn't help the rich by being a horrible employee. That's what I did. That's cool. I didn't do it. It was all of your pants look like tights. Because I made fucking business pants look like fucking a leotard.

Dude, that was the fucking lowest point of my life. Why are you wearing yoga pants? Like that's a dress. These are dockers. He's under a blanket. He's inside of a vehicle. Yeah, I just tied two snuggies together. That was the only thing I could fit into at that point in my life. Why are you wearing such tight clothes? He's literally inside of a bus. He's riding around in a bus. My stomach coming out of the fucking window. Yeah, it looks like somebody dropped the grand's roll. Oh, fuck. You were never fat in your life, huh? Middle school. That was chubby, but like, like a bit like a belly chub. Get out of here.

Have you ever felt your stomach on your legs while you shit? No. That's a fact. That's a fact I feel. I come from a skinny family. Like my dad just got a belly at like 65. Yeah, I did too. All my family, I just like had to go to this wedding. Every one of my family is like. In great shape. They're all tall as shit. I always love going to the beach. You don't got to be tall to go to the beach, baby. I love that's right, dude. We got to start going. I am tall, though. I went to the beach a bunch while you guys were out. No, I mean, they're like, you know, actually a lot of them are like kind of fat now, but that's because none of them have ever, I don't think they do and none of them exercise. Right, right, right.

They're always just in shape. Right, right, right. There's people that are like, they get to just be in shape until they're like 37. Right. Get a bit of a punch and they don't know what to do about it. Yeah. Those people, there was this fucking asshole, this old Greek guy who was like, would brag about, he's like, still wearing the same jeans from high school, 32. And there was just an enormous just circular pot belly right above his waist. That's like, you're going to die, dude. That's worse than being like just a little fatter. Like alcoholic gut. Yeah. They're like, yeah, I'm still smell. Yeah. It's like, no, you've been drinking fucking Johnny Walker and all of your calories from plastic bottle, dark liquor for the last 30 years and just hamburger

meat. You go out to Brighton Beach. There's those Russian guys that have that those exact proportions that just go out every day and tan. And they're like, at this point, like they look like grimace. They're all purple. They're so fucking tan. I was there with my friend a couple of weeks ago and he just kept saying, they're the worst kind of white. They're the worst kind of white. What, tan? No, no, the Russians. I'll tell you that right there. That is the worst kind of white. When you're far, you're not white enough. You gotta be lighter than that. The way I like it. Man, I'm trying to get hilarious, dude. We got to go down to Brighton Beach. It's like a different country to what disrespect Russian people. That's a great idea.

Dude, go. I can't wait until you get fucking marked to just giggling like a fucking little I was not giggling. It started with Eastern promises, dude. He just cuts out of you. Well, no, we should add the at the Schvitz in the East Village. There's like mad Eastern promise tattoo dudes down there and they're fucking like, dude, jacked and scared. We got it. We got to get those to be. Well, we already talked about it in the other one, but we got to get those prison bitch tattoos for you. The Russian prison bitch tattoo. Yeah. I mean, a nautical star. You already have. You already have. No, you don't get the nautical stars. You get the cat eyes on your lower back. Yeah. What's cat eyes again? I mean, well, they, they, what they do,

I guess I see everything. You didn't tell me. I didn't explain it on the last one. They put, they put eyes over the guy's lower back. So when he gets fucked in the ass in jail, it looks like a woman's face. So it looks like they're face fucking a woman. Yeah. A woman with a with a 22 inch wide face. That's very big cheeks on that woman. That's that's Adam's role. I don't think it's funny. They stole our election guys. That's so true, man. Yeah, it's so true. There's anyway, but they keep finding more and more Russians. Did you see this? Did you see Donald Trump had a secret meeting with Vladimir Putin at G 20? Yeah. There's no record of this meeting. I, I, I could only imagine what they talked about in that meeting. Probably an illegal

conspiracy, probably gay sex. Yeah. They had gay sex with each other. You know, I heard Donald Trump was during the Benghazi attacks, having gay sex, gay sex. That's my new EP. Democratic conspiracy. The Democratic party has just absolutely lost it recently with this Russia shit, whatever. We don't, I mean, you did too. You kind of lost it. When you were freaking out about it and being a little girl. You did text the threat a bunch. No, I, it was, it was about the phishing emails, but apparently we, I don't know. We don't know anything about that. There's no evidence at this point. No, there's what there's no evidence of is that anything happened because of it. Oh yeah. Well, if anything happened, the most likely thing is that some business

shit with Jared or, yeah, but I mean, they're probably making, yeah, there's fucking someone somehow to make a lot, but it's not about pee pee and like all this stuff that these fucking Democrats think maybe got pissed on, man. I mean, if you got pissed on, I would respect him. Yeah. I wouldn't kink shame him. I would not kink shame him, you know, for show. I would. Yeah. I would be upset that I voted for him. If I found out, if I found out that he stayed in hotels in Russia and did weird sex stuff, like make prostitutes pee on a bed to disrespect Obama. Is that the reasoning? He had them call him Obama while they pee. I love that there was shit in there that was like, he then he took a dump and he pulled, pointed at one of the turds

and he was like, look, that's Obama because it's brown. That one's the, that was in the dossier. Yeah. There was people are taking it seriously. It was like really written by foreshad. Didn't a bunch of Russian guys get got those fortune though. Didn't like a bunch of ambassadors get God or some shit like lied and took credit for it. And I'm sure they did, but I'm going to propagate that lie because it's funny to me. It is funny. If foreshad got away with that, didn't the guy that released it? That's really funny. I thought they kill. They were killing a lot of Russian diplomats for a sec. Yeah. But a lot of the times when they kill someone, it's not like exactly Putin. It's like someone trying to impress him and then he'll take credit

for it. Like, oh yes, this was my plan the whole time. A lot of people getting God is fucked up. Yeah. Like journalists and political opponents. No. And like, and people in their government, but he, their country is a lot more like fucked up than the Democrats or people like give them credit for. Like if there's like a lot of these like killings that are like done by people trying to like get into his inner circle, but not necessarily him. I mean, he did bomb apartment complexes. He killed like mad Russian citizen. He did. Yeah. Well, I mean, blame it on the chest. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that that bombing is like, it's still conspiracy. I mean, there's like a lot of fucking evidence that makes it seem like that's what the case is. So he doesn't allow

a little 9-elevens. He doesn't allow little 9-elevens. With the apartment bombing, it's like, there was one building that did blow up and there's another one where the bomb didn't blow up. Yeah. The bomb was made out of RDX and there was like FSB radio chatter at the time and like people saw two like agents leaving and like RDX like only the military has access. Oh shit. So, but that like justified the second session in war, but it's not, it's not like proven that he, you know, I mean, I personally think Putin is innocent of all of these. He seems like a damn supervillain that Russia has snatched up Georgia. Russia is the only democratic country. Putin is likely the richest guy in the world because we don't know how much money he has. Really? Yeah. It's a clip

talk. According to the frontline documentary that me and Adam both watched. Yeah. Yeah. That's literally what was going on here. Yeah. Yeah. I think we watched it together actually. No, I would never watch something with you. We watched the fall of the time. No, I would never. I would never in my life. You asked him on the podcast to watch John Wick 20 minutes ago. No, I said, did you see John when you said something along those lines? You said, do you want to watch John Wick? No, I don't believe I indicated any desire to do any such thing. My plan was to wear my Panama hat by myself in the dark. Yeah, you are looking fresh, dude. Dude, hell yeah. No, I got that suit for that wedding. And I'm glad, you know, because I almost spent the $800 on that

Hugo boss suit. And then I just paid $80 a target. And now that suit is destroyed because I smoked three cigars before bed and then fell asleep. Oh, yeah, you're a cigar guy now, dude. No, only on vacation. No, you're a cigar guy. I mean, I wish you got the taste. Yeah. They call me, they call me Chucky Monte Cristo. Yeah, would you smoke Sammy Kohiba? Oh, Kohiba, little Romeo Yulieta. Yeah. Is that any pronouncer? Romeo Yulieta. I think it's Julieta. Romeo Yulieta. That's good. Thanks, man. Yeah, I speak Spanish too. Garcia y Vegas. Those are nice. You ever have one of those? You ever have an Al Capone cognac? You ever have a duchy master? That's my favorite shit, the Al Capone cigars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What kind of fucking dipshit

bus station goon you have to be? What kind of blunts did you guys roll? Let me get the Al Capone cigars. You rolled owls? What about your Al Grape duchies? Everybody always bought duchies, but I never learned how to roll a blunt. We used to roll swishers. I think I was like a West Coast man. Yeah, swishers, sweets sometimes too. Yeah. Yeah, I was never a blunt guy. I didn't even know how to roll a joint until I was like 20. I'd like teach myself a shitty weed. I still can't. What I used to do- I rolled a pretty good joint. Because I started rolling cigarettes. I got good at rolling cigarettes and then- I can't roll shit, dude. I got really fucking good at rolling cigarettes. I could do that while driving. Yeah. Well, I can do it while fucking your mom.

Nice, bro. You do that? Yeah. I can do it actually. I changed my mind. Remember when I said I couldn't? I actually can while fucking both your moms in driving a motorcycle. Nick's mom too? Yes. What's her name? Colette. Yeah, I don't say Colette's name on the podcast. My fucking- my black mom, Colette. Colette, Mo, indeed. Colette Johnson, my middle-aged black mom. Nick, don't you be bringing none of that nonsense in here? I thought your mom's name was Miss Yvette. Yeah. The original Miss Damn She Thicke. Nick. What's your- what's your talking about on that radio show? Did your family- did you tell your family at this wedding about Comtown? Did that come up?

Uh, no. I got in trouble for some shit, I said. Oh, you should talk about your family more then. Yeah. Well, I mean, my response was like, I think I literally just said to my mom, uh, unless you could tell me specifically what I said, don't bother me with this bullshit. Gaslighting your own mother. Yeah, I'm a piece of shit. She was like, you said something about this or that or whatever and like, you shouldn't fucking say things about your family and public or whatever. And I was like, tell me what I said then. Why don't you tell me exactly what I said? Because if you can't do that, then shut the fuck up. Uh, fuck, that's one step above. Why were you looking at my phone? Yeah, I'm a good son and I'm definitely, my family loves to

put up with me and tolerate when you're around. They really do have to like, it is funny, I can see that they have to like, just sort of tolerate the mood changes. Do they know the name, Comtown? Uh, yeah, of course. Yeah, my family, what about your, your- No idea, my mom has no idea. ESL ass family. Oh, has no idea. They just think you have radio show? Did I tell you guys, when I went home, I went to, I fucking, uh, I was giving my dad a little back rub, you know? I could tell, I could tell my dad, you know, he's had a rough day and he was like, yeah, I need to go. It was me and my mom and he's like, oh, that's a good massage. You know what kind of massage I really need? That Chinese massage where they do the good, good massage.

Wow. A man after my own heart. And then, and then my dad was like, if you ever gotten that good Chinese massage to me and I was like, no. And my mom was like, yeah, right. My mom was convinced I go get beaten off by fucking sex slaves, which I don't, only you do, Adam. But yeah, my mom, my own mother wouldn't believe I don't participate in the sex economy. That breaks my heart. You think your mom thinks you fuck prostitutes? No. See, the irony. I don't fuck prostitutes actively. Yeah, well, I'm very upfront and brave about my experiences with sex. Adam, you know, you are, you just, we are the sum of our actions, my friend. You can say whatever you want, but your actions speak louder. Show don't tell. Some of my actions is humanitarian. Show don't tell.

Good friend and overall sweetie pie. Absolutely not. Yeah, that's why I want to like, one of these days save a baby from choking or something. Yeah. And that way I can do whatever the fuck I want because nobody can say shit. Yeah, you've earned it. Yeah. You've earned a couple of hate crimes. What's the most heroic thing you've guys done? I beat up a bullion when I was a little kid. Was he bullying you or was he bullying someone else? It's bullying someone else. Oh, that's good. Hopped on his back, choked his ass. Are you just sad on him? He was fat as shit. He was the only kid in the school fatter than me, actually. Well done, dude. Game recognized game. But yeah, so the minor fat, the smaller fat guy, you know, I did it for honor. I did it for honor. That's

cool. Honor and glory. Nick, have you ever done anything courageous or honorable? I mean everything. I'm just a naturally brave individual. So you write a lot of rollercoasters. Dude, I live by a code and that code is fucking never take shit from nobody. That's a good code. Especially, you know, people smaller than me. Especially women. Invalids. People with handicap people. You know, I don't think I've ever actually done anything courageous. What do you mean by courageous? Like something, I mean, like, I'll fucking, you know, I'd say I'm pretty charitable and generous, but I'm not like, you know, I wouldn't fucking pretty generous with my cock. Yeah. I wouldn't like pull somebody out of a, well, I guess I've never been in that situation. So who knows.

Yeah. I wonder if I have. I'm not sure. Have you done anything? I think one time I was at Disneyland and my sister was like, six or something. I was like 10. And my uncle was like swinging her around by her ankles. And then she slipped. And I think I grabbed her. I think she would have hit her head on the concrete that's been retarded. No, that's just reflexes. What do you mean you don't get reflexes? I think I say, what are you going to do? Let your sister fucking hit the floor. That's a funny story. Your brain concocted to make up for what actually happened with your uncle in the dressing room. We were in the line for the tea cups, dude. We were in the line for tea cups, I remember. And then I saved her. And that's what happened. You're going to

fucking like get a whiff of like Aquanet or something one day. And then you're going to have a flashback. So my sister wasn't even there. What do you think she was there? You're going to have to fucking leave your Chinese jerk off then. Just immediately call all nine of your therapists that you're given for each candle on your precious candelabra, the candelabra, the Jewish candelabra therapist analyst, please use the proper Jewish term that is an analyst. What's the story? Hanukkah is some lamp burned for eight days. Some shit like that. Is that no, no, no, no, it was like, no, it was the Greek. There should be a myth bus episode about that. Staves came in. I'm the mustache guy and this is fuck you, Hanukkah.

Is that picture that last guy's asshole real? What? What? The picture of the Mythbusters guy's asshole? Yeah, is that real? I don't know. Maybe they should do a mythbusters. Is that on one of your websites? I mean, it's been around. I've seen it around. Which one? The mustache guy? Yeah, he's like holding his asshole open. Is he still wearing the hat? I don't think so. Wait, you mean Goatsey? No. Yeah, Goatsey is a mythbusters guy. No, I don't think Goatsey is a guy from Mythbusters. That's not what I'm saying. There's like a new mythbusters. Like, I guess it's a comedy guy that does it. Adam. Adam ruins everything. Yeah, it's like a mythbusters. That was the original name of this podcast, but we had to change it to

Come Town because of that TV show. That's really good. Yeah. Well, yeah. Another episode of Adam Maroon. No, I don't know, man. I like, yeah, I've seen that show. I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it. Not like, like, bullshit, like Penn and Teller's bullshit, which was... Is it funny? What is he? Except without the Libertarian views, which is what I like about it. My favorite bullshit episode was the one, recycling is bullshit. Yeah, yeah. I think some recycling is bullshit. Medicine for the poor is bullshit. I think paper recycling's good, but like glasses maybe not good. Whatever, man, who cares? You should fuck Penn and Teller. You'd be better as Penn and Teller, and it's Helen Teller, and she's just screaming with a bunch of arrows sticking out of her head. I would,

I would like Teller and Teller. Get Penn the fuck out of there. Is that you guy trying to get that blinded shut up? Yeah. That's how I imagine Helen Teller. And he's just making an exasperated Teller face. I wonder what noises Helen Teller made. Oh, it's a sexual way. She was doing. Yeah. I guarantee you Adam would take a sexual advantage at Helen Teller. No, I wouldn't. And he would go, what? She's not retarded. She's got the same mental capacity as the rest of them. Actually, a greater mental capacity, in my opinion. That mental capacity is about that Helen Teller. Pussy capacity. Guys, I have a new girlfriend. Yeah, she's really cool. She's deaf and blind. And a socialist. What's Helen Teller's size? Yeah, that's why you don't hear about her.

She's actually a communist. I used to do it. I was doing a standup bit for a while a couple years ago about how, like, feminists do kind of have a point about how you don't really learn about women in history, because like my knowledge of, it's like, I think about like Helen, how it confuses Helen Teller and Anne Frank. And it's like, because those are the only two. Right, right. It's like, all right, well, here's all the men in history. And oh, I guess we've got cramps of women there. It's like, uh, it's dead girl. And, uh, oh, yeah, some dumb bitch you couldn't see or anything, something. But those are the most important women in history. Fuck, yeah. Yeah. Harry Tubman and Amelia Earhart, the only other ones probably. Yeah.

Harry Tubman does rule legit. Sackage away. Wait, was Harriet Tubman a different woman than Sir Jernar Truth? Or were they the same woman? Yeah. No, Sir Jernar Truth was the, uh, was the- They just did the same thing? She was a suffragist. Oh, she was? She was a su- Yeah, Harry Tubman was confused. Sir Jernar Truth was like a black voter person. I think. And Harriet Tubman, uh- I thought she was just a freed slave. Invented the MTA. She was the first black woman to work at the MTA. Oh. She invented being rude to customers. Are there, are there train guys that are- Yeah, Harriet Tubman was the first woman to say, Sir, that is not my job. That is not my job.

That's actually how slavery ended. He's, he's Harriet Tubman's dad. Sir, that is not my job. Oh, fuck. Some southern dandy had to be like, well, pardon me? Sir, that is not my problem. I don't, I don't rightly know how to deal with this. Do you have a supervisor I can talk to? Sir, we closed. I'm on break. Oh, fuck. It's really good job. That's beautiful. Well, I think that ought to do it for us. Yeah, we gotta order that pizza. All right, let's do that. All right, good night, folks. Oh, wait. Oh, yeah, Funny Moms is Monday. Oh, this upcoming Monday. Shots out to all the comeboys in New Orleans. My man, I think Paul sold me asses. You already did the show. Huh? Why are you plugging a show here? I'm saying shots out there when we came out. Thank you. Well,

you should have done that at the beginning. I forgot. This is not the shout out section. Why not? Shout outs and plugs should go at the end. No, they should. Yes, they should. Well, you want to start a show with shout outs and plugs? Yeah, that's how the perfect this are the pros over it. Uh, guys, we fuck do it. The show starts off with 97 minutes of sponsor messages. Why are you calling them pros? I'll do plugs because they make 300 million dollars. Yeah, they're rich as hell. They're like top 10. A pro is anyone who makes more money than me. I thought amateur is your mom. Ha ha ha. Fine. She gets fucked on camera. All right. Well, the upcoming Monday. What is that the 24th? Yeah, I heard Adam's mom gets fucked on DVD.

Ha ha ha. You can see her get bitch get fucked on on DVD R. Ha ha ha. Yeah, the 24th come to the show. Thanks, guys. Bye.