The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 62 – Train Knowledge

Episode Date: July 27, 2017

Ill tell you some shit them boys up in Albany don't want you to know

Shit-talking session. I have a little I have a little list here in the in the process I wanted to fucking take down and I got that out of my system that way I don't have to air it on the podcast and They're gonna get mad at us. That's the content people want man. Maybe that's a tease at him Yeah, a little broadcast. Maybe you don't know how to play the audience I do like a little fucking marionette The clown prince strikes again They call me strike strike zone When was the last time anyone has done a marionette show like do people still go and watch people do puppetry?

Yeah, I mean there's people to go to fucking like Elementary schools and that shit all I guess that's true, but that didn't they used to be like grown. I guess that's before Yeah, like in the old West people would go like watch a marionette in Japan. They do that Actually, you know what? Hey, when I was a little kid, sorry, I'm thinking of where the strings are They tie the woman's hands behind her back. What's the classic like What's the class I got what I was thinking to yeah, yeah, what's the marionette show about like Where a guy just beats his wife punch and Judy is a Judy punch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's just a guy like Yeah, that's a bit beating his wife like ask for help or

Be like this is hilarious. Yeah, this is gold. Well, there's there's actually I I would when I was a little kid And I went to Greece once They had a shadow puppetry thing this thing called gyozy and it was just like some fucking I think it was very racist and that's just television increase. Yeah They do madmen like that but it's like it's like 2d things that they fucking and it's just every character is racist and You know they make fun of Jews. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah There's a Jew character. Damn. I'm gonna look this up. Who's that Palestinian children show where they had Mickey Mouse?

Yeah, they have they don't like respect copyrights in Palestine. Yeah, no, they like that's the only problem I have a palace sign. They use that design intellectual property look if you if you live in Gaza and you're stealing our podcast, yeah I hope you get fucking bulldoze. There's like a suicide bomber. I hope you end up in some fucking capitol or treads In fact, I'm gonna make a toast for my soda stream Yeah Podcast stealing death. Let's break out the Sabra boys. Yeah, I just agree with all that. I'm bondage divest fully Well, you know bond I keep saying bondage divest. I'm boycott divest

Oh, yeah, that was an accident and not a bit that you know, I did it accidentally the other day and my friend was like Oh, he's just doing a bit and I was like, yeah, I was BDSM. Is that your bit? So you did it by accident yesterday. Now you're repeating it is a bit. No, I legitimately did it Yesterday, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now you know Repeating and with plausible now you have plausible deniability. You think you have plausible no I just keep saying it for a bit. That's bombing bondage sounds pretty bad. You know, it would be pretty good if I had said BDSM If I had done a BDS BDSM joke, yeah, it would have gone over well. Yeah, it's got that timing Yeah, that's true

So funny coming the time is Today I didn't mention it before because I wanted to do it on the pod But I saw one of those guys on one of those one-wheel hoverboards Yeah gyroscope hoverboard and he just I was walking my dog He just gyred he just hoverboarded past me and I cut he was on the phone on like a Bluetooth headset And the one thing I caught him say was like nah But seriously, I would like to secure permanent employment Just as he was like zooming through the

Oh, you can only buy those for the ebt cards. Yeah No, I am a welfare queen with their fucking unicycles It was like you're getting the little clown cars They're all getting in them all at once to drive to the fucking The first door to buy Kristoff. It was funny when those came out though like the hoverboards or whatever You're like, hmm, who are these four and then after a week you're like, oh, that's who And then they immediately banned them on the train You have white businessmen we're riding those and then the MTA would be like please here's parking for your

On the train they take out the fucking they take out the handicapped seats to put the big racks Have them on I've been listening to the Brian lair show on on NPR Do you guys ever listen to that bitch? I already listened all of them years ago, so but no no no But I actually only listen on Fridays because de Blasio comes on every Friday Mm-hmm, and they let anyone call in and ask them questions. I call them de blah blah blah Oh On Fridays, it's so funny people like may it de Blasio. Maybe you should stop having a black wife and make the trains work They're like, all right, we're gonna take another call

Yes, you make a good point. It's so good. Yes. Why do the train suck so much dick here? Where's it Cuomo's fault? I don't get it. You guys want me to drop some real train knowledge. Oh shit Set up but go ahead with it. All right, I'm gonna put I'm gonna go Yeah, we could all leave for the next 40 minutes and yeah, this podcast would be do fine Well, the thing is is that the trains in New York City are electrically switched instead of electronically switched, which means that They don't know where the fucking trains are which train is which once they leave away It is some like half the lines because some of them they've upgraded right right, but like the way the tracks were all laid out is Is they had to do it like, you know a hundred years ago where

The current goes through the train and then they can tell if a certain section of track is occupied But they can't tell which train it is or how fast it's got you so They always have to have like a thousand feet difference or distance between each train Because that's just how the system is set up So you don't have the possibility of making trains run faster than I think it max like every five minutes or whatever Mmm. Well, if once they're going at a certain speed, how much would it cost to get them all more more than just completely? Rebuilding really? Yeah, damn to also aren't the letter trains and number trains a different width No, the letter trains are wider than the number trains

So you can't but the track width the track width is is different different rolling stock for the different lines They used to be two private companies. Yeah. Yeah, that's why it's like it's like Renovating a house like if you had a bare piece of land, it would be easier to just build a new house there Then to take some fucked up old house in restore Right, right, right and that's and then with hurricane sandy and shit. I mean that caused so much fucking damage Yeah, but then it's also like the MTA is just a Fucking mess with like tons of bureaucratic problems, right? Yeah, I want those clean Japanese Korean trains, dude Yeah, they go into that place and like everything's nice and fucking, you know orderly. I mean it seems like they grope

But other than that, there's a lot of groups, you know other than that I feel like everything's robotic. They might even have like what I want That's what I want a step up from the hoverboard is part of my Amazon Prime membership I can hit a button on my phone and then a drone comes and grabs onto my skull with like a plunger type And just like an inspector gets me into the air and flies me to Manhattan. Oh, that's good Damn, dude. I want a little jetpack. How far away are we from jetpack technology? I think it's already have jetpack like for personal use. They already have jetpacks personal use that I'm clear Wait, what do you think there's only a jetpack?

Yeah, actually. Yes, that is what I think you're not allowed to fly drones in New York City though It's like what do you mean? It happens all the time. I know it happens all the time, but yeah in the park. I had a friend that got Almost arrested because he was in Prospect Park flying his drone. Really? Yeah Well, I want to fuck a personal jetpack and I want to fucking jetpack everywhere I go Yeah, it would be funny to see you up there Because I'm such a lie there goes stuff Dude, yeah, I actually your girlfriend on the back the jetpack. I would love that

But I don't have a girlfriend in case to one of those hamster balls. I Like a bubble boy situation I would I would actually legit love that if you can make the ball go a little faster If it could be like an electric bike, you know where it's like you peddle, but it was motorcycle cages Yeah, yeah, dude, and I'm running, but I'm going fast as shit I'm running my my normal pace which is like, you know five miles an hour But it then it goes it it bumps me up to 20 the motorcycle cage has to be the dumbest of the circus attractions Yeah, because it's like it's barely the sir. There's no athleticism there. It's like that's extremely dangerous

Exactly. Yeah, what that really that feels way more like fucking Monster truck rally shit than the monster trucks are fucking cool Yes, because they have to spend a shit ton of money on those trucks. Yeah, and they go and then they just break them Yeah Like every every monster truck rally. There's a truck. They'd like well. Yeah, that one's fucked the axles snapped off They didn't explode. So that'll be another $70,000 fixing that part of the truck But who cares baby as long as fucking as long as there's hillbillies trying to fucking win back their son's love

The fucking monster truck rally will be in business dude. That's a huge business You know, it's the story of monster trucks is insane. It was like just one fucking retard that had Like a pickup trade enough 150 and he's like, oh, well, I put bigger tires on it And then put me big tires on it and it may and I thought well, what if I put even bigger tires on it? And then the tires got big enough people won't come see truck And so then I thought well hold on now. I got this truck with big tires If I put even bigger tires on it Until more and more people come and that was his business plan

Yeah, you know like people just jumped cars. Yeah, people come and they'd be like, can you destroy my car with your beautiful truck? It would be an honor sir for you just shut the fucking destroy my gay ass Chevy My daughter just turned 27 and she still is unmarried and a rumor has it around town. She fucked one of the black guys works at gas station So we're gonna put her in my old Caprice And lock the doors and I want you to take big foot and crush her death in it So my family can have on her again That's a story of monster Yeah, there's actually no how it started was there is a little known law in Louisiana that it's actually okay to molest children

If you're 15 feet the air Only 15 to 17 feet above that above that it's illegal One and a half story law and it dates back to colonial times right when When the richest mayor was a pedophile and he had a hot-air balloon Yeah, the French were in charge of Louisiana Pierre sugar fingers As a well them boys And he would ride his elephant around raping children he would find crying babies and cover his fingers and sugar

So yeah silence them by putting his mouth a guy discovered that law when he was reading the laws of Louisiana on audiobook a Barrister yeah, right and and and then so he made that truck, and he was like this is my monster truck Monster I see very nice. That's the only other definition of monster. It's either Halloween or pedophile Yeah, we're both in some in some situations or That movie where Charlize Theron's ugly Monster monsters ball. Yeah, personally, I think it's really ugly and Mad Max free road I was so mad as look I'm a feminist like everybody else, but how dare it how dare she cut her hair? Absolutely. Yeah, no woman is ever allowed to have short hair so true

Gavin McGinnis actually wrote that article Oh my god Women with short hair is rape. You're raping me because it looks like a boy. Oh, and I'm attracted to it and that is argument Yeah, something like that. Yeah, I just want to have doggy style sex with them. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah in their in their ass and cover their pussy in their ass cover their pussy up with I like it I like some nice short hair every once in a while. I don't mind it. I I like I think all women are beautiful. Yeah, I'm gonna have sex with them Yeah, actually, I have yeah, I want some short hair. I want to get some short hair trim boys

Yeah, and by that I mean fuck man Yeah, if you're a woman with short hair You have to send naked pictures to stavros through any of the social media outlets. Remember it's progressive because you're disgusting Yeah, so he's doing you a favor. Yes stav comedy He's actually being where stav underscore comedy on snapchat feminism by Jackie baby, too Yeah, by jacking off to Ambrose. I'm a feminist big news Today stav can no longer serve in the United States military as a tender America if you beat off to too much too many transgender Americans Yeah, I

Saw the at first that's uh, that's hilarious like who gives a fuck. How did that start? Why is that an issue? Tweeted about it, but I mean why did he tweet because he's trying because health care isn't good. Oh, this is master God, that's so yeah, he just took like a fucking, you know changing the narrative. Wow Yeah, he's thought he must be talking to the fucking Cajun motherfucker. No, he just saw a mash for the first time He's really mad about playing But you know what it's weird I watched I watched used to watch mash all the time mm-hmm the TV show Hawkeye was the guy addressed. No Hawkeye is Alan Alda. Oh, that's the main character. Okay. Klinger, right? Is that sure the fox trot?

Foxy Is it there's one named Fox something isn't there? I don't know. I never really watched the show, but I've seen the movie I've never seen the movie Robert Alda movie and I did I did beat off to the lady in it. Yeah one lady Yeah, oh, yeah, she was a sugar pussy. That was her name sugar walls to call her Listen here sugar walls No, but you know, I never noticed watching that show is radars got like a fucked up radar Radars got like a deformed baby arm and he's a surgeon. No, he's the radio operator

Oh, the radio guy wait radars the guy who dresses bed like a wall clinger is the fucking one that wears women's clothes Okay, but he's not trans the character did that to get fucking like to get off the base Yeah, so they thought he would think he was crazy a Freak of nature Disorder yeah dog I saw a picture of like what like a trans soldier like a f2m and he was just jacked to shit Fuckin big-ass gun and shit. It's like how much tougher is that person than all of us? Did you see the seals? You can't say that because then you're saying that women aren't tough enough to be in no

What I'm saying is it's harder to like fucking go from to look jacked as hell if you start as a woman, right? More testosterone. I don't I don't give a shit. There's no there's no reason. There's no like argument of course I know argument for like, you know transgender people or even gay people should be allowed to be in the military because the military By it that's the most design does bad shit The only thing is like it is a source of income for people that wouldn't fucking right fine work anyways But like you should be focused on fixing the economy and absolutely I mean jobs for those people that is the funniest action and you know, whatever work played McDonald's They should be able to make enough money, you know to pay their fucking rent or whatever

Yeah, I mean, I know that is that is the irony here. Is it like it's just it's like fucking Oh, the military's it's like when everyone's sucking off the FBI and the CIA. It's like what these guys are good now It's like we care about the fucking military Well, yeah, it's and it's the same thing when they're like women can serve in combat roles It's like is this really like the feminism that we wanted first. It's like you could have your tea I didn't want any feminism. I Didn't want out of saying from the get-go. This is a bad idea. It's gonna lead to trans people taking Chris Kyle's job I

Said mark my words and nobody marked them Yeah, well Would you what about a trans sniper? Chris Kyle, maybe he was trans the That's seal team six woman Team Dix seal six she's

She was like heavily decorated seal team six and she's like trans now. She came out as trans afterwards Yeah, but she she looked like a hard mother fucker when she was in the seal team I got in trouble on choppo why I did it because we were talking about Ben Shapiro and Not trouble someone tweet one person. There's that fucking little ass nerd. Yeah, he's that nerd But I talked about that video where he's on the day the copter with the helicopter pilot and apparently this is helicopter I was like a nom helicopter pilot that became like a LA news helicopter pilot. Yeah covered the the OJ Oh, sure. She also covered like Rodney the Rodney King riots and like she was like yeah, yeah, and One like there was a helicopter accident and the blades cut her dick off

No, that's not true. Well, that's what I thought that's what I thought Happened anyway, so she came out as trans. So I brought up she was on She was on like a dais with Ben Shapiro and Ben Shapiro, I mean you put one Thank you. I don't know anything about this story. Yeah, it's this was a little bit of deductive reasoning There's a helicopter pilot whose dick comes off. I Mean what else happened the helicopter landed on it Adam? No, there's two sets of leaves ever since she was sunbathing nude up Upside with his dick hard Someone fucking flipped it upside down and felt like there was something different about her

Anyway, yes. Anyway, so she's on dais with Ben Shapiro and Ben Shapiro roast dais Yeah, he's like you can say you're a woman as much as you want, but that doesn't make you a woman Yeah, you're entitled to your opinions, but I don't have to call you a woman Yeah, and then he or she puts her like massive arms from, you know, manually spinning the helicopter blades to start it You know or whatever you have to do and he goes listen, sweetie Listen, sweetie. Listen, sweetie. If you fucking call me a man again, I'm gonna fucking kill you No, she said listen, sweetie, Adam you did that I went on chapel

You know what when I put their dicks and blenders No, I never said that Come on, man. You represent us whenever you fucking go out. No when I was on top. Oh, I did Someone said that I changed the pitch of my voice, which I I think I listened back I don't think I did that which is accurate because your regular speaking voice already sounds like a dumb woman. Yeah You had to go you had to go down to register to reach helicopter pilot. It's so true. Yeah, so Oh, that's what you got trouble for someone. Yeah, so someone was upset about one person said it was bad I got you know, some people are like that's

Horrible or something man. You represent the show when you're out there. Let me let me tell you right now Don't do any more transphobic. You ever said that I'm trying not to is retarded. Yeah That's our are they professional rebuttal. What do you think their sexual orientation is? injury it was a It was a trans woman, I believe he said that But yeah, so I'm not apologizing for that. Whoa the bad boy bad boy the motherfucking bad

Apologize for other things but I'm my dick. I'm getting on my dick and eating my ass bad boys bad boys Oh, what I gonna do what you're gonna do when I fuck your dick either one works Yeah, it's nice. I don't have you guys see I feel like I was on a streak of seeing a bunch of movies But I think that ended. I don't think I seen a movie in a while. I just watched John with two I guess good one fucking rules. Yeah, I love the I love that the villains like hang out It's just a museum. Yeah, yeah where they have like you will visit the museum and in one of the rooms industrial Villains that one scene where we're him in common or like having that oh, yeah

Yeah, they go into that. I don't know where it is the secret train station, and they're just sort of Like secretly and no one's noticing Shooting guns dude. That's it. That was like. Oh Oh, that's so inventive. Oh, that's such an awesome scene it ruled that movie fucking rocks John Wick is the best is my favorite action franchise I know that's you know people will argue or whatever, but like maybe it's a good one It's it's I think it's the best one dude. I haven't seen them in a while, but I really like the crank movies See, I haven't seen them. Yeah. Yeah, they're really sick dude crank is good

I mean state them is like a really good martial artists, but those the guys that made it Yano, I mean, that's why like all that like choreography is great is because you know No, it's like yeah dedicated to learning how to he knows how to shoot guns for real Have you seen those videos of him shooting guns? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, like do an obstacle course gun obstacle courses Yeah, yeah, he learned all that shit although It's funny like you watch John Wick one and then John Wick two and he does like the same move often We're yeah, yes somebody in like a leg lock and then pop them in the top of the head He does it always and I'm always happy when yeah, yeah, yeah

I don't give a fuck dude that shit rocks I heard a rumor. It's like yeah, you probably do that if he's going through killing that many people at once, you know Well, I heard the rumor that it there's the room that the third one is going to basically be like the fucking The tower was that what it was called now there or the rain like rain Yeah, yeah, yeah, like Thailand yeah, yeah, we just goes up and he just has to kill a fucking movie is sick Well, that movie sick plane about about it because it's like a white guy. So it's it's gonna be they're changing it Melissa McCarthy It's gonna be yeah, that's John's as the new John Wick

Yeah, that was Leslie Leslie Jones is the new John Wick and no Joe reams it people I just understood people being mad about Ghostbusters like that If they made Keanu Melissa McCarthy, I would be what is it retarded? No, what does it matter? Wait, who cares if you completely change the cast of something? I mean if they made yeah, Jane Wick and it was tight. I Guess I'd be down. I do want to see atomic blonde that shit looks tight Do you have you seen it? I have seen the posters and it looks cool. The trailer looks cool It basically does look like actually I think atomic blonde is essentially Jane Wick like it's essentially like neither you see ghosts in the shell

Yeah, with a scarlet Amazon review that said it's not bad. I'd watch somebody said it reminded them of Blade Runner Which I you know, we should rewatch which is like an amazing they're stupid whoever said that is stupid I was talking about it the other day. It's incredible and I haven't seen it in I haven't land before time, too I haven't seen it in a minute, but we should watch the Michael Mann Miami Vice with Jamie Foxx and call Dude that movie is fucking really. I'll watch it. It was like another movie that was like panned like people were like this fucking sucks But it's because it's too dark and it doesn't have super dark It doesn't feel like Miami Vice. No, it's Michael man's take on Miami Vice. It's a Michael man It's more of a Michael man movie man. Do you like him because his name is man?

That's why you it's to imagine his name was man's ass Adam looks at the box and he goes in blockbuster and he takes the Michael man movie into the corner and just looks at the word man and jacks Trying to avoid the security cameras The word man spelled differently in a person's name It's a smart joke That's a really smart joke What you guys you guys you dumb ass bitch ass

Yeah Boy pink hat on your knee With your little posture ass like a woman fucking leg over your fucking dick. Yeah, I'm just this is how I sit man shut up Fuck dude. I'm hungry shit. Yeah, I gotta do another smoothie before we go out No, let's go give dinner. We're gonna get dinner. I'm gonna do both. Wow. I'm gaining 200 pounds this year Not hitting 200 pounds gaining 200 pounds. Mmm. That's cool. Yeah, you're gonna do it I won't I'm gonna be I promise the audience is vegetables. I will be as jacked as the rock

I am going to gain 142 pure muscle of just how tall is he? He's like six four probably. Yeah, something like that Dwayne motherfucking our next president, dude Dwayne the Brock Turner When I mean it would be fucking hilarious if he was a Republican ran No, dude. Yeah, it is. I think no, he's not. I think it'd be great if he ran all these all these fucking idiots You told him and they didn't realize he was a Republican. They're just like, yeah, the rock great like if George Takai ran We're putting everyone in camps

Take that take that white people. We've got just putting everyone in camp I can has cheeseburger Concentration comes some some smells like calm in here. Oh, sorry. It's pasta. Oh my hard penis and in the P in the Why does that pasta smell like come sometimes pasta because you guys got molested by Italians? Yeah I said Italian man put a piece of spaghetti in his ass Like the lady in the trim When the moon hips your lips like a big pizza pie Stuga

station Remember La Bella Stu guys. I do remember La Bella Stu. Yeah, what a fucking song. Hey, that's not the lyric La Bella Stu guys I fucked up my back at the squat rack yesterday guys. Yeah, what were you doing? looking at dead lifting poor form You heard your back deadlifting wiping it down for a guy who bullied him Did you hurt your back while actually deadlifting or you finished the set and then later your back hurt?

I woke up this morning in my back hurt really bad. Yeah, then you didn't hurt your back dead Let's just muscle tension tightness. Yeah, you just need to go get a massage You're gonna massage fucking go to yoga or some foam roll with shit out of it next time you go to the gym I'm gonna get a foam roller off of Amazon. You're gonna get that that kind of massage you'd like to get The kind of set some people back couple you know, what are you talking about keep some enslaved? Is that the kind of massage you're gonna get no We get a massage from my boys. We should go to little Italy after this little Italy sucks Do we got to go to the real little Italy which is in Arthur Avenue? I would go Bronx

Let's go. Let's go to the Bronx right now. It's Arthur Avenue where they make all the Bartholomems. Yeah Very nice, I'll take let's take a fucking Bit you don't be a funny video in the Bronx. I mean that no one would get is uh, is you is you do you write? TFW when no hold on TFW you get lost between the moon in New York City And then it's the Arthur hand That's good. That's pretty good. I think a few people would get that. Yeah, you know if you're a real Chris Cross fan You get it. I was I was saying today that I'm a trans gender It's a transgender which is France. Yeah, it's where I suck off other guys at EDM shows, but outside of that. I'm normal

That's good. I know a couple of I know a couple of fellows like that. Oh, yeah music music guys The guys that are music festival gay. Oh, yeah, well listen man Raves I've met a couple of people like that that let you know Oh, yeah, I'll let some guy in a headdress jack me off. It's a healthy way to get the sickness out of your body, dude That's like it's like leaching. You know, I only get raves. That's what that song down with the sickness It's a very homophobic and progressive song I feel like we've made a similar joke to the sickness being gay Havley, I mean it just feels like so imagine trying to do that kind of comedy on stage now

Oh, man, I've had you going up. Hey you guys do that song. You know what I think it means I would love to see that my sister was my last at you piece of shit Sucking a dick inside of New York. God damn. I fucked up my back somehow damn you did too Did you steal that from Adam? No, I just I just slept on my arm around. That's a storm bit Um, yo, thanks a lot to everyone that came out on a funny mom's that was a week That was a really good show by the way We're really happy with how these shows have been going and we are going to be moving to twice a month Oh, are we yeah in the fall? You didn't tell us that bitch. I'm telling you now in the fall

We were moving to twice a month. I'll make the bad news is is that I will be dead by then. Yeah, and also dying grease I'm sorry for false advertising advertisement are Italian American Italian American friend Mike Racine it'll end of the show little American in the 80s They used to call themselves that the little Americans. Yeah, do you remember that you went to the wrong venue? He was supposed to be on the show, but we're gonna get him on soon. We know you guys Fuck him. He's listening right now. Yeah, make me some meatballs. You fucking giddy cock sucker Let's go over to this house make him make his girlfriend. That's not a bad idea. Maybe we text Racine to get dinner with us Um, yeah, that'd be nice. I'm fucking hungry dude. Um, anyway, yeah, so oh

Fuck do you guys see that fucking fake-ass little kid letter? Yeah, yeah to Trump. They should have so funny Oh, there was somebody pretended their child were to letter to Trump. I think so. I think it was yeah It might not have been fake but I fucking that is the one thing that pisses me off more than anything is when it's like You know a video that starts like whoo whoo Sadie and what would you say? Hey, hey, hey, hey, what was that thing you said? I did the buh-buh-buh the boys should be able to play with the girls toys You know, I never was like tea if I was a child at it, so it means it's right Well, it's always remind the fact that 95% of the other children in the world are racist Yeah pieces of shit the fake like oh kids are the most discriminatory people

That's all yeah, that's all they know is like how do I fucking exclude people? Yeah categorize them? Yeah, yeah Um, no, but it's always like the the lib I think kid letters are always like way too eloquent for like a seven year old Yeah, and like the conservative ones are always like this kid is like like a fucking retard Yeah, you're fired remember that one. That was one of the first jokes I wrote when I was doing stand-up really billboard that was on Interstate 95 near Delaware that's that had I'm not a black kid a black kid and a white kid. They were like hugging each other and it's like children don't see color there was some PSA

Oh, yeah, and then my my tag for my My setup was like, which is an effective ad cuz sex sells Laugh at that cuz I was 16 16 yeah, is that pedophilia if you're 16 and fucking children Uh, yes, what do you mean of course? You know by the wall where they get started 18 It is funny to think we talked about it before but like you know being 16 and like fucking 15 year olds Yeah, you fuck a child and you remember that as an adult you're like, oh Geez

Yeah, yeah, I know whatever girl whenever a girl says to me she's like yeah, I started really young I was 13 I'm like, yeah, good. Yeah, it's disgusting dude I did I did the girl that was like she told me this fucking story one time about being in like English class and like sixth grade and just letting guys finger her in class whoa She's like yeah, I was just letting I was thinking to my own classroom I know we had like open desks, and I couldn't imagine just the choreography Yeah finger you in the classroom without the teacher being like was what's it going on back there?

I'm fingering. Why do you keep dropping your pencils in front of a Lexus desk? Yeah. Yeah, don't stop fingering In middle school like there was this thing where girls As like a thing would all show their thongs that like became a thing Yeah, I didn't class that Cisco song we could probably because the thongs I remember that Baltimore's own baby Cisco. Yeah, I think I saw them at the fud shop in the inner Yes, he was about that dude when they were drew Hill. Yeah. Yeah, I never realized that that was a neighborhood in Baltimore You would hill park my thought it I thought Cisco's name was drew hill and that was like his back Oh, no, no, no, no, no, that was very confusing to me. What's Cisco up to dude? That's silver hair

Why the fuck doesn't silver hair come back dude? I was just I was on the way home Frank Oh today has a sober I fell asleep last night watching this new guy very I don't know if it's new or not guys grocery games He's guys grocery. I fucking love Because first of all diner's drives and dies Zaria stupid fucking horrible various guys grocery games is like they were trying They're like well chops more successful. No, so we're gonna just do chopped but guys He's not a judge He's not he's not doing a host. He's like well, all right. We're back on triple D's triple G's and the challenge today And he thinks that's like the coolest name. Absolutely, and it's just call it the name of the show

I'm sure that's been a fight. He's had with the producer absolutely numerous times. They're like guy great Everything's going great, but could you please say the actual name of the show and stop calling it triple D triple G? and shorting you only have one thing to say it's the name of the show and Could you please do it? And he's like, yeah, no, I'm not doing that No, I'm gonna kid, but he there's no reason for him to be there. He serves no purpose I was like he's like the smash mouth of the culinary world. He's the same at first of all you see and they're both They're both I didn't know anything about him, but I saw him and I said I guarantee you this guy's got from northern, California Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, fucking northern, California fatso vibe that like

San Jose like yeah, baby 1998 forever Yeah, you know kind of fatso and he's one of them dude the best part about him Sorry, but that show there's literally shots where he's in the background off mic Just like mumbling and saying things that are left on the show. He's just wandering around Everybody does stuff because there's nowhere for him to fucking go in also a grocery store. No one can cook All the food is bullshit on games games. Yeah, it's not they don't even have amateurs They just have yeah, it's just like slobby Joseph shit. Yeah, but also I don't understand the premise It's like shitty chopped. Well, I know but it with chopped. It's like these are the ingredients you have access to

It's like these are the ingredients you have access to in this show. They're literally in a fucking grocery. No, no, no There's there's they put limits. They're like you can't that's what I mean Yeah, is that why they're limits? What's the point being in a grocery store? That's a fun part, baby. You gotta like find the shit. Yeah, you got $19 and seven cents to make a fucking dinner for two No, they have to have specific ingredients No, sometimes they do my friend you haven't watched as much guys. I've watched enough to complain about yeah Here's the best part though, dude. He pronounces his name Fieri. Yeah, and he was born there guy fairy He was born guy fairy and he pronounced it Fieri

No, dude, he fucking here's how stupid he is He changed his name back to Fieri for his wedding so he could honor his his great-grand Great Italian WAP grandfather incredible. It's a seppy Fieri in like a toast in like a trunk Wow, I just want to say that my my grandfather Giuseppe frerri He fought oh man, I do love guys grocery games though You know what else I've been on recently master chef motherfucking jr. Do I don't like cooking shows, but I am a big TV head I love property brothers no

I can't I don't like that shit dude dude the property brothers are my fucking those are different those are our different passions Working and eating. Yeah, you know, I love me some damn fucking masters. I love about the property brothers There's so there's zero charisma to either one. Absolutely. They're like Emotionally flat. They're like they're like, you know when you work with somebody and they're doing an impression of what they think a cool person Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like when they employ sarcasm in that way where they're like, yeah, that sounds like a great idea Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're like what well, they know but they have they have that fake like they're like a customer service agent Like at all times like someone trying to upsell you they're always like a waitress asking if you want dessert with the contractor one Definitely has like he was like a pyro in middle school

Yeah, really like like yeah, well look Jonathan's got a bunch of lighters, dude The kid with a zippo. Yeah, cool Jonathan can make the big lighter spin he could do a 360 Oh, the kid who would take the fucking let the thing off it and make the flame go big as shit hell Yeah, that was in kids in my high school are really into like match and lighter tricks. Really? I don't know why Yeah, we gave Korean food the contractor is always always goes no matter what episode he's like I'm gonna go open floor plan on this. Yeah, you gotta go open floor plan Yeah, and then he has one scene where he like drags us saw us all through some drywall and then his team comes in

It doesn't real work speak of I'm moving Nick there's wall. It's got to go. I'm gonna Jonathan Scott the shop. I gotta say do that We're I gotta say this like hammer. So there's like this There's a wall like there's a kitchen. You just I want to fucking knock that shit down open floor plan prop prop property brother style My bitch it's gonna look so good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so like I was talking to max about it today He's like I don't think there should do that's actually it's weird because I wrote a sketch for the show that we're producing called the property And then it's the n words I don't want to stay on the podcast because it won't make sense out of context

This thing if we do the actual sketch we'll all be I'll be we'll be wearing prosthetics What's not blackface is prosthetics? I mean the nose will be bigger It'll be the lips will be bigger. It's not like just it's not a racist thing. I'm wearing I'm wearing a makeup It's not I'm not doing a minstrel show Acting you fucking yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we're doing hi. It's a latex I'm gonna be shot in 4k hilarious chopping thunder really hit that sweet spot Yeah, like that even to and it's it's written by the fucking Mulholland drive guy. How crazy is that?

Yeah, that is hilarious wait David Lynch. No, no the actor just you guys are watching fucking. No, no It's so good Twin peaks is gay peaks is no dude. It smells like common here the original I always thought was like corny now it smells like a different come it smells like like that tree That smells like yeah, the DC come trees Yeah, they have covered income side has if you're going to lower at the LES got the come trees Yeah, Boston to like Clinton Clinton Street is what I call it come Street. Yeah during the summer the spring time You go down there. You get a nice nice big nose full of cum. Yeah, well also when I go down to Christopher Street

I just can't stop All over the street Grishy grishy whenever I'm in the West Village When it at Stonewall, you know, it's just why are you real? Yeah, just meeting some guys just hanging out March This guy's like most like come I was in the West Village when you guys were out of town. I took a picture It's like yeah, I'm getting a chance to finally explore the city while you guys are you know out of town Living life you do an acid by a pool. I was out of clown. Mmm. I went to Detroit to be with my clown Oh, we also have a fucking wick clown love in two to four days whenever shipping arrives

The three of us got a big surprise for the fans. Oh, yeah, you guys are gonna love it I'm just a dildo to put an Adam's ass. Oh, that's all you know what I want to do I want to get a I got to get a mold of both of your asses and then a mold of my dick and then fuck the Your asses get out of my dick. It would be funny. It would just be funny Wouldn't it be funny? It's funny because your dick is already covered in mold. Yeah, I know it is It's clean of it where it's clean and nice. You don't even have a dick. You just spilled a bunch of shit on your lap It's just a stalactite made out of old. No, it's a nice penis. Thank you very much. It looks like the head of an onion I like the top. That's not bad. What's wrong with that?

I'm just saying you're very flavorful and a and a great ingredient I'm jealous dude. It looks like that. I'm cut and I'm exactly it looks like it because you're mutilated I'm just saying that I was I was I was mutilated Stas Stas dick looks like an asshole that like no kiss to cold pole in the middle of winter Yeah, and then he tried to pull it off and he couldn't he got stressed out Yeah, it's like the fucking Christmas. What's it called Christmas? Yeah story story Yeah, it looks like a calamari that's about to go out of the kitchen a restaurant

And then the the head waiter is like don't serve that And then they take it off and they quickly throw it in the garbage Yeah, and then before it ruins the reputation loved one suck on that little calamari. That's a maria. Yeah, what's you know? I'm owning it. I'm owning it please. I'm gonna start calling my dick my calamari, dude Come give my little calamari a suckle, dude You want to suck on my little calamari? I don't think anybody does That's not very sexually desirable. What an awful fate to be What to spend time with a loving nice man like myself? Yeah, have a good time. Let's go to a dinner

They like to be used movies. I like to not be looked at in the eye Well, you drink while you drink yourself to sleep Well glory the mulling glory day right while wringo describing the best I put on a copy of cars to drink myself to sleep at 5 30 p.m. She's waste your anniversary She's at the macaroni grill you convinced her to go to ironically Yeah, when they when they when they fucking undershoot they think you're like your dad But or their dad, but then you're like way worse. Yeah, there's a much

much shittier version Well ladies if your dad's a little cuddly motherfucker You're in luck because that's me and if your dad is a mom as a woman if you're if lesbians if you're raised by lesbians You're in luck because Adam's here also. What do you mean? Oh? I am like a lesbian mother. Mm-hmm. I'm like women like you because they remind you mind them of their mom Yeah, you ever see that movie the kids. They're all right. Oh We do it all right gets that gets that punani worked over by ruffalo. Yeah, yeah mark mark Oh fellow mark pipes mark pipes up a lot of people are

Mark pipes ruffalo, baby. Yeah, a lot of people are upset about that. They were like, you know A movie called Chodiak Where it's a guy going around town raping people with a fucking a three-inch long nine-inch wide dick Chodiak, I will keep fucking Until the San Francisco Times publishes a picture of my dick a life size on the front page Chodiak, that's very good. Thanks, man. What did we have at the live when it was some another care a very good character? Oh, is that that was a really hot 30 minutes? You know what? So we should put it up even a cell phone recording as a bonus

People would bitch about me at the audio quality of the live shows and it's like I don't know how to make it any better Right, it makes it would always make it blurbs that we don't post them anymore. Well, I don't think I don't think our little like Yeah, I feel bad because it would make the comics sound like they were bombing because I couldn't get the audience Well, that's why I'm saying we just do our well from now on yeah If you weren't at the show you missed our hot Chester Bennington. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was pretty good We did have some good riffs on Chester RIP. Yeah, God needed a nice front man RIP to a legend God was tired of listening. Yeah, we had a couple of Chester bangers in there. Yeah Why couldn't it have been Chester Cheetah? Did we say that? No, we didn't know we didn't that's a new one

But also never say that about Chester Cheetah. Well, you can't die. I love Chester You know, it's a funny family guy joke is when he's like I forget even the setup But it's just Chester the cheetah doing cocaine and listening to rush. Yeah, I remember that It's Cheeto dust I think. Oh, yeah, that's what it is. Yeah, that is a great joke I remember calling someone Chester the molester growing up. Yeah, yeah, that was a great bit Well, we got a new Chester Cheeto in town folks President Donald Yep, I went there. I'm covered in Cheeto. Yeah

Excuse me The face the commander in Cheeto Hashtag the resistance We got him. We're gonna resist him by not particularly changing any aspect of our lives Because we're rich New Yorkers with rich parents who never really had to worry about anything anyways And we'll never be willing to change Casually cruise into TV writing jobs We're given to us

Because our parents paid us who worked for our casual TV job. Yeah, I had to be a paralegal Hmm for eight years. Oh, I love fucking Eating ass. Yeah, you mean that's I've been taking some swipe. I got a creative Constructive criticism on the show that stop doesn't ask the have you been fucking question? I'm sorry. I hate that question That's a great question. It's so obviously we've run out of things. No, it is it absolutely is not that question I really want to know I have such fuck every time you say that shit I know it's well anytime he says that I get in trouble because I like shared too much Here's the problem, dude. That's cuz you don't do that's that's the difference between us

I'm an empathetic man, dude. I want to hear how my boys are fucking. I want to know how I want to have a greatest comedy I want a real I want to rape Wow, this is why you're so bad at the songs, dude, what I want to I want to we've been doing that's pretty good Whatever autistic cumboy has been compiling all the fake songs. I want that on that. I want that on the spreadsheet another 11 minutes Another 11 minutes. Oh consentatory. That's another good one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that was The one Italian man who doesn't rape The respectful Italian Japanese thing we were doing maybe I love that like people just think definitively they're like rape jokes are not

Funny, you can't do them and then you can just still be a guy that's like. Oh, yeah I'm just gonna continue doing them. Yeah, there's really nothing they can do about it. Absolutely Continue to enjoy your life. You just don't have to argue with them about it You just move on who would get mad about going? I want to read a million. Yeah Millions of people probably more than 50% of America. Yeah, that's that have been programmed to think that in no circumstances Is it ever okay to mention it in a fucking humorous context? Because that was decided, you know three years ago online and that's just how it is stuff. Yeah, I Suppose that's correct. Well Adam you brought it up. Have you been fucking?

Have you been raping? That's well the real question. Um, have I been raped? Is that is that your question? You know last week? Like you came in well, I think the song wrong again. Oh shit. Yeah. No. Yeah, it's just a Tight I messed up. I didn't mean to sing it that way Yeah, I done had sex with the earring. I've been at the gym with the earring You know, I went to the gym the first time with the man respect. That's that's where both of those things happen Step into the left-most shower which is reserved for casual encounters caught over my old friend Gianni Through the hips

Oh, the hips and this fainter. Yo, how could I fucking quit you, bro? Literally have a broken back from squatting. Yeah, it's true. It's a new. Yeah It was not swatting weights. I'll say that I've never seen it either But I feel like I've seen broke back. It's boring as shit. Doesn't he spit on your hand and put it in his ass Uh, yeah when they're in the tent. Yeah, I saw that movie. I saw that movie when I was 19 in Tel Aviv, Israel Nice. Yeah, and the it was called our first our hot broke back We had the first time you hooked up with a guy. No, but I watched you with the phone Is Israel a movie name is a puss in boots is just called Shrek's cat

Israeli title Yeah, honestly, I gotta say like maybe this is an unwoke take but it's pretty boring movie. It's like too slow Yeah, no, you're supposed to cry. You're supposed to cry. Yeah any movie any movie that's got like it's not bad But it's like it's just it's a little too boring. You think I heard they actually had sex Penetrative. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's the top. That's how you fled your diet, dude Was Heath bottoming Heath was top. Of course. Yeah, J. J. Hall is prop JG bottom. No I say hey, I say it all the time. He was saying gay. Don't say that about him, dude There wasn't any dating Taylor Swift. We're gonna get I was on the train and I spotted across the train

It was packed and some guy had a little Best Buy bag and I saw the top of Nightcrawler coming out of the bag and I yelled across train. I said that guy's gay I was like what the movie the movie you have that it's a gay guy And then you know, I got off it and they made me get off at the next Such a nuisance Literally almost people shit beat off on the train Imagine getting bounced off a fucking MTA train. Oh, you know, have you guys you know what I read recently? I read that pussy posse article a couple couple weeks ago. You've talked about it a bunch

So there's this girl who they talk about that Leo fucks and they're like, yeah She's like a prep school in New York City girl and when she was in high school She kept like dating drug dealers from the Bronx and Harlem Mm-hmm, and like she was like the bad girl in her class So I googled her to see if she's hot. Is she hot it's Donald Trump Jr.'s wife No, I swear to God. I swear to God. She's mentioned in the pussy posse. No. Yeah Yeah, are you making that up? Yeah, the New York magazine for like 97 or 96 used to fuck like a Bronx drug You got run. She got run through by the pussy posse. Hold on. We gotta be fuck

We gotta be real careful here because you describe that as your discovery. I Did someone else tell you? Was the pussy posse woman no Organic piece of reporting by Adam Friedo. No, first of all, this would be your first article This would be your first big scoop. No, it's a scoop. I claim you really responsibility for it. Have you tweeted it yet? No, why if he claims responsibility for it, you know for sure to his ass soul that shit stole it from who? Fuckin Cronkite. It's a fun. Make it. Cronkite. Cronkite. The president is dead By the way, Donald Trump Jr.'s wife got run through by some Moroccan goons in the Bronx

Got fucked by some Puerto Rican drug dealers in the 90s When she was 15 rules. Yeah, it rules. So you think he gets cucked now? He must They have like 20 kids. He must get cucked. They have a million kids. He must get cucked by black eyes I mean he looks really stupid Don Jr.'s the one with the black hair or the blonde hair black hair. Yeah, but half those kids are actually Donald Sr.'s kids Enacted pre-monocles On his own children Literally he would like in in two generations son in a world in a world where there's like no laws Donald Trump

Definitely a absolutely fucks his daughter I mean that guy sucks so bad that pre-monocles on all his son's wives that guy sucks so bad that Donald Constantly shows Jared favoritism over him Yeah, well how much of a bitch asses both your sons are Yeah, for Jared to be for you to fight have to find a new son and it's fucking Jared He's probably just he's probably just jealous Jerry gets the fuck you vodka dude You think he ever sucks Jared's dick Freshly after he fucks Ivanka because the pussy juice is still on there. It's like hey

Commendatory I call him drump. Oh good. Whoa resistance That is resisting on your part computer. Turn the lights on turn your lights on dude Do you think it's been wearing a pussy hat this whole episode we haven't mentioned it what a pussy hat? Yeah I'm just oh the The little pink pussy hat the pink pussy hat But I'm but I'm but I'm but I'm but I'm but I'm that's a pink panther. But I'm but I'm I don't know.

Suck my dick. Suck my dick. Suck my dick. I forgot I'm dead. Woo! Respect of US military ban on transgender troops remains to be seen. How is that a headline? I don't know.

Something's gonna happen. We gonna riff on some headlines, the topical portion? Yeah, sure. The opinion, Dana Perino, advice for Sarah Huckabee Sanders from one female press secretary to another. Uh oh. Wait, she's Mike Huckabee's daughter? Yeah, well she's Bernie Sanders and Mike Huckabee's daughter. I made that joke.

I made that joke. You fucking idiot. Yeah, come on. It's right there in the name. I made that joke that was obvious. I was the first. I was the first. You know, another one I made up, the plane should be made out of the black box.

No, that one's actually made up. You know, here's what I made up, the plane should be made out of the Quran. Problem solved. You're not gonna fly that fucking piece of shit book? The pedophile... I love it when people like... They're like, Mohammed was a pedophile. Like, go ahead and read the Quran.

Absolutely not. It's in there. So I guess Mohammed fucked, is that what happens? Yeah, Mohammed... Everyone was a pedophile up until like 1980. Yeah, but Jesus didn't fuck with me. Mohammed smoked weed though. Actually, Tom Myers has a bit about it.

He's like, you know, people say that Mohammed... There's that exchange on Twitter between that guy and Tom Myers. He's so good. Growing up in Reisterstown, you were my favorite comic. Tom's poor ass literally believed it. You know what he said? They were like, what's your most memorable... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

experience in comedy? Strip club in Vegas. There are pictures of Tom at that gig with strippers. They're online, you can find them. At least they're on Facebook that are unbelievably funny. It was so funny that he's so like trapped in that delusional world

that he thinks that would be like a serious inquiry from somebody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He thinks you're sickening people on him. You're sickening your friends on him. He believed that was real. He believed that he... No, that's what I thought.

First of all, how long has Tom been doing comedy? Let's say 10 years, right? Probably longer. Someone growing up as a child idolized Tom Myers. Fresh ones, dude. Oh, my boy's eating at a mommy. Yeah, Tom did DM me.

Guys, please stop harassing Tom Myers. Did he say that? He said he'll never appear on the podcast. Oh, yeah, yeah. I saw that. I love him, dude. I love him. Oh, fuck it, mom. Who you actively engage in making fun of him. That's the kind of shit that I fucking hate the people.

No, no, no, no. Like, oh, this autistic guy that I gawk at. People do that with BB. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they do it with all this shit, where you're making fun of and exploiting a retarded person. Just fucking have to have your fucking courage

to say that that's what you're doing. Stop pretending like you have some affection for him. I accept that, but I also think there is some sort of comedic, not comedic merit, but there is some sort of artistic merit to someone continuously running. Like, it's like

Sisyphus, like, rolling the boulder up Dixifus. He's like, literally every single one of his jokes is like, he has a pregnancy. That Mickey Kuchela video goes up after. Holy shit, Tom Myers. You are the world's worst comedian. Yeah, he, every single

punchline is such a let down. Dude, poor Mickey's on some weird like like, uh, internet radio shit or some shit. I don't know what's going on. He had some vape shops. I mean, he probably was making like, he has to be loaded. On 98 Rock? I don't think so, man.

Then, then he didn't. I can't imagine that you would be on like, you would be the biggest voice on a fucking like, multi-market. He wasn't on that long. It was only like four or five years. No, it was probably making six figures.

No, it's got to be long. Because I used to listen to Mickey and Amelia. They had the afternoon show. It was only on the morning show for like four or five years. Yeah, but the afternoon show, you still make fucking money. I used to listen to Mickey and Amelia. For like years, I listened to that show. And he did. It was actually not a bad show.

He's a good, he's a good broadcaster. I fucked with that show. Yeah. No, but I remember, I think I was talking to Joe Robinson about it one time by them. And he was like, yeah, he's got to make like, it's a lot. It's six figures. You think so? Yeah. I think if you're like, morning zoo radio,

you make six figures. But the guy's got a bunch of fucking shit. And it's like, 98 Rock is the biggest radio station there and it competes with DC 101. So, how much longer do you think there's gonna, like a rock station is gonna, do people listen to... Well, people are in the car. But like, old... Yeah.

I don't listen to rock stations. Do you know what I mean? Rock stations? That kind of format? You also don't really commute. That's true. I mean, young people listen to that. I would listen to that shit all the time and it wasn't because like, ooh, I got to hear Mickey and Amelia.

It's because I'd be driving home from work. But now people are doing podcasts. They are doing podcasts, but I guarantee you, if I had to drive every day, I wouldn't fucking download podcasts to listen to or commute. I would just listen to whatever's on the radio. I used to despise Ellie in the morning. I fucking hated that show.

Yeah. That guy's got a real annoying laugh. Yeah, he does. I would listen to it every day. Yeah. You know? I listen to the junkies. Do you ever fuck with the sports junkies, dude? No, I would only... They would say donkey. I would only listen to fucking Elliot and Mickey and Amelia.

Yeah. The junkies were on HFS. The Tom Joiner morning show. Oh, that one's a good one, dude. Ricky Smiley. Did you ever catch him or are you gone by the time they started syndicating him? Ricky Smiley morning show? I don't know. I don't know that one, dude.

Adam, what morning shows did you listen to as a child? I listened to Stern a lot when I was a kid. I never did, but I never would let you. In Vegas, they had drive time magicians, radio magicians. My friend's dad used to drive us.

And they would do a radio version of card tricks, which was somehow entertaining. People would listen to it. My friend's dad used to drive us. It was a good card. Amazing. And it actually is the one. Take our word for it. I'm seeing Tommy at a wedding next weekend.

The good rabbi? No, the street magician. The good rabbi. I'm going to L.A. for a wedding next weekend. Goddamn. Ever tell you my theory that David Blaine is the fourth property brother? David Blaine is in the pussy posse. Also mentioned.

David Blaine does fuck. It seems like he fucks. A tremendous amount. Magicians do. All magicians do. David Copperfield fucked Claudia Schiffer, dude. That's pretty good. Yeah. It's a magic thing that they make

panties disappear. There was a kid in my school that would do card tricks. He'd always wear the tuxedoed every class and he'd do card tricks, and they caught him with a shit ton of roofies. I mean, you know they fuck. I think there definitely is some sort of

cross section between magic and pua culture. But they're both trying to run one over on people. Oh yeah. Rub one out on people. Do you ever just beat off on someone? To pull out

and then come on someone? Yeah. That's like a normal sex thing. I'm asking. It's not beating off on someone. It's a little longer than immediately. I like to leave it into the last second. I straight up just jacked off on people before. Me too.

Oh, like mutual masturbation? No. Oh, just strangers on the bus? Yeah. I like to just hang glide and I beat off while I'm hang gliding and then wherever I come I have to do it. They pick a bird shit on me.

Damn seagulls. What is that, an eclipse? It has to happen. I didn't know there was supposed to be a lunar eclipse today. I don't know. It's some morbid Leo beats man jacking on his bike.

Hopefully he didn't have anything to do with that seagull to shit on me. That's how I want to go out, dude. I don't want to fucking die beating off. It has to have happened one time. A guy beating off on a hang glider. For sure. And if not, I'm going to be the first.

Where's the Guinness Book of World Records for most times jacked off while hang gliding? Well, some Korean guy killed himself jacking off too much. Oh yeah. Just in general, not a hang glider. I think there's also a teenager here. A Brazilian kid that like

fucking locked himself in his room and jacked off like 72 times in one day and then his mom like opened the door and he's just dead. He's fucking like pink ass dick. He's like rug burned cock. That shit's hilarious. A true soldier salute.

Have you come... I don't think I've ever come more than like five or six times in a 24 hour window. Oh yeah, I think in middle school I hit seven or eight. And once you start crossing that line... It hurts. Well, it's not that your dick hurts. I mean, you can get through that.

It's like physically exhausted. You have chest pains and shit. And your dick like pumps out a couple dry ones? No, the dry ones kind of hurt. I saw some shit on Reddit that was like... subreddit was, but it was like... it was like

ogrecavins or something. It was like fucking fail basements. It was like a listing of fat guys that are like, check out my setup. You know... Computer room. Somebody had like a computer set up and then on the desk was like a toilet paper roll.

Like the holder. It's tall. Oh my god. The toilet paper roll just sits there. Hell yeah. My man fucking took some power tools to that motherfucker. That's a good setup, dude.

We should celebrate it. But there was one. It was like a schematic of like... design for like, you know, a gaming area. And it was a room you could seal yourself in. Like, you know, like fucking came out like three feet from the wall.

Like a photo booth almost. Whether we're client or chair. Or something that attached to the guy's dick in the drawing. It just said urine collector slash ejaculate. No, no. What the fuck.

This thing you just piss in the comments. He likes to game that much. Big fat guy. Oh my god. Yeah, that shit made me laugh. Do people game in diapers? That is tragic, dude. Do people get dived up to games?

It's not a thing to beat off in peace. But it's just like the idea that like, cause imagine if you find the off chance he meets some like, 80 pound blue hair woman. She's the kind of woman that fucks a guy like that. And she comes over and sees the dick-sucking machine. She's like, never mind.

I'm going home. I think I could stay here. And then he just fucking blew his only shot to fucking get a nut off with somebody other than himself. Would she? Yeah, dude. Fuck that, dude. They're gonna get those fucking...

Well, that's exactly like I expanded. Like it's one thing to every once in a while piss in a Gatorade bottle, but to fucking plan it out is wild, dude. Although I've never beat off into a Gatorade bottle. No.

No, I can't say I have either. I can't say that I have. Okay, how about this? Where's the strangest place you've beat off into? I jacked off into the woods one time. That's good. Into the woods? Well, I was in the woods. To the plague? I was walking around in the woods and I was like,

I could just jack off out here. Yeah, that's what the woods are for. I used to beat off... I mean, this isn't super strange. I did it while driving. I was like speeding. I've beat off one time. I was speeding and I was like, I should jack off right now and I jacked off. Just nut it all over the steering wheel.

Were you turned on by the horsepower? No, it was just like a funny thing to do. I went on a run from like, I'd say about 16 to maybe 19 where I felt like at first I thought it was funny and then I had

a compulsive thing where I had to jack off on planes. Really? Yeah. Because I get bored because I fly like cross-country and then when you're like 16 your libido is like super high, like five hours is like a long time to go and not think about jacking off.

So I jacked off. I've jacked off on plenty of planes. I got walked in on one time and I fucking elbowed the door back. It was so scary. I don't think they could tell I was jacking off, but I fucking elbowed the door back. It was this old lady like opening up. They could probably tell because you had your legs

pulled up over your head. And then the old lady goes in there after you. I was after my own dick. I was doing a self-suck in an airplane bathroom. The old lady goes in there after you and starts laughing. I hope no one finds out I do this.

Her old long clit. Do old ladies clits get longer? Yeah. They get, I think, more dignified. That's my opinion. Have you ever seen that picture of that old woman's pussy but if you turn it upside down it's a beautiful young woman's pussy?

It's all that perspective, man. It's optical. Very, very nicely done. That is beautiful. That Picasso, I believe. Greatest painter. Shut up, bitch. It's not?

It's definitely not, isn't it? Picasso's not the best painter of all time. He's really good. Yeah, he's like the most famous one. Banksy. Jim Davis. No, the guy in the family circus. Yeah.

Another gay gym. Does Indian guys in Times Square that'll draw your daughter a big nose? What about those bullshit like spray paint that's the moon but they just sweep your shit? That shit is not cool at all, dude. It's so funny the shit that's like,

I guess, I mean, maybe if, because I do it when I'm out of town, I'll go to like the you know, fucking... Yeah, the touristy place because fuck it, why not? They write your name on rice. Just being tricked. It's so funny. Remember there was a thing where they like make your name

you'd get like a painting or like a frame thing your name out of like dolphins? Do you remember that? You probably did that because you like stuff like that. No, I wasn't into that shit, dude. Daddy, can I get the dolphin name? No. Stop paying crap!

Boy, dolphins, the sharks! I used to always ask my parents this. He got you one with dolphins and then fed it to sharks. He made you watch him destroy it. I just, I'd fucking hurt my balls scratching them just now. So I think we have to end the show.

What do you mean you hurt them? You hurt the actual testicle? Yeah, I scratch too hard. I do that sometimes. I'm sick to my stomach. Sometimes I'll spread my balls out, like real stretch them out and get a nice scratch. Did you ever do that?

You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, I like to put a bunch of those rubber bands you use to keep lobsters from pinching you. I like to hang my, just take clothes pins and put my balls on a line and just let them, you know, really stretch them out until they're translucent.

Me too. And then get a back scratcher. That would actually probably feel really good. I know we're doing bits, but if you were to stretch your nutsack out and then have someone go at it with a back scratcher, that would feel good. And that's the show, everyone.

Thank you.