The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 66 – Oopsadoozio

Episode Date: August 24, 2017

I got so excited about stav being out of town I forgot to upload the episode. (in reality my comptuer did that "windows updating" shit where it decides you don't have any work to do for the next four hours and then windows comes back and it looks like th

get a set the timer for one hour nice that's how we're getting tactical military precision you didn't start wearing tactical gear combat boots a knife attached to my knee the side of my knee oh yeah lower thigh yeah yeah not right and reach of your arm yeah that's cool hmm I think if you just start getting tactical on any product I cut myself accidentally enough that I should be a knife fight guy yeah you've got the fingertips of a knife fighter yeah you clumsy motherfucker I'm not clumsy people interrupt me while I'm working I don't know dude I don't know my father carpenter of 47 years beautiful hands

pristine really pristine hands but his friend costa chopped his whole fucking thumb off my man's got just a round-ass little ass nub no no nail and he basically just cut the nail off so he's got like a thin-ass bulbous little thumb yeah it's about it's bound to happen if you like work with tools long enough eventually you're gonna cut your hands off you're gonna lose your hands your whole hands yeah it's true which is a hundred percent of everyone who's ever been a carpenter and some Jesus died with zero hands yeah we had holes in the middle of my I stand corrected yeah you either either chopped off or you get

little stomata in the middle of it stigmata stigmata stomata stomata with you stoma is mouth in Greek stoma is the when there's like a hole in your fucking throat it's like retarded kids have it sometimes they got really yeah they got an extra fucking thing in their throat because of being retarded there's a punishment the doctors I don't know it's like a breathing tube or something went in there at some point no it's like it's like the input jack on a on a retarded kid when you plug the Nintendo 64 put slim gyms directly into it yeah that's pretty good they should try the top of their brains feeding tubes

you hook you put one tube one that one end of the feeding tube goes into the stoma and then the other end goes into the packet of peanut M&Ms that's that's how you know like the doctor says like ma'am I'm sorry your your kids gonna be retarded and there's nothing we can do about that but we can at least make him big to become the most retarded the world's greatest doctor instead of curing diseases what I make my patients the best at having behold my AIDS patient who is the gayest man in the world I've encouraged this man to be even gayer than he was mm-hmm when he came to me and said please can I have the prep

pill and I gave him Smarties instead I told him it works better and he related without condoms based in my years of research into the mentally disabled you can save money by prescribing candy oh well I used to think like they're like yeah in medical tests that they'll either give you the real drug or a sugar pill or a sugar pill I'm like well wouldn't you know it's a sugar pill based on the fact that it tastes like candy you know but it's I think it's a cap with sugar in it oh it's a cap with sugar I think so although Advil is pretty sweet sometimes I'll really suck on an Advil like it's a lawsuit they put

something on that huh they put something on Advil I think they got a candy shell there's a little candy it's a candy shell which is a strange way to know with medicine it's like there are other medicine that tastes good I mean dime attack the OG of tasting good I used to fucking just guzzle dime dexadrim has a nice post nasal drip it's got kind of like a RNG oh yeah the cough syrup the cough no no no it's a nose spray no dexadrin it's like Adderall really it's like an orange Adderall I've my the Adderall's I have our orange like colored we have capsules with little balls in them oh it kind of tastes like Tang who

they got a little zest in there a little orange zest one time my grandma was babysitting my cousins there's like metamucil above the fridge yeah that just makes you shit they thought it was Tang so they're like grandma we want that Tang and she gave them like that she was just letting them drink a bunch of metamucil oh no and then they yeah they just shit all over the house new people's I feel like I haven't seen metamucil in years I guess I'm not around yeah dude you're not watching daytime TV like you used to be I should start taking metamucil I feel like metamucil my high-protein diet metamucil got replaced

I feel like by the yogurt activity that's true Jamie Lee Curtis just once know everyone know she's shitting about she's shitting good black tibia you know yeah I like to be allowed we get the brothers to eat yogurt we got to get into the brothers market that is the equivalent of Jamie Lee Curtis what do you mean the black-eyed equivalent of Jamie Lee Curtis like well she's active around that eight you know because who's gonna be the black tibia oh this spoke to be smooth Steve Harvey of course yeah yeah not JB Steve Harvey that's great of course yeah but bald Steve Harvey not in the hair days man

Steve looking good dude that's such a good career you just get to fucking to look at the camera when someone says something stupid oh lord from the your time family family huge yeah any guys Steve Harvey's big break that was a great show no was that people would come on and they would do it they would have to learn how to do a thing or something I just remember one where like a guy had to learn how to do that shit where you'd pull a tablecloth whoa all the shit stays on the table whoa that's cool yeah and so they'd like happily me with a professional he taught him how to do it and when we're a guy had to like memorize

pie out to a hundred digits holy fuck and he did it like right on the show that like within they give you a couple weeks here the Harvard man's had an interesting career what is he just hosted yeah just so he hosted the Apollo he hosted the the miss America miss well yes he totally fucked it up yeah there was a Steve Harvey show you know family Steve Harvey show is good me and Jamel talked about that on that on the episode bullet head where you guys were replaced oh yeah yeah when Cedric the entertainer was on Steve Harvey show he was his friend coach Cedric coach said Cedric Cedric the teach said he was the

Jim oh yeah yeah teacher yeah it was Steve Harvey was the prince all right students I know you may know me Cedric the entertainer but I want you to see me as Cedric the teacher tainer this is teach attainment there was a sexy yet and Cedric's Cedric had like he was dating the the secretary at the school yeah she was kind of hot but the very hot one was the principal who was Steve's love interest Steve's apartment on that show was like the same unbelievable the same apartment from like another sitcom I mean it was like you know a lot of the shows share the same set right I feel like it was like good times or like

another one where it was the same layout but good time not good times that's all good times his apartment though it was like the same layout as I think Steve's apartment where you have the kitchen off to the right side yes entrance on the left big-ass living room yeah the big living room it goes deep to yeah like Martin's apartment is a very distinct apartment that's true that's the bedroom was like off into the distance on the left side with that island kitchen and the entrance was on the island kid yeah that's very strange yeah yeah the Jerry Seinfeld out in Ireland Seinfeld another very interesting thing where the

bedroom sort of just the bedroom and a lot of cereals on some behind the bike yeah yeah you see how many see a cereals that motherfucker has yeah it's a lot bro and the computer to the left yeah does he ever jerk off is that ever a part of Seinfeld he's probably yeah there's a master in the contest of course but I mean using the this the computer do we ever see them I might have been pre internet so wait you think that computer was just to play like scrabble you're like back then you use the computer to connect a government super computers that mainframes oh and then it was a hacker yeah

jurid and press women by hacking into DEF CON DEF CON 5 Jerry was getting it in all the time on that you smash it like they just sort of wrote in they're like oh yeah he used to have sex with Elaine yeah yeah yeah I couldn't be a friend of theirs yeah what is this woman it was completely inconceivable I think I just have a platonic female friend I used to love her like I used to wish that of course there he got back with her I used to like pray like they're not good redeemable people though they're both terrible people but like you know she's so they don't deserve happiness I wanted Elaine dude I remember watching

Seinfeld as a kid and being like how the fuck are these Jewish guys dating all these fucking tens is like this is ridiculous Jerry's a millionaire in the show he's a millionaire yeah George is out of work he lives with his parents half the time is George he's a loser he's cuz stands I think he's supposed to be Greek he's Italian no he's not like anyway but then I moved to New York if you want I know Kramer's not Jewish but Michael Richards is and that came out when he screamed the n-word and was racist yeah we found out once and for all that Michael Richards you think if he was jewier he would get away with it what

he isn't Jewish no Michael Richards isn't actually Jewish like when that thing happened probably there is all these like articles that were like Michael Richards is not Jewish oh clear there wasn't a Jewish guy did that yeah I wonder how much and how much hot water a Jew would get for dropping hella n-bomb I think just as much as anyone else Chinese guy we only sort of pretend the Jewish people aren't white I don't like no they're white of course they became white in America yeah I mean they were before they they moved here they weren't white but they're white here that's there they earned they earned their

whiteness their whiteness I mean I just around like I'm like oh like it's different but it's not different dude whatever what's not different what if a Chinese are different what what if a Chinese guy did the Michael Richards would he be in as much trouble a Chinese guy saying the n-word no if Bobby Lee did that people be like yeah but Bobby Lee pulls his dick out and puts it on people's shoulders like Bobby come on yeah I'm screaming racial slurs yeah fat fat Korean guy definitely gets away with it yeah Michael Richards didn't get away with it cuz he's not like really a comic right he's an actor that did

comedy sometimes you're right he's like you do bits where he would smoke cigarettes and lift weights on the Tonight Show really mm-hmm he's pretty good at it I didn't even know what his stand-up was but he's an amazing physical comedian yeah just looking have you ever seen clips of like Seinfeld where they're like three or four takes in and Michael Richards just wants to get through the scene and like some of the laugh or mess up a line and then he's just suddenly not Kramer anymore as soon as they call cut and he's like can we please just get this fucking done this is the most unprofessional shit I've ever seen

and then they're like and actually it's like Jerry I got my balls caught in my zipper whatever is happening with that's a great episode of Seinfeld when he cooked himself on the roof yes when yeah and Newman looks like a fat-ass turkey yeah that's pretty good how did Newman survive in New York City Manhattan he's a male on a male guy's salary you know how much mail carriers make dude they make a lot of money starting salary is like eighty five thousand a year you are starting starting yeah no yeah that's not true no you work you're all all the way up to the top they're making somewhere around like I don't know what's

the top government employee salary is probably one point two million a year that's that's about what was that postmaster general no just regular mail carrier that's rude lady at the factoring in birthday card money oh yeah oh yeah you get you wet the beak off that yeah you open up every birthday card take 20% you go you go oh oopsie Daisy pulling oops and the kids you hold it up to light it's Elmo saying you're five now and you run your keys across the envelope by accident and say oh well this is destroyed I can't deliver this gonna ruin this kid's birthday if he sees this envelope sliced up like this

mm-hmm I'm gonna have to just take the money out of the car continue on my postmaster leeway down the block I would love to be a post office guy there was a story about some guy here some mail carrier here and like some like his boss was in the parking lot and saw his fucking like shitty Nissan or whatever that was just filled with mail and they open an investigation and they go into his apartment and like you just not delivered a single letter for like eight years yeah he just wasn't doing the job at all just why would you keep it burn it you fucking asshole at least go through it

rummage through it for some good shit yeah well that's a more serious crime cuz like they do charge you with that shit cuz it's like super legal they're not just gonna fire you right it's considering like if you don't go through the mail and you're just like yeah I'm fucking lazy I don't want to do the job anymore I'm a horrible gotta pay my rent yeah then you could probably get off let's try it it's the perfect crime get it we set up a fall guy the perfect crime is stealing candy from a baby remember that one you ever hear that expression yeah it'll be like stealing candy from a baby yeah here's why don't

you try this one out folks why don't you go try to steal candy from a baby and see what happens how hard is it right yeah yeah that probably isn't that easy at all that's so true the easiest crime is downloading child pornography through the door that's what people should say it's like oh yeah making a making a whoa you were gonna sneak into a different movie yeah that'll be easy that'll be like downloading child browser people like what the fuck are you talking like you know like when you like the thing with a baby the candy thing with a baby the new way to say candy from a baby got the expression the candy

baby expression they changed that's so easy it'll be like a piece of cake like downloading videos of children being raped through a PGP encrypted that old expression yeah sure that thing that's so easy do that we all know about two steps well boys I'm this is my farewell this is my friend we're all sad cuz stop's gonna grease tomorrow we're sad sad well we're Adam aren't you sad I said I'm sad I said I'm sad Nick's not Adam's always sad we're also really sad because our favorite sad boy our favorite comedian Jerry Lewis is dead Jerry Lee Lewis Jerry Lee Lewis great balls of fire great balls of fire

speaking of child porn that guy well he fucked his cousin yeah eight-year-old cousin she was eight what was she eight nine and eight years old dude it's not even married his like 14-year-old cousin yeah but they started fucking when she was eight yeah that's when they started dating what a year yeah the courtship started by the time they got married they've been dating for years yeah oh yeah that's right you're not allowed to get away until you know your multiplication table you know the foundation you know what he got to a point where he's like wow I guess she's gonna hit puberty after all put the

knot on this boy I really hated fucking this tit-less midget did he die in that plane crash the big bopper one is big bopper Richie Valens and Elvis yep Elvis died yeah Elvis died and then they replaced them no I was the third guy you're right big bopper Richie Valens I was a buddy Holly Holly that's it the most famous that's crazy that I know that you go but that's when I think of that I think of as the buddy Holly Valens dude buddy Holly was 22 when that plane crashed oh yeah yeah he was one of those prodigy guys are you call him a prodigy his music sucks he could look like a nerd come on dude his music

is good nerdy no he made looking like a weird it's like you have the same hair you're literally dressed like him right now you're wearing a haircut and you look at you're wearing buddy Holly but like a bitch but that are you look like a fat and a fat body Holly he was rail thin so I'm not fat I'm normal no you look like buddy Holly with an Alex Jones body yeah dude Alex Jones is in great shape he is for real my fitness goals dude I'm trying to have that body I'll fuck you up did you see the video of him in Seattle chasing that guy down the street no come here I didn't see it where are you son of a bitch I'll fuck

you up dude he's just on Facebook live raping that guy people even the main stream media keep believing the fake news you step up in this ring dick me down how about you step up once you come on down here dick me off how about you get down this ring dick me down it's summer slam today yeah your marriage is shit dude fuck wrestling if you like wrestling fucking retard well there goes half our fucking I hate this shit dude I really fucking can't stand it you hit it's not every once in a while it's fun to throw it on shot I go to a party and just on the background adult adults it's

if you're too into sure what what wrestling party would you go to if it weren't like other comics you're trying to network with no it's you never go to fun you it's not it's not having fun yes it is going out and hang out with your friend I just think that if you're an adult and you like wrestling you should be in the closet about it I think this whole pride in like you wrestling it's gone a bit too far I will I will agree with you there that's that's all I feel it can be enjoyable every once in a while I think they need to go to kind of party where it's like a fight party or even a rep a paper view

party those are fun parties uh-huh you thought get some wings even I don't care about I got stuck at a WrestleMania party this year and it was just this year let me tell you the clientele at that arena where was it some some guys house in Los Angeles oh you're a guy was a fucking amazing cook though you made great food but everyone there was just an abjack nerd yeah I mean I wouldn't go for straight I listen I'm not going to strain a strange it's like not it's not it should I should know what the fuck oh god never be in a situation where I'm like I don't it's just threw up okay it's gross it happens that's what they

have I'm the asshole for being like it's gross yeah we're talking about something and you're I'm I'm distracted by the oh he's doing it again fuck my ass that's gross just it you just train him to eat the throw up after he throws it up like a dog fuck that's why the most efficient creature they're like the Tesla's of nature no waste yeah they eat their shit they eat their vomit right it's true it's like anytime somebody says perpetual motion machines don't work I say exhibit a dog explain that mr. thermodynamics that's so true mm-hmm that's so fucking true and from now on my name is mr. thermo I'm gonna get

colored contacts dreads ooh some fucking gazelles and cargo shorts oh yes mr. thermo dynamic bucket hat I used to do I used to do these I do stand-up shows at this bar and like Fairfax or somewhere I can't remember where it was yeah front royal almost oh damn is that still Fairfax County I was way to fuck out there yeah I think it was front royal anyway blue iguana that was the name of the bar mm so wherever the fuck blue iguana is I would go do shows there and the manager of the club was this guy who had his head shaved except for like the Chinese yeah hell yeah yeah he was like was he Chinese no he's a white guy

he was like a matrix white guy made a human is like goth girlfriend made industrial music oh yeah showed me he was like I turned my basement into an enchanted forest and he's done all this like set design work to turn his basement like literally into an inch until like there's all these fake trees around like the walls and a fog machine and all these like weird like you know this bio luminescent like it looked like avatar basically damn you think you ever put a loincloth on and fuck his girlfriend I'm sure they did all sorts of weird shit and then he like gave me the CD for his like industrial band with him and his

girlfriend I'm like oh yeah thanks dude I'll totally listen to it and I used to listen to it all the time it was actually pretty good yeah you sound like like any other industrial music you've ever heard I only know nine-inch nails here's a lot who else KM FDM that's a big one I don't know that I never heard that sounds fake sounds like a bunch of letters just Ramstein's like industrial okay yeah I'm steen yeah I only know do Haas yeah that's a slapper yeah do Haas micked yeah that song rules do Haas do Haas is Ramstein how does it go do do Haas do Haas micked to Haas you guys ever listen to that song do you guys

ever catch that song dance with the devil it was like bad bad bad it was like fight fight fight and dance with the devil it was going on it was going on like third grade and like priests would like hold prayer rallies against it like they would like show up and like hold up big-ass cross it sounds like a couple of cocks being triggered to me snowflake a couple of snowflake prees snowflake prees bitch mother power of rams yeah that song is song that was ramp is definite you're a trash like summer dance is that yeah yeah oh yeah I can't wait dude well there's another song dance with the devil which is that guy immortal

technique who has a song about fucking raping your mother where yeah he's trying to get into a gang and then they like have a woman that bullied yeah and Lin-Manuel Miranda he was his bully because immortal technique is the second lamest rapper in the world yeah it was slightly in front of he would how about we redo Hamilton and the only song and the whole thing they keep singing it over and over again is Despacito the Puerto Rican Hamilton I loved it I like that song who's anti-despacito it's whatever come on throw that on get a couple margaritas in the area I'm saying you weren't a white

linen shirt with your it's unbuttoned and it's fucking flowing you've got a beautiful brazilian I love the way your brain works you have something the first reference is the food around it it's a drink but yes of course there's roasted pork there's a roasted pork fucking Cubano sandwich maybe a little or rose corn pollo yeah absolutely you get that corn that corn with the fucking that's despacito that's what Despacito is all about that's how we eat lunch down in Puerto Chico I love that line so much I don't know why it sounds damn I want you to turn it over you go yeah he goes what is how we do it down in

Puerto Rico making the name of your country spicier you know but I say it the way we wow may oh yeah whatever whatever I hear a Spanish person say like yeah my cousin from Miami the yeah yeah well that's stupid I just want to say like come on I'm from LA LA I'm from LA I'm from LA anyway that's despacito boys little fucking German people say German it's not it's not Deutschland what Germany what it's not Deutschland what do you mean they need to say Germany to you if a German person is calling back home in Germany right okay yeah I agree yeah

Deutschland they lost the war they don't get the name the country oh we should change the name that's what I'm saying damn I am gonna get pork rinds now that you say also how they change their name to Dutch land when there's already a Dutch so true yeah well it's just because they smoke duchies do well then you do that here too that's land that's my apartment's name you know because the Dutch don't live in Pennsylvania Dutch the Pennsylvania Dutch or German yeah that's true not even Dutch don't they call regular people English see this is why World War two happened boys because they were so confused about where

they're from how about we start calling them Prussians again oh I like Prussians were Germans yeah yeah wait Prussians and Russians no I was I thought they were confused I thought they were Polish Russians forever not seems like it sounded like it sounded cool the Germans were Prussians Austrians yeah what about Visigoths those were French got yeah it's pretty cool sounding Visigoths yeah dude they were like a hot topic yeah but they have spears and shit my new name is Visigoth thermodynamics that's mr. thermodynamics first name is Visigoth I'll make electronic music no joke Visigoth thermodynamics is like a

fucking I was like earlier today about a woman named genre scenario that's really good have you been a rave before Nick I went to Starscape one time in Baltimore yeah was there like a light show and shit yeah there was a shit dude yeah that's where it sucks everyone would go do actually for the first time at Starscape yeah just like with a lot of bracelets and stuff yeah do you remember when rave culture it was like there were always girls that like would have butterfly wings or like angel wings sure I remember that I didn't go to any fucking thing that was pretty close furry boots that's like the lay

that's the lamest style what's that what is that yeah explain it to the big star dress Adidas tracksuit Indian headdress furry boots yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna make my Instagram me doing the like follow me thing oh yeah yeah that's good you're not cute enough though you're ugly I'm gonna be that I'm gonna be there gonna be the girl no yeah I'm gonna be the girl and then I'm trying to decide what the hand will be probably a hook of some sort yeah just a little midget hand and it's a dark basement there's something better than that I'm trying to

think what would be a good parody of the follow me just a penis maybe yeah just a penis yeah just you don't have to just holding a day you don't have to reinvent the wheel here it's not that complicated what do you mean reinvent the wheel who's done that huh nobody's done that but what I'm saying is when in doubt they don't understand that reinvent the wheel thing that means what do something that's already been done no it means that like you don't go to the fucking original go to the original yes yes it's like downloading it's not film a child pornography we could just download it was the wheel I'm sorry

yeah well that's what I might desire this should be easier this should be as easy as we don't have to oh god we don't have to find producers and craft services and a DP and film child pornography when it's readily available on the dark web fuck yeah yes we'll do both he is kill two children with one dick well do you know that expression too right kill two and kill two kids one dick fuck that is a weird expression though kill two birds with one stone you see how easy stand-up comedy is yeah you just oh yeah this would be killing you see how fucking simple of a stupid bullshit I don't know if it's easy but

it's definitely dumb it's very easy sometimes if you get you can plug into the matrix certain people kill with shit and you're like what am I doing here yeah and then you're like I it almost feels like when when you get a good bit that you're proud of it feels like an accident yeah it's like it's like so many things have aligned where it's like oh people are happen to be laughing at this because I've figured out some other dumb tricks to make them laugh mm-hmm something I actually you know what I love is the comics you see where 90% of the laughter in their set is well that didn't work yeah and then they like just

get they bail on all the jokes and that's why like open my culture though no I don't have to do the clubs really yeah I've seen I guess that didn't work I would love to do 45 minute to go book a club headline right 45 minutes of bad jokes to purposefully bail on them and only have recovery and do do a recovery set just to see if you can sustain it for 45 minutes absolutely not you could not think you get like three or four of those I've watched you do it for how dare you that's rude I know it's rude how dare you I'm a master of stage of last dodge yeah stage for diabetes I just secrete marshmallow marshmallow that

would come in handy you just get a fat guy to sweat when you wanted some fucking toppings mmm something to think about guys topping I was laughing I was laughing thinking about you going back to Greece and it's like funny to think about like all your family is just clones of you but it's even funnier to think about all your cousins are like John Stamos Greek guys yes fucking all of you know what you mean like into rock and roll wearing leather jackets rock and roll Beach Boys kind of a beautiful Jesse is like the gayest television character shit character yeah real cool he's like a four-year-old's idea of what

a cool yeah yeah he impressed a baby yeah that is who I thought was the coolest guy on earth when I was little kid that's why I thought I was like remember I think remember I said I like imagine myself to be much cooler than I was yeah basically thought I was Uncle Jesse when you're a rockabilly you're going you're going but I was channeling Stamos in my head I thought I wanted to be rockabilly I was not our Greek mom's like oh when you're older you'll be like no no he's not funny how I like the children about that kind of shit oh yeah you're going to be so handsome when you're older I just turn into some fat gamer gate

shithead with eyebrow acne no friends yeah you will be such a beautiful you're going to make all the girls go crazy you're gonna be a heartbreaker why do we say that is a positive thing you know heartbreaker heartbreaker you know what they should as an anus breaker sphincter yeah yeah what was I saying about John Stamos or whatever oh yeah I thought it was cool as shit but yeah you're right it's what a baby thinks is tight apparently he's still touring with the Beach Boys John Stamos yeah my man Tony Danza works a booth at the San Gennaro festival every year in New York yeah I want to go to Danza what other

San Gennaro festival is there other than the one in Little Italy yeah the two block area that is known as little over by the Chinese yeah that's revenge you want to talk about everything Marco Polo stole yeah it was low main before it was spaghetti you fucking spaghetti and they stole little Italy paper money gunpowder the Chinese invented fucking everything you know what if Chinese people made pizza they did it would be scandals they did dude is that yes pizza was it was Chinese and then fucking Marco Polo brought that shit back what a fucking hack yeah dude the Italians have zero culture they stole

it all from the Chinese issue they've stolen everything they stole our shit the Romans just took life basically they just renamed our gods you couldn't even keep the same names you fucking pricks the Chinese the Chinese had the best culture like a thousand years ago and then they reached the pinnacle and they were like you know we don't need culture anymore we're just gonna smoke cigarettes and spit billion of us you know we're like minions we're gonna work really really hard yeah completely replaceable yeah interchangeable ones named Bob that's all my minion knowledge oh I thought you meant there was a

Chinese guy named Bob I'm sure there is Bob Evans you ever go that restaurant he's Chinese yeah it's a Chinese guy I didn't even know that isn't that Canadian what's the Canadian place that they all talk about hordes hordes Tim hordes that's I like that she's have like a vague general contractor name just the guy a restaurant and name it after my entire name yeah we're making a special place yeah fuck hort fuck Tim Horton and his bullshit doughnuts it's a doughnut store yeah it's like a coffee doughnut joint Tim Hortons isn't bad I've never been it's all a ham and cheese sandwich I've never been a candidate me that's

right I forgot that I'm the only one that's done JFL new faces oh yeah yeah that is true man it feels so great to be from my week up in up in Canada that's how they say it there oh really that's how they say Montreal they go ciao welcome to Canada to Canada yeah well Italian Canada oh you know there's an Italian so Quebec is the French Quebec is a French one Alberto is the bird it's right under Alberta that's the Italian part of Canada never Alberto Canada whoa mama me a very nice hey we did this already we literally did about the phone yeah yeah I got could maple syrup on my cannoli fuck we should go back we go back to Pavone

episode in cities from Alberta okay yeah yeah that would have been a great from China just just I love China da well on our weekly re-listen of every single episode which we do every week we'll just be back go in there and edit from now on I talk like this on a show okay thank you for listening to jump down you tell us about like your ideal like date you would say girl that's a different guy no this is this is just a like a space guy oh you're from each Ali you know before anyone of the the spice your European country any one of them the the countries they love dancing and raping in Europe one of the

rapier the black silk shirt countries disgusting countries from the south of Europe yeah instead of the good northern ones that embrace their deals like car bombing each other and way too many children yeah and modern furniture yeah yeah oh the Danes oh love them dude I tell you those Danes tremendous respect for the day that that I if I could have been born into a credenza family oh yeah Danish credenza making family oh I would be born happy oh I would have lived a better life you have cutting tambour doors all day long just just a smiling man apartment full of mid-century modern furniture yeah and a loving family and

just going waking up every morning to a cuckoo clock putting on my clogs go into the docking and uncomfortably to the bathroom where I remove the clogs and pull millions of splinters out of my face I take a nice long hot bath and a claw foot presumably yeah sure I scrub myself with a piece of cinder block think that they do that they drink like nine cups of coffee a day yeah I already do that you ready coffee for a week and then I ended up doing cocaine at the end of the week so I thought why don't I drink the coffee not do not not have a cocaine blowout you did it you did good dollar cocaine party damn I wanted I

wanted I wanted to get yate out of that wedding we can't we've been keeping the cocaine from you what we're worried about you that's not fair yeah you and your coke habit yeah guys I don't have a problem I'll be honest for years I've been trying to fatten you up because I thought we were gonna start a bobsled team it's true why are bobsled guys fatter they are why aren't bombs then guys ever watched professional bobsleding are they fat guys you're tainted by cool running so all morbidly you know they're not actually morbidly obese they're all they're like insanely jacked yeah they're like bobsled guys

are huge yeah well most athletes are that's weird isn't it that people are doing oh these Olympic athletes are in great shape yeah not like you know shot put guys are fat yes it's a fat sport yeah very fat sport it is why isn't bobsled fat it's a guy at the bottom yeah that guy at the top the way you down and skiing should be fat I feel like being fat because you go faster why don't they have a short center gravity oh I would love a fat olympics I would be I would be great at it I'm surprised Lindy hasn't already called for fat olympics Lindy Vaughn yeah Lindy Vaughn that's who I meant Lindy there's a

place in New York called Lindy's cheesecakes it's very funny to me for no reason in particular guys just something we find funny right we didn't do a nap because we said people's names that's why I'm just I don't even I've never famous I'm just covering it right for the New York Times op-ed page they fired a bunch of people to make room for did you read that thing she wrote in the New York Times op-ed which her first one that was about how we need to get rid of freedom of speech yeah and yell her order louder yeah whatever I should be allowed to use the microphones at Wendy's I mean Trump is like whatever

about the media but if there's anything like the New York Times op-ed pages it has just gone on it's mentally retarded it's just the dumbest people I told you that there was a thing about Despacito being a song for Trump's America this beautiful multicultural song what a beautiful example of integration and culture yeah it's like this dumb song that's about being let's I'm gonna fuck you slowly on the beach this song about people getting cream-pied yeah it's a song about drugging women's drinks yeah how many people have gotten herpes to that song that's the song that's this song about let's count them uno dos

trace mambo number five now there that's a great multicultural song it's a German guy doing the Mamba Italian yeah black German black German Rita that's that sounds like a trans woman for sure names in the beginning those are all trans women every single woman that's what you don't know about Lou Lou Vega Lou Vega come on man don't disrespect Vega I'll disrespect I had that damn please I had that whole CD yeah I bought the whole yeah wow you had the whole CD yeah instead of the single bitch it would be worse if you had the single people got singles we were children no they don't act like you were above you know I'm

CD is kind of a waste of memory that would be yeah but you had fucking mambo number five on on 45 didn't have a fucking single no never bought a single or no how about this did they make singles on CD no they didn't yes they did you fucking ask like rate like 45 boy is mine single as a single the Maya and yes no shit yes I did I had what else did I have and you know what they put a lot of remixes on there so you get like it's a single but there's like six tracks a couple other singles you know yeah we were on a fixed income you know I only had so much money to buy CDs so my mom's like get anything under

like five bucks this the singles so you can only afford the two singles were cheaper than the full of course of course he's thinking of the music that would come in the soda cups at McDonald's those are that's what you think that would come into it yeah they said those like soda caps that had the like mini mp3 discs in them like Burger King or something no I don't remember that that was a promotion for a while that's cool though yeah they had like it was only talking about the lids of the soda yeah they would have a McDonald I never got that shit I would never go to McDonald's but they had oh mr. Fancy

yeah dude I fucking ate right I was doing lean gains when I was fucking great oh what do I wish I'm going to Amsterdam tomorrow and then Greece for two weeks wait you're gonna Amsterdam on the way there I'm going to Amsterdam for a couple days just to legalize it for a couple days what are you gonna do just smoke weed I don't know I haven't figured out I feel like going somewhere and then smoking a lot of weed ruins the trip well don't buy a prostitute because then you'll be a hypocrite for all the shit you talked to Adam I'm not gonna buy a prostitute probably although if you know if someone why wouldn't you buy

a prostitute if someone has their own if their sex traffic from Russia what if they're not traffic in Amsterdam and they're protected sex traffic from Belarus if they're having a nice time you know aren't they protected by the government having a nice time having sex how dare you dude it's a very sensual experience to have sex can you pay a prostitute just to eat their pussy yeah do you want to eat a prostitute yeah I'd like that scene in in theory in a cowboy this is a midnight cowboy eldest used to play that over and over again it's so weird to me that the guy was paying yes paying him to suck his dick

to suck his dick at that point what are you even mad about although he did short him he didn't pay him he didn't pay him and he should have beat him up but he's still got the blow job yeah but from that little Rick Moranis looking motherfuckers Rick Moranis remember my doppelganger Rick Moranis he's the thing in a vacuum I would pay to eat a prostitute's pussy but I feel like that's a you know that's a high-risk pussy to eat how about Dick Horanis Greg Horanis is good yeah that's his name wait you say Greg Luganis honey I fucked the kids there we go Dick Horanis very very nice national

lampoons honey I fucked the kids hey national slam poons did Rick Moranis retired from acting yeah I think you're tired yeah his wife died and he bitched out yeah yeah like I'm too much of a pussy to make you you didn't give her as that real talk yeah tough love oh yeah I'm gonna pull any punches here Rick I'm Rick goddamn it we need to see tiny kids yeah make them fight bugs and stuff that's what America needs right now Donald Trump's I'm surprised they haven't fucking tried to reboot those movies those were honey I shrunk the kids yeah yeah they were great fucking everything they should make

an all-female version of honey I shrunk two moms let's do Leslie Jones you super mom and she's like I know your ass didn't make the kids small and then the other Leslie Jones like I'm a nerd I'm doing damn experiments on the children go down to the small level and they're all living in Melissa McCarthy's ass giant ass and they're all there's a bunch of little Leslie Joneses hmm they're like where my juice box you know I'm five where my lunchables that that's good man yeah write that up I will dude and everyone's gonna get mad you can't do an all-girl reboot of honey I shrunk the kids I suggest you watch hell yeah bro

well I won't buy a prostitute but I'm gonna I think I'm gonna ride a bike and you know on some beautiful flower fields is there a type of Amsterdam cuisine I should have a falafel oh I'm sure I'm falafel DC DC very nice um yeah there's I mean I don't know the Dutch aren't known I'm gonna go protest I'm gonna go pro I'm gonna go protest the propaganda museum they have there and Frank yes Frank yep perpetrating a lie you don't think that she was actually in the attic or what's the lie she never existed bro apparently didn't they say that you she didn't get ratted out like dude false flag huh I don't fucking know

whatever are you gonna go to the Heineken factory hell yeah that's what the whole point of the trip get a heiny dude remember those Austin powers don't touch my heiny commercials yeah that's why I'm taking this trip I love those two Asian girls in Austin powers to fuck me and fuck you yeah dude Mike Myers baby I mean so me a lot of vagina but that was a parody of like the James Bond shit yeah it's not like fucking Mike Myers being like you'd be funny as if the girls name sounded like pussy right right right right fuck me is there's

really nothing there there's no other level there that shit's hilarious hmm I love the joke about his penis pump it's a good joke remember that oh that they that when he gets unfrozen they try and he's like that's not mine and he's like here how about this this book I thought it was funny that he had to pee like he had a really long pee I thought that was yeah that's funny yeah yeah I want to rewatch those movies they're bad they're really bad yeah but if you do enough drugs actually Nick didn't we watch that at Georgia's house I know we watched I was watching bullshit I don't remember what we watched two straight buds I just

remember that like divorced guy coming in this Greek and George's dad was running basically a halfway home for fucking divorced Greek men there's some guy just barged in it like it was like 1 a.m. we've been eating pizza again high all night and he's reading like the terms of his like divorce subpoena his friend over the phone I don't know he's a yelling in Greek yeah I have no idea what it's all Greek to me yeah he yeah what's that expression it's all great to me it's all regular porn to me dog you don't happen to this guy don't get it his wife went on vacation and a retired Greek basketball player who had

just went to that island to fish and live out the rest of his days yeah cucked his wife or fucked him yeah fuck his wife and then she was just like I'm gonna stay here and keep fucking this guy did his wife look good I never saw her but the guy was you know I don't know it sounds like a really bad guy to me yeah if you ask me that's not a way a guy should be talking thank you Federico you're welcome how are you doing today I'm how is your job do this for the next 15 podcast episodes and see how long it takes before people you said that you get new listeners mmm and then they think that there is just a

guy to talk like this on the show wow that'll be a good trick yeah that's my plan boys mmm wow smart this is a smart trick hey John Depot so yeah so then Amsterdam and then I'm going to to Greece a couple weeks it turns out my family invented child porn and what's that expression mean yeah what is that all about my wife well turns out my family you got a bad turns out my family that child porn takes one to no one yeah so I don't fucking I'm gonna go to science I'm gonna get tan that would have been a fun tweet during the Jared thing yeah to everyone calling subway Jared a pedophile

takes one to no one that even mean takes one to know that is legitimately a stupid that's like a smelted Delta yeah that is very dumb yeah but it's kind of hard to actually shit I'm gonna put that my SNL packet it's a defense attorney ladies and gentlemen of the jury before you convict my client of being a pedophile I remind you that it takes one to no one well I was right order order in the courtroom I actually don't know what a pedophile is I myself as a judge I've never even heard of such thing so case dismissed hell yeah bro that's a good

sketch that should get you on that could get you on SNL I think we should all gotta prepare some of my characters for Lauren oh yeah you're too ugly for Lauren dude he likes cute boys yeah does he John Balani's cute John Balani was never on camera yeah but he liked him and they tried to a whole sitcom with them tried to a whole sitcom with him what about you know all those handsome guys you know that's why I'm not on Bobby morning yeah shit that's good whoa John just some shots of John Balani John Balani John Balani hmm I haven't seen John Balani stand up in a long time I call him John Balush Balush shit

bull bull bull bull shit yeah John Baloo shit I think that guy's coming with blue she was out was an Albanian yes unfortunately he was Albanian was a little bit of love how he was fat he was considered fat and he's just a regular guy by today's yeah no he's fat you're a fucking morpid no dude I am not clearly a fat he's not bad he was a fat drug addict which is not that which is always a very cool I'm gonna pull up a picture I bet you's not that fat hey man Farley we're both fat I know he looks like he's not that fat compared to what we got going on today he's got to be at least 30% body fat

that's fat this guy's not that fat bro it's fucking fat look at me I'm a human zit it's got you can see his whole neck it's not a fact I always think it's cool if you could be fat and say about it yeah I can fat guys they got a big fat neck and it's like how do you see what he's just shave dad you just continue shaving it like a face we don't flip the razor yeah you just get old and stretch out your right he do you I think so is that what you do no I don't have that situation you don't have to have a big fat neck thank you have an enormous snack it's not that big you can't grow hair on your face I have hair I shaved

today you guys ever fuck with electric razor sometimes no I do all three it you do all thing with the little holes in it where you just rub your face yeah yeah that shit hurts dude I don't know I mean I I'll go literally like years without actually shaving my face all the way I just use clippers and I keep like stubble on my face I like a nice clean shave for a formal occasion I don't know what time my friends my friend actually if you don't shave your face all the way all the time it feels fucking weird when you start doing it again one time my friend's mom I was over at my friend's house and his mom said Matt I got you I

got you clippers for your fashion stubble punch him in the face it was one of the most embarrassing things I've ever seen fashion stuff yeah for your fashion stubble what a what a gay yeah thing to have yeah yeah no we definitely we made a lot of fun of him man I got you penis cream for your small penis that was hell yeah mom you're embarrassing me in front of the fashion boys for your fashion stubble come down after dark we're silly after dark I'm tired dude I am tired from doing drywall all day yeah I got to say from being

construction boys yeah I've been construction this whole week basically hats off to the people in the construction industry you mean me it's not your job yes it is no it's not you're a podcaster and you live in Brooklyn yes it's my job what it's my job your construction I'm sorry that's my job did oh really we should all get new jobs like oh man I try to there's a story about somebody I know where they were saying that's my job and it was some fuck I can't remember the context it was so funny this is the strangest memory to have the job oh yeah this is my old roommate used to be the manager of our

apartment complex and our friend who lived there she was dating some guy like who like yelled at her or something or whatever and he's like yeah he's not allowed at this apartment complex anymore so I see him around here I'm gonna kick his ass and you know she was like yeah don't do that or whatever he's like it's my job it's my job that is literally my job yeah they have at will calls to beat up whoever they choose sign leases and threaten people who come on to the apartment complex property that guy's hilarious last time I was down there he was always like fucking just stealing money from the apartment

complex for dump bullshit like he would like expense you buy all these tools on the company credit card but for himself and he wasn't the maintenance guy like we had a maintenance guy he's just like want tools for himself so you buy him and I was last time I was there he had a fucking he had like a like a power rack mounted outside with bumper plates like fucking at least $1,500 worth of exercise equipment but it was mounted into the fucking concrete in like the mailbox area at the exterior of the bill so not in like the extra yeah not then not in the exercise area and it's like no one's using that but him right

right next to his apartment that rules man what a lunatic I love just anyone who could just abuse the system like that yeah well that's the end of the episode you guys plug the show I'm not gonna be here