The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 67 – Los Secundos Episada De Hake FLorjes

Episode Date: August 31, 2017

Comedieja Jake Flores rejundo de ninos del Coume para un hora de chatasa abooto el meurto unfortunada de Rich Piana. Por que Rich muerta? Esta becasa he tengo steroids? No se. Esta becasa Rich viva la vida loca.

Let's get ready to rumble, sports fans, you're listening to the number one MMA podcast hosted by comedians that only do bicep curls. I've taken one adult karate class and now I've convinced myself that I am a mixed martial artist expert. And the source for UFC News is my comedy podcast where I occasionally say the n-word. Problem? Yeah, well, if you got a problem, take it up with the logo of the show, which is Calvin pissing on himself.

Calvin pissing on his own career. He's pissing up in the air and then it's coming back down into his own mouth and it's like a Joe Rogan blow your mind. My bad ass edgy New York comedian podcast for the logo is Calvin pissing gasoline onto a bridge, expand your mind. What age is it where you become a UFC expert? I believe it's when you turn 30 exactly, is that like a NW five male pattern baldness hair pattern?

You have to be at that level and you're like, well, my testosterone's peaking because my fucking leptin sensitivity is all fucked up and my body shit. I'm a fighter now. I could have been. I didn't do any of the karate when I was younger because now I'm an older guy. I imagine myself as like a sort of a trainer type to these young men who want nothing to do with me. With like basketball and shit, it's like people that used to play the actual sport,

but like UFC has been around for like 10 years or some shit. Right. So it's just Joe Rogan. Yeah. For no reason. Well, Joe Rogan did karate. Yeah. Yeah.

Karate's bullshit. Is it? Yeah. Karate is just a general term for fighting. Is it? It's a mixed general term for fighting. So any fight is karate. You get to fight with somebody at a bar.

You're like, Hey man, let's not, you don't want me to do karate at you right now. That's how you. Yeah. Kind of. Here's, here's a good one to stump pretty much any, any mixed martial artist. Ask him karate. Is that Chinese or Japanese and they can't tell you what's all racist white guys. Yeah.

They don't know. No one knows what karate. They're like white geese and shit and standing like very like centered and shit. Kung Fu. Now that's Chinese. Yeah. Kung Fu is Chinese. Karate actually was Italian.

It came over with Marco Polo. They gave him spaghetti and he gave them karate. Karate. Karate. Yeah. Yeah. I thought I'd buy it. So.

Where did that game Marco Polo? Who came up with that? The guy Marco Polo. He was a huge. That's how. You're going to have to do better than that for that bit Adam. You're going to have to come up with a better, funnier answer than Marco Polo is who came up with Marco Polo.

It's not funny. It's just the facts, man. And that's what this show is all about today. I was about to jump on that bit and it's going nowhere. Go ahead. Jump on him. We got time to kill brother. I don't know.

Something about how he was like he was going into the sea playing Marco Polo and then you see where I'm going here. It's not good. It itself is. It is like Marco Polo. If you think about it, Joe Logan mind explosion. I hope this thing doesn't run out of fucking batteries while we're doing this. I don't know.

I misplaced. I use. Here's this. I don't want to go too far into because we've got the tech stuff coming up later. But I use Panasonic Enlupro rechargeable batteries and I misplaced the batteries. So down to one set. I don't know what happened on my batteries. You think I took them or something?

I mean, why'd you look at me that way? You look at Adam like that because I mean, if someone is sticky fingers, we got somebody that likes taking things that don't belong to him. I liked it. Like what? Whatever. The West Bank, for example, I didn't take that culturally. That's your people's fault.

But yeah, so we're down to one bar in the battery, if the battery dies, you know, we'll do the rest of the show whenever I can go pick up more battery. Has one bar ever lasted us an hour? Sometimes. I mean, the fucking, it's not very accurate. Okay. Yeah. All right.

So I don't know. What we neglected to speak about on the last one, Rich Piana. Rest in peace. Dead. At the natural death age of 46 years old, when most people die, cause of death, haircut. Getting his haircut by his girlfriend. You always want to go to a salon. You know, if you let some dumb bitch cut your hair wrong, boom.

Your brain explodes from an opioid and steroid cocktail. Jake, do you know who Rich Piana is? No, I thought his name was Piano when I read the thing. His butt is a weightlifter, right? Yeah. His bodybuilder. I don't know anything other than I Googled him when I, when I looked at the show map we're using.

Yeah. He's like a big, swole, weird tattoo. Oh, you didn't even know about that until I handed you this piece of paper. No, but I put it together because I heard somebody talk about him a couple of days ago. So I kind of got a big cursor understanding. He's like an internet moron. Yeah. You could call him that.

Okay. I guess. Is he cool? He's cool. An Italian jet. No, he's funny to laugh at. Okay. That's what I thought.

And now people are trying to be like, come on. He's dead. He just makes it funny. This is a guy you've been saying for years is like, this guy's going to die. Yeah. Right. Like why? Right.

Why is it when like son of you dies or like for real though, he did some good things. Yeah. Right. Like when Blake Midget dies, I'm not going to be like, oh, what a tragedy. It's going to be like, Blake did it guys. Blake did the thing he was desperately trying to do for years. He died in a, in a, in a sleeve cutting off accident. He tried to cut his sleeves.

He spliced his a-word. He spliced into his own heart. Damn. Ah, shit. Can somebody drive me to the hospital? I cut my, I've tried, I tried to cut my sleeves off while I was bartending and I cut off my fucking arm. Yeah.

I was using a broker. I smashed a beer bottle over my head and I was using a broken glass to cut my own arms off and then I got to get back in shape. You told me one time, the way to do it to Blake Midget impression is just gay Duke Nukem. Yeah. Think about it all the time. Right.

It's just a octave higher. I'm going to rip off your balls and suck off your dick. Oh man. I'll be here to suck dick and chew bubble gum and I'm all out of gum. Yeah. So what's up with this rich piano? So yeah, he died while he was getting a haircut from his girlfriend, as Nick just said. How'd he really die?

From drugs. He's been doing steroids since he was 16, so 30 years of steroid use. His mom was a bodybuilder. So he's like some, you know, I guess Italian kid that just is in love with his mom, likes to have sex with his mom, typical Italian tradition and then became a bodybuilder immediately. I guess age eight is when he got started and then the thing I don't understand is by using steroids when you're 16 is like, aren't you like, I just remember being 16 and all I could do was jack off.

You have so many hormones in you, you have to come them onto your mom's carpet in your apartment immediately, all the time, every day after school. You can't help but get rid of all the extra testosterone. Why are you doing steroids? Just eat your own cum. Just to have your cum fill the syringe with it and inject your own cum into your muscles. Yeah. You know who eats their own cum?

Who? Chris Chan. Who? Sonichu. Oh. You referenced him earlier. I don't know his real name. Oh, okay.

You're just trying to be cool. Why would I know his real name? I mean, if you know- Sonichu. No, his name is Chris Chan. Sonichu is the thing he created, quote unquote created. It's weird though to be like my friend Chris. You might know him as Sonichu, but we're, you know, in real life, we're pals. No, if he said Chris, if he said Chris- We are come together, we're both like eating

cum. I'm Nick Mullin. I like eating cum. That's not what I said. That's what he said. If I said Christian Weston Chandler, it wouldn't be weird to mention. You should know that before you know Sonichu. Sonichu is the thing that he did.

Okay. You know? So he eats his own cum. It'd be like if you called Walt Disney Mickey Mouse. What? Maybe I do. Yeah. How about that, huh?

You know, Mickey Mouse really hated the Jews. See, you wrote all these articles about how much he hated the Jews. Blood and soil! It's like, no, you mean Walt Disney, and you're like, who's Walt Disney? He's like, Walt Disney is the man that drew Mickey Mouse, and you're like, no, I'm pretty sure it was Mickey Mouse. No, it was Mickey Mouse though. Yeah.

Yeah, you're wrong. I'm right. Yeah. I do like that Mickey, all those, all those like cartoon characters just started off as like, you know, it's blackface for children. Yeah. No, for real, that's why Mickey Mouse has those big gloves. Oh, of course.

It's like straight up just black. Yeah. If you go look at any old cartoon, it's like, is that a bear? It's like a monkey bear that's working in a field and crying. You're like, oh, never mind. I know what that is. Like those old like black and white cartoons are the cows that just dance all robotically and shit.

They're just making fun of black people like sharecroppers and shit. Cow skeleton. Um, yeah. So Rich Peon died. Mickey Mouse died. That's in the news. Another thing, Amazon lowering Whole Foods prices. What's the play here?

Oh. Oh, yeah, business. We talked about this last time. What's the play? What are they thinking? We're smart money moving on this. I'm Cosmo Kramer, and this is Money Madness. You're watching Money House on CNN with John Kramer with Kramer versus Kramer where I make

one bet and then a clone of myself makes another Kramer versus Kramer is just like two guys yelling the N word at each other. Yeah. Kramer versus, you know, that would be the funnier way to title that video. Amazon is just trying to corner the market on like selling food, right? Yeah. Isn't that what's going on? Yeah.

Prices so that everyone continues to shop at you that way you can fucking... But what's the play? What's the play? What's the play? What's the play? Okay. What's smart money doing on this play? Are they gonna, are you think other tech, like you think Uber is gonna buy like C-Town?

I think, I think what Uber should do, Uber should raise Lyft's prices to make themselves look better. That's a good, that's a smart play. Yeah. Was anyone ever done that? I think that's the play. I think that's the play in that situation. But what's the play with Amazon?

What's the play? Local news story. We got a dog that bought a cheeseburger for its own. That's adorable, isn't it? An 80-year-old woman, she's got a dog Bobo. It went down. Folks, she was hungry. It went down to the local Popeyes, bought her a cheeseburger.

They sell them. Isn't it heartwarming? Sure. Another story. We got a third grader who's opening up a different kind of lemonade stand. His secret? It's his own piss. Did you just make up the news for this?

I mean, they could be real. Rich Peon is real. Rich Peon is real. Yeah. I'm just trying to do as close of an approximation to local news as I can. Sure. So the child is selling piss. Yeah, it's a grandma.

She's making, she's knitting lunchboxes for homeless people. Isn't that sweet? Coming up at 11, a local toddler is missing, presumed raped and murdered. You're watching W9USA Cleveland, that's the annual hot air balloon festival. We've got an eclectic bunch down here. Meet the third grade teacher that's created her own hot air balloon with her class. And then after that, a local mother was dragged behind an Arby's and fucked to death by a gang of racist Puerto Ricans.

And this is the local news. And then coming up later, are solo cups killing your entire family? Have you touched a solo cup in the last six months? Well, get ready for dick cancer because it's going to happen. That's it. I don't know if there's other news going on. I guess North Korea fired another missile. Yeah.

Oh man, what's wrong with those folks up there in North Korea? We just got it. It's J, straight over Japan. Japan, yeah. And they were getting their Gundams ready. Here's my hot take. Why is that our problem? Why do we have to deal with that?

That seems like balls in Japan's court on this one. Now I know we took away their military, but they are pretty good at sexually assaulting people and they have a history of doing that in Korea. So why don't the Japanese go over there and turn them all into sex slaves again like they did in the olden days? You know? Yeah, for sure, man. I agree.

They can go over there and attack them with anime and use panties and shit, you know, throw all their Japanese shit at them. My favorite is that Japanese anti-rape device that's just, it turns you into a vending machine. So if a man's chasing you around the streets, you can go around the corner and just deploy a vending machine disguise over your body and he's like, wow, where's that girl I was going to rape? Yeah, but then he uses it. Right.

He's like, yeah, wow, I'm thirsty from trying to chase that girl to rape her. Time for an ice cold sprite to quench my thirst just like Kobe Bryant, another fellow rapist would drink. A legend. Well, legend. A legend. What's the story with that? I think it's a legend.

A legendary rapist. I like that better. A legend rapist. Yeah. A legendary, like the journalist who just doesn't know words. Every rapist, allegedly, hi, and my name is Johnny Local and I'm the local news journalist that doesn't know how to read and I say things wrong. Yeah, and then they go to use the vending machine and, you know, these buttons don't

work. Oh, the girl's in here. Yeah. What a funny ending to that story. And then the crazy... And then the sexual rape of the vending machine itself because they're fetishists. They're a higher... Is that statistically accurate?

There's a higher degree of rape in Japan? No, Sweden. And the only reason for that? Sweden has the highest... Sweden has this thing where, like, their definition of rape is like looking at a woman. Right, exactly. If you don't hold the door for a woman, it's rape. And then if you hold the door too long, oh, you better believe that's rape.

That's rape. That's a... That's a rape. That's a paddling. You cut. You better believe you cut. Oh, Jasper, classic Simpsons, God damn it. What a great show.

Hey, you know, I mean, I listen to this fucking podcast. I don't subscribe, but I listen to this. I listen to you tell my stories all the fucking time on this. No, hold on. What do you mean you listen to it, but you don't subscribe? You don't subscribe. Well, I don't pay for... Which means you do more work.

You manually go and download the episode every week. I listen to the free feed. I don't listen to the paid feed. Oh, so you subscribe on iTunes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Okay, what is Nick doing? But I've heard you tell my own fucking stories on this, so that means I should be able to

steal from the Simpsons. What stories of yours have I told you? The meat truck story? Yeah, but I prefaced that as like, yeah, this thing happened with Jake one time. It's not like I said... You prefaced it with I am stealing a story from Jake right now. I think that counts as stealing. No, it doesn't.

Yeah, at least I give credit, Adam. It's all right. What do you mean? Adam pretending like he doesn't remember where he heard things. You remember a tidbit about every town so you can fuck Chinese girls? Oh, you're from Zhangzhu province? Isn't that where they make the batteries in the Samsung Galaxy? Well, how do you know that?

You're so smart. Thank you. And then Adam's like, you know, you know what I was thinking about? There's seven dirty words you can't say on television. This is an original Adam Friedland bit. I don't know if I've heard it. Oh, man. Dude, I fucking heard it like a few years ago when like shitty dudes all loved Louie CK.

Yeah. I would just hear like shitty dudes out. If that's there's one thing we can't stand on this podcast. Garbage. No, I mean like it's piss, baby. Garbage fire. Literally. Garbage.

No damn. Well, I don't mean that shit. I'm not like a fucking. Hey, dude. Listen up, dude. Wake. Can we talk about dudes for a second? Dude, bros.

Morbidly obese woman here. Don Beth Shannon custard here. Yeah. But that bar we do the shows that they have those rules posted in the bathroom. Yeah. The bathroom is it's no racism. No transphobia. No homophobia.

I love that. Transphobia got bumped up to number two. Well, after racism. Well, it's because of the. Yeah. Also, those are the rules for the bar for the bathroom. It's just the bathroom. No.

Yeah. What if that's just how I have to shit? I have to say the n word to get it all out. And then the last rule is fiber for me is racism. The last rule is no bullshit. Yeah. And absolutely no bullshit. Following a list of a bunch of things I consider to be complete bullshit.

Yeah. What is how do you even go do transphobia in a bar? Well, the bartender is trans at that point. What does that mean? Not tipping the bartender or just calling her sir or something. Yeah. That would be pretty funny. Excuse me.

The man who is bartending. Sir. Pardon me, gentlemen. Can I have a bloody Mario? Excuse your man. That's funny. It's a man's name. A bloody Marty.

Hey fella. Hey pal. I remember when it used to be the only let men bartend. Just some old old guy that hates women. It doesn't realize that's a trans person. Yeah. That would be a fun guy to be in real life. Yeah.

That would be a blast. Yeah. Yeah. Just listen to Sinatra be mean to trans women. While trying to talk. I mean, you got to think of this. Got to be old people that just have no idea what trans people are. It just doesn't like can't comprehend that a person would change gender.

They'd be like, what's wrong with that dame? Why is she six foot five? Yeah. They're making them tall now. Maybe it's my osteoporosis. I'm four seven. I don't know. Hey, suck my dick.

You know, like they're also attracted to them kind of, but they don't understand it. That's real. That's real. There's old fucking morons like that. Yeah. Old people are dumb as fuck, man. Yeah, they are. Sounds a little ageist to me.

Yeah. I think they're wise. Yeah. Excuse me, you're being ageist. That's the dumbest. No ageism in my bathroom. They didn't say no ageism in the bathroom. You're allowed to be ageist.

Yeah. At that bar. What is the goal? Pardon me old cunt. Pardon me old cunt. Tell me what like to pretend like time doesn't exist. I think that it's like cause people get fired from their jobs for being too old or something. Yeah, they should.

I agree. They've had the job for a long time. They've had plenty of opportunity to save money. It's the end of your life. It's gonna suck anyways. You're gonna fucking get cancer and all your friends are gonna die. Like you don't need to be pretending to smile at people at Walmart. Hire someone that needs the job.

Yeah, I agree. Like a baby. Like a baby. Babies need work. We should replace all of the Amazon drones with infants. Yeah. You know? That way you don't have to fuck those drones anymore.

You can finally get what you want. Prime now. Amazon pre-me now. Amazon pre-me. Let me get a pre-me delivered ship shape tip top directly to my apartment. It just crawls to your door with a box full of shit on its back. Okay. Tech review corner.

Moving on to our tech segment. We're done with the news? Yeah, we're done with the news. Okay. Putting a 15 minute timer. Plus you're not really contributing anything. I have. I've been listening.

Yeah. Yeah. You've been listening. Good job listening on the podcast. I've been trying to contribute. You fucking asshole. Getting cut off. You're not getting cut off.

You're not saying anything. Okay. I'll try some more and get cut off. Maybe you should put a fucking show map together. I think it's a good show map. I thought that that was a really nice story about the dog buying a cheeseburger for the old lady. I thought that was great.

I'm really glad you brought that to the table. It's good. I don't want to interrupt it because it was warming my heart so much. Okay. Apple watch folks. Let's talk about it. Two weeks. Two weeks now with the Apple watch.

Let me tell you folks. I'm fatter than I've ever been in my entire life. Hell yeah. And the Apple watch is letting me know. It reminds me every day that I don't walk and stand enough. You just look at it and it just says you're fat. Basically. I mean I guess that's like a cool feature if you know you want to change something in

your life. It makes your emoji fatter. I already go to the gym. It doesn't need to tell me that I need to stand up more. Is it really? How does it know you're standing up? That's some impressive technology. I don't know.

It measures your heart rate against. You know what's funny? When I do cocaine it's like congratulations you've reached your exercise goal for the week. Wow. Your exercise somehow in a 15 minute period. Your heart rate is 140 beats per minute. That's awesome.

You must be doing a triathlon right now. This is where it's playing techno and shit. Are you eating fucking Cheerios while swimming 10 miles? Yeah. You better believe that's what I'm doing. Hell yeah dude. Yeah. What I want is a brain monitor.

You know instead of a heart rate monitor some Apple product I can just fucking jam into my skull and just tell when you're being racist and when I'm being smart, when I'm thinking smart things. They should have a sex app where like you put the Apple watch on your dick like a cock ring and then it's like you are limp. You know what would be cool? Leave it on your wrist and it tells you if you're fucking good or not. That would be cool but what would be nice is like an Apple cock ring that you put on

and then women have to wear an Apple like pussy insert and then instead of tinder what happens if your dick moves on the train you know and some woman's there and her pussy gets wet on the pussy insert made by Apple then it'll use this Bluetooth to communicate between the two and it's like hey maybe you and this person should see if you have any movies you like in common or whatever or just have sex with them on the train. Then you go up to them like hey I don't mean to bother you but are you wearing an Apple pussy insert because my Apple cock ring just detected that my dick moved in your direction. Oh you're a police officer oh okay well I know this is not my fault Apple makes this

stuff so you can't oh I'm going to jail alright can I keep my Apple cock ring on inside the jail no okay well that's why we need jails made by Apple imagine that the Apple jail that would be very minimalist it would be nice it would be pretty cool yeah it would everything would have a sensor inside your ass it tells when you're getting ready and then you get a notification on your wrist that says congratulations you've hit your exercise goal for this week your heart rate is 140 beats per minute and then the brain inserts like what is happening to our memory why is everything just being erased right now I don't understand what's going on we're going to have to send a bug report to the warden oh shit yeah this

is Siri the Apple warden lights out it's bedtime we should give our jails to Apple that I think we should give most of our government institutions to Apple that would be pretty cool Apple school Apple hey bus Apple a day keeps the doctor the teacher away that's what I hear no teachers only as they say in Apple every day school yep you keep the teacher away keep the doctor wait no more doctors they do that shit though they buy like you ever see those charities that are like we're getting iPads for kids that live in the ghetto just fucking make them a bigger school and hire more teachers they don't need fucking the solution isn't being able to play Angry Birds or rob each other to sell those fucking iPads or to play

loud music on the train yeah that's why they're giving them the iPads so they can do showtime so they can do showtime shows I'm sorry they're breakdancing career yeah you know what I was thinking about the other day what if they did showtime showtime on the subway those of you that don't live in New York it's a like a subway dancing thing that happens here what if they did it with a really hot chicks and they take their clothes off while they're doing it ho time ho yeah that'd be pretty cool yeah do you know what I thought would be funny is like a murder ball version of showtime we're like really really aggressive wheelchair guys that come on the train they're like the music starts playing they're like what's up

this is murder showtime and then they just like get dumped out of the chair and then lie there motionless on the fucking ground of the train music plays and everyone just has to you know like don't he's having a thing he's like when that fucking paraplegia guy tried to do mixed martial arts and then somebody took the fight and they were like you know I mean he's just like basically stamping out a pillowcase yeah what what the fucking guy was a guy in a wheelchair tried to a guy with no arms or legs and that's quadruplegic quadra no armor legit quadra fucking aunt quadramp quadramputee how did he even like train for that quadramputee sounds like a Pokemon he wrestles you with his neck yeah

nice biting I guess and biting mostly slowly eats you like a fucking snake the fight ends and there's like a Han Solo imprint of the other guy and his abdomen and it's like he did it no one thought he could do it but he didn't he slowly ate the other fighter he absorbed the other fighter into his body and that just goes to show you if you think we're retarded people aren't capable of doing things you're a fucking asshole this is UFC yeah well that'd be cool if the UFC fought a retarded guy yeah that's gotta it's gonna have well that would be the next big fight you know we had we did the the Mayweather McGregor fight in my heart we already know that retarded guy which one I mean Mayweather's retarded

I'm just kidding yeah well he doesn't know how to read that's that's kind of retarded is that really yeah you've never heard that promo video where he's trying to read for like a radio interstitial he's like with I heart radio the the award he's like could not yeah he couldn't do it it's so funny when people like can somehow make it all the way into adulthood without learning to read and just like try to just try to get through situations like assuming no one will notice you know yeah I used to do a bit about that shit yeah about those old radio PSAs for like the adult literacy centers and it was always like my name's Karen I'm a 37 year old secretary and unfortunately last year my boss found out

that I didn't know how to read how do you get that far you just impressive those people are impressive yeah their ability to pull the wool over society's eyes and become you know pilots no I have an uncle that's I have an uncle is a death secret is you can't read he's a deaf piano tuner and he just was pretending like he wasn't deaf for like 15 years what yeah so you'd like talk to him and you'd say something to him and he would just go like right right it just worked was it Beethoven was deaf yeah Beethoven always tells us that as kids oh yeah he had one of those ear horn things that we're like cornucopia thing yeah yeah and then ask people to yell from wild wild west yeah that'd be cool to be wild wild

breast let's see him let's take a look at it let's see these crazy titties oh just as an aside and next I'm I know I'm ruining the flow of the show but thank you everyone that came out last night to our live show that was awesome and everyone's everyone's they're getting better and better and this is the important part we're switching to buy monthly so yeah first of our means we'll buy anything we'll buy anything apple watch let me purchase it so I'm gonna I'm what they call by sexual god fuck me stop hey women for sex or first that was funny that was worth cutting me off anyway our first by monthly show it's on September 11th god damn it September 11th the anniversary December 11th blowout sale

we're crashing planes into buildings all day long the anniversary of the terrible attacks on the World Trade Center will be our first by our by monthly I think 911 is good I'm anti for a terrorist attack I'm pro I'm pro 911 anti foe that's what the anti phase anti foe was pro 911 yeah they were actually part of it the planes were wearing bandanas over their noses mm-hmm you know I think about is people that like sit around and they'd like dress up and they're proud to be anti foe it's cosplay it's the gay there's a lot of hangers on that are lame as shit it sucks because there's like a real thing at the center of it but there's so many dudes that are well the real shit was like in Europe where they're

costume you know the real shit was in Europe where there were actually Nazis beating the shit out of the hole in the hole in that whole world of like these all right guys fighting the anti for guys there's maybe three dudes that are actually not cowards okay I'm gonna that are fighting each other yeah there's the alt right has that one guy who's like jacked and just punches people in the face mm-hmm and then I'm sure there's a couple of anti for people that actually like fighting and then the rest of it is like cowardly people that want to beat like they're the people that fucking like are excited about the idea of a mosh pit yeah totally totally might be able to punch somebody in the face without getting

punched back a shameless plug I'm gonna plug my podcast cuz I just did a podcast about the history of anti foe I have a podcast called pod damn America if you're listening we do history about shit like that isn't that already a podcast yeah it is a pod is it it sounds I think a pod damn America is the name of a John John love it yeah yeah yeah it's John love pod save America I don't know why I don't know our spot damn America you should change it to maybe like WTF or something I fuck you all change it to come down bitch see that's a thing I didn't have to worry about someone already having this is a name for their you know I had to fucking like tell my boss at work like yeah I gotta get off to do come

down like everyone kept asking me what's the name of it what are you doing you know yeah everyone was like that's such a stupid name you could never market that show yeah it's like look who's name is at the top of Times Square right now come down right above yeah the Toys R Us Ferris wheel it's on that ticker like that fucking stuff that's still there just how long ago that disappeared probably 10 years ago the Toys R Us store there was a Toys R Us with a Ferris wheel in it in Times Square I think I don't know years ago they ever to FAO Schwartz to FAG where do you go yeah that was a joke I said yeah I did that actually so you said that I like to go to FAG Schwartz I did yeah that was

a good joke I it didn't hurt my feelings at all I thought it was pretty funny and worked with the show and okay you want to go back to that Ferris wheel thing you were saying Ferris wheel the world's gayest roller coaster yes or no true yeah that's that's my new character is the guy's like oh you know I don't really I'm like I like I love roller coasters but the scary ones I can't really do so much so it's like the Ferris wheel that's my favorite roller coaster I love I love just the big loop-de-loop Ferris wheel that's it's so scary to me but I love it I just love being scared I love being scared on the teacups this is my favorite roller coasters the little caterpillar that looks like he's going to school yeah yeah

that one a gay guy so scary a gay guy that's it likes the baby roller coasters is a pretty good character for me yeah that's a good new character you know what I love the scary roller coaster it's funny that there's like Ferris wheel or where they guess you're white and they use that that's scary yeah I mean guess your weight when you scary when you shoot the waters scary Ferris wheel one from the movie fear where Mark Wahlberg sticks his fingers in your pussy that is the scariest one yeah you ever you ever heard of people like because they have like the baby roller coasters and then like at some point in the 90s like they started just making like the most extreme yeah shit of all time like point

not even Ohio right dude those shits are so fun to ride the problem is that they're you as a kid you remember them and like you wait in line and you're terrified so you have all this like adrenaline that makes getting through the line go faster yeah and then you ride it and you're so scared as you're like going up the hill and then the ride you're like oh I hope this ends soon like I'm having like this huge adrenaline rush and now I was an adult with a cocaine problem and you did ability to you know I don't have any dopamine in my brain and I don't really have any kind of adrenal response anymore yeah it's waiting for two hours in a fucking line yeah and then oh yeah no I cut my fucking hands up all the

time while working with like anything I mean I mean it hurts but it's like I just I mean I like cut the top of my finger off yesterday or like last week and it's just like god damn it you know I don't have any reaction so dead inside kind of yeah I just don't feel I don't feel anything so the roller coasters they kind of suck they don't last as long I mean it is it is fun but it's like it's a 45 second ride and you just waited two hours in line you know even if you have the flash pass yeah that's what it's all about dude the flash pass I don't fucking hate that I hate that superhero bullshit so god damn much they just make a roller coaster it's like it's Batman yeah roller coaster yeah they all of them are like Batman

are Joker's revenge and the Ritalis penis like I don't just call it the roller coaster I don't need all this theme bullshit you know that pissed me off there are the six flags magic mountain I grew up in Houston yeah like the Astro world was the thing they closed down years ago but like near the end of it there was an asshole world the Houston assholes pretty good but there was like one of the last roasters Texas pride is out just working on the ranch not needing any government or help from anybody else doing your cattle drives and exposing your asshole directly to the sun to clean it out with that vitamin D and the beautiful rays of being penetrated by God's greatest beauty the light in the sky

yeah there is a roller coaster this is called SWAT and it was literally just like a giant fly swatter you just get in it and then it was just like just like jerky forward it just hurt yeah people were like wow that was so scary I guess yeah just painful apparently there was a place in New Jersey that got shut down because too many people were getting injured there's a water park in New Jersey that like yeah just like break their legs and shit all the time there's like a there's a stuff you know what it's called there's like everything was covered in ten it's Jersey it's a Jersey six flags it's called six flags a friend of ours where they all the rides break your legs there's like a water slide

that tries to do like a full like a loop you know like but it's like it doesn't work at all and like people just get to the top of it and just fall and shit but like it's still open like no one's really you know suited or shut it down I love going on music parks it's a shame the summer ended kind of abruptly here it's fall now yeah it's just cold right now yeah coming away I would love to go earlier this week get one last six flags in summer I've done that shit in years we should go I like water parks a lot I like I like lazy rivers out the one thing that was nice about going to six flags is I got there and I went on one of the baby roller coasters because it had a quick line and you lost your wall

it's my wallet immediately you know it fell out of my pocket on the ride and just went off into the course and so it was like I had to stay there till the end of the day yeah so that they could walk the track and get my wallet back and and it like gave me an excuse to like stay like cuz you know otherwise it'd be like alright I've been here three hours I'm going you know I don't have to stay here the whole day stay there the whole day got a couple of rides in you just one you have like the opportunity to go on one or two big roller coasters at that and it's like fifty bucks for admins and get in yeah it's it's yeah it was about that it's probably like eighty a person eighty a person yeah

I don't I didn't bring like a coke can or anything yeah yeah if you drink soda you get in cheaper if you make the rides have to work harder you know they need those fat people there to make the rides go faster probably a momentum yeah yeah yeah would any fat people care to volunteer to come to the front to make the ride work thank you yeah I used to think that VR technology would replace roller coasters because you just put on the you put on the glasses and feel like you're on roller that's because you're very retarded you think they make them like VR yeah I just got the new playstation virtual retarded you put it on and it makes you feel like you have downstairs or it's pretty crazy I strap that shit in

shit myself immediately just something they're just sticking the playstation controller in your mouth like is this starburst I think I'm just eating nothing but candy right now game shark Norman you stab that joke about about the worst part about getting a blow job from a retarded girl is all the candy in her mouth oh man man Norm blog and we're fucking unfriended me did he over like political shit political shit you know he's he I was talking about anti fun he was like well I'll not I don't agree with you but I defend to the death you're right to you know that shit then why do you unfriend you I don't know I love norm we just disagree about everything but uh oh political shit's me it's getting

too real man I want to hang out norm he's just he's a fucking libertarian psycho you know he's one of those people down in Texas I don't know man I got into it with stop the other day and it's like the problem with libertarianism is that it's sort of like by default morally bankrupt and like the the implication in saying I'm a libertarian is I don't give a shit about anybody that would need assistance you know from the government was just like a theoretical like the assumption the assumption of the basis of libertarianism is that everyone starts at like a zero and it like sure yeah and his equate equal distribution of resources and all this shit that doesn't really exist and you know yeah because people are start

off rich and people start off poor the problem with libertarianism is that they implied lack of like empathy or social support for people but like and also that you have power from like the moment yeah it doesn't matter but like norm is also like one of the most charitable nicest people I love norm man so I don't like it doesn't matter that he's a libertarian you know it's like it's to the same degree that like if somebody told me somebody was racist because they liked making like you know racist jokes or whatever here and there but then they worked for a charity that helped you know young black kids lighten their skin to fit it better into society I wouldn't call that I wouldn't care that that guy's racist

you know the net effect that whatever they're doing what it's your job to make it clear that that part is a joke you let me just continue going people are like what I'm sorry I'm sorry yeah you're fucking lounging my fucking bullshit vocal fry nonsense what's wrong with my voice out but sucks you know what someone said to me last night no they expected me to be six foot three no did because I always talk about how I'm the tallest come yeah are you really I am that's only cuz Nick and stuff are manlets I'm so much Adam's Adam's a inch taller than me and stuff that's not true dude yes you're five foot three I'm not five I'm six three tech review corner they got the blood glucose monitor at the Apple store now

I was thinking about buying that and trying to return it like bring it back like yeah this thing is just fun it's a fucking mess I've never seen a glucose monitor this bad just bring it into the Ziploc baggie for blood I was wondering I do drop off laundry so shit I forgot I have to go pick up my laundry I dropped it off days ago how much does it cost it's like a ten bucks it's like a dollar a pound no I mean it no it's like 30 cents a pound that's amazing yeah it's awesome I fold it for you yeah they fold it for you it's like it doesn't make sense to do your own laundry cuz like the amount you spend on quarters and shit it's more than ten bucks yeah it's like it's not worth it to do it

that way so yeah just use drop off service but you know like most people I jack off on all my clothes and it's like they have to know yeah it's like oh yeah he just glues his sock shut after after he's done wearing them it's two-dimensional but they wash so many clothes they probably they're used to it because so many people jack off on their socks yeah yeah yeah that's amazing like at what point are you just bringing in like a paint mixing bucket filled with a single sock floating on the top of it I thought about bringing in a shirt one time I just threw it away I don't know I was just in the middle of throwing it into a hamper and then went you know what maybe this is just trash because

it was probably I mean you know what it was to this is so fucked up there's some I don't know maybe I shouldn't even tell this fucking story man there's this like this shitty old man in Texas that likes trying to like market his daughter as a comedian you know and like taking around the daughter seems like saffron or something oh saffron yeah and yeah her whole thing is like I love Nirvana and it's like it could come in died like five years before you were born yeah this doesn't make sense yeah so like I was really fucking tired and I was in Austin one time doing a show and his the guy came up to me and he was like really trying to network way too hard so he gave me made me fucking take this shirt that's

like the Nirvana logo and it says saffron or whatever threw in my back I was like whatever did went home and you jacked off on a shirt of a ten-year-old I mean it just became my god it just happened to be like well I don't want this shirt then order a pizza one time now saffron's your cum stuff and like you know it's dark and I had thrown a t-shirt to go like yeah answer the door and I was just wearing this shirt with the cum all over it this pizza guy was like okay here's your it's decided to throw it away that's it that's the whole story what's the most grizzly scene you ever encountered delivering pizzas Nick oh Jake's also a pizza guy well either of you you're both yeah you're currently fancy

your hips are pizza guy though um I don't know I mean there was a bipolar not a bipolar an OCD guy used to deliver pizza to when I worked at Papa John's and he would uh oh I got a good one keep going with the OCD come on yeah we got oh alright well so yeah I mean this isn't even a very good story but he would you know they have like all those dip cups at Papa John's like it's not just the garlic cup people don't realize there's like nine different cups you can get really and this guy would order two of each in addition to the garlic cup you get all the dip cups and they're like the same order it's like a pretty big order and he would always tip like 25% which is like pretty good for pizza delivery

especially if it's a big order so yeah nine dollar tip so it wasn't really a big deal but you would go to his house you'd hand them the bag and he would take the bag and lock the door and not give you the money and he was like waiter and then you go inside and he would open up all the boxes and remove all of the dip cups put them back in the bag and then come to the door and hand you the bag of sauces that he paid extra for yeah and then give you the tip the fuck yeah you'd take the sauces back to the store you would have to take them back to the store weird yeah the first time I delivered there the guy was like yeah this guy is crazy so yeah he's gonna do a weird thing with the sauces this is jacking

off somewhere in this equation right yeah yeah I had this guy this this old gay man like you know elderly white hair lived in like publicly funded housing and ordered every day and his other fucking greatest like James Bond name ever his name was Ray Maxwell and like he you know you'd go to his James Bond's name I know it's a cool name James Bond's name is James Bond yeah I get it but I'm just saying it doesn't make sense it just sounds cool shit right I'm gonna have to side with Nick on this one it sounds like a normal name James Bond he's like 80 year old man you'd open the door and it's just the air just this waft of just cigarettes and cum would come at you and you'd look over his shoulder and his like

you know how like teenagers like put like magazines shit up on their walls gay porn all over his fucking walls just from magazines yeah so foreign magazines like you know this is like the internet exists yeah at this point like play gay and gay hustler and yeah and gay Nickelodeon magazine gay highlights all the classic gay porn magazines you're fine yeah Goofy's is the bottom where his gallant is the top Goofy's doesn't disclose his HIV status while gallant lies about it gay sports illustrated sports illustrated swim gay edition gay and former these are great puns dude how about this national geographic national gay geographic hire me weekend update a new magazine is out yeah I'm sure you guys have heard of the New

York Times about the New York fag time you're watching Donald Trump's weekend update it's a new show where we use tax dollars to take over every television station where I do my own very funny version of SNL yeah hurricane Harvey you know who wouldn't have done anything about that Obama but I'm doing something about it I'm watching right up to that storm and I'm calling it a queer yeah he's so fucking funny man Donald Trump yeah I hope he's president forever I hope that he did love I love just how fucking irrational he makes people that suck act and like think what's his name Greg Abbott's in a wheelchair comfortable in their lives just I don't know what to do yeah no that doesn't matter like everyone else yeah

right when then and then they do the thing where it's like and I'm especially concerned for my minority friends all of my poor black friends that live in like what downtown Cleveland that you get these fictional impoverished section eight black people that you know that that's who you're worried about is the people that you didn't give a shit at all about before really yeah you're also just assuming that they also like for Hillary and right there's all voted for Hillary or that if like the poor people who lived in abject poverty didn't like just to like grow up in that circumstance and they kind of like don't see a solution anyways even when things are perfect the way you want with I don't know some old woman

that's a liar in office yeah I've been reading about Bill Clinton lately man he was so fucking like crazy do you know about the retarded guy he executed yeah in Arkansas yeah just like make Republicans like him the guy Ricky Ray rector fucking he or that's a cool James Bond and that's total James Bond name you know what I mean it sounds cool so he like rector Ricky rector Ray Ricky rector Ray Recky where you going retarded I hardly I don't know so he ordered up like a pie for his last meal and he saved half of it because he was like I'm gonna eat it later I didn't even understand that they were like gonna kill him yeah that's very sad yeah well you know that's who gets executed you know it's funny

is cuz you know Texas loves killing retarded hell yeah hell yeah that's the Houston assholes that's that's the that's the mascot of both the Rangers in the ass assholes is a death river retarded crispy retarded guy strapped to an electric chair like and here comes the retard running around the warning track trying to chase his final meal of a handful of jolly ranchers and and a little table from the inside of a pizza box suckin norms dig that seems like a thing he would have done retarded kid blown yeah wait isn't isn't that guy the governor of Texas Greg Abbott isn't he in a wheel yeah he's retarded actually yeah I really hope that Trump didn't know he was in a wheelchair until he gets to Houston today

it's just like to keep staring at oh it's gonna go to beautiful retarded man there's a picture of him and Melania I was kind of hoping Trump would just not address the hurricane at all no he's going today he would just be like I don't care about this am I hurricane I didn't do it I didn't cause this problem yeah he's going and people are very mad that Melania was wearing stilettos to the to the hurricane they're like this is disrespectful why that elevates you from the flood yeah I think so it's smart I think it's smart I think both of them should be on still yeah I'm those those like Uncle Sam fucking huge the pants go over yeah yeah or those weird Trump just like that he's so fucking funny I want to

learn how to use stilts he gave like speeches with a huge podium yeah why do you the second you learn how to use stilts and then you use them for your daily commute you automatically become the stilts guy you know what I mean why is there such a stigma like stilts people you got to be like an Uncle Sam in a July parade about I don't know yeah they're in the neighborhood as you spend all that money on those damn stills I think stills would be fun this like when Greg Abbott use stilts there's a family in my neighborhood and the dad had these like he had like really fucked up eyesight I guess yeah says glasses were like this ridiculous prescription and I remember the daughter one time stole our dad's glasses

and we were putting them on and riding our bikes and when you you look down with the glasses on it made it look like the ground was like 40 feet away so you would ride your bike and you be like holy shit and it was the greatest feeling in the world like looking through binoculars backwards I guess yeah yeah you know I don't remember that that fucking up your own eyesight right I want I want a pair of glasses yeah like that you know coke bottle I got to get new glasses I got these from Zenny Optical I guess this accounts is a tech review is glasses glasses are technology yeah yeah and Ben Franklin invented them mm-hmm that's he gets credit for too much shit I know we're very bifocals we talk about that on

the show he would be so fucking obnoxious if you're alive today I don't think so dude Franklin I think he's like he banged like that's a fucking myth Ben Franklin didn't fuck a lot yeah he did you know he wrote about fucking he doesn't mean yeah he occasionally wrote some like dirty jokes and people are like oh you fucked a lot no he got he died of syphilis he wrote like an essay everyone I should marry a family because an old an ugly woman an ugly woman yeah an older woman you should fuck older women too yeah probably fucked here we go a bit central fucked this is a bit I was he was probably like a sex like a creep you know like a sex yeah I read that he liked to stick his head in women's

pussy it's true that's how he went bald I also read that the journal if you go cue ball bald and you put your head in a pussy and you wear a woman like a hat right bitch I'm aware yo that's how he discovered electricity bitch I'm gonna make I'm gonna turn your ass into a hat I'm I'm just gonna make you well we gotta talk about the funny visual there's a Chinese guy at the show the other night last night last night is a Chinese guy there and he had a criterion collection tattoo on his arm and we noticed it and we started laughing at him for having a criterion collection he's a fan of the show yeah so we're laughing at him for having a criterion collection tattoo and he goes he's like oh my Chinese dad would

just like you know he would take me to see these art house films all the time but you look at him and he doesn't look half Chinese he looks like he's also Chinese yeah yeah so it's full Chinese right that makes sense to say my Chinese dad I was just imagining his Chinese dad and we're like yeah I mean my Chinese son are gonna go Chinese hello son Chinese hello to you too yeah that that was pretty funny that was very funny that's funny that criterion he has the criterion C tattoo yeah yeah and he met this guy Ben that we know that was at the show who was wearing a Janice films t-shirt yeah and they were complete strangers they're complete strangers damn it's almost like you guys have a demographic

of people well no no he came up with things no the criterion tattoo came up to compliment Ben's t-shirt and then Nick and I Nick started making fun of the t-shirt he's like yeah actually it's really named t-shirt yeah it's super lame and then I looked out at his arm I was like do you have a criterion collection tattoo oh man just a corporate like this have a spaghettios tattoo yeah pretty much and this is a we'll close out with this oh we got some movie previews after too but I was thinking this is I don't like to stand up anymore as you guys know this is a bit I was thinking about I kind of you know it's funny I quit stand up right around when the subway Jared thing happened because it was so good for joke writing and there

hasn't been anything that's happened since and I was thinking about subway Jared the other day and it's like do you think that the other pedophiles in prison are just sort of like delighted to meet him because to them he's celebrity he's still just the guy from the subway come on because yeah because it because it cancels out right yeah it doesn't matter just like Ronald McDonald yeah right yeah you know it'd be like if you met you know Julia Childs they'd be like wow yeah I met Emeril Lagasse the other day he's in prison with me I I mean yeah but the thing is like I don't understand why he was their mascot to begin with because like he's not him just as Jared was like so odd it was like

why is this like nerdy like weird awkward man like selling sandwiches yeah like uh-huh there's khaki pants and shit like he wasn't like an entertaining person in any way yeah I loved the ads where he was walking down like you know whatever super progressive is uh what what here's how so here's how subway comes back I've been dwelling on this problem for years in fact this is the solution subway yet to replace the the mascot yeah for good reason because I know you know as soon as they have a new mascot people are gonna say like remember the pedophile so somebody's still just trying to fly under the radar yeah no mascot and what they should do is you have a woman as the mascot and they're holding

up a pair of man's pants and they're like I'm trans I used to be a man and now I'm wearing a woman's dress I've changed my gender by going to subway every day and I wash down my tall glass of hormones with a $5 foot long the sweet onion chicken teriyaki mm-hmm and then people will be so pleased that subway has you know embraced get your dick cut off you know or whatever the surgery and being progressive that they'll completely forget about subway Jared so that's my solution to the problem and if subway is listening which I know they are please send it make a check payable to come town PO box Klondike fifty five one eighteen Peoria Illinois hotel foxtrot liner go ahead and send that all right here

come to the movie reviews movie previews sorry I haven't watched any movies we've got a couple of movies coming up battle of the sexes don't know what that is sounds gay it's Stephen King's it's that's already a movie don't know why they're releasing that brad status that's a comedy movie with Ben Stiller brad status yeah so it has something to do with social media go ahead and skip that one folks I thought it was well oh yeah probably yeah and then you know what skip it anyways yeah Kingsman the Golden Circle I love the first Kingsman movie I will definitely get high and see the Golden Circle the first Kingsman movie was pretty tight I fucking loved it yeah it was great with the umbrella that was yeah it was

a great movie perfect fun movie is the first one yeah if they fuck this one up you know make the main kid black or something really gonna piss me off mother is also playing don't know what that is school life come on you know too many movies these days yeah there was 15 other movies on the list I think mother is the Aronofsky movie actually yeah it is it's scary did you see the trailer for it no I don't watch trailers it's a list of movie titles watch trailers but what we we're doing we're just going through the titles yeah I just I make judgments based on the titles is made a list of all the movies are coming out expression you can't judge a book by its title right you can't judge a movie by watching

okay it's book it's book look at the poster and yell absolutely epithets movie is a visual format you can totally judge it by the title well that's what the mother trailer had no it was just a black screen and it was just sounds for them to not a single white guy in there huh yeah too much representation I'd say can we just get one white guy on a completely black screen we were mad that there were like white men in Dunkirk it's like a movie about like what English wait who is a fucking idiot online that was like hmm not a single POC and it's like it's about the English army in like world war well I play battlefield one a lot and they they put in black soldiers as blacks the main characters black soldiers

yeah it's like I don't care I mean it's fine people got mad about it but what's funny about it is like you know you don't see your own character yeah you just see the people you're killing so you're running around like killing black men in like German army alright I guess this is progressive sure we're not justice man yeah movie previews so let's talk about it what makes all these movies gay three gays down or four okay battle of the sexes let's get about that yeah men lose right there's no way that there's no way you can say men are good in a movie these days if yeah are we gay shaming the clown for probably a clown penny wise a Jewish clown yeah was he Jewish yeah that's what any wise about pennies wise

about pennies yeah oh no this cannot stand how do they get fun name is just he's stingy that's fucking weird yeah yeah that is weird I've never seen it I either people say it's scary misery the only good Stephen King movie he's got a couple in there the Green Mile man never since I was a kid though but like Tim Curry as the clown was like legitimately kind of creepy there's new clowns no good he's always pissed me off when people are like oh clowns are so scared I always like to imagine that's the weirdest fuck they're weird but who's scared of you a baby sitting around at home eating a box of Whitman samplers by himself and the sounds make delicious yeah yeah yeah that would sound weird is him just eating chocolate

enjoying them did he have he had like a Flemie kind of throat like kind of like a like big Alan Rickman right yeah similar that sounds baby yeah me and my Chinese son watch a lot of watch a lot of art watch a lot of gay clown movies yeah my Chinese dad makes me watch gay clown movies with him yeah well now we've sufficiently made fun of our only Chinese fan well whatever enough we'll get more dude you don't think I'm still in deep with Chinatown I know I'm still in all those mahjong rackings down there yeah I passed by some mahjong place and you look in I'm out there squatting on the ground smoking cigarettes Chinese men with 88 or sunglasses fishing vests and like those like you know US Navy retired hats on

just making bets underneath the pots and pans store yeah those guys are great I wish I could be them the just the level of like their interest in gambling is so fucking awesome yeah yeah well folks that's the show for today you know I'll try to do a better job on the show map next time around but oh this is good this is good so it was okay some made fun of some Chinese now you know what I'm gonna have to actually write jokes for the show I think for the next couple weeks I feel the opposite but okay yeah all right yeah well I'll I'll I should be writing things anyways and doing things with my life instead of just talking to a microphone I agree yeah yeah well we'll make the show better okay sure whether one

way or the other and you know what to anybody out there who thinks that I got fat it's not true that's a rude rumor going around I'm Jake Flores by the way if anyone didn't catch the hidden up oh yeah Stov's dead so I'm the fat guy now Jake's here he's he's a Hispanic gay man he's a hell yeah mehikana clown woke show shout out to Chinese dad's everywhere a despacito goodbye