The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 68 – Tech Savior

Episode Date: September 7, 2017

I made the show good again via the power of technology. This is how were gonna bring steve jobs back.

Well, good evening folks, or good morning, depending on, I guess it's up to you to download the show and listen to it at your own leisure at either the morning time, night time, good what have you. It's another beautiful night here, or morning, you know. Or afternoon. Or, and it could be shitty out, I don't know, it's not live. Tonight, it's a little too hot, it was already starting to be fall. I was ready for it to be fall.

Then it got hot. It got a little, it got a little too hot on me. It got a little calor, a little caliente. Right. And, you know, we got the boys back, we're playing a little fast and loose this time, I went a little light on the notes. There's only a few notes. Your precious notes, Nick.

Yeah, okay, how about this, I won't say anything for five seconds and see how much dead air there is because I didn't write enough notes and you can't do anything. I think there's one thing I think I need you to say before we can proceed with the podcast. And I think you know what that is. What's that? You know what it is. Do it. No, I don't.

Just do the line. You know what your friends know. Just do the line, dude. For my adoring audience. Yeah. Do it, the people want to hear it. You know what the people want to hear it? More like 5 a.m.

Yeah, bitch. Yeah, bitch. A classic bit. He's opening at Madison Square Garden. Oh, yeah. They're actually renaming Madison Square Garden after me. The more like 5 a.m. Yeah.

They don't even have to joke. Arena. Subtitle. Nick Mullen, R.I.P. Yeah. For those of you who don't know, how dare you criticize the notes or pretend like the notes aren't absolutely fucking necessary in the show. What?

No, they're necessary. It's funny that they exist. I don't know. Why is it funny that it exists? This isn't it. It's a podcast. I appreciate it. I just want to lack a daisical colleague, sit there and eat your fucking sushi.

We did a hundred. What did you get? What is that? You got like tuna? You got nine California rolls. They're not California. There's literally no vegetables in there. You don't have to order a sushi.

I got the Maki Combo C. You got like a pizza made out of sushi rolls. Just a big slab of like what it's in a California like tuna and like crepe. I think it's imitation crab. Get it. You light his ass up. Tell him about that pizza he gave. Yeah.

Bitch. Yeah. Ouch. Anyway. So congratulations, Nick. Television and movie star. The movie star. Star of the silver screen and stage.

I think this counts as theater as well. Yeah. Dude, I'm getting the Tony Award for my starring role as myself. I actually played myself. Can you just break down the process a little bit for us so you got a knock on the door? It was an old Jewish man. Yeah. He said, we need you.

You're nated. And I said, how did you get out of the basement? And then I realized it was a different old Jewish guy. Different one from the one that's currently in the basement. In this building? It wasn't the one I keep down there to make phone calls to the bank for me like that. Nick is like doing like a reverse Schindler's List. Yeah.

Old Morty. What do you mean a reverse Schindler's List? Well, he was protecting Nazis. What do you mean just the Holocaust? Yeah. The Holocaust. The Holocaust. The Schindler's List.

Hitler's List. Yeah. Hitler's favorite list. Yeah. Yeah. So Nick, so the old Jew came to the thing, there was a limousine outside? Stretch. Well, no.

Hummer. Skimped. Skimped. Oh, you know what you mean? They got an Uba XS. It's a bicycle. It's just as good as a limousine. You're going to save a little bit of money.

Yeah. You know, I don't know. I mean, they said, we need the greatest actor of our generation to play the more like 5AM guy. And the second thing is that they had a whole wardrobe department. I mean, this girl went to the Fashion Institute of Technology. She knew what the fuck she was doing. They actually said to me, please don't wear the leather hat.

And I said, I'm telling you, this is a good hat. Just, please don't fuck with this cord here. Sorry. That's the one thing I asked you to do. It was under this, so I moved it on top, so it wouldn't fuck. Yeah. For those of you who don't know, Nick is the star, is the principal. Of the new subway.

I'm the new subway spokesman. Subway sandwiches. More like 5AM campaign. More like 5AM campaign. More like five different kinds of foot long. More like five different kind of five, five dollar foot long. I see where you're going. No, you don't.

More like five year olds. Oh, guys. How about that riff? See, we use what you, you, you, you, you like, you semi-ironically bail on the joke as if you're not making it. That was a bad joke. They're all bad jokes. It's a fucking podcast.

That's the point of the show. Yeah. We, we thought this was going to be what, juvenile? So yeah, we only do, this is, we're creating Jonathan Swift comedy here. It's called, it's a podcast called Come Town. Yeah. Just make the bad jokes and enjoy them. Have a good time.

I did. Enjoy the shit out of it. Don't back away from it. Yeah. I mean, I enjoyed diving backwards out of that joke. Like last episode when Nick said, who made the game Marco Polo up? And I said, how about the guy Marco Polo? That was a good joke.

Deliver that with confidence. Yeah. It's like, you know, I delivered it with confidence. I've been, you know, I had that one at the barrel for, that's kind of what we're missing without stop is we don't, we all need to learn to appreciate the bad jokes more like stop. It's true. Stav is a big supporter of the bad jokes.

He is. The bad jokes guy. You know, I missed him too. And so I did something about it. What did you do? In honor of Labor Day, I, I became a tech bro. Oh, nice. I automated Stavros.

Do you call it the valley? No. What, your ass? Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Set myself up for that one. Yeah.

How about instead of you saying that, I say, what, your ass? See? Yeah. Now it's like Stav's back. Yeah. It was. You made an entire, you programmed an entire iPod app. iPad app.

I literally taught myself how to write iPad software to replace Stavros. Nice, dude. Thank you. You know, and I thought it would be a lot harder than it was, but it was actually pretty easy. Interesting. Yeah, I know. And so he can go to Greece all he wants.

We don't fucking need him. I got this, this, this iPad app here. So guess who's not getting paid next month? This is really, this is really perfect. No. Fuck no, dude. Yeah. Well, it's really perfect because I feel like this is the logical conclusion of Nick Mullin's

life is that you're going to ultimately replace everyone in your life with an iPad app. Yeah. Friends. You're going to die alone because you will have turned us all into iPad apps. See, I have, these are all of his fake laughs so I can make him fake laugh at your stupid comment. Can I, can I get a little spin? No.

No. You don't get to control the stop. Let me play with the stop. Let's redo this. No. More like. Fuck no. Let me play, I want to play stop.

More like five year olds. Hold on. How about this? More like five AM. More like five AM. He loves it. Wow. I feel like he's in the room.

He loves the app. Stop. Is it a good app? Absolutely. Thank you. Oh my God. Yeah. I want to play this like on a Casio keyboard.

You know. You have a Casio keyboard? No. But you know, it's like where you can program all to sound like different pictures of farts and shit. Yeah. What do you do for fun, Jake? We argue with people on Facebook.

Drink. Whatever man. This shit's boring. Who cares? Yeah. I agree, stop. Damn. Yeah.

You got on there, man. Pretty bad. Nice, dude. Nice. Not nice. You're not nice. I don't think so. Stop.

So stop. Can I ask stop some questions? Fuck no, dude. A cupcake and a candy bar. So how's the food been in Greece? What have you been eating? Fava beans. You've been eating fava beans?

Hell yeah, dude. Wow. It's like he's really here. I've missed him so much. Yeah. What else have you been eating, stop? I have 40 Jimmy Dean sandwich sandwiches. Dude, hell yeah, dude.

Wow, that's 40 Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches, huh? Hell yeah. That sounds pretty good. Like how do you cook those? Peanut oil. Oh, that's interesting. You just put the sandwiches in peanut oil? Absolutely.

You know, that's probably pretty bad for you. Damn. Yeah, you're probably going to die early from just putting those breakfast sandwiches directly in the peanut oil. Interesting. Yeah. It is interesting. It's a good point, you bring up.

Yeah, yeah. But I mean, you probably don't want to die. Right? So you should like, you know, maybe make healthier choices, you know? So like, for example, tomorrow you could eat... Fried spam? No. That's probably not, you know, something good.

Maybe something a little healthier. Lentils and fucking rice and shit? Yeah. Yeah, that's bad. No. Fuck no, dude. Oh, okay. All right, well...

We tried. Yeah, we tried. So what are you going to eat tomorrow, Stav? Quadruple-deck fucking burgers. You fat fuck, Stav. That's so funny. There he is. Oh, God, that's a good old...

That's a good old Stav cackle. Woo. Woo. Woo. Hell yeah, dude. Oh. Oh. I'll put that one in there.

It's a sex one. I didn't do that that often, but I felt like it was worth it to have the... No. No. What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? you should just keep an eye out on the iTunes store,

Android store. We're gonna be selling the Stav App for... Well, I was thinking I might as well just go ahead and make like a huge app. A full come town app? Right. Stav loves that. He does.

I don't know. I'm trying to figure out the right level of having him laugh, you know, you do the fake one. And then maybe that one. Look, in this one, you can hear Adam saying some bitch thing in the background. You hear him? I don't know.

Who cares? It might have been you. Whatever man, this shit's boring. Who cares? See? So, we'll move on. I'm trying to watch that... What'd you guys do for Labor Day?

Did you guys have any big Labor Day plans? I feel like I didn't deserve it because I'm not really in the labor force these days. Damn. Yeah, thank you, Stav. Well, like, did you do anything or no? I didn't do anything. I took my dog for a walk and I painted.

I just argued with people on the internet and then went to sleep. Would you argue that? Yeah, would you argue? What are these, yeah, hold on. Let's get into that. I'm paying too much attention to the app here, the fruits of my labor.

Enough of your toys. That's what I did on Labor Day is I worked to take Stav's job away from him. Meanwhile, what was Stav doing? A cupcake and a candy bar. Wow, Stav, you're gonna kill yourself, man. Yeah, absolutely, I fucking love this. Stav robot, I love it.

You know what? I had like a million more that I just, I get so tired of fucking adding them all into the app. Cause I sat through and I pulled like, I have like 50 more of these that he can say. No, yeah. So that's what I was hoping I would have it done in time. I might add some more tomorrow and then bring this with me.

I'm doing real last due tomorrow. Oh, so Stav could be a guest too. Yeah, I'm gonna bring the iPad and have Stav. You, you, Lewis. I got one where he's saying he's fucking kids. Yeah, that's what you should have put in. There was a bunch of, all the good ones, cause the thing was I was trying to get them all grouping.

Like I have all the less and shit, all the yes. And I got all the basic stuff and then the food stuff was the only like a primo selects that I had time to do. Yeah, like the, what's that again? Quadruple deck fucking burgers. Nice. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah.

Quadruple deck. It's like, hello, Nick. You are quite good at turning me on. And then it's a picture of him already nude. Yeah. I don't like how much he's laughing at that one. Yeah, he's laughing too much. Yeah, I gave it too much credit.

Yes. Well, anyhow. Okay, I really need to stop playing with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause that's going to be the next thing. But it's just a sleeper. The next 45 minutes of the show. I didn't do anything.

What I did was I wrote down happy Labor Day, folks. What did the boys get into? And then in parentheses, five minutes. So that meant that that conversation was supposed to take five minutes. And according to the timer, it took 17 seconds. Okay, so Jake, what were you arguing? Yeah, what do you argue with people about on the internet?

You know, just bullshit. Like, the main thing is... Tell me the specific argument you got into with who, name, name. And we'll tell you how to win. Yeah. Well, I'm friends with Norm again, but he's an idiot. I decide from Norm.

I mean, I was just talking about how Labor Day is this holiday that's created by socialists and communists and shit. And all these people that have been screaming about Bernie Bros. Oh, okay, I get it. I see what you did there. No, no, I'm sorry.

That was tough, dude. That was good. Yeah, that was good stuff. Go on. Well, you know, I mean, it's very hypocritical that people are, you know, screaming about Bernie Bros. and shit for a year straight. And they're like, happy Labor Day.

I'm having a barbecue. It's kind of silly. I don't know why. I'm arguing with comedians that I haven't seen in years. So your problem with Norman is that he's culturally appropriating hot dogs from hardworking socialists like yourself who are slaving away at a pizza restaurant. They took the Jesus out of labor.

That's what you got in an argument. You know what? I mean, I don't usually agree with Norm about that kind of shit, but that is a stupid fucking argument. Well, I wasn't talking to Norm about that one. Me and Norm's beef is over Antifa, which he thinks are like reckless out of control. The teens are calling it Antifa.

Like he's an old ass man. Right, exactly. Yeah, what's more dangerous? Some fucking like limp dick nerd that wants to put on a ski mask and knock over a dumpster or a 50-year-old man that's driven drunk every single night of his life. Well, that just means he's good.

Since 1961. That just means he's good at driving drunk. Back when you used to be able to get your license at eight years old in Frontier, Texas. How about this? Whichever flag Texas was at. Back when Texas only had three flags when Norm got his license.

How about this? Before the roller coasters went up, man. It was a different time. Tear him down, bitch. You used to be able to drive and drink. Like you only have one beer open in the car like up until like 1980, but you could just get pulled over by a cop.

You could have one beer open. Yeah, you just have a road soda. In Texas? Yeah, yeah. Hell, we gotta move there. Yeah, well, we gotta move to the past. That's why they went back in time. Yeah, well, I mean, in Louisiana,

they still on half. Back in the future. They don't have open carries. So you can drive around drinking if you want. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's no, wait, hold on. Open container. Open container.

Open carry is gone. I always confuse open container and open carry, which interestingly enough is how I lost my license to scary fire on them, is by mistaking the two, by open containering and open carrying at the same time. Yeah, you can't mix those. Pulling a Schlitz out and yelling the N word and somebody like threatening them.

Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you're a cop. Dude, what about an all black lady Antifa and it's called La Tifa? Hell yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, thanks, Tom. You're welcome.

Yeah. I mean, Stops says you're welcome. I don't have that one in here. How about this? They do. They wear ninja shit. Antifa, but it stands for... Fa-va-beens.

Stop. I don't know what that means. What is that? Was he doing Silas to the lambs? I guess. I don't know. When did he bring up Fa-va-beens? I don't know.

He said it twice and he said it like this. Fa-va-beens. Oh man, that's fat fuck. Oh yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Woo, woo. But the breakfast.

But the breakfast? I want to put the breakfast in there. Yeah, more like 5 AM, dude. Yeah, dude. I got to pull the audio from one of the live shows from his mic during his set and get But the Breakfast. Get But the Breakfast in there? Stops classic, But the Breakfast.

I want a sound board that just says But the Breakfast and more like 5 AM. Oh man. I think that's a nice little preview of your guys' arguments from henceforth. It's going to be you making fun of But the Breakfast and him doing 5 AM. OK, I don't know.

But hold on. I want to get back to this Facebook argument. So who were you arguing with where you were saying that you're not allowed to celebrate Labor Day if you're not a communist? Like every rich fucking open mic. By the way, I didn't know a single communist until three months ago.

Suddenly half the people I know are communists. Well, most people weren't anything because there wasn't like an actual reason to really. Like you were just under the boot of the whole fucking system. Most people were just nihilists, which is fine. It was a perfectly reasonable thing to be. But there's like a different set of circumstances now. Whatever man, this shit's boring.

Yeah, I get what you're doing there. Yeah. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. I don't know. No, I mean, let's not podcast about Facebook.

That seems like a redundant. That sounds fun, actually. No, that's what you're supposed to podcast. But here's the thing is, I don't care about you. Norm added me back and then he suggested Candy Crush to me after like this weird. A cupcake and a candy bar. This whole fucking like falling out and then, you know,

heard me talking about on the podcast and then went, yeah, all right, let's be friends again. The first thing you need to start sending me Candy Crush Saga like requests. That's a good bit. I don't know if it was a bit though, because he did it to everybody. Oh, did he? I think he was just playing Candy Crush.

I like to ask all my ex-colleagues. Yeah, Norm plays Candy Crush a lot. I remember like mentioning it to one of the time. So do you. He showed me his screen shot. I used to. I stopped playing Candy Crush. You cut it out?

It got boring, you know. Yeah, I'd be on the train trying to have a conversation today, which is slowly pull Candy Crush out of his mouth. You know, I'm starting to think that Candy Crush was actually pretty good. Now that I'm remembering what I was using Candy Crush for. You ignore your friends. Right.

Yeah, absolutely. When the people are, yeah, absolutely. Well, you would agree with that stuff. Yeah. Why don't you stop talking to an iPad as if it's a person? I keep forgetting. You know, I'm just the architect. I'm just the architect.

I've been playing one of those. Like in the Matrix. Like in the Matrix. Ergo. You're a faggot. Ergo. Ergo. Fuck yourself.

I believe that was the first time I'd ever heard that word. Yeah. Oh, me too. For sure. The Matrix. I was like, what the fuck is Ergo? And I look it up and it's there for. And I'm like, why don't you just say there for?

Yeah. Remember Darfur? Absolutely. What happened there? Yeah. I guess everybody died. Damn. Yeah.

Yeah, it's better now. You know, I've been playing. I've been playing one of those app games where you just convert different types of crystals to other types of currency and never actually play the game. You've been losing money in Bitcoin. That's not an app game. You've just lost your entire life savings of the $27 in tips.

You got at the Chinese restaurant that delivers pizza also that you work at. So I guess, oh, speaking of food, there's been a nasty trend lately of people criticizing my food on Instagram. A nasty trend. Yeah. Off limits, folks. Don't do that. Okay.

On Instagram, I expect positive encouragement. I'm a lifestyle icon. All right. I'm teaching people how to live their best lives. Yep. You got to post pictures of food, views. You got to post pictures of vacations. Yeah.

You know what? My sister told me? Just to post an up close shot of a woman's pussy you're about to fuck. No, woman's pussy you're about to eat. Yeah. My sister was telling me. To choose your own adventure. Oh, it's like dinner.

I want to write a choose your own adventure book that's all, you know, but you stick one finger in, turn to page nine. If she's five years old, turn to page 27. If she's 28, you know. Like an erotic choose your own adventure. Yeah, an erotic choose your own adventure. Nobody's ever done that before. It's child pornography and then it calls the cops.

Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Thank you. Why are you talking to the iPad? Like it's the real part? I'm not. I am acting because I'm a professional actor. That's what I was doing.

I was acting. You've never acted in your life? Yes, I have. No, you haven't. I've done theater. No. Fuck no, dude. Stop.

You don't know what you're talking about. Stop. He does. He does know what he's talking about. Stop. Control him. Absolutely. I suck.

No. No, you're okay. Okay. Yeah. So don't criticize my food on Instagram. That's not, that's not happening. You know what my sister was telling me the other day? A girl, you know a girl and she's on vacation all the time and she's in the pictures alone.

Chances are she's probably a sugar baby who gets like, well yeah, and then the guy also kind of wants to remain anonymous. Yeah. What is a sugar baby? You mean an attractive woman with options? I mean a prostitute. Yeah. This, yeah, no, it's a girl that dates a rich guy in exchange for-

It's like the counterpart to a sugar daddy. Yeah. The implication that just- Oh, what's the implication that rich men don't have emotions? Is this because you're rich now? Yeah. You're a defensive? I'm a rich man. Not that I think about it.

Yes, it is about that. It's so ridiculous. It's funny because three years ago, you weren't singing that tune. You were the poorest friend I had. I'm going to celebrate Labor Day as a rich man and enjoy my anti-communist hot dogs. So we got to talk about, you know, we got plenty of news coming up at the B Block, which we'll get to in a minute, but DACA, nobody knows what it stands for, but people are talking about a whole bunch of white women with signs that say DACA, please.

I guarantee you that was made, and somebody went to a fucking march with some big fat white lady with a DACA, please sign marching around Union Square. AAV is okay to appropriate if you're a fat white lady doing it for the right reasons. Right. You know? Man, if you didn't listen to rap until you were 25 years old, and then you discovered the magic of, you know, Beyonce or whatever the fuck got you safely into black people that you think it's okay to use AAV both.

I was at a barbecue one time and this white woman was like talking about how she got her nails did. And I was like, you know, that's funny that we say shit like that because like it's really, you know, it comes from like black culture and everyone just adopts it. And she just got really offended that I asked that I claimed to that or whatever. And she just swore up and down like, no, it's actually, I say that, like it's my own thing. I made it up. It's actually correct.

Imagine if fucking what it like T rock from trailer park boys walked into that party and how all those fucking woke retards would shit themselves. Well, what it was, I got them like, damn, Julian, like one of those fucking dudes showed up to be like, you can't act like that only we can because we tried for years to be Betty Page and that didn't work. So now we're right queens. Now I'm, now I'm, I'm baby two step on Twitter and I fucking, you know, I have corn rows and I talk like that.

Yeah. It's all right that you're racist too. It's just like, you know, just, just own it. Right. Exactly. Be like, I've got a racist. The problem is that it's fucking corny and transparent. Anybody with like behavior where you can see the motivations and like they don't realize

it's that transparent, it's fucking grading and obnoxious. Yeah. Let's say you're embarrassed for them. Well, it's why it's better to be autistic and be completely incapable of fitting in and so then you don't have to worry about doing that shit by accident. Yeah. You know, there's never been an autistic wigger, but what if there was that actually, you know what, Jake, that's a good contribution that would be like a good ass character for the

show. You want to try? You want to take it away? You want to steal it from you? All right. Um, um, okay. What do wiggers say? It would be like, yo, what's up, man?

Y'all like, um, not making it. Thank you. I see where you're going. You set him up, dude. Well, he was, it's shit or get off the pot. Yeah. I'm going to do a good wigger. I feel like the reason you offended those white women though is because they genuinely

think that they stole that not from black people, but from gay guys who that, who in turn stole it from black people. Yeah. It starts, it's all white. It's all black women, then gay men and then white women. That's like the human centipede. Absolutely. Thank you.

It's loud. It's fucked. Yeah. I've realized the levels are wrong on stuff. So I had to fix it. Cause he was a little quiet before. Absolutely. Thank God he's not quiet now.

Yeah. Get that laugh going. Damn. Woo. Woo. All right. All right. All right.

All right. Well, yeah. You're ready. It goes from black men, black men to gay men to white women. Black women. Woo. Oh yeah. Black women.

They're like the slay queen. Woo. They started it. Yeah. They're like the guys. To RACIS. To RACIS. The right end of me is just unabashedly saying it.

Woo. For fun. What if Richard Spencer started saying like slay queens? Yes, dude. Oh, that'd be so fucking cool. Yeah. That'd be good. Yeah.

That's at the right level right there. Nice, dude. Me too. Nice. Nice. Nice. All right. All right.

All right. I suck. Me too. I suck. Me too. Absolutely. Damn. Okay.

and upload it, or whatever, you know what this is? This is called, you guys right now, everybody listening out there, you're beta testers. Oh yeah, that's what they say in the tech biz. So yeah, so Jake, they're getting rid of DACA and you're a real authentic Despacito we got on the show. Yeah, nobody in my immediate family is affected by this. So how do you feel, though?

Well, I mean, obviously it's bad, but like for someone who's probably got like one cousin that is affected by this, it would be very like lame to be like, as a, you know, as a deeply POC queer, I have a weird haircut, man, of I'm black now too. As someone who recently got their nails did, very concerned about DACA, please. Yeah, DACA was actually what I was planning on naming

my mixed race daughter that I have in my head when I go around saying these things. Yeah. Oh, it's okay for me to say I get my nails did. I have a fictional mixed race daughter that exists in my head when I go, when I show up to Labor Day parties. Yeah, affordable care act.

That's what it stands for, because Obama made it. So you heard it here first. You heard it here first folks from a real Mexican. He doesn't care. No, it's bad. It's still bad. He doesn't care. You don't have to be personally,

I fucking tied to every issue. Because it doesn't affect his shitty family. How about a DACA, but it's a Mexican guy going, I have to DACA sheet. Please, you know where there is a bathroom. I have to DACA sheet. So that is why I had the tiger. She's so bad.

Sov likes it. He does. Yeah. So Jake, you don't care about this. No, I do care. I just don't care about the dreamers. That's not what I don't like. I'm against it just because of that gay ass.

Yeah. Why do they have to give them the dreamers? Because Obama came over that. Yeah. No, fuck that, dude. Those people deserve not only to be deported, but to have their fucking underwear pulled up through their ass cheeks

and have their lunch money taken away. Yeah, I'm a dreamer. You know what, I don't want any dreamers in this country. Why don't you wake the fuck up and get to work? That's because they like sleeping so much. That's why they're called the dreamers. But you finish that goddamn drywall and start a week and a half.

You missed what Jake said. Stop taking that siesta and dreaming so much. Yeah, stop, stop it, you lazy Mexican. Oh, no, they're not just dreamers. You know what they eat? Lentils and fucking rice and shit. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, that shit sucks.

Oh yeah, dude. Yeah, I don't know, man. I mean, it's bad, but does you don't have to... Everything doesn't have to be personally about you posting and going, it's actually, you know, once I met a Mexican person, and that's why I feel this way. You can just read the paper and just be like,

oh, this is bad news because it's bad, bad thing is happening to other people. Well, just from personal experience, as someone that was almost beat up in high school by two Mexican girls. Stop, shut up. Stop cutting off my story. God, I'm trying to finish.

He's laughing here for almost being beat up by women. Yeah. No, I'm laughing here for almost being beat up by women. They were seniors and I was a freshman. Nice, dude. Yeah. And they did that whole, why are you looking at me thing?

Hell yeah. I was like, I wasn't looking at anything. They're like, are you guys dreaming? Did you dream your way into this country? Yeah, they just sleptwalked across the border. You know what's a good term? Anchor babies. Yeah.

It's like a little Popeye baby. A little baby that does the news. Absolutely. That sounds cool. That sounds like a good baby. I fell asleep in class one time in ninth grade and when I woke up, they were just like fucking just like 12 big ass

like bounce girls just like twerking on my, like around my desk. In Houston? Yeah, I was fucking awesome. Oh, it's sick. Dude, hell yeah, dude. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. I mean, they were fucking with me

because I fell asleep, but it was pretty fine. Nice, dude. Nice. That's a good idea for a movie though. Going back. Anchorman 3, Anchor Baby. How about a movie called I've Never Been Torqued On? And it's like I've never been kissed.

Oh yeah. But it's about a guy that delivers pizza for a Chinese food restaurant. Goes back to high school. So black women can run his face up and down their ass cheeks to Drake. Yeah, and he's 30 and they're teenagers and it's great. It's everything you ever dreamed of.

Yeah, that was kind of the premise of that movie. She goes back to school. To rape kids. Then she has sex with children. It's kind of a fucked up movie. Yeah, that movie should be against the rules. I'd like to see a mashup of that and what women want called what 12-year-old girls want starring Mel Gibson.

All right, what about a reboot? Replace Drew Barrymore, Jared Fogle. Never been kissed, too. Thank you, stuff. How about Never Taking a Sheet? I had never taken a sheet in my life. That's going to do it for the first half of the show. Reference tier is A-block on the notes if you look at that.

Really? We made a half hour on that? That is 32 minutes. Not bad. And then we're going to take a quick commercial break word from these sponsors. More like 5 AM. Absolutely.

And then we will be back with more Stavros soundboard, folks. We've got a big tech heavy episode today. Stay tuned. Well, folks, you know what time it is. It's the fashion corner where I go over my best fashion tips for you. As many of you know, I became fat in Los Angeles.

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OK, we're back. Yes. Well, we were kind of light on notes for the second half. Damn. So I don't know. We got four doozies. I'm looking at the list right now. We skipped a fitness corner.

Oh, we did. We did skip a fitness corner. I do want to talk about fitness for a little bit. Hurricane predictions, we got more shit. Yeah. The fitness corner, item number one, is Jake, do you exercise at all? I ride a bike for a living.

You ride a bike for a living. I mean, that's the one thing I do. Interesting. Now, would you recommend riding? You have to understand, this is a lifestyle podcast. Yeah. People listen to this because they see our lifestyle, and they want to one day achieve that through,

I don't know, positive thinking or treating girls like shit at the bar. There's a lot of different ways to become a. Obsessively, dementedly listening to just this podcast, and then DMing everyone all the time. There's a lot of many ways to become. What you do is you go on social media, and you find someone to idolize.

And it's got to be somebody that's a real piece of shit, a real sociopath. You've got to find somebody that probably went to jail for assault at some point, and has a lawyer whose job it is to specifically erase every trace of that from the internet. You post pictures of yourself on boats with guns and shit. What's the guy's name? Blizzarian?

Right, Dan. Dan Blizz. Blizzern. Blizzarian. Blizzern. That's what it was. Is he Armenian? I would assume so, dude.

Armenians always have the dumbest fucking names. Blizzarian. Absolutely. Yeah. They're the dumb. And you know who's type isn't like? Albanians. Right?

He hates him. He hates him. Dirty. Absolutely. Damn. Right? Right? That's.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I hate that one so fucking much. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That's soft. That's soft working out. There we go. And we got some energy back in the show. That's what we've been missing.

Yeah. So fitness corner, Jake, you ever do any like pull ups or anything like that? Not a long time. I used to probably been about five years since I've done a pull up. To be honest with you. Yeah.

Yeah. Now, when you worked at the Grackle and there's that cage like around the outside of the bar of the patio, just do pull ups all day, not check equals IDs. They just walk past. This is seriously so fucking funny. So I like posted a picture on Instagram of those BCAAs and a can of corn in the PlayStation controller,

which like there's no reason to buy BCAAs. The only reason I have those. What is it? It's branch chain amino acids. Oh, cool. And like you're supposed to drink them like pre and post workout if you're like training fasted because it's supposed to help you like retain muscle mass

if you're not eating while you're lifting weights or something like that. I don't know. You're supposed to do it if you're doing lean gains. Only why I get them is because like, you know, you're supposed to drink a shit ton of water throughout the day if you're exercising. And like, I don't like the taste of water.

Oh, you're one of those people? I basically use this shit as crystal light. I fucking, I mean, I drink a gallon of bottled water a day, but then that, I like the way it tastes. So it helps me get in extra water from the tap. Let's drink like, you know, four or five shaker cups of, of the BCAAs or whatever. But I posted that picture and Blake text me, yo dog,

do those BCAAs help for real? Been thinking about picking some up. Blake is addicted to crack cocaine. I'm not joking. When you posted your meal yesterday, he posted, he had a really good comment. And what did Blake say? I forget now.

Yeah, great job. Thanks, dude. Maybe he said even your food is autistic or something like that. Yeah, that sounds like a great own. Stop, what do you think of that? Yeah, sorry, the iPad wants to sleep. The iPad is in diabetic shock right now. Well, let's stop.

Nice, dude. Nice, dude. Thank you. Nice, dude. Yeah, I don't know. The thing about Blake is that he is not, he's clean from crack, but every time he quits something, then, you know, that shit when you're sober for like a week

and then you're like, I'm writing a book and I'm into lifting weights and it all just like, you know, sort of culminates in like a huge bender just break down and you start doing a drug even worse than crack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like crocodile or some shit. I can't wait to see the crocodile. Blake's next thing.

Freya and other air conditioners and shit. I just can't. Because it's so funny because it's like, BCAs are probably useless. There's probably no reason for them. Like a whey protein supplement is pretty good. Like if you need to get enough protein, but you're like trying to limit your caloric, you know,

intake, you know, if you want to, like if you're, if you're trying to like, you know, only eat a certain amount, but you still need a shit ton of protein whey is like a good way to do that. But for the rest, like everything else in GNC is bullshit. Like none of that shit works. They just make it look like it, that there might be steroids in it.

Yeah. And then they get people who are literally on steroids to be like, I take this shit before working out. And it gets me fucking pumped. And like the syringe is hanging out of the fucking lower eyelid, you know, and like, this is the only thing I take is an explode 2x911. It's the 911 BCAA supplement made from the jet fuel

that literally melted, fuck, now this thing is fucking up because you didn't watch that court, Adam. What, I didn't do anything. You fucking piece of shit. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Oh, hey, good timing. Thanks.

You don't need stov. Yeah, I don't. I can say hell yeah. Yeah, you can say hell yeah. But it's so funny that that's what Blake messaged me. First of all, if I look back at my text with Blake, it's just me saying, hey, I'm in Williamsburg. Let's get a coffee.

No response. Where are you at? I'm in Williamsburg, like once every four months. Whenever I'm in Williamsburg, I'll message Blake. Hats off to him. You know what? I don't know why he's asking me for advice, lifestyle advice.

If you can manage to be addicted to crack cocaine and continue to live in Williamsburg. Ah, it's the ultimate lifestyle. Two blocks away from the Bedford style. From the train. Yeah, right. Not even shitty south. Damn, I had to move into some dump in Central Park West

to fucking shoot heroin into my asshole. I have to shit out of my dick now because my asshole's just for heroin. Yeah, but Central Park West. I mean, how the fuck? How'd you do it? Yeah, I don't know. Absolutely.

You guys don't know this because you don't know Blake Majette. I got to make a Blake soundboard. He isn't. That is a really good impression you do. Yeah. He's just, I was like, crusty the clown. He's crusty without the makeup on.

No sleeves. Kind of used to be in a band. I fucking ran into him on the street the other day and he was wearing one of those sleeveless Japanese porn shirts. It's the gay Japanese porn. And I was like, yeah, I heard this is the thing you're doing now.

He's like, I've always done this. It's like, no, you haven't. I've known you, I would have seen that before. Somebody told me you're going around. We're in a Japanese gay porn shirt. Wait, is gay Japanese porn? Multiple gay Japanese porn. Yeah, he thinks it's funny or?

Of course. That's so funny. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, when Jimmy Dean sandwiched burger or breakfast sandwich. Really funny when you're smoking crack, like I have always been whatever the fuck you're

doing for that week. Your memory goes back to very, very like just a wall and then somewhere way back before you fucking smoked crack and shit. You know, he's just always been this human that is bartending in Williamsburg and cutting the sleeves off of his shirts and shit right now. And I guess he told me he's getting it,

but he's getting into fitness because his band's getting back together or some shit. Oh, right. Yeah. But he's going to get back. Last time his band got back together, he ended up living with like an insane Chinese. I think that's where the coke started.

Yeah. Yeah. He's like, oh, my band, we're going on tour again for the first time in 15 years. Then he came back and he's like, this Chinese girl's moving in to be my wife. I live with this Chinese girl now who was a nightmare. Dude, no one liked hanging out with her.

She sucks. We were all hanging out in the patio one night just drinking, hanging out in the patio like seven people. And she comes downstairs with a dinner plate with a bunch of blow on it, like a whole fucking like eight ball on the dinner plate. Holy shit. And she's like, who wants to do blow?

And everyone takes a look at the plate and then they look at her. And individually, everyone's like, you know, we're all right, I guess. Yeah, everyone used cocaine. Everyone just scurred the hell. Free cocaine. Because they didn't want to hang out with her.

Because they didn't want to hang out with her. And she's like, oh, OK. And then just goes back up the stairs, you know, back to the apartment by herself. Blake said he found that plate of cocaine just in the cupboard. She put it back in the cupboard. She didn't even do the code.

Did you do the code? Yeah, she just got it to hang out with people. That fucking hard. Can you imagine that? She told me I was gross from the core, the night I met her. And he was like, she sounds great. I also missed that fucking show because I was on a truck full of crusties to try to get from New York

to Richmond to see their band play. And I would tell them, like, the name of the bar is like, it's like Flamingo Bar or something like that. And they fucking showed up to some place called like Flaming Joes or something. And they were like, it's great. They're just fucking literate, idiot crusties. They also had like guns and shit.

And we're telling about people they robbed. They're fucking morons. The hobo lifestyle. Yep, getting on the freight trains with your bindle. That's something that's what you aspire to be as a 20-year-old comic is some guy that has to ride trains to gigs. It's a truck.

And hang out with fucking with crusties, armed crusties. Legitimately, in your comedy career, when you upgrade from Megabus to Amtrak, that is like, that is the level. That's bigger than flying. Because when you fly to a gig, it's because you have to. Yeah, yeah. You know, when I first started featuring and you would fly, and then you would almost break, you

make $200 for the weekend after you take the cost of the flight out of the pay from the club. But it felt pretty cool to be in the airport on business and the business being, you know, to work. I'm a comedian, and then you jam into like a fucking spirit, you know, economy seat. They charge you for wearing clothes. Right, yeah, you just have to wear one pair.

You have to ride spirit naked. The clothes cost money. Yeah. It's extra money to speak Spanish. Please do not speak Spanish on Spirit Airlines. Absolutely. Thank you. I suck.

Me too. There's two stops now. Interesting. The flat ticket. It does. Oh, yeah, dude. Hell, yeah. Woo.

So I know a guy who took these fucking supplements. I can't remember what the one was called. It was big like 10 years ago, but it was like. No, it just turned your muscles into, they would just retain water. So you would just look jacked and you're just like, creatine. Yeah, it's creatine.

Creatine works out. Yeah, but what happens when you stop taking it? Doesn't it just deflate you? Yeah, you deflate. But what creatine helps with is it it gives you, it helps you recover faster, and then it gives you more energy in the gym. Yeah.

Yeah, there's some study that says it helps your muscles synthesize ATP faster or something or whatever. Can you take it just for your dick? Is that possible? No. No interest. That's a stop question.

Hell, yeah, dude. No, that was good. That was good. He would ask that kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Steve's dick doesn't work. Nick also today presented me with a gift. The first gift I think you've ever given me.

That's true. Interesting. I now have a weight belt, which I definitely will be too embarrassed to wear in the gym. Yeah, I gave Adam a weightlifting belt because he hurt his back doing deadlifts. So Adam has a belt now to maintain his intra-abdominal pressure while he deadlifts that little pink five pound

dumbbell. So your organs don't pierce through right down the wall. Sorry, I mean, it erupts. He's laughing at Adam. Oh, he's laughing at you making fun of me. Yes, dude. Right? It's just Adam's gay, you know?

I wish I had him. I should have gotten him saying Adam's gay. You know? That would be better. Don't keep your fucking hands off. Stop. Let me play. Don't touch.

Stop. I want to play. Keep your hands off. Stop. I love that that one was short laugh. And that was about four seconds long. Well, listen, here's long laugh. And then the cackles are the best ones.

Seven cackles. That's a good one. Cackle number six. The last one you played? The one before that? Cackle six is an add-on. So the rest of these, that one's an accoutrement. So here's cackle four.

Cackle six is an add-on. So the rest of these, that one's an accoutrement. So here's cackle four. Cackle six is after you said something racist. No, no. You do cackle three. And then you punch it with cackle six. So it's...

Right. That's the one where it's like... You really cross the line. You know? Hell yeah, dude. See? And then there's different... Hell yeah, dude.

Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. And that's as he gets tired throughout the show. Hell yeah, dude. Yes, dude. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah.

Oh, dude. Hell yeah, dude. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yeah. Yes, yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, yes. You know? Woo! Great, yeah. So that's going to be on the Android and... No, I don't know how to make Android apps. Yeah, if you...

I guess I could. You really should be listening to Comtown... I don't see why it would be that difficult. And I really wrote this for the iPad. I guess it would be pretty easy to make it universal. But, yeah. What I need is an Apple Watch app. Stop on the Apple Watch.

Yeah. Maybe I'll do that next. Can you make them into Siri? Holy shit, that would be pretty fucking sweet. You'd be like, hey Siri, what's the weather today? A cupcake and a candy bar. Hey Siri, what movies are playing? Fried Spam, Peanut Oil, Forty Jimmy Dean sandwich burger,

or breakfast sandwiches, quadruple deck fucking burger, lentils and fucking rice, a cupcake and a candy bar. Five of these. That's a fucking funny one. Yeah, I wish... I had one that I pulled from the episode that I took all these from, where he just goes, Billy Joel. Oh man, I wish that was on the app.

Yeah, I just ran out of time. I did a fucking go do a bunch of shit. I was walking fast like some Puerto Rican dude there today. He's the most fucking Puerto Rican shit ever. Some angry guy was just... Bring that pussy over here so I could cheat on it. Is that the most Puerto Rican shit ever? I mean, pretty much.

He was just wearing a wife beater looking all angry and he just stood up to no one and just went, my cousin! Just like a part of a sentence that had nothing. What about your cousin? Furious either at him or something happened to him or something? Yeah. He stared into the wind like a fucking pit bull.

Yes. My Puerto Rican neighbor, Victor, has been using our garbage can, guys. Hell yeah. For what? For throwing out his food, dude. Interesting. What kind of food? Puerto Rico.

Fava beans? Whatever man, this shit's boring. Who cares? Alright, let's go back to the notes. There's a new Uncharted game coming out. Uncharted? Interesting. Uncharted is like the Indiana Jones one?

Yeah, but this one has a girl in it. No! Fuck no, dude. Stop, you should think more. Actually, Stop wouldn't agree with me on that. He doesn't get on board with the all right stuff. He would say, a girl, maybe I could eat her pussy. Hell yeah, dude.

That's more his speed. Absolutely. Yeah. That was all about eating pussy and then somehow pretending it's a type of feminism. Woo! Fuck. Hillary has a new book out where she blames Bernie Sanders for being unfuckable. Yeah, yeah.

How many fucking books is this bitch gonna write? Absolutely. She's got like one every fucking two weeks. Damn. That one book is just like, I owned slaves, chapter seven, and then to like put it out. Yes. It's funny how like nobody caught that for like a year or two. They didn't catch that during the election.

No, that book came out in like 1996. Oh, yeah. It wasn't It Takes a Village? That was a different book? No, it was I Own a Village. It's not I Own the Village. Yeah. And It Takes a Village for me.

Oh yeah, dude. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, dude. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jake, have you read any of the Hillary Clinton books? You seem like you hate Hillary enough to read her books. Yeah, I mean, I would hate to read her books.

The new one that everyone's pissed off about isn't out yet. So it's just that a screenshot of a page came out where she cited a Facebook post that was like, Bernie wants to give you a pony. And the pony is not realistic. Remember? And Hillary's like, well guys, maybe like no. And then it's very like very, it's retarded fucking Facebook posts. Apparently.

Remember those posts? It was like the blue background with the thing on the bottom. Yeah. Hillary and the Bernie version. And then somebody, I forget who, they wrote that fucking like medium post that was in all capital letters. And it was like, that's your fucking point? Is that she's not cool?

Seriously? Yeah, I'm fucking using all caps because I don't give a shit anymore. You know, it's like girl power time. The gloves are off. Caps locks on. Yeah, exactly. Key word. And it's just so funny that those people didn't get it.

It's like, no, the point isn't that she's not cool. It's that her whole campaign is centered around being cool and it doesn't work. That was the whole fucking point is that she's the cool mom and so trust us, she's cool. That's why that fucking onion article was so good. The one that was like, I'm fun by Hillary Clinton. It's like, I am fun. I both enjoy having fun and producing fun. Yeah.

Well, that's what she was all about was like trying to brand herself to not talk about our actual policies because there's shit that people don't fucking like. Whatever, man. This shit's boring. Who cares? North Korea has a hydrogen bomb. They've tested it in an underground cave. That's pretty cool.

Whatever, man. Who cares? Are you fielding phone calls right now, Adam? No, I just silenced a phone call because we're on the podcast. You should. Phone's away while we do the show. Phone's away. Okay.

Absolutely. No chewing gum. Adam likes to look at gay porn on his phone while we're doing the show. No, I don't. Interesting. Yeah. I look at straight porn. Me too.

Fava beans. That's not straight porn. It's all about the food. No, it's not. It's straight porn. Whatever, man. This shit's boring. Who cares?

Yeah. So North Korea's got a bomb. They've got a bomb. And Trump has been. Yes, dude. Yeah. It's cool. They just did a hydrogen bomb test.

And Trump is now saying that he might put sanctions against any country that has any relations with them. And that would include China and South Korea, I guess. That bomb can only reach LA. What does he have? South Korea is their enemy. North Korea doesn't have any bigger enemies in South Korea. I don't get how that works.

I think that it's like, you know, he didn't necessarily serve in Vietnam, but it's a very Vietnam-style logic where he's like, you know, back when you were in the shit, okay, you couldn't tell the difference between Charlie and who's friendlies. You got to kill them all. You got to mow them all down. They're all named Charlie for some reason. Yeah. And they're all named Charlie.

I don't understand why. They're American guys' name. Yeah. They're the fuck. The Leroy's are coming for us, you know? What's that short for? Victor Charlie? Charlie was.

Charlie Hebdo. Charlie Hebdo, I think. Yeah. Oh, there is a new Charlie Hebdo that dropped. The story of where Gooke came from is so funny. Where did that go? It's because like, the word American in Vietnamese or something, or maybe it was Korea, is like Mi Gooke.

So Korean people would say Mi Gooke, Mi Gooke, and then the GIs would be like, okay, Gooke. Yeah. Those are cavemen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear a lot of languages. I asked somebody in high school and they were like, it's hot guy and buck guy or like white person. And you say you went to school with like some Korean kid.

His name is like suck. Suck my dick. I have a bunch of them. I went to school with these two Chinese guys. They were identical twins and they were both named DONG. And no, they're both named DONG. And like they would, there's one of them was like real teacher like, oh, I think I'm going to butcher this shitty faggot.

Yo, that's me. Oh, shitty faggot. This is my twin brother shitty faggot. And they were both the same name. Am I saying it right? Are you sure shitty faggot? Yeah, that's shit. That's my name.

They're H I T T Y space. Oh T. Yeah, they were both super jacked and one of them was like real into fashion. They're also like, they would throw each other around like acrobats and shit. And one of them was a real shifty and like into gambling and he would just like sidle up to you in the hallway and then throw down this mat that had like all these different farm animals faces on it. And then these dice and you throw the dice down under a cup and throw dollars

on the thing. And if you would put like dollars down, I'm like, I'm thinking I'm going to get three pigs or three chickens or whatever. It's fucking weird. Based on what the role was. Yeah, but it was this insane, like Chinese gambling system that I've hence since never seen. Yeah, celestial gambling.

Jesus, you rolled two ones. Slat eyes. Box cars. Get to work. Show me number seven. Rucky number seven. Yeah, claps. I've never played craps.

I used to deal it. I don't really remember how it fucking works. It was somebody that craps was a fake game they made up for the movies because all the games in Vegas are copyrighted. So you can't shoot them without paying royalties to Vegas. It's not true. Yeah, of course, it's not true. I told someone that.

God damn it, dude. That's not true. You're talking shit about Vegas. That's not fucking true. I've got a tidbit. Whatever, man. He cares. No, shut up.

Does anyone want to hear Adam tell a tidbit about Vegas? No. Fuck no, dude. That's rude. I agree. Second stuff. Thank you for stuff. How many stops are there?

Absolutely. Me too. Me too. Nice, dude. Oh, so many stops. Nice, nice. They're replicating. Right, right, right, right.

Very quickly. It's fat. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. This is going to be super elusive. What? People are going to love this. Look, I'm getting into making music. A cupcake and a candy bar.

And you should appreciate it. Five of beans? That's a hot track right there. You've been in this too. I'm the next. I'm Starbucks. You lived in Vegas? I grew up there.

Damn. His parents took a gamble. They, they, they bet on not gay. They've lost. The big gamble is figuring out how to make our son not gay. I love how you make my dad. Roll the dice. You make my dad Steve Erwin.

Boy, Kroger is me. Adam's dead. He didn't have got bad news. If you turn out gay, you're headed to Femley. The Femley. The Femley. I'm sorry, dad. Damn.

I'm dead. George, but Bill Clinton. I'm Bill Clinton. Dad, it's me. Adam. I'm father's old and I'm gay. Adam, it's me. You're gay, son.

Adam. Wow. That's really good, Nick. I guarantee you. I will stop being gay by the time I turn 30. I did not have sex with that woman because I'm gay. I've never had sex with any woman ever. Because I'm gay.

Because I'm gay. She said her name was Monica Lewinsky and I said, is there any way you could introduce me to a Montel Lewinsky, a Jewish black man? I'm trying to suck a Lenny Kravitz style dick. It's me, 14-year-old Adam Friedland, and I guarantee you, I guarantee you, I will be straight by the time I turn 32 years old. I promise. Thanks.

Oh, yeah. Damn. That was a really, that was a good bit. It was me as a gay 14-year-old Bill Clinton. Oh, yeah, dude. That was, that was, that was, that might go in the classic. Yeah. Well, let's wrap this up.

It's Back to School coming up. Awesome. Cool, cool. I spelled cool with a K here. That's good, that's good. Cool things to buy your kids for school. Why don't you raise some tech kids, get them an iPad, teach them how to fucking program. Mm-hmm.

You know? Mm-hmm. I tell you what, we had to get TI-83s for school when I was a kid. Yeah. And I learned how to program the TI-83, and that was the beginning of me becoming a faggot. Mm-hmm. You know? Do your mom take you to get a new outfit?

No, never. You never had a new outfit. I wore sweat suits. You never got like, you guys have to wear them. You never got a quick silver shirt. I remember all the shirts, and when I was in eighth grade, all of the shirts I had. First of all, I mean, I just had shirts from like elementary school on. I just collected shirts, but all of my new clothes for that year was like one of those

like tourist, you know, like place it like in the streets in D.C., where they have like T-shirts to say Washington, D.C. Or like FBI. They were throwing out those shirts. They were getting rid of them. And your mom? It was like $5 for like 10 shirts, and I had like nine different shirts that said, you know, like 10 shirts that just said Washington, D.C.

Did you wear like a female body inspector shirt? I did. I still have an FBI shirt. Oh, you do? Yeah. It didn't say, it just said FBI on it. Oh, okay. But you know what that stands for?

It stands for female body inspector. I said that to somebody one time, and this cooler older kid was like, have you ever inspected a female body? And I was like, no. I don't like how hard he's laughing at that. Damn. Yeah, he's laughing. Did you ever have to wear like the polo shirts and the khakis and shit?

No. You ever watched The Wire? No, I didn't wear those like weird maroon polo shirts. Oh, yeah. Like uniforms. Yeah. We had to wear that shit. And it was fucking funny because if you showed up and you weren't wearing like a belt that

made you wear like a cord, like Jimbo or shit. Like an extension cord? Yeah. Yeah. Like an extension cord. And like it didn't matter because like the idea is to like make it to where everyone's equal to like, you know, because it's embarrassing if someone's dookie and they don't have like good clothes or whatever.

But like there was, I mean, it was just like giant fucking bullies just dressed like, like weird, you know, preppy fucking like yacht guys. Just like there was this kid, there was this giant blackhead in middle school who was like, I don't know, like seven feet tall or something and like, like eighth grade and he would just run into a class and just like flip your desk over and just go chop. He just had like a catchphrase, which was chop and then he switched it to slice halfway through the year. And like, it would change everything.

It was fucking tight, man. Dude, there was like nerds though. Here are these two twins, my sister's year that like, you know, like when you're twins, whatever, man, this shit's boring. Who cares? Stop. That's me. What are some cool things to buy your kids for school going back to school?

Pot. Yeah. That would, that is a cool thing to buy your kids. You know what, I think if I had a daughter, I would buy her one of those long, slippery ass dildos. You know, one of those 17 inch, fucking blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue. You know, this one's just shaking people like a wand. So fucking binds office.

It's going into her pussy for the first time because why'd you buy me this? I don't know. I don't know. I was back to school. I want your pussy feel good. I didn't really do well in school. I kind of figured things out on my own. Yeah, that's true.

You're going to have to, you know what, you're going to have to figure things out on your own. Here's the deal though. Nick, you were, were you ever like those kids that were like, I don't need a backpack. I'm just going to carry the books. Do you ever do that? You seem like one of those. No.

You know what I would do is I would get assigned my books, I would put them all in my fucking backpack. I would never do any work. I have no, I'd never used a locker. I have no idea where any of my lockers were. And then I would just walk around with an additional like 50 pounds of unused books. Yeah. Why do we do that to kids?

I don't know, dude. I'm just fucked up now. Still. Yeah. I still have the chronic back pain. Yeah. My parents really tried to sell me on the rolling backpack. They're like, it'll be so much better for your back.

And I'm like, now when somebody fucking kicks your back in half, you get your ass kicked. Rape you with a broomstick because you're fucking stupid backpack. Yeah. That is a 14 year old. There's nothing I would love more than a rolling backpack. I would love to march directly in to the girl's locker room, which I use with my brand new rolling backpack filled to the brim with those long slippery dildos, the ones I like. The slippery.

I think the slipper is so funny in the car. Dear dad. Yes, Adam. Can I have that dildo? What are you doing in there? Nothing. Certainly not inserting a long slippery dildo directly into my ass. You can speak.

You're allowed to small but it's very funny because he's like four feet tall and looking up at you. But doing the thumb thing still you guys can't see I'm doing the thumb thing, which where you point with your thumb through your index finger, which seals the Bill Clinton impression. The proctology thing. That's how you do it. You got to have it. Thanks.

Thank you. Oh man. Five of these. A cupcake and a candy bar. Forty Jimmy Dean sandwich burger or breakfast sandwich is more like five am. Whoa. That's synergy. That's the end of the episode folks.

Thank you. Absolutely. Take care.