The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 69 – Valero Boss

Episode Date: September 14, 2017

You probably thought we had something big planned for episode 69 but the truth is i think 69/420 jokes aren't funny and they annoy me. Sorry to derail the episode description there but it's true. It's not a good joke. also it would have been cool if it s

And I'm back back in business baby and in the booth the flu something something wicked For knock me out. Yeah, you were fucked. I'm back. I lost I Think seven or eight pounds. So there's no longer fat Nick. Yeah, you look good. No, I'm still fat No, you look better. I lost. No, I got you know what I did. I got an expensive scale that Shoots electrodes to your body to tell you exactly what what can I get on it? It says I lost bone while I was sick That I have bone loss I can I can supply with a little bone pal Actually, you know, you say that as a joke, but a lot of people don't know that Stav's dick actually has a bone in it

Yep, really? So it's hard. I'm stiffed up 24 7 25 8 the Greeks evolved from birds That's why you go back way. That's right All the people that had history like way back in time they evolved from Birds and reptiles and shit and all the newer people like the Irish and blacks were apes No, it's true. I read this book It's just cool. I found this like 250 year old book in the library was called. It's an old science book It's old. It means it's good. It's called where those the eye why the Irish and the blacks are so dirty by

by professor George Washington Highly respected medical and science book and it's time And it says that if you if you scrub a black person hard enough Eventually, they'll turn into an Irish interesting What did they say? What did this tome have to say about Jews? I don't think they were around yet. Oh, they were around 250. I feel like

Professor George Washington had some opinions about Jews. Oh the Jews were the first people everyone. That's not you They were around forever. Absolutely not Adam the first man. He wasn't Jewish It wasn't Jewish. He wasn't Jewish He he was a Christian. She was like Christians came first and then they invented Judaism later when Jesus No, the first Jew is Abraham Jesus fucked up and got him up on some bullshit charges That's right, and they're like this is really gonna free my man. Jesus is gonna be bad PR And so all of Jesus's boys were like, yes Let's blame it on Jews

Somebody was like what are Jews and they're like They they read con guys. They read con Jews Those guys over there Those fight those big nose guys with shitty sandals. They all have anybody that likes deals Anybody, you know those guys is just to have that voice What is that? That there's just like a group of friends. They're all annoying And that's the story. Wow, that's the story of Hanukkah interesting Wow Jesus started Hanukkah Yeah, well, no Jesus just went to jail. Jesus got you're trying to promote the subway sandwiches of the time

Yeah, which was the Bible Well, Jesus was a Bernie, bro. He was anti banks. Yeah, dude. Actually he was actually no Marxist. No, he wasn't he was Uh, he was a he was a libertarian Jesus was libertarian. Yep. Well, then they stole the concept of Jesus from was Zoroaster and their guy. It was just uh It's like Freddie Mercury basically. Oh, why must that? Yeah, so their God was Freddie Mercury And that's who Jesus is based on. Oh Queen Wow, we're learning a lot today. Yeah, well, you know, I've been doing a lot of reading while I've been sick in bed

Well, you've been having the flu. Yeah, you seem smarter. Yeah, well the what the flu does I also read this in my book. Yeah, the George Washington. Yeah, when you get sick, you need to start cutting yourself Uh-huh, and it gets all the black blood out of your sister. You need that the humors. Yeah That's what an illness is according to Mr. Washington. You gotta bleed it out. The Greeks the Greeks came up with that Yeah, we thought I remember they thought fluid in your body is like if they maintain like a balance of your humors fluid Mm-hmm. That's right. I I kind of do the same thing now with I have four fluids cold brew a green juice Come kombucha come and come yeah, that's fluid. So I just have to if I'm running on all those I'm feeling good and Adderall I'm starting to think it might not have been the flu. I inhaled a bunch of iron dust

Mm-hmm from what I was grinding the inside of a cast iron to resurface it You really wait. Yeah, I got a pretty smooth. You can go look at it I didn't I didn't re-season it right away. So it immediately has just started. Yeah, that was so why don't you just re-season it? No, no, it has now. I have to throw it out. Why did you grind how much? No, they're like fucking $15 on Amazon Oh, they're the lodge ones and they have like a bumpy surface Yeah, but if you just go at it with a with an orbital sander and like a secret You can get it to like a pretty smooth finish work your way out

I'll get a mirror finish on that. Why do you want that then I could see myself a little stank on it No, I'm going mirrors everywhere Yeah, now that you're slightly less fat No, what I was gonna do is I was gonna resurface or just re-season it But then like I was trying to get all the gunk off and I couldn't so I used a wire brush Get it off and then you fuck that up a little. I guess you know what? I'll just take this all the way the fuck down. It's like when you eat a little chocolate bunny Yeah, and you have the ear you're like

I'm just gonna stop at the ear and then you keep nibbling and then it's just the bunny's feet and you're like I got to eat the bunny that Yeah, I don't know that is eat a chocolate rabbit meant for a child seasonal chocolate You motherfuckers have never nibbled at a chocolate bunny like no And you're only candy only in stores in in an early April. It's September now That's not something you've experienced you've eaten too much of a chocolate rabbit that you're going to get a piece of No, you're learning on that one. Oh, come on. I'm imagining I'm imagining a young Stavra's befriending the rabbit and then crying as he Can't help but kill his friend with his fucking eating problem. He's too hungry. Yeah, that's legitimately. That would be a huge issue

If pets were edible, I would 100% have eaten my pets, dude. There's no way No, you know what I'm saying if you just took a bite of me dogs were made of chocolate and they were living and shit Stop dogs are made of chocolate. Really? That's why they're allergic to it. Oh Too much chocolate. That makes sense. Yeah for real though I would eat I if my if you like and if all pets were made of a large chocolate things It didn't melt because of whatever magic But you could bite them. Uh-huh if life was basically like that episode of Simpsons where Homer's thinking about We are from the land of chocolate. Yeah, yeah the land of chocolate then I would eat them then I would eat my pet

Um Yeah, so anyways, we should probably talk about a hot item somebody asked me to comment on the PewDiePie story What what what he's a he's being persecuted. Yeah, well, I think you know first of all, I don't know what the fuck I don't use you said the n-word. I'm not a YouTube guy I don't understand that YouTube world all all I know of PewDiePie is that I was walking past Barnes and Noble two years ago And he was speaking there. Oh Oh, what and I assumed it was some more of that like with that towel in what was the name of that that genre of town? Yeah, mumble core. No, not mumble core. Oh core it all all lit or all lit. Yeah, I

Guess that's not what PewDiePie is. No, I know but I assume that's how long I thought. Oh, yeah, because of the stupid name And right you're right, you know, I'm like this has got to be some dipshit that makes like soundcloud rap and Has published a book of like one word per page Yeah, where's he from? Sweden I could be the name of like a girl with like those really short bangs. Yeah, he's like he's from Sweden like a centimeter I thought it was a cartoon No, he's a racist and he's five nine, which is basically like being a pedophile in Sweden He's mostly the smallest man in Sweden. You're a complete outcast

Yeah, Sweden at that height which explains is why he became sort of like a YouTube gamer guy Now, I guess that the deal here is that he was Livestreaming himself playing some first-person shooter. Mm-hmm and some guy Shot him and he called the guy the n-word. Oh Okay, can you believe this guy? He's being a you know, whatever. Mm-hmm and people are outraged You're like, oh, we knew he was racist or whatever and it's like yeah, the language is wrong But like I don't know why we can't just admit like he was kind of right about that guy. How was the guy being? I mean If you know what he said

Wait, he shot him. I don't know. That's pretty Jesus Christ, I just it you know what I just don't let the whole thing I don't know who the fuck PewDiePie is but he's streaming a game and he said the n-word It's like how is this the first time that's happening? That's pretty good record in my mind like twitch the world of twitch Yes getting popular on twitch is just a game of who cannot say the n-word the long yeah Yeah, and this the headline here is that PewDiePie just ended his high score He's like the Ken Jennings of

Saying the n-word while playing video games I thought that he's a repeat offender like he lost like a Disney contract Yeah, he did some other racist shit. Yeah, we did stuff that was like irony, you know or whatever Yeah, yeah, yeah, which again is like that I'll defend and even even this is like I Don't even think he's really racist. He's just that's like an outburst You have online if you're a fucking idiot that just spends all their time playing first-person shooters Like it's he was trying to Just join the culture I mean it is racist, but it's not like that's like oh, this is something hidden

This isn't like an outburst where he lost his temper at some black eye on the street There's a video of him screaming, you know the n-word. It's not like a Mel Gibson sort of thing He just doesn't know what else to say Which is why you have to use faggot? acceptable Mid 2018 when I think we still have you retired. I think I still feel bad when I say yeah But you say it constantly and I feel bad about it, and I'm trying to stop. I am going. Oh, that was That was a rough one. Yeah

Damn, dude. Anyway, so is he like particularly good at video games like why is he so popular? I don't know. I don't I really don't understand. I mean like we don't we don't know about He's better looking than you are absolutely so all right. He uh, it's pretty cute. You're cuter. Yeah, he's better He's better looking. All right. He's weird looking. He's got a fucked up Does he have a bowl cut? I think you're confusing Dylan roof and Pewdiepie. I literally might be actually Can you imagine if Dylan roots name was Pewdiepie? I think that's who I'm beauty pie shot up a church. He will do that's the next race The trial is gonna do Pewdiepie. I'm just mad. No what happened

It was gonna happen is Pewdiepie is gonna go into a black church And they're all gonna be camping behind the pews and they're gonna snipe him as soon as he walks in and then He'll have his racist outbursts. It'll mean something because they were they were sniping and camping They were camping. They weren't playing the game. They were playing the game honor Discipline and honor Fuck PewDiePie. That's how dare you camp. Yeah, this is a huge loss For anyone you tubers number one. Yeah, fuck anyone. Strike one. You're a youtuber. Yeah

It's all about having a podcast on patreon. Yeah, that's cool. First of all other people made that That's how you do social media with honor for other people made that fucking we were the we're on the vanguard, dude We're we're the patreon fucking. Yeah, we were the second patreon ever Absolutely. It was first. It was a someone selling at their nudes. Yeah, who's that lady with no eyebrows? What's her name selling her nudes who over the fucked-up eyebrows? Yeah, she's like magic marker on honor shit She's married to that guy gay man Neil gay man. Wait, she's married to you that lady And Amanda Knox Oh, yeah, Amanda. Amanda. She just got some fucked up. I know her fucking name. God damn it and people give her money

Amanda Palmer God damn it from you know how hard it is to use my brain There's so much in there. There's so much when it's not yet. It's such a big file cabinet. You got to go through right There's so much buffering. Oh Someone else was fucked up. What does she do? She's a singer. She does nothing. Oh, yeah Isn't she the one that oh, I was thinking of someone else. You're thinking of the lady who was like ripping off her band She's got like the number one or maybe chop us number one, but she has she has like the biggest yeah man the Palmer Yeah, that's right. She was she she didn't pay her band or some shit or I don't fucking know she didn't pay her band now

She's fucking people over a while ago. I think all right, whatever. So that's that's that that's that hot Yeah, fucked up my breath someone up You should get on patreon Hmm Cisco. Yes, new music. I get five bucks. I literally would for songs just sent directly to my fucking inbox, dude I want to fucking I want to fucking no song song every time Fine remix once a month. I'll take a remix of the song song a monthly I want to be in that subscription service about that bong hit transplant song. That's good. The ball the ball

Yeah, she put a Bully banana and a moldy old banana Yeah, right would you have a bong hit transplant and then everyone at the 7-Eleven turned to me and began a plodding Where I had created the greatest joke of all time to me to me People are doing that dude. I've been told the story about The show at the Hamilton arts collective with Tom Byers. I believe the one with the the TV Yeah, with the TV that he wheeled out great stuff. I don't know what happened story or not Oh, so Tom and told it Tom Tom Tom at a tour of comics one time called put together

Well, he goes I told Andy Klein. I'm like, yeah, Tom's got his own Tour now with comics. It's him Brett the Irish comic cap Malone and I Think I can't remember who else was on it and fucking uh, any client goes. What's it called the shitty comics? It was even better though, it was called heathens They're bad the fucking heathens the logo was a burning cross No, it was it was Okay, I know just didn't know I thought it didn't like set Jesus on fire. Oh, yeah

Tommy the Hamilton arts collective had had had the heathens the comedy there was hosted by Lucy fur Which was just a videotape of Brett the Irish comic wearing sunglasses in front of the fireplace I did by a video the job that's only about energy and getting the fucking audience involved Tom did a fucking like hour and during his set after every setup Tony Gray six starts going Tom my years The punchline everyone's chanting his name and he says it and then the responses. Yeah Yeah, you don't like fingers out. He's like bombing to chance The one the future king. Oh, yeah now that show is bizarre like I mean he de-aided and he ran off stage crying and oh

No, Katmala, don't pretend like you give a shit Performative empathy you have do you know let me reach you signal dude for for people that you mock Well, you ever met Tom You've had the least Definitely the least. Yeah. Yeah. I mean when I met him. I was already a fan. Yeah, his reputation preceded well So he was he was crying, but then you watch him like almost like In his second in his head as the tears are drying on his face go. No It's society that's wrong

And then it's like I kill Tom is Hillary Clinton. Yeah, immediately basically. Yeah, it's the same personality Also have the same body and haircut Also the same taste in sunglasses, it's weird the more I think about It's probably from her pussy, which he ate Oh, that's how you become a god. She's like a werewolf. If you eat her pussy, you turn Best part of that joke is the adjusting the belt She's probably gonna hire some interns. They adjust the bill. Yeah, I'm here. Yeah, like a like a 50 year old plumber

And showing up to eat some pussy got a just the belt postmenopausal Cobweb to pussy Shots at the Tommy wait Dylan told that story about how his brother Dill Myers brothers. Yeah, Tom was his waiter at a Mexican restaurant. Oh Yeah, that's right. No, there's a YouTube of him like touring that Mexican restaurant As if it's like gonna be the new hot comedy venue Yeah, I think it was pretty much just a place that he was working Yeah props to him for getting a waiting job

He was he was working at 711. Yeah, that's a story about the bong hit transplant about being in line behind someone is a lie He was working at 711 Which you know everybody's got everybody's got to work a job I would take a 711 job if I had to You know when the bottom falls out, I'll be working there. You think 711? Yeah, they had her Chevron or Valero or Valero That's the coolest sound in gas station. Yeah, it sounds like a Spanish Valero sounds like a sword Zorro sword The boss is the boss is these are a slick looking Spanish man with a pencil thin mustache. Yeah, a spy versus spy outfit Yeah, where is the money from the gasoline? The gasoline I'm from Ibiza. Yeah, Kate Kate. Yeah, there's a dinner of the gasolina

Like do you even know Spanish? No My name is Brian My mom used to get high off battery acid washers break battery acid you have a battery. I have battery fetal Pussy has a seizure when I was born and they cut off the blood to the brain. I am from Illinois I will grow up I had to wear rubber pants So to make me cool I dress like this Anyway, please wear the money gasoline you get that convertible dozenberg you drive around it

It's the only car that let the retarded people Because it's so old And the DMV they say you can't drive in the car. It's loop all day in there. Oh, that's good You can drive a convertible dozenberg 12 ceiling No, he's the owner, dude, he's the owner. Excuse me, which way to the urinals, so I'm a clean man That is my job here people think I am the owner because of the big feather in my head But that is actually growing out of my head through the hat

I don't want to have a feather in my head, but I'm part the bird because my mom fucked a green Brian And Brian you're a wild man. That's a good character. I was doing a character with shut Go for a horny Goku go for it Can I suck your cock? Yeah, that's pretty good. It's good. Right. Yeah, I got to get in the rhythm of it You know, is this the is this a dick-sucking workshop? I'm looking for the this is like an elderly guy that's got those McConaughey. It's an elderly guy that's gone to the community Community continuing like at the YMC. I'm looking for the dick-sucking workshop. Yeah, right through here. It's still Goku

I'll suck your dick, sir. What does the scanner say about his power level? He's gay Oh My Vegeta is not bad. That's an old. That's an old. I never watched Dragon Ball Z Oh, I didn't either. I did good. It was on cable. I think yeah, you broke bitch Is it about black people? Why do they love it? Yeah, what is it about black people? Let's get into that. Yeah, the new It's Steven Dragon Ball Z rules But but like every black person I'm friends with is a DBZ head. That's not true

Yeah, it's pretty much generalizing and we don't do that on this podcast Well, the problem is that you only know two black. Yeah, you're talking about Jamel. Yeah There are black people that are comfortable walking around with a man that wears flood pants. I'm not wearing flood pants You're wearing like yeah, that's true. Yeah, you do suck your cool guy clothes on. I'm just wearing this side We're not gonna we got to find a way to not be so mean to Adam on the show anymore. That's fair I'm tired of that gimmick. You're allowed to if I just go with the new initiative You don't allow anything All right, let's

Can I have get it? I'll get it. That's okay. Is that is that gay? Is that homosexual Goku No, I'm bi. I'll fuck a woman too Is that what Goku sounds I don't even know it does Goku's the boy, right? No, uh, the boy is the boy is Goku it and that's dragon ball Gohan is Gohan is his son Is this I don't have time to explain which one has the fucking tail. Mr. Piccolo. No, no, no, Mr. Pickle this life. His name is Piccolo motherfucker

Okay, that's that green but Goku dude is Piccolo. He's Black Why is he named vagina vagina cuz he fucks wait Piccolo is a green guy, but he's really a black guy, right? I don't know is he I think he's one of those no trunks is black Trunks is trunks isn't black trunks has pink hair. Yeah trunks is Vegeta's son trunks is one of those black guys that dies his hair Like little yachty trunks is a little yachty ocean Anyway, yeah, that's our recommendation of the week is dragon balls. That's a good summation Don't let the name fool you not a lot of dragons or balls

Yeah, it's mostly Chinese guys that fly around and shoot lasers Are they Chinese they're Chinese they're pretty much Chinese. Yeah, of course. They're Chinese dude There's a really racist one there's mr. Popo and he just looks like a guy that does black it's blind black. Yeah, but they love blackface in Japan It's weird. I mean pokemons got it. It's their culture. Yeah, mr. Mime or no, no, there's a trans blackface. There is a Pokemon Pokemon. Well, it's funny You mentioned the new it the new And I didn't see the original either. Well, wasn't the original a mini series

Yeah with Tim Curry. Yeah, yeah, what's wrong with my man Tim Curry? Does he have some kind of disease? He's in a wheelchair and she's just gay He's not gay and even if he was that be cool. He's gay. He's one of those British guys. It's just extremely gay And he's like, I'm not telling He's just a gender trend setter He embraces Destroying stereotypes He's like that too is he's not British but Kevin Spacey is like Kevin Spacey's gay

No, Kevin Spacey was British. He's not out of the closet gay. Come on that guy's gay It doesn't matter. He's been seen slapping guys asses. Yeah. Well, we do that all the time Yeah, but it's a British guys are either gay or they buy prostitutes Out of your both. Yeah, I'm British The new hit movie will never set hold on hold on hold on. I guess I didn't see it I didn't see the original but you know what I've noticed in the Trump era people I feel like they would have called this movie Transphobic years ago for the clown. Yeah, and it's called it You know, I mean and I feel like the reason that they're not there aren't these bullshit think pieces about movies anymore is

Because of us. No because it's Trump. It's a Trump. They have to set up a rule to complain about Like that complain about bullshit anymore, which means that the world's kind of gotten better at least for me a rich man So that's your take on it I just think if Hillary won every single movie yeah, yeah, but It's about nations not a single damn one is a black woman. That's how is that possible? They're all dogs Yeah, that's not fair. Yeah, okay. I see what you're saying. I Was skeptical first, but you've now swayed me what you know, it's the motto of the show. I'm always right I've got a motto for the show

Bitch Fuck I love that. That's really in your own farts. It's only affected you That those are I made I made a poor shoulder There's a wind guard on the microphone that your fart is getting trapped in well And then you know you're farting into the wind garden that you're bringing it back take the wind card out I if I walk away for five seconds, so it's a real the show. I gotta blow my nose. No, you'll be all right I made a pork show the reason my farts are so powerful It's because I made a pork shoulder and I made beans and rice and also a corn salsa an entire shoulder of a pork

The whole well it was a half because I throw too much of it away What do you mean? You don't put it in the fridge for later? This is interesting. It's just not as good. I think that's with Nick gone This is a good opportunity to say thank you because Nick wasn't there on Monday and stop and I hosted. Oh, yeah Our 9-11 spectacular reviews biggest one we've ever had. Yep. Every comic was a former jihadist every comic We tried to get an all Arab Lina for the 9-11. The Arabs are coming comedy tour. Yeah, that's right But it turned out we only booked seek comics. That's right. I didn't know is there was a difference. Yeah

It's I want to do I want to do one of those big comedy tours, but it's like the Bengladeshi comedy tour And it's us and yeah, well, no, it's just guys. I find in bodegas That's Yemen All the bodegas in Brooklyn are Yemeni most not no the two that you go to or Yemeni That's not true. Definitely Bangladesh the old one by me the one next to here the the two by my new place You just listed two different four dude. That's four. No, it's two. You said the number two You fucking idiot, why don't you learn how numbers work? All right, let's go through it then make one. No, no say it again

One is if you have one of something yeah two is one more than that. Okay, so you just said two three Is one more than say that why did you say one dumbass? I I was I was starting with one. I was telling you how numbers are you said three is one of something. Oh, I said there is one more than two No, dude, three is I didn't say three is one of three. Yeah, three is not one more than two One is your own or separate. No you know it can be three and one God damn you're such an idiot moving on. How am I an idiot? I'm an attorney guys. I'm buying a weight vest to wear around What is that for like pull up one of those guys? No, but yes for pull-ups ankle weight guys

Yes, but for all when I go around so that I'm 50 pounds heavier. Hmm Just to be so you'll burn more weight or something. No, it's actually intimidating It's actually something I learned from Dragon Ball Z. You know If you're really trying to cut weight you should get one of those Boxing like those Missy Elliott suits that boxers like where when they try The Martin Lawrence almost died is that that's the super duper fly music video. She's yeah, it's so sick Beep beep who's got the keys to the Jeep?

It's a good ass song I can't stand the rain. Oh, you know what? I love the rain You love the rain. That's my window Appeals by yeah, the rain against my window is actually kind of a pleasant thing. Yeah It doesn't make much sense. You're inside. Sure. I'm not a you know, I'm gonna be I'm I'm anti rain Waxing my shoes are wet against your window feel bad. You got to put the windshield wipers on bad Stop like a distressed elephant caught in a light rain Waving his tail back and I hate rain, dude You hate already dangerous. Yes, you know, we might get inside we might not get this next hurricane

Maybe it's probably not gonna happen. Okay, Jose. We should we thought we should fucking a Hurricane we don't sleep in together. It's gonna be always me there. We're getting a real Brooklyn hurricane here So Brooklyn's guys come over to my house. We'll have a hurricane parking Sandy hurricane. We'll make chilly you guys The hurricane is gonna get no spot. Why are we talking about the hurricane? We're gonna make chilly We already turn events. No, we already talked about the hurricane went Today on the bonus what happened Did that did you really suppose the bonus? What no, there was no bonus this weekend. Oh, there was not no. Yeah, there was none

I was sick this week. Wait, what? We got to take a break Folks, it's Nick here once again for Mack Weldon.com. I know what you're thinking who is Mack Weldon, you know and Truth is I didn't act. I didn't look it up. You know, I don't know. I don't know if it's a guy or just the name of the company like Bob Evans You know, actually, I think Bob Evans might be a person but whatever Mack Weldon, it's a company they make underwear and You know, I if you're like me, you probably don't spend a lot of time thinking about underwear Which you know is fine because they do Mack Weldon thinks about underwear all the time

In fact, they think about underwear so much that they've produced the best underwear that money can buy I was smart designs premium fabrics and a very simple online shopping experience Mack Weldon is changing the way that you and me don't have to think about underwear at all really One of the ways are doing that is they have a line of silver underwear Which is just a name. It's not actual. They're not metal, but it's a the name silver underwear and And and shirts that are naturally antimicrobial and what's that? What's that mean you ask microbial? Who cares? Again, you don't have to think about it from what I understand it It means they have bugs in them that eat smells out of the clothes. So you don't have to bathe

Mack Weldon doesn't want you have to think about all that They just want you to be comfortable and they want you to look good And that's why they produce underwear that performs well for any occasion going to the gym You know working out going to the gym pretending to work out leaving immediately because you hurt your back Which is what I do You know going out on a date, maybe you know Wear a nice pair of Mack Weldon underwear and they're so sure that you'll like your first pair that if you don't Tell you what they'll refund the cost and they'll let you keep the pair underwear

Because that's how much they stand by their product. So log on to Mack Weldon calm and use promo code come town CUM TWN to receive 20% off your order and check them out Mack Weldon calm. Thanks guys Adam's having a housewarming party But I can't attend because I already took a dump in his new girlfriend's pussy Yeah, Adam what kind of party is it actually It's a it's a like everyone to for everyone to be respectful to me everyone take a shit in your New religion friends pussy. Oh

No, not is that what the party is for that's what the parties for I'm not gonna say that on the pod So every Tom dick and Harry is that what it's for if we can talk. They're not invited. It's just for your friends I'm just saying I'm not saying anyone can shit in your girlfriend. She might listen to this I'm just saying if we make an arrangement Okay Adam is telling me during the break that he's done a little bit of a little bit of craftsmanship He built around the house. Is that true? No, really? No, I mean I got I mean my friend My friend that's crafty

Matt max max built that thing cuz you wait just a second ago. You said you built it. No, I said I But you know, you know max listen to this shit. Yeah. Yeah, I'm you know, that's why I put you in this position Yeah, I don't actually give a shit about your shelf Nick's coming back to To do some more work tomorrow. Oh wait, hold on Sorry about that. I Nick's boyfriend. Just called my my Not my boyfriend. It's the president of the United States of America. Whoa DT. I'm sorry President in I mean, he's gone. He'll be my president. Oh

my liege You know, you know what I call Hillary president cheeto face. No. Yeah, that's Donald Trump. That's Donald Trump. Yeah Oh, yeah, and I call I call president Barack Obama president I was so funny when Bush was president for like eight years and everyone's like he looks like a chimp, doesn't he? Yeah, and fucking Obama became president and all the people that like We're making those bush jokes are like, I hope they don't find the website. Yeah, no Yeah, no, sorry, the only reason I threw you under the bus there is because I knew I knew you were trying to steal Valor Which I was stealing construction Valor. I need to I want to hang a shelf. You don't do you don't do that

I want to I want to hang in TV. I would you notice I put the pictures of your new bookshelf that I made on on Instagram I saw that and I made it clear that you were doing the painting because you bull you said that because it's for women To paint. Yes, I said that but I also did not take credit away from you Well, I painted your bookshelf you painted your bookshelf. That was my gift to you. It's not my bookshelf It's the second I made that for you for you I mean I make things for people as everyone thinks I'm a bad guy because I say mean things and I steal from people You don't steal I well, you're not aware of it. That's what makes it stealing. Oh, yeah

I guess well, no, you can be aware of being stolen from it doesn't have to be secret. Oh, that's true. Yeah, I Guess that is how stealing works Well, let's put it this way I've been taking laquahs out of your fridge while you've been napping. I've been just walking into your apartment taking them Are you kidding? Yeah, that's fine. I used to live with a guy that would steal change out of my room Well, and it's like you can just borrow change. Yeah, you know, I have 42 cents and I knew I just didn't like that He was going in my fucking room And so I went out of town one time and I left all this change on my desk like a trap

Like a pile of fucking and this is before I mean, you know, I didn't have like a cell phone with a camera on it until like Probably 2014 or 50. That's right. You were late adopter. Yeah, so I there was no way to take a picture of it So I like meticulously lined up this cardboard box with the inside of my door, right? And then shut the door so that if it opened in any way, it would move the box out of the way, right? Smart and I got back in the town after week and I was like, oh, hey man How's it going? And you know we talked for a second and then I started heading towards my room And he's like, oh by the way, I had to take all that change off your desk Like what just told me and I was like what he

What do you mean? He's like I had to borrow some money and he took like $20 worth of change off my every single coin Give it back. No because he had uh, he ordered pizza and he forgot he didn't have money That's not needing to take something Did you ever like encounter a real klep like real Kleptomaniac like no, I knew a guy in college that one of my best friends is like is like that With bits No, he he like just loves stealing and he spent the majority of the last like decade in prison Yeah in jail and shit just because he loves to I remember I was talking to him on the phone after he had like gotten out one time

Yeah, and I was like, yeah, man. We got to hang out, you know, and he's like out and about or whatever He's like I just hear him go like while he's on the phone this no I came in with this No, I was wearing this when I came in You can look at my bag if you want. No here. Go ahead look at my bag He's like walks away. He's like dumb Chinese bitch doesn't know I stole Yeah, I got just loved stealing and you know what props to him because he would get away with it 95% of the time Yeah, but that's not it sounds like he would get in years, right? I Saw the I'm gonna get gone for burglarizing a house

And spend his youth behind bars I stole the other day. Actually, what did you steal you seem like a steal I stole from Whole Foods? Wow I stole one of those you know those Bezos those you use you who's a shoplifter is The guy whose name I can't say anymore in the show. Oh, yeah Like I you know, it's just He's like as long as it's from a bigger store one of those people they're like if it's from a corporation as if like I agree No, I mean because I agree because then the idea there is what that small business owners aren't shitty Well, you're doing more damage enough of a difference to their bottom line where it doesn't

It hurts. You're you're stealing. I mean, it's there's no there's no difference. Yeah, but I feel like I do feel less bad I think there's a moral difference between stealing from like a family-owned thing then stealing from Like fucking target or something not really why because the effect on the bottom line between the two of them is so fucking Negligible that it really doesn't matter the effect on your you're hurting you're hurting you're hurting Walmart You're hurting Walmart like maybe Point zero zero you're hurting Walmart not at all and you know you're point zero zero zero one percent and Yeah, I know enough people steal little raise their insurance rates So it'll zero zero zero zero one percent versus the mom-and-pop store zero zero zero one percent

Yeah, I mean, it's it's negligible. You're not really hurt. I'm a popster is not gonna go out of business because you stole a single Yeah, it is a bigger number no, it's a bigger number They're both negligible so what's the amount you would have to steal before it's I mean I wouldn't steal like I don't know I used to steal a lot when I was a kid by the way go ahead and steal if you want I don't yeah, what was the first thing you stole I I used to steal porn a lot nice. Yeah, when I was like From Hudson News in airports It used to like I had like a weird face. How's that? How's that possible? So I'd be on the way to get I'd be on the way to camp. You were my airplane day

Whenever I feel born whenever I was going to camp like when I was like 13 14 years old I'd go to Hudson News and steal porn and then it just it it carried on until I was like maybe 20 Do you ever getting homeless guys to buy you liquor? I never did that I used to do that all the time when I was like 17. We'd ask the older brothers fake ideas I would get homeless guys to buy me liquor all the time Greek people would buy buy you booze. No problem Yeah, I mean other would it be older, you know guys like guys. I knew they're there, but you're also an alcoholic. Yeah So you need when you needed it you needed to be I remember doing that having some homeless guy Buy me a handle of Tito's and then driving around go bad. What did the homeless? No never honey

No, I never had a problem with that. Did they ever molest you tip them? No comment. Did you tip them? No, you just let him drink some of the liquor Shared it with their course with their homeless mouths. Yes. I saw one kissing them one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen I was in Santa Cruz, California I saw two homeless dudes one had an ice cream cone and the other one had a joint and They traded them And I was like that is the cutest The happiest I've ever seen any person in my life was it was Christmas and I was back home in Baltimore and I was

This homeless guy with no legs Asked me for a beer and I went in but I got I upped him to a 40 and the look in this guy's eyes When he was like, you got me a 40 The most happiness I have ever seen in my fucking life, dude And you know what from now on I'm gonna start doing that every Christmas Buying homeless people liquor 40s, but saying I'm gonna get them less liquor and then getting them more. Yeah I would just buy them heroin. Yeah, he was doing coke also. Yeah, he's doing crack. He literally was buying a couple of rocks

But that's scarier I get a little old English. What is your 40 of choice? St. Ide's Why is crack worse? What why cuz it's got fucked up shit. I'd say I's the most alcohol in it I thought no still reserved us. No, St. Ide's is higher. Really? Yeah, I mean, maybe it might be the same in terms of 40s You're talking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I also fucked with Mickey's we should do When I worked in the mall in the cell phone place. Yes, I used to have the uh There's a guy I would hire these other people that were over 21 and then I would make them go buy me

Shit, I remember getting like a 40s of Mickey's and drinking in the bathroom at like 8 a.m Right as they open the store and then like coming back to work very nicely just helping people drunk And they all just knew I was drunk Yeah, oh hell yeah a drunks kiosk cell phone salesman they're going back to Kleptomaniacs I knew this guy in college that was kleptomaniacs We got caught by his roommates for stealing money out of their wallets Damn and what they did is they like set up all their like computers and they covered like the little green light on and like Turn the screens off just like tape them there

They had like three different angles and I watched the video and it was like one of the most insane things I've ever seen he like is sitting at his desk doing work. He gets up goes to his roommates Like roommates desk opens the drawer looks in his wallet like goes takes the money out Puts the money back in the wallet close the door like gets up three or four more times I'm damn like he had this like whole routine and stuff. It was one of the craziest things ever That's like when you're kind of eyeing up x videos and you're like nah, I'm not gonna beat off You just scroll through a little bit. There was it. It was a Why sometimes I'll just look at porn and I'm like, yeah, not today

Not today penis. I got I got better stuff to do like look at Civil War articles on wikipedia With my pants down. What are you even learning about you were learning about Civil War? No, I can't remember that the last the last wikipedia article I read all the way through was the great dismal swamp wikipedia was that it's a big swamp in Virginia It's dismal. It's bad. That's really that's a great name. It's called the great. Yeah, that's why I read the article That's cool. It's a great dismal swamp like the biggest swamp ever I don't know. I mean, it's really fucked up. It's pretty fucking big They named it that because at the time they didn't know the value of wetlands. Oh

They thought you to them like swamps were good. Are they good? I thought they're bad I guess everything's kiddos and shit. Yeah, it's human. You can't grow shit You can't grow that kind but it's you know, I'm saying you could grow that hydroponics take a little boat ride through a mangrove Well, you get I don't know. It's cool. It's like a tunnel. That's fun I would like I having said that I would like to do a fan boat through a swamp like a gator. We could do that Yeah, that would be awesome. We could do that. Just us boys. I'm mad. I didn't do that when I was in your I want to go paintballing in the woods now that it's fall. Oh, although this bit of Indian summer we've had this week It's been

I'd say distasteful It was cold. No, I like it. I'm already wearing fucking jeans and hoodies and shit I got caught outside today in a hoodie and 80 degree weather. It was hot. That's fucking bullshit. Yeah, it was hot yesterday, too I am by the way shout out to rad milk The boy has done it again. What happened you if it's all he does is he like fucking just It's like push bullshit on like the same shit everyone was doing in like 2012. I guess not everybody but funny people like yeah Yeah, they just comment on like brands pages. Oh, yeah Hell yeah, so you wrote on Arby's page like my wife left me

Can I get a beefy double coupon or whatever they get a coupon for the beefy big double or whatever and Somehow somebody screen-shotted it ended up on the Steve Harvey show Steve Harvey personally commenting on it. Yeah, he's like I'm a fan of these They do not have a beefy double That's really well done like angry That's awesome. That's wow. That's a good. I thought it was gonna be like a heartwarming thing where Steve gets the guy's sandwich But no no Steve had to yell it so ever at the boy Get dirty online. That's hilarious. Oh, he is funny shit. Also shout out to online boys getting dirty Ted Cruz beating off

All right, dude. Well, we got a list of things here So you can't just Like you don't you don't know you talk about It's not the going out of order We got this we got this new system when Jake was here the system fucking works, but you can't go to that Let me go to the free wheel and free I will never be tamed by a list. I will never be tamed by a list, dude I will I will we will talk about the list and if it comes all right

How about this stuff? Don't think of it as a list think of it as a menu What I want from a menu when I want I thought you're gonna say buffet No, I'll fuck around and get ice cream a menu has a specific. No, it says no some Things on that menu. Guess what bitch? I want to eat the Ted Cruz beating off part Oh, you can all I'm saying is the point is if you have a notes list if I say one thing You don't go hey, how about that and then say the next thing on the list. That's what that's exactly how That's not how a list works because you blow through everything on the fucking list and we run out of time let that no way Let that let Steve Harvey thing marinate for a fucking second

I thought it was a seamless transition Adam Well, you know, oh, what are you a list guy? I'm not saying I'm a little chance to break free from the shackle Seamless transition stop met seamless dot-com. Does anyone have it? Yeah, can I There was this okay, it was you you had a transition sent I'm from a stand-up set point of view Speaking of beautiful you brought it to it to why all right Roy Rogers bacon cheeseburger. That's down there How about this boy Rogers, and it's a place you can fuck a kid Now Ted Cruz Okay, all right, well now that I don't want to talk about it

You make a list I'm over it fuck, you know, no I was gonna make a I was gonna say fuck Ted Cruz But I won't because that's I now want to talk about another part of the list I feel like Ted Cruz beating off thing false flag for sure Cruz Ted more like Ted surf Ted surfs the World Wide Web for pornography hard core, you know, you know what we're like, you know what I'm you know What I'm saying more like Ted cruising men's public restrooms Nice for actually not more like that because it was at a reception service I think it was the World Wide Web looking for you know what what do you think it was just randomly him liking porn that looked like his wife

That's I mean come on. He's not into that. You think it was a hack. You actually believe no I think that he I think that he did it to seem normal. I think he's using he did it Yeah, I think that he was like well, Donald beat me because he has you know, his everyone saw his wife's boobs and they think that's cool So I was like he's running you think there's no way that this is who's doesn't have ED Yeah, I mean he looks like a guy that can't get an erection Yeah, the cum probably gurgles out of his dick like slowly and bubbly. I think there's nothing wrong with Shooting a bubbly load a gurgly ass load a little like seeping out of your cock slowly Like like you pour a bunch of vinegar and baking soda that would be cool the dude

You know an experiment cruise is like one of those Cat like it's fair one of those like ethnic guys that like really wants to be white. So you probably just has white No, he's oh, I guess he's Cuban, right? He's a bit. He's a white man. Look at him. He's a white guy. Yeah, but he's he's Latino he's part of you know, there's white Latinos. That's true. I guess so he's a white Latino But anyway, I think I feel like who knows what is I don't reinforce that idea. There's not white Latinos There's nothing I hate more than then somebody who's ancestors were most Guaranteed Lee con keys the doors. Yeah, he's doors or escaped Nazis. Yeah

Like as a Latino Like to be spoken to Yeah, it's like you have a fucking I just feel like he He's a swastika necklace on right now that is from my abuelita That is an ancient Mayan Middle from my Eagle and for swastika Then my abuelita got from when she climbed onto a mountain and met the butterfly that says the sunset

I Kess bullshit Whoa shit Nick's coming from Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I did I came from I came from the wiki died that magical realism Dude, Nick has no time for that. I don't dude. I do your character just has angel wings in one scene get the fuck out of That book. Yeah solitude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah pretty good. No, that's not I like overrated I like to when I read it was one of the first books. I hated really. Yeah. Wow. I must be a big time for you Dude, it's a long book to hate I just give up. I finished things Nick loves me things. I love hating things. Yeah, that's what he lives for

Yeah, but it's not like watching a bad movie reading a bad book is like way more of a slaw I was I think I was we're gonna temp job at the time. Yeah. Yeah, so I was sitting at a desk I had nothing to do it was either that you know It was so funny there was so little to do at that temp job that they realized they hired a temp and didn't need a temp so they fucking uh Like one day they just wheeled in this old filing cabinet and it looked like an antique filing cabinet Yeah, yeah, yeah, and they were like we need you to alphabetize these employee records and I was like Don't aren't these already on the computer and they have been for like since 1992

They're like, yeah, but you know, we just have all these old cards that we have a paper record of them We need you to alphabetize them and I look at it and I open it up and one of them is like Eustis Greenwald born 1897 Dates of employment 1923 1956 Eustis yeah, and it's like fucking a thousand of these like index cards You know punch cards that they wanted me to and I'm like this all smells like mold. Yeah, no one's access Where did you find these? To fucking make me alphabetize this vision wanted you to do something. Did you do it bitch?

Of course, I did because that book sucked if it had been a better book. I'm like fuck you. I'm reading. I'm reading Garfield Bigger better and bigger and blacker. I can't remember the name of the Garfield books um one time at my at my job at a college I worked for the I worked at the grad school at UMBC and I just found a box of Folders that people were in the recycling. Mm-hmm, and I just color-coded them all day To look busy. I had a folders Filing just the reason they did that to me is because I was sitting there doing nothing I didn't try to look your ass got caught bitch. You did something you had to get you had to go in the garbage

No, it was easy like don't know what kind of stuff eating trash. He's like, I'm looking busy Shoving garbage in my mouth to look busy. I uh color-coding folders in college I was working at the Peace Corps like their headquarters in DC Mm-hmm, and I was working in the like office of medical services So anytime someone got fucked up on the Peace Corps Oh, they'd like file for workers comp and I had to like go through the files and file and like organize shit I just spent hours reading these like harrowing stories Adam actually worked for the drinking piss score Different place for you to drink pee pee. Whoa

Can I give you a little insider intel though? No, there are no It happens a lot on the Peace Corps because they put you out there and you're in the middle of nowhere Yeah, and they don't like you're not around other racism to say about Africa No, you're not around other Africa quote quote quote them today folks Adam Friedland says Africa is nothing to me Africa is meaningless instead of the most beautiful country in the world, which is the way I feel The most beautiful. It's like a beautiful diamond. I just want to kiss it every time I think about Africa the beautiful diamond

song and That's oh, yes, of course the most famous african, you know that todo wrote human nature the mic That's you know what todo stands for for us bias. Yeah, exactly I was laughing about Andre which Andre steakhouse thinking that Fila stands for fellas individuals ladies association You know Andre's got a feel of fucking tracksuit dude. Oh, yeah his casual wear when he gets home from work And he takes off his vest his dockers His dockers covered in scotch guard so you can pour wine on them show everyone how fucking cool

Shots at the Andre We got to get him on the show sometime Andre. Yeah, he'd love it. Oh Speaking of steaks, I would love a steak was I supposed to bring him on the show just there where you said that no Maybe but I have a sign another episode. Yeah, you're sick. I can't your voice is extra husky today Is it husky? I thought it was nasally sort of nasally Yeah, I don't have a cough So I wouldn't say it's husky. It sounds shitty like this. He doesn't sound like that. I'm gonna become one of those old guys You sound like one RIP Philly a Tardo. Oh

Yeah, all right. Hey the actor. I've got the right to write down. I P. Philly tart RIP the Montgomery Gentry dude RIP Montgomery Bernie legendary died so many legends falling in one week. I don't know if we can handle it death comes in threes 2017 don't look at my truck. I look at your wife This is the greatest Montgomery Yeah, Nick and I were watching one night. We were watching like a ton of you don't want me in the neighborhood Because I keep co-rolling all the Mexican folks. Yeah, all their music videos are like it's like they're like trying to say that They're real man. You're drunk. Everything's a political statement

Yeah, you just get drunk and pretend they're mad about a bursar. They're all like upper middle class and mad like they don't want like Fag Democrats move into their neighborhood. I get it. It's not even fag Democrats. It's other Republicans But it's like Republicans that tuck their shirts in. Yeah I don't like mudding. Yeah, and what did you say pitching machine? Yeah That's just gonna replace. He's gonna replace it. It's just gonna be a pitching machine fires baseballs under his neighbor's lawn And that pitching machine it's got a trap and a bunch of tire pack Parliament said smoking through. Oh god. Don't you ever look at my truck? My truck if you look at it, I'll kill you

Every song yeah, no Brooks had done is the best though Nobody could be Ronnie Dunn in terms of being a fucking just complete insane If he didn't have that velvety voice of gold, he would just be a guy at a bus stop I'll be watching an interview with him where it's like the city's like describe your song writing process and he's like, you know For me, it's like everything comes down to you know, there's experiences and then there's you know, because grown up all the place I live, you know, there's a Mexico Arkansas place. I live my my family my grandmother would but text stands out my mind I think more of like a San Antonio vibe or something. That's I mean cuz that to me that is that is San Antonio

Yeah, something more more or less along those lines. It's like It sounds like that by the tone of his voice like he's answering the question, but it's just the ramblings of a of a of bus stop Yeah, when when I wrote the song She's not your girl. She's your lover. I Was imagining You're driving down Dark dusty road one night and you start thinking about the time you spent the wood shop young boy

There's times where sometimes get a piece of what you want and it's a different Way you understand them was the other time. Yes, I'm out of time. Thank you. God bless America next question The sweets factories. Oh, yes in the malls. I don't I you guys were talking about it before I I remember auntie M's Auntie Anne's you fucking hands. That's a pretzel place. It's nothing. That's a pretzel plate No, what am I thinking use this fucking candy store with big-ass plastic tubes. They had ton of fucking delicious shit in there Yeah, it's you know, what am I thinking of the ladies named ethyl M's? No, maybe that was the West Coast thing. Never mind. No, you're making it up. There's a chocolate store called Well, if you're from the West Coast, I got two words for you

Get the fuck out. You're gay Hey, you better believe you're gay More like suck my dick Yeah Ronnie tell us more about your latest song California. You can suck my dick But well when I was I I was living in Texas problem now in 1977 and I thought to myself You know what we're will be the experience of somebody living in a different place and I thought about you know

Plays like California. I thought I probably that sounds pretty gay to me That seems like it'll be a pretty good experience Yes, I've never heard one of those songs Now you should listen to God must God is he God must be busy. Well, there's an Yet the God must be busy It's like it's a list of all these bad things happening and then the hook is God must be busy But there's no clear political perspective like yeah, it's like it goes through like oh the job the ship

Yeah, probably They're repeating a lot of material here because somebody doesn't respect the note taking yeah, you gotta respect the list That's my stance bitches respect the list. I guess I'm you respect plenty hair of two fucking God God I zone a yeah, who do they belong to because they're not yours. They're mine. They're not you're fat There's a guy I zone at your testicles. Yeah Wow doesn't speak Portuguese. Yeah. Yeah, I've been in Europe guys. Yeah, things are gonna change around here Everything you're a smart one on the show, but the truth is is that the rest of us speak Portuguese? Mm-hmm, what you're going to I think it's fucked up

You guys learn Portuguese together without me. Yeah, we've learned a lot of languages without you Yeah, it's fucked up. Yeah. Well, you're smoking cigarettes, but you're smoking your death sticks Yeah, we're doing fucking Rosetta stone. We spent years coming up with that Brian character from Valero without you. Yeah, that's right. I would first it seemed like owned the Valero, but actually he cleans the toilet. What is it that you only wore rubber clothes? He used to. Now he dresses like spy versus spy and he's got a feather growing out of his head But it's poking out of the hat. You think it's part of the hat What is actually out of his head? I am his mom fucked a Greek person who we learned earlier in the show We're descended from thanks. Thank you for remembering my story

He's all for me to remember because I am I am retarded Brian, you're very self-aware about that fact though, Brian It comes from being paraded by my mom. It just sounds like triumph Yeah, yeah, it sounds totally retarded For me to paraded You're doing more of a, for me to be retarded, more of an Italian at first But we said that it was a Spanish guy. It doesn't matter dude. Come on. Yeah, you know

It sounds like a guy would own a place called Valero Valero Valero That's right, it kind of started like that When I was in the mother island, Puerto Chico a couple weeks ago That's when I was being Despacito down in Puerto Chico That's what we do down in Puerto Chico Some guy fucking walked by wearing like four parrots

In Puerto Chico Yeah, it's like man, you got just get one You need four parrots That stops grandpa dude Yeah dude Stop Rose Haukis That might be one of the most underrated things you've ever shared on the podcast Hey man

That your grandfather was a bird The most underrated thing is that he wipes his ass with hotel towels I never said that Yeah you did I never said that, find the recording That was a really fucked up thing you said I literally have never said that No, not only do you wipe your ass with them, you wet them up

Where, find where I said that So you don't get diaper rash You wet them up You are completely fabricating this whole cloth If you don't think I have Let's wear that tape Yeah I had that It's included in some of the soft pulls for the STAV app that I'm making

Oh yeah, speaking of the STAV app, the iPhone X is out Oh yeah, fuck We didn't get a lot of time Oh look who the fuck went out of order on the fucking bitch ass list I didn't skip, you went out of order You went out of order I said I'm buying a weight vest This whole fucking podcast is out of order

And you said You don't even know what movie it's from Yeah it's from Not Serpico It is Serpico No it's not Serpico Say it It is Serpico This whole courtroom is out of order

I'm out of order You're out of order This whole fucking courtroom is out of order It's not Serpico It's not Serpico It is Serpico It's absolutely not Serpico It's Kramer vs Kramer

It's not Kramer vs Kramer Great movie, about to four It's actually a Be More Original It's Injustice for All Oh that's right Yeah, Barry, what's his name? Levinson It's not a Barry Levinson movie

It's a Norman Jewison movie No, what? Who was not Who was not Jewish Who was not Jewish Norman Jewinson? Who's not Jewish? Jewison

Whoa, that fucking rules He was in Norwegian or something My name is Keichel Dahle-Coupon-Berg I'm Catholic Dahle-Coupon-Berg Dahle-Coupon-Berg is really good My name is Joshua Gay Krantz And I am a Jehovah's Witness

What about Rosen Stanton Guild Krantz or whatever Rosen Krantz at Guildenstern Hamlin's Friends Yeah, yeah, yeah Rosen, how about that What about that? Say it again

Rosen Plans at Guildenfuck Rosen Plans at Guildenfuck Yeah, say it again The best bit is trying to remember things That's the whole show That's all good comments That's the whole show Who's that Bad Day 9 of 7

Who in the Plains The Plains I saw Rosen Stanton at Guildenstern At fucking No, you're talking about Gilbert and Sullivan, dude No, no, it's a Samuel Beckett play I am the very model of a modern major general No, yeah, the Pirates of Penzance

Pirates of Penzance Yeah, yeah, yeah Nick is like low-key Showing that he's a big musical theater guy I am a big musical theater guy Do you like... Who's the big guy? So, Steven...

Steven Spielberg, right? No, no, the guy who did Phantom of the Opera and Cats and shit No, that's not Steven Sondheim It's a different guy Yeah, it's a different guy It's an Andrew Lloyd winner Aha, that's right

That's right All right, we gotta end this show because I gotta blow my nose But real quick iPhone, new one, don't buy it It's piece of shit But... I say buy it

Get the new Apple TV That's the show, but... How much is the Apple TV? It's $479 That's it? Yeah, it's 4K It's free iTunes upgrades to the... to the 4K versions of movies that you've already purchased

Really? Yeah, in fact, if you have iTunes right now Start buying shit in HD Well, I guess the price will be the fucking same Wait, I have a Roku and I pay for Netflix in 4K, UHD Does that mean that Roku can do that? The Roku...

Roku and Amazon Fire have already been 4K Oh, okay, so Apple is just not there yet Yeah, the Apple TV is shit if you already have any of the other ones I have Roku, yeah Apple's been behind the rest of them They're behind everything They just look cooler

The iPhone X is like shittier than... There's so many Androids The Galaxy S8 Everything that they were like Check out these features We've got a glass screen all the way All the way glass Yeah, the fucking S8 has that

Yeah, literally the only reason I have an iPhone is iMessage That's literally the only reason Yeah, because you don't want to be like hollering at a girl You don't want to be flirting and then give her that green bubble Oh, yeah

You know, because that is like Ain't nothing get a pussy dryer than them green text bubbles You need to get the blue bubble You need them that fucking sopping wet, pussy blue bubble It's a worse OS But I need that blue bubble

Is it a worse OS? I don't know I don't fucking know Dude, I don't know enough about phones I just don't want to be a loot Like everyone who has a fucking Android sucks Yeah, of course, dude Pocket protector

Hey, take that Fucking loser Fucking nerds L7 weenies Yeah, take that The new Apple Watch came out too Oh, shut up So now you have the worst Apple Watch

I do, I have the worst Apple Watch But I knew the new one was coming out anyways It's LTE No, you didn't Yes, I did, dude They always have the fucking No, you didn't They have a product launch every September

You have literally been the worst kind of Apple Watch It was a surprise Actually, the worst kind of Apple Watch is the series one Oh, I thought that's what you had Take that, Adam Yeah

Which is what Adam wears Take that A literal answer Yeah You bitch You have the second to worst Apple Watch Yeah, well, you have the worst face Ooh, it's not true

It is true A lot of people think that No, there's a website WhoHasTheShittiestFace.com It's you Somebody buy that domain and put it up immediately as soon as this air is please

That's fine Then we'll have it now A direct request from you, dude You know how many fucking weird motherfuckers? Just Nick, I did it I did it, Nick Yeah

You're getting an Instagram DM Right, no, I'm gonna have a compound in 10 years and we're all gonna sync the katanas into our stomachs at the same time That will be cool I would love to

I would love to commit seppuku That would be great Wouldn't it be hilarious if No, you're gonna sell me and stop out I'm definitely gonna back out You're gonna find a way to distance yourself from the show

as if it's been secretly problematic and bothered you the whole time Oh, yeah No, it hasn't Tell all The Adam biography where he fucking switches Right, so you can have a regular career

and you're gonna forget A regular career in what? In going out in Chapa twice? Being gay All about your dear friend who gave you everything reluctantly Who resisted every step of the way The goodness of his heart

He did it I can't wait to sell you guys out I got Harvey Levin TMZ on speed dial Fuck, dude Don't tell Harvey how good I fuck I accidentally befriended a guy named Ari Keichelberg and I found out he's not even Jewish

What a waste Yeah, he could do nothing for me Boys, well Norman Jewison Just think about how many production companies gave him money and they're like We can't wait to see

what kind of movie you make By the way, we're having a say in it next week He's like, oh, I'm not Jewish and they're like, what? If you stop payment on the check Get the money back out It's too late

He's already made a couple of OK movies That reminds me of that Simpsons joke where Krusty's like and if my accounts are watching let nothing stop you from paying out this check Great Simpsons joke Yeah, that is a great joke

It's a good show I like the Simpsons That's my take What do we got on the list or is the show over? Oh, we're almost out of things here What we have on the list Halloween is coming up

That's right That's on the list Which means we're bringing back Spooky Stories Part 2 Oh, fuck, I forgot about Spooky Stories You know what I like guys Oh, wow, I guess it has already been a year since the Spooky Stories

That was a great fit Which is funny is like Last Halloween seems like forever ago but the election seems like it was like That's so true Literally a month ago Yeah, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah

Because Halloween was a present for a week Halloween was a f- What did we do? It's gonna be a weird party It's so funny This next four years is gonna breeze by Not three years now Nah, I don't know about that

It's kind of the other way around because it's so much that's happening The next seven years is gonna breeze by The next 45 years until Trump dies and Donald Trump Jr. becomes king is gonna breeze by He's gotta fucking throw Hillary in jail already I'm fucking

I can't stand it Hey dude, come on Don't talk about Khaleesi like that Who's Khaleesi? Hillary Clinton It's this character on Game of Thrones based on Hillary Yeah, one of the dragons is John Podesta

It sucks, dude It doesn't suck I watched the first episode of my friend's house and I was like, this is gay He's like, yeah, I know, but I like it It's gay, but it's expensive I mean, like, that's fun It's a fun show

It costs a lot of money People get sliced up This last season was like probably cost the most money It was by far the worst season It was not a good season But I think But it was still fun to watch

Beyond the books So it's just the producers Yeah, yeah I wish I had the money to buy the London review of books And then I could just personally just say, like, this shit's gay You could say gay or not gay

That's it Oh, that's pretty good You just turn it into like Ron Tomato style voting Yeah, but it's just It just thumbs up, thumbs down system It's a hard dick or a soft dick This book's fucking stupid

This shit What if it's Do you think things are okay? You just think it's sick or gay? No, there's plenty of shit I think is okay Like Kingsman, Secret Service?

I thought that was good That was good It's weird that you brought that up because I was thinking of, like What's something that I think is okay? And then I thought Kingsman, and I'm like, No, I actually like Kingsman

I think we talked about that the other day I wanna watch it Isn't there like a It's pretty cool, dude A very climactic ass fucking scene Uh, no No

What are you talking about? Somebody told me that once Oh, you must be talking about Rosin Yeah, Rosin Gale Rosin Gildin's marching fuck No, no, wait, hold on Let me get it for real

Gildin Cranston What was it, Steve? Rosin Cranston Rosin Cranston Gildin The Coward Bob James No, no, no The Coward Jesse Joyce

The Coward Jesse Joyce The Coward Jesse Joyce Fucking episode Whatever, man, fuck you guys Whatever, man She's boring, who cares What? Oh, fuck

That's really good Yeah, that was a good one Licorice sucks, huh? What? Black licorice sucks Fuck off, it's good You like black licorice? It tastes good

Yeah You're either a black licorice guy or you think it's disgusting No, if you like licorice you're either a pimp I am Or... Thank you

No, I am a pimp Thank you Next You don't sell women I'm a pimp next You don't sell women You're right, I don't I respect women

I was watching Hell Yes Did you watch the pimp show? Hell Yes, Amber I hope that you did Thank you I would love some licorice Did you guys watch the pimp show with James Franco?

Amber, stop feeding Stav Chocolates Stop feeding Candy to Stav Thank you Did you guys watch the pimp show with James Franco? No Is he in it twice? He's a...

plays Twins What pimp show? The new HBO show So it's like David Chitt It's like the movie The Parent Trap Yup Yeah, it's like The Parent Trap

His parents get divorced I've seen it Next Canceled Alright, that's the show folks Bye, goodbye