The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 7 – Autism Powers

Episode Date: June 22, 2016

Our biggest celeb get yet: the entire cast of Austin Powers joins us to discuss online harassment after Jim Norton cancelled when he found out the name of the podcast. We discuss this elusive Dickfield character. And I think we mention that new Independe

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CableMonkey. Get your free quote today at CableMonkey.org. Hey everybody, welcome to Come Town, episode 6. Just two of us today. I'm sorry, seven. Episode seven. Episode seven. It's just two of us. Our leader, Nicholas Mullen, is not here. He's actually at a rape joke convention. Yeah, there's a keynote, a Daniel Tosh keynote. Tosh will be in there. Brock Turner, I think, is Skyping in.

Nick is going also to an N-word convention headlined by Kramer next week. So Nick isn't here. But listen, you're going to want to stick with us. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. What's up? We done boys?

That's right. We done boys. We are done boys. Did we say I'm Star Wars Hockey's Steve? Adam Friedland. Puerto Rican Rattlesnake. Puerto Rican. But seriously, you are going to want to stick around because we have an incredible, this

is our biggest get for sure. We've had some great comics on, but this guy, seriously, a star. I'm pretty stoked about having this guy on the show. He's been in movies. Normally when you guys get famous people, I'm not on the show. But this is the most famous person we've ever had. Exactly. And that's without a doubt.

So I'm pretty stoked. So guys, without further ado, Dr. Evil is here. Woo! Thank you, Stavros. Thank you, Adam. It's a pleasure to be here at Comptown. We're so happy to have you, Dr. Evil. Yeah, so, I mean, I've been a fan for years, really.

For years. Yeah, you're too kind. I didn't know you were a real person. I thought you were just from movies. Yeah, a lot of people make that mistake, Adam. They think I'm a silly character, but no, I'm real. You're a real person. With a faint Canadian accent.

A very faint Canadian accent, yes. A faint Dr. Evil accent, some people would say. It's almost like I've forgotten my own personality since 2003. What have you been up to? You've been trying to take over the world and stuff? Still trying to take over the world. That's nice. You haven't made a lot of noise.

I've gone into startups mostly. Evil apps. Perhaps you've heard of Grindr. It's like Tinder except it's for spreading AIDS. Wow. You're behind Grindr. We're making noiser We making noise We them boys dude

Wow Incredible Wow We're so happy to have you here Dr. Evil I'm happy to be here Do you know Huh

Do you know how we booked Dr. Evil How we booked him Nick knows him Nick knows him I think he actually saw Nick was using A lot of I'll tell you how it happened

Oh yeah Please tell Please tell us I had I had an email From somebody That knows That I'm friends with him, and they said, this guy's harassing women online, Ja. Nick?

Nick is. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Oh, yeah, does he? Oh, yeah? Yeah. And they asked me if I could help getting him fired. Oh, yeah, we got those emails, too, actually. Oh, yeah, Yeah. And they asked me if I could help getting him fired. Oh, yeah.

We got those emails, too, actually. Oh, yeah, yeah. That woman. Sadie Doyle. Well, don't you know, I'm actually enemies with Sadie Doyle. You are, too. Why is that? So you and Nick have a common enemy.

Well, I'm what you call a brochalist. Maybe you've heard of it. The term? For the listeners at home, who's Sadie Doyle again? She's a journalist? She's my arch nemesis. She's a journalist. A blog ass.

She's a lady who uses computers to spew hatred. Who does she hate? Every white male comedian. All of them. She has a vendetta, as they would say. Oh, yeah.

That's true. And why do you beef with her? What's your problem? You said you're a brochalist. That's correct. Basically, we all live in, you know, skull mountain castles out in the water. That's very strange, because I would have assumed if you were supporting someone in the U.S. election that you wouldn't be supporting Bernie Sanders.

You'd be supporting Donald Trump. No, I'm actually a Bernie bro. You might think that I'm not, but I am. I love Bernie. I can't get enough of him. Donald, I just don't like his attitude. You don't It's too much

Up front evil Yeah Not enough subtlety Yeah Let me see Donald Trump End a sentence With you know

A long laughing gimmick Like we do Yeah That's true Which is your thing That's my thing I think I think that was

In the second movie The one with Beyonce Yes, in the gold outfit That's the third one Mainly that's why I hate the identity politics people Is because Beyonce dared to oppose me Oh yeah That's their queen, right?

That's their hero I just now put it together Yeah, wow That's their hero. I just now put it together. Yeah. Wow. That's a good bit. Wow. So, okay, so you're bummed. Bernie's probably going to pull out soon, right, dude?

Well, I'll tell you what, Adam. We're going to find a way to create a new robot Bernie with freaking laser beams in his eyes. In your socialist utopia that you want to set up? In my socialist utopia where we can harass women from the safety of international waters or space.

I have a base on the moon where Glenn Greenwald sends me updates on the coordinated harassment campaign to bully women off the internet. That's actually what happened. Glenn sent me an email. He said, hey, Dr. Evil, how you been?

Would you mind threatening to rape Sadie online? I'm too busy raping women in Brazil. Wow, really? Yeah, he lives in Brazil with his husband, right? Sure. They rape women together. This is really great, Dr. Evil. Wow, Dr. Evil, thank you so much for coming on the podcast,

because I know Nick had a bunch of beef last week with Sadie Doyle. She was going in on it. Right. I heard about that. Did you see that? He used your image a lot, actually. I actually endorse that. Oh, do you make all Dr. Evil memes? Did you see that? He used your image a lot, actually. I actually endorse that. Oh. Do you make all Dr. Evil memes?

I was on board. I make every Dr. Evil meme myself. That's really interesting. Wow, that's pretty chill. Well, I tell you what, we're winning the fight against them, but there's one of these people, a newer online account, who I'm mostly worried about. It's this guy, Woke Bastard. Oh, wow.

You know what? I would love to hear about Woke Bastard, but I really have to go to the bathroom. Oh, stop. We're in the middle of an interview. Dude, I know. It's very unprofessional. You can't leave us. I have to go.

I'm so sorry, you guys. I'm going to go. I should be back really't leave us. I have to go. I'm so sorry, you guys. I'm going to go. I should be back really soon, though. All right, DR, I'm sorry. You know, DR, I was wondering, your voice sounds a lot like Caitlyn Jenner. I was just thinking. We had the same kind of surgery. On your voice?

I take the hormones because I like the flavor. Oh, no. Not this guy. Wow. Oh, no. it's the woke bastard. It's woke bastard? I'm dead sexy. I'm woke bastard. No you're not woke bastard.

No you're not woke bastard. Yes. There's nothing sexy about you, okay? There's no place for that body negativity here, Dr. Evil. You're too fat to be lovable, okay? That's not true Being hot is everybody type Don't listen to what the patriarchy tells ya

Wow, I didn't Whoa, that's true That is, yeah, that's a good point I'm hot, I'm dead sexy What I don't understand is the difference between fat bastard and woke bastard I'm pretty sure they're the same person I think fat bastard is more, like, less accepting of his body. Exactly.

Let me explain. You might not know because you're not, even though you weren't in the scene, there's a very emotional scene where fat bastard's sad about being fat. No more. Now I love my body. I love my curves. I know that just because society says I'm disgusting doesn't mean I'm not lovable. Yes, it does, actually.

Take it back. What you should do is get a tiny clone of yourself that might weigh a fuckable weight. Oh, are you talking about a baby? I, yes. So everyone is going to get a clone in your socialist utopia. In my socialist utopia, yes. Everyone gets their own baby clone. Now they're going to be baby-sized.

I'll tell you something, guys. If I had a clone, I just would not stop 69. I wouldn't clone. Instead of a clone, you're not going to be baby-sized. That's why you get a tiny clone. Because you can't reach. It has to suck your dick, but you don't have to suck it. Like the size of a baby.

Oh, like a shrunken clone. I love eating babies. So is Austin Powers still at large? Did you win or did he win? I don't... Austin Powers has actually been replaced. Really? I have a new foe by the name of

Autism Powers. Autism Powers. Yes. Wow. He sounds pretty cool. Adam, don't you have to go to the bathroom?

Not really. I don't have to go to the bathroom. I mean, I can go to the bathroom. I have a call, actually. I'm getting a call.

Oh, wow. Adam's really good at improv. I'm getting a call. I gotta go and then I'll be right back good at improv. I'm getting a call. I got to go. And then I'll be right back in one second. I just don't want to be the only host here. Well, just go.

We'll hold down the phone. Yeah, baby. Oh, no. It's autism power. Do trains make you horny, baby? Yeah, he's a lot like Austin Powers, except he's mentally retarded. And I have absolutely no sexual desire for women, baby. That's essentially what the character is.

But you're lovable. Just because you're retarded doesn't mean you can't have love. Hold on a second, woke bastard. You're not allowed to say the R word. I'm doing it ironically. Oh, okay. That's fine. Because I'm woke, it's okay.

Yeah, baby. That's not very woke of you, baby. I mean, you might want to stop that, baby. You don't know what the woke is. You barely know how to tie your shoes. Can I tell you? Anyway, baby, I was at home memorizing every line to every episode of Gilmour Girls when I heard my arch-nemesis, Dr. Evil, was on the Comptown P-Cast.

And I'm here to arrest you, Evil. Uh is on the Comptown PCast. And I'm here to arrest you, Evil. Uh-oh. Yeah, arrest him for his crimes against the blogosphere. Frankly, I've done nothing against the autistic community. I don't understand the hatred autism powers. Listen, all of... All of you... What's wrong autism powers Having trouble with your voice

I think maybe autism powers Ate too many edibles before the podcast No baby I've never smoked weed in my life baby I'll tell you what I have eaten though Is it pussy No baby That's repulsive baby A human pussy I'll tell you what I have eaten, though. Is it pussy? No, baby. That's repulsive, baby.

A human pussy. No, baby. I didn't know this stereotype about the autistic that they hated sex. I eat train pussies, baby. Yeah, trains don't have pussies, autism. Well, that's just a matter of perception, baby. Wow. I get in the caboose and I eat that train pussy.

Oh, not long, baby. Well, I'll tell you what. I've got to go. I've got evil plans I have to attend to. Dr. Evil. Get rid of me as far as I'm concerned. Thank you for having me. I say goodbye.

I can't let you go, baby, without arresting you, baby. Say goodbye to... I gotta put you in jail, baby. Starburst. Autism jail, baby. And Adam and... We'll tell him. Okay, thank you.

Who's a Starburst? Well, there goes Dr. Evil. It's just me and you. Well, it's just us, baby. You let him off the hook? You let him off the hook? Here I am, bitch. Oh, my God, baby. It caitlin jenna baby surprise girls here i am it's an easier impression to do it sounds a lot like dr evil baby maybe he's

very similar but i'm uh yeah it's basically the same thing you're a hero thank you can i just say you're beautiful uh i agree with that you're a beauty i've had a lot of surgeries to make this happen thank you i'm attracted to you sexually okay well i have to go now too sorry oh no i thought I was getting somewhere yeah baby well I have to go I have to go fuck a train baby so wow

so I'm gonna go but woke bastard it's me woke bastard yeah keep it keep it 100 I will do that

alright bye oh hey guys I'm back from the rape convention oh it's Nick Marlin and woke bastard is also leaving I've got to go now Even though Cause I hate

Cause I hate Nick Marlin Fuck I lost the accent And A scene Guys that was actually from the play Hamilton That was a play You haven't seen the play Hamilton yet There were no actors here

It was just us It's a deleted scene from Hamilton That was all play? You haven't seen the play Hamilton yet? There were no actors here. It was just us. It's a deleted scene from Hamilton. That was all black people doing that. It's going to rhyme. That's Hamilton rough draft. Give it a couple more weeks, and Lin, what's his face? Manuel, baby. Lin-Manuel Samantha.

He's going to hammer out the kinks in that. Have any of you seen Hamilton? No. No. I saw a performance. I guess I should also just say it's good to be back, guys. Oh, yeah. How was the rape joke convention?

It was pretty good. They tried to get me fired. Somebody sent an email to the rape joke convention. Who was it? Old Sadie? Yeah. It was Sadie and then a bunch of other just angry people online. They sent him an email and said, this guy does rape jokes.

He thinks it's funny to choke women. Wow. That's actually a direct quote for me. I said that at some point. I don't remember saying it, but apparently I said that. You said that it's funny. I didn't think I did, but a journalist tweeted that I said that, so I guess it must be true. That's probably true.

Top three, banana peel on the ground, choking a woman, and hitting the balls, obviously. Yeah, hitting the balls. And then the trifecta where a woman slips on a banana peel and her vagina falls into a guy's crotch. And so he has the pain of being hit in the balls, but he's also raping a woman. That is the funniest thing. They did a study that's historically the funniest joke that translates across all cultures. Actually, that joke was written by the Japanese in World War II.

They killed a ton of GIs from laughter. That move is actually how the Russians won the 1980 Olympics. The Golden Gymnastics. They coordinated it. Svetlana Sharanka, she put out the banana peel, and everyone's like, what is she doing? This is going to be fucking ridiculous. And she did it.

And then, yeah, she pulled it off with her partner, Igor Suckidsoff. Igor Suckidsoff. Igor suck kids off. Igor suck kids off. With a V at the end. With a V. It's pronounced off, but it's a... That's what I said. My name is Igor suck kids off.

Oh, Igor's here. I'm here now. They Skyped me into the... The audio fidelity in my headphones is just perfect. Oh, no, Igor's just perfect. Oh, no. He's got to go. Goodbye, everyone. Pretty soon the characters are just going to be one second,

like just the name and then bye. Oh, good night, everybody. I'm going to talk on it. See you later. Who was that guy? That was the Australian retard. I've got a good one. Hold on.

I've got to go. I've got the trans hatter. Hello. I'm the trans hatter. You're not allowed to call me ugly anymore. Legally, you have to say, I'm beautiful. Man, you're only allowed to do impressions of Caitlyn. What's that? It's mean because she's rich.

That's the only trans person. It's Caitlyn, bitch. Here I am, bitch. Here I am, bitch. Here I am, bitch. Here we are, the real trans wives of Target bathrooms. That's the reality show. We're all here in the bathroom for a big birthday bitch celebration. We're cutting Miranda's balls off.

There's like a family coming in. They're like, get out of here. We're having mimosas. And Target has to sponsor it. Oh, boy. here we're having mimosas target us to sponsor it oh boy yeah the rape joke convention was great but you know they sent all those emails trying to get me fired and i was just gonna go attend and then they let me be the keynote speaker oh that's awesome so i gave a shout out to come town and uh i've noticed there were an additional 80 million downloads last week yeah we're making a lot of money off dude yeah we've got, yeah, we've got the Patreon.

I used to call it Patrayon. Like General Patrayon. Yeah, Patrayon. They just suck it and fuck it on the side. That's how I thought you pronounced it, and then somebody laughed at me, and I was like, yeah, you know that's not a word. They made up that fucking word for the company. Patreon.

Yeah, Patreon, Patrayon. Like a patron. Like a patron, right, but they couldn't call it patron because somebody already owned that. So has anyone sent us money for whatever this podcast is? Every episode we're making about $7,000, $7 million. That's not bad. It's not bad. Can we grow from here?

We should tell the listener at home what we're going to do with the money. I'm just going to waste it. Well, it goes to my crippling Ferrari addiction. And Adidas addiction, too. adidas addicted to ferraris so i melt them down for real though we will buy custom come town tracks tracks man i 100 if you give us money we will yeah adidas wouldn't make them because they have refused to acknowledge my presence on the internet damn no matter how many times I tweet at them or send threatening emails to their

customer service department. We could get that shit and just sew on like a Comptown patch on the back or something. That's what we should do. And then we should sell those at 800

or 9000 percent markup or whatever. Of course. I'm down. Why don't we get fake bootleg shit and make that now we're talking.

Yeah. Why don't we get Coogee tracksuits and then put the come down logo on them i'm done we'll talk about this more uh no no what's that cosby is like a majority shareholder kuji and private prison industry that makes sense no i just made it up what if he ends up in his own prison and then he's the hero of the prison do you think anyway people are like I hope Cosby goes to jail.

It's like he would be the king there. There's no way that they wouldn't, everyone in prison wouldn't love Bill Cosby. That would be the greatest time. His life would end beautifully. People would be bringing him cigarettes and Doritos from commissary or whatever. That'd be great.

Hey, Bill, how's it going? You're the reason I almost didn't end up in here well if you just stop with the cuss words oh my god Bill Cosby's here everybody

I was at a restaurant Jesus Christ with my wife restaurant and she said if you just stop with the cuss words and the raping

the women and the jalom the j and the Jalome. Oh, no. Bill Cosby had to go. I had to go, yeah. I mean, Cosby. Okay. It's me, everybody.

The other Bill Cosby. That's better, yeah. I'm more the Cosby that you remember from Brother. Brother is good. Why are you doing an impression of me right now? I'm not doing it. Professor Dr. Amarantus. I'm not fucking doing it.

That's me. Will Cosby. Oh, it's me. I'm retarded. I'm trim. We should just bring the French guys. Guys, guess how long this episode's been so far. Six minutes.

20 minutes. That's not bad. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Can I talk to you guys about something that's been fucking me up? Sure. Okay. So I looked at the Forbes richest people in the world list, right?

Yeah. Number one, easy. Bill Gates, right? He's number one? Bill Gates. No, it's Carlos Slim. No, Carlos. Billy, Bill Gates, right? Number one, Bill Gates. No, it's Carlos Slim. No,

Slim. Number four. He dropped down according to the current Carlos according to the current Carlos current Forbes list.

Slim Carlos is the guy from the wire. Carlos Slim is the guy that invented Slim Jim's Slim Charles Slim Charles. That's what that's

what you're not. You don't even know Charles and Carlos are the same name. I happen to watch like you've never even lived in translated. I didn to watch The Wire on Univision. It's like you've never even lived in Baltimore.

You watch it in Yiddish? Slim Carlos. Slim Carlos. Avon Borgdahlion. I'm sorry that I watch it in Spanish, so it seemed more real to me. I decided to change their ethnicity. Guys, this is a working theory of mine,

but the star of The Wire, do you know who that was? All the white characters. City of was? All the white characters. City of Baltimore. City of Baltimore. All the white characters. This is funnier, though. All the guys that season two of The Wire, a.k.a. season one of The Wire. Frank Sabatka season two was like 31 years old.

Yeah. But he played like a 55-year-old guy. That's what happens, man. If you go bald young, you're fucking 38 years old. But he played a 55-year-old guy. That's what happens, man. If you go bald, you're fucking 38 years old until you die. Except me. I'm the exception. Wait, Forbes lists.

Forbes lists. You can play old man. Forbes lists. Number one, Bill Gates. Number four, Carlos Slim. Number two, I thought Warren Buffett. Here's the trick, right? There's no number three. There is.

So everyone's looking for number three, and they can't find it. There's only four millionaires running around the school. All right. The school. Well, let's redo that prank. I don't know. The pigs. Warren Buffett, three.

Who's the number two richest guy in the world, according to Forbes, right now? P. Diddy. You told me already, so I'm not going to answer. It's the guy who owns Zara, the store. What? The guy who owns Zara. What is that? I looked up his bio, and basically the only thing he's ever done is owned Zara.

Zara's like a Forever 21 type shit? He has almost as much money as Bill Gates. He has more money than Warren Buffett. That's insane. What is that store? Just like a ladies... It's like H&M. Oh, really?

But it's owned by this guy. It makes absolutely no sense how like Shady Pants. Yeah. He has almost as much money as Bill Gates. Like Shady Pants Yeah He has Almost as much money As Bill Gates

Like Bill Gates brought The personal computer To people's homes The most Like important invention No that was Al Gore dude Okay fine

Al Gore invented computers And the internet That's right And getting sucked off outside He was the first guy To ever get sucked off outside Was Al Gore I invented

I can't even get anywhere close to I invented I can't stop I can't stop thinking about how the fuck this is possible. How much money that makes. The Zara guy being the second richest. Well, did he have money? Maybe he had money from something else. It was probably real estate or something.

He owns. He's a Habsburg. He owns the textile. Have you seen that? There's like a, not like a conspiracy theory, but there's a meme that goes around. It's like one Jewish like a conspiracy theory But there's a meme that goes around It's like One Jewish bank owns every bank One Jewish family owns every bank

It's like the Rothschilds The protocols of the elders of Zion It's like five families No, there's a thing going around saying That the Rothschild family Owns every national bank in the entire world Which they do Which, you know, it's true

But like why would you, you know Remind people of that Do you know what my reg true, but, like, why would you, you know, remind people of that? Do you know what my reggae band is called? No, this is gonna be good. The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. These guys sound cool. They smoke weed. It's all Jewish banking people in my reggae band.

Zion the Lion. Zion. Anyway, yeah, so, but, like like the reason i was looking at the forbes list is because i wanted to know if donald trump was even the richest guy named donald in the world no shot there's three other donalds richer than him i don't know but they're fucking they got so much money well you would have to if your name is Donald, you have to be a millionaire. There isn't an Adam in the top 1,000 richest people in the world.

Good fuck that shit. But there are like 20 Donalds. Well, maybe if your fucking name was Donald or Carlos Slim or some... Carlos Slim's a tight name. There's a Russian oligarch that I saw on the list.

There's a Russian guy who has an insane amount of money. Igor Suck Kids Off. Yeah. Igor Suck Kids Off. No, his first name... He capitalized off that gold medal fame his first name is literally god really yeah yeah it's like god sarnia for something yo can we talk about how that sarnia i've got not guilty y'all got to feel me though what what happened uh joke jokar uh szarnaya he got not guilty no i just

don't think he's guilty oh i thought you meant they had a trial and he was somehow i missed that yeah he's not guilty it's too beautiful no first of all you can't be a stoner and be a terrorist it's not possible that's just going into a Tom Myers bit now? Are you working out bits? What the fuck are you talking about? Let me ask you this. Did Jahar have a bong hit transplant? I mean, you'll be... Listen, you're telling me he's going to hit the bong and then get up and do plans?

I don't think so. You're telling me my man's going to take a toke? Yeah, on his way to the blueprints, he's going to see a bag of Cheetos, and that's it, my friends. The most good. Woo! Yeah, Tom Myers. I think someone that's never smoked weed talking with authority about weed is the funniest thing in the entire world. So, like, bragging about it.

The funniest thing Tom Myers ever did. Back to Tommy. Fuck, I was going to do some research about shofs. That's going to be next. Oh, I was going to do some research about Shoafs. That's going to be next. Oh, yeah. We'll do that later. But the funniest thing Tom Myers ever did is when he did that CD taping. Yes.

I love it. He was doing a bit, and I forget what the bit was, but he sort of just casually mentioned it while he was on stage that his parents already have a grave for him. Next to them, dude. Next to them. They've already decided this motherfucker isn't going to have a grave for him. Next to them, dude. Next to them. They already decided this motherfucker isn't going to have a family. Do you know I bought that CD online

just so I could hear Stav laughing. You still have it? Because you're exaggerating laughing. I think it's on my computer. I'm surprised that it didn't get fucked up because Mike Turpin the whole time was stomping his foot down on the ground. He's like, ha ha, doing this exaggerated laughing.

And Mike Turpin, Mike Turpin's a giant. He's like, he's like a power lifter or whatever. Power lifter, MMA guy. Well, the guy squats like a thousand pounds. So he's like just smashing his massive foot against the ground, like fucking up the recording equipment. That Tom had to ask his parents to rant for him i'm like listen guys when bernie drops out we will be one step closer to tom myers eating that pussy yeah well i'm writing the only reason i'm writing that in on the ballot tom myers has to eat the pussy

and that's i'm voting hillary only if tom myers eats the puss. We should definitely make people aware of that. We should get a clip and throw that in the shit. Yeah. Oh, definitely. That'll be the break. It's going to be the Tom Myers iterator clip. Tom Myers stuff. Fuck.

What was I going to say? I had another Tom Myers story. You were talking about the graves. He's also an announcer at a children's baseball field. But what was the best part about that CD taping is Tom actually has fans. And I remember these two weird guys from Newcastle, Delaware. Yeah, these two weird guys. Are you fucking kidding?

Yes, I'm serious. These two, like this guy whose proportions were all fucked up. He was just fat and wide, a Reddit guy with a weird like witch hat. I remember that guy. Yeah, yeah. And the long hair. And he came all the way from Newcastle. I guess it's not that far away from Bel Air, but.

Yeah. I mean, anything longer than one block. The fact that Tom Myers has a fan. Yeah, but it's like, that makes sense that that's who would be. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like just the most off-brand Reddit guy. Like not even cool in the Reddit world. Yeah.

Woody. Like he's intimidated by guys that wear Bazinga shirts. He's like, oh, they're looking at me. I hope they ask me to sit with them. Holy shit. Imagine being on the low end of that totem pole, dude. Oh, my God. That's the worst. Remember that Mexican Reddit guy we saw end of that totem pole, dude. Oh my god, that's the worst.

Oh, remember that Mexican Reddit guy we saw at the pool hall? Yeah, he was wearing a fedora and a bazinga shirt. We were shooting pool like a year ago, and there was this fucking guy. It was like a Mexican guy with another Mexican guy, and he's wearing a bazinga shirt, and he's got a fedora on. They're speaking Spanish to each other. And I think he was vaping. There was another element. Yeah, there was a third element.

Like suspenders or vaping or something. Yeah, there was a third Reddit and stuff. It was like, this is just like a Mexican Reddit guy. And he's just speaking Spanish. So the whole thing's like... El feminismo. It's awesome, dude. And the guy with him was just like in a...

Just Mexico soccer t-shirt. Like, it was just, he was clearly just, I don't know. Little Mexico. It was incredible. Yeah, he got bullied out of Mexico. Yeah. That's why he came here. He made fun of so hard in Mexico, he had to come across the border.

I was just remembering the other day, I saw, I miss watching black teens harass people. Oh, the best. I was on a bus when I was like 17, and there was these three black teenagers harassing this middle-aged black woman who was kind of overweight, and they were just making fun of her feet. Oh, jeez. And so they're like, ah, bitch, your feet look like shrek 3 just a woman that wasn't talking wasn't talking to them like bitch your feet look like shrek 3 your toes look like fucking rotten

grapes and she's sitting there and just like you know stoically looking ahead trying to ignore them and there's like tears streaming down her face like denzel and glory oh my god no and that was like a classic moment of bullying that is some fucking very good shit i i saw i heard this this one lady bullying another lady on the streets yesterday she's like where'd you get that dress century 22 it doesn't even make any sense. Well, it's not Century 21. It's the knockoff. Well, 22 is better.

It's from the future. That's true. Well, I like that Century 21 is like the place that's not Forever 21. Yeah. It's close to forever, but it's a shorter amount of time. Century sounds like a long time, but it's certainly not forever. Not forever, baby. And that's the bit, folks. That's pretty good. Why don't you bring that one to the end of the month? That's the, but it's certainly not forever. Not forever, baby. And that's the bit, folks. That's pretty good.

Why don't you bring that one to the end of the month? You know what? I think terrorists could never be potheads. I think so, too. Should we do a break? I think so, too. Let's do a break. Yeah, no, we hit 30 minutes, so first half is a success.

And then, yeah, I've got to get more coffee. We'll be back in a minute, folks. Enjoy the Tom Myers bit. I'm Don shipley that phony navy seal the weed guy and jeez have i been getting beaten up with emails about some picture some chief posed with hillary clinton at one of her rallies or some stuff out of all the phony seals that i've ever busted i have never been wrong because i check, double check, and triple check,

double check, double check, and triple check, and triple check, and I make it my business to know awards, uniforms, buds, databases, classified shit, claims, seal, buds, databases, classified shit, Buds, databases, classified shit, seal, claims, uniforms, all of it. And some of you guys went nuts when I started getting off of YouTube and starting my own video website. And the reason I did it, putting stolen valor on the map, new laws enacted that guys can't get away with this stuff, posed with Hillary Clinton at one of her rallies or something. So it's an election year. It's an election year. You guys all excited about this election coming up?

Yeah. Actually. Me, me, I'm an Obama person, but me, I kind of, part of me kind of wants Hillary Clinton to take the Oval Office. No, no. Okay. Okay. Hear me out.

Hear me out. What's the first thing Hillary Clinton's going to do when she gets in office? Get back, get back, no. Get back at Bill for all the shit he pulled. That's why I'm going to apply to be an intern. I quit smoking, though, so I don't know if that'll affect my shot. Good morning, Vietnam! I killed myself because I have Parkinson's.

Welcome back, everybody. Wow, Robin Williams was in studio. The ghost. The character's ep continues. Wow, Robin Williams was in studio for a second. The ghost. The characters app continues. The characters will not stop coming today, guys. Nobody stops coming, baby. This is Comptown. This is Comptown.

Sploosh, sploosh, sploosh. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I'd smoke so much weed, my cum got THC in it. I'll smoke my cum. I'm so stoned, man. All right. Guys, we got to talk about something for a second. What's wrong, Nicky boy?

So, I mean, I don't want to confront you guys or make it seem like it's your responsibility or anything. What? I mean, okay, well, a couple of times I've stepped out of the room. Yeah. front you guys or make it seem like it's your responsibility or anything or what i mean okay well a couple of times i've stepped out of the room yeah and while i've been gone um you've let other people on the show which i'm fine with it's supposed to be an open room i get that there's always an open door everyone knows that well there's one guy in particular um apparently there's this seth dickfield guy seth that comes on the show, which I have no problem with, but I found out that apparently that's supposed to be like a cruel impression of this guy that blocked

me on Facebook a while back. He blocked me this week on Twitter. Well, no. I mean, he'll talk to me as if we're friends whenever he has a complaint or something that he wants from me. But for the most part, no, we're not friends. And I'm a slime bag. Oh, my gosh.

According to him. Good Lord. It's kind of like an issue. So we shouldn't really be addressing him on the show. Now, I don't buy it. I think he's blowing this out of proportion. I really don't see the similarities. I mean, they're both named Seth, sure.

They kind of have the same opinions. But this Seth has round glasses, and Seth Dickfield, from what I know, has square glasses. Square glasses. That's a key thing about the Seth Dickfield character. Yeah, you wouldn't fuck that up. If you were going to do an impression of somebody,

you'd at least get the glasses right. Right, right, right. Especially on a podcast. Yeah, so i mean guys at most like maybe like six or seven more times you can let him come on okay okay any more than that you know i mean okay it's really upsetting this guy that is also named seth yeah he's also named seth i guess it's really in if anyone named adam is like uh like a fucking uh mean, like I'm going to get offended by that. That's like bullshit.

So wait a second. We don't need to give in to that. You need to understand is that this other guy, Seth. Did something happen? Well, he has PTSD. Oh, no. Which, you know, I mean, he wasn't like a veteran or anything. But apparently, like growing up, people would make fun of him sometimes, which, you know, nobody experiences that.

That's not a thing that anyone else has to deal with. It's really just him. So it gave him PTSD. He's basically a traumatic. Wait, this guy coming on post being teased by Seth Dickfield. Post traumatic Seth Dickfield. Podcast. It stands for podcast triggering Seth Daly

It's a different type of PTSD Jeez We're upsetting a lot of people I think Well maybe The thing about this podcast Is that like I don't know if people

Like this or not But it's kind of been A platform for us To just make fun of people We know Not like necessarily Even famous people Or you know Well known people Well Maybe though How about this people we know. Not necessarily even famous people or well-known people.

Well, it's punching laterally, guys. I don't believe in punching up or down. You punch to the left and to the right. That's what Ali did. Ali, who was the greatest. Seth actually said last week, if you're not hip to Muhammad Ali, it's not too late. Wait, on Facebook? Yeah, yeah.

Did you see that? If you're not hip to him. Whoa. Is he in the room? Well, maybe. How about this for a solution? We just have him on, and we'll hash it out. Well, I asked him.

He was blowing up my phone the other day, and he was like, what did you say about me? And I was like, I didn't say anything, dude. You've never come up once. Which is, that voice sounded very different to the Seth Dickfield voice. Yeah, he's like a, you know, I mean, I don't really know Seth Dickfield, but he's like, hey, everybody, how are you doing? Which is not. And the other Seth is like, here I am, it's me, Seth.

Those are two different Night and day Night and day yeah Yeah That's true You know similar accents Because they're from The same exact place

And they're the same age So you know They would have had a similar If not identical Louisiana They know each other You know weirdly enough I don't think

It'd be really interesting To get them in a room together Round glasses Square glasses Round glasses To get them in a room together To talk sometime in the future. We should maybe see if we can't broker that.

I asked him because he was like, what did you say about me? And I said I didn't say anything. And I mean, I don't know this Seth Dickfield guy, so I can't answer for what another man says. I have integrity. Absolutely. And I'm not going to put words in somebody else's mouth. That's messed up to do. That's totally fucked up.

If, you know, to go around just like almost doing an impression. Caricature or something. Yeah. I wouldn't do something like that. We know that. And that's why we started a podcast together. Yeah. Because we're friends.

Because I care about my friends and I appreciate my friends and the diversity of opinions that my friends may or may not have. I agree 100%. Regardless of whether they block me on Facebook because I made fun of one female Ghostbusters post eight months ago. What was the post? He was writing, he's like,

he's like, oh, get a load of this. I'm in a coffee shop the other day. Of course he is, he just sits in coffee shops working on projects that'll never fucking go anywhere it's a two hour movie that's all puns I guarantee you

that's what he was writing about his fucking moleskin I'm in a coffee shop the other day and I hear this guy he's talking about he's on the phone with his pal

and he like transcribes this guy's like you know 30 minute conversation for his facebook for his facebook about how oh wait and this is back before he was a bernie guy that you know oh oh uh it's this guy's complaining because he's saying oh it's sexist if you complain about hillary clinton uh news for you pal it probably is and you know that kind of shit and he like, and then he doesn't even stop there. He's going on to say it's like they have to have a female Ghostbusters now. It's like, why do girls have to have everything? And then it closes the quotation.

Then his line at the end is, look out, ladies. There's a new MRA sheriff in town. Oh, God. in town. Oh, God. And when you say MRA Sheriff, the image that pops in my head, partially due to autism probably,

is remember Mario Party 2 where you can get like there's a cowboy level? No. But it's the cowboy Wario. That's what I think. He's the MRA Sheriff. The MRA Sheriff is cowboy Wario. That's got to be on the internet somewhere. What? A sheriff Is Cowboy Warrior There's gotta be There's gotta be

On the internet somewhere What? Cowboy Warrior Yeah unfortunately When I'm on this podcast It's also video Half of your followers AVI's or whatever

So I guess Yeah I guess I just wanted You know Just bring that up And you know Let you guys know That you know

Maybe Maybe prevent that guy From talking too much shit Well open invitation To this other Seth. Anytime you want to come on, you can hash it out. You don't even have to unblock me on Facebook. I was following you because you followed me, really. Oh, he blocked you on Facebook?

Or on Twitter. I haven't been blocked yet, but I'm sure after this podcast, probably. Yeah. Well, if you want to sneak into his mentions, the key is replying to anything Talib Kweli tweets, because then Seth will defend his opinions against anyone. The dare trolls, Talib. How dare you say that to Talib?

Talib Kweli. Real hip-hop. Goddamn. I love you, Talib Kweli Real hip hop God damn I love you Talib It just You know What I love about You know what's so fucked up Is he doesn't understand

How funny he is He's amazing He's one of the funniest people In the fucking world And he just doesn't get Why he's funny But it's just not on purpose Yeah no

It's ridiculous He is funny, though. It's stand-up, right? Ugh. I wouldn't say that. Okay, well, I don't know. I saw him at an open mic once. He was very funny.

That's all I can say. Yeah, you know, I mean, for, yeah, for somebody who's been in comedy 16 years, yeah, he's funny. Nick, you're not helping us. He's very funny, and we'd love to talk with him because he's so funny, and we want him to defend himself. You're pandering too much, dude. Okay, sorry.

It's a delicate line. You almost have to neg him into it. You've got to treat him like a woman. You're trying to treat women? Yeah. Neg them. I think we're all in agreement there Absolutely

So and I guess From the Brandon Wardell corner Who isn't a character That's just Brandon's Our friend who's Been the most remarkably successful Out of any of us

And that's you know why Is because Brandon's a fucking retard And no offense to real retards You know I know there's like issues with the word but uh you know brandon's a fucking idiot but he acknowledges that like any fucking comedian like i know i'm an idiot and i'd say do dumb shit all the time and you have to have a sense of humor about it otherwise like why are you even doing this right and that's why brandon's successful

is because his all of his content is fucking dog shit his whole like snapchat he's gonna be a snapchat fucking guy that's his thing Discord chicks. It's because all of his content is fucking dog shit. His whole Snapchat, he's going to be a Snapchat fucking guy. That's his thing. No, don't say that. I mean, he's funny. He's funny. He's funny, but he's also self-aware to an extent. Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's doing a crackhead teenager character. Yeah. But he did try to troll me on Instagram. Because I think, well, he told me that he thought it was funny when I did the... Hey guys, Drake had a Pokemon. And Big Sean come in

and he don't have sex. I like that you make him Asian. I make him an Asian baby. Well, that's kind of what he is. Well, yeah, he is. He's half Asian. He's half Asian, he's half asian half air force he wrote on my he wrote on my instagram my last instagram post uh your light count is embarrassing it's wild which isn't even he getting cyber bullied by brando wardell

i really wanted to respond i stole this picture from black Twitter. Speaking of stealing shit from black Twitter, did you see the Good Morning America thing? No. Oh, it was awesome. Oh, God. So, yeah, Good Morning America, I mean, I feel so dumb doing topical stuff. Why? Just do it. Well, because it's, you know what this is going to be?

I'm going to describe it, and then I'm going to go, isn't that fucking stupid? And then we're going to go, yeah, that was stupid. Well, we're here baby yeah no good morning America like tweeted something like which meme is the most meme fucking something I don't know right right right and then they included uh uh and it was like is crying LeBron the next yeah yeah that was it is crying next big man but listen, then is that the next crying Jordan? Lizard tea. Hashtag lizard tea. Tea lizard is the Kermit the Frog thing.

It's Kermit, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then smocking that mask thing, which I don't even know what that is. I haven't seen that one before. And then some other fucking thing. I don't know. And then somebody wrote, somebody wrote it, Good Morning America erases or something about stealing the comedic excellence of black Twitter by not acknowledging the black Twitter roots of a picture of Kermit the Frog. I mean, come on.

Like that's... Well, they invented rock and roll and they invented Kermit sipping Lipton's tea. That's none of my business, though, you guys. If that's what cultural appropriation is at this point, then... I think it is. What, just stealing a picture? Stealing an already stolen picture.

Is Good Morning America tweeting a meme that Black Twitter invented? Also, did Good Morning America, like, they got the memes wrong, right? No, they got them right. It's actually more, you know, it's cool that they said T-Lizard. T-Lizard is Sobe. Do you remember that brand? It was like a lizard themed tea. I used to drink their energy drink.

Hell yeah, dude. I used to get like crates. So be yourself. Not crates, but like from Safeway, or like Shopper's Food Warehouse, they had like the wholesale size of the Sobe Adrenaline. Sobe Adrenaline. What a fucking loser.

Yeah. Ride the lizard, man. Yeah. I love soda. I want to go back to being a soda guy. I've been like really into, did I mention it last time, the Kmart Graph I love soda. I want to go back to being a soda guy. I've been, like, really into... Did I mention it last time? The Kmart Graphics Tees?

I don't know. Yeah. You are wearing a Bob Marley shirt right now. I am. I'm wearing a Bob Marley shirt. Yeah, you called... You said I dressed like an idiot earlier. You've been dressing solely in Kmart Graphics Tees for the next...

Last three weeks. That's the fucking move, dude. I want to find one of these, like, Bushwick Normcore parties. Where it's like, actually, we just dress normal. That's, fucking move, dude. I want to find one of these Bushwick normcore parties where it's like, actually, we just dress normal. That's the cool thing. And then you show up wearing a Suicide Squad Joker fitted tee

or fitted hat. Like the newest Joker memorabilia there is. The Jared Leto. Just a picture of Jared Leto. Yeah, Joker fitted hat. And see if you can get them to kick you out of the party for wearing Kmart clothes. Like, you're not cool in the right way. Who has normcore parties, though?

I don't know. I might have just made it up. I don't think that's the thing. No, Adam, you have definitely gone to a party where everyone dresses that way. No way. 100%. Probably the one you were at yesterday. What were you telling me about?

Oh, yeah. I went to this party, and this girl was there, and I didn't know who she was in it. No way. 100%. Probably the one you were at yesterday. What were you telling me about? Oh, yeah. I went to this party and this girl was there and I didn't know who she was and it ended up being Lenny Kravitz's daughter. Jenny Kravitz? Jenny Kravitz. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, Zoe Kravitz.

You're telling me you haven't gone to a party where everyone's wearing just like white tees and like ugly jeans? No, that's Baltimore, dude. Nah, dude. Dude, Baltimore, everyone... Okay, I don't want to piss people off. Let's do it. B, everyone smells like trash in Baltimore.

Oh, dude, I feel... And dresses like poor people from the 90s. Dude, how fucking deep. That's the normcore aesthetic. That is true. That is bizarre how that's a thing. Where they were like, 1998 from the 90s. Dude, how fucking cute. That's the normcore aesthetic. That is true. That is bizarre how that's a thing, where they were like, 1998, this is perfect.

But you're talking about art school kids in Baltimore. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like Micah kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. I mean, all those people are mad cool, too. But that's the aesthetic. They're not that cool. Guys, here's what I want to talk about.

Who are you backpedaling for yeah go ahead Nick um who's excited for the uh new Independence Day oh I am did they get Will Smith they didn't

they got is that the dude Will Smith's son yeah he's playing Will Smith's son it's not Jaden but it's a guy playing

Will Smith's son Will Smith actually picked Suicide Squad over Independence Day 2 what a fucking idiot. What an idiot. Are you offended? Yeah, I mean, I don't think Suicide Squad's going to be good.

I'm excited for Independence Day 2. You're excited for it? I'll see it, but I'm not excited for it. Well, the first one was so good. That's like the first time I've been earnestly excited about a sequel or a remake in a while. You think it'll be good? Yeah, of course it will. I think it'll be fun.

There'll be fucking shit exploding and shit like that. Yeah, that's what I mean. The guy that plays Will Smith's son, though, sucks so hard. Does he? On the commercial,

it's just like, today, Earth, he just gives, he's just like trying to be like, fucking, he's trying to give a big speech and it sucks. Like the Bill Pullman one

from, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Today is our Independence Day. And then the president just, like, they let him fly a... Well, that's the thing, is that he's sick at flying. Yeah. He's a former pilot. What if that's what his campaign was?

It's like, I don't know shit about anything, but I'm the best at fucking flying. And then people voted for him. I mean, Dwight Eisenhower, he was a fucking general. He was a four-star general, dude. Dude, that shit's easy to do. He was a hero. That shit's easy.

I could do that shit. No, you couldn't. Easy, dude. Okay, well, that went nowhere. What else? No, I think it looks gay. You think it looks gay? Yeah, I mean, yeah.

On a scale of one to ten gays, we should have a movie review segment where, like, that's the gay-o-meter. I mean, that's essentially what Rotten Tomatoes is. Yeah, exactly. Create a widget. Fresh. Which changes fresh to gay.

Yeah, no, Hank, the guy that, Hank Tomato, the guy that opened Rotten Tomatoes. Hank Tomato. Well, yeah, he was like a guy that fucks tomatoes. Ah. And so it was like how he ranked movies. The better he liked a movie, the more tomatoes he fucked after watching it. Instead of if it was 100. If he fucked 100 tomatoes, it was a really good movie.

Yeah, no, that makes sense. We should have... I was actually looking at a review of The Sandlot, a Roger Ebert review of The Sandlot. He said he trashed it? No. I mean, it doesn't have particularly good ratings, but Roger Ebert said he's like,

you're just so enveloped in the movie that at one point a line drives hit over the first basement and I found myself ducking in the theater and reaching up with my mitt but I didn't have a mitt on it's like no you didn't yeah absolutely did not have a lot completely lying and if you did then you need an MRI you need like a fucking you need to get your oh yeah it's like a 3D ride at Disneyland. Boom. He's a movie reviewer. Yeah. He watches movies professionally.

All day long. If anyone is numb to that kind of shit, it's him. Who the fuck is he kidding? I thought the baseball was coming out of the movie screen. I'm glad he's dead. Yeah, me too, honestly. Did you see that first interview he did when they removed the second half of his face? The bottom of his face.

Oh, jeez. He was just using the... The Stephen Hawking hawking well he was using like the mac talk app yeah like hello it's me roger ebert i feel great or whatever and that video is great because you could just make him say whatever you wanted oh yes oh wow yeah have you done that i did i made a couple of them when I was like 20. Let's make some more. Yeah, we should do that. Let's make some Comptown Originals.

Comptown Originals of Roger. How did he die? Did his cancer come back? The cancer, yeah. Didn't he get like a jaw transplant for a hot sec? That documentary was really beautiful. Yeah, and then it rejected. That sucks, dude.

Yeah, his body rejected it or something. He had a jaw again. There was like a day where he thought he was going to be OK. His wife's name is Chaz. That's pretty cool. Is it Chaz Bono? Yeah, it's a sassy black lady named Chaz. She's sassy.

You know who has a black wife? I love the pictures on like vacation of Chaz's kids and like just this fat white guy. They're such a happy family. It's like all these black people and just this like portly white like smiling dude. On a family reunion, the six flags, like a custom t-shirts made. The Koopa Ebert family reunion. They all have the shirts. Two thumbs up.

I think he was a drunk. You know who has a black wife? It's George Lucas. Yep. Which is hilarious. You know his wife played Jar Jar Binks. Well, that's what I'm saying. I was like, wasn't there a conversation in that household at some point where she's like,

George, what the fuck is this? No, it's chill because she's like, I told you not to read my scripts. She sanctioned it. George, you crazy. This Jamaican stereotype, George. He was a platypus Jamaican. Yeah. Well, I mean, if you think about it, that's the only racist against blacks character in Star Wars.

Because pretty much every other, the majority of them are Asian people. Yeah. He found a way to, like, every single one. The glasses lady in the last one was an Asian woman. That's a tribute to George Lucas. That's the only hat tip to George Lucas. It's the last Asian one. It's like,

one day your destiny gonna be real big. You gonna have real good time destiny. You like Rook Skywalker. And there's like a shooting star in the background.

It's like, this is for you, George. J.J. Abrams points outside the stadium. You know what I mean? Yeah, you're real big. You get your own lightsaber. You go down basement, find lightsaber.

You be real hero, just like Rue Skywalker. Fuck yeah. Yeah, no, the best one, though, the most racist of all the Star Wars, like, you know, background characters has to be Han Solo's co-pilot in Return of the Jedi. Han Solo or? Oh, yeah, Lando. Lando's. Yeah.

Yeah. He just looks like a fat Korean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, and then all he says is like, oh, okay, okay. Look at this. He hates Asian people. I think we might be onto something here. Yeah, well, more so because that's how really you can't just say somebody's racist, right?

Because nobody has time to just say like, oh, this guy hates. Then he has that defense of like, oh, I hate everybody equally, right? He can just say he's a... What's the word? Misanthrope? Yeah. But he clearly hates Asians the most, so that's the one you should focus on.

Yeah, wasn't he beefing with an Asian actress? Who's that sexy Chinese lady who was in... Lucy Liu. No. Sandra Oh? That's to both of them. Her name is Bai Lin or some shit like that. Oh, yeah, yeah, from Crushing Tiger? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chinese lady who was in Lucy Liu Sandra Oh that's to both of them so it's one of those two her name is Bai Lin

or some shit like that oh yeah yeah from Crushing Tiger yeah yeah yeah I was feuding with her like with the wires she got cut out of she got cut out of the movie

or some shit like that oh really yeah she was in she was in it she was like hunting fucking I don't fucking know Boba or some shit I don't know dude

I was beating off to her once and that came up in a search yeah I was like did you see they made that Ghost in the Shell movie? And Scarlett Johansson, they cast Scarlett Johansson, and all these idiots on Twitter

are like, here's who you could have cast instead that's actually Asian. Ba Bing Lao. Ling Zhao Xunzhen. And it's like, who the fuck any of these people are? I know who Scarlett Johansson is. Maybe I'll go see this stupid fucking anime movie if she's in it. I don't know who. Oh, Ching Chang Sally.

Ching Chang Sally. Yeah, she was on a TV show in Korea in 1992. So she should be the star of this blockbuster movie. Yeah, that one's going to get me in trouble. Yeah, we should just send that directly to your girl, Sadie. Yeah, Sadie should find out about that. You need to apologize to Sadie about being racist to Asian people. Well, you know, I feel like Sadie could come around.

You know, Doyle's Irish. She's got the evil in her, you know. She has the potential to be as racist as the rest of us. Listen, they came over on those boats and they saw those signs that said they need not apply. Yeah. And it made them angry. They thought that meant to life. You know what I mean?

And so they just all became scumbag pieces of shit. But actually, there's that other woman, Feminista Jones. That was fucking hilarious. Somebody started searching her old tweets. And like 2012, she's like, fuck Chinese people. Asians can't drive. She just straight up said, Chinese people can't drive. Asians can't drive, which is like not even a joke. Is she like a Hillary person?

Yeah. She's woke as hell. She's like a woke account, though. I don't... This is such a weird group of people that Twitter has uncovered. Well, so, yeah. The militant middle people? Well, hold on.

So she had a tweet on there that was like, I love when you come out of a bathroom and you can tell the bitch that was in there before her pussy stank like a Holocaust shower. What? Which is like, that's like my level yeah that's the kind of shit that i tweet and i'm like that's extremely online yeah yeah and and so i kind of had this moment with her where it's like i don't want to shame her for these old tweets i just want her to be like come back yeah let this be your like come to jesus moment just give up all this just be a monster just fucking do it you like it

it makes you probably makes you happy you don't need to be a fucking good person you need to enjoy your life and take care of your children let's reach out to her let's get her on the

I tried to she blocked me I added her to one of my irony DMs isn't this like digging up isn't one of these like digging

like this whole thing about digging up old tweets from accounts is like the same thing that we criticize this happens to like snl people right yeah but you just do it to snl people aren't fucking sanctimonious pieces that's true i i support doing it to the woke yeah if you're online constantly talking about like you know uh fucking going through and criticizing like word choices that people you presumably agree with like her tweets on that day were all about some Asian guy that wasn't a good enough ally.

Or he said something about how Asian men's allyship should be, you should side-eye, clap back, fucking Kermit the Frog at it or whatever because it erases her voice. And then immediately people were finding those Asian tweets, and she's like Whoops Whoopsie daisy She's like

I'm glad I've grown a lot Yeah but those are the people Retweeting the stories About when a comedian Gets fucking Yeah of course Hired and you know Which is fucking ridiculous

We'll stay out of that shit Yeah No they did it to Red Nitsky or whatever Who bumped me at the stand Last night and crushed Really Yeah How's his stand up Is he good He's good I want to hate him I want him to like not But he's good Did he dance They did it to Red Nitsky or whatever, who bumped me at the stand last night and crushed. Really?

Yeah. How's his stand-up? Is he good? He's good. I want to hate him. I want him to, like, not. But he's good. Did he dance? Yeah.

He's, like, 23 or some shit. That dance thing he did on SNL was amazing. I didn't see the dancing. Yeah, it's really good. It's clearly what he auditioned with. Yeah. It was pretty incredible. Is it just dancing?

No, he just does the entire plot of Dirty Dancing in a dance. And he's just... Well, how hard is that? It's a dancing movie. He's an electric performer. Yeah. Yeah, he's not a bad stand-up. You thought it was bad?

It was fine. I don't know. I thought it was like... It's just a bit... Yeah. I prefer Joe. That's the thing. They always bring the new guys on who aren't getting enough time to just do their stand-up

during Weekend Update. Right, right, right. So, like, that's... They did one of those things with him. Yeah, yeah. You know what, guys? We should make our own SNL with all our crazy characters

that we've been coming up with. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we should... Like Dr. Evil. Dr. Evil and Woke Pastor. And Seth Dickfield and... Autism Thar.

That'd be good. I think... We'll see if if we could do like a web series that might work that would be funny you know who makes me horny baby

I'll see Matt Lois from Family Guy baby that would be good to see you know what what is funny to me is cause like I mean

I'm not like a free speech guy per se but I do like copyright infringement a lot oh it's the best. I think you should be able to just fucking steal shit from comedy. We should do that. For sure.

You can't own ideas, people. My angle is it's not funny unless you get sued. Nice, dude. I know that once Comptown gets to a certain point, we're going to be getting like a briefcase offer. And they're going to be like the only thing. Jason's going to try and buy it. The only thing that needs to happen. You don't understand.

Is you need to change your name. And Nick is going to be like, guys, let's walk away. Oh, yeah. We're not changing the name. First of all, no one is going to fucking give us like $100,000. It's going to be in a briefcase. Yeah. I'll do it.

We want to make it happen. We want to make this a year. I'll get it. I'll get $100,000 for this podcast NBC I guarantee no you won't bitch yeah I will

MTV come you know what somebody taught C-M town I don't know if it's smart to shit on like a fucking MTV show

don't do it alright well why do you wanna work for them no not really it's not gonna happen but

they're garbage I was talking with somebody the other night and they're great we were making fun of MTV shows in the past. And somebody told me they were auditioning. I'm not going to fucking say it. What? Well, I'll tell you afterwards.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even told you. Wow, great for the podcast. I did. Let's end it on that note. Let's tweet at Nick. What was the story? You want to just cut that out?

No, I'm leaving it in. He doesn't... Do you refuse to ever edit any of these ever? No, I don't. I just learned what compression is the other day. You can edit fairly easily, I feel like. I could, but whatever. Why don't you just drop it?

We can move on to something else. That's a good point. I like that. I wanted to mention this. Here's a good... You throw this in the bit tank for the open mic. Let's do it. So the money in the briefcase thing, nobody has briefcases anymore.

No. But they still do the briefcase thing in movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if somebody's buying drugs, if I saw somebody with a briefcase today. That's for drugs. I would pull them over. Did you see that truck that got pulled over in the Holland Tunnel today? No.

Oh, yeah, yeah. With all the guns. But then they showed the truck. And it's like this fucking like Ram van with wraparound decals and a fucking like surge green cooler in the front on like a bracket. They were like strapped up, and they were like, we had to rescue our friend who's addicted to heroin. That's what they said, and they had just like an arsenal of weapons. The truck, yeah, the truck looks like a mid-90s Mountain Dew promotional. That's awesome.

It's got all this like, you know, like urban tactical gear or whatever decals on the side, like a Ton-90s Mountain Dew promotional. That's awesome. It's got all this like, you know, like urban tactical gear or whatever decals on the side, like a Tonka decal. Oh, hell yeah. And yeah, there's like a fucking beer cooler attached to the front of, like a neon green beer cooler attached to the front of the truck.

It's basically a monster truck. Damn, I wonder what they were for real about to get into. Hopefully about to like kill somebody over Mountain Dew. They're about to raid the Surge factory. You know what I love with each new mass shooting? It's always a different type of guy now. So they're like, oh, yeah. Of course it was a gay Muslim.

Yeah, closeted gay Muslim. Oh, fuck. I don't even know who to be mad at with this one. It had closeted gay Muslims. God, fuck. I don't even know who to be mad at with this one. He used to be easy. Just crazy white guy. Well, until, what's his name? The DC sniper. No, I almost said Jeremy Lin.

What's the fucking, Arthur, not Arthur. Arthur Chu. Virginia Tech. Virginia Tech. What's his name? Cho. Sunmoon Cho. I don't know.

Whoever he is, he should star in the new Ghost in the Shell. That should be the fucking... The young, young kid. And we did it. And there it is. That's the callback. Folks, thanks for listening. Should that be the podcast?

I think so. We did it. That's an hour. You guys were fun? Yeah. You guys got anything you want to plug? No? Great.

See you later. Nothing. Instagram, bitch. Instagram bitch guitar solo I'm sorry. What do you think? I think we did the kiss on the nose. Yeah. Yay! Changing a light bulb should be simple. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh-oh, that's not supposed to happen. Changing a light bulb should be simple. Quickly submitting and tracking a claim on the Bel Air Direct app actually is simple. Bel Air Direct. Insurance simplified.

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