The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 71 – Bean reviews

Episode Date: September 28, 2017

black beans pinto beans pink beans. who the fuck is eating pink beans am i right? why wouldnt you choose a cooler bean. this is a sneak peak at some of the new stand up ive been working on.

Okay, so we have I this is a Not that they don't sponsor the show. This is 100% a totally natural endorsement. Mm-hmm, baby Bell minis Little Jesus fuck. I love some of wax on top. Yes. I was always flavors intimidated by them as a kid Cuz I don't me too. This is hilarious. Yeah, the reason We're friends is the most retarded like like those. Yeah, the wax always kind of I didn't understand it It didn't make sense to me and I tried to eat what what happened was I was so You don't fucking eat the way Exactly

Yeah, I bought I bought into the bit into the wax and my friends made fun of me. Yeah, and I was like I can never Yeah, I know I didn't say anything until I was an adult because I didn't understand that you're supposed to remove the wax Yes, but yes Well, yeah, no now that I'm back on like, you know Cycling all my shit and fucking counting calories Mini baby bell lights or like the best snack lights. Yeah, dude. It's 50 calories Oh, it's like six grams of protein and five grams of fat. I love it. Yeah, you want to be a paleo warrior

Get some mini baby bell lights. You can eat like nine of them and it's like, you know, I like a little more dog I roasted another motherfucking damn pork shoulder some squash. I'm all on squash That's the fucking food of the of the fall for me, right? I've got a butter nut and I diced that bitch up. I've been making squash fries and squash mash Dude, my don't you know, it's great. You want to go paleo? You want a nice low carb alternative to spaghetti fucking spaghetti Squash with which doesn't need more than just like a little bit of oil little garlic Garlic oil and then if you throw that bitch in some fucking pasta sauce. Yeah, there's no difference fuck fuck spaghetti Yeah, I'm out on spaghetti. I love spaghetti. I love I love noodles. I mean I

Like that's why I can't go zero carb. I can't wait to eat pasta. Nah fuck pasta. I'm a rice I'm a motherfucking rice. Come on from the gym You suffer through whatever fucking bullshit high protein meal you have to eat because I I don't know about you guys but when I go hard when I when I watch my Mark Wahlberg 2016 workout video and I copy the workouts in the gym Yes, I bring my my iMac into the gym and I plug it in from across the gym watch Mark work out and then I tape myself and then I Use a green screen to edit myself hanging out with Mark. Yes all my workflow is I do one set of bench do one set of Motion Apple motion. Yes green screening myself hang out scenes with Mark Wahlberg

Uh-huh, and then I make myself three out of four of the brothers. Yes, and Not Donnie. Anyways when I get done with that kind of work Yeah, yeah, yeah, I fucking I have no appetite. I have no appetite after working out really a protein shake just because it tastes good But like to have to make like a fucking, you know Half a pound of chicken and like fucking broccoli and eat that shit. Yes, broccoli can suck my hard carbs though After working out are the fucking best I get I get more I get tired from eating like chicken breasts or steak after working Oh, no steak. I'll eat whenever but then when I am able to just fucking load up on either oatmeal or Some nice whole whole wheat pasta. That's the best meal more like goat meal

Yeah, they got the greatest of all To cereals Make fresh pasta if you notice battlefield one they updated the game there's an update and they took the black guy out Oh, no, I know it's a white guy, but it's kind of like DSL sort of Russian so they made it had to make him look asianic, but look at his gun dude. It's got it's four guns Oh cool four barrels. Yeah, what kind of gun do you want? If you had to have a gun? Yeah, it's an eagle because my yeah gold played it Have you ever seen a desert eagle hilarious? They're fucking it's ridiculous. I've never seen in real life, but yeah online

Yeah, well, that's cuz you're a pussy. Yeah, you're you're you're one of those people that's like Oh, I would be afraid if I was even around a gun No, I want to shoot now you've never snorted cocaine off a desert eagle dude and get the fuck You know, we should go to a shooting or a formative liberal bullshit. It's like I would be terrified if I was around a gun I don't even know how just it's like being around a fuck anything a song. You fucking idiot. Yeah. Yeah I mean, I still don't wouldn't want to be around a gun if I want to shoot an AR dude Yeah, those are so I want to shoot first of all shooting an AR 15 is not fun Compared if you go to it here's a tip and this is a tip from an ignorant man that just likes to have fun

So I know what I'm talking about if you're some gun fag out there Loves guns and you're like no absolutely not here's what you need to do an r slash guns. Yeah, you already enjoy guns too much This is for the casual. You don't know shit about guns You want to go to a shooting range and have a good time because shooting range is not fucking cheap You know with the gun rental and all the fucking bullets it like it can it racks up pretty fucking quick to be an expensive What if you be yob bring your own bullets? It might save you a little bit of money. I mean, I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure but you buy the bullets at the gun store Which is usually like where the range is anyway. Yeah bullets are the expense

I mean if you bring your own gun, then maybe you can save a little bit of money, but steal a gun Yeah, you can make your own bullets. That's what you have that that thing I wasn't that in with like fucking in born doesn't the guy have that like he makes his own bullets There's a guy in some one of those movies. Maybe it's maybe it's red dawn. Okay in a movie I Want movie all I use is holo tips, bro. Yeah, that's it for me. Yeah fucking hurts my enemies more Yeah, I use holo tips with uranium and then if it doesn't kill you you'll get cancer 20 years later That's pretty cool. Yeah

What kind of weapons do you think the CIA has don't they have like a gun that gives you a heart attack if you shoot it? Like a CIA. Yeah, dude the secret heart attack gun. I've been talking to Tim Dillon a lot Why would the why would the CIA need to kill like a leader guns already kill people? Yeah, but if this is discreet I don't need Dude the Russians the Russians fucking killed some like the poison. Yeah with Well, they do that radioactive tea. I know pretty cool. Yeah, anyhow, so if you want to go to a gun range You have a good time You get a

38 magnum or a 44 magnum if you can handle it 44 magnums is what I have on my nightstand. Yeah, I'm having sex a point three eight inch penis Magnum condoms the big kind now point three eight inch penis. Have you ever worn a magnum? Oh, yeah, I can tell a difference It falls off like a regular It's like a it's a marketing thing it totally whatever the difference is it's negligible I like them because I like a baggy fit the way I wear my jeans. I like my yeah, dude You know a little extra room. I love the sack. Yeah a little extra room. Yeah no, but

Yeah, you get a fucking magnum or any kind of revolver Handgun if you're gonna shoot like a semi-automatic you get it like a 45, you know something fucking big Can you play? I know a meter bullshit anything smaller nine millimeter bullshit. No, although, you know what I want to do You get a little fucking Saturday night special and just fucking practice grabbing it from my ankle and shooting an enemy Mm-hmm. Yeah, you know those are my favorite guns the little ass guns on your 38 snub nose What's the James Bond gun the PT cruiser PT cruiser PT cruiser? Yeah. Yeah, it's a good-ass gun, dude I forget the name now the Walter PPK the Walter PPK. Yeah, PP tiny little Gay little British little

Yeah, we're gonna take out of the shooting range and they just give them they'd take one look at him And they just give him a piece of paper to give himself paper cuts with You just throw bullets The wind the draft That's a really good impression that's the best impression of Adam I Got a wilting flower Fuck yeah, dude, but that's how you have fun at the gun range

You get the loudest fucking gun possible and they don't even worry about hitting the target, you know Because the real target is the other other guys at the gun range Yeah, show them up the other guy if you just pull that gun back place it to their head Then you're the winner you win How quick would you die if you did that at a gun range? Um, immediately about me. I know how quick they would die. Yeah, I could I guarantee you I could kill everyone in the gun range Before they could take me down. You're surrounded though. I good guys with guns What's that? I had a gun right remember that when you're a kid you have like those fantasies the only thing they can stop

That's the only thing bad as a kid in your mind. You knew how to disarm people. Yeah I would do Yeah, yeah, do one of those running wall backflips Yeah, yeah, I would do their arm I would do one of those Ray Mysterio like wrap my legs around their neck and like a hurricane run a hurricane run Adam would do the Xenia on a top For the bag the the bond the evil bond girl from GoldenEye Adam has sex with the men Today he squeezes that he would do he would do the Xenia warrior princess Adam likes to have sex missionary style

Oh, yeah on the bottom. Do you guys remember there is a lesbian plow on a man's leg around what show Xenia warrior princess Oh, that was my absolute shit Lucy long as being with Gabrielle. Yeah, Gabrielle was hot. Yeah, Gabrielle was like her like prison wife Yeah, I guess prison husband No, no, Xenia's the fuck you know, I know I mean but in girl prison. How do they? Oh It's not like they fucking make a girl eat their pussy and they go. Yeah, you're a girl now They're already a girl. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah, the one who gets their pussy I guess that they become a child. Is that the gender under woman? Now you're five your names Tommy

Say it bitch say a child bitch. My name's Tommy and I want I want to drink a juice That's what I like to hear Because I want to drink a juice. Does my pussy tastes good. Does my pussy tastes like juice You better have a juice smile on your face for my juicy ass pussy Tommy five-year-old bitch Yeah, I think you're right Nick all lesbians are I actually want to be eaten out by little boys. That's what fantasy No, I don't mean lesbians dude. I'm talking about prison. Prison lesbians. Yeah, who it's which and they don't identify as lesbians

They're straight. Okay. It's the it's the women that they're raping that are Mm-hmm the five-year-olds. Yeah, I'm not a pedophile. No, they're the pedophiles. Absolutely I love little kid lists man. This shit is so funny. It's like talk normal bitch You know what I mean boys? Yeah kids with speech impediments. Yeah, it's like that's me slapping them There's a fat little boy on my block with a speech impediment Hell yeah, who I saw doing a full split and rapping Cardi B You told this story in the podcast. I didn't tell it on the podcast

I told you guys independently, but it was very funny that rules. Yeah a little fat kid doing splits There's nothing like a fat little gay kid a fat gay kid the best. I hope my son is a fat gay kid Yeah, not like his father before any you try bitch Yeah, like his mother you Your mom You're pregnant Yeah, that's a that's a really good business gendering people at the show last yeah, it was really rude man. Yeah, it was fucked up Yep, you called the trans bartender he yeah, no, I didn't violated the number one rule of that bar. No bullshit

They gotta sign the show at the bar. We do the show at they have a sign in the bathroom that says no racism no transphobia No sexism no homophobia Homophobia no ageism. Yeah. Oh, no ageism real fuck old people. Yeah cares, dude I mean I get yeah, that's real. I mean I can I can like my grandpa's like That once you get to a certain age, it's like, you know, you're gonna die soon, right? And it's not like maybe I got five good years left. It's like two and it's like yeah I'm just gonna I'm like the next thing the next thing that's gonna happen is I'm going to die right the next big It's not even like I wonder what the new James Bond movie is gonna be like. It's like yeah, yeah, I'm not gonna see that

There's not gonna be anything the only thing that can possibly happen next is that I die damn and I'll never know another iPhone Yeah, right Once you get to that point, it's like They're just miserable and he's lived a good life, you know, I mean he has a big family that he lords over with his shitty opinions Yeah, which is all he ever wanted. That's right. Yeah was to impose is his his Patriarchal yeah, right have have an extended family of 20 people who he could yell at and it's like You know, he just doesn't seem happy which is fucked up, you know, my other grandma was like that She died my grandpa on the other side. He was just like done like you know, you'd like a stroke or something

I was in the hospital, and then he was just dead. So he seemed okay, but my other grandma She spent like five years in a fucking nursing home just The nursing home is the worst. Yeah, I'm trying to get got if I'm in a nursing home Someone put two in the back of my head. That's what everybody says and then guess what happens You end up in the fucking nursing home. Yeah, you will not me. I'm dying early. I mean if anyone's dying early It's it's me and you Adam's gonna live forever. Yeah. Yeah, it's gonna I was gonna be one of those guys that starts getting plastic surgery Hell, yeah

You're gonna look like Phil Spector, dude It's stupid hair and you're fucking stupid earring looking a little Chinese. Yeah, right cuz your eyes I just I use to be cool. That's my favorite is Lip injection You know those old guys that are still like trying to dress like it's fucking 1985 or whatever Yeah, I love the shitty mullet, you know, yeah haircut and the shitty sunglasses and they're like God I was actually cool back in the day. No, you tried to be right and you weren't yes all the cool guys died Exactly, that's why you're still that's my best. That's my favorite friend. Leibowit's take where she talks about like how every gay guy now is a

Fucking loser because anyone who was cool had got AIDS That's so fucking good, man, she fucking she's funny shit Yeah, she rules man. That's true. We were robbed of the best gay guys I know I shouldn't be playing battlefield during the show. Yeah, but hold on. This is the new update It's okay name of the czar. All right. Try and do our try and do one kill that word czar It's the Russian one not not czar. It's T. S. A. R. That's czar bitch czar still czar. Yes Yes, it's a different spelling you fucking moron. No, it's yeah, I don't it's derived from the same word Which is Caesar czar you think it's pronounced czar. It's czar my man. It's czar Nicholas. Yeah, dude the czar

Is that anesthesia's dad? It's uh, it's George 5's cousin. I think or George 6. Yeah, that was fucked up all all All kings and shit were just like cousins. Yeah before World War one. Yeah, and that's what everyone was cousins It's like yo, you fucking looked at my girlfriend. Thanks I'm gonna fucking kill Quarter of all the men in your country under the age 18. Holy shit, dude monarchy's are fucking gay. Yeah. Yeah They gave us a Greek king just like chill us out after the thing. It was just some German guy It's like after world. What are you gonna give us a king? It was after

Um, it's like checkers after the revolution. So like after in the 1800s, I guess I don't fucking remember that's my favorite shot Put a little checker on the tip of my dick and then I hit the back wall and I go king me bitch Come immediately She goes, yeah, that wasn't that hurts. Please get the checker out of my cut out of my pussy I mean this guy just cut my head off. That was fucking tight That was cool. He fucking sorted your ass. Yeah Oh

Fuck dude fuck the czar. Yeah, there weren't swords in World War two World War one was the last sword I bet you they got a couple swords in the mix like an old fashioned Like I think for maybe dress uniforms people would have so yeah, and everyone's well. There's still swords now Yeah, they're like little knives. What are you talking about babe? No, not being that's dude You're talking about just straight-up swords. Yeah Yeah, like World War one dudes had swords World War one dude that must have sucked so much dick Just being in trenches. It was got fucking your feet smell bad You know

Everyone's got it's fucking moldy as fuck. There's probably the porridge was bad too probably eating that shit with water I don't know. I don't have any milk porridge. We're the fucking getting a milk in that trench. The Civil War was the best They just lived off hardtack. Oh, it's just like a spoiled saltine Yeah Like well time to go try and not die for 18 straight hours. I'm shitty crackers fucking Civil War rules I love that Ken Burns documentary the guy is like writing a letter to his dad. Yeah, it's like a fucking It's like one day a battle He got shot under one ear and the bullet came out like the front of his face. Oh, they just like put a band-aid

Oh my god, dude, you fucking just went back to war fuck dude That's what I was thinking and when you have a bullet goes through through your fucking head And you're like I'm not dead. You're like I'm going home boys. Yeah They're like no actually we're gonna just listen man if you want, you know slavery to keep going I mean if yours is devoted to states rights as that guy, it's because he's a thing heritage not hate. Yeah, apparently This is something I heard recently I had heard this from someone else. Mm-hmm The South the CSA had way more amputees. Yeah from over dressing wounds because they had I don't I don't think I don't think

It's fair to say that like the Confederacy was hate-based It was about slavery, but it's like slavery was just a thing going on then It's not like they hated They love the idea of not having to work No, I think it's not like You know, I mean it's a guy a guy today that's pro-slavery is much worse than a guy 1860 that was pro-slavery. Well, that's like you can take the other approach Which is saying that they didn't necessarily like black people all that much in the north

They were just opposed to the institution of slaves. How is that a funny take to have no I'm just saying that's like a more appropriate. Yeah. Wow. Good point Adam Welcome to seventh grade revelations Adam Friedland. Oh, I got a professional comedian Have you ever wondered rock really dude, what about our founding fathers? They were good guys though, right? Yeah, dude They own slaves. What? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, holy shit I was just disappointed to find out that all the Mount Rushmore guys weren't actually that big That's how you got to be president if you were a giant this guy

Well, I guess it's fucking this guy. It's the only guy with a big ass head. Yeah Yeah, Paul Bunyan His ox was up once. Yeah, he lost the fucking stupid story. Paul Bunyan is blue ox Yeah, that's what like that's what entertainment was before television in America is like people telling story check this out There was a huge guy one time. Do you ever hear about that and he had a fucking cow But guess what? There's a fucking blue cow the cow is blue and he used to pick the cow up Dude anyways, that's how the Great Lakes were created is his footsteps. Oh, you don't like that story I got another one for you. There's a guy

Well, he's a John Henry who got beat by a machine You think Paul Bunyan ever used the fucking geysers as a fucking bidet Hey, that's pretty cool. You know, he just put his asshole on the fucking that would be sick Volcano had a colonic Day did they make those a hot bidet you get a pretty hot Holy shit, I feel like I've been in straight-up inventor mode the last couple months. Hmm. I've had so many good ideas name one The aromatic diffuser that that has a bunch of base smells in a carousel in it And then it's hooked up to is the mic picking up you just laying it on your chest. Yeah, it's picking up

All right, here. Let me check. Yeah, that works Damn it. It's stop. If you get me killed you have to understand. I'm in battle Yeah, Nick has been playing from the moment he mentioned battlefield. He has been playing battlefield I was hiding in an attic for a while. That's that's a cool this here You know what? We're gonna do my name of the SAR review here Yes, the name of the SAR review are you fucking they have an attic you can hide in very Realistic interesting like that's what Adam does when I replace every one. Yeah, that was You know, it's my opinion that that was World War two actually people should have known that the Nazis were coming based on

Germany's helmet choices in World War one There's a little spike bike that rules. Yeah, it sucks how cool the evil guys uniforms always are We're the evil in World War one. Yeah, I think so. Well, that just goes to show you that like there's you have a subconscious Understanding that our entire notions of good and evil are reversed The good guys embrace skulls and spikes and stuff like that. That's why it's cool That's why a part of you knows deep down that you would much rather be in a shiny SS uniform You know, you're talking straight stylistically Stylist you go boss

SS dude, I tried on a Hugo boss suit and I look like fucking shit Yeah, that's how you know, you're not a real salesman was this like sexy Spanish guy He was in like really good shape. Mm-hmm. And see, you know, he's trying to sell me a fucking $1,200 suit Right, I'm not buying right and he's like, you know, it just looks bad on me And he's like, yes, maybe you'll try a different one. See you have me or you we have the same body type So the ones that look good on you and it's like they just trained you to say that we have the same body type You're like a much better-looking person than I am Yeah, you get that's funny that when you're at a certain kind of fat people will stop even respect won't even lie to you

I was like I was trying on a suit and I was like, yeah, you know, I can go with this one I think maybe this size or maybe the smaller size, you know, I'm planning to lose a little weight and the guy was like Yeah, I've heard that one before. What the fuck? I'm trying to buy a suit. That's called be a fucking liar I got a suit for you. You're like, this is a camping tent That's what happened to me when I try because I'm trying to buy a bike By the way, if anyone has a free bike, they want to give me in New York City We're going to Chinatown after this day when I lived in Chinatown I was I used to live at Bowery and canal and it's like right right at the mouth of the fucking Manhattan bridge

Mm-hmm. Yo, yes. Yes, and some guy comes barreling down the Manhattan bridge and then down Bowery And he's just looking at everyone on the sidewalk. He's riding this bike screaming bike bike five dollars five dollars bike Just That fucking rules my neighbors the bike thieves are having a big bike sale right a big bike blow up Should we go over there? I want to see the sign. I want to see the sign they put on the night hot They got that fucking like the motorcycle. That's not yeah at mid 80s. It's not who owns all those bikes There are these like two like cool motorcycle guys. That's a great name for a bike night Oh, too much. There's about to be three cool motorcycle guys. I know

Number three. Oh, now you're gonna be a motorcycle. I was a motorcycle I was in front of you because you'd look like a fucking idiot on a motorcycle. Why would I look like an idiot a much stronger man? With a mustache you guys are both gonna die on a motorcycle. That's fine. That's well. Yeah I'm not gonna wear a helmet obviously. Yeah, cuz then you're you're a fucking bitch So fuck well, look at that guy I'm a draw dog killed by so tits his API is a lady with a VI API. Yeah, everybody update your AVI Is that do is it? What is it? It's avi avi? Yeah avatar. It's not it's not an acronym avi Sins for audio visual

Interface internal vaginal intercourse. Oh, done. Come on File type. Yeah, what the wait when you like shit a woman's pussy exactly When you fucking go ass to ass with her ask the pussy like in the that's how that's the ultimate sexual assault You think there's a straight guy straight in quotes an atom who uses a dildo and puts it in his ass And he fucks his wife well his wife puts it in her pussy like they go ass to ass double-sided Yeah, taking a shit in the pussy is the ultimate. That's alpha move. No, that's like The highest crime It's gotta be a big

Opening not diet diet not diarrhea, but like a mushy turn you gotta be you gotta be a top tier section You're gonna be Cosby to do that shit Cosby probably did that. Yeah, I think you need some that's the thing they don't tell you or a funnel you'd mushy shit No, there is that your dick doesn't work so good Do you see when you become an old man? It doesn't work. So what you would do is you would put the pill in a drink. I Would pull down the pants. I would put my ass up to a pussy and I would take a shit in the pussy. I Would put the two holes together and I would take a shit out of my ass

directly into a vagina You see What you would do? Thank you, brother. Thank you for that. What I'm waiting to respond. What's he up to man? What's what's the cause up to has he cleared his name that's what he's baseless accusations. Yes. Yeah I've been this is now. I've been cleared of all charges. So what I've been doing is Put it by ass directly up to a child's mouth

See that it took a shit out of my ass. They are now. That's definitely child abuse. Is it molestation? Yeah, I don't know. Now. That's an interesting question Somebody told me No, no, not pussy mouth Somebody told me last night that Charlie in the chocolate factory Charlie was really supposed to be black chocolate Charlie in the factory That's good. Dang But and I didn't wasn't I started thinking about chocolate Charlie in the factory as soon as he said that I didn't hear the real reason as to why They didn't make him black because it's a book

So you could just say nothing and he could be anything, right? I don't remember a point that book where they're like Charlie a white who is white by the way Yeah, he went to the factory with his grandfather That's the magic of literature. In fact, any book I read I assume the characters are black women. Mm-hmm. Yep, you know Yeah, I was shocked when I thought I heard about her Voldemort black woman Yeah, Voldemort is almost a black woman's name. Yeah, Voldemort sort of like an androgynous black like Valdi singer like you could just go singer kind of Voldemort. Yeah, the mort is the hard part But bald you could you could get that in the mix with a black lady's name vulva mort. There we go

Yeah, vulva mort, you know, it's like his nose. Your nose looks like two pussies I don't know. I don't know anything about Harry Potter some it's good. I'm backing off this one. Wow, dude It's it's all the Harry Potter. Yeah, baby. I'm a HP boy You look Packard Yeah, I thought it was about Hewlett Packard. I read them, too I just I remember I tell that story about it. I've been at my Community college and there was this like large retarded man that was like attending classes there and it wasn't me That's what you were thinking

No, and they had a fucking uh, no, you said large not a little ass fucking frail wrong retarded bitch strong mentally retarded No, they had a big retarded guy there and you know I'd always seen there and he had this stack of papers and he was sitting there's a windy day and a gust of wind papers He's like, oh, no I felt bad and so I'm like running around trying to pick up all these fucking papers with like the breeze going by and then like I've got them

I'm like helping about to get like a stack of my look down and it's he's just printed off a list of every Pokemon I thought it was like work or something Not anything Yeah, I was going through the options There's no information about them. Yeah, it's just the names. Yeah that rules. No pictures. No pictures This is the list of names. Is it alphabetical? Oh, I don't remember. I don't know I don't think well, there was a song the Pokemon list is an alphabet. You're right It's in order. They wasn't there a song in the Pokemon show where they'd sing the names of all the Pokemon

I don't think so. No, not the theme song. No, the theme song is you're gonna be the very best. Take the time to learn the test and then you will become a Pokemon. That is you and now you're a Pokemon You weren't wanting now you are a Pokemon That's exactly how the theme song goes. Oh, yeah, what's up with Misty though? Mm-hmm fucking Pokemon the most misty. There's misty. There's nurse joy. There's the rocket lady. I didn't really There's joy did the fucking nurse dude. Come on. I don't remember who's that misty was a child Wasn't she was not a fucking child Adams in the children. I can't wait until Adam goes down like Anthony Weiner What are you talking? That's gonna happen

Adam's gonna be sexing with some fucking 15 year-old Adam's also there's also been a picture of Adam hard in a bed with Anthony Weiner's son Yeah, that was consensual Anthony said it good Tony. I hate it had to be you He ruined the whole world man. Yeah, you've been trying to get that bit going for a while No, we didn't do too hot at the show last night. It's okay Not too hot. All right. Yeah, I wouldn't ruin the world There's a nice little deliver that weird inflection you chose to do on that bit. Oh, that's cool He didn't really ruin the road. I think that's a pretty big stretch. You know, well the Comey letter was because of him

Yeah, but Comey Comey reopening the investigation 10 days before my man. My man wanted to do some dirt, dude I don't know what James was up to but He was a wiener would have been something else. No, they call me made it clear It was super close. He didn't recommend charges That he felt that Hillary Clinton should lose the election But shouldn't face charges and that's like he more or less said that when he said if this had been someone in my Organization, I would not recommend charges, but they would lose their job and the job being President of the United States. Comey, dude. Fuck that tall bitch. He like spelled it out. Yeah. I don't remember. I wasn't paying too much attention to the news

Yeah, I'm not one of those fucking reading fucking bitches. I'm like somebody We just said you read all the Harry Potter books. Yeah, yeah, it's weak stuff about that's like thousands of pages cool stuff about wizards and magic not fucking nerd shit like The fantasy for you is that a broom could fit in between your legs Here's your fat thighs Impossible there's no there's never been any air travel if it's from your knees up. I have a thigh gap, dude They don't I have that sexy ass BBW thigh gap that

Ashley Graham shit she is like up. Oh on the show on the show a couple weeks ago. Yes, I said that test holiday No, and I'm confused again London Andrews. I said London and Alexis Texas was unattractive. Yeah, she's not a shit That's holiday. Oh, I don't know. That's holiday. It London and holiday I confused for some reason because they go on vacation isn't mm-hmm. That's great. Why don't we say that? That's holiday. Go on holiday on a holiday. That's cool Go to the bank. I say I'm on Jewish holiday. Yeah, it's a rush of Sean every time I deposit a check Was that atonement which is what rush rush is young keep on young keep on yeah, young

young I love it since so long we're skinners just on the phone He's like well, I understand the child's parents are angry super intended, but I mean come on It sounded so made up yom kapoor That is really fucking good. Yeah penis man How about that one? Yeah penis mon. You've got a stick your dick inside of your own dad Get your dad's dick card and then suck him on Pokemon it's a show about fucking your dad

I know you think it's about animals. You fuck you. There's a bunch of subliminal messages They tell you to fuck Then you fuck the theme song the theme song is pretty explicit You are supposed to fuck your dad after watching the show Oh fuck yeah, dude. Oh, yeah, let's get back good at singing you are man. Yeah, that was the high notes. Thanks Let's get back to who you would fucking Pokemon. So misty Charizard. There's your Charizard He'd burn your dick off. He'd burn your eye clean off. I want a lava bidet and I want to fuck Charizard I would fuck a foil Charizard

Japanese yeah, no, you know you fuck. Oh, yeah, the fucking the holographic holographic Titted blackface. Yes Were there any other pokemons with tits? Hmm, I don't know Dude later good to fuck some of the later Pokemon. There's one. There's one now. There's just a set of Norlax while he's passed out. Oh Whoa, yeah, Snorlax got Spanish flag. How about Horlax Horlax? How about she was asking for

Yep, Horlax Wasn't that Cosby thing also that he'd make them take a shower? He liked wet hair. How dare he that is the worst part of what he did. You're right. It's not the worst part But it's a really strange detail Yeah, I mean yeah, you don't think rapists are like big on hygiene. I guess It's not even hygiene. It's just wet hair. It's like a wet hair fetish. Do you like wet? I'll take some wet hair I like a fresh I'm not look of all the things to disagree with Cosby on

Fucking someone with wet hair with wet hair. I would love to be groomed like an emperor every day Yeah, I don't know how much that costs. I want silk sheets and I want to be groomed every day. Damn, dude Yeah, that'd be awesome every day somebody just fucking think you're at a hotel That's what I'm trying to live like dude would be awesome. I stayed in a hotel. I didn't even stay in a hotel. I stayed in like A quarters like off base. Well, not it was on a military base, but like just where they quarter you if you You know are coming in from a different base or whatever for the wedding or whatever. Yeah from my cousin's wedding and It's like man. Fuck I like I have the money to buy a bed now. Yeah, I'd be living like shit You need a fucking you need a servant, dude. I do I need a slave

I'll save the money by just getting a slave Which I found out is okay as long as they're from the Philippines, you know, yeah, yeah Yeah, well, it's okay, but you have to write a think piece about how you do Want to do that 20 years after yeah? Man, I just can't stand how white people don't get like culture. It's different. It's about the culture you want to compare slavery to Imprisoning someone in your house and making them work for no money for their entire lives Like there's any comparison between the two. Nope. Yeah, actually what happens to black people Yeah, there's a small you know word for slave is actually it's similar to grandma happy friend

Yeah, it's okay, and there's certainly no word in English definitely not Mammy that's even close So a similar concept doesn't exist in English god I love that shit. I didn't even bother to read that shit because I don't give a fuck at all I you know, that's the those are the kinds of moments where I just have like the biggest shit eating Culture that tries to excuse everything Nicole Mullen IRL just a deep sigh and then like saying the horrible shit you did they're like, but I feel okay about it So it's fine. It's not white people. It's not a holocaust white people. Yeah, why can't you understand that when we take out all of the The lesser race Filipinos in the woods and cut off their heads with machetes

it's because of The holiday It's a beautiful holiday we're having Yep, I don't know something like that's how that's the original recipe for yeah, you know, what's a Filipino food? Well, it's just like that lumpia lumpia. Yeah, it's like the Filipino food is popping There was a shooting in a church in Nashville this week. Yeah, that's southern culture heritage. Well, it was it was Sudanese guy. Yeah, well, I thought Trump would tweet about it, but he just stayed going on with the fucking NFL NFL shit, which is like Trump. That was a golden opportunity for you

I know it was a Sudanese guy that shot up like a church or whatever Fox was like the only people covering it New York Times covered it But like wasn't linking to it anywhere on their page. Mm-hmm their front page And then in the related stories, it was all just Dylan roof stuff. Mm-hmm because it was like church It's in the travel ban Yeah, but he came like 30 years ago I know he did. Yeah. Yeah, so what happened, but a Sudanese guy shot up a church He shot up a church and he's probably just crazy based on his Facebook post. Oh, what was he a lot of Rick and Morty stuff?

Yeah, he was all he shouted I'm pickle ring Man Rick and Morty is funny, but I really don't like people that like it rules. It fucking rules. Yeah, the show is incredible Yeah, amazing. Yeah, it sucks dick Dan Harmon's a lot of bacon guys Right are now, you know what I mean like a lot of bacon guys are now Rick and Morty guys Yeah, of course chive chive guys are guys. Yeah, unfortunately a lot of for the wind guys. Oh, yes, brother Yeah, well anything good is immediately ruined by people that suck. Yeah, well fans of any America slavery There were a couple of good there were early on

Some of those guys wait who are you mean the slaves or the slave owners? Yeah Eugene Eustace Sims the third. He was a good guy. Yeah, early 1800s. He was a lot of pretty cool stuff I like the early stuff. Yeah, they're like early era You know before God bad, yeah, where they're you know making like dogs and stuff That's when I had more of like sort of like a commune feel. Yeah, you know, yeah I love it was one of my favorite takes where it's like look they had a place to stay they preferred being out

They got a lot of vitamin D Jesus fucking Christ that's still happening. You're still making that argument Well, my favorite is the argument where it's like well it's a lot better than the jungles of Africa and it's like This is your mental image of Africa is like a 20 20 square foot area filled with snakes Which like there are parts of the world like that yeah people that live there But the people that live there are all like four foot seven and they do nothing But like wait till they turn 12 so they can go through a ritual where they shove ants down their dick hole

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then like you wouldn't want those people as slaves They have those cool because they would just be shoving ants in their dick all day and not doing it We're strong. They have this cool like Lego man haircuts though. Yeah, they're all like I think they're like Chinese almost hair, but it's yeah, yeah, you know Bob. I think they're Give each other bull cuts and put bullet ants in there There's something like less than 10 tribes that have have absolutely no contact with the outside world and still have had no Contact with the outside world, and they're all in like the Amazon Congo. Yeah, yeah simple dude. Just yeah You should go try number one Brooklyn hipster. Oh

Fuck yeah, you want to talk about being out of touch. Yeah, everyone who lives in Brooklyn except me I'm me. I'm different. I'm yeah, I'm the cool guy with a podcast Even though we embody Every horrible stereotype a guy from Brooklyn that is a professional podcast on paper that's like vomit and yeah, yeah, no no no not from Brooklyn exactly not from is a guy Literally on a way to get 20 something. Yeah. Yeah, we're gonna get a massage We're gonna get a track bike. We're going bicycle and fucking essential oil diffuser

Fucking suck dick dude. I mean your bicycle shopping. I'm going to get rubbed down by a Chinese man You know I was intimidated by going to Chinatown to get a massage because I didn't want it to turn into a jack-off thing Mm-hmm, but you can just go have a man do it Yeah, and the man jacks you off and it's not they've got stronger hands. It's a better massage It feels yeah, they know the way around a cock because they have their yeah, yeah, yeah, they know what guys like Yeah, they know guys like yeah, yeah, they're hand their forearms are strong from driving that big wheel in the bus moonlight is a Fung law driver. I remember one time in high school. Me and my friends were like out in the desert kissing smoking

We know my friend my friend. Oh, that's what you guys call it smoking weed. Yeah, shut the fuck up Okay, my friend my friend you put a blunt in your ass. Yeah We're gonna pass around Ben's J His giant dick We're all gonna smoke an L a long Smoothie Anyway, so you guys are having gay child sex. That's not funny anymore

So there's five children sucking each other's cocks in the deserts of Las Vegas No, sorry, dude, I'm not gonna. This is what you get for saying shut up. I never said shut up. You just said shut up You say shut up becomes twice do you get twice the the tip of the spear Oh, I got a tip of the spear for you pal. Do you? Oh, yeah, wait a minute. You have a sharp dick Kind of that's good. I have kind of a try it because it pulls back because the foreskin pulls back It's I got a question you get shit after sex stuck in in that thing. No, you you rinse it out sometime I mean, maybe you gotta fold it back and rinse it out. Mm-hmm You get period stuff stuck in there ever you what do you use like a q-tip and go around there?

Yeah, how do you clean that? How do I clean it? Yeah, you guys want foreskin cleaning tips? Yeah? I'm interested. I'm just a nice warm washcloth. You know fucking a hotel towel. Is that where you're saying a washcloth? Oh, you know what I would like to get my sack cinched up, you know Mm-hmm smaller have a permanently tight sack Like it's cold all day. She'll have that thing about getting Botox and getting smooth balls and then putting a smiley face Just pretty good. Yeah, but you're talking smaller. You just want it small and yeah It's nice small tight and tight like look. Yeah, so it looks like my balls are fucking ripped Yeah, oh, you want to draw little abs on your balls? I want abs on the bottom of my dick

Yeah, I know exactly what I mean regular abs continue all the way down So I just look like an alligator whoa cool, and you have a bumpy little ridge dick for her pleasure Yeah, well for my pleasure to look at Would you beat off to your own dick if it had abs? How do you do that you would look at it while beating off you'd just be like nice Oh, I already do that nice You already look at your own dick. Of course. Is that what the bodybuilding things about is that everybody does that? No, I do you look at porn to just get hard and then you look in the mirror

Yeah, the point is to get you started. It's a it's a it's a catalyst Yeah, and once you're American psycho and then you sync up with all the sex scenes and flex in the mirror and look at yourself And then look back at Christian Bale That shit is so funny when he's doing the doggie style flex thing into camera. Oh my god It's hilarious me. It's a good movie. Have you ever filmed a sex? That's sex. No, have you ever filmed the sex? That's a funny way to say that. Yeah, dude The sex that's the sex. That's hilarious. Remember when we were saying the sex. Oh That's just the sex. Yeah, that shit sucked wait people were saying like yeah, that's the sex. Yeah, like saying it was cool

Like the shit. Yeah, it was horrible. That's the sex. That's the set. You know what? I'm gonna start saying it What is that like a reddit thing? I don't know. It's like a nerd thing. No, it's a black guy thing It's a black. I think you think I wouldn't say it's a back for it. Yeah, I don't even start saying tremendous respect I don't think it was a black. I think it was the sex. That's only who I heard say it. Hmm. Was it a DC thing? It was not a Baltimore thing. It was I it was more like I always associated kind of with like online nerds actually Sounds pretty nerdy. Yeah, I remember distinctly only hearing black. I say interesting. Yeah, well pound off in the comments guys Let us know who invented. That's the sex. I'm sure personally. I'm sure it was black people I'm sure that it was taken from that. It was appropriated. Yep, which I can't stand

I don't like your negative You know, I don't know about your sarcastic tone about when you say stuff like that because the truth is that yes A lot of culture has been appropriated from African-Americans. I think plenty Mm-hmm. Well, check your tone, man I just thought it was like a really fucked up joke that I feel like I can't even say on the pie. Wow That's gonna be pretty bad saving for after. All right, cool. It's a good one though. I believe it. I see the smile Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got the same smile when you say slur I'm guessing

No, it's actually no slurring. Oh interesting. It's an extremely offensive. Your mind makes you do the slurring. Yeah Now your mind doesn't make you do it's a really bad it's on the par with the pounded warrior thing Ah, yes months to build up the courage this day Fuck dude, you see Trump tweeting about Pat Tillman the other day. Yeah, which is like he got killed I should just not acknowledge like the president should never talk about Pat Tillman. Yeah, he was killed by Or his own guys. Yeah, he got got friendly fire It was a guy like you was a fucking hero Yeah, it was it was like a sort of an Adam character. You know you're like, you know the

Uh, Percy in the green mile. Yeah, the guy that just really wants to execute somebody, but yeah You're like that guy, you know, you're like this from battlefield earth that guy, dude I love battlefield earth. I tried there. You know, I would love to watch. I try. Oh, we should do that We'll go by the bicycle Come back here many activities. It's bicycle shopping day. You're going on a date battlefield earth What's with these like fucking noon dates you go on that's not he's going on a nighttime day. He already said he was What what time what time are you going on? I got a fucking dude. We got what do you want my whole schedule? I don't know what time it is

But I'm not coming back to watch battlefield earth, I gotta clean my room I mean battlefield earth is it the last time I watched it. I was drinking which was you know, it's perfect I did a drinking game where you take a shot every time John's revolta fakes laughs. So You're drunk. You're drunk. I mean three minutes. I want to see that so bad. You've never seen it Well, I'm gonna fucking pull it up special. Yeah, I used to actually when I was like 12 I used to rent that movie all the time Yeah, how the blast you know about that man animal. That's a line in that man animal How the they call the humans man animals how the blast do you know about that man?

Oh, yes, and then the aliens are just people with dreadlocks and the idea is that Scientology starting very pepper in a starring very pepper. That's which is like no very pepper is not Percy Who's Percy in the green mile some that's what I was a little sniveling weasel very pepper maybe in the green mile But it's one of the other Name very pepper such a good name. No, it's a sickness. Yeah, David Morse is one of the guards Michael Clark Duncan Michael Clark don't you say I'm like Michael Clark Duncan. No from the green mile No, I'm magic. I'm huge kills Michael whole king Don't know you're a bitch. You're like Iago the parrot, but with the personality of Iago from Shakespeare

I saw Sam Rockwell in the East Village about a year ago and I followed him for a couple blocks. That's cool He's probably really happy to that you did that. Yeah, I got a real close and I breathed heavy on the back of his neck And you were like a fucking love. This isn't illegal. I love Chuck. I loved your two second scene in the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie My favorite, Casey my favorite work is who's the hockey mask guy in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. No That guy's got a weird name. Yeah, it's Casey Jones is a character and he's played by Casey Kasem Fuck Elias Codius Codius who sounds like a Greek man. Yeah, he's I think he's Greek Elia Elia Kazan

Yeah, the snitch Codius or something like that or what this guy Elia Kazan like a film He's a director. He like ratted on all these communists. Oh, was he Greek piece of shit? Yeah, I think he was Oh, yeah, classic. Yeah. Now. He's the reason that like Hollywood had like a boy Jesus Christ his daughter's an actress now Zoe Kazan. She's like a really annoying Hillary person Oh, yeah, show your sister. She's worse than her dad. No Sam Rockwell Sam Rockwell is in the in the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. How the fuck does that as as just like fuck he was Greek Elia Kazan. God damn it. Hell. Yeah, not us. Fuck. Not us. Not us. Not us. Oh, that's sick God damn it. Kazan Zoglu was his original name. Oh, I wonder why I changed it

God damn it to sell more jewelry because he was embarrassed. I can't decide a secret of the use better than The first one Sorcerer's stone. No, I think so. I like secret of the use got gobbled in fire What's secret? Stop making fun of HP man second? Fuck this turtle. I don't remember those at all. I remember the video game Turtles in Time for Super NES Yeah, yeah, that was fun. Yeah, that was fun game Fuck should I change my name to for Hollywood guys? Yeah, should I be Steve Halk? That'd be pretty cool. Change it to Steve Harvey Steve Halk. Why don't stop? What about this stuff?

You get a normal name and me and Adam will go Greek names. Okay. Yeah, Nikos Mullenopoulos sure yeah, and and faggot bit steleos Yeah, pusti pusti, which means faggot in Greek pusti bit steleos That was the first thing my fucking aunt's like I realized what what piece I thought all Greek people were just horrible vulgar people and then I like met George's family and they're like nice just totally polite and then I went to my home Yeah, but his dad runs a halfway house for divorced men. Yeah. Yeah, he's a men's rights activist He's a nice guy, but but I would go to my my favorite thing about George's house was hmm all the candy His dad had the he was stocked the fuck

There was so much candy in that house. Yeah, he's a sad men candy He had fucking granola bars like four different kinds of granola. We got high and I ate like 19 twix It was awesome, and then is that when we watched two straight buds? Yeah, the best video on the internet if you ever seen two straight buds. It's it's straight buds blow DP a blow up Yeah, and these guys are like it's also it's like a clear blow up doll well it starts with they each have their own blow up doll and then and then they they each share a

Traditional like yellow hard plastic blow up doll, but then when they're getting very close to coming they get a very small Clear blow up doll that they can look at each other's tiny woman Yes, and they're wearing like Lugendor masks the whole time and they're like high five They're like the title of the video is two straight DP a blow up doll Fuck that is so good. That's my favorite video. It's like a wham city video. Huh? It feels like it's been an Allen. Yeah, that would be Awesome if they did that that's pretty x-rated for them They they did this thing where they did a bunch of they showed a lot of porn on their last tour

Yeah, yeah shuts out wham city. It's that's what comedy is going to evolve into is just porn. I'm with it, dude Or it's funny porn is funny. I think it's despicable. I think they did I think they did something that was like Bald got is this bald guy like a fucking office manager or a porn star? And then they would just show his head and then sometimes it would just be a regular bald guy like sometimes would be a bald guy Getting his cock sucked pretty good bit. Yeah, I think I'm butchering it But it's something to that idea bed will tell me he'll listen to this a month later and then be like That's not what we did and then when Adam does it next month It's our live show Adam and veils his new bit

Pussy bit steal apples was it Tarnishing You want some else dude pussy. Hmm. No, I like bit steal. Yeah I Don't I'm gonna be I'm gonna be stop moosty bottom Cocklobby oh, that's too too gay. You gotta go on impulse. Yeah, you're from the hip with it was it felt beautiful Yeah, that's good. It felt at the start. I have no natural athleticism, but when it comes to having a lot feelings You just sort of have to like you are yeah, you have to glide through the world

Think about things. You're right. Yeah, it's not even the best bit. You just act Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you're a natural. Yeah roaster being mean to people is important for the soul That's right, dude. We're bullies, dude. We we bully me and Trying to be less mean to you Yeah, I'm serious. I have I feel like it hurts the quality of the show You know what you don't play along anymore now. You just get your feelings hurt and it's like well I just can't get a bit out or a story or anything Well, that's not sure we wanted you to finish that story about you and your friends were sucking each other's dicks

Yeah, well first of all not being able to finish sentence now. You know how we feel Do you know how many how many stories I leave on the shelf? I've been talking about four different You just got a flow, baby, and I'm gonna blame it. I flow too, but it's just like even flow I am gay Hell yeah, dude Jeremy deserved it Right guys, yeah Well, he's not even I mean he's kind of a dick in the song that Jeremy the perspective of the guy singing the song

Well, yeah, he got blood all over those kids at school. Well, no, I mean not Jeremy that the First person voice in the song and they're oh, I don't I don't I've never listened to song with Jeremy ever listen I mean, I've never intently listened to the lyrics. So it's obviously been on Yeah, he says, you know Like the some I forget the lines exactly, but he says that he also everyone used to bully Jeremy He bullied him too until one day Jeremy punched him. Oh Respect. Yeah, so he showed respect. No, so he was a coward that bullied Jeremy You know and then Jeremy shot himself in front of the class damn and that's based on some kid at

But Richardson High School in Texas, which is funny because it's like I Get I guess that was like a big story at the time. I think it was yeah No, I mean that's kind of only killed himself That whole story is kind of like a really good advertisement for teenage suicide Because like what's the one thing you want as a teen more than anything? If you're just what you maybe lose five ten pounds, you know, you're still kind of a fat girl with braces So I don't any better can fuck anybody. Why is it gonna fuck you? You know, uh-huh. You really want to get in his good graces blow your fucking brains out in front of the English class

Then maybe there'll be a song called Rachel Rachel ladies neck and class What happened, you know, and then there's also Adam song. Yeah, yeah, that's my that's my karaoke Yeah, I'm gay now No, dude, that's a different fun I remember the time I spilled the cup of other people's jokes That I was carrying around in a cup

Yeah, no, that that's I miss you I miss you Don't waste your time. Yeah I'm already Adam song is the song about a gay guy who fucks man. They killed himself Yeah, I was laughing about, you know, but it's a blink when he saw two song. It's like May have even said this on the show already, but like What's what's my age again? But the lime re goes What the hell is a DD my friends say I should act my yeah, it's just you change it to what the hell is ass burgers

My friends and it puts the whole song in a different context Which is much funnier and you know relevant. Yep. Yeah, I like to in that song He's like, you know, oh people's guys are at my age at 23 and it's like what being a famous band. Yeah I was like at 23. I was just driving drunk everywhere. Yeah 23 thems were the cheeseburger years for me, dude. Yeah, those were the fucking Couple entrees as I was already a fail 23. I was like I was like midway through puberty at that point 20 what year what year is it now 17? I'm 28. So that's five years ago. Yeah. Yeah, I was not doing shit Dude, I was doing Dave show for rooms. Yeah, it's 2012

Damn Wow, I just started comedy Obama. Wow, dude. It's almost 2020. It's fucked up. We're almost gonna We're already 30. Yeah, I'm 30. Holy shit. You're old and ugly And then you're gonna be 40 soon. Yeah, you're basically 40 Basically, that's on the wrong side of Ford life is life sucks. I know dude We're just gonna keep getting older. It just goes so fast. Yeah, that's how we love we're gonna die Bring it back to like, you know the grandpa thing. It's like that must like It must feel like you were fucking 65 like two weeks. Oh my god

And now you're just gonna be dead. Yeah, and all your friends like half your friends are just dead Dude, my grandparents my my my grandma's like life-long best friend. They went to nursing school together in the 40s Christ, that's how long ago they knew each other me and eldest baby is from fucking nursing school in the 40s No, her best nursery school nursing pre-k. Yeah, no nursing nursing Okay, gotcha and She was like they were her best friend was over at their house. Yeah, my grandma's old and she fucking She's like going upstairs to go to the bathroom and she's like I'm just gonna go up to the bathroom and like

Mrs. Reaching for the railing Just goes backwards fucking splits her head Dead cool. She's just fucking like, you know, she's in a coma for a couple of weeks The family was like mad at my grandparents, you know, cuz they were like blaming that. Yeah, I I don't know If we're leaving that banana peel It was this fucking whole thing, but she just like watched her friend die Jesus in like from like a bullshit accident. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we're like me as a resilient young man if that happened I'll be like fucking gay ass stairs. Yep. You'd feed the fuck out. Yeah, I would fucking cut family over everything

Through the stairs. Yep. Destroy them. I would bounce back before dishonor, you know But if you're old Can't bet that's it. That's why I want to die young to have the saddest funeral I just all your friends are still I want to live forever You think about that About who's gonna be like sad and who won't be sad when I died. Yeah. No, if you died it like today You know you never think about like Mmm, maybe when I was more depressed like a girl that fucked you over like if she's yeah, when I'm depressed

I feel that you think about is girls that fucked you over. I wonder Fightful shitty little person you know, I mean, it's called depression actually You're a spiteful man, I think you're a closed off emotionally closed off No, I don't I don't think about that When I think about death, I immediately try to think about something else because I'm terrified Literally every time I leverage every time I wake up from a nap I think oh one day. I'm just not gonna wake up from this damn every single fucking time. That's why every Insane every nap I take I think about one day. I'm just gonna fucking die

I haven't thought about like dying in quite some time. I think cuz I'm happier now Now I don't know how to now I feel weird because I I'm happy like I wake up Yeah, oh I get to like nothing is bad today, and it's weird and it makes me feel uncomfortable But when I'm depressed, I think about dying Constantly, you know what I didn't think about it when I was fucking drunk all the time. That's why I mean yeah, yeah I wish I could go back to that Dude, you can dude one day. Let's make a little more money. Let's get a TV show. Once I get once I get back in shape I'm gonna turn into an alcoholic personal trainer

And that's also dream the screenplay that I don't write mm-hmm. Mm-hmm alcoholic personal trainer and one of his clients is uh, I Don't know some dumb bitch. Yes, there we go. Fuck. There you were losing me, but I'm back in and he can he he He Accidentally smashes his head in between the plates on the bow flex machine. Oh my god. Oh, and he can it's not play here What women are thinking? Awesome, and it's I was thinking he could hear what the weights are saying. Yeah now he can talk

Man they could communicate with the barbell Oh That'd be a good movie. All right. Well, I guess we should wrap What about instead of what women want? It's like what women cunt and then it's just a guy that could tell which women are cunts That's good, and which aren't yeah. Yeah, I like after I saw that movie. I wanted that power so bad I was like so many girls. I was like a fat 12 year old Yeah, I was like fuck if I only knew you have the the stop time fantasy in middle school. Oh, yes. Yeah Oh, yeah, but it wasn't even to like it was to like it wasn't to like

molest it was to stop time and get a better view at like girl like To get a better mental picture to later beat off that was what a coward I was in my fucking fantasy. It wasn't to get any other exam and stop time thing in particular is such a weird That you had an ability to stop time and then you could just have sex with every girl in the classroom And then sit back in your chair and then restart time. Yeah, and then all of them are just like oh Just this something weird Happened to me and you're just sweaty and smiling. Yeah, right and fucking three weeks older somehow Yeah, that is I wonder how time would work in the stop time. Do you age? Yeah, of course you age Wow?

Yeah, deep shit. It's crazy. You know at times relative. Hmm. Like if you if you went up into space Mm-hmm, and you could like oh, is that what was Matthew McConaughey's movie was about? Yeah, that's yeah Yeah, that's what that's about Not if you went up into space and you like flew close to the speed of light You're as close as you could get or whatever and came back to earth You would age less than other people whoa. Oh, there was a movie There was like a movie where look that happens to a little kid. Do you guys remember that one? So fucking like that's that sorceress stone or no. Yeah, that was that was number five

No, there's a kitty and he's like who's president Reagan and it's like I don't know Bush or something. I don't know what the difference was yeah cool That's a cool. That's pretty good You know I can place video games in it or something. There's a hot girl There's always in 80s movies with like a child protagonist. There's always like a hot 25-year-old woman that like wanted to fuck the kid. Yeah, like blank check was like not the basis for my like sexuality yeah, like absolutely just the hot like also like babysitters and I just hoping a 25-year-old would like my 12. Yeah, 11 year old little ass dick

Fuck you would be molested I still do that's what I love when they like fucking they parade out one of those hot teachers that fucked a 12-year-old And we all have to pretend like that's a crime. I know it's It's well-tread territory, but it's fucking true. Yeah, Mary K. Leturna is hot I think it I think that the cutoff is like I don't know 14 maybe that kid that she fucked was young I think you should be able to fuck a 14-year-old boy. I think he was 13 that Samoan boy. She fuck Billy weren't they married and now they got divorced divorced. It's a big bummer. Yeah, I do love love. I thought love wins Yeah, yeah, that's that's

When I was even Anthony we're in the 15-year-old girl who was texting you're gonna get married when he Yeah, when he's like wait for me and then everyone's gonna have to apologize for judging him for Tony You think he's actually gonna do time or is he gonna have 15 minutes? What? I hope Uma has to apologize There's no like who must I got back together? Yeah, they're back together. She's gonna fucking go She's gonna like press her titties up against that glass Was a good looking lady between you know with the phone from jail. Yeah, you guys get what I'm talking about Yeah, the vider the glass way is hot, but there's no way. She's cool, right? She's like Hilary's best friend Yeah, you can't be cool. You can't possibly be I bet she's a freak dude. I bet that's why they got married

Oh, yeah, she eats ass. You know who ma eats ass. Oh, of course. No, who ma gives that fucking rusty trombone to Tony Who ma the used to Dom's him. That's your theory. You've told me about this. Yeah. Yeah for sure She's his Dom and he like gets off on sexual humiliation. Of course Of course interesting. Why do you think that? What do you think a guy that looks very similar to you might have those kind of proclivities? You do look a lot like Anthony Wiener I appreciate that He's fine We both have six packs and

Wrong, you don't have a six pack It's funny that you don't because you're like way nothing. Mm-hmm. I don't do core exercises I don't just have a zero muscle mass on your frame. That's not true. It's I mean it is Muscle Muscle a little muscle you're feeling the buys right now. No, that's a girl's bone. No, it's a bone from a little girl There he is Thanks, brother. Thanks, brother. She's like letting that pick up me slapping Adam's arm I'm gonna get that pump. Well, we should probably wrap this up. Yep. I think so on it

I'm trying to think if there's anything we should review or if we should say something funny before the show ends probably not I'm tired. If you're in DC. I think today No, when is this drop tomorrow? Yeah next week me and Adam are gonna be at fucking on when is next week? Yes, oh damn next Wednesday at the DC draft house. Why am I not there? I don't know Martin booked booked us. I'm headlining it Martin only booked the two of you. He wants us to do a show there later I think I didn't know Adam was gonna be on it. He told he booked. I saw Martin in LA and he asked me if I wanted to do The show he booked me and he wants us to do a show there later. So if Martin is banned from come town

He will never do this show if it's a fucking cool show We're talking about one town live Lawrence by the way Lawrence asked us to do a show in DC You see more and Lawrence you tell him get the step one So we're the DC draft house also. I'm at McGooby's joke house this weekend opening for Dom Marrera I think Timonium Timonium Maryland Maryland. So come if you want to get your titties sucked and And What else I don't know man follow my little brother on Instagram. He's a very good painter Adam's opening art by Jodzy Adam's opening for

That's good, yeah Yeah, the only thing Adam's opening My ass all yeah for a man How could you possibly see that one coming, you know, I think we're on such a similar wavelength now Chemistry we've built up over. Yeah, that's 15 months of Argentinian national team beat America because they've been playing together for so long the jenoblee team that got the gold That's what we're like boys We've been riffing together for years. All right, let's go buy this stupid fucking bicycle. Yeah, no, right, but wait not hold on

Let's go over the show last night. Okay. Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, you're gonna get what would stop look good on maybe one of those ones the big wheel in the front What is called? Nah, fuck that pay a penny penny farthing penny farthing. Yeah No, I'm gonna get a fucking little hybrid my dude. Mm-hmm. Well, it's fold up bikes. No, no, just like Surgically remove the seat from your ass I'm telling you man. There's a reason nobody your size is ever seen on a bicycle That's all because their bitch ass mother told me the doctor told you you couldn't oh, no No, oh, yeah, I was see that's a story that got left on the shelf. I rolled when I was trying to when I was trying to buy a bike

I went to a Greek bike shop. This is how fucking rude Greek people are. He just looked at me. It was like because of your weight I Suggest a mountain bike. I was like I'd like a road bike or a hybrid. He was like no he wouldn't even show me a road bike He was like you want to you should get a mountain bike. Yeah. Yeah, we were speaking in Greek, too, and he literally like tapped my stomach He was like because of your weight and then to make sure I got it He fucking hit my stomach a couple times. I'd say you should get a steel frame You shouldn't get like aluminum or an alloy frame because those first of all I I'm way like way less than you, but I prefer a steel frame

They'd like bikes get beat up in New York City a media steel frame. Yeah, I get something. That's like that's like Yeah, I do they could take a licking. I just oh, I know I know a little something to take a licking pal women's pussy Shots out to the women out there. They want to get there. They pee eating Yeah, I don't know. I'm gonna get a fucking bike. I'm gonna be cruising. I'm gonna be like I said next summer. You're gonna see me no titties Big arms big legs. I'm gonna be fucking get my cock rubbed left. Wow So breaking news Saudi Arabia is going to allow women to drive. Well, that's a fucking we did it come down once again

Once again real results in the real world from that Twitter poll I did said should women be allowed to drive And the imams saw it. Yeah Step one get those Saudi women driving step to nipple piercings. Oh, yeah, you know, we need quality Mm-hmm. Absolutely with them behind the wheel and pierced up pierced up get those get a fucking little get some hen a tattoo Directly on the pussy. You know I'm saying we'll ocean city magic. Yes. Yes. Yes get those girls You get a pussy's wax a little bit of have you ever seen a yet it up pussy? What in real life? No, no Adam a tattooed pussy. Yes. No neither. Bye. I'm just a couple of pierced ones, but never never a tattoo

You're sure you've seen pierced clitoris. Yeah, they don't put pierced the clitoris. They pierced the hood, right? Maybe on yours Thank you everyone. Bye