The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 72 – Cum Petty And The SHartbre-gay-kers haha

Episode Date: October 5, 2017

damn i fucking nailed the episode name this week i dont even think a description is necessary

So we're doing a hot start on this one, we're already balls deep in today's biggest news item. That's right. Tom Petty. R.I.P. R.I.P. And I'm raw. Tom Petty, you know, it's like, raw dog.

Today was, today was a shit day. There's the shooting in Vegas and you probably think that we're going to talk about that. And I will make a couple of jokes, but it's, you know, I won't politicize it personally. So I focus on the negatives happening in the world. Yeah, sure. 58 people dead, 600 people total shot. Damn. Yeah.

So many people. That's pretty bad. Why don't we focus on the good news? Tom Petty is dead, which is not, it's not bad. It's not good that he's dead, but Tom Petty is, Tom Petty is good. Tom Petty is like a good thing. So it sucks that he died, but hey, Tom Petty. That's true.

Why don't you go, go give, you know, go meet Mary Jane a listen. Yeah. I'm not actually, I'm not a Tom Petty fan really. Who are the heartbreakers? Was that Billy Joel? Was this band? Billy Joel? Yeah, I know.

Bruce Springsteen? No. Max from Conan? No. No. Roots? No. Questlove and Max Dueling, drummers.

Is that how you pronounce it? Questlove? Yeah. What the fuck? I thought it was question mark s love. Question mark. Oh, s love? Yeah.

S love? That's how I always say it. That's question mark. Tim Allen. Tim Allen's favorite. Turn Star Trek off, dude. Sucking. Is it, is it, is it distracting?

Yeah, dude. D.S. D.S.9. Yep. D.S.9. Um, the Barack Obama Star Trek. This is the one that predicted. The black man.

And they, they, they, they, you know, they thought it'd be a little bit further out. They said you, Star Trek, we're pretty optimistic, but you're, we're not going to have a black president until the year 3582. Yep. And then Hillary laws. When, when space invents a new shittier type of black people called the Klingons, then regular black people will be moved up the elevator of the. Just like the Irish.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's true. Yeah. Um, yeah. Female Klingons. They got four of us in their pussies. And they got big ass titties.

I love that. First of all, I love that. They got a little titty fucking window in the suit. You'd fuck, you'd titty fuck a Klingon woman. You were in the ridge. Easy. Easy. I would regular fuck a Klingon woman.

Yeah. The forehead is pretty ugly. Who cares? You just, you just pretend you're doing like Peace Corps work in Sri Lanka. Yep. You think I'm a hero. They have some horrible forehead rash. Yeah.

No, that's their culture. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. Um, you know what I love is remember, like, uh, aliens with like weird skin. I've beaten off to a couple of porno's with like green and blue bitches. Green specifically. Star Trek.

Remember Diora Baird? Not Baird? Remember Diora Baird? Or however the fuck you say your name. No. She's a green bitch in, uh, Star Trek, the movie with the sexy Captain Kirk, the new one, the first one. Uh, maybe.

Oh, no. But they, I want to watch it. I want to watch it. I want to watch it. Dude. She's like, she's, she's green, but she's Mexican, right? No. She's like a Colombian green.

No, no, that's, that's Zoe Saldana. Zoe Saldana. And she's a Dominican. Also, that's another perfect green, green alien I'd fuck. Yeah. You'd fuck a hot girl wearing green makeup. No, no, no. I like greens.

You like green. You're into it. I'm into it for sure. Okay, that's chill. I want to fuck Marge's dress. It's that long. Yeah. I also want to fuck Skeeter.

I want to stick, I want to stick my dick down there. Just the nose part? Yeah. I want to suck off Skeeter's nose. Yeah. I want to stick my dick down. Put it in my ass. Down the top of Marge's hair.

Oh yeah. Ooh. I had. I bet you Homer does that shit all the time. Oh yeah, for sure. But Homer, stop fucking the top of my hair. Yep. I want to get...

Marge, it's like a big tube. That's good. You know what I made? My best, my favorite Photoshop I've ever made in my life is... Nothing? Because you're bad at Photoshop? No, I'm good at Photoshop. Not your dick.

I'm really good at it. I saw, I saw your garbage Photoshop said ground floor comedy. First of all, bitch, that was, those were not labors of love. I was four. Yeah, they were literal labors. You had a, you had a job doing Photoshop. And, and you were so dedicated to that website. I didn't do what I had to do to make it, make it, make my nut in New York City.

Pretending, pretend, look, here's how you know Stav was not fucking around at that job. He didn't spend the entire time eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch in the free kitchen. I had, I had like two months of that. It was brutal on my health. If I worked there, dude, they would never have Chex Mix instead. Bro, you think those motherfuckers had Nutri-Grain bars left? Yeah. Your boy was snacking on those Apple Cinnamon's like it was shit.

I was, I was eating them like tickets. I was eating so much shit by like the fourth time I went there. And then that the black lady who worked the desk came up behind me and I'm making like Gushers cereal. Yes. You know? She's like, she's like, do you work here? Yeah.

Well, also you came every time and like sweatshorts and fucking stained t-shirts and shit. Yeah. That was because I'm a writer, because I'm a television writer. Well, at the time, you were a part-time website writer, bitch. You know what? That's what they said to Neil Armstrong when he was going around telling women he was an astronaut. Exactly.

You're just an independent contractor. Yeah. Right. Back when he was just like a jazz musician or a bicycle guy. Well, he had one of those biplanes and he kept trying to get to the moon. Yeah. You have a biplane. It's where you have sex with guys.

Sounds pretty cool. No. Do you want to have sex with women? I mean, orientally you are bi, but in practicality. Well, in the air ain't, sexuality doesn't exist in the air, my dude. That's true. That's international water. Yeah.

I just joined the Mile Gay Club. The Mile Gay Club. Holy shit, dude. The Mile Gay Club. I'm just getting my ass eaten in a hot air balloon. Yeah. Looking down over the fucking beautiful Manhattan skyline. I just like loved the idea of like police pulling you off a plane in the bathroom.

Your pants are down and there's like a bewildered looking boy in the bathroom and you're like no, no, it's a club. You don't understand. It's this club I read about. Wait, why is it a boy? Because it's a guy. Pedophilia? Yeah.

You couldn't fuck a woman in there. You just need to fuck somebody. It's not enough space. Yeah. It's just trying to get. Well, you're fine with that. Yeah, yeah. If it's a space issue, it's not pedophilia.

You just got to get that nut off. You ever get on a plane these days that still has ass trays in the seats? No. I've had that a couple of times. Southwested for a while. Yeah, dude. Old ass plane and it's like this is fucked up. You know some minor Kennedys fucking date-raped women on those kinds of planes.

Oh yeah, dude. Fucking, what's an Irish? Minor Kennedys would be the ultimate punk band. Minor Kennedys? Yeah. I just watched that documentary, The Decline of Western Civilization, have you ever seen it? I saw some of it.

It's really funny. It's about like the punk scene in LA. The original like hardcore punk scene in LA or whatever, but they're all just fucking morons. Yeah, it's so early. Yeah, you know, it's like the music like when it goes fast, like what, Rancid? Yeah. X is okay.

A minor thread I still like. I've never heard of it. It was minor thread before Henry Rawlins joined. No, punk rock sucks, dick. Henry Rawlins is a big dumb ass, too. The good music is like fucking... Fucking Avenged Sevenfold. Yeah, Avenged Sevenfold, Atrey You.

Atrey You. Nothing Face. Hatebreed. CK, CKY. Oh, CKY is my favorite band. Slipknot. My favorite song is that song where they, where it's like He-Man or something. Do you remember that?

What's that? CKY did like a He-Man song. Weeman? He-Man. No, I only, I only remember this. One of the Skeletor. I just remember the skate video. Yeah, the 99, 99 little thing, whatever that fucking, they're big songless.

I don't remember, dude. They've sucked a dick, I fucking ate my dad's ass, I'm fucking ate it, I sucked a dick. That's the song. I don't remember. I was doing it, so you don't have to. I don't remember it. It was from the video, dude. What video?

If it wasn't for CK, Y2K, me and my friends would not have gotten into shopping carts and thrown each other into walls and tried to make check. Adam originally got in the shopping cart because he loved deals. Yeah, it's true. It's a free shopping cart. It was the idea of deals going in there. Guys, you gotta be nice to me. I love shopping.

I love shopping. My hometown. Oh, that's true. My city is England. My beautiful hometown. Las Vegas, Nevada. Nick Crompton, my city is England. I got real into this Instagram star called Nick Crompton.

He's this fat British man. Hell yeah. With like, tin-tin hair. Oh, nice. With like, you know, he looks like a little short blonde shit. Like, he looks like a fucking heroin addict but still fat version of Adam Conover from Adam Runes, everything. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. By the way, that guy already looks like shit. He looks bad. Yeah. They dress him up. He's got nice hair on that man. I hope the final episode of that show is him catching his reflection while he's making some fucking snide point and then he just breaks down.

Actually, the Nielsen ratings are complete bullshit because, is that what I look like? Get that fat only guy out of my eye. What's that bloated lesbian scolding me for? It's just, his show is just mythbusters. Yeah. Adam Runes, everything. Adam Runes is my freaking bone over here. I watch TV with an erection at all times.

I just scroll through the channels, huge odd on, and then I see this guy completely killed my boner. That's my favorite comment. The guy whose default penis position is completely hard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This fugly bitch killed my boner.

It's weird when sports fans talk about like, they're like, when I saw that perfect completion from Derek Carr to, yeah. I got, I got fully erect, bro. I don't know, I think it's cool. They're like, yeah, I blasted my pants, man. Sometimes you can, you can get sexual energy from something that's beautiful. There's beauty in everything, Adam. I don't know, I wouldn't get a boner from it.

I like sports a lot, but. You know, the way that pass was completed, I just immediately got an erection. There was a, 98 Rock, one of the funniest things they ever did was, they had like a gay announcer. Yeah. That sounds like classic. Hilarious radio where they were like, just a bit outside and I can see his penis, something like that.

You know, it's pretty good. Who's, who's bit was it? Who was it? It was like interstitial, like commercial. I don't know who was doing it. Maybe it was Schlegel. I don't remember though. That's not, maybe Justin did that.

It sounds like Justin. Justin Schlegel. Yeah. I'll fuck with the boys. Does he still have a show on that? Yeah. They do the morning show. Yeah.

Yeah. Good fuck. I was going to hang out. But I had to go to a damn funeral and I wasn't down to just party. But I was in Baltimore, good ol' McGooby's joke house. Worked with Dom Marere. That guy's fucking funny as shit dude. He's really bitter, right?

No, he's not bitter. Isn't that his thing? No. He's just a good comic who's old. Maybe I heard him on Mark Marin or something. I mean, he's a legend. He's funny as shit. He's a legend.

You're fucking, you're bitter like me. Why you fuck? I'm mad. You're mad. We're fucking mad together. He's like fresh, fresh. Yeah, he's a great comic. He's got incredible jokes.

I remember his half hour. I fucking used to watch it all the time when I was little. He had like an Italian restaurant background. It was when the half hour sets were very like intricate. Yeah. A year. Yeah. Shouts out to Dom Marere.

Yeah. Now it's like just your initials. Your name. Yeah. It's in like fucking balloon word art. Yeah. Like in the. Yeah.

What's the thing is like as time goes on, people just get worse at things. Interesting. Like, I mean, I don't feel like I've gotten any better, but I see my colleagues getting half hours and it's like, you don't deserve it. None of us deserve this. You have. First of all, you have gotten better. No, I haven't.

I've gotten worse. I think you have. You're still good. I think you have. The point is, whatever you think, what you think is like worse. You just get used to that level and you think it sucks. I'm trying to take things away from other people is what I'm trying to do. But right.

I get, I understand that. No one who got the half hour in the last, I'd say, 10 years deserve it. Anthony DeVito watches half hour. So he did deserve it. I'm friends with Anthony. Anthony is a very funny guy in a great comic, but doesn't deserve it. Take that shit away from him, dude. Hit the mics.

You know? Give it another 10, 15 years. How about, you know, here's my dream casting for this year's half hour. Slot one, Bill Burr. Slot two, Bill Burr. Slot three. Yep. Uh, that's it.

We're only doing three this year. Three? No, we're just two. Bobby Slayton. Yeah. Slayton's done. Yeah. He's done.

He's fucking done. My friends, uncle and aunt are huge Bobby Slayton fans. The people of comedy, man. Yeah. And they said it's got like he plays, they live in services, go and they said that every year they see him. They see him once a year. I saw him 10 years ago and it was fucking hilarious.

And then he opened the show I did at like Moontower a couple years ago and it was like horrific. And he's like, what is it, what do we got a chink here, what are you a fucking chink? The woman's like, stop. Wait, what were you telling me that story where he walked someone and then he walked a Chinese lady. This is so fun. At a different show.

This is a great story. The whole time he's haranguing her. He's like, what are you, Mandarin, Cantonese, Mandarin, you know, he's like making fun of her. And he's like, I can't tell if you're asleep or just Asian, you know, he's like, you fuck him with her. And eventually she's like, she storms out and her fucking boyfriend has to like look quietly leave slaying saying nothing during this like dramatic exit, right destroys the

energy. So like 15 seconds where like flipping them off and he's just, you know, look kind of shrugging his shoulders and then they leave. And he picks up her chair and he sniffs the seat and he's like, yeah, this can't be. I mean, that's funny as shit. They get you a pass for life as far as I'm concerned. Come on, dude. That's beautiful.

I like this. My favorite is like how all those, those old guys are like hardcore Zionists too. Are they? Yeah, kind of. A lot of them are. Yeah. Jerry Lewis was the old, the old Jerry Lewis was fucking, I mean, older, older, like all the old Jews are old, edgy Jews are always like, you say whatever the fuck you want,

you know, dude, you know, it's all, but if you offended as your fucking problem slayens on you. But the Holocaust. Yeah, he is. Yeah. Yes. He is Italian or something. Yes.

Well, I guess slayens a stage name. It's a stage name. Yeah. It's Moskowitz. Yeah. It's a slaybird. They're all Zionists. Yeah.

Fucking what? Pretty much. Yeah. Who's the redhead? But that's not really. I mean, that's just like, that's how people were raised until like literally 10 years ago. Yeah.

If you were like a Jew in America, you were probably told that, you know, Israel could do no wrong. Jackie Green did a great bit about how the massacre at Sobren Shatila was great. He's really proud. Jackie Greenberg. Huh? Jackie Green. Dude.

I do. I mean, everyone says that guy was like incredible and I've never, everyone says he was the guy. Yeah. I've never even heard. I think it was just like a crowd like a crowd work energy guy. I think that was his deal and he just would perform all the time. I don't know.

I, uh, he was like Catskills cat, right? No Vegas. I think like a casino guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He started, I don't know. Yeah.

I want to, I'm, if anyone has a recording of Shacky. I'm really embarrassed. No, I'm very embarrassed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was awful. Yeah.

Can we edit that? Edit what? When I said he was a cat. He called him a Catskills cat. I referred to an old person as a cat. Uh, no, we're leaving that in there. Okay. All right.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm never editing shit out. In fact, the name of the episode is Adam's cool new slang. That's it. That's a Marin thing. Marin calls people cat. Yeah.

So who are these fucking cats? Who are these? What is it? A cat? I know. Did I rescue them? Right guys? Did I do cat?

There it is. Yeah. Nice. You bet the ball around a little bit and then you fucking hit it with a slam dunk. Hell yeah, dude. Oh, fuck dude. I'm hungry as shit. I biked over here.

I'm a damn bike boy now, man. Yeah. I love biking. Me and Stop got bikes. Yeah. We should go on a ride tomorrow. Let's do it. Just me and you.

Well, tomorrow I'm biking to therapy. Nice, dude. Over the Queensborough. Nice, dude. You know? Hit the upper east. I did that. I went up to Williamsburg.

Did you? And then I bought a helmet. What kind of helmet did you get? Just whatever they had at the fucking bike store. Is it cute? Yeah. It's got Hello Kitty on it. Oh, it's got all the Hamtaro characters.

How much? Oh, Hamtaro. I fuck with Hamtaro. 50 bucks. Is it one of those cool ones? You mean like the hockey style ones? No. Because there's two different.

You can get like a skateboard helmet, but skateboard. Like skateboard, yeah. Skateboard helmets are built for like hitting your head repeatedly at low impact. Right. So they're not like, bike helmets have got this. One big one. Right. They got thick, dense foam in them.

So they make like a multi sport helmet, which is like the best one to get. I mean, it still looks gay. They look enormous on your fucking head. I really don't wear a helmet enough. I have one. I have a bell. But your neck and your upper body is too weak for a helmet. It would actually be worse.

It would be worse for you if you put a helmet on. Oh no, they're incredibly light. You wouldn't be able to look forward. What Adam wears a helmet is a mirror. A mirror that's on the road. A wilting flower waving back around and fucking side to side on the bike. All right, dude. We'll have a cycling race.

Let's take it to the Peloton. Do you want to talk shit about my cycling? Yeah. Do you have a Peloton? I don't know. I'll find a Peloton. Is that a bike? It's like the track, the indoor bike track.

Oh. That's like 45 degrees. You know. Oh yeah, yeah. That's pretty cool. I like when I see that shit. We should get into that kind of thing. Track racing.

Yeah. Dude, I went up. You can't do that. You have weak legs, dude. Yeah, it doesn't matter, dude. Yes, it does. It's literally mad. I got big ass ham hocks.

No, because I'm pushing the amount of weight that I'm pushing. Yeah, you got weak legs. You can't do it. That's true. You'd be good for like, you know, like those marathons for women that had breast cancer. Yeah, Susan. You can hand out the water cups at those. Yeah.

You have that build of like the guy that discovers exercise, the woman that discovers exercise after menopause. I'm telling you, you've been on a bike one day. I've been, I smoked for 40 years and I've never felt better in my life. I've been getting it. It's really into speed walking. I'm just really into spending $80 a fucking day at Lulu Lemon on dipshit clothes to wear with my shitty friends and we walk around them all every morning and I fucking live

our vitamin supplements now. I don't even eat food anymore. I just, and you know, recently I started smoking again, but these new vegan cigarettes. Ah, fuck man. Yeah, fuck old ladies trying not to die. Fuck damn dude. I serious. If you're old, fuck your ass.

If you're an old bitch, don't listen to this show. Nick, the pit bull. This is a young, this is a young man's show. This is a young man's show, baby. We're the youth baby. Shout out to them young boys out there. We are them young boys. That hot boy.

Where's that hot boy? I've been seeing his ass around here. Where you at now? Where's that little hot boy? Where's that little sexy ass over here? I saw a woman talking like that at a diner. I fucking just, she's just a nice old black lady having a conversation with her family and I just laughed at her.

Somebody done sucked that boy's dick. Oh good lord, somebody done sucked that boy's dick. That boy went missing, somebody done sucked his dick right off. You'd know as soon as they put his name in the paper that somebody done sucked that boy's dick off. That boy only five years old getting his dick sucked off by some stranger. It's a trifling world we're living in. By the way, I had multiple football teammates in high school tell me that old ladies fucked them, old black ladies fucked them to teach them how to fuck.

I know you're less than a nine year old. Absolutely true. It is true, I don't think he was kidding dude. The kid had a fucking look of horror in his eyes. I was kind of laughing because I thought he was doing a bit. Because everyone was talking about the first time they fucked. And one kid had a fucking thousand miles. What is it, a hundred miles?

Did you just say a thousand islands? No, a thousand miles. I don't fucking, first of all, I don't even fucking like that. That doesn't matter. That is the fattest thing you've ever done. No, you just did it again. You just did it again. I said a thousand miles. You said run the date back.

I said a thousand miles. This kid's got a thousand islands stare in his eyes. This poor baby. Wait, what was the phrase? It was like the battle of Num Palm. A thousand miles stare. You said a thousand islands. I did not, bro.

You're sweating. You're sweating mayo, right? First of all, I ain't nothing wrong with mayo. Mayo is paleo. It's got to make it a good ingredient. The whole white people be like thing. Mayonnaise is legitimately very good. Stavza stuff shell shocked.

Fuck both you cock suckers. My friend, I won't say his name, but he got fucked by an old black lady. As a youth. She wrote his dick. I didn't say old. I didn't say old. You need church, boy.

You need Jesus. Give me that little dick. Now let me sit on it. You don't need it. Is that really that bad though? An old lady sitting on your penis is a nine year old? Yeah. If she can really like...

Because she's not hot? Yeah, that's true. The ultimate sexual assault. Is not being hot. Good point. You boys said it, not me. Amber, you missed a great one. Stav was trying to say

thousand yard stare. Oh, yard. He said thousand island stare. I did not, motherfucker. I did not, bitch. I did not, bitch. I did not. First of all, what even is that shit, ketchup and mayo?

That's Russian dressing. I don't fuck with it. I think thousand island has like little like... What do you call it? Yeah, fuck relish. I'm out on relish. It's hot. I think thousand island is like...

It's Russian dressing with relish in it. That's disgusting. Actually, you know what? One thing only. My very special cheese steak that I make is deer meat. Deer meat? Okay, sweet peppers,

provolone, sautéed mushrooms, thousand island dressing. In the woods outside of Philly? In the fucking woods, dude. Philadelphia woods. Have you ever hunted down a fucking deer with your bare hands? No, never. I've never done it.

Would you kill an animal? I would not. I don't think I would either, but I would love to eat a fresh ass pig. Kill an animal? Yeah, there's certain animals that are okay to kill. I think boar is probably... Maybe a boar, that would be tight. Texas will pay you to kill boars, and they're fucking vicious and ugly.

Yo, let's go to Austin. I'll kill an Austin, dude. Let's just murder police officers. Let's kill cops. That's what I'm saying. Members of Congress and cops. Badass Adam calling for violence that he would never do himself. I'm just saying it's more productive.

Yeah, you and Jake can start a punching coalition. I'm saying it's not productive to punch street Nazis. Yeah. Speaking of... I saw that there's a fat guy riding around the New York subway with a Nazi necklace on.

Yeah, I saw that. I posted it on social media, and a couple of people linked me to a New York post story, and they're like, somebody else already saw this. It's like, oh yeah, I'm sorry. I stole it. I didn't see that before the news did. Yeah.

Classic stealer. Who was that guy? Did they say anything new story? No, nobody. New York Post interviewed some guy who took a picture of him, and the guy's being a complete dork about it, where he's like, I was just so disgusted when I saw it. I mean, New Yorkers need to be

warned that this is who's out there. It's like, you have a better chance of being pushed onto the tracks of an insane person than you do seeing a Nazi's. I mean, it's not chill to have open fucking swastikas swastika guys hanging.

It's chill to have the guys being chill. I don't care. I mean, it's his first amendment right to do that, and it's my first amendment right to take pictures of him and make fun of him for being a fat piece of shit. Yeah, you did break your rule, Nick. Yeah, because he's going around with a fucking swastika. It's not because he's a Nazi.

I mean, there's a certain level you can get to. The principle typically about taking pictures of strangers shouldn't do it unless they're Nazis. You shouldn't do it, but I mean, if you're going to make a bold statement like that, it's because you want people to see it. Oh, so you're trying to help him? Yeah, he's trying to get some PR as a boy.

Also, I'll make it clear I have not criticized him in any way other than to body shame him, which is my real point of contention is that he's in bad shape. It's really funny, when you saw that, I was on the train and I saw my second homeless guy since I've moved to New York

wearing an Israel Defense Forces T-shirt. Yeah, I used to just try to swipe in my cock. Yeah. I had an IDF shirt. They used to just have him in Salvation Army. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to have a bunch of shirts that was like

shit like that, and then a lot of like the Koopa, Jefferson, Six Flags, Family Reunion. Those are awesome. Those are the best. You have a big black family reunion, you go to Six Flags, everybody gets a T-shirt.

It's got clip art of a grill, like a grill and a spatula. A tree, but then each branch is holding a basketball. Oh, some Vegas news, I texted you guys this, but yesterday before the terrible attack, my parents

were in the car on the way to Costco, my dad called me frantically, Mr. Renthal James Simpson. Are you sure it was OJ? I heard my man is still in a white, he literally has a white SUV. No, absolutely. It's a dark SUV now.

He learned his lesson. Yeah, dude. Honestly, when I woke up this morning at six and saw the New York Times alert, my first thought was like, oh god damn. Yeah, what if OJ's waited everyone up? OJ's been out for 24 hours.

No fucking NFL memorabilia of convention. Straight from the fence. Straight from the fence to the Mandalay Bay. The guys had sent him to prison, he was going to get his fucking revenge. What if Steven Padlock was set up by OJ? Dude, honestly,

I'm not like Alex Jones false, oh by the way guys, fuck. Calm down, I don't care what it is. Just settle down. I'm sort of interesting. You can say it. So,

someone, some lady, resistance grandma lady tweeted today shooting at Jason Aldean Country Concert. Hopefully it was all Trump tards that died or something. A group of

mentally retarded Trump supporters were killed today. The group, which weren't actually allowed to vote because of weird laws affecting retarded people. Arretarded people are out of it. Sometimes. It's an issue because it's the same degree

that sometimes they're allowed to give consent. Like if you're, I see why you were researching this. Terry Shibow isn't allowed to vote. If they're going to kill her, they should have let her vote. A guy with Down syndrome is allowed to vote.

Are you talking about when they do which flavor new lays you want? In 1997 when they replaced the tan M&M with the blue or the yellow one. They go to voting booths. Yeah.

Her name was pretzel or peanut butter. Take that. Yeah, BB votes. Yeah, he was a big Trump guy. He was Obama before. Oh really? Yeah. Okay guys. But now he's against Trump. I was told I can't like Trump anymore.

So here's a can crush for ISIS. No, BB. You can't like ISIS. Oopsie daisy. What's BB up to these days? Okay, I gotta go to sleep. My brain really hurts. He does that sometimes. So like signing off now.

My brain hurts. Aw, poor beef. He like, I don't know, he's just taking the bus. He lives in constant pain. He has like neurofibromatosis so his body just grows all these fucked up tumors like inside and out. Poor BB. Where does he live?

Placerville. Placerville, California. The Kings. Sacramento Kings. I saw a new bus today. He loves buses. He used to have a vine that was like him walking along the side of the road and there was a sign that

said do not enter for like a side road and he's like, oh, wow. And then he walked past it. Yeah, that's cool. That's a good video. That's a joke you would come up with, Adam. Well, I would steal it from a mentally retarded. The perfect crime.

It's a lot easier than stealing candy from them. That's actually the hardest. Some lady tweeted that hopefully all the trump cards died or something. And then like all these like MAGA, Drain the Swamp, Alex Jones, InfoWorst people were like, I cannot believe this

and they were like screen-shotting her and they were like, we're going to find out where you work. We're going to get you fired. And then so she deleted her Twitter account and then I guess someone that listens to Comtown restarted her at and like put that ugly picture of me that I post all the time.

You mean that normal picture of you? The most flattering picture you've ever seen in my life? The picture of you that looks like you normally? What you look like really right now? The normal picture of you? No, the ugly picture of you that's normal. I post a lot of intentionally.

Oh, is that it? That's all it takes is a little bit of ribbing and his insecurity shines through. Actually, I'm handsome. Actually, how dare you criticize me? Anyway, so the best you've seen your portrait, someone posted it with you.

Someone posted the greatest picture of me ever taken. And then just tweeted, listen to Comtown and then all these MAGA accounts screen-shot it and they were commenting like, I can't tell if that's a he or a she. They're like, and they're right

to say that. They're like, looks like a pedophile, some basement dwelling. Also correct. Two for two so far. I don't live in a basement. I guess what we learned today is that Trump supporters are pretty smart. Anyway, what happened? So they screen-capped it and

did it make the round? You were very excited. And then some lady in like the Midwest somewhere DMs me today and she's like, I just want you to know that your face has been circulated on Alex Jones Info Wars.

You should be ready for abuse. She's like, I don't know if this was a joke you were making or if you were trying to scare people. But like, they've targeted you. It's like, it's like fucking hashtag the resistance like 65 year old woman was like DMing me. Fuck yeah, dude.

Let's get Alex Jones on the show. I would love that. Yeah, yeah. So we share the same birthday. I also think Adam is gay. I have documents here that prove that Adam is a homosexual. I'm not fucking lying, dude.

I got to print it out right fucking now. I mean, goddamn, I don't mean to curse, but fuck. Dude, I would love that. Same birthday, Aquarius. February 11th. Alex Jones, we should have a joint birthday party. You should. That's cool.

Aquarius, what is that? It's water, dude. It's the salad dressing. Yeah, I like to get wet. I smoke sherm. More like Aquarius. We're going to take a break and then be right back. Hello, everybody. You know what time it is. It's

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Halloween to some. I'm not excited. I'm scared. Yeah, boo. I'm scared of gaining weight. You know, I mean, how much weight could you possibly gain? I could gain a lot, bro. I'm at 260 right now. I've weighed as much as 320 in my life. 320?

You're one of those bedroom guys. You weigh 60 pounds more than this. Yes, more than I am right now. First of all, I don't appreciate the way you said this. I'm going to start carrying you up and down the stairs every day and then feeding you candy. Like Paul Bunyan with his ox.

I don't want that. I remember the wrestling team in high school used to give each other piggybacks and run laps. I was so jealous. We watched the wrestling team and said I wish somebody would handle me like that. I wish I could be wrestled with. No, I thought that that was weird.

And they're like, sorry, the seventh grade girls wrestling team doesn't have any more spots. I'm sorry, the JV dick-sucking girls dick-sucking team. It's not even wrestling. It's sucking tapes. Different sport. You were on the special education

attache schools, girls, infants, dick-sucking. I was varsity. They put a very tiny little dick on a tee, on a tee ball tee. And then you walk up and they have to hold your shoulders

because your stupid bobbly head can carry its own weight. And then they go, there you go, good eye, good eye. And then you just limply place your head on the tiny dick. I was varsity MMA, dude. I was too good for the high school. Varsity karate.

I was too good for high school. They had me go into prisons because I was too powerful. Bro, you're looking at varsity damn football? You're the guy they send into a prison during a riot. The prison is riding and they said, we demand

the most satisfactory, delicious rape. Well, no. They sent me in. They sent me in. This ass is like a fucking memory foam pillow. No, no, no, no, no. It just sink right into it, like a beauty rest.

When there are race riots at the prison, they send me in. They're like, damn, I think my sleep number is Jewish. Let me finish. They need someone that the nation of Islam, the Aryan brotherhood, that the Latin kings will all equally

hate the same amount to bring peace to the prisons. And that has forged the nice fun rifts we were about to do for that one. Go ahead of the momentum going. Do your rifts. It's over now. I was going to say they dangle you down like with a pulley. And a fucking crowded thing.

I felt like we were going somewhere with this mattress. What about the mattress? Sleep number bed is Jewish. I was going to say something about fucking number. It doesn't matter anymore, man. Prism of all, you're not supposed to get in. I was trying to I was trying to make fun of you.

I was trying to make fun of me with you so I could feel part of it. I'm sorry. I get really bored of making fun of you all the time. Yeah. And then something like this happens. It's just it's just such an easy street to walk down.

No, it's fine. I feel like, you know, it's like in my old drinking days when I'm like, I got to stop drinking and then I have one beer and I'm like, no. I got to stop drinking and then I start driving. I'm like, all right. This is why. And then you're like, let me check the mail real quick.

The mailbox that you just fucking ran into. Yeah. Sitting in your passenger seat. Good, dude. Yeah, just like that. How many mailboxes did you take down? Would you say mailboxes? None really. The only the only things I ever really hit

fruit carts were very, very countless fruit carts. I would clip so many fucking movies, but you know what? I would do that shit sober all the time too. Okay. And when I did it, when I did it drunk, I would feel terrible about it and then when I did it sober, it's like, fuck

you asshole. You live in a city. Yeah. It's cost to a business. Fold your window. C.O.B., my bitch. Fold your mirror in. When we were truck boys. I'm busy driving. That's right. Don't say that. I got to go to an open mic. I got to go to an open mic in pajamas. That was the area

that you were in, right? Yeah. No, I mean, I continued wearing pajama pants for a long time. You know Adam Sokol? You know Adam Sokol and Nate Fritz? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Detroit guys, yeah. So when I moved to New York, I met them years ago in

Detroit for a festival. Oh, yes. The one where you met at the comedy castle? The one where you met fucking What's His Face from Full House. Dave Cool. Yes, yes, yes. So I met them like probably now, like eight years ago. Wow. Yeah, fuck, yeah. Like 2009, so. And they were pajama pants guys?

No, I was. And I was fucking loaded that whole week. And Adam one time was like, hey, whatever whatever happened to that friend of yours that drunk guy with the pajama pants? I was like, that was me.

He was like, no. There was like another guy that was real fucked up. He just didn't realize that I was like, I was the same guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I met me one night at an open mic when I was wearing pajama pants and that's a compliment.

And then he saw me again, like at the club when I was sober, like just doing a normal. Right, right, right. That means you've grown. You should celebrate that. I'm not celebrating anything. See, that's the thing is I'm celebrating. You and your people that got too many goddamn holidays. What did you atone for?

What did I atone for? I atone for stealing that joke of Wayne cities. That's good. I asked God for forgiveness. What was that, Yom Kippur? Yeah, Yom Kippur. I didn't fast. Yeah, when Adam does, it's more like

bomb Kippur. There you go. You had a terrible set of funny moms. No, I didn't. That's why we stopped recording them. Why don't we keep recording them? You want to know the real reason? Yes, and I guess I probably should

say it to people because they I feel like some of the premium subscribers may feel like they got cheated because I stopped releasing them, but the acoustics were kind of fucked up on some of them and it would sound like comics were bombing. Sometimes people just genuinely didn't have

the best set that they could have. I always did it where anyone could ask me to pull their set and I would. But I talked to Lewis about it, or a couple of other people, and the input was generally like you don't want to put people in a position where they have to ask. We should just do the beginning then.

Also, you don't want to do the thing where it's like somebody thinks they did well and you just edit out their set and they're like what was that for and you're like oh you sucked at comedy. So it's like... No, but I'm saying why don't we just do the beginning riff? Oh, alright, I guess we could do that.

Because a lot of times I repeat jokes from the previous show. Who cares? That's my issue is that it just sucks that we have to have new material every two weeks. Yeah, welcome to being a comic. It's fun. That's not being a comic. Yeah, it is dude. To have new ten minutes every two weeks around. I used to do a new

five minutes every fucking week at the sidebar open mic. That's a lot dude. That's a lot dude. And I was murdering. I was crushing. You were doing well. Oh great. Yeah, half the time you were doing well. I used the power of booze. Every time you were drunk as shit. I had no idea what was going on.

Let's be honest guys. A new ten minutes every two weeks is a lot. Of course, but you can have fun. It's not for me. Granted, I haven't written a new joke in two years. You haven't done stand-up in fucking six months, dude. You had a nice set. I did a good set. I covered all the topical stories you did

except I actually did bits about them. I didn't say it just going, uh, Trump. Oh shit the fuck I like that. Don't disparage me. Don't disparage mine. Don't disparage the act. Don't disparage the act. Some things are sacred. It's just the act. Yeah. I wish I had

a sacred talisman. You know, like some old little Chinese piece of wood that I wore around my neck. You could get one. People ask me about it. I'm like, yeah, it's an ancient Chinese thing, so don't fucking. It's glowing. Maybe like, you know,

it's got a little shape on it. Maybe like two S's interlocking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can just wear it around the train. You know, that would be cool. There's four other guys with the same necklace. You put them together. You guys get superpowers and shit. I've heard an article about that guy and they didn't.

Nobody asked him because I guarantee you, if you talk to that guy, you're like, why are you wearing a swastika? He's like, oh, mama, wait, ice cream place. Mama, mama, mama, mama, give me my gold ice cream place. Just some fucking to say it's fucking New York.

It's filled with insane people. You're right. I really doubt that that's like an actual Nazi. I don't know man, it could be. I mean, that was the weird thing about that. About that document, that punk rock documentary was that like, it was some of them were not rock got queer. So like, they were like,

I got raped at an ice cream place. Secret Eddie gave me this necklace. Secret Eddie. Secret Eddie told me, don't tell anybody about getting raped at an ice cream place. That me raping you is all secret. Wink.

And if you're mad about the horrific bit that we just did. Remember, it's about a Nazi. Yeah, you can say it. If it's a retarded Nazi, you can make fun of them.

He deserves to be punched. Who said the audience say, he just talks funny. We didn't say, you know, he's just wacky. He's a wacky Nazi who got raped at an ice cream parlor. My point there was that he's the guy with the silly voice that loves ice cream.

Oh, sorry. And earlier also, when we did another thing that I don't remember exactly what it was, they had silly voices. I think stealing candy from them. Guys, we're going to have a little poll here. What's more embarrassing? A little poll.

Why are we talking about Adam's dick? Yeah. Thousand Island stare or Adam calling people cats sincerely. It was accidental. Accidental, but sincere. I called Sheki Karina a cat.

A cat skills cat. That's really embarrassing. It wasn't even... That wasn't slang then. It was 20 years after people were doing it. Yeah, this was like three cat slang. Stav does comedy at the fat skills. There we go.

Thanks, I do have skills. Yeah. Cutting the buffet line. That's one of the fat skills. Having a knack for knowing when they're going to do the fresh general sales. Yeah, yeah. Stop, stop, stop.

There's a borscht belt comic. He goes up there and he's like, borscht belt and I thought, borscht belt. That's his big joke. That would kill in the 40s. Of course, yeah. I would have done great back then.

Here's me as a borscht belt comic, today's news event. There we go. Did you hear about this thing out in Las Vegas? 600 people shot. Crap. Folks.

That's what I'm thinking. Crap. You know, you hear the story about a mass shooting and you say, I hope it's a blackjack instead of a white guy. Instead of a white guy. Fingers crossed.

This is the real kind of terrorism. Oh, yeah. Boo. Boo yourself, your piece of shit. Fuck you. I live in Brooklyn. You fucking...

You come up here and entertain. You fucking pieces of shit. You all should be bulldozed. Make way for a ski resort. One thing I noticed rewatching Sopranos recently is whenever they hire a comic to play the bing, they always bomb.

When do they hire a comic? It's like two or three times they hire a comic and then they bring on the strippers afterwards and everyone just starts loosing it. They're like, try it. Lewis and Dave brought me to Detroit to do a strip club. I did a mic at a strip club once. They were like, why don't you do 25?

Amiko went up, did 10 and didn't do well. Just no one was listening. It was a strip club. Amiko's not a host. I don't know if you've seen him stand up but he does longer stuff. It's not really suited for a hosting.

Especially something like that. We've got to get in their faces and shit. I can't remember if I had already done below. No, I hadn't. But I had been driving for 11 hours or whatever. So I go up and I'm like, alright. I got it, dude. The road.

This is my fucking wheelhouse. Worst set I've ever had. You know what, I was bombing but riffing and I had fun riffs. In my head they were fun. Now I'm remembering one of them talking about how the logo on

an outhouse is the same as the muzzle flag. They checked that before. Dude, you know the toilet. Take that, Turk. You fucking Turks. Dude, that's already the toilet symbol. Fellas.

You think they were mad about that? That is a good one, man. That's an okay bit. I forget what I did. I think it was more clever than that. Well, come on. Detroit. Strip club. Legion of Skanks fans. The trifecta, dude. The holy trinity of perfect comedy.

We just need to call the strippers the n-word. Yeah, that fucking show was great, dude. That was such a bad show. Then we did a live podcast afterwards. So it's like the same people that watched it. If you fucking hated this

prepared material you're gonna fucking love the off the cuff coaked out riffs of a guy that's running on two hours of sleep in a bunch of like, you know, the most expensive menu items and sheets.

Yeah. Oh, what'd you get? What do you mean where the strip where they fucking goon? Were they friendly? Could you become friends with the strippers, maybe? And then they give you where they hot. And you have sex for free because they like your personality.

Do they watch the show? I don't know. I don't fucking maybe. You can't tell. If a stripper's nice, dude, it's like This is lecherous. You love saying lecherous. You're like this is like moralist when it comes to sex. Well, Nick doesn't enjoy sex. But like, no, any expression of public

horniness to Nick is just completely so morally like a the man's a robot, dude. That's right. The man's a robot, which you have fucking strange circumstances for a robot. I can't figure this. Yeah, but you know who else has? You're also a robot. The flashlight. So that's true.

That's a good point. So you're a flashlight? He's a machine. He gets fucked by men. Inside of Nick. They hold him by the waist and fucking mouth like a flesh. Neither of you know how analogies work. Yeah, huh? Yes, we do, bitch. No, we don't.

I said like her ass. It's a metaphor. You fucking retard. Yeah, but you're literally saying something. No, it's not. Yeah, huh. Like her ass is debt. A simile. A simile. Type of metaphor. No, no, no. Yeah, it is. You're right. But it's a simile. Like her as simile.

Just saying you're the thing. That's a metaphor. Yeah, but we're talking about sex and you're saying I'm right. I was only wondering you what a mean was. You're a cinnamonly. How about that? That's good. Look, man, that's good. Cinnamonly. Cinnamonly. You're like Cinnabon Voyage. Cinnabon. Here I go.

I'm gone. I know I'm stuck in this world. In the Michael Lawrence. What pun could I make out of this world? Okay. He was having a meltdown about Trump today on Twitter. On Instagram. Oh, really? Yeah.

Hey, man. People get got by that shit. I don't know, man. I like Mike, but I don't know why comics just be dumb. Just let yourself be a dumb person. That's my whole shit, baby. I will never try and be smart.

Yeah, me either. Until I'm older, maybe. I'll try to intimidate people. Because that's part of my charm. Oh, yeah. It's charming. Like a dark magician. Yes. Oh, the most charming guys on the world. Guys who want to be dark magicians.

Adam's upset. Adam's like having a temper tantrum. I'm not upset. No, I'm not upset, dude. The truth is, Nick does not know how to be horny. He doesn't understand it. Nick is like a fucking... He's horny in his own little locked-in world. What?

Where you could just be like, oh, I'm horny sometimes. I'm horny. Yeah, like in the story of course Evries, I got the... ...Saw was like performatively horny. You guys are polar opposites. And you're fucking horny. Yeah.

Oh, you're trying to position yourself as the fucking middle ground, huh? I'm not a middle ground You're a horny centrist, bitch. You're the Hillary Clinton of being horny. I'm Bernie and Nick is fucking horny Trump. And you're fucking Hillary, dude. Burt's fine, dude. Yeah. Bitch.

Yeah, actually you didn't have sex ladies. This analogy really works. I Paid for a fucking Robin. You paid for Stop getting trolled I had a couple of people make sweaters for me to feel big deal Fucking they make some getting trolled. Oh, yeah, so I fucking invest a little bit in a shack So I could have some nice linens. Hey, you know who's a fucked up guy Eli Whitney, dude inventing the conju There's some guys. There's some guys. Come on man. The slamer is about to end problem. Some guys send me a thing about Eli

I like to imagine it's the Eli from the World Star hip-hop video. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The rap Eli Man, fucking forget you man Man, I'm gonna invent the conju, man I'm like You know, I don't know if my head Eli Whitney's always been a black guy just cuz it's like it's not it's a white guy But it's like it seems like that would be the guy to invent the cotton gin would be a black guy That's like guess who just got us the summer off The original tech break at the vacation house. It's time for black bike week

Dude, he disrupted the the black rot rally Oh, I just watched the black bike you beckon. Yeah, no, there's like a there's a weird static noise. Oh, fuck Dude, Ben Cisco What? Adams commenting on the TV. Look at the way he kisses his son Kissed him tenderly. We're watching deep space nine. Yeah My dad, I hung out James James Every every Brooks not good every Brooks is fucking insane dude. Who's a Brooks him?

Ben Cisco, I watched some some like Special it was like captains on captains. I forget what it is It's like all the people who played Star Trek captains talking about fucking each other. Yeah fucking each other and he's he's The gayest of all Nuts dude, I believe it dude. Yeah Was that funeral sad not good. Yeah, he said damn. I thought it's gonna be sick. No, it was not Chill and it made me really sad. I love I love all the dumbasses are like dude my funeral

They're gonna like fuck it. So who's the comic that had that bit? I had that bit. No, but there was You know Jim Brewer like Pablo Francisco, dude, oh, I see my fucking body down like, you know lasers or whatever a bunch of idiots I knew they were like my funeral. You're gonna like fucking put my ashes in fireworks and it's like all those guys That's what overdoes 19 years old. Yeah, your family's at the funeral. It's a fucking horrific event There's nothing fun about it. It's sad, but also not that sad and that's kind of sad It's your mom not even being able to work up tears because she was so tired of dealing with your Yeah, it's gonna be there's gonna be a fucking band I'm playing Cky. Oh, yeah, he's gonna be there cuz I'm gonna die in a jackass everyone heard about how Hunter S. Thompson

They shot his shit up into fireworks. Oh, that's pretty cool. Dude. I do drugs just like him, dude And we're both really good writers. Oh, that's probably how I'm gonna go out. There was some fuck We're both equally as towns. Those are my favorite. I thought catalog guys were there like HST, you know, okay? I'm on mescaline right now. Oliver something. I can't remember. Yeah, it's like I'm writing this from a bathroom right now I'm homeless, you know, it's like oh, just go get a job. Yeah, stop fucking blogging on thought catalog from the McDonald's bathroom Like is there any way to make the font typewriter font on thought catalog? Um, yeah, so we just want this to be a little cooler Yeah, I hung out with my family. Oh, dude, there's fucking

The our house is in shambles. There's squirrels Fucking roof the shingles. They're just like squirrels in like the little porch They've made a nest there and my dad's like, ah, it's fine Like you're a fucking they fix the hole. No, the hole is still there. My father's is holding us rent Literally a contractor. I know I first of all, I have to pay for the materials and he's like, I'll do it If you help me, it's like, okay, I'll drive down from you You're buff brother there. We're all gonna have to come. This is the only way he gets any father's son. That's his house. I know

But it's like my my the rest of my family has to live there He he is fine living with a fucking hole in the room. I would be too You would love the fucking you would love the fucking way is it in your old bedroom the whole no It's in the fucking living room. Oh, he's in the middle of the center of the home and every time it rains We have to put pots and pans down, dude My mom loves it Amber Yeah, he's a friend and the whole yeah, so I have to fucking go down. I'm doing the DC Lounge On the October 20th, I think and so I'm just gonna have to go stay an extra day in Baltimore and help my father

Is that a one-day job? Yeah, I think it's a one-day job. Yeah, you just put a piece of plywood fucking nailing in the wall. That's it put some roof shingles I mean, I'm imagining, you know, like you For oh, yeah, like smashing through the wall and that's all it's not the wall. It's the ceiling Oh, it's a ceiling. It's the red ceiling and it's so no, there's two separate holes. I'm sorry. I didn't clarify We just get there's a squirrel hole That's in the front porch Leading to the fucking home shitty and then there's a hole above the fucking living room

That rain comes into and by the way the bath the downstairs bathroom is covered in mold and shit And they stripped all the fucking tiles and shit off. It looks like a fucking my home It's like the best home in Syria right now. It's fucking brutal, dude. Well, it's the best. Yeah, it's a mess. Yeah So yeah, I have to go a sod's house the best house in Syria. Yeah, it's probably a lot nicer. Yeah, that's true The lion dude. Well, so it's not even the nicest. You're right. It sounds like it's just a shitty house for any situation Yeah, it's a shitty house. Yeah, but my father just has and also he sleeps in the living room He looks at it every day. Yeah, he sounds like a real piece of shit. Yeah, he's a fucking idiot But yeah, is the bird grandpa his dad. Oh

Of course, of course, of course He's become a cat guy like my grandfather was a was a bird guy My father just has like nine stray cats around his fucking and the motherfuckers covered in fleas like the dirty kid from The peanuts. Yeah, like pig pen. I swear to God, dude. There's fleas on all his shit He brings fleas dad at home. Please my father has fleas. I didn't know Adam and your dad hung out Yeah Adam was good friends with your dad. It's been literally lived on your dad Some people are fucking obsessed with that bug thing with what the bug thing

It's because it's the truth. It's a door works out there on the internet. They're like Just like 20 times. Hey, man, don't disparage. Well, yeah, it sounds like you're definitely not mad about it. Yeah I don't you gotta stop getting trolled, man It sounds like you're not mad about it all and they'll probably stop now that you Now that you re-iterated After it had mostly died down. No, I think it's really cool I think and I think that they're really cool to do that thing that I said they were gonna do And then oh fuck do it over and over

90 times a day Oh You know the problem with biking here is I have to bike home I'll bike with you. You can take it on the train come to story, baby I'll fucking bike through a story and sleep on your couch. I don't give a shit. Oh, yeah, come through I'm gonna therapy at 10 in the morning tomorrow. So I have to leave at 9. I'm not gonna sleep tonight. I've had a rough couple of days What's wrong, babe? Well, you know, I went to I went to the shore and I saw my grandparents. Oh fuck Yeah, we need to talk about yours. I didn't want I was not like let's talk about my dying grandparents

Well, yeah, I mean, I just talked about the squirrel hole in my room. That's funny I don't know why should my grandfather fall down the stairs fucking bruises ribs is like not it is It's funny if you put it to like a Well, he slipped on a bunch of calm It's like a Benny Hill, so yeah, but Benny Hill shit whoop. Yeah That sucks a hot lady's top fell off when he tumbled down the stairs. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was cool though We won't we all went to dinner and that's nice. They're too old to finish their meals now So I ate everyone's dinner. Oh, that's nice. What kind would they have calories?

salmon nice check and Some kind of like I don't know. I don't remember what cut of meat it was but it was like a Like a like a like a because I've got a beef medallion with bacon Ah, I don't fuck with medallions dude. I need that fatty shit. Yeah, I've even it's wrapped in bacon I like medallions as long as they're on a necklace on a man riding this up. Oh Oh, I that's another thing that happened about my relapsed heavy I was so stressed out my family and the funeral. I was eating like a fucking savage, dude Yeah, I was having free mcgooby's meals every night that oh, I hit a fucking

I did the sad shit that I used to do when I was fucking depressed as shit I just I ate at mcgooby's for free had a big-ass fried food-ass meal And then I went home and just hit the fucking McDonald's by the travel plaza. Yeah, just fucking popped a 20 It was a 10 piece. I wasn't that bad and a McFlurry. Mmm. Just before what Eminem? Uh, Oreo. You had like what two days with that bike and you're like this is justified No, I hadn't even ridden yet. You know Lance Armstrong used to order just the whole side of the menu because he was biking so much Oh, really? I think you know I am bike boy now I think I'm gonna get my nudge chopped off to be aerodynamic like Lance did. Yeah

Dude, we all had shit. I was watching a video. This is sort of related to Lance Armstrong and getting your genitals cut off, but there's the New Zealand Weightlifting Association. They have a trans Woman so f2m or m2f m2f That's prior to transitioning. They were already competing in men's weightlifting Oh shit, and they were in their mid 30s, and they were like a shitty men's weightlifter. Oh, and now they're the best of all time And it's like you see them on the platform and I guess New Zealand's like a particularly progressive country I read GA Y you know and that so they

Like it's like it was like, you know in the video just everyone's like, yeah, we're so happy for her You know this is great. You know doing what she wants to do Boy, yeah, that's a tough one She's throwing the weight up. Yeah. Yes. Oh there it goes. Yes, and nobody surprised that she's done it Yes Yes, miss. Yeah, but that's always funny. That's like a hard the MMA ones tough, too Because it's like there's a happy for you 100 mm a I'm just fucking up. Yeah And it's like I'm happy for you. I'm glad you transitioned and shit

But like something feels a little off here. This is actually pretty progressive Well, it's but I mean it's like and these are all arguments that have been played out on much shittier podcast, right, right, right? But I mean, it's like, you know, it's it it's illegal to take additional testosterone, right? That's you can't do that. You can't take steroids and compete in any sport, right rather than like competitive But maybe if you throw your shit low enough body building is like the only sport in fact like it should be encouraged for trans people to go into body Yeah Because that's something where you know drug abuse is encouraged and you're supposed to die at age 40 Sounds cool, you know with like fighting or whatever if you had like

You know a 20-year advantage over a woman where you have testosterone making your bones thicker, you know Couldn't you get it low though? What your your H-levels your hormones and shit. No once you transition it does lower your testosterone. Uh-huh like that happens for sure Right testosterone has like a permanent effect on your bone structure So like you're they're gonna have thick-ass but you have thicker joints and thicker wrists and you know bigger hands and better leverages It's just like gotcha on average, you know, but yeah, but still it's like I looked at Adam when he said on average By the way, well, yeah, Adam has you know, very small little beautiful a cup tits It's beautiful. Thanks. You do have a little titties. Yeah, just he's all nipple. It's like a big guy

I've actually incredibly small nipples. You do have small nips. Yeah, and I like a puffy nip. We've talked about this Yeah, I like all nips. They're a big soft vagina Stov's got some nice silver dollars. I got some nice nipper runes. It's got some nice silver tan, too They're nice and fucking brown You know, I like all shades as well. Yeah No, I'm gonna get a little lampshades on my nipples and little tassels. Yeah, no a little lampshades Yeah, yeah, yeah, like that's like, you know what I'm gonna get some sconces. Yes Light up

You know, so I like that the nautical themed ones, you know, so I look like a bad guy from BioShock My fucking port window ship wheel nipples. Yeah, right exactly this big brass glowing yellow nipples People are like, what the fuck is that? I'm like, ah, you know, I used to be pretty in a video game. So After I played BioShock, I got my nipples permanently converted into Whatever this is so, you know, I don't know the mid-naughts were a different time before all this Trump stuff. I didn't realize it glowing Diving bell nipples. We're gonna be the symbol of hate. That's right. The news I didn't realize that was what it was gonna be

It's the teens though bitch it ain't the knot of the knots. I'm talking about in the story I would have gotten them back then. I'm too hungry to fucking focus. Yeah, speaking of which about to be the 20s You think that's gonna flappers. Yeah. Yeah, I used to all that I used to joke about that like 10 years ago Oh, really me and Jake were drinking one time. I was like, we're gonna be like 20s guys Yeah, we're gonna call each other. Yeah, is that what they called each other? Yeah. Yeah, you ever watch Miller's Crossing? No Yeah, you're such a fucking idiot. What's that about? It's the best Colin Brothers movie. Really? I don't know about that. It is It's the best Colin Brothers

Disagrees because he doesn't know what he's talking about. Shut the fuck up I'm a plebe. What's the best? What's the best Colin Brothers movie then? You just fucking disagreeing because you don't even know Fargo. I make a list of movies I should watch. Fargo is not as good as Miller's Crossing. Fargo's good as shit, dude Fargo's good as shit. Fargo is good. I'm not saying Fargo's a bad movie. You heard it here guys. Nick thinks Fargo sucks. Miller's Crossing is a better movie Yeah, but Miller's Crossing doesn't like blow Fargo out of the wall. I mean, they're both very good movies But yeah, did I say it blows Fargo's? I got a list of movies I gotta watch. Miller's Crossing. What else? What else goes on the list? Are we talking Colin Brothers movies? The movie where a bunch of Adams Flock your father's penis and suck the blood out of it. They jump off a cat

Millions of them. That movie. Yeah, it's got a cat named Hercules. A bug's life too Dick amps Stavros, you have to come home. I have dick amps. I have dick amps again and I will clean them but I will clean them But you have to pay for it If you do not pay for it, I will let the dick amps kill your mother And I'm on I'm on your dad's dick and I'm talking to my dick that my dick ant therapist I'm like, well, I don't know what it means. He's trying to circumcise him. Yeah by biting his foreskin off. I told you guys about You told us about that the dick ants, right? No, no, no

Yeah, yeah, I love that When I met when I when I went to the doctor and one of them said I should get circumcised my dad was like What is he fucking Jewish? Yeah He thinks he thinks he's a Jewish conspiracy to get everyone circumcised. Oh, but of course, I'll never sir I'll never get I'm not sure I'm not gonna I'm not sure I'm gonna do it to my kids. Oh You're impotent. I'm first of all. I'm not in here. Oh, do you have any proof? Yeah, I haven't pregnant Yes, I Hope I'm maybe I am

Your boy's a plan B captain I've I will never find out I did in some woman had like a miscarriage She told me like she was like she was like, yeah I didn't have my period for like three months and then it was like I was bleeding profusely And I was like, holy shit. Interesting. So I dodged a bullet there That would have been a nightmare. Yeah, I had to go to the clinic and It was me and all bad boys waiting for your a boy at the baby out of your ass. I Was not the pregnant Stavros. I was the man Yeah, it's stuck the little vacuum up Adam's ass. I

Just like Adam's ass is sucking too much We've got a water generator She can't handle any more pressure The vacuum is going to Oh, yeah, that's very funny. That's very funny. That's very funny. That's good shit, baby. It's call me that whatever that was on Twitter Well, that's probably gonna do it for this one. Yeah, come to the show. It's oh, is this gonna air before the show? It doesn't matter. I mean come to funny moms. What they funny moms on Monday coming up. Oh shit I think I'm booked for something what I'm doing. I'm doing like good for you. I think is the name of the show

It's one of those like Brooklyn. It's a Williamsburg show. Don't do some just do our show I think we're good for you. It's not a not a Monday show. They said October 7th. They said do you want to not dude? We're the ninth. We're the ninth. Yeah, fuck is the 7th is good for you. That's a good show What can Tina Royale to Saturday? What the fuck is Saturday? We have to shoot the thing. Oh, yeah, we're shooting on Saturday. Oh, you can tell people that yeah We're shooting the web series. It's not the web series. No, it's not the web It's a trailer for I'm doing a movie. It's a full-emotion picture We're shooting a movie in a day 99 minute. I wanted to keep it

You know, I kept lying about the web series for so long sex comedy It's a now the truth begins It's porn Yeah, so funny moms the ninth funny mom says the ninth all three of us will be there with good attitudes Yes, and then Stop an iron DC on Wednesday. It doesn't get sold out. It doesn't matter. It's coming out the same day Oh, also a shout out to everybody that died today. Yeah, yeah prayers up for Vegas my hometown I'm Tom. He's up for V gas and peas down for Tom and I won't

And also by the way, that's what I listen to every this is the only this is the only news organization that you're gonna hear say this Tom Petty was a terrorist Okay, yeah, all right, okay Yeah, why don't you let that sink into your fucking white man was a lone wolf? He was a fucking terrorist. That's right. It's a terrorist. The heartbreakers were a terrorist organization Just like Islam Just like Islam is read the Quran. Yo, yeah, bitch. Yeah, eat the words that it says All right. Well, goodbye