The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 75 – The Voice Of The Left

Episode Date: October 25, 2017

This is waht it sounds like (retarded guy voice) duh im the left lol. i go poo poo and pee pee. lol

What's up everybody? You're watching Dan Carlin's Hard-R History. Today's episode, the N-word. Follow it, part of our 37-part series on America's favorite word. I'm Dan Carlin. Not to be confused with George Carlin, who I'm very similar. I don't know anything about Dan Carlin. Other than he has a show called Hard-R History. What's that about? The history of people getting fucked on camera? Getting fucked on camera. Dick and Pussy on camera. Not just getting fucked, you see the dick in the pussy. And then Mark Twain was the first person to actually zoom in on the asshole. Just getting fucking railed out. We're live at the WNYC studios. I'm Jed Abumrat and I'm Robert Crowley. WNYC. Audio for nerds.

People that wish they were still in college. Do homework all day long. People that wish they still had homework. That's so fucking true. Those fucking nerds. They wanted to get grades back on their chores. People that want to just be pet on the head by a teacher. Have someone to tattle to. Oh fuck dude. Not real men like us. Blue collar boys. Fucking try and tattle on me bitch. Try it bitch. Figure out who to tattle to. Your employer. Guess what? I don't have a job. That's right. Well you do have a job right now.

Don't tell anyone that I have a employer. I can't get fired. They do have a window right now that they could fire you. That's kind of crazy. Please nobody call WNYC studios. Please don't call WNYC studios and demand that they take Dan Carlin's hard art history off the air. Their new show Dan Carlin's hard art history. Would you listen to an audio series about the N word? If Ken Burns did it. I'm surprised Ken Burns hasn't done the N word yet. And said it in his fucking plastic black wig. Why is there so bad dude?

I just got Ken Burns's the N word on 4k blue ray. It's 17 discs. It's an 82 hour show but it's great. It's all really powerful letters home to your wife. There's so many of them here. My dearest Virginia. I came up with the funniest word today. Me and the boys were down at the barracks eating hard tack just waiting for them Yankee fellows to come by and murder us all. And I said what if we called them this. I can't wait to get home to your sweet lips and whisper it into your ear. Oh god damn. Yeah this is another late night. We're late night boys tonight dude. Yeah but this is a good one. We're not eating. The mood is right.

We're drinking coffee. Oh god damn. I'm doing a late coffee after the debut. I'm jacked up on ibuprofen. I've been taking painkillers all day long. I've really fucked up my shoulder the other day. I don't know. I was benching and I was locking out which is usually the safest part of the bench press. And then my collarbone popped. It felt like it popped in and out. I don't know how the fuck it happened. Your bitch ass body is quitting on you. No I think I've become too strong for bones. That's what happened. Your frame is protesting. It's like we need to start doing gay stuff again. Yeah I got a frame for you. It's the one around your picture on the wall at the burger restaurant. Number one customer. Thank you for paying my son's way through medical school.

You got to drink all the grease in the grease trap. That actually wasn't a challenge that we have here. And you're like it's okay. I brought my own picture. I bring my own picture at every burger restaurant and I invent my own challenge. That's at the cheeseburger and paradise in White Marsh Maryland. My picture is on that wall for eating a five pound burger. That's a lot. Wait is that real? Yeah. You ate a five pound burger. Whatever their challenge burger is I'm pretty sure it's five pounds. Any comeboys in Baltimore want to go to that. I think it's on Honey Go Boulevard. Cheeseburger restaurant get us a picture of Stov's Feta. You think about it. McDonald's has a quarter pounder. So that was 20 of those. 20? When your boy is clicking on all cylinders. You're not my boy in the context. You're putting five pounds of fucking ground beef in your body.

What's it like being in the zone like that? Bro me and Elvis put together one of the most disgusting evenings of my life the other night. It was so bad my dick didn't work for like two days afterwards. It was that. It was that. It was that. It was the food. Your penis didn't work for eating that much afterwards. But I still got the job done. What was the shit like? The shit was brutal. More like Dairy Queenus. That's what Stov's got between his legs. What is it? A Dairy Queenus. It's a vagina made out of ice cream. Now we're combining two of my favorite things. It's so tight you can turn it upside down and none of the cum comes out. There he is. Yo I would eat the hell out of a pussy ice cream.

But let me tell you this order. It was, Nick is taking a phone call. Alright let me tell you this order. It was fucking, so we get, we start with a Chinese food order. And it's two combination platters. Okay? Shrimp and broccoli, General So's, Jenny So's. That's where the order should stop. That's where you stop for anything. This was last week or something? This was Saturday. Okay. This was Saturday. Yeah, yeah. So, and then we throw in a little noodle for the table. You know what I mean? A little fucking large. Oh you're in a restaurant? Large chow fund. No it was in our home. In your house. For the table. Then six chicken wings. Okay. What's wrong with that? Why not?

What's wrong with six chicken wings? And then of course, so we eat all that. Followed up with two pints of Ben and Jerry's. Yes. Okay. I went peanut butter, core. He goes fucking, hey hey Dana. Hey. Oh hello, nice to go man. I don't know you, but nice to meet you. Hey Alex. We're gonna broadcast for another 40 minutes. No it's fine. No it's okay. I was just telling everyone a disgusting thing I put in my body. I'm Dana from come town west. Adam, Los Angeles Adam is here. L.A. Adam. L.A. Adam. No I'm Jamel dude. You're Dana. Of course I'm Jamel. You're out of your mind.

Oh come on. Anyway, had all that Chinese food. Had a fucking, had two pints of Ben and Jerry's. And then 40 minutes later, we ordered two things with chicken tenders. An egg hero with three eggs, tomatoes, mayonnaise, cheese, chicken tenders and fries. He had another pint and I had a pack of Oreos and a thing of chocolate milk. I'm so glad that you eat so much that I can just leave the room for like five minutes. And he's like, oh a pack of Oreos, Sichuan chicken. Three pizzas. Yeah well, you're welcome you motherfuckers. He literally ate up time. What's that? Are your poops, I don't want to get too graphic. Go ahead.

Are your poops, are they like hard or are they soft? No they're nice and soft. They're nice and soft. You eat fruit? I eat fruit. I get a lot of fiber in my diet. He probably eats such greasy shit that it just falls out. It's either nice and smooth or it's a horror show. And you eat a lot of fat so you take the best shit. It slides right out of your ass. Fiber is bullshit in my mind. No. Fiber plus fat. Fiber plus fat, now you're talking about a nice shit. I consume so much fucking like bran in the morning, you know, just the shit or whatever. You're a branflake boy? Yeah, just stay regular.

He used to be there for my mom. I just couldn't shit. I would eat such like high protein that I just wouldn't shit. I needed to blow my ass out with fucking bran. I'm one of those shits where you're sitting there for like 30 minutes and you're like what the fuck is going on. That's what this shit was like. I shit consecutively for, I'm not even kidding, 12 minutes probably. I would shit for like 30 seconds, take a little break and just keep shitting. Because normally when I'm on the toilet I like doing like a nice little ratio of 60% chilling, 40% shit. You know what I mean? Like to have a little phone time. Spilling shit out of your ass. Exactly.

60% chill, 40% spill. Yeah, no. Have you ever one of those shits where you're sitting there for 20 minutes and you're like I need to shit but nothing's coming out? Squatty potty. You need a squatty potty, bro. No. Then you have some sort of like, it's like a it's like a continuous sauce. It's like an 8 foot continuous sausage. I love that way of curls. And it curls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unbelievable. That feels great. One time I was on vacation with my parents in Malibu and that was like, it hurts so bad at first. It hurts so bad.

If I can break the seal. How about when you shit so much and like some's coming out, sticking out of the water? You know what I mean? No. I don't really know that. You can fully fill up the toilet and the top is sticking out. Jesus Christ. You call that the iceberg? All of Stodd's turds. All of Stodd's turds look like little statues of Stodd. Oh, that would rule, dude. He actually shits out tiny Buddha statues. That's what my asshole is shaped like. It's proportional to your to your proportions, yeah. Yeah. I would love to shit out a little me, dude. It's just, yeah, like a public restroom and people just hear like nice and like

hell yeah, coming from a stall and confused as to what's going on. Some guy admiring his fucking self-shaped turds. I used to have like a fear of going to public restrooms because I had this traumatic experience. No, you guys, I know what you're about to do. I was going to say I had a traumatic experience in a public restroom when I was a kid and you were like, you guys were going to sit in those. We're not going to make fun of the time you were actually interested in it. We understand some things are off-limit like the time you sucked off four guys.

And real things like that happened in Las Vegas. Okay, I was at the, they had the rodeo finals in Las Vegas. That's what they called your ass, the rodeo finals. They say see how long it takes Adam to come on. Basically like four clowns would come in and fuck my ass. In time how long? To distract. The clowns would fuck my ass so the cowboys could get ready to fuck my ass. And then the bull would come on my ass. The clowns would fluff my ass.

Get it ready. Yeah, and that's how I met Steve though. I was at the rodeo and I had sex and then I contracted HIV and then I had to get this medication that wasn't legal yet in America. I lost all this weight and then I was going all around the world to assert a buyer's club. No, no, no. Okay, so I was at the rodeo like finals with my family. I needed a shit really bad. Why were you at the rodeo finals? Because my parents got like comp tickets or something. My South African dad and I were waiting for my... You guys are the lowest level

of Jews. Those are your showbiz connections. This is the rodeo. That was a big deal dude. For the economy, it was the fucking final. It was like the national finals of rodeo. And I remember also I was like eight or nine and they were just beating the shit out of cows. Like little cows. The roping sport, that one is like it's really brutal. It's like baby cows. They're like just fucking tying up and fucking up. So what happened in this bathroom? We were like it's a rodeo. I didn't know dude. I was just like a little kid. I'd never seen someone

do a calf beating up sport. My friend, my friend Mindy used to choose a caretaker for this guy with someone where you're like retarded. Your body's fucked up. Yeah, it's cerebral palsy. And he loves professional bull riding. So he had all this like PBR gear. Yeah, that's where we were at the PBR. And people would come up and be like damn, is that what happened to him? It's like yeah, a bull fucked them up

and now his body is tiny. He has a giant head and a tiny fucked up body from the bull. Because a horn went through his fucking spine. It's always funny those still images those high speed cameras that capture like a horn going all like when it's at the apex of a man's asshole. Some Spanish piece of shit with a bunch of life. It's really funny when bull when bullfighters and their dumb ass sequined fucking uniforms get gourd. But the end of bullfighting is like they have to fucking stab the bull

to death. Yeah, that's why it's funny when they get killed. Did you see the one where the horn goes through the guy at the bottom and the guy's chin goes comes out and is fucking out. Oh, that one sucks dude, fuck. That one's good. I'm kind of pro bulls fucking up those guys. Yeah, but that one's pretty brutal. Not because I care about the animals. I also think it's funny that the bulls get stabbed to death. I just also like that humans are hurt. Especially Europeans. They get just happy whenever death is occurring. It's win-win. Some Spanish piece of shit

gets his face slit open by a dangerous animal and then they poke it to death with elongated needles. So what happens in this fucking bathroom? Me and my dad were in this long ass line and all these dudes are wearing like tight wranglers and they're just chugging beer. And you can see they're beautiful cocks. No, just like everyone needed to piss so back. Adam is really into penis outlines as a kid. That was his thing. At first it was really funny because these guys like they were wearing these tight jeans

and they had to piss so bad so like every dude when he like undo his jeans to piss like at the urinal there was just this collective like sigh. Like all of them were like ah fuck yeah. But then I had to shit so I like went into the toilet and the toilet was just like it looked like Chernobyl or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like oh fuck. It was like one of the I got like terrified. I got like chili dog splatters. There was like yeah there was like just fucking yeah like literally chili coming out of men's ass like all on the wall. I don't even understand how that happened. And it's just like I got really scared and I like ran out of

there and it like fucked me up for a couple years. That fucked you up seeing shit in a toilet bowl. Fuck you up. It was not in a toilet bowl. It was literally in every corner of the fucking stall. And that's why you couldn't use public resumes. It took like a couple another couple of years for me to be like comfortable. I mean I didn't think you were gonna get molested but I thought it was gonna be like something. I just got it was like terror. It was like you know in fucking squat. It was like I love shitting in public restroom. Oh now I'm back on it dude. Yeah I kind of like it. Me too. Secretly. I'm all

I'm all I'm no secret. No I could I could shit in a nasty ass restroom now but that fucked me up. Sometimes I like the challenge she did not to squat to not sit down. When I lived in Austin one of my favorite things to do was get real high and go to the Hyatt on like 4th street. A nice hotel. And then I would shit in their bass. That is nice. You would drive to a fucking hotel just when I was out and about handling business. Getting fucked up. Yeah getting fucked up.

Drunk driving to the Hyatt to use your bathroom. And this is why we are the leading podcast of the left. On the left. That's right dude. This is why we're the number. Jeff Stein can try and take our position away from us. Too bad Jeff. I saw a picture of what you look like. Where the fuck is your bottom half of your jaw at by the guy. He looks like a Mars attacks the guy that stands up and he's like

do the aliens have two sexes like we do. Jeff Stein wants to fuck aliens. He's that guy from Mars attacks that wants to fuck the aliens. I put that in your next article. Harassed by podcasts that you're forced to listen to. Podcast is the kind of medium that really sneaks up on you. There is more steps to listening to a god damn podcast. I like to imagine his high school bully

that still keeps track of where he lives. He's playing come town say anything style over a boom box. Just let me go to sleep. Yeah his high school bully was like a cripple. Yeah probably. Oh man yeah I mean it is so embarrassing that that was written. That the quote where I said come town is about being gay with your dad. How do you not do that

as a kid. A news man wrote a news article. Imagine you're like a casual reader of Vox. Look at an adult. You don't pay any attention to this shit. You put on your reading glasses. Oh Vox is like a website with news on it. They're like oh I guess there's a problem with you know harassment. Harassment. Yeah when being harassed on the left. Oh they're being touched. Did somebody get assaulted or something. Oh no there's just a podcast called come town. And they're friends

with a guy that took picture next to the Bill Cosby's star. Who made a joke we're too stupid to get. Who made such a nothing of a joke. A nothing. God damn it dude that shit is so funny. What a dumbass world. Yeah it is 2017 crazy. Yeah fuck. That is crazy. That is crazy that that happened. At first I was annoyed now I'm at the point where I'm like this. Why are you annoyed. Who gives a fuck. Adam's afraid of his former employee Vox coming for him. Oh yeah dude

Maddie Glacier is going to fuck your ass off. I worked there for two and a half months and I was sad about a girl cucking me for a DJ the entire time. I like instead of doing work like drafted like this is going to be the email. Oh those are the worst emails. Just two months of like laying it all out. You're working on it. You're moving paragraphs up and down and shit. Yeah you like maybe this one goes better as an intro paragraph than you stand up and you walk around the room. Imagine an alternate universe for Adam

keeps the job. He never does our show and he's at Vox writing it's homophobic the chapeau won't have me on it. To clarify. Chapeau trapeaus is anti-gay because they won't have me Adam Friedland on the show. Me and my friend Justin who kiss and hug each other and work and they can't fire us because it would be discrimination. Every day we get a gay cake baked for us to prove. No to clarify I never worked for Vox.com. I never worked for that

website. To clarify this one. I worked for it. I was a paralegal for the company that owns Vox. Oh shit so. Weinstein Entertainment. No they own like you know SB Nation like the sports multi-platform thing yeah fuck ESPN by the way for cancelling Big Cat and PFT show. Yeah those are our boys. That's fucking bullshit. You gotta cancel the media. Immediately cause just cause they only got a bar stool. It wasn't them they were doing a good show. It's cause the president of Bar Stool. Cause ESPN is a bunch of

bitches. No cause they found that contract. They found that contract. Fuck that first of all fuck that contract. They knew who the fuck they were signing. They made a female employee like sign a contract but she didn't sign it she like red-lined it but it said like you can't be offended by that jokes if you work here. A good idea. In their contract. Or you can't be offended. I think it was like basically. I'm gonna start making everybody sign contracts. Put all sorts of shit on there. Anyone I interact with you can contract. Before this conversation starts I want this slur waiver. They're making a wave inside this thing so

that they can be harassed. You have to say that Hillary's a bitch. Or you're going to jail. Say on camera you're not with her. I want to hear you say it. Yeah we're doing video contracts. You got a new kind of business I came up with. Bar Stool just casting it's like he did casting videos. So you want a blog? In the ninja costume with the machete. In the middle of the desert.

This is a video contract and what is that guy's name the Beatles Jimmy? What? The ISIS guy that would kill people. Oh yeah yeah. The British Shawnee. Yeah they call him like Beatles Frankie or something. They all got mob names in ISIS. He was a rapper right? Jimmy five prayers. They all have Toyota pickups with like sick like desert pre-runner kits on the truck. It's a Toyota Hilux.

It's the vehicle of choice. They love him. They store a lot of fucking heads. I mean they did love them before Trump defeated them entirely. RIP to ISIS thank you. Thank you Trump. This is the correspondence dinner tomorrow night? It is. Who's even doing it? Are they doing it? It's Dennis Miller. It's Steven Crowder. Well it's Dan for sure. Dude apparently he bombed before show. Of course he did. What do you mean he bombed? I rewatched the Shane Bain video and that is still like one of the funniest

things I've ever seen. So we're gonna go back on record and say that's a good video. I felt I owed it to Shane to at least watch the video again and it fucking got me so good. It's so funny. A little bit about myself. My father's from India and my mom is from Japan. When he snaps the guy's neck. I would actually go on tour with Andy Grove. Dane have you seen this? This guy Shane who listens to the show. I guess we can't really. She's a woman.

I don't care about Miss Jennerham anymore after this. Yeah right after that came out. Sorry bud. Is that how that works? You don't have to go to jail but you just get your pronouns taken away. I'm gonna be the one that says it. That's the answer. I'm gonna handle it the worst way possible. Yeah that's the worst thing you could possibly have. When that girl was getting mad at him people were like please stop Miss Jennerham. I apologize. Well Sadie

was like of course this is everybody that listens to the show. And then Noah Berlatsky was like should we really be going after someone for being a pedophile? Which was like suspicious that he would say that? Who amongst us hasn't beat off the children was what he said. Verbate him. Well point is the Bane video is very funny. He took a video of Bane coming out to that auditorium in Dark Night

and then dubbed over it with Dan Ninen and Stand Up but with the stadium effect. It was good. So it's like Bane coming out and he's like a little bit about me. My father's from India and my mom's from Japan. It's very good. Oh someone shout out to the Cumboy that sent me, I still haven't showed you guys this, send me Ninen's pilot script. Oh yeah. And it is exactly what you, I think we should do a dramatic read. I think we should do a whole

episode. Legally. Are we good doing that? Why? What? I don't know. It's just words on a paper. Yeah. He doesn't have a fucking video contract for me. That's right. I don't have to worry about shit. Your Honor, where's the video? Honestly, a fucking video means I didn't break the law. I think it's definitely going to get in trouble for something to be like I'm representing myself. Oh 100% I can't wait to be one of those guys. Are you fucking kidding me? You know all the fucking research

that fucking he would fucking love to do? Oh I will not be requiring counsel. Bring up some old ass fucking statute. It was like only applied to sailors in the 1700s. Yeah. No, you just like read out those like weird laws. Oh in Plymouth, Massachusetts you can't ride an off switch. Yeah, I get all my information from those what are those like brain games they used to have that came on those like bookmark sized cards. I forget what those were called but if I knew the name of those things boy would that have been a hell of a fucking reference. Noodle. People would have

laughed and laughed at that. Noodle. Was Noodle in it? Noodle? We don't have a video contract. I say anything and you're like who's it about? No, like brain. The way your brain. Noodle is a fucking sitting in for brain motherfucker. There's some kind of kids smart game with Noodle in the fucking title. Could you, was there a way to eat this thing you mentioned? Yo fuck you. Consume it as a meal. Noodle means brain. It's a fucking game.

Dude, I'm gonna look this shit up. Game Noodle. Sob, what are you dressing up for Halloween? I think I'm gonna be Uma Thurman from Kill Bill. Oh that's cute. Thanks man. Are you gonna be at the wig? Yeah, of course dude. Yeah. Are you gonna like latex body paint? Nick, where are you gonna be? You don't dress up, right? Well, I'm not a latex Chinese girlfriend. She's Filipino Nick. Come on. Try to say it's offensive. You can't. Because, you know, she's sort of a criminal. It's representation. Yeah, I guess. Are you gonna, yeah.

You're not gonna do face, I don't do the Halloween costume. Oh, thank you by the way to everyone that came out last night to find moms. Oh yeah, that was a fun show. Miss Nick. I'm sorry. I missed it. He'll be back. I was busy taking my free uber ride for midtown Oh, they give you a car you get a car back at night. That's nice. Yeah. Yeah, that's the one perk from the gay sex factory from the gay That's where you can get him fired from what was I gonna say? What are we gonna do for Halloween? I don't know. I heard about a couple things couple couple things popping Yeah, I remember the one time the summer the the Halloween. I was moving into my that was the best Party of all time, and I it was the most stressful day of my fucking life

That was the best bed bugs. I had to move all my shit. I'd get all my shit out of Cristina's Humigated fucked up that night you negate it and then move it in it was fucking I cried like three times That was the best Halloween. I've ever had God I just went to this to that mansion in Fort Greene. Can we run that back three as three-story man? Why can't I run that back? I don't have a mansion. You got a mansion. Who's fuck whose party was it? I don't even fucking know someone a friend of a friend. Let's get back in there. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out What else is in the news besides us?

In the actual news the actual news Okay That article is gonna look in like a year It's gonna look really fucking stupid in the future. It's gonna look so stupid in a week Yeah, honestly, we're gonna bomb North Korea's Remember what they printed Adams joke about fucking is a father. Well, that's not your case. It's not a joke I mean, yeah, okay, Joe can we say it's a bit. Yeah, it's a dad has sex with me deflecting. Yeah, okay We all got I was in a cab today

And I was watching your dad's show New York City New York City cab in New York City, Manhattan And I was watching taxicab TV Steve Harvey show clip from his talk show Can I like can I tell you guys a joke that he told? Yeah, I'm gonna do Steve's joke. Okay. Go ahead I'm trying to understand millennials Because I got three of them in my house and I want them out Very nice laugh Then if if anyone knows Millennials, they know they like three things. Oh, yeah one Is they love food from the gas station?

Okay, I'm not even Royal farm shakin is my favorite shit. All right, but yeah My favorite is from Hanks that fucking He's right because that's that hold on because you're you're shitting on Steve Harvey. I'm not shitting I'm trying to tell you. I mean, he's right if you think about it. There's there was sort of a gas station food renaissance With with while while she eats and wah wah shit that you know is that millennial There's that one place in DC that used to not be like that astro or whatever. Oh, yeah on the 14th. The shit is good Yeah, yeah, it's good. Okay, but we're breaking news from the New York Times

China unveiled its new leadership with Xi Jinping more powerful than ever Oh, damn, I'm sure that way is that now he has two swords Wait, let me finish got Jade throwing stars now, you know, they made a they put the big points in this brand leader of China Yeah, thank you. She didn't go in shin All right, I pan is always got to have two names. Yeah, Ling Ling like Ling Ling shin shin Bruce Bruce Very nicely done. All right. All right. Yes Millennials love gas station food food from the gas station number two athletic clothes

Again, dude, he's on to something and number three all Millennials love hot sauce Right, this is the set up for the joke the punchline is If you're eating Food from the gas station with hot sauce You're gonna need to wear athletic clothes Because you're gonna shit because you're gonna have to go to the bathroom a lot. Okay, so I just wanted to share that joke. I remember there's a classic Steve Harvey bit where he's talking about the difference between young people and old people

Yeah, I mean, that's just like that's old Steve's whole thing. Yeah, but he's talking about like remember back in the day You just took a piss And you old and now it's urine you got to be your name I guess Because the premise behind the Millennials joke is that every time he sees one of them. It's like all Steve here comes another millennial here to take a diarrhea Everywhere, yeah, they're gas station hot sauce Yeah, it's a good bit. I don't get what you're trying to criticize. Yeah, you're madden for being a better comic

I don't what's yeah, right? Have you written anything even close to that good in the last six months? Here's your stand-up is all just fake stories about the subway It's not somebody misgendering you on the subway Steve writes classic Observational about generations about generations I do everybody in there, you know, you're young a joke about young you're pissing everywhere Yeah, you're taking yourself laughing at Steve Harvey. You're old. You're urinating. Would you guys we should go see Steve? I would love to that would rock. How does he get all that work done?

I'm like working with somebody that I guess said they worked with somebody on Steve Harvey show right now the talk show Yeah, they were like they were like, yeah, there's a they were like telling all these like Steve Harvey take these secrets about Steve Harvey or whatever from the show like and People are like what secrets or whatever and like apparently he's like really just weird to women and it's like oh, yeah He's terrible. That's not a secret Why he's actually harasses every woman on family and he writes books about how you should be how to be a good husband Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, and oh that like for a while. So how to be a good one. Yeah, it's a how to be a good wife Yeah, it's like how to yeah, they act like a lady think like a man or some shit like which they adapted into a movie and the movie

Is about people that read the book It's really boring They're just quietly reading go. Mm-hmm Good book Think like a man. Yeah, man But how does he get it all done cuz he does radio every day. He has the talk show every day He's doing family feud. He's doing like those talent shows like Steve Harvey wants you to learn how to like pull a Pull a tablecloth out from under Steve Harvey's big break. Yeah, I went off the air 15 years ago. I think that might still be on

There was on he does one with kids now or something. Yeah, he just stole a kid say the darnest thing Yeah, he has something else show, but it's like on a stage. I don't think it's like he's definitely I mean, he's probably like how's it getting it all done it? How much money do I don't think so no No, I think he's just like an old like Asked used man. Yeah He's a lot older than people think he Company to Damn, I do want one of them suits, dude. I

Most bought a purple like a promo pick if we ever do promo picks for the podcast of us wearing like 12 button Yeah egg plant I Got a fucking egg plant for you pal. King of comedy. What? We're like a smeg plant All right, that's the plant where they make all the smack. Yeah, it's magma. Yeah Whatever I'm glad I have a pun zone. Yeah, the pun. I'm glad I'm fucking skinned up You guys are chopped off. Yeah, I got more dick if you think about it Okay, they could call it forgot I would sell a boy running to keep calling him a skin job

That's what they call the replicants or whatever But it just I in my head the first thing I think it's like. Oh, yeah, the guys got a foreskin a skin job sounds like dystopian Everyone's Jewish To reattach yeah, have you looked into it? I looked into it But the problem is that you need to have like an asshole still to for them to remove to put on the top That's an Adam's ass. Well, that's one of the problem. The other problem is you have to have at least one inch of penis

Yeah, there wasn't enough of penis there. It's wrapped on Doctor he's like listen, you're almost there, but you're not quite a woman. Yeah. Sorry. I was like, I can get it hard Dude, he's like that's not there was I remember watching surgery on your heart That's one of the rules of medicine. No surgery on our dick Oh, let me get it hard, please. Yeah, doc doc. Give me a chair. I remember watching some like show about it's like It's like it was like I think on the BBC. It was like embarrassing bought people with fucked-up bodies It's like that Mitchell and Weblook sketch about the boy with an ass for a face Oh, yeah, yeah, they're like pretend that you care about these people while you just gawk at them

But there is yeah the embarrassing bodies and they had one was a guy with a micro penis Oh, he was married and he was like, I'm trying to get the surgery so I can finally have sex as my wife He's never had sex because he suffered from what what's called the hidden penis You're not into the body. Yeah, it's like if I got even gonna bother coming up with like a name for it Don't have it. Just don't have a name for it He didn't do any work, right exactly. Yeah, like get check your fucking dictionary So his dick would what have you like it just retracted. It's just yeah, he had like a belly button And his dick was hiding in there like a funnel spider

And so they go to do the surgery and they put him under and then the next scene is them bringing him out of surgery and He's like oh like where am I you know, they're like Yeah, like your blood pressure something was fucked up. So we just can't do the surgery So you're gonna be stuck with this Yeah, he just sits there crying they're like on the next episode of embarrassing That's so funny. You think that guy used a strap on or something to fuck his wife No, I think he's just divorced now, probably yeah, can you even beat off? What do you just put your finger in the little hole that your dick is yeah, she sticks her clit in the hole

Yeah, he fucks his dick with a clit She had a huge clit. She had like a Joni Lawler sized clit. Yeah, RIP. RIP. It's too soon Her body's not even cold yet. Her body's barely cold man. You met Expoq, right? I did. Yeah, we talked about this We made this exact same joke one episode ago like probably earlier in this episode. No, no, it was one episode good I remember. Yeah, was it? Um, anyway. I'm a professional Sorry Professional, that's what you are What were you gonna say?

You had nothing to say. I really wanted to tell you guys that Steve Harvey joke I heard today. No, that was good Yeah, I remember one time when I went to go see if I because my we've discussed how my foreskin is too tight and I had a I had a doctor basically jerk off my soft penis. It was fucked up. Yeah. Yeah, he like pulled back Well, here's the thing. I was seeing stuff suffers from almost hidden penis He does borderline hidden Hidden penis is a spectrum. So he's got like the Asperger's if he's got chronic chronic Yeah, right. My dick just has trouble making eye contact. Sometimes. Yeah, he it's not that he can't fuck It's that he can only fuck model trains and vacuums

I've never put my penis in a vacuum Insight in a vacuum I think once when I was like 11 Oh, yeah, dude, I almost did only because the doofy. That's what I was gonna say Yeah, after doofy I did some exploring but I got scared at the power of the vacuum No, I was afraid it would suck my dick off that if that fake retarded man likes it Imagine trying to write that character now I'm just talking about this shit. He's just like You know my room is a retarded guy with a boner. There's no room for scary movie on the left

Prominent leftist movie, scary movie. He's just a mentally retarded man. He sticks his penis in a vacuum cleaner I love that the Wayans brother's character is just a gay guy who is the way he fixes it is making his girlfriend dressed like a man Yeah, so he can fuck her dude. The world used to be so much funnier I was a great movie, dude. Yeah, all of them were fucking hilarious. I was a scary movie for those like deep into them where What is it? He died right after making it Leslie Nielsen Nielsen. Yeah, he was a scary movie for I think so. Yeah, you think of the superhero one No, it's either him or Lloyd Bridges or one of those old guys that used to be a serious actor the transition

He was just doing like a parody movie. He was just falling over and hurting his penis His character like runs over aliens in the movie and and then he just goes You know, it's like the aliens like dead on the ground and he's like hopefully we don't have to settle this through insurance He just puts like $40 It's just like probably the funniest amount of money that you could offer somebody for running over them with your car It's like enough money that it's not like so obvious of like a fuck you but it gets it's sort of Yeah, but you just like it's not gonna cover anything. Yeah. Yeah, it's like it's so funny and it's such a dumb throwaway joke I remember that just making me laugh. So I was a huge Leslie Nielsen fan all the all the

Naked naked guns. I I don't know if I've told this story, but like the first time I The I was throwing that movie on to Netflix and chill You know, which was fucking the naked gun. What's that Netflix and chill? Uh-huh explain it So anyway, I'm different and come up with that. Yeah, it's a brain. It's a brand-in-advented Netflix yep Imagine someone having like a nervous breakdown people. I'm the inventor of Well, there is some woman who's like I came up with on fleek and it's on her like Twitter bio and she's got like Oh, yeah, the black lady like eyebrows. Yes. Yeah, and

She says it. She's got a pilot with Kami central. No, you know, I kind of feel like you should get something for it For it's pretty cool to come up with the idea. I excuse me. I don't know words and it accidentally became a thing Huh? She's like she thought it was a word and she just said it. Yeah, she gets some credit They gave her the barstool slot on the SPM. Yeah, I remember that I used to see on Twitter the woman who's like son was A meme I don't want to like blow. Oh the baby the little yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, and her old thing is like mother of the you know, the baby from a meme or whatever. Yeah, it's like that That's your thing is exploiting your son Fortune for vine was very funny though. The little white kid. Yeah, I don't know what he was about

Which is why did why did they mean him so much? Why would you want your child on the internet that much? I feel like all those kids are gonna be fucked of course. It's fucked the fucking David after dentist is a heroin addict. Do you see this? He was a heroin addict already already. Yeah, they're making fun of this kid on smack Yeah, the dentist is what they would call it Because he paid it by taking his gold teeth out. Yeah, get him on heroin. Oh, I got a cat I Have you guys ever fucking had like coming out of like some shit like that like taking those

Joe, I wasn't you pulled out. I remember one time I surgery to try and fix when I was pissing too much they poked like something in my dick and And I came out of that is a magnifying glass. No, yeah, it was a whole It was a giant no no you said my magnifying glass and yes magnifying glass was in my dick because my dick is big You yeah, you've had something stuck in your dick I don't know. There was like some kind of like thing in the blockage of my dick tubes somewhere And they like put they stuck something in my dick to try and unblock it and I would they put me up There's a skittle

I thought maybe an M&M, but I figured that would have melted So as suspected it was in fact a skittle I don't know how many times you have to tell you this mr. Alcus you can't eat candy through your penis So is this gonna be covered by insurance or no because we warned you and you did it anyways I put a whole twizzler in my cock and it got stuck and they had to unblock it and forgot about it and you're like I don't know why I can't I'm trying this new diet. I'm starting my life over. It's called shove candy in your dick instead of eating it So this is gonna turn it all around It's putting candy my dick, but yeah, I came out of that and I was I was fucking acting weird as shit, dude

I was talking about fucking the nurses and shit My friend Josh was there. I was embarrassed. Wait, hold on. How are you acting weird? I'm not saying how this is abnormal behavior for you to I was like talking extremely sexually explicit towards Any woman it was rude. I'm not rude. I don't say I had a I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy at the same time That's gonna be it's like through your throat and through. Yeah, he got he got you got repeat They're like normally we can't do both but it looks like this procedure Well, what happens is when something goes in Adams ass automatically his mouth goes open

They put me under they put me under it. I can't call it the Friedland reflex And my dad was there and I yeah, what that was what was in your mouth your father's penis I remember I was naked and my penis was just out like on the table. That's hilarious. My dad walks in. I was like, okay, dad You see my dick I was like, can you it's my dick? He was like he's like you get it together It's like not amuse. Anyway, so a couple months later. I'm walking to class and I get a call from my parents and they're like What do you do? I'm like, I'm walking to class

They're like go to the doctor go to the hospital right now and get it as an HIV and hepatitis Hepatitis B and C test and I'm like, what the fuck you talking about on the front page of the news in Vegas This that Adam Friedland has a breaking news Lost Vegas, New York time The place I went to What there was a there was like an outbreak there were reusing needles and shit And then there was like a yeah hepatitis C outbreak. I love that your parents said they're like our friend has a hospital

And they're like, you know how we could save money It was an Indian doctor he got the fucking shit suit out hell. Yeah, dude. My boy Sanjay Copping them nickels and dimes. He got the shit suit out of him and I didn't fuck on you just use the same needle Okay, you know, it's good Take a lighter and yeah, it'll sterilize it. Yeah, I got I did I got my wisdom teeth taken out And like I was all fucked up when I came out and the nurses were like, yeah just try to eat soft things like Jella or whatever and I was like

Jello because You know, I just couldn't put something in their drink. Yeah, well, yeah, this is before all Yeah, no, I was just making myself laugh with this horrible Bill Cosby impression and like no one was amused Yeah, I'm glad that's my instinct. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah coming out of the voice of medically induced death Impressions I got my tonsils out when I was a kid. They put me under to in South Africa I was living there. Oh shit and land down under baby. Yeah, I went down under it got the tonsils out And then like the outback the first time you try to talk after you come out You just it hurts like it's like knives in your throat get a Vegemite sandwich

I and then like when you're a little kid is but I start crying and I couldn't like stop crying because like I'd make a Sound from crying but then it would hurt more. So I'd want to cry more because I just remember it being the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced worse than the rape in the in the worst than the rodeo When I started the doubt if you could if you could stay in Adams ass for seven seconds out busting They give you the hat My ass is they compete for at the rodeo. They call my asshole the bucking Bronco. Very nice Yeah And that is why we're the leading podcast

You already said that shut up. It's a callback. You've been waiting for to say that you thought that was gonna be such a cool thing to say Fuck I found Nick's list of cool things to say. Yeah, you plan dude Oh fuck, uh, so Bobby Dana knows my friend Bobby Bobby told me this story about he had this roommate one time That sucked and I wish I could remember all the details because the whole story is so funny but he had this like roommate that he fucking like didn't like and He went through the guy's shit one time or the guy was moving out and he found this guy's journal and in the journal He had like a list of things written down that Bobby had said Like and but they would but then the list was titled cool things to say

He was like repeating things that he had said but he'd saved it in list format like say say this this sounds cool Oh, no, dude, that's brutal. Yeah, I know that it's like if Adam kept a journal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Adam just has a better memory than that guy. Yeah, I have a beautiful mind. It's true. Thanks. Stop. No problem, dude I Told the story about my old roommate John in the podcast before that was the that was the weirdest roommate I ever had That guy was funny. Yeah, he rules. I Fucking you want, you know, I had for dinner today guys. What didn't you already described that when I was answering On Saturday now we got Sunday Monday. It was a healthy dinner, dude

Your boy had fucking chicken thighs, but I had him I fucking I fucking Marinated them for out for two days chocolate Dude some fucking chicken some fucking squash fries, that's my new shit I cut up squash like fries. I put them in the oven. This is gonna turn it all around. Yeah, that's some fucking Brussels Yeah, I guess the key to weight loss isn't you know limiting what you eat It's eating a shit ton of food from the produce section and pairing it with it. Well, it's not obviously Butter is olive oils. Yeah, I did use a nice amount of olive oil

It's a fire stick of all natural butter. Yes part of my new weight loss journey Yeah, where I continue to talk lovingly about the thing that's destroyed my life. It's all I had I'm quitting heroin by Using clean needles and just getting the best What they do with heroin by the way you go from heroin to the other shit What's that your method? No, they put you on Suboxone Which just like makes you like not respond to opiates or some shit. Damn. Do they have that for food? No, I want that

I'm a fucking prisoner, dude. I love food so much. What's the what's the drug? They give you if you're a fucking drunk that if you like drink while taking and just make sure what is that? Yeah, it's like and and and abinol or and I was watching a John Wayne movie recently And he like made some old country version of that for Dean Martin Dean Martin every time he tried He's drunk every time you try to drink you throw well pilgrim doesn't he only say pilgrim in one movie? And that's like his goat his go-to thing. He doesn't the impression of him. They do the whole pilgrim Well pilgrim. Well pilgrim. Yeah, he played the Chinese guy. I think we talked about that Which one was that Charlton Heston? Heston played the Chinese guy. I'm sure one of our early bits. Yeah, Chinese

Charles, yeah, I love that one. They loved it me sucky sucky What other Wait did Asians was that you know, this could be a real All those Charlie Chan movies with what's his name? We should watch the Jackie Chan movie come on new one this weekend Let's go see I'm about to get movie pass, dude. Let's go see anything. Let's see the foreigner if your dicks are big We'll see the four. I've already told you. I was I Pitched it for last I recall correctly. I

Apprised both of you to the the new Jackie Chan movie Situation and I pitched it as an activity last weekend and we didn't do it. Huh? You said no, let's go for a bike ride And then I got sick So you're still riding that bike stop. Yeah, I'm still riding it. We got to do the podcast this weekend, too Yeah, I guess Gerbie is harassed us into who is Gerbie. She's a girl in Portland. Yeah, she's just some Twitter person Fuck you now everyone asks we have to let him do it. No, she's no, they have to have mental illness and be really fucking annoying If you want to get on this show, you really got a fucking Do you understand what you've just done yourself?

You really just got a really limiting Ask me relentlessly for months and months on end and then do a go fund me to come out here It wasn't a go fund me. She's a telethon on whatever happened to telethons, dude. Dude. I was actually I want to cure it all the retarded kids They don't need any more money for retarded kids. They solved it Jerry Lewis did it Jerry Lewis doesn't need a friend Jerry Jerry Lewis. He died because the last kid hi I'm Jerry Lewis, and you know me from pretending to be retarded this comedy for years Anyhow, there's real retards. You need money and if you call in now We'll give you a tote bag that you can fill with helmets or soft things for them to touch maybe a carpet sample

You know the The end of a beautiful woman's hair The farmer's daughter perhaps we're a puppy dog Fuck I told you in a while. I told my grandma one time. She was watching like the 1936 version of Of of mice and men. Yeah, I was like, yeah, you know in Steinbeck wrote the book It was actually supposed to be like a warning about the dangers of the mentally retarded The time people were really starting to come around about people with intellectual disabilities as it not being you know a curse from God

you know a sort of an in limbo for souls on their way to hell which was contemporary medical thought up until The publication of the book and Steinbeck was opposed to that and my grandma's like, oh Yeah, yeah, I always wanted that I couldn't ever find a good picture of Steinbeck next to a typewriter But I want to like just so the Steinbeck and a typewriter and then a stack of papers for his first draft Manuscript for his new book the dangerous retard Oh Well, that was a working title was

The dangerous retard Lenny dude. Mm-hmm That shit was sad when Lenny died dude. Yeah cap his ass George. I could do it. Yeah, I did Why do you cuz he accidentally killed that lady who cares fuck yeah More like bold yellow, you know, right? Who's the guy in mice and men where he like? Oh, yeah Is that the one that wanted a he's bold? Oh, he wanted to touch that woman's hair. Is that the one with the guy had his hand in a glove? He wanted it to be pretty for a girl. Yeah, you wanted to have a beautiful hand. He wanted to keep his fingering hands clean Yeah, it was like a low he put like lotion

I'm getting fingered at like the 30s. How dusty everyone's hands were in shit. Yeah dust bowl fingering was Back in Oklahoma in the 1930s. Yeah, no good finger. Oh California every pussy was no, they went to California They're in California the whole time the dust bowl was I thought in the south and then they went to California It's Steinbeck. It takes place in California. I thought that they went to California to all the Steinbeck shit is Okay all of it Yeah, it was they weren't in the dust bowl in of mice and men grapes of brass and mice and men

We're not we're talking about the dust bowl and I said you said the dust bowl like a fucking idiot I said in that's the only thing we know for sure. He's borderline midwest. Yeah, actually First of all the dust bowl is what Adam eats out of the breakfast You want the real answer Good recovery Nick for my smart you were not smart bitch. You didn't know shit in this conversation Why don't you put your tiny million arms back in your pockets? Stop googling cuz you're not gonna get an answer the dust bowl was in Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Colorado, New Mexico It doesn't sound right to me. My dick, everyone. I didn't say the dust bowl wasn't I just said that they're in California

Dex is barely the South. I know they're in California Yeah, the South is like Kentucky and is wait. It was grapes a rapist in Salinas. I thought it is suck penis Yeah, maybe I'm thinking of East Aiden starts in Salinas That is East of Eden is yeah, what's the he wrote the book while he was writing East of Eden the the Portrait of the art or no, that's another that's Joyce. I Don't want to slip away. Anyway, I think you don't want to get any more confirming all of my shit. You were wrong, bitch I wasn't wrong Texas in the South. It's its own shit. Yeah, actually that is

Texas is not the South. It's its own shit, bitch. All right, that's part of Mexico. That's the South way That's what I say to respect my misdezo brothers and sisters that listen to the show the South if I got any if I got any Oh, any Zach De La Rosa's out there. They're listening the To come town, you know that I'm with you and saying that Texas excuse me. You mean Mexico Thank you. So yeah at California damn they call me in Mexico verbal the verbal banks exacty la roca coming through With some knowledge for your ass. You were a big fan, right? I still like raging Killing in the name that Nina still gets me to the saint and Maria Yeah, guess who's having a birthday party down at CC's pizza

That's a good classic lyrics My birthday by rage against the machine So raise your fists and march around just don't take what you need can I get some quarters so I can play need for speed? It's my CC's pizza birthday party and I'm Zach De La Roca Afterwards, we're going to Starbucks. I can get a Frappuccino Wow, I'm only a beat down for me for some reason I've never been a big fan of rap But now that Nick said that rap I think I might be coming around absolutely. Yeah, Keith Overman is my biggest fan Damn Donald Trump. Why don't you drink pee pee?

Yeah, listen to me me. Oh, that's what Eminem stands for is me me just like you and your ego You can go fuck yourself. We all agree. That was bad, right? I don't even listen to it. Yeah, it looks horrible Eminem thing. Yeah, of course. You didn't you listen to it. I could not get through the first 30 seconds The awfully hot coffee pot. Yeah, it's brutal stick it on Donald Trump Yeah, man, it was like go back to talking about Christina. I go back to Africa Eminem Get your fucking ass back to Africa All right, I gotta go to fucking sleep. Yeah, we got it in this. Yeah, it's 1230 a.m. I want to say I went up to Dana my old friend. Yeah

Um, yeah, thanks guys. Yes, thanks to the listeners too. Thank you. All right you Adam. Good night