The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 76 – How do you spell halowen

Episode Date: November 2, 2017

halewen. how do you do it

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to remember our friend, our colleague. He made us laugh, he made us cry, but now he's gone. And this is what our podcast is now. Are you talking about the guy from the terrorist attack yesterday? Yes. RIP. I'm talking about Nick. Oh, is Nick dead?

I did the terrorist attack yesterday. It's a spooky episode. Halloween's over. Yeah. And Christmas has just started, right guys? Yeah, Halloween was yesterday. It just... When's Hanukkah?

Is it one of those sneaky early Hanukkahs this year? I don't know what it is. Last year it was on the same day as Christmas, which I thought was... Puh. Puh. Disrespectful. I thought it was disrespectful too. How are you gonna mock?

That's like OJ's birthday being on Nicole Brown Simpson's birthday. I believe they have the same birthday. It's like OJ throwing a big party when it was Nicole's birthday. Like the first year after she died? Exactly, yes. Yes. Like having a birthday party. Exactly.

Yeah. Having a celebration. For Ron Goldman. How dare the fucking Jews? I was watching that Chris Rock bit the other day. Which one? About OJ. And he's like, if some guy was riding around in my car with my wife, that was a...

You couldn't do that, Joe. Chris Rock does have some problem, like some bits that are funny as shit, but would be... He would be definitely, like today he would get, you know, tumblered big time. Oh yeah. Well, now it's moved on from speech and it's like inappropriate touching, which I feel like should have happened before. Right. Right.

We kind of scaled it. Like all this Daniel Tosh bullshit that happened and it's like, and another thing, Harvey Weinstein raped 40 people. It's like, okay, well maybe I wouldn't have had to have a culture war for the last four years if you started with the rapists and then went after people. I mean, I still wouldn't be on board with going after fucking... It seems like the priorities are a little... But you might have been tuckered out after going after the rapists, you know?

Listen. I wouldn't have defended the rapists. I mean, they, the culture, like the SJW has maybe been a little tuckered out and maybe left us, let us do jokes. Yeah. So, in case you guys haven't been paying attention or reading my newsletter that I send out, I will be leaving the show permanently to be replaced by Jamie Kilstein, who's offered me a buyout actually.

Really? He's paying me $50,000. I don't really think you should agree to this, Nick. Yeah, man. I don't know if this is a good idea. Can we veto? No. Please?

You're going to make us hang out with that guy? I'm not going to make you do shit. You're free to sell your positions to whoever you want. All right. I'm going to sell to Lindy West. God damn it. I was going to say that. Lindy's not, Lindy's not bad now.

This is going to be funny because I called the Kilstein thing. Right. I think months ago. Uh-huh. He switched up. Lindy's going to have some kind of medical issue, right? And then she's going to get fucking lap band surgery and lose like 300 pounds. And then she's going to turn her very saggy back on the fat community.

That's the next one. Should I get lap band? Are you fat enough? Don't you have to be a certain amount? Do you think I'm plenty fat? No. If you went to the doctor, they'd be like, yeah, but you're fucking bald and your teeth are fucked up.

Really? Is that how that works? Yeah. If you're not going to be sexy, they don't let you get lap band surgery. The doctor's like, you will never be the trustee. But I'm like, doc, don't I have like a thing going for me, wouldn't you say? Yeah. I mean, you could get plugs, you could get porcelain veneers.

Yeah, exactly. Dude, I'm going to get a bag and fix my teeth, Cardi B style soon, dude. Oh, yeah. That's not like, I mean, that's like a medical necessity. This isn't like a cosmetic thing. You have like a- No, it's cosmetic. Is it alive or is it dead? No, it's just fucking- Your tooth is rotting out of your fucking head.

No, you motherfuckers. It's a root canal. It's just, I got it done by some guy for $30 in Golden Ring Mall, the Golden Ring Mall picture. I don't know what it is. It's a parking lot across from a shitty mall. There's some dentist my mom knows that just does. If you go there and you wait all day, he'll fit you in between like paying customers and

you just get like the shitty in between. Like I was there for eight hours and he fixed my tooth. $30 barely covers like the toothpaste. I know, but that's what he paid, that's what it cost, it was wild. So it looks like shit, but it was either that or the guy on the Upper West Side went to quote me $8,000 to get a total fucking implant. Well, there's a world in between like a dentist that operates out of like an old rena center and the dentist of the Upper West Side.

I know, but those were the only two I went to. You go to dental school, you know? I'm scared for students, dude. They don't know what the fuck they're doing. No, you just got a dentist out there. How are your boy? You think so? Yeah, they're millennials.

You're doing great. You need to give them a participation trophy. Oh shit. They're not millennials anymore. Millennials aren't in college anymore. Yeah, we're old. What are they? Generation Z.

Think about those kids we hired to shoot that stupid video. They're not millennials. I mean, they're they're millennials, but at the low end, barely like look at the fucking. I don't have anything in common with them. Yeah. I mean, they're cool, different language, Mandarin Chinese. Yeah, they were Chinese. We hired a bunch of Chinese fish heads out of the garbage.

Yeah. Classic millennials. I think Chinese millennial JP told me a fucking hilarious story about being in an open mic and there was some X NYPD guy. Oh, yeah. He was like, yeah, I was I was a 9 11 first responder and he thought he would get a pause, but it's an open mic. So no one's even paying attention immediately.

He goes, you fucking Millennials are a bunch of cell phone computer douchebags. Yeah, dude, I like working with JP. How much? Yeah. Yeah. Love that guy. We should get him back on the pot some time. That tall piece of shit.

Yeah. Slap him around a little bit. He's set it back to earth. He's a walking stick. He is a walking stick. He's a big old boy. He's a walking lick. His coffee tastes like shit.

Would you make it? Would you brew it yourself? I mean, it's a currig. I thought you had a currig. I have a single cup currig that I have next to my bed. So you have coffee immediately when he wakes up. Right. Really?

Yeah. Why don't you get an espresso instead, dude? Them shits are cool. Those are expensive. Really? How much they cost? I don't know. Hundreds of dollars.

Nespresso. You just bought a fucking cruising USA console basically to have in your house to play. Yeah. I mean, that's like a game. Of course. Addiction first thing in the morning. I mean, it's a stupid toy that I get to feel dumb about spending the money on. Yeah.

But don't you drink that espresso? You feel good every morning? Nah. I already did that with the Vitamix. I'll do one dumb purchase in each category. For life or when does it roll over again? I don't know. When the podcast fails.

I don't have money anymore. No. Every year. Every year. Wouldn't it happen every year? Don't you get a new dumb... Yeah. You need to write it off on your taxes.

It's the fiscal year. Yeah. Every fiscal year, you get a new kitchen thing or a new... Yeah. I'm just going to have to fly a lot. You can really work up the, or rack up the write-offs by just not knowing how to book shit through Expedia and having them select the next month for your return trip. Oh, no.

That happens to me literally every time I use fucking Expedia. Why, bro? Well, they have their pick your first date and then it's like the 18th and then it's like, and your return trip. You're like, okay, the 18th to the 21st. You have to like make sure that you go and hit back on the second calendar because it's just going to assume you're spending a month out of town. That's never happened to me once.

It happens to me literally every single fucking time I use Expedia's website. I use Google for it's pretty good. Yeah. Always Southwest is the cheapest one. You track it. You see whatever. And every time... I just fly JetBlue exclusively.

Southwest doesn't go to South Africa though. Oh, shit. Look at this one. Yeah. I just booked big time. South Africa. Yeah. Yeah.

JetBlue is the best goddamn airline. You like the blue Tara chips? Well, first of all, they let you just fucking take shit out of like that. You can go into the fucking stewardess area and just take shit out of the fucking covers. Whoa. That makes sense to me. Really? Yeah.

After they walk through and they're like, do you want a drink, sir? Do you want a snack? They're like, our concessions area is now open and you can just fucking walk like go into those like astronaut cabinets and fucking pull out snacks and I just stood next to the bathroom just eating bag after bag of chip, you know, instead of fucking word to me. Yo, were you the only guy abusing that shit? Of course. And first of all, it's not abusing.

Like do you pay a premium for that service? I suppose. I would expect more fat people to be doing it, but they're ashamed. Their first class is insane too. JetBlue first class? They have first class? Yeah. I thought it was a budget carry.

It was like all economy. No, it's spirit. No, their first class is like... Southwest too. It's one seat per row that reclines all the way back. Do they have the little like mesh screen? Have you ever seen those? Sometimes they have like a mosquito net looking thing and you just go right the fuck to sleep.

They don't have one of those, but I mean it is like it's like a deep... But a full seat. Well, yeah, a full seat that goes... Oh, it lays completely flat because there's two people and then one person. So it's staggered. So... Beautiful. Yeah.

And then also here's a hot tip. You're flying JetBlue or any airline really, never select your seats online. Go to the guy. Upgraded. Yeah. You just fucking don't select a seat, wait until everyone boards and then you say, oh, can I get a boarding pass? Because what happens is nobody buys those like economy plus seats because they're fucking

scam and at the end they just have them left over. Yeah. So you ask the guy at the desk. Yeah. I mean, if you select a regular seat, you're completely fucking yourself over. I mean, if you want to make sure you get a nice seat, then maybe spend the money, but like if you're not worried about that shit anyways, just never do seat selection. Yeah.

Unless you have like, you know, some dumb bitch wife that you're traveling and you're sitting next to her or some shit. Yeah. Fucking bitch. Which I don't do because I'm always on business trips. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

Having sex with boy prostitutes. And also we all made a promise to each other that we would never get married ever and we would be together forever. That's right. The three of us. I remember that promise. Whoever gets married with the other two kill him and then the other two get married. And then the other two have to get married.

That's true. So we're probably going to end up killing you at him because you're a fucking emotional bitch. For sure. I'm going to get married by accident and we're going to. I got a free tracksuit today. I'm very jealous. The same one I have.

Yeah. It's a hundred fifty dollar tracksuit. I got it. I got it. 100% for free. The Adidas Beckenbauer. I'm finally sponsored folks. The moment we've all been waiting for is for me to not only get paid way too much to

do the podcast but also to get things I like for free. We did it. I want to get free shit. Also somebody messaged me. I guess a robusto does indicate the size of cigar. It does. Yeah. They were telling me to.

I should. I should get into high end watches but that's that's not timepieces. Fuck that shit. Anybody. Yeah. Watch heads are fucking stupid. I want to get a nice if you got too much money you got to spend your money on dumb shit electronics god shit yeah you know what I'm saying you got to you got to do whatever

you can to make people who don't have the money not necessarily even really jealous of the money. Exactly. In my case I just buy sneakers my mom wouldn't let me get when I was a little kid yeah you know I got a lot of airs I got the up tempos in a couple different colors mm-hmm I just bought some weird Adam turn the air conditioner yeah I can't hear anything I bought some suck on suck on these suck on these so Coney's Coney's suck on these there used to be this wigger in eighth grade that used to call his so Coney's Coney's I remember and I had him

using the N word on the pod you can't believe you said you know I can't believe you said that about that black guy you went to school he was definitely white I saw you you called him Coney's you were saying the N word but you you stuttered because there's a bit of cum in your mouth oh yeah that is true yeah he had he was trying to he was doing a thing where he makes a little bowl with his tongue and he holds common and all day and then he was trying to say the N word it's a diet thing is it you get the calories you get two tablespoons of cum the whole day yeah but it's really hard to keep it like in a pool and your is it strengthening your tongue for eating guys asses later no it doesn't necessarily strengthen

the it actually exhausts my time yeah I can't really talk by the end of the day interesting yeah well we should have done this podcast later then huh well I'm just guys I gotta be honest with you I'm just focused on major league baseball right now the year for yeah game seven it was probably gonna start by the time we're done with the podcast yeah everyone will know what if it was happened it'll be so funny everyone will know tomorrow I will cry tonight from sports really for sure as a sport actually if they lose I won't cry if they win I'll probably cry I mean this is like literally what I've been waiting for has a sporting event ever affected you emotionally Nick I don't think anything's the last time

you cried I think we're gonna cry I can't remember even yeah it hasn't been for like ten years um no yeah I know yeah I definitely remember being drunk and then no I told this story I got drunk and watched Star Trek and cried the opening scene yeah definitely cried it up when he sacrifices his family yes I cried at some perks dad oh yeah yeah yeah yeah I cried at some baby content recently somebody with like like an Instagram so fucking cute I don't remember what it was you cried at a happy I was pretty yeah yeah I was crying thinking about like if I had a daughter you know I almost started crying earlier today when I was watching Yassil Pooig's Instagram live story he's so joyous he's such a happy

beautiful spirit happy to be at a Cuba or whatever incredible his Instagram was my favorite Instagram right after he defected from Cuba because he was like learning American culture so he would like just take pictures like with stuffed animals and be like yeah oh yeah like oh yeah minions like yeah he'd like take pictures like take pictures with like animals at the zoo and stuff he was like learning American culture through technology it was like really I love the shit immigrants love about America like elders is like they want like my my cousin love neither wanted peanut butter only one was jiff they got it there dude yeah my cousin from abroad always asked for cinnamon trident really yeah interesting they love big red

no they like cinnamon trident trident what about elders is elders his cousin wants Rogaine from albete to Albania and elders won't send it to him because the shipping is too expensive that seems like something they would want or need in Albania I need medicine to offset reactor juice I was exposed to reactor juice please my hair is fucked up my hair is so fucked up I need juice apparently in Albania they had like these like mountain tribes where you were allowed to be trans like you could be a woman that lived as a man I mean that's like that's not you need that that the other gender binary is yeah yeah I mean like lots of cultures have that but it's like yeah I don't know there's people that live in the

woods and like stick their dicks and piles of fire ants they always have a third gender that's like guy that's too much of a pussy to fuck the fire hang out with the children I guess pretend he has breasts sweep do those guys get fucked well certainly not by the fire ants yeah that's for the real men that's the good pussy that's fire you let a bunch of bullet ants bite your testicles and then you sit on top of a totem pole for six and a half weeks it's crazy to think but there are still tribes like deep Amazon deep Congo that have never had any contact with the outside world is that real yeah there's still like tribes that have never had sex and it's you guys yeah what that's true a tribe called

never had sex are you fucking kidding me well how could it be a tribe that you wouldn't be able to procreate that's my uh my rap group a tribe called never had sex your real work uh my is uh ju tang ju ju tang ju tang pun tang clan pun tang clan that's that's good because I get pussy as opposed to what you're not peanut M&M no no it would be pretzel that's my favorite one you guys are fucked with pretzel M&M's they're they're delicious they're bad all what anything that came after peanuts no the peanut butter ones are good pieces already filled that void I don't need you they're better they're better M&M coming around pretending like they invented Reese's they're fatter the show check this out M&M candy flavor

and then it's just Skittles that I wouldn't fuck with you know it was pretty cool we were doing blow on Halloween like three years ago and went to that party that had those like half dollar sized M&M's oh I remember that I hate like 19 that was the night that Tommy told us he just looked at the trans uh oh yeah that was also the night that you have a blue guy that guy fucking uh told us story about his friend that you know we're talking about those Hasidic hats the stupid oh yeah we got and this guy's like yeah my boy uh well boy got one of those and like uh they caught him and he went to he we got they charged with a grand larceny or something yeah they cause like $5,000 what do you mean

he got one of those and he was like yeah he was like riding his bike down the street and he fucking like just plucked it off one of those guys heads which the idea of a Hasidic guy like running down the street so stupid hat so good because if anyone deserves it it's them if they should be hate-crimbed but like like hate crimes sure like like pranks yeah they're bad people they don't have a sense of humor oh they're horrible drivers don't even get me started they exploit the system you know well fair and shit yeah but then to like personally enrich themselves and then exploit their you know the communities they live in oh for sure what about what about a fucking we do one of those like uh claw games

but it's a bunch of those guys with their with their hats we steal all their hats no they have to speed it's a big it's a big one of those claw games uh huh and they're all in there how about we block it from their heads we reroute the G train to a special camp where they have to go into they look like showers but there's actually gas that comes out of the ceiling whoa like fun laughing gas yeah okay and they all so that's so we teach them about laughter since they don't have a sense of humor we put them in that camp and they all yeah and we show them a like the ringer by Johnny Knoxville the best comedy ever the one where he pretends he's retarded retarded and we put laughing gas and then we cure them

of their humorlessness oh you know it's a great movie tropic thunder I was just talking about that today it's a really good movie it's a fantastic movie I pulled off the black face it feels a little weird when he's doing blackface I think it's cool you think I thought it was funny do you guys watch any Halloween movies no talk about whatever criteria and shit you're going to mention I watched a scary movie today yeah what's that the killing of the sacred deer I just got a movie pass so I can like I've been going to I go to the movies alone during the day it's really nice we watched Jacob's ladder well half of it last night was that Jacob's ladder it's like one of my favorite horror movies I've never seen it

it's like Tim Robbins is a transvestite from Vietnam that who has like flashbacks or whatever shit he's like just he just turns out he's in hell whoa shit which is kind of it sounds like trite and stupid but it creates like a really depressing mood that stays with you for like weeks on end damn just feel like shit after watching it damn that's sort of how I felt after I saw this movie today what it's really stressful yeah that Greek guy that made dog I feel like a bad patriot he's really good what's the first like what was your first Halloween costume you remember with your big Tracy Dick Tracy yeah I like it they got me like a yellow duster did you want to be yellow hat yeah I thought it was

sick I love Dick Tracy because the word dick I thought it was hilarious yeah I don't know if I thought I got it but yeah I did love it yeah yeah I mean I think I was like five yeah I was like four my parents made me a clown it's a little fucking cute birthday clown oh that's cute I look kind of like John Wayne Gacy actually it's kind of the same yeah the same paint without realizing it but it was cute I was like three John Wayne Spacey dude uh-oh same type of shit John Wayne Kevin Spacey what about you Nick I think just a skeleton hmm standard yeah did you go skeleton every year every single year what was the first one that you really fucking knocked out of the park that you were like I'm proud of this shit

um I think the worst I think the first like Halloween costume I wanted to be was probably sonic when I was like hell yeah and my mom sewed a sonic costume oh shit that rule did it look good yeah I mean yeah it's pretty good I mean it was like blue a blue sweatsuit with fins like attached that's tight though but yeah no it was pretty good were you the bell of the ball no no I don't remember there being a ball he didn't go to Halloween ball dude yeah no it's you and it's a bunch of older men yeah and they and it's a bunch of little kids and I remember as the best I feel like Sonic in his tracksuit yeah it's pretty good this is a very sonic themed tracks you can zoom around yeah eating some chili dogs

do you know who's a huge Sonic you know what that was that was code for it was gay code for you pull your dick out of a man's ass and it's covered in diarrhea yeah that's part of the homosexual agenda that was snuck into the sonic the hedgehog and the gold rings cock rings yeah you know that you know Miles has two tails why because it's a represents you got fucked in his ass twice okay so he's still new to the life damn for real yeah yeah well his name it's full name is uh Miles well T it was Miles Prower right but T which a lot of people think stands for tails that's why they call him that but it actually stands for trans oh yeah that's Sonic's friend trance trance powers what about the red one who's

he was knuckles knuckles yeah oh he had a bad attitude whole fist that's put his whole knuckle in your ass yeah I really can't extrapolate more weird shit out of Sonic is already pretty bizarre to begin with you know Michael Jackson was a huge Sonic fan really yeah and he wrote the closing credits to Sonic I want to be Sonic the best there ever was my name is Sonic everyone remembers this song yeah yeah yeah everyone remembers the Sonic song yeah well it didn't come out so like a couple years ago you're a cartoon you can't molest children being Sonic my friends will be for you remember Jackie Chan adventures Jackie Chan oh hell yeah they they brought Jackie Chan they're like come up with a cartoon he's like oh what if it's

just me yeah they're like all right fine and he's got a fat friend who's giant he's got an old his dad or something and I don't remember the show at all I just remember it was good ass show yeah it was Jackie Chan he has like a niece that he helps out precocious American niece with those Chinese speech impediment oh it's really like the niece and rumble in the Bronx that's where Adam you developed your crush on Asian girls is from this young Chinese girl and Jackie Chan adventures um yeah yes it is moving on yeah wait what but about your what about your how I want to hear about your Halloween costume that you were like because Sonic my I was asked to buy like Power Rangers stuff and like I was Hercules

one year that was pretty good the Kevin Sorbo one my parents would just put me in like scarves of my mom's and be like you're a fucking pirate hmm interesting oh yeah I was your parents choice to go into your mom's room yeah yeah my parents my friends always forced me to play with my mom's heels and then my dad's it's like the middle of May and his dad's like what the fuck is this he's like I'm playing Halloween it's Halloween dad I'm I'm I'm pretending it's Halloween so I can get candy and he's like good save why is the TV remote in your ass I'm playing the remote smalls fuck I was the Pillsbury dough boy oh that's cute it was part of my way of like trying to deal with fat yeah yeah yeah as a little kid I had

I was trying to like you know overcome it so I remember doing costume after fourth grade yeah I think I was like I think or and then for like the last three years I did Halloween it was always like just black hoodie and then like a screen mask right right yeah the classic like too old to do it but you still want candy type of shit I think last year I did it was sixth grade I had khakis black t-shirt red backwards Yankees fitted I was Fred yeah I don't remember middle school I remember when we were young as shit eldest dressed up there was remember your other rap name is bread durst that's good is he a rapper exactly yeah of course he is Fred Fred yes of course it's just one of those days when you don't want

to wake up everybody sucks everything is fucked you don't know why but you want to justify ripping someone's head off I can't I can't qualify no you can contact are you serious if you interact your life is on contract best bet is stay away one of those days it's all about the he said she said she said why do you guys suckers know that that flowed like wine listening to that album like two months I'm fucking that shit got stuck in the CD player in my car rip is someone's head off yeah dude you don't remember the song you did with your distance right now I'm dangerous right now I'm dangerous yeah that's a cool Fred let's do that again but can you not do that like Adam Sandler voice all right I'll try because right now

I'm dangerous put a little stank on it Freddie boy yeah yeah there's a girl in the break stuff music video some like tomboy looking I remember her shirt up and shakes her tits I remember really nice yeah yeah yeah she doesn't even have like particularly nice tits no just something about the way she does it and like the the duration of the tits me shakes that you can't help but think man I should track down that woman I should find out who she is and confront her as being the woman from the Limp Bizkit break stuff music video everybody's in that music video yeah I remember the guy from corn yeah Jonathan Davis well they were they went on tour together yeah they were like tour mates on what was that tour called called something

that's corn and Limp Bizkit 911 is never gonna happen yeah yeah it's gonna be 1999 forever tour oh yeah we're then Woodstock 99 yeah when everyone got raped whoa seriously in the mud we're watching that on TV I was at my cousin's house she had just given birth she was a former stripper nice and she hot I guess yeah nice why not till I said what's up we're watching Woodstock 99 on TV Woo Woodstock nothing like the spirit of Woodstock Hendricks the Limp Bizkit was basically Hendricks the new Hendricks yeah you know what I mean I felt like it was all a bunch of bullshit bands too who else is a Woodstock 99 it was like Vans Warped or shit yeah yeah before 99 yeah was that Jamerik why was there maybe

yeah yeah I feel like there's always like a black like yeah there's like a black band that's like I'm gonna I'm gonna become an RBDAC named Tertis A and it's T-U-R-D-I-C-E with an accent the family values tour that was the tour yeah ice cube it's ice cube incubus we don't embrace family values whoa that was ice cube right before he like made the like turn to just be like a dad in movies to be one of America's favorite comedic actors he was like the cool black guy that was giving them all credibility on that tour basically he had to say I'm gonna pull this car over yeah if you kids don't dammit we ain't going on vacation if you can't settle down if y'all don't want to sit down down there we ain't

going on vacation oh no somebody left ice cubes brain out in the sun ice cubes son now gets to be a damn actor yeah ice cube junior out there yeah he played ice cube in the in the movie yeah what's his name a smaller ice cube nice and ice cube was made in a smaller tray oh boy that's good I say crushed ice yeah yeah crushed yeah yeah and what a piece of hail from a hail storm maybe that might be bigger yeah from a small a small storm yeah more like a little sleep sleep I'd say if you want a good deal on a car by the way go down to Texas get a hail storm damaged vehicle really oh yeah well I mean they're fucking like completely fucked up for the engines good the cars fine it's just got some

kind of weird cosmetic should we go get where we talk about getting a van like a year ago I was talking about a boat all the time let's let's go down to Texas let's fucking dry let's take let's get plane tickets down there we drive our van back huh who's with me shows yeah we go to Austin we do some shows we like you we could do Atlanta oh this is a great idea boys we could do Charlotte North Carolina I had the worst show in my life I almost fought a banker in Charlotte yeah I was touring with Wham City the Queen City this place called snug harbor and no one showed up except one insane woman that was like a fan of theirs and she fought you no there's just some fat guy that was there and I was doing crowd work

and he was like fuck you and he like he tried to fuck it behind me it's pretty tight what's the worst you ever got heckled that was pretty bad I mean that guy was like yeah I've had people had to had to be like dragged out of show yeah me too really that's never happened to me and see that this guy was he was just like take your fucking shirt off back he kept shouting yeah yeah yeah I was in Philly and I was doing a bit about how the Constitution is bullshit oh I remember that that's a good bit and then fucking some guy was like wake up son and this is like the peak of like you know Obama's a Muslim right right right so I was like fuck you you old piece of shit because I like I don't like comedy's just at this

point even then yeah comedy's just like a job yeah so if you try to make the 20 minutes I have to work any harder it's not gonna be like hey we're just having fun here sir like I'm not gonna riff or whatever it was always like fuck you he's just go fucking for 100 years ago they'd be hanging from whatever yeah no they dragged him out of the show that's pretty good yeah but you know I've had shit like that happen people scream and shit and they need to be removed I wanted to fight that guy dude I was mad but you didn't I didn't that's how the story ends I was at that place it wouldn't let me dude I was trying was that place in Petworth I was I'll punch the hole through the damn wall trying to get to Petworth

we'll talk about it during the break oh the break we'll be back well well well everybody it's break time and it's time to talk about underwear talking about Mack Weldon underwear the greatest underwear company in the world what separates Mack Weldon from the underwear companies of your well it's simple they believe in smart design premium fabrics and simple shopping I went online I got some Mack Weldon underwear myself it was very easy probably one of the easiest things I've done online at least morally you know to get over the guilt I usually feel and Mack Weldon is gonna be the most comfortable underwear sock shirts under shirts hoodies and sweatpants that you'll ever wear folks they have a line of silver

underwear and shirts that are anti microbial which means they suck the the odor out of your body and and and neutralize it and Mack Weldon they want you to be comfortable so if you don't like your first pair underwear you can go ahead and keep it and they'll refund your money no questions asked so not only do Mack Weldon underwear socks and shirts look good they feel good you know you can wear them while working out while podcasting while sitting around the house going to work I know mostly you don't have jobs why do you probably just in high school so I guess get your parents to buy the fancy underwear for you and they can do that by going to Mack Weldon dot com and using promo code come town C U M T O W

N to get 20% off it'll make a great Hanukkah gift for all of our listeners out there thanks guys Mack Weldon dot com and we're back it's all about sucking fucking pussy hell yeah hell yeah ah limp biscuit that's what that's what the ladies call my cock a limp old little biscuit I thought I thought it was about when you dunk a a cookie and tea drink while you're having oh that's what I thought yep okay that's when you put your dick in a pussy soft that's I assumed yeah that's what it was I've been soft for you I've been soft dick and girls that's a really terrible feeling oh my god when you're just grabbing it at the base and pretending it's hard you're trying to get the fucking stiffness at the top oh that is

a terrible feeling I'm not a man absolutely maybe it's actually homosexual if you could you just get two popsicle sticks and like splint it you know what I mean yeah yeah we'll only ever really happen to me when I was like really fucking drunk yeah I mean it happens when I'm drunk yeah but I don't drink anymore so that's like so you're you're you got that rock hard yeah I've never had that problem is like a sober person even when I'm like completely fucking yacked out really yeah interesting I can get a boner on from that but I can't it takes me a while to come yeah take me I actually that's probably my experience with like uppers too is like I just get takes me I could I could get hard but I can't come

no I remember I was saying Adderall in college for a while like during finals and I the boners would be 75% it wouldn't be nice strong oh maybe that's trapping I'm gonna blame the Adderall yeah I've had some bad showings I think it's not good for boners I put up some bad numbers recently yeah it's a what is it that that's that's so that's a that's so dilator I mean whatever the one that constricts your blood it fucks your cock up yeah I didn't know that yeah I think there's gotta be something that would fuck my cock up yeah I need all the help I can get bro I just remember I jack off like at like 60% or 70% I've been jacking off kind of not at my foot by my best potential I mean I'm like I don't care I don't have to

show up nice for myself what if I get what if I get yeah I mean that's the way of fucking that's why you know you don't get better at fucking why you treat you treat jacking off as practice yeah did you practice how you play everything in my life is as practice for you know that's what the Navy SEALs do live ammunition on the fucking training somebody dies fuck him he's a wash out too weak you know send his fucking his raped body back to his family what that's right we're fucking him after he died you know let let a mommy and daddy know that your little Tommy didn't have what it takes to be a U.S. Navy SEAL at least part of him was in U.S. Navy SEAL I don't know how many people is in his ass I left

a little signature on his body you got a couple of medals if you know what I mean a lot of two SEAL team six guys just murdered an Army Ranger in Africa no chill yeah yeah I heard about that that's some fucking that's some like action movie I guess it proves what we all kind of knew Army Rangers sort of pussies I'm kind of torn because I'm I belong to both those groups yeah they just hit me up whenever they need well as an international mercenary this outranks all of them yeah international mercenary I used to be with the special operations group at the CIA mm-hmm but then I got promoted past that to allow to murder anyone in the world at any yeah oh black water no past black water plasma I'm a double I'm Dr. Manhattan

I'm 0069 for England I'm like 69 for England I'm like James what do you have to do for them I'm basically James Bond you have to just like you have to fuck Halle Berry and I'm Jeremy Piven for Montarach yeah he just got allegation he did I mean that's not surprising is it well by Lloyd it was it was Lloyd he spoke very rudely to me I don't like it Jeremy I remember my cousin of me one time my uncle had like an office for a while and he had like an assistant mm-hmm and the assistant was this guy Alvin or something I forget what his name was I mean my cousin was like eight theater so we thought he was like just a cool guy you know because he had like tattoos or whatever and he wore tight shirts yeah oh

yeah and then we went on on Alvin's computer one time and like you know like the fucking like search history comes up and it's like guys sucking each other's dick about it and we were like haha he's fucking gay like showing my uncle and he's like that's none of your business damn dude yeah I saw that story ready about that guy Brian in college who has a life size yeah night is the answer is for guy sucking dick but he's not good but he's not gay for the first time ever but he's he's also not gay too straight guys he'll bounce right back to straight heterosexuality after this I think I saw on Facebook he's married to a woman to a penis to a severed penis he's just gonna have a great life where you just watch his

gay porn for 60 years he's definitely cheating on his wife with men for sure probably yeah my man's great guy gets off on not on being not gay yeah yeah that's like a weird orientation that people just can't like process is like some people don't need to come out of the closet they feel better pretending like they're not gay and secretly that's their sexual orientation that's the only thing on the down low and it's you know I'll tell you what it's being stolen from the black community by your friend that's right absolutely it's not my friend but yeah not a friend oh after after you know he was a guy that he had a secret agreement with yeah yeah he's my friend's roommate you guys just hang out like every he was a half

no he was a total prick he was like he was a huge asshole I mean he was a mage and Adam and wouldn't call him back also like my friend found he like went on his computer to use you porn and I'm like that's weird that you're watching porn on your roommates early days of you porn I thought that's how we found of homemade porn was like so cool when you porn first came out mm-hmm I remember jacking off to like a video of like some like extremely thick Turkish woman taken on like some shitty cell phone video and it's just her walking around but she had such a huge ass mm-hmm I thought was unreal yeah homemade still is nice like it was like 240p yeah yeah all shaky can't can't tell where the nipple and the

fucking ariola right difference you know it's all one brown part yep yep yep you know the dick looks like I don't know it's not well-defined yeah I get it what's what's have we talked about Japanese porn before in this show yes yeah the bird the cocks out we got nothing else to talk I beat off to a porn where it's like a cam girl fucking a delivery man and I fell for like I feel like it's real I know it's not but she was on I like to spend my disbelief yeah yeah and she like but the guy was all nervous I kind of bought it you know that's cool yeah thanks that's sort of your dream when you're a delivery man yes with some hot girls gonna want me to fuck her on cam and then it's like you know you get shot

in the neck by a 13 year old black kid and then you just sort of die in the parking lot of project housing while trying to earn your 475 an hour from Papa John's and then your family is compensated by the pizza company at all because they make millions and millions of dollars to hand over to lawyers to prevent them from any kind of liability when they catch up to Papa John saying kneeling during the NFL is what caused this shitty fucking company to lose money yeah dude what if he has to be fired as a CEO he's crazy I imagine a fucking like if I were a fucking shareholder and the CEO of the company after like an enormous law was a 11% fucking drop in the stock price goes out in public and makes a fucking comment

that's regardless of like no matter how fucking right you are you have to be able to analyze and say like yeah this is going to be a divisive statement right that is not good for the company to say anything other than like yeah you know well we got some different things we got to try or like you know the market shifting and it's like deliver I mean everything's delivery now through seamless and we've got like a bunch of new ways that we're trying to get people excited about pizza again and to fucking go out and say oh no you know what the problem is the Coons not bowing to the flag the queen flag that's the problem is you know he's a huge drunk and he's a huge tea party guy yeah yeah he's the he's the like definition

of a loose cannon well I mean it's the politics aside that's such a such a fucking shitty move for the head of a company yeah oh totally I love that drunk guys picture him at a Louisville game yeah he's just draped over his face is purple like just completely weird I realized today because both those stories have in the same time he looks a lot like Manafort oh they look very similar yep you know shots out to Papadopoulos yeah flipping on the whole squad yeah oh it was Trump just singing like my Greek brother he's gonna break see he's a he's a rat he's he's not actually bad he's an informant dude Papa he's been undercover the whole time I don't even know he existed nobody did he was some like low level yeah he's nothing

right yeah there's some other guy that they're talking about is flipping that I'm like I've never heard that guy's name before yeah I don't mean I don't need to know that you think anything's gonna happen probably not I mean that like Mueller and Diamond was rushed we talked about it but there's like this huge error in it where they name some woman as the former president of Ukraine and she was never president damn it's like in the indictment my man's got to do a little double check in there Mueller right which I don't know how big of an issue that anybody ever did this one Mueller Mueller Mueller right guys like the also they got they got fucking manifold on like tax evasion yeah it wasn't it wasn't

Russian collusion it's a rich guy doing the same shit every fucking rich person it seems like like oh wow you know he fucking he snuck money into the country to spend it's up almost a million dollars on rugs that was part of it that's swag yeah for his house I gave him whatever I really don't give a shit you'll imagine how fucking luxurious those carpets are though dude first of all I don't know anyone who isn't a fucking tax cheat you know literally everybody I fucking not a cheat but like you're always trying to get a way it's set up is you try and minimize the amount of fucking money that you pay it's a it's a weird system where everyone's like trying to get over on the government right whereas

if we just did a tax on I don't know something else what doesn't doesn't huckabee I remember I went to a huckabee rally as a bit in like the year 2000 or something maybe and he he said something about a flat tax or something you went to a huckabee rally as a bit 17 years ago I'm sorry not 17 years ago when I was in college whatever year that was he was at college 2008 when elders was a college park yeah and we just kind of went like because we thought it was funny and you went to university of Maryland for check this out Ernest is getting too fat to lick his own asshole now and he struggles and he gives up I feel you brother I feel you my fat brother there was a time in my life I was too fat to comfortably wipe

my ass are you serious yeah I had to I had to fucking go on like a bathtub and art and like put my leg up Captain Morgan style and get underneath it that's so fat I know I was fat as shit I was that was when I was like 330 that's so funny I hope you get that fat again no dude I'm wishing it upon I've been I've been trending down steadily look at this game this gross cat my dog in his eyes my dog's been eating her pussy all day long today for some reason me yeah it makes me look at Ernest oh Nick just kicked the cat wouldn't let him lick his own ass I'm making him do it in the other room I don't want to fucking licking his asshole directly and I don't respect I don't want to see this disgusting display

of auto homosexuality would you eat your own ass if you could auto homosexuality is what Jay Leno does are there women fuck your cars are there women and men cars yeah correct if you watch that documentary about people that fuck cars they do gender the cars interesting oh yeah yeah it's got that guy in there that fucked airwolf like snuck into the museum where they keep airwolf and he fucked it which airwolf is a helicopter from a TV whoa really fuck the TV helicopter you know who I want to get my dick sucked by is the magic school bus it has those fat lips imagine how good that would feel fucking it does have some big-ass lips yeah you just you're fingering miss frizzles red-ass pussy I would love to

fuck miss frizzle miss frizzle was was hot frizzle got that you got that lizard shoved up Carlos Carlos Carlos is rubbing your back and fucking making you mojitos and tableside broccoli nine nine fingers deep in miss frizzle damn I want to fuck leave the pinky out because as a stylistic flair that you can't take it but you got it you know you hold like a tea cup that's how you finger miss frizzle pinky out that's right dude two hands royalty yeah two hands both hands both pink prayer style and one out one pinky out and you're putting your nuts on the bumper of the magic school bus oh yeah winter so it's cold oh so it's they stick yeah so you have to pour a little warm water on him to get him off yeah yeah

it's got his rule on your nuts on stick your nuts I like that a lot I really like that oh damn if you're out there and you're fucking horny for the magic school bus just go ahead and jack off right at work if anyone comes over and ask you what you're doing one guy jacked off yeah just show them the show them the podcast you're listening to on your phone say I'm jacking off to the magic school bus you can't fire me it's actually an orientation that's right it's called the white version of being on the down low that's where you fuck you want to fuck cartoons what are some other cartoons that could get it you know her be the other cartoon car fully loaded yeah that could get it in terms of car cartoon cars

Larry the Kate the Larry the cable guy pickup truck and cars oh yeah yeah most of the most of the cast of cars mother fucker some cartoon characters are sexy like the brave little toaster oh yeah yeah well he doesn't want to just put your cock on their dick up in that little electric slot mm-hmm fucking horse got two pussies on it oh yeah dude oh yes and no women by the way no obviously Velma and the other one from Scooby-Doo we fuck I'd fuck that lesbian but that's not we're talking about anthropomorphic I'd like I'd like to take two hands right there and then while you're one hand you get a real tight grip on a Yago from Aladdin and then you position him over your dick and then you use the other hand

to slam him down oh yes as fast as possible I love that it's completely stuffed that bird over your with your cock just makes a little feather flies you know and he deserves on my coming out of his mouth oh yeah he deserves it you you fucked his entire digestive system into his beak cavity that's right that's how that's what I call sex oh yeah the robot from the Jetsons yeah you know I feel like she would have some kind of mechanical pussy yeah you think the Jetsons fuck they're made the robot mates probably right yeah it's their property yeah absolutely yeah wow um yeah bam bam's bat up my ass yeah Jim that giant fucking bat all the way up my ass put the short side up and then turn around real quick

and hit someone with my legs up on the dash and drive the car with my dick I just slapped my dick against the ground and make the car drive what gay a gay guy from the Flintstones instead of the ribs to eat them he just gets a big ass Brontosaurus dick and puts the whole thing in his ass oh boy yeah what are some other sexy cartoon characters um I mean that we we would really want to fuck no the bit is when people say you know you know some cartoon characters are hot like Jessica Rabbit right but then so not Jessica you fucking you see we were shifting no no no okay Tommy the joke is you say yeah fucking yeah some cartoon characters are pretty hot Tommy Pickles is a good one yeah grandpa Simpson can you imagine

just rubbing your dick all over that lumpy ass head I feel like reading Braille with your dick I'm trying to fuck Reptar dude I don't know about you motherfuckers that's double cart that's a cartoon in a cartoon yeah yeah that's true itchy and scratchy I want them to itchy my balls and so I call my nuts dude I got one I itch I got one I scratch no fuck you Ernest Ernest is drinking my water after licking his asshole for like 30 minutes well that's his water now yeah I've just been alphaed by Ernest it's gonna be great when you forget and drink that water too I won't do it yeah you will yes anyways I just watched Jacob's ladder again halfway through the other night pretty good never even see the twist no I've

seen the movie million times I haven't seen shit dude yeah I saw it theaters is probably gonna be the next Star Wars movie I don't I don't really have any interest in the story but I heard they're letting people jack off in the theater that's 5d dude yeah that's they already have 4d yeah which is like you know they spray shit on you now you get the spray shit on them yeah I think we said that on the last episode did we on 4d yeah 4d and then 5 yeah 5 getting rained on did we say that yeah some about 4d because 4d is time right but 4d movies you just get misted and it smells yeah sprays Lysol or whatever that's so fucking retarded so dumb 5d's you beat off it's $30 for each ticket I mean that's

how fucking much I max is I used to love going I max the sign you ever go to science I bet something that it's called guy max and it's guys only yeah okay and what do you do what do you free to do in that and we go into the theater and we just check out just sweet babes okay learn we're in bikinis so it gets me really turned on fellas a bikini women's clothes oh yeah wear and put them on put them on you know mm-hmm and then you look in the mirror you say I could be a sexy lady too mm-hmm would you fuck me I'd fuck me yep I'd fuck me so hard yes you don't know what pain is mm-hmm and then maybe you coax one of the other fellas to maybe you know play that part yeah maybe he fucks you yeah maybe they call

him Buffalo Bill in silence and lamps was he from Buffalo they never addressed that he loved chicken wings news from Buffalo so it's a double reason was that it yeah yeah they called him wing stop William shouts out the wing stop Rick Ross owns it he bottle of wild wings is the funniest goddamn restaurant he dressed his daughter's a lemon pepper wing by the way I'll say there's somebody Buffalo Wild Wings is like imagine if you were too dumb for Dave and Buster's yeah there's no games there's no games if you couldn't figure out the games of Dave and Buster those lander B Dub Dub's dude that's a quality place to go Dave and Buster's vibe but none of yes the same quality of food yeah none of like

the mental effort it takes to navigate a Dave and Buster I will say there has been a shift the wings are smaller at B Dub Dub they used to be juicy dude I went to a wing stop one time and there was this really big fat guy behind the counter mm-hmm and I was there with my friend Brendan who's like like one of the funniest people and the fat guy made the mistake of like enthusiastically telling us what his favorite wings were no and like I'd like knowing Brendan well enough I just sort of watch like the gears turn in his head knowing that he's like documenting every fucking word mannerism yeah this guy's putting on display yes so that he can make fun of it for literally months on it what were his

favorites you know let's talk shop yeah I don't even remember but I do remember laughing hysterically my friend's impression of the wind expert here I used to just eat the garbage outside but then they gave me a job fuck dude I love a nice wing god damn I was at the Arlington draft house today and there was a guy that was way too into working at the Arlington draft that's always sad when you see something like show Williams had a couple Sherwin Williams like lifers yeah like people are just like this is get out man he was just going around he's like her game stop employees yeah oh yeah the people that want to work at game stop and aren't just like yeah I had a kid when I was 16 so yeah this is my fucking life but

this draft house guy like Adam he was just like he like chastised like an older black woman he's like excuse me they just played a commercial sir my name is chastise if you go chastise me you better understand that that is also my name the chastise violence I'm sorry did not mean to disrespect you disrespect is my middle name this is my this is my son disrespect and my other son churlish churlish damn it disrespect if you don't act good we gonna turn this career or near I'm gonna turn this damn career or near do you remember substitute teachers like black substitute teachers will always say like I'm gonna write you up for insubordination that was the big one every single I also what is writing up is that just

like an administrative referral yeah I guess it doesn't mean those don't do anything yeah every administrative referral I got I you just go to the principal's office and they're like yeah don't do you would damn I just realized that it's holy fuck it worked on me my whole life I mean the smartest kids were the ones that just realized that in trouble meant nothing yeah of course not like oh what I can't do that oh we're gonna get it in truck they were smart they realize kids were the ones that went to fucking Harvard the whole power structure was built on a complete lie yeah I mean those were those were the kids that were like the matrix it's kind of the truth still even in the outside world you think like oh if I could

go back and if I knew the consequences were just attention or you know being suspended or something I'd do whatever the fuck I want but the reality is is like an adult man you can murder people you can rob banks you do whatever the fucking worst that happens is you just go to jail and then you could get you know sexually assaulted if you're a bitch yeah exactly right if you learn how to bite a man's penis off that's real liberty that's real freedom that's what George Washington wanted that's why I had those wooden teeth yeah when he chopped down that cherry tree and his dad strongest wood yeah and his dad said why the fuck do you do this he said I want to suck a man's dick to death in jail

I'm not scared and you know what and that's what the fucking athletes are kneeling to you know that's that's the story tell it tell it you know and in honor of that Papa John's is offering a pizza pepperoni pizza where we've we've aligned the pepperonis to look like George Washington sucking a man to represent the true freedom of Papa John's you know apparently we always see is the old George Washington young George Washington was like a sexy guy with red hair apparently old George Washington was sexy to fuck this Eddie no like George Washington was like super tall for the time everyone's like five he does was laying like six two apparently yeah you think I you think he only fucked Martha you think he fucked

someone else too come on he was definitely first of all fucking slaves his people that he owned humans that he owned and second oh yeah I think that's a myth dude I think that's a myth but you know no if you think about it all black people have founding father names is Jefferson or Washington or that's true Hancock was just a movie but I'm sure you could find another black guy named Hancock oh you think Hancock the superhero he can trace his lineage all the way back to the guy from the Constitution that signed his name biggest shit yeah he was real flamboyant that was Hancock's other superpowers good ass signatures yeah it's true he hit the most flamboyant signature Sam Adams a lot of black guys named

St. Paul these girls that's right yep Deandre Milwaukee's best you guys ever meet that guy he's pretty cool who are the other founding fathers Jefferson Washington Benjamin Franklin Maximilian Robespierre John Hancock George yeah he was one of them come on Adam this is your wheelhouse the founding fathers Bob Evans James Madison Pat Buchanan John Quincy Adams yeah the McLaughlin group what the Koch brothers dad issue one tonight on the group Jamie Kilsteen's rebranding as an alt-right guy good or bad Tony Blankley what do you have to say I think it's good yeah that's what he sounds like I think it's good my dick small it's me Tony Blankley all the way from Britain tiny Brit tiny Blankley take that

bitch some fucking old news guy I don't know at all yeah I love being stupid man yeah I'm just gonna keep getting dumber every year until I die I think I want them to bring back to the McLaughlin group and let sin bad host it I think that would be a great show who what's he up to these days who said oh I don't know getting an earring removed by a doctor because it fused with his load he's around how it's not the 70s anymore I feel like he's getting what was his act about I don't even think I watched it's literally all about the 70s how things aren't like the 70s anymore really but also really good comic yeah he's a you haven't seen any he's no he's legitimately yeah I watch his stand up it's a million fucking

times better than everything now I had to watch this somebody's fallen appearance the other day why it's like I don't want to go into it but it's just like I have just stand up isn't good anymore you know it's just not good and I think like is it because I'm jaded because I've like you know watched a lot of stand up and go back and watch old shit and it's great I think partially it is I mean I'm partially you're probably just like a little overloaded by we know just seeing stand up now but I mean I'm with you the vast majority of stuff you see is kind of fucking yeah I don't know it seems like there's way more stand up and there's no well that's certainly something I've complained about so I guess

since we redid we're done we're done on time but we should recap a couple of things that got lost in the episode that was deleted Jamie Kilstein is back he is now an all right guy yeah I was in I was wrong he he really didn't do anything I thought I want to watch the Rogan thing I thought he said he beat a woman but that was just a joke that didn't land or whatever what did he say he was telling some other anecdote about an African guy that well first of all he was making fun of African guy voice which whoa you're laying mother whoa let's get the fucking bats out bro yeah yeah let's pull up on Kilstein no he definitely doesn't pay for the patreon you know he's definitely how we could beat up Jamie Kilstein right of course

of course he's got like spaghetti test right yeah a little away like a hundred and fifteen pounds let's go fuck him up dude yeah for taking African guy voice um yeah so I guess there was that we talked about that the tears I got angry and then we ended up not really saying anything about the issue at all terrorist attack we had a couple of good riffs on that I think number one thing I pointed out was that it was he was stopped the truck was stopped by a short bus yeah that's true hats off to the driver for making the snap decision to put retarded kids in the line of fire and every single one of those kids also a hero yeah technically they're all wearing helmets I think you know but really only group of

people that hasn't done a mass shooting that's true it's mentally disabled yeah and their proximity to the mentally ill you know they get a bad rap mm-hmm but totally peaceful yeah in comparison and bad rap limp biscuit we tied it all together that's how you close your shell beautifully thanks guys