The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 78 – We couldn’t get ian

Episode Date: November 16, 2017

we were gonna have ian on to make fun of him but he was busy or something

Hollywood pedophile rings, something we haven't really discussed on the show yet, but hot item. Everyone's talking about who is fucking which boy. What boy is getting turned out, everybody wants to know. You think Drake and Josh got fucked? Yeah, I'm sure. Damn, one of them has a good career. Both Drake's. Oh, you think Drake is on the grass?

Oh, fuck. Who's Josh? Who's here? No, it's a Nickelodeon called Drake and Josh. No, I know. Drake bells doing well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Josh Peck.

Josh Peck definitely got fucked. He got fucked by a really funny, by the funny monster. Now he's hilarious. Yeah, you're not on mic, so there's no reason to contribute to the conversation. Brandon's in the room. We already covered all that shit. Yeah, so this one's going to be more personal. We brought in our friend Evan to interview him about how he's mostly fucked kids.

Technically, that's true. Technically, Evan is mostly fucked kids. The only person I have fucked that wasn't a kid when I fucked him is my wife. Yeah, because Evan got married young as shit. Oh, yeah. So all the women he fucked were children. I was a child as well. So what was the lowest age?

Seven. 15. Okay, that's fine. I was 14. Get in that ninth grade pussy in eighth grade. I was cool as shit. Hell yeah. What was that like, busting your first nut?

It was nervous and quick. It was New Year's Eve and Tom Green was on the TV doing New Year's. So you were listening to Tom Green's voice the first time you fucked? Nah, I couldn't hear his voice because Marilyn Manson was on it. So it looked like Tom Green was singing Marilyn Manson. Hell yeah, dude. Wow. That fucking rocks.

You're beautiful people. It was pretty sick. That was the song. I actually don't remember the song, but I know it was Marilyn Manson. Nice, Adam. What's the plan? When did you bust your first nut? When I was like 17.

Like right before I turned 18. Nice. We've already been dating. Yeah, we've all talked about this. All right. Well, just asking again. Well trod. I mean, really, there's nothing to talk about other than sexual assault.

Sex ring? Yeah, yeah. Because that's the news now. You're right. You know, it's funny. Literally, that's all news there is. It's like, you know, I see a lot of female comics being like, now it's our time. Now that we're getting rid of the, we're draining the swamp, now it's our turn.

But it's like, well, now if you write topical jokes, because those are off limits for you, you can't do rape jokes. That's true. After all that. Yeah. Good luck finding something in the news to talk about. Do you think when women are empowered, they will rape? Is that part of it?

Yes. I mean, look at Hillary Clinton. She does. Yep. She kills children and, you know, and fucks them. Pizza shops and stuff. Yeah. Right.

Evan gets it. Again, we already covered all that. I'm sure you had. I just, yeah, I was letting you know that I know. I don't know. I guess. What have you not covered? Is there a new one in this past week?

No, there really isn't. I mean, like we kind of went into all of them on this week's prior premium episode. Why don't we do some fun voices? No. I think that's a, we should find something to discuss rather than bail in the first two seconds. Oh, let's do fun voices. Let's do a fun voice.

What? Evan does good voices, dude. Buddy. All right. You know. All right. Let's find something to discuss and then we'll do fun voices. Okay.

We'll earn the funny voices. All right. Be a treat to ourselves. All right. Well, I guess Adam pointed out in the New York Times reviewed Louis CK's movie and it's not coming out. So there's really no reason to review Louis CK's movie. No, they reviewed it to say that the jokes felt terrible in light of the allegations.

Oh, damn. Yeah. That was kind of a, like trying to do a movie about a guy who fucks up much younger women or whatever. I think it's about a dad whose daughter fucks a guy that's a lot older. Right. Right. Right.

So it's sort of about the dad that's sort of the main victim. The main victim. Yeah. The man is the problem. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Louis is the victim. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That makes sense. I don't know. I think it's probably interesting. It's probably pretty good.

Is it ever coming out? Can we watch it? Maybe, but probably not. It'd be fun if you went back and look at Hitler's paintings and it's just like him fucking some Jewish person's face, you know, and putting a knife through their eyes. And they're like, the painting's good, but this isn't really art school. Technically, you're very skilled, Mr. Hitler, by the way. Have you ever looked at them?

No, of course not. I'm not a self-hating Jew that has weird sexual fantasies about Nazis. I don't have. I don't have. Look at Hitler's paintings all day long. Wait, just to be, you were never interested in what his paintings looked like. No way you were. To jack off to him?

To jack off to them. No, they're like, I don't know. They're kind of nice landscapes. Really? Average paintings? Yeah. Like a Bob Ross. It's an empty field, but the implication is that there used to be a town there filled

with Jews. That's how they killed every man, shipped off the women, and then burned the city to the ground, and paved over it with poppies. Nice trees. Planted trees. Nice. Hell yeah, dude. Bob Ross was in the military.

He was like a veteran. Special forces. Vietnam? Yeah, he was like a hardcore dude, and then he got into painting. All those soft TV voices were like snipers and stuff. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like Mr. Rogers?

Oh yeah, yeah. He was like, he was like, he was like American sniper. He was, what's his name? Something Kyle? Chris Kyle. He was Chris Kyle. Yeah, Mr. Rogers invented napalm actually, and he was the first one, he used to put it, he used to make Vietnamese children swallow it, and then he watched them burn from the

inside. No, Mr. Rogers wasn't in Nam. No, Korea. Yeah. The original Nam. Yep. The same country. Nam won.

How the fuck did Kim Jong just end up with, how did his dad or granddad or whatever end up with half of Korea? Shouldn't we have fucked them up? What do you mean? Because they wouldn't let MacArthur go north. I learned that from Rodney Dangerfield's back to school. Oh yeah. I'm a teacher.

That's where most of my tidbits come from, is back to school. I love getting my dicks off. You like that? That's Sam Kinnison. We got to the silly voices, man. That's good. Somebody eat my ass. That's my character Sam Kinnison, who likes to get his ass eaten.

That's also just stop set. Nobody has sex with me. But I'm cute. Thank you. About the breakfast. These are great jokes. Thank you for quoting them. Come see me, guys.

I'll be in Cleveland at Hilarity's December 3rd. I'll be headlining Sunday. Check out his album, But the Breakfast on iTunes. Avocados of your nest. That wouldn't be the name of the album. It's his selling t-shirts, guys. But the breakfast. I will not be selling But the Breakfast t-shirts.

Come see Nick through his Harambe joke for 12 months in a row. You're doing it. I watched you do a joke last night about I'm going through a breakup. And I know that was six, five years ago. Yeah, but it was. I just stopped doing comedy because the news sucks now and there's nothing else to talk about. I'm not still doing a Harambe bit because I'm not doing bits. Now I'm a professional broadcaster.

Anyway, that was Sam Kinnison asking to get his ass eaten, everyone. So you know what? I'm going to stop doing the heavy lifting then, guys. If that's it. I had Sam Kinnison. You know, you guys do a good character. Adam. Oh, God.

You were back here. Yeah. How about, you know, it said, please, Mr. Lucy K. Now see, finally. Do my heck all in front of me, please. That's all the small day labor that would have been the world's most famous comedian. Yeah, man. All the shows that day labor would have done.

Yeah. Right. Miguel, if you want to have a career, you will shut the fuck up. I just want to play my ukulele and talk about how I eat pizza in bed. I just want to be adorable and do adorable comedy where I don't really observe anything or have a punchline. I just talk about how hard it is to be an adult because I don't know which part of the check is the routing number or the account number.

Is that like what like adulthood is? Yeah, that's just it. It's good. That's a dork in the whole day life. You got discovered in the parking lot at Home Depot. And then. By some coped up producer that's like, if you suck my dick, you can be in the parent trap. He's just the waiter.

That's how they cast everyone in movies. Every extra sucked some guy's dick to just be standing in the back. It's funny. The guy watching the dishes, he's like staring off into the distance. The crack epidemic and like, you know, the 1980s and like what that did to inner cities and like the amount of violence and gang violence and shit. It's not like rich people didn't do cocaine, but the problems it created in those communities is like, you know, making them rape everyone they work with.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, again, the child pedophilia rings in Hollywood. In many ways, the fact that the government diluted cocaine through crack when they gave it to inner city communities was like was charity. Yeah. You know, because full blown cocaine in those neighborhoods. Woof.

Because Reagan saw what happened in real Hollywood. Exactly. So he wanted to protect the inner cities. They tested it in Hollywood. They started fucking all the kids. And then when Reagan invented crack cocaine. Yes. He's like, we can't let them go that far.

I care about black people too much. Let's step on this a little bit. We can't give them the baking soda. Yeah. Yeah. Give them the baking. Get the acetone, man. Yeah.

Yeah. That's cool. Have you ever done crack, Evan? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah.

Was that cool? It was pretty tight. Yeah. It was really tight, dude. That's like one thing I'll say about crack. It was actually pretty cool. It's weird that you can't just be a guy that smokes crack. Yeah.

Just chilling out with a nice little rock in your day. You can't brag about crack either. I'm doing it right now, man. I'm doing it right now. What was set the scene for us? Everything's going great in your life. Everything's going real bad. Yeah.

And everybody's dead that I've ever loved. And my buddy was like, do you want to feel this stronger? And I was like, yeah. And so he cooked up some Coke. Oh, he cooked it up? Yeah. I free-based Coke, which is like the same thing. Oh, no.

That's different. It's different? That's completely different. Okay. Well, then I did not smoke crack. There's like a depravity to smoking crack that doesn't exist with free-basin cocaine. Yeah. I mean, but it...

Millionaires free-based cocaine. It felt way different than snoring it, though, man. Free-basin cocaine. What did it feel like? I mean, just like more worrisome, you know, and scary. So how does it work? Good. You cook it and then you snore it?

You draw in the smoke with it. The fumes. Yeah. You heat it up and then you suck in the fumes. Oh, shit. That's homemade crack. That's homemade crack. Glace blunts with it and stuff, but that's not this.

That's a weird high, man. Yeah. Well, crack a blend with Coke? Yeah. Crack you, like, mixed Coke. You put something more in it. You're right. With baking soda, and then you cooked out on the stove and water, and then the shit that

rises to the top is like a yellow fucking sediment or something, and you take that and then dry it out. The bubbly stuff? Yeah. Something like that. Maybe I smoked crack. I don't know. Because you have to make crack on, like, a stove top.

Okay. Dude did it. Different ways to do it. Yeah. I'm not gonna make crack. There's a lot of songs you could listen to where they tell you how to do it. Yeah. True, man.

True. Water whip it. Stir in a pot with the oozy. That's how you do it, right? Yeah, that's the only way. Yeah. I've never made crack. Yeah, I snorted meth.

Nice. I never smoked meth. I snorted meth. And I did a bunch of, like, heroin and meth within the ecstasy I was doing. Nice. It was all, like, very cut with either heroin or meth. And I liked the meth more because, like, oh, you're up, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want to get your money's worth out of the ecstasy, man. You fucking stuff. Yes. I didn't fuck you ever. You didn't fuck on ecstasy? My girlfriend one time. Yeah, but not. I didn't, like, go up.

You know? Get some strange. Really lay it down. Yeah. How'd your cock work on those drugs? Like, not at all. And then once it did, it worked forever. You know?

There's one of those things that took forever. Like, an old lawn mower that won't, you got the record going a bunch of times? Yeah, once it's going, you got a mower in an old neighborhood. Yeah. Fuck everyone in your neighborhood. Yeah, man. Break into their homes, fuck them while they're sleeping. Yeah.

And that's Ian on the show because he had a funny experience with, we can just tell Ian's story. Yeah, let's tell that story. Absolutely. That Ian was just in L.A. and had an unfortunate experience with a trans prostitute. Yeah. Yeah. But I think he got it.

Yeah. He's like, he gets like, you know, when you get, like, to do an airport and then there's all the rental car places and it's like Alamo, Enterprise, you know, budget, and whatever. And then there's one of them that's like Lorenzo's cars. Yeah. Yeah. And then you got cardboard sign. Yeah, right.

Yeah. Ian gets like that version of prostitution. And there's another person in the room. There's another person in the room. Here, the airport. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. He's fucking, you know, Motel 6 in Inglewood with me. Yeah. Yeah. No, he asked you your ass and she said, no. Yeah, she was like, he said, do you mind if I eat your ass? Yeah. Madam, would you mind if I?

Do you mind? And she said, no. Yeah. He got out of it. What a hilarious person he is. I was asking him, I was like, how did you like know that that was what you were into? Yeah. You know?

Yeah. Because I can't imagine, even if I thought maybe that might be my thing. And it ends up not being? Right. Then you're like, oh, fuck. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, he's crazy. Like the kind of people he hooks up with, he will shine a flashlight in their asshole before kind of like, like he literally, he saw me, he's like, yeah, he's got a flash of light in their asshole to see if it's safe for me to dive in there. And then he just dives in. Well, he goes. He's got a little fucking miners helmet on.

He's got a little sickle and stuff. He's like, he's digging off a chunk and putting it under a microscope. He's like, me and my friend, we used to play with each other's dicks. And then one time I showed him a picture I drew of a lady that had a penis. Yeah, whatever. What's that? No, go ahead. Yeah.

No, this is what he told me. Yeah. Yeah. We used to play with each other's dicks. And I drew a picture of a lady, you know, with a penis and he got mad at me. His friend got mad at him. Yeah. Wow.

He's like, yeah, can you go back to sucking me off, please? None of these fucking arts and crafts. I haven't come yet, Ian. Wait, so is Ian, did he go off the wagon or he just didn't? No, no, no. No. That's what he does. For me, it's either like drugs or sex or whatever.

You know, it's like. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of wagons of life that he's not like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He lives on an organ trail of depraving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not drinking right now, but boy is he eating tranny for dysentery. Yeah. Yeah.

It's real rough, man. Oh, yeah. But good for, you know, good for him. No slut shaming, no. No. Whatever you're into, guys. It's true. Trans having sex.

You can do whatever you want as long as it's not being watched while jacking off. Yeah. That's the one thing. The one type of behavior that's completely unacceptable. Even if you ask for permission to do it. Or jacking off on the phone. Well, to be fair, he didn't ask permission in that case. He did not.

But like. Oh, come on. You're going to. Nothing. You picked one example in that story. Really? That's like, this is that part is in defense. You don't just play with your dick when you're at home.

And then sometimes. There's a big difference between. I do it all the time. In that case, I've raped every customer service member. You don't think my hands in my pants on any 45 minute phone call? That's how we get back at day of a lot of phone calls. Here's the other thing. They don't know that I'm like touching.

I'm not like jacking off. You're not like keeping them on the phone longer and like breathing heavily. That's what I'm going to do. I mean, it's creepy. It's really creepy. Yeah. To Verizon. To get back at customer service reps.

I'm going to start beating off. Yeah. To get back at customer service. What have they done to you? They nearly escaped having their eyes boiled out of their skulls. So they could be better at singing. Some morbidly obese man is going to stroke. Regular obese.

Thank you. Not morbid. Just very. No, it's morbid. It's morbid, dude. It's a medical. I'm being nice by using them doctors. It's really like brutal medical term.

Just obese, thank you. Just obese. You know what my favorite one is? They don't use it anymore, but profoundly retarded. Which just sounds like an insult. I can't imagine a context when that was ever like a nice term to use for somebody. Congratulations. Your son is not just retarded.

He's a profoundly retarded son. They give you a little medal. He's the winner of the retarded Olympics at his school. Yeah, we're going to make a fucked up statue of him. His big smooth head. Popsicles with almond shaped eyes. Chinese eyelids. Yeah, you can't be mean to him anymore.

Not even if you're a doctor. No, you can. How much would it have sucked to be like, you know, it's like maybe 1987. You're just finishing up medical school and you're like, I did all this work so I could make fun of retarded people. And they change it. Wow. They change it so the doctor's job isn't to come up with new insults for retarded people. Because for 100 years they got away with it.

We're going to call them idiots. We're going to call them mongoloids. We're going to call them freaks. And geeks. Yeah. Chowderheads. Right. And then now they finally settled on the one true thing that will never be ruined by association, intellectually disabled.

Yep. I feel like it was nice when they called them like the village idiot. Like they're part of the community, you know. Right. Yep. Inclusive. Now we just, they just live out on the street and we don't look at them. They don't necessarily live on the street.

That'd be fun if there's no community. Sort of what we do with mentally ill people in this country is we make them live on the street. We're talking about the disabled. Yeah, we're talking about retarded. Yeah. Retarded versus crazy. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We don't use that word anymore, man.

That's an ablest term. That's my favorite shit online. I'm an insane person that's incapable of rational thought. Here's how society should work. Here's how people should interact with each other. Oh, fuck, dude. So we're all exhausted, right? From, we did some, this rapes.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. What did you guys do? No, it's just, we all raped each other. We, yeah, we, it's just a fucking nauseating, you know, news cycle. Yeah, sex, sex trauma is like, you know, it's been three weeks of everywhere you look. It's just sex trauma stuff. It's brutal, man.

Yeah. Well, it's like, you know what it feels like is, I remember this like distinctively sick feeling that I would get when I was exposed to like celebrity gossip or entertainment news, because I don't care. I don't give a shit. Yeah. And like when, you know, Access Hollywood or whatever would be on or something, it just like bothered me.

Yes, loud. Of course. I don't care. Mario Lopez smiling too much. I literally don't know who the Kardashians are. I don't fucking know. Yeah, you do. No, I don't.

I don't know who Kardashian is because she's like, what, that, you know, that the dad was Centipede. I know. Yeah. Yeah. He's the lawyer for OJ. But again, this is like, it's a whole world that always just sort of bothered. I don't care for it.

Right. Right. And now it feels like, I mean, because the sex assault thing kind of just exists in that realm. Yeah. It's celebrity news. It is. It's celebrity gossip.

And it's not like whatever. I mean, problems about, you know, systemic sexism aside, it's like this, it is still just fucking gossip about, you know, who did what to who in the entertainment world. Yeah. Yeah. And we'll feel like people will feel like they did, they accomplished something by certain people's careers being destroyed, but the systems are going to stay exactly the same. You think it'll stay exactly the same?

I think, I think a lot. Yes. I think that it'll find a way. So there's going to be like a, they're going to purge this group of rapers. Yeah. That's how it always works. And then the next group of Jewish rapers will just be. Yeah, exactly.

There's a whole new class of us. It's like the X-Men. X-Men first class. First class. Who was the raper? Yeah. Yeah. We're some of a Brian Singer.

How has he not been thrown under yet? I know. Scrubbed. Yeah. We've been talking about it. Okay. That's sort of what's been making Nick lose his mind. Did you see, did Gary Goddard was like accused publicly by accused from Top Gun and like

Goddard was part of that lawsuit against Singer like three years ago. Uh-huh. Have you seen an open secret? Of course. We talked about it on the show. Yeah. Yeah. God, I missed the juice, man.

Yeah, it's all right, dude. I missed the meat and potatoes. Yeah. It's all right. It's crazy, man. Yeah. It's fucked up, dude. Yeah.

It's also in other. It's fucked up. Yeah. It's also like kind of everywhere. You know, I mean, it's in politics and stuff like that, but it's just like the Hollywood portions. I mean, it's talked about right now. Like do you think the politicians will start?

Are also raping children? Well, I know that they are. I mean, like more. Pizza gate, pizza gate was probably the best thing to happen to them because now it gets to be like an insane, all right conspiracy rather than like, you know, a thing that's actually happening. You're like, oh, you're the fucking pizza shop. What's today?

But really it's the sandwich shop. In real life. In real life. Well, no, really it's a private island that they would fly to that, you know, the guy that ran charter services to Child Rape Island did what, 12 months? Yeah. You know? Yeah.

And it was for not registering the plane. Yeah. It was not registering with the FAA. Do that Jeepers Creepers director, man. Yeah. Yeah. He's making Jeepers Creepers 3 right now. He used.

Hold on. Every movie he made happened after the conviction. I know. And one of them was a Disney movie. Like right after the conviction. Oh, yeah. It was a Disney movie. Victor Silva.

Powder. Powder was Disney. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Victor Silva. Right. Right.

We talked about rape to child. Yeah. Not only rape to child. He taped it. He taped him in a horror set. Whoa. Like in like a haunted circus set. Damn, bro.

He raped a kid. Yeah. That kid is fucked up. Just to add to the horror, man. You want to know how I got this horror. And then today, in response to the Roy Moore thing, all these girls are getting behind this hashtag me at 14. Meet 14.

Yeah. Which is basically. Oh, no. It's just some guy with like a 14 inch dick posting his dick on that hashtag. And he's like, what? I thought it was for me. I'm not a rapist. I've been using this big penis hashtag for years.

You stole it. Meet 14. Get that nice fat hog out there. Yeah. It's the oiled up fucking. The man with the world's largest penis. It is that water again today. There's a butcher on 14th Street just like posting his butcher shop.

Yeah. Jonah Falcons. Jonah Falcons. That's the funniest kind of person to be is when your dick is so big. Medically big. You have to be gay. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the reason. He's like, well, it doesn't. Why? So you can suck the world's biggest penis. I can suck up the world's biggest cock. I just want to be the best at everything. I want to be the very best. It's sucking big fat cocks.

Sucking. Bum, bum, bum. Gotta suck them all. Yeah. But then like, yeah, the response is that girls are just putting up like the sexiest pictures of them at 14. So this is Adam. I mean, what the fuck?

This is not an objective statement of the hashtag. This is Adam's opinion. Yeah. He's like, but I don't get it because every picture I see makes me hard. Yeah. So I don't think that it's really getting, it's really accomplishing what they wanted to. No.

Because now I've started talking to 14 year old girls and trying to lure them into my one bedroom apartment in Brooklyn. And I'm like, Hey, do you guys need a tutor? I actually went to law school. I have a dog too. Okay. So yeah. And she gets angry if girls don't do what I tell them to.

So is that right? You put the little mask on Isis. You're going to make the dog man again. That's your threat to him. You want to make this dog man. It's the least threatening bark. Whatever you say, Mr. Friedland. All right.

That's not what I was trying to say. No, they're like sexualizing themselves at 14 for basically sharing this trauma. How are they sexualizing themselves though? Because they're putting up like pictures of themselves as children. Yeah, but they're not saying look how sexy I was. The point is they're putting pictures of themselves up as children and you're getting hard to it. You're sexualizing.

That's not true. I don't know. I don't know. We might have to fire everyone associated with the show because Adam's here. Yeah, you're going to have to, we're all going to lose our jobs. Yeah. The only thing, the only fair thing to do when somebody gets caught with sexual misconduct is destroy the lives of hundreds of people around them.

Yeah. Alan Alda needs to be taken down. Anyone who's ever been in a movie with them should be fired. Anyone with the same hair color. Yeah. Dangers, man. If Steve Harvey ever gets exposed, probably like 10,000 people will lose their jobs. Shit, he did do kids.

Didn't he do that kids say the Darnest Thing reboot? Yeah. He probably fucked those kids. Allegedly. The Darnest Thing is always... Said Bill Cosby with a kid on his lap. What do you say something fucked up? And then the kid's like, you raped me.

There you go. Woo. There was no laughing. That's what we tune in for, folks. Cosby. Cosby. Cosby. Oh, fuck.

Now, what the hell? Yeah, but you know, I was thinking, you know how like the army had to cover up in Afghanistan? How like all those people were fucking boys, like the tribal leaders or whatever. Were they in alliance? Yeah, this just has to be a thing everywhere. You think everyone fucks kids? Yeah. It's not like, why would they be doing that, you know?

That's not really, is that specific to their culture or like what? You mean in Afghanistan? Yeah. Like what? I don't know. Someone, and this is completely non-sourced or educated at all, but I don't know. Someone's saying because they treat women bad, you can only fuck boys or something? Yeah.

They treat women right in Hollywood. Yeah. That's what I was about to say. Well, you didn't say it. I said it first. Adam's that kid in elementary school that after someone answered correctly goes, I was going to say that. Or like when they announced the answers to the homework, they're like, yes.

Adam was a yes. You know what? Yes. He reprimanded for saying yes, and then he would just do the arm thing in silence. No, I loved saying yes, honestly. No, you were a nerd. I was a nerd too. We're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back with the conclusion to how gay

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I kissed Brandon's cock. Brandon's here and he doesn't have a mic because he doesn't have the courage to speak out about all of the men that have worked. He's been diddled so many times. Out of a spin. Sorry. His hands are shaking so much right now. Brandon's been sexually...

He was crying the first half. Every time. Every time. Every time. He's brought up boys getting fucked in Hollywood. Yeah, we did all fuck his mouth. Did you use the term sexually raped? Yeah.

Use sexually raped. Well, there's lots of kinds of rape. There's sexual rape. There's career rape. There's rape of disagreement. There's rape by being booked on a show that someone else isn't. Yeah, there's micro rapes. Of course.

You get hugged weird. That's when Adam rapes you with his little ass dick. Yeah. That's when a white person accidentally has curly hair. If you go to the beach and you don't get your hair straightened afterwards. If you're a cracker, then I'm sorry, folks. White people. White people.

I thought that was... For a long time, I thought that was like an anagram. Oh, really? Yeah. I was like, what the fuck does this mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't figure it out. What do you mean?

What do you... The online people refer to white people as W-Y-P-O-P-I-P-O. I never saw that, man. W-Y-P-O-P-I-P-O. Well, that's because that content isn't for you. Yeah. It's not for your eyes. Yeah, man.

I feel like you guys are too in the internet, dude. I'm actually not anymore. No, that's good. Like, not on anything. Yeah. You know, I'm more of a video game... You spent years, though. You did plenty of tours in Iraq.

Yeah, you did. Yeah. You were really online. In a lot of ways, you know, I am like a veteran. Yeah. You're a veteran of the internet. I am. Yeah.

So yesterday was for me. It's weird with all the sexual assault talk on Veterans Day. We didn't hear anything about, like, how huge of a problem that is in the military. Oh, yeah. That is true. Yeah. That's one that's completely, completely kept... People cared about that for, like, 20 minutes.

Yeah, what happened? That was... And then it was like, ah, whatever. Yeah. And then they were like... That's the thing is because, like, with widespread systemic abuse, you can be like, holy shit. And then it's like, well, how do we stop this?

And it's like, I guess we're kind of powerless. Yeah. I'm going to go back to playing Gran Turismo. Yeah. And then that's how these things continue forever. I'm going to keep calling it Gran Turismo as well. Instead of what? Turismo?

Is it not Turismo? It's Turismo. I think it's Turismo. Am I the asshole? Jesus Christ. Damn, you said it with confidence. I'm from the South, dude. We're stupid.

Ask Mateo. Mateo would know. Yeah, true. Gran Turismo. Well, I guess you have your pronunciation like the Italian, you know. Gran Turismo. Gran Turismo. Did Mateo show you that clip of him on that, like, Mexican dog?

He had dressed a clown or whatever. And he's saying something. It looks like he's at Conan and he's on the chair and he's like, you know. You know, speaking in fucking Spanish or whatever. Yeah. And then it cuts to the hose and it's just a clown. He's like, hey, grunde grande. What are you doing?

What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? Damn, salute to fucking Mexican television. They've got the most hilarious shows. They've got big ladies with big ass titties. Yeah. Just throwing pies in the midget's face.

All those girls are married to the executives of that network. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They ain't got no problems if you know what I'm saying. Those girls understand what the price of doing business is. Yeah, my wife watches that all the time. That's who needs to take over Hollywood after all this, is don't talk loud. Okay.

All right. We're going to be straight up about this, yo. If you ain't sucking, you ain't getting on screen, baby girl. We're going to do the same behavior, but it ain't a secret anymore. Yeah. That's what people don't like. It's dishonest. I'm honest.

Say I'm a fucking liar. I'll beat the fuck out of you. Okay. No Blacks either, though. They don't show up on a canvas. Y'all get Black Panther twice? Every two years we'll do another Black Panther, and that's it, yo. Everything else is going to be movies.

Girls with big ass titties that are light. Or maybe a Latina. Needs all these lights. Wastes all these money on lights so the Black people show up in movies. I'm tired of doing that shit. I want to shoot something late afternoon without having to fucking drain the entire city grid. Yo, go do the halftime show at a basketball game, yo. They got the lights figured out for y'all already.

Okay. Movies is for the white race, yo. Oh yeah. Put him in charge, baby. Yeah. That's a great guy to run everything through. I don't think I know this guy. I got to take you down to Baltimore, dude.

I'll show you all about these guys. We're based on a specific guy. One guy, yeah. There is one guy who you can't really mention on the show because he probably will drive here to try and find you. 100%. 100%. Nobody talks shit about me.

I don't care. They fucking said I was running Hollywood. That's not true. I'm working fucking batteries plus. Yes, I steal the batteries. Oh, fuck, dude. God, I missed my hometown. I missed the charm.

Speaking of, I will be there. Thanks. Wednesday. Baltimore sidebar. Sidebar. Next Wednesday. Yeah, before Thanksgiving, Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I'm doing a show, so come out and maybe I'll do 20 minutes of that character.

I'm so hungry, dude. What do you want to eat? I don't know. I need some like a chicken salad. Okay. Okay. You trying to get back on track, man? I am, dude.

I've been eating literal Halloween candy for three weeks. You got a candy corn here? You like candy corn? I love it. I'm like the one guy that likes it, dude. Really? Keeping the business alive. Holy shit.

Obviously, lots of people like it. I didn't literally mean one. But yeah, most motherfuckers don't like it. Most motherfuckers don't like it. I think most people pretend not to like candy corn. But it's a seasonal candy. It's not like it's around all year long. But it does suck.

It's not good. It's not good. It's whatever. I don't mind candy corn. I don't remember being here. It just tastes like icing to me. Guys, here's how I feel about candy corn. I kind of feel like it's cocaine, you know?

No, I actually do agree. I agree with that observation 100%. Why does Brandon get mad? Because it's his jam. He was stealing a joke from me. Ironic. Anyway, I actually do feel that way. It hurts.

It's not good, but if there's a bowl of it, I'm going to fucking inhale it. What? Is that your bitch? You had the best candy corn bit. The best candy corn. Lewis Black had the best candy corn bit. What was it?

It was about how every piece of candy corn has been, was produced in 1930. The same batch is still floating around. That is funny. Nobody fucking likes it. I don't know how funny he was for like a year. He was funny. And then he pointed with his pinky.

He was a correspondent. He loved pointing with his pinky. When he blew up, my dad was oddly way into him. My dad was like, wow, this guy's great. Dads loved him, and he had that angry energy. After like two months of that, my dad was like, all right, I got to tell you, I used to buy Coke off him. He told me that.

I was like, you have to be mistaken. He is from D.C., though, isn't he? No, this was in New York. He was a playwright for a long time. Before he got into comedy. He used to sell Coke. My man was fucking moving. I don't know that.

I don't want to just say that Lewis Black was a Coke dealer based on my dad's assumption that he was the same guy. I don't think he routinely did it. I think it was one time. Oh, he bought Coke once? Yeah, off him specifically. That's pretty cool. Interesting.

He's gay, right? My dad? It's hereditary. A big ol' queer. It skips a generation. No, it doesn't. Then Stav, who's technically my son because I fuck his mom. First of all, you guys only kiss and she jerks you off.

She told me you're lying about fucking her. Because I destroyed her pussy the first time. So it's inoperable? There's caution tape all over it like a badass comedian's debut album. Wrap it around his mouth. Around the mouth, baby. There's a guy in Baltimore that used to have that as a headshot. Shats out Tommy Zimbazo.

Shats out to Tommy with the caution tape. I actually do fuck with Tommy. Dana's like first page show or first book show or whatever. We were both on that show. It was with Tommy Zimbazo's show. So at her mom's house. It was like a Tommy Zimbazo poster on the fridge. That same poster was on my fridge.

My mom kept it and put it on the fridge for whatever reason. My mom did that. I featured for Ryan Stout in San Antonio. That was my first out of town feature paid gig being put up in a hotel or whatever. My mom just printed out the website. So it's just a picture of Ryan Stout with a listing of the show. My name's not even on it. It says also appearing Nick Mullen at the bottom.

That's cute though that she printed it out. She has that and my GED in a drawer. You got GED? Yeah, I do. When did you drop out of high school? The beginning of my junior year. Wow. Yeah.

Because it was clear that I was not going to finish. Yeah. It was pretty clear I wasn't going to but I somehow just did. Just powered through? I bullshitted my senior projects. I bullshitted a lot of stuff when I made it. Oh, I never did any work. Yeah.

I mean like ever. Okay. It was never. Yeah. I think it was clear when I was in like fifth grade that I was like not going to go. It was the kid who literally never had his homework. Yeah, I just never did. Because it's like there's no consequence.

It's just like you fail. Okay. Dude, am I going to be held back or grade? They're like, no, you just get to continue. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They did that in Maryland. They started doing that.

They stopped holding people back. Yeah, yeah. Wow. I would still be in third grade. Do you know that guy Dominic Leonetti? What is his name? Dominic Leonetti. Yeah.

Some Italian guy you know. Dominic. Yeah. He's a comedian man. I look up his name. He fucking learned that like the special classes didn't have homework. Oh. And he's pretended to be special.

Are you serious? Yeah. All right. Dominic Leonelli dude, look up this guy man. And he has a video on YouTube where he's like talks about it. He's like, yeah, yeah man, I just fucking noticed that like they weren't doing a lot of work and they like watched a bunch of movies. So I started acting retarded.

And I was in the special class like for all of high school. Salute dude. Salute to him. That rules. So much dedication I've ever heard in my life dude. It must rule to be mentally retarded. Yeah. If you get a new job day, you never do any work.

Yeah. Executed when you're 32. A lot of them are. You get to fuck one girl and then they execute you for killing her. Yeah. Rick Perry kills you. Well, some of them get that bad kind where like they're scared all the time, you know. Where it's like, oh, like, you know, and I wouldn't like that one.

But like, you want the happy one. The happy one. Like when my wife works with special people and they, there was a, that's probably not what you call them. Yeah. Special people. Because that, that's, that's what, I mean, like any term you use, and this is kind of like.

It doesn't work. This is like a trolley to say, but any term you use, the problem is that you're using those words to describe somebody that's like, not equal. I'm sorry. Like everybody's equal in terms of like, you shouldn't be an asshole to them, but like, they're not. They're just like a deficiency. Right.

And life is never going to be a normal life. Yeah. I'm sure a lot of them could be like, pretty functional, but like, people are going to associate those words with somebody that has a fucking deficiency and it's going to become an insult. No matter what. Eventually. Eventually.

Like no matter what. Yes. Every single time. It has a shelf life. Yeah. Like all the words that we think are funny. Like me saying, Mongo, it literally was doctors used to say that shit. You know what I mean?

Like. Yeah. Well, even special needs when I was a kid. It's like, what is this guy special? I mean, it was Carlos. I see his whole app. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a good ass bit. That's a good. Just literally making a retarded noise. Joe Rogan. Yeah. Yeah. What if that was the bit Rogan was mad about?

I did that. A little bit. Yeah. But it's just dude at my wife's work that every, every time he sees anyone, he just says, can I get a yay? And then you got to say yay. He goes, hell yeah. Oh.

That guy rules. He just collects yay. That's just a black man. Yeah. He's not retarded at all. He's in the staff. Yeah. I'm sorry, but your son is black.

Can I get a yay? Hell yeah. Hail burgers. Your son is, your son is profoundly black. Oh. Profoundly black would be like a good woke hip hop. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's going to be someone special. Yeah. That's going to be someone special. Like an early 90s, like Afrocentric hip hop group. MC profoundly black. Yeah. Oh yes, bitch.

Damn. They have song titles that are like, why come, you know? It's like, why come the government got symbols on the money? Why come I can't get a job, you know? That was like a, that was a good type of song. The just listing problems. Just the questions. Yes.

The question songs. Yeah. What are you talking about that, that, uh, who's that? What's, who does that song? Jadakiss. That Jadakiss song. Yeah. We talked about that already.

Questions, questions. Right. What's that? 21 questions from 50 cent. You guys remember that shit? Yeah. Yeah. But that was more of a fucking song.

Yeah. But he was asking questions. True. It's a different genre. Would you love me if I was down and out? Would you still have love for me? Would you still have love? I remember that music video.

I remember that music video because he fucks Megan. Would you love me if you found out I was part of a pedophile ring? Would you still have love? Would you still have love? Would you still have love? Would you still have love for me? Would you still have love for me? The video was about a conjugal visit.

He was in jail and then he goes to a trailer and Megan Good comes to visit him and then they fuck in the trailer and then I guess he goes back to jail. Well, yeah, dude. She held it down though. She's still coming down. She's very hot. She's coming to get that jail dick. Yeah, I guess so.

That pent up jail dick. That's the real stuff. That's probably a nice type of dick. Isn't there like, aren't there, don't people say he's gay? 50? They say a lot of people are gay. Dr. Dre. Oh, really?

He's gay? Yeah. There's rumors that like Tupac wouldn't record in a room with him. He's like, I don't want to be in here with this gay motherfucker. Get him out. It is funny to think about how all the people we think of is like woke guys. It's like Tupac, like Tupac now is like everyone's like he was a poet and shit. He was homophobic as hell.

He was like really offensive and homophobic. Yeah. He had some really dumb ass ideas. I was watching a documentary about him. I don't remember any, but I just remember being like, damn, Tupac was fucking dumb. Can you make one up? Yeah, he thought that everyone from Guatemala was actually a part, aardvark. Nice, dude.

That's improv. Thank you. Thank you. We were at the pit last night. I was at the pit, yeah. And next on the wall. Oh, I saw that picture. On the wall they have just like enormous on the fucking wall next to the stage, a clown's

prayer. Oh, god. It's like, let me remember to make people laugh that my duty in this life is to shine a light on the dark moments of others' lives. How much of a fucking narcissist do you have to be to think that's what a comedian is? It's not like literally someone that did not want to do homework. Right. I don't want a real job.

I decided I could have helped the world. And I was like, no, that's gay. I'm going to get fucked up and just talk about having a little penis. I'm going to be an alcoholic that says we tarred so much that eventually it's funny again. U.S.A. U.S.A. It's also like that's not even like the definition of a comedian anymore for like the sanctimonious fucking pious comics.

Now your job is to speak truth to power. Yeah. Yeah. I watched Brandon and I watched. Stupid. I don't know shit. I just want to be funny. We watched.

Somebody was on stage recently and my buddy was like, man, he's not even saying anything, dude. I'm like, yeah, he was just saying words, you know, he's talking about farts and stuff, but he's not like fucking saying anything. Shut up. I'm like, when did that become the job? I thought, you know, we're supposed to make people laugh. Who was it?

Name names. I don't want to. I don't do it. I love him. He's a really funny guy. Not the guy on stage. I know that's what I'm saying. I think he's a good, he's a funny.

He's really funny. All right. Really funny. Who was it? So it wasn't Adam. This was a year ago too. Maybe he's grown. Was it Taylor?

No. Definitely hasn't grown. Taylor, you piece of shit. Yeah. Yeah. No, it wasn't Taylor. Taylor wouldn't say that. Stop.

Stop trying to get him to say who it was. Why? He's uncomfortable. I mean. Look, this is a Hollywood gossip podcast. That's true. It's a blind item. Yeah.

A certain comedian may have a mustache and fucks with transsexuals. Yeah. Said this. Yeah. That's good. Well, who was the comic on stage? I'm not going to do that. I'll say who said it.

It was Matteo. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Matteo says things. He says things? Yeah, no. Matteo is a friend of the show. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I love Matteo. He does it. That also just sounds like a dumb thing you'd say in the back of the room because you hate the person on stage. Yeah. You either hate the person on stage or you just, you're impulsive to shit talk whoever's on stage because it's funny.

It is so funny. Right, right. That's the best part of comedy. Yeah. And I'm acting like some hero who wasn't in the back of the room like you know what he's not saying shit. Yeah, right. I'm acting like I was above what he said, I was not above what he said.

But I think it's stupid for us both to think that way. Even my friends, they're on stage, I'll sit in the back of the room and tear apart their entire act while they're on stage too. Anyone who will listen. Yeah. Yeah. That's nice. It doesn't matter who it is.

A booker. The thing is, is comedy is always just garbage and it's very easy to tear apart anything. It's also like when you're saying some up there to the crowd, you're saying it for the first time, but your buddy's heard you say it 60 times. Yeah. And so when you just like say a line out of any of our set, like out of context, you say a really good joke out of context is like, like, yeah. Really good.

Yeah. If I want to start going into each other's acts there, Adam, let's do it. Dude, you can't get through 10 minutes at Brandon's fucking show. First the clues. Let's do it. You can say any line for mine. I quit stand up. I don't know why you're going after me.

I admitted that I couldn't write anymore and I left doing it. No, you're still a good comic. You just don't have confidence. Oh, no, it's okay. Speak on what? Oh, do you shit on Adam's act? Yeah. No, it's fine.

Go at him, dude. There are some things that are sacred now that Adam and his father are both rapists. No, that is not. But the act, I won't do it. Thank you. That's part of the clown's prayer. Yeah. You never, you never.

That's the clown. If I had to do it, I don't want to. But if I had the shit on Adam's act, I would say that he will tell a story. You and Flores do the same fucking goddamn thing where it's like you have a new story bit and the first time you do it, it's fine. And then and then as soon as you touch it again, you completely destroy it. Well, that's not true. No, it's not.

It's specifically you guys. That's not true. Flores does this dumb shit. No, no, no, no, no. Flores will have like a perfect 30 second joke and it'll crush. And then the next time he does it, he's like, you know, oh, the thing is is because it is. But actually, if you think about it and it's like, just say the joke, you know, well, yeah,

that's true. But it's that with the story. That's a normal thing is that when you do a new joke that you're excited about the first time you do it, you're like, this feels great. And then the second time you do it, it's like, oh, it doesn't work as well. Yeah. I mean, I feel like a joke has a shelf life where it's not fresh after a certain while. Right.

And then you have to sort of rebuild it after a while with a joke on it can more easily like jump into whatever the hell I meant the first time I said it. Then with a story, because when I do a story, right, it's like a five minute story and it just happened to me. Yeah. I'm like still kind of going through it emotionally. So like I'm like talking and that's why it's funny though, because that's that. But the breakfast thing does work on like every comic.

If you just repeat someone's punchline, it's so mean, they get defensive. Yeah. If you were like, I wish you over tickle fights, I'd be like, dude, fuck you, man. Come on, dude. Come on. We're all trying. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a little dull hand. Hey, whoa. We're not going to keep doing my back. I'm saying that's a great joke. But you say out of context, with a certain tone of voice made was that your custom,

all right. You know what, guys? I don't, we're not airing this one. I'm exercising. The thing Adam does. It's not usually a dumb part of the joke. I had a custom remote made. No, I mean, it's obviously stupid.

It's not having a little dig. I think it's a smaller version of the thing already. You can't stop. AAA batteries. I could put my thumb over the third egg. We're not workshopping my act right now. We're doing it. No, I don't think that's funny.

Did you know that you can't spell Kashi? You can't spell take a shit without Kashi. Yeah. Yeah. It's a great job. Yeah, it is a great job. Yeah. We're all taking turns saying great jokes.

Hold on. You're doing it wrong because you're not highlighting just a punchline out of context. That in and of itself is a drill. I guess you're right. That one is like... You can't spell take a shit without Kashi. It stands alone. Fuck, that does, yeah.

Which, if you examine my material, every aspect of my comedy is infinitely... Any line out of context is just a joke. I do what I like to call fractal comedy. Where, no matter how far you zoom in, it's still perfect. Oh, man. I'm trying to remember the rest of the bit now so I can get one that isn't perfect. I completely forgot that joke. I think it's all perfect, dude.

I think you're right. No, it's not. It is. I don't know what's just happened there. I don't know. The PS4 fell asleep and I think this thing is... Yeah. ...diping out.

Do you miss content? Do you miss stand-up? I'm going to go do spots tonight. I'm going to ball. Yeah, you should. I'm trying to like, do more spots. Yeah. Are you going back because you missed it?

Yeah. Well, I need to socialize and like, it does keep you sharp and I'm like, it's not... When I stopped doing stand-up, it's like I have all these other things I'm working on and I'm not working on anything else. I'm going to stop deluding myself and thinking I'm going to finish it. And we have funny moms on Monday. Yeah. And it's just like, you know, I miss going out.

Yeah, man. I miss seeing it out there, dude. You're a funny guy. Thanks, man. No. That's good. I think that's very good news, Nick. Okay, I'm bad.

Fuck, I'm hungry, dude. You're always hungry. That's not true. Yeah, it is. Sometimes I'm not. You were so happy when we just got dinner the other day. I was happy. The only time I'm happy is when I'm eating food.

So fucking happy. I had fun last night, me and Steph went to the cellar and ate wings. You know what's funny? Those are the best wings, dude. Did you read Guy Branham's fucking article about how the cellar, a place where gay people are banned. Women are not allowed in the cellar. If they enter, they will be raped.

What the fuck is this? He's like, it's a metaphor. He's like, you described a literal table. Right, right, right. And it's exact location. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they named the people at the table and then made a declarative statement about who's allowed to sit.

So dick about. Yeah. And so. The cellar did tell me that gay people weren't allowed. Yeah. Yeah. You, you're not allowed. Well, we, so we go there.

Because you're gay. People make all kinds of excuses when they don't want a person. And a table over, there's some guy berating a woman about men's rights. It was pretty hilarious. I've never seen that in public in my life. So I guess Guy's right. Yeah. I literally have never seen that.

It was some, I can tell the guy that's like, we are 90% more likely to go to jail. We are 90% more likely to be a victim of violent crime standing there. It was like, what is happening? Yeah. Yeah. That guy came over and introduced himself and then tried to like burn us. Yeah. He was what Guy Brannerm was talking about.

Like some dumb ass. But this wasn't a comedian, right? I think he probably was some shitty comic who thinks that's how you make it. You go to the cellar and then like start to shitting on people just until whoa, I respect how that guy shits on. He heard some patrice on your stories. Not a white man, by the way. Yeah.

Point that out. Whoever, I couldn't deduce what race he was. Yeah. He looked like one of those like, Polynesians. As people, no, you know, where they're like, black, but they don't have a black face. Oh yeah. Like Polynesian kind of. No, like a real dark ass Indian dude.

Yes. That was kind of. He kept saying the N word. Yeah. So he did. It was weird. I thought, I thought it was an Indian. It's a New York thing.

It's a New York city. Is that it? Is that it? Yeah. Like we're in New York right now. We say it. All people. That Chinese family I lived with, the son who was like 14 or whatever.

And like, he's a nice kid, but like he was, I mean, he just sat and played like MMORPGs all day long. He would sit at his laptop and I would hear him on like, you know, voice chat with like other Chinese kids or whatever. And he was always dropping n bombs, but he didn't like do any part of the voice. So you had like a thick Chinese accent and then he would just also say the N word. Whoa. Nice.

Yeah. It was bizarre. But isn't that how you say, didn't you have that bit where it's like, that's also how you say. It is. They use it as a filler material. Yeah. Yeah.

So Chinese like in Mandarin Chinese. Every black comic that goes to China comes back with that bit, by the way. Like, yeah. That's that's 100. I would say they're like, what is it? It's like, yeah, they use it. How was it? Starbucks and Shanghai?

Yeah. And all of a sudden the Starbucks guy keeps saying, and then your black guy voice is just fucking Jeff Fox. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're still not committing to audio black face. It's funny. It's like it's racist to do black guy voice, but it's way more racist to not be able to do black. Yes.

That was Chinese. You're like, I was in China. Yeah. Yeah. Like a black man. I am a African American man. That's Japanese. Yeah.

Yeah. That's not Chinese. No, I'm a black guy. I know. I was just doing other accents. You can be black with an Australian accent. I am a bleak man. I am bleak.

I am a bleak man. I am associated with him. You have to make your mouth as big as possible. Don't tell me about him. Yeah, because they love sucking Victor. Don't fucking tell me about him. Yeah. Yeah.

And you might accidentally signal another man if you open your mouth too wide. That's so true. I am just trying to be Yu Book today. Come here. I have a script in my mouth. Dude, are you trying to make a hit to the trip? Dude, fuck my mouth please. I

That's where Adam comes from Guys What was I gonna say? Oh, Brandon and I watched SNL last night, and they did a I don't know in my Estimation kind of a problematic episode because they had a black female host and so then they tried to like Tiffany Heddish Yeah, they tried to like respond to like all of the controversy by doing like my celebrating That and it was it just what do you mean completely failed what is it like a video game sketch? I hadn't watched a full episode of SNL and forever

They did a video game sketch was like Mortal Kombat You're like it was the player select screen, and it was like Scorpion like you know Sub-zero sub-zero, and then it was like boo boo Jenkins Oh, it was just it was just a minstrel. What the entire boo boo Jenkins the entire episode was a minstrel seat And it was like so Yeah, yeah, yeah her power. Yeah, one of her powers was saying the word Beyonce Like rough. Yeah, so new comedy is about to be really good What was like I mean that sounds pretty funny to me I completely missed the setup

I heard minstrel, and I try yeah Another one where she was like there were there were just kids in a there were kids in a forest and Then they're like walking around and then she like Walks up to them. She's like I'm the last black unicorn and it makes no sense What any of it's about it makes absolutely no sense and then they and then what's her name Leslie Jones comes out And she's like I'm also a black unit unicorn, and it's just there isn't a laugh It's just like really uncomfortable, and then I found out this morning Brandon found out this morning That she's about to publish a book called the last black unit. What so it was

So it was fucking like Subliminally trying to get you to buy a book in the future in the future, but it made absolutely no set It was like it was really it was so I hear I can kind of read between the lines what you're saying Adam No more black women should be hosting You know the story about okay, I mean I don't agree, but if that's how you Steven Seagal on SNL where you know Like he had his own his own sketches that he wanted to pick so you can't one of them is a therapist that you know like there's a rape victim and Steven Seagal like is the therapist who starts molesting her

Jesus Christ, and the whole staff had to like explain to him why it wasn't funny No, everyone's known that about Steven Seagal of course, but his name is you can't expose Steven Seagal Yeah, he's a detest No, but that's why it's like Charlie sheen thing it's like Charlie sheen raped a 13 year old boy and nobody gives shit because it's Charlie sheen That makes sense the Charlie sheen would have done that. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, what is what is why is Brandon having a seizure because it's a pretty funny sketch. Yeah, what was Steven Seagal? Oh, it is funny That's the thing it's like they had the wrong take which is Steven. It's very funny, especially considering who you are

This won't be good for your career nor will it be good for SNL Didn't that isn't it like really hard to get the Seagal like the monologue and the sketches from that episode like they tried to Like erase it from the internet, but I think there's some daily motion clips of the Steven Seagal SNL But they're all like amazing They're all really it's the best of Steven Seagal on Saturday night live Come here Sherry. Let me rape you Please stop

Please stop. I have a family Live from New York It's Saturday night. What if it's the Spartans, but I rape this Spartans It's 300, but it's the number of women of assault When did he host it? What era was that? Probably out for justice. Yeah. Yeah early 90s midnight, but Ruthless aggression here. Yeah Yeah, yeah, they just had him on the episode before Trump Yeah, yeah, Trump the Trump Seagal double special fuck it up

God, he does the monologue in a chair With those yellow sunglasses SNL made Trump do hotline bling What yeah when he was that he did a hotline bling parody Thank you the point of what I was trying to say it was like they were trying to we already say you don't want No, they're trying to have an inclusive They're trying to have like an inclusive like like episode, but they just ended up using the black people on the show and the most racist props Yeah, it was like really difficult to watch, but I watched I ended up watching a little bit. Well, what a hero do you?

Yeah, you're from here. I mean, I mean sometimes it's just so bad. It's good. I guess, you know Yeah, I don't know. I don't I haven't watched it like I feel like I hadn't watched it all season until last night I don't think I've sat down and watched SNL since 2002 yeah, like Will Ferrell. Yeah, it was the last time I really fucking yeah I was really into it when the bush versus gore Yeah, yeah, tigery remember that I was like in sixth grade lock box They did that one with like that senator that were where he's like Blind people think they're so cool. I'm staying the Chinese Fred Thompson

I yeah, I can't remember who it was supposed to be, but well those two those two that's lines out of context That's back when people would take risks. Yes Yeah, it's just us now the real truth tellers and yeah And they like, you know, they made fun of me to my own horn, but I got a different clown sprayer and it's all the n-word Penny Penny wise The s and y's is a dollar sign I don't understand why that was Penny wise. Yeah, right. Penny wise is a great pimp. Hey, bitch. Let me spit it to you straight I'm gonna turn your ass hole into a penny loafer

All my bitches got pennies in they ass And the wise part it's because of knowledge What is the wise part come from is because I know that female genital mutilation is good His balloons are just hair on balloons in their assholes Well, we're done actually hold on let me uh, let me plug some dates guys I'm doing fucking I'm coming to Baltimore the Wednesday before Thanksgiving the 22nd. Yeah, don't fucking unplug it I mean this show isn't you know your personal if you guys were to do if you guys were to do fucking shows You should plug them to not serious the 16th. I'm in fucking Boston. Well, you said the thing about breakfast

And he'd still I'm still hurt by it You can't use the show to plug your show Anyway, so yeah 22nd, I'm in thanks. Thanks before Thanksgiving. I'm in fucking buffet Baltimore Sidebar 20 30s at the hospital for Blowing out his appendix with crab legs December 3rd. I'm in Cleveland at Hilarides and On the 16th. I'm in Boston at the House of Blues. So come get sucked off everyone and then December 18th custard

That's all it says The whole week of the AD that will be doing backstrokes McDuck style right in a pool of custard intravenous Disgusting No, I got to taste that man the man versus food comedy tour. I would love that Isn't that guy stand up actually? No, no, he wasn't okay And then again guys because this we said on the premium But we didn't say it on the main one on the 22nd of December. Yes at black cat. We're make this is an announcement official

It's happening announcement. We're doing a live come-town holiday spectacular extravaganza our triumph for return to Washington, DC From whence we came all three boys will be at the fucking black cat the black cat the 20s Friday the 22nd of December Please come love the event. Don't let the name fool you. It will be a racially segregated Fuck and oh no funny mom's is yesterday. Yeah funny mom's was two days ago But yeah, we'll be back after Thanksgiving for fun and Evan You've heard my dates at Evan Williams comedy.com. You can follow me on Twitter Instagram at it's Evan Williams Brandon you got anything you want to plug Yeah, Brandon's a podcast podcast can we shit on wow minute guys? Oh, yeah

No, we should listen to it. I haven't listened. No, what's the podcast man? What are you doing? It's good Socialist bad boy podcast, you know, yeah There was no real space for that, you know, nobody's doing that podcast He does it with this guy. Jack Wagner who's the grandson of Versace Tomaguchi He's the grandson of the Wagner the German guy Somebody from the come town subreddit already made a subreddit for my podcast And it's it's just what there's just one post and it just says Brandon Wardell is racist

Well, he's not wrong Well, he did just plug it on the show. So I hope damn No, everyone listen to it and don't and don't be rude. Yeah, go listen to it Give it a five-star rating if he launches a patreon don't subscribe to that Double down on us if he launched a patreon Maybe in a couple years when MTV gets tired of trying to turn Brandon into a household name As long as he's riding that you know sneaker

No, he's out. He's done. I mean, they're not you know, I'm not do I'm not working with MTV at the current at this current junction vice Or would you know, I don't know logo or whoever the fuck we are gonna go Logo is that supposed to be like a deaf person saying homo No, go get you Oh, no, yeah, you know go a fun voice to take us out His dad was the best You're the best well a classic everyone next Evan Williams are good, but what I'm checking out. All right. Good night bitch