The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 79 – Bumbaclot

Episode Date: November 22, 2017

Stav and adam are gone so we did another one of these.

This is a stand-up New York Labs production providing you podcasts since 2013 This is race wars With Kurt Metzger, you're fucking mine dude and Chirad small Settle down bitch All right, can we go back grace was guess who's in the house with a mouthful of food I Thought the song was coming. No, the song's not coming the song already played. We pretended like it played already God damn it Kurt. Are they putting the song in a post? Yes, I believe they'll put it on a post Kurt welcome back. Thank you everyone

My god, what do you eat? You are openly disrespectful You Eat like a runaway just coca-cola and pastries motherfucker you did your parents die? Why do you eat like this? Were you raised in a well? I hear you know, but I'm plugged into you. Oh John. Can you just the headphones shall be usually does it really? You know in the house my white daughter's in the house and Kurt's here Nick. What's up, man? Oh my god I almost went deaf just now. I had it right at perfect. All of a sudden is getting louder and louder. We got it

Welcome back Kurt. Thank you. Now what you were still gone What was happening? Nick Mullin is also saying that it's also a episode. Oh my god focused Yeah Jesus Christ someone's supposed to come again in the background I'll tell you what it's come down to us episode of come town. It is Duel episode. Yeah, there we go. Yeah We both do half the work. Yes, you know for twice the financial gain. I see that's how you work it Mm-hmm. See Nick know how to work the system right next learn how this old patreon game. Yeah, we got to listen to him

Yeah, yes, how much you making now a month a million. I don't know I think it's a 23,000 a month now Jesus Christ. How is everything with your commie friends in the Communist world of communism. Oh the communists make more money than I do. That's my favorite part of that whole thing Wait, what's what's how do you make a money same thing patreon? I stole their business model, right? This was a communist. Yeah, yeah, I know they were commies. I mean, they're socialists. They're democratic socialists, which is like I just I mean they're not communists, but you know how much money they making oh shit There's is almost at a hundred thousand a month now at these commie bastards. I want to flip this table They make almost they don't make almost like 1.3 million a year. I think

Yeah, for commie nonsense. Why can't we talk more commie stuff? Are they redistributing it to the poor? Yeah, they give a lot of the money to charity and shit and it's a charity Yeah, I think they had to give a lot of money to rain after Josh Androwski posted that that Bill Cosby joke Who's rain rain is the I I don't understand how it works. It's a charity that Charity, okay, which is like is the plan to just pay people to not rape. I don't understand how rape charity works I don't know They just they they provide those blankets they put over you at the end of I feel like that would be triggering because you're gonna get raped in a bed. So that's filled with blankets

Well, I'm not the last thing I would want to see you after a long rape session is another blanket Keep the pillows away from me. Well, I linoleum floor curl up on Leak out of my ass all over the kitchen floor. Sometimes the floor is the problem. Yeah, yeah You need protein and fruit. Yeah, what's the least likely place to get raped probably on an escalator? That's true seems like the safest find me one case of someone that got raped on an escalator. You can't do Moving escalator. Otherwise, it's just

That was a beautiful song by Elton John Highway to rape Is all this because I'm back We usually just sit here in silence That's right. I number one have vowed to not comment for as I support the mob actions across America No better than to stand against that would never risk any of my Employments by ever standing up to a mob doing anything and I want to especially commend the mob for going after Charlie Rose That's why you should have you should have Amy on to condemn Charlie Rose. What's going on with Charlie Rose now?

What's the story? Charlie Rose hold on. Let me let me get this article. We're like we're like Charlie. We're like Charlie. No clothes I'm not on Twitter anymore. So I need an outlet on Twitter. I got banned like a year ago. What yeah You did you did the ultimate achievement of Twitter? Yeah, that's like what you're in. I finished. Oh, you finished it You completed it. I got to the end. It's like finishing Donkey Kong, right? You jumped all the barrels ironically also a racist chimp related thing Oh, what Donkey Kong actually wasn't that what got me was was making fun of Like the the Berkeley protesters. What'd you say? I forget what I said in particular

But it was going after the people that were saying that like leftists were fascists for protesting the Berkeley It was all right guys that got me banned the first time around now if I log in there's like a whole backlog of tweets They want me to delete because people went through my shit and And I courted like 500 tweets 500. I mean a shit ton of two. I don't know if it's that it's a lot Yeah, they delete it because they want you to learn a lesson. So they make you delete the tweets Like you're in timeout. You have to say what you did is bad. I mean it's like Because it's a world filled with baby adults. What a collection of pussies. Well, I don't miss Somebody goes because hey, I mean what if somebody put something about you on Reddit?

It's again, I'm like, I'll never know about it. No zero. Yeah, zero. Well, be news to me That's the joy of social whatever I couldn't know, you know I was always I was always in it to never read anybody else's comments. Yeah, and only just make myself talk. Yeah, but Now I just don't I mean I can't I like I said to I can't believe I ever for free Would be like come be look at my process or some shit. Yeah Yeah, fuck yourself giving it away by a fucking ticket you fuck. Thank you Unbelievable. So anyway Now you everybody's got to care though about your fucking tweet like when I hear another thing

Oh, what did he tweet now about the president like if you give a shit about tweets? I you deserve whatever he tweeted that was horrible Like if you give a shit what someone tweeted and I don't care what they tweeted if you give a shit You're you're as loathsome as someone who gives a shit if some fucking there is a mulatto football players lose the flag or not There was a lady. I don't even say flag anymore. Yeah. Yeah, there was a lady going after me like two weeks He's alert a flag like he should say she's like skin boy She was having PTSD from my tweets she was this woman who was Flashbacks really what would you say? I haven't tweeted in a year. So she's going and searching through

She's using a search on it. Yeah to find tweets of mine where I said the word rape and then screen-capping and be like Can you believe he did this in 2012 every orgasm she had she took another yeah, that's three PTSD She just gave me rape is rape, but also tweet tweet is rape Well, I'm really I do get it from I understand when uh was who's a girl that David Cross when ching chong to at a party Charlene Oh, what was this? It was what if he was just trying to say her name? It was a hashtag me to know the story Yeah, it was a hashtag me too, right? I should go so it's always like rapes and shit and then she comes in with at a party David Cross one up

I'm saying ching chong. He asked me if my feet were bound And then he said he said please don't do karate at me or something which by the way hilarious Yeah, very funny. I know David cause it's back. What a crazy way to go through life Always being primed to be triggered by someone saying ching chong to you. That's your threshold I mean I feel I feel bad for everybody that is like now finding out that it's not cool to be racist to Asians anymore Because like that was the one that you could go at was it? Oh, yeah, when always that's why David Cross did that If I was there and by the way, I haven't heard his account and whatever it is, I believe it I Believe men hashtag. Yeah, I believe men. No, it's a bad time. Yeah people I believe because of their genitals

Who's I just think the Asians are a tricky race and you can't say they're inscrutable. Yeah Yeah, you can't screw them because you don't know who's yeah, you got your Filipinos. You got your Korean It's a fair point and also Indian people are Asian if technically up Basically, they just want to lure you into their railroad side prostitution den and steal all your lithium. That's how you can't trust them They look to that Massage make sure your nails aren't sharp. They do handle a lot of body stuff. That's the thing is funny Like it like actual Chinese people use to live with those people from Hong Kong. Yeah, I fucking love Chinese. I know like They're the best people in the world. That's my favorite thing about Chinese people when I was in China is like they don't give a shit

Oh, what's that? They don't give a shit about that. That's just a that's like a you know, ABC's they call American born Chinese So that's just ABC shit. Yeah, well regular Chinese people They don't even like all of this is like conversations about social impropriety or whatever regular Chinese people still spit outside and shove people like They're still on that level doing that by the way No, they do it in Chinatown and it's not because and it's not there's no malice there. It's it's just logical It's like if you're in my way, I'm going to shove you out of the way to get to you know, my Medicine shop that's you know, seaweed or whatever they think There's nobody more aggressive on a subway than an old Asian woman trying to get the last seat. Yeah, and they're not

Are you saying old Chinese women are not are not afflicted by the scourge of man-spreading They will push you right out of you To move their leg They'll knock you out the way with their little pink plastic bags Yeah, it's too creepy for me to say can you move your leg and you guys figured in or no speaking English? Anyway, meanwhile, they do they just want to be rude. Uh-huh. Anyway, Charlie Rose is what I want it because as you recall He had his fucking night to interview right right about the problem of me now. Did you I didn't watch interview? You watched it, right? Oh, what a jolly rose. I mean Charlie Rose is directing it

I want to whatever question he said as as a man that's never raped anyone Can I ask you Amy? What is your opinion on this Kurt Metzger? By the way a rapist I Personally have never raped I just show people my penis Oh man, Charlie Rose came out the shower with us and his intern was there. What did he do? He had his penis. I would have his penis outside of his regular pants. I know I got a f-train I don't get so hot in the summer you would want to breeze on your

My balls would get so humid in the summer I'm not exposing myself. I'm cool and all Let me please stop and let me make an apology No, I want to say that in 45 years of broadcast I sometimes used my outside penis Well when I got my start I remember to use my inside penis every most of the entertainers were in blackface So you would pull your penis out of your pants to show your true race Because your hands and face were painted black That was okay back then. Why are you different time? Why are you the cool-hand Luke sheriff and Charlie?

What we have here? Well once it becomes a sex criminal you got to hang him up the southern Affectation, that's hilarious. You got to hand it up. Yeah. Listen. He's an old Caroline What did all this happen with Charlie Rose? How many years ago? Well, I heard he Barry told me about him right after I was upset back like a year ago with that shit, but it was like oh well So you know about Charlie Rose and told me that that's what his deal was and it was well-known So I was like you motherfucker Yeah, this is Brian Brian Sean. He's one of our number one fans. Hey, I know

I don't know if you remember black people or not Well, I remember you and now Brian is a fan appreciation day. I brought a fan in here Oh speaking of fan appreciating that you appreciate him Appreciate all the fans all fans matter You got a hashtag on Yeah, I was getting his hashtag you ready for after this podcast He's a little bashing. He's shy Did you have fun at the show last night, Brian? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was a good show, huh?

Yeah, it was a good show guy. It was a good show. Yeah, that homecoming show is sold out now in the comedy cell of Village Underground. Yeah Yeah, how was I forgot I was gonna say Trying so hard to give a shit And I keep forgetting just breathe and take your time you home you amongst friends something about Charlie Rose It was gonna be really fun. You're not gonna get a Hollywood smack from us We're not gonna smack you around like you did a Hollywood smack. Oh, they gave him a nice open hand Curt do your work. Oh my god. I have to do my work every day. I hate They work in them. I hate having to be professional and I am not

You come in with crumbled notes. Oh my god, if there was some way to crumble up a laptop You know, it's being professional is Charlie If I could do a Charlie Rose style, it'd be a whole different Come in the office. Hello, ladies. How many years ago that Charlie Rose did this happen? How many was this recently? It was this week. No, it was like if one steam can get away with it So can I can you imagine with that old old old beloved civil war penis? He's a hundred and thirteen My feet penis for for the south

It's not exposure if you have a wooden penis that you lost during Antietam father against nephew Dick against balls the bloodiest day in American history Okay, so remember I told you about a fan that called me up And I thought I was missing a spot and it like I missed a set somewhere and a guy goes Hey, Kirk, you help me move a mattress down from one of 160 186 to 160 some fan that live by by me Yeah, some guy. How do you get your number? You remember we were in this we're in that bodega and some guy recognized me and I was all like Remember it's so vividly. Oh my god. It's Kermit Kerr my favorite mess girl. Yeah, that's right And he said it like that and then I bumped in him again. He asked me I knew where to get weed

So this is where I fucked up. This was in your neighborhood in my neighbor. Okay, this is where I fucked up Hey, I go. All right. I'll text you maybe if I know where to get weed, right? He had my number, right? That's my fault that part Okay, so that I forgot about I'm like, oh the guy moved. I didn't I didn't even look for weed. I'm like I know It's not assault But here's why here's why I hashtag me to this So I'm sitting at home. Okay, and then my phone rings. I think I I think I missed a spot somewhere

I forgot a spot at a club because it's like a New York number He goes, hey, man, this is a we'll call him a Brian or whatever. I don't know He goes, it's Brian. Listen up. Can you let me move a mattress down from 180. I Go I gotta go. But dude. It was like a horror movie here And then it like in like curb your enthusiasm fashion you help the guy move the mattress Somebody sees a picture of you somebody snaps a picture and then it's Kurt Metzger mocking that girl at Columbia Kurt Metzger stages parody of Harvey Weinstein's

Honoration master mattress. Apologize. She's writing a paper Wouldn't be more wrong. That's Unfounded charges should have very definite sentences from all of us until we forget or get mad at someone else Which has already happened with Weinstein, by the way You know as the district attorney's office said they were gonna indict him last week and that just didn't happen And it's probably not gone. What? They just dropped it. I heard fucking Israeli spies to intimidate people and he fucking raped I like that Rose McGowan called for Louis to be prosecuted. Yeah, for his

King yeah, oh the guy from the reporter, dude. Yeah, John King the fucking he was All those donations and that's right. I like him. Yeah, he's my kind of he's Today I get a call say I think it's a call from a shut like it because I have some spot I forgot about right call. Hey, man. It's your neighbor for Washington Heights. You remember me. I'm like, oh, so that he called again today Oh today and I go so I'm thinking it's like this man. I don't know why I should move a mattress I don't even know what it's gonna be, but I already didn't want to deal with whatever it was, right? So I'm like, yeah, I'm like, how am I just back in town to catch this As I'm just thinking people not saying move to man spider. Just go. Hey, don't call me. It's so weird when you do it every time

He goes, so man, what's going on? I'm like, hey man. Listen. I'm really busy and goes, okay. Yeah I just gonna see you help me. I got some stuff at the dollar store. I'm trying to look down this. Did he really? He called me to move shit today. Who's buying that much shit at the dollar store? Then he recognized everything that was as seen on TV. What in the fuck is this? I mean, I've never heard of such a thing. A roadside emergency repair kit. Turns out you can have too many dollars I think he recognized Kurt at the store, but he recognized you as somebody else. He thought I was that great Mover, stocking stuffers for Mexican. You got Russian mover? Don't you work as shleppers? In adult Mexicans. You're a fucking man. It was a horror movie. Do you have a squirt gun for Christmas? Do you have a squirt gun collection?

I love the gold of Dollar General and get a squirt gun collection. I think he knew you were back. He's stalking you this dude. Because I put all over the Twitter's that uh, Kurt's back. Yeah. Oh, well, that's why he called you right away knowing your every movement that he's gonna fuck it. Idiot. What idiot did you? He's gonna be to shoot Kurt in the fucking chest. He's gonna get down in the army stance and shoot you right in your chest outside your building and kill you like John Lennon. As long as I don't have to help him move. As long as I don't need to help him move nothing. What's going on? I don't fucking know. Let's take a quick break. No, it's not break time. What are you not? We're on for seven minutes. Yeah, what's wrong with you? No, let's take a quick break and go back to it. I got a piss.

You got a pee? Go pee. Yeah, you can just go piss, right? I don't feel that the show should continue without me. No, go pee. It's been continuing without you. That's what the show is now. I'm you. That's what the show is now. We still got plenty of Charlie Rose stuff to talk about. But now, I'm out with my penis. I like to come out with my penis. Outside my robe. I talked to Ms. Amy Schubert. That's hilarious. Now, Amy, did you always drink so much for this movie train wreck? And how did Kurt Metzger? When did he first say he loved rape? Charlie Rose. So did he quit the morning show? What's going on? He's fired. They fired him? He stopped airing his show. Wait a minute. They fired him from CBS Morning Show. CBS and CBS or whatever he was about to say. And PBS. He's fired. The Charlie Rose show's no more. It's done.

They deleted every episode. That's crazy. Oh, I like the thing where the new WWE Hulk Hogan thing where you remove all traces from it. That's what the Nazis would do to people that, you know, they would erase like the entire, like there was some town that executed. It's important. It's like ancient Egypt with the Jews. And there were never Jews. That's harsh. The HBO got rid of Louie's entire catalog. Wow. Wow. Wow. Really? But these things will come back. Like these are businesses burning bridges that they think will cost them money. And that's it. If they think they'll make money on it later, it'll be back. Of course. It'll be a new head of somewhere doing it. We're finally going to have the comedy we want, which is a trans person that's been doing it for six months, getting a new hour every three weeks. Can I tell you something? How excited I am about? Can I tell you how excited I am about the new Cameron Esposito?

Oh, wait. Oh, did it come back from the letter writing campaign? What? Her show? Yeah, it was canceled. But I'm excited to say. Who's show? Cameron Esposito. The great Cameron Esposito. She's got a show. Another show? No, it's off the air, but it was important. Well, CISO was done, right? It was on CISO, and now the whole thing's gone. But there's a chance that someone else could pick it up. CISO is a real, what's it called? A real stock bubble. That's the thing I don't understand is these people continue to get money and chances and work, and then they're like,

wow, when is it going to be our turn? It's been your turn for ten years. No one's watching me. Speaking over guitar. Yeah, but when are we going to have it so that all the comics we ever loved are removed from history? Yeah. So we can make enough room for the Cameron Esposito tomorrow. Also executed and removed from real life? Yeah.

I don't like the way they made me feel like I wasn't as funny as them. I would love to be in a gulag. I would really love to be just a political prisoner. You've been preparing for years. I wouldn't have to worry about anything. I was just sitting in a fucking bunk bed, read banned books all day, learned how to make knives out of common objects. Forge for peanuts. I would thrive in that environment.

Maybe you could make a rudimentary spear. Hunt domesticated chickens. I would embrace that lifestyle. I would rewild them. Charlie Manson just died and he was 83 years old. That's a long, nice life. He spent almost the entire time in prison. Maybe that's the answer.

Is carving a swastika into your forehead? Charles Manson was the first to kill somebody because I didn't get a record deal. I'm going to be famous when we are another guy. I was never one of those serial killers or cool kind of people. Find that very surprising because you look like seven of them. You look like seven different shows I've seen. You look like seven pieces of their victims mushed into one new person. That also kills and rapes.

Would you fuck me? I'd fucked me. You could be a killer or a victim in any decade. Any century. I can see him getting killed in the 70s. Nothing good happens with his penis. I love to see all the fucking... Basically anybody that joins a Twitter mob, you're guilty of rape.

Anyone that came at me, you're guilty. You're all going after Lena Dunham now for doing the only reasonable thing she's ever done. I've known this guy for 10 years and I don't think he did this. Who did she say that about? The girl's writer that was accused of rape. What she said was pretty fucking harsh. The woman that accused her was some 17-year-old girl or accused him. How old was he when it happened?

I don't know. I don't give a shit. I don't know who that guy is or who that woman is. That story is like a rape happened. The woman was like, some women do lie. Mass mating season? Some do. Mass mating season? Some do.

She says unfortunately... She's dipstick tweeted that women never lie. Women lie about what they had for lunch but never rape. Really, they never do. Statistically, 3% of women do lie about rape. Wow, that's a lot more than the 0.0% from the end. The number was 2%. She upped it to 3% because everyone always says 2%.

She upped it to 3%. The whole milk of false rape accusation. That's a lot of false rape. She goes... She halved in half that shit. That's full cream. That's water milk, fake rape. That is a whipping game.

Unfortunately, this situation is one of the 3% of falsely reported rape. She straight up calls the woman a liar. She's not even being a character witness for her friend. I find it hard to believe that my friend did this. I know I've said believe every woman and we can believe this woman. But I just want to say I have to be in my friend's corner on this. She doesn't understand tact. She doesn't know how to fucking do it.

But her sentiment, which is like, this is somebody I know, they've been accused of a very serious crime at a time when that will destroy... So he had charges pressed against him. No, she just said that he raped her. What happened going to the police? Why people don't do that? Well, the police, nobody trusts the police anymore. It's not like comfortable and fun.

Which they shouldn't. That ain't comfortable, but if something's really happening, why is a Facebook... Here's why people don't go to the police, because Harvey Weinstein is not going to be prosecuted. And all of this, all of this fucking fallout, nothing's going to happen to Harvey Weinstein. He's straight up raped multiple people. That's why don't go to the police. Everybody's not rich like Harvey Weinstein.

But also, you can just file something. Can't you just give them a heads up so they have it on record? If something comes out, they'll be like, oh, there's a record of this, although it wasn't actionable or whatever. You can do that, and that's not nothing. Let me put it this way. If I got mugged, I'm not calling the police. It's just, it's not, nothing's going to happen.

But then anybody steal your pussy though. Yeah, but that's, that's seriously different. If somebody like sexually attacked you, if you... That's real election. If you were done coming, you would go to the police. By collecting dismembered pussies, I keep them. Do they could steal any of your sweet lip pussy? That's what I call your mustache and lips.

Look, a lot of people have moustaches. There's a lot of different kinds of moustaches. There's cool ones like mine, you know, and then there's all the bad ones. Also like yours. No. Indistinguishable. No. It's a good one.

Sometimes I don't trim it right, you know, and it might get a little pedorasty, but I think... Sometimes it's just a mailman. Sometimes. Sometimes it's norm. Yeah. I get close to firefighter sometimes, you know, it takes a lot of work. You teach kids about woodworking.

That's why the towers fell down. It's because they were perfecting their moustaches all morning and they couldn't get there in time. A lot of work goes into those. People think it's easy. It's not fucking easy. It's not. Oh my God.

Woodworking is a good thing. I think it's great that things are handled with just hearsay on social media. Once again, I wanted to say how wrong I was to ever doubt that system. I don't see how any of it could go wrong. Oh man, that's funny. Hit close to home. That's funny. But if you lean it down, go full support behind it.

It could never hit you close to home ever. Yeah. It could never be a friend or something like that. It's not really how it shows over, right? It is important though, like if you were one of the people that's saying like, hey, we should embrace due process, now that all of this shit is being thrown back in their faces and destroying all of them, it's like important to stick to your principles and still defend people like lean it down in this instance because you don't want to fall into

the like, oh good. Now I'm going to embrace this mob justice bullshit. Yeah, mob justice. Isn't he a hypocrite? Yeah. No, it's fine. If the 30s taught us anything, if the 1860s through, well, I guess something like the 70s taught us anything, we always get the right people.

Oh, Kurt, welcome home, Kurt. That's what I want to say. No, I'm glad I came back at the right time because I'm sure people are wondering what I was going to say. And I just want to say fully support this. They were wondering. Hashtag, I believe. They were vocally wondering outside of.

I believe literally any woman doesn't matter how fucking much of a dingbat she is. Or how fucking psychotic she is. It's still a vagina, still believable. And that is literally the only choice we have in this world. It's the only truth. It's the only truth. I'm just telling my truth. Can we all just stand in our truth?

Jesus Christ. Is that like Oprah talk? Yeah, it sounds a little opary. Yeah. I wonder what Gail thinks about this. Gail King's a friend of mine. Why are there so many different ways? Friend of the show.

Friend of the show. He's standing in my truth. Why are there so many different ways to get away? Why do you find a way to work that into every episode? Let's go to my Gail corner, my Gail King corner. Let's talk about friend of the show, Donald Trump and friend of the show, his way. Friend of the show, Melania Trump. They're all friends.

They are dear, older friends of the show. Look at this beef between him and LeVar Ball. Oh, yeah. I went with that. Didn't they have Twitter? A Twitter fight? Beefing for one second. LeVar Ball was the father.

Not embarrassing as a beef. Might actually be entertaining. He's the father of the UCLA player, right? Yeah. One of them got arrested. He got arrested in China. And Trump got them all released because it was going to do 10 years in China last week. That's such an embarrassing dad.

LeVar who? LeVar Ball. Ball. B-A-L-I. And who the fuck is this? Come on. He's heard with you, Ben. He's a kind of loud dad.

Yeah, he's a loud dad. I understand how they imprison people in China. China's already a prison. Dumb Dumb's been there. He said it was one of the best times of his life. Yo, Star Trek actor LeVar Burton has been getting angry tweets meant for LeVar Ball. You're not even reading rainbow? Kuntekinte's got to go through this bullshit.

Haven't Kuntekinte been through enough? He got whup! They called him Toby. They only got fucking Twitter beef. Toby's a cat's name. That's not his beef. Oh, that's so brutal. Wow.

So they got caught with what? They stole something. Sunglasses. Sunglasses. They stole sunglasses in China. Yes. Why do Chinese people need sunglasses? Come on.

Are they shaped different than I would say glasses, Nick? No, no, I'm saying they're either. Oh, they shape differently. It's not like they have to worry about the sun hurting their eyes. Because of the small? We're already squinting. You don't need sunglasses. Well, you do, but you need just one square inch of them right in the middle of your

eyes. Everything else is just a giant frame. Yeah, just a piece of cassette tape. One of those old timey cameras. It's just a hole in the bottom. You bust open an old cassette. They're sitting around. You don't need them anymore.

It's the thing you used to look at eclipses. They look like black shoelaces. Oh, so he's done. They're all star trekky. Just a piece of licorice. You guys are the worst. That's OK. OK, so his kid's dumb and the dude's dumb.

That's all I'm getting from this. Yeah, but he's good player, though. Good player. Put up the points. He understands ball. He's going to go number one. He understands ball and good, but don't touch those sunglasses. Do you know what a fucking batshit you have to be to steal in China?

You've got to be dumb. The cops don't fuck with you at all unless you fuck with a Chinese person. In that case, you are fucked. People are straight up just coke dealers and shit. Every night club you go to, the expats can kind of do whatever the fuck they want. Really? As long as you're not... Listen, you could be smoking a joint from a cop.

They don't know what the fuck it is. They don't care. You can't cross a Chinese person. They're steal from them or mugged out or any shit like that. Because they always believe. Because they believe every Chinese person. They have to believe every Chinese person. Chinese people have the unity that women will never have.

Yeah, they got it. Me too. I don't know where women are united. Me too. That's all of their names. That's kind of their John Jacob Jingleheimer shit. My name is also new team. It's my name too.

Whenever he comes out, the people yell and shout, They go John Jacob Jingleheimer shit. John Jacob Jingleheimer shit. John Jacob Jingleheimer shit. He name my name too. We have same name. They go... Don't you remember when we had Storm Xu sending in his Chinese racism?

Oh yes, it was great. I gotta get more from him. He probably knows about this LeVar ball. Yeah, he probably dropped down more. We'll get Storm to write this in. He's like, those kids stealing. Chinese are like laughing at what Pussy's people are. I don't know what it is about these kids that think they can go to other countries.

Definitely those countries. They're like the dude who got killed in North Korea. They don't beat his brain and give him poison soup. They said his ass back. He was better than a parent. They fed it to him on purpose? My theory is they were giving him Botox to make him look more Korean. And they did too much.

They said this is going to be our... We're going to create a sleeper agent. We're going to take this frat boy and puff up his eyes until he looks like a bloated Korean corpse. Send him back to the United States having killed Trump. And the nice thing was he also suffered from migraines. So it's like two birds with one stone. Remember he was like my family. Oh my head hurts so bad.

They're like Otto came back weird. He came back to sleep. I mean he really liked Korea. He stole like a poster or something. He got arrested. Maybe he was on TV crying like my little brother needs me. He got sick over there. Who knows.

He's some dumb frat boy asshole. What the fuck would you do that in North Korea? Bad move. First of all don't go to North Korea. Just don't go there. Why are you there if you're that kind of a jerk off? Why is it anybody there? They have those vacations.

Is there a fucking like a exchange program of douchebags? It's not like Cuba where it's like yeah well smoke some cigars or whatever and we're kind of just at the embargo. I mean North Korea is like an enemy of the United States. They fucking hate the United States. Why was that guy there anyway? But they have these travel agents that do most dangerous travels and you can go anywhere you want and they'll get you there.

They ain't gonna get you back. Apparently he tried to kill himself and they were just holding him for a year because he was in the coma the entire year. That's what they say. They were like oh the shit. This is gonna start a war. But he came back stiff maybe. Barely breathing and died a couple weeks after he got here.

A few days later. A few days later. My goodness. They killed him Kurt. Don't that mean anything to you? You know North Korea I've been losing a lot of sleep over lately and part of it was when I heard about Eminem's blistering anti-Trump rap. I thought that was a weapon from North Korea.

I did not realize it was from Eminem. Oh my god. They have the blistering style part too. Anti-Trump rap. That was a good rap. Come on now. You know that song was a hot song. Wow.

You know my favorite part. I can't say it enough. My favorite part of that was Keith Overman's like being like I always thought rap was bad but now it's great. No. Yeah. Overman tweeted that. Shut up.

You sound like a white elite is just like oh when the niggas did it it was nothing. I didn't care. But now it means something close his white mouth. Literally exactly his point. No. It's not like saying that. That's what he said. I said it last night and it bears repeating.

I like that his eight black friends were standing quietly and respectfully. Eminem was at D unit. Doing his rap scene. I don't know what unit it was. They didn't speak up. It's D12 but I don't think that was them. They were saying to not hurt. Mr. M is rap singing sir.

Please keep it down while Mr. Eminem. Normally I don't care for rap singing but such quiet respectful boys there. I thought it was OK this time. There's a good example. It is good. Take down Trump blistering. You think Eminem is a voter. He is now.

Blistering. I think he thinks he just voted. Now vote for other guy. That's such a step down for him to do something. Because that's like Macklemore level. Trump used to be boys though. Trump introduced him at Trump Plaza in New York City. I'll get it Trump.

Introduced him like he was campaigning for him and brought out Eminem. When he was shady. It's kind of a sad story because Slim Shady is for Trump. But Eminem is against him. It's been real divisive. All the guys that were the Slim Shady clones and real Slim Shady definitely voted for Donald Trump. All of Eminem's fans voted for him.

Eminem still has a lot of black fans. He does. I met the ones that mattered. The people that put him on the map. When I say all lives matter I still believe it. I don't pick certain lives that matter. I stand by the phrase all lives matter. So no sir I will not.

All of them. I would only exclude the Down syndrome babies. Those are the ones. All lives don't matter. They've cured essentially in Down syndrome. Like before birth? They just never have Down syndrome. They're just aborting all of them.

Now these Down syndrome activists are like hold on. They're just killing all of them. What? Really? How do you know? Because you can tell before birth. They can tell before birth now. Can you?

Yeah. So they find out and now it creates this sort of tricky question for people that are both pro-choice and also... So all of Finland's like fuck him will you go and kill all of them? Yeah. They've like mostly gotten rid of him. You know it's easy. Yeah.

It's a no. So what's a no? If you know that early... If I knew... I mean it's a yes to abortion. If I knew that someone was going to have like a severely... It was going to be a whole thing for that person, my life. I would never enjoy the same quality of life as me.

I'd be like fuck it. If I knew my wife was going to have like a retarded son and like I knew we were going to be moving a lot or we're on like a fifth floor walk up or something or we're going to bring the groceries up every day then yes of course I'm going to have a stronger son. I want him to be as strong as possible. You want him to work wood.

Daddy, where to put this refrigerator? Just carry it. Three old kids got a friend in there. He carries his car off the lot. Congrats dad. I'm going to get one of those boxes that princesses used to ride around in in Egypt. I'm going to have all my down syndrome sons carried around town. Daddy, I broke my school today.

The other men with normal sons will say look son. The most important father in town and his beautiful retarded boys. You teaching them to write in broken pencils everywhere? You should be about to finish. You should move to Finland. Here's the idea. Nick moves to Finland. He has chromosomes added on purpose to each of his beautiful sons. He goes all around town.

We wear those fucking Lapland hats. It's called dumb as a reindeer. I just do the Schindler's list of down syndrome babies in Finland. I have a candy factory where I shelter all of the down syndrome. When Nick commands him to attack. Here's the lesson they learn when they eventually turn on everyone. Human chimpanzees. Is that wrong?

It's scientifically accurate. Is it polite? Some circles now. I hate to think that race wars is the kind of show where you're going to be unsafe to hear things like that. People don't cut to new to race wars to not feel safe. There's one down syndrome listener that's like I've heard enough and he unplugged the headphones from the speaking spell. He's like they mentioned me.

Love this show. Can you help me move a rubber mattress next week? By move I mean B. Can you be my mattress? I'm a huge fan. I always bring it up when I talk about China. You know what I'm going to say. I already know what Nick's going to say.

They just wiped those out in China. It's called mongolism. It's named after him. The white man named it. God gave up the names. I can tell you exactly who it is. It was John Langdon Downs. He wrote a paper in the 1880s called ethnic classifications of idiots. Every type of retarded person.

I think we have a title. That's definitely the title. I remember you and Black Sheep came out. He pointed at retarded people and said Chinese, Black, Puerto Rican. That was science back then. I love science. A white guy had to have mutton chops. A frilly collar and say whatever shit came to mind.

Ben Franklin was just a drunk guy. That's still the entire legal system in England. All you have to do is have a wig and the judges and lawyers and shit. You can say whatever the fuck you want. That's what science was. A white man would get drunk. MONGOLISM! They used to call him chink chink face.

The theory was that your ancestor fucked a celestial or whatever. Then the genes trickled down and manifested themselves as a... A celestial? You mean like from Marvel? What's a celestial? An Asian person. Why would they be called celestials? I was trying to use period accurate terms. Celestials?

Have you seen Deadwood? Surgeons always saying celestials. These cock-sucking celestials. What does that mean? They look to the stars for answers. Foreign? Does it mean foreigners? Celestials means Asians on Deadwood. Immense people who are mostly made of gas.

We should totally scrap African-American and use celestials. I'm using my Asians for now on. Take back the night. I mean, I need some celestial food tonight. But after you eat celestial food, you're hungry half-highly. Yeah, the celestial... It's mostly grass. Here we go. The little Google finger's got his racist googling.

Yeah, because we like to learn here on this show. What's it say? So that we can be better racists. Oh yeah, dear Jebes, Mr. Jebes, racist. Racist Jebes. I ask Jebes. Why do they used to call people from China celestials? Because it's called the Celestial Empire.

Oh. So they... Hold on. Why did foreigners call them celestials? Because they were citizens of the Celestial Empire. Okay. It was introduced innocently by newspaper writers. In those days, they felt good...

No, they knew. They felt that good writing meant a feverish search for synonyms. Right. They wanted names to call them. Yeah, yeah. I've got syphilis. Who was that one? I mean, what on? My brain is on the outside of my head. Oh, let's call them heebie jeebies.

I've got scars all over my cerebrum from syphilis. I need to come up with new words for the other races. This is my hair. It's just a brain. I thought you chink chink face was up there. Name the top seven. And it was a thing to kind of... Racist white man. It was like absurd.

Like, because they were like, you're not Celestial, so they call them Celestial-like. It's like a little sarcastic. Yeah, it's a term of not endearment. Like, dude, get this laundry done. Is there a nigger word of the time for Asians? The white man is the devil. Yes, we are. And then they try to bring the word back in dead wood,

get a young generation into it. They called white people molestials. Molestials? That makes sense. Oh, so this is interesting. Uh-oh. So calling a mere laundry man, a laundryman,

Celestial was an irony that even the least educated anti-Chinese white hoodlum could understand, so it rapidly became an insult for some, while others, especially journalists, continued to use it with less prejudicial intent as a synonym for China man. So liberals, I guess, were saying it, I guess like an African-American.

Right. But then if you were like, yeah, you African-American. It's like how waiters call black people Canadians. Right. Well, that's only when black people aren't there. When we're not there, they call us niggas like everybody else. Oh, yeah. I've never been a waiter, I don't know.

That's why I don't tip is because of their widespread racism. I'm getting back to that. You're taking a knee for us? Thank you. I'll save the six, seven dollars a meal to stand up for my friends. That's my brother. I love my brother, man.

It's funny, but I think Nick really doesn't tip. No, I know he does not. I tip, I actually tip pretty well. You're now making fucking 30 grand a fucking month? I pay people, everybody gets paid. Son of a bitch. Son of a bitch. Nick had my hot chocolate the other day

and he wouldn't stop talking about it. Yeah, you gotta brag about how much money you got. It's fucked up and unfair to not tell people how much money you make. That's a bullshit thing companies came up with to exploit people. Yeah, other people you work with do the same job by all means tell them how much money

you make, but I don't want to jerk off some Patreon. Oh no. Every knowing what I pull in, why would I ever want to... I don't get Venmo. Would you want the public to know? Why would I ever want the public to know any transaction that I do?

What are you doing? I hope everybody sees this. Are you familiar with this? Young man. Let's ask this young fan. But Venmo trying to share public shit is just weird. But that's what the kids like nowadays.

They like a nice overshare. I don't know. That's just weird to me. I never put public show on Venmo. I only just pay my rent on Venmo, so I don't really give a shit. If it was like tiny dick medicine, then maybe I would make that private,

but I don't really care. I'm going to actually say tiny dick medicine on every... Listen, I know how motherfuckers are watching Venmo and see when you pay your rent, scheme on you, and then hit you over the head the day before you usually Venmo it. Oh, you mean somebody else trying to get me

to pay my roommate like they use a fake name? No, they'll just follow your money, see what days you pay your rent, the day before you usually pay your rent, they'll smash you over your head, make you Venmo it to them, or just take your money. I don't want anybody knowing any... they'll fix on it. Niggas is that hungry.

They will be like this every July, 7th, here we go. And they'll fucking rob you. Yeah. They'll rob you. There's like telling people you got money in your pocket and when you pay your bills and when you walk into the store, look at me with $20, everybody! That's why I love those. Get chips!

You know those deposit envelopes that they have just for deposits that they give to like employees to put money and it's like those are only ever filled with a shit ton of cash. And they're supposed to be discreet. You might as well just have a burlap sack and go school with Keystone Coppett

with a big sap. What do I work with? Got cocked with a goddamn brick and they stole like fucking just like 9 grand or something. Wow. Because they study and see what time everybody comes to drop money off. And honestly, good. Anybody who works in production deserves to have that.

Jesus. Because they're always somebody's nephew, you know? Yeah, nepotism. Nefutism. That's right. I'm sick of nefutism. That's the most annoying type of autism. The rampant nefutism. Abort them, I say.

Oh yeah, we were talking about aborting. What? Aborting. John Langdon Downs. John Langdon Downs. Who's birthday is today, by the way. I don't know. Every day is your birthday when you're retarded. That's right, but he wasn't retarded though.

You come on down to McDonald's. We got a birthday every day for you. Welcome. The God in China they don't. He wasn't retarded. He was their Frankenstein doctor, right? McDonald's is retarded people's fooboo. They love the toys. They love that ball pit.

And they can work there. And they can work there. For us by our side. Yeah, it's their fooboo, but it's spelled B-5-A. House. And emoji. God bless them though. God bless his heart. Hey, they're trying.

God bless his heart. They spell it cat. It's fine. They do a really good job. We can polish those balls. My goodness. Has it flown by the first episode that quick? You are the worst kind of person. I felt like a special person in a ball pit.

This whole episode. Is it time to go home already, mom? No, it's not home time. What kind of, but no. So you got some plugs, dum-dum? What are you in here? What are you doing? What are your guys' plugs? I'm Thursday and Friday.

I think I'm at the standing room. Either way, it'll be a good show. There's always good comics, so go to one of them. I've plugged the shows. Hopefully I can get more spots from doing that. Nice. Brian, you want to plug something? Sure, my Twitter.

There you go. Go for it. Plug it out. He's our number one fan over here. Brian Marible, our number one fan. And it's a great day today that our number one fan could be here. Thank you, Kurt. Finally you realized that. I'm really stalling for time to find my dates.

Goddammit, Karen, go! I am at Karen Margolis, mostly on Insti. As you already know, and I guess Twitty, but we'll talk. And at Unhireable show, and it's on... The show is Unhireable if you want to check it out. And I'll be at Stand Up New York tomorrow at 10.30.

Yeah. And it's a free show? Can I hang out? Yes. When is that? That's tomorrow, Thursday. And where's go-to-gig Tommy? Where's he been? Wednesday. Wednesday. It's Wednesday at Stand Up New York at 10.30.

OK. I just want to thank our number one fan for being here. One more time. You are the worst kind of person, Kurt. No one has ever seen plug-stuffing. Go buy shirts from Tommy's booth. I believe it's good. Urban Cricket at the Union Square.

It's your holiday market. I think it's December 7th is the date at Smalls in Detroit. OK. December 22nd, Come Town Live at Black Hat in DC. There you go. That's a plug. That's a big show. Black Hat.

Black Hat, I mean. People of Detroit, Friday, December 8th. I'll be playing the Big Time Garbage Fest. Yeah, there you go. A whole festival they named after you? No, it's... I guess I'm headlined. There's a nice poster made.

And it's a joint Smalls. My people's own it. It's a... I said throw Kurt some work, y'all. Reggie Smalls, cousin Reggie Smalls. Thoman and Kurt some work. And he's like, not now, Sharod. I'm in the background of an Eminem video.

I'm trying to quietly support Master Matters. Did he just say Trump? Yeah. Don't forget Small World Comedy presents The Festivist for the Restivist. The Filthy, Filthy, Filthy Holiday Show. That's going to be at the Comedy Cell on December 9th.

Tuesday, December 19th. Tuesday, December 19th, 10.30 p.m. Get your tickets now on ComedyCellar.com. It's The Festivist for the Restivist. The Filthy, Filthy, Filthy. Filthy. Standup Comedy Show. We got Big J. We got Michelle Wolf. We got Jordan.

Kurt's back. Kurt's going to be on there. What's the date? December 19th. December 19th, 10.30 p.m. That's going to be at the Comedy Cell. We got a bunch of people coming through. Make sure you get your tickets at ComedyCellar.com. Small World. And that's the end of the show.

Yeah, all your mothers. Welcome back, brothers. MUSIC