The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 79 – Race Wars Crossover

Episode Date: November 22, 2017

Stav and adam are gone so we did another one of these.

This is a stand-up New York Labs production, providing you podcast since 2013. It's what we do, baby. This is Race Wars. With Kurt Metzker. No, you fucking mine, dude. And Charon Small. Saddle down, bitch, race wars. All right, can we go back?

Race Wars. Guess who's in the house with a mouthful of food? I thought the song was coming. No, the song's not coming. The song already played. And they're like it played already. God damn it, Kurt. Are they putting the song in in a post?

Yes, I believe. Yeah, they'll put it on a post next. Kurt, welcome back. Thank you, everyone. Oh, my God. What do you eat in the fucking, what is that? You are openly disrespectful. You eat like a runaway.

Just Coca-Cola and pastries. Motherfucker, did your parents die? Why do you eat like this? Were you raised in a well? Why don't I hear my own headphones? I hear you. I know, but I'm plugged into you for some reason. Oh, John.

Can you adjust the headphones? Shelby usually does it. Really? Nick, Bowen's in the house, my white daughter's in the house and Kurt's here. Nick, what's up, man?

Oh, wait. This is also a Comptown. No, no, no. Why are you listening? What are you doing? Turning up your shit. Turn it down. It's insane.

Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. I almost went deaf just now. I had it right it perfect. All of a sudden it's getting louder and louder. We get it. Sherrod's black.

Welcome back, Kurt. Thank you. Now, what we're talking about. What was happening? Nick Mullen is also saying And then it's also an episode. Oh, my God, focus. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. Someone was coming in in the background. What is going? What is? I'll tell you what. It's Comtown, too. It's episode of Comtown. It is.

We're doing a dual episode. One of these joint ventures. There we go. Yeah. We both do half the work. Yes. You know, for twice the financial gain. I see, that's how you work it.

See, Nick know how to work the system. Right. Next learn this old Patreon game. Yeah. We've got to listen to him. Yeah, he has. How much you make it now a month? A million?

I don't know. I think it's a 23,000 a month now. Jesus Christ. How is everything with your commie friends in the communist world of communist? Oh, the communists make more money than I do. That's my favorite part of that whole thing. Wait, how do they make it money? Same thing, Patreon.

I stole their business model. Right, this was a communist. That we then stole. Yeah, yeah. I know they were commies. I mean, they're socialists. They're democratic socialist, which is like, I just, I mean, they're not communist, but, you know. How much money do they make in?

Oh, shit. This is almost at $100,000 a month now. these commie bastards I want to flip this table they make almost make almost like 1.3 million a year I think

God off a commie nonsense why can't we talk more commie stuff are they redistributing it to the poor yeah they give a lot of the money

to charity and shit and it's like charity yeah um I think they had to give a lot of money to rain after Josh

Androsky posted that that Bill Cosby joke who's rainy rain is the I don't understand how it works it's a charity

that it's a It's a rape charity, which is like, is the plan to just pay people to not rape? I don't understand how rape charity works. I don't know, but they got a good hospital out. No, it's for more rape. Yeah, disaster relief. It's a reeping charity.

It's in addition to. They just, they provide those blankets they put over you at the end of a disaster. At the end of a die-hard when you get the aluminum blanket. Well, let me tell you something. Because I... The bad guy bust out of it. I feel like that would be tricky. Because you're going to get raped in a bed.

That's filled with blankets. The last thing I would want to see after a long rape session is another blanket. Keep the pillows away from me. I want a nice linoleum floor to curl up on and leak out of my ass all over the kitchen floor. Sometimes the floor is the problem. Yeah. You need protein and fruit. Yeah.

What's the least likely place to get raped? Probably on an escalator. That's true. That seems like the safety. Find me one case of someone that got raped on an escalator. You can't do it. Google it. A moving escalator.

Otherwise, it's just rape stairs. That was a beautiful song by Elton John. Rape stairs. Highway to rape. Was that the money you were for Princess Diana? Is all this because I'm back? We usually just sit here in silence about you. That's right.

I, number one, have vowed to not comment. First of all, I support the mob actions across America. No better than the state. against that would never risk any of my employment by ever standing up to a mob doing anything and I want to especially commend the mob for going after Charlie Rose. You should have

Amy on to condemn Charlie Rose what's going on with Charlie Rose now what's the story Charlie Rose hold on let me let me get this article up more like Charlie no clothes am I right folks I'm not on Twitter anymore so I need an outlet why you got on Twitter? I got banned like a year ago

what? Yeah you did you did the ultimate achievement of Twitter. That's like what you're in it for. I finished. Oh, you finished it. You completed it. I got to the end. It's like finishing Donkey Kong. Right. He jumped all the barrels. Ironically, also a racist chimp related thing. Oh, what happened. Donkey Kong. Actually, it wasn't that. What got me banned was making fun of, like, the Berkeley protesters. What did you say? I forget what I said in particular, but it was going after the people that were saying that, like, leftists were fascists for protesting the, the Berkeley. It was all right guys that got me banned the first time around. Now, if I log in, there's like a whole backlog of tweets they want me to delete because people went through my shit and reported like 500 tweets. 500? I mean, a shit ton of tweet. I don't know if it's that. It's a lot of tweets. Why can't they delete it? Because they want you to learn a lesson. So they make you delete the tweets. Oh. Like you're in timeout. You have to say what you did is bad. I mean, it's like

Mark Simpson at the beginning of Simpson. It's because it's a whole world filled with baby. be adults. What a collection of pussies. Well, I don't miss. Somebody goes, somebody goes, hey, I mean, what if somebody put something about you on Reddit? Again, I'm like, I'll never know about it. Never. Zero. Yeah. Zero. Well, B news to me.

That's the joy of social whatever. I couldn't know. You know, I was always in it to never read anybody else's comments. Yeah. And only just make myself talk. Yeah. But now I just don't, I mean, I

can't, like I said, do, I can't believe I ever for free. It would be like, come be, look at my process or some shit. Yeah. Go fuck yourself.

Giving it away. Buy a fucking ticket, you fuck. Thank you. Unbelievable. So anyway, now everybody's got to care though about your fucking tweet.

Like, when I hear another thing, oh, what did he tweet now about the president? Like, if you give a shit about tweets, I,

you deserve whatever he tweeted that was horrible. You deserve. Like, if you give a shit what someone tweeted. And I don't care what they tweeted. If you give a shit, you're,

You're as loathsome as someone who gives a shit if some fucking... There is a... A mulatto football player salutes the flag or not. There was a lady... I don't think you can say flag anymore, correct? Yeah. There was a lady going after me like two weeks ago. Did he salute the flag like he should?

That light skin boy. That's colored. She was having PTSD from my tweets. Who was? This woman who was having like nom flashbacks. Really? What did you say? I haven't tweeted in a year.

So she's going and searching through... She's using her... Yeah, to find tweets of mine where I said the word rape and then screencapping and be like, can you believe he did this in 2012? Oh, my God. Every orgasm she had, she took another. That's three PTSD's you just gave me. Rape is rape, but also tweet is rape.

Well, I'm really. I do get it. I understand. From when, who's a girl that David Cross went ching chong to do at a party? Exactly. Charlene Yee. When was this? It was a hashtag.

What if he was just. trying to say your name. It was a hashtag me too. You don't know the story? Yeah. It was a hashtag me too. Right. And she goes, so it's all these like rapes and shit.

And then she comes in with at a party, David Cross went up and said, ching chong. He asked me if my feet were bound. And then he said, he said, please don't do karate at me or something. Which, by the way, hilarious. Yeah. Very funny. I know. David Cross is back.

What a crazy way to go through life. Always being primed to be triggered by someone saying ching ching chong, that's your threshold? All I have to do is a ching chink and you're really upset. I feel bad for everybody that is now finding out that it's not cool to be racist to Asians anymore because that was the one that you could go after. Was it? Oh, yeah. When?

Always. That's why David Cross did that. They were like fat people. Yeah, you could just make fun of Asians. If I was there, and by the way, I haven't heard his account and whatever it is, I believe it. I believe men. Hashtag. Yeah.

I believe men. No, it's about time. people I believe because of their genitals. Who's this Asian woman? I just think the Asians are a tricky race and you can't trust them. Would you say they're inscrutable? Yeah. You can't recruit them.

Because you don't know who's. There's a lot of different Asians though. Yeah. You got your Filipinos. You got your Koreans. A fair point. And also Indian people are Asian if you're in Europe. Basically, they just want to lure you into their railroad side prostitution,

Dan, and then steal all your lithium. And so you can't trust them. That's still up to that. But then they want to give you a nice massage. Make sure your nails aren't sharp. They do handle a lot of body stuff. God bless them. All that shit.

The face and a body boy. That's the thing is funny. Like actual Chinese people, well, you usually deliver those people from Hong Kong. Yeah. I fucking love Chinese people. I know.

You live with 18 of them. They're the best people in the world. That's my favorite thing about Chinese people when I was in China is like they don't give a shit. Oh, what's that? They don't give you shit about that. That's just,

it's like, you know, ABCs they call American-born Chinese. So that's just ABCs. see shit. Yeah. Well, regular Chinese people, they don't even, like, all of this is like conversations about social impropriety or whatever. Regular Chinese people still spit outside and shove people.

Like, they're still on that level. I didn't see them doing that, by the way. No, they do it in Chinatown. And it's not because, and it's not, there's no malice there. It's just logical. It's like, if you're in my way, I'm going to shove you out of the way to get to, you know, my medicine shop that's filled with, you know, sea weed or whatever they think is

going to cure. There's nobody more aggressive on a subway than an old Asian woman trying get the last seat. Yeah. And they're not in a bad mood. It's just I want that seat. Hold on. Are you saying old Chinese women are not afflicted by the scourge of man spreading?

They will push you right out of your out of the way. I shouldn't have to ask someone to move their leg. They will knock you out the way with their little pink plastic bags. It's too creepy for me to say, can you move your leg? And you just figured they don't know speak English anyway. Meanwhile, they do. They just want to be rude. Anyway, Charlie Rose is why I want it because.

as you recall he had his fucking that Jamie interview right about the problem of me now did you I didn't watch an interview you watched it right oh what did Charlie Rose I mean Charlie Rose is directing it I want to answer whatever question

he said as a man that's never raped anyone can I ask you Amy what is your opinion on this Kurt Metzger by the way a rapist situation just to clarify everybody at home watching I personally have never raped

and I never will Now, do I come out of the shower with my robe undone? In front of my young intern, sure. That's just part of my North Carolina charm. I just show people my penis. Is my penis always inside my pants? No. Oh, man, Charlie Rose came out the shower and his intern was there?

What did he do? He had his penis outside of his regular pants. Did he? I know I got a F-Train who does that. Down in North Carolina, it would get so hot in the summer you want to breeze on your You lose most of your heat Your penis Hold on, little

My balls would get so humid in the summer Humored Hold on now Can I just apologize I'm not exposing myself I'm cooling off Let me please It's very important

Stop and let me make an apology Now I want to say that in 45 years of broadcast I sometimes Used my outside penis Inside Well when I got my start of television I remember to use my inside penis. Most of the entertainers were in blackface,

so you would pull your penis out of your pants to show your true race. Because your hands and face were painted black. That was okay back then. It was a different time. Why are you the cool hand Luke Sheriff and Charlie Williams? What we have here are my penis communication. Well, once it becomes a sex criminal, you got to ham up the southern affectation. That's hilarious.

You got to ham it up, yeah. Listen. He's an old Carolina. When did all this happen with Charlie Roy? How many years ago? Well, I heard he, Barry told me about him after I was upset back like a year ago with that shit. But he was like, oh, well, so you know about Charlie Rose and told me that that's what his deal was and it was well-known. So I was like, you motherfucker.

Of course it was well-known. Yeah, this is Brian, Brian, Sean. He's one our number one fans. Hey, Brian. I know. He was at the show last night. I don't know if you remember black people or not, niggas. What's up, Brian?

Well, I remember you and now Brian. This is a fan appreciation day. I brought a fan in here. Oh, speaking of fan appreciation. Tell him that you appreciate him. He could, he knows how it's good. Appreciate all the fans. All fans matter.

You got a hashtag going? Hashtag all fans matter. Brian's getting his hashtag B2 ready for after this podcast. He's a little bashal. He's shy. Did you have fun of the show last night, Brian? Hell yeah. Yeah, it was a good show, huh?

Yeah, it was a good show. It was a good show. Yeah, that homecoming show is sold out down into comedy. sell of Village Underground. Yeah. Yeah, how was I forgot I was going to say. You're trying so hard to give a shit.

I'm trying to remember what I was going to say and I keep forgetting. Just breathe and take your time. You home. You're amongst friends now. There's something about Charlie Rose. It was going to be really fun. You're not going to get a Hollywood smack from us? We're not going to smack you around like you did in the West Coast.

A good old Hollywood smack. Oh, they gave him a nice open hand. Kurt, do your work. Oh, my God. I have to do my work every day. I hate it. Yeah, they're working them. I hate having to be professional, and I am not.

You come in with crumbled notes? Oh, my God. If there was some way to crumble up a laptop, I'd have crumpled it up by now. You know that it's being professional as Charlie Rose, folks. If I could do it Charlie Rose style, it'd be a whole different thing. Come in the office.

Hello, ladies. How many years ago did this happen? How many, was this recently? It was this week. No, of course not. He was like, if Weinstein can get away with it, so can I. Can you imagine with that old, old, old, I'm a beloved Civil War penis.

He's 113 years. I fought for the north, but my feet penis fought for the south. It was brother against his own penis. It's not exposure if you have a wooden penis that you lost during Antietam. Father against nephew, dick against balls. The bloodiest day in American history. Okay, so remember I told you about a fan that called me up and I thought I was missing a spot

and I missed a set somewhere and a guy goes, hey, Kirk, can you help me move a mattress down from 186 to 160? Some fan that lived by me? Yeah, some guy. How did he get your number? You remember we were in that bodega and some guy recognized me and I was all like,

I remember it so vividly. He was like, oh my God, it's Kermedger, my favorite Metzger. Yeah, that's right. And he said it like that. And then I bumped in him again. He asked him I knew where to get wheat. So this is where I fucked up. This was in your neighborhood. In my neighborhood.

This is where I fucked up. I go, all right, I'll text you maybe if I know where to get weed. Right. So he had my number. Right. That's my fault, that part. Okay. So that I forgot about it.

I'm like, ah, the guy moved. I didn't even look for weed. You consented. I'm like, why am I. I consented. I know, no court would convince. This was not a salt. It's not a salt.

It's not a salt. But here's where I hashtag me too this. So I'm sitting at home, okay? And then my phone rang. I think I missed a spot somewhere. I forgot I had a spot at a club because it's like a New York number. He goes, hey man, this is, we'll call him Brian

or whatever, I don't know. He goes, Brian, listen, can you let me move a mattress down from 180 to 150? I go, I gotta go. Dude, it was like a horror movie here. And then in like curb your enthusiasm fashion, you help the guy move the mattress. Somebody sees a picture of you,

somebody snaps a picture, and then it's Kurt Metzger mocking that girl at Columbia, the guy raped. if only. Kurt Masker Stage's parody of mattress

to celebrate Harvey Weinstein's exoneration mattress mattress apologize she's writing a paper guys you couldn't be more wrong

it was actually Brian bring out the mattress I think unfounded charges should have very definite sentences from all of us until we forget

or get mad at someone else which has already happened with Weinstein by the way you know as the district attorney's office said they were going to indict him last week

and that just didn't happen and it's probably not gunned. What? They just dropped it. They're going to indict him. The hired, fucking Israeli spies to intimidate people and he fucking straight. Rape. I like that Rose McGowan called for Louis to be prosecuted. Yeah.

For his consensual masturbation. What? Sean King? Yeah. Oh, the guy from the reporter dude. Yeah. Sean King, the fucking. He was like all those donations and didn't.

Yeah. Like not so black guy? Right. That's right. I like him. Yeah. He's my kind of, he's my cup of tea. I like it creaming.

Like a nice and creaming. So today I get a call. Say, I think it's a call from a show, like, because I have some spot I forgot about. Right. Call, hey man, your neighbor from Washington Heights. Remember me? I'm like. Oh, today?

He called again? Today. Today. And I go, so I'm thinking it's like, this man, I don't know why I should move a mattress. I don't even know what it was going to be. But I already didn't want to deal with whatever it was. Right? So I'm like, yeah.

I'm like, how am I just back in town to catch this? That's what I'm just thinking. But this is like people not saying move to Manspriter. Just go, hey, don't call me. It's just so weird when you do it every time. He goes, so, man, what's going on? I'm like, hey, man, listen, I'm really busy. He goes, okay, yeah, I'm just going to see you.

Help me. I got some stuff at the dollar store. I'm trying to lug down. Did he really? He called me to move shit today. Who's buying that much shit at the dollar store? Then he recognized you as a company. I got everything that was as seen on TV.

What is the fuck is this? I mean, I've never heard of such a thing. A roadside emergency repair kit. Turns out you can have too many. I think he recognized Kurt at the store, but he recognized you as somebody else. He thought I was that great mover. Stalkland stuffers for Mexican

Do you that Russian mover? Don't you work as schleppers? In adult Mexicans. You're a fucking A horror movie. A squirt gun for Christmas. Do you have a squirrigon collection? A lot of gold or dollar general and get a squar gun collection?

I think he knew you were back. He's stalking you this dude. Because I put all over the Twitter's that Kurt's back. Yeah, that's true. Oh, well, that's why. And he called you right away knowing every movement. He's going to fucking... What idiot did here? He's going to be a

shoot Kurt in the fucking chest. He's going to get down in the army stance and shoot you right in your chest outside your building and kill you like John Lund. As long as I don't have to help him move. As long as I don't need to help him move nothing. What's going on? I don't fucking know.

All right, let's take a quick break. No, it's not break time. What are you nuts? Yeah, we've been on for seven minutes. Yeah, what's wrong with you? No, let's take a quick break and go back to it. I got to piss. You got a pee? Yeah, you can just go pee. I don't feel that the show should continue without me. No, go pee.

It's been continuing without you. That's what the show is now. I'm you. That's what the show is now. We still got plenty of Charlie Rose stuff to talk about. Now, I come out with my penis. I like to come out with

my penis outside my rope. I talked to Ms. Amy Schumer. That's hilarious. Now Amy, did you always drink so much for this movie train wreck? And how did Kurt Metzger? When did he first say he loved rape? Charlie Rose.

So did he quit the morning show? What's going on? He's fired. They fired him? He stopped airing his show. Wait a minute. They fired him from CBS Morning Show. Yep.

CBS and CBS or whatever he was about to do. And PBS, PBS. He's fired. The Charlie. road shows no more. It's done. They deleted every episode. That's white. Oh, I like the thing where the new WWE Hulk Hogan thing where you remove all traces from memory. Yeah, yeah. We will erase the Nazis would do to people that, you know, they would

erase like the entire, like there was some town that executed one of their guys and it's important that's like ancient Egypt with the Jews. And there were never Jews. Yeah, yeah. That's harsh. The HBO got rid of Louis's entire catalog. Wow. Wow, wow. Wow. Really?

But these things will come back. These are businesses burning bridges that they think will cost them money, and that's it. If they think they'll make money on it later, it'll be back. Of course. It'll be a new head of somewhere. No, we're finally going to have the comedy we want, which is a trans person that's been doing it for six months, getting a new hour every three weeks. Can I tell you something how excited I am about? Can I tell you how excited I am about the new Cameron Esposito?

Oh, wait. Oh, did it come back from the letter writing campus? campaign. What? Her show? Yeah, it was canceled, but I'm excited to say, Who's show? The great Cameron Esposito. She's got a show, another show? She's a lesbian. No, it's off the air, but it was important. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, C-So is done, right? It was on C-Syso, now the whole thing's gone. But there's a chance that someone else could pick it up. C-So is a real, what's it called? A real stock bubble?

That's the thing I understand is these people continue to get money and chances and work, and then they're like, wow, when is it going to be our turn? It's like, it's been your turn. It's been your turn. for 10 years. No one's watching. Speaking over guitar. Yeah, but when are we going to when are we going to have it so that all the comics we ever loved are removed from history?

Yeah. So we can make enough room for the Cameron Esposito. Also executed and removed from real life. Yeah. I don't like the way they made me feel like I wasn't as funny as them. And that's a lot of it. I would love to be in a gulag.

I would really love to be just a political prisoner, please. That would be fine. You've been preparing for years. I wouldn't have to worry about anything. I used to live on a flat. I was just sitting in a fucking bunk bed, read band books all day, you know. Weren't how to make knives out of, you know, common objects. Forage for peanuts.

This is, I would thrive in that environment. Maybe you could make a rudimentary spear. Yeah. Hunt domesticated chickens. Right. I would, I would embrace that. lifestyle. Rewiled them. Yeah.

It was fine. Like Charlie Manson just died and it was, he was 83 years old. Yeah. Like that's a long, you know, nice life. He spent almost the entire time in prison. Maybe that's the answer. Is carving a swastika into your forehead? You know?

That's what, that's what. Go on. Charles Manson was the first, like, kill somebody because I didn't get a record deal. Like, I'm going to be famous when we're another guy. Yeah. I actually don't. I was never one of those like serial killers are cool kind of people so I don't even know

I find that very surprising because you look like seven of them You look like seven different shows I've seen. I look like every kind of bad person Of seven of their victims Mushed into one new person That also kills and rapes Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me

I fucked me You could be a killer or a victim in any decade Yeah Oh my god. Any century he could like, I can see him getting killed or killing in the 70s. Nothing good happens with his penis. Oh man. I love to see all the fucking, basically anybody that joins like a Twitter mob.

Yeah. You're guilty of rape. Yeah. If you're like after anyone that came at me, you're guilty. They're all going after Lena Dunham now for doing like the only reasonable thing she's ever done. Yeah. Which is say like, yeah, I've known this guy 10 years. I don't think that he did this.

I have inside information. Who does she said it about? The girl's writer that was accused of rape. Yeah. She, but she's, I mean, what she said was pretty fucking harsh

because the woman that accused her was like some 17 year old girl or accused him. And how old was he when it was happened? I don't know. Okay. I don't give a shit. I really don't care.

I don't know who that guy is. Right. That story is like a rape happened. Right. Yeah, but Lena Dunham was like, some women do lie. Like,

it was real. Mass meeting season. Some do. That happened. By the way. mating season? Well, she goes, she says, she says, she says,

she says, she says, she says, she says, unfortunately, right behind each other, like, well, because his dip, she's,

she's, dipstick tweeted that women never lie. Well, she said, women lie about what they had for lunch, but never rape. Yeah. Really?

She was, statistically, 3% of women do lie about, wow, that was, that's a lot more than the, first of all, I thought, I thought the,

the number was 2%, so she opted to 3%, because everyone always says 2%, so she opted to 3%, the whole milk of, of false rape accusation. That's a lot of false.

She goes... She hased in half that shit. Yeah, yeah. That's full cream. That's buttermilk fake rape. That is whipping game. So she goes... Unfortunately, this situation is one of the three percent of falsely

reported rape. So she straight up calls the woman a liar. She's not even being a character witness for her friend and saying, like, I find it hard to believe that my friend did this. I know I've said believe every woman and we can believe this woman, but I just want to say, like, I have to be in my friend's corner on this. She doesn't understand tact.

She doesn't know how to fucking do. But her sentiment, which is like, this is somebody I know. They've been accused of a very serious crime at a time when like that will destroy. Like right now. So he had charges pressed against him. No. She just said that he raped her. What happened going to the police?

Why people don't do that? Well, the police like nobody trusts the police anymore. It's not like comfortable in fun. Which they shouldn't. I know it ain't comfortable. But if something's really happening, why a Facebook Here's why people don't go to the police

Because Harvey Weinstein is Not going to be prosecuted And all of this All of this fucking fallout Nothing's gonna happen to Harvey Weinstein He's straight up raped multiple people That's why I don't go to the police Everybody's not rich like Harvey Weinstein

But also there's a You can just file something Can you just give them a heads up So they have it on record And then if something comes out It'd be like Oh there's a record of this Although it wasn't actionable or whatever

You can do that And that's not nothing Let put it this way If I got mugged, I'm not calling the police. It's just, it's not, nothing's going to happen. But then anybody steal your pussy, though. Yeah, but that's seriously different. If somebody, like, sexually attached you.

That's sweet. My collection of dismembered pussies, I keep in my... Do they could steal any of your sweet lip pussy? That's what I call your mustache and lips. Look, a lot of people have mustache. I know it makes me a suspect. There's a lot of different kinds of moustaches. There's cool ones like mine, you know, and then there's all the bad ones.

Also like yours. No. Indistinguishable. It's a good one. Sometimes I don't trim it right, you know, and it might get a little petter-assy, but I think for the... Sometimes it's just a mailman. Sometimes it's norm. Yeah.

I get close to firefighters sometimes, you know? It takes a lot of work. You teach kids about woodworking. That's why the towers fell down. It's because they were perfecting their mustaches all morning, and they couldn't get there in time. A lot of work goes into those. People think it's easy. It's not fucking easy.

It's not. Oh, my God. Woodworking is a good... I think it's great that things are handled with just hearsay on social media. It's crazy. It's crazy. How wrong I was to ever doubt that system. I don't see how any of it could go wrong.

Oh, that's funny. Hit close to home. That's funny. But if you've even done it, go full support behind it. It could never hit you close to home ever. Yeah. It could never be a friend. There's somebody like that.

It's our show's over, right? They're not doing girls anymore? It is important, though, like, if you were one of the people that's saying, like, hey, we should embrace due process, now that all of this shit is being thrown back in their faces and destroying all of them, it's, like, important to stick to your principles and still defend people like Lena Dunham in this instance, because you don't want to fall into the, like, oh, good, now I'm going to embrace this mob justice bullshit. Yeah, mom justice is stupid. Isn't your hypocrite?

Yeah. No, it's fine. It's, listen, if the 30s taught us anything. If the 1860s through, well, I guess up to like the 70s taught us anything, we always get the right people. Oh, Kurt, welcome home, Kurt. That's what I want to say. No, I'm glad I can't make the right time.

I'm sure people are wondering what I was going to say, and I just want to say, fully support this. Right. They were wondering. They were vocally wondering outside. I believe literally any woman, doesn't matter how fucking much of a dingbat she is. Uh-huh. Yeah.

or how fucking psychotic she is. It's still a vagina, still believable. And that is literally the only choice we have in this world. It's the only truth. That's the only truth. I'm just telling my truth. Can we all just stand in our truth? Jesus Christ.

Is that like Oprah talk? Yeah, it sounds a little opery. Yeah. I wonder what Gail thinks about this. Gail King's a friend of mine. Why are there so many different ways? Friend of the show. Stand in my truth.

Why do you find a way to work that into every episode? Let's go to my Gail Corner, my Gail King Corner. Let's talk about friend of the show Donald Trump and friend of the show his way, friend of the show, Melania Trump. They're all friends. They are. Dear, older friends of the show. This beef between him and LeVar Ball. Oh, yeah, what's going on with that?

Didn't they have Twitter, a Twitter fight? He's not beefing for one second. Laval Ball was the father. This might actually be entertaining. He's the father of the UCLA player, right? Yeah, who got one of them got arrested. He got arrested in China. And Trump got them all released because it was going to do 10 years in China last.

That's such an embarrassing dad. Lavar Ball, Ball, B-A-L-I-L-I. And who the fuck is this? Come on. Where have you been? He's a kind of loud dad. I understand how they imprison people in China. China's already a prison.

No. Dumb-Dum's been there. He said it was one of the best times of his life. Yo, Star Trek actor, Levar Burton, has been getting angry tweets meant for Levar Ball. You, Dirty, you know. Reading Rainbow? Yeah.

Kunti's got to go through this bullshit. Haven't Kunti been to enough. He got whoop? They called him Toby. Now he got fucking Twitter beef. Toby's a cat's name. That's not his beef. Oh, that's so brutal.

Wow. So they got caught with what? They stole something. They stole sunglasses. They stole sunglasses in China. Yes. Why do Chinese people need sunglasses? Come on.

Are they shaped different than I was sunglasses? Well, I'm saying they're... Oh, they shape differently. It's not like they have to worry about the sun. It's hurting their eyes. Because of the smog? You're already squinting. You don't need sunglasses.

See, I try to pull it away from them. You need just one square inch of them right in the middle of your eyes. Everything else is just a giant frame. Yeah, just a piece of, like, cassette tape. Like one of those old-timey cameras. It's just a hole in a box. You know, you bust open an old cassette. They should.

They're sitting around. You don't need them anymore. It's the thing you used to look at eclipses. It looked like black shoe laces. Oh, so he's done? They're all Star Trek-y. Just a piece of licorish. You guys are the worst.

That's okay. So, okay, so his kid's dumb and the dude's dumb. That's all I'm getting from this. Yeah, but he's a good player, though. You're a good player. Yeah, of course. He understands ball. He's going to go number one.

He understands ball and good, but not, don't touch those sunglasses. Do you know what a fucking bad shit idiot? You have to be a steal in China? You got to be dumb. The cops don't fuck with you at all unless you fuck with a Chinese person. In that case, you are fucked. Like, people are straight up just Coke dealers and shit. like every nightclub you go to, the expats

can kind of do whatever the fuck they want. Really? As long as you're not, listen, you can be smoking a joint from a cop. They don't know what the fuck it is. They don't care. You can't cross a Chinese person or steal from them or mugged them or any shit like that.

Because they always believe. Because they believe every Chinese person. They hashtag believe every Chinese person. Chinese people have the unity that women will never have. Yeah, they got it. Hashtag, me too. I don't know where women are united. Me too.

And that's all of their names. That's kind of their John Jacob Jingleheimer. My name is also me too. His name is my name too. Whenever he comes out, the people yell and shout, there go John Jacob, Jacob, Baby. John Jacob Jeegohamehushme, Schmidt. He named my name, too.

We have the same name. Don't you remember when we had Storm Shue sending in his Chinese racism? Oh, yes. It was great. I got to get more from him. He probably knows about this Levar ball. Yeah, he probably dropped down on. He'll get storm to write this in.

He's like, those kids stealing. Chinese are like laughing what pussies and people are. I don't know what it is about these kids that think they can go to other countries. Definitely those countries. Like the dude who got killed in North Korea. They don't beat his brain and give him poison soup. Botas. They sent his ass back.

He got botulism. He was better than a pair of orders. They fed it to on purpose? My theory is they were giving him Botox to make them look more Korean. and they fucking owe they did too much. They said this is going to be our we're going to create a sleeper agent

we're going to take this frat boy and puff up his eyes until he looks like a bloated Korean corpse sent him back to the United States have him killed Trump. And the nice thing was he also suffered from migraines so it's like two birds with one stone.

Yeah. Remember he was like my fan Oh my head hurts so bad. They're like Otto came back weird. He came back to sleep. I mean he really liked Korea But he stole like a poster or something He got arrested

Maybe he was on TV crying Like my little brother needs me Yeah And he got sick Over there Who knows He's some dumb frat boy asshole Which bet you don't

You do that in North Korea Yeah Bad move First of all Don't go to North Korea Don't just don't go there Why are you there if you're that kind of a jerk off too Like what

Why is anybody there It's not like They have those vacations They're not like A exchange program of douchebags That they're like No they have this Cuba where it's like, yeah, we'll smoke some cigars

or whatever, and we're kind of just have the embargo. I mean, North Korea is like an enemy of the United States. They fucking hate the United States. But they have these travel agents that do you go to China. You can do the most dangerous travels and you can go anywhere you want and they'll get you there. But they ain't going to get you back. Apparently. Yeah, apparently

he tried to kill himself and they were just holding him for a year because he was in the coma the entire year. That's what they said. They were like, oh, the shit. You know, this is going to start a war. Yeah. So. But he came back. stiff, baby.

Barely breathing and died like a couple weeks after you got in here. A few days later. A few days later. My goodness. They killed them, Kurt. Don't that mean anything to you? You know, North Korea, I've been losing a lot of sleepover lately. And part of it was when I heard about Eminem's blistering anti-Trump rap, I thought that

was a weapon from North Korea. Yeah. I do not realize it was from Eminem. I might, oh my God. They have the blistering. Anti-Trump rap. That was a good rap. Come on now.

that song was a hot song. Wow, you know my favorite part, I can't say it enough. My favorite part of that was Keith Oberman's like being like I always thought rap was bad but now it's great. Yeah, Oberman tweeted that. You sound like a white elite is just saying, oh, when the niggas did it, it was

nothing. I didn't care. But now it means something close to his white mouse. Literally exactly his point. It's not like saying that. That's what he's saying. I said it last night and it bears repeating I like that his eight black friends were standing quietly and respectfully when Mr. Eminem was doing his rap singing.

I don't know what unit it was. They didn't speak up. It's D12, but I don't think that was that one. They were seen and not heard. Mr. M is rap singing, sir. Please keep it down while Mr. M&M. Now normally I don't care for rap singing, but with such quiet, respectful boys there,

I thought it was okay this time. There's a good example. and is good. Take down Trump. Blistering. You think Eminem's a voter? He is now. Wait.

Do his songs? I think he thinks he just voted. There, now I vote for other guy. That's like such a step down for him to do something. I mean, because that's like Macklemore level. Him and Trump used to be boys, though. He had that whole album released. Trump introduced him at Trump Plaza in New York City.

I don't get it, Trump. Introduced him. He was campaigning for him and brought out Eminem. When it was shady was all fucking Slim Shady back then. It's kind of a sad story because Slim Shady is for Trump. But Eminem's against him. So it's really a divisive. It's been real divisive.

All the guys that were the Slim Shady clones and Real Slim Shady definitely voted for Donald Trump. All of Eminem's fans voted for him. Yeah. Well, Eminem still has a lot of black fans. He does. Yeah, I meant the ones that mattered. Whoa.

The people that put them on the map. Wow. When I say all lives matter. I believe it. I don't pick certain lives that matter. Yeah. I stand by the phrase all lives. So no, sir, I will not.

All of them, I would only exclude the Down syndrome babies. Okay. Those are the ones. Oh, that's true. They're like their lives don't matter? You know, they've cured essentially in, uh, Finland. What? Down syndrome.

Like before birth? They just never have Down syndrome people. They're just aborting all of them. And now these like Down syndrome activists are like, Well, hold on. Oh my God. Yeah, they're just killing all of them. What?

Yeah. Really? Wait, so, because you can tell before birth? They can tell before birth now. Can you? Yeah. So they find out. And now it creates this sort of tricky question for people that are both pro-choice and also.

So all of Finland's like fucking we've gone to kill all of them. Yeah. They've like mostly gotten rid of it. No, it's easy. Yeah. It's a no. So what's a no? If you know that early.

If I knew, I mean, it's a yes to abortion. If I knew that someone was going to have like a severe. it was going to be a whole thing for that person, my life, and we'd never enjoy the same quality of life as me, I'd be like, fuck it. If I knew my wife was going to have a, like, a retarded son, and, like, I knew we were going to be moving a lot

or we're on, like, a fifth floor walk up or something. A retarded g. Bring the groceries up every day, then, yes, of course, I'm going to have a stronger son. I want him to be as strong as possible. Right. You want to work, would. Daddy, where to put this refrigerator.

Just keep carrying it. Three old kid got a frigated a hat. He carries your car off the lot. Congrats, Dad. I'm going to get one of those boxes that princesses used to ride around in in Egypt. I have all my Down syndrome sons carry me around town. Daddy, I broke my school today. The other men with normal sons will say, look, son.

The most important father in town and his beautiful, retarded boys. You can be teaching them to write and there's just broken pencils everywhere. It should be about a Finnish fan. You should move to Finland. Here's the idea. Nick moves to Finland He has chromosomes added on purpose With each of his beautiful sons

And he goes all in the town Big cuckoo clock Yeah and the all of it We wear those fucking Lapland hats And it's called dumb as a reindeer Yeah Or I just do the Schindler's list

Of Down syndrome babies In Finland And the whole town's like I have a candy factory Where I shelter all of the downsons And then when he When Nick Commands into a town

There's no candy of the factory Here's the lesson they learned when they eventually turn on everyone, these human chimpanzees. Right. Is that wrong? I mean, it's scientifically accurate, but is it polite? I don't know. Some circles, though. I hate to think that race wars is the kind of show where it's not, you know, you're going to be that unsafe to hear things like that. Yeah, I agree.

You know, people don't tune into race wars for not to not feel safe. There's one Down syndrome listener that's like, I've heard enough. And he unplugs the headphones from the speak and spell. If he listened to that, he's like, they mention me. Love this show. Can you help me move a rubber mattress next week? By move, I mean B. Can you be my mattress?

A rubber mattress. I'm a huge fan. Anyway, because I always bring it up when I talk about China, like there was no, I didn't say any downstream of it in China. Now I know what you're going to say. Oh, you know what I'm going to say. Wait, there was, you didn't see any of you. I already know what Nick's going to say. What?

They just wipe those out in China. No, he's going to say, I don't know. It's called Mongolism. I mean, it's named after it. Oh, well, the white man named it. I did. The white man did that evil shit. Yeah.

God didn't give up the names. I can tell you exactly who it is. His name was John Langdon Downs. And he, he, he did. The guy the Down syndrome is named after. He wrote a paper in the 1880s, I think, called ethnic classifications of idiots. Yeah.

And so every type of retarded person. I was in that rat group. Every type of retarding person. I think we have a title. Oh, it was you. That's definitely the title. I remember where you and black sheep came out. He just pointed out retarded people and he goes,

he goes, Chinese, black. That one's Puerto Rican. And then that was science back then. Yeah. Dude, I love science was just like a white guy just had to have mutton chops. Yeah. And like with like a frilly collar and just like say whatever shit came to life. Ben Franklin was just a drunk.

Yeah. He was just like a drunk guy. But that's what science. That's still the entire legal system in England. Yeah. All I have to do is have. They still wear that wig. And the judges and lawyers and shit.

The House of Lords. You can do whatever. You can say whatever the fuck you want. But that's what science was. You just a white man would get drunk and think about it. Mongolism. They used to call them chink-chink face. droopy

The theory was that your ancestor fucked a celestial or whatever And then the genes trickled down And manifested themselves as a A celestial Oh you mean like for Marvel? What's a celestial? An Asian person

Why would they be called Celestials? That's what they call them on Deadwood I was trying to use period accurate term Celestials? You know, have you seen Deadwood? Yeah Surgeon's always saying Oh, the Celestials

These cock sucking Celestials What does that mean? I don't know. They look to the stars for answers. Or foreign? Does it mean foreigners? Celestials means Asians on Deadwood. It means people who are mostly made of gas.

We should totally scrap African-American and use Celestrials. I mean, I'm using it. I'm using up for Asians for now on. Celestrials. I mean, like, I need to get some celestial food tonight. But after you eat celestial food, you hungry half hours. Yeah. The celestial...

It's mostly grass. Oh. Here we go. The little Google fingers got a racist. Googling. Yeah, because we like to learn here on this show. What's it say? So that we can be better racist. Oh, yeah, dear Jebbs, Mr. Jeeps, racist.

I asked racist Jeeps. I asked Jeeps. Jeeps. Why do they use to call people from China Celestials? It's because it's called the Celestial Empire. Oh. And so more, it's, so they

hold on. Why did foreigners call them Celestia? Oh, because they were citizens of the Celestial Empire. Okay. It was introduced innocently by newspaper writers. In those days, they felt good, they felt the good writing meant a feverish search for synonyms. Right.

They want to names the call. They're like, I need seven kinds of nigger. Yeah, yeah. I've got syphilis. I know what I knew that one. I need a lot. My brain is on the outside of my head. Oh, let's call them heby-jee-jee.

I've got scars all over my cerebrum from syphilis. I need to come up with new words for the other races. It's a brain. I thought you chink-chinked face was up there. Named the top seven. And it was a thing to kind of, because they interpreted. Racist's white man. The Chinese, it was like absurd.

Like, because they're like, you're not Celestial. So I call him Celestial like. It's like a little sarcastic. Yeah, it's a term of a not endearment. Like, do you get this laundry done. Is there a nigger word of the time for Asians? The white man is the devil. Yes, we are.

And then they try to bring the word back in Deadwood, get a young generation into it. called white people molestials molestials they had their own time molestials oh so this is interesting so calling a mere laundroman laundromen

celestial was an irony that even the least educated anti-Chinese white hoodlum could understand so it rapidly became an insult for some while others especially journalists continue to use it with less prejudicial intent as a synonym for Chinaman so the so like liberals I guess were saying it

I guess like an African-American. Right. But then if you were like, yeah, you're African-American. Yeah. It's like how waiters call black people Canadians. Right.

Oh. Well, that's only when black people aren't there. When we're not there, they call us niggers like everybody else. Oh, yeah. So, thank you. I've never been a waiter. I don't know. That's why I don't tip is because of their widespread racism.

I'm getting back at that. You're taking a knee for us? Thank you. I'll save the $6-7 a meal, you know, to stand up for my friends. That's my brother. I love my brother, man. Takes a village, goddamn.

It's funny, but I think Nick really doesn't tip. No, I know he does not. I tip. I actually tip pretty well. You do now, making fucking 30 grand a fucking month. I pay people.

Everybody gets paid. Son of a bitch. Son of a bitch. Maybe he from my hot chocolate the other day, and he wouldn't stop talking about it. Yeah, you got to brag about how much money you got. It's fucked up and unfair to not tell people how much money you make.

That's a bullshit thing companies came up with to exploit people. America we want to know. No, no. Other people you work with the same job, by all means, tell them how much money you make. But I don't want to jerk off some Patreon. Oh, no. Ever knowing what I pull in.

Like, why would I ever want to, I don't get Venmo. It's like, would you want the public to know? Like, why would I want? What's the point of that? Any transaction that I do. What are you doing? It's like, I hope everybody sees this. Are you familiar with this?

Young man. Let's ask this young fan. I'm on Patreon. John, I resent and jerk off. Venmo trying to share public shit is just weird. But that's what their kids like nowadays. They like a nice overshare. I don't know.

That's just weird to me. I never push public show on Venmo. I only just pay my rent on Venmo, so I don't really give a shit. Do you put it to public scene? If it was like, oh, look at him. Look, somebody made it. Tiny Dick Medicine, then maybe I would make that private, but I don't really care if people see that. I'm going to actually say tiny dick medicine on everything.

Listen, I know how. They'll watch your Venmo and see you when you're paying your rent, scheme on you, and then hit you over the head the day before you usually Venmo it. Oh, you mean somebody else trying to get me to pay my roommate, like they use a fake name? No, they'll just follow your money, see what days you pay your rent. The day before you usually pay your rent, they'll smash you over your head, make you Venmo it to them, or just take your money.

I don't want anybody knowing any, they will fix on it. That niggas is that hungry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They will be like this. Every July 7th, here we go. and they'll fucking rob you. They rob you. They rob you. It's like telling people you got money in your pocket

and when you pay your bills and when you walk into the store. Look at me with $20, everybody. That's what I love those. Deposit envelopes that they have just for deposits that they give to like employees to put money. And it's like those are only ever filled with a shit ton of cash. And they're supposed to be discreet.

You might as well just have a burlap with the dollar sign on it. Yeah, old school it. Keystone cop it. with a big sap Yeah What I work with A clocked with a goddamn brick And they stole like fucking

Just like nine grand or something Because they study and see what time Everybody comes to drop money off And honestly good Anybody who works in production deserves to have that Jesus Because they're always somebody's nephew

You know Yeah, you got the job Right you got the job Nephutism That's right I'm sick of nephews It's the most annoying type of autism

The rampant nefutism. Abort them, I say. Oh, yeah, we're talking about aborting. What? John Downs, what's his name? John Langdon Downs. John, whose birthday is today, by the way. Is it?

I don't know. Every day is your birthday when you're retarded. That's right, but he wasn't the retarded, though. He was the king of retards. You come on down to McDonald's. We got a birthday every day for you. Retarge welcome. The God and China, they don't.

He wasn't retarded. He was there. Frankenstein doctor, right? He was Dr. Frankinstein. McDonald's is retarded people's food boot. They love the toys. They love that ball pit. And they can work there. And they can work there. Oh, for us, buy us. Yeah, it's their food boot, but it's spelled B5A.

House. An emoji. He just spoke, God bless us. God bless his heart. Hey, they're trying. God bless his heart. Yeah. They spell it cat. It's fine.

They do a really good job. They polish those balls. All right, we can know, that's the end of this episode. My goodness. Shut up, turn. Has it flown by the first episode that quick? You are the worst kind of person. I felt like a special person in a ball pit this whole episode.

Is it time to go home already, mine? No, it's not home time. Well, kind of, but no. So you got some plugs, dumb, dumb. What are you in here? What are you doing? Let me get my plugs. Hold on.

What are your guys in? I'm Thursday and Friday. I think I'm at the standing room. Yes, sir. Either way, it'll be a good show. There's always good comics. So go to one of them. So I've plugged the shows, and hopefully I can get more spots from doing that.

Nice. Yeah. Brian, you want to plug something? Sure, my Twitter. There you go. Go for it. Plug it out. Brian Marable won.

He's our number one fan over here. Brian Marable, a number one fan. Yes. And it's a great day today that our number one fan could be here. Thank you, Kurt. Finally, you realize. I'm really stolik for time to find my dates. God damn it.

Karen, go. I am actually. Caramargollis, mostly on Insty, as you already know, and I guess Twitty, but we'll talk. And at Unhireable Show, and the show is Unhireable if you want to check it out. And I'll be at Stand Up New York tomorrow at 1030. Yeah. And it's a free show? Or just hang out.

Yes. So when is that? Okay. That's tomorrow. Thursday. And where's Go To Gig Tommy? Where's he been? Wednesday.

Wednesday. It's Wednesday at Standup, New York at 1030. Okay. I just want to thank our number one fan for being here one more, too. You are the worst kind of person, Kurt. No one has ever seen clubs coming. Go buy shirts from Tommy's booth. I believe it's good.

I believe. Oh, yeah. Urban cricket at the Union Square. Union Square. It's your holiday market. I think it's December 7th is the date at Smalls in Detroit. Okay. Oh, December 22nd, come town live at Black Hat in D.C. There you go.

That's a plug. That's a big show. There you go. NBC blackhead. Black cat. Black cat of me. My people of Detroit, Friday, December 8th.

I'll be playing the big-time Garbage Fest. Yeah, there you go. A whole festival they named after you? No, it's, I guess I'm headline. You're garbage people. Yeah, there's a nice poster made. And it's a joint Smalls.

Okay. Which is in Detroit. Yeah, it's my family place. It's Sharad's family's place. I said, throw Kurt some work, y'all. Yo, Reggie Smalls. Cousin'E Smalls. Throw me nica Kurt some work.

And he's like, not now, Shrod, I'm in the background of an M&M video. I'm trying to quietly support Master Matters. Did he just say Trump? And don't forget, Small World Comedy Presents, the Festivist for the rest of us, the filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy holiday show. That's going to be at the Comedy Seller December 9th, Tuesday, December 19th, Tuesday, December 19th, 1030 p.m. Get your tickets now, ComedySeller.com.

It's the Festivist for the rest of us, the Filth. filthy, filthy, filthy, stand-up comedy show. We got Big J, we got Michelle Wolf, you got Jordan. It's Kurt's back. Kurt's one to be on there. What's the date?

December 19th. December, Tuesday, December 19th, 1030 p.m. That's what I'm going to comedy cell. We've got a bunch of people coming through. Make sure you get to tickets, com.com. Small world. And that's the end of the show.

Yeah. All your mothers. Welcome back, bro. I miss you, Kurt.