The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 8 – The Eighth Episode

Episode Date: June 29, 2016

The 8th episode. We get really, really deep into this whole Brexit thing. Really insightful takes about Jeremy Corvair and Johnathan Primbles or whoever. And the guy with the hair. We had to use a conference room so theres an echo that makes this one alm

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For financial advice and solutions that power, it's never been done before. Come talk to the experts at ATB. Okay, we're live. We're on the air, guys. Yeah. Come town. Come town. Eight.

Is it eight? Eight or nine? Eight. It's eight. It's eight. It's eight. This is the... Oh, these are now paid episodes. Did you see we have donations now?

Hell yeah, bitch. How much did we get? Something like $70 a month. Hey. People have pledged. That's great. Which is not bad. Really good.

That's more than zero. Thank you. To whoever, whatever people in basements out there. Hey, you know, I was kind of depressed because I was like, yeah, this will be cool. We'll set up a thing. And then the name started coming in. It's like people that I'm friends with. I'm like, don't do that.

Give me your money. No, that's all right. We'll take I'll take that. Yeah. It's basically like they're paying for my social skills surgery. Like terminal autism. And they're donating to letting us pretend like we have a real radio show. We have a real radio show.

We're in the top of the Empire State Building at the Anthony Cumia Studios. Oh, yeah. Come on, man. The rattlesnake den. We're in the rattlesnake pit. Puerto Rican rattlesnake den. In the snake pit the what's den in Spanish uh abuela is it abuela al hombre uh every word in Spanish is abuela guys um you know what's

funny is like sometimes I'll try to be racist and I'll add o to the end of a word to like make it Spanish yeah it turns out to just be the word like you got restaurante that's it i don't think that's the name of restaurant yeah libraryo that's biblioteca yeah that's a famous one i feel like everyone goes to biblioteca yeah when i was in spanish class in uh in middle school uh me and my friends thought we were really clever so so we made up a gang. We're like Las Mariposas, the butterflies. We thought that was hilarious. And we kept making jokes like, oh, Las Mariposas, they're going to get you. And then my teacher couldn't take it midway through the semester, and she just slammed a book down.

She's like, that means the homosexuals. What are you doing? You had no idea it was slang for gay men? Yeah, we didn't know that. So your gang was... I mean, it was the butterflies. We didn't think it sounded too hard. That's pretty artful.

Do you know the rule with, like, Mary Cohn and Cabron? It's like the two of them. It's a Peruvian guy told me, like, ten years ago, but he's like, you know, like, if you're friends with Mexican guys, you can call them Cabron. Like, that's like a term of endearment or whatever among them he's like but

don't call other south america or like other spanish-speaking people cabron because like cabron apparently just means like top faggot yo i want to be a cabron right and then maricone is like the bottom one but But that's only like... Oh, you mean top, like top and bottom. He's like top and bottom. So it's like you're like a pimp if you say it to a Mexican.

No, I didn't check any of this. Peruvian guy told me. Peruvian guy whose name... At a bus station? No, I worked with him. I mean, we took the bus together, but I worked with him. So maybe he did tell me

at the bus station. It was on a bus. It was on a bus. It was a Peruvian. It was a fat peruvian kid i love it i swear to god his name was nick nolte he told me he wrote that down as his name on a thing and i was like no way that's hilarious you put that down that's a good reference dude that was a solid reference i love it and then he was like what and i was like that's not your name

and he was like yeah it is and he was also a pathological liar and he we were i think we were talking about that the other day it's like pathological liars about yeah they have all these bullshit stories and then one of their stories will be like real oh yeah you're like you fucking actually beat up a chimp you know like that actually happened for real he's got like pictures of him in the chimp. He's got blood all over his face. But yeah, no. So he pulls out his ID and there it says Nick Nolte. Spelled the same way.

Spelled exactly the same way. That's awesome. Yeah, and I was like, that's insane. He's like, yeah, it's a family name. I'm like, well, every name is a family. I don't know what the fuck. Right, right, right. Yeah, what does that mean?

When someone says it's a family name. Oh, well, it's a family name. It means they don't know how to read. It means they've never encountered another human being in the world. Unless their whole family is all just like Cher and Madonna. This is my Aunt Madonna. This is my Aunt Tanya. Did you know that Marcus Doo-Doo Brown was a family name?

Did you know that? I don't want to shit on Marcus. I don't want to doodoo on Marcus. There we go. Marcus is a good comic. I like Marcus. He's very funny. We're still drinking coffee, guys.

We got the Riff Juice. Riff Juice. Starbucks. Let me get a Grande Riff Juice. But yeah, so Maricon is the bottom one. Cabron is the top one. Yeah, that's such an awesome term, dear man. Yeah.

It's like you fuck a man in the ass. Power top? You're my boy, dude. You fuck, you're my bottom. Mexicans have cool slang, dude. They're cool. What else they got? You know what I don't understand?

What's the proper term? Is it, Mexicans fine. You can say that, right? It feels a little weird, but yeah. It felt weird. Yeah, because like growing up,

most of the people I knew that were like Hispanic Were like You had to call them Hispanic Cause they could be from Venezuela Right right right Or El Salvador Yeah yeah

Or Salvador or whatever Columbia But then I moved to Texas And people in Texas Are like Oh there's a bunch of Mexican guys that live there I was like

Keep your voice down I grew up in the southwest Yeah And they're all Mexican So you could call them that Really You didn't have any Like fucking Uruguayans Any Spanish person But what is Look at the fucking Mexican Over there I grew up in the southwest Yeah And they're all Mexican So you could call them that Really You didn't have any Everyone's Mexican

Uruguayans Any Spanish person But what is Look at the fucking Mexican Over there But even like Puerto Rican people Are like

I'm Mexican man I don't know what to do Oh I see I see Yeah yeah It's just What is Chicano Is that if you're like You're from Chicago

Is that like Chirac If you're in Chirac But you're Mexican Chicano I feel like It means you're wearing like a velvet shirt. It's a clothing thing? Like a vato? I feel like, no, silk.

Vato just means dude. Chicano is like, I identify as Chicano. Oh, really? Yeah. Chicano is on par with Hispanic or Mexican or Latino. Wow, this is how stupid I am. I think Chicano. I just think the guy, the Jesus character from fucking, help me out here, the bowling. I can't believe I'm going to. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lebowski. Lebowski. When you say Chicano. You know the bowling movie. Yeah, the famous bowling movie. Big Lebowski. Oh, yeah. You just don't know any words.

When you say Chicano. That's what I think For some reason And I bet I can't wait to google it later And find out how wrong I am I think I think Michael Chickless

You think Chicano? I think Chicano is like The Mexican term For Michael Chickless I think about that movie Bloody and Blood Out So if you look like Michael If you're Hispanic

But you look like Michael Chickless You're Chicano You're like bald You're like a bald Portly Latino guy So if you look like Michael, if you're Hispanic, but you look like Michael Chiklis, you're Chicano. If you're like bald, like you're like a bald, portly Latino guy, that's what Chicano is. How short do you think? He seems very short. Four foot eleven, dude. Imagine if he was four eleven.

And then when he goes on talk shows, he goes, or as I like to call it, five foot negative one. Like winks. That's good. Yeah, everyone applauds him. Chickless, great talk show guest. We'll have him on. We'll have him on. Yeah, we got Chickless coming up. Is Chickless short?

We're going to have to make fun of him. He's like the same height as us. No, no, I think he's short. He looks like a testicle. He does. Somebody described Bob Hoskins that way one time. That he looks like a testicle. Yeah, an angry testicle.

That's pretty good. You know what's funny? He died loathing the Super Mario Brothers movie. Poor guy. That movie was so bad. It was really bad. Everything about it was awful. That might have been the most underwhelming celebrity death of all time.

Bob Hoskins. What happened? He was in a lot of really good movies. He was an amazing actor. Yeah, he was. He was really talented, and he died, and nobody gave a shit. When did he die? He died like two years ago, and on the anniversary of his death last year, articles about his

death started coming up, and people were like, oh my god, Bob Hoskins died. Well, that's what happened, dude. I feel like literally in like a year, this past year, everyone claims they loved every celebrity. Like, it used to be there'd be like a status here or there, but everyone's writing an essay now. I don't fucking, like, were people that important to you? Doesn't it feel like it just became a thing? I mean, some of them were like, you know, Muhammad Ali's big.

Sure. Prince is big. Bowie, Prince. The fucking bad guy from Harry Potter. That one was stupid. Snape? Yeah. He wasn't the bad guy.

He was a diehard. I don't know. He ended up being the good guy. You fucking illiterate piece of shit. You'd be illiterate to see a movie. Yeah, he starred in a book. Dude, there's a new Harry. He starred in a book, dude.

He was also, they have pictures of him. There's a new Harry Potter coming out, so it looks like your boy's about to read a book, dude. Boys are back in the library. Is there a new one coming out? I think, yeah. She's making mad Harry Potter. Hell yeah, dude. That bitch ain't rich enough.

JK, get yours, girl. You never read any Harry Potter, bitch, dude? Me? Little Mullen? No. What were you doing, dude? You fighting for TARDIS? No, I think I read...

At 11, what were you doing? Hero? Were you fighting retarded children? No, I think I read... At 11, what were you doing? Heroin. Yeah. I read books. Well, I didn't really read that many books. I guess the books I read as a kid were like... I guess Goosebumps was like elementary school. Yeah, Goosebumps.

Hell yeah. What was it? Fear Street. I read maybe one of those. Those were like the more hardcore ones, right? Yeah. And then I would read the shit we were assigned in school. The only shit I really remember reading outside of school was like C.S. Lewis stuff, Ender's Game.

I read all those Ender's Game books. But he came out with like nine other books after like a resurgence in the popularity of those books. Yeah. Cash Grab? Middle school, yeah. Because I remember Ender's Game, that came out in the 80s. And I remember reading that when I was in like third grade and then like again when i was in fifth grade and then they released like a whole you know you know what it was it was an additional series based on one of

the characters from ender's game a little spin-off frazier the frazier yeah actually it was frazier niles niles there's aliens we have to fuck these aliens my favorite books growing up were that book Fudge do you remember hell yes

dude I fucked with Fudge and uh Judy Blume Mein Kampf yeah yeah it had to be Fudge or Mein Kampf well they're both like

coming of age stories yeah yeah Hitler gets his period that's a big chapter they're both they're both written in prison you know what I never understood Judy Blume Judy Blume doing time for a fucking manslaughter stories. Yeah, yeah. It's true. It's his period. That's a big chapter. They're both written in prison. You know what I never understood? Judy Blume was in prison.

Judy Blume doing time for a fucking manslaughter. Not to get into conspiracy theories here, but like how was it that Anne Frank was the only person with a diary? That was the only one. That shit just popped off the hardest. There couldn't be, there was not a better She got her period in it. Yeah. I've never read it.

Speaking of Judy Blume and getting your your period i was like really into those fudge books and then i got are you there god it's me margaret one summer like my parents made me do the fucking summer reading club or whatever of course and i read it and it's about getting your period for the first time so like i had a bunch of questions from my parents and my mom literally took me to the library and yelled at the librarian in front of me. It was so humiliating. It was so humiliating. Don't you ever tell my boy about girls. How dare you?

This is a young adult novel. This should not be in Easy Readers. My mom struggled to quit smoking for years, and she finally did did and then she was like all about anti-smoking and she chewed out the ice she's like screaming at the nigerian ice cream truck man for like bringing candy cigarettes to the neighbor she's like how fucking dare you sell these you piece of shit and like i'm like mortified of course yeah i didn't even want those i wanted the fucking ninja turtle with bumblegum eyes the best one yeah yeah i didn't want the candy

cigarettes it tasted like shit they were awful candy cigarettes but they were cool you could do smoke you could pretend to smoke they were so cool set my mom off i remember uh when i i was we lived in la and like after baseball games we'd, we'd get pieces of apple slices and granola and stuff. Then we moved to Vegas, and we'd get fucking cheeseburgers. People would bring McDonald's, and the kids would go fucking nuts for McDonald's. Hell yeah, dude. Mickey D's after a soccer game. That was my shit, dog.

I was good at it. No, it was funny. I remember that. You'd play baseball, and then my dad would take me to 7-Eleven, and I'd get, like, the largest Slurpee size. After, like, baseball practice. Baseball is, like, the lowest impact sport. I know.

You barely fucking run. You just stand there. Yeah. Horrible. Even fucking Gatorade is just sugar. Yeah. Well, you need it if... Gatorade's great.

It's got the electrolytes, dude. It's got the electrolytes. Gatorade you need if you get the flu or something. Yeah. I just had a pretty wicked stomach virus. You did, yeah? Yeah, it's going around, guys. Listen, fans, if you're out there, don't get the stomach flu.

This is the Comptown Health Minute. Yeah. Did you see that thing the Red Cross did? They released that. Red Cross got in trouble this week because they put a pool safety, just some fucking pool safety poster that they like tweeted out and it's a picture of a pool with like things you should do in the pool versus things you shouldn't do in the pool so it's like someone running and it's pointing at the kid running and it says not cool

and then it's like a guy holding his baby and it says cool uh but every one of the not cool ones is a black person oh my god is it a real picture or is it like brown cartoon yeah it would be great if it was just because then you

couldn't complain if it was just a photograph someone happened to take of a pool and all the black people happened to be doing breaking all the rules you can't help that

that's not the Red Cross it's wrong the cartoons were all brown it's the white guys who weren't breaking any of the rules. And you know what's funny

is like... Shackleford, man. Hell yes, baby. So all these people are mad at the Red Cross. There is absolutely no way in hell that was on purpose.

Right. No way. There's no way at all. It's tone deaf. Yeah. But what's so funny is that they were like... They probably did one draft

and they're like, ah, put more black people in there so people don't get mad at us for not being diverse enough. And then that backfired. Imagine if it was some guy who was like, this is how I get them. This is how we set them back. Finally. This is his last day.

Their favorite place, the pool. That guy tweeted that picture. The United Airlines account tweeted that picture of the woman with the toy plane in her pussy. With the plane in her pussy. Do you remember that shit? That was awesome. That was incredible. That's the best way to quit your job. I love the auto fucking...

When someone has their shit set up for auto retweets and it's just like, The Beatles fucking suck dick. And then the Beatles the thing will just retweet it it's the best shit on earth I love seeing that shit

corporate twitter accounts are still figuring it out remember that what was the makeup account there's some makeup company when the Aurora shooting happened in Colorado and they were like

Aurora's trending that must be our new Aurora makeup oh my god yeah Colorado and they were like Aurora's trending that must be our new Aurora makeup And then the Makeup they tweeted guess what guys It was the Joker makeup They tweeted the Joker makeup They tweeted out a tutorial of how to

Do your own Joker makeup Oh that's incredible Um So the Um Oh, that's incredible. Oh, fuck. So, we had a bunch planned today, but we wiped it clean because there's a big news event on Friday. Dropped. Oh, right. Of course. Yeah.

Brexit. Oh, is that how you pronounce it? What do you say? I thought it was bre-shee. Bre-shee? Bre-shee. Well, it's about Europe. Bre-shee, the first book of the Torah.

All right. You don't have to do all these Jew jokes that we don't get. I'm sorry. Neither of us have read the Torah. Sorry. Sorry. There aren't any Jews listening. Was there a Jew version of C.S. Lewis books?

I was so pissed off when I found out that those were all like Christian. I know. Yeah, yeah. Allegory. I was like, what? I thought you made up all this cool shit. You tricked me into liking this shit. A big mouse that does sword fighting.

And it's like, that's Paul or something. Yeah. Jesus was the lion. Clearly the lion. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That shit is so fucking gay, dude. I hate when I get tricked into liking Christianity shit. Oh man. I saw that. Sorry. I just remembered. I did extra work on Jermaine Fowler's sketch comedy show like a year ago.

Friends of the people. Yeah. And so I don't know. Have either of you been extras in anything? No. No. It's the funniest. I'm always the fucking star.

I'm the star of the show. It's the funniest shit in the world. So like all the people that most of the people doing extra work, it's like it's actually it's an easy job. Yeah. the people that most of the people doing extra work it's like it's it's actually it's an easy job yeah and if you're a union you get like 150 bucks a day and you mostly just sit around if you like freelance or something it's great you bring your laptop you can like just write that's awesome yeah you don't really have to do shit you're in like a scene for maybe like five seconds oh that's

cool do they feed you yeah you get free food you dick sucked. And then 10% of the people there. Okay, so yeah, like 89% of the people are, you know, just like just. They know what's up. 10% are, you know, trying to be serious actors. And then 1% are like bat shit insane. Immensely ill people. Just like there was this one time I was in holding for a show. And there's this woman with like aviator sunglasses on, rail thin, anorexic, very tall, lanky, veins everywhere, just a very vascular, creepy woman.

She's hunched over like a fucking gargoyle on her chair. And some guy was like, oh, well, my friend David Richards, he's a writer. He's talking to somebody quietly. And from across the room, she goes, Oh, yeah, I know him. He raped me. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, I know him. He raped me back in the 80s.

I was like, I don't know. What are we supposed to do with that? And then they start talking. She's like, oh, never mind. This must be a different guy. It was like somebody with the same name. Was he a manager at a Chili's in New York? The only set job I've had is the one you got me when we were truck boys.

Truck boys, dude. Didn't you have a good extra? Well, I was about to tell an extra story. I forget what the fucking lead into it was. I think we were talking about that. Oh, yeah, the Jesus allegory thing. But there was this one guy at that Friends of the People thing who just had like 90s asshole hair. You know? Like both

of his parents were named Zach. Like a fucking always wearing eyes odd. Like penis haircut. That 90s penis haircut. Like a very nicely shaped glands helmet of hair.

Anytime they would call cut cut he would immediately turn and face the camera and you could see him on all the monitors and no one's paying attention oh my god just trying to fucking ignore him and uh and then i had to fucking listen to oh yeah so i went into uh uh yeah i forgot what okay yeah we're sitting in holding and one of the producers comes in and like they tell us like guys, so basically the sketch idea is like, I don't want to shit on the show or whatever, but they're just telling you the pitch of the sketch. So it's like even if the funniest show in the world,

they just tell you, like, here's the idea. You're like, okay, you're not going to laugh at it. Right, whatever. They're just telling you to know what's going on. Yeah, yeah, so she's like, okay, so basically the setup is like they're throwing a house party, and the president shows up, Barack Obama shows up, and he eats all the food. And again, I don't want to show this show. Why are you prefacing that?

And then this guy, he like leans in. He physically leans in, and he's like like, Oh wow, that's so great. And I had to like, you know, step out of the room for a second to like, you know, call him a slur under my breath, laugh at him. And I come back in and the producer's talking to him and she goes, no, president Obama won't actually be here. He thought the president of the United States was going to do a quick drop in. Spend a day shooting a sketch where he eats too many Cheetos. Right, for TruTV.

But yeah, no, we were leaving. We were in like a van back to the city or whatever at the end of the day. And like somebody was talking about something. And, you know like well what is your favorite film and they were like oh the matrix or something and that guy goes you know that uh that whole story is actually an allegory for jesus christ hell yes he starts describing the matrix parallels i mean mean, it sort of is. He's not wrong. Two and three are just a Christ allegory. Oh, of course.

I mean, isn't the license plate like a... Yeah, yeah. It's like a biblical reference. We can't criticize it because they're both trans, though. Oh, are they? Oh, yeah, they're both trans. Yeah, the other one's trans now, too. So is it the Wachowski sisters? Yes, well, no, just the Wachowskis.

You just say the Wachowskis. Is that their chosen pronoun? Yeah, yeah. What are the odds? The pronouns. What are the odds? It's really true. Let me ask you this, though.

Do you think they would have transitioned if the second two movies had been better? If they had been better movies, as good as the first one? They're sitting with their PR guy, and they're like, look, we need to get a little traction right now. Speed Racer bombed. God damn it, you said we wouldn't have to. If they had never gotten funding for the Animatrix, would they have transitioned? I watched Speed Racer, their Speed Racer on Mushrooms once and it was... Intense?

So scary. I mean, I had to turn it off. I tried watching Speed Racer on Mushrooms once and it was... Intense? So scary. I mean, I had to turn it off. I tried watching Super Jail on Mushrooms. I don't know why I thought that would be a good idea. Isn't that the show that on purpose fucks with you? Yeah, it's like even when you're sober, you feel kind of disturbed. It's great. It's one of the best things I've ever seen.

But yeah, I tried watching that on Mushrooms. I had to leave the room. That was too much yeah you remember jose extreme parking oh god that guy was the best we'll talk about jose real quick all right so nick nick gets me a job he's like you just gotta sit in the passenger seat of this truck that's basically it and then we gotta move things like a couple times but you just hang out on this truck in the middle of the the day, they're like, yeah, we're going to need you to get your own 16-foot truck and drive it around Manhattan.

Just alone, just in a massive truck. Oh, you were alone, but Nick wasn't with you? Yeah, they split us up. For starters, the truck they made us pick up, it was like a 20-foot truck, and normally trucks are 14-foot. Right. And like a 20-foot truck, you don't need a CDL until it reaches like, I don't know, it's a weight thing, but basically like a 30 foot truck.

Right. But the difference between 14 and 20 feet is huge when you're driving that truck. Because they're also wider too. Yeah, you get in that thing and you're like, I shouldn't be driving this fucking truck. Especially around Manhattan. Yeah. I'd feel weird driving in like the fucking Baltimore suburbs in the middle of fucking, and you guys were right in the mix.

We had a, we're like in midtown driving these massive trucks alone yeah midtown i just lied my way into this job next it's not even a lying thing they don't give a shit they don't give a fuck they don't give a shit they hire whoever it's like yeah i got a friend brent he'll do it and then it's like okay we'll go pick up two million dollars worth of camera and lighting equipment they're like no we already signed for it. And then just park the truck wherever. They don't even give you instructions on where to park the truck.

So, yeah. So, like, we had a 5 a.m. call. They're like, yeah, it's our responsibility to park the trucks. And so, like, we're supposed to park them in, like, you know, lots or whatever. We had a 5 a.m. call. There's this dude that's just, like, wide away. We get there to park the trucks. And he's just, like, screaming at get there to park the trucks and he's just

like screaming at people like moving trucks like air traffic controlling and uh like i get it he like screams at me to move the truck and then i get out and he's like anyway man sorry i yelled at you um my name is jose i'm a small business owner um i own my own company it's called extreme parking he didn't he didn't tell. He showed us his business card. That's what we found because we struck up a conversation with him. They hire somebody, and this guy's only job is to just sit outside all night before the shoot and put up traffic cones so that nobody will take the parking space. Right, right, right. Which is like shooting in New York.

You need someone to – Totally. It's called a parking coordinator. It sounds illegal, right? No, it's not. No no you get permits from the streets but the way the permits work is they don't say that you can't park there it just allows you to hold the parking space gotcha gotcha so if somebody wanted to come and take that parking space they could gotcha um and that's why you have like a cone guy so this guy's business is he owns the cones he's the cones guy He just owns the cones The business Well he shows us His business card

And it says Extreme parking on it Jose Extreme parking Yeah And it took everything I had Not to like That's incredible

Excuse me I have to go They have a website I found the website I have to take it over Yeah Anyway so He's like bragging to us

We're like Yo so like Are the parking guys In New York union? That's what you ask every job on a film shoot. It's like, are you union or not? Because that's an easy conversation starter. And he's like, hell no, dude.

I'm never going union. I'm never going union, bro. He's like, yeah, man. I raised six kids. I raised six kids. Nine. You exaggerated in the wrong direction on that. Yeah, that's crazy.

He's like, I raised nine six kids. Nine. I raised nine kids. You exaggerated in the wrong direction on that. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. He's like, I raised nine kids. Last year, Extreme Parking made $85,000. And like split between me and my five guys. Well, we asked him. We asked him. He's like, I made $90,000 last year. And I was like, that's pretty good. Is that before or after tax?

He's like, well, it split between me and my eight guys. I'm like, that's no money. No money. No way I'm going union, man. No way I'm going union, bro. I've raised nine kids on this. That's so

fucking funny. On this parking game. Yeah. Holy shit. What is he feeding those fucking kids, dude? I don't know, man, but production is the funniest job for meeting those kinds of people. Oh, it's the best. The other extra, I did extra work on Blue Bloods. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thomas Ellick?

Did you see Thomas Ellick? No, but I saw Donnie. Oh, hell yeah. I saw Donnie, and there was this fucking guy there, this older black dude who was like in his like, probably, he was probably in his early 60s. Okay. And, you know, he clearly had taken elocution lessons or at least knew how to approximate them because you know he's like always had his fucking

eyebrows vaulted you know like speaking in a you know very like erudite way or whatever but then bullshit it was always bullshit and uh like the minute i saw this guy when we're sitting and holding i'm like i'm gonna listen everywhere this guy has to say yeah for also a lot of the extras they have their own cop outfits because they do extra work so much oh wow they go and buy new york police officer outfits i come with my uniform no that's what they do because it's like you can get a job as like uh you know uh the guy that's permanently a police officer on the background of like csi or whatever hell yeah so we're there and he finds this girl um i forget her name we'll call her gabby and she was like younger like kind of attractive but not tv attractive you know like

she's like yeah i'm trying to become an actress you know that's what i want to do is i want to be an actress and it's like you know i mean whatever she's 19 so yeah she has time to like figure out that you know she's not going to be an actress yeah and uh this lawrence guy immediately hones in on her because it's someone that he can spew all of his bullshit oh god and uh you know like i'm trying to remember a couple of the hits but you know there was a good one in there where he's like, you know, I mean, I show up on these sets and, you know, I'm ready to go. You know, and at one time they say to me, Lawrence, you know, we need you to move up and we need you to speak a couple of lines in this one. And I say, I'm ready. I can do that.

But they give me just my sides and I say, well, I'm going to need the whole script. I need to understand my character's motivations. What is he feeling in this situation? You know, like, and the line is like, yeah. Has anybody seen the coffee maker? Pokes her head in or whatever. Yeah. It's never went that way. And he's like, I need to know my motivations. And then, you know, it's like everything's like, uh, just filled with all this like bitterness. There's like a subtext of, you know, jealousy and anger. And there's one time he was like, I just heard him and he's talking to me. He's like, and I told her, you know, you know, I mean, next time you're going to be working for me.

I'll be producing on the next one. I'll be directing. You know, you're going to be working for me. So, you know, no, you can't talk to me that way. I forget who said the line, but my favorite lines is, uh, I'm going to show them who's never been boss. And I think that applies.

I think that applies to Lawrence. But so he's going off about, you know, the whole time. One time he's saying, uh, you know, I've been here since season one.

I've been working here on this project together since season one. It's like, you know, you've just been booked as an extra for seven years. Yeah. On Blue Bloods. Yeah, on Blue Bloods. The show with 19 granddads where everyone has a mustache. The mustache granddad show. Jesus Christ.

So it's like Tom Selleck is supposed to play the patriarch on that show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like cop granddad, and then his son has a son. So he's the granddad. Right. And then Tom Selleck's dad is on the show, too. So there's another grandpa. Jesus Christ.

Really? There's that many grandpas? Nine generations of Irish cops. But the guy who plays Tom Selleck's father on the show is only like three years older than Tom Selleck in real life. I love that shit. Because his dad math doesn't make any fucking sense. older than Tom Selleck in real life because his death math doesn't make any fucking sense but so after like a whole day of Lawrence going off about how much you know everybody loves him or whatever he's talking he's like you know me and Donnie have been working on this project for years

together Donnie Wahlberg shows up you know nobody's seen Donnie yet I'm like oh that's pretty cool it's Donnie Wahlberg and he walks by and Lawrence sees him and he goes, good morning, Donnie. And Donnie Wahlberg takes one look at this man and goes, been seeing too much of you around here, Lawrence. And just walks away. Been seeing too much of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was completely annoyed. Oh, my God. And then he goes, he like turns to that girl and he's like, we play games with each other.

We like to joke around with each other. Oh, boy. Oh, man. Okay. So if we're talking about like career actions, I feel, I mean, Tommy Myers is coming up again. Have you guys seen his acting reel? It's the best. His acting reel.

It's the absolute best. He's like an investigation discovery show. It's like he's a priest in like an investigation discovery. He doesn't look surprised. He looks like he learned emotions from emojis. Yeah. He learned how to react to things.

Whoa. Okay, well, I'm supposed to have dollar signs in my eyes right now. What is the dollar sign tongue emoji all about? Put your money where your mouth is, dude.

Ooh. Yeah. It took me years to figure that out. Yeah, that's incredible. Good for you, man. So, Tom, your motivation in this scene is, I want you to imagine that your character is confused. He's just been hit with all this information about this missing girl.

It's almost like I want you to imagine that you've just had a bong hit transplant. That's what you're doing in this scene. Is it just that? Okay, so, carried so you're in the hospital tom yeah you're in the hospital you just had a bong hit transplant the ekg is beeping next to you okay so there were complications during your bong hit tom first of all thank you for being a part of the reboot of West Wing. I'm so happy you're here. So basically in this scene, it's a walk and talk scene, and you are there next to Madam President,

and you're walking down the hallway of the West Wing, and then you have to eat her pussy. If you can do that for us, Tom. She wants to get revenge on Bill. Tom, I want you to imagine. Okay, so pretend like you've smoked pot before. Imagine you're Paul Revere and you're on pot. I think the British are coming, dude. The British are coming, man. So the Brexit, what do you guys think? Oh, of course. Oh, Brécy. Is that Brécy?

Well, man, it's just, you know, one of those things. I don't know. That's one of those things I didn't fucking pay attention to. They said they were going to do it, and they did it. I look at my friends reacting to it on Twitter. I'm like, I guess I'm supposed to be mad about this. I don't even know what the EU is, really. I just thought it meant you don't have to get a work visa if you want to like work

in France or whatever. Yeah, it's easier to go to France. That doesn't apply to me. It doesn't mean shit to me. I think it does feel like too much shit that's like a little weird is happening recently.

Like I could, this could be just something, this happens and then some fucking, there's a skirmish. You think like a Trump? Like something fucked up I feel like. I don't know. This is the first time I've been fucking, there's a skirmish. You think like a Trump? Something fucked up, I feel like.

I don't know. This is the first time I've been like, that's weird. That's a fucked up weird thing. I'll just say the worst part of the Brexit for me is my dad called me four times on Saturday morning. Your dad calls you about everything, though. With Brexit puns. And it was like, I was living in an absolute eternal hell. Damn, dude.

Terrible. That must suck, having a loving father. Bitch. This bitch has a good relationship with his parents. What do you mean that's the first time you think like... Oh, fuck. Now I'm calling you on it. It was my dad's birthday yesterday.

That's hilarious. I gotta call my fucking father. Shit. How old is he? I, dude, I could not tell you. I think he's 60. Jesus Christ, man. Come on, you can't even eyeball it or...

He's 63? Ball party, rather? That makes sense. That's like my dad's age. My dad's turning 65 this month. My dad's like 63, 64. All right, let's see. I'm 27.

He was 35 when he had me. 64, right? No, see. I'm 27. He was 35 when he had me. 64, right? No, that doesn't make sense. Because my dad was like 36 when I was born, and he's like 63. 62. Yeah, that's right. That's what I'll say. Your dad's got to be a year younger than my dad.

Okay. Because I'm older than you. Yeah, but my dad could fuck your dad's bitch ass up, dude. What if my dad and your dad like kissed back in elementary school? What if they practiced kissing on each other, and that's how they met our moms? Dude, that's probably what would happen. What if we parent trap all three of our dads to be gay? So we could be real brothers.

I feel like your dad would be a bottom. Check this out. Your dad's a top? No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your dad's a Mary Conn? My dad would top you, dude. Mary Conn.

My dad is a Mary Conn. Your dad's a fucking Capone. Your dad's a Maricon? My dad was happy. He's a Maricon. Maricon. My dad is a Maricon. Your dad's a fucking Capone. My dad's a Wachowski. The worst joke. Throw a little wig on him? Throw a dreadlock wig on him? The worst joke pitch I ever got from him. I was like, he called like four times.

I called him back. And he's like, comedy is over. Comedy is over. And I'm like, what are you talking about? He's like, his name is Wiener and he showed his Wiener. And I was like, I gotta go. I have to go. That is a pretty good bit.

Leave me alone, please. What happens to dads that they just become horribly fucking unfunny? Even like professional comedian dads. Like at 65. I don't know what happens. As soon as you become a father, the two things happen. You stop being funny and you start having to scream when you yawn. Yeah.

I don't understand what that is. You can't just fucking yawn like a normal person. You have to start screaming. Like a deaf person having an orgasm. Take that. You guys are lucky though that sorry to make this Jew again

but your dads don't go through one of those like just getting obsessed with Israel things. Like just getting angry and shouting at you. Yeah but everybody's dad's racist about something. Well, your guy's dad's getting into cool stuff like trains and stuff, right?

Yeah, my dad's into trains. My dad developed autism at age 61. Really? His wife took him to a train museum for his birthday a couple years ago, and he's trying to show me a train video on his phone, and I almost had to go cry. Oh, my God. I was like, I feel so bad for you.

Dude. What's happening? My father became a crazy cat man. Cat man. I'm not even kidding, dude. This fucking, so he's got, he's a carpenter. He's got his own like fucking place. And I went in there to visit him, dude.

There was at least 15 cats. Just, you just had fucking huge. Is it all Greek dudes? Huh? Is it all Greek dudes working Huh? Is it all Greek dudes Working at the spot? It's just his fucking spot It's just him

It's just him You know who did that? Hemingway Your dad's like Hemingway Yeah Maybe he'll fucking shoot himself Shoot himself in the face In Idaho

Here's hoping Yeah And get all that cat money dude Yeah I could get I could fucking Inherit all those cats Inherit his debt Hemingway was so dumb

Why do people like Hemingway? Hot take I don't know Hot take alert I've never enjoyed his writing He's like oh I'm incredible I went to Africa

And I murdered an animal I'm gonna write a fucking Whole story about people Yeah Oh this is incredible Have you ever read that This guy went to Africa And he murdered an animal

You know that short story What is it The short symbol Shoes Francis McComer Is that Hemingway It's a Hemingway short story That's like the most like

Like PUA MRA I've ever read really Yeah so the story McComer. Is that Hemingway? It's a Hemingway short story that's like the most like, like PUA, MRA thing I've ever read. Really? Yeah, so the story is like this guy goes to Africa with his hot wife to like hunt a lion but then there's this just fucking big dick swinging like hunter that's already there that like has

to take them out into the field and this guy's like a stuck up like, you know. He cuts him? No, well, yeah, he does. So they go out to, you know into the field and this guy's like a stuck up like you know he cuts him no well yeah he does so they go out to you know to hunt and he like takes his like you know disaffected you know uh like disillusioned wife out into the field with him so she can watch him do a safari or whatever to oh to like want to fuck him again yeah and they go out well not at this point in the story they're just sort of like in a you you know, a malaise. They're like upper middle class people or whatever. He's like, we're going on safari. And they go out into the, into the, you know, the field or whatever.

And there's like a rhino or something. And the guy tenses up and he can't shoot the rhino. He's like a coward about it or whatever. He's a bitch. And the hunter has to save him. And the hunter saves him. And then there's like the next scene is like the guy's in his tent at night and he hears his wife go like, fuck the other guy. Yeah.

And he just sits there like all mad while the wife's like fucking the other guy. And then she comes back and he's like all pissed off. He's like, I can't believe you fucking did that or whatever. So the next day they go out and there's a fucking lion, dude. And he's like, I'm going to kill that lion. And he goes out and even the hunter's like don't do it man you know like don't kill the lion he like goes out in the field and then he like shoots once and shoots twice and he's missing or whatever and then finally there's like one last shot and

he like the lion drops but he drops too and the wife had like stood up and she shot like him in the back of the head so he became a man but then his fucking bitch wife killed him anyway just sucked off a guy stupid yeah that sounds like

some pretty relatable that sounds I mean that sounds a lot like that old joke where like just like imagine Hemingway sitting at his like

fucking typewriter and be like and then that fucking cunt and then here's what she did and not me I got a fucking

hard six and a half. That's average, dude. That's fucking average. No one can tell you it's not average. Average means good. Yo, you know that old joke, though, about the guy that goes to Africa to kill the lion? No. Is it poor old, he thinks it's a Cadillac?

Is it that one? No, no, no. He goes out to kill the lion, he sits back and he unloads. He unloads on like bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. The dust settles. The lion's still standing there and the lion goes up to him

and he's like, you know, you missed me so I'm going to give you a choice. Like either I'm going to eat you or you can suck my dick. So he's like, all right, I'm'm gonna suck your dick right and then the next the next you know season whatever he goes out he sees the same line

bang bang bang bang dust settles it's like you miss me you're gonna have to i'm gonna eat you or you're gonna have to suck my dick and then like the third season obviously yeah he's like out there and he's like uh yeah um the lion like comes up to him and he's like he's seeing his life flash before his eyes and he like looks him square in the him and he's like he's seeing his life flash before his eyes and he looks him square in the eyes and he's like you must really like sucking my dick my grandfather told me that that doesn't make any fucking sense i thought the project was gonna be something like uh you want to just skip it i don't know i don't know what i thought that was like a very well-known old joke.

That's like, no, I've never heard that. My grandfather told me that joke. It doesn't make any sense. It makes no sense. There used to be a joke about it. I thought it was his wife or something. Like a genie when I was in middle school. It was like, you get two wishes. The first was like, I want to suck another guy's dick.

That's what Mike asked for. That's like the punchline is like somebody. Being gay. Being gay, yeah. But there's a genie involved. Oh, yeah. I remember there was there was a fucking. Yeah, there was another one where it was like a gorilla.

It's like we'll give you they told this poor zookeeper, we'll give you eighty thousand dollars to get fucked in the ass by this gorilla. And he's like, there's like for eighty thousand dollars, get fucked in the ass by this gorilla and he's like it was like for eighty thousand dollars get fucked in the ass he's like all right i'll do it but uh you're gonna have to give me some time to come up with eighty thousand dollars and it's like that was like a fucking joke i used to tell on buses on that one uh uh r.i.p you gotta plug that i'm sorry man this you so fucking much, man. God damn it. Every day, it's getting a little better, but... It's been a long day. Without you, my friend. La farambe. Well, I think this is a good first chunk.

What do you want to do? Yeah, sure. I mean, we can just go through. We don't need to have... You want to go through? Yeah, we'll just keep doing. I got to pee. Oh, you got to pee?

Okay, then we'll take a break and then we'll come back. Is there anything else We wanted to riff on Before You guys got any zingers In there Over the last I just

The Brexit dude I don't know Yeah I can't get over it Yeah how about this Boris Johnson Looks like fucking Trump Yeah

Huh Yeah they got the same hair Huh He looks like Boris Becker dude Uh oh Becker Good show

Ted Danson That blind guy Brexit Dans Boris Becker, dude. Uh-oh. Becker, good show. Ted Danson. That blind guy. Brexit, Danson, Becker, Johnson. We made it. We brought it all full suckle. And you know who else was on Cheers with Ted Danson was Frasier. Frasier from earlier. Which we also mentioned in the show.

I'm gay, Niles. We fuck aliens. It's so funny how callbacks work. I know. How this comic will be on stage in 45 minutes in their act. They'll be like, egg sandwich anyone? And people will be like, ah! He said that 25 minutes ago!

Why do you think? I think legitimately it's because it's the same reason that roasts work, right? Because everyone laughs when you're making fun of a celebrity because it's like a common experience like hating justin bieber is something that we all feel or something supposedly i don't give a fuck about justin bieber so that yeah it's like oh yeah we shared that joke 20 minutes ago that's why i think i ask i think it honestly is just like the first time that happens, it's fucking weird and funny. So you laugh. And then if you have two jokes that have the same punchline, it's a funny coincidence.

So it's like, oh, that's funny. But now people just like plan it. I think he's right. I think it has to do with like the communal aspect or whatever. You know what? I think that's why like a lot of like why newer comedy or stuff online that's like you can't really understand the structure of it. Like what makes Sam Hyde so funny why that can't appeal why you can never do that on stage just because it's like necessarily individual there's no like community there it's just like one guy's

fucking weird personality all comedy like on the internet like memes is like do be comedy like not like joint but like yeah people do be like that oh my god teachers it's all formulas you can just plug in whatever you want yeah because like oh that time when the teacher looking at you and you're like you know it's all like oh yeah that's just i hate when they teach you when i was like 17 um me and my friend brendan used to hang out with like these kids that we just hated we like didn't like of course and like i I wasn't there for it, but Brendan was telling me about it. One of them was showing everyone on his laptop this picture of,

it's like SpongeBob SquarePants, but his eyes are all red and he's got a bong and pot leaf behind them. And it's like SpongeBong hemp pants. SpongeBong weed pants. And they're dying. And this one kid goes, oh man, I gotta show my dad this. My dad

will love this, dude. Dad sucks, man. That's like worse than if he was just like, yeah, my dad molested me when I was a kid. It's on par with that. That's how much of a slip-up that was. Proto memes. My dad loves SpongeBobmemes. My dad loves

sponge-bong weed pants. Dude, I can't believe David Cameron fucked up so bad, guys, in that Brexit. Yeah, that was crazy.

How did he... How do you go from directing Titanic... Didn't he fuck a pig in the mouth? Didn't that come out a couple years ago that he fucked a pig's mouth?

Is that what Black Mirror was about? I think Black Mirror might have, have like made some allusion to or nor or maybe that even came out after black mirror that when he was at cambridge or oxford or whatever he was in some like secret society where he had to fuck a pig in the mouth he did that just went away and he was allowed to continue being the prime do you see at the speech where he said sorry and then quit yeah that's pretty funny though to be like all right well that's pretty good that's on par with to continue being the prime. Do you see the speech where he said, sorry, and then quit? Yeah, yeah. That's pretty funny, though,

to be like, all right, well, fuck you guys. That's on par with Nixon's just like, see ya, peace signs. He literally trolled on his way out.

It was awesome. That was the best thing he's ever done. His fucking jowls shaking. That was awesome. Ah, aren't any Jews gonna be at the party i don't want jews at the party did you read that the book with all the transcripts in it well

we were gonna do that oh yeah we were gonna do that podcast yeah we were gonna do a nixon secret tape podcast fun where we'd get like people to like play kissinger and like whatever yeah it's not bad and you just do excerpts from the tapes. We could do little... And it's like, how that goes from being like, you know what would be a funny idea to actually being something? It's hard, yeah. We try to come up with bits and we do them and it's like, all right, that was a minute and 22 seconds long. And I used three racial slurs.

So, I guess we're going to have to delete that. We'll get back to it. We got some great character work in the past. I mean, this will be... The rest of this, there will be no character work. Yeah. For sure, no one will be doing any characters. But we've done in the past some pretty good character stuff.

I think so. There are a couple of characters that I think we've done on this podcast. Yeah. I think... I hope Lauren Michaels isn't listening. Yeah, Lauren is listening. Yeah, we came up with Dr. Evil. That's one.

We wrote Doc Evil. Hey, it's me, the family guy. That's our other character, is the family guy. Oh, Lois. Hey, I'm trying to eat a sandwich. I'm freaking a fat guy. I'm a freaking fat family guy, and I want a sandwich over here. A freaking sandwich.

That's a fun character. Is family guy guy gay? I'm gay. Oh, totally. McFarlane? Absolutely. He's gay. And I feel like

he's one of those gay guys that feels like he missed the opportunity to come out of the closet. So he just really likes musicals? Well, he's just like... I feel like that's probably a problem that gay guys have now

where it's like you had a window to come out of the closet now you're just old and you're like everybody already assumes i'm gay i don't know if i should say anything or or what that was right after uh right when the orlando shooting happened uh the matilda girl uh oh yeah yeah mara wilson was like posting on facebook she's like like, by the way, guys, I'm queer. I don't know if you know that. She like used that day to be like, I'm queer. Not gay, queer, which just means that like, you know, I got my hair cut too short one time. Exactly.

Oh, man, I was at Pride the other day and I saw, you know what I love? Sucking off guys. Well, yeah, it's Pride, dude. Not prude. It's Pride. You got to I love? Sucking off guys. Well, yeah, it's pride, dude. Not prude. It's pride. You got to have fun there. Fleet Week. Fleet Week is the real pride.

That's the real pride. That's real pride. That is. Those are the most prideful men. Seaman outfits. They're called seaman. They're literally called seaman. There has to have been a hat comic that made a joke about people thinking that it was white

pride or whatever, right? No, but I'll take it. I don think i call that one all right that's yours that's all thanks man you guys see these donald duck racists out here they're all dressed like donald duck and they're white supremacists uh so yeah no i was at pride and there's you know like it's all like people that are naked or whatever and they're like kissing each, it's all, like, people that are naked or whatever, and they're, like, kissing each other. It's, like, expressing sexuality. Yeah, yeah. And I swear to God, I was walking down the street, and in the middle of, like, the parade, and, like, one of those, like, West 10th, there's a fucking, like, probably homeless older black lady, like, in her, like, you know, early 70s, rail thin, you know, like, kind of like an emaciated crack body. Yeah, correct. And she's in a wheelchair

and she's got her like jeggings pulled down over her like, you know, the diameter of her legs was probably like four inches each. It's like beanpole legs.

Jesus Christ. And she's got her jeggings pulled down. She's masturbating with both hands. And she's like, oh my God. Oh my,

oh my fucking God. And she's fucking just rubbing, my God. Oh, my fucking God. And she's fucking just rubbing her pussy. And everyone's just trying to ignore it. Like shielding their eyes and trying to run. Like, why doesn't she have her own float? This is what this should be in the parade. Can we get her? Can she be the Grand Marshal?

This is the most powerful display of sexuality of anything here. What, we're supposed to be proud of some fucking hot 20-year-old girl with pasties on her perfect tits? Yeah, yeah. Give this woman a fucking TV show. Some ripped jarhead guy with like Ultimate Warrior rubber bands around tassels or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that too because she's probably just beating off to all the gay dudes. Oh, yeah.

That's what she was doing. She was just staring at all these men and masturbating. Just looking incredible. I got to pee so bad. All right. We're going to take a break. We got a real sweet treat for you after break. We better think of something.

All right. See you guys. The day after tomorrow. A time when criminals rule the city. The only weapon that can stop them needs a driver. A man without a memory can be supplied with one. A criminal in cosmetic fine tuning, he'll be our driver. Let's initiate changeover.

Three, two, one, activate. The most wanted man on wheels is about to change sides. Now, against a corrupt system, a lone fight for justice, Viper is taking back the streets. Back the streets. Folks, the boys are back in town. Brockman Turner Overdrive, live in studio. But some sad news.

All right, I guess I'm just going to abandon. Oh, I'm sorry. You guys got nothing for that? I wasn't going anywhere with that. Oh, yeah. It was Ben Lizzy that sang that song. Well, boys are back in town? Yeah, yeah. No, it's not. You guys got nothing for that? I wasn't going anywhere with that. Oh, yeah. It was Ben Lizzy that sang that song. Well, Boys Are Back in Town? Yeah, yeah. No, it's not.

Yes, it is. Oh, it is. You're right. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Fucking Ireland's own. Yeah. Look, dude, we're all a little frazzled.

We just had some. Yeah, no, we got terrible news. Terrible news. Guys, we found out, you know, and I know this is going this is gonna you know be weird uh you know like tonally before you say can you just like be responsible like be like honor honor what we're about to say like do it with honor and not no jokes and yeah i won't make any jokes i guess i mean i do feel partially responsible i guess i was kind of mean to him, but it was like a freak accident. But Seth Dickfield, who you guys may or may not know, he's come on the podcast sometimes.

Have you met him? No, actually, I haven't. But we've had sort of an intense back and forth, I guess, a little bit. I mean, I was a little annoyed that he came on my show and he caused some grief with another guy I know. A good friend of yours? Yeah, a guy that I'm pretty good friends with that I've known for years.

We've known each other for 10 years, since he was about 30. He's near 40 now. So that's how long I've known him. He's almost 40 years old now. Seth Dickfield, unfortunately, he was on vacation

in Europe last week and he was visiting Auschwitz just to see the sights and take it in. He slipped on a banana peel and cracked his head open on one of those novelty penny smashing machines. Oh no. And he died. I can peel and cracked his head open on one of those novelty penny smashing machines. Oh, no.

And he died. I can't deal with this man. And I know it sounds like that's a very funny way to die. Yeah, especially considering he's not even Jewish. He's not. But it's the actual way he died. I know that like that guy from Star Trek that died. You know, like everyone was pretty

chill about not making jokes about the ridiculous way yeah don't laugh at it dude i'm sorry there's nothing funny about anton yelchin being crushed by his jeep while trying to check his mail by driving over himself there's nothing funny about it's not's not funny. I can't do this, man. And it's not funny that there's a steakhouse themed... There's a Holocaust themed steakhouse. That's not funny. It's not funny that Seth was there. Guys, I can't. This tone is too light.

I can't do this, man. I don't want to disrespect the dead. I gotta go, man. I'm sorry. Alright, well luckily we have someone here to send Seth off. Oh, no, yo. Oh, what's up? Everybody, please welcome Ralph Arowski, Seth Dickfield's cousin.

My beautiful cousin, Seth, yo. Yo, this is the saddest day of my fucking life since the O's lost to the fucking Kansas City Royals and the fucking AL Champions. Yo, the fucking good ones always go early, yo. You know, um... That's true. The good ones always go early. The good ones always go early. The good ones?

The good ones. Yo, please do not fucking antagonize me right now, yo. I just lost my fucking baby cousin, yo. I will not have this right now, yo. He's grieving. I'm grieving, yo. What are the fucking seven stages of grief? Fucking sadness.

Denial. Beating up a fucking Jew that talks to you funny. You know what I mean, buddy? And right now, I'm getting close to number three right now, okay? I'm sorry. Let me mourn my fucking cousin, yo. I'm sorry, Ralph. We're here for you.

Yo, I don't know, dude. It's tough, man. This is tough now. My family, now we got to find a new gay cousin to make fun of, yo. Yo, I think it's going to be my cousin Mark who cried during 9-11, you know? You know, that's not the kind of family we are, yo. We are vengeance family, yo. We find some Sikhs and we beat them up afterwards.

We don't fucking cry about that shit. So Mark is, but it could be, you know, it could be who knows, man. Is there going to be a funeral for Seth? Yeah, there's going to be a funeral. So we're going to stuff his body up into a crab cake. Are you getting him taxidermied? Yeah, we're going to get him taxidermied, and we're going to actually put him just in the den, in Uncle Mark's den, where it was his favorite place to visit.

And we're just going to put a Steeler's jersey on him, and we're going to give him the finger just for life's sake. That's how we want to remember him the finger just like for sake that's how we want to remember him as a guy we fuck with was your big Steelers fan oh no no he wasn't we would actually hold him down and we would toss Steelers memorabilia on to him and then we would send him out into we would send him out into the streets of Baltimore and we would tell people he loved the Steelers and then people will commit acts of hate against him.

And also we would tell them he was gay. And could you I mean, I know it's tough in a tragedy like this that you didn't you obviously feel like you were robbed of the opportunity to say goodbye and to say, yeah, if you could say something to Seth right now. Like. What would you say? I would say Seth yo. Don't be doing no gay shit in heaven yo. Cause I'm about to be up there. And I'm about to be finger popping some bitches. And if they hear. If Marilyn Monroe hears.

That I got a gay fake Jew cousin yo. That might fuck my shit up. You know what I'm saying? That's who you're going for in heaven. Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn Monroe. Yeah. Yeah.

Well. Yeah. Marilyn Monroe. This. Yeah. This fucking. Cross-eyed black girl from uh dundalk high school that was killed in uh junior year her name was mary is there a different maryland yeah yeah she sucked my dick out back behind a mars once while i was eating fucking burger cookies oh you're you know you go back for doubles so i'm going. So don't be fucking my shit up with Marilyn. I know she got that good heaven body up there now, Seth. What do you think Seth would do

if he had one more day on this earth? Honestly, you know, I think he would probably get on Grindr and then message a guy and then be about to meet up and then delete his account real quick because he realizes he's still in the closet and then meet up.

He didn't know what he would do if anybody ever found out he was gay. I think if he had one last time on this earth. Do you think Seth would get bullied off of Grindr perhaps?

Yeah, I could see that definitely going down. Someone might make fun of Seth on Grindr and he has to delete his account. Yeah, I could see that too. Because he got PTSD.

Yeah, he's gotten PTSD before, yo. But you gave it to him. You gave him PTSD by teasing him. Well, that's what family does, yo. That's the kind of family we was, yo. So I actually, when I heard the news about Seth, I reached out to my friend who lives in Silicon Valley. He's an app developer.

Oh, my God. And so he developed this. Seth loved gay shit like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He developed an app. Oh, yeah? That it's basically they can create a facsimile of your loved one after they die. Oh, my God.

So you can just click on the Seth app. I got him to make a Seth one. Are you serious? I'm going to hook Seth up to the soundboard right now. And I'm going to give you the opportunity to say goodbye to your cousin.

Is that alright with you? If that's weird to you, I don't know if I'm ready for this right now, but... Okay, so I'm gonna just click him in. I'm just gonna... Okay. Hello, everybody! It's me!

Yes! Hello! I'm not dead anymore! Seth is so good to talk to. He's inside the phone now. He's in a phone, yo? I live in the phone now, everybody! Oh my god the phone now. He's in a phone, yo? Yeah. I live in the phone now, everybody. Oh, my God.

I can always have him in my pocket, yo? Seth, yo. Hi, it's me, Seth. Seth, do you know how you died? I'm not dead anymore, everybody. Seth, yo. One big-ass question, yo. Are these coins in the lost and found for anyone?

Seth, listen to me, yo. I'm trying to ask you a serious fucking question, anyone? Seth, listen to me, yo. I'm trying to ask you a serious fucking question, yo. Hello, it's me, Seth. I'm not dead anymore. Seth, you fucking little slut. Shut the fuck up, yo. Oh, my God, yo. Yo, have you seen my coupon for half-off steakums or what, yo?

Can I bring my own coupons? Yo, this fucking app sucks, yo. There's some more of your fucking bullshit. Yeah, I don't know. Hi, it's me, Seth. I'm not dead anymore. This is, yo, honestly, I'm tired of this shit, yo. Fuck, you're ruining the fucking tone, Adam.

Well, I think you're making a mockery of me and my fucking family, yo. I'm not making a mockery. I just thought it might be nice. I think you're fucking my shit up right now. I thought it might be nice if you could see your cousin. Yeah, dude, Adam, don't use that app anymore. Okay, I'm gonna, alright, I thought it might be nice if you could see your cousin. No, that's disrespectful. I mean, even I wouldn't do that. Dude, don't use that app anymore. Okay, I'm going to. All right, I thought it might be nice if you could see your cousin. No, that's disrespectful.

I mean, even I wouldn't do that. Dude, don't you ever do that. I got half a mind to slap your ass over this fuck. You're lucky I respect Anthony Cumia and the studio too much to do that to you right now. But I feel like. Well, you better calm down because I'll tell you right now. Everybody here in the Anthony Cumia studio has a concealed carry permit. because I'll tell you right now,

everybody here in the Anthony Camilla studio has a concealed carry permit. Yeah, and I'm all the way 100% up there with carrying your own fucking arms, yo. I think, honestly, I take my own gun to the paintball, yo. We only got three amendments we care about here in the Anthony Camilla studio. Number one, free speech. Number two, guns.

Number 27, podcasting. Right to podcast. Listen, I think I think we need to send Seth off, yo. I think we need to say goodbye. I think we need to Well, luckily Seth left us a song

that he wanted us to play and we're gonna end it on that note and let Seth himself take us out. I'll miss you, Seth, yo. R.I.P. Dickfield. R.I.P., yo. We'll never forget you.

We'll miss you, Dickfield. Come town, episode eight. I don't know. The eighth episode. That's what this one's going to be called. Goodbye, Seth. I love you, yo. I fucking love you, yo.

I'm sorry, yo. Goodbye, everybody Hey, everybody It's me, Seth Dickfield Hi, it's me, Seth And now I am dead And I'll complain all about it when I see you again It's been a long day fighting Republicans

And I'll complain all about it to none of my friends. I don't have any friends. Goodbye, everybody. I've had a great time here on the podcast. Telling everyone about all my various circumcisions and political opinions. And it's been so much fun being woke. But I'm in heaven now. Where you go if you're perfect like me and beyond criticism.

You know, I know I've complained a lot about the Bernie bros and the MRAs. But, you know, we're all people. I don't remember exactly how this song goes, and I'm not looking at the lyrics, so I just want to reiterate that I'm dead now. I slipped on a banana peel at Auschwitz and my head hit, oh, oh geez, it hit one of these penny machines. Oh boy, here comes the loud part of the song again. You know what I can't stand? Loud noises. Some of us have PTSD, folks. Some of us got PTSD from being teased as children.

I was bullied relentlessly by my 32 older brothers who all hit puberty before me. I've actually never hit puberty. I still don't have puberty. Now I'm up here in heaven with Harambe the gorilla, and he's been having sex with me. He's been demanding sex, and I have to give it to him. Because, first of all, it's right to refuse sex, if you're a man. And also because he's stronger than me.

And with that, folks, I'm going to have to say goodbye once and for all. And I don't know what... I don't remember this part of the song either. Goodbye, everybody.