The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 80 – Weight of the world

Episode Date: December 7, 2017

From now on im only doing the show with my 140lb weight vest on, which I consider a battle treasure from my war with the post office, whomst refused to deliver it.

In the immortal words of Brandon Wardell. It's lit He came up with it And watch the documentary saying swag is Brandon Wardell. He came up with that documentary the pedophile documentary He's like dude. I'm freaking out right now. I was like why cuz you're getting flashbacks Yeah Yeah, we just had to restart the podcast cuz I had to deal with a customer service issue at the post office Mm-hmm little did they know I got my fucking powerful slacks on pulled all the way the fuck up Yes, sir my panty my hat on I'm ready. Oh, yes customer service issues. Mm-hmm hoodie tucked into your pants

Yeah, that's a good look we were saying before this started how much fun it is to look like a fucking idiot Oh, that's what I try to look ugly in every picture. I take yeah Well, you know and in real life and a real no, that's not true every waking kind of cute you succeed Yeah, I think my look is where you've actually you say that but I took a whole horrible picture of you And you tried to get me to not post it which one anyway the one where you're wearing that Janice films Your nose looks like oh, it looks so skinny. That's the only thing I really worry about if certain as well I'm fine. We're not gonna pretend like you're not an insane narcissist that has no Oh, okay, let's okay. Let's go down that road. Let's go down that fucking narcissist road

Okay, first of all, we're all narcissists second of all, but you're an insane Insane narcissist you constantly talk about your body both of you do You both have body image issues bad things we have to first of all I was raised on On breakfast you allowed to have gushers Yeah, it was a very very traditional family. Yeah, it's sure, you know and the toll that has on a young man's blood sugar Mm-hmm, you know, we've had me and stop me and stop have a narrative of self-discovery and triumph you it's true You're just a piece of shit All right, you just

Some unearned sense of you know, yeah, I continue this hilarious bit. There's no triumph, dude Yeah, I had to overcome dude, you know, I don't I was chicken nuggets honestly All I ate for literally one year of my life was gyro meat like the pre-sliced. Yeah, and Like flounder filets. I wouldn't eat anything. I wasn't like third grade. Okay. First of all, I made my mom only I only ate that We're all slum dogs. Okay. We're all overcoming. I'm a slum dog in different ways dog trillionaire Yes Come dog come

There that's cool. Well, anyways me and stop look pretty good I'm all sweatsuit all day, bitch. Well, that's it for the rest of the whole skin pants pulled all the way up over my sweatshirt I just bought some I just bought more champion sweats Yeah, I figure if I look like an old enough man people can't get mad at me for being racist Honestly with that hat on yeah, yeah, like in the pic we just took you look oldest shit like it's hilarious Like you can't really tell you're making a weird old guy face. Yeah, I look young and virile and like sexual like a sexual I get my sexual prime. Yeah, but you look old dude fuck fuck the post office, man Yeah, you really got to go to war with them. You know, yeah, oh, yeah, I'm just deliver the goddamn mail

and 95 year old Fox news Watch watch Oh, it's one of these whatever the people it's just one of these days When you don't want to wake up Seventh penis is your co-host isn't any good at it And you want to know why you want to justify? kick it out him off the show

No human contact if you're in Iraq that guy we don't have a contract Because that means we can fire at him motherfucker Well, it wouldn't even be a fire replacement with a different guy What kind of gay guy he said she said But out gay guy first of all, yeah, you'd have to be out. I mean accused him of being straight Straight not liking trans prostitutes. Yeah, but there's no doubt that he does Ian told me he got outed on a show like years ago like someone's bring him up and they were like Yeah, I saw this guy on grinder, but he pretends. He's not gay and then Ian fight ants. Oh my god. Yeah

That's fucking horrifying. Yeah, the guy brought him up like that That's really cruel it is Ian out at all at the time. No, I mean it's still not really out I mean sort of it. Yeah, you only he only fuck. He only sucks guys dicks if they have long hair So He's still that's not gay dude. No, I the traditional fucking he's like he's like you recognize that that's a woman So being gay is a stampede of antelope, right and Ian is Mufasa Star is his homosexual impulses It's like help me he's fought them off valiantly for a long time, but

Yeah, little does he know what It's a nice tidy analogy. Yeah, I'm saying I'm making a live-action version of Lion King coming up People are already mad about the casting. I think no, I think is it live-action. I thought so I thought it's just a reboot like a cartoon reboot with new voices. That's what I thought. Yeah I'm not really going to be a lion's Beyonce is gonna be a lion. Yeah, dude. It's gonna be like they do on Broadway Headdress. Yeah, yeah, it's like a puppet show. Yeah, that doesn't sound good unless you can see Beyonce's titties It's like how they did Beauty and the Beast. They did a live-action Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, but those were people

No, please. Yeah, the beast isn't a person. Did they have people? I was gonna be CGI'd up. I Guess yeah, that'd be pretty cool. They were like avatars. Yeah, yeah, I mean I thought the lions were already sexual enough in the original line. Oh, I Blame that movie for creating furries Because no, oh, yeah, that's seen with it Can you feel the love tonight and the lines are like making out missionary style? Yeah, yeah, you know very similar to Mark Ruffalo in the normal heart Yeah, we should tack on Tim Riggins. We should tack on the beginning of the last no

No, I think we should throw that away. Yeah, well half of it was me sitting on hold with this with the post-op It's a funny bonus recap of the Justice League movie for you. Yeah, that was was on the phone Yeah, that was funny. That was kind of funny. The mustache thing is funny. Yeah, you'll never know about it guys. Whatever You know what's funny and speaking of like cartoon sex is like avatar where they like They tie their like Their tails their tail pussies together, and that's how they fuck. Yeah, that was like a whole thing in porn after avatar Was it there was like not? Oh, yeah, dude as soon as avatar came out fleshlight made it alien style pussy That was just like a blue. Yeah, it's for people that wanted to fuck than the V. Nice. How about I like that?

They got no vagina. Oh, nice. That's what I say to that. No. Yeah. Yeah, there's a new avatar I would fuck me so much. They're making a second one. Yeah, it was fucking horrible. Yeah Giovanni, it's a shame that James Cameron isn't also one of the pedophiles. Yeah, yeah, that would be awesome Yeah, he's too autistic. Although he's just a good. He's just I don't think he has sexual function. Yeah, he just sucks dick That's why he has to go to the bottom of the ocean Fuck one of those weird little the fuck one of those fish that look like aliens a lot of teeth Lamp on its head. Ted Cruz looking at his vampire octopi I

Don't fuck my goth mall girlfriend octopus That's why he's always down there. He's hanging his dick out the little window. That's right, dude. That's a good-ass joke I know a lot of people at home are probably like what the fuck is They haven't say anything It's kind of just lazy You're incorrect. No, brother That bit on SNL James Cameron fucking a vampire octopus in the mouth People are like get him resistance

We will we will overcome Donald Trump by watching James Cameron fuck a starfish Yo, you know, they got a they got Spongebob on Broadway now, and it's just people There's not even in a yellow suit or nothing. It's a guy with fucking just a pompadour in Brown slacks and a white shirt Spongebob you being used to mop up a bunch of cum. That's Against his will. Yeah. Yeah, it's soaking into my body. Just take it you fucking bitch What does Bob sound like? Does he sound like this sort of yeah, yeah, but let's I don't I never watched

SpongeBob, do you remember Rocco's modern life his friend I want to fuck your ass that's Squidward Philbert was like a Jewish turtle. Oh boy. I'm Doshess. I'm getting do it. Yeah, that show is sick Rocco's modern life. Yeah. Yeah, do you remember the music? Favorite show was suck Kakos I was gonna say fuck those hard-ass dick Adam also watch that show They came on it one after the other parents wouldn't let me and then and then of course young Sheldon Which they gave Adam an advanced copy of which is to it this day his favorite show

You like how young Sheldon? Yeah, I really like I don't watch a big bank there and he's like what if Sheldon was young? Why couldn't there be a young version of this man Sheldon Adelson? Yeah Yeah, the guy who raped young Sheldon has another that's another callback to an episode like 20 episodes ago Yeah, that was a funny joke I guess one of the actors from Charles in charge said I was raped repeatedly on the set of Charles in charge I want Scott Bayo to say something about it. Oh damn. Wow. Yeah

Scott Bayo is not saying it Too stoked about Trump being the president. Yeah Well, it looks like Scott Gayo Oh, Scott Bayo with Scott Gayo for a Scott five-year-old Zayl Gayo's Gayo Scott gave it five stars. That's good man. I just Scott Bayo Scott Bayo opens the food companies like Scott Bayo here for Scott Bayo's Biscayos Scotty Bayo's Biscayos

And that was the whole joke Was it it was in my it was in my weed years. Yeah, dude. That's good shit I was cracking myself up the last night imagining doing a bit on stage where I talked about how I'm trying to give back to people some I'm opening a charity called Blades for AIDS where I I provide rollerblades for guys with AIDS Which seems like it doesn't really do much. Hey, they love roller. Well, they already have rollerblades They fucking love rollerblades. That's how you get AIDS. Well, it would have to be you would have to like maintain They'd help them do maintenance on their rollerblades. Yeah, cuz you know, like hey, buddy, where'd you get those cool rollerblades?

That's why that's seen in Big Daddy Where they throw the sticks at the rollerblades. That's homophobic. Yeah, that's true Mm-hmm. How about a big daddy and it's a guy that has a son He wasn't playing around with something now he has a son, but he still loves to just get fucked in his ass and mouth all day He's still a total fuck pig. That's good and it's pig daddy Let's do all the Adam Sandler movies, okay? Happy Gilmore Happy Gilmore. It's a guy that you know, he wants to be a golf player. His ass is already pretty full of gum. He's got full of gum

He's like Oh, yeah, oh Little Nicky That was easy money sure, okay Billy Madison Billy Matt Silly Faggotson Yeah, and he's just you know, yeah same voice. I did earlier. Yeah These are all great ideas

These are all the brilliant ideas that are really gonna help us break through in the entertainment What about really look at the groundbreaking? Punching up kind of stuff like this. Okay. Here's punching up instead of the wedding singer the Brian singer, right? Yeah, and he just fucking children on the set of X-Men about the getting heading Adam great stuff. Honestly. Thank you. I appreciate it. I Was that was necessary. I accept defeat that was I accept defeat who's gonna suck my cock? Yeah, I like the wedding sir. That's a good movie Anyway, but I don't need to break up our momentum here

Hmm, was it mr. Biggs was that one mr. Deeds mr. Deeds Mr. Mr. Bleeds out of his ass There we go, brother There The what was the good movie he was in that everyone's English no drunk love come drunk love come drunk love come drunk easy Yeah Come I love getting drunk off. Come punching my boyfriend for not coming That's a good

Concise yeah, I'm high off my big win against the post office. Yeah, you told him dude Yeah, they're gonna make you postmaster general. Yeah at more like ass master general You know Look my ass like a racist to be the postmaster, right? Yep. I thought they only a staff that position out of the clan That's right postmasa is actually yo, what's up with the mailman that still wear a pith helmets? Is that is that is that honestly I have seen them when I was in Austin four years ago It was the last time I saw is that's Texas helmets is that hot does it make it less hot? No, it's it's they made them for the military in Africa. Yeah, it's like a safari style look

Yeah, it doesn't make but that's what I mean like does it made out of down. What's pith pith is the part of the tree That's not the the heartwood. I guess it's like the younger part of the tree. Mm-hmm. I thought it was the way a gay guy says piss Yeah, it is Thank you, yeah, that's what he calls the tip of his dick is my pith helmet Oh a mailman There's Boy I just got back from Cleveland. I'm fucking I'm fucking hungry shit cuz I've been vegetarian boys dog I'm hungry, but I gotta wait till this goddamn mailman comes back out and

Delivers me my hundred and forty pound weight vest But it's definitely they are the assholes The fucking guy with a bad bag That's right all the way up the stairs That's what you get for not dying in 9-11 with your buddies You could have been a hero and you chose To deliver the mail instead of being a fireman by me They used to be so fine

Make me laugh so hard whenever I would hear that That was a great song dude Shots out a little wheezy. I sold so many of those ringtones. Oh, that's right. You're a game Yeah, dude at the mall who was the biggest seller who was the hottest selling ringtone of the day? Probably a little way And dude back then riding dirty was probably pretty good too, right? I'm fucking riding dirty. I don't know man. Camillionaires a millionaire of ringtone money That's story about him and Michael Jackson is so funny Yeah, Michael Jordan and Camillionaire. Oh

Well, it is story involves the punch line is on an end. Well, the punch line is the end. Oh, yeah Yeah, Michael Jordan called him the n-word. Yeah, a bottle Jordan a broke one. I believe like a notoriously nice guy Yeah, he dresses so fucking stupid to my man's just got baggy ass fucking the best canvas pants. Yeah No, no Michael Michael Jordan's all about like Acid faded jankos with that jeans with butt flaps on them diamond It's always like we're like the zipper of his jeans is like three and a half feet long. Yeah It's always like a hockey jersey and then like Oversized shorts black Kevin J Kevin. Yeah skateboarding shoes. What's the guy from that guy's skateboarding shoes is Kevin

Yeah, he's the black Kevin Smith is Jordan What is it fat guy skateboarding shoes is the funniest? It's always the funniest look I've never worn skateboarding shoes in my life. Really fat guys wearing the skateboarding shoes that turn sideways because of their weight Oh, yeah, it's awful. They never have laces. They're leaning so hard to one side Remember those shoes? I used to work at Papa John's the manager was this fat guy filled it would wear skate shoes And he like never ever ever washed his Papa John's shirt There was like baked dough From the cornmeal mixing with

There's just on the shirt and then the shirt somehow went past his ass and he would sag his pants So his he wore like a size 32 pant Underneath his ass, and then he was like whole body was fat. So his like shirt went like down and in Like tucked into You can see his ass cheeks. Yeah. Yeah. I think I told the story about him on the podcast before I can't remember But one day me and another driver show up to store and the store is not open. Yes. Yeah, but yeah quickly What do you mean quickly say it tell the story. Oh, but I told it already. I think so. Yeah Yeah, we're like we found out like hours later feels like yeah burn down my apartment complex

But don't worry my playstation's okay Salute to a true warrior dude. No having his fucking priorities in line Yeah, and his door. I didn't I didn't lose that save twice the apartment complex Oh, that's right. That's right. Yeah, he was supposed to be like the manager or some shit I was just some fail son that lived in his dad's apartment complex rent-free and he burned the fucking thing down Well, he's not making money, but at least he's not destroying the way I make I like to imagine his dad is like also fat, but like a serious businessman, but he wears his clothes the same way Like a business suit on but tucked in below his ass

Just a striped button-down shirt. Yeah highlighting his fucking fat cheeks. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good look Dude, I'll make your butt cheeks pop. Honestly. Yeah, you probably got a nice look at his cheeks. That's a little bubble But mm-hmm, but but but but but but but but but but but So my dick eat my ass, you know, you want to do it? Oh Oh, but uh fuck. Yeah, I just got back from the land. Oh, I guess I like Cleveland. I hear it's tight Yeah, it's a Erie Lake Erie. I didn't see Mimi. I didn't see either of the guys from whose line is it anyway? That one guy from whose line is it? Yeah, the other guy wasn't whose line the other guy in office line

Yeah, he was great. He was the next-door neighbor in office. Yeah. Yep. I didn't see Drew or Colin Ferguson Um Yeah, oh, that's right. He was the boss. He was the boss that show had like some That show looks like a hell of a lot of fun. Yeah, you know, even if it wasn't funny it looked like they were having fun I loved it. I watched it a lot as a small fucking child You probably looked a lot like Drew Harry as a child I did he was one of my heroes all the black kids because everywhere I went it was like 90% all my schools was like 90% black 10% white and

Every time there was a new fat white comedian. Everyone just said I looked like him like Ralphie may back out Yeah, I got Ralphie May. I got Drew. Carrie. I got Jack black. Uh-huh. I got Kevin James was a big one. Yeah, and I would take that. Did you get Farley? I got What No one ever said my man looked like a fan Oh, can I just say but so it's not buried at the end of the episode our funny moms on the 11th next week Is our last one of the year and we're not back until The fourth week of January because they have some sort of oh shit really. Yeah, because the fourth

The fourth one this this month is Christmas So right 11th is our fun our finale for New York for the year and then we're off and we got Tim Dillon We'll be on that show. We haven't booked the rest of it, but I thought you said yams is on it No, she can't do it. You can't do it. Yeah, so Tim Dillon will be there and then we're gonna we're gonna book It'll be a hot ass like a lot of also in the 22nd. I guess we're doing plug DC. Yeah, the black cat I just wanted to highlight That'll be a live show and we've got some surprises for you aka. We're gonna fuck Adam live on stage Yeah, we're gonna I've agreed to do it for comedy

We're gonna try to do the podcast live and Peter out ever 15 minutes And then it's gonna be the worst show that they've ever put No, it's gonna be good, dude. You think like Sometimes I like to imagine like Gigi Allen just like ran out of songs one time I don't know what to do Playing a fucking ukulele it's completely different music Right, yeah, he's gonna manage his office. He's like I've got an act

Boy, do we have it It's gonna be top of the pops. Let me tell you fuck kids. What didn't you have a song? I was like your aristocrats You're stupid as fucking movie, dude. Yeah, that is such a stupid fucking movie. Yeah, well, it's fine It's just stop pretending. It's anything that's like, you know, something's like art or anything It's just like guess who's outside. Oh, oh, mail time mail mail time Fucking man. All right, let's take a break and then we'll come back Well, yeah, I'm just gonna run downstairs real quick. I'll go down there handle the shit All right. All right. Nick is running downstairs like it's Christmas morning right now

So he can get his fucking weight vest hundred and sixty. I like I have Celebrated a single Christmas. I went up. Well, I would dated a girl. I have to bet celebrated No, no, this is ridiculous. This is All right, so I've been left alone on the podcast ladies and gentlemen It's just me This has been something that I I've been dreaming of for a long time. So I want to say a couple of things One is that

Nick and Stav are my best friends and I appreciate all of the disses the onage the insults that are hurled hurled at me every week and And I actually have planned them. I planned them myself. I write them in an email the night before every episode You know where Nick called me a Narcissist today. I actually prepared that for Nick and it was my idea. So if you Hop on board that joke That means you're literally just stealing a bit that I had written for Nick and stop if your dick had a mouth Would you suck another dick with it? My dick had a mouth? Um

Why like would you do it would I dock another dick with my it would it would feel like it would be a mouth So it'd be like you're putting something in your mouth, but it's a smaller mouth No, why would I do that to be cool to that guy? Would you do that? Yeah, if you asked me Would you suck another guy's dick with your real mouth? No, but with my dick mouth It doesn't have taste buds By the way, so would you you just feel it going inside feel like you wouldn't taste it going into your mouth I wonder what it's like to suck a dick Yeah, it's probably

What does a dick taste like because you know dick and balls get like a stick like after like six hours after I shower It's taking policy is quite a the messy affair though. Yeah, but I'm so accustomed to the flavor Even I mean you've had a hot dog in your mouth. You've had a banana in your mouth. Is it like just like that We know the the geometric, you know The fucking I feel like it's like a hot dog because it's got kind of a skin on it Yeah, it would be a lot like a hot dog. I feel like I hear Nick yelling at the post office guy Is he outside? Yeah, he's outside the audience is really gonna love this. We'll just fucking pause it fuck Nick

All right, we're gonna pause it. We'll be right back once Nick has yelled at this minimum wage postal employee We're back if you uh Notice the difference in my voice sounds more masculine. It's because I'm not 85 pounds heavier than I was Yeah, the break your balls dropped. That's right, dude. I'm wearing 85 pounds a hot fucking lad. That's right. He's wearing the fucking vest He just did one pull-up and he's winded from it. I'll fuck it. Yeah, I Don't know if I can walk in that so yeah props on that one pull up. I can probably do I can probably do three Well, that's why you got to go max effort when you're trying something for the first time

Oh, yeah, that's not doing that. I know I could probably do three. I could probably do four. No, you couldn't well What would you weigh 10 pounds? What do I weigh currently? No, we add you add 85 pounds of your weight and you would be what it's 46 Yeah, your asshole absorbs weight, it's like a black hole. Yeah, dude, that's Yeah, yeah, well, it's actually hard because his asshole is constantly making a sucking motion So when he does do a pull-up his asshole is sucking him closer to the ground earth. Yeah, so it's it's harder. It's harder Yeah, I forgot to thank you. Thanks for appreciating that you're Thank you for giving me props. Your asshole that loves sucking is it's like an octopus is Is this is I'm lost track of what we talked about because we stopped and started so many times

Yeah, James Cameron times James Cameron fucking an octopus. I think that was in our last In the in the one that's in the lost episode. No, no, the one okay Damn, I'm so damn powerful when I max out this weight vest Are you gonna wear that around you're gonna wear that on the subway and stuff? That's bad for your joints to walk around like yeah I just wear it for the yeah, I'm gonna walk around and but maybe you're I'll get like really bad. No, just do squats. You look like like a Delta Delta force No, you just do squats for that shit. Are you gonna be able to sit up from the position you're in right now? So I'm actually mobilized

That's like a little effort. Yeah, I'm still I with this on I still weigh less than stop does Yeah, but you know what you got how many pounds on right now 85 85 How much two way right now? I weigh like 157 Okay. Yeah, you do weigh less than me. Yeah. Well, that's why I stay fat. It's not it's for my health Yeah, I get stronger. Oh, you do it like you're always wearing a weight vest. You only do it to do pull-ups I do it grocery store having sex Taking a shit. I'm always fat. Yeah, so I could lose weight

Like that, but I choose not to to maintain Strength and alpha. Yeah, alpha dumb. Can you do one pull-up? I cannot but that's because Because the rest of my body is too strong We should see how much how much I need to add before I'm stopped weight and then see if I can do one And then we put the when we put it on Adam and see if I See that I can do can we your Adam has to walk up the stairs at stop weight. Yeah, live Yeah, live in my focus. So I'm like 142 So we would add a hundred and twenty pounds. Yeah, a hundred

150 All right, let's go 120. I'll go 120. Yeah, I'll give you that five extra. I say 110 I'll be I'll be okay. You give me 110. Yeah, I could take the stairs. Yeah, I can take the stairs All right. Well now it's now. It's a hundred and yeah, you lost about half a pound on that That's diary it out that ass trombone That you just Was that fucking satchmo coming out of your ass and I suck on my And I think to myself until I turn what a beautiful day

The way you suck my dick The way you drink my pee The way you eat my Oh No, you can't take that away Yeah, you guys could never you know live in my shoes, dude. Yeah, it's a tough life All this extra weight, but morbidly obese regular obese. We've covered this. I'm not morbidly obese I am the regular kind of obese

But I have very powerful a lot of very powerful lower body as a result and when I do decide Mm-hmm to shed the pounds, which will be any day now I Will have the largest most luxurious legs and quads and fucking hamstrings. You've ever seen in your life You would look so fucking weird if you lost weight, dude We could do you know what we could do is I would look good as shit You know like a couple episodes ago when you were describing your Thanksgiving meal with your family for yes for like it took like six minutes It took like six minutes to get through all the which by the way should took me into vegetarianism

We could do like maybe like we could cut that with like you Wearing like a woman like an older woman's costume, maybe a grandma costume, but you could do a whole clumps thing Oh, yeah, your family. I would love to that would be nice, right? He's hercules. Yeah, you could play your mom. You could play your grandma or your old-degree grandma. My racist uncle Your racist uncle. It's not me. It's a character. It's a character. Yeah, I don't understand You know, they have the bodies. They have this gorilla body Why do we let them in the same schools, you know, that's my racist uncle Pondely, what's his name? Pondely

Pandely and the Lee he's named after Peter Pan. Yeah. Yeah, but the Lee's a Greek name I don't know pan. He's named after pan. He's named a goat legs guy with the flute. Yeah, that's pretty cool You should go as that guy for Halloween next year. Yeah, it's just very regular. Oh pan the goat guy Yeah, that's actually not a bad idea. Yeah shirtless. Yeah sureless hoof feet and he's also horny He's horny as shit super horny now we're talking. That's that's right up your alley, but those guys fucked That's that was Hercules his mentor in Hercules the animated movie Pam was one of those guys a half goat guy and in reality, he would have been fucking and suckin left and right Mm-hmm. I'm sure they sucked each other off, too

Nick your thoughts. Oh, I don't know You're not a big mythology. I don't think pan was Greek. I thought it was the I Thought it was from like chronicles and Arnie or some shit crossover by the way that guy that did pans labyrinth Which is named Gary not Guillermo del Toro. Yeah, is it? Yeah, Guillermo del Toro. He's got a new fucking gay. I'll Want to suck a cock and then he talk Sure, yeah, why not cuz del Toro right? That means of bull and yeah, I want to suck a bull's cock. I'm

Guillermo He's got a new movie where this thing's like compressing my System I don't think you seem like you're in distress, bro. I am I'm falling asleep. I'm like choking myself out with this 85-pound weight vest on I had to put your fucking phone away. What are you doing? I just had it. I had an eBay bid I had to play. What was it? What was it? He's buying? I'm buying anti coins in Huh? I'm buying. Oh, you're buying you're buying someone's jokes. No, I'm buying it. Bips. Bips. You're buying bathing apes

Yeah, bathing apes sneakers What kind? The babes does I'm in the mood for a new tracksuit myself. Oh, dude. I almost bought one last night. I mean never mind. I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I want to buy Yeah, I'm trying to buy Let's talk about it. It was a Adidas like made in Japan. I took a picture of it. I almost sent it to you guys Okay, well that doesn't do anything on a pot. I'll read it. I'll read it right now describe it It looked like navy blue and orange which sounds weird. Oh, I saw that that you know that one The Deedis originals made in Japan. Oh, this joint this one. Oh, actually, that's not that good

No, it looks like a Star Trek outfit. Yeah, it's where it does look like my man over here trying to look like Captain Aspicar My man trying to but you're Deanna Troy. That's who you are on the show Adam. Oh, no, no I'm not one of the big titties the Greek woman. Yeah, I used to think she was one of the hottest Because she looked like you no, she was your role model my hair was never that luscious and I'm like that's a that's me A big breast. I was like Riker and Old media growing up. That is gonna be me when I grow up

Don't try to laugh at it bitch don't try to include yourself in our own of you Good one guys. Thanks. Thanks, bro. Shut up. Shut up, bitch. Oh, that's right. I am a white you shot Those guys are the best Keep going fellas. Everyone get me in does that you did that with with Lewis. Well, he has no like Lewis through the car through coffee. That's right, bitch. Bring me my coffee I thought that was just through the coffee on the ground. I felt so bad for Ian the other night because he told me how his dad died and I was just laughing in his face Well, his dad got smashed by a train but like not hit by a train he got smashed

What do you mean underneath? No, the train was like suspended from a crane and it like Like Looney Tunes like a Fucking yeah, you got fucking wow splat right in the last son a sound he did before he died It was just like as an accordion back and forth. Yeah Well, I was just laughing imagine, you know the guys from the train company having to go to you know young Ian being like I'm sorry your father was smashed He's like he got That's why Ian's trying to get fucked to death is because he thought that he could live up to you know

There's expectations, which is the only way we can cut now is if three guys are running a train I felt bad though. I was trying to laugh at him. He was clearly sad. He goes like goes Yeah, he's like, yeah, you know, I mean, you don't you really don't accept it or whatever. He's like What are you asking him for the charger? He's like, yeah, you know, yeah, but just I've seen homeless people and think they were him be like, you know, you really don't give up Oh God, don't tell me that. Yeah, I'm trying to laugh at you Humanize this right. Don't make the greatest tragedy of your life That is clearly shaped the rest of my life exactly like how fucking

Well, the greatest tragedy of his life was honestly him and his friend Jackie each other off. Let's be let's be really here No, that was that was all no, I'm just kidding That's really sad and what we saying Nick um Well, I don't know. I'm having trouble thinking Hundred-pound vest on you and you're you're so exhausted from your flawless Victory and over the post office. Yeah, that's the real triumph. I don't give a shit about the pull-ups They are one you beat you beat the the mailman

Why do you take a picture on my truck? I'm like because I'm allowed to and he's like this is federal government property I'm like, yeah, that means I'm allowed to take a picture of it I also schooled his ass. Yeah, take that papi. Yeah, you're out in a public street You have no expectation of privacy. Yep, you're and your celebrity as a mailman. You're a public You're getting I thought you were Corey Feldman Try and prosecute that shit motherfucker. You're getting a ton of pussy all around town. Yeah Yeah, man, if I was a mailman, I would fuck a lot. I would fuck every woman on the round to be like knock knock knock Yeah, special. I got your milk right here the milk you ordered

Actually, I used to work at a grocery store with this old Bolivian guy that would fuck women in like what generator room Yeah, he just he was like a fucking like in his early 40s this short like disgusting Bolivian guy Oh, yeah, dude that he was like, yeah, I fuck all you women He went up he was like, oh, he told me one time. He's like I went over this woman. I was like, oh, you like milk Yeah, what about Charlie milk? You know what I'm saying and then she came in her back True, that's I mean, that's what he said. Yeah, it's really not true. There's this other guy Kevin another old guy that worked there I'm like, is that shit that Henry says true? He's like, yeah He's like one time he had this woman in the back and he came out and he got me and he was like, do you want to come fuck?

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, this isn't like he's not like bringing his like side bitches Strangers picking up a can of garbanzo You know what I could get wrong by some fat five to Guatemala. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you like beans He's a Bolivia. He wasn't fat, but you know, okay. Was he sexy? No. No. No No, no, he was like a dailies the guy who works at a grove. He's a 55 year old man that was just a Bolivian poo Yeah, he's had such incredible skills. Yeah, no And I remember I went up to the manager one time this guy Ricky and I had to ask him about something and there's this woman talking to him She's like seriously that is not okay Ricky's like, yeah, I understand we will discuss this with him and

And then he's like fucking I don't know what she He's talking about the woman finally leaves and I'm like that about Henry. He's like man Henry fucking that dude He's like he's got a cool it man. He can't keep trying to fuck all these customers Yeah, that shit was hilarious you think it's like a boom hour situation like he just throws it out Yeah, he's got like he's got a sink like like one out of every 200 threes You know, that's kind of I mean, that's like the that's it was the James Tobak thing That's the getting like a rape a thousand women a hundred of them believe it consensual It was his quote his famous quote that Alec Baldwin. Yeah, I used to have on his desk

In the show 30, right? Yeah No one ever hear what James Tobak had to say about fucking Yo, that is insane that guy was fucking Oh, yeah, he's your hero isn't he stop. He is I want to be that guy I'm gonna get a grocery store job and ask every woman I see meekly to have sex with me And they will all say no. Do you want to call me into the back also like you me the machine room It's like this room that like generates electricity and shit. It's like a good danger. It's just loud fucking. Yeah Yeah, it's like yeah, it's dangling. Yeah, it's scary. It's a scary one, Cobb.

It's another kind of place like a middle-aged woman want to get fucked, but I guess hey You know that is fucking insane opportunity to cheat on your husband with Like I mean who who will ever suspect that that right? There's no that is that will never come back on you Yeah, if you want some strange little dick And he probably didn't have a big dick. He's a short guy, right? 5-2 you said Adam said that yeah, I think you said You called him 5-2. I don't know but yeah, he probably wasn't actually he's probably like 5-5 or so He's a real ass dude of the week

Damn dude, I that is my hero fuck Have you ever fucked in a place of business Adam? Um, I I'm trying to think I'm a jack-off in my old all my old jobs, but never had sex. Yeah, do you guys ever jack off at school? No, yeah, I used to do that in high school on the bathroom Yeah, and the bathroom think so like when my hormones were just that crazy. I remember one time I was sitting in class you couldn't get when you're that I'm sitting in science class in this other Kid who sat next to me and he came in and he looked like a ghost and he had just gone to the bathroom Yeah, I was like, what's up? He's like dude

I just went to the bathroom and there was a retarded kid in there washing his balls And I like you know that as soon as he said that there was like the dust cloud outline of me and I was like But I didn't see it Yeah, I didn't see it damn Yeah Fuck oh my god. It's just so funny that it's like The retard kid thought that was part of the process And then you wash your balls

Well, he probably got a little piss on his balls Yeah, and it's like well There's only one thing that the only one way to rectify this well when you're retarded your whole life is going to the bathroom You know I'm saying they fucking straight up love going to the bathroom they get into it They pull their pants all the way down classic all the way down. I'm all the way down. I'm retarded I'm pulling my pants all the way down. Yeah, I'm pissing retarded. I Saw this fucking junkie on the train like singing that all the way We like he had a horrific like scoliosis

And then like a pencil strapped beard and like, you know, you can tell his body was just awful But like a nine XLT. Yeah He's like, oh You know, I'm fucking just falling into people Shout out to fat Joe somehow making a resurgence. Yeah, yeah, yeah for him and Remi ma They're on everything. He didn't get clay by the heart disease. Remember lean back. Of course, dude lean back. What a fucking hit Poor poor big pun, dude. He was fat as shit. Yeah, he was about your person. No, he was not Yes, he was that was funny when you posted that pic with Jamel and someone replied with that. That was not funny

Cyberbullying What happened so much reply with that pic of fat Joe and big pun at the VMA Suicide like a wedding I looked very handsome and I looked and we were being cyber supposed to that pic where big pun is literally 800 pounds Yeah, and I think he was like five three or something. He was not a very tall guy He fucked though despite his head. He had Stav's exact stats No way, dude, I strong as shit I was like big fun big fun was really was was doing big things like during the for the fact

Dude, he was a hero when jean shorts. He was it was a very heavy jean shorts era and then like you'd see those videos Where they go back to Puerto Rico and be on the beach and like he just being these like jean shorts Well, you know, he didn't grow up fat either. He just he got that fat in like a four-year time frame Did he man? That must be such a picture to him from when he was like 20. Oh, yeah Like in like Adidas tracksuits like sort of he was like normal size. Oh, yeah, I've seen that I've seen that picture too. He looks like kind of a goon. Yeah Um, dude, imagine how good that four years was just eating all the pastries. I don't know if it was that good Cinnamon buns and shit fried chicken for every meal. I'm about to throw up from this fast

Pushing down It is really funny your podcast It makes you a better podcast I've got a resistance training Yeah, dude, and I've got a one of those balls that makes your pussy tighter. You squeeze it or whatever. I got one of those in my ass To make my ass tight stop looking at your phone motherfucker. It's just this sorry fuck your vape shoes Yeah, he's looking at his fucking notifications. This boy is notification obsessed. You can't wait to see what all of his Adoring fans have to say about his latest stupid fucking picture

Which is a picture of you. Yeah, that's why I was not looking at the notifications. Tell us what you guys were saying People are saying you guys look good. Yeah, we do look good, but I was not checking that Who's trying to get who's trying to go on a date with a man in a gray champion sweatsuits The comp the people that leave compliments on Instagram are fucking weird. It's weird. Yeah, I'd rather have an insult I'm looking to be owned. Yeah, that's the only reason we're in business. Of course, dude That's a bread and butter. It's a toilet spin around a negativity. What are you doing? Do you want to pull up hair out of my pimp? That's how you express fandom of something is by destroying the person you're a fan of life. Yeah Yeah, that's what I it's like when people tried to get child protective services to take away Lewis's kid

The greatest bit you could do that is actually a great bit. Yeah No, dude being a radio man fucking rules. Oh, yeah live by the sword die by the sword. Absolutely That's why I wear a weight vest everywhere I go. Mm-hmm So I know what one day you'll take all my money away, but you know what I'll take away this vest and I'll be free You'll be so fucking like I'm a genie in a bottle, baby. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you gotta suck me the right way What was that about making her come? Yeah You got to rub my clit the proper way. It sounds like a good song for tweens. Oh, yeah Girls were fucking like thongs and shit that would show. Yeah, that was middle school was snapping girls thongs

Yeah, it's like the game tails everyone. I never did that I was respectful of women dude I would go I guess you did I would go from class to class and be like yo I just want to say right now. I'm a feminist and I got so much pussy The girls would be like let me get that sweatsuit off Come over here bowl haircut. I hope the house keys around your neck. Don't get in the way of me sucking your day You know he's coming because he stops quoting the Simpsons for two seconds Fuck yeah, dude, my pride and joy was an alien sweatsuit ahead. Yeah, it was like it. Take me to your deal

Green no, it was it was wholesome, but he but he looked that way that aliens take me to your pussy. Yeah, cool. Yeah, I Am from the planet. Yeah big ass hard-ass dick. Is your sister still handicapped at him? She she came over the other night yourself up. What happened her knee? Yeah fucked up I don't know. She's like she's feeling like a disabled person. Yeah, but like two days later You have to kill up and literally couldn't stand on her like we I went to the doctor fuck Yeah, do you think you have to put her out? We haven't there's just a horse with the north they break their legs Yeah, I mean, it's pretty pathetic that we didn't get her married before she busted the wheel

Yeah, now she's pretty much useless. How's she gonna cook and clean with that? I have no idea That's what I expected my wife to cook and clean her way through every disability, especially her mental That was my parents one criticism of my girlfriend when they met her She knows how to read that she does that she doesn't cook and clean They they noticed she doesn't cook and when would she had done that visit? I think she did say that she doesn't cook to my parents I'm like, well, they're like, we just want to make sure you don't become your dad Adam. Maybe she thought they meant like math Yeah, yeah, no cooking up that the crack rock definition of cook

But your dad thought she sucked dick. Okay. I think my dad was attracted Adam Prima noctis son Yeah, somebody's been watching Braveheart. Yeah, bro. I remember Prima noctis. Yeah. Yeah, there's no Even back then that's like crazy fucked up Yeah, you fuck anyone could just fuck your wife on the wedding night I mean, I guess you could do that probably if you're a lord you could do whatever you wanted But yeah, I wish I was in Earl or Duke or the yeah, you know, if you were landed gentry

Yeah, yeah, you had serfs living on your property. How about pussy the gentry? That's the British pimp Hello hoes yes Wide open for a real one. I own all the all the slags and these pussies Each and every one or I'll take I'll take notice of and I'll put in my pocket. It's it. All right. All right Let me see that little fat pussy cheerio governor There's a money's Britain. No British person says governor. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's like all of our impressions govna. Everyone always does wait Chris told us he was moving

We're just oh, yeah, we just rush this gas All right, let's win. I'm off I'll see you later. Oh, yeah, our British friend got kicked out of America. Yeah shots of Chris Milner He got a raw deal from the the Fed green card Service or whatever. Well, you know, maybe you shouldn't be a criminal man Yeah, that's what you want to talk about. How hard it is to be a minority in comedy. Try being a British man. Yeah That's the hardest. That's the hardest. Yeah, you bomb a couple of my soul kick your ass right out You know your podcast doesn't pop off you get the boot

You don't want to know what John Oliver had to do govna Oh, yeah, John Oliver had to suck so much dick to stay in the John Oliver is HIV positive now from Getting a career You know not not by sin the the traditional way By the by the punishment gay cancer by the holy pursuit of Monetary games. Yep, which is smiled upon by the Bible and God John Oliver just roasted Dustin Hoffman in public did he yeah

He was like his real name is Hoffman Behind it all they control the whole media Yeah, make Dustin Hoffberg again About the sexual allegations Oh, yeah, and then people are now posting and saying this this is how men have to act in public right right right They have to call out anyone's sexual allegations even well then we couldn't be friends with you Adam if that was the case Yeah, listen, I'm the only one that doesn't have allegations out of the three of us. No, no chance. Yes. That's that's true Who are mine and Nick's allegations Nick's allegation? I don't even want to get into that because it's an open pending case

Uh-huh your allegations You use You saw a woman walk on to the train and you just started barking at her. Mm-hmm. That's true. I Make no bouts. You did a wolf with her Donkey hungry for pussy And I started sniffing her pussy You're like, yeah, but actually touch her. That's what you can't sniff a pussy. That's what courting is that's

Start making that I court women with a series of air horns That's right. That's the kind of bitch. I like is a woman that responds to frequencies, you know You know, she's out on the town Mentally, she's looking sexy, you know, all of a sudden You know, she's like, what's that? Yeah, and then she looks over her pants. Yeah, they're completely filled shit And so she's vulnerable you get her vulnerable by duking her pants by playing brown sound in her ear I like that. I was being serious. Now you've turned this into some cruel joke about the mentally It's not like

I'm saying that there's a sound that makes people well man. Come on, dude Dude, this show like we have to work so hard to fend off this criticism that we're not socialists Oh, you know the leading voice of the left. Yes, and then you go and make some crass joke about Retards You said it right now you make fun of them fucking absolute Water-headed fucking idiots. These are not my words It's fucked up that you say all those things you discredit the hard work

We do as activists. Mm-hmm. I'm wearing an 85 pound vest. You know Yeah, so I know what it feels like to have a black man's bone density So I'm trying to live the life of a fat colored individual I mean it's like running through his coursing through his black legs me and you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna leave here, and I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go do crowd work tonight instead of actual material He's gonna be 17 minutes late for his spot. I'm gonna blow the light completely pretend like I didn't see it Because I was too busy laughing at my own

So I can know that pain suffering and be and and solidify myself is what's it like to sit on release emo of the DSA once and for all Make a lot of logic. They're trying to there's a coup happening in the DSA. They're trying to come for you Dude trying to come for me, but your presidency look dude. I invented socialism. Uh-huh. So true. You will never come for me I heard Brandon Wardell. Oh, is Brandon Wardell stealing of it now? I think he did like a couple months ago. Are you serious? Yeah, I invented socialism. That's incredible That's wild. Maybe he will do a pedophile special on his podcast now Hopefully he'll do like a frantic three episodes in a row where it's all about pedophilia. Oh

Yeah, you know he will we got five minutes Beautiful I got five inches for you pal. Oh, man. I feel awful From this weight vest weighing down on your stomach and crushing my body. Yeah, it doesn't look very comfortable Yeah, I will all the way pretty badass all the weights in the front. Is it? Yeah Kind of like my oh, so you can get up my dick. I didn't feel the back. It's just the head I got a load something in the back to balance it out. I can load something. Oh, that's why you're always falling forward So my dick is your dick is so heavy and hard just the top is heavy The head the middle is not a helmet. He doesn't have a helmet dude. He's got a beanie

I do. He's got a sock sock. Yeah, your dick does look like Sam Hyde. Yeah Yeah, I think that's a joke. Swollen Yeah, I've covered an acne Fucked up pube hair broken glasses glasses. It's racist It's very funny though. It is very funny. Very funny fucking dick Who has been unfairly attacked. Let's just say Hollywood isn't ready for your dick. Yeah. I Hate this fucking world. I hate the world where anybody gives a shit what Sam Hyde's political opinions are and they can't just

let the guy be funny yeah that's a good it was a funny a show yeah but it wasn't even better show Charles in charge yeah and I didn't like the comedy but it was going on backstage I love I love I love the chemistry that the adult actors obviously had with the children a really good chemistry suck my dick Charles in charge was Scott it's called Charles in Chad and it was about a man inside of a young boy what was it about a rich guy that adopted kids no that was a different scott bay it was like no it's a guy that has to kind of like two and a half man or something it's like who's the boss yeah who's the boss might be one of the

worst TV shows ever made that was that what's his name Tony Donnie Danny Montana and Antonio Dunn's who staffs who does a works on San Gennaro festival every year you go down there you get a big peek-a-boo right at Tony Danza's big old mug oh wow but the thing about him is he looks like every other day go yeah well I saw Tony Danza at the pizza shop and fucking two blocks from here yeah and then I also saw him at his bar I'll be your Tony Danza Danza for money do what you want me to do I'll be your Tony Danza suck off your penis with meatballs on both well what

are we doing we're getting some food arena after this yeah let's get food dude I'm starving I feel like we should have a riff or something okay I want to do you do a rape joke debate between a woman who doesn't like rape jokes and then a guy named Pierre from France who's a rapist who's trying to rape her the whole time actual rapist actual rapist did we were we gonna my name is Pierre Pussy getting lefty rape actually I don't think there is anything funny about rap jokes we do not have it's more of a way of life for me right you should not be able to make rap jokes if you do not rape yeah it's like only black

men are allowed to say Nigerian they're because they do that makes because they act like that so that's why they can say it but for me as a rapist I feel only me should be able to do it yeah beat that Lindy were we gonna do a sketch oh yeah we're stop is dressed up as lindy and you know one of the first funny mom yeah yeah that's back that was our buddy see yeah back when I was like I just drove here very drunk and I have the best idea yeah yeah that was gonna be so funny so I was gonna eat a bunch of cheese yeah you're gonna get like 40 cheese burgers yeah I love punching down Lindy she's a New York Times op-ed

columnist yeah this is rich yet she's she's up are you rich if you're not all the way did they make probably somewhere around $40,000 an article what what I mean of course not how much does that guy that Tom freed me he probably makes a lot of oh yeah he makes a lot of money what are some other schemes we can do to get rich start a podcast yeah you don't think we're already yeah I mean the two biggest scams in the fucking world is patreon podcast and then voiceover commercial actor let's I'm in both of those markets regular commercial actor well nope they fans took that away from me so that's because they're good fans

dude I ruined I saw my agent and she would not make eye contact with me are you are you fired I know I'm not fine but I don't fire you they just don't give you any worse and yeah I haven't been sent out on anything in a while it could be because like the holidays died down but yeah I'm assuming that that shit fucking that they are mad I didn't do anything fucking wrong man no I know but they're fucking animal I just don't care about what's right or wrong that's true they care about money the green hey me too baby the bottom line you know about that money I say baby and I make money yeah I'm a rich man now I have to

say baby that's right baby let me see you baby you want to drive a car baby I got a car you can drive right here why don't you come into my trailer baby yeah it's Kevin Spacey I'm trying to work on a Kevin Spacey impression you know you did it all right the other day by sucking off children and maybe there's some you know you want to get in my ass baby you want to come in my ass you want to be a star baby or what yeah in the context I would know you're doing Spacey yeah but I don't know this but is he the kind of guy that you just what is it about well yeah yes everybody can the thing is nobody thinks somebody can

do an impression of somebody until somebody breaks the impression right right and then once the impression is broken then everybody can do it everyone just a template if you're the first guy to do a guy yeah then you're that's that that's the sign of a good sort of like that guy did Trump and did the China joke and then everyone else like SNL yes I know yeah everybody stole that yeah yeah shit well now he's shine not people have been doing Donald Trump impressions I thought I almost had Michael Shannon one time yeah a long road trip and I was doing Michael Shannon I felt like I was nailing it but

there was no one there to witness it any time I try to do it since people like that doesn't sound like him Molly Shannon huh no we see a super star Michael Shannon smelling armpits you break into like a fucking a table or something I'm a weird man I'm a weird-looking man I have a fish face and people consider me a serious actor that's good I don't know what he sounds like he sounds like the man that used to fuck your mom every day yes no you almost were going into a Cosby there for a second no it's similar it's because what you'd have to understand is there's only two impressions you see is you go from one to the other I

do as doing Christopher Lloyd the other day oh yes yes that was good yeah what was it where we're going yeah money what we're going we won't need condoms because everyone has AIDS if everyone has it it's like no we just go and fuck without condoms and go back in time and then we won't have AIDS anymore and they're both in the hospice like I did the math wrong fuck yeah dude I guess that's a good riff that's gonna have to do it all right one more time the last funny mom's of the year is this Monday in New York the last New York funny mom's of the year is is the 11th this Monday yes and then the

22nd in DC and I just want to say thanks to all the comeboys that came out to fucking hilarities she has to hilarious by the way a great fucking club thank you everyone came out in Cleveland and yeah coming to the live show doing more touring a seven this upcoming year we're getting it all together we are gonna tour baby boys and girls so look you up for that also I got a little hot animation that's I'm never gonna finish oh yeah and and the web series thing it's not our fault is delayed but coming I think we'll do yet I think it's job at and blaming it on somebody else why would you say that it's all my fault it is

all my fault really should the animal I spilled water on the shit's coming relax man all right we'll probably debut at the live show actually damn dude I really want some clam chow it'll be a Christmas present I don't want to clam I gotta get I'm gonna get you ever had clam chow to call L ramen let's get ramen yeah all right bye guys