The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 83 – Petey Dat Boi Part DeTwo

Episode Date: December 28, 2017

Uptown cum boy petey deabreu fills in for stavros who got stuck in the fort mchenry tunnel after eating too much baklava

I Stav is gone Stav is in Baltimore with his beautiful family His gorgeous fucking sexy ass mom dude. Oh my god. We saw her the other day. Sorry. We had sex with her We fucked Stav's mom. It was like weird. Yeah. Yeah, I mean I didn't want to but she was like, you know, please Yeah, she was like come over here. My bitch. That's the only fucking word. She knows in English. Yeah, my bitch

Yeah, she's like she goes She goes my pussy might not be that good, but it's a breakfast Avocados if you're nasty She was like she saw me and she was like whoo the ways Disappoint him sexually You know, I'm trying to go to a pumpkin patch, you know, yeah, that's true. I'm trying to I'm trying to I can't remember it was pretty cute that like when we we well We're talking about we dropped Stav off on the way back to New York after DC after the show

Shouts everyone that came to the show. We're very sorry that the sound person fucked up the board recording Yeah, this is not actually an excuse that we're making. Yeah. No, it's a legitimately This was someone else's fault this time and it really sucks because it was a really great show. It's a great show And we had a video recording that we were gonna sync up with the sound apparently the sound for the video Isn't any good to use either But maybe we're gonna try to cut it into clips and put it on patreon for you guys If that's possible. Yeah, we'll figure it out. Also. I just put the real-ass dude podcast I was on this week with me and Tim Dillon. Wow and Lewis

Gay Gomez wow the three queers the comedy the three gay is what? Ww fun character Lewis gay Gomez, he's like, what's up, dude? You want to come back to my place? Yeah, no, I got fidget spinners you can show them in my ass Yeah Fidget spinner butt plugs. Yeah Have you seen those what is real? Yeah, bro. It's been a bubble. Yeah, damn. I'm sure Yeah, so our filling in for stop we got PD the boy The bro here. Yo, you know that boy. What's good? Yeah, it's good to have you back, dude. Great to have you back

Yeah, you guys your fans are Different bro like this. Yeah, range Spectrum Redneck type of dudes and I met like collegiate motherfuckers It's a big tank ten yeah Yeah, um, yeah, what's good to have you back? How Stav's mom look Like Stav, you know Stav a little bit more hair, you know, he's got like kind of Asiatic eyes. I'd say yeah

Yeah, a little bit of a pair Stav's gonna be mad that we discussed his mom But she apologized to him when we got home It's so clear that like Stav is like her angel beautiful boy. She apologized to him because she's like Stavaros I'm so sorry that I have not been cooking for yours for your arrival Like I've been cleaning all day and I'm very sorry. You don't have hot food for your arrival And yeah, and like literally there was a stack and I'm not exaggerating of 500 cookies. Yeah, like mad cookies I guess she was making for Christmas. It was like enough. It was like it was like she makes all the shit for every Starbucks in Manhattan

That's crazy. There was a truck that was gonna pull up and load up. Did you have any of them? No Now I had a cold so I was like I don't want to take anything that's got sugar in it Yeah, I had I had some of the cookies also. I just don't fuck with sweets. You know, I'm not a big sweet No, you're right Amber. I do fuck with sweets, but I have but that's what I'm like off the rails You know what I mean? Yeah, I'm trying to if I'm if I'm like you just even like any semblance of a diet I'm not that's like the one thing. I'm not gonna do I went out to the diner last night with Ian and some other folks and everybody got milkshakes and I had I had sweet potato fries Okay, you know not bad. That's healthy. It's not him in the Hollandaise sauce. Yeah, nice healthy meal

Yeah, nice sweet potato fries Milkshakes, bro milkshakes dude. I can't say I really ever indulge in the milkshake. Yeah, I know it's fucking it's decadent Dude, you got to be a real piece of shit Fucking vibe and when I started metal cup next to it with more milkshake Yeah, yeah when I when I started comedy when my first friends in comedy was this guy was 10 years older than me So I was like 16 17 he was like 26 27, but I already fat and bald and they had to like move back in with his parents He's a fucking loser. I mean, I was friends with him, but you know Objectively the guys like life sucked and we went out to one diet. We like got real high either before after a show

We went up some diner and You like I look over and you got a milkshake and he's like Man fuck this. I'm just like 30 years old. I'm fucking drinking ice cream Which is what a milkshake is you just drink an ice cream a lot of people don't consider that and that's why I've never been able to order a milkshake since then because Now I always think of it as drinking ice cream It's really impressive to me that Starbucks has been able to market like milkshakes for breakfast to people like very Successfully, yeah, people get some what did I call Starbucks Starbucks has great. Yeah, Starbucks has great breakfast sandwiches

Yeah, the Gouda bacon one. I want to actually pitch a ad campaign to Starbucks. They're like look We know our coffee is kind of shitty But the breakfast What's that what do you get there at Starbucks? Sausage egg and cheese sandwich the sausage egg and cheese is good. Yeah bacon egg and cheese thing. Yeah, they got that But they make you it's like the good a cheddar and fucking yeah It's got a gay ass. Yeah. Yeah, they have to have to gay up the name So you're like, you know what I need more than just a breakfast sandwich

I'm gonna get a John legend CD Because of focus groups said that people are more likely to buy a John legend CD Yeah, man, there's always like a new Vanessa Carlton like that just dropped every time You know Vanessa Carlton is named after the siblings from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Exactly Yeah, yes, she was engineered by some record executives less successful than Jeffrey Tatiana Ali, which I don't know. Sorry

That I couldn't really riff that out. Go ahead I don't feel the need to be spiteful towards my friends. It was really like the Christmas Eve. It was so good Yeah, I'm really bummed. We can't like put it on patreon because it was like. Yeah, it was so cool I don't know how you know how to be honest with you. I don't know how good the show itself was It's just there were so many people that it was a good show. Yeah, it was so fun Yeah, it was fun for us. I got really drunk and kind of sassy. Yeah, the thing with the live shows is The couple of times I've done live shows is like it kind of a need to like either repeat things that we've said already Just because there's dead air we want to get a laugh or just straight up do stand-up bits like during the podcast

Which doing panel on yeah, yeah, which is like kind of a shitty move I'd say so I mean if you like the podcast the live show is Is like gonna be a little bit different, but and I don't know how it would sound just to upload I mean, I'm sure it'd be fine. Yeah, like overthinking it, but No, you got die-hards man. I want to hear you shit Special shout out to the guy that the entire show was just shouting African guy He wanted us to do the African guy bit real bad. Yeah, it was like a free bird Yeah, the last time you were here. We talked about Monty Carlos briefly you had a 1980 or a 79 78 78

But that's that that is that's the first year of the smaller platform, right? Yeah, it's like a three Something I don't remember. Yeah, three something. This is 77 down the block. Oh, I don't know if you saw it. Those are longer I think yeah, the 70 the 73 this we talked about this. I'm sure the 73 to 77 Monty Carlos They're like boats. They're fucking great. Those are badass cars. Yeah. Yeah, they got a caprice around my way Like a finally like the same year 78 to 80. Yeah, those are great old caprices we're the The headlights kind of have like a Like a they loop around a bit, you know, they kind of got like I can see where how the bubble the bubble caprices

I copied that styling later. It's kind of got like that chrome Well, some of them have like that fucking big-ass chrome cover. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I like a priestess, too To they got the two doors, you know what I like for that era the most is those like Botel Riviera's like the 70 like 73 Riviera's with the fucking nice glass the back. Yeah. Yeah. What's Botel Botel boat tail? Yeah, yeah, yeah, those are Those cars like we're made out of steel. They like weighed like 4,000 pounds. Yeah, I'm really heavy. They're like really big. Yeah

But I love the fucking way that the engine sits in there and then the front like the front of the actual car Yeah, there's so much room in the fucking engine. It's just like, you know, yeah, you can put like an 18-cylinder block in there Yeah, yeah, that's cool. Yeah, let's get into cars Me and Peter you're already in the car. You guys are no, I mean like acquiring Historic cars like a Seinfeld or One of those fucking the shits from Cobra remember the shit was sliced on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, what do you have like a mercury? Yeah, mercury. Yeah Yeah, those are cool. You know it has one of I think Jesse James has like a custom mercury

It's like yeah, those shits are nuts with the fucking chopped chopped a roof. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, uh-huh. Who's idea? Well, man, who the fuck's idea was like coming up four inches. Yeah. Yeah, my windows are too big. Yeah I'm gonna have Cobra's a great movie, dude. Yeah, I fucking love that shit Try to say my man was a rapist. You've seen that. Yeah, why she broke my heart, man I thought his brother on I believe it and it wasn't that he was a rapist is that he made the girl fuck his body guard He ran again. We call it a gangsta in the Bronx. Yeah a rapist. That's what they're not Gangsters were gangsters. No, no, no rapists. No, like so he was like his man was in the closet He's like, yeah, yeah, you ever let you ever let my man fuck and then it was like

Then he came out and then he comes up and fuck sir. Yeah, that's pretty cool. That's what me and Nick and stop Do yeah, we all share each other's women. Yeah Yeah You want to be a girl that listens to this show you better be ready to get sexed in by the crew It's true. Yeah, the bloods do that shit. Did you know every gang does every sex is women in you think there was some lonely dudes I was like, yeah, dude, we need to start a gang, bro And if we can get enough of us, yeah, well, I like the idea of a guy that's like he wants to join a gang But he doesn't want to get jumped in because he's a pussy. So he's like, how about you just sex me?

And then it's like it's like those movies It's like those movies where it's like Where we're like a chimp wants to play baseball and I can't play baseball and the umpire looks in the rule book He's like actually there's nothing in the rules. It says a chimp can't play baseball And they do that with like a guy getting Like actually according to the the Crip bylaws A man can be sexed into the Crips and then they all have to fuck him Cigarettes out in the shoulder

Yeah, man, that sounds that sounds pretty pretty cool Like that's a prank that you know those stupid pranks that they do and like does somebody punch them in the face Or like something crazy will happen like like they'll walk next to somebody and hold the stranger's hand or some shit Yeah, I'd like to see that like I'd like to see a dude. Just be like, yo, I'm ready. Yeah, you really get jumped in He's like, no wait Don't you guys can fuck me in that shit would be great, bro. Just to see how they react. Yeah, that would be That should be the next season of impractical They got to join a gang Saul has to suck off a

Fucking og Yo, yes, he has to yes to spell the Crip alphabet on the guy's asshole His tongue. Yeah, have you ever heard of a super head this chick that was like in the rap scene back in the 90s No, I gave the best so there was a dude Nancy Reagan Yeah, yeah, apparently she was the blowjob queen of Holly Yeah, oh you mean back in the day day. Yeah back in the day Nancy Reagan It's true Nancy Reagan sucked off the best dough gave the best fucking head. She was like known for sucking dick really well Yeah, yeah, why would he wife dad? He's a bitch. That's a finesse

Wow Ronald yeah, he was the second marriage I think right He probably got mopped off and left her for man's how big was he in like as a as a movie Was he a movie star or was he just in yeah, but he was in a movie where he was friends with a monkey, right? Yeah, he was he was in a movie where he slaps Yes Yeah to suck off a chimp. Yeah Consultant on the movie was that I said sounds like plenty of the apes to me Yeah, that's like kind of a bitch move though like

Marrying the woman that sucked off the rest of Hollywood, you know, that's kind of like I'm not it's progressive But only if you did it now only him it's a bitch move Those days it's kind of a bitch you have a date a girl that you know Fucked like a bunch of dudes that you like like you didn't know that You're like, I mean maybe not afterwards, but it's like, you know even before I like don't give a shit But you know what I heard a new fucking song that Raps on that promoted like I don't care if she was with somebody. Oh, yeah, I heard that was he vert Yeah, yeah, yeah, that shit made me feel good about myself. Yeah

The only reason you would care is like you're insecure about your own shit Yeah Right, and the comments are funnier than me and more successful. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah The song was like he's like proud if she we used to be there and he's like, I don't care I don't care. I just want to I want to kiss in the mouth. I was a good That's I think society said it in the right direction, but I do think that was a bitch move around right? It was a bitch move around wait, what did Irv Goddy do with super head? Oh, no, he was like how she used to always want to be in the video and he was like

Yo, get the fuck out of here get the fuck out of here and then one of his homies had told him that she stole some money from him They hooked up and she stole some money from yeah, and then he's like you I thought she kept coming around after he found that out And he was like you get the fuck out of here bitch She stole money from my dude and she's like yo Irv I'll do whatever and she was like yo you got suck He was like you got suck everybody's dick here and then she goes Well, where you want me to start? He's like I tried to think of the most outrageous fucking thing because it was like mad dudes there So he was like I tried to think of something that would make her be like get the fuck out of here

I'm done. Yeah, and like yo, she's like yo she was like yo she went over there and just started sucking mad dudes You know what's funny is like there was a was a porn star to try to set the record for like getting fucked in her ass by more People than anyone else and so they're like set up like a like a kissing booth But an ass fucking booth essentially and it was a couple years ago And like you know they make you just do like a quick AIDS test or whatever And then you only allowed to fuck her for like 30 seconds or maybe like 10 seconds in the next that's what the Guinness people demanded About to make it's like there's so much shit the Guinness Book of World Records will reject Yeah, you know, they're like I'm gonna I'm gonna be the guy that

Fucking eats the most pennies and they're like that's not a real record And then this woman's like I'm gonna fucking set up a toll booth in front of my pussy ass And just run a fucking easy pass right through right through my body and then you know the Maximum number of customers will be my record and they're like good show accent top top Video tape it for proof. Yeah, what made Guinness get into that game the beer company I want to like call them up. Just be like I think my son is the most retarded boy You got to see this fucking retard I got in my garage

Send somebody down here He drools all day. Yeah, he's got a garden hose in his ass and mouth He's fucking shit through it That was yeah, what's Guinness book was that fucking Guinness beer though? I think so. No, no was it? I don't think so. No, sir. I like Guinness. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yeah, it was Alec Guinness I think it was Guinness beer all that shit came about like in the Ringland Brother days, right? Yeah Yeah, like freak shows but PP Barnum had a fucking store in New York. I think like his oddity store. Yeah, and And

You know, you had like all these different exhibits and shit and one of the biggest pussy the one of them was One of them was the what is it? Yeah, which was literally a retarded black guy that they put Gorilla costume. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and he looked like a fucking like a yeah Yeah, yeah, like a microcephaly or whatever. He was a fucking pinhead, but They just put him in a gorilla costume. Jesus Christ. What? I have these are the current terms for them. I'm not yeah, no, I'm not reacting to you Yeah, yeah, yeah, the what is the what is it, you know, like they didn't even bother Coming up with the story. They're like, this is fucked up

What were they thinking? Mutimate is for you to just come here. Yeah try to figure it out Yeah, right and so like you think like man people used to be fucked up that they thought that was like an animal But there's an account from this guy at George temple and strong. It was like a journalist. Oh, yeah This was in that Ken Burns documentary about about New York and fucking they have in that documentary They have an excerpt from him or he's like then exhibit called the what is it? You know, which they claim is some sort of inbred chimpanzee But it's clearly just an idiotic Negro door from

Oh, yeah, nobody fell for that. They all knew This is just a retarded person Idiotic Negro dwarf from one of the Carolinas That's like pizza face dude on the train he would have told he made a living back then Yeah, he wouldn't have been begging for money There's like a do you see the dude his whole fucking face is melted off. No When I used to come to New York when I was a kid acid or something like that You would see you'd see yeah guys that blew themselves up in meth accidents

That's the coolest that I think of being in New York as a kid. You just see fucking homies smell shit See shit. That sounds cool. Yeah, that sounds like good for children because then you go back to life like I don't fucking care Yeah, see the fucking dude with no face. I told the story before but the most New York shit I saw was on Canal Street. It was a Chinese woman with her like four-year-old Chinese son Broad daylight 11 a.m. Like a Wednesday and his pants were pulled down and she was holding his dick and Helping him piss all over the sidewalk She was holding his dick for him and he was using his hands to lift his shirt up And it was like, what was she like bent bent down? Yeah, she was like crouching and holding his penis

How big was a baby Chinese kids dick like I mean huge Chinese people they got Benjamin Button Dicks Yeah, you guys said to grown Chinese man's penis is very small. That's because they age in reverse Final stage We got dinner last night and we saw some shit that was just like we couldn't even laugh at Because it was just like it was like all right. This is too much But it was like a hipster Japanese guy like with a ponytail wearing a yamaka and see see it was like and see see like the

Strings, you know like the that orthodox Jewish people Fucking two-hand Football yeah, yeah, yeah, so it's a Japanese guy dressing like a his seed. He's not acidic or whatever What if his mother well, he was with like another Japanese guy who's like my vibe is like the 70s Yeah, they all had like, you know, this is this is my this is like my way Yeah, I mean Japanese like people are the trendiest, you know They're most like fashion for like all the women there look like women that you could win in a drag race, you know Yeah, I don't have that look

And but this guy with the thing he was doing was so funny that You know, do it couldn't be funny. It was right. We were just looking at it. We're like, yeah And then he goes to leave and he puts a fedora on He takes a yamaka off and he puts on like a fedora with a feather. It brought multiple looks to the soup restaurant Yeah, man, he said I gotta I gotta have different styles throughout my Though you can't do that in Japan the fucking I mean, I think you can do that in Japan. Was it? Yeah, good. What is it? You gotta use it. How are you? No, I said I was saying to Adam there's one time I was in Montreal and I was in the French quarter

And I saw a woman walking a pig, you know, like it like you like you would like you would a dog And I was like, oh shit. I want to go see what's going on So I walk up and then she's like kneeing the fucking pig in its ass and like trying to push it And she's like, sorry, he's having a real hard time right now And I look down and the pigs dick is out and They do it and you know, it's funny retractable. It looks like their corkscrew it does Yeah, it looks it looks like a like somebody made a joke and they're like, what's the pigs dick? They're like scorpion from Moralcom. Yeah, they like they could like throw them out like catch bitches

I watched a video of a woman getting fucked by a pig when I was when I was younger and She had to wear a burlap sack on her bag Because the pig would chew the skin off her back if she didn't have the sack That's a Marv Albert shit. Yeah, they're the most like humans of any animal Gross corkscrew dick No pigs. It's like kind of fucked up. We eat them But people used to I remember back in the day things be like yo son, you can't fuck with pigs

You can don't eat pork cuz they don't sweat son. Yeah. Yeah. Well, but they like that Don't they like don't get diseases or some shit. They're super intelligent. Yeah, they're like their immune systems crazy, isn't it? I don't know about that. I buy all I know is it when you let one fuck a woman you got to put a burlap And that's that's the extent of my zoology knowledge and a fucking pig Beastiality you fuck with his son. You ever watched that just for shits and gigs. Yeah Well, I used to go to I used to go to e fucked all the time Oh, yeah me too. Yeah, he fucked was like porn bloopers. Yeah shit going wrong. Yeah. Yeah, like Disasters on anyway, so I'm in the French quarter in this pig

This woman's like pushing this pig trying to get it to leave and it's dick is out And she's like he's having a real hard time and the pig is coming out of its dick and then also shitting So it's a shitting and coming pig and she's in in like French Canada. It's too much and it's too much It's like this would be so funny to me if it like I mean, but it just seems like a fake joke So I couldn't even laugh at it. I'm like, what kind of lady was it? Just some crazy I don't fucking know any because the coming and shitting you can't remember. I don't yeah exactly I know no knowledge of I was here with my girlfriend at the time and I'm like, are you seeing this too much?

Yeah, but she's just kind of like like I know this is something you appreciate So well, she was just in the street like what was she just like walking down the fucking in the middle of the road girlfriend No, no the fucking shit. Oh the woman. Yeah. No, it's like the French quarter says a little park area where You know like French people that don't bathe practice circus tricks, you know bring their pig free shows You know anonymous. That's what so you're saying that's the Canadian hipster fucking Williamsburg. Yeah being French. Yeah Yeah, that's their version of you know, somebody that used to be punk You ever see someone with a cat on a leash. Yeah, yeah, I hate that Yeah

my dog is I Like I wanted to kill my dog a couple weeks ago because I I usually take her out with a muzzle because she could kill like she's a pit She was abused and stuff and whatever she's she can snap, you know, she's not she's very friendly You know, it's funny I was laughing the other day when people talk about how they rescued a pit bull. Yeah. Yeah, like I guess the implication there is like So from like black people. Yeah Part of like I just like thinking of how many black people I know if any of them have ever had a rescue pit

They don't think pride and like you are paid. Yeah. Yeah much for this right. Yeah. No, you only to me Well, you only rescue people like from black people. Yeah. Yeah, it's not like you're rescuing them from like the Vietnam war, you know iPhone factory the Michael Vic dog documentary. Yeah. Yeah, that that is the funniest thing that is so funny It's the funniest thing. It's it's like they send them to Arizona. It's like a spa for dogs They're like some organizations like sending them to like it's a documentary. It is legitimately only for white people Yeah, yeah, it's like it's about these brave white people that save these beautiful creatures from these heinous like yeah African monsters, you know, it's like anything you see these like retarded white families like with their like dog That's like so clearly fucked up from like whatever the shit Michael Vic was doing like in where was it in?

Virginia Beach or whatever. I remember a news story about somebody had a they got a pit bull and then they had an infant and they're like the Pit bull is fine around the infant and then they hear this like blood curdling fucking the screen Now they go in there and the pit bull is running around and the baby is being dragged behind it Like ass-to-ass and what had happened was is the pit bull Fuck the baby in the ass and then it's called a dog not but on a dog's dick at the base There's like a thick bulb that locks into Oh fuck the female dog's pussy and then the dog's dog's don't dogs don't really like nut at the end

They kind of just are constantly nutting while they're fucking or whatever nice So they get stuck in the pussy and then they just continue nutting and then that's why dogs get stuck together You know if you see dogs finish fucking and they're like stuck together So that happened to this couple's baby and the baby is just being dragged behind the pit bull by its ass because the dogs coming Yeah, yeah, and it's like yeah, I guess you You gotta watch out. Yeah, you gotta fucking Rescue your babies with the pit, but make it. I bet you they didn't warn you about that You know yoga and dog rescue cupcake shop that you got your fucking

You know, I don't know. I just yeah Why how my friend had a pit and he was like walking His pit and then some some dude on his block on green like not in bedside like closer to Bushwick, I guess and This dude was like, yeah, I just was breeding this dog at my grandma's house and like can have her She's just a puppy. I can't have my Nana house. I think he said I Don't know I wasn't there, but uh But yeah, so then he like he was like, yeah, we got to find her home for this dog in the next three days Otherwise, they're gonna take her away. I'll just do it like a year and a half. Yeah

They bred her they bred her in her first heat So like literally she got her first period there like all right time the time of nut in that put I'm gonna get some monster to like rape her as a child big as it isn't a bigger dog She's like kind of a little bit smaller for a pit She's really cool, but yeah, she's traumatized like out on the street. She's like traumatized anyway But like there was a street condom out Like I like took her out late at night condom I don't make her wear a muzzle and then there was a we just came up on a street condom

I don't use condoms and I don't understand who these responsible We gotta play it safe Pardon me, but I've thrown condoms out of the window before out of the out of a window Put them in the fucking that's a curveball or if you're fucking in your car You throw the condom out the window. You just leave it on the floor of your car Anyway, she got her she started chewing on it and I literally had to like I had to pry a bums a Bums condom out of my dog's mouth. I'm like, I'm gonna fucking kill this like I really that was like the least love I ever had for my dog. I'm gonna fucking kill this dog. This shit. You can't be saving them holes

That's like a really yeah, it's like you don't deserve a nice white life that I probably give her nice food I give her nice food from Costco. I treat her right. Yeah, I Saw an uptown girl. Yeah, exactly. I used to date this chick that People from home. She only gave her dog fucking a bottled water, dude. Oh, really that's fucked up What kind of dog was it? It was a fucking mutt, dude But like she treated this fucking dog like it was like, oh my god. Yeah, I think it'd be funny to like go broke Not have any money, but I still have like a macaw That's your last asset

Yeah, yeah, they are trying to take Benjamin I'll never let them take you Benjamin This emotionless bird staring back at me. No concept of who I am trying to guard You stay away from him. It's my beautiful blue macaw. He's my best friend Oh Yeah, that'd be that'd be kind of cool we can get into exotic birds this year My first girlfriend had a had a Senegalese parrot named Patty And that was actually the origin of African guy boys

She had a parrot like a yeah, Senate Senegal parrot and so like he didn't speak really But he was very surly because she had gone on vacation at some point. They're very smart animals. So yeah You go on vacation then they think you've abandoned it. You come back three weeks later the parrot's like I'm not fucking friends with you anymore. Yeah, and so it would just hate it everyone and Like, you know, you go up to its cage and it's scream at you and try and bite your fingers And so I would go up to the cage and I'd you know, put my finger in it and let you know They try to bite me and then I would do like a voice of him, but he was from Africa, you know So I'd be like get away from my cage

Get away from it Do not come to my cage Put your finger in Because if you do not bring me a cracker because I do not understand is that all I want in this world is a cracker and you do not bring it to me Yeah, birds live man long Give it away to some Mexican family. Oh fuck. I was like, you know, they turned him into like Momo Fungu or something

Yeah, either either either they hate him or somebody's abalita thinks he's Jesus Yo, she's afraid it. She's afraid of him and respects him at the same time There was that in bushwick like when I I lived in bush chicken factory that chicken live kill factory like in the middle of a Neighborhood rich or by was it? Yeah. Yeah, I'm like Myrtle and knickerbocker. No. Yeah, I know what they just have like a fucking slaughterhouse in the middle of like a fucking Oh, yeah, it's just like you and that like it smells like fucking shit from like all the chickens shitting everywhere and getting murdered by Mexicans. Yeah, it smells like Salmonella my last day and like I lived in bushwick in like 10 months And I was like I need to get the fuck out. I feel like I'm the only person that's not 22 years old here

Yes, and my last day. I'm like moving like on the subway I had like did three like suitcase shifts on the subway to my new spot because I was broke as fuck and I'm like talking on the phone To my mom and I'm like carrying like pulling two bags behind me and I just see it was like American beauty I just see this like chicken feather like floating in the air. I'm like tracking I'm kind of like not even like like it's just like I grabbed my attention and then all of a sudden They just like whoosh like flies into my mouth and I like I like hung up I just I started like trying to throw up. It was like one of the grossest experiences my entire life

I'm like, I'm never coming back to this neighborhood. Yeah, that shit sucks. Yeah, I was like spitting it out I was like, this is this is one of the grossest things Have you ever eaten a live like not a lot of shit, but like a chicken that you saw live and then they fucking killed it and then Fresh chicken is good. Yeah, it's the best fresh any kind of animal not nice kill, you know, not me That's what I'm talking about. That's type of pussy. It's like right when the life slips out. Yeah, that's true You know like you can feel her neck muscles just go stiff Your hands When it starts to you know, it's just just barely getting cold, you know, it's like a this Luke. It's like a gazpacho

Exactly like a nice lukewarm summer pussy Yes, I fuck In the summertime Nice July, we know me and Ted went up to chop a quiddick and refuck some dead girls. This is Just too hot Plug the mortician and a live pussy is 98 degrees during the summertime. It's simply too hard It's perfectly delightful to fuck a dead pussy right in July What's the name for that shit that accent or that no the fucking that act of

Necrophilia necrophilia when they're dead though. Yeah, that is. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I Thought that was the shit where you like want to feel like you're about to die. No, it's when you have That's called that's called being a professional podcaster That's the feeling when you just want to die. Yeah, but then you but but then you not though Or you what is that thing they say when you like you're fucking about to die? You're choking yourself and then you auto erotic But no, I don't know the name for it when like the the name for like a death erection But I don't because like sometimes people when they get hanged they'll get hard and not

While they're being hanged and I know that's why it's not so bad I don't know if that's like a limbic response to death or if it's because you're making that fucking Yeah, I don't know if it's if it's if it's if it's like, you know something that just happens Because that's where the way the body set up or if like that's people they're being hanged and like oh shit I'm gonna die and they're like, oh, this is really hot like they didn't know that that was the thing They were into until they're being executed and they're like, yeah, fuck it I guess I'll just come in my pants in front of all of France Everyone in France is going to see what about the people that shit when they die

Everyone does your asshole gets loose. Are you saying the guy that comes fucking shit's also? Um, yes, usually there's like a whole South Park episode with a Walmart. Remember the Walmart. Oh, yeah I'm taking over the town. Yeah, isn't that kind of what the pig was doing, but he wasn't dying Yeah, that's maybe what the lady was like. He was having a hard time Was it was it hitting on its own balls like that picture? Um, or did that pig in the picture? It's just crazy that you go out of this world the way you came in, you know Just can just completely submerge in your mom's pussy. I was about to say I was a pussy Just fucking the shit out of your mom. That's how we all die

That would be nice if that's the way out is just you just go up in a ball. You have to go you have to sorry mom Fetal position. I got I got yeah, I'm dying My time Open up bitch. It's it's time for me to go home Oh, would you go shoulder first or would you go head first foot first my go back in my mom's pussy would you go? tongue first I Think I would yeah head first head first. I put her on like a turtleneck Hmm, I think five going Timbaland's first Tim's

Rocks way. Yeah, I hang her upside down jump in there. Yeah that uptown rebirth Fuck I go Yankee fitted last. Yeah, that's gonna be a good good slow burn for me What is that a ice cream bowl? No, it's a little it's a orange with some clothes in it Some voodoo winter winter time favorite. What is that? You ever see me? Put clothes and orange fuck Yeah, love me like smell like making shit smell good And my I never grew up in a family where it's like we were like candles and do you know that you know that?

Uh, that little gay boy that does the Yankee candle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I Was watching a couple like like like 30 minutes of it with my friend Ari and my girlfriend the other day and This kid loves every smell like he loves like he's got like 10 different pumpkin ones And he's like this is just incredible. This got notes of spice and it's got and then there's one which was Yeah, yeah, well, I got I got my girl a dip teak candle for Christmas Yeah But no, no, so Then he had a he had a candle that was like whoopie pie that was like the flavor

It was like a chocolate whoopie pie and he's like and it just smells it just smells like chocolate cake He's like I came home the other day and I asked my mom I say mama Are you making chocolate cake and she's like no you just left her whoopie pie candle burden It is so like oh my god, I can't imagine what that guy's like father's like He's like probably just busting so many sigs and just be like are you talking about your gay ass candles again? And he's like, I don't know light him up. Yeah, he's probably a nice guy like I don't know He's probably from South Africa and and dealing with his gay son the best he can Yeah, it's probably true

But I had a roommate that like I guess she passively thought that I smell I was like Making the apartment smell or my room smelled or something and she started burning Just cinnamon water just like boiling cinnamon water to just make the apartment European that's some weirdo fucking shit That's some like I think that's some like waspy kind of Christmas type of shit was some fucking dude at me and my Me and my ex we had a roommate and this fucking guy was like from some fucking way in Europe And first of all he would walk around like such a fucking little creepy ninja like he was just old You'd never know he was there. Yeah, he just wanted to slap him every time you saw me

He would just fucking make some fucking weird. He would eat just peppers, bro You know eat a fucking pepper. Yes, that's like a bell pepper. That's like yeah, like a fucking orange That's like vegans vegans do that. They like they're like ooh at great dinner tonight. I had an individual mushroom by itself For all yeah, yeah, yeah, like animals don't even fucking You know, it's like a rabbit. That's like yeah, I'm just gonna have this one blade of grass for dinner Yeah, anyways, yeah bell pepper by itself, but show funky pussy is alright. I trust it Yeah, I don't mind not too funky, but like a little twang. It's like right. Yeah, like a southern bell Yeah, no personality. I can say like it's like the taste of her pussy is saying y'all

Yeah, uh-huh. Can you be like a pussy Somalia? Yeah, dude. Yeah, that's all French men. Yeah They start off like It is not you do not use that spoon on the asshole Oh, this is a very young use the smaller spoon on the S.O. And then you use your lips You have to pump it the pussy around your mouth to get the taste into your nasal cavity And that's well it around in your mouth. Yes, we have lost every word, but we know how to eat pussy Um, yeah, apparently Paris is just covered in dog shit. Yeah, apparently it smells bad. It's just fucking disgusting. Yeah We speaking of

Nothing that I just said, but we saw the new pt. Anderson movie. Yeah, me and Nick. So I guess a unanimous review It's shit. We're small. We I just didn't care phantom thread. I Called it the dress bitch, dude. It was the guy just being bitchy. Yeah, that was Adam's big bit It's calling it the dress bitch and he tried it on everyone and turns out Adam's the bit bitch You know, it's got a pretty good response. Hey, you know, I'm not being spiteful. That's my new year's resolution No, I said it I say in the middle of the movie and the whole theater gave me an applause. Yeah, that did that did happen They're like I read on NPR that it is the dress bitch. Yeah, Adam said

Yeah, dress bitch and then some guys started yelling african guy african guy in the theater african guy Yeah, that was great. Um Yeah, I just didn't care about that movie at all. I yeah, couldn't really connect Although the ending they sort of tied up and it's kind of funny The ending was that line at the end was so fun It was and we were literally the only people in the fucking burst out laughing at that shit It was so weird. That's another weird thing is like maybe we should call that doctors Like what you don't trust me. He's like, no, I trust you

There is it at you know, like when you're in a theater and then there are laugh lines and it's like no that that wasn't a joke You know, there's like so there are a ton of like Yeah, I saw happened in this movie and people the whole like it like fucking fresh air NPR crowd was like Oh, yeah, I saw fucking it in theaters and they They there's that line where Finn Wolfhard says to that girl You know, he's like, okay Who invited Molly Ringwald and I it was an empty theater so luckily no one laughed But I knew people that was that was supposed to be a huge laugh in the movie

And I'm like, I'll tell you who invited Molly Ringwald is the casting director who said we need the next Molly ring wall So that we can fucking then write a joke about clearly looking for someone who looks like Molly Ringwald So we can sell this, you know 80s I hate all that shit dude. I didn't the salja I fucking do that take place in place, you know, I Yeah, it takes place in the 80s, but like stranger things and all this shit I mean there's some things that it works for because it's a stylistic choice like it follows where you're paying a you know homage to Like older shit, but yeah, but yeah, but it stands on its own merit and then there's like stuff that just sucks

Yeah, and it's like I mean nostalgia is like kind of a form of sentimentality and you couldn't get it like it's white like If you made a movie like radio, you know, they're like he's black and he's retarded and people call him the n-word and a retard And it's like this is just a dumb trick Everyone recognizes it as such and then therefore it's a bad movie But when you do it with like everything looks like the 80s, which is also a trick people are like, no, it's good I don't get it cuz it's like a fashion thing, right? It's like people love like well It's just that's not how storytelling works. You can't just you can't just be like remember this You know, that's not like you're not doing any original work to convey an emotion

Did you see Star Wars Nick? No, I didn't Pete. Did you see it? No, I saw it Do you think it was really the last Jedi? No, I think there's gonna be more Jedi's dude That's the twist. That's the twist. Um, no, it's uh, I don't know. I just I didn't care What was this? What was this about when Yoda was born? No, it's Yoda, but Yoda does come back as a ghost Yoda's dead because Yoda's Yoda died in the original movies place before all of these Basically, she goes to this island where Luke Skywalker has been no kiddies me Yoda Master Yoda, why are you talking like that? I don't know They said they would I become a ghost so I don't talk like these master Yoda. Yeah. Yeah, he's um

Yeah, well, yeah, and then Luke Skywalker is living there She's like you need to come back and he's like I'll never come back It's basically like one of those movies where they got to get like the retired guy back and he's like I'm out of the game And then they show his life on the island. He's like sucking or he's like milking these like duck Penguins like titties and stuff and like fishing and so it's I don't fucking care It's just I didn't care and then there was one cool shit where they blew up a ship by going warp speed into it or whatever It's called in Star Wars. Is it warp speed and Star Trek? No, it's warp speed is Star Trek hyperdrive is Star Wars It's hyperdrive, whatever, which I wonder why they don't do that before just go hyperdrive into other ships. Yeah

Japanese style Whatever I saw and whatever It's not it's I'm sure people liked it I'm sure some smarter people than me like that shit is not man because force force awakens sucked Everybody thought it was good, but it's like it wasn't as bad as the like original trilogy You know or not the original trilogy, but the fucking episode one two and three because those were like Just stupid as shit. Yeah, and then these ones are like back to basics We're gonna follow the format that everybody knows and loves, but then they just make like a fucking

unnecessary movie that again is just like References, I mean, but you know, they know there's dummies out there. Yeah, I know It's more than dummies. It's that Star Wars doesn't actually need to be good Right, yeah, not yet an enthusiast it's like, you know people at large It's like, you know how they got away with just fucking putting bacon on everything and bacon. It's like not that good Bacon's okay, but I mean like, you know what I'm talking about like what like two four years ago And everything was like, but have you had it with bacon? Oh, yeah, and it's like I don't think I need to you know It's like mac and cheese when people like, but have you had it with chicken waffles?

You have you had it with shit in there with human shit. Have you had it with calm cornflake come? Anyways, any fucking ways anyway Yeah, so but no, but you know what was good is that rogue one movie? I thought a rogue one was cool. I liked that guy. It man was in it. Oh Yeah, I love it. I don't watch the last one. Was it good? No, I saw the first one I haven't seen the second one. The second one was good. Was it good because everyone dies at the end? Yeah, yeah, you don't really have to have an attachment, right? I don't like that message of hope that the rest of the shit has over, you know, because it's a conflict

I'm sure the Empire is right about many things the Empire creates a lot of fucking job They built the fucking like a really enormous beautiful orb planet space. Yeah, right And then the whole thing start they tell you in this the original they're really into infrastructure first three Yeah, that's the whole thing started with like a trade Federation. So it's like there was it was just all economic incentive Yeah, like benefits all these, you know, the shit I don't get is that at the end of Return of the Jedi they have that party and then they won and they get like Medals and the Ewoks are dancing and then they just start another movie and then the fucking Stormtroopers are back. The bad guys are back. Nothing has changed. Yeah, the same shit

They just give them different names and they're instead of like the the They're called the resistance instead of the yeah, I like to imagine Red Bulls or something, you know, it's it's September 11th 2001 and it's fucking, you know nine o'clock at night and And Somewhere in a mountainous region in a far forested region in Afghanistan. Yeah, it's Osama bin Laden and the rest of the al-Qaeda higher-ups

partying with a bunch of teddy bears The teddy bears are on their laps they're all singing Have a good night I'll chuckle Chuckle chuckle chuckle chuckle and then Osama bin Laden like Like Osama you speak teddy bear is like I guess so. Yes. I guess so I had learned teddy bear language at some point Yo, so someone's still alive sound billon for sure He's still jacking off and you Pretended to be sick and move the dearborn

He owns a Ford Lincoln Mercury. He owns a Ford Lincoln Mercury. That's a real car. Dealership. Okay. Yeah. No. But that's a good point, Nick.

What if Osama bin Laden is the rebels and we are. Yeah. Well, everybody recognizes that. I know you're trying to rip on me for making a trite point, but the only reason I was saying that is to create the visual of the Taliban hanging out with Ewoks, which is still a funny. That is very funny. No, I'm not shitting on the bed.

I appreciate it. Just celebrating 9-11 with. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then Landau Calrissian is there, too, for some reason, Billy D. Williams, Osama old buddy. I'm mad.

I lost my third wife to you in a poker game, but we're still friends. There's going to be a. They're making a Han Solo movie now. Han Solo, I hope they show so many goddamn fucking Star Wars, Disney is just cashing out, dude. Yeah. And they just bought 20th Century Fox. Yeah.

So that means that they're going to be able to mash up all the universes. Yeah. They're going to. Well, Fox. Yeah. 20th Century Fox. Yeah. So they're going to put all the.

They're going to put. I don't. I don't. What is 20th Century Fox? Uh, X-Men movies. X-Men. Yeah. They're going to be in Marvel and Star Wars, and it's going to just be a real fucking gang

bang. Yeah. Of cool shit. How was your Christmas, P.D.? I should have shitty, bro. You had a bad Christmas. I was good. I fucking hung out with some friends, fucking got drunk, broke up with my girl, regular shit.

Sorry to hear that. That's cool. It's life. Yeah. Well, you know, these bitches be getting too fat out here. Yeah, that's true. We got to get the wolf pack back together. That's the thing.

You should message the girls out there. You want to keep a man? Maybe take it easy on Thanksgiving. Yeah. I fucks with the big girls. I fuck with all the girls. Are you kidding me? I mean, I do if it's like my friend's mom.

Okay. Okay. It's not his mom. Yeah. All right. You know, because I mean. It's a favor. It's a favor, and it's not even really, you know, I mean, obviously the sex is going

to be bad, but the breakfast. The breakfast. You have no idea. You have to. The Waffle House. Who? The breakfast. Crapes.

She makes some new. Throw a little Nutella on that bitch. I went to Chinese with my girl. I had spots at the stand. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So I did shit and on Christmas. Yeah.

Why do you go to Chinese food and shop? I feel like they eat pork on Christmas on the low. They got pork on they got pork 365. Sweet and sour pork. I love that shit, but Jewish people Sweet and sour pork, I can't order every time but I like it every once in a while when I'm in the mood for like You know a ball of dough covered in syrup. Yeah, children's cough syrup. Yeah, that's all Chinese food is syrup What's up with that? We like it because historically it was the only place open on Christmas was the Chinese food restaurants fucking loyal Sometimes it'd be nice to be Jewish Yeah, I think like I I'm jealous of Jews on Christmas because I would love to just not give a fuck to not have to be a part of that

Yeah, I love that fucking sucks dick Christmas sucks. Yeah, every every aspect of it. It's like when you were eight. Yeah, it was cool But like it's five. I was always jealous of like the waking up on in the morning as Early as possible and then go to the tree and they're being presents I always thought that was really sick and that was really sad. I couldn't do that, but now as an adult I don't fuck, you know, I got a homie that did fucking Hanukkah and he fucking opened up gifts like a fucking two-timer on Christmas Yeah, yeah, yeah, well That sounds pretty that's fucking you're gonna hell for that shit. Yeah

Which hell though which one Rikers Muslim hell You get fucked by 72 You virgin men, they fuck you. Yeah, okay, I'm I'm gonna transition dude to Islam I've been thinking about transitioning the fucking I'm gonna be gay and Islamic gay I'm a transition Join geysers geysers. I'm transitioning to woman and Muslim. I'm gonna dress up like a scary ghost

I'm transitioning into a guy that owns a blue macaw named Benjamin. Oh, yeah, it doesn't have any money I actually don't it's just me and you Benjamin. We were holding the fucking train train station Yeah, yeah, I love that concept of you as a as a vagrant after the fall Do you probably get so much money though like with the fucking bird on your shoulder and like people are just like Yo, this bird needs to ride the train around like ladies and gentlemen. This is very embarrassing for me to do I've recently lost all of my podcasting money. I'm trying to support my blue macaw Benjamin here. Say hello, Benjamin I'm not gonna lie Benjamin uses a lot of cocaine Benjamin is horrifically addicted to fentanyl

So to support his addiction that's right $20 for everyone on this train I do have a solo cup filled with my own feces and urine I do not mean to throw it at you if you cannot provide me with any kind of change, but I I might slip It's very might slip and fall. I can't fucking promise You know folks hey look in his eyes. This is an eight-year-old parrot You know be a good option is if everything goes wrong in life And I just don't have any options to move to Florida and be one of those slip and fall insurance people Insurance scam people. Yeah, I think that'd be cool. Well, you know, I just feel like I should be supported forever

With vigs by all the people I've personally made rich off my ripple fucking advice Yeah, those people should this people listen to show we've made like tens of thousands of dollars off my investing advice Yeah, I could see I I didn't know that I didn't know like I seen a guy the other night He was like, I love you like he said he looked like he didn't want to say it, but he couldn't hold it in any longer I'm telling you listen to a grown-ass dude in the streets. He's like you listen to the show You'll get rich baby and he fucking scurried away like a fucking like he was embarrassed to his life You know fans are all pretty sweet when you meet them in in real life. No, there was a dude there fucking gay dude I was chilling with him at the bar the last show. Oh, yeah funny mom. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Is that his name?

What's his name? His name is gay dude. Yeah. Yeah gay guy But he was super chill because like he dropped, you know, you're just talking like whoop-whoop and they're like, yeah I'm gay because it comes that moment where it's like you start talking about pussy your shit. Like, yeah, you know how these Bitches eyes like I'm gay. I'm like, oh word. That's what's up. Yeah. So how was it with you when you're man? You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, same shit. Exactly. I mean, we have a big tent the um Nick we never talked about this but speaking of homeless nick about the That character we were doing on the train one day about a

Oh, yeah subway entertainer who's uh Who's a former lounge act from vegas who lost it all he's wearing like a tattered. Yeah, fucked up tuxedo And he's just he has just like a little amp and a little microphone. Fly me to the moon How you doing folks? You got a beautiful family there. So that's a beautiful daughter. You have a very beautiful daughter my friend Gorgeous gorgeous daughter. We were also doing like like christian bale, you know, he's like he's like And it says he's gonna have like sex with a girl and he's like dick's real small and she's like, oh like really? He's like, yeah, so i'm like i got a i'm a character. There's a character i'm doing coming up. So

It's a guy that It's a guy that has a really small dick and i'm doing it for the car. I'm doing it for the character the character I play It's got a small dick. So it's not that's not me I'm christian bale. It's called method acting. Yeah. All right. Well, that's gonna do it for tonight. Thanks, pete. Yep. That's the hour Thank you. Thanks, pete. You got anything you want to plug? Uh blunt club. Hope of the hood Blunt club. Check it out. Check that out. All right. We got nothing. So so yeah, um, we'll see I'm going to stand a shit ton in january

I gotta like I got like eight spots at the stand in january. Right. Yeah. I'm in africa smart over there Yeah, well, they know they know the thing is I plug the the shit on the show and then people will come out Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's also called getting smart over there. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, if you're a come boy in capetown, south africa, you want to give me some spots down there Dude, you're going to fucking down that for real though. I'm gonna hit the yeah Please please come out come out to the stand and then I guess let them know you came out because of the show Because the more that happens the more they book me And tell them you you heard me on the show too because I'm yeah, yeah, right, right, right, right tell them pete sent you

You know that kind of shit and then we're back on funny mom's the 23rd or 24th. I don't know the name All right. Good night everybody. Bye