The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 84 – Tube Town

Episode Date: January 4, 2018

gettin your tube hogged down and off by a whores box

is it coffee ready yeah it is shout out to black-ass Africa the darkest continent that's where i am right now where when this episode drops we're pre-recording this episode adam has died in his flight to the trans valve he's getting his his valve transed off by a fucking witch doctor oh yeah and in Africa what they do is they take a picture of your dick and it falls it steals it oh shit these they steal your soul your dick soul it's still your dick soul does your dick have a separate soul your day have you ever seen that movie all dicks go to heaven i have yeah yeah yeah dom dole weas and it's about that dick that can talk to little girls and so it uses uh little girls power to talk to other dicks to win the dick races but then

he's an old business partner carface who's a pit bull where's a little vest is that what happens in in all dogs go to heaven they talk to a little girl what's all dogs go to heaven i'm sorry uh all dicks go to heaven i was just making it that's not a real movie i was making up a movie like a fake movie called all dicks go to heaven okay wow really you just made that up you just that sounds a lot like all dogs go to heaven what's all dogs go to heaven it's another movie i think stops making up it's this movie about it's like a guy gets a bunch of dogs in a circle and he fucks fucks them in the ass yeah all dogs go to heaven is uh you know i had actually had a tweet a couple years ago it's like yeah you could say all dogs go to heaven when i'm in the mood to eat

pussy that's really good bro that's really good not a lot of fat on that one yeah yeah man twitter kept me sharp that's good back when twitter was good in 2012 and it was just for jokes it really was just imagine one of these media faggot i'm sorry media geniuses just getting bullied yeah it would have been awesome well trying to like you know compete because none of them are funny not even close they just say things that other people said were funny and they just you know move the format around 100% yeah like uh Mueller more like uh Mueller my uncle's a model by the way you know which is a drill yeah it really is this weird thing where it's like someone writes a joke yeah and then you just get to keep doing it with different punch lines

like what the fuck that's not what jokes are that's like half of the half of the work is done for you jokes happen so there's like one format and then everyone takes a crack at right it started with memes and then it just became how everyone tweets now yeah yeah yeah sure except me now i know what you're thinking what race is this motherfucker my ass half i got a half japanese ass half indian ass that's deaf nine and that's me doing what we were just criticizing yeah it's not bad though i like it it's good when you do it this motherfucker getting his goddamn sushi at the 7-11 mm-hmm my man's my man said they got a grazed donut oh yeah you know oh yeah that's my man said it's the galaxy he was just trying to charge his motherfucking sand sound with his half indian ass sound sound

song my damn sound sound sound man the sand yeah sound man they say they do they wink wink do those half indians half japanese yep oh fuck boys you know i'm saying we all have pussy have penis if you think about it very true ain't ain't a goddamn man out there today and have pussy have penis very fucking not i mean to over intellectualize on that ass but that's some deep ass shit mm-hmm peachy county comedy.com we're running shows as strip plugs baby we all share one minivan we got the same p.o running the whole east side of the bellway baby 19 spots a night we're getting in three fights you're not fucking i used to love those guys yeah oh they were great that was the best crew

crew i never did one of their shows what was the what was the place there's one in college park right no no no what was the place no because they used to have these steps shows like like deep down into pg county yeah wild shit yeah wild deep yeah yeah parts of pg county that are like fucked up not like upper marlboro and shit yeah upper marlboro is like right outside yeah yeah well it's no it's like a little further north maybe like and then erwin would fucking partner up with them too that was the best shit yeah yeah just go to like calvert county for some reason just straight up like hick shit and you just take these fucking hood motherfuckers was awesome and they would love it because they were just they were just being racist like for them it was like watching blackface like

they were they were just oh it was awesome they're like that's what they're all like yeah damn good fucking time i used to love i used to really fuck with lauren solans heavy he was like my favorite comic in dc oh we've talked about lauren solans a nice amount yeah i remember one time he's like everybody got the deficiencies man you know it sounds like he's gonna do like he's gonna make some point he's like like you know for instance retarded people yeah and then just 20 minutes about being doing a cross yeah that was a big one why are you so fucking god damn funny really was exactly you can't be no thug with glasses on you know coming up like you know he's like cross-eyed putting the glasses on he's like this motherfucker right here not supposed to kill this motherfucker

he uses the n-word i didn't want to yes yes you have a great effect yeah yeah to great comedic effect i mean it's so much of that just being able to use the yeah yeah yeah yeah what a great bit dude yep what a what a champ there was someone had someone had a joke about it's so funny that like retarded guy was a barber i think that was the setup yeah and it's just he fucks your hair up i think that was the whole thing right it's so funny that like there's all this like diversity shit in comedy they're like we need more indian women or whatever and shows and it's like like first of all black men are like hands down the funniest people in the world oh yeah they're the best of comedy here's like the average black guy is probably just an average just black

man living his life is a better comedian than 90 percent of like oh yeah white men trying to do stand oh my god so many stand-ups who like if anything goes wrong they're just telling a script of like okay jokes they've written over 10 years like there's a guy just on the corner here that yeah yeah off the top of the dome piece yeah yeah i'm just talking about i was on the bus one time when i was a teenager and these three black teens are making this black lady cry she's wearing like sandals just fat middle aged lady and she's just quietly sitting there with tears streaming down his face and they're like this bitch look like trek three they're gonna rotten rotten grape toes and like just roasting her for no reason yeah and every line

was great yeah yeah it's really good stuff yeah i think like compared her to when you take a shit in the water splash up and kiss your asshole that was a big trope actually dookie water splashing yeah yeah yeah i brought that up somehow oh yeah so funny i would i could never be that funny no dude anyways yeah so there's not there's no real advantage to being a black guy and stand up in terms of capitalizing on that diversity no not anymore you're right yeah no never it was never right never because there's always because black men are actually funny so they do stand up so there's always enough of them right right right right right you know it wasn't like an indian guy whose parents were millionaire doctors who you know doesn't know how to write

a joke so yes to make a movie about it looks like they're the best ones at the show they don't get any of that benefit and then they leave the show and then they're just murdered by the police yeah yeah yeah it's real tough it is it's like the worst kind of person to be but you're the most talented so yeah i guess that's the trade off mm-hmm you get those cool sinewy muscles oh yeah you know sinewy is right partner yeah yeah just i would love i love watching just you know there are there the the arm bend at the elbow that's what i'm talking just looking at the fucking tendons move them bones for me that's right good set but let me see those fucking arms i want to see your fucking fingers articulate you know let me see what your forearm does when you

pick up a pencil yeah yeah twirl that shit bitch um fuck man 2018 boys yeah it's new year's eve right now dick it's new year's eve yes um i'm leaving tomorrow morning for new year's resolution crashes no offense but it would be funny if you died it would be funny nick and stoff have both been leaving notes in my locker that say go back to africa yeah so it's true that's funny that you're calling dosh especially uh your locker yeah and our dicks notes yeah go back to africa come yeah i hope you guys take care of my you know my girls oh hey your wife and your isis will take care of your wife and your uh and your girlfriend yeah yeah my wife my dog yeah we'll take care of him all right i mean whatever oh we'll take care of that dog that lives in your house and then also

the pit bull there he is yeah that dumb bitch why did she schedule her trip so that she's gonna be here while you're not here fuck up she's just like the flights like to have sections other men in return fly at him's home yeah way too expensive that's adam's kink the cheapest one was on friday they're gonna Skype while she fucks a lot of his clothes really good comedians at the house while he's gone what do you mean yeah really good calm the type of guys they're very good at comedy some sinewy ass comedy very sinewy imagine like i get home early from the trip and god free yeah yeah of course it's just fucking fedunk you're on doing the the uh jason statham impression that you stole from him he does statham he does he does like a perfect statham he doesn't really

get cosby too yeah well the cosby is just cartoonish he's gonna do that he's gonna do a pretty good cosby to your girlfriend yeah yeah he's gonna drug her make her whoa i didn't say that that's weird about the wet hair yeah it is aspect of cosby yeah that's the weird part i mean it's all terrible but the wet hair details very very i think it gets kind of erased in the worst detail is the one where he's black yeah being honest yeah it's true but makes this a class a felony i'm gonna get back into my heritage stop and i were talking about yeah yeah i'm gonna be gay nicely done my friends thanks man perfectly executed one or should i say sex executed i'm like i'm what they call at the sniper of the show i'm like the zackamiko of the year laying the cut

here's zackamiko they call him the sniper make your laugh so hard you might need a diaper oh was that that's brutal that's i think our fans got no that raps bad i don't know if i don't think fans of louis like the rap the rap's horrible louis has horrible taste i mean there's no way around that like louis i love louis but he's a wallah he's got the worst taste of all time he's a wallet chain of a guy yeah no he's not even he's not even wallet chain man you got a wrong read on louis it's not wall chain it's just it's literally across the board the worst yeah it's literally fidget spinners intact yeah it's the shit they sell at the register at the wallet chain store yeah he's like won't you i'll be able to afford wall until then a fucking ring with a skull on it and

wasn't he in like a fucking emo band in like high school too so it's like not even like was he oh yeah he was like a drummer and then he was like where would wear eyeliner and shit like that that's cool it's pretty cool i want to have he's got it's crazy we haven't had him on i want to bad guy liner you know what i mean could come on i think that's what people say that that's what it's called when guys have eyeliner it'd be pretty cool to get your dick head tattooed so it's in blackface your dick head yeah yeah this is the helmet the helmet yeah it's all black with a little smile and some would you want it completely black or like a a dark shoe polish dark baby shoe polish dark would you like a with now what's the lips the head little opening no you have to do those no no no it's

just on the it's on the time it faces you but wouldn't you want to make that opening your rethra why not make that the lips put a couple big red you know i'm saying google is big red circle around there maybe that's the lips that'd be cool i don't know i've already lost interest in this idea anyway i think that there's like what color is your dick how how pink is it um my dick is it has a freckle it's pretty pink right yeah i guess you both have pretty pink dick have a pink dick i might them might looks like you actually oh probably same color as you that's not that looks like stop like Mediterranean and then my dick gets it's darker it's all it's one darker you have a dark i have a dark most people have a dick that's a little darker than the rest no a lot of white

guys pink up very pink my friend dug a very pink dick do i mean his nose got if your nose is pink you know if like an irish guy gets red around his cheeks he's got a pink dick huh i don't get red but i'm like definitely i have a i have a green tint to me mm-hmm yes your penis no to my face and body yeah like a coke bottle sort of yeah yeah like i made out of like you're sick copper or you're dying yeah yeah you're like the statue of liberty yeah could we make that bitch bronze dude so in it hold on yeah just clean that bitch up that's what i was saying the other day hold on hold on hold on yeah so you take a cab around right uh-huh and have that taxi tv yeah yeah these ads and i was like the ninja turtles you're fucking out on the streets to fucking do

ninja turtle bullshit in new york city yeah yeah it's like an ad for like new york city featuring the turtles and all the cool things you could do in the city tell them mickey and then fucking michael angelo's like yeah you know whatever mm-hmm and then the commercial ads and it's like you might even meet that special lady and then there's a picture of like the statue of liberty and then it goes like it says i love you liby with like hearts on it they're like love you liby and it's like and there's an implication that the ninja turtles fuck the statue of liberty yeah they do which i did not know their hideout is in her pussy actually if you live out as in the sewer if you look no no no the sewer is a metaphor for her pussy yeah that's good french i like that yeah

stinky pussy yeah they do there that is true i want to go there to sample just hi everybody i'm dan nine and you know a lot of people don't know that the statue of liberty that her pussy is the sewers yep because she's from france where they have very stinky pussy all right good crowd already yo isn't he gonna be in that did we talk about that already how they're doing another like conservative meetup and dan nine and's back in the booth oh yeah they announced that when we were on the way down to dc yeah it's sir novich and it's so funny that that's gavin the son of uh the coke brothers this is going to be there why it not gavin why gavin meganis okay and gavin meganis yeah sorry um apparently gavin meganis came to our show in dc funny mobs funny mobs yeah when i don't

know that's what amber said i said he popped his head in looked around then left interesting cool maybe maybe wanted to suck us off maybe would you let him no i wouldn't either dude you're so bad at hypothetical i'm just asking gavin meganis shoot or shoot man shoot or shoot they're not all gonna be great but sometimes i got a hypothetical for you again but you're a fucking oh for 47 no would you let vice i'm gonna warm up at some founder and uh traditional marriage advocate he's also a no fap guy doesn't jack off anti mass seems like i only fuck my wife okay yeah i respect that i don't know i'm pathetic i don't know if i could handle that only fucking gavin's wife yeah i know i only fuck her like two times a month fuck her in the air but yeah you're right you're right you know you're

right you gotta check off yeah it's pathetic my bad i i retract my opinion my earlier opinion i do think if you beat off if you beat off less you have more sexual force i wish i could retract my dick all the way to my body stop what's that like to be able to retract your dick i don't know yes you do you want me to ask adam sure adam what's that like you guys can reach a consensus it's cool it's like between the two of you i mean the only person that we know definitely has a retractable dick is earnest and he's sleeping i can wake him up earnest earnest show us your cock you earnest what's it like what's it like having a retractable penis no stop really though what is it it's nice you know it's like not you don't have so much danger you know like if you're an

escalator and you fall you don't have to worry about your dick getting caught between the teeth it's tactical i wish like it's tactical it's my choice after fucking my dick like went back like an antenna like a radio they've made like the handable lector like teeth sucking noise that would be perfect remember like what the fuck was that i'm like um i have to leave i got just completely hard it goes into your whole stomach i gotta get back to the hospital if you had a retractable dick you could definitely dress like winnie the pooh no bottoms right now what about your balls do those retract as well oh it would look pretty bad if it was just balls just balls no dick that's brutal yeah that's a bad look what do you think what do you say

nick with your balls retract as well um yeah but then they make like a slide whistle noise no i know you don't want the dick goes the dick goes in because whoop and then the balls pop the balls oh the balls go yeah yeah right that's really good yeah that would be cool this girl's like i fucked his clown last night this is where she squeezes your asshole a little water comes out yeah yeah yeah a little seltzer he puts his dick in and then he goes to pull out and he can't and she's like screaming and then he like rips his dick out and it like completely destroys his vagina but his dick has been twisted into a giraffe that's cool i was thinking he pulls his dick on then eight little clowns come out of her pussy too yeah that'd be good yeah that was like

the first your mama joke your mama's pussy so loose it's like a fucking clown car yeah yeah that's a good joke that is a good i stand by that one a lot of those he pulls out a hanker chief keeps changing colors saying your mom your mom is so fat when she sits around the house she sits around the house yeah i didn't even know what that meant yeah i didn't understand me neither involved in that joke well what happened i thought you were just saying the same thing twice well what happened is that's so on delivery that's that joke is all delivery and it's like the first kid would get it and then someone would just steal it and then because of like mm-hmm uh you know just fucking societal pressure everyone would laugh even though it was repeated

yeah because it sounded like a joke yeah it was the same so well they wouldn't even do it they wouldn't even ask why people laugh at adam stand up right he's got the rhythm down yeah it's the kids things in a way that signal signals that you're supposed to laugh at it like yeah i had sex i've never said that yeah he does that he goes i don't acknowledge that and then we had sex i have to say my impish you know pseudo koi voice and joe koi yeah joe koi a joe koi voice he is a big influence yeah for sure adam we first met with our fd yeah i remember you were just basically just doing joe koi i did i did a lot of jokes a lot of filipinos were showing up for my shows very loyal the fuck yeah that's right shut the fuck up that was awesome dude that was so good

they were start every show for the reference for the listener there was a open mic in dc and it was a hot show at the time that was hot it was popping mm-hmm that had only one rule and that was shut the fuck up and the reason was because after 9 p.m that room would get so drunk yeah that like the audience they'd be getting in fights with the comics well but not even though i feel like that it would just be a little chatty which what happens at comedy shows and the host would just they would start every show yelling shut the fuck up for seven straight minutes in a crowd it was awesome it's really a momentum killer i gotta say and then they do like 30 minutes in between columns yeah salute salute to Ralph um suck my fat cock maybe they

should have yelled that i love picking my nose i love it too did you ever eat him as a yes i did i was a booger eater for a long time everybody and sometimes you know what i sometimes no yeah that's fucking gross i'll admit it are you serious i'll admit it sometimes i've been known to eat a booger because it reminds you of coming in like yeah yeah i like the no no i kind of like you said yeah we don't have to go into it wait what what do you mean you kind of i like like a dryer like a kind of a crispy oh my god that is fucking disgusting that's straight up the first time i've been this disgusting a while i don't think it's that that's fucking gross as she don't i'm proud of you for gross really fucking yeah hold on wipe your ass with hotel

this is no hold on i think i have respect for it yeah thank you you eat crispy you have a preference i'm not as you listen i'm know that people are listening that's fucked up and a lot of frid that's fucked up frid straight up i don't like that i'm coming out right dude i'm proud of you you eat crispy boogers too bitch no that's just gross like a crispy sometimes not all the time oh i used to eat boogers a lot as a kid you pick your nose and you wipe it on the bottom of your shoe and then you walk into somebody i do it i do it on socks i pick my nose i wipe it on okay look i'm fine with all my on my leg like listen i'm a rocket i'm a snot rocky guy i'll fucking i'll get it on my face you don't understand what it's like having this schnauz it's a big

responsibility a lot of this kind of curve in upkeep i remember eating your own shit see for some reason i mean no that i used to but because it's so fucking out like i know he's not lying that's the fuck that's what's really i'm not i'm not one you could say you eat your dad's no i have a girlfriend now i i don't care anymore i don't care i'm proud of you yeah thank you i don't have to i feel like a lot nicer and i think it's because i'm i'm lounging yeah that's a good really nice to do this completely laid out i usually do the podcast hunched over you know it's really nice to do it like lounging back you know bicking back sucking yeah well we work hard bicking back bucking venus we deserve to relax oh yeah while doing the only job we do although i

got to say i was working all day today getting my reel together i'm trying to be hollywood halkias mm you know that's trying to get on television the fuck was asking for a reel fucking uh somner redstone damn whoa shit he called me personally dude apparently if you fuck him you haven't i know i fucked him you were ready did i don't know if it was him or just a different old guy uh that i saw but just to be safe did he look like just to be safe i suck off every old guy that i see did he look like he was a he had a third degree burns at a certain point yep yep he had no teeth in somner redstone couldn't see yep he was kind of screaming telling me to stop he's worth like five billion yeah yeah so it's pretty cool i think i'm gonna be hosting new

year's rock and eve next year i'm taking that shit from dick clark i'm no karsten i'm gonna shoot is dick clark dead yeah he's dead it's not i'm gonna kill him he should be dead he's not that i will murder him um and then i'm gonna kill sea crest and karsten daily do you think sea crest like goes home like what you think he's happy right yeah you ever think about that you think he's happy yo what about ryan dunkelman or whatever the fuck his name oh that guy definitely killed himself that that guy that guy sucks dude i love that he was like this shit's gay i want to go back to being a comic and then it's like yeah i guess you're not very good at comedy right right right was that what it was he he quit american idol that interest like he was a comic and then

yeah he was he wanted to go do stand up again because sea crest was like a radio guy yeah sea crest all he's ever want to do is be this guy yeah he wants to be a host which is hilarious yeah yeah that's what you want to do like that's a job that shouldn't exist anymore that's like a job from like the 20s it's like a guy who could read a presenter i want to be a sensei huh that's my dream job sensei has been a job for thousands of years though yeah yeah that's a very historical job that's true so is dj though dj has been a job for about in feudal japan since during the ado period dj's were some of the most respected members of the japanese they have the same hair samurai's yeah makes sense got the little top on dude yeah but back then they just used to

you know they would just sort of like tap on rice paper that was the only instrument that's how you dj bang bang bang bang bang that little fucked up guitar yeah yeah i like the yeah yeah well they play that i like the whole version of that yeah but you know what it's a real course i know they play in restaurants and it's like wow this makes the food taste good oh in a restaurant you can play it here's a trick you're gonna play any chinese ass song in the world yeah you go to a piano and only play the black keys oh is it chinese sounding you pick any just hit the black keys any black keys in in succession that's not true because there's that song you could play with your knuckles on the black keys did it i got a song i could play with my knuckles on your mom's fucking face right

what is that song this song is called i'm about to come it's called sweet chin music oh yeah do you remember that that was son michael's yeah son michael that was confusing to me too as a kid i didn't get why it was music yeah it's sweet and why it's sweet it looked like he was just kicking someone i love son michael's dude that was my guy he fucked yeah he fucked i thought that was cool i know i'm sexy yeah i got the moves our apartment drive the girls while there's wow there's hubba blue uh hubba blue there's the new year's is starting now guys hell yeah wait you know what louis did a legion of skates this week it was the what are the funniest things what he timed out the podcast so that he could tell his

fans tonight while they're pregame and getting ready for no while they're pregame and getting ready for the ball drop that they could time the beginning of this week's episode of los and then at the end there would be a countdown that would correspond to someone someone someone's getting the legion of skanks sicked up to have new year's alone in their fucking house before they kill his before he kills his parents yeah that's what he does in a 12 or one fucked up the funniest part about legion of skanks this week is when louis is going off about some woman he wants to fight oh there is about 40 minutes on the podcaster nick and i didn't open our mouths because he's just shouting about a woman he wants to fight yeah yeah who was it some a foreign some fucking

woman from the Bronx some Puerto Rican bitch nice that he was she was a Puerto Rican porn star that was on a podcast on bobby's podcast oh that she does a bunch of i saw he was tweeting about her that threatened to fight yeah well louis was saying he's gonna fight this woman and as he's going off defending his own honor against the Puerto Rican porn star from the Bronx uh big jade looks over Dominican she's meaning he's Puerto Rican all right well big jay looks over and he goes louis is that come on your pants and louis has got a big cum stain on his sweatpants and he just ignores it and moves on what the fuck yeah come on his pants in the fucking public

a white comes from the front of his pants cum stain on the front of his hoodie too because i fucked that dude no one disrespects me dude i don't give a fuck dude yeah god damn louis rules this is the nastiest fucking cunt i've ever seen in my entire life look at rules yeah he wants to fuck or he does not want to fuck her i mean he clearly is going to get married i think in their culture that's that's courtship ritual yeah uh beating the shit out of each other yep a slice this is uh this is great this is definitely not distracting at all should we stop for a second no no we're good i mean fuck fuck uh fuck our listeners dude i know it's new years they're enjoying this too they're this is uh i don't tell us more about your trip to vape town

both look great by the way south africa what you're doing that's nice i'm gonna go there seven yeah yeah yeah a black widow for sure yeah black widow vibes are you guys dressing up for new years guys i'm dressed up i was wearing his tracksuit but i'm not dressed at all i'm just wearing a hoodie nick what are you doing i guess i could put on the same tracksuit that you have on i need to go home and get my no no that's then it's funny you don't have a blue one you have a blue one too i have a blue one i told you i got it yeah at work don't you listen to your friend shamed that's why i forgot dressing like that fucking home depot well now i'm just now i'm now i'm just jealous that you guys have a thing yeah as you should be that's fun as the show was

designed to that would be that's a good picture too smiling in the same tracksuit out of being sad as shit yeah i will take that dumb as nautica fucking sweater banana cream outfit dude this is a cool nautica shut up this is a quarter zip nautica pullover you look like diet cum that's oh yeah fat free cum that's right dude yeah you don't even have the nutrients that come has mother fucker flavorless just yeah you don't even have the good yeah well girls like diet cum is that so yeah they like it nice for the aspartame or whatever let's go to the let's go to the polls real quick wrong you're gay we asked 90 percent of viewers if they felt you know the thing adam said is right or if he's gay and they all said now to play us out that fucked up guitar

i like that dude i'm like one of the hardest i've ever laughed on youtube is like a youtube video it's like the world's oldest instrument you know world oldest instrument world oldest song it's some egyptian like lute or whatever yeah yeah yeah and the song is like you know that kind of shit like bomb bomb yeah yeah and the first comment is from some guy that was like how the fuck did they record this that is some good shit baby oh fuck well new year's resies guys mine's the same as always what's that to lose weight double fuck no double the bread double the head yeah always and i gotta say this year i actually achieved double the bread's being doubled by the way i guess we should plug it again if you don't like subscribe to the premium episodes of come town if you go to

patreon.com slash come town you get an extra episode every week yeah except for last week when i just uploaded real last podcast because it was fucking christmas well because the sound guy break the sound guy like that have an episode for them we did have an episode got fucked up but you shouldn't i mean people got really mad one day we didn't release a christmas when i'm not with my family yeah yeah i'm sitting at home very religious sitting at home waiting to go do spots at the stand could have easily recorded something with adam and another guy yeah we did with pd pd pd that's a good guy using a good feeling pd that boy yeah he did well pd that bro um pd that bro so yeah new year's resolution uh i think double the bread double the head baby

that's the motto that's the motto every year i think maybe i challenge everyone to double their bread and their head that they give and receive by the way yeah that's what tony robin says exactly it's like you got a nut more and you got to make more fucking money that's right dude we should do our own don't don't be a bitch system yes no that's not tony robins that's us that's me i'm going to be a motivational speaker double the bread double the head i like that you got to put it i like that's all motivational speaker is something that goes on stage and like make millions of dollars and become super rich and be happy also yeah and be rich get a hot wife yeah make sure you have an island a boat a real thick tube yeah yeah hog out that tube for us get your tube

picked up pick up your tube have a big dude i love get my i'm a swollen tube millionaire individual i love to get my tube so this is what i like to call the tube system soak my tube bitch dude that's fucking 2018 resolution no one's gonna understand that say tube as much as you can suck this tube yes tube dicks are tubes now everyone yeah that's my new year's resolution square it's the same thing yes yes i love getting square so if you guys are listening this is the square and tube challenge try for this entire year i love getting my tube soaked in some square pussy as square penis as tube for one year and uh if you make it through 2018 doing that we're going to give you a special surprise 2019 that's right but you gotta you gotta prove it to us that's

right um i think that uh my my new year's resolution is to set like more healthy boundaries in my life in my personal shut up bitch like what kind of boundaries just just create a no one gives a fuck boundaries are gay and so are you know i was i was saying today earlier i think you know when people say borderline retarded mm-hmm what side of the border is south of the border mexican mexican that's where we need to build a wall that's right in between retarded and not going to make the retarded kids pay for it wasn't that a song give me your twix i want the monetary value of your twix i think that um i think that's a good idea to wall off the retarded that's what they used to make sure people can't go that's why houses had addicts

in case god forbid you had a retarded kid you could send him as close to god as possible and shut that door feed him fish heads like the evil bart yeah that's why people thought that's why the whole idea of ghosts people are like they believed in ghosts oh it's like no that's your older brother with down syndrome he's been trapped under that sheet for three years he can't figure out how to get it off yeah yeah yeah well i'm hearing chains coming from the basement your father's like winston you stay away from the base that's where we keep the ice the lettered your brother Leonard powerfully born on the mexican side of the retarded boy i'm gonna miss you guys yeah i know yeah it's gonna be tough when you leave when you come back

to africa you can't do any of the cool voices i'm gonna do the voice that's the language yeah you're gonna get there you you get there i'm gonna tell them i just love my brother white ass dutch people move to africa and they're like we got it we make we're making up a language we're gonna call it oh let's call it african yeah offering but we're gonna throw an extra a in that mother yeah to make it even more black yeah like quons yeah we're gonna throw a fucking apostrophe in there yeah let's call it le pot le africa le africans uh fuck so that's dutch dutch people are the ones that moved afric yeah it was english and dutch and the dutch were the ones yeah the boars were there was a yeah there was a war between the dutch

and the english there were two of them okay the boar wars yeah the boar wars and actually the first concentration camps in the world where the british throwing the boars is adam's family invented yeah no they we were neither we were jewish we're british we're from eastern europe we're you were biden your time you're like these aren't these aren't good enough for us we're in south africa at that time for the boar wars but anyway and then the british once you're overseas financing them i think the british are coming once they left then the off reconners took over and then they established the apartheid region why the why the british leave because it was like a colony and they like gave they like they're like fuck this liberator the early like gave it

independence like when my grandfather fought in world war two he lived in south africa but he was fighting for the british for the british yeah yeah interesting yeah because it was part of it was a colony oh yeah that's why so that's a little history for all of the come town that's pretty cool um that's a pretty cool history that doesn't mention black people once well no those that's the history of the white the white people there i bet the black people in south africa were getting treated very chilly no no no no those guys that were in the concentration camps then left the concentration camps and then were mean to other people it's just a series of things i'm uh i'm pretty stoked about uh it's wild that that just i've been in a white country what i got the

fuck hot like isn't that the only one that it's like mostly white now or whatever or whatever no rhodesia was white too oh really not mostly it's not mostly white but like have a size was like a white country no it's still majority black that i mean that's why i was an apartheid because a minority controlled yeah this is what i mean by a white country i mean like white controlled they're real yeah white ruled yeah yeah yeah same with africa i mean like other parts of africa there's like do you ever think about wouldn't it be cool to go back in time and have a bunch of fucking guns and get to just like just just kill a race yeah yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah that'd be really cool no not oh you know like you'd be like a freedom fighter and

shit oh like what's up the black people in zimbabwe let's fuck these rhodesian motherfuckers up yeah that shit was fucked up and but like the people like macabre that's a very like young wigger fantasy to have yeah or not just black people even the jews i'm their hero my dad my dad got in trouble for i mean that's why we had to go eventually was because when he was in high school he thought that he was like a hippie and he went to go do like a humanitarian relief project in swaziland and then the secret police found out about it that he like yeah he was like put on like a potential like political enemies list that's crazy because like as soon as you got to america it became really racist yeah he was really woke back there that he came to america no my dad was like as like

a weird i don't know he like thought oj was innocent that's like the only white guy was innocent yeah your dad was rioting he was like so stoked when oj was just a south african man living in el los vegas being stoked about oj getting off for killing his wife and her boyfriend you know that rocks is really strange yeah um that rocks are gonna crack off but yeah it's gonna be weird but i'm gonna get you guys presents you know i'll get you some sick shit like what i want a mask dude i want a big i want the mask from the mask give me actually give me like a whole i'll get you some zulu kind of shit give me like a shit ton of mass and put them up on my wall yeah yeah i want like six or seven that's a certain type of rich make sure you bring me back a lot of seven

i don't want anything if you come back with nine masks or less i'm sort of bringing an extra suitcase to like for presents a mask mask i want every fucking one that they make i'm not look i'm a complete completionist well there's one every mask has ever been made in south africa there's one i'm really trying to keep that is right i'm trying to keep an eye out for this one mask that i want to bring back that makes you really good at like swing music yeah right yeah swing revival music it makes you stop being a pussy with camera ds yeah basically stop you get the fuck camera makes your head and give a big green stretchy dick too yeah yeah you could do like cartoon yo they never like they never addressed that but if his dick behaves like the rest of the mask body physics

the physics of his dick yeah he could stretch out his dick as big as he wants yeah that's true it's sort of like the end of uh the michael jordan spaceman yeah yeah he's like he realizes he's in the cartoon he stretches his cock feels like him yeah exactly in the camera ds's pussy yeah while the monsters are trying to stop him it's too big and you have to fuck guys and then you're like f a g g why smoke it do you think that movie holds up i haven't seen it in like 20 years yeah i used to watch that movie like every single day i loved it so much yeah i had the first like 15 minutes memorized that's crazy that's the worst part of the movie he's just getting a rental car and getting into an accident yeah you caused fucked up the loner and then i remember asking my mom

if we get a loner yeah when our car when we like when our car got fucked up she's like what the fuck are you talking about that word from the mask from the mask i thought it was and we just went to some bootleg greek people there's no fucking loner well if i can find that mask in africa i will definitely bring that would be awesome yeah that'd be cool what was the end of that movie did he throw it in a zoot suit i'll fucking should we get into zoot suits this year i'm not wearing a zoot suit i'm a tracksuit guy yeah yeah i'm also a tracksuit guy well i guess if you guys are gonna be tracksuit coordinated guys i might just get into my own thing yeah he's going to stop or starting long ass feathers you're not allowed to be on it that would be awesome on the wrestling team

means sovereign wrestling well you're gonna need someone in my way i have a singlet i can put it on right now maybe i'll go to will's maybe that's what you should wear that's a good look bro no joke that's a good look a singlet with a tracksuit singlet yes no i'm not even fucking around i might do that that rocks yeah okay yeah i will yeah i'm gonna start i signed up for crossfit today so i'm gonna start going to crossfit yeah singlet yeah isn't it a pee that's awesome you gotta take your shirt off to pee whatever man there's no shirt it's i mean you take the tank on top of it or you slide your cock out the bottom what the fuck oh yeah you just slide your fucking shoulders through the uh the top of the yeah dude it's yeah i mean it's a little bit more complicated than pulling

your dick out of sweatpants yeah not that but not by that much right not what sports are there what sports exist where you could pee and poop while you're doing the sport skiing skiing you pee you piss cross country uh olympic swimming laps yeah you could piss water polo it's cheating it makes you faster but yeah that's how felps won every race he shit the whole time he was shitting every time he did that little fucking loopy loop on trail yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah they cgi'd it out but he shit every dude that's baltimore legend right there you shouldn't pay respect pay homage yeah oh i know i remember his house and fells point i used to look at it he got i think that's the house he sucked off that trans woman or whatever what happened i don't remember look dude you gotta

get 10 000 calories one way or the other that's right you can't keep eating pop tarts every morning that's right he has to eat like a whole denny's menu yeah to like keep up the calories come and none of that diet shit yeah like you the what what you are i thought that he was married i can't call back not diet come yeah that's why not a lot of swimmers or cyclists are married to the pool he is married you guys remember boomer i'm sorry about being on the wrong side of the borderline Jesus oh yeah he's got a little did you see that movie there was a movie he enjoyed a couple burritos producer that's what happens if your mom eats too many tacos all your pregnant producer who whose dream was for michael phelps to play tarzan because of his proportions like he has a really

short lower torso and like broad chest and really long arms and he set up this like meeting with him like a general meeting and he was gonna like pitch it to him and like he said within five minutes he's like yeah i realized this guy is like a total fucking goon yeah completely retarded of course he's got no there's absolutely no way i could ever have him like yeah what happens the guy tried to suck phelps off exactly yeah and he was like please come into my limousine just watch me jerk off please let me suck you off please please my favorite character in the larry sander show is hanks agent the like 99 year old guy like jewish agent yo shots at the larry sander show that shows so good rules i've been watching the fuck out of it right now i love that i've been going

through it again it really holds up really nicely yep it holds up the way you do my brother bernie sander show everything about that that's a good one too about horny sand horny sanders yeah you said this the other day yeah i love getting pussy but you have to save some pussy for everybody else who horny horny would have won yeah i'm mad we didn't do that damn how did we miss horny sanders 18 months ago i know that would have killed during the primaries yeah that's that kind of smart political political humor that got us on top trevor trevor if you're listening and i know you are sign us someone sent me or i saw trevor trevor know i fucking idiot i saw someone tweet out like a bit of that trevor know it did i guess like a couple years ago about south african miners south africa did like a bit on

stage about he's like he's like yeah people are like why don't we use tear gas or rubber bullets like when does that ever work he's like we need to read you like basically the whole thing was about how he thought that they should kill those people protesting protesting what like poor conditions in a mine in south africa and like people are like uncomfortably laughing yeah no they're like uh-huh are you sure he's not being a comedian yeah no he wasn't no he wasn't saying it with any like like shred of like oh like i'm just like obviously this is reprehensible but how would you know you're not good at comedy yeah you kind of listen to an alien concept to you that's not true yeah i understand sometimes people say what they what they're saying is actually the opposite it's something called

sarcasm no you should i'll play it for you guys afterwards it's like it's really weird all right bye later later um now that sounds boring clown car chasm i do get that that's where you live you fucking bitch inside a clown car yeah that'd be tight if we got it with your best friends bozo and noodles noodles don't give don't give yourself nicknames that's right you gotta be given a nickname you fucking idiot um itch i got i was in one of those facebook groups those anti obama facebook yeah yeah yeah and there's some of your finest words some guy from like louisiana or something like something bled so and i was like your family is actually french clowns that came over to louisiana and he's like how dare you say that to me you know i was like everyone in in in your town has a

fort f150 except you who drives around a little tiny car with his family and he's like cope say that to my face my favorite thing you used to do in those facebook groups was just like after a couple exchanges you would just tell the guy you fucked his wife these fucking retards would never stop engaging you it was awesome tell people you fucked their wife for their mom it's the funniest thing it works every time i know every fucking time it's so full like foolproof uh fuck that shit's awesome i love telling people i fucked their wife dude no but seriously i did fuck your mom what yeah i fucked your i fucked your girlfriend adam oh yeah we all fucked i'm sure you have to find out first of all mid bit i told you can't get cucked if you tell your friends they can fuck

your girlfriend no it was before you told us we could no i told you guys immediately once we decided we were bfgf no i said just in case i have a girlfriend just in case you fucked her we already fucked her she's allowed to we'd already fucked her we'd already fucked it before the permission was given we did oh that's in fact as soon as you gave permission i had to call her and let her down easy that the fucking would no longer continue because now it wasn't against the law that's not true i only fuck illegally that's right you know that's five-year-old yeah i'm not even i fucking it disgusts me the idea of having sex with a child it fucking really makes me want to throw up but the law you want to fucking make something illegal dude look i tell him

it's a it's a plant you make it illegal you make it's how are you gonna make a plant illegal that's always penis is a flower it's in the air it comes from the earth it comes from it it's from the earth man i mean it's i certainly covered in dirt when i'm done with it it is natural honestly if you want to ban a little boy's body it comes out of that it's from the earth how you ban a five-year-old penis that's yeah it's a natural whatever smart buddy boys buddy boys buddy boy buddy more marital and that's true about after gaiger making guys that's i was saying earlier i was laughing earlier about the idea about is you know somebody doesn't know what a centipede is yeah i tell them it's

a pedophile that's fucked over a hundred kids that's good man they're like what's a millipede and you're like that's steven you don't even want it yeah damn so it's right uh people getting caught for rape is over now no it's gonna no it's over it seems like it's over dude papa john ended it by just quitting over racism by not being uh by not raping word yeah i guess but definitely people are still fucking children in hollywood right oh yeah by the way i'm a if you start your legions of skanks episode at nine fifty six and fifty five seconds p.m you can count down to twenty eighteen with the skanks nice imagine the guy doing that just stumbling out of his rubber covered room where his elderly parents are come on my louis said that

my can you help me can you help me do the clock my i don't know the clock but i won't want louis i won't want my louis show oh yes louis called me he said it's already midnight but i won't want the louis show no not tonight tonight louis said not tonight only good boys get to have breakfast with louis but he said if i don't go bathroom with my parents all day i can watch louis for for new year do you want your legion of skanks uh bottle opener for christmas or not remember that fucking thing dude that giant bottle opener that like attached to a wall

and even in the demo that they had on their website it fucked up the wall like they were fucking four fucking holes that they had clearly fucking cause uh we want to give a shout out to our sponsor this week the locking mittens they're mittens that lock so you don't scratch your eyes out while trying to use the bathroom this is great this is great for our fans when your mom's helping you go to the bathroom you're accidentally fall your own eyeballs out wow louis i said to get the mittens for me

oh can you get me the louis mittens not now scooter now now scooter now real ass dudes don't eat the cat shit scooter stop putting your penis in the pencil sharpener scooter if you're a real ass dude uh this is your bitch that's it no more fucking nilla wafers for you okay so like if a woman challenges louis to a fight he'll accept yeah if a mentally challenged person yeah challenges him to a fight he'll fight he'll fight like uh that's the only challenge that louis respects the mental challenge yeah to a game of connect four yeah louis louis getting 23 and me done to prove he has more chromosomes than a retard what's that fucking

tube dude i'll spit in it yeah it's like there's no way that retard has more chromosomes than me i'll kick his fucking ass and take those chromosomes away from him tube and square dude tube and square my friend i love getting square with my fucking tube just slipping my tube in square i love soaking my tube in some fucking square and she had a wet square fuck the edges dude they were sharp the edges of her square cut my tube up i love a bitch with a sharp ass pussy this fucking edge is my tube up you know oh man i love it just make fun of louis's show for big having a retarded audience let me go right back into the tube i'm like louis's dumbass show for fucking retard come town you can hear all about different names

for your tube different places you can stick that tube and soak it up in a nice edgy pussy you know i like you know like pussies 90 degrees 90 degrees 90 oh yeah 2017 man uh edge my shit up all right that's gonna do it we're gonna cut it a little short tonight good episode happy new year we gotta go to a new year's party at big dick willy's house oh yeah he's made fove for the whole family i can't wait yep we gotta socialize yes you if you want to hit the chapeau trap house red subreddit and call out will for culturally appropriating fove that's right for his white ass friends uh-huh or just hit the chapeau subreddit and call people gay yeah do that yeah actually rather do that it'd be pretty funny i'm sure that happens

oh for sure yeah you guys are scary scooter stop eating the glade plug-in scooter we smell good lose that i could smell like vanilla my look i got come on my pants just like louis just like louis go man my hero our shit is smart yeah it's a smart show guys thanks for listening to our smart ass show good night good night