The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 85 – fucking piece of shit computer

Episode Date: January 12, 2018

its just fucked up idk. its not my fault. featuring ian fidance

What was that stuff? You said gay mirror? Yeah, instead of black mirror. It's a show called gay mirror. It's like, you have a phone, right? But it's connected to your fucking brain by wires now, because it's the future. And you know, you get a text message and all of a sudden you have to suck a man's dick off. It's right. Crocky! What a great show. Yeah, I watched one episode of it, Elda's watching it, and literally there's not even like a metaphor. It's just like, the whole episode is a robot. Yeah, it's a whole episode is a robot. It's like a robot dog hunts a woman. Hold on, hold on. This fucking idiot,

Ian is holding a microphone that's not plugged in. Stop, give him yours. You're stupid. There you go. All right, Ian's talk? Yes. Okay, all right. Now we're cooking with gas here, fellas. Thank God Ian didn't have anything to contribute to that little black mirror riff. Yeah. That would have been a fucking disaster. Can you imagine if Ian would have ruined the riff gay mirror? Yeah. That would suck. Ian, make sure you actually talk into the microphone too. Yeah, why do you think it's so low, you dumb motherfucker? I don't want to hold it in my mouth. Pretend it's the gaping asshole of a man woman you've purchased outside of the Philadelphia airport. Yeah, stopping in for a trashy quickie on

the way to see your father's grave. You're like, dad, I'm so sorry. Just come leaking out of your mouth under the flowers. Left by the train company. Damn, dude, that sucks. Imagine your dad watching from hell every time you have sex with a man. That's what I thought. From train to hell. It was just in hell. The ghost train in hell that ran him over. How's it feel like Winston in Ghostbusters? How's it feel that your dad was killed by trains and now you're being bullied by an autistic man? The greatest irony, dude. That's a good black mirror episode. The trains they killed my father and now I'm being bullied by an autistic man. Who's into trains? It's the social commentary on trains. And now they're

bad. Brought to you by the automotive industry. How about that? I don't know. They seem to be really mad at apps on this show. There's other things to be mad at. I don't think apps alone are the only fucking problem. And get this, dude, black mirror, it's because your screen is black, but it's a mirror. That's right. Really? Yeah. It's fucking deep shit, dude. I thought it was because the show is filled with interracial situations, you know. Sexy erotic interracial situations. There was that hot ass one where it was like old ladies go fuck each other on a computer. In the dystopian future, like, well, obviously racism's not going to be a problem. We'll have that figured out. But all the solutions

we created for, like, I don't know, getting to the gym on time or going to end up killing you. Wait, wasn't there one episode called Black Gym or something? Or, like, the black one? If you was a gym, you're only black folks. It's like, I'm sorry, it's the strongest gym in the world. The loudest. The loudest, Jim. They let you lift weights with your shirt off at CrossFit. Whoa, nice. Fucking rules, dude. I just, I want to, I want to go to jail. I want to be in fucking prison. I just want to sit around with my shirt off, beanie, you know. Yeah, you would actually survive in prison. Well, yeah, because I like lifting weights. You like lifting weights. You could like playing

cards. You like to, you know, hang out with Nazis. Yeah, yeah. You know, figure it out. I'm sure I'd be all right. I couldn't. I'm soft. Ian would obviously thrive. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he's basically your dream. Is that, is that one of your, he's got a little sugar in his blood. I'd volunteer to get sold for cigarettes. Yeah, but you don't get to smoke any of the cigarettes. You know that. Oh, what a hell. Oh yeah, dude. How would you earn cigarettes? Sounds off. Well, let me tell you. Well, how about this, right? It's a future world where you have to get fucked in your ass for cigarettes. And it's because of the off phone. Oh, shit. It's because everybody's downloading candy

crush and then you got to get fucked in your ass for fags. Oh, that's true. They do call, they do call cigarettes that fags. So Ian, it's been a while since we've had you on come town. We just watched half an episode of the fourth season of black mirror. I didn't know there was a third season. Do you see a first season? I did. That first episode was wild. It's great. Yeah. The first episode, that's what happens. It's almost a trick that they, the first episode of the show was great. And then everything else is shit. Yeah. And then everything after that was just, you know, just, just nonsense. It's like, well, if your Wii was bad, well, that

was episode two is like, don't, Wii is bad for you. Does Mario come out of the thing and rape you? No, I don't know. It's the kid, it's the kid from get out and he's trapped in some world where, you know, he's like, I don't know, there's an economy based on fucking like points in a video game system, like World of Warcraft or some shit. Yeah, but it's like a whole underground prison. You know, it's the same shit every fucking episode. And then there was that one standalone episode with the lesbians. Yes, that's the one I was talking about. That was the greatest fuck on the internet. Yeah, yeah. And they're hot, too. Those two old ladies, the fuck,

when they're young, they're good to go. They're hot to trot. No, no, no, no. They're going to die and you put your fucking brain in a computer and they're hot. And then you fuck in the, it's like the fifties or something in the eighties, I guess. Then you fuck. Yeah, the fifties are the eighties. Very hard to discern which decade that was. It's the eighties. The reason I thought the fifties is because when I was, this is such a retarded reason, but because I just assume things about fuck, fuck, I got it. Hold on. If you're going in the past, if something was in, if the characters went to the past, it was the fifties. But because it's set in the future, they have to go back to the 80s.

Watch as we blow Stav's mind by letting him know that the 80s is also the past. But we are currently not living in the 1980s. It's a more recent past, though. You know what I'm saying? Stavros, who was born in 1989 and was alive for all 10 months. It's a more recent past. 1980s. That's what I mean. You guys know what the fuck I'm talking about. You boys get it. I don't got to explain it to you. I mean, you do. Anyway, you get it. It's fine. It's all there. Are you vaping in? What time? When would you go back to? If you could go back in time, what time period? At what age would you be in that time period? You'd be the same age now. You get in a fucking time machine, you go back. And you'd be like 30

and... Yes, you could. Well, I would be 20. You'd have to explain to your dad that you're older. Yeah, yeah. When you go back. Could we play catch? I don't know. Man, what a rude ass thing to do to Ian to be like, Ian, we're going to send you back in time right before your dad died, but actually we send him the second his dad gets hit by the train. That would be hilarious. Yeah, that'd be real funny. How about we do an episode where he's a guy whose dad was smashed to death by a fucking train. That'd be great. And he's going to go back in time to fucking meet the train or whatever. Trying to stop the train before... Talking train, like Thomas. Yeah, it's Thomas the tank engine. But he's too busy looking

at his fucking cell phone. And his dad dies still. That's right. That'd be hilarious. That would be pretty funny. You guys want to make that? Yeah, yeah. That actually would be funny. Any time, I guess, I don't know, I guess I'd do the 50s so I could be a professional athlete. Yeah. Because if you're just a fat guy, you could just be like a big strong... Everyone thought fat was strong back then. Yeah. If you lost a little weight, you could be like a... And grew a couple inches. You could be like a relief pitcher in the 80s. Not the 80s. I don't have the arm... I have a weak arm, but I could be a football player in the 60s. Yeah. I could have been that. Football player's like 230 pounds. You know

what's funny is you could have been a football player now if you had made better life choices. No, no. You can't go back in time to do things that you could do now. Yes, because it's easier to do them back then. Yeah, because things weren't as... Because not everyone advanced. Yeah. Maybe like if I'm going to go back to the 30s and fuck way more. No, it was harder to fuck. The 20s was when to fuck. Yeah. You fuck flappers and shit. I love that you don't know the difference between the 50s and the 80s, but you have an opinion on which to... Fucking get the 20s. You know the differences between fucking... Yeah, the roaring 20s. Everyone's fucking and sucking and speakeasies and shit. The 30s, the depression hits. Everyone's sad.

No one's fucking. No, everyone's sad, so there's more fucking to be done. You can't afford to go to the Nickelodeon. So what are you going to do? That's how they made so many people to go to war in the 40s and 50s because everybody was fucking in the late 20s and 30s. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Checks out. I would be the guy on the train on the way to the camps. It's like, you know, while we in here, it's like, we're the pussy. As long as we all in here together, we're the pussy. We're the pussy. We're the pussy. Yeah, I don't know. The 20s would be a good choice. They talk like that because they're from the ghetto, you know? The ghetto Jews talk like that. Yeah. No, we're from the hood. Lursing. The

worse. All right. Okay. All right. I'll see you. We're the pussy. Yeah. Oh, I see you. Okay, big, honey. You look at that way. Um, yeah, back to the 70s. Of course you. Yeah, because this year, you almost it makes it feels like you were transported here from the 70s. It was because free love people, they go crazy for trans. Everyone was everyone's doing crazy shit, but the technology wasn't there in the 70s. Right. But they were like suck off trans women. They weren't as hot as they are today. They were like basically it was dudes. And yeah, they were like computers in the 50s, like big clunky. That's right. That's right. Now they're like self another sexy. Yeah, you want to fuck me with tight

little computer. How about this? What if we do one where it's like the trans people have become too good? Oh, no one can resist them. And it destroys society. Wow. Because something you can have magic. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They've robot because you got a robot because you go to pay to fuck them. That's why which is so you and slide. The pussies are Wi-Fi. Oh, they're pussies are Wi-Fi. Trans women during South by Southwest, they turn fucking homeless people into Wi-Fi hotspots. What? Yeah, they were rounding up bums and putting routers on them and then put them in shirts that say like hi, my name's Clarence and I'm a Wi-Fi hotspot. No, no. Were they paying them? That's more horrifying than Black Mirror.

That's the funniest thing tech's ever done. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. Just like, you know, it's also a problem in South by Southwest, a lack of bathrooms. If maybe we could get some of those guys homeless people in the bathroom, right? Yeah. Just make them eat shit and drink piss. And look, they have nothing to do all day. They want they want that $4 a day. That's true. Well, $4 worth of Doritos credits. Yeah, yeah. You go to Doritos tent, get a couple of those tickets. Yeah. $4 for $4 credit for an app called Whisper. That does nothing. But it's, you know, it's pink. It's got a cool font. There's no R. There's no E. There's no E. There's a little blue penguin. Whisper. You know? Hell yeah. Actually,

I think that is an app that's sponsored South by. Oh, really? Yeah. It was like an anonymous confession app now that I think about it. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. Where you could type, you could type in any confession and then it would just broadcast everybody. So it was like an anonymous Twitter post secret. That's basically post secret. Remember that shit? Yeah. It's basically like an n word typing system. Yeah. Good job. We just, it's like an n word typing system. I don't know why like nobody thought for a second that like, who has any interest in that? No, it's fucking bathroom people. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, what are you getting accomplished? Well, how about this? We replace the constitution

with bathroom graffiti. Yes. Yes. What about Sahara? Ian, you had a good point to make about it. There was a new anonymous thing called Sahara that people were posting was like, say whatever you've ever wanted to say about me on my Sahara. Did anybody do it? So how was yours? I didn't do it. You didn't know. Fuck that. You're, you're on social media all the time. Not all the time. Yeah. I watched you like carefully editing a photo of yourself before posting it on Instagram the other night. Make sure you look good for all the people that can't wait to see what Ian's next post is. I'm dying to find out what's going on in the life of a 35 year old open mic comedian. Um, 33. What's this guy?

I feel like he's, he's about to blow up. Yeah. Yeah. He's the next comic in New York. On the photo. I think I'm going to, I think at the end of January, I'm going to get rid of it. You are absolutely no. No, no, I am. I can't why then why not right now? Get rid of what? Uh, Facebook and, and everything. Oh, no, you're not. I don't want to, I think yeah, I have to. It's too much, man. It fucking furiates me. I get so angry looking at it. So stupid. But you posted literally. I know. And then I get mad about it. Okay. It's not good for my mental health. But then how are people going to see shitty pictures of you doing a podcast? I'll figure it out. By the way, you haven't taken a single picture of

this. I'm kind of a, you're going to ask us for a picture. When I was younger, I used to take, I used to carry a Kodak and some out of camera around with me everywhere. My bedroom wall had hundreds of pictures of me. I liked that little gay kid for Moonrise Kingdom. Yes. Taking pictures. My dad's dead. My dad got smashed by a train. No, you faggot. I never fucking told anyone about that. Instead of the roast. You talked to your gay ass camera around your neck. You didn't have anyone to talk at you. You fucking loser. I wasn't a Japanese tourist. You're way near to Instagram camera. Everybody pose. I always took pictures. And now I just do it on Instagram. I like 19,000 pictures on my phone. Thanks for explaining

to us how Instagram works. You fucking brought it up. You piece of shit. No, I didn't. You fucking bring these points up and then I didn't bring up anything under the black. Yeah, you brought it up. I brought it up. But that's hilarious. I used to take pictures before phones. My bedroom wall is covered in pictures. The original Facebook wall. Why? Because I just liked that. I had pictures of all my friends and stuff I liked. I'd cut them out and put them on my wall, paste them up. Oh, that's cute. Yeah. People come over and look and be like, did I make it on the wall? No, it's actually just a bunch of like clippings from newspapers that are like another trans prostitute found dead at the train yard. Smashed

it down. I got my work. The trans train smasher strikes again. Train yard, Terry. Well, Ian, fill us in with your dating life, buddy. How's it going since the last time you've been here? Are you sucking and fucking left and right? Oh man. Someone told us a story about you shining a flashlight into a train or maybe just a regular hooker's asshole to make sure it was clean. That's wildly inaccurate. It was not a hooker. It was not a hooker. That's the first. It was not a hooker. It was a gentleman. I met off Tinder named Timothy. It wasn't a one hour rental hotel hotel room. It was and I'm a bit of a germaphobe. You know, I like to play safe. I want to make sure he didn't have any markings, you know, any markings

of the beast. Oh wow. It was very awkward having a man on all fours. I was expecting him like a gay gynecologist. You literally just looked into his asshole for cleanliness. Uh huh. It wasn't. Okay. Yeah. I would love that if that's what they call proctologists is gay gynecologists. That was the name of that medical profession. I'm a I'm an H-O-M-O-B-G-Y. Oh shit. Yeah. Yeah. Who told you that, Evan? I don't remember. I think it was me because you told me that. The flashlight thing. I think I probably conflated that in the story about the hooker in the like whatever that hotel was near in Inglewood near LAX. Oh yeah. Yeah. That was bad. I suppose at Nakano Lodge. Yeah. It was next to some abandoned

like laundromat that I thought she was in and I'm like knocking on the door and it was a wrong one. You were just gonna fucking an abandoned laundromat. I mean I was in a bad place. But today I'm not living that life. When I want to act out. This was like four weeks ago. It was a couple days ago. Before I got here. Literally how long ago was it? A couple months ago. We're all works in progress. We're all working on it. You know. You know. If it ain't booze and drugs it's fucking you know motel hookers and I'm not doing it. So you're clean on everything? Yeah. Wow. Yeah man. Is it a real struggle? Wait why are you quitting trans people though? I'm not quitting trans people. Quitting prostitutes.

That's kind of transphobic to equate trans people with your horrific alcoholism and cocaine abuse. No it's not. Yeah it is. No you're wrong. They're human beings. Not to eat. They're not a problem. Not to eat. They're fuck toys. Yeah they're little fuck toys. I wind them up and fuck them. No because it's an act of acting out. Like when something goes bad or I feel certain when I start going on the fucking internet or whatever and I'm cutting that out because that's like some form of escapism. Escapism. If it wasn't that it was I'd fucking go and use. Escapism. Have you ever heard of PlayStation? Maybe you can't watch a movie. Nah I was going to buy a PlayStation but I was like nah I'm just going to read

a book instead. Yeah you know what I do sometimes is I play Settlers of Catan with my friends. Y'all not a bitch man. Yeah. So what's the closest thing you have to a vice now? Coffee and cigarettes? You still smoke cigarettes? Yeah. And I'm planning on going to quit that but it's fucking hard. Yeah. Yeah you can't quit everything at once. I know. You're going to have a blowout. Oh yeah. I tried to do that years ago when I got out of rehab. I was fucking working all the time. I was working for a company and then I was doing side jobs on the weekend and I quit smoking. I quit coffee. I quit drinking. I quit drugs and I fucking passed out at work and had to go to the hospital.

I just was like run up too much. I'd pass out from exhaustion. Wait wait wait you quit everything and you were just. Yeah so instead of just like being normal I threw myself into work. So I was working construction for a company and then after work I was doing side jobs and on the weekend I was on tiling houses and shit. Because you didn't want to be alone for even a second with your thoughts. Yeah. Before you start dreaming of beautiful golden brown. I mean it's a shitty neighborhood up here and everyone's an asshole. I don't know what I mean. Please don't. Don't. Yeah. Also nobody knows what you mean. Yeah no one knows what you mean. And stop using your stand up crutches on the podcast. Yeah. Excuse you.

Yeah. Stop making me pull out this mustache comb. Yeah. Do you do that on stage. You pull out the mustache comb and you never have. No. A couple times. No. No. No man. Dude that time that fucking thing in LA freaked me out man. Is that the last time you've been with a sex worker. No. The last time some chicks living room and fucking their sister's living room in bedside. How recently. A couple months ago. OK. But some chicks sister's living room. Dude I got this. I fucking. Yeah. Yeah. She she her sister was asleep in a room and we're just like in her living room and fucking I found her on the Internet. Back page. I caught her up. Got a price hung up. And then I was like no no don't do this. Don't do this. So

I texted her was like hey look I'm sorry I have to cancel it. And she called and yelled at me. And after like talking to her for like 20 minutes I was like OK fine. She like bullied me in the coming over you in there. Put that coffee down. Your piece of shit. Coffee's for a little asshole. Your piece of shit. I was like I'm trying to work on myself. No that's not how you treat people. I'm gonna put your number on and people are people gonna know you a scumbag. I would love it if it was just some Jack Lemon sleazy pussy salesman that was fucking like please I need this. You don't know how bad I need to get right now. I need the twenty dollars. You need the pussy. Let's do it. Let's make this work. Let's make some

kind of deal happen here today. So how did that a sexual encounter go then if you were going into it like reluctantly or did you work yourself up into it. No I totally like mentally bullied myself into doing it. Like it like truly showed just how like addictive it is and not even like. You got to hold the mic closer to your fucking face. Not even like a fun thing. Like it wasn't fun. It was like I was doing a job. You know what I mean it sucked. How much that set you back. I fucking talked her down to a cool hundo. Talked her down to a hundred. Hundo. What was it initially. It was like 150. Is she real hot. No. No God no. Whoa. Why don't you tell us about Monio. Oh really. That's rough. Not that Vlad's an

unattractive man. But as a woman. Yeah. Like Vlad with the pussies. What we're talking about. It'll be great. She calls her ass a pussy. I see what we're dealing with here. They also had like. I'll clean her up a lot. Vlad's mannerisms. What's that. How you doing Poppy. You having a real good time. Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah. If you want to fuck my ass go ahead. She's just going to act out about her parents. Growing up in the Bronx. I run the Bronx. It's very good to see you Ian. Hey brother. How you doing. She kept calling me brother. Yeah. He's he's got like a pastor quality to him. He really does. Politician even kind of. He's funny dude. Yep. That's probably why Ian bought that woman that looked like him. Yeah. It's

weird that you want to fuck women that look like Vlad. Dude. Does he know that about him. I didn't want to do it. It wasn't a. It's just Ian fucking like the trans version of Derek Gaines. Oh you ain't never seen a trans woman before. Everybody's fucking my ass for $30. I asked for a hundred. He Jews me down to 50. Go to suck my big fat wing. Come on man. Don't make fun of his bitch. That's fucked up. Let's fuck off dude. Fuck off. Come on dude. What are you doing out of here. Don't you have respect for the craft. Yeah. I mean it's not making fun. It's an homage. A homage. A homage. Whenever you make one it's a homoage. A homoage. You see that movie The Craft. Uh-uh. Stop doing that.

There's horse calling noises. That's Kramer. You're just doing Kramer by the way. Stop doing that. Ian just did an act out everyone. Yeah. You guys don't do a live feed. Yeah we do. A live feed. No. I'll probably even forget to upload this tonight. Yeah. Probably. We don't even do a regular feed. Good. Fuck dude. What movie did you just see Nick? You said something. I didn't see. Just see something. You said The Craft and then I was trying to figure out which direction this conversation is going to go for the next five minutes before we take a break. Okay. And I said have you seen The Craft. Yes. No. Of course not. Feathered stiff as a board. Yes. Yeah. Dude what do you think was the hottest in The Craft. Farooza

Bulk. Yeah. Yeah. Do you like her in American history? I like her in everything like ten years, fifteen years ago. Farooza Bulk. I guess twenty years ago. Holy fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Now who the fuck doesn't know what time is and what decades are which. Huh? You motherfucker. I go back in time and watch The Craft. Now who doesn't know the eighties from the fifties. You. Dickens. Just you. And only you. Yeah. She was so hot. I rewatched Lost Soul, the documentary about that Richard Stanley, Island of Dr. Moreau. It was just like a complete failure. Oh yeah. With Brando. Yeah. It's a great documentary with Brando. It's a funny ass movie to watch too. What the actual Island of Dr. Moreau. Yeah. But the documentary

is great but Farooza Bulk's in it and she just looks like shit now. It's a shame she had to age. I don't know why women do that shit. Yes. I know. They should do like. She's got to stay twenty three. I don't know like what you got in your head that you need to be fucking forty two all of a sudden. It's weird. I was with her in the water boy. Why cause she didn't have a penis. She had a fat hog. The girl in the water boy. Yeah. Oh she was hot as shit. Yeah. She looks bad now. I mean I was joking around. She's messed up man. I mean she looks like an older version of herself. I would smash. Yeah. I think I did beat off to her in the water boy. There's a thing. I think there's a you could see her

nipples in a nice. You can in American History X is the first scene in the movie. Yeah that's right. She's like riding them. No he's fucking they're fucking on the side. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. And it's in black and white because it's a memory because get this dude. Just like real life. Everything's race. So black and white. Yeah. Who is that Singleton John Singleton American History X. Is it. I think so. Yes. I mean yeah you're beating off to black and white. It makes you smart dude. Yeah I do artsy. Yeah. Charlie Chaplin. Yeah. I beat off to Charlie Chaplin all of that. Beat off the man raised entire portfolio. I go to the art museum and I jack off. They're like what are you doing. I'm like I'm a donor. I'm in

the golden circle. I'm sorry that you can't appreciate art on my level. You fucking Charlotte and hell yeah I love being off to Ed Sullivan. Yeah look fucking posers go to the art museum turtle neck fucking boat shoes. Real men go to the museum completely nude. I want to be as vulnerable as the artists themselves. So true man. Fully hard. So fucking. Shitting taking. Shitting while coming. That's right. This is beautiful. Now I'm an artist also. You literally could get into a museum doing shit like that. That's that's beautiful while shitting. That could be what a commentary. Of course. That's I'm going to. You know what you know you could probably get away with and this is going to get a lot of people mad

at me. But you could probably like violently rape Marina Abramovich at gunpoint in public and then people will be like this is the thing she's doing. She's like stop somebody help me. You're probably right. This broad daylight. And now that I think about it you could probably do that with almost anybody. Didn't they do that to rape in general in this country. Didn't Shia LaBeouf have a thing where he's like come in this room in this country and touch me wherever you want. Oh yeah. In this world. Yeah. Huh. Didn't that happen with Shia LaBeouf. He says he got raped. He says he got raped. Yeah. But that's the fucking dream. You know you just put a bag on your head and somebody sucks your dick off. And

then you don't even know you're gay. Yeah. Are you harder than usual. Yes. Yeah. You don't you have no action here. So just come and join the inside of this bag. It smells like Lunchables. I had a couple of snacks in here earlier. Yeah. You're thinking about that good lunch you had while you're getting fucking nuts sucked. Ian do you suck trans balls. Well I'm a fucking gentleman. So yeah. I'm not a fucking asshole. That's what gentleman means. That's what I think of a guy at the top. Would you like a ball. Suck. Yeah. With his monocle stuck to somebody's asshole. Because he's got his mouth completely wrapped around. Yeah. Motherfucker. Sometimes they don't have balls. They get the surgery. Oh

really. Yeah. What's your percentage of. Now what's the surgery for that. You just put like a heavy rubber band around there until they fall off. That would probably happen. No that would work. If you have if you get a if you get like you know the little rubber bands they have for braces and you stretch it out and put it around your nutsack and then let it close on your nutsack. They fall off. Eventually. Yeah. They would just it'll just it'll cut off the circulation. Balls will be reabsorbed. So cool because you get to level up like in a video game. Yeah. It sounds like a great bit. Let's hear this. Give us their life. Definitely not a bit. You've run it open. I never said that before

you piece of. Did you hear that little guys rewind that list of the little Laffy and gives himself right after he says the premise. That's good. Go ahead. Finish. No it's just you get different surgeries and you you got things to look forward to. All right well we're going to take a break and we'll be back in a minute. Okay everybody it's break time you know what that means. It means it's time for me to tell you about a brand new underwear company. They believe in smart design premium fabrics and simple shopping. I'm talking about Mac Weldon.com the simplest online underwear shopping experience you could ever have. I went on their website. It was easier than Amazon who I'm currently in a feud with as

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because I'm an athlete but you know if you're a more casual guy you like to you like to take your time at the gym put on a pair of Mac Weldon underwear, sweat it in a little bit it'll suck the odor out and you can take it out on a date later with you know some woman from the internet or whatever. So go to Mac Weldon.com and get 20% off using promo code COMTOWN that's C-U-M-T-O-W-N Mac Weldon.com thanks. Well during the break we listened to Ian's joke that he wanted to run by us and it's terrible. The whole apartment exploded and laughed at. Yeah what were you saying it's like trans people get to level up. Being trans is like

a video game because. Shut up that's pretty fucked up to you know to minimize their existence like that man. Yeah. Yeah I don't care. Fuck you. What? No it's you they uh it's not you yeah there's tons of surgeries. We're just busting your balls. Oh I know. If you give me in. Shut up. Seven seconds of silence you'll just nervously start to feel it. You're fucking in front of my bed. No it worked the other day at Pinebox. So what were you saying it's like a video game. You choose your character. I love having nuts personally I think it's fun you know they're out there. If you were born with three would you get the extra one removed. Fuck no. Fuck no. First of all you'd have probably more powerful loads. Actually

you wouldn't. Really. You would have three lazy balls. Oh really. Yeah. So are you saying if you have one nut you have a more powerful load. Yep. Wow maybe I use. Also the power of the load is determined by like how much cum the prostate makes. Interesting. The balls only make the sperm. Yeah the prostate is where it's at. Yeah. Really. So they come up so the sperm comes out of the nuts and goes into your ass. Comes out for a bit. Comes out of the prostate. Yeah. That's why there's so much cum in my ass. Yeah. I go to sleep and I wake up every morning and there's a nice fresh. Yeah. And I guess that's my own cum. What about the vast difference. What's that. This is the tubes that carry the sperm

from your testicles into your prostate. Nice. So how do I get a nice fat load. How do I shoot powerful loads. Can you do. Probably jack off less. Okay. Jack off less and then there's some things you can do with your diet. Like what. I think it was. I mean I know pineapple makes your cum taste sweeter but I think it was like. I think olives make your cum shoot out faster. Yeah. You ever swallow a load so big. Well somebody's fucking your mouth per se. And they come so much that you vomit because it's too much cum and you become disgusted and it's no longer sexy. No. No. When I was younger. I've grown up a bit. It's not really for me anymore. Oh you don't swallow anymore. No my younger years. But that's not me. Wait

do you not. You don't swallow anymore. That's not what a gentleman does. A gentleman swallows a load. You know it's funny when if I'm with a trans chick I will but if I'm with a dude no. Interesting. Interesting. Yeah. It's all it's all out the window when you're having heterosexual lol sex. Yeah. Yeah I'm all about it but when it's with a guy I'm not a dirty bag when you're going away with me being straight. Big asterisk. Big addendum is just like I'm so glad I'm not gay. I'm going to go watch the game with the fellas. Oh fuck. That's so gross. Yeah. I know I got to say I've mentioned like wanting to doubt you know. Did my dip my toe in the pool. No. No. That sounds pretty gross because it's the whole package. You

know it's that you it's not just like hooking up with trans prostitutes it's like the dad being smashed by a train. Like the impact that had on you. Sure. Because I feel like if you had if you had had a normal life. Yeah. You would just be a gay man. Yeah probably yeah. Yeah. Yeah but there was so much shame and like fucking guilt and everything associated with it. No it's not there was there still is currently is currently all of those. Like if you went into a therapist's office it would be like look I don't have time for this shit. I want somebody with a normal problem. You have like a Maltese that died. You know maybe you didn't get a fucking raise at your job. I can't handle dad smashed by train and I get

raped by half women in the fucking economy outside LAX. I'm only one man therapist. You need an army. Yeah. A team of therapists. Yeah. I got a man. I got a whole harem. Do you fuck your therapist. No. Do you want to. No. Have you ever had a therapist you wanted to fuck. Yeah this guy named Charles. Really. No. I wanted to fuck my therapist in Baltimore. The chick therapist. She was a chick. How old was she. She was maybe mid 30s. She had some tickles. She was very cute. She was very nice to me. Yeah. What were you talking about with her. Mostly shit about women. Like I was trying to get over all my hang ups. Was it like mother stuff too. You ever see the movie The Prince of Tides. No. It's a

movie about a man that fucks the therapist. Barbara Streisand and Nick Nolte. Nick Nolte's sister kills herself so Nick Nolte goes up to get her shit and he meets Streisand who is her therapist and then she starts counseling him sort of and then he admits to her that he was raped by prisoners when he was 10. These prisoners that like came into their house. Damn. That's the only part of the movie I remember. I remember watching it with my mom. There's a scene where a boy gets raped and I was like eight or something and I'm like. And it excited you. I was like why are why are we watching this. Yeah. Yeah. She's like I don't know. Interesting that sort of stuck with you honey. Yeah it was like it

was horrific to why. I didn't know because I didn't know what a man could be raped until I saw that movie. That was I remember that was like the first time. Why because you blocked out memories. What do you mean. You were raped. Oh that's hilarious dude. Ian that's kind of what I was doing too but I was being a little more subtle about it. You know what I mean. Yeah. Well we have such a fucking understanding of like a nuance. You have like such great like. I didn't think I got what it deserves so I just thought I beat it over the head. You know this is this. Ian I've used this phrase before it's theater of the mind. OK. So this is for the listener. You know. I eat something. Let them do the do

the math or whatever. I'm fucking hungry shit dude. I haven't eaten shit all day. I had food poisoning bad. Yeah. I've been eating either. I had like a bunch of blueberries and a pulled pork sandwich and some brisket. That sounds delicious protein shake but I haven't eaten. Where'd you get that barbecue from. This place called the smoke joint that delivers here. That's like the only Bushwick. I don't know where it is but it's great because it's like the only reasonably priced barbecue in in New York. Shit. All the barbecue here is like four forty dollars. Yeah you pay so goddamn much for barbecue here. Damn I could I would tear the fuck up. I would treat barbecue like trans prostitute treats Ian's asshole

right now. Try to eat it and then fuck it with mild disgust. With mild disgust constantly reminding myself I need to do this to get bigger tits. We got to do. We got to work the road. I guess I'm doing. I'm doing. When Adam goes back we have to plan the tour. I'm doing that house of blue shit. It was fun. Shouts out to the South Shore boys. I'm doing it. I know I'm saying it was a great show. It was fun. Yeah but I'm saying I'm doing it. February 23rd. Nice. At the house of blues where I will be doing this. Everyone go see Nick my good friend. No everyone go see me. I don't care about Stov's friend. Let's make this about me again. Yep we've all played that place and I think it's very

fun. We made $32. I'm saying we got to get in Austin. You only made $32? Ian did. I made a nice amount of money. I didn't do a door deal. But you're subtracting the price of the women that. I had a girl get us a hotel room that night. Stop doing that sound. I know. And he's making a dumb face by the way. That's how much Ian hates bombing. He's got so many even in conversation. You got so many tricks. I don't understand were we supposed to be impressed by that. A 33 year old man had normal sex. Girl. Check this out. Boobs felt like sand. How was it were you disgusted feeling a pussy or. Yeah I power through. Is it too loose for you. Because you fuck asshole all the time. I mean I just like it

all dude. I don't know. What's wrong. He's like I don't know. It's just not the same. Could you put some shit in there. Can I shit in your pussy. I want. No but I love you. She runs out. Not again. Dude I went skydiving and before we jumped out the guy was like we like to tell jokes to kind of make everyone loosen up before we jump out the plane. This guy goes how do you get a gay dude to fuck a chick. No. Shove shit in her pussy. That's the last joke we hear before we die. That was the joke. That was the joke that the instructor and he goes he goes how many how many guys how many gay guys fit at a bar four on each stool. We're like oh I've heard that one. What is the matter. I gotta be on a tandem

skydive with this guy. What do you mean you have to be you signed up for it knowing you'd be strapped to another man. Yeah but I didn't know he's going to be telling us that is wild that the instructor said that. He was in Allentown Pennsylvania. Which makes sense. Well we're living here in Allentown. How do you get a gay guy to fuck a woman. Well you take a shit in her pussy. Four gay guys. One bar stool. Now we're going skydiving with Ian. And he's hoping the guy fucks his ass. And then the parachute doesn't open and he gets to die with a dick in his ass. Well we're living here in Allentown. That was beautiful. Thanks man. Yeah. Shout out to BJ the fucking King Joel. Yeah. Yeah I've taken a hard 180 on

sweet beautiful Alexa Rachel. Oh yeah. Is she a girl now. Yeah I follow her on Instagram. She's cute as hell dude. Wow. I was absolutely wrong. Wow. You didn't think she was hot. But now I remember seeing her like 15 years or 10 years ago or whatever and it was a girl Billy Joel. Yeah and she does still look like. She does still look like him but she's figured it out you know. And she seems well adjusted too for being Billy Joel's daughter. So Eminem's daughter is. She's well adjusted. She seems hot too. What do you mean she seems it. You know from our talks. What information are you basing that off of. I read some fucking Eminem is Ian's favorite rapper because his name describes Ian's favorite sexual orientation

on Craigslist. Hell yeah dude. Yeah. I was a mouthful but you got it out at the just the right time. Yeah. You ever look up Craigslist in like different towns. It is spooky. No. No I don't even look up Craigslist in the town I live in. Yeah. No. No. I always do it for shits and giggles. You write shits and giggles. You've never. Some research. Met up anyone. It's all craigslist. No I never have. Shits and giggles is the name of a gay clown that Ian pays to rape him. That's a great one but hold on. Craigslist scares you. Regular sex with prostitutes off of backpacks. Well that scares me too but Craigslist is like a different tier of. It's a different world we live in. Where you come from. Shits and

giggles. Yeah. Hey it's me. I've got the seltzer bottle filled with cotton. He just keeps pulling scarves out of me and ties together multicolored condoms as abracadabra. Yep. That's the clown. That's right a clown. Abracadabra. Fucking hell. I'm disgusting. Nah dude you're not. I mean you are but yeah enough for that. Yeah. For other things of your life. Man coffee doesn't work on me anymore man. How many cups you up to a day. I've actually cut it way back down. I didn't have coffee for. Well that's not true. You know what it is. I went fucking nuts yesterday. I went to Dunkin Donuts like four times. You love going to Dunkin. Dude Dunkin's great. Getting that almond. That toasted almond. Yeah and I love seeing

those Indian guys. They always have such a great attitude. Like I placed my order yesterday and I was like let me get a toasted almond. I was like you know what never mind let me get a regular medium hot coffee. Just cream no sugar and he goes oh do you want toasted almond. He's like come on it is my favorite one. He's like you are afraid. He's like you cannot handle the toasted almond. I'm like I like your style. Thank you. You fucking muslin piece of shit. That's right. You fucking. You did 9 11 and you have the audacity to tell me I got the wrong fucking cup of coffee. In my mind I died in those towers. A hero and not a guy that fucking works for stamps.com. Answering the phone is stamps.com. I'm a I'm

a first responder. In my mind. I don't live this bullshit existence living with my mom in Rigo Park. Hey man don't shit on Rigo Park. You know they got good apologies to Rigo Park. And don't take down Rigo Park. Beautiful. Beautiful ass Rigo. I love those places where they were like they're like well this place is gonna be a shit hole so let's not put any thought into the name. Yeah fucking you know Placeville. I love Placeville. Middletown. Yeah. Middleton is a weird one. Middleton. Yeah that one's a bullshit. Yep. What's another game. Main street town. I like Main Street. It's the Main Street. State road. That's good. I like those old towns with the little like village Main Street. You laughing. No I'm

having your immediate 180 on the on little towns. No I like them. I do like a nice Main Street though you know there's only eight stores in the whole town but they're all there within a couple of months. Yeah it's all antique shops. It's somehow like they get all the necessities and then an antique shop. Yep. And all those all those places all those like small towns. There's always one micro brewery. Yeah. There's one bar where all the people with tattoos go to hang out in that town. Yeah. And then you probably get sucked off of that bar man. You know. No I'm not my type. An American Legion. Oh yeah yeah. VFW home. So there's between that and VFW. Well once for veterans and the American legions for like

I guess people that were friends of friends of veterans. I've been to an American Legion hall. Like you're allowed in my scottie. Somebody had to bring me but yeah it's fucking it's stupid. Your scott band. What was it called. Sock full of pennies. Yeah man. P. E. N. N. Y. Z. Oh shit. Sock full of penis. Yeah that's right. You know that spells penis right. Yeah dude. That's why we spelled it Y. Z. No it is not. People say penis. Don't don't don't pretend that's the reason why I joined the band after they named it. Sock full of penis. Not my problem. It's named after the socks you beat off into. Hey man. We ruled the Legion hall. Yeah. Ian used to. That was his nickname because. Sock full of penis. You still like

to suck off guys through a tube sock. You have to work even harder to suck the cum through the leg. Through the fabric. Well it's not gave it's through a sock. Yeah it's like you know it's like fucking. It's like when you're on deck and you warm up you put the weight on the bat. Yes. Yes. Yes absolutely. You put the sock on the dick so you have to really work hard to get that sweet load from a woman's penis. Now you edit this out if you're not comfortable but didn't you tell me you fucked like the mascot in high school or something like that. No you fucking retard. No it was the school dog. Yeah. No seriously didn't you. No I didn't fuck the mascot. Yeah no he's what he said he beat off to the Philly

Phenatic. Philly Phenatic raped your ass in his nose. He put his fucking nose in your ass. Shot a shotgun in my ass. Fuck. You think you take a whole t-shirt cannon in your ass. So are you think about settling down Ian you know what do you think man. You can't live this you're 40 years old. You can't be living this life forever man. Ain't gonna have this hairline forever man. That beautiful hair. You look like Krusty the clown. Yeah that's the problem. Is that you have too much hair. Yeah it's just the wrong haircut. Yeah I mean eventually one day but I don't want to right now. What settle down. Yeah. The nice you know Jewish trans girl. Yeah like a computer programmer type of trans. Yeah. This is the

right time man I mean it's I feel like it's being accepted more you're exactly you know you're a model husband for trans women. Yes. You probably will marry a trans woman. I don't think I want to get married. I don't know. Oh no but not I'd want to settle down but not. I don't know. It's not what I'm thinking about right now. I got you. Have a fun doing what I want. I like doing like doing Mike's and you know like you fucking getting on bar shows. I just hope to film in New York in 1999. I'm doing Rafiki's next week. Were you here during 9 11. No I came two years after. Yes. Were you. No. No I mean stop both moved here like no no I thought you lived in New York at some point. No no no. You got family

in New York. Yeah yeah yeah family here. Yeah I came in like yeah I didn't even make I've been here three years almost three years. Two and a half three. Yeah I guess it's been I don't think about it's been. You've been here almost five. Yeah because you were here a while before I was. Yeah. Yeah. I moved back in 2012. Man time flies. I know it is fucking I've lived in New York longer than I like I think of myself as like an Austin guy you know because that's where like my career started happening but I was only in Austin like you know not long totally. Yeah. Because it was when you were like young as shit to I mean when we met you were what 23 we were what how old were we 23 24. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah

it couldn't have been that long. Yeah. Damn dude that's wild. Yeah. Fuck. Well at least I'm not 33. Yeah. I'm also famous. But yeah you're becoming famous by being part of the come town family. Yeah. That's right. I always wanted a real family. That's right. Yeah. You go dying on me. No promises. Yeah. I'm gonna keep living a beautiful life. Yeah. I mean stop just as a joke or get smashed by trains. It would be a funny bit. Yeah. Relive my child. We'd have to get much closer. And then I would consider it. Yeah. Why don't you get really close to Adam actually. Yeah. Two birds one stone. Yeah. It would be funny if Adam got smashed by a train or by like a Hot Wheels car. I feel like that could also

happen. He's got the proportions to get smashed by by a micro machine. He gets trapped in what are those things called connects. They're like the fancy. Yeah. Like what the fuck were those. They were similar to Legos. It was like a building with the track. What was the thing that you build it like you built like a fucking. Oh with the Ferris wheel or this were connects. Legos connects. Yeah. They're better than Legos because they were easier. Were they. Yeah. Sort of. I mean there was less ways they could fit together as mostly like it was too fucking stupid. Legos and connects. I remember I couldn't figure out Legos but yeah. I didn't have any problem. Yeah. People were building like death stars

and shit like big like crazy shit with Legos. Yeah. How the fuck do you do. I have no idea. You make the gun and you point it. Exactly. You point it at other kids until they take the gun. They take the Legos away or you make a dick. You make a crude ass blocky ass dick. And that's it. You find peach colored Legos. Yeah. She ruled. Damn. That's how you do it. You make the penis. Oh yeah. All right. We got eight minutes left fellas. What are we going to talk about Ian you're gay. Yeah. Honestly we've done a pretty good job calling Ian gay for 50 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. We could go eight more I believe in you. No. No. We're going to we're going to talk about politics. Oh how about this shit. Do you see that fucking

they're making a Zach Braff is making a podcasting TV show. Why. He's just he's I saw the trailer it's so fucking I hope Zach Braff makes a noose and puts it around his neck. Dude it's so fucking little dick and looking. He's like he's a guy who's got a good career. Two kids and a wife and he quits it all to start podcasting. And his wife's like we have everything tied up in this. This has to work. Imagine being such a fucking rich moron that you think anyone does this out of passion. Right. We did it because we were like bored and going to kill ourselves. Like we were so depressed and it was like I guess we'll do a gay ass podcast. No one's like this is going to be it. People need to hear me talk and it's like he just

wants to do a pot. I don't know. He's like recording his family. So he does a podcast. Then what. Where's it going to go. I don't know man. He joins gas digital and says the n word. Yeah. That's yeah dude. We got fucking Jack Braff on. We're going to make him fight a woman. It's like crashing. That would be funny if you did every like big podcast like on Rogan. We'd have him here. Zach open invite. Yeah. Zach if you want to talk to real just men down in the fucking podcast minds. That's right. That's right. The salt of the earth. The guys that are really earning their calluses holding these mics. Yeah. Why don't you come on down to the come town studios. That's right. At the top of the empire. That's right. We've

overtaken. We've we bought it from Kumi. Oh yeah. Compound media is no more. We've we've surpassed them. That's right. Both in revenue and in racism. I don't know. They're doing their part for the second part. Yeah. They're really working hard. Yeah. No. I don't know about that. I'm going to out do them. All right man. Say a couple of years. Ian you say because you're not technically a host. Yeah. You're not on the show. Oh I can get away with whatever I want. Wait. Do we want to be giving a platform to violence. No. Let's silence Ian. Yeah. Let's unplug his mic for the last five minutes. I just cut Ian's mic and it's because he was saying the n word. So if you're out there listening make sure

you know I was trying to call your cat. Yeah. Hey man. Yeah the worst kind of cat calling a cat the n word. That's what I thought everyone was mad about. I should just change the name of my cat. I had no idea to have to do with talking to people in public which I don't do anyway. So I will go back to calling my cat the n word. Thank you. Have you ever cat called anyone. Ian I feel like you have as a joke but. But you were being serious also. No. As it when I was younger like as a joke around my friends like make them laugh. You would suck the cocks. Yeah I would just like jerk. I would do it as a teenager for sure. Yeah as a teenager but then like you get to a certain point you're like oh this

is fucking bad. Like this is making someone feel weird. You know I have friends of mine to do and I'm like you get to stop. What's stupid. Out of curiosity what race are these guys. The fun guy. The musical kind. What gay. Give me that ass. Are you trying to say jazz. No it's just the reason you don't do it is not because it makes people feel bad. I think like sometimes it makes people feel good. I mean there's a certain type of it that's shitty obviously but. Yeah there's that. You don't do it because it's fucking like you're an adult and you're you know you should be leaving the house to go do whatever you're fucking. You shouldn't be yelling. I mean I never did it because I'm a good

ass guy and not because I was a pussy when everyone else was cat calling. Yeah so I mean that's the only reason you do it is because you are a pussy and you live in fear and like you want to impress your black friends. Right right right. You. Sound familiar. Yeah very. No I never did it. No it's. Yeah no I remember I remember specifically one time when I was like 15 and I was like like hey what's up to like some girl and she was like hey and she like came over and talked to me and I was like oh I gotta go. I have to go come in my pants in the bathroom. I didn't like drunk leaving a party in college. I was like hey the love doctor called. She was like what I was like never mind the love doctor made

my friends laugh. I was like oh wait you didn't go to college. Yeah you went to NYU dude you went to NYU fucking graduate. You graduated. They fucking made a mistake. Wow. How much debt do you have. Well you know enough for me to try to suck people off to make some money. That's true. But you spend money on that. Yeah it's a horrible process. Hey man you guys spend money to make money. Spend money to make money. Little capital. You're trying to start your dick sucking business. You know you're doing a little research. Yeah. Little R and D. Research and dick suckle. Dick suckle. So I had a buddy that got me out of the train because he's like hey I like your coat and

she ignored me. It's like what's your problem. I was like you're fucking a stranger talking to someone. You don't know the kind of day they had. He's like nah man it's fucked up. You don't know what kind of day they had. Yeah dude sometimes you don't know if you talked to someone and they're fucking angry they had a bad day. They just found something bad out you know. I don't know. I don't think it should be wrong to fucking say to somebody hey I like your jacket. No but then to get mad at them for not responding that's wrong that's fucked up. Oh I didn't hear that. Yeah I was thinking about something else. What was it. What was it. I don't know if I should have dinner or not. I'm hungry dude. I'm hungry

too. I'm all fucking bloated. I started cycling creatine again. Oh shit. And it just fucked my whole stomachs all fucked up. Isn't that bad. How's your calf. Yeah no my calves fucked up too. Dog you got it. I told you about the dangers of exercise man. Man fuck that I'll be fine. You treat exercise the way I treat hookers you just can't stop. Yeah it's good to exercise. It makes you feel good. Yeah that's way more of a healthy thing. I'm saying it's an addictive behavior. I'm not equating the two behaviors. I'm real good dude. I'm like happy for the first time in like two years. I'm doing spots again. Yeah doing spots again. I'm not fat anymore. I got fucking fat as shit and then I like was just letting

myself you know have my fancy writing jobs and stand up. I got miserable. Yeah man you seem really happy like you're in a good place. Yeah yeah yeah and I'm kinder to people unless they're you know on your podcast. Yeah right. That's what's important. The only reason for you to be happy is so you can share it with others. Yes bitch. Bitch ass. You are a gay mother fucker. You are a gay bitch. To say this to my face. That is the one we will rip and rub. The one who is happy. Yeah here he comes. Welcome to Africa. I hope you enjoyed your flight. My name is Mr. Johnson. I will be showing you to your mosquito net that you will be living in for the next six months. This is the one the president stays in. The

president is in jail for eating people. All right well that's going to do it. Thanks folks. Good night. Goodbye.